If I Were You - 38: Old Food

Episode Date: July 22, 2024

In this episode we discuss live shows, classic scrolls, and transparent soup.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HITGUM original. Now. Now let's meet you two emphatic hoes. Sadness. We are dangerously close to having a live show. We're talking to agents. We're talking to managers and venues and it might actually happen. I think about it every time we raise our arms up because. Because everyone else has to do that too.

I really, really hope that I really really hope so I really hope so that's our rallying cry yeah exactly it'd be cool to actually get lowered from the ceilings by our wrists segments yeah our fucking shoulders popping out of the socket

you can see them both dislocating. You know I dislocated my shoulder when I was a kid. No. Yeah, I did. Was it a sports related or did you just fall off a table? It was a sledding accident. And I don't think sledding counts as a sport,

but it was an activity not falling off a table. You know what I mean? Yeah. That must be the hardest part about having a lot of kids that like at any point one of them will be hurt and then you have to deal with that. Oh yeah. It has to be constant.

I mean I broke. And sickness. Yeah. I broke stuff all the time. I think I broke my arm or my hand or my wrist like five or six times needed stitches. Like, yeah. And then, yeah.

Just the medical cost and going and dealing with it and urgent care, medication. Yeah. It seems like it's too much. It requires too much time. I don't know how your parents did it. Yeah, and then especially you have like somebody like Hannah who's say 13 going through puberty and school

and all of that like kind of emotional distress that you're dealing with that. But then at the same time, Micah's like three. So you're like. I have a nightmare. Yeah. Okay. So one's afraid to sleep by himself

and one is getting bullied at middle school. What do you do? I have to have the birds and the bees talk and then also change a diaper. Like this, I can't do it all at the same time. Yeah. You should just have as many kids as possible at the same time, twins, triplets,

which your parents also did. Which they did, yeah. Yeah, in addition to. But that didn't work out ideally because they had the other two. And then the other, yeah, then the last one. I wonder if they're still tired. You should ask your dad or mom,

do you ever, is it like, was it decades of exhaustion and you'll just never get that back? Yeah, no, I think they're really enjoying this, like this new empty nest thing that they've had for a few years. Even though like randomly one of us will kind of constantly move back into their house. Like Jill and I did it during our renovation

like when we were, was that 2021 or something, when we were renovating our house. And then like Sarah moved back there at some point. Michael was back there. That's probably the best of both worlds. You get mostly the emptiness, which is like nice independence and then still occasionally see the children.

The kid will visit. Yeah, yeah, exactly. So now I think they're happy now. But I do like every time, every time I have like, we were home, we were home over the 4th of July and their air conditioner stopped working. And then on like the Saturday after July 4th,

there was a bunch of fireworks going off in New Haven. And both of the dogs were kind of like barking and freaking out. And then Gemma was woke up and then couldn't go back to sleep because she was too hot. Cause her room was like 80 degrees. And it's like 10. Oh, is that when you were yelling at your dad or something?

Yeah, I was screaming at my dad. Yeah, I was like, you know, you look, why would I come home if you don't have this AC fixed? You piece of shit, et cetera. You punched it and it fell off. Yeah, I had broke, I should mention, I was trying to keep the house at 59. So I kind of overused this system.

Industrial strength, coldness. Cause well I wanted it that cold because I needed to have the windows open. Cause I like the fresh air. So yeah. Fresh hot air. Fresh hot air mixed with the 59. Plus 80.

Yeah. It's a beautiful, it's like 68. And the fireworks that I talked about, I was setting off bottle rockets in the backyard. Yeah. And the dogs were sort of freaking out. Right. But I I talked about, I was setting off bottle rockets in the backyard. Yeah. And the dogs were sort of freaking out. Right, but I was freaking out because I was barking at them to try to show

that I'm the big dog, I'm the alpha. So I was barking loudest of all. And you have a fear of fireworks as well. Yes. You would light it and sprint into the house. I'm a pyromaniac, but I hate loud noises. So I would light the bottle rocket. I would hear the fizz, see the spark.

I enjoyed that. And then if it went up, I'm would hear the fizz, see the spark, I enjoyed that. And then if it went up, I'm like, don't pop, don't pop, don't pop. Then yeah, inevitably, undoubtedly, it would pop. And I would be frightened. And I would be scared. And you'd be crying, inconsolable.

Gemma also crying. Also crying, but my tears, I'm actually forming the memories, like I'll remember these tears. So my tears are more important. Gemma won't even understand. She wakes up and she's like, what happened last night?

I don't get it. You could hand Gemma a popsicle and she'll be fine. And I guess to be fair, that works on me as well. And I was housing popsicles. Yeah, you like a lolly. You'll often just like a frozen little lolly. Yes. Like they'll just be able to freeze a Tootsie Roll pop

and give it to you. You can find solace in that. That's my, I like a lolly. I like a stuffy. I to freeze a Tootsie Roll pop and give it to you. You can find solace in that. That's my, I like a lolly, I like a stuffy. I do like a lovey. I like to, I can't really fall asleep in this. You like a binky. I like a binky. You like a binky and a blanky.

