If I Were You - 38: Jealousy

Episode Date: November 18, 2013

In this episode we discuss envy, threesome, and vibrators. In that order.This episode is brought to you by OurTunez.com! http://bit.ly/1fNA7ul . Discover new music, upload your music, and make money from your music! Why the heck not...See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Oh, I've got a problem Oh, and I can't solve it I just don't know what I'm supposed to do So I'm what I do If I were you, true At gmail.com If I were you, true I hope that I am strong And I handle one check and a mirror I'm going to say about me It's if I were you, or she's the chief Beautiful. Beautiful.

Motown. Motown is back. Motown mope problems. What? It's a, it's a, it's a play on a Biggie Smalls Puff Daddy and Mace song. Mace, spelled with a dollar sign. Yes. M-A dollar sign.

Yeah. Hey, this is if I were you, the only by the pot. Hey, this is if I were you. Hi, this is if I were you. Rewind. Rewind. Rewind. Play.

Hey, this is if I were you, the only vice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. And I'm Jake. We are bare bones in it today. Bear. We are. Bear are our bones. We are slowly losing more and more of our possessions to our move to Los Angeles.

We remain in New York. Yeah. Well, some version of us remains. I am falling apart at the seams. We are currently holding the microphones in our hand because our mic stands were shipped in your truck this morning to Los Angeles. Just as like a real life hack. I'm paying to have my truck shipped to LA.

But then to save on my actual moving costs. I just stuck this many boxes as I could inside the truck. Boxes hastily packed wrapped in duct tape just like around, you know, fuck, fuck, fuck. Lake Homer Simpson doing his taxes. Yeah. Oh my God. The entire time I was packing, I there was like a monologue that I could be delivering was just fuck me.

Fuck me. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Ass Christ.

Damn it. Oh, fuck. I want it. I was like, I sprinted to the car, sprinted back in realize I forgot a bag. Oh, awful. And you're also outside for half an hour. It was 29 degrees. Yeah.

I was like, I wasn't even going to put on my sweatshirts. Like, I'll throw this on. It's going to take me five seconds. I'm going to load the car. I'll come back. Nope. He had to give it a thorough inspection, thorough, thorough inspection where he, he's made a list of every single ding and scratch on the car.

And then I was also just being friendly. So we started talking about, just started talking about like living in California, how he wanted to live in California, how he was a musician. He was just like, he was just like, was not strapping down the truck tires and like talking to me about living in Santa Rosa. Yeah. Just, just ship my truck, dude. Please, sir.

Will you, will you ship my truck? I don't, I care not for your stories. Whoa. The wind is cold. The wind is very cold. That's actually my debut CD. I'd love to, can I grab an axe and play you a song or two? No.

Yeah. I can do it acapella. Here we go. This one's a seven minute love ballad. It's called No Wi-Fi, No Cry. No Wi-Fi, No Cry. Which is a parody song you thought of two seconds before we started recording. No Wi-Fi, No Cry.

I think he said, No, Why I No Fire. No, Why I No Fire. Said I remember when I was in a coffee shop in Georgetown. Oh God, it's a good song. It's a good song. No Wi-Fi, No Cry. Yup. Does that song mean No Woman, Don't Cry?

Or No Woman, No Cry? Like, I don't have a woman, I don't have a problem. I don't know. No woman don't like, or like, No Honey, Don't Cry. Right. Cause one is like, sounds very sweet. It's like, Oh Woman, Don't Cry. Oh, that's nice.

The other one's like, No Woman, No Problem. I'm gonna be by myself forever and I'm not gonna cry. Interesting. Or maybe there's no woman and it's like, No Cry. Like, there's not a woman around me. So I feel no emotion. I'm emotionless. I can't weep.

I'm just a robot. Oh, so without a woman, I cannot cry. I don't know. He was so stoned. I swear to God. Bob Marley was always high. So like, all of his lyrics suck, obviously. And his like chord progression and their shit.

Cause he was stoned. He's like a garbage music, like the best musicians are, are, are ones that don't do fucking drugs. Obi big. Well, like who? Like, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um. An Example of what?

