If I Were You - 374: Pee Tasting (live in NYC!)

Episode Date: March 18, 2019

In this episode we discuss roller coaster pranks, tutor crushes, and art school threesomes -- Live at the Gramercy Theatre in NYC!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. New York City, hometown show, baby. Not really a standing o. Really? That's fine. That felt so good and your first instinct is just to minimize it right away. I was told it would be a bigger theater. That's it. What are you talking about?

I don't want to start the night on like a down move. You clearly do because you brought up the ovation and the size of the theater. I was told 400 standing room only, which forces a standing ovate. I come out. Interesting. Everyone's, there was a sign which was nice. Let's see the sign again. A sign? These people all stood up.

No, they stood. That was good. And honestly, I would have appreciated it had I not seen past it to the other hundreds of people applauding for you. This was a standing ovation, but beyond that was a sitting novation. And it really was no. Actually, before you guys get too pissed off at me, we had an idea which was to take a photo with everybody, a group photo. And then take that idea and make it dumber. We had the idea to try to print a hundred of them at Kinko's and sell them after the show. That's right.

So Brendan, Jeff, Jeff Rosenberg and Brendan Banks, everyone. Give it up for Hefe. I think we're both on this side, both on this side. Yeah. Here? Like this? Okay. If you can't see the camera, then the camera can't see you. Everybody lean in, look happy.

These are $80 a pop. Everybody dab. Fuck you. I'm your dab and everybody else frown. Great. Thanks for the goose noises. Thank you. Namaste. Namaste.

So they are going to miss the show, right? Right. They're going to a Kinko's on Lexington now. We'll see if it works. We'll check in with Jeff at the end of the show. They asked if we had merch and we said no, but we have an idea. And two friends that think it's crazy enough to work. And then they said, never mind. I said, wait.

And I said, Jeff, are you sure you'll have to miss the show? And he said, what show? I work at Kinko's. This will give me something to do. Who here has come to one of our shows before? Cool. Thank you. All right, my day ones. What about first timers? Never been to a show before.

That's scary to me. That's cool though. We can do anything we want. Everything's new and fresh. Yeah, so... Fuck, what are you... You just said it was good and now you're... No, it's exciting. I just don't want to fuck it up.

You're going... You're retreating into your head. Because people will be like, how was the show? Good, I'd never seen them before. So we're on stage now. I just want to figure out how we should... The intermonologue should have happened out there. I want a positive subreddit post.

And if it's like, they were fine. You're talking into a microphone. And you're like giving everybody... I'm brainstorming. There are no bad ideas. We can do anything we want. No, we're excited. Some people drove in from even further than New York City.

True or false? Nice. Where'd you guys come from? Baltimore. Connecticut? That's where I'm from. From New Haven? Baltimore?

You came from Israel? To see this show? Awesome. We're Jewish enough that that does track for me. We'll do a quick prayer break in the middle. Blessing over the wine.

A whore of sorts. A menorah of jorts. A jeans-based denim menorah. Who came from Baltimore? You know we're in D.C. on Saturday. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, that is true. He's already too drunk to finish that sentence.

That's true, but... I'm here now, baby. Cool. We'll drive safe. We'll see you on Saturday. Of course. So for those of you who probably don't know, this is an advice podcast, if you can believe it. That's why everybody's here.

They're here because they want to see how we advise people out of their sticky situations. Their conundrums, they're stuck. Sometimes Jake and I record it alone in our studio. Naked. Soaking, dry. Always wet for some reason.

It's always humid inside and out. But today we're doing it in front of 390 of our closest friends in New York City! We should call Jeff throughout the show for little status. That's a nice idea. I'm going to time him in a little bit.

As far as I remember, Kinko's is not great. No. Nothing ever goes smoothly. I went to Kinko's and it was fine, and I left. That's right. That doesn't happen. And the lens cap was on the camera. That's not going to be good.

What do you think we'll print? The dab? The silly one? I think the silly one. I felt like the energy was really good for the silly one. And the dab one, you didn't like that one so much? That was a little much. You could have dabbed in the silly one. I could have.

I really could have. But I don't appreciate the live feedback. This is the kind of stuff that I want you to text me about later tonight. All right. Well, that's not going to happen either. All right. Should we take a seat? Yeah, I'm ready. Let's do it. Okay. Oh.

