If I Were You - 373: Girls on Porn (w/Laura and Rachel!)

Episode Date: March 11, 2019

New HeadGum podcasters Laura and Rachel stop by to discuss their show "Girls on Porn" and answer as many porn-related questions as we can get through in a good old fashioned porn lightning round episode.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. You haven't been listening since day one This is everything you've wanted Cause you are scared and broken hearted There's no one anywhere to ask And now you're resorting to Taking advice from two Jews You're listening to if I were you

It's if I were you Fuck yeah, that song owns I can't tell if it's a bad parody Or a good parody of a bad song It's a great parody of a great song Cause like the singing is bad But also the newfound glories singing was bad So maybe he's doing a good job

He's doing a vocal match I strongly, and I vehemently disagree Fuck off, fuck off for that Fuck off for that, it's one of my favorite bands I like that Jake can instantly name the band And the title of the song Yeah, well is that a parody of? My Friends Over You by Newfound Glory

Off of their Sticks and Stones LP Oh wow Which came out in 2001, I want to say I fact-checked all of them It's all wrong, right? It's all wrong, yeah It's a Blink 182 cover No, that was indeed a Newfound Glory cover

Good job, Jake, by Rob August Shout out that Instagram if you use it At Rob underscore August Nice We're in New York city Good job, Rob Thanks, Rob We're in New York, true?

Yes In a new location that we've never recorded here before And we're here with two new guests New headgun podcasters Ooh Laura and Amanda Rachel Rachel and Amanda

Why did you say, oh there is an Amanda That's involved in the podcast Amanda is our producer We'll just call you the girls on porn from now on Great, great Girls on porn is the name you have to memorize it That's the take away That's the podcast

Do you care to introduce the podcast? Tell us about it Sure, the podcast is very much what it sounds like It's about porn It's two girls reviewing porn So we're both enthusiasts The fish and autos might be a stretch But we're getting there

And yeah, we love porn So we talk about the good and the bad And what turns us on And what's just terrible Cool And there are I think this episode of our show is coming out this Monday Correct

Which means there are now two episodes of Girls on porn Correct Well, there's already two There's two now Yeah, there's two in the feed We're learning Yeah And I'm Laura

And you're Amir Yes You're Rachel In New York And this is Nick Nick Rad Yeah, I know David So in the feed right now

It is Milf and Parity Correct That's a good head-to-head for first two episodes Which one we'll get listened to more That is a good head-to-head We have guests on Parity Nick Couture and Brian McElhaney of Bright Tannock That's right

I feel like our head gum adjacent Like maybe your audience knows them They've definitely been on our show So if they listen to your podcast Parity It'll basically be like hearing me and Amir Yeah, because you guys reviewed a porn about a sketch That Nick and Brian made But you just did the same episode

We did We should have checked for that Sorry But this is an advice show We tried to find as many porn-themed questions as possible Great In a porn-lightning round I'm calling it

I'm scared Just because I want a lot of people to listen to this episode It's all titled porn-lightning round That is grabbing That'll do the job Your guys' podcast art has nipples on it I didn't know that that was possible We didn't either

We did have some discussion about Your head gum gonna veto the nipples But it slid right by I can hear all of our fans Typing in right now to see what nipples are The thing is they're illustrated Which I think you can get away with Like Instagram will take down

A real nipple But I don't think They haven't taken us down so far And we've certainly been forced to say Female nipples, we should specify Yeah, yeah Because their male nipples are fine Totally fine

And so we're all on the same page And you put your taint on Instagram And they didn't take it down, right? Yeah Because if it's close up enough You can't actually tell Yeah It just looks like sand

It looks like this inherent desert Are you about to show us your taint? Is that what you're pulling up on your computer? That's the second hack that comes after the break Nick, what's the Wi-Fi? It's a very high-res image All right, here's one called BF porn question

This one's a pretty popular one Oh, okay I'm sure you guys have heard it before as well We're gonna give this lady a fake name So, Rachel Sure Do you have a fake name I can refer to this lady, yes

Maybe Amanda, because obviously she's not here Sure, let's do Amanda Amanda writes So my BF and I have been in a relationship For two years now We're both 23 and things are going well We recently moved in together And as a result, we have now

Have one main shared computer How old-school, right? I get home The year is 2003 In the den It's a desktop A compact prosario I get home from work an hour earlier than him

So yesterday, I was fooling around on the computer Until he got home And after typing something into the address bar I saw a few visited X video links Suggested to me He's so old-school that he's also going to a low-res point This email was written in 1999 Not even the best yet

You say this one right in a decade ago My BF has a high-sex drive And I'm cool with him jacking off Now, I'm usually total I'm usually totally not a snooper But out of curiosity I clicked on one of the video links And it's a girl with huge boobs

I thought, okay I wonder what else he looks at Not boobs I opened up the history And I went through the recent porn links And every single video search Was related to big boobs Like at least double D big

I'm a skinny girl And I don't really have curves But my boyfriend said He always prefers small boobs So now I'm wondering What do I do? Do I confront him about this And talk to him?

