If I Were You - 377: Shart and Dart (Live in DC!)

Episode Date: April 8, 2019

In this episode we discuss prom-posals, cheating zaddy's, and Amir's new musical.Recorded at the Black Cat in Washington DC!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Jake and Amir! Yeah! Wow, people are over there! Alright, alright! Wow, Washington, D.C. Who here has seen this live podcast before? Cool!

Yes, who's here for the first time? Wow, I thought I was going to get away with not telling my virginity story. I thought I was going to be too many, like, repeat customers, but no, that... Great, great, looking forward to the break. That's exciting, a lot of first timers. We could do anything we fucking wanted. It doesn't even have to be an advice podcast.

Well, Washington changed the premise of the podcast because they bought tickets and they're here, so... Oh, shit, alright. So it sounds like you've already changed the premise of the podcast. No, I wrote a play. I did write a play. So that it's not even a podcast? Yeah, not a podcast.

You didn't change the premise of the podcast, you changed the premise of the show. House lights go on? Oh my god. Finally, it's a flash mob. You guys can drink, right? Cheers, namaste. Cheers. It's Saturday night too, so exciting.

This is your drink. Of course, and vice versa. You can tell that we don't like what the other guy drinks, huh? I loved yours. Mine's... mine's matzo ball soup, though, that's why. That's how my play starts. Mine was matzo ball soup. He never seemed to care.

Come in. This play sounds awful. Yeah. It's a Jewish guy that gets a visitor? No. Every play I'm in is not a Jewish guy blank. Just because I'm Jewish. The protagonist was drinking matzo ball soup out of a cup.

Non-Jews love matzo ball soup, right? That was so, so tepid. And I know the person that said woo real quick was Jewish. Yeah. Keep us on track. No, we'll keep it. We'll keep it as it usually is, which is an advice podcast. It's actually the only advice podcast on the entire internet

that Jake and I host. Right. You guys have heard it before. Sometimes we're recorded by ourselves. Sometimes we're in a room with 500 of our closest friends. Tonight we're in Washington, frickin' D.C. Hopefully, hopefully you guys can help us. What's that?

He said nobama. So... Technically accurate, but I didn't appreciate it. He got the maximum time in office. He did good enough. Yeah. He did the most, so you don't get to brag about that. That he left after a lot of time.

That's just how the rules work. That was the max. Yeah. That loser won twice and then he bounced. All right. Maybe you guys can help us answer some of these questions that have been sent from real people. Crandis?

We did need a fake name, and actually... Crandis works. We can use Crandis. Crandis is back. They never left. And Crandis writes, Hi guys, I'm Crandis. I'm at my eight...

Sorry, at my 18th birthday party in a sushi restaurant with my family, friends, and the girl I like. I accidentally sharded. Who hasn't been there? Mortified, I ran to the bathroom, threw out my boxers, cleaned myself, and returned to the table.

Just in time to catch a hibachi piece of chicken. Who wants a shrimp? No, no, no, no, no. I'm dead, Leo. Oh, shit! I shouldn't have shellfish. Unfortunately, I was so rattled that my mom could tell something was wrong.

And the smell combined with her suspicion led me to admit the truth to everyone. I imagine that admitting the ridiculousness of it all head on might lessen some of the shame. Still, I fear this event will make things difficult with my lady interest. My lady interest also left early. How should I deal with this situation

so that I still have a chance with her? Thank you, love, Crandis. Give it up for Crandis. Wow. That's tough. Why did he come clean? Why did he invite the lady interest? Is that just a crush to a family dinner?

No, the friends were there. They were friends. Why did you invite the family? This is a weird gathering of people. My mother, my crush. Your crush, your mom, your dad. And his mom fucking grilled him so hard that he admit that he shit his pants at dinner.

Why, Crandis, that was seven minutes. It usually takes you five to shit, elbowing the lady interest. Let me see your little butt, Crandis. Turn around. In fact, I'll go check to see if his boxers are still in the bathroom. You might be 18,

but I've wiped you since you were a boy. I've wiped you for 14 of those 18. And I know a shart when I smell it. Hibachi chef making a rice heart beat. Faster and faster as he grows nervous. Like the telltale shart. A little volcano that starts spewing stuff up. Yeah, onion volcano.

Okay. Chocolate comes out. It's all too much, mother. Crush. All right, I started. Whoa, nobody was asking you that. Birthday cake comes out. Happy birthday.