Oh. Oh, that's comfortable. Oh, they changed the light. Because we're about to get blue. Very blue. Welcome to an evening with Jake and Amir. Lock the doors. All right.

So these are real questions from real people. Of course you guys know that already. We just need a couple fake names to preserve their anonymity. Let's start with any... Crandis! Crandis! Crandis, you sweet soul. It's been a minute.

I haven't heard from Crandis in a while. We haven't done a live show in a long time, have we? Yeah, I thought she hanged herself. I really did. Wow. Glad you're still kicking, Crandi. Crandis writes... Hi, Jake and a chipmunk. Um...

First of all, I just want to say it's absolutely amazing that a chipmunk can come to Gramercy fucking Theater. Where? In New York, frickin' city. And like, and sell the fucking thing out, you know? And you are a woodland creature. You have a sweet... Oh, Andrew Russell, everyone.

Andrew Russell, give it up. He's not going to come on stage, but he did hand deliver them. Andrew brought us here, so another round of applause for Andrew Russell. A good guy. One with ice, one without. You get two with ice, I get zero, I guess.

No, I just... I picked them up in a very dumb way, so I was coming... I had them both on the bottom. Yeah. And I didn't really know what to do. Yeah, that's interesting, yeah. What do you do at that point? Well, I handed one to you, and then you called me out on it,

and I have to tell everybody what happened, so... Just a little bit of unsolicited advice. Don't hold cups from the bottom. Don't grab them bad, people. Dear Jake and a Chipmunk, which I assume is an auto-correct. Just awesome you can read. Yeah, I can read. Every human can read.

You're a chipmunk. You're a chipmunk on semantics here. You are a chipmunk, so I finished the question. So I'm just going to dive right into it. My boyfriend and I were getting intimate and doing the deed. Ha! Nice. Yeah.

Before we started, I had to pee, but I figure we wouldn't be going for very long, and I could go after. Ha! Humble brag. Well... She can get him off fast. All right.

That's awesome. Well, when we were doing it, I had to pee even worse. He put his fingers in and was doing that for a bit, then I couldn't hold it anymore. Oh! It's like it wasn't even me. I pissed. All over him.

And then he nutted. Ha! Absolutely ha! He told me that that was the end. He told me that that was the hottest thing we had ever done. Ha! He said that he always knew

I could be a squirter. Ha! You just had to believe in yourself. Ha! He was so excited and even licked some of it off his hand. Oh! It was piss.

Straight pee, not ejaculate with traces of urine. All pee-pee. Ha! I'm so fucking embarrassed. Like every time I think about telling him I get knots in my stomach. He keeps talking about it

and I get grossed out because he basically drank my piss. Ha! Ha! Should I tell him it was pee or should I not say anything? He also... I feel bad reading this, but I'm reading it.

I'm not editorializing. He also said he plans to try and make me squirt again. Ha! Thanks, fans, for the advice. Love, Crandis. Love, Crandis. Ha!

Ha! So she peed. He thought he made her squirt, which I think was scientifically proven to be piss. Yeah, jury's still out. I know. And it's two women, so...

I'll tell your word for it, brother. But are there any male scientists here? I really need a dude's opinion on what comes out of a lady. So he thought it was squirt, which he was down to slurp, but now he...

What? I'm still reading. I'm the gross one she pissed on him. I don't even know if she should, you know, pony up the fact that, yes, it was in fact urine. And he's like, I knew. I believed in you all along. I knew. I knew

if I just had enough time. My parents told me you would never squirt. And I said, just you wait. Oh, you're going to the bathroom to squirt again. Maybe he's just stupid. Honey, I squirted five times today. I think I had a lot of water. How hot is that?

I can squirt, too. I did a brown squirt, too. I know. It's the word. It's the word that's funny. Yeah. Squirt is weird. It's sad and it's bad to say squirt. Yeah. Well, not for everybody.

Some people think it's hot. Would you say it's onomatopoeia? It says squirt because it sounds like that. Yeah, I think so. Cool. I'm glad we could teach people a little something. What's the question? Should she

confess to the pee-pee? Should she confess to the pee-pee? Yes, she should confess to the pee-pee. What a weird Irish jig. A drinking song where we all drink piss at the end. No, she can't confess to the pee-pee.