Or keep quiet And let him have his fantasy I'm kind of worried that one day He will meet a cute girl with big boobs And fall in love with her Some shit I know it's common for guys to J-O And there's a lot of boob-focused porn

For literally every porn video he watches To be big boob Is making me think that he has some Crazy deep urge to fuck any girls With big jugs That's her word No, wait, how does she know that The only porn he's watched

Is big boobs Or did she Cause I feel like maybe she just Wander down a recent history rabbit hole Could be Like does she even know how Porn searches work Cause maybe that day

He wanted to see some titties And then he got a million Suggested That's really Like if she saw ten videos And she thinks she's seen The breadth of his porn search She's mistaken

A rude awakening is coming That's the end of the question But the basic gist is Do guys watch the porn for Like What they want Yeah, what they truly deeply want And desire

Or is it like completely unrelated To the love he has for himself And should she talk to him Was also a question Yeah, cause he also He told her specifically That he likes small boobs Which is something you would say

To somebody if you were dating them And she had small boobs You would tell the person you're dating That you want exactly what they are You're my dream girl I don't want anything else Because it's mean to say Actually my dream girl is the opposite

But you're awesome too But for right now You're fine for the next Two to three years And then I'm going to meet A tickled, bitty girl And I'm leaving, yeah Love the one you're with

Have you ever searched Small boob porn? That must be a subset Oh, that's exactly what I'm saying I know a lot of guys that are like Yeah, small tits is actually We should do that We should do that search term

Cause that weirdly like Pops up for me a lot It's like tags Small tits porn Well, you like Small tits You don't know what it is A tag that I saw

If we haven't talked about it So recently a tag that says Medium ass Medium ass Medium ass Medium ass Just medium Like then don't tag it, right?

I'll just assume it's medium Unless it's specified Normal ass That person is just tired Of being attacked By the big old booty trend I guess in your experience Have you

Would you be jealous of a boy Who's seeing porn Searching specifically For girls that don't look like you? I mean it's a good question About like If they specifically Don't look like me

But I certainly Would talk to the boyfriend About porn Like I think that's a good Conversation to have Like hey you watch porn Maybe we can watch together I don't know she's open to that

But like I That's the world I want to live in Where if someone is watching porn It can be something They feel comfortable sharing with me But I get that it's a little threatening To be like Oh that's different than I am

But I think I think pretty classically Like a lot of people have Specific fetishes They don't necessarily want In their real lives Especially in the porn world Because sometimes

If you do watch a lot of porn You can get latched on to something Like more extreme Than you would actually Want to deal with You know like there are women That like gang bangs Or have like rape fantasies

But don't want to Actually live it out Don't feel right to do that in real life Yeah I feel like there's a big Difference in like What you want to watch Versus like what you actually Want to do

You know Like there are things that I enjoy watching that Not necessarily I enjoy doing Preach Yeah I watch way too much Stepsister sex

Right yeah Like I don't think anyone's Actually like going out there To like fuck their stepsister But step thing That stuff is huge Yeah Yeah the porn is definitely

Ruining like the non-nuclear Families forever What's the male equivalent Of this like a girl Looking for what Big dick Or huge balls Big balls

Yeah Because I feel like Big dick is more It's more hidden It's well it's That's almost more like Looking at like A specific type of vagina

Because those are like The actual You're trying to correlate The genitalia Actually the shape of The uselessness of it What would a girl Have to search for you

To be like Oh you obviously want Someone that's the opposite Of me I guess it would maybe Be more something That was like I was insecure about

So like If somebody was searching Like Super flat eight pack abs I would be like Alright I'm going to do crunches Okay But not talk about art

Right now I'm not going to bring this up Surprise you Maybe she should just get a boob job Oh You know That's actually a really good Bit of a surprise

Don't change your man Yeah Change for his porters A fart This is terrible That's a really good idea Rachel No now she wants to be Amanda

Really Fuck Yeah so I would say In general Don't worry about it He's probably not Completely obsessed With girls with big boobs

And he doesn't like you It doesn't Don't take it so personally For sure He could be watching way worse stuff Than big boob porn Yeah So maybe

That's so tame Also I think this is a good opportunity For her to like To start talking about porn With her boyfriend You know Do you think that makes For a healthier relationship

Talking about porn Openly With your Significant of Well I think if it's something That you're uncomfortable with You know Like if you're uncomfortable with

I think it makes I'm just talking For my own experience I'm wildly uncomfortable With sharing My porn habits With everybody Oh sure

I would Except for you two Yeah more Alright I can do it in a room With a microphone Yeah that's cool But not in private

With only one person here Yeah with my With my one soul mate I really would hate For her to see my Porn hub tab I do think talking about porn Makes for

Healthier relationships Because I think If you're inclined towards jealousy The way to deal with it Is to process it And talk it out And I think like You can have boundaries

I really want to Tell you exactly what I watch Because it makes me uncomfortable But to Just have some dialogue About it Yeah Because again

What you watch is not necessarily What you want What you want in real life Or what you want to do In real life Yeah it does like It's confusing What you like

Actual sex And what you like porn But they're like They're totally They're totally different Would you say that What you search On your porn tab tabs

Is different than What you do in real life Like are you not Sure that with your partner Because it's drastically different Or because it's even like It's not like Extremely

Or real scary It's definitely not extreme Or scary But it's I don't know what I don't know what it is I guess I like

It's always been so private To watch porn Yeah That it's weird to be like Alright Most intimate partner Come check me out As I do this thing

Yeah Like you can like Fart and shit in front of Your most intimate partner Like why can't you Talk about your porn Do you fart and shit I don't shit in front of her

And I resent the accusation I'm so sorry Laura But that's just because That's the kind of porn I watch Yeah I'll watch it on the toilet Blumpkin art

Jesus Christ What I can say that word Let's answer the next question Alright Here's one called Grandpa Problem Which is sort of