Of a musician who drinks alcohol and write shitty music. Um, What's an example of a musician that you do like? Macklemore. You just broke character to say that you do like Macklemore. I just realize that he's sober and Writes Good Music. Because we're going to Macklemore concert tonight, tonight we're going to rage face it's funny that we're playing I'm just like

doing drugs at the concert because it's just gonna be 13 year old to 17 year old and like today Macklemore right like singing a song about being sober oh yeah vodka gatorade yeah if I could be an example getting sober I could be an example of starting over yeah dude I am that's not me luckily I have a problem luckily you're a better role model in your way more famous Macklemore despite my best efforts to get your haircut I am doing little for my actual personality to be more like you I suck in general and you're amazing specifically so hmm alright not fair so you know this episode is coming out after the concert but

if you happen to listen to it before the concert please find us high five us go back in time and let us know how will they listen to it before four hours from now if someone steals my laptop and listens to the source audio very well somebody a thief that's a laptop thief that loves that's an audiophile an audiophile that loves audiophile so I'm a kleptomaniac in an audiophile actually I'm a kleptomaniac not a kleptomaniac um I'm sorry how does this show work Jesus well we people email us in their problems questions conundrums yeah they ask us for advice and we do our best to dispel honest sometimes brutal advice

does this will need tough love sometimes they need tough love does dispel mean dispense or did you use that word incorrectly I think dispel means dispense it doesn't mean to like disprove hmm interesting unfortunately we don't have Wi-Fi or phone signal because it interrupts with the recording so we'll never know yeah daddy Amir took away our phones he said oh it creates a little bit of disturbance here so so jakey turn off your phone yeah yeah it creates disturbance yeah you create a disturbance I don't fucking turn my phone off so what I'm just supposed to not tend 38 minutes I can't tend I can't hang and I

can't oh cuz absolutely excuse me for that I have a tinge of hinge if you do find yourself in a difficult place and you want some advice please feel free that email address is if I were you show at gmail.com if I were you show at gmail.com so should we get this party started yeah although you've put a hinder on my tinder and you won't allow me to binge on hinge okay cupid you are so gay stupid I love that you're in sweatpants leaning down right now your gut coming out of your wife eater this is this gut you have a skinny from broding man I'm gonna take a photo of you just so we can have it on our site or something this

is what I'm currently looking at you look can I see the photo you looks wait let me take another one it was blurry this is bad radio but I'm gonna do it anyway you look you look like you look like a homeless person that's co-hosting some sort of radio show but the mic's not plugged into anything it really looks like I lost my fucking mind dope alright let's let's read some questions shall we yeah we got let's we're gonna open it up with a lady this time alright lady we're gonna give this a Sadie Hawkins podcast that's right ladies actually was our choice ladies choice we give ladies a voice I'm serious this is the first

podcast that does that yeah yo see ladies choice this is a ladies voice rolling up in a Rolls Royce is this the is this the same it's the same character that Bob Marley was Bob Marley the fucking stoner and he writes shitty lyrics shitty music cuz he's fucking high on weed okay different characters lost his fucking mind and that I'm not fucking on that herbal medicine I swear to God and he wrote fucking garbage treasure buffalo soldier what's the buffalo soldier last I checked buffaloes or animals yeah idiot what's your name my name is Charlie with four eyes at the end because I was called a

four-eyed Charlie at the first scene Charlie is a dollar sign I'm not a dollar sign H a R L I I I shouldn't it be a cent sign Charlie no maybe instead of four eyes at the end it's IV that that way it's at least it's in Roman numerals that's cool but no Charlie not a cent sign is a dollar sign because I'm worth it I hate cuz you're worth it I'm worth it cuz you're worthless I'm worth it let me work it just reminds me we should get Josh Rubin on the podcast yeah that is basically Josh Rubin impression all right ready yeah this one comes from a lady named Derek Jeter that's actually a fake name but this email is real change

their names to preserve this lady's anonymity anonymity hey guys my name is Derek Jeter and I've been dating my boyfriend for seven months now he's on the school's lacrosse teams and often the boys throw down with the girls teams who are very slutty on the weekends and he seems to always be the one inviting them to everything I know he wouldn't cheat on me but I tried to tell him he's sending the wrong message I can tell the girls are blatantly hitting on him all the time but he thinks he's just being nice and helping the teams have good parties how do I tell him to stop these shenanigans and just get someone else on

this team to invite them before I murder every girl in my city without sounding like I don't trust him or coming off as a crazy jealous girlfriend thanks Derek Jeter oh Derek oh Derek oh Derek oh Derek oh Derek oh Derek oh no um we're gonna pass it is there's like a couple different things wrong with this girl and I'm not sure which one or like potential things okay one she's really insecure building up a wall this dude clearly enjoys inviting her to the parties and she's like oh I know he hates it these girls are so sweaty like oh no you honey protecting yourself honey oh honey oh honey oh Derek oh Derek your

boyfriend likes inviting girls to the parties he likes that because that's the most he can cheat on you without feeling too guilty do you think there's a chance that he that he might tell you he doesn't like it even though he does if he doesn't like it he doesn't do it there's not like it's not a hard job other guys on the lax team would definitely be down to be the point like the point of contact with all the hot slutty girls the thing is he knows that you can't get jealous about that because it's such a minute thing what are you gonna be like oh I'm really pissed that he invites girls everyone would think you're the

