If I Were You - 384: The Roommate Switch

Episode Date: May 27, 2019

In this episode we discuss ending relationships and ending Game of Thrones... and smiling at yourself.Come hang out with us in Chicago on June 14-16 at HeadGum Live!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Um, yeah, I could roll face and rage face, suck face and fuck face to that song. Let's get started. Welcome to another episode of If I Were Juice. I'm your host, Jake Juswitz. Hold on, hold on. I'm here blooming shit. No, no, what do you mean you could fuck face to that song?

What is that? I just mean if I was like rolling on MDMA, Molly laced with a little speed and everything felt good. Yeah. And I was sucking face and fucking face with somebody. Right. Sort of like, uh, I guess, I guess fucking face would be like a 69 position where two individuals are fucking each other's faces.

Got it. And then what does that have to do with the song? Well, just it would be a nice background to me sucking face and fucking face. Okay. So the song being on in the background is, it feels like it's not doing much. It's mostly the drugs that you're on. It's, no, I mean, the song does a lot. I really think the song, I wouldn't say the song doesn't do a lot.

I think the song really does. Yeah. A lot. Okay. What about the song, but no drugs? Are you still fucking face? No, I'm limp, flaccid, scared and lonely. Got it.

In a corner waiting for the drugs to hit wondering who the hell sold me this fake Molly. All right. What about real Molly, but no song? What's going on there? Real Molly, no song. I am rolling face, raging face, sucking face and fucking face. Yes. That's what my point is.

My point is it seems like this song. But it's not as nice. It's consequential. It's consequential. Yeah. It seems like the drugs are doing 99% of the work and you're saying the song is nice. I mean, do you enjoy a cheeseburger with a side salad? Yes, you do, but I think you enjoy it more with some really well-seasoned Cajun fries.

I would say Cajun fries are kind of maybe the goat French fries. Thoughts? Tweet it. You think so? Yeah. That's a hot take. All right. Okay.

I guess I'll tweet it. I haven't tweeted in four years, but I think maybe now's the time. You're just banned. You're just banned for drafting the Cajun fries thing. Hello? Yeah. Yeah. I'm still here.

It didn't hang up on you. I just see your accounts been locked. Oh, yes. It's locked. I guess you're retweeting a bunch of hate crime shit. Yeah. Right. Right.

Right. So whenever the Molly's not coursing through my vein, I'm sort of like a troll influencer. Yeah. Right. Right. Right. You should say. Right.

We didn't even see who that song was by. Oh, damn. It's by Adam Dallin, which is a rework of an original song called Letters, which is on his album Cowboy Music, which is on Spotify, Apple Music, and even Deezer. Do you think Deezer is a joke or it's an actual website with albums on it? Gotta be both. The album is called Cowboy Music, and it's on Spotify and Apple Music, at the very least. And if Deezer exists, then it's there too.

Dope. This is the second time somebody made a cover of their own music for us. Yeah. They're starting to get a little too original for my liking. Our fans are talented, and that's nice. Right. Don't go making covers of original shit. I hate to be overshadowed.

I still want to hear the songs that me personally likes without having to hear new music, discover new things, basically. It's good to have a song about us for free to introduce our show. For sure. That's nice to have. For sure. But I'd hate for it to come at the expense of me looking like less of a musician. Because I can't do it that way.

Right. I can't do it to that extent. There's a world where someday somebody's fame and talent overshadows us. Yes, overshadows. Which would be sad. That would be the worst case scenario. That's exactly right. I wasn't able to figure out how to say it.

I don't want to be not as talented as X, Y, or Z. Right. To be diminished in stature and to be held in a lesser regard in comparison vis-a-vis a more talented musician would be a negative thing. Would make us be bad to have it that way. I think this is, yeah, that's the easiest, that's the clearest way to explain it, right? Yeah. I think that's making us look smaller petty.

Basically, let me take another stab at it. Okay, go for it. The way we talk is, so we talk the best. And to have another thing like, for example, to have it be music or to have song of it is not as good as we can talk. So to have it be better than me is not good to me or you, if that makes sense. Yeah. No, that does.

So that tracks for me. Maybe I can just put it in layman's terms for anybody who didn't. Yeah, and then we can put it to bed. And then we can really, we really have to go. But yeah, take a stab. So basically, on the pod is where we'll, me and you are partners and we'll have a chat. And the chatting is nice to be good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll take it from here. Obviously. It's nice to be good. Yes, that's true. But also, what am I trying to say here? In additionally. So let me take it from there. So in additionally, when a music is sent and played on this in between a chat.

