If I Were You - 379: Golden Mic

Episode Date: April 22, 2019

In this episode we discuss blurry vision, self-defense, and Jake's newest creation: General Cleanliness.Support the Golden Mic Winner (Jake) by purchasing his very own shirt.https://store.headgum.com/collections/apparel/products/general-cleanliness-teeSee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Damn Daniel, what do you think about that one? That made me feel cool and sexy as I was listening to it. You know that was actually Lil Uzi Vert? No chance. Yeah, no chance. You're right. We saw him.

Remember when we saw Lil Uzi Vert? At that weird Adidas pop-up at the row? I don't remember that that was Lil Uzi Vert. He had seemed so grown up. Yeah, he was big Uzi Vert that night. Damn, Uzi Vert. He'd come along all the way. Uzi, you're so big now.

Uzi, you're a regular size Uzi. When I saw him, I thought it was a medium Uzi Vert. I thought he was a Coozie. That one who wrote this theme song's name is Michael. He's been listening, watching our stuff since the college humor days. He wrote us a Lil Uzi Vert. Oh, wonders the way it goes beat hope we like it. We did like it.

And if we liked it a lot, we can shout out his Spotify or Apple music. He goes by the artist's name, Bukuhana, and the song's called Something to You. It only has 550 listens so far and was hoping to get over a thousand so I can get rid of that depressing under a thousand thing on Spotify. Yeah, yeah. Let's double that. Let's double his listens so he gets that like the K next to the name. Is that what it is?

I've never heard, I've never seen like songs on Spotify that have that little under a thousand. Is it like the opposite of a badge? I don't know. Oh, I guess I'm thinking of SoundCloud. I don't know what it looks like on Spotify. Yeah, anyway, that's what it is. It's called, it's Bukuhana and the song's called Something to You. Right.

So there we have it. Right. He goes by the name MJ Collegate or Michael. So thanks, Michael. Colgate? Colgate. I'll go Colgate. Yeah.

Collegiate was way wrong. That makes sense. He is Collegiate though. Yeah, he is Collegiate but that's unrelated to his name. This is the first podcast where we're recording post-mylasic surgery. Oh yeah, are you wearing, you're not wearing glasses right now. Today's the first day I'm trying to wear non-prescription glasses. Oh, wow.

Describe them to me. Where did you get them? I got them from Warby Parker actually. Shout out to one of our sponsors. No shit. It was actually a funny story. I went glasses shopping with my parents and my mom told the lady working at Warby Parker that I do Warby Parker ads on my podcast and then I was kind of embarrassed because that

lady had not heard of our podcast. But then somebody else at Warby Parker's like, wait, are you a mirror? And I said, yes. And my mom was like, see, everyone knows his podcast and that lady used her friends and family discount on me. Wow. So your mom embarrassing you saved you cash. Yeah.

And what happened there is that my mom clocked that and was like, okay, it doesn't matter if I embarrass anyone anymore. It ended up working. And so for the next however long now I have carte blanche green light access to embarrass to save cash. She learned no lesson. In fact, you learned a lesson. Your mom will always embarrass you.

And now she's going to double down anytime you guys go to like dinner. She's like, I think we might be able to get a friends and family here. He has a podcast yelling at a chef in a kitchen. Hey everyone, my jackass son has a fucking podcast. What do you mean? You don't listen. A bucket. Just holding a bus driver's steering wheel until he pays attention to me.

Amir, tell him that the fucking podcast is called Jesus Christ that only cost a dollar 10. Why do we need a discount on that mommy? No. I no longer want to ride the public transportation with you. Anyway, as it stands, I bought three glasses at Warby Parker going to try them out. But I will say that today's the first day where my eyes are feeling almost like I actually have glasses baked into them.

It's been a slower recovery process than you let on. Oh, interesting. Well, maybe you just didn't have eyes as strong as Zaddy. Well, what it is is like the worse your vision is, the more they correct it, the longer it takes to heal. So yours was like a very subtle, small prescription change? Right. It really was like the next day I was fine.

Right. Did you have dryness residual dryness in the morning? No, it really was like, it was, I guess it felt like maybe a tiny, tiny bit like blurry or like a light leak sort of happening, but it felt there was no dryness. Did you have do you have halos or yeah, nasal burning? A lot of nasal burning. Did you have where your sinuses burnt or where it was like you wake up? You had choking.

You had corneal rosacea, I think, right? Yeah. So I broke out in some sort of ocular hive where the rash. You had a receding pupil on the day. So my pupil had a little leak and it sort of leaked out onto my eyelid. So it was like a black little, a dark black stain trickling down, almost like mascara running. Like you were crying soy.

Yes. You looked like you were crying soy. I was beefing soy and then the way it worked is that the tears would flow up. I don't know if it was like an anti-gravity post-lasic, whatever the fuck, but the black like tar would leak up. It was almost like a horror film every night. Yeah. Well, because you had vertigo, you were upside down.

Yeah. So I sleep upside down and inside out. I had vertigo, right? That's what that was correct. I had that ocular rosacea and I had that pupillary leakage. And so for the last, let's see, I got the, I got the, I got the lasso con April 1st, it's the 17th now. Today's the first day where I can smell, hear or talk.

That's awesome. I'm really, and you're wearing the, you're wearing the glasses and. Yeah. Warbeez. Nice. Yeah. They're called the Lucy. The Lucy.