She can't confess to the pee-pee. Yeah. G-Cal, you've made a secret. Yes, the pee-pee. I think I would keep it a secret. I would keep the pee a secret. A secret that me, you, and then everyone else

are listening knows. We call her Crandis. I like peecrit. Peecrit is good. I felt like everybody gossed over it. That should have been the standing ovation. What do you say? This is funny.

I heard that squirt is actually pee. I know it's not, but for the sake of this fucking game. Okay. And then he's like, awesome, I drink your piss. If you think that's awesome. Right. I got a bridge to sell you.

Or, I read that squirt is piss, and he's like, oh, look, I'm gonna be sick. I fucking licked my fingers and I was like, it was the end of a barbecue after last night. And I think there were trace amounts of your urine in it.

At that point, she could be like, let the sleeping dog lie. Is that what the word is? I want to just wonder a little bit, why is piss so gross? Yeah, why is piss bad? It's not that gross. There must be diseases in urine. Why is piss grosser than cum?

Cum is also some weird liquid that just squirts out of your body. Ladies? They seem to know everything about it. There's so much porn that is all about women swallowing cum. Yeah.

And then this guy just had a little bit of pee and that's horrifying. I think it's... Yeah! I just stumbled onto a woke opinion. Yeah. Am I hip now? This is pure urine.

This is... Or purine, for short. And that is like crusade. I feel like there's diseases and shit and piss that there's not in cum because your body is wasting them on a daily schedule whereas semen is just sort of a bonus

Jonas that your body gets rid of if necessary. Think of baking a cookie. I want to think about you calling semen a bonus Jonas. Which was the nickname for this six-year-old Jonas brother. Oh, don't even throw that

on me right now. On this week of all weeks. When creating a perfect body there's some stuff that needs to be discarded and some stuff that can stay in warm-hearted and the semen is fine to live within me forever and the poo-poo

and the pee-pee needs to go. That's why they call it semen instead of seam-out. Exactly! Jesus, another standing ovation! I can't believe it. I can't believe it. If you guys are listening at home that is Jake's third standing ovation. Wow.

Semen, seam-out, semen, seam-out! And people didn't know who we were when we came to Gramercy Theatre, right? We are a band. Would you, how about a good old-fashioned if I were you? Would you tell that it was pee-pee on the day?

No. I'm I'm adept at lying. I would just, I would lie. Take that secret to the grave. And you could try to squirt and if you can't you can piss on them again and it seems fine. Namaste. Thanks for listening. Next question, shall we?

You don't have your opinion? Whatever. No. A girl's name. I heard one that was coming from up there. And it's what was it? Lerana!

Lerana. Michi Rest in Peace. My ex-girlfriend who was hit by a bus if you guys didn't watch the old Jake in the mirror videos. Yeah. This is actually a dude, but we'll call him Leran, my cousin from the videos. I thought, I thought he ended up divorcing you.

He frickin' divorced me. So Leran writes, last night, the night started outgoing really well. And I was gone of the Pino variety and generally having a good time. Awesome.

I actually ended up meeting this really great group of people and was invited back to smoke a J. So everything so far is going great and I'm leading the conversation pretty much talking about my passion for design. Anyways...

As we're all walking back into the rooms the conversation is ending and one of the girls says how great it is meeting someone with so much passion. Ooh. Pretty cool, right? Very. I love passion. Read the question, man.

This is where things start going bad. For some reason I responded yeah, you know, I love passionate people too. It's like birds. All of these birds, I listen to them. And you know, somebody actually gave enough of a fuck to name them all.

Thank God. What a bad comment. This comment is met with sudden silence. Of course as nobody thought it was funny yet for some reason the whole room had stopped to listen to me

then the owner of the house proceeds to roast me and everyone laughs at him. At this point I realized how drunk I was and I was pretty much done for the rest of the night. Anyway, my question is this because I'm probably going to run into this group again at a party

should I apologize? I've been running through it in my head for the last week and the situation is honestly brutal. I feel like I could never actually be friends with these people without moving

past it but at the same time it might be worse to bring it up. Anyway, I love the show. First of all, thank you. Thank you, Leeron. What is worse than saying a mood killing comment

coming up to them two weeks later just being like oh, I'm glad I found you all. The bird thing that I mentioned think nothing of it. You're holding a gun? I can use this on myself or you.