Is porn related? Yeah porn related Sort of related Just go a lot of ways It's related to the Fled I took here In which a grandpa shit himself And we had to

Stay on the tarmac for two hours While they cleaned the shit Off of his chair I like that I clicked my teeth As you were saying that Yeah Grandpa Problem Do you have a fake guy's name

Laura Darren That's good Darren is a good male porn star name Darren So is Derek Ryan James

Dean I'm just gonna say Now you're just naming guys names I'm just naming porn stars first names But those are all just like James Dean is the first and last name Of a porn star Exactly

Yeah I added the Dean So that he knows Context I'm just putting credit I'm putting a building credibility For myself I watch porn I watch porn

I watch a lot of porn I can name one James Dean Sexual Assaulter No big deal Oh sorry Do the question Darren writes

Hey guys Long time listener First time E-mailing in Love the show and the videos Anyway The problem is pretty simple My grandpa likes porn too much

Everyone in my family knows this After many times Accidentally finding the pornography On the computer But now grandpa is getting bolder He has started watching porn In his office With the door wide open

No one in my family Is doing anything about this And I don't know what to do I'm 21 years old Thanks Love Darren That's tough Darren That is tough

I really want to know What kind of porn I want to know You think he's watching the old guy porn There's like Mature There's mature And there's also like mature

With young girl Is mature grandpa aged Or is it like 40 year olds I think it's like 40 to 50 And above 50 and above porn You have to like get specific There is granny

And there's granny porn Once you're over 25 You're milk porn Right up until you're 50 And you're mature So like brandy love She's still milk She's not mature

But Nina Hartley She's mature Dicks angling to host your show I know We do an episode on brandy love Really She's in the milk episode That's out

Features brandy love No way I thought you maybe listen I was like She's brandy love still got it She's like number eight On porn hubs She's very high ranking

Wow Is that a public ranking search That you can do Like you know who's number one Two three every day It's like the Amazon It's like IMDB Star rating

Star meter 8 meter porn hub Under milk Or 8 generally General Who's number one Let me imagine I think

Mia Malkova Riley Reid maybe Riley Reid It's like number one Who's Mia Malkova I heard you guys talk about Mia Khalifa Oh yeah Mia Khalifa

On your show Who is also a Lebanese sports commentator I think she's retired You just want to know when I say her name She's retired from porn So that's Yeah So now what she's known for

Is her sports commentating In Lebanon Or she's just Lebanese She's from Before she was a Lebanese porn star And now she's a Lebanese sports commentator Whatever she does She's a Lebanese something

Got it How do we tell grandpa Not to watch porn in public Oh right I'm curious about this Because I want to know if grandpa Is also masturbating Oh god I hope not

Because if he's just With a door wide open Yeah if he's got the door wide open He's watching porn Like you know Maybe just be like Hey Gramps I would turn the sound off

It's a hard mix Because old people in technology Already don't get along Right Well that's how I would do it I'd be like In computers Yeah

Search history and volume And doors You really don't get any technology Even doors have been around Since I think forever Yeah Debatable Start with doors

I was like I don't know about that Grandpa doesn't have enough We didn't have doors when I was growing up Yeah He doesn't have a lot of time Left on this earth I feel like you don't want to

Just let him Let him go out He's 58 Really Yeah Grandpa's mature But not That's a pornage grandpa

Great grandpa is also watching porn But he at least keeps the door closed Right Why don't we just For Christmas give grandpa A laptop Or an iPad A pair of headphones

And a pair of headphones Just covered in smut Preloaded So he doesn't have to deal with the internet Yeah You just have to go search Redowlight everything Just like an iPad

With like a ton of stuff Find out what he likes That's actually a really sweet gift Oh I feel like grandpas do stuff All the time That they don't really think about That you just have to help them with

Like my grandpa used to just like Have a big piece of food on his face Or something Or like be drooling And you wouldn't be like Grandpa, you have spit on your face You old idiot You would just be like

Talking to him And then just like Grab a paper towel And wipe it off his face He doesn't miss a beat He'd understand That's what I was saying to Fray But let me show you

What computer is conversation is I wouldn't even But I would just like Just shut the door Really really lovely Just like Eyes averted Come to yourself

And then shut the door And let him go to town And then he grabs your wrist Before it shuts Where do you think you're Going, you little twerp Grandpa, please Darren, why don't you sit on my lap

Oh my god What I'm old I'm 58 I've given up on dignity That's not that old, grandpa 58 You know, a normal age

So My suggestion is to buy them Their own bit of technology They shouldn't be using a fan Yours is the more expensive option This guy's mine Darren's just like 23 Yeah

So all the way from teaching them How to Teaching them how to door works To getting him an iPad Or telling him how to You know, turn the sound off You know Yeah, it's a really expensive solution

That's what I was saying While you're teaming it up with a family A computer Deep for your pockets, Amir I know I'll fucking buy it right now You think I'd give you shit? How much could it be?

$30? $30 I flew here This is a laptop gopher These days I flew here on a shitmobile You think I care about an iPad? You shit in first class

I shit on first class That was my way of sort of saying Fuck you to the elite You guys are susceptible to diarrhea Just as much as I am You shook a turd out of your leg On your way as you were boarding the plane That's right

You shook it out of the... Yeah All the money in the world Can't buy you That happened to me once In elementary school Like the shit down the sweatpants And just like feeling it go down your leg

You had a poop pants incident I had a poopy pants incident And you still remember the shit Running down your leg Yeah, it's just a very visceral like Vlog going down That's formative, bud I feel like...