Yeah. Because that's, that's how your eyes feel in your head. Yeah. I saw, I saw on Instagram, you lost one for a, for a moment. Yeah. I lost, I lost one ball. I've been popping out. I lost one ball entirely.

And then the other one feels, it feels small and sort of like, it's jingling around. It's like jingling, it's like a gun ball in a, a single gun ball and a gun ball machine almost. You have one putty eye, don't you? They lost one and they, they made you sort of like a claymation eye because you didn't want the glass one. You couldn't afford the glass eye. Yeah.

And he sort of, he took the putty out and he like rolled it on the Sunday funnies and then he put it back in. So like where one eye is, there's nothing. And then the other one looks like a spherical, like a Dilbert comic. That's really funny. Yeah. You sound, it sounds like you like are hot now. I forgot how to talk.

I had forgotten how to talk basically. So I'm relearning English. Yeah. I had a voicemail from you and you were, you were screaming. I thought it was Hebrew, but maybe it was just, I think it was Latin because I was sort of the way the Lasik worked is that it like brought me to a point where I was de-aging. So like I felt like I was living in like 300 CE for like a week and a half, but it felt like eternity.

And your followup was, it was, they, they gave you like the little eye exam and then also the doctor did an exorcism. Yeah. He pulled, he pulled the demons from your, from your brain. Yeah. He was able to like shove a crucifix so close to my brain that like a lot of the demons came out, but some of them were just so frightened by it that they, they've now like recessed even deeper into my corneal like ridge.

Cause I saw, I saw on Afital's Instagram story in the middle of the night, you were crawling on the ceiling and you turned and you hissed at her, but your eyes were just two black holes. Yeah. Yes. Deep as a well. Yeah. You had veins on my face.

Right? Yeah. I mean, I couldn't even see your face. It was mostly veins and eye sockets. Uh-huh. And again, you were on the ceiling. You had eaten your dog. Yeah.

You ate Luke, right? Yeah. I consumed him because the, the Satan in my head that had controlled me post-lasic told me to do so. And it felt as though his word was God and that I was doing his bidding. Right. But now it's nice cause you don't have to, you don't have to like put glasses on in the morning.

You can kind of just go and pee. Yeah. So today I woke up and I was like, oh my God, like this is the first time where like I can read like the clock in my room and I don't have to like squint or anything. So that like felt really nice. And I was able to like. Oh yeah. And I was able to like buy non-prescription sunglasses, which is like a cool little neat

thing as well. That's very nice. So like, even though my recovery was a little slow, I'm, I'm happy that I have done it. And I'm, I'm excited to get to this point. Cause a lot of people say it takes, you know, two to four to six, sometimes three months to recover fully from Lasik. Wow. Yeah.

That's crazy. So you didn't have like halos or anything? I had. Did you have any like, when you drive at night, it was like a little halo effect? No, my side effects didn't sound like they were as severe as yours with the, uh, the demons, the demon possession and the dog eating. I did have, I did have some like kind of light haloing during the day and some light sensitivity, but it, it only lasted for a day or two.

Yeah. I feared the halos because they remind me of the angels that were coming to get me. I felt like for whatever reason, I was like the spawn of Satan and some sort of. Sort of bizarre way after the Lasik and that those halos like represented another angel trying to save my life. Well you are the spawn of Satan. Huh? Yeah.

We're not recording a podcast. The devil is back, eat your dog. If you play that part backwards, that's what it says, um, but I look forward to keeping everyone updated abreast and, uh, yeah, I don't know, I don't know how I'm going to treat glasses yet, but, um, we'll find out together. Mm-hmm. Uh, but what is this? After all, this is an advice show.

It's If I Were You, the only frickin' advice podcast hosted by two men with perfect vision, neither of them the devil. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. And we got some good cues today. Your brother's going through helping us out, trying to find out the greatest questions we have. Uh, that's right.

Mike is on the case. Has he, has he let you know that this is a fun job for him? Is this an annoying job? Is he into it? Is he fast? He, I think he's good. He, I like, I hadn't been paying attention, but I looked at our like, uh, good questions tab and he's has, there's 300 in there.

Damn. Yeah. Damn Daniel. So he's fuckin', he's fuckin' doin' it. Yeah, but I look and they're all spam. Right. Well he's, he's sort of just, uh, he, he's pulling the wool over our eyes. He's just invoicing us for hours and hours and hours.

Yeah. He thinks this is a good question. Uh, Pier 1, 10% off Father's Day sale from 2016. Let's talk about it. No, I don't want to talk about it. Right. Let's talk about it. That's not a good question.

That's not a good question. I'll come up with a name for a Pier 1 guy. So this one has a, oh, let's call him Pierre. This one has a receipt from the Goat app. He bought Yeezy's using our credit card. He put that into good questions, kind of like as a, a fuck you, I think to me. As a fuck you. Yeah.

Okay. He has us bent over a fuckin' table, hand over fist, stealing cash from us and he's leaving. I got a, I just got an alert on my phone from, from our bank. Did you buy tickets? No. No, I didn't buy anything. Uh, Tulum?

No, I didn't buy tickets to anywhere. You didn't buy tickets to Tulum? That must be Micah. So I think, I don't know if I bought him, but I think somebody, okay, I'm not trying to, I don't want to cover for him too much. You are covering for him. You're standing up for him. I think one of the three of us, either me, you or Micah bought tickets to Tulum.

