If I Were You - 376: Skinny Condom

Episode Date: April 1, 2019

In this episode we discuss Amir’s April Fools Day LASIK, coed wrestling, and of course, jade rollers.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. I'm scared what do I do? Need advice and I want to have a laugh too. Got to listen to the podcast if I were you. I'm here and Jake goes coming through. They both have really high IQs. Smart, okay? There is dumb as a cashew. What can you expect from a couple choose?

Or a little baby chipmunks point of view. Aw, he's so cute. Hey guys, I'm kidding. You're not as dumb as a cashew. Here's dumb as an almond. Whoa. Holy shit, a diss track. I can take it. You're weeping.

It's like what the fuck did he mean by that? Why did you say I can take it as you cried? I can take a fucking... I said I can take a gentle ribbing. This was way more than a gentle ribbing. She said, what did he say? He called me like... It was verbal rough housing.

It was unfair to me. It wasn't what it was. You could say like I'm handsome but not hot and that's fine even though it's kind of fucked up. That wouldn't even be like a gentle ribbing. But he'd be like, what did he say? I guess that's like a backhanded compliment or something. He called me tall? You wish he called you tall.

He said you were as dumb as a cashew. He called you, you're crying harder. A nut based insult? Then he said you were dumber than a cashew. As dumb as an almond. Insulted almond. Nice. Thank you.

That's not dumb. Smart comedy. Matt Brooks himself, he says, instead of shouting out my other shitty music, can you shout out my website, EverySingleFrame.com. It's a website that lets people explore images from critically acclaimed films

in a completely random order. I think Jake would like it. 2001 of Space Odyssey is my favorite. EverySingleFrame.com. I guess it's a website that lets people explore images from critically acclaimed films. I feel like I've seen this website before. Oh, interesting.

I wonder if it's every frame or just the exciting frame. Oh yeah, look at this. So they have American Psycho. EverySingleFrame.com. And then I click on random frame and it shows a random frame from the entire movie. I wonder if this is random frame from every frame or he just shows like the coolest scenes.

Could be random frame indeed. Some of these are very uneventful. Oh cool, I see. You just click on a random... That's really cool. Yeah. That's very cool. That was a nice frame actually.

Yep. That's actually a really random frame. That's a super random... Alright, thanks Matt Brooks for coming up with that. This is the April Fools episode of our show. It's an April 1st episode release. Monday, April 1st. And this is not a joke.

When this episode comes out, you'll have fucking perfect ass eyesight. Close. This comes out at midnight. My Lasik is sometime Monday, April 1st morning. Oh wow, so when this comes out, you'll be under the laser. Under the laser below the knife,

above the vest below the fold, blurred, scared, afraid, and shivering so much that the laser can't focus on my cornea. They'll have to give me a Xan 30 hours till I land. I took a Xan. Did you? I took a Xan. They gave me a Xan.

They asked me if like, do you want a prescription for a Xanx? Some people take it. And I said, do most people take the Xanx? Is that like a thing? And she's like, no, most people don't.

I'm like, okay, so I don't need a Xanx. But now I'm fucking thinking about it. Well, they gave me one. I mean, it definitely... I wish they gave it to me 20 minutes before. Yeah, like they didn't hit until after. Yeah, I definitely was not feeling the effects of my Xanx while I was under the laser.

My face when that Xanx hit, it was after the laser. Right. So you... That's a fun meme. My MFW, that Xanx hit, and then it's a chipmunk in a tree. Yeah, but not for me,

because I'm not a chipmunk. Well, that's... You are. I'm not a chipmunk. You are. For me, it'd be something else, like me sleeping or something. Yeah, it would be like me sleeping.

If you would be a chipmunk. No. Next to a chipmunk. You are a chipmunk. The most I'll give you is that time... Is it time for like... Since it's April Fool's, the ruse is finally up.

Mm-hmm. You say... Since it's April Fool's, we can say that the joke is finally over. I'm not a chipmunk. No. The joke is finally over that you are a chipmunk.

I don't think so. I don't think so. The ruse is up. You've been trying to pull one over on society for a fort year. So will you tell me really quick when you went under the laser, did you feel any Xanx thing

or you were fully awake, alert and afraid? I wasn't afraid, so maybe that means I was feeling a tiny little bit of the Xanx. Okay. Was it literally just a laser, a light in your face?

Yeah, it looked more like... It looked like... Kind of like... I was underwater looking at a traffic light or something. But no pain. No pain at all. Kind of just like a sense of wonder.

Like, I can't believe this is really happening to me. It felt like you're in a really vulnerable position. Yeah. If the guy just wanted to be an evil villain, he could just laser your face.

