If I Were You - 383: Ticklish Vagina

Episode Date: May 20, 2019

In this episode we discuss laughing during sex, new tools, and a Twitter draft so good, it's worth a Golden Mic award.Still some tickets left to see us in Chicago! Click here to join the party.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Like should you confront your shitty roommate Is your girlfriend cheating on you? Yeah, they tell you what they do if they were you Yeah, now when you reach the time Just start your favorite podcast They'll give you great advice But not before you're put on blast

You know, once you're finished If you had yourself some fun Then make sure to subscribe to their Patreon Yeah, holy shit That's right, you gotta make sure you subscribe to our Patreon I like a song that's an ad for our paid service Yeah, well did you like this song in addition to the message at the end Where they asked people to give us cash

That was nice, but the nicest part The most catchy, or should I say the most cashy No, I don't Was the request and the call out For people to open their hearts and their wallets Just their wallets Right, I don't care about their hearts actually That's fair, that's quite fair

This might be a first It was a cover of an original that he also wrote Wow, that's really cool The first is based off of Welcome to the Show I'm like, oh, I wonder if Jake knows that song And he goes, two originals that are in my new album Better Which will be released on Spotify Wow

It's an alt-pop punk album with elements of satire and comedy That our listeners will get a kick out of It's definitely up my alley, that's for sure His Spotify page is Gus Rachel's Which is his actual name The album is now out, Gus Rachel's Gus Rachel's sounds like a character we would name In a screenplay that we're writing

Yeah, because we sort of already did name somebody Eli Rachel Yes, we did Yeah, that's why you think that I didn't know if you wanted to let people fully in Like a peek behind the screen, peek behind the curtain You want to show them how the sausage is made No, not really

Just the character's name of Eli Rachel I'll divulge the plot of the show We break into act three when our hero realizes That there's something amiss on the rocket And I'm actually having trouble with the all is lost moment So please at me for why Eli I might crack the B story right now I'd hate for it to come across as a cliche love narrative

Indulge me on the villains arc Do you think as an old person you'll still love pop punk The equivalent of like old people today Listening to music from the 40s Yes, I do and I can tell you the reason is That I believe that I just went on a run through New York City Listening to Angels and Airwaves

Which is? It's Tom DeLong's other band Besides Blink 182, besides Boxcar Racer And is it just like about alien conspiracy theories That he has said to like pop punk music? It's a little more like dystopian positivity Melodrama I mean there's always a little like government conspiracy in there

Because it's a long after all But it's a little bit, it's like kind of pop punky But it's also a little bit more like grand and sweeping and epic It's hard to describe but it's so, it's so funny And I like, sometimes I'm just like Yeah, I like get a kick out of this But then I was running around to it Being like no, I guess I actually just

Genuinely love Tom DeLong That's me I question everything, question everything Everything's gonna be wrong Yeah, that's more like Blink Angels and Airwaves is like I know I am We are one love

Some weird shit like that So you 90 years old Listening to Blink 182 Your grandkids are like God, Grandpa is so embarrassing His music is so old fashioned and quiet and slow Yeah, they're listening to what? Like some kind of like brain implant Some sort of like techno trap music

Drake is still around maybe Yeah, well they'll be listening to What our grandparents call the music we listen to Which is just an alien screaming at the top of his lungs That's actually kind of what Angels and Airwaves is Hello, here I am I know, I know, I know Here you are, congratulations

Jesus Christ Yeah, it's great, it's great, it's good shit That's gonna be my unsolicited advice So everybody should wait up for that Is that a new band or an old band That like he did in the late 90s? It's post Blink 182 It's what he did like after Blink

I don't know if it's like still If they're still making music He should have called it Blink 183, right? Yeah, I wonder, he probably really wanted some separation from that Yeah, that's why you add one That's not a lot of separation, I don't think I think that's like one different Alright, Wink 181

That's a little bit better But that's just like a really bad pun, you know Yeah, how about Keep Your Eyes Open 12 You don't need to pitch a new name to Tom DeLong For his band Angels in Air They have like nine albums, it's too late Okay Wow, I've never heard you this upset

Like, I'm sorry but you're just being You're being a fucking douche about it And Tom's the man, he's actually the goat So you're not sorry, you said I'm sorry And then you said I'm being a douche and Tom's the goat Are you sorry? I apologize and I'm being an asshole And you're being an asshole, you're being a bigger asshole