Can I take it from here? Yeah. When a music is sent and sent to a chat. When a music is sent and sent to a chat. Okay. I cook corn. I can. I can.

Can you help me? Yeah. I could take it from you. So when the music is sent. The corn. Yes. Okay. I think we got there.

Essentially. I think we had it before. Yeah. That one grinded to a complete halt. All right. Yeah. That one stone walled us to the point. No more words were even being said.

At a certain point, you were grunting noise. Right. Yes. Obviously. I think the overall sentiment is clear. The just. Yeah. Cool.

All right. Let's try to answer some questions. Let's try to get out of this. Yeah. That's a good idea. We got some good ones here. We got one about prom. Of course, prom is coming up for some schools.

We got one about ditching my roommate. Ooh. We got one about making an ex-boyfriend a best friend. Why don't we start there? That one doesn't ring very true to me. It's kind of interesting. I kind of like, have you, have we thought about doing this ever? Like a menu?

Yeah. Like a table of contents for the podcast. Part of the interruption style so people know it's coming up. Right. No, we could, we can try that. It's kind of fun. So we got a Game of Thrones question, a prom night question, an ex-boyfriend question, and a roommate question, which we'll start with.

We need a lady's name. Oh, let's, I'm going on a little vacay today with a friend named Raimi. Let's call this person Raimi. Oh, she would love that. She'll never hear this. A 23-year-old lady from Idaho, and I'm having some issues. This is actually a good way to see if any of your friends or Jill's friends listen to the podcast. So don't tell anybody about this, and we'll see if it gets back to Raimi.

Oh, that's a good idea. And then in three weeks, you can start accusing people. You listen to the show? Four weeks. You listen to the show? In four weeks, I'll get a divorce. I don't think you listen to the show. You don't listen to the show.

Because you never heard about the question with your fucking name on it. Everyone should have told you that. Oh, and maybe I haven't gotten to it. It was three weeks ago, actually. This is you shoving her husband. She's like, I listened to the first 10 minutes, and it was un-listenable. You're making grunting noises at one point. You full-on forgot words.

That's fair. Okay. Did you like the music, though? I wrote that song for you. Raimi writes, I'm a 23-year-old lady from Idaho, and I'm having some issues forming a relationship with my ex-boyfriend. I know it's cliche to tell someone that you want to remain friends after a breakup, but I did just that.

And what does this diva do? He removes me from all social media. We dated on and off for three years, and it was a messy relationship. However, I was trying to do the mature thing by making it an amicable breakup because we have a lot of mutual friends, and I may see him in social situations. I've been giving him space for about two months since he basically blocked me on all platform, but I'm still hoping there's a chance we can end things on a good note. Should I text him and try to remedy the situation or just let things be?

It really irks me to think that he might hate me because we were basically BFFs at one point, so is there any possibility of that happening again? Or at least being friendly acquaintances. Any advice is appreciated. P.S. Amir, you can apply this to your past relationships with other chipmunks if it helps. Yeah, I don't really know about the mating habits of chipmunks, but I can answer from the human perspective, and then maybe you can take it on the woodland creature in front. I don't know much about chipmunks.

We'll both do the human one. Okay. Well, why don't I take the lead since you're a chipmunk and I'm a person? But yeah, you can weigh in as much because I know you live among humans, which is neat, but I just mean like if you wanted to weigh in on any of the chipmunk angle, I think that could be interesting for our listeners. I won't be able to speak to that intelligently, but continue with the human stuff and then I'll join in with the human stuff.

Right. Well, why don't you? Yeah, you can close the loop on the human stuff and then I think it'd be cool to do a deep dive on chipmunk shit. All right, let's see. You're a chipmunk. I think, okay. So, this is, I just don't think it's important to be friends with Xs.

But is it importaste? I don't think it's importaste. I think it's importaste to force it. It's importaste to force taste? Yeah. If you're like, I think the best you can be is open to a friendship with an X. You can't be like, I think it's important that we stay friends because that sort of puts on a little, like the other person has to be down with it too.

Breakups are hard. So, like this guy blocking you, that says to me that he's not ready to be friends at all. Like maybe the breakup was harder on him. He doesn't want a friendship. Yeah. It's too hard. I think the most truthful part of this email is when she says, it really irks me to think

that he might hate me. That's the whole point of it. That's the crux of it right there. If you think he's blocking you, then your word, he's mocking you. Oh. And he actually might be. I don't think he's mocking. Blocking isn't mocking.

