If I Were You - 375: Home Schooled (w/Kevin Porter!)

Episode Date: March 25, 2019

Friend and fellow HeadGum podcaster Kevin Porter joins us as we discuss dogsitting, candles, and his podcast "Good Christian Fun!"See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Nice riff. How about Da? Kevin? That is nice. Thoughts? I'm going to give it a solid B minus. Solid B minus.

You could have just not said minus. You could have just not said minus. You're doing well. Why'd you say minus? Like a solid B would have been nice. Because if I'd given a B plus then he wouldn't have tried next time. Something really solid about a minus either, right? It's 80 through 83 really.

I'd say that minus sign is solid as a board. It's a straight line. Unbreakable. I remember in school I was so thrilled with a B minus. What were your average grades? I wanted an A minus. You wanted an A minus? I wanted the 90.

I really needed the 90 more. Kevin? It mattered to me in college and high school and middle school. I was homeschooled so grades were kind of an abstract idea. Did you get them ever? Yeah, I mean I transferred to public school in junior year of high school. Who taught you at home? Kind of my parents, kind of these video tapes we would order out for and then I would just watch them.

Would your mom or dad ever just like give you an F? You were like sitting at dinner and you got an F today, Kevin. Yeah, that would happen sometimes. It wasn't schoolwork related. It was just a holistic judgment of me as a person. I'm so curious about homeschooling. You will roll up to junior year of high school. Junior year of high school.

I was 14 because I skipped a few grades. And then where your parents were like, actually you're very bright, Kevin. Exactly. You're now a ninth grader. Well I went to public school for fourth grade and I was like nah this sucks. I'm doing homeschool again but instead of fifth I'm doing seventh grade because I thought I could do it and then I did. But then again like the curriculum was just this whirling dervish of kind of sampling of education. And my mom was never big on education as an idea.

Interesting. Or college. She's kind of opposed to that. Where are you from? This is in Houston, Texas growing up. I've known you for years and I had no idea. I did know you were from Texas. Texas is born in Oklahoma with also a fellow homeschoolers Hanson in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

They were homeschooled as well. They were all homeschooled as well. And they turned out alright. They're doing great. I think we should all, I'm not kidding, we should strive to be Hanson. They make beer now. Mops. Mops is the big beer.

Really? Yeah. That's a fun, they all still tour and they own their whole catalog. They didn't get screwed over by publishers. They love each other. They seem to be having a great life. How'd you like 11th grade? 11th grade, I enjoyed a lot.

I enjoyed seeing you more. 14 year old Kevin walks into school. Hey. I got this. Yeah. Everybody's 17. You're 14. Well, I just quickly joined up with the theater group.

Got it. In that department. Grabbing onto them. That's right. Yeah. They were all weirdos too. Pre-calc, you're like walking into a pre-calculus class. You're like, I got this.

I watched the videotapes. Oh, well that was a strange thing because I was buddies with the guy who was my math teacher in high school. But we were friends before because we knew each other from church from years and years before. And then you get to school and he's your teacher. Yeah. So we went from, hey Rex, how's it going Rex?

Mr. Wolfe, I have a... So it was a strange power dynamic. And he's just like what, seven years older than you? Yeah. He was probably a little bit older than that, but he was a younger teacher. And you were fine. You slid right in. You got good grades and it was fine.

It was totally fine. It was a weird setup though where I may not have technically graduated high school ever and we're not sure. I did graduate college. You went to University of Texas at Austin. UT in Austin. That's right. Home of South by.

That's why I remember. Home of Alamo Draft House. Devin Ferracci. That was a cool city to go to school in. It was great except I wasn't there when I was legally of drinking age. That's right. You were 16 and a half. Because my last year on campus there, I was 19 years old.

Wow. This is such a fascinating, interesting thing. Devin's 22 now. Yeah. I'm still 20. Gosh, I wish. But it is something where like... So I've been watching that pin 15 show on Hulu.

Love it. Which is terrific. I love it. Right? It's so good. But it's like very tied to... Oh, this is seventh grade. This was the year 2000.

Gel pins, blah, blah, blah. That's right. And like it's so tied to... Oh, I remember my seventh grade was like this. I have no memory whatsoever. Did you have AOL and AIM and all that stuff? Seventh grade versus eighth grade. Seventh grade was a video tip.

I definitely had the AOL and stuff. Yeah. AOL and AIM I feel like was our first Twitter. It was a proto Twitter and we don't talk about that enough. Like the away messages you could leave there. That's right. It's true. The bloody icon.

Bloody icon could have been like the first versions of GIFs. Don't you feel like in some ways like texting your friends has replaced AIM? We were talking about that like an episode or two ago where like you used to have to sign on and receive the message or you would never see it. Yeah. I missed those days where I could be like, you know what? I'm out. I'm unreachable.