So you're not I'm getting angry because you're being an asshole So I apologize for being so angry Are you sorry? But you're being an asshole Before I accept your apology, I have to know if you're actually sorry I'm not sorry to you, I'm sorry that this is happening I'm sorry that this is where we're at

So you aren't sorry for what you called me No, you deserve that and worse You're double down I'll dig my heels in and I apologize Okay About these unfortunate circumstances Which have me trapped in a podcast And in a relationship with you

A vile hater spewing vitriol About one of the coolest musicians of our generation Tom motherfucking DeLonge And Grant Do you know what 182 stands for and Blink 182? They believe it's just a random number That they added to the end Because there was a Scottish techno band called Blink

And they sent them a cease and desist And yes, people say that it's like a police code for streaking Or for murder or for some kind of weird thing But it is not, it is just a random thing that they added to not get sued By Scottish techno band Blink is what I believe I wonder if any of these police code things The 187, the 420s are actually police codes It seems like from what I've, the very little I've learned about

Police departments There's not really like cohesion across the board Like it feels like if maybe there's codes for specific ones Like in different towns and cities and counties and stuff But are there really like federal codes for everybody? That, I don't know Everything is bad check Yeah, nice

Okay, this is if I were you The only advice podcast, just an advice podcast on the internet Hosted by us, I'm Amir I'm Jake Well, here we are Here we are No, no, no We have some questions and answers

Is your brother still looking for questions and answers for us? Yes, he's back from Bali and he's on the job He's hunting down cues so we can give them a shout out to young Micah The young wolf, the future of House Hurwitz Let's see here Oh, here's one, this is a good one Funny, cunnilingus business from a man we'll call What do you got?

Travis Farker Give me another name Sure Harp Moppus Now let's do something else, different theme Okay, well I'm really struggling Because I don't know the guy from some 41's name Off the top of my head

Mr. Avril Lavigne writes, I'm a 24 year old guy from Texas and I got a quickie for y'all I was going down on my girlfriend the other night when while down there she started cracking up Whoa What was funny? Is this that she's just ticklish or am I just laughably bad? Also, have you ever had a partner start laughing during sex? What did you do?

I feel like that has happened to me And? Maybe somebody I was with was like laughing afterwards It really does, it'll get in your goddamn head But it turned out she was just laughing at what a tiny little insignificant cock I had So I was like, I was all freaking out I was like, oh my god, is she laughing at me? And then it just turned out that yeah she was

And then that she was just laughing because my dick was smaller In comparison to other men that she had been with Not only just that but it was honestly microscopic on a level where she had to laugh Despite herself Because my cock was like a tiny little joder And to others I imagine Let me, I've never done this before but I think we should take that For you, I think we should take that again

Did you not get that clean? It got it, it got it incredibly clean and clear I'll ask you again and you say that you don't think anyone's ever laughed at you during sex But I'm sure it's had before Yeah, alright, cause yeah, that answer was taking too much time And there's only a little small amount of time that we have And I don't need to drone on and on You're getting a cold from this

About my slender little cock The more you talk about it, I can feel like you're nose running I think I have seasonal allergies From that answer Alright, has a girl ever laughed at you during sex? Once cause my penis is micro That way I did it one and done nice and quick You can use that, you can splice together whatever answers you need

Well the first one was that The edit, the edit will, okay let's try, just give me one more option I don't know if a lady's ever laughed at me But I'm sure it's fine Alright, has a lady ever laughed at you in bed? I have a teeny little weenus Got it, okay Okay, you tell me if I've ever been laughed at

Never mind, you're getting that I've been a guffawed upon Of course Of course No, I can't remember now if it really happened Or if I was afraid of it happening or something But I think, I would imagine that there's probably like She's either ticklish or something else funny happened

Cause it, I don't, yeah I just don't, I just don't think that You are so laughably bad at going down on somebody that she would laugh Like that's not even funny, you know If you're really really bad, it's not funny Yeah, it is interesting that You never hear about ladies being ticklish down there But it's like a very sensitive area