Was it me? Was it you? I'm sure it's for a good reason. No way. I'm sure it's for a good reason. Yeah, the good reason is that he wants a vacation. Oh, here's another. He probably needs.

Here's a good question email. I'll see you in Tulum, motherfuckers. So he's, he's taunting us. Yeah. He's taunting us. I just got one. Yeah. It's his flight information.

Yeah. He put it in good questions. I don't know why he's doing this. Okay. So he did buy three tickets, one for me, you and him, but he's the only one on the plane right now. I guess. Oh, the flight's taking off.

You wanted us to pay for his flight, but we couldn't make it because we didn't know about it until it was too late. So, yeah, that's why it's a write-off. It's not a write-off. That's good. It's not a write-off. I'm happy for him. I know you are, and I'm sad for us, but, oh, here's an actual good question he found.

All right. This is from an Israeli man, so it seems. So we'll call him, I don't know. What's an Israeli name? E-D-O-N. E-D-O-N. E-D-O-N. E-D-O-N writes, I'm a 25-year-old man, and I have a son who is four, whose mother is

and I, whose mother I was engaged to up until recently. We signed up our boy for MMA classes, Haganah, an Israeli self-defense forces training. Six months ago, as a way to build his confidence, meet other kids, stay active, and he's absolutely killing it, making new friends left and right, learning to kick ass along the way. I've never felt more pride than when I'm watching him fucking throw down, but that's not where my problem is. His mother, my then-fiancé, sucked his sensei's black belt dick after a practice I didn't attend about a week ago, then told me about it over ice cream that night after we put

our son to bed. So the fiancé told him about it? I can't tell if, yes, yeah, I think that, but I don't know if it's like they were broken up and they, and this happened and they were like friends. I think that's more the vibe. Got it. Obviously, I was blindsided and I lost it, packed my shit, and left that night, only to be forced to come face to face with this literal motherfucker three days later at practice.

I approached him after the class while my son was playing with some of the other kids and I told him I knew, and I asked him, what the fuck, dude? He answered with a smile and, oh, what are you gonna do about it? I didn't say anything, it quickly left with my son. Seriously, what the fuck am I gonna do about it? Take my son away from the thing that he loves, ignore it, and have to watch this guy teach my boy different kicks while knowing he also kicked a load into my ex's throat? Oh my god.

Or do I try to go toe to toe with a guy who's a black belt Israeli armed force trainer, motherfucker, fighting machine? My son has another class this week that I'm taking him to, and I'm panicking. I don't know what to do, and Amir's a chipmunk, thanks, whatever name you decide. So I guess he's not Israeli, but this MMA Haganah teacher is. That guy is definitely, has thick eyebrows, a bald head, and is stacked. Yeah, he's hairy and jacked for sure. He's hairy everywhere except for the top of his head.

He could fucking throw down. There's nothing like a guy who's stronger than you teaching your son how to kick your ass. And nutting into your wife's throat. His words, not ours. Right. Oh god. This is a real emasculating situation.

Right. That's like my biggest fear is like standing up for myself and someone saying, what are you going to do about it? Yeah, especially if the other guy's stronger than you. I already did. I already did what I was going to do about it. I was going to confront you. I thought you were going to have a war of words.

I thought you'd like fear that I was strong too. Yeah. I felt like you might instantly back down, but if it's going to come to blows, I'm frightened of that outcome. Fuck it. Let's do it the old fashioned way. Who has more Twitter followers? How about a battle of wits?

Quick, give me a topic and I'll wax philosophical or write a limerick of it. I think I can make fun of your occupation because while you're strong, you can't be making much more money than I. There once was a man who fucked my wife. He tried to ruin my life. He kicks you in the shits. Ah! Take down.

Oh. Danny, look away. Danny's hurt. Yeah. I think that it was already the X when this started is my theory. It would seem that if it's like straight up the guy hooked up with your fiance, that just doesn't seem like what's happening. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. It seems like they had broken up. Now they still hang out for the sake of the sun. And I guess the wife was kind of trolling him saying, by the way, I blew the sensei. Blowing the sensei is really if this guy did anything to fuck up the relationship, that's a really, really good way to get back at him. My God.

The sensei, I feel like that's specifically for like martial art, Asian martial arts. I don't know if like an Israeli self-defense guy is called the sensei. What are they called? I don't know. I just always assumed sensei was like karate, jiu-jitsu. Right. I don't know what the sensei would be in Israeli. That's your native tongue though.

Yeah. Unless everybody else just stole the belt system, they stole the geese, they stole the names. Right. They stole everything. And then they just called it, what is it called, Haggadah? No, not Haggadah. Asshole.

You piece of shit. Krav Maga. Krav Maga is the type of Israeli self-defense. This one is called Haggadah, which is very close to Haggadah. Which is very close to Passover. It is close to Passover. By the way, what are you doing for Passover? I forgot to ask.

I got two passovers in Easter this weekend. Wow. That's the way of being in an interfaith marriage. So you got the Seder Friday. You got the Seder Saturday. Friday and Saturday Seder. You got the Easter Sunday. Easter Sunday.

Why don't you put a little Easter egg on the Seder plate? How's that for interfaith? That's nice. Is chocolate kosher for Passover? It is. Yeah. Okay. You can have like chocolate matzah.

Yeah. So it works. So you got the matzah. It'll be an egg. Bitter herbs. You got the basket full of candy and then you have parsley. Easter is the strangest Christian holiday, just in terms of like the traditions. It definitely makes sense like what it is, what they're celebrating.