Hey, we thought it was funny, man. Fuck. Is that a blue jay? No, no, no. I loved it. What was the thing that you said, the fucking passion? Was that everybody named the fucking birds? Ah! Bird falls out of the sky?

Shit, it's a crow. It's a fucking crow. At least somebody named them all. He's right. Somebody was passionate enough to name the birds. It's tough making a bad joke. I wouldn't know what that's like but it seems really difficult to say something that's, what is it, unfunny? Yeah, met with silence.

Can you imagine? Jesus. Let's try it. We'll tell a joke each. I don't want to play this game at all. And you guys can't laugh. No, I don't want to do that. I'll do it. All right, fine. Because I'm a hero to you.

All right, ready? Yeah, go ahead. So I'm going to say I'll do it because I'm a hero to you but then everyone... That's not a joke. You have to like really fucking try. See? All right. Nobody laugh, nobody say anything. I'll do it because I'm a hero to you. Pretty good. I thought it was funny.

That was 98% but I need abject silence. Ready? I'll do it because I'm a hero to you. Yeah, that's pretty bad. It hurts. I'd apologize. I didn't even do it and it hurts. Yeah.

I bet you're thinking about it, Leron, more than they are. I don't think so because that's such a dumb thing to say that I... I do think that that entire group of friends is laughing about it behind his back. Like, that has become an inside joke with him.

Every time they hear a bird, they'll make fun of you. That's good. They call him Larry Bird behind his back and then he walks up to them and he's like, I know I'm probably blowing this out of proportion. And they're like, yeah, you're coming to apologize for the weird bird thing? No, no, no. Apology not accepted.

I don't even think that you are sorry enough. And honestly, we thought you were a loser when you were talking about your passion for design. So the night was never going good. Who's gone off Pino and invited to smoke a J? Is there... is anybody under the illusion

that this guy was crushing it and tell the bird comment? You're the house owner. You're absolutely the guy that made the zinger. Yeah, oh man. Can you imagine being that guy? Oh, that guy's the man. He owns the house. Yeah, he's like, I think you should leave my house and go home to your nest, sir.

Oh, boo! Fuck you! Everyone laughs, claps, boo's, cheers, cheers. That guy has to leave the party. Yeah. Oh, and did I mention I own a house? And I hate design. So would you apologize?

No, of course not. You can never be friends with these people again. Just let it be a life lesson moving forward. But anytime you say a joke, that's not great. You have to choose a new friend group. I think on night one, that is the... that's the case. That's the case.

Oh, yeah, sure. It's a bad lesson, I think. That's because I'm a hero. I'm telling him the truth that he needs to hear right now. I bet they've already forgotten about it. I bet you're a cool dude with a passion for design and birds. Ah, who am I kidding?

Fucking kill yourself, idiot! No, I'm sure he's overthinking it. I don't think he has to apologize, but if that's what will make him stop going crazy and kill people. He definitely should not apologize. Because if it's not in the forefront of their mind, that fucking makes everybody remember

that you went on a weird bird tangent the other night. I was high and drunk. Never bring it up again and never reach out to your friend group again. And if they liked you, they'll reach out to you and they've forgotten about the bird and all is forgiven. Cheers. Thank you.

Alright, let's get through one more. Okay, this guy is just... This guy is a drunk guy at a party. Drunk guy at a party. Scolby! Someone said Scolby losses. Last name, Jim. Got it.

Scolby losses, Jim writes. Here's the thing. I'm at a party right now. Drinks as fuck. But I... But I need to email you for device. I've been in a loving relationship for a while.

My GF is amazing. But through no fault of her own, I've been feeling certain pulse toward members of the opposite sex. Especially at social situations. Tonight, I'm at my old tutor at my GF's flat, Patty.

And it was too much to handle because I have a major thing for authority. Even though I love my GF, I feel like this is a sing. Should I break up with her for her own good? Please, I need advice badly. Cheers.