Sorry. Lady interest, no. So I think he needs, at this point, you need a new friend group. You need a new crush. And arguably, you need a new family. Your mother can stay. What'd you say?

He said, mom, I'm sharding. Okay, that's good. Unsolicited advice. I think it's, yeah, it's unsolicited advice, themed adjacent, which is arguably less gross than the actual theme song, which is, mom, I'm coming. Coming, yeah.

Is sharding the scientific term, or is that just a known colloquialism? It's scientific. Well, that guy's not a scientist. He's just a drunk person at the show who yelled, Nobama, so... I wouldn't keep on turning to him for advice. He is holding a microscope.

And a stethoscope. Holy shit, it's Joe Biden. Sir. This is a big fucking deal indeed, sir. We appreciate your time. Whoa. Oh shit, you know what? This is programmed in for my play.

Yeah, the second scene takes place on an airplane. For you not to turn it off. Right, so I don't want to spend too much time on there, but there's a guy drinking matzo ball soup in a cup, knocking the door. So he's waiting at an airport bar, and the Jewish deli and the bar are sort of adjacent. He jokingly orders a matzo ball tonic,

and the cute bar tender lady. It's stupid when I explain it, but the cute bar tender lady actually goes out of her way to make it, so he starts to sip it, and he's like, it's not bad, my plane's taking off, and she's like... Frankly, I'm surprised there's a door in the scene. What?

Oh yeah, an airport, like where's the door? What airport have you been into that had a door? There's never a door. It's all open. Come in. We're not doing... That's him on the airplane. So he's in the bathroom on the airplane,

inviting someone else to come in. Just in case, it's like a mile-high club situation. And he's in there, I imagine, sharded. Yeah, he had sharded. Sharding out the matzo ball suit. Middle seat. Cool. All right, well, and that's act one?

No, we're not even close. All right, cool. Let's move on from that. What do you think this guy should do now that he's sharded himself at a sushi restaurant in one of his crushes? Oh yeah, we turned it into a hibachi restaurant, but that's not necessarily the case. Yeah, but sometimes, in my hometown,

they're sort of like a mix. Yeah, they just... Every Asian culture, they sort of smashed into one strip mall, and they're like, all of that is here. Called it a day. Yeah, you get Chinese sushi. Meet sushi, meet hibachi. Right, and it all used to be an IHOP.

Yeah. And you're just sharding willy-nilly. I don't know if you can come back from that, but like you said, new friend, new lady interest, same family, let's run it back next year. Avoid the raw fish situation. Yeah, 19, we do it big. Yeah.

No one shards. Smash cut to a Chipotle. New crush. Guy afraid to eat anything. Guac is still extra. And that's when the intermission hits. So it's a blackout, we're in the Chipotle, nervous. Wait, this is your play?

Oh yeah, sorry, what were you asking me about? I'm just surprised that we went from an airplane bathroom to a Chipotle. Yeah. It feels like this entire thing is kind of centered around food in a not that intelligent way. I was hungry when I wrote it for sure. It's all wish fulfillment.

This person will rebound. Don't worry, Crandis, things get better. You're 18 by 19 known. We'll remember that you're the little dude that sharded himself next to his crush and his mommy at his 18th birthday party. I'll take the opposite stance. This is the worst it will ever be,

and it won't get better. Your nickname from now on is little shark boy at school. Let's see what happens. Follow up pup. Let's hear from Crandis. All right, next question. Shall we? We need another guy's name.

Frankle. Frankle. Frankle. Frankle. Frankle? Frankle. Great. I'm glad that you got that out.

You were yelling it over and over again. And it'd just be kind of weird to have gone to the show and screamed Frankle and have nothing come of it, you know? If you had gone home and you were in someone's like I was the show. I was pretty good. But I yelled Frankle incessantly, and I was never recognized for the effort.

So, Frankel. Good on you. Frankel writes. Fuck it, let's choose another name. All right, Gene. Edit that part out entirely. No, Frankel, we're already got this far. I have a conundrum of my own.

My girlfriend of three years has recently been texting her ex from high school six years ago, who is still part of her friend group. No big deal. About a month later, she decides to go out of town at her friend's lake house for the weekend. I got this weird feeling that he may be part of the trip since he has been around the plane just landed in my play.