Yeah, or give you a bad prescription and it's like, sorry for the rest of your life, you have to wear really weird uncomfortable glasses. That's interesting. My fear was not that it was going to go like slightly bad.

My fear was that I was going to be tortured. I see James Bond style. Yeah. Where like the laser would start going down your chin onto your dick. Yeah, that's right. And there wasn't a Xan that they gave me. It was freaking speed.

Yeah, and it was... So I was going to be hyper-alert for the entire thing. And they'd give you ASIC. That's ass-lasic. They reshape your little butthole. So that when you shit, it's like a tube of star coming out. Oh, I mean, I would definitely

get that elective surgery. Really? Because I've actually been thinking about purchasing one of those machines. Right, meanwhile you just sort of reshagering it. You shoved a play-doh piece up your anus. But was yours in the morning or the afternoon?

It was, I believe it was in the afternoon. Yeah, because mine is in the morning and they're like, for the rest of the day, you won't be able to see that well. I'm like, okay, so I got like 14 hours to kill now. Now I'm all blurred up and it's 11 a.m. I have to like go to brunch, then dinner. Is it, wait, oh, it's a Monday, right?

Yeah. Yeah, I would prefer... Late in the day. Late in the day because then it's like... You just go home and fall asleep. Yeah, you probably only have to listen to like a sports, a sporting event or a podcast. Yeah, I've got a whole Monday to fill.

I'm gonna go to the fucking LACMA. Really? I'm going to an art museum. Not the time. It's not the time. It would be blurry. It obviously would be the time. I'm actually, I have tickets to see us.

Well, why would you do that to yourself? A double feature. And I hear like really artistic. Yeah, it's visually appealing. It's fun to see it. And then we're doing 2001 of Space Odyssey at my house. Every single frame. Yeah, I got the 60 millimeter and we're going to dissect it.

And then I have an art history class. You're planning too much. You're also groggy. You'll be groggy afterwards. Well, wouldn't that Xanax hit? I mean, maybe that's why I was so groggy. It really, it's so funny. You like, they give you cheap sunglasses and a banana.

Oh, they gave you a banana. I think they gave me a banana unless I just had one. I was so high. I don't remember if they gave me fruit or if I had it on the day. Yeah, you get the lay stick. Then you stick around for a little while. You can't see anything. You're just eyes shut in the waiting room.

Eyes wide shut. And then they come, you like, looks at you, or at least my doctor did, looked at you after the fact. Just be like, okay, this is good. You're good to go home. But then how does it work with like, you have the slit, right? So how does blinking not like open the flap? Because they have to flap open your cornea. Yeah.

Blinking doesn't like lift the flap a little bit. I guess, I guess not. But they tell you not to rub. Yeah, don't rub. Don't do like swimming or any like hard physical activity. Right. So I guess, I guess blinking is fine. Do you remember what you ate for dinner that night in a half blinded state?

Well, I had that banana. Yeah. And that sort of, that you were good to go. I know. I don't remember. I'm sure that I did eat dinner and, but it really, it felt like I, I couldn't really see. Yeah. Did you pitch black?

Did you try to use your eyes or did you just close your eyes? Like it's probably better. I just, I pretty much just kept them closed. Yeah. And if I did open them, it was so like, I could see stuff. But like, I, it almost felt like I was doing something wrong. See, this is what I need. I need to just get over that day, which is this day, if you're listening to it on Monday,

April 1st. And then I want to get like these cheap frames of glasses just so I can like have a dummy frame to transition myself out of this life. What about just putting glass frames in those glasses? Yeah. I don't know if I can do that. I don't know how long that takes to do. I need to just like go to Warby Parker and just snatch a frame.

Right. Yeah. Grab a cheap one off the rack. Yeah. Or pop these out. Right. That would work. Or a fucking tattoo of glasses.

So I'm always wearing it. That's interesting, but I don't think that would be smart. All right. So I can schedule a tattoo removal because you can see that I did start. And I did that. Yeah. Right. It's really thin.

Yeah. It's under my glasses now. Because you just lifted up your glasses. And it's a thick black tattoo. Yeah. So you got the tattoo. It's one of those old-fashioned April Fool pranks, which is like you use this telescope, and then you move and they have like a black ring around your eye.

Right. So it's like that, but for glasses. You're looking more and more like a chipmunk every day. So by the time you listen to the next episode, I guess we'll record the next one soon. So that'll also be before Lasik. But I'll keep people abreast on my social media channels. I believe that. I'm very, very excited to see.