crazy one he's back into a corner projecting too it's like oh these girls are such sluts I'm gonna kill them they're so slutty they're always hitting on my boyfriend like your boyfriend did nothing wrong in this situation how do I kill them without coming off as psychotic you can totally like your boyfriend can get rid of this responsibility oh we're talking about you I'm talking about this girl I'm talking about the girlfriend is the responsibility he can totally get rid of you oh yeah he can get rid of this responsibility aka needing to justify shit to you well it's I feel like the

number one your blame is in the wrong place it's to bust it's supposed to be to the guy but it's to the girls right she's she's like oh these fucking slutty girls how do I get my boyfriend to stop talking to these sluts who are always coming on to him yeah this is something we talked about before which is it's so weird to get mad at the other person when your boyfriend a girlfriend cheats on you like oh I'm gonna like that isn't there Taylor Swift song about like now I guess that's for destroying the boyfriend's car right um I don't know Taylor Swift as well as you do I guess either way it's like about uh it

doesn't matter because I might be wrong entirely but like the fact that like if your boyfriend cheats on a girl you're just mad at her and not I think I feel like I know I guess that's unimportant but I think it's like a Lee and rhyme song I don't carry underwood it really doesn't matter say that's a carry underwood it matters the world to her um fuck yeah it's like in the course like it took a bat to yeah his four-wheel drive yeah pretty little dooped up four-wheel drive all the leather seats oh man well no that's good cuz he cheated on her yeah that's the correct

or yeah that's the car you're supposed to destroy his car not her car don't really destroy a car but anyway your boyfriend is reaching out to these people these girls who you find to be slutty and inviting them to parties if you don't want him talking to them well well you shouldn't have dated not dated a hot-ass lacrosse player yeah sorry he's so goddamn sexy you can't even help it so why don't you go out with an ugly person you know you know who how many sluts he's gonna talk to nobody he'll dedicate his whole fucking life to you because he's ugly unattractive and stupid there you go there that's a good

little bit of advice we're gonna set up an ugly person with a bitch oh you know who would like make a really really great couple like for this psychotic chick and a fucking virgin loser we're the worst matchmakers ever my name is fucking Charlie do you really think she's a psychotic be I don't think she's a bee I don't think she's psychotic I think it's normal to be jealous I think it's normal to project I do think that you are wrong though I think what you're doing calling these girls a slut and like and saying that your boyfriend is not at fault is incorrect so how do I get them to stop these shenanigans they're

not they have no shenanigans you need to man up and tell your boyfriend that you don't like that he is the person that plans the parties that you're jealous you say hey you know what I'm a psycho I really like I wish I didn't feel this way I know that it's it's small I know it's petty I know I'm jealous but here's the thing if you care about my feelings you'll do something to to alleviate the concern that I have can you please try to pass off the the inviting onto one of your other buddies no I think I'd rather break up with you before I do that's fair I deserve that I earned that I think I was small petty and jealous and

I bid you I do I really do well you are taking this so well I think I think I want you back and now me and Amir fuck on my couch 40 minutes we slipped into the bit so hard that I think we're gonna have makeup sex bit so hard that shit cray that shit cray this girl psycho she's liable to go Michael whoa take your pick Jackson Tyson Jordan game six do you know that's referring to what game six game six yeah it's referring to a fucking JZ song what do you think game six is game six late the the bulls versus the Celtics close it was the bulls versus somebody I think the bulls jazz bulls jazz the push-off on Brian

Russell that's right time running out Jordan hits it hits the game winner no no two yeah it's the game winner to game in Utah his six championship wow he was liable to go psycho in that game the push-off so yeah that's our little bit of advice if it really bothers me bothers you you can tell him or if you're you're you're you're you're cool with it yeah I think the two options are tell him and or get over it yeah he's these girls are not at fault they're not even necessarily slutty yeah what are the odds that they're all slutty yeah and I mean they might hit on him people flirt with each other yet but nobody like

or at least it's very rare to have like a girl hitting on a guy so hard and he's never reciprocating it at all consider that he might be reciprocating consider that he's young playing lacrosse in college he might enjoy the attention so either you sell him that you're jealous and he might think that that's petty and dislike you for it or he might change the other option is to just trust him and get over it and maybe he will think that's so cool of you and he'll think that he's dating somebody who's like easy going and laid back then suddenly oh I can start pushing the boundaries let's see what else she's