That's why I just... So, he was in the bathroom the whole time? Well, no spoilers, but yes. He fainted. Okay, so spoilers. About a month later, she decided to go to a friend's lake house. I got this weird feeling that he may be part of the trip since he has been around the group more often lately.

When I asked her who was coming, going, the ex was not included. After the trip, I asked her who all was there, and he still was not included. I had a weird feeling about it still and decided to look at her phone. Dick move, I know. When I looked through her messages,

not only had she been deleting messages with him sketchy, but I also found out that he did, in fact, go to the lake house and he even wrote up with her. I also found a selfie of them spooning. Oh. Now, I'm confident she would never cheat on me. What's more traumatizing, sharding in front of your mom or hearing you say,

I'm confident my girlfriend never cheated on me and hearing 500 people laughing your face? He's just on a bus, listen to this stuff. They chose my question. I can't wait until everyone applauds when I say I'm confident she would never cheat on me. You want to listen with me, babe? What about you, babe's current boyfriend?

But lying about something like this is a big deal to me, which I made clear in the past. Is it worth to admit that I snooped and busted her or should I let it go? I need to find the evidence in a casual fashion. I did notice that his name in her phone is Zaddy LOL. So maybe there's something there. Any advice as to how to handle would be great.

Tota, love Frankel. Let's give it up for Frankel. So I do respect the confidence. You really, really trust this woman. She is fucking Zaddy. But the photo is just them spooning. There was an afterglow tint to it. It could have been a post-coital cuddle sesh.

When do you do something in the casual fashion? Like saying the casual fashion makes it so not casual, right? You'd have to get a situation where the phone is faced up next to you and then it's like, oh, who's Zaddy LOL? Why'd you jump? I mean, I know you'd never cheat on me, babe. I'm just going to undo your phone in the casual fashion. You changed your password.

Sweet thing. Why are the iMessages blocked until you log in? Give me your face. Turn to me, lover. It's hard to admit. It's like being a real detective. You can't get the evidence illegally. That's the hardest part about being the police chief.

That's interesting. But you need a warrant to get the phone. I don't know if that's the hardest part about being police chief. I feel like if you're a career cop and you rise to be a chief, you understand the warrant part. Yeah. Okay, so the hardest part is saying goodbye to your wife and kids every morning.

And not knowing if you're going to make it home at the end of the day or something. Yeah. The second hardest part is to do things casual style. The casual fashion. Well, here's an idea. So since she is fucking this guy, everyone can agree on that, correct? By round of applause, she's fucking him.

Great. Guy listening. Bus driver, will you... Will you hear the bus off a clip, actually? This is my stop. This is going to kill anyone on the bus jumping out. But I just think that since she's lying to him, he can lie to her and just be like,

I want to break up because I'm dating someone super hot. Someone... I fell in love with somebody else. And then she starts cracking up. I guess if you're going to end it, you can end it in the illegal fashion, which is like, I stole your phone. I snooped on your phone.

Bad on me. You were spouting your ex. Yeah. So worse on you. Yeah. But I don't know. Then... I don't know, you're a snooper.

Yeah, but then she can always hit you with that, well, you shouldn't have done that. Yeah. I guess when that happens, it's really just a stalemate. And you're like, well, this is over. So it doesn't matter who's right or wrong. Yeah.

But you don't want to end it kind of a loser in that regard. Because you're already kind of a loser because you found the spooning of somebody else's photos. The Sadie LOL. This is so sad to me. How does he spoon her now? You can't... Oh, okay.

So let's lead into the sadness. So next time, as she's falling asleep, he spoons her and he's like, let's take a selfie. You could get some grilling tips from that sushi kid's mom. Yeah. You know, like, how did she interrogate her son so hard that he told his crush that he sharded? Well...

Like, what does this guy need to do? That guy just needs to smell shit, I guess, because that's what the mom did. She was a hound dog for it. Or you change your name in her phone to Sadie LOL. Sadie LMAO. Oh, that's good. Sadie too.

Too old to Sadie. Yeah, the saddening. Casual Sadie. Electric Zadaloo. You're ruined. Financially and emotionally, that much is clear. I really want to... No, I want to give him positive advice,

but it's really hard. At the very least, he didn't cheat on anyone, so he's not a bad person. Yeah, that's true. Okay, yeah, let's follow that thread. What else? Kill yourself? I don't know.