And no one will believe it because it's a classic day of pranking. This is a classic prank to pull. That's true. And it doesn't really affect anyone else. So what kind of prank would it be? A good one. Thanks, man. I needed to hear that.

All right. This is, after all, if I were you, the only advice podcast on the web hosted by me. And me. Soon we'll both have perfect vision. That's right. Without any help of any fucking laser. We did it all by ourselves. Well, we got the laser.

Well, we got the laser as a little help, but now that it's here. The doctor. Yeah. The doctor was fine. It's fine that you needed help. I just, I really want to be the kind of guy that's like, I'm 36 and I got perfect vision. It is cool. I was just at the DMV a few weeks ago and they like had me read a thing and they're like,

do you wear glasses or contacts? I'm just like, no. And I never had to either. Lasik wouldn't know about it. There was a freaking two years where I couldn't drive at night, but that's not me anymore. All right. These are real questions from real people. I'm trying to find which ones we like the most.

Your brother has been helping us out trying to find the best questions. All right. I found it. I found it. Okay. I called father's condom and we need a Canadian boys name. Mike Myers. Mike Myers writes, today I woke up at 5am to drive my parents to the airport like any

good son would do. It's a 40 minute drive. So on my way, we talked about life, my recent graduation and potential career paths. Really, it all just culminated into one beautiful moment until we got to the airport and my dad got up off his seat to grab his bag. To my horror, a condom lay underneath where he was sitting. This single condom happens to be the same brand I use. So I immediately assumed it was mine, snatched it and stuffed it in a nearby crevice of my

car. I don't know if my dad saw me do it. The more I thought about it, the more I realized there was almost no way that any of my condoms could have made it into my car. And that that particular specimen must have slid out of my dad's pocket. When I got to my car to hug my parents to say goodbye, I hugged my mom and turned for my dad and he was already past the airport doors. At this point, I'm guessing he panicked and decided to flee to California instead of say

goodbye. Honestly, I feel bad for the guy and think the whole situation is pretty funny but I know my dad and he's probably feeling pretty embarrassed about the whole situation. But it's such an awkward note to leave on since I won't be seeing him for three weeks. Should I say anything? Should I break the ice somehow? Should I pretend it never happens? I also have a tiny nagging doubt that maybe this condom really is mine.

In which case, I don't even fucking know anymore. All I know for sure is that I need your guys' help. FaceTime your dad. Unwrap the condom. Put it over your head. I'd say I found it. I found something that belongs to you. Eureka.

A Trojan. I think, yeah. There's so many different ways that this condom could get in the back of the car. Maybe a friend. Maybe it's yours. You rarely think about a father's condom. Like a father's the last person who needs a condom. Right.

Especially if the kid is driving age, does that mean that the condom wasn't for the mom? Because maybe the mom's past having a kid age? Yeah. I don't quite know the age. I'm not good enough at math to know when she would have had to have this kid. Yeah. It seems like their children having days are over when the first one is past college and thinking about his life driving his parents to the airport.

Right. On your paths. Yeah. While your dad's like sliding a condom on. Right. I can't get your mom pregnant again, Christ. But I can't nut without a rubber. This car ride is turning me on.

Don't hit another bottle, Mike. Oh, fuck. Now your mom's all hot and bothered thinking about having another one of your kids. Pull over. Pull the fuck over. So I can pull the fuck out. I don't trust myself. Yeah, well, is the part of the awkwardness that he maybe found something that his dad

was using to cheat on mom with? Oh, I didn't even think about that. But then why would the dad just fucking sprint away? Yeah. Your dad would be like, hold on. I think I dropped my freaking glasses and like scrambling to look for the condom. The evidence is absolutely stacking up for the case that this is not your dad's condom. Yeah.

So maybe don't text him or call him out about the condom. Or maybe he stole a condom of yours to give you a nice talking to on the way to the airport. But then the conversation got really sweet and nice and it was about his future. He's like, you know what? I'm not going to fucking berate my son for buying Trojan extra skinnies. Right. That's right. My pencil-dicked offspring couldn't even get it up.

Big enough for a regular condom. They had to buy this Trojan extra slim. No way they call them skinny condoms, right? They must make condoms that are that size. But what is the branding there? Right. Because I know there's regular and then there's Magnum. Magnum's a cool name for a big cock.

But what's the name for a skinny short slender little thing? I guess it's like a smaller gun. Yeah. Because it's a magnum or a... Trojan slims. This is really funny. For a man that's very thin at the bottom. A Trojan straw.

Celebrate your thinness. I have a thinness for the thinness. I guess you call it like revolver. That's kind of like... Yeah. But a revolver can also be thick. Oh, if you want to go with a gun metaphor, Trojan half cocked. That's good.