Jesus. But like, yeah, like why unearth Easter bunny and chocolate eggs? You got to appeal to the kids, I think. Truly makes no sense. Yeah. I think it's like kids are like, we don't want to learn about Jesus. They're like, well, I will say that there's a bunny that gives you a chocolate. Yeah.

Christmas is Jesus' birthday. You associate birthday with presents and so like that one just, it tracks. I know there's a fat guy from the North Pole with reindeer and that's a little out there, but like it still makes sense to me. You have no notes. No notes. Santa lives in the North Pole. He has a bunch of elves working for him and he and his wife make a list of naughty and

nice people. Green light Christmas. That's easy. Ship it. That's easy. Done. Done. Giant bunny dumping eggs for celebrating the day that Jesus came back from the dead.

That one's harder. That one's harder. I can't quite wrap my cock around that one, Jesus. I'm sorry, Your Honor. I got a good one. That's a good way for him to get revenge. Oh, please. He got to act like he don't give a shit.

Okay. And that's it. So the wife's like, I blew the sensei and then you sort of laugh. You like act like really the fucking sensei. Nice, Sheila. Real fucking classy. Oh, God. Holy shit.

What next? Are you going to eat out our fricking librarian? No, you're fine. Whatever. I don't care. I'm going to get another Sunday, Sheila. Hey, this one, maybe I'll have it with nuts. Oh.

The problem is this guy already got upset, packed up and left. So it's hard for him to pull back around and be like, psych. And confront to the teacher. I think he's got to go to the other. The only way he can come at this guy is to ruin his business. Okay? Okay. So he's not going to be able to take them out at the knees literally, but figuratively,

you go around to all the other children or the other children's parents, not the children. Hey, you know that guy blew my wife, right? I'm full of Tyler, Cindy, Connor, come here, come here, you little, you tiny little munchkins. Let me tell you what your sensei did. He's actually not all that wise. That black belt actually hides the cock he shoved down my fiance's throat. Oh my good Lord. You know, you go to the other parents and you say, I don't know what to tell you guys,

but this guy, he had an affair with my fiance. And then he bullied me. So I think we should go to another Hagana studio. There's what, just 12 miles down the road. And I think there's a Muay Thai clinic across the street, which I've been reading lots of good shit about. Also I think I'm going to give this guy a two-star Yelp review. Yeah.

I don't know what the hell out of it, but. That's what you do. My wife blew them. You know, Sheila, we were all in ice cream the other evening. Yeah. Did you notice things got tense between us? I left my milkshake on the counter and I stormed out. That's not like me.

You guys know that. I'm usually cool as a cucumber. The other thing you could do is enroll yourself at another like Jiu Jitsu or boxing studio in your town. And then next time he says, what are you going to do? You just drop him because he doesn't know that you've been training. Yeah. That's like the sitcom answer.

You take your own self-defense and you challenge him to a fight. All right. You might not win, but at least like holding your own a little bit, he'll respect you. Yeah. Is it more respectable to fight and lose or to not fight at all? I think to fight and lose is more respectable. That's cool. To not fight at all, I think to walk away entirely is less respectable, but to walk

away and form a new plan, that's respectable. You know you can't win when a black belt is like, what are you going to do about it? So you have to kind of go off and be like, what am I going to do about it? But you can't just do nothing. This is funny. Good luck, dude. There's also the notion that if they are broken up, it's fine, so think about that too, I guess.

Oh yeah. That's probably more than likely. That is kind of how he described it. So get over it. Yeah. All right. This guy did act like a dick. All right.

Anyway, take a break. Let's take a break. We'll thank some sponsors. We'll be back on the other side after this. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow.

That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect.

I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great.

Really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. This is a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in.

Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. She misheard it or something like that, or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way.

By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah.

Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah.

Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah.

It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit auraframes. It's a u r a frames dot com and our listeners can use code head gum to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh wow. This is timely.

The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's aura frames a u r a frames dot com. Okay. Go get your parents something. All right. And use the code head gum for $30 off plus free shipping.

Right on. Thank you, aura. To the head gum podcast you were listening to this show is sponsored by better help. Thank you. Better help. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place.

And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but better help makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. It's incredibly helpful. Therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years. So give therapy a try.

It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful. So you can find that balance better with better help. All you got to do is go to better help dot com slash if I were you. You do that today. 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere

that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help. And it's extra affordable. That's better help H E L P dot com slash if I were you. Check him out. Thanks. Better help. And we're back.

Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lift. Oh, yeah, baby. Well, sort of. I am. I really it's really only sort of, but I've been very, very into the show queer I lately and I highly recommend it. It's so good.

It's so good. Everybody's already. I'm like the last person to discover it, but you haven't watched it. I saw one episode and it was very sweet. It was a Southern man who was large who got a nice little makeover to go after his old sweetheart who wasn't quite interested at the beginning of the episode. And was she at the end? At the end, she's wanted to give him a date.

That's really nice. That's really nice. I've been watching season three and every single night I am crying. It's so touching and I love the show. It's great. And are you crying because these people are in desperate need of a makeover? Are you crying because you're realizing that you need to groom yourself in a different way and you just haven't even thought about moisturizing in that specific way?

I'm mostly crying yet because I'm 33 and I only learned what a French tuck is. You think you're going to pull that off? I think I'm definitely going to start doing a French tuck. Wow. For sure. I'm going to start doing a French tuck. With a French tuck, does that mean you have to wear like a jacket or a blazer that covers the back of it that hangs down low?