Yeah, you can be single. Being single is way more fun than having a girlfriend who's at the very least spooning her ex secretly, which is bad. Even if she's not fucking him, I feel like elicit spooning selfie is grounds for termination. Okay, so let me ask you this.

How do you break up with someone if you're not supposed to know the reason? You tell them that you're really sick. That's good. Like a head cold or... No, they wish it was a head cold. Stomach bug? Worse.

Tendonitis? Yes. So that's fine. It's just a little joint pain. We can go to physical therapy together. No, my tendonitis is so bad that I'm going to die. So you don't know what you have then.

My father's a surgeon. It really should be terminal. The disease has to be terminal. You have to... I feel like you have to, like, address another one. Because what if you are wrong? What if the picture's old? What if the Zaddy is new?

What if somebody's trolling her? You can't just not address it. I think you cannot address it. Bye forever. You know why. Ooh, what about a good old fashioned, you know why. Ooh. Yeah, they love it.

And then she's like, it's because I fucked my teacher, isn't it? Shart. It's that too. All right. You know why. Nailed it. We got there eventually.

All right. Did we get a girl's name? No. I want one from back there. Sheila. Sheila? Sheila. Sheila.

Sheila. I heard of Sheila, right? All right. Sheila writes, Hey guys, love the show. I've been a religious fan of y'all since day one. Here's my situation. I've been dating a boy for a few months.

It's pretty decent, I guess. I really do like him. Sounds awesome. But about three months ago, he told me that he really wants me to go on birth control because condom slash pulling out makes sex suck for him. I agreed to go on it anyway because I think it's important that I'm responsible

for my reproductive health even if he isn't willing to be slash care for me. I've been on it for exactly two and a half months now and this is where it gets bad. Now that I'm on it, I have been having some side effects. For example, I cannot stand the smell of sex. After we have sex,

I have to hold my breath and pray that I don't vomit because it's so overwhelming. My thought was immediately after, I could take a shower to avoid it so I don't have the scent on me slash can let the room air out a bit. But my boyfriend insists that I stay and cuddle with him going so far as to call me a bitch

if I try to not do that and accusing me of not loving him. So my question is this. Is it a bit absurd of him to tell me to go on birth control which I did and then not allow me to address the negative implications of taking birth control? Or am I being a really bad girlfriend here?

Okay, okay, let's hear the guy out. Jeff! All right, no, I'll take the guy's position here. All right, that's cool. Yeah, no, I think I have a lot of the audience on my side. So, wait, is smelling sensitivity a common thing? Some ladies do experience that. Guys shouldn't yell, they don't know.

Trust me, I'm taking them all. My woman's never smelled sex before. I know it. I have an IUD. It is funny that he's saying stuff like bitch and take birth control but he also really needs to cuddle. That's like kind of a sweet bully. Cuddle me you bitch is the neediest meanest sentence.

Don't be such a bitch and hold me. Tell me I'm worth a damn you whore. Damn bitch. I'm scared to be alone. My self-worth is really tied to your validation, cunt. Oh man, yeah, that was a risky one. But we are making fun of an asshole. So it's fine that he said it.

No, she should not absolutely break up with the guy, obviously. Yeah, that's a natural, that's a bad move. A bad move followed by a worse move. Do you think that you know why applies here at all? You know what? He says why are you breaking up and she says you know why. Oh yeah, that's good. And he'll be like, I actually don't, you're hurting my feelings, you slut.

I don't want to walk through life without a partner whore. I just feel shitty that my property is leaving me. I can't believe anything like this could happen to Zaddy. Is it something I said, bitch? Tell me if it's something I said you were. Dump that guy. Dump that guy. Dump that guy.

Man, maybe a fun way to do it would be to play the chanting part of the show. Yeah, so you should play this episode on a road trip. And as the chanting begins, you sort of do that jumping out of the moving car thing. Oh, wow! Right onto a truck tire. Oh, it's worth it. This guy is that bad. All right, let's take a break. We'll get a round of applause. At home you'll hear some ads, but we'll talk to you.

These fine people for a little bit. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is, yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech-savvy family member that you need a gift for soon,

these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah, for me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents.

So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're a great, really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame.

We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that,

or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh, my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura.

Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. And upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny.

Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah.

It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the Perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames. That's A-U-R-A Frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is.

Oh, wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames A-U-R-A Frames.com. Okay. Go get your parents something.