But like armpits are very ticklish Right Maybe she could have a ticklish vagina I've definitely laughed when people were not like going down on No, yeah, I have laughed when people were going down on me Cause I've really ticklish I got a ticklish little pelvis Like just below my belly button

I'm very ticklish And if anybody puts their hands there I don't care how intimate the moment is I am laughing I'm cracking up Like a clown I wonder what the evolutionary purpose of being ticklish is It seems like a mistake in humans

The fact that like, there could be a serious moment But if you touch my ribs, I'll giggle Yeah, that actually, that has to be an error God didn't get it all right You mean, what do you mean God? Well, we were all intelligently designed by our creator Uh Yeah

Yeah, I guess He doesn't have a perfect batting average Cause he made us ticklish and he made my cock super small You think God made you, specifically Not just humans in general I think I was carved from clay And then he must have ran out So what he did was just sort of shove my pubes up into a point

And called it a day Yeah man, you could have taken a little off the top And added it to my peen region I'd rather be five foot six Hung like a fucking donkey Than six even And have a battery tip down there is all Battery tip

The fucking negative side too Uh, so what, what's funny he's asking And is she ticklish or am I just laughably bad I mean, you won't know until there's more data One, you can ask her Two, you can do it again and see what happens Jesus Christ Like the worst thing in the world is to like

I think show somebody your hand of like How much something ate away at you All you can do is just be like well prepared for next time If there isn't next time Well this is his girlfriend right So I imagine there'll be a next time Like when you go down on her again And she laughs you can ask

But you can't go up to her like a week later And be like so I was wondering Not that it's a big deal Why were you laughing when I was performing oral Because as soon it's just so clearly is a big deal How many times would a lady have to laugh That you're down there for you to finally say Out of curiosity, what's the deal here

Is it two, is it three, is it twelve Part of the things I would ignore at the first time Much like this guy did But then I, but just like this guy would probably weigh on me And if it happened again I would be like quick to ask Yeah Because you can't, you don't want to make like the situation Weird by rehashing it by bringing it up out of nowhere

And like she might not even remember And then like I just feel like there's a chance that you don't even get the closure that you want Because you're like why were you laughing She's like oh I don't know maybe something was funny Yeah maybe something was funny Was it me? Right and then you're just like okay well Alright let's watch Netflix

And then 20 minutes in you pause But what was funny I'm just wondering what was so funny Do you think I'm funny Like ha ha funny Because you were cracking up during third base A more embarrassing moment than that to crack up during sex Oh man

I, I guess that's really, that is definitely super intimate I think that there's maybe like another time when you're more emotionally vulnerable Like the first time that you say I love you or something Or confide like a really weird fetish or secret in That you're worried about being judged for That's probably the worst time Because at least this is like, I don't know It's always worse when you like have doubts about your performance or about something

And then they're confirmed by somebody laughing Maybe this guy wasn't like doubting himself But like the laughing made him So it's, it's a little more, you're on a little more even playing field You can kind of be like what's the deal, why are you laughing, you know Yeah, remember during friends when Ross first kissed Rachel and she was laughing Yeah, they would Why was she laughing?

Did I say? She's like, cause like this is, she's like this is so funny Like you're Ross and like I'm not used to this And then they eventually started like making out at the end of the episode And Ross goes you're not laughing And Rachel goes it's not funny And then that progresses them to sleeping with each other in a museum Ooh, that's awesome, that's really cool

So the porno version is that like Ross is going down on Rachel Which I've scripted If you'll read this manuscript, Mr. Schwimmer God it's 212 pages, you know that has to be cut for television, right? Well the majority of them are blanks that are sort of glued together with my seed So you're not gonna be able to read them all Why are you trying to add them to me then? I can't believe we're role playing where I'm David Schwimmer

The episode is called Schwimmer's Ear And you end up going down on Rachel so much that you get like an infection You have read my drafted tweets Schwimmer's Ear? Schwimmer's Ear is one of my, you know I haven't tweeted a joke in a couple of years, right? Yeah, you're sort of waiting for the perfect opportunity So I have a few, so every time I think of a joke that like old me would tweet I write it and save it as a draft

And Schwimmer's Ear is one of my saved drafts Do you think Ross from Friends ever gets Schwimmer's Ear? Yeah, that's exactly what it is I must have had that somewhere in the back of my brain I don't think we both came up with Schwimmer's Ear But let's see if anybody's tweeted Schwimmer's Ear before Yeah, I feel like that they must have That's one of the reasons why it wasn't enough to break the Twitter seal