And I like breast milk at the end of the day. So we're not that dissimilar, are we? So anyway, then I, yeah, I had, we had to go to Walmart at like 1045 at night to get a fan so Gemma could like, get back to sleep. And I was I was just like, he for some my dad like wanted, I was like, I can do this by myself. I'm you don't have to come. He's like, No, I'll come. I'll come. I think he like felt

bad about the AC. But we were like walking into into Walmart. It's like, man, how many times have you done this? Does this bring back memories? And he was like, yeah, yeah, it was always something. You're driving off to an Indian casino. Dad, you said you'd buy a van. I'm going to drop you at Walmart. You can walk back, right? You've done this a million times, you said. No, I was trying to you at Walmart. You can walk back, right? You've done this a million times you said No, I was trying to bond with you yeah, and I'm trying to win us some cash so I can fix the AC pop You get that I got a good feeling All right. This is segments on a podcast ever-changing Swiss Army nice a knife of shows

a podcast, ever-changing Swiss Army, nice, a knife of shows as they say in the theme song sometimes. Here's a segment idea I had. I found a menu. Good for you. From the 1700s. Oh. Oh shit.

And the food sounded, let's just say, a little bit funny. What's the restaurant called? It wasn't a restaurant, it was like a recipe for a dinner party. I think this predates restaurants. Yeah, okay. There were no restaurants in the 1700s. Correct.

The first restaurant was a diner in 1949. Mel's Drive-In in Los Angeles was the first restaurant. That's right. So this is a list of dishes from a magazine or a book called The Experienced English Housekeeper published in 1786. Okay, got it. So it's like, hey, are you entertaining royalty?

Here's 25 different things you should slash can make. And they sound absurd, so I'm gonna give you some real ones as well as some fake ones that I added in because I couldn't resist myself. Let's start with right at the top, number one. I'll tell you this one is real just so you can, I get acclimated to what kind of foods these are.

Yes, I'll give you the first four actually because they're kind of foods these are. Yes. I'll give you the first four actually, because they're kind of silly. All right, wow. There's 25. Yeah. Okay, ready? Number one is transparent soup.

Oh, so that's, I mean, just like a chicken noodle. I guess broth. Yeah, thin broth, okay. Yeah, okay. Got it. Number two is fricass, F-R-I-C-A-S apostrophe D, fricasse chickens. Fricasse chickens, is that preparing

in some kind of French manner, I assume? Yeah, or fried or something. Oh yeah, of course. Number three is just the word haricot. I don't know if that's an animal or a type of leaf. You know like haricot vert, you'll sometimes see that on a menu. So that's just the haricot part.

And number four is pigeons comporte. Pigeons. I've heard comporte. I actually, I ate pigeon when I was in Paris. Okay. And I did get violently ill. I don't know if it was from the pigeon. I did have pigeon pie.

Yes. And I got food poisoning, not necessarily from the pigeon pie, but let's just say it didn't feel very good coming up either way. Do you know what I'm saying? It definitely didn't help your food poisoning. Yeah.

It wasn't the antidote. Right, no, no. The antidote was oatmeal. All right. So here it comes. Ready to fly. To the first 50-50 shot. Okay.

Pork Griskins. Pork Griskins. I feel like- Griskins with a G. Hmm? Griskins? Pork Griskins. Griskins. G-R-I-S. I feel like you wouldn't have corrected me

if you hadn't come up with it. So I'm gonna guess it's- Now you're just playing the game. I'm guessing that's you. No, that's an actual item on the menu here. Pork Griskin's is number eight. Nice, what is that? I don't know, it's not a link,

it's just a really blurry image of the book. Right, okay. Here's a good one. Broccoli and C. And C is just ampersand and the letter C. Okay, well I don't think you would have said here's a good one unless you came up with it. That one's you also.

That one's on the real list of dishes. Of course. Broccoli and C. Of course. I don't know what the C stands for, but I guess it was so obvious they didn't have to finish the word. That'd be good.

I mean, broccoli and cheese. Small ham. I just think every single one of these is you. Small ham, that is you. That's a real one as well. Are they all real? Are they just all real? They're all gonna be real. Number 15 on this list. Salad with two L's. That one's real. Correct. Nice. I just think they're all real is the thing.

Number 20 on this list. Ox palates. ox palates. Ox palates. That's kind of boring. That's real. Correct. What is that like tongue, ox tongue, like a palette? I get, I don't know.

Ox cheek, something in the mouth. Yeah, palette or I don't know, a palette or maybe it's like a lot of it or something. Yeah, that's just what it's served to you on. Right. Chicken fashion. Chicken fashion. Nothing is hotter right now than chicken fashion.

Than chicken fashion. Yeah, men everywhere are wearing beaks. I'll have, yeah, I'll have a sandwich. Can I have it in the chicken fashion? Can I get an old-fashioned in a chicken fashion? That's the new fashion Chicken fashion feels I guess I think it's I guess I think they're all real. That's my new theory Real that one's me. Gotcha. Damn, damn. Okay, all right, this really is throwing my game. I'm trying to not give you a pattern

so you can't fucking feel it. By the way, speaking of chicken, I tried your egg cracking technique. And? It didn't work for me. Really? The first one, I didn't crack hard enough, and when I peeled it, like I got shell

and goop all over my fingers. So I peeled it, like I got shell and goop all over my fingers. So I'm like, I guess I'll crack it even harder. And the second one I cracked on the counter too hard and it kind of spilled open on the counter. Like how much of it spilled open? Maybe 10%. I mean, that's not bad.