No, I think that you can remove the shirt and have a French tuck t-shirt, but I don't know. I'd have to ask Tan. Maybe I'll write in to him. Tan, quick question. Hi. Yeah. No.

Hi, Tan. New fan. I'm fairly stylish. I'm curious about this whole tucking your button up into the front of your jeans situation. I'm willing to hear Karamo's answer as well. Do you think you're going to upgrade from a t-shirt, jeans, hoodie, style clothes? Since I moved to New York, I spent the winter trying to be a little more style conscious. In LA, you just wear the same thing every day because the weather is always good.

I never really thought about what I was going to wear. With a cool jacket. Yeah. Here, I definitely have been thinking about wearing different jackets and shoes, but as the weather's been getting warmer and nicer, I've been reverting back to just t-shirt and jeans. Yeah. Most of the time, I don't usually wear hoodies.

I usually wear a collared shirt. It's nice. I don't know if that's fashionable. Fashionable now is that street workwear, big baggy pants that are cuffed. I don't know if I can do that. That's not me. Yet. Yeah, I don't know.

Would you ever wear the baggy pants? I mean, I assume I'll do everything that society eventually gets to. I didn't think I'd wear tight pants. I got tight. Now it's going looser. It's going box cut. It's going straight leg. So I assume I'll do that eventually.

It's really, yeah. Crop pants, cropped loose pants is in. I just don't know if I can't imagine doing it. I guess I will. I remember thinking that buttoning my shirt all the way was a bridge too far. And now you can't stop. I don't do it anymore, but like, yeah, now like that seems like the least offensive fashion thing to me now.

Yeah. And then what kind of are people still wearing really loose t-shirts with those, even though they're pants are baggy or the t-shirts now getting tighter? I guess it seems like the t-shirts are getting normal. Jackets are big. Yeah. I've noticed a lot of like really like, especially in women's clothes, like is this a jacket or like 20 yards of fucking fabric that you sort of shawl over yourself?

It's like Game of Thrones chic. It's a wrap. Yeah. It's a lot of fabric dangling down to the floor, the looser, the cooler. Japanese street wear has me wearing a sarong and a bathrobe. And a little bit of sleet though. With a little bit of sleet though. So it's always snowing around you.

Wet sleet, bitch. All right, we should also mention that our show in Chicago is getting close to selling out. Yeah. So another bit of unsolicited advice is to grab tickets to our show. Twinnovation is sold out. Doe Boy sold out. High and Mighty sold out.

These shows are going fast. NADPOD is almost sold out too. We're close to selling out. I think we might sell out this week. So go to headgum.com slash live or jaconamere.com to get tickets to all those shows. We're coming to Chicago June 14th, 15th and 16th. It's going to be fun. Yeah.

Great weekend. Awesome. All right, we got another question or two to get to. This one is from an American man who had the word CrossFit in his email. So why don't we call this guy, God, Blanco. I remember taking CrossFit years ago and Blanco was the most jacked instructor. Oh, cool. Blanco.

Isn't that from like Street Fighter? Oh, yeah. No, that's Blanco. Oh, okay. This guy was Blanco and Blanco writes, long story short, I've been with my girlfriend for almost a year now. We've taken several trips together, gone to Vegas a few times, but somehow she's always evaded the idea of hearing me hearing or knowing about her shitting.

Obviously, I'm not one of those guys that thinks girls don't shit. I'm not a fucking idiot, but let me continue. One day recently, she came over to my place for a chill evening in when she came over. She said she had to head to the bathroom, but that I can leave the TV on. So I left the TV on and a few minutes later, I realized that she was definitely going number two, but, pun intended, she left the bathroom and didn't bother to make sure everything went down and stuck all over the inside of the toilet. She probably had a bad burrito or something.

I don't know. So here's my dilemma. I went into pee a few minutes later and I saw shit all over and I was like, duh, fuck. We are considering moving in together to my place. I've been to her place and it's a shit hole, so we're not going there, but I don't want my place to have shit stained toilets like hers. I don't know how she can stand it at her place. Do I bring this up to her?

How do I ask her nicely to clean up her literal shit after she takes a dump? I ended up using my toilet cleaner right on the spot where I went to pee just cause I'm a clean freak and whatnot. Long time fan, help me. Y'all save my week every week. I listen to your podcast on Monday morning commute and it makes it not suck as much, so thanks for that. Uh, wow.

Do I bring up the fact that she has to clean up after her shit? I don't obviously know. Like of course you don't do that, right? But... Yeah, she's probably very, very sensitive to this whole shitting issue where she's like, you can leave the TV on, I'm just gonna go to the bathroom and then you go in 30 seconds later. There's shit on the bowl!

There's shit all over the bowl! Christ, Sheila! Oh my God! Now I know why you wanted to leave the TV on! I mean, for you! I think it's, I mean, it's not, it's definitely not worth bringing up days later. Like, you can't, you can't let something stew and then be like, I'm gonna finally say something.

It's, it's, I've reached a breaking point because then you see him insane. You've been thinking about like a tiny little shit smear for, for like a week. You gotta, you do have to call it out right from the bathroom as it happens. And if you miss that window, then, then it becomes weird and it's your fault. I think it's... Don't let the poo stew. You can't stew with the poo. Don't stew the poo.