Indeed. Scolby losses, Jim. Okay. So, he's already fucked his tutor. So, we could give him advice for like... This is the morning after advice. Because he was drunk in a bathroom emailing us.

Here's the sing. I'm at a patty. That's right. Everything is happening to him. He's not doing anything. He's saying like, there's no fault of her own. I feel like this is too much of an attraction for me to handle.

Should I tell her for her own good? It would definitely be for your own good also. If you want to fuck somebody else. If you have a relationship and then you have this urge that you said is too strong to handle, it just means that you're like too weak to handle it. So, usually it's because of you

not because of the situation. Right. That's interesting. Fucking an old tutor because he has a thing for authority. That's like the least authority someone can have. Right. I think when you have a tutor, you have authority. Yeah.

I'm paying you to teach me history. And I'm turned on by how much authority you have over me. Because she says, what time to meet at Starbucks? Yeah. She's younger than me, but smarter. So, I have a thing for that.

Right. She knows how to speak Spanish. Did you ever have a tutor? I had several tutors. None of them took. I'm dumb as a rock. Twice as ugly. Despite my parents' best efforts. How does that work? Is it like a student of an age or a student of a little older?

Or is it like a teacher's younger sister? It's like a... You... What a fundamental misunderstanding of a tutor. You think a tutor just needs to be teacher-adjacent? Yeah, like... My teacher's cousin, Jack,

is my tutor. He has a thing for science. He's not as passionate as Jack. He's not gonna spend his whole life, like... At least my tutors were usually like teachers at the school who were trying to make an extra buck on the side.

This classic thing, I don't think so. I need that one-on-one shit. And when it's one-on-one shit and you still don't know, that's a sad situation. Well, I actually... I took the SATs, and then I took six weeks of SAT prep and I took them again. I got the exact same score. Because fuck you, that's why.

Didn't you say your dad was mad at you for that? Yeah, yeah, he... I think I remember I was on the computer and he yelled, what the fuck is this? And I was really scared, because it really could have been anything. I was doing so much bad shit senior year of high school.

The fact that it was your SAT score not improving seems to be the least of his concern. Oh, so you didn't find the weed or the alcohol or know about all the people I snuck into the house last weekend. Great. It's just that my verbal score didn't go up after you paid someone to yell vocab words at me

for a month? I just did fine on the SATs again. And you turned out alright. Yeah, only because I strapped my fucking self to your coattails, brother. Yeah, my tutor was... Thank you. My tutor was incredibly helpful.

He took the exam for me, so I ended up going from an 11.30 to a 15.90. Wow. Yeah. So he was smart, but not perfect. Well, I told him to get one wrong to make it look like an accident. And that's being an authority figure.

Jeff, say hello to everybody. Whoa, he's in a jail cell. He's closed. Of course. Where are you right now? No, I'm at Kinko's. They open. Nice. Alright, awesome. Good stuff. Thanks for

the check-in, Jeff. I'll see you later. Kinko's was open. This is sterile. Good stuff. He killed with one FaceTime show. Yeah. Imagine if it was meant to deafening silence like that. Oh my god. You'd have to sell posters and apologize to everyone.

Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is.

Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not-so-tech, savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect.

I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now,

but they're great, really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame.

Yeah. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the Aura Frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it.

It was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that, or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my god.

Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with the digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an Aura. Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in

on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something that could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal

video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. It's a really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the Perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames. That's A-U-R-A-Frames.com And our listeners

can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames. A-U-R-A-Frames.com

Okay. Go get your parents something. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Thank you Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult,

anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place and it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area. But BetterHelp makes that all easy

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if I were you. You do that today. You can get 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online but you're still getting professional

licensed help. And it's extra affordable. That's BetterHelp H-E-L-P.com if I were you. Check him out. Thanks, BetterHelp. Alright, let's get a round of applause. We're back from break! Did we ever get that audio note or should I read this Swedish man's question?

I don't think we got the audio note. Does anybody have a Swedish man's name? No! No! No! No! I'm hearing a lot of Svens. A lot of Svens.

What? A lot of Svens? Svens writes, I'm drunken Swedish. After the winter break, there was a new girl that joined us. Thomas did email me and I could try FaceTiming him. Is that crazy?