laid back about maybe I can stay up all night talking to a girl because she knows that I have a trustworthy girlfriend uh-oh suddenly we're kissing that's not fair this is a girl's like this that girl's worse that might happen and if that does happen then you break up with the guy but at least you know you didn't do anything you just all you did was fuck it's so hard it's so hard because you're like do I keep him on a short leash leash and then he's like oh then he chews off the leash and runs away yeah where do I let their the dog run free in the yard no leash at all and just trust

that he knows the boundaries but hey maybe the dog doesn't he just goes too far never comes back well I think it's better to err on the side of long leash because that way you're getting cheated on and that's not your fault that's his fault he has a deficiency but if you make the leash too tight he can't he can't enjoy his space in his area and suddenly you're the person at fault that is really what you have to do is find a dog that won't stray even though you despite the long leash there are lots of dogs in the world here's the how many people in the world do you think I've cheated on their girlfriends and between the ages

of 18 and 30 you think that over 50 percent yeah have cheated over 50 over 50 I do think so so the majority of people have cheated on people yeah so no wonder people aren't trustworthy all right no no wonder people don't trust themselves I'm jealous because I know that I'm a cheater so I think anybody else in any situation like oh yeah you could be tempted you could cheat on somebody right that's it and I think we could just to like prove Amir's advice in my relationships I like to keep a girl on a tight leash well not having a leash on myself you prefer to be the bad thing to do do the opposite of what I have which

is I will I get jealous and I'm a cheater so I'm a jealous jealous cheater so it's bad from both ends right and I'm a non-jealous non-cheater right be Amir but the problem is you don't want an Amir you want a cool Jake that's tough because Amir doesn't play lacrosse well hey to be fair Jake doesn't play lacrosse I think I think I'm over too in that regard yeah I don't know it's tough I think people might want to like fuck a Jake but they want to marry Amir that is more than beautiful I think as long as I'm not getting fucked and you're not getting married I think I'm happy with the world is the world is right the world

is in balance it is a seesaw where both people are firmly in the middle area I miss my stuff man I don't have any stuff I'm stuffless like I'm I'm I am I got no tied to the world right now I'm untethered you're like Gandhi you're like Gandhi you have only the clothes on your body but but but not a you're not self-reliant or happy or content about it I've got like two boxes of stuff at my parents house I have a bunch of stuff in my car who which is God knows where right now somewhere in rural Virginia New Jersey and then I have a bunch of crap upstairs in my room some crap down here in this basement I just have shit

everywhere yeah and instead of fixing it you're dispensing advice about cheating boyfriends into a microphone that you're holding my life is in shambles and I should and now I'm just going on tour for the next nine days my life is in shambles and I got nothing but rambles oh my god how's that for a preamble alright this show is sponsored by better help thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult anxious stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place and it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist

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if I were you you do that today you can get 10% off your first month so the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room this is done entirely online but you're still getting professional licensed help and it's extra affordable that's better help HELP comm slash if I were you check them out thanks better help thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show wow for years and years and years we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and

potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website so if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one or you want to sell stuff online you can do an online store they have 24 7 live customer support email campaigns data you can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace for example I didn't even look this up but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude.com I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to

anyone else in your life maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season a summer birthday coming up who doesn't want a website so the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain again Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial everything looks good let's launch it just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase thank you Squarespace. Speaking of which let's gamble yeah let's gamble by reading another question

hopefully it doesn't make us even more depressed than we already are this one's from a dude a dude we'll call him Scott Brochus niceest guy in baseball super califragilistic ready super califragil is it better be Scott Brochus hey dude so basically I'm at uni and a flatmate of mine has a long-term girlfriend they've been together for two years he always casually jokes me having a threesome with them the more he says it the more I like the idea his girlfriend is a smoke show and I really want to bang her how do I tell if this is a joke and if it's not how do how can I initiate it also what if me and him make

eye contact during it thanks guys love the show Scott Brochus awesome broche I love where your head's at baby broche with a capital bro yo super third basement it must be Scott Brochus even though his on base percentages a bit quite atrocious nobody got that nobody knows those two things Scott Brochus played third base but also the Mary Poppins song oh wow interesting it's a Venn diagram that very little I also didn't do a very good job yeah so you didn't get it you didn't enjoy it the perfect storm of bad unfortunately it was three negatives which remains a negative so yeah it's Scott Brochus

humor meets Mary Poppins humor meets a bad song leave my office actually I might lock the door and try to stab you that's I prefer that over what just went down so you want to have a threesome with your roommate and his girlfriend yeah which I think is a bad idea because threesome's have lasting consequences you'll have to see them a lot they will have to see you a lot it is going to be bad for their relationship it's gonna be bad for your friendship I think if you're gonna have a threesome it's got to be with two people you don't know very well or like people that you're not serious about threesome's can never be