Follow up. If you guys actually move in together, I don't think that this problem like prevents that from happening, obviously. Yeah. If you move in together and she's constantly leaving the bowl smeared, then as a roommate you can be like, hey, wipe your shit. But you don't have to say it for the one time that she shit at your place because also just doing it once doesn't mean that that's a habit.

You've been with her for a long time taking trips and this is the first time it happened. I feel like she's probably shit around you before. Yeah. Or you could do it in like a cute way. So it's not like a rule. You can just be like, I smell a doody. You left a little skin mark in the bowl, whee. I mean, yeah, that's definitely one way.

That's really cute. That'll... Peel. I don't... Who's my little stinky queen? Who's my little stink queen? You forgot to clean the bowl bowl. You forgot to clean the bowl.

You forgot to clean the bowl. This is as you're shitting on the kitchen table. And this is what happens to dirty little girlfriends. Oops. Now I made a mess too, she either. Poops, I shit it again on the bowl. Shit it again with your fart. No, you do have to clean the bowl, obviously, just going forward.

That's why we have that giant Q-tip situation. Sheila. Yeah, I would think that I would be afraid to bring it up. Days after, like you mentioned, she's probably very sensitive, scared, ashamed, but this is... You know, I'm sure she wants to be as clean as possible. She didn't do it on porpoise. Nice.

She didn't see the skid marks and was like, whatever the fuck. Do you ever use, do you ever have to use that the, what's that thing called, the toilet bowl cleaner? Oh, like the toilet bowl brush? Yeah, the brush. Yeah, I used, I mean... Are you using it as like a bi-weekly cleaning or are you using it to like actually like get off some of the bowl duties?

I guess, I guess both, but probably more so the bi-weekly cleaning. It's definitely, it's few and far between that I have to use it to clean off shit. I feel like I can usually do that with pee. Oh yeah, you just sort of treat it as like a little carnival game using your pee to chip off the thing. That's right. And then after you use the brush, where are you cleaning that? Is that like in the sink, in the shower, you're doing that in the bath?

I'm done answering these questions. Yeah, a lot of people just flush the toilet, they clean it with like the fresh toilet bowl water. Huh? You use the brush and then they flush the toilet and then it's like, all right, now let me clean the brush with the clean toilet bowl water. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, you don't do that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You ever get the toilet with like the, what is that blue thing? Like the blue little syrup that sort of, it gets washed into the bowl every time you flush it, the blue, remember those, I feel like those used to be a pretty popular thing. It feels like you're like bombing at stand up or something. Do you guys remember the, what is it? What else, what else? The box? Yeah.

Do you guys, do you ever have a Roomba? Remember those, they go around, they clean the floor, blue syrup. When those first came out, flipping through a notebook. What else, what else? Sorry, this is just a suicide note, hold on. All right, here we go. It's got 2,000 flushes. Is everything okay?

Yeah, no, I'm fine. I'm good. Shit. Hey, no heckling. Yeah. No heckling or I'll end it on stage. Well, I did, I come here. I haven't seen the blue bowls that much anymore.

I wonder if those were considered like bad for the environment or something. Oh, I could definitely imagine, I could definitely imagine that. Was that like something that you, like the toilet water would refill blue? Yeah, it was all, it was like, that's what it was. It was, it was, when you flush the toilet water, it would come out clear and then there would be something in the bowl that would turn it blue and that's how you know. It would turn blue and that was, that was it getting cleaned. Yeah.

That definitely seems like it's really bad. Yeah. But I don't know why. Yeah, because the ocean's already blue. I mean, how bad could it be? And it was a really nice blue. That was a cerulean. Yeah, that looked, it looked like, it looked like a Bermuda Beach blue.

I mean, I wanted to, I literally would dip my toes in it and pretend I was like in a white sand beach. Oh yeah, I would splash my face with it and just be like, oh man, to be, to be in the Caribbean again. To be blue again. It's a pirate's life for me. I feel like a good gag gift would be, it would be a brown one of those. It would be a good like gag gift.

So like every time you clean your, you flush your toilet and it's clean, the brown instead of the blue plus bleach. So it's still clean, but it looks brown. Yeah. Like a prank. That'd be a really funny prank to play on your roommate. Yeah. Like every time they flush their toilet, it would just fill up really, really nasty brown.

Yeah. Or like golden. So it looks like chicken broth in there. So you flush the toilet, it's chicken broth. You plop in a little, a little matzo ball in there. So it looks like every time I took a shit, it was a, it was a matzo ball. You cut up some carrots, celery, some onion, I really, you would love to drink out of a toilet bowl.

If it was like, yeah, like egg noodles with like, it was like a hot toilet bowl with matzo ball soup. I feel like if we produce something again, you would like us to have a, like a perfectly clean toilet bowl with really clean water and you could drink out of it. Like as, as a set piece, just so you would have like that feeling. Is that accurate? Would you like to do that? What the fuck are you accusing me of right now?

I just think you have, you have- If we shoot something again, do I want a toilet there that I can drink out of? Is that what you're fucking asking me? You're obviously preoccupied with it. Yeah. You, you can- Yes. Yes, of course I would like to drink out of a toilet next time we shoot something.

That's right. Why is that considered like, why is this gotcha journalism? I'm admitting to it. I want to drink out of a fucking toilet. Well, the prop- There. A prop toilet, right? A prop, oh yeah.