You get it down to like under 5%. I think that's- But if I use a knife into the shell over the pan so far has been my best version. And I don't have to clean anything up and it gets a nice, I still need the thin ridge to crack it over. What about, talk to me about instead of a knife, a spoon,

holding the egg, hit it with a spoon. That's, if you can get that down. But you want me to hit it with the blunt side of a spoon. I'm saying you slice into it. I don't think you need to slice. I need the, I need the slice. I need the crack. I need a crack that's not a blunt impact.

You need a bread knife. You need to saw the egg in half. Yes, exactly. You don't like to lose any of the egg, huh? That's full circumference. Yeah, I can't lose any of the egg. Eggs are $10 a dozen at this point. Every 10% counts.

Wow. Beef olives. Beef olives. Beef olives. I'm just gonna go based on the fact that that sounds kind of good. And I'll say that's real. Correct.

Nice. And I would love a beef olive, truly. Mock turtle. Mock turtle, that- Of the chicken fashion. I guess mock turtle sounds so dumb that I think you came up with it, but then it's also so insanely dumb that I don't know if you would have come up

with the phrase mock turtle. Like turtle fashion would be more, yeah. I'll say that's real. Correct. Nice. Stranded cheese. Ooh, stranded cheese on the first listen, it sounds like it's like lonely cheese,

neglected cheese, stranded cheese that was left alone. Yeah, stranded cheese. It's just, it's strands of cheese, of course. And that's incredible. That's the C in broccoli and C. So let's say that's real. Broccoli and C. That one is fake.

I made up stranded cheese. Damn, damn, that was smart. The cheese stood alone. Okay, a few more. The cheese stands alone. Four number cakes. Four number cakes. So that's kind of like four layer, four number,

that's real. Fake, I made it up. Dick, you dick. All right, last one. Yeah. Sheep's rumps and kidneys in rice. Ooh, the in rice really screams you. Sheep's rumps.

I don't think rump is a word that would come to you though. I'm gonna say that's real as well. That is correct. It's real. Sheep rump. Nothing's tastier than that. Put a little stranded cheese on there. Oh, maybe. You've got yourself a chicken fashion. I forgot the best real one. I was saving to the end and now it's too late. So I'll just tell you it's real. But this one is really funny. Number five, cod sounds like little turkeys. What?

I'm gonna search it. Cod sounds like. I sent you the menu over text, cod sounds like little turkeys. Okay, but what's... So I looked it up and then it said, there was this explanation slash recipe. To dress cod sounds like little turkeys,

boil your sounds as for eating, but not too much. Take them up and let them stand until they are quite cold. Then take a force-meat of chopped oysters, crumbs of bread, a lump of butter, nutmeg, pepper, salt, and the yolks of two eggs. Fill your sounds with it. Skewer them up in the shape of a turkey, then lard them down each side as you would do a turkey's breast. Dust them well with flour, this is all one sentence. Dust them well with flour and put them in a tin oven

to roast before the fire and baste them well with butter. Colon, when they are enough, pour them on oyster sauce. Three are sufficient for a side dish. Semi-colon, garnish with barberries. Semi-colon, it is a pretty side dish for a large table. For a dinner in Lent. Oh my God. People used to have so much time.

By the way, that sounds incredible. That sounds so good. Cod sounds? You should send this to Jill. Like little turkeys? Can we for dinner, can you just dress the cod sounds like little turkeys? I know you were gonna roast salmon tonight. I know we were gonna order a pizza,

but it's their world. You can just force meet the chopped oysters in a lump of butter and skewer in the shape of a turkey then lard them with each side. Colon, babe, semicolon, please. It's a pretty side dish for a dinner and lent. I know you wanted to do sushi, but can you just baste them well in a tin oven to roast them before the fire? I'm begging you.

Like little turkeys, Jill. Come on. Doesn't that cod sound pretty good to you? Doesn't it sound like a little turkey? Good stuff. Good stuffing. What does a cod sound anyway? I think it's just cod, right? They're just adding words to stuff. I'll search cod sound. I'm not sure. Cod sound. Whoa, this cod sounds like a little turkey. Listen to it. Yeah, there's not really, it's just a lot of like,

did I mean cod and sound. Yeah, I think it's. It really is. It's a dinner and lent is what it is. Yeah, exactly. There's the other sounds for Cod. I don't think that's it. You can, all right.

We'll look it up later. For sure. Good segment. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our program. A major gracias indeed. And a common Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our program. A major gracias indeed. And a common Squarespace W. Oh yeah.