Or what about Trojan, that straw that you sort of shoot a little dart out of? Jesus. A lawn dart? Oh, yeah. Oh, a blow dart. A blow dart. Trojan blow dart. I'm going to search condoms.

Condoms that are sharp. I'm going to search condoms for skinny dicks and see what happens. Okay. I bet they... I bet what's going to happen is my freaking girlfriend's going to find it and think that, yeah, it's already a purple link. Right. That'll ruin your Instagram ads.

Misetry modern furniture and skinny dick condoms. Best condoms for small penises. What are good condoms? We didn't say small, we said thin. I assure you they're very long and taut. Ten condoms that offer size options. Glide slim fit. Slip fit.

That's really good. That's really good. It's like they're skinny jeans. Yes. Then you can get a sampler pack. Then nobody can know that. But they should be called glides then. So you don't have to...

So like if you're... Well, I guess anybody you're about to have sex with is going to know that you have a slim dick if you have one. So it doesn't really matter. It's not slim. I got the variety pack. Yeah, but all the larges are still in the box. Well, I roll the dice each time.

Sometimes you only roll once. And that's good enough for me. So this odds are it's not your father's condom and even if it is, you don't have to bring it up to the old man? Yeah. I think no matter what, don't say anything. And you can kind of talk yourself out of like your anxiety about this by knowing that we are of the mind that this is not your dad's condom.

Yeah. It is your mom's birth control though. Here's a good one. From an American man, we'll call Dana Carvey. Nice. I'm a freshman dude in college and I'm in quite a sticky situation. A girl in my friend group has recently talked in mad shit about how she can beat me in a fight.

Obviously my friends think this is hilarious so they won't let it go and are insisting that me and this girl wrestle on the quad to settle the debate once and for all. My problem is if I win this match, am I just a douchebag for beating up a girl? And if I lose, then I will be humiliated and shamed for the rest of my college career. Should I refuse to fight and risk being called a pussy or do I beat the shit out of this girl and reclaim my honor? Thanks for helping and much love. PS, I'm 6'4", 175 but not very strong for my size.

The girl in question is 5'6", and 145 but she's a varsity rower and extremely strong for a girl. Her deadlift is bigger than mine at 355. Holy shit. I'm confident that my upper body is stronger than hers but her legs are pretty powerful. Neither of us have much experience or skill when it comes to wrestling. Wow. This is a good fight.

This is a good question. I want to see the fight so I would be just selfishly I want this guy to go for it. Right. And it would be funny if he lost. Go for it, follow up pup. Let us know who wins. If she's got super strong rowing legs, she could just square up with him and then just kick him anywhere.

I would lose to a really strong 5'6", jacked female. Totally. I mean, you don't know how to fight, then you'll lose in a fight. I feel like people that know how to fight just like... But she doesn't know how to fight either. Right. But I guess if she's got... But she has really strong legs.

If she's deadlifting like 355, then I think she could beat me up too. Yeah. I would just kick until I break one of his bones or get kicked until I cried. I think the only way to save face is to not do it and make it purely about honor. Not do it? To not fight. Oh. To just be like, no, I won't do it.

I'm not going to fight a girl. I won't fight a girl. Yeah. I know that you're not doing it because you'll lose. Or you can fight and lose. You'll do it because you have some sort of like old world sense of right and wrong. Like Captain America style, I never hit a woman. What about fight and lose?

And then everyone's like, did you lose on purpose? And then you can say no. And then some people think you're really honorably lying, but you're actually telling the truth. But I don't understand how that's... So you'll lose, and then people will... I just don't understand how that's good advice, man, because he's losing to a woman and it's sort of empowering his friend group to see like, oh, yes, just because I'm a man doesn't mean I'll win in a fight.

Right. I guess the other thing you can do is just let all these notions go and be like, it's not embarrassing if I lose to a girl in a fight. And I'm not necessarily stronger than this person. I'm just going to fight and we'll give it my all. And if I lose, hey, she's a better fighter than me. There's no shame in that. This says wrestling, which is a little different than fighting, right?

Like in wrestling, your job is to pin the other person. So like you can still lose and not get beat up or win and not beat this girl up. Right. I mean, you could try to wrestle her and then like win or lose. And then if you lose, you're like, damn, you could also beat Joey. And then like, she has to wrestle somebody else, you know? And like, Joey's like, I would never wrestle a woman and everyone applauds him. I think you can turn this into like a big group wrestling thing.