Yeah. It's... having a phone is... it's... you're on like... you're signed into 10 different AIMs that you can't sign out of ever. Well, which is why I'm glad I'm here to plug my new AIM phone that I have been developing. So I would... A sidekick. Can you imagine? I would love it.

I would be so in. And it's all the graphics are of that time too. That's right. 16-bit graphics and you can have away messages. And when you log on, it does the door opening noise and when you log off, it does the door closing noise. Wait, do you have an impression of that? Yeah.

That's good. Boof. Boof. Boof. Boof. Somebody logging out in your face just ends the conversation. Gosh, I remember flirting on AIM a lot. Oh yeah.

That was when a lot of it was happening. It was exciting. Like anytime you were talking to somebody on AIM at 2 AM, you would fall in love with them for like two hours. It's just basic science. Yeah. There was one girl, I remember these very specific messages we sent to each other where she was much older, but we had crushes on each other so it was like, no, we can't.

She was your math teacher too, right? She was my math teacher, Mrs. Wolf. Mary Directs should not have happened. But I remember, I must have been like 12 or 13 and I remember sending her a message that said, if only I was 17. No. Because you're 17 and I'm 16. Yes.

It was such a lament. Oh no, the gauge gap was like, you know, because at that time of five or six year age gap is weird. Oh yeah. And criminal. That's not most of the time. Illegal. Quite illegal.

We're now, it's encouraged. We don't want at least a five year age gap. Yeah, we smile upon it. We don't frown upon it. All right. What is this? This is an advice podcast. What is this, that guy's song?

Wow. Good memory. He glossed over it. I forgot. And now it's gone forever. I start talking about grades. Yeah. I can never find it again.

It's gone. Cool. Well, thanks for the song, man. Found it. It's Carson Fleischman. If you're under playing it, please direct your listeners to my Instagram, at this is Carson. So they can see pictures of my cat, Mr. Jeff.

Hey, and make sure you give Mr. Jeff a solid B plus when you see pictures of him in the comments. Carson Fleischman. All right. That's easy. That sounds like a made up cool guy name. Yeah. This is Carson.

That's it? Yeah. Yes. This is Carson. Wow. You got Johnny. You got Daly. And now you got Fleischman.

Kevin, do you have a sibling? Do you have a sister? I got a brother and a sister, one of each. Okay. Great. They were home schooled as well. They were for a little bit. They went to public school at different times.

So. Got it. Okay. Mr. Jeff. It's a good looking cat. That's a nice looking cat. Give it a like. I'll say that cat is.

Smash that like button. That cat's an A. Double taps. Kevin, do you have a cat? I wish. I can't have pets in my place. I would probably have a little doggo if I could. You're more of a dog than a cat.

Yeah. Do you remember there was a brief time I was dog sitting and I would bring him here. That's right. A lot. A little faster. Yeah. He moved to Texas. I want to say it wasn't because of me, but I can't totally say that it wasn't because

of me. You were saying you gave him such a hard time. He had to move halfway across the country. I think he felt a little bit of pressure. I think he moved halfway across the country. I think he felt a little smothered. Wow. By my huggies and kissies.

And then who took them to Texas? That was his true owners and parents, Andy and Pam. Yeah. And they were looking for the dog for quite a long time. When I say dog sat. You dog napped. Yeah. There was a sat napped.

It's all the same. Dog napped sounds very cute, but it means to steal a dog. Right. Whereas kid napped does not sound cute. But a cat napped is cute. But a cat napped is cute. Is that also the words for stealing a cat? Yes.

Cat napped. So cat napped means I'm having a nice little snooze by myself or I'm stealing a cat. Well, I don't know if you've met a cat, but you got to wish they're snoozing before you can even take them. Yeah. What about a power nap? Is that stealing power? It must be, right?

I think so. That's what every evil person does in a Marvel movie. A three hour nap. That's when you steal someone's time and waste it by making them listen to your podcast. This is power napped. All right. Hey dog, why don't we answer a question from a lady who has a question about adopting a dog?

Do you have a name for this lady, Kevin? Ah, yeah. Let's call her Hezebela. Hezebela. Hezebela is a pretty name. It's not bad. I like it. Listen, you can have it.

And my friend adopted a dog on Wednesday and he's staying with me until she can convince her roommate to let her, to have him at her place. First night, he peed and marked all over the carpets, which I'm super annoyed about, but I'll give it a pass since he was drugged up after getting his balls chopped off. Second night, he lunged at me and my four pound Chihuahua, so I'm keeping them in separate rooms for the baby's safety. That's too small of a dog. Today is the third day and I'm at my wit's end.