Oh, you know what? Alex Watt in 2011 Our friend Alex Watt said if you think it sucks having Schwimmer's Ear Just think of how awful it must be to have Schwimmer's nose So that's pretty close Pretty close, it's definitely close And dare I say more clever? No, no way Well actually, you could say

I guess it might be more clever, but I feel like it takes a longer walk Mine appeals to the masses Yeah, I will say it doesn't have any likes Because he tweeted it like 10 years ago Maybe before he was even working at College Humor I also remember that I thought that I came up with the pun Huge Jacked Man for Huge Jackman But I searched it on the internet and other people had done it

So this isn't the first time It's hard to find a thing that other people haven't tweeted before Yeah That's why all my tweets are maximum 280 characters Stretch to the limit, filled with words nobody's heard of before Spelled in ways that are impossible to decipher That way, whenever you search them, they have to be the only one It's hard to search them though because there's no real words in there

Yeah, it's the rantings of a lunatic That's right Not unlike the manifesto I wrote for Ross Covered in spum Alright, so you say ask her only if it gets to be like That she does it over and over If it's a one-off, you never have to get to the bottom of it Yeah, I think as it stands now, let it go

But be finger on the trigger, ready to ask again Next time you go down and she laughs Alright, let's take a break We'll come back with more questions and answers after these messages Cool Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode But the entire headgum network, Jake

Wow That's correct I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift I think it actually is Yeah Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech-savvy family member That you need a gift for soon Mm-hmm

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You can upload as many photos as you want Directly into my parents' kitchen It's really nice Oh, that's cool So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby And then it goes to their digital photo Yeah, frame This is actually how we told Jill's grandma

She was pregnant We got her the Aura frame We plugged it in Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice, asshole This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife And you're trying to make a joke of it I was just being goofy a little bit

This is how I told my grandma she was pregnant Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that Or the way you said it was kind of like Could go either way By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant Oh my god Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant It's pretty cool

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That's betterhelphelp.com If I were you Check him out Thanks, BetterHelp And we are back Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lift to the fight Mom, I'm coming

Gross I sure do And you do too We are both coming out as liberal little cucks Who want to fight the abortion ban in Alabama So if you want to also do that I gave to yellowhammerfund.org That is a fund in Alabama

That is helping people get abortions That's right Yellowhammerfund.org Their first goal is to make sure that people Who are having later abortions Are able to afford their abortion care We've seen it all around Twitter You know what's going on

Alabama has taken great lengths To make sure that women don't have the right to choose Which is bad It's really bad What if people told us to chop off our dicks? Well, for you, it would be really, really hard To even find the damn thing That's enough

That's enough It's like cutting a hair That's smaller than a scissors How do you even get down there? Dude Dude What? It's not cool to say that I have a tiny penis

Yeah That's not I mean, you were talking earlier about your micro-bean So I figured, all bets were on I was talking about it I was talking about it Sorry It's kind of like how I can make fun of your micro-penis

But you can't Well, the opposite Because I can and you can't Right, right, right The URL again is yellowhammerfund.org So donate what you can Fight the power Damn the man

In this case, the men Because it was about 24 angry white male senators In Alabama that pushed the bill through To a female governor who signed it The hell is that? Damn That's all, it's all her fault So if you're still kind of sexist

You can blame the female governor While you donate to yellowhammerfund.org That helps, guys Should we answer some more questions? I just want to, here's my unsolicited advice If you are anti... Or if you're pro this like bill in Alabama You should put that in your tender hinge bio

You know? Oh That should be part of your bumble You should out yourself Yeah I think you really should You should be public facing with that shit And you should suffer the consequences

Yeah Or maybe find someone that agrees with you And the governor Oh, that's interesting You're saying like go on a date with the The septuagenarian governor of Alabama I don't know if she's available or whatever Cause I mean she's a terrible person

She might be a widow She could be a widow She might be single We don't really know that about her I can see that I can really see that actually Cool Well, yeah, that's my unsolicited advice