Yeah, start a tournament. Yeah, it sounds fun, but what you don't want is for it to be like about you two fighting because then the shame is too squarely on your shoulders. Do you remember when we did this at College Humor? No, who fought? No, it was dudes. It was only guys that fought. I don't think any, well that was because like no girls worked in that office then.

I did not do it. You did fight? No. Yeah, I fought Vinny. And who won? I won. That's cool. But there was like...

Was it a wrestling though? Was it like pinning the other person? It was a pin... Yeah, it was pinning. It was just pinning. And... Pinning is winning. But I remember like it was a huge circle where like two people that had like planned

I don't know how this started like it was like Traywin and Iowa. Yeah, two like the crazier people or like Chris Collins and Kevin Corrigan. But like they wrestled and then when it was over people just started like pointing across like you're evenly matched with you like size-wise you go, you go. This would be an interesting battle. And that's like... But you have like seven inches on Vinny. Yeah.

And Vinny like Vinny picked me, which was good because I was worried that I was going to just get picked and lose and I don't want to lose. But I also didn't want to leave and I didn't want to fight, but I didn't want to leave. Yeah. I didn't want to lose. So I was like, all right, you have to fight. Was it hard? Yeah.

I mean, at that point I also like never climbed, never went to the gym. Right. I didn't want to run for exercise. So I wasn't like strong either. Right. And yeah, it was just like I have to just like fall on top of him and get him to stop. I didn't have to end the fight by pinning him first. I did a similar thing, but basketball-wise with a friend in college, my friend Pavla,

who played on her high school team and me played one-on-one in the same fashion where it's like, do you think you can beat Pavla one-on-one? And I felt a little bad, but I did think so. She felt bad and she did think so as well. So you guys both thought you could beat each other? Yeah. But we ended up playing one-on-one. And it was closer than I thought, but I ended up winning mainly because I was just like

overpowering her. She was better at basketball, but I was taller and a little bit stronger. Boxing her out, committing hard fouls, throwing elbows. Not playing fair, calling fouls on her. I called it technical on her at one point for complaining. Yeah. So as the result of that came in, as you won, were people like, oh good, you get to keep your man card?

Of course not. No. No. It was like two people watching. Felt kind of bad for us because we were both pretty bad at one-on-one. We both got tired very quickly. So that could be a thing too. They could wrestle and they'd both put up a good fight, but they both at the end say,

you know what, let's call it a tie. That's the happiest ending, I think. We're both good. Well, no, because I feel like if you're- Or both equally bad. Right. But these men are douchebags, some of them, and I feel like the ones that are goading into this guy into fighting a girl because they think it'll be funny to see him lose, they will tease him just as hard if he draws.

I just say do it, do it and let us know what happened. I'm very curious. This email just came in so we can actually guide him. Agree? I don't know if I want to see him do it, but I do want- I guess- No, actually, I guess my advice is do it, but with the attitude of it's not embarrassing if you lose, somebody just wants to fight you, just wants to wrestle you. And if you think it might be fun, you should do it.

It's a consensual match. Have at it. Yeah. But if you don't want to wrestle, like no pressure, if you don't want to wrestle, you don't have to wrestle. No, pressure. Pressure. Pressure.

Pressure. That's the question. Would he wrestle one of his friends in the quad if his friend wanted to wrestle in the quad? Or is he just above general public displays of wrestling in the quad? Which I think I would be and that's fine. What if he just gets arrested right away? Like a policeman comes by and is like, this guy is just shoving this girl into the ground.

Oh, that's interesting. It's just so quickly tased. It's illegal, right? You could tell like a campus security person that like, hey, I think a fight's going to go down in the quad today, and then you show up in a singlet, he doesn't know, he doesn't know it's you, but then he stops the fight before it happens. And then you had the huevos to show up. All right, let us know what you end up doing.

Either way, I'm going to send this guy a square follow up. Very much so. We should start doing the follow up pup with the phone call, man. I really want to do that. Wow. Straight up, let's talk about it. All right, let's take a break, think some sponsors, and we'll be back with more questions and answers after this.

Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah.

Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow.

We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool.

This is a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it.

I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. She misheard it or something like that, or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool.

And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app.

Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something that could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that.

You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames. That's A-U-R-A. Frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the

best selling frames. There it is. Oh wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames A-U-R-A. Frames.com.

Okay. Go get your parents something. All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge.

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Thanks, BetterHelp. And we're back, Jake. Do you have any? I bought a jade roller. Exqueef me? Exqueef you indeed. I bought a jade roller, which is what? A stone on a stick.

You can roll it on your face to save face. So you know what it is. Where did you hear about it? Why did you buy it? When do you use it? And why do you cry it? So I went to the Vogue fashion, no wait, the Vogue beauty closet when I directed that short with Ken Jong.