He almost attacked my cat and then when I got home from school, I found that he destroyed my window blinds. I'm a poor college student who lives alone, so I thought I was doing a nice favor for a friend, but I don't own any of the furnishings, so he is now destroying my apartment's property. I fear for my very expensive safety deposit, but also my friendship. I don't want to ruin anything I have with my good friend and I can't stand this dog anymore. I feel like I'm completely, I'm complete care of a psycho dog and she just gets to come

over and enjoy the fun parts. So, how do I go about getting rid of this dog while still staying friends with this person? How do I tell my apartment that he's done damage without getting evicted? P.S., not that it matters on the breed, but it's a two-year-old pitbull mix and a solid 50 pounds. Thanks, guys. It feels like body-shaming out there.

As a lead. You know, it's like when old people specify a race in an anecdote. It's not that it matters, but he was Hispanic. Yeah, it's like, no, it doesn't matter. He was Asian, the dog. Oh, okay. Well, I don't think she should be worried about getting evicted for damage. I feel like your landlord, unless they're a psycho, would be amenable to that, especially

if you have a good track record with your own pup. Have you guys dog sat a lot? I've only done it with two. No, I've done with three dogs in the past couple years. That's pretty good. Yeah, I guess a good amount. Any of them bad? I've fostered.

Any of them bad? Any bad apples? Well, Little Paddington the Pomeranian did pee on my friend's father's carpet at Thanksgiving dinner. That wasn't the best moment in the world. So you went to a dinner for Thanksgiving and brought the dog you were dog-sitting? Because it was over the Thanksgiving break because the couple was traveling out of town and they knew that I liked dog-sitting.

And I do. And it was a tradition. Like, one Thanksgiving I had Buster, one Thanksgiving I had Paddington, and then the tradition was broken. After that because the dog was not house broken. I like dog-sitting. It is nice. It's like you have the joy of a dog but without the anxiety of like, I will have to do this

every day for at least 15 years. It's like being an uncle. Yeah, it's nice. But this sounds like... It's a bad dog. Well, this life sounds pretty fucking rough too. It's like a poor college student living alone in an apartment with three animals. It's just not ideal.

Yeah. As a cat, she has a dog and now she's babysitting another dog. And now the dogs are fighting. She can't do anything about it. Can you take it back? I'm... Well, this is... This is what's crazy to me.

She is concerned about her friendship with this other person who adopted a 50-pound pit bowl, chopped off its ball, and then left it at its friend's apartment at her friend's apartment while she went to her roommate to try to convince her roommate that they can keep the dog. This is a bad friend. Yeah. If she should be worried about you staying friends with her, you're the victim. I think you do need to have a heart-to-heart of expressing your needs, expressing how you

kind of feel railroaded in this situation, which I know is not what she's emphasizing in the email, but that's more the issue to me as well. She's like, I feel so bad. How do I tell my friend that I don't want to watch the dog that's attacking my dog and destroying my apartment when she's the fucking owner? Hezabella is such a sweetie. She really is. Sweet to the core.

Good on you, Hezabella, for taking all this song. You really have a servant's heart, and it's very clear how kind you are. Yeah. But that being said... That being said, you're acting insane. Yeah. Stop being so crazy. You're being mean to yourself and to your loved one, your friend, and you're hurting your

chihuahua, your cat, the blinds. That's what I always think about when I'm afraid that I'm going to be mean to somebody. I think about, wait, but by me being afraid of confronting this person, I am being mean to these other people or animals that are suffering because of that person's thoughtlessness. So if you're concerned about your friendship with your friend and that's making you not talk to her, you should maybe just readjust to be like, I fear for my cat and for my puppy, for my little chihuahua. So if I want to be the best owner I can be, I need to get rid of this dog.

Yeah. That doesn't make you a bad person. Blame it on your children. Yes. It's your children's. Well, and part of the question was, how do I get rid of the dog? Wasn't that part of it? Yeah.

Can you sublet a sublet? Can you dog sit towards you? Who's dog sitting? Well, I was almost going to say on a practical level, find a kennel and text your friend and say, hey, I literally can't do this. I'm going to put them up at this kennel. I hope you at least split it with me or something like, or pay for all of it because this is unlivable.

And that helps temper your needing to talk to your friend too. You could say, I can't do this, but I'll help you find a place for the dog, whether it's a kennel or I'll post on Facebook or Craigslist. What's the duration of time that has the most sense? So he says, staying with me until she can convince her roommate to let her have him at her place. So what are the odds that this comes out before or after it's appeared? This is a great follow-up pup one.

Literally a pup. So we ask, hey, how long do you end up? We've been doing follow-up pups where we give advice and then ask how it panned out, whether they followed it or not. The message just came in six days ago, so it's topical. She might still have the dog that's ruining the life. Or at the very least, we'll get to learn what happened. Imagine being this Hezebello's, like, so did you broach the whole having a dog thing?