What is that? Like a prop, like a fake toilet? Oh no. That works too. You're, where are you right now? I'm on a tub next to, yes, a bowl. And you're not eating or drinking anything from it, are you? I'm having, I'm having a sip.

And I don't think it's- A sip of what? Like a LaCroix or like you're, oh you're, you're drinking from the toilet bowl. Yes, like a LaCroix out of the toilet bowl. I'm having soda out of the, out of the bowl. You poured a LaCroix, at least is it a good flavor? Yes, it's a fine flavor. It's fucking grapefruit, pompomous flavored.

That's the best one. Yes. All right. And I'm bobbing for, I'm bobbing for little nectarines at the bottom of it. Why are we like turning this into like this huge fucking witch hunt? This witch hoax. It's not hoax, you're saying that you're drinking out of a toilet. You said you're bobbing for nectarines.

It's a fucking witch hoax. It really is a witch hoax. It's a witch hoax. It's a fucking witch hoax. Or a hoax. A witch hoax. Yes. Witch hoax.

Witch hoax. Witch hoax are we talking about? Witch hoax. Nice. There you go. There you go. Don't bring it up. You could still move in with her and then you can disclose your affinity for keeping

the toilet bowl absolutely clean whether or not she's left shit stains in it. Which probably won't be a recurring theme. Yeah. Though he did say that her place is kind of a shit hole. So like if you talk about moving it together you could talk about general cleanliness and you don't have to be like, by the way you left a shit stain on my toilet bowl. That's good. So you say, oh it's time we should talk about our third roommate.

And she's like, wait what? And he's like, I live with someone named general cleanliness. Hoorah! All right. Addie, soldiers. Salute thee. I'm going to teach you a thing or two about toilet bowl maintenance maggot. It's time for your basic training.

I am general cleanliness. I do really prefer that the toilet bowl doesn't have shit stains all over the inside of it. And you will drop and give me toilet bowl. I don't know what I've been told. Someone left a streak of my bowl. Nice. Thank you. Sound off.

Number two. That's good. That's really good actually. I know. It's like, I was like fucking sleep or good, but like, damn. That's low key. Jake Hurw is with the golden mic this episode. At the end of every episode, we have been giving each other the golden mic for the MVP.

So I think this episode, what number is this? 378 or so. So I guess for number 378, I will be taking home the golden mic for the episode. Have I ever gotten a golden mic, do you think? I think in episode, there was one episode where I did. One episode? I think in the early days, early days episode. And you hosted with Ben.

So that was an episode where I didn't take the golden mic home. I asked you if I, yeah, I asked you if I've ever, you've never, no, of course you've never taken it. And you've went back and retroactively, gave it out a golden mic for every single episode. And you've won it for every episode except for the one episode you weren't in. And then the one episode that you weren't in, Ben got it. Honestly, every single episode I've ever listened to, I have the line of the episode. And it's like crystal clear that I deserve the golden mic.

I have 377, Ben has won. And I have been to do the golden mics, which is just given to somebody that had a funny line that episode. Do you think I've ever had a funny line? Well, the MVP, because it's not saying you've never had a funny line. Yeah. I didn't say you never had a funny line. But you think I'm 0 for 377 and having the funniest line?

0 for 378? Yeah. Yeah. That's worse. Yeah. I think you're funny. I think you're funny. General cleanliness was my joke, by the way.

I did it for a minute and then you said, I don't know what I've been told. I want my toilet bowl. And then that got you the golden mic. Do you think that I deserve it a little bit for coming up with general cleanliness? No, I think that definitely you can't have two golden mics. I don't think you didn't do anything this episode. I think you're really funny this episode. I thought I was really strong.

I thought general cleanliness was actually really good. Yes. I thought you had some really good stuff. And that was when I came up with general cleanliness. I know, but I really elevated it to the point where it was golden mic worthy. And before that? Before that, you came up with it. I'm not saying you didn't come up with it.

They gave me the fucking silver mic then. Like I want, you have 380 fucking trophies. There is no silver mic. I would give you this. You absolutely, if I didn't do this episode and you had to do it by yourself, you'd have the golden mic. That's how funny you were this episode. You did a really good job.

I don't know why you're upset. I'm upset because you've declared yourself winner, which is this whole podcast has not been a competition up until now. And you've declared yourself winner of every episode. And not every episode. Ben has. Yes. No, no, no.

Sorry. Every episode that you've been in, you think you have the golden mic best fucking line of the show and I don't have anything. Best line MVP. It's not that you don't have anything. You've done a lot of episodes of this podcast. You were a really great co-host. I don't, I feel like you think I'm attacking you.

You are. I'm not. I'm saying you're awesome. I came up with general. You're the man, Blubenfield. Yeah. I came up with general cleanliness. We both came up with general cleanliness because that was like, that's like shared IP

at this point. No way. So I might do, I might do like a general cleanliness shirt. Like a shirt like merch. Yeah. I'm doing, I'm going to sell a general cleanliness tee. This is fucking so beyond fucked for you to sell, to cut me out of the merch game. Yeah.

I, by the way, I was the one who said that. Well, I came up with it. Do you feel like you, you feel like you should be able to sell my IP? Yes. I don't think that's fair. I think you're, I think you're a really good co-host. I think you're awesome at the podcast. I wouldn't be able to do it without you.

Thank you. For real. Thank you. But I think when it comes to funniest lines, MVP status, golden podcast awards, like golden mic awards, that's, that's kind of like my, that's my game. That's my shit. And that's where I, that's where I am. That's the level that I'm playing.