Okay. This you recall? I posted about it on my Instagram. That's right. And I also posted about it on my Finstagram. Really? Yes. So in that closet, there's a bunch of like strange products and the jade roller was one

that we used, like I don't know if it made it to the final video, but that was my first foray. I was like, what is it? It's like a face massager. You just like roll it on your face. That's right. And they told me that it like reduces puffiness, it massages the face, it gets rid of bags under your eyes.

And I was like, no it doesn't. And I walked away. Never to think about it again. Then I was in a store with my wife, Jillian, and we came across the jade roller and she was like, oh, I wanted to try this. And I was like, really? I've seen this in my life as well. That's the exact same one I walked past in New York City.

It's following me. So then I think it reached a fever pitch for me. When I came home. I was like, come on, coming up. There's a jade roller on my pillow. So yeah, we bought it and I didn't know that you keep them in the freezer. Not just fridge. No.

Well, I don't know if everybody does this. A frozen slab of metal. Yeah. Sorry. It's like a frozen stone. And in the morning. But it's a cylinder so you can roll it. It looks like a paint roller.

It looks like a tiny little, it's like a paint roller but the handle is the size of like half a toothbrush. You know? It's small. Yeah. I guess it looks, it's maybe the size of a razor, except it's a roller instead of a razor. Anywhom.

It's the size of a raisin. On a straw. It's a raisin. It's a small frozen raisin. It's a raisin on your mom. On a floss. So I gave it a shot. I honestly don't know if I've reduced my bags or my puffiness of my face, but what I can

tell you is that rolling something that cold on your face in the morning is really nice. And what's the process there? Is it straight up out of bed to the freezer? You're rolling it on your face? Yeah. Well, I, it's in the freezer. So straight up out of bed, brush the teeth, change. It's the last thing I do before I, it's like something I do as my oatmeal is, is boiling

or something. You're leading an insane life right now. Yeah. Oatmeal boiling. Jade is roiling. That's right. I'm out the door for a snack. That reminds me of another little piece of unsolicited advice I've had, which is I've

been, I, I'm a, I'm a big snoozer. I'll snooze, I'll snooze for hours, I'll snooze for days. I once snoozed for nine fucking days. That's a week. Oh yeah. It's over a week. Yeah. That's over a week of snoozing.

Yes, it is. It's too much. I was snoozing and losing. Yeah. It really was. I didn't eat. I didn't drink. I laid and wasted in my bed for nine whole days because I was snoozing.

Yeah. Nine minute increments. I never, I didn't catch a wink of sleep. Edge wise. Just turn off your phone. Yeah. It's in a right. It's in a right.

It was edging sleep. I was edging REM. Yeah. It's like every time I'd start to drift off, somebody would slap me. Not yes. Exactly. Okay. Okay.

Okay. So anyway, what I've been doing lately is just as soon as my alarm goes off. I get out just like, no rolling over, no pressing, no seeing anything. Just like alarm goes off. Two seconds later, I'm out of bed and it helps that I usually have to pee because it gives you something to do. Yeah. So I like get up and I go and I pee and as I'm peeing, I'm like, oh man, I'm gonna go

back to bed for a little bit by the end of my pee. I'm like, maybe I'll just brush my teeth. So that way, like I brushed my teeth and then I can go back to bed and then when I really have to wake up, I'll just get right up. That's right. But by the time you're done brushing your teeth, you're like, I'm up now. It's over. The hard part's done.

You need like less than two minutes to wake yourself up and you will snooze. You will snooze for nine days. Yeah. It really, for me, it matters like when in the cycle I wake up, like if I wake up naturally before an alarm, that's so much better than like falling back asleep for another 20 minutes. Right. Because when you're dreaming and your alarm goes off, that's when like I just feel like someone's dragging me back to bed.

Do you use that bedtime app? No. I just set my alarm for later, like my last possible moment. I usually wake up beforehand. What time are you waking up these days? Between eight and 8.30. And you'll set your alarm for what, like 8.36? Yeah, or like 9.08.

Oh, but you're never asleep until nine. Never. Interesting. Yeah. I always, I think, I feel like I actually probably do get up before eight when I set my alarm for nine, but most of the time I set my alarm for 8.30 and it does wake me up. So you're, do you, if you set your alarm for 8.30, are you looking at your phone to see

like what time, because it's like, oh, it's daylight out. I wonder what time it is. Well, and it's like 7.43. No, I never, if I, I don't wake up before my alarm. You don't, you never check the time. No. Do you pee in the middle of the night? Sometimes I pee in the middle of the night, but I don't care what time it is.