Does he have the... We wanted Thomas Belovich to read this in a Swedish accent. Yeah, but we like thought of it too late and he didn't have time. And he said, but he did say he just got home. Yes! I guess I'm going to FaceTimer.

So far we FaceTimed Rosie in a Kinko's and gave Dave some stage time. You think he'll be able to speak it? Thomas! Yes!

I'm really sorry to put you on the spot but do you happen to have that email? All right. Take your time. Say hello Amir. Tommy! Hi Amir, hi baby, hi everybody in the theater.

Oh God He just hung up. Where have you put it? I'm just playing video games. That's awesome man. Is this a FaceTime or Thomas's Twitch feed that you logged into?

Okay. I got it, I have it here. All right, can you guys hear it? Can you guys hear it? Okay. So this is a Swedish man named Sven. Okay, Sven. Okay, Sven writes

Hello! I'm brunt and Swedish. After the winter break there was a new girl that joined our class. In just a few weeks she has become very well liked by both classmates

and the teachers. But I can't take the feeling that there is something very wrong with her. When I confronted her about it, she seemed to think I was crazy.

So I started to follow her around just to see what kind of just to see what kind of weird shit she was up to. No evidence. She does very well in school and is a master socializer.

When I told my friends about my suspicions about her they relayed that information back to her and told me I was being weird and standoffish. You're doing great. Thanks, I love you guys. Hello!

Alright. She is very clever and tells everyone that she doesn't mind my suspicions about her and that she just wants us to get along. But I know she secretly hates me

for seeing her true colors. So, Jake and Amir make her reveal her true and horrible intentions. I gotta repeat that question again because that is so weird.

So, Jake and Amir what should I do to make her reveal her true and horrible intentions? I can't stop thinking about her. She is driving me crazy. Oh, I should also mention

she has somehow gotten into my dreams. Which used to be so very sweet but now is filled with nothing but smut. Okay, P.S. she is very cute when she smiles

and also sorry for the long e-mail I'm a bit drunk slash sweet. Thomas, now we'll get it up for Thomas. Thank you, Tommy. Wow. That worked. That was good.

Yeah, I don't even fucking need to give this person advice. He's such a cute. He's a Bond villain or something? He just doesn't know what having a crush feels like, I think. Yeah, I think about her. You have a spell on me. And I'm mad at you and you're nice to me.

Now my dreams are hot and I blame you for that. Ask her out. See what more insight you can give me. Well, don't ask her. I mean, you've absolutely blown it. She loves it. He is like, you're evil and now I'm going to stalk you.

Yeah. You've become the thing that you hate. You're the evil one. The twist. I have to go home and write a short. All right. Should we get to this lady right here? Yeah, we got to.

Are you the friend or you? I'm me. So you wrote this as you, us to answer. Should she read it? Should I read it? I feel weird. I mean, I like you reading it but maybe you can come on stage and sort of like

live react as it's happening. You can go in through that door right there. Do you want? Only for a second. Can we use your real name? I guess you're standing on stage. Yeah, sure. I'm going to guess it's Brie.

Well, don't you have the email? Yes. Is this one on? It is. What's your name? Coco. Wow. So you lied to us already.

You can take my seat. I'll stand back here and just kind of pace. Hey, bros. Nice. I'm a 20-something-year-old lady living in New York fucking city. And I got a problem related to

threesome, so Jake, this one's for you. Oh, that's what's up. Thank you. That's not fair, but accurate. So, throughout art school, I had two crushes. Art Bro 1, the hunkiest boy in my grade

and Art Bro 2, the hunkiest boy in the grade above me. Two solid crushes right there. By graduation, I had fucked both of them. Then, this past summer, the bros who apparently were friends the whole time became roommates.