All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation

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Actually, Dave Rosenberg, can you get me a whiskey at the barbud? I don't know where you're at, but can you make that happen? Thank you. And a vodka red bull if possible. Now you know I didn't like a mirror's drink before. Oh, that's real immature of you. And just a matzo ball soup if you can. Oh yeah, should we break into act two of your play?

You know what? It's usually like this flash mom thing where I'm emerging from the crowd soaking wet in like this proprietary paste slash Vaseline thing because it's like a being a reborn because the first act ends with my mother in utero. And it's sort of a way of like combining every generation of the bloom and fall, which is my pseudonym in the play's family that I feel like it wouldn't make sense to do it right now. I don't think it makes sense in context.

You go from an airport bar to an airplane to a Chipotle to your mother's womb, and then you emerge naked from the crowd covered in Vaseline. Yeah, which makes sense if you have to be in the black box theater that I'm envisioning. Is it a musical? I forgot to ask. It's a sussical. What does that mean? It's like a Dr. Seuss themed musical.

So it's sort of like, okay, so it is a musical. It's a sussical. You can't read it because it's not written. Can I hear a song? Can I hear a song from the sussical? It doesn't have to be. Oh, yeah, thank you. Yeah, thank you very much.

Appreciate it. Whoa, look at the size of this thing. That's a heavy pour. I guess Dave let us down, but thank you. This is a pint glass of the shit. That's dangerous. If I drink this, I'll die tonight. Chuck, Chuck, Chuck, Chuck, Chuck, Chuck, Chuck.

No, let's hear your sussical. So you emerge covered in Vaseline act two. Your mother has just reborn the newest Blumenthal. Yeah. And you're walking through the crowd. Yeah, and I emerge sort of from the crowd and it's like, you know, because it's hard because I haven't warmed up. So usually I have a vocal coach on set and he sort of trains me and he throws me.

We're not like doing the whole place. I don't think anybody's going to judge you if it's a little raw. All right, all right, all right. That's totally fine. All right. I feel like I don't want to like, I don't want to like start it and stop it. And like, do we have an hour and a half to like, we don't have an hour and a half. We obviously don't have an hour and a half.

Yeah, but I'll do like a small, a small little snippet. Yeah, why don't you just do like a couple of bars from the song? A couple of bars. All right. How many bars is a couple bars? I just do like two stanzas. Two stanzas. Not two minutes.

Okay. Two stanzas or something. Of the song. All right. So I emerge from the ooze. I don't know. Sorry. Don't interrupt me.

Now it's my fault. I feel like I'm going to start talking and you're going to interrupt me. All right. Ready? Two stanzas. Which is weird because I didn't write it in a... I'm not interrupting you, but I feel like you're not... One second.

I don't want to... I was not talking that time. Two minutes of prelap silence and then... We're not going to give you that. Just sing. Just sing. Because a lot of it is like spoken words, sing adjacent. Do you know what slant rhymes are?

I feel like it would be a waste. Whatever it is, just go. Fart. The earth explodes a gassy mist. From the Jew emerges a lisp. At this point, the entire crowd is blasted with foam, which we don't have. And then, if you want to hear the actual song-song part... Are you okay?

Oh man, I hate it. The rest of it is just the Beatles' white album, played in full. Close your eyes and I'll kiss you tonight. You know how it goes. You spray the crowd with foam. Oh yeah, let's just try to finish the show, man. We need another guy's name. I think I heard the name Derone.

Derone? Did I hear somebody yell Derone? Alright, sick, your father's name. My father writes, cheers. So I met this busty chick from OK Cupid a few weeks ago. We messaged a little bit one night and I came over and we hooked up. When I went to her place, I realized that her room is a fucking pigsty. Shit everywhere, papers and dirty clothes thrown about as well as a litter box for her fucking cat.

I didn't really give a shit because I'm just here to hook up with her, right? So we keep this up for about a week until I realize I've had some bug bites on my feet. And I thought, well, this is strange and I kept hooking up with her for another week or two. I got more bites ensued. I started suspecting that maybe this girl has bed bugs or fleas or something because her place is the only place I've been spending the night at. And one night I swear to God, I saw a fucking flea on my knee and I realized that this bitch actually has fleas.