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You mentioned we're dangerously close to doing another live show, a live podcast. That's right, dangerously close. Which reminded me how we used to do live shows that weren't a podcast. We just did skits and sort of games in character from our Jake and Amir web series. Yeah, it was like in between, I guess pre podcast,

we didn't have any live shows that we did on our own though. They're all with college humor. It was like, we would do sketches as Jake and Amir, or we would host the show as Jake and Amir, introduce different standups. But then for London, we got some opportunity where we could be in the Soho theater, and it was like, okay, let's just go,

let's Jake and Amir go with Streeter, it's not a college humor thing. And we'll, you know, we'll host for, or we'll open for half hour, and then Streeter will close with half an hour. Which was great if you were a Jake and Amir fan because it's like, oh, these guys from the videos are doing silly things for the videos,

but we never really intended for strangers to view these, let alone a reviewer, like newspaper reviewers to watch it. It was always an interesting thing. Like a 50-year-old arts critic. Like the CollegeH interesting thing. Like a 50 year old arts critic. Like the College Humor Live thing that we would do at universities. It was always like, if we went to a college where there were a lot of Jake and Amir fans,

our portion would do really well because we're basically, you know, I feel like our series is essentially inside jokes. You have to know and appreciate all of the episodes up until that point because we're hosting the show in character and sometimes like we would crush and it would go really well and we would do even better than some of the stand-ups. Like these are big name stand-ups too but then sometimes we'd go somewhere where we didn't have a lot of fans and our opening act would be so bad and nobody, because nobody knew who we were.

And then, you know, the standups would crush. But this idea for us to go to London and basically just do a show for our fans, it was solid. It was like, all right, we don't have to have a standup to like cover us. We're just gonna be Jake and Amir and Streeter. It's college humor.

Fans of the show will come to the show. And we basically wrote this show for hardcore fans. And then for some reason, somebody from The Guardian came to review the show. And we're like, oh, I wonder if they'll like it. Like, I mean, people are all laughing. It is technically comedy. It's funny, yeah.

So this is what this guy, Brian Logan, wrote about our comedy show 11 years ago. June 2013. Does that mean we actually had just started the podcast? Yeah, I think we started the podcast in May of 2013 or something. Interesting, so we had like just,

we'd just started the podcast. That was, so we wouldn't have done a podcast live show. I feel like this turned this guy into a fan. So Brian, if you're listening, let us know if like you were listening to the podcast before the show or if this sort of inspired you to check out the podcast and you're still listening. Wow, it looks like he's still writing for The Guardian.

He just reviewed Paulina Lenoir, Puella Eternal Review, Flamenco Clown Takes Us From Cradle to Grave. So a show about a Flamenco Clown. How many stars did that one get? That one got three. That one got three to R2. I just want to show you.

You have to look at this image from the show. Helena Lenoir. I mean this is a real artist. This, she's putting it all out there. That was three stars. It's costumes, it's staging, it's acting. Anyway, this is what Brian Logan said about us. Two stars.

Two star review. Jay Kerwitz and Amir Blumenfeld are a double act who make sketches for the US website, collegehumor.com. On the strength of this live, on the strength of this live outing, one fears for the state of American education. Yes, I see. So he's saying the show was so dumb

that I'm worried about their, like not only Jake and Amir's level of education, but like if this was like, cause if they went to normal high schools and colleges, well, he's tying it back to college humor. He's like, oh, if this is, if this is America college humor, then, then I fear for the education. It's a really nice turn of phrase. So we have to applaud Logan for that. We don't have to agree with the two stars, but it's an eloquent sentence. It's much better than the cod sounds recipe, which I think also came from the UK. Brian's great great grandmother wrote, the evening starts on screen with Jake singing a song about a man sucking his dick. Soon, Amir is rapping about

a woman being, quote, ankle deep in my semen. So he's not pulling any punches. This article, in the first paragraph, he's kind of giving you all of the warning signs, the red flags. If you think that this description of exactly what happens on stage is uncouth, the show is not for you. But it is true. We did start with the Stoney song, the Milkman song. Yeah, that was how we came out. I think we, yeah, we played, we, from backstage, we start, we just played that video that starts with,

listen up everybody, this is the guy that sucked my dicks, this has sucked my dick. Instantly, instantly write into it a song about it. It was weeding out the true fans from the Brian Logans of the world. What must Brian Logan have been thinking when he's sitting in his seat, has a nice little drink, he's ready to enjoy some theater.

He has a journal and a miniature pencil. A moleskine. Now what's going on in America? Let's find out. These chaps seem bright. Listen up everybody. This is the guy that sucked my dick. And then fucking raucous laughter all around him.

It crushed. It did well. He didn't know that that was based on a video we did. Not that that would help him anyway. But it really was like, this is a song. It's an auto tune. I'm not actually singing that. That's our Icelandic friend Stoney.

I'm just yelling it. And then he's not also wrong about, we come out and then one of our first bits is to do a rap battle and I quote, lose myself sort of rapping. And it ends with me saying a woman is ankle deep in my semen, which you in character, like what the hell is wrong with you?