or should never be does the like that does the friend and another girl bother you like if a guy friend of yours suggested a threesome with a random girl would you be down yeah I'm down you're down to bone a girl with your male friend yeah I would never do that if we met a smoke show tonight at the Macklemore concert I would not fuck her with you if you hung out with her all night yeah got drunk right you guys vibe yeah long she's the hottest girl you've ever seen you're like amazed yeah amazed yep she takes you back uh-huh she starts hooking up with you okay yeah she's making out with you yeah this is good

so far so good you okay sure I enjoy the top blowing okay oh I want to fuck Jake too excuse you do I get to come in the room no you do not get to come are you kidding me she and then she's like all right I'm gonna get up and leave all right please do absolutely not yeah I would I would on on the contrary make a joint Tinder profile with you and exclusively have threesome if that's what it took is there you would have a threesome with me yeah why why me I mean is there a guy that your friends with that you wouldn't no why would you want that I wouldn't miss I mean I would prefer if it was just me and the girl or

the girl and another girl ideal but I mean if it's gotta be a threesome if that's like if that's what that or yeah that's what gets me the sex it's a funny experience it's fun to have sex with a girl with me yeah that'd be hilarious we'd be brothers that'd be hilarious that'd be the funniest thing that would be funny as we hurt this woman I think no I'm not so it's not like we fucking forced her into it she wants it too I know but how does she probably think it's funnier than we do she's cracking up bro it's fun for everyone she's skyping her best friend that's your problem man you make sex

negative for the girl yeah that's a positive experience for her a positive one for me and ultimately I think a positive one for you that and even if it's neutral or negative I think the net the net game is so positive for me that it's got to at least you must at least feel good that you gave me the gift of that three-way if we're breaking even I think that's a W a push is a win in that regard two wins in a tie yeah that's a winning fucking record I'll take two oh and one every day to the bank so I think the threesome thing is tricky I think if you really are hell bent on doing it cuz I understand like if you think your

roommate's friend is such a smoke show that you like need it but I think you can initiate it you like you have to like keep on letting them joke maybe you guys are all drunk one night it's gonna happen when they're drunk you can't do this shit always respond genuinely when they're joking like oh yeah we should we should have a three-way huh yeah I'd be like yeah yeah okay like oh you want to watch me fucker yeah I do yes I think that's how it starts actually I think it's like oh I want like I think it would be hot if like if if Scott Brochus watches I mean be like sexy if Scott Brochus watch this fuck which is what you

that you've actually said that to a woman Scott Brochus Scott Brochus do you want to watch us fuck and you're like yeah I do and then like they're fucking you start you start masturbating mom you know walk away mom I walk away yo mama turn it down baby I'm sorry mama oh actually she told me she doesn't listen I thought I imagined where she listened so I always said watch watch the dish I thought it was in the kitchen she listens in the car on the way to visit my grandfather oh so mom veer off the side of the road mom flipped car mama put it in neutral mama mama you go on turn it down look

out the window all right look out the window look at those leaves mama look oh oh oh mama look at the leaves they've changed it now mama oh mama don't you worry about me no more look at the foliage mama oh give you behind the rest mama mama I'm gonna be just fine mama don't worry about me mama I'll see you soon mama mama mama go somewhere nice and peaceful mama it's beautiful where I'm going oh mama mama it's beautiful where I'm going oh fuck me I'm dying mama I tried to be strong mama mama tried to be strong but I've been paid mama hold me against your breast one last time mama tell me I ain't

gonna die mama I'm afraid mama mama you asshole you were so courageous for a little bit mama don't worry just look like actually fucking it really really frigging hurts mama mama I came to again mama and I think I might I might be okay if you just give me to a doctor quick please go now or what is it got emergency Mama really really Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! The least courageous soldier dying at war.

Mama, I'm going to a better place now, mama. Oh, fuck it. Actually, I don't really want to go. I'm afraid to die, mama. Mama, mama. Mama, cry some more. I think it'll really help. Mama, this is, oh, this is such a weak move, but I think this is your fault. I wish the bullet hit you, mama. Oh, my God, I feel awful saying that. I love you so much, mama. So, wait, where were we on the threesome shit?

Uh, go for it. I just think that you can't be the one that, you cannot be the aggressor, because then when, like, it's all over and your boyfriend, and your, her boyfriend, starts to, like, think about it and be jealous, like, oh, wow, you, like, really just wanted to fuck my friend, didn't you? He, he doesn't think, like, oh, I, I was a victim in this. He, he needs to be the person that, that, uh, who thinks it was his idea. The instigator.