As I type this, I have 30 bite marks all over my body. Maybe this can lead to a medical infection or a disease or some shit because they're uncomfortable as fuck and make me look like I got the goddamn bubonic plague. Here's my dilemma. We already know. You should write that in the beginning. Also, we haven't banged in a while and I've just been hanging out with the occasional kissing and she says she loves me.

I haven't even shown her to my friends and don't necessarily want to date her. What do I do? Sorry, they've been banging for two weeks, but it sounds like the last week they're just hanging out in the flea-infested bed and she's saying, I love you to you. Yeah, I love you all like buzzes, fleas and the biting and the bed bugs. What'd you say? Sorry, it smells like shit in here.

I can't quite hear you. He attached photos of his bug bites, which did indeed look like little red bug bites. Yeah, he's covered in bug bites. This is a real question. Have you ever dealt with a messy lady before? You're very strictly clean. I am a little bit of a neat freak. There was one time where I stayed at someone's place and they had like a dog and a cat and the dog kept on kind of like climbing into the bed and it was a little gross, but I never woke up with flea bites. That feels like a lot.

Yeah, I went sucked up with a girl who, it's not really the same, but she was a bat. Right, so it's not the same because this guy is just hooking up with somebody that's a little messy and it sounds like you may be fucked an animal. I didn't say we went all the way. Sorry, so you... I tried to hook up with a bat. Tried? Yeah, well I was at a bar, I had one of these pints

and I was under a bridge. So were you at a bar or were you under a bridge? So I walked out of the bar and I was kicked out. Okay, so don't say you were at a bar like this story. Like it's the bat being in the wrong place at the wrong time. It was entirely on you. Yeah, it was like a lot of things that night. It was like the bats kind of looked like a chick that was hot

and then I leaned into kiss... In what way does a bat look like a chick that's hot? I leaned into kiss the bat. Wait a minute, go back, because a bat is a small little flying rat. It was like... Do you guys know what I'm talking about? No one. Like a bunch of bats in a clump look like kind of this thick chick.

And then, so like my glasses were all... I basically got my ass handed to me at a clurb and I... I didn't realize that you had gotten your ass beaten before. Oh yes, so you had a... So your night within an inch of my life and then I stumbled home because no lift would grab me because I was... I thought you went under a bridge. You went home first? No, I tried to walk home and I passed by this...

What's it called when you drive over a river? You already called it a bridge. Yes, a bridge. You called it a bridge. A cluster. What's it called when it's bats? Why are you forgetting the words? It's bats. Yeah, but like, you know, it's a murder of crows. What's that for bats?

A smore of blats. And I swear to... I don't even believe in God, but on my mother's grave one of them legit did this to me. Like, Beckin, do you come here? No, like, fingered my butt. Oh. And so I leaned in for the kiss, which I would never do on a first date.

Right, but you'd already been fingered. Yes. So like, ooh, you're gonna have to buy me dinner first. I lean in and then... Right. So you... You were attacked by... You were attacked by bats.

Yes, I was attacked by bats. You ruin every show trying to, like, get to the bottom of shit. I'm telling you what happened. You forgot the word bridge. I have to pull all these details out of you. Anyway. Okay.

I had rabies for a year. You were there, you remember. So what should this guy do? Oh, yeah, well, I guess he doesn't want to see this girl anymore. It seems like two birds, one stone. And his problem pales in comparison to yours. The... The STPs.

You got rabies. Looking up with bats. All we talked about for the last five minutes was just bats. I move on to, like, the next thing so quickly. I thought you were talking about getting funding for my fucking musical. Which is not a concern. Like, I just opened to 500 eager customers who were kind of literally begging me for more.

Really? I think so. So, you want to do more of your musical? No, I don't need to do more. I mean, if they want to hear more, I'll do a little bit more. I guess I have a... So, can we do... What would you say? The opening number?

Or the cloak? Like, what... Yeah, what's... One and the same. They are one and the same. One and the same. I don't understand. Is that fucking... Are you singing here? No, it's very temperate. Everything's fine. You have rabies still.

Yeah, I was supposed to take, like, 12 pills today, the size of a Twinkie, and I wasn't able to... All right. Okay. What did you say you wanted? I wanted anything. You offered to sing to everybody. Yeah.

And they sort of... They gave you that out of boy. They said you can do it. And then you talked about how you had a sword nest. And then you instantly forgot that you had promised to sing in front of 400 people. Yeah. 500, yeah.