That's formative Yeah That's so big It's funny that you guys even bring it up You brought it up I want to talk about it in a weird way Not a weird way In a really direct way

10th grade I feel like you made up The plane shitting story So you could talk about this And I was wearing sweatshorts Not even for it So it went down your bare leg Yeah, bare leg

Was it diarrhea Or was it just like a turd? It was both So it started as a turd And then that sort of opened the floodgates As it were Did you have a stomach ache? Were you like...

No, I didn't have a stomach ache Was this really 10th grade? I mostly concerned that you were Wearing sweatshorts Why aren't we talking about this? Your fashion choices were poor I was fashion forward This was 1988

And you paid for it It didn't know better All right, next question One last one before we have to go to a break This one is worried about His Zimbabwean roommate Rachel, we need another guy's fake name Eric

Is that a name? From Darren to Eric Eric writes Eric Darren is a cool mail port surname Thanks, man I'm living off campus apartment With two other people One of my friends

And a random kid from Zimbabwe We found on Craigslist I'm in control of the Comcast Internet account I recently checked my email that said We had a notice of claim copyright infringement When I opened it They all turned out to be for porn videos Someone in my house is pirating

A healthy amount of porn And I think I know who it is I'm pretty sure that these are the Zimbabwean guys doing For one, I don't download any porn In the titles of the names of the videos These aren't titles And the titles aren't names of the videos I watched Also, I don't suspect my friend

Because she has a girlfriend Is pretty anti-porn And the porn titles all seem to be geared Toward a straight mail audience So my question is What do I do about this? I don't want to get sued or prosecuted Because my name is on the account

But the Zimbabwean guy is only staying here For another month Do I ignore him? Do I confront him? Help me, Jake and Amir You're my only hope And Lauren, Rachel Your only hope

Do you confront a friend who's pirating porn? Your name is... Can you get in trouble for this? Why is he pirating porn? This is another... Can I explain the internet to you? Do you not know what Pornhub is? Part of our show is about encouraging you

To pay money for a subscription And here are some places you can go to For better ethical porn But you can get porn for free Without tipping off Time Warner Whoever's track comcast I actually... I pirate a lot of porn

You pirate porn Yeah, I download... Because I need the full... You want the full movie? I need the 60-40 1080p is not enough It's not even close Actually a search term

People search by reservation Same with 60 frames per second? Yes That's one too If I can't watch it on a movie theater On your projector and your home theater With your one true love You make your popcorn

And you pull up your projector And you watch a porn How else do people do it? What do you guys suggest? Paying, subscribing and doing it What are we saying? Ethically That's something we generally suggest

Which is what? There are websites There are feminist and ethical websites Where you know that the porn performers Are being compensated And that they have agency And that it's not just straight up sex trafficking Locally sourced, organic porn

Locally sourced Grass fed What's a good example of that? Cage-free porn Cage-free porn? Like... Not too far from the truth But if they're in a cage

They're consenting And it is their fetish and their preference So what's an example of cage-free porn? Like Erika Lust is one of our favorite Trenchcoat X is one we go to That's pretty mainstream vibes It was started by a porn star Stoya

Stoya and... Caden Kross I want to say Carly, thank you Have you heard of any of these, Jacob? The porn stars I've heard of The ethical porn? No, I'm watching torture I want the smut

I'm on motherless.com Watching a hamster get crushed by a woman in a heel No wonder you don't want to talk to your partner about this My porn is so tame It's really just the amount It's really, that's all it is It's the sheer volume It's the volume of the porn

It's very, very bland How many in a gigaflop? Because I have two of those In an attic somewhere Wait, I think I've heard of some of these What was Trenchcoat? Trenchcoat X is a platform Where they self-produce

And then also feature other porn filmmakers Also PinkLabel.tv Is like a platform That has different porn filmmakers featured You can also go to Feminist Porn Awards And they tell you Basically anyone who's ever been nominated Like director studios

You can also go to girlsonporn.com And look at our website There you go That's the plug That's why you're here Thanks for the TM Just give us 20 minutes to get there Sweet, do you approach the Zimbabwean roommate

Or do you just let it go? I've never heard of people getting in trouble for pirating Yeah, if he's moving out in a month It's kind of your call And what the relationship is with the dude I'm more concerned about the fact that He just assumes it's the Zimbabweans Thank you

That's what I was going to do Confront yourself About your bias Yeah, the anti-porn female roommate Who has a girlfriend? Who has a girlfriend? It smells of red herring I'm officially throwing off the scent

She's clearly the suspect I also have never heard of this Fighting in plain sight Comcast doesn't send you a fucking letter Of like the names of the porn videos That you are sweating Exactly Right?

I mean they couldn't possibly Because Jill's father's on the account I have to make a phone call Mr. Vogel, sir I've heard of this I assure you it's your daughter We have a Zimbabwean border He's a Somali pirate

What were you saying? I have heard of something like this So I stayed at this house That a woman I used to work for Like let me use sometimes And she's rich and also works in HR So I think she had like tabs on her activity In a way that I would never

Interesting Have tabs on my activity Like very high power HR person So I think her internet like came through her employer And she texted me when I was there Like one weekend with friends And someone had like pirated You know like gangs of New York or something

Like it wasn't porn Gangbangers of New York It was just a regular movie I genuinely don't remember what the movie was I just thought of the first movie I was talking about gangbangers In ten years I wouldn't have thought of gangs of New York No