How can you say that? We weren't like both laughing at the idea. It was me in character, losing himself in a rap battle. So you could see how being ankle deep in semen is kind of a funny, I don't know, way of like securing. Yeah, that's like the landing point where you were like, yeah, you basically go so hard at me in this rap battle that by the end,

I think you're actually saying that I'm ankle deep in your semen. So Brian Logan wasn't paying perfect attention at the top of the show apparently. They're redeeming features, writes Brian, and paying perfect attention at the top of the show, apparently. Their redeeming features, writes Brian, are that they're cheerfully making one another laugh and unaffected in their enthusiasm to share that with an audience largely formed, it seems,

of their diehard fans. So he's like, why is everyone laughing? They must be in on an inside joke. I don't really know what our understanding is. Okay, so he's like, why is everyone laughing? They must be in on an insight joke. I don't really know or understand. Okay, so he's kind of acknowledging that we're having a good time and the audience is having a good time. He's saying that the show was bad,

even though the performers and the audience love it. Okay. But there's little here for outsiders, which I agree with. Right, me too, me too. Hurwitz is the straight man recounting Blumenfeld's supposedly outer behavior on their flight over. Blumenfeld reads a poem about his top 10 London experiences so far, I think he means a scroll,

and it just came off as a poem. Yeah, because they do often rhyme. So it is, yeah, we speak in limericks. Most of which involves trips to fast food restaurants. They cackle a lot as they find various ways to repackage tales of puerile behavior as comedy. That's true, that's true. There's a lot of episodes that is just recounting things

that you've done or watching you do things. So yeah, I actually don't take any any issue with that. I also remember the opening joke, still one of my favorite jokes that we've told. Remember the, we just got in from New York and you say, and boy are my arms tired as I was masturbating the entire flight. Yeah, which is clever, but again, also about semen, oral sex. Right, it's there.

And it often was, it often was. Yeah. He talks about street or stand up, we could skip that part. He calls it competent. Doesn't be like, he doesn't hate it as much as ours said because, you know, Streeter was just doing actual standup. Yeah, that's fair. But then he says,

there's no spike in quality for the show's final third, which is a quiz about American news, food and TV, in which two audience members compete to avoid singing a Katy Perry song on stage. The whole game is predicated on the unremarkable insight that the US pop culture can be cretinous, much like British, which by the end of this show, we hardly need telling. Okay. Yeah. I guess I do agree with him on that point. I felt like the show, I think our section of the show that we wrote was pretty good, but maybe it's a little trite for us to go over

to the UK for the first time and be like, our countries are a little different. Yeah, what was the game? I think it was just like shameful American trivia. That was a game we used to play at College Humor Live. It was called Shameful Trivia. And it would be like, you know, a picture of all the guys in one direction. And it's like, can you name all of these men? And the idea was... Like guilty pleasures. Like, oh man, I'm embarrassed, but I do, I know all of these dudes' names or something.

Yeah. I remember one of the questions was an image of the Bang bus and it was like, do you know what this bus is? And you could win shameful trivia by admitting that you knew all this stuff. And I think you won, you might've won something as lame as like a busted tease gift card.

So for this, we kind of repurposed it to the whoever lost had to sing a Katy Perry song. Which, you know, fine. But I think that there is something to there was I always felt like there was something a little bit off about like the the end of our show the, being a random audience member sing a song. Because if they do it great, then it's amazing. There was a few times where it was really high energy. And then there were a few times, because we did 10 shows, there were a few times where

like somebody was just shy and they're like, well, I don't really know any of the words. And it's sort of Peter's out. Thanks for coming everybody. Yeah. So like, we're not above criticizing ourselves. Yeah, I think we could have, if you know, after we did 10 shows at the, by the end, I think we probably could have diagnosed

shameful trivia wasn't the highlight. It was more, it was more in like the Jake and the Mirror stuff up top. We could have done. A good filler. Yeah. For sure, for sure, for sure. So overall we don't disagree with Brian.

We just didn't necessarily need him to tell us that at the time. Yeah, and actually, you know, we eventually, when we, I think when we went to JFL, like it might've been like five or six years ago, we reworked this segment. Do you remember the bit we did about the differences between Canada and America?

Which was much more- Yes, that was a better version of this. We subverted it a lot more. We were like, in Canada, you guys use the Celsius system. What is that? And in America, we have, everybody has a gun. So it was like something.

Right, it's like quirky little things. Like in Canada, you spell color C-O-L-O-U-R. Huh, what's that about? In America, the number one killer for children is bullets. Yeah. That's a lot worse than the little things for Canada. Yeah, yeah. You guys spell color weird and we don't things for Canada. Yeah, yeah. You guys spell color weird

and we don't have health insurance. Yeah, exactly. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. So that was more clever. We got, I think we got better despite, Logan probably would have loved if we just fucking quit, huh? Honestly, I would fucking love to invite Logan

to our segments live show, the one that we ended up doing. Like, look how much we've grown as auteurs slash comedians. I wonder if you would enjoy hanging out with us. I feel like they would. Our onstage persona was non-grata. I wouldn't even wanna hang out with those people. But to hang out with us after the show,

it's like, oh, these guys are, you know, kind of well-intentioned, kind-mannered comedians sort of paralyzed by their own online success, forcing their hand to do really crass, loud, weird sketch comedy on tour. Yeah, like, hey, Logan, we don't understand this shit either. They just love when I talk about getting my dick sucked. And it's bizarre.