All right. It's very self-aggrandizing. So, what did you say you wanted? I don't... I want... My guitar back there? I don't think I brought it. You didn't. If you have a song that is the opening and closing number of your play...

It's an overture, so it's just musical. I need my guitar, my recorder. So, if you needed two instruments that you knew you didn't bring, you shouldn't have said that you were going to do it for everybody. Okay, all right. Let's save the notes to the end of the show. Steve Spielberg over here. Here's how you kill two birds with one stone if you're...

What's this guy's name again? Daron. Yeah, Daron. Your father. He doesn't want to be with her anymore. Right. She says she's in love. She's obviously a fly. So, what you do... And you would know because you have hooked up with a flying insect yourself.

Either smash her if she's a fly, or if she's a regular person, a pretty person, you say, I'd love to be with you, but I'm very OCD about my being neat and you live in a fucking pig pen. So, I don't think this is going to work out. That's... I guess. I mean, that's definitely... That's one mean way to do it.

You could invite her to your place as long as she doesn't show up and bring the fleas. So, you, like, meticulously clean your apartment. You invite her over and you're like, look at how nice life can be. Spiderwebs everywhere. She's probably getting freaked out because she's a fly. You're obsessed...

This is like a fireside comic. I feel like you just, like, glossed over. You misread the question. She's not a fly. She's not a fly. She was supposed to clean, right? Yeah, exactly. Which I think you brought up. That she was a fly?

Did you not? I've barely spoken because most of our stage time, you've been singing a weird play and talking about how you were molested by bats. All right. Okay. What would you do, Sherlock? I said I'd clean my apartment and just...

You know what? Fuck it. I guess swatter, because maybe she is a fly. We can all agree on a swatting. We have one last question if you guys are okay. This one's about something I'm not completely familiar with. It's about... I'm sorry. No, I know you fucked it back. I apologize. I forget.

I didn't. We got to third base. All right. One... Third base. Guy who got the poster, we need a guy's name. You know you didn't get the poster, Dankel. Jeff. Jeff.

In honor of the guy that printed all the posters. Jeffrey Rosenberg writes, Prom time is approaching and I'm quite excited to celebrate the culmination of my high school career. You didn't do anything, man. Although I had a great time last year, there was a slight problem. When the time came to ask for prom dates,

I simply asked my date if she wanted to go with me. And of course I did so with enthusiasm and a smile. She was both surprised and elated. And we ended up having a great time at prom. Jesus, what could the butt be? However, my friends and hers were not satisfied with my prom proposal and proceeded to tease me for being trite and boring. I don't plan on making the same mistake this year.

And I was wondering if you guys had any cuter coy suggestions on how I should prom pose. Also, how did you guys ask your dates when you were in high school? Thanks, homies. Y'all are the best. Love, Jeff. Jeff Rosenberg. Thank you, Jeff. I didn't even have prom posals at my school.

I don't know if it's a newer thing or a private school thing or what. We also did not have promposal. So who here was promposed to? Who here at such a good promposal, we can ask you about it because we're very confused. Oh, you're pointing to someone who doesn't want to talk about their promposal. So that's definitely who we have to talk to. Who here was either promposed?

You did an epic promposal that you're now mortified by. Is that what happened? Okay. What was your promposal? You filled her room at home with balloons. So it's sort of like a prank. Like it's after she said yes, she had to pop 300 balloons. What?

You were in the balloons. You were in a giant balloon. You cut your fingers up and put them in little balloons. Was it a helium balloon situation or like balloons on the ground? What are you gonna do with me? Sounds like Dave doing Jeff sucking on a helium from the balloon. That's pretty good. That's pretty good filling up a room with balloons.

Can anybody beat that in terms of being promposed? What's that? Okay. Let's come on on stage. Wow. Yeah. Bold. I wonder if this is the promposal that happened to her or if it's just her idea for one.

Either way, it's gonna be a great time. Yeah. I mean, we won't know until we're done. Great job. Hello, I'm Amir. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Hi, Jake.

Nice to meet you. Cheers. What is your name? My name is Aaron. Okay, Aaron. Were you promposed to in a specific way or did this just happen at your school? So this is my brother's promposal. Okay.

So this is your brother's promposal? Okay. So this is your brother was promposed to? No. This was what my brother asked his girlfriend to prom. The basic story is he just made a big old poster and he was gonna climb up on top of the roof of the school and hang this bed sheet that he had painted saying like, Shannon, will you go to prom with me on the bed sheet?