Yeah, because then he can't blame anyone. That said, I don't know that this is a good idea. But, I mean, I, I feel like his advice was, how do I, how do I get this to happen? So, uh, that's how you get it to happen. You just lay back, let it come to you. It will, if, if they're serious about it. Um, also, if you make eye contact with him during, that's fine. Have you ever had a threesome with you and a friend, male friend? Mmm, no, never like, on all the way, full on sex threesome.

But a hooking up threesome. Yeah, that's happened before. Like, making out? Yeah. Tight. I would have loved to have been there, actually. You could have been there. Why?

I wonder, haven't we ever made out with the same girl? No. Have we ever hooked up with the same girl? No. Wow. Tota. No, we haven't even had a threesome where, where time was just a not a factor. Yeah, well, it's awesome.

It'll happen one day. I hope so. I just hope it's, uh, you getting my seconds and not the other way around. Oh no, that's not gonna happen. Yeah, excuse you, Will. You have much lower standards. Like, I, I have the willpower to resist anybody you've ever been with and while you don't have it. But I have the ability to get, well, wait, never mind. That's still, uh, it's still a W for me.

All right. Should we take a break? Yeah, let's take a breather. I really need it. I hope that, uh, I hope that mama thing worked out well, the screaming. We were peeking a little bit. I'm just worried about audio-wise. Next time when you scream, I'd prefer it if you kept the microphone over here.

If this is the goddamn break that we're gonna take, will you lecture me about where to hold the mic? That we can just answer another question. Asshole! Is that better? Uh, yeah, that's probably a little better. Oh, probably a little better. You're a little man. Oh, we should talk about knock-knock.

Oh shit, that's right. In the last episode, Jake came up with a Tinder opening line that I thought was really funny, which was... Knock-knock. Who's there? Interrupting cow. Interrupting cow, who? Moo. Fuck. Which I thought was really funny when spoken.

And I, uh, you know, tendering it up as I am known to do these days. Uh, I got a, uh, a match with a, with a, with an exciting, I got an exciting match rather than a non-exciting one. Like a dime, straight up a dime. I got a damn dime piece. A smoke show. She wasn't a smoke, she wasn't like a hot smoke show. She was just a woman that it looked like I would, like my type of lady. Right.

So I didn't want to fuck it up. Okay. A four. Right. A four. A four to explore. Uh, so then I said, oh, I should use the knock-knock thing. And as soon as I wrote knock-knock, I regretted it so much.

I'm like, oh no. So much has to go right just for this joke that maybe isn't even funny to begin with. And then you started telling people what had happened, but we had this like nervous energy about it. So like no one responded well to the joke. And then she said, who's there? And then I felt so dumb writing interrupting cow that I almost bailed. And I'm like, holy shit, what do I do at this one? I'm like, I'm trapped in a corner.

I don't know. I don't want to ignore her. I don't want to say interrupting cow because what if she's like, oh, oh, that joke. That's not funny. What do you do for a living? I'm a comedy writer. Shit. Now I said it sarcastically.

I started to go, oh no. Oh Christ. I'm crawling into my head. So I said interrupting cow and she didn't respond for about the longest hour of my life. And I assumed it was over at that point where, because why would you respond to someone who made a shitty joke? True. But lo and behold, she said something along the lines of, I'm curious to see where this goes over text, which showed me that, oh, she gets it.

She gets that it's a joke. Which verified, which verified my sneaking suspicion that this was my kind of lady. Very true. Very true. She wasn't a dummy. And then I said interrupting cow. I don't know. She said, I'm curious to see where this goes over text.

And then I said, moo fuck. And she said nailed it. Yep. With capital letters. All capital letters. Which made me like her even more. And then so I was, I showed that conversation to my buddy in LA and he's like, that's great. I'm going to use it.

And then he used it and it said knock, knock. Who's there interrupting cow? And the girl said boo. Boo. The worst thing she could say. Yep. And then didn't you try to use that joke? I used it this morning and she did not get it.

Yeah, it was, it was weird. It was like she genuinely thought that we messed up the joke. Yeah. I was, I said knock, knock. She said, who's there? I said interrupting cow. And then she said interrupting cow. Who?

And then I said moo. And then I said fuck. And then she said, wait, I ruined it. Yeah. Which is not the response. I mean, like it's almost like a sense of humor test. Yeah. She was like, wait, I think that, I think we messed it up.

Yeah. But she didn't, she didn't understand that that was the point. She didn't get it. But do you think that's a good litmus test of like how to determine whether someone's humorous or not? I think it's like, I wouldn't say that's the perfect one because it is a little weird, but it's cheesy because you almost have to know that the person is being self-deprecated is like realizes that it's a bad joke.