Like, no, it hasn't come up yet. Can you, like, keep the dog for another week? I feel like I'm mustering up the courage and then she's like, don't, you have to tell him now because the dog is destroying my entire apartment. And then this lady can't be like, I got to have the dog in here now. It's a dog that's currently terrorizing my friend's place. The other thing I would say is if they're, like, small scuffs and stuff that you're concerned about with your apartment, your landlord won't take your full security deposit for stuff

like that. The security deposit is like if you, you know, put your car through a wall or something. Like you could go to Home Depot and just like touch up paint and stuff and your landlord will, will never be the wiser. Yeah, you'll be. I wouldn't worry about the landlord stuff so much, but I would worry, you know, especially because we don't know how timely this will be. I would really emphasize this as a moment to really take that friendship by the, by the

shoulders and just shake it and make sure everything's, I did have like a friendship sort of threatening dog sitting relationship one time. What happened? This is mostly my bed because the dog in retrospect was a good boy, just kind of a puppy and not what I was used to. But the friendship in particular was loaded where like it was this person that was very close to for many, many years. She moves away and gets married and then every time I've seen her since then, it's felt like

I'm doing her a favor like, Hey, can you shoot video at my wedding? Hey, can you dox it for me? Which usually you would ask of like your closer friends and I remember, you know, for a long time after that dog sitting scenario, I carried a little bit of hate in my heart for that person. Yeah. And then I had to let it go. So don't do that.

Wow. Don't carry the hate. Don't carry the hate. All right. Cool. Let's take a break. Let's answer some more questions after these messages. Woo.

And we're back. Kevin, do you have any? Oh, it's a left. Mom, I'm coming. Gross. Oh boy. Yeah. That's right.

Mom, I'm coming. Oh, I guess I forgot. Yeah. I forgot that part of it. I'm giving that song an A minus. If anyone's asking. You love it. Yeah.

I think it's great. But the sentiment's awesome. A solid A minus. You know what? I'll give two. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake.

Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah. Not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time.

Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes.

We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame.

Yeah. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma. She was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make

a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like she misheard it or something like that, or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God.

Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an Aura. Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement.

So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah.

Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift.

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So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames. A-U-R-A Frames.com. Okay. Go get your parents something, all right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on.

Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable

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extra affordable. That's betterhelp.com slash if I were you. Check them out. Little bits because they're both kind of basic pieces of advice. Two for one. I love it. But I feel like they're not very insightful at all and most of your listeners probably already know these things.

I would love to wind up for this pitch. Yeah. I have a lot of pre-greets going into this. Pre-greets. That's good. My first piece of advice is that on Instagram, the mute button is your best friend. Okay. So tell me what the mute is versus unfollow.

Unfollow. People can find out if you unfollow them. Pretty easily. You can go to like, if it's me that unfollowed someone, they could go to who they're following and then type in their username and then they would show up or not show up. If I mute them, they'll never know and it's a good way to maintain polite relationships and honestly, there's a lot of people that I wish I didn't follow that I love in real life that are dear friends.

So what are you muting and how many people? Are you a mutant? I'm not a mutant currently. Well, at this point, I feel like for people that I know personally, I don't think I can ever unfollow any of these people. They're hard-baked into your life. It'll come up. I think it'll come up, but muting, I can't even do select like seasonal muting.

Oh. I think seasonal muting is fine. A light muting. A holiday muting. Yes. Oh, Holly just went on vacation. I think I'll mute this for the next few days. Exactly.

Yeah. So what are you muting? Are you muting the boring, basic cappuccinos, the sunsets? Are you muting like family life? Like I don't need to see your baby. What are you, what are you? You know, sometimes it was, I was honestly muting some of the best because some of the best people on Instagram, because sometimes it's the thing we all do with comparison stuff

and career stuff where it's like, oh, this person's killing it. This doesn't feel good. Jealousy. Jealousy. Like it's no, yeah. It's no like personal, and you don't want to hate them or have like weird resentment that is definitely unearned against them. We're shooting a movie, so I'm going to like be posting photos for the next six months.

Yeah. And I'll like them six months after the fact of you posting. That's my fear is that I think if you, I feel like if I mute somebody, they'll miss my, they'll miss my like, I guess that's really self aggrandizing. That they'll notice you're not liking the photos. Yeah, they'll notice that I'm not liking photos, but I have been called out before for not liking someone's photos. Whoa, who?

I don't want to say their name. Oh, it's not like a friend that you feel comfortable out in my mouth. I don't hardly, they were like, you never like my photos? Wow. No. Yeah. See, I called you out too. They say like, you comment, but don't like a photo.

Yeah, that's fine. I think that's inappropriate. I really do. I want to comment. I don't necessarily like the photo. Oh, no, I'm saying the calling out, not what you're doing. I think what you're doing, I think, I think it's both inappropriate, frankly. But actually now I think it, yes, it is inappropriate, but can I have comments?

This is another concern of mine. I like my number of people I'm following to be kind of low. I feel like that's kind of like a power move. Let's compare your number versus Kevin's. I know mine is almost to the exact number. Kevin, what are we thinking yours is? I think mine is 998. Whoa.