Speaking of Southern ladies Here's a question from a Southern lady We'll call her Belle As in a Southern Belle Let's do it The reason I'm writing is that I find myself in a bit of a predicament For demographic info

I'm a 27-year-old woman Medium attractive Christian I know you guys are Jews So you don't get it But I love Jesus I'm not a crazy person I voted for Hillary

But I've never had a boyfriend If you have any solutions to that problem Hit me with them But the main thing I'm wondering about Is that whenever I meet a guy Like literally every time Even if the situation isn't romantic I assess her compatibility

And very quickly find myself Imagining what life is together Even if I'm not that into him I have to play out the scenario If I do like the guy I act like a normal human being Albeit one who's bad at flirting But in my mind

I keep picturing us living happily ever after I know that this is completely illogical But does it make me a total psychopath? Is this dare I ask normal behavior? I need to know I need to know if this is cute daydreaming Or if I've crossed over full delusional psycho territory Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated

She's saying she pictures marrying people She goes on a date with And she's wondering if that's normal Yeah, not even date with Even in situations that aren't romantic at all She meets a guy And then she imagines What life would be like together

Yeah, I mean that's truly all I used to do When I was single And did it affect your dating behaviors Or did you sort of suppress those thoughts Forever and ever, I mean It probably affected my dating a little bit I feel like it doesn't really make you A great date partner

If you're like Vasilating between Committing to someone forever Or ghosting them So I think Yeah It probably makes you a little hard to pin down Yeah

Is this something that you can Wish you didn't do? Like would you say it's Not helpful? Can you actually convince your brain Not to think thoughts before you think them Is that how it works? I think, I mean

Well, personally I think no But I think what you can do is like Recognize what your brain does So like If I saw someone on the street And I was like Oh, that person could be my wife I was able to like

Communicate with myself And be like There you go Jake You're being crazy again And then like keep on walking It's not like I ran across the street Narrowly avoided being hit by a bus And like got down on my knee

Or even like tried to talk to any of these people I think that all you can do is Recognize your quirks and weirdness And be like And just kind of keep it in check Yeah, it's hard to like Convince your brain not to have thoughts The only thing you can do is not act on those thoughts

Until those thoughts stop Being thoughts to begin with Yeah, it's taking actions Based on your thoughts that makes you a crazy person Everybody has crazy thoughts That you can't control Yeah, so it's not crazy You're not a delusional psycho

Is it cute daydreaming? Yes Wow I'll say it's cute daydreaming Yeah I don't know, I think I'll stop short of cute daydreaming It's a little weird Yeah, but I mean it's

It's a little weird It's weird to the point where you wouldn't want to tell someone That you were fantasizing about it Yeah But not weird to the point where I'm like You should stop doing that Yeah, yeah Okay, so it's fine

As long as you don't tip your hand But maybe it is making you act a little weird around people But again, I don't know how to get you To stop thinking things Sometimes your brain is more powerful Than your brain How do you convince a thinking brain Not to think

Yeah, there's really no escape I guess you could just distract it It's kind of like saying Don't think of a purple elephant And of course you have to think of a purple elephant Not me I'm not thinking of one at all All right, so don't think of one

Don't think Do not think Do not think of a really small green giraffe Okay, just don't think of one Okay, I didn't All right All right, don't think of me with frosted tips Do not do that

Wow I actually, I was able to not do that too This is crazy I think I might be the smartest guy in the world I feel like everybody that's listening to the show right now Probably did think of all that stuff Yeah, I think you did too I think you're the biggest liar in the world

I don't think I'm a liar I think I'm the freaking man I didn't think of, I didn't even remember what you said I couldn't think of it How cool is that? I think you're such a big liar You lie to yourself Let's try to answer the next question

I feel like you're getting short I think you look at yourself And you're too even afraid to tell yourself the truth I think you're lying to yourself I think you stare at yourself And you don't even recognize the person that's looking back And you don't even want to do any deep introspection Because you're afraid of what's in there

You're willfully ignorant and stupid about yourself Because you're a liar And you're a criminal to you Let's just try to finish up the podcast Before anybody says something Before you say something you regret I don't regret Before you say something you can't take back

I'm encouraged and I'm empowered to actually say this to you To confront you about it Because you're a zero You're an absolute zero, man You're an invisible man You're not even a man You're a vessel It's a beautiful