I think it's because I just talked about gangbangers Excellent films And I was just going Don't say gangbangers Don't say gangbangers My father the hero So yeah it like tipped us off That somebody had used like a pirate

Pirating website Wow Of some kind And I think they did know the title But it wasn't porn in that case Yeah maybe you can know Cause I also remember one time at work The internet was going slow

And like a one of our coders Like called down the person who was torrenting something They like could see who it was Oh really So like yeah that made me a little bit It like shook me to my core just a bit How about the if I were you What would you do

If this was you in your situation Would you say anything or not If he's moving out I'd probably leave it Leave it be If he was like a pal And I just genuinely wanted to introduce him To porn on the internet

In a more easy accessible way I'd probably just let it go Or you can maybe Can't hurt to have a conversation If you think you can talk to that person About their porn life I'd avoid the hell out of the confrontation If I were you

I would talk to the female roommate Oh I heard like pinklabel.tv Yeah I'd be like hey just so you know There's some good porn websites out there Sorry what did you say to me We're at dinner and you're telling me There's a good porn website out there

I have a boyfriend I thought she had a girlfriend She had a girlfriend Whatever man I'm not I'm barely reading these answers What was I gonna say Oh yeah you can keep it general Be like hey have you been pirating videos

I've been noticing Comcast is getting mad at me For pirating content You could just hold like a roommate meeting And be like I don't know who it was But this is porn hub Group text with all of the roommates Be like we got a letter from Comcast Saying we're pirating stuff

Oh group text that's very passive Very passive I was gonna say like passive aggressive You could like leave the letter on his bed Oh that's good But that's passive aggressive With a porn DVD Passive submissive

Yeah let's go aggressive aggressive And you grab the Zimbabwean by the throat Jesus Christ Demanding an explanation It's a second question you said Somebody should grab someone right Yeah it's very violent Grandpa and roommate

Just grabbing people I had a weird night last night I was accosted at sleep no more Alright let's take a break We'll come back and thank some sponsor Or we'll thanks sponsors come back And answer more questions with Rachel and Laura Hey

Who's Amanda Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring This head gum podcast You know Aura Frames is sponsoring Not just this episode But the entire head gum network Jake Wow That's correct

I mean this might be the goat father's day gift I think it actually is Yeah Yeah not just father's day But if for any not so tech savvy family member That you need a gift for soon These digital photo frames Might be the best of all time

Yeah for me personally These things are perfect I'll tell you why As you know I am expecting Yeah My first child We got one for Jill's parents Oh wow

We got one for Jill's grandma Holy smokes We got one for my parents So there are three of these bad boys In our family right now But they're great Really easy way to like stay in touch With your family

You can upload as many photos as you want Directly into my parents kitchen It's really nice Oh that's cool So you take a photo of anything Perhaps a baby And then it goes to their digital photo Yeah frame

This is actually how we told Jill's grandma She was pregnant We got her the aura frame We plugged it in Jill's grandma was pregnant Really nice asshole This was actually a really sweet moment For me and my wife

And you're trying to make a joke of it I was just being goofy a little bit Like this is how I told my grandma She was pregnant Yeah Like she misheard it or something like that Or the way you said it was kind of like Could go either way

By the way Jill's grandma is pregnant Oh my god Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant It's pretty cool And you told me with a digital photo frame Holy smokes And we let her know with an aura Yeah

Thank you The aura announcement So you can instantly frame photos From any device anywhere And invite the whole family in On the fun through the aura app Add me to your aura app I'd love to upload just a picture of me

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Check them out Thanks, BetterHelp And we're back Hey, Laura or Rachel Do you guys have any? Let's do it Mom, I'm coming Gross

That was actually In the theme of the episode That was me saying Mom, I'm coming Do you remember why? No Was it part of the bit Where you were also coming

Because of your grandfather? Like watching grandma and grandpa Have sex And you said you were So turned on that you were Going to jizz in your cornflakes Or was that a different episode? I feel like we're getting off track

And I really was saying The little jabs that you're throwing Okay Do you guys have any unsolicited advice? Yeah, I got one Okay I just did this And I really enjoyed it

I went and used the The single use bathroom here And that was for a man So you do this At bars, restaurants as well Yeah Single use and there's a boy It's a boy, yeah

Go in there It shouldn't be gender We're thrown away Those gender binaries anyway The bonus is I don't have to wait in line Is that right? You eject the toilets?

You up-redact them? Oh, up-redact them You take a dump in the septic tank? Yeah For sure And then I tag it with my Chevy Can I take advantage of this? Or is this only a lady using it guys?

Only us It's our privilege That's a big question Yeah, I think it's the most That's our thing now If I came out of a woman's room And I was like, sorry ladies I feel like people would not be happy

You know, I actually I have a quick story about this Here you go, Ty I was, okay Thank you so much for coming on the pod Bye I would This happened to me at a restaurant

I was waiting outside the men's room And like And a server came by And she was like Oh, you could just use that one Yeah And I was like, okay And I went in

And I came out And there was a lady And she was like, that's the women's room And I was like Someone told me She made me do it I could do it A waiter younger than me

Told me I can use it But then it was even worse She turned to her friend And she was like, be careful Wait, what? Like what? Like about me That I was some sort of like

Predator hanging out in the women's room Yeah, they're going to catch you It was a single use skill And I was so offended I was like, I was waiting They're going to catch your male You did come out with a little ziplock baggy And you looked caught

And a drill She said I could I was just installing a glory hole Are you guys going to talk about Glory holes on the pod? Oh, for sure It's crazy how many different porn things there are I'm so excited for this podcast