What is blocking? Blocking is flocking. Interesting. It's not really flocking. So, blocking is not shocking and it is not mocking. Blocking is, excuse me, one second. Just pulling up rhymingdictionary.com. Yeah.

It's not knocking. It's not cocking. That's obviously not what it is. I wouldn't say that it's cocking. Cock blocking. Oh, you know what? It's locking. Blocking is locking.

That's good. This guy, he's locking in his own self-worth and like he's doing what he needs. Just lock it in, lock it up. You're out because he's got a heel and you being around isn't letting him do that. Okay? Yeah. Blocking is locking, but it's not mocking. Yeah.

Yeah. He doesn't necessarily mock you, but I'm saying he might just not like you that much, but that's okay too. You don't have to worry about that. This person is no longer in a relationship with you. And it sounds like it was a messy relationship because you described it as such. So he might need more than two months to get over it. I also think blocking isn't necessarily like, I hate this person.

Blocking is more like, I need to get over this person and to do that I need space. So I don't think that it's like, you don't have to be irked that he hates you. If anything, you could feel kind of confident that you're so hard to get over. That's nice. What about this rule of thumb? For every year you've been in a relationship, it takes one month to get over. So this is with three year affair and it'll take him three months to get over. Yeah.

But I mean, I've had like breakups that weighed on me and I got over them and it's not like then I wanted to be friends with the person again. That's just not how everyone is wired. So you got to respect people's wiring. Yeah. It just makes it a little more complicated because they're all in the same friend group and she doesn't want to be like, Hey, is this person going to be there because then he's going to be weird.

Well, the friend group is ruined. The dynamic is destroyed. Things will never be the same there. But that's the risk you took when dating a friend in the group. Yeah. And what is it like in the forest? Living amongst the chipmunks as it were. Oh.

I was just curious because we said we'd tackle the human thing and then you would do the chipmunk. I mean, personally, I don't know, but I'm on Wikipedia and it says, I guess chipmunks aren't necessarily monogamous animals. A woman can have up to 10 partners at a time and there's no real like one-on-one relationships in the forest. Not that I know, but I'm doing research as a human like you could. You could have easily done this research. Right.

It doesn't mean that it's coming from personal experience. No, totally. Well, I mean, for you growing up as a chipmunk in your little tree, did you have lots of other chipmunk girlfriends and stuff? Did they have other chipmunk boyfriends? Because I know you read that from Wikipedia, but now I'm just wondering for personal experience as you grew up a chipmunk. Yeah.

I did have a chipmunk girlfriend, but I wasn't like, I wasn't a chipmunk. Like I don't know how else to say this. Okay. Let's go on to the next question then. Yeah. You are? I had two fucking, I had one friend and one girlfriend that was a chipmunk. That doesn't mean that I'm a chipmunk.

No. Well, and what were your parents? My parents were, one was a regular guy, a dad, a normal guy and a dad. You said a guy and a dad, but was it a human person? No, it was not a human person. Okay. It was a chipmunk man and a wife. It was your chipmunk man, dad, guys, wife.

A chipmunk? Yeah. Yes. Awesome, man. Awesome. Christ. All right. I feel like I'm being put on trial here.

You're not being lambasted. All right. Actually, let's talk about another hallmark moment of every childhood. Or I should say teenagehood, the prom. Oh, the promenade. We'll call this man who's another dude that you're going on vacation with. Chris. Chris writes, longtime listener, first time baller and I've got a bit of a hard one for

you boys to wrap your head around. Okay. I'm an 18-year-old dude who for religious reasons has never masturbated or had sex. What? You could probably just say never masturbated. We can assume the second part. What is the, yeah, is it a religion thing to say that shall not freaking cream your genes? I can't even jerk my girk.

Yeah, I think it's like wasting seed. Anyway, he continues. Everything has been going great. But as I prepare for my senior prom, my boys have been razzing my ass about the upcoming event. Our prom is known for the grinding and sexy dancing that takes place. And my friends have told me that they think my lack of penile stimulation will cause me to bust a nut during the dance. Is this a realistic fear?

What can I do to stop myself from soiling the front of my trousers while my dime piece date goes down to town on a dance floor? I could really use some advice before I seize my cheese in the middle of a school gymnasium. Yeah, that's okay. Well, I feel... Imagine five years of pent-up puberty being rubbed up against by your prom date. Well, I just feel like it almost doesn't even matter if you masturbate and have sex. When you're 18, grinding at prom, the hormones are firing anyway, maximum.

So at the very least, I would say that you're on par with everybody else. I mean, maybe the fact that you haven't masturbated or had sex yet, like you've been able to restrain yourself for God and country. Maybe that means that you have a lower sex drive, so you'll actually be a little safer. Whoa, so it hasn't been building up. It's actually been diminishing. Yeah, maybe your friggin dick doesn't work. What?