It's keeping it under a thousand. I got to keep it under a thousand. 997. 997. Do you go through your whole feed? Are so many of those people muted that it's easy? Well now at this point, because this is actually, this is something that I figured there's certain people that follow me on Twitter that follow maybe like 3,000 plus people where

they have not liked or retweeted or replied to anything I've said in so many years. I'm like, I have to be muted, right? But it still says blah, blah, blah, follows you. Right. But maybe if they follow 3,000 people, then you might just not go, they just might not go through their whole feed. I think it's still, because I follow over 3,000 people, I still see everyone. You see everything?

Yeah. It's awful. It's terrible. And I hate it. I'm a slave to my own social media. I am. I think I've got like 50 people on Twitter. I've said this before, but I do believe the mute is the gentleman's unfollow.

Oh, that's nice. If ever cornered in such a situation, because yeah, you don't want to hurt someone's feelings. No. I do think though, confrontation in real life is bizarre. It really is. It's not the same. If I wronged you, if I said something mean to you, I want to apologize. But if I didn't comment on a thing, I don't feel like that's fair.

It's like we're playing with monopoly money on Instagram. Especially because people, I think to people, and I don't know what the person is, the situation they were in, but people use Instagram for such different things that I think for some people they almost see it more as like, I'm group texting all of my friends. More so than like, I'm using this and I have like work friends that see this and my regular friends and my family. And some people are like, this is just for my career and I'm just plugging dates or whatever.

So I think not being on the same page with that stuff would lead to hurt feelings, but it's hard to relate with them when it does happen. Like I saw you didn't see my story. I'm like, you're scrolling through though. And yeah, like what do you want out of like that kind of conversation? You know, like, do you want me to like, all like, they have to know that I'll apologize or make a joke and then talk shit about them for a long time and think that it was petty and weird.

You talk about on a podcast where literally, you know, hundreds of thousands of people listening to. Millions. Millions, actually. Millions and billions. How many people listen to this podcast? Is it billions? Last episode was, yeah, 1.1 billion.

Wow. It's ratty by billions. My show time right now. Catch the new season. It's coming up. I'm a big billions fan, actually. Really? That'll be my unsolicited advice next week.

What was your other bit of unsolicited advice? Well, gentlemen, keep a candle in the house in the apartment. Oh, that's nice. Just keep a candle there and light it all the time. It smells nice. Yes. It smells good. It smells or such a...

There's so many things in life that are out of your control. I mean, not to make it too gendered, like men keep a candle versus women, because there's a bunch of smelly women out there. But men in specific, maybe people work on it. Yeah, stinkier. There's so many things that are out of your control. You can control the scent and flavor and the aroma of your apartment. What center are you going for?

Yankee Doodle Candy Birthday Cake? Are you going for a more classy Creighton Barrel Cologne Smelling? I try to do classy, because to me, the sweeter ones end up smelling bad after a long enough amount of time. You feel like an air freshener. Yeah, it feels like... And someone is spraying up your nose. So right now, I kind of have a compromise.

I got oats and honey going at the house. I actually recently bought a candle. It was in a little blush box. It's called Boy Smells, and I got the one that was Redwood Tree. Here's a question for you. Are you lighting it every day when you go home? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I won't keep it lit all day.

Got it. I'll blow it out when I leave. A little bit. That's another tip. Blow it out when you leave. Living with a woman, we've got candles everywhere. Are you guys public? Oh, we're public.

Oh, wow. Yeah. You're a special. You can invest in their relationship. Yeah, I can buy stock in that. We got three candles in the house, at least. Are they always gone, or do you sort of forget about them? I don't ever like them, but sometimes I'll come home, Jill's watching TV, and there's

a candle going. There's a nice candle going. There's a candle going. Come on in. Is it three different scents competing? I don't really notice the scent. I don't know if I like... It's not like pine or lemon.

It's nothing that I can pinpoint, but they are three different scents. But your home smells lovely, and that's all that matters. It does smell lovely. It's nice. Great. You associate that with your lovely wife, and maybe it's a good thing you don't even notice it, because it's like... It gives off a nice light.

It creates a great ambience. I like candles lit while watching movies in the dark. That's fun. You notice your two tips were to mute, basically blinding yourself, and then to light a candle, which is to increase your heightened sense of smell. Mute, of course, means to not speak, which is another sense, if you think about it. And then your last tip is to numb your feelings regarding... I think you're over-analyzing this.

I don't think so, because... I'm muting the bad smells in my home. And increasing... That's right. All right, two good tips. Thank you so much. Thank you. I'm good for at least two good tips.

That's good. On my Patreon. Two good tips. Although I think they're cracking down on that. Do you have another lady's name? Oh, no. This is a dude's name. This is a dude's name who's asking a question about his brother's girlfriend.