I can sense that it's dark. So it's like, it could be 2 a.m., it could be 6.30 a.m., just no idea. I have like an anxiety of, because I like to sleep with such darkness. Yeah. Like if I turn my phone on and it like hits me with light, I will, won't be able to fall back to sleep as quickly. You sitting down when you're doing the middle of the night, peace? Middle of the night, peace.

I'll sit. Ever fallen asleep and then like woken up, face down on the, the floor of your cold heart bathroom next to the toilet. I'm sorry that's happened to you. No. In a way that just made me know that it happened to you. Obviously it's never happened to me. I've never been so exhausted, like you couldn't quite go to bed and then like you finally

passed out and then you wake up, you go to pee and you're sitting down on the toilet, but your dick is like over the lip. Like you sit down, but you're like so out of it. Your dick is over the lip and you start pissing on the floor and like that noise is kind of like that, that white noise app that I'll be taller, whoever it uses. No, so this does, it's happened to you. You're using people. The sound of the urine on the porcelain floor is almost like rain on a jade roof.

You're saying this hasn't happened to you? Stop talking over me. I get it. Okay. And then you fall asleep. You're, you're lulled to sleep by the sound of your own piss hitting the floor. No, that's never happened to me. You lean for eventually out of, yeah, out of frame.

I know you're confiding in me in the form of a question. Has that ever happened to me? It's happened to you. It's happened to you. It has happened to you. It's happened to you. It has happened to you. And it's okay.

It happens to you yesterday. It happens to you yesterday and it happens to you one other time. And how did you apologize to Avital? Well, she woke up and she found you face first in your own piss. How do you explain to her that you're not back on the fucking wagon after that? You have a whiskey dick. I'm so sorry. You don't have to be.

I barely fit into your trojan slims. And you, you're having one of those days where your dick is just receding into your, it's a nub. It's just one of those days. Everything got to get wet. Everything is waked up and then you wake up on the floor of the bathroom. It's just one of them days. Anyway, then you use the jade roller.

Oh yeah. So my solicited advice is the jade roller. I think it's nice. I think it wakes you up. It's, I'm all about soothing routines that make you feel a certain way. I don't care if it does anything to my face really. I, but I, I do like feeling like optimized, elegant, streamlined, like full American psycho mode.

Yeah. Like it puts them on the right foot. You wear an ice mask if your face is a little puffy. Exactly. He used an ice mask. He used a jade roller. So maybe get a jade roller. I don't know.

Maybe. See if it's for you. Yep. All right. Should we get to one last question before we have to hit the bricks? It's cool with me. This is from a hippie woman. Who's a hippie ass woman in your life?

Ooh. Oh, I guess all of my sisters. All of your sisters are a hippie woman to you. Which one's more hippie? The one that works on a farm, a hydroponic or aquaponic farm on a roof. Yeah. Of course that one. The one that worked on an organic tea farm or the one that's in a folk music band.

Oh, which woman do you choose? I guess maybe Sarah is the most hippie-ish. Okay. A hippie-ish named Sarah writes, I'm a third year student in the States. At the start of this year, I moved into a co-op. For those unfamiliar with the term, these are basically big old houses brought up and exist around the country. The best way I can describe a co-op is if you imagine a frat house and then fill it with stoners. Just a bunch of dirty hippies all under one roof.

You think Sarah would live in a co-op? No, she would hate it. So among all of the smoking... All of her sisters would. So among the smoking, there's lots of fucking and the shit can get messy when you live together. But with 30 of us all under one roof, it's kind of inevitable. Within the first month, I started to have pretty serious feelings for this one guy who happened to live on the floor below mine. It was hella dope and we were pretty transparent about our feelings for each other.

Shit started to get serious, but then I moved two states away for an internship at the end of the semester. Two months into doing long distance, this guy calls me and ended things. He breaks up over the phone. Now I do think the distance was too much for both of us and it was for the better that things ended. But the plot only thickens from here. Turns out the night before he ended things, one of my housemates overheard him and this other girl talking. Not just any girl, a hula-hooping rave girl. An absolute dime piece, if you will.

This chick ends up reading his tarot cards and explaining to him that his current relationship is weighing on him and that he needs to end things. And what do you know, the next day he does just that. Ever since, he's been all up in her business. I'm not really upset that he's talking to someone else. I'm more irritated that he was so emotionally out of touch that he needed a fucking tarot card reading to tell him how to feel. Do I have right to be pissed off that he ended a meaningful and emotional relationship because someone read him a bullshit fortune? What do you think?