I love Monty Python. Like, don't think that I only watch jackass. Nuttap, Logan. I watched Mr. Show and I also watched jackass. We do really, we skew blue. We do really just say we see we skew blue we do that's fine that's fine there's there's a place for us I also remember that I was I had I was on crutches and my knee scooter during this trip do you remember that? Yes you you fractured your heel like a month before we left yeah

and I would like, but I didn't wanna like go out on stage on crutches. So I would like be on the scooter or the crutches backstage with my foot elevated. And then it was time to do the show. I would like take three steps to a stool and sit there and just kind of pretend that everything was fine. And then we did a meet and greet afterwards

and I was on crutches and everyone was like, did you just hurt yourself? Like backstage or something? But you flew with the scooter. I flew with the scooter. I flew with the scooter and my cool crutches. And we had to wheelchair you. We had to wheelchair you through the airport or something.

Oh yeah. You wouldn't allow the scooter. Yeah, yeah. I had to like, the scooter had to go through security separately so I had to, yeah, you pushed me on a, no, I had an aid that pushed me on the wheelchair, right? That's the highlight of your fucking life. That was you got you had clear before it was clear. You had TSA pre.

Yeah, they wheeled you to the front of every line. You were able to go to Disneyland and just cut every idea. When we got into when we got to Heathrow, somebody wheeled me to the front of every line. You were able to go to Disneyland and just cut every- When we got into, when we got to Heathrow, somebody wheeled me to the front of customs. And I just like got out sitting in my chair waiting for you guys. That was awesome. All right, let's get Brian Logan on the show.

Brian, if you're listening, reach out. We're still huge fans. Thank you to Helix for sponsoring this episode of our show. Yeah, baby. Jake, you sleep on a Helix mattress. You understand that it's the goat. I do. I've been saying they are the goat for a long time now

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Yeah. Like to a new thought? Yeah, like a transition. Like changing subjects anyway? Design is a cinch, you could just drag and drop. They have like award-winning templates and customer award-winning Like their templates have won awards Yeah, like it looks awesome. It's a professional way to make a design. Yeah, what's what's that mean?

You don't know what anything means You're dumb man Yeah, you hinted at that earlier actually. And even you've built an online store, even you've made a portfolio, even you've made an event website. That's right, that's right, that's right. You could purchase a domain name through Squarespace.

So if there's a.com that's been on your mind, like Jake for example, what can people buy? Flipjake.com, flipjake.com. Who's dumb now dude? Who's the stupid one now? What is it? Have you ever heard of a flapjack? Yeah. Well have you ever heard of a flipjake with two i's instead of a's? Flipjake? I don't think so. What's that? It's my new flap flip. What about flapjake.com? Let me see if that's available. I really doubt it is. That might be mine.

Yeah, cause it's like flapjack, but it's like your specific brand of pancakes. Shit, flapjack. Flapjack is available. I'll take it. It's actually good. That's mine. So buy flapjack.com.

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It is beautiful and it's simple and it's affordable and it's all because of Squarespace. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Guess what everybody? I went into the archive and I was actually able to pull up Brian Logan's favorite show that he's ever seen. I have the original transcript of our London show from 2013. This is the one that you sent to the Smithsonian in the Hollywood Walk of Fame. That's right, yeah. Both emails bounce back.

This is on the National Registry of Historic Documents. It's this, the Dead Sea Scrolls and the Emancipation Proclamation. That's correct. So we open with Stoney's song, the auto-tune, Suck My Dick, et cetera, et cetera. It absolutely crushes. And then I come out and I say,

wow, thank you guys so much for coming out to see us at the SoHo Theater in London, we're your hosts, Jake and Amir. And for those of you who don't know, I don't wanna say we're best friends. Because we're not. That joke always did well. Yeah, because that was the characters.

That was a staple. I don't wanna say we're best friends, because we're not. Yeah, because we're more than that. We're like, what's above soulmates? We're inside each other. So it's already, yeah. And then I say, poor choice of words.

Relax, it's not like they can understand us. What are you talking about? We're in a foreign country, Dilwit. It's called a language carrier. It's called a language barrier, and it's not one. We're in England where they speak English. So everyone can understand what I'm saying, even if it's to their face.

Especially if it's to their face. Especially if it's to their face. So when the lady at the front desk told me our room wasn't ready and asked me to sit in the lobby. And you said, I'll sit in the lobby if you sit on my face. Yeah, she understood that. But she said, excuse me, like she couldn't understand. She couldn't understand how one human being was talking to another like that. By the way, you also went like this, which anybody could understand if they didn't speak your language.

I guess what I'm saying, you went like this. I'm like doing some kind of like miming, putting a vagina on your mouth or something. Yeah, yeah. I mean, so far this is funny, even if you don't know who we are, I think. Maybe it was just that he felt like he was on the outside because he wasn't laughing.

He's like, this is obviously just for their hardcore fans, but in reality it was for any Joe Schmo to walk in, coming from White Hart Lane down to Soho, why not? And then I said, relax dad, sorry mom. And then gear shift, hey, we are happy to be here. We love London. We actually had an awesome time exploring your city today. And I said, we went to this motherfucker

streaked Trafalgar Square. You, and then, oh wow, this is also from the old CH Live. Yeah, and I say, well, you did get completely naked, but you didn't streak anything. This is just us recounting a crazy thing you did, I guess. Yeah. I stopped for a few seconds to ask for directions. You walked completely nude into a Pret-a-Manger

and ordered a dozen bagels. I was carbo loading for the streak. It's a very long square. Well, you were fully erect. Bagel holder. That also always did well. Which I still say is really a solid punch line. It's very visual, Brian.