His name is Godfrey Filders. Godfrey Filders writes, I'm in an impossibly upsetting situation. My brother's girlfriend is staying with me for a couple of months, having recently gotten a job in London. My brother, temporary, does not live in London. So they're both in London. Yes. But the brother does not live in London.

So he's living with his brother's girlfriend. Every week for at least three of my, sorry, every week, at least three of my ice cream cones go missing from the freezer. And I'm certain the girlfriend is stealing them. We made abundantly clear that food would not be shared. No one else lives in the apartment and I'm sure I'm not that bad at counting. I politely asked her if she was eating them and she laughed, explaining that she does not even like ice cream.

To be sure, no ice cream has gone missing, but maybe she is just eating the cones. What? Also, she did not directly answer the question and the vibe was strange. I swear to God, I saw a very subtle smirk. I asked again because it has to be her and she just laughed and said, I was a funny one, whatever the fuck that means. The big problem is my boss is her dad, so I can't be too douchey about the whole thing. So what should I do?

Keep confronting her, two, set up a sting operation, three, mildly poison the cone, four, snitch to her dad. Wait, his boss is her dad. That's right. So it's kind of an in good company situation. Is that the movie? Which one is that? Topher Gray, Scarlett Johansson.

Yeah. Yeah, I don't know if that's it. That is the premise of the movie. I don't know if it's called that, but. Never seen it. For the love that is all cone shaped and cream bearing, please help me. Thanks and peace. Love.

What was the name? Goughry. Felders. I can't believe he described the situation as impossibly sad. Possibly upsetting. There's an ice cream thief afoot. I think it's very possibly sad. Goughry, don't overreact.

Is he talking about ice cream cones that are frozen with ice cream already in it? I'm confused because if it's bare ice cream cones. In the freezer? Yeah, that's like. That's stranger. I think that that's like from the ice cream man cones. You know like those like. Like drumsticks.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. In which case, yeah, that's a more valuable steal. And then he's saying every week, three of them go missing and then she, he says maybe she's eating the cones and not the ice cream because she doesn't like ice cream. Okay, so it must be drumsticks. But there's ice cream that goes all the way down to the cone, right? It's not an empty cone and then ice cream on top.

Not in that drumstick. I mean, it'll, it'll melt ideally. What you want. What chocolate in the. To melt and go down into the cone. Yeah. But if you're not making the cone yourself, oh man, I fucking miss ice cream. I love waffle, but I, I'm no cone with ice cream stuff when I go salt and straw, when

I go to Jenny's, no cone. Why is that? Because it overwhelms the cream. I feel like I just get like bread-y taste in my mouth way more so than the instrument. I don't think so. I like the cone, but I like a nice wafer. So I'm trying to. Sorry, can we get that again clean?

Sure. I like a nice wafer. And that'll be a drop. I'll give a B minus two in the future. So I'm trying to get myself in the head of a freak that just likes the cones by themselves. I, like, so is, what's, what's the question again? Are we trying to solve the mystery? What should he do?

I feel like more than anything, he just wanted to vent. Basically, how about this? What would you do? I would, um, I, you know, what I would honestly do if I was in that situation and wanting to respect my brother and not feeling like the full need of like, this is my friend. I have to save the friendship. I would either one, just take it and not do anything about it and just kind of like vent to strangers on a podcast about it.

Yeah. Or two, I would install a security camera and like a cabinet or like put it in the freezer if you can find one that can withstand that to see what's happening. Or three, I would just buy more of those drumsticks or whatever the ice cream cone is and be like, Hey, I got some more because I know you, you probably have been liking them. What about? And just make the assumption. But she said twice that she wasn't.

Did you take it? No. You sure you didn't take it? You're funny. No. I have a funny one. Okay, I got some extra because I know you like it. What about doing that like blue exploding ink that they put in the bank bags?

Oh, here we go. Yes. So it's like she, you come home and she's just covered in this anthrax powder and they like, Oh anthrax. It's exploding ink. Yeah. He's not trying to kill his future sister. He did suggest mildly poisoning the ice cream.

Yeah. That was one of the options. You could don't do that because your brother won't be happy. You could just like sort of tag every single one just with like a one, two, three, you know, you like the hit movie a number. Yeah. And then every time you have one, you just tally it, mark it off and you're seeing if she's taking it.

Yeah. He's convinced that they're missing. But then if I'm her, I see the numbers. I don't go for him. Right. Well, that's a good little security thing. But then I guess it's preventative more so than like solving the blue done it. And if she does, but she will think you're insane.

How expensive are these? He kind of is. Yeah. There must be a dollar each, right? They can't be that expensive. Frozen ice cream sticks. Amir will personally Venmo you the money to buy more. That's missing.