Cheers, love Sarah. It's like taking your car to the used car sales lot and asking that guy, like, hey, can you inspect the car and tell me if I need a new one? The tarot card reader is like, oh, this car. He's like, yeah, the one that says love and fertility. She's like, yeah, that's actually a really bad sign. It means that like you're out of love with this woman. What about this joy card?

It means you're in a sad relationship. It means you can find joy somewhere else. This one just says Sarah. Yeah, that means that she's way bad. She's bad for you on you. You want to see this hula hoop trick? I guess don't date a hippie who lives in a co-op with 30 other people who seems to be very, what's it called when you are easily suited and not influential, the opposite.

Yeah. You're so in that word. I think I have fucking Alzheimer's, dude. The word where it's like, you're so, oh, persuadable, not persuadable. There's a Jake and Amir video about it where you're like, you're so this. I'm easily persuaded. I know. It's influenced.

It's not influenced. Easily persuaded synonyms. So many people are yelling the word. I know. Should we just keep struggling to guess without me looking it up? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're so. Stop saying you're so.

Okay. You have to shut the fuck up. You have to shut the fuck up right now. Fuck. You're so. It's one word and it starts with I, right? Installated. You're so insulated like that, but not insulated.

Yeah. This guy is obviously so perceptible. No, that's not a word. Impressionable? Impressionable, sort of. I'm going to look it up. It's not quite impressionable, right? Easily influenced synonyms.

No, no, no. Read them out. Maybe? No. No. This is hard. Agreeable, amenable, adaptable, accommodating, pliable, well-behaved? Wait, what was one?

Do impressionable. I hope we don't figure it out and it doesn't have that joyous, oh yeah. That's what I think it might be impressionable. I'm sort of like, my itch feels scratched right now. Impressionable is scratched. Yeah. We'll search that as other synonyms for that. Susceptible?

Oh, susceptible? No. You're so... Why don't we just... Why don't we search the Jacob and Amir script archive for the word impressionable and we'll see if that's in the video. Yeah, but do you remember any other part of that video? Because then we can look up exactly what it is. No.

Oh, it is, horoscope. Wow. Your mind is so impressionable. My mind is not impressionable. Yes, it is. I guess it is. Yeah, that is. That's the video.

So the word after all is impressionable. Anyway, this guy seems to be swayed very easily or he heard what he wanted to hear, which was that things aren't great between you and that he doesn't want to be in a long distance relationship. And now you're feeling jealous and anger towards the tarot card reader. He can do whatever he wants. He is a singles man and now you are a singles woman and you can do whatever you want. You best probably just move into another co-op, meet someone else and you'll stop thinking about this guy entirely. Fucking savage, Blumenfeld. I really don't give a shit right now because I'm like under the laser and I'm blinded by the light.

Blinded by the light. I was thinking that there's a risk in LASIK blinding myself, but I've already seen everything that there is to see, so it wouldn't be that bad to have it that way. It's interesting. So it's like, ooh, you're in Hawaii now and you can't experience it. It's like, yeah, well, I already have the fucking memory of it, so jokes on you. Right. What about going to Tokyo? Where?

I'd love to see everything. I'd love to see everything. I can't ever see a sunset in Tokyo again. Right. Not if you were blind. I can feel the heat, but it's just not enough. You can describe it to me. The memory of my lover is starting to fade with time, like an old photograph, and I'm afraid that I'll never get it back.

I poked a single hole and your whole entire world is deflating. I'm canceling. I'm absolutely canceling. All right. That's it. That's our time. If you want some more, if I were you, we should always say that you can get some more at our Patreon. Patreon.com.

That's correct. And we uploaded our first full length sample episode to our YouTube channel, youtube.com. If I were you show, it's me, you, Ben Schwartz, talking about Milkman part one and two. Great show. It's a good sample of what we're doing there with Jake and Amir. Watch Jake and Amir. Good example. The first time you can watch an entire episode to see if it's for you.

We got one with Thomas, with Ben. We got Jill, your wife, Avi Tal, my girlfriend. That episode is up right now. We went to New York, shot more with Streeter and the Rosies. Did the Rosies drop yet? No. None of the New York episodes are out yet. Nope, dude.

Those are fun ones. But we're adding stuff every week to Patreon.com. J.A. Check it out. Thanks for listening. Opening theme song. Once again was Matt Brooks. The closing one is by, ooh, let me search, let me search this guy's name.

Mike from Sweden, who did a yams remix. Oh, let's hear that shit. Thanks, Matt Brooks. Thanks, Mike from Sweden. Thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back next week, April 8th. Ta-da. Ta-da, and ciao for now.

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