Look at for the, this one, I actually didn't think, I don't like reading this one back. I'm like, this isn't that funny to me, but you talking about your erect penis being a bagel holder did also, or did always do pretty well. Also the idea of someone going streaking and stopping for directions is funny. Yeah.

Then you say, are you done? Yeah, are you done shaming me? I know, you know I'm very tired. It's not easy flying from America to Europe. No, I'm not done shaming you because you don't travel very well. Bullshite, I'm a frequent flyer. I remember this was really hard

because I had this really long story to remember, which I just get to read now. That's what you told the stordas. You said, I'm a platinum member. I swear to cod. Wow, cod sounds. I swear to cod, you fishy bitch. I've logged a million miles and I deserve a seat upgrade.

When she refused, you said, you don't offer first-class flights to men in uniform. You pulled off your pants, revealing no uniform at all, just your genitals. You then said, ever heard of a purple heart? Well, this is a hurtful shart. You bent down and with all your might mustered up, nothing. Then when they closed the cabin doors, you shrieked, holy shit, this thing goes in the air. You started running around like a scared rat trying to burrow your way into the cockpit. You said, I'm the only guy in the world I trust to fly this bus.

Finally, an air marshal came over to subdue you, but when he tased you, it somehow only made you stronger. You held it against your own body, screaming and electrocuting yourself. You then said, who wants to become a member of the mile high pub? Pulled out your flaccid, you pulled out your flaccid penis,

stuck the tip in a beer bottle before shrieking room for one whore. Then you fainted in the aisle. A doctor on board pronounced you dead and the whole plane cheered. People made arrangements to have your body publicly shamed in Iceland during our layover and returned to the States. But just as we landed,

you shot awake and did a terrible Borat impression. My wife. And yes, now I'm done shaming you. That one also, that story also did really well because it's like both impressive that you said it all the way through, hopefully without messing up and then it ends on a Borat joke, which people seem to like.

Yeah, I have like such a vivid memory now of like all of the benchmarks. And I would like kind of lock in where I was in the story after I like, you know, hurtful shark. I mustered up nothing. I'm like, okay, that's a quarter of the way. Also, I think we repurposed parts of this stuff for a video once, remember?

Like I tried to pop a squad on a cop car and couldn't shit or something like that. Yeah, for sure. And then it goes into a scroll, top 10 ways to enjoy British holiday, even though your best mate is being a bit of rubbish. Man. People like the scrolls.

Yeah. That was another absolute hit that the guy was very confused about. He called it a poem, which makes sense. It's a scroll or a list. Well, we call it out in the show what it is. Yeah. Should we read this whole thing?

Yeah. Let's, we can go through, go through the scroll real quick. Okay. This is a top 10 ways to enjoy a British holiday, even though your mate is being a bit of rubbish. Number 10, check out Big Ben right by the River Thames. The numbers and rods both confused and excite. I'm stupefied and miffed, but filled with delight. What do they mean?

Murmurs the neighborhood. The seventh wonder of the world. Yeah, it's that good. It's a clock, not a mystery. Number nine, time to dine. I'm sorry, did you say clocks confuse you? That a regular analog clock is a mystery to you? Time to dine, sample the local cuisine,

if you know what I mean, 20 piece chicken nugget. Now that's a meal fit for a queen. Oh yeah, Logan did not like this part, the nuggets. Why do you think McDonald's is local cuisine? Ever heard of bangers and mash? Well, I'm a stranger with cash. You said nuggets Number eight London is great cue up at a McDonald's and have a full English breakfast. That's chicken nuggets sounds quite boss Hold the chicken. I'll just take the skin and the sauce. That's the Aussie philosophy. And I'm down undone. We're in London, not Australia. If you're just going to nitpick the list, I'll stop reading it.

Great. Number seven. This city is heaven. With so many sights and sounds to see, I think I'll start with a DVD. Say Terminator 3 with mini me. Terminator 3 doesn't star Verne Troyer. And if you're watching a movie, you're not really seeing any of the sites, are you? Number six, I'm gramming some pics. We've had so many people in these places.

I've got to throw an Instagram filter on these faces. Now, give me a tap and double tap. Give me, oh, I think you, we meant to say give me a dap and double tap. That's the, that's so you can like it. Give me a dap and double tap. Yeah. I'm not gonna double tap.

It's a picture of your shit. So I guess you show me your phone. Which I took at a fancy restaurant. It was a gastropub and I'm an asshole schlub hashtag foodie. Nah, hashtag duty. Imagine Logan leaving now, but he's stuck it out. He's just in the middle of a long row, so he feels bad leaving.

Can you please delete that? It looks like you have 90 negative comments begging you to take it down. Number five, go to a dive. The pubs in this town can't be beat. There's one with golden arches just down the street. Again, you're talking about a McDonald's. Number four.

Oh, how is it that you keep reading? You won't change anything? So I guess maybe I rip up the list at some point. Oh, interesting, yeah. Number four, England's a bore. Why haven't I done anything in this town but eat American fast food and watch shitty movies in my hotel room? I could have done that at home.