Yeah. The only is the brother is girlfriend. It's also the, her, his boss's daughter. So he's got like two reasons to be actually like. Guys, are we thinking about this all wrong? Is it possible that this girl is getting the ice cream cones for her father? Wow. A man who's too cowardly.

It's too requested for them personally. From his employees. It all, it goes straight to the top. Don't you see? It all connects. To King Cone. Kevin is staring at a wall full of newspaper clippings. There's a red string going everywhere from Mr. Softy down to a guy to Dublin.

From ice cream to Cone. For a marketing intern at Haagen-Dazs. This all goes to the top. All right. Is there a PS that says da, da, da. We're also Klondike Barbers. No, no PS. I like to do a follow up on this one as well.

All right. Add it to the list. We got one last question if you got the time. This one's called Mormon cock block. Mormon cock block. Yeah. What do you know about Mormonism? Because your podcast, Good Christian Fun, is about Christian subculture.

It is. And that's more of the evangelical Protestant mainstream bent. More so than Mormonism. Yeah. I don't know a lot of Mormon stuff other than there was like a Mormon missionary movie and Hathaway made in like the early 2000s. That's all you got. That's all I got.

I don't know that. Like we're talking about the pop culture, just like the religion in general. Both I guess. They're nice. Every everyone I knew in high school who was a Mormon was very attractive and very like sincerely kind to me. That's my impression of Mormons is like they're very attractive like Patrick Wilson and Angels in America and they're very kind.

And I read Under the Banner of Heaven by John Crackauer. So my perspective on Mormons is that they are all child marrying blood thirsty, crazy people. Is that a novel or a non-fick? It's a non-fick. Okay. It's great. It's a great book.

It's called Under the Blood Hammer? Under the banner of heaven. Under the banner of heaven. Oh. I don't know where I got the blood hammer from. It is about a bloody ass murder. I'm going through some stuff guys. And it's called Slimax?

It's called the Slimax. Interesting. And it's our Slimer from Ghostbusters. All right. Here's the question. Yes. Sub-Jew boys. Here's the deal.

I matched with a really beautiful girl on Tinder while I was home for New Year's, 14-hour drive from where I'm going this uni. We've been FaceTiming and texting a lot, and we both like each other a lot. After talking for a few months, she decided to spontaneously fly here to see me for the weekend. A month later, a day before she was flying here, her very Mormon parents found out that she was coming here to see me and forbid her from coming. Consider my balls blue.

She wants to keep talking in pretty much do-long distance, but lives 14 hours away and we can't see each other for another four months. We don't live in the same province, and neither of us plan on moving anytime either. She's had a rough last year, and I don't want her hurt her by ending things, but at the same time, it doesn't seem practical for a couple of good-looking uni kids to enter into this long-distance relationship. So do I keep talking to her for four months, just to be able to see her for two months before coming back to school, or do I ghost her ass and continue my Tinder conquest?

Advice would be hype. Oh. Well, I'd say no to ghosting. It's not an A or B multiple choice here. What is the C? What's your go-to answer for this one? This is, first of all, there's never, it shouldn't be multiple choice, okay? This is long form essay.

That's what the podcast is. And these are people. They have feelings. And he doesn't want to be mean to her, but at the same time, he doesn't want to stay into a new relationship with her if he's not going to see her for another four months. And he doesn't want to be like another reason for her to get even more saddened. This is something that I don't like. People staying in relationships to not be mean to the person need to understand that

staying in a relationship where you don't care about somebody is actually a really mean thing to do. It's the meanest thing you can do, yeah. But it's secret mean, so she can still be happy while you're saying, yes, we're in a relationship, while you're also not technically in a relationship. But we're talking about the option of two mean things, one, straying her along, not actually caring about her just because you're afraid of hurting her. Or B, really, really hurting her by ghosting her.

So the other option is being honest, which is a little painful, but in the long run, isn't emotionally devastating. So what would you say to this lady, to be honest and not emotionally devastating? How old are these people, by the way? 40. 40 and her parents have said no. Unie. So 19.

I'll say 19. What's Unie? Oh, university. It's where you went when you were 15. Oh, yeah. That thing I was at for like two years. Yeah, no wonder her parents won't let her fly. She's 14.

Yeah, she can't drive. Yeah, I was going to go more towards Jake's area of like honesty now is better than lies forever or for like a long time and then a bunch honesty later. And sometimes we do advise lies forever. We've said that before. Life forever is the name of an episode. He's basically going to go home again in the summer and see her. So should he say, I don't want to talk to you for another four months or should he say,

Hey, this is a little too weird for me right now. I think it's a phone call. It's always painful and it's embarrassing and it's sad. It's sad for both people. But I really do believe like, and I've believed this a lot more recently in the last couple years that you can't end things well and it can feel great. A nice breakup. It can feel great to end things well where it's like, it's sad and even you're sad for

a couple of days as the Endur and obviously the ND, like whichever side of the equation you have it and beyond. But if you do it successfully, you can brag about it for a long time. I've been a good breakup does feel amazing. And it's a great sort of like, you know what, it was actually like, we just talked about it. It was sad, but you know, we were really mature about it and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And how ahead of your time, ahead of your uni time, you would be to do that.