The eyes are the window to the soul You have no soul You have no eyes You're disgusting It's a beautiful acceptance speech For your latest Turdy So I appreciate that And congratulations again

We're winning the Turdy this episode Swimmers The swimmer script The one with the cum That kept the pages glued The swimmer's You're cracking up The swimmer's ear got me the golden mic this episode

I brought it up You alley-ooped it But I slam-dunked it And I brought it home And I brought it down I said swimmer's ear And you said I think I have a tweet like that In my drafts

And you're getting the trophy for that I get the golden mic for swimmer's ear That was 100% my IP How is your IP? You never posted it And then I found a tweet That predates that It was about swimmer's nose that tweet

That tweet Swimmer's ear Existed Swimmer's ear is mine It existed before you I brought it up after you You're a draft Your sandwiched in the middle

Was an incomplete attempt at the joke Which you think nets you the award Your anger? And I get it at what? You get a Turdy And it has nothing to do with swimmer's ear Your Turdy has to do with you Brimming with hatred for your co-host

And coming at me during the second half of the podcast When I really think we were having We were having one of our better shows I had a great time this episode And you're souring it with your dour mood Alright, if that didn't happen Before any of that Did you have in mind who you thought would be

Winning the golden mic And who would be getting the Turdy? Yeah, I did And? I thought you were on the line to get the Turdy From the get go from the jump Of course I know that

You were favored for the Turdy Yes Yes But Over the course of the episode In the first half of the show I knew I had secured the golden mic With Swimmer's ear

Secured it I had secured it And I... Secured it You know that you can You can win the golden mic And the Turdy In the same episode, right?

I did not know that Because it's never happened So how would I know that? Well, I'm just saying Even if I win the golden mic I'm on the hook I could still win the Turdy So it's a little nerve wracking

And I mean, I thought that You were probably going to Come away with the Turdy Because you had Kind of an epic streak In that regard Yeah

But I wasn't going to You know, like No preconceived notions I was just going to Do the pod And And let the Turdy fall Where it may

And then You sort of turned The second half of the show Into a I guess like Your own personal soap box For some kind of vendetta That you have against me

And I don't think that's worth it You don't think You don't think me getting The Turdy award The award for shittiness And podcasting For by the way

Six years now This is our sixth year Anniversary The show today And you couldn't have Given me a single golden mic To honor it Don't get me wrong

I think it sucks That you've won the Turdy Every single episode I think that must weigh heavy On your conscience It does I don't like that I'm

I'm bummed There have been episodes Where I tried to Take the Turdy Off your hands So I can put it On my mantle In solidarity

With you But somehow No matter how low I set the bar You can limbo underneath it It's silly Why are you laughing Why are you laughing

Well it's silly really No it's not I actually think it's funny I know I know you think it's funny You laughed You laughed at me Right

So yeah I know that you think it's funny I think And I know you think I get a kick out of it is all So you don't think it's sad You say it pisses you off It's sad that I've never won

It's not It makes you happy You're gloating I'm not gloating I think it's funny that I think it's funny that We've come to this And I think it's unfortunate

At the same time I think it's Sometimes you kind of just I think it's one of those things Yeah It's a bit of gallows humor It's gallows humor as all it is It's just like

Wow look at the shit we're in I can't I can't host a podcast With a guy without Him coming away with The shittiest podcast award Here's where we are You know

Like it's just Yeah It's just a dark sensibility That I think people like About me and that's why I win the Golden Mic All the time too Yeah

We have We have one last question to answer If you want to get to it Sure whatever Hey bros Right Theodore I guess Sure

I'm stuck I still Yeah yeah yeah You're saying I could still win a Golden Mic For this episode In addition to the Turdy No no I already won the Golden Mic

For swimmers of your Yeah You said you can win a Turdy In addition to the Golden Mic You won the Turdy A couple minutes ago You won the Turdy Yeah

There's only one for each episode Of course I've won Two Golden Mics A couple times You know what rules are Meant to be broken Obviously But I don't think this episode

So is there a world where I Yeah Is there a world where I Answer this one so funny And I got a Golden Mic In addition to yours And a Turdy There's a world

I mean those Rules wise That's on the table As far as me believing That you Can thrive under pressure And deliver it And like