I don't know. There's a lot of layers to it. But if the person gets it, it's a pretty great sign. It's true. I think in general, having a funny first line, oh, that was my other Tinder theory where like, I always say like just hey in the girl's name and then like some of them don't respond. So lately I started just sending like really funny messages back to them. Right.

Throw them into the inferno right off the bat. Right. So that there was that girl, I said, hey, and then she never responded. And then I wrote back like, wow, sorry for not believing in love. And then I wrote to somebody else like, shame, we could have been something. Yeah. And I wrote to somebody else and time this window is now shut. Don't bother ever contacting me again.

Did that person ever respond? Not yet. But like two, I feel like three out of four of the people that I did that to did respond. Right. Because everybody just wants to like have fun and be like funny on Tinder. So if you haven't gotten a match, people hate when I talk about Tinder, huh? Not everybody. Some people like it.

All right. Great. Then full steam ahead. If you have not heard back from a match, you should try just like saying like a funny cheesy line like that. Yeah. It's almost like the person's in a coma and you're using that, what's it called? The EKG.

The defibrillator. Yeah. The defibrillator resuscitate the conversation. Yeah. Like there's no risk because the conversation is already dead. You might as well try it. That's what defibrillators are. Yeah.

People are dead. There's no fucking risk. Let's just have fun with this body. Let's shock this dead ass body. So that's our knock, knock story. The end. Hopefully you guys get to use it. And if you do, screen cap and email us in at ifireushow at gmail.com.

That'll be a fun thing. Cool. One more question. One more. Even though we're at the 37 minute mark, we're already seven minutes over what we designated was too long, which was 30 minutes. Let's do it though. I, I, I, I.

I do it. Huh. It's the return of the max. Get it. This is another lady. We'll call her. Joe Girardi. Joe Girardi.

Josephine Girardi writes, hey guys. Well, basically I'm in a pretty sticky situation. Before summer, my friend encouraged me to get a vibrator because, well, for obvious reasons. Tyson, my vibrator was amazing and I had no regrets about getting him. However, one day while cleaning out my room, my mom found Tyson under my pillow and obviously flipped out. I quickly made up a lie that me and my friends were using it as a prank. She took some convincing, but after saying to traditional, I'm very disappointed in you. She ordered me to smash Tyson up with a hammer because she apparently thought it was disgusting.

It's been a couple of months and I'm considering getting another vibrator, but I'm worried if it's found again that I can't provide an explanation. What should I do? And if I get another one, what should I call it? Thanks. Well, first of all, you should get another one and call it Buster as in Buster Douglas because that's the person that knocked out Tyson. That's kind of cool. Yeah, and then it's funny because it's a vibrator and a buster. That's true.

It's like buster. Yeah, I did hardly. I think we're to really stick it to your mom though. You should start masturbating with a hammer. What? She should start masturbating with the hammer. Excuse you. Yeah.

Her mom made her destroy the fucking vibrator with a hammer. Sorry, mom. She should still get off with the fucking hammer head. The head. Yeah. The head? The peen. That's what it's called, isn't it?

Isn't it? The peen. The peen. It's called the peen. It's called the peen. Just use the peen. Why don't they make the whole plane out of the peen? What?

Where have you peen? My peen. Is the peen the head or the sharp nail removing part? I think it's the peen in the tail. I don't know. I don't really know enough about hammers. Just use the handle if you're going to use the hammer. I don't know.

We'll get a vibrator. How dare your mom make you destroy it? Yeah. I like the thing that she destroyed it. Oh, this is foul. Disgusting. I'm taking it to my room to destroy it. It's going to destroy me.

Oh, oh, oh, Tyson. How did you know its name, mom? What else can beat up my pussy with such rigor? Mama, turn it off. Oh, mama. How about a British boxer because this girl calls her thing mom? Oh, yeah. What's a British boxer?

Can I recommend Lennox Lewis? Lennox Lewis. That's a good vibrator name. That's true. Lennox Lewis is actually, I say go with that. And just find a better hiding spot than your pillow, ass. That's the first place she's going to look for a vibe vibe. Yeah.

Put it in your ass. Ass? Find a better hiding spot than your pillow, ass. Why hide it at all when it can just constantly be in you? Yeah, you should just hide it under the bed, hide it inside the mattress. You deserve to be, I mean, you should, masturbating is a very healthy thing. Yeah. There's nothing wrong with it.

Do all girls need vibrators to masturbate? Or do some girls masturbate without vibrators? I think some girls, I mean, no, some girls masturbate without vibrators. I think it just helps. It feels better. What's the male version of that? Not a flashlight. Lube?

Yeah. I think we could get off without having lotion or lube on our hands. Yeah. But it's just, it's significantly better. Well, the tricky part is lube, you can just say, is moisturizing for your hands, vibrator. You can't, there's no alternate purpose. Right. Some excuses she can use if her mom finds it again.