And I found out that the two of them were in a psychosexual game to see who could get more of my attention. So recently, Bro 2 asked me to have a threesome with him and Bro 1. I'm more of an FMF type of girl,

but fucking two hottest guys from my school at once, that's hot. Having them compete with each other for me during, that's even hotter. But neither of them have had a threesome before, and I'm scared the group sex will fuck up their

friendship. And I think they might just be wanting to fuck each other. But this is a once in a lifetime opportunity so hashtag YOLO should I fuck these two Art Bro dudes at once. Love

Coco. Love Coco. P.S. I will be at the New York show on March 7th, see you then. Oh and Jake, my friend really wants to fuck your brother. I thought you were a Coco. So he's in seat B.B.

seat number 4. Some sort of battleship that we're from. Mic up there? Alright sweet. Yeah bro. My brother's up there, right next to my mother and my father, so you can definitely go find him. Yeah they're locked arms right now.

Actually mother, will you walk Micah down the aisle? Yeah. Oh my god, my brother's gonna fuck Coco. He is in love with the Coco. He is in love with the Coco. Alright back to the issue at hand. Yeah. What are the cons?

Okay so... Are you really afraid that it'll mess up their friendship? Are you that nice? Cause that's fine. But they're roommates. They were roommates. Who cares? Ah, it's a long term lease. You know, I don't know. See look how thoughtful. Like there's no guy who's like these two really hot chicks

want to have a threesome, but I'm worried they'll fight after it. I'm worried about their lease. Yeah. They might not get their security deposit back if they Eiffel tower me. Meanwhile guys are like I'm stalking this chick

and she's freaking me out. I'm looking her piss off my head. It shouldn't get her. That's completely... I've never thought of it from a male perspective. Yeah, yeah. So the way to do that is just to not care about anything but you.

And then and then you're thinking like dude man. You're so right. But I do also think that they just want to fuck each other and aren't like confident in themselves enough to just be straight up about it.

But if you're thoughtful enough to care about their lease then you should also be thoughtful enough to care about, you know, shepherding them into their new We should just start and then all leave. Oh, that's cool. You just watch and then you face away

and then you walk away. Yeah. And then you're like I feel really bad about your lease situation. I don't know if you guys are like fucked up. I don't know if you have a guarantor I'll pay for your security deposit. Yeah, I would say don't worry about it. Have fun with them.

If you think they're safe, are they safe? Oh, yeah. And they're hunky. They're also, we can put it to Yeah, we'll just like take an informal poll. Okay. Do you think she should fuck the two hunkiest guys at her school at the same time? Honestly, I don't think we need to

let's not ask the follow-up question because fuck you if you don't think that. Thanks Coco. Let's give it up for Coco. Oh my god. Namaste. Thank you very much. You can keep this. I'll put it over here. Alright, see ya. Alright, we have time for one more question.

Do we have a rosy update? Oh, yeah. Sprinting down the street. Posters flying out of his person. Thank god I got on the wifi. Excuse me. We did more face timing in this show that we usually do. Yeah.

Strong one. Close enough. Yeah. Should I read this last question? It's hard one. Sure, boy. Bastard of the Mountain. Pride of the Dwarvenage. Thick of Cap and Quad.

I did, I honestly thought that would go over worse and it's really exciting that it didn't. Thank you guys. Thank you very much. It's validating me because Rosie is not picking up, so he is available. He just blocked your number. Face time unavailable.

But here, you call him back. I'll read the question. As hard one. Yeah, I can keep my voice that deep for that long. It is... Oh, Jesus Christ. This question? Okay. Yeah, give this guy... Is it hard one? Hard one would never be.

Oh my god! Whoa! So you can only print one. Give it up for Jeff Rosenberg, everybody. That looks good. How many did you print? Oh, framed! Wow!

So each of them cost to print $18. Oh! That's too high, of course. Pretty razor-thin margins, my friend. Already signed. How'd you do that? Wait, how many were you able to print?

I'm also... I'm blinking in this photo. Is that fine? You're not blinking. I know, sweetie. All right. So Jeff made it back. We're going to sell those posters. If you buy one, we'll sign it. Yeah. That's safe to say.

That's fair. Look for yourself. Okay. I don't know what your passcode is, but... Yes, you do. There's way too much phones. 1753? Yeah. It's my pin number. My last four digits of my social... No, 1747.

1629158515. Oh, you're lying now. All right. Are you reading this as hard one? Yeah, I'll try. It's... It's long. Hey, guys. I just finished my senior year at the University of Virginia.