My goal is with breakups is always, it's okay for the person to be sad, but I don't want them to be mad at me. So they can't be mad at me because I'm being honest, but they can still be sad at me because it's the end of a relationship. That's smart. That's smart. And you tell that you lead the breakup conversation with, you can't be mad at me. You can't be mad at me.

Your emotions are invalid because you can't, I'm doing this by the books. And as a man, you enjoy playing emotional boundaries. Yeah. It's all intern relationships that I'm not necessarily into, quote unquote, just so I can end them later as a practice. I give you way too much credit at the start of this. And I will on the way out, I'll sort of stub my toe and give the other party a look like they did that.

Right. So you can be mad at them. And I'll be like, sorry, it's not entirely your fault. I'll say little things like that, but why'd you get a bed with such hard edges? Never mind. I know why. You did it to hurt me. Oh man.

I think, man, ending well in college story will be great for your adult life. End it well. Yeah. All right. Be honest, end it well. Why don't you tell us a little bit about Good Christian Fun before you have to head out of here? Oh, and I gotta head out of here.

You gotta get the fuck out. I know. Good Christian Fun is a podcast on the Head Gum Network. I've heard of it. It is about Christian pop culture. If you grew up with Christian rock and movies and entertainment, talking DC talk, news boys, Avalon, Point of Grace, Left Behind, God's Not Dead, all that stuff. We talk about on the show with our comedian friends, like former guests, Head Gum host

Demia Digiwebe and Miguel Brado. That's right. Jake Hurwitz and Amir Blumey. I would love to go on and talk about my dueling Christian and Jewish upbringing. We've never talked about this, you had a dueling upbringing? Sort of, I guess. Wow. Yeah.

See, all good fodder. Yeah. We always talk to the guests about where they came from. They share their guestimony and their history with faith and where they're at now. Well, here's the thing. We did, when you were hosting Gilmore Girls, Gilmore Guys, we did a show, Gilmore Guys. We did an entourage episode on April Fool's. That's right.

Maybe we could do a Jewish episode on April Fool's. Good Jewish fun. Good Jewish fun. We've talked about it. We've talked about doing good atheist fun, good Jewish fun. Yeah. I would talk about atheist fun. Good Mormon fun.

Man, we had so much fun doing that entourage episode. That was the best. Three years ago. Yeah. You know, the quotes, it still rings in my head from that. Just keep your pants off, you little bitch. What? I don't remember the context for that at all.

That was how Amir ended the episode. Jesus Christ. Go back and listen to that, everybody. Three years ago. Just keep your pants on, you little bitch. No. Off. Off.

Of course. Of course. That was 2016 when it was fun to do performative misogyny. It was different then. Why? Trump hadn't won yet. Yeah. Oh my gosh.

No, that was recorded the night he did win. All right. We were celebrating. That was how we were celebrating. All right. So a good Christian fun on headgum.com or wherever you listen to podcasts. You don't got to be a Christian to listen to it. In fact, we prefer if you're not so we can convert you to skating.

You said just kidding really quietly. Convert you to skating. All right. The opening theme song was written by Carson and this closing one, I have to look up again because I lost it. I'm not as organized right now. I don't know why. It has to do with, because you got rid of your hot corners, dude.

How many do you have in the bullpen waiting for like opening and closing themes? We got some unused ones. Hundreds? No, not hundreds. Okay. Dozens. What an amazing gift to have so much user generated content. It's pretty.

It's nice. They're way more talented than us. Yeah. And what a microcosm of how like the website industry works like Buzzfeed or Funny or Die. We'll have the email. You guys do the work. I found it. Get exposure.

It's T. Lang did a parody of Bo Burnham's Bo Yo. I'd like a shout out. My girl Saskia, my brother for the, the city of Gothenburg, Sweden, and last and least my bandcamp, onsdag.bandcamp.com. It's decent at best and amazing at worst. I love the phrase, last and least. That's why it's last. Last and least.

Kevin, thank you so much for your stuff. Hey, thanks for having me, guys. Of course. This was so fun. I'm glad you can come in today on such short notice. Yes. I finished my prayers early just to be here. And we'll be back next week.

Thanks for listening. Ciao. I don't know if Jake and Amira are ghosts and gay because every time they're talking, it feels like that's being from ghosts with clays. They're gonna help you so you can leave it and drop it. Listen to the podcast with your phone in your pocket and go, if you're in 10 minutes, only 10 minutes, only 10 minutes, only 10 minutes, only 10 minutes, only 10 minutes, only 10 minutes, only 10 minutes, only 10 minutes, only 10 minutes, only 10 minutes, only 10

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