My brother decided to climb on top of the school, which you're obviously not allowed to do. Oh, and I see your brother back there. Going into the tubes in a wheelchair. But I know, fucked up. My brother has a air for the dramatic. So he decided that he should disguise himself when he did this. And he wrapped a t-shirt around his head like a balaclava.

I'm from here. You don't climb up on top of a school in DC with a balaclava on your head. And he has also rolled the poster up into a long tube like thing. And of course he shouted death to all because he's like, my haters can suck my D. This is the best proposal of all time. So my brother is on top of a school with a long tube and a balaclava and the janitors are like, excuse me, absolutely not. And they called the police and helicopters came.

This proposal is getting cooler and cooler. Molly, will you go on a date with him? Flowers. I'd also like to add that my brother was the valedictorian of his graduating class. So the rest of his class was really dumb. And my brother, after all of this, he tries to climb off the roof. And he sees police and janitors and the principal of the school. And he's like, I don't know what I did.

And they're like, well, we can call your mom or you can do two weeks of community service. And he's like, I will take the community service. Thank you so much. Do not tell my mom. Tell her I'm just volunteering for fun. Under no circumstances tell my mom. And she said yes. That's a very good story.

Great job. One more time for, do you remember her name? Aaron. Proposals are hard. Yeah, it's scary and nervous. I wouldn't want to ask somebody out in public. That sounds terrifying. I hate that that's the new norm.

Thank God I'm not 18 anymore. If I ask a girl to prom, which I've been thinking about doing, but not necessarily committing to. I wouldn't. There's a check in a mirror where you ask someone to prom. It's called prom, right? You play a, I mean, you're a 30 year old and you're going to prom in this video. Hoping that everyone pours milk on a popular girl and chance at moo cow moo. Yeah.

So there's that. Would you have the wave host to prom pose if you were 17 years old? No, back when I was going to, I mean prom for me was all about just like making sure I didn't go alone. So like there wasn't like a, like a big, I asked somebody, it's sort of just like a, like a pact. Like going to prom together is more of just being like, do you want to not go alone together? Yeah. So that's what I did. It also seems like it would mortify the recipient of the question as well.

Cause it's like a public display of affection towards someone who's sort of on the fence about whether or not they even want to go to prom with you. Right. You're on a flagpole with a, what appears to be an AR 15, but it's actually just a sign. Shoot, I'm in love with you, Carol. I bet I can search funny epic promposal fails on YouTube. Oh, there's gotta be a compilation. The guy who went to unfurl the banner and like sort of fell and was dangling. The girl says no.

So cute promposal suggestion, God. I think the junior year sounds like it was really great. You did it in a friendly way, had a, had a nice time. And what happened? He was teased. The worst thing to happen to a high schooler. That college senior gets it. Yeah.

The incoming freshman gets it. Private promposal. I should have thought of this beforehand. Private promposal? Yeah. What's a good promposal that's sort of private? The sharding is not a bad idea. You invite a girl to a sushi restaurant, right?

I feel like you're running with the sharding and I wouldn't. Is there like adhesive that only sticks to shit wherein he knew that so quickly? Another scientist? And then you can just shard and it, the text appears kind of like the printer idea. Oh, that's fun. Sort of like a magic trick, but like a magic shit. Yeah. So you like, so you go on, you, you fart onto a big poster.

Your parents are there. Your parents, your friends. They have to be there. And then your lady crush. Yeah. Your parents, your friends, your lady crush. And you fart onto a poster and it says prom question mark. Yeah.

It's like this green cloud and it was like. And the message appears kind of like black magic or brown magic in this case. Right, you will. And then it says Cheryl. I assume this girl's name is Cheryl. Will you be my prom date? I feel like that's too much text for it all to come out of his ass, don't you think? It'll be like a couple pumps and then you sort of shake the poster to develop the film.

Oh, so you're like squeezing it like it's a toothpaste tube or something. Yeah, exactly. Just like squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt. I wonder if you can just like just shit onto a piece of paper and give it to her and be like, you know what this means. Like she, it doesn't have to say Cheryl will you go to prom. It can just be like a smear of shit and you'd be like, she'll get it. You get the idea.

Like I obviously like you. Oh my God. Yes. Thank you everybody. That was a hate gun podcast.