That's the first honest thing you've said on the list. England's not a bore, you're just an asshole. Number three, you're the asshole to me. How did you know I was gonna say that? Did you write that on the list? Holy shit, you did, you wrote it down. Oh, I grabbed the list so I'm looking at it as you're reading it.

Got it, magical realism. Number two, it's me and you. We're in a foreign country for crying out loud with our whole damn crew. We got straighter in me and you and our friends. Let's just enjoy it because we might not have this opportunity again. Life is handing us two choices, yes or no.

What's your preference? I chose the road less traveled and that has made all the deference. Damn, that was amazing. Yeah, dude, let's do this. Let's run this town together. Number one, matching tattoos. Done and done.

It's the London eye on this guy's brown eye. You want me to tattoo a Ferris wheel on my asshole? You already said yes, you already agreed. Next up on our date, how about we partake in some weed, some wacky backy for this tacky Jackie. So you're changing your name to Jackie. We both are. Matching tattoos for these dashing fat Jews make the ladies...

Yeah. Brian Logan, I'm sorry. Matching tattoos for these dashing fat Jews make the ladies snatch drip juice. Oh, and our names match too. We're the Tacky Jackie sisters. The Tacky Jackie sisters. The Tacky Jackie Sisters. Okay, stop it enough. Your rhymes are offensive, crass, immature, lewd, rude. Thanks, my dude.

And then this goes into a freestyle, which we'll save that for another day, okay? Oh yeah, there's only so much blue humor we can cram into one podcast. Yeah, I mean, my good God, my absolute God. And your family would sometimes come to these shows and I would do this kind of stuff. For sure, they've seen it all.

Were you ever embarrassed about that? No, I mean, like they, yeah, I wasn't embarrassed about it. They've seen it all, they support me. I was able to compartmentalize what happened on stage and who I was off stage. Right, it would be sad if it was like that, but like four people in the audience and your family was half of that.

It was always, yeah, you could always hide, or you sheltered yourself from any criticism by the fact that it was going well. Like my parents would much like Brian Logan, they wouldn't necessarily like this on their own. But unlike Brian Logan, they they were able to see the reaction and be proud of me. Yeah, especially because like your parents said, three years before this, you were failing out of school and they didn't know what to do. This was a huge, this was a net win. We should mention by the way Logan is my uncle. I shouldn't say my family always supports me. Logan Brian

Hurwitz II. To boil salmon crimp, take out the blood and wash it well, lay it on a fish plate and put your, these recipes sound like one of the scrolls we would read. That's true. Garnish it with scraped horseradish and fennel. I think we did something like this in Lonely and Horny season two, right? Where Billy is your personal trainer

and he asks you what you eat and you and I had just ripped everything from 1800s and you and you're like mutton has. Yes, mutton has was a typo that we left in because we thought it was funny. It was originally mutton hash like corned beef hash but the way it was like auto corrected to mutton has. So mutton has the beginning of a sentence. What did you eat for breakfast today? A pot of boiled coffee and some mutton has. Mutton has.

OK. Yeah, that's a good one. I feel like Brian Logan would fucking love some of this shit. Some of it. He might like some of it. I mean, if you like the, if you like the, the Flamenco clown. Which he didn't. We also make that joke a lot. If you like that list, I hated it. Well, you're going to love this. Which he didn't. We also make that joke a lot.

Oh, if you like that list, I hated it. Well, you're gonna love this. Right, exactly. It's like barely listening. Brian Logan. This also reminded me that we, from the scroll, we're here in London with all of our friends. Do you remember we went with Streeter

and then he brought his, I think it was, he brought Vanessa, who was his girlfriend at the time, now he's married to, and then you brought a girlfriend, Kunal came, Carnell and Sarah Schneider came. We just like, we all went over even though only three of us were involved in the show and we just like went to London for a week. It was great. We turned it we turned into a fun group trip. Yeah, we partied every night No notes Unlike Brian, I'm not gonna apologize for shit For saying some single yeah. Yeah, some of this stuff the snatch drip juice is pretty offensive. Yeah Yeah, it didn't really elevate the comedy.

I don't think so. It sort of felt like a crutch at the time, to be sure. All right, thank you for listening. Thank you for watching. Of course, we're all recording these video audio-wise. You can listen and watch them on YouTube or just continue listening wherever the hell you listen to your podcasts.

Either way. But we're also watching slash writing Jake and Amir episodes on our patreon if you go to patreon.com slash ja you can watch hundreds of Jake and Amir watch Jake and Amir at this point yeah maybe we should write a long story one like the flight attendant because that was a lot of fun to read that's good yeah those ones much like the scrolls are almost more fun to write fun to read. That's good, yeah. Those ones, much like the scrolls, are almost more fun to write than to read. Yeah, it's true. And we'll be back, of course, next week.

Any segment ideas we should have, leave them as a comment below, suggest them, and we'll check them out. Yes. We're always in need of more fun segment ideas. Exactly. But for now, we'll see you need of more fun segment ideas. Exactly. But for now, we'll see you next week. Goodbye everybody.

Bye. That was a Hidgum Original.