Mom, it feels good when I have an orgasm. No, that's not an excuse. That's like the actual reason. No, that's an excuse. That's the actual reason. Yeah, but reasons could be excuses. Mom, it feels good when I hold it against my clit. No, no, no, that's the same thing.

Mom, sometimes I feel horny. What about the vibrating? What about what? A toothbrush. I hold a toothbrush against it, turn on the vibrator, and I use it as a vibrating toothbrush. I think just find a better hiding spot. Is it a vibrating toothbrush? I think that would work.

No, it would not. You hold the hand off wash against the touch. I get how it would work. I, of course, get it. Also, why would she want to use that as a vibrator and then potentially have to use it as a punishment? All right, you, fine. Let me see you brush your teeth with it.

Okay, mom. Okay, mom. No, no, no, no. Jolly good then, mom. I will. I will. Well, look at this then, mom. It's so salty, mama.

Oh, mama. Oh, mama. I was talking about holding a toothbrush flush against the vibrator and fashioning a makeshift electric toothbrush. Right. Not using the actual vibrator to chip shit off your teeth. I did get that. Excuse you.

Do you think that makes it a good idea? I think it makes it better idea than rubbing plastic against you. I mean, if I thought you just meant brushing your teeth with a vibrator, I would have not even humor. I would have just, I don't even, like, I, like, I think better of you than the thing that you would suggest that. Thank you. I appreciate what you were trying to say.

And I appreciate your appreciation. Absolutely. That's another appreciation. I don't think so. I think lastly you have to appreciate me. I do not. I absolutely do not. Okay.

I think you can masturbate. It's normal. If your mom finds it, you should this time just be honest and be like, you know what, mom, I'm young and I'm exploring my body and I like the way that vibrating feels. Mom, I touched the clit. Ah, Macklemore. This is the best day of my wife. I don't know why it's, I don't know why it's my wife's best day or why I phrased it like

that. I really think today is the best day of my wife. You mean it's your wife's best, what do you mean? I don't know. I think it's the best day of my life. It's the return of the night. Yeah, really, get up. What it is, what it does.

What it is. What it isn't. I can't wait for the concert tonight because I'm so curious who likes his music as much as we do. Will it be disheartening if it's all 13 to 18 year old dummies? Well, why would you call them dummies? I don't know. What if they are?

What if only dummies like his music and then also a me, a 30 year old nerd? I don't know. I guess it'll be interesting to see. We're definitely going to be in the 98th percentile of age. Yeah, we'll be the oldest people there. But I feel like music is such a common bond that even if I see somebody who doesn't look or sound like me, I'm like, oh, but you still like this song. Obviously, within reason.

I mean, it's not going to be like, you're not going to hug an Asian person if you really like this song. Oh, no. Even if he doesn't look. Okay. No, well, great. Now I'm sick. Oh, come on.

I think you should still go to the concert. Dude, you should at least go to the concert. Mom, that's the sound of projectile vomit that you can't control. Like when you're when you're throwing up because you're sick or hung over like retching. Yeah. Projectile is like when you're when you have like food poisoning or something. I had that once and it was like, why would you ever know how projectile it is? I mean, you're always going straight into a toilet.

Like you're surprised by how much it is. Like, holy shit, my body did that. Like eyes wide shaking. You're like, oh my God, everything's out. Eyes wide shaking is actually the alternate title to eyes wide shut. Eyes wide shaking. Yeah. Yeah.

Fucking beautiful. Yeah. Eyes wide shaking. You love my baking. That is you are actually running late. We are running more than late and I think this is the end of the episode. That's the end. Yeah.

Eyes wide shaking because you love my baking. Yeah, that's not good. You don't think I could do a Macklemore lyric like a song? No, I don't. All right. It's fair. That's more than fair. Oh, good, good, good episode, good episode.

If you're listening to this on Monday or Tuesday, we're still on tour. We're going to be in Chicago, Madison, Minneapolis and Arbor this week. So please try to check us out if you're in those cities. And that first theme song was from somebody named Josh. And if you think you can submit your own theme song, well, good news because you can. Whether you're musically talented or not, you can send those in to ifireushow at gmail.com. Those are our favorites. And we-

What's with that dude that we met at the live show? Oh, yeah. Awesome song, awesome dude. You're the best, Josh. Boston, what represents- One time. And this last one, this outro song is by somebody named Doug. Doug.

So please enjoy the song. Please enjoy the episode. Thanks so much for listening, everybody. Please enjoy the episode. Leave me alone. Please, if they already enjoyed it. Mom! If I were you, if I were you, I'd do what I'm telling you.