You know what's even crazier Is how comfortable people feel Just telling us their thing No, I love it That we've learned And now all of our friends are like Hey, can I use some porn? I've got a pretty good one

Wow Which is actually helpful Because we have to make our way For a lot of porn to find good porn For a while and stuff Jake would be a great guest Thanks, dude I think you guys should both come on

I think you guys should both Should we talk about this? We're not rolling or is it weird? Can we ask you? I'd be a great guest And Amir would be a terrible guest So we should come on together And we'll do like a pretty good show

It'll level out Yeah Pretty good The way he watches porn Is he just goes to redtube.com Clicks on the first video Masterbates in 60 seconds And is done

So you've talked about this So you've heard of my movie Gone in 60 seconds Now I'm doing it 60 seconds exactly Okay, so your unsolicited advice Is pee and shit wherever you want Single occupancy

Yes Not everywhere we want Right Help yourself to a single use bathroom There shouldn't be genders on them anyways Yeah If it's single use it really It should be gender

It's not even part of the weird Gender bathroom debate thing That's just like taking a toilet Off limits for half the population That's odd Unfair Cool, I'm on board Laura, do you have anything?

If you tip a bartender well At a place you go to regularly They might remember you And give you free things That's some solid I don't know That's good What do you consider tipping well?

More than 20% for sure A bartender But let's say a drink cost $8 You're given $10 Total Correct? Yeah, I am What if it's $9, are you giving $11?

Mm-hmm I actually usually I've done away with the Dollar a drink tip rule After having bartended for many years Partially because of that rule People will get a $15 Manhattan And throw you a dollar

And you're like fuck off So I'm one of the people What if it's like What if you buy Balancing out for the shit Six beers Six beers And you want one dollar

Jackpot Would you say Would you still say 20% If you're buying like six beers And it's just like bottles and cans I feel like I tip based on The effort a little bit I do sometimes think it through

And if somebody like Is just grabbing six cans of beer For me I might just throw them six bucks Mm-hmm But you know A lot of times I'm like running a tab

Or whatever And if I close at a tab I'm doing 20% But if you go to a bar And you have a spot Or like you're chatty With a bartender And they sort of know you

Continually like tip well They will remember you And they will start to Get you free drinks If they have the agency to do that It definitely all evens out If you are a regular Yeah

As a bartender I can concur Well they If somebody is tipping you more You give them more attention And then you Yeah What other

What other perks are you getting For this tip situation I really need results I mean I give out free drinks Oh interesting Yeah Because that doesn't cost you anything No

It costs the company something Right But that's just the bartender Don't fire me guys Please don't fire me I really love my job Different bars and restaurants Have different policies

About how much free booze You're allowed to give out Yeah And different bartenders Have different policies About how much they actually give out They give a shot about them Bartenders have like

A lot of leeway to Give out free drinks Because like creating regulars Is really valuable for the business It's not like you're just Giving out your free drinks To your friends And then you'll never see

Those people again Yeah Like my bar is very like We are here to make regulars It's a part of the vibe Cheers It's a great way to like Yeah it is

Buy back you know Some good faith If something goes wrong If you're like meal takes a while You can be like Here this one's on the house Right I've been coming to your bar a little bit

And I tip really really poorly I was wondering if people remember me Oh yeah you're Jake the snake Yeah yeah yeah You said I barely ordered six beers Why do I owe you anything I'll skip out on the bill I'll ask around

A clear name for you No alright Sweet thank you Alright let's try to answer Some are porn themed Questions this one's from a 14 year old Oh Yeah from Canada

This is dicey You have a 14 year old Canadian boys name Laura A 14 Timothy That's good Timothy is good For about two years I've been

Watching porn I'm 14 years old I watch it almost every day And I think I'm addicted Lately I've been watching some weird stuff Like anime and cosplay Is this normal I usually feel depressed after

And I try not to watch it Oh But I still do Any idea about what I should do By the way I love the podcast I think we could all agree that this is Disgusting vile behavior Next question

Timothy Same on you Timothy Your dick will fall off Sweet little Timothy God cries Of course every time you masturbate Starting at 12 that seems young I didn't start at 12

Did you start at 12 The porn watching It's a different generation though y'all It's like we didn't have access To the internet To porn the way they do Now Like you had to like wait for like

A picture of tits to load Let alone a spice channel Scramble porn Yeah and I was looking at Playboy So I knew I liked naked women But I didn't know there was anything That I was supposed to do To my body

About it Sure I feel like When you were watching porn It's like oh I'm watching sex acts I sort of get it I'll create friction on my own thing

I'll do a sex act to myself You just wait and see Mother What happens now That was the lead into mom I'm coming wasn't it And then there's the idea of porn addiction Which is kind of a weird thing Because like everybody likes porn

But how can you tell if you're addicted to it Porn addiction You guys talked about that We talked about it a little in the parody episode Yeah Specifically T young guys Yeah Brian and Dick apparently got on an app

I forget what it's called But it sounds very Christian And very sex negative Or it's like Good buddies don't be touching themselves It's not what it's called But it might as well be How many days you go

Don't be touching Without watching porn or masturbating It's a really popular subreddit too Like no FAP or something Oh yeah like no FAP November or something Yeah Where like you won't masturbate

And like a lot of guys talk about Like how they can become super clear headed It's like Bradley Cooper in limitless all of a sudden I learned Japanese To be fair to you I know you are Japanese I've been feeling you do it already