So to celebrate my roommate... Yeah, UVA. Give it up. Go Cavs! To celebrate my roommate camped outside Busch Garden so that we could wake up early and be the first in line at our favorite ride. By the grace of cord, there wasn't a single soul in line.

The dude manning... The control said that he would let us go in by ourselves. My roommate said he had to piss and definitely couldn't hold it long enough on the ride. Then I said, dude, just whip it out and let it fly during the loop-to-loop. We were hoping that the urine

would float in air like if you let pennies go. So we get on the ride and my friend prepares his dick in the shy fashion. In the shy fashion by peeking out of his zipper all discreet, turtle-like. The ride begins and he gets too nervous to pee.

What we didn't realize is that there is a photo at the top of the loop. Meant to capture the excitement of zero G. The problem is his little dick is poking out in said photo so they didn't let us off the ride until security came

to get a closer glimpse. By that time families began forming a line and were wondering why they weren't moving. We pretty much were locked in as a crowd gathered by the photo of me and my friend with his little dick out. After reviewing the film

the security guards decide that his little dick was indeed out and they kicked him out of the park. He expected me to go with him because it was quote my idea. But I didn't want to exit the day after one ride.

So I spent a few hours at the park then I left. My friend is now sad and he says the only way to make it right is to take my dick out on a ride and let the gods decide the punishment. This seems a little

extreme to me so I ask you to is there a way to make this fair to him without risking public exposure? Sincerely yours hard one short foot faster to the mountain. That's tough.

It's tough? Yeah. It's a sticky situation indeed. If you piss at the top of it I think he's thinking of a freefall the zero G piss floating next to you. I think on a loop-de-loop it's not like Penny's floating next to you. I guess that's not really the question, right?

Well their point was to like oh there's piss everywhere and we're astronauts. So it was a false it was a false premise. We can agree on that. False premise, small dick. Reviewed the footage and does he owe his friend to take his dick out?

That tit for tat. I don't think it is dick for dick. I think he was a dick. That was a dick move. I can't shake it. It was a dick move to not leave the park with him when he was

kicked out for the dick. Yeah. You get kicked out. It wasn't his dick. It was his idea. His idea of friends dick. What would make it fair besides taking your dick out on the ride?

It could have been made fair if you left the park. That ship has sailed. That dick has passed. At this point in time what do you think is the fair retribution for not leaving the park and convincing your friend to take his dick out? You could also say he doesn't know his friend anything.

I just merely suggested it. You're the one who did it. Does that have to do with the question or you're just sort of saying that? They haven't even heard the question. They just wondered it off the street. They're curious what your D&D character's penis looks like. Yeah. Well, I fuck it.

He flashed his dick and I rolled the goddamn knot. 18. And I didn't even add my performance to that. I'll tell you what. Okay. You don't need minor illusion on his dick. And I appreciate it. Major delusion. I think for this guy

you could... Why don't you ride the ride, Photoshop the dick, because he's not allowed in this park anyway. You don't have to... He's never allowed in a bush garden again. That's good. So you're like, I'll go back in and take my dick out. You have a fucking

day and a half in there. Did you take the picture yet? Sorry. I'm just building up the courage on a fucking splash mountain. The way you should do it is actually go up on splash mountain and get yourself erect. Like Papa Viagra or something. Like a half mast.

Then you're like, hey bro, I did it, but your dick looks fucking awesome in it. You said to Photoshop. You could Photoshop. But you're talking about getting really hard and going on splash mountain. It was your idea to put me in the situation. So which one is it?

Full heart dick Photoshopped elongated. Oh, even longer. Which is flapping in the wind next to your ear. That's good. So you got sunglasses. Your dick's all the way up to here. He's got a little pair as well. He's not allowed in the park.

Oh yeah, no, the penis. You don't want to tip your hand and show them that it's been Photoshopped though. Fine. Buy small sunglasses. Put it on your dick. That's smart actually. So if you have a normal size dick but you're wearing really tiny sunglasses

holding a really little cheeseburger A really little cheeseburger. A slider. A slider of sorts. So you make everything small to make your small dick look bigger. On a picture, on a ride, in bush gardens.

Thank you everybody. Thank you very much. Thank you guys. That's more than our time. Thank you so much for coming to the show. Thank you very much. Thank you very much.