Let's, and I think, Sorry. I'm trying to like, you're not letting me say one thing. Can we at least like open a, can we open it up to the public where like people can vote on who they think is the gold deal. Like if you think that you're, it's so unequivocal, unanimous that you've won every single one. Why are we opening up? Not every single one.

Not every single one. I don't know why you keep on saying every single one because Ben won one. Okay. Of 300 and fucking 80, Ben Schwartz won one of less than 1%. You won 99 point fucking 7% and I've won zero. Not one of them. I'm saying let's let the audience decide. Maybe there's someone out there that disagrees with you.

Maybe our fans think that I have won the golden mic for one episode. Yeah. If there's an episode where everyone thinks that you won the golden mic, I'm willing to review that. I'm not willing to concede it. I'm willing to talk about it. I'm willing to revisit that episode. So will you revisit it this week?

Will you revisit it this week? If they all say yes. On the general, on the general cleanliness, I can't, I don't think I can let that one go because I stand to make a lot of money off of the general cleanliness merch. The merch. Yeah. The t-shirt, the cartoon, the song. The song.

And I think I'm like, I'm going to do a book. What? You're doing a book. So I just feel like, well, general cleanliness is a really fucking cool character. All you said, all you said was general cleanliness. I turned it into a character. I did the song. No.

Yeah. Yeah. You did the song. That's my happy. And honestly, I would share if you had gotten the golden mic this episode, but I have the golden mic, so I just don't think it's worthwhile. Yeah. All right.

All right. Yeah. That makes sense. All right. Cool. I'm really happy that we do this podcast together. I think you're super funny and I think you're awesome in. Thank you.

All right. Let's call it here because you have to edit this and post it and promote it on Twitter and Instagram and stuff. Yeah. You have a lot of work to do. Yeah. You have a lot of work to do. Yeah.

It's Passover, so I might, I have to like, fuck. Let's get it up. Let's try to get it up today. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Yeah. Okay.

I just, yeah, I have to. All right. You'll spend time with your family. I will. No. Yeah. Yeah. I was going to say that I was going to, I'll spend time with that family afterwards.

I got a, let's call it here. I like that. Let's call it here. I think that's a good idea. I got some work. So you're saying that you want to do work and that you've got to get it done before your family time and you want to call it here. Yeah.

Awesome. I agree with you. Thanks, man. Thanks, man. If you have your own emails, what's the email address again? I don't forget it. No, man. It's, if I were you show, if I were you show at gmail.com.

Theme song submissions, do you remember the email address? I just said it. That's, if I were you show at, remember what it is? At email, at gmail.com. At gmail.com. There's no email.com. It's at gmail.com. At gmail.com.

And what else do we need? We need theme song submissions. Do you think you said theme song submissions and questions? And if you want to, if you want to give me the out of boy for winning the golden mic this week, you can tweet at me or follow me on Instagram and just say good job on the golden mic this week. If you're interested in hearing about general cleanliness is no, if you're interested in hearing general cleanliness is exploits and adventures, follow general cleanliness on general

cleanliness Graham and general cleanliness on Twitter and I have a Kickstarter for general cleanliness. No, no. I'm not letting you do a Kickstarter for general cleanliness. You're not doing a Kickstarter for general cleanliness. He's this general that's just. I know what he is because I fucking came up with him. I came up with fucking general cleanliness.

You can't do a Kickstarter. Don't you explain what he is to me? Don't now explain what he is to me. He kind of looks like Mr. Clean with a scarf. That's what I was imagining too, actually. Cool. Yeah, I really wanted him to be like Mr. Clean with a scarf. Well, that's my IP now.

Opening theme song was written by MJ Colgate. Closing one is written by Luke McDonald. It's a cover of a song I don't quite know, but maybe you guys can recognize it. His insta is at luke underscore before underscore you underscore forget about me. That's a long one. That's a long one. I don't blame you guys for not following Luke. Thanks to Luke.

Thanks to MJ. Thanks to you guys. Thanks to the Golden Mike Award winner for being on this podcast with me. Thanks for recognizing that. I gave you a lot and you deserve it. Your thank you was so flippant. You acted like it was something that you expected slash deserves. I really am humbled by my 377th Golden Mike.

I can't believe this unprecedented streak has gone on this long. Honestly, at this point, I'm not even trying to win it every week. I would love to share the wealth and spread that around. Thank you. Maybe one of these weeks. I'll take it next week if you want to give me an honorary one for striking out for 380 in a row. I can't help it.

I can't help it. All right. I'll see you next week. Thanks, guys. Hey there, everybody. Jake here, aka the Golden Boy. Proud winner of this past week's Golden Mike Award. Man, thank you.

Thank you so much for the honor. Truly. It really is. It's astounding. It really is. I'm humbled and I'm awestruck. I'm honestly, I'm cheesed by the whole entire thing. I'm right chuffed about it.

Thank you very much. I just wanted to let you guys know that you can actually purchase your very own general cleanliness tea. It's really something. It's really cool. Store.headgum.com. I swear to God, there's actually a t-shirt that you can buy, own, and proudly wear at store.headgum.com.

All proceeds will go directly to the winner of the Golden Mike Award, which actually, I guess this week and for many weeks past, happens to be me, which is pretty neat. Thank you again for the honor and for the cash and for wearing the tea and letting me know who's the man. All right. Thanks so much, everybody. Ciao. That was a headgum podcast.