I guess it's an interesting idea I feel like everything I've ever heard about addiction Is like Are you using it as a coping mechanism Are you like sacrificing Time with friends and family To do this thing Did you blow off Thanksgiving dinner

To masturbate to hentai Maybe we should have a conversation about it Maybe you have an addiction I can't speak with much science yet I think we're gonna get further into this In the podcast at some point I certainly think there's like the possibility Of addiction to porn

The way there's possibility of addiction to weed Or like various activities That may or may not be chemically addictive I think there is also like a reaction Your brain has to act like endorphin And like dopamine And I think that's what he's like Feeling like depressed afterwards

It's because he's getting addicted to that feeling Of like the dopamine And then he feels bad Timothy honey You're fine You're an adolescent boy You're normal Cosplay, that stuff

Totally fine Totally Don't worry about it People's thing Normal to experiment I think they're like I'm addicted and I'm depressed about it Like if you're concerned about it

Maybe like slow it up Yeah, take a couple days Sometimes not watching porn for a while And then going back to it is actually fun It's very exciting But I don't think he should actually be worried He sounds like literally every middle school boy I ever Yeah, for sure

Yeah So he's just 14 And you know Hormones are running wild Right now Once a day If you want to feel better You could just look at all of the different

Really fucked up porn That you're not into Right And then be like Oh, I'm looking like cartoons That's pretty fine And I am 14 Yeah

You're gonna like some of that fucked up shit too Yeah When you're 14 You've been doing something for two years It's basically like 15% of your life It feels like forever Yeah You're fine

Alright, here's a question from a lady Okay, love a lady Love a lady Back to Rachel Do you have a lady's name 23-year-old Lisa It's perfect

Aw Every 23-year-old is named Lisa Yeah Every age You should have a different name Mm-hmm No You guys are just being so polite

The Amir Stupidest At age 21, I wasn't Amir Obviously What were you at 21? I was an Anthony type Oh Yeah

For you No, I'm too Jewish Did you have a I need to be more Jewish Did you have a popped collar? Sam Sam, David's good I was Jewish in college

Let's talk Jewish Doug could be Jewish Alright Cool I know a Jewish Doug There we go Just one Doug's dad is not Jewish

But Doug's mom is Jewish Yeah They celebrated both Doug's family is weird He gets too many presents Fuck Doug Fuck him You can't eat motts on Easter Doug

Anyway This lady, Lisa, writes First of all, I love you guys You've helped me through some pretty rough times I finally have a question worthy of the podcast I'm 23-years-old I'm a straight woman But I've only been in a relationship with one guy in my life

I love him But never enjoyed sex that much I also watch a lot of lesbian porn I mean three to five times a week I've never actually been with a woman I made out with friends But otherwise, nah So I'm starting to wonder

If maybe I should be with a woman instead What do I do to find out whether or not I'm gay? I want to experiment Should I try Tinder and looking for a woman? Should I ask one of my many queer friends To lend a hand or finger? She said that hot thing I live in Boulder

So there are plenty of gay women around Boulder Sometimes Do you know this girl? Sometimes I think about women when I'm having sex Sometimes I think about women when I'm having sex With a guy What should I do?

Help! PSJ, if it turns out I'm gay I'd still totally be down for a threesome with you Still Wow Did you broach the subject? I always did not Have you been talking to Lisa?

When did this email come in? Hey Just a second When did this email come in? Hey, Jake, I'll call you back And I'd still be totally down for a threesome Don't worry Sorry, I missed your call

Don't let this caller you're I'd answer Wow Do girls watch gay porn? Straight girls watch gay porn? Straight girls watch gay porn Gay porn Yes Lesbian porn

I think a lot of times the desire there At least for me This is true And for women I've talked to It's sometimes about being like I know I'm not going to have to deal with some crazy Awful guy Yeah

Sometimes a guy's in porn are fine Sometimes you're like, who's this? No porn stars, definitely There's a low bar for them Oh yeah For sure And there's so many porn stars Female porn stars

And just whatever mope they could find Whatever dick attached to a body was available that day I rarely see a guy watching two guys Like this is better for me Well because most like, you know The other thing Porn is centered on like male satisfaction Always

And that's why I think a lot of women Watch lesbian porn is because they're watching like Female satisfaction It's like the main event Right It's not like just centered around a cum shot Which is like most porn is Right, yeah

So Sometimes not a cum shot Sometimes it's a cream pie I'm so sorry I'm so sorry You're 100% correct We're not listening at all Jake is pushing Rachel

Grabbing her wrist Closing the door Jesus Christ What do we do? What do we do? You're gonna have to talk to your partner about this episode Yeah Potential lesbian, that's sort of a bigger question

Yeah, I do think that Lisa should figure that out Is she in a relationship with a man right now though? Yes She should also probably talk to him And be like, I have this going on She doesn't just go out and cheat on him With some friend of hers in Boulder Yeah, this guy will have to hide his unbridled joy

At this point He's fucking stoked Yeah Really, baby? Yeah Do you want to be there for her? What are you thinking? Oh, can I help?

Fuck me Here it is before you Here's a list of women I have in mind They're all straight like you Concerned about the fact that she doesn't enjoy sex With her partner Yeah, that's the conversation they need to have first Yeah

And that means she thinks that she needs to figure out what she likes Yeah, what is she getting out of the lesbian porn That her partner is not providing Exactly So, I think she needs to have a conversation Sorry, Lisa Either way, she has to have a conversation with her partner About her pleasure and possibly

Possibly? Possibly Possibility Yeah Her interest in women Right So there's some pros and some cons there for him You're not pleasing me, but

I think I have something that could You're gonna like it You could maybe watch, I don't know You could be there All right, we have one last question from another lady Okay Laura Stern, right? Yes

Let's give this 24-year-old from Iowa Pick a good one Karen I like that, that was good I feel like your name should change with your age, you know I feel like someone just mentioned this I think it was Jay Who's Doug?