Take it home There's no There's no chance Of that happening It is A snowball's chance In hell As it were

Alright But let's give it a shot Alright But My parents bought me A set of tools For work For my birthday

A while back And I thought I really liked them Writes Theodore Okay But You've never said a Okay mid question before

So it's a little bit Throwing me off But after using them Daily for a couple of months I realized they were I realized they were The wrong choice Wrong choice

Yeah I'm just trying Active listen For the first time ever Yeah By the way Happy six years I went to get a different set

Thanks But I don't But I don't want my parents To get annoyed at me Since they cost A decent amount of money I'm also the new guy at work So if I get new tools again

They might make fun of me What should I do? Should I say Fuck everyone And buy new tools Or keep the ones I have Until they need replacing So my parents

Don't get upset with me Best regards Theodore Okay Where does this guy work That he needs tools Is he a construction worker? A tattoo artist

That's pretty cool Yeah A chef? Either way it's awesome Either way you work with your hands And that's cool And I guess Needing new tools

Is embarrassing to him For some reason I think just Maybe it sounds like There's sort of like A blue collar work mentality Where like Hey a hammer is a hammer

And this guy's like Come to work Now with His first set of tools Then new tools And now he wants to get new tools So like In a few weeks

He just Got three different sets Of new tools Yeah But He bought three different Custom miniature figurines Of my Dungeons & Dragons character

There's really no shame In a new tool Yeah I think You could tell your parents That you gave your tools At work to somebody else Who needed new tools

And then you buy Oh that's cool New tools You could also Actually do that So it's not even a lie If you find somebody And you say

Hey I don't really like these They're not It's not my style You want new tools And then they'll say Yeah And then you get new tools For yourself

So that gets you off the hook With your parents Who are not offended That you switched the tools On them And then All you have to do is Deal with being known

As the new tool guy And in that regard You can say I got into a bar fight Some guy stole My fucking tools Why'd you have your Why'd you have your tools

At a bar Because I honestly can't leave My home without a wrench And you got into a fight And lost And someone stole my tools Yeah

I got a screwdriver With my screwdriver And some guy hammered me With my hammer Nice I actually got hammered With my hammer I had a screwdriver

With my screwdriver And threw a wrench Into the whole Sticky situation Can you stick the landing I Lost my tools Quite frankly

You would say And I'm just trying To level with you Very good Okay Trying to drill the point home Nice This is why I have

The golden mic I I came up with a premise I came up with a hammered I did the screwdriver And the wrench You said Let me level with you

Which isn't necessarily Part of every toolbox Sure is And then you exclaimed yourself The winner of the golden mic Well I won the golden mic For swimmers here I'm just saying

That you don't know how to stick the landing And I consistently follow through You had the entire bit To think of one And what was the last one Drilled What was it? You got drilled at the end

Or something? Drilling the point home Yeah Drilling the point home Yeah Which is not really A bar or a fight I think

You just sort of Thought of another one I think I nailed it Nice Thank you Alright I'll give you that one Really? Yeah

I think I'm not part of a tool kit But For sure Definitely Yeah That was for sure That was fine For sure

Yeah I did think of swimmers here So yeah I think that like In a way Being like These tools don't work for me Makes you seem almost

Like more of a professional Don't you think Like I'm so good with tools That I can I can tell the difference Between like Good tools and bad ones

Ones that work For my Ones that don't Like if I went golfing Yeah It wouldn't be I wouldn't know the difference Between really nice clubs

Or shitty clubs But like a good one For wood Yeah Yeah I think Yeah I think that makes you

Even more of It gives you more authority To have like An opinion like that No shame No shame Alright Thanks for listening

Thanks for writing in Thanks for the theme songs If you have your own questions Your own Theme song submissions Send it all to The opening one Was written by Gus Rachel's

This closing one Was written by Teddy Weeks Yup Yup So thanks to Gus And Teddy Weeks Tickets still available Our show in Chicago

Is now less than a month away There's about a hundred tickets left So if you get a Headgum.com You can see the Sick new poster we made Yup And then you can buy tickets

To a Fariaow Nadpod I believe sold out So come hang out with us In Chicago See you guys There And we'll be back next week Ciao everybody

Peace Don't think back on the rest of it Wanna know what you think But you only know the half of it If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you

If I were you