That was me two minutes ago I'm a 24-year-old from Iowa Pretty sure you've never answered Iowa's question, so this would be a first I don't know where she gets that accusation Anyways, my boyfriend and I have been together for two years And it's all right, I guess He doesn't glow up review

He doesn't and won't jack off ever He says it makes him feel gross and disgusting That being said, I'm his only sexual release This is my problem He has turned sex into a chore for me That he wants it every day, multiple times a day Don't get me wrong, I love sex But I don't get a chance to miss it or crave it

Because it's all he wants I barely get aroused now So I've been having to sneak off to watch porn before I do it To get halfway in the mood What the fuck do I do about this? I've brought it up to him before Casually, but he hasn't changed Should I break up with him?

Or like, what would you do if your girlfriend wanted too much sex? Thanks guys, call me Winnie Love? Oh, Karen But wait, she's calling Winnie Yeah, she suggested Winnie, but we vetoed that Like Winnie from, uh, oh no Wondering

Or from Winnie the Pooh Two famous Winnie's Those are the only ones Call me Winnie Why though? We'll get into that another day Okay, Karen That's kind of a sad situation

It is kind of a sad situation You can't just be having sex with partners Making you multiple times a day Sounds problematic You watch the porn to get into it He won't jerk off He feels shameful about masturbating? He says it's disgusting

But he will fuck her multiple times a day He throws a whole world that he's missing out on Yeah, also, he has some shit to address Yeah, it sounds like he's got a big A lot of partners here are not coming correct He's definitely got some weird sexual shame and guilt That he needs to figure out Is it like a religious thing?

Midwest plus shameful But they're having pre-marital sex I bet it's something like he felt gross about it Society kind of makes us feel bad about it when we're young Masturbation He's carried that into his 20s We're not a very sex-positive culture We're starting to get there

You do have to hide your porn for sure I think there's something there I think there's a religious background Or maybe just a specific way that he was raised It's one of the many things we're trying to deal with With Girls on Porn That's pretty cool Girls on Porn?

That's amazing You're probably accidentally subscribed Because you searched Girls on Porn in iTunes Now you can actually listen to it Now there's something there Whoa, 4 million listens Hope so We'll take however we can get them

Even if they're accidental You rarely hear about parents teaching their kids about porn That's what I'm saying I don't mean that he was talking about porn He has some sexual shame Associated with shame in general Or privacy in their family Or a specific way that the family was like

That's bad Did mom or dad discover him masturbating and shame him And now he's kind of traumatized about that And has a process to it A large conversation Definitely can happen in this relationship I don't even know if Making him jerk off

Is a solution Maybe it is You could work masturbation Into the sex Because I mean Mutual masturbation You could pleasure yourself while he's watching Pleasuring himself

And create a bridge to him feeling more comfortable With it in general The mutual masturbation starts from you two Masturbating across the bed from each other Then you're across the room And then you're out watching TV Close the door Grandpa You move

And it's happening by himself And that's nice You're like training a dog Give him a little treat after Separation anxiety Give him a treat every time you leave A disc, a little pepperoni disc Here you go, great job

That's actually really good advice And one that we wouldn't have given without Your two inputs What are our names Amir Laura and Rachel And not Amanda Next year I'll take Amanda We'll pass them around

That's nice, sort of like mixed doubles I'll get Amir Sweet, and I'll be finally Doug A Jewish boy with a heart of gold Who didn't shit himself at age 15 I didn't actually shit myself at age 15 How old were you when you actually shit yourself I was in first grade

So that did happen Yes, I did shit myself First grade shit yourself I was a teacher at the school I had diarrhea so I'd run to the bathroom Shit, come back Wait, this happened all the time? Just that day

One time I didn't make it all the way back to the bathroom I was like, well I'm in the bathroom now There's shit everywhere After 10 minutes my teacher came in Amir, are you in here? She's like, do you want me to call your mom? And I'm like, yes Funny you should ask

I do want you to call my mom You didn't get caught, it wasn't public Oh, not get caught by the kids The kids didn't see you shit yourself That's really lucky that your mom worked there Yeah, very lucky Until you see me at recess hanging out with my own mother For two years

Come take me with a dodgeball Oh, come on You saw him Get him, get him in trouble mother Ima, help Alright, one last time The name of your podcast, Girls on Porn Two episodes available now

A new one every hump day Everyone's day, happy hump day Forever, forever Forever God contract You can't leave Thank you guys so much for coming on this show Thank you so much for having us

Thanks for being on headgum For more Laura and Rachel And Amanda, is she on the show? No, she does pop on Occasionally So you'll have to She's squirted I've squirted on for the pop dance

Yes, so you can listen to these ladies Talk about porn On headgum.com or wherever you listen to podcasts And we will be back As always next week, if you have your own questions Or theme song submissions, send them all To IfIReviewShow at gmail.com Opening song

Was that newfound glory cover Great cover Is a cover of Do-Re-Me by Black Bear But Tanner Hutchinson wrote it So thank you, Tanner. Thanks to Laura and Rachel Thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back next week. Bye, later! If I were you

If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you

If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you