You old Jesus freak? I feel like if your brain really wanted to make you explode, it would have done it in a wet dream by now. Yeah, maybe it has. Is that like a little loophole for religious kids? Yeah, that's the evolutionary purpose of wet dreams is that if you can't masturbate, when you're asleep, your brain says, you idiot, I'll take care of you and your God will be none the wiser.

God's not paying attention while you're asleep. It wasn't me, it was my brain, I swear. I swear it, mama. Outside the pearly gates, you know your seed actually spilled. It spilled, you didn't touch it, but you had a bad dream. Don't pretend like you're not up here jerking at St. Peter. I mean, why are these gates so pearly? Yeah, you have to go to hell now with all of the rapists and murderers,

because you had a wet dream. Yeah, imagine how many people have pent up boners in heaven if it's filled with people who've never masturbated before. What a boring place that would be. I only want to hang out with other people to bust their nuts. What about an accidental orgasm? So he's still getting off scot-free, but it's not necessarily like a wet dream. What do you mean accidental orgasm? Like if you rubbed up against something in a seemingly innocuous way,

like if you found yourself in a really tight hallway. The hallway was so tight that it's a fleshlight. Yeah, so you construct a small little house filled to the brim with fleshlights that sort of prevent you from walking or talking much. And you find yourself in a place that you almost have to masturbate to get out. Oh, yeah, like a life-or-death situation where like a hot escape room. Yeah, that's kind of interesting, because then like God can't be mad at that. Like because, you know, there's got to be like a commandment that's higher than the jizz thing.

So like the lesser of two evils. Like what was that ASOP fable about the kid that fell down the well and he had to like jerk off so much that he actually like started floating and he can swim to the top. I don't know if I remember that fable. That must have been something that your parents read to you. Yes, yeah. Come to think of it, it wasn't my dad's handwriting.

Interesting. Yeah, it was like this parable of sorts, this story with an interesting message about, I forget what the point of the tale was, but it seemed to involve enough come to fill a well. That was the upshot. The moral of the story is that you can always fill a well with sperm. Yeah, so this kid can do something like that, like find himself in a situation where he, you know, has to seemingly need to orgasm or force himself to masturbate. But if that doesn't happen, I don't know, maybe two pairs of underwear.

Oh, yeah. You could always do something like that. Maybe wear like a, yeah, no, two pairs of underwear. That should probably work. Do you remember how hot dances were? Oh, yeah. It's also funny that like as you get older, the boner and the grinding like is the point. Like when you were, when I was younger, I was like, oh God, like I can't get hard because all, like people will notice when they're grinding with me.

Yeah. And then as you get older, that isn't that like why people do it? Isn't that why denim jeans are so hard? Because if we were all still wearing suits on a dance floor, everybody would have a little tent pop. Your denim jeans are hard because they're caked with sperm from grinding. Yeah, additionally. So it's hard washed denim, but also dried semen. Yeah.

You actually have really, really tight hallways in your house where you're constantly putting your dick, right? I live in a flesh like museum of sorts, the size of a doll house that I can't stick more than just my legs into. There's also a well outside that is just overflowing with your seed. I don't know. I couldn't just pissed myself out. Yeah. Anyway, that's a story for another day. Two pairs of underwear, I guess.

I like that. That's a real solution. All right. Let's take a break. We'll come back. Answer some more cues after this. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake.

Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon. These digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah.

For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents.

So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. They're great. Really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma.

She was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit.

Like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant.

It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an Aura. Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family

in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah.

Exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames.

That's A-U-R-A Frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait.

Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames. A-U-R-A Frames.com. Okay. Go get your parents something. All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on.

Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist, is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area. But BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient,

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That's betterhelp. Check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lift. I'm coming. Gross.

Yes, I do. Let me ask you a question, Bub. Uh-huh. Do you smile at yourself in the mirror? I don't. You do not. I scowl and I cry and I wonder why. This was an interesting development for me.

So a few, I guess it was maybe a few weeks ago. Um, I was like using, uh, like a little Jade roller, which I think we've talked about on the, on the show. Yep. We talked about a little stone that you roll on your face. Yeah. So I was using that and I was looking in the mirror and Jill was filming me, not like, you know, uh, unbeknownst to me and when I finished, I sort of smirked it myself in

the mirror and, um, like, she thought it was really funny. And then I talked to my sister and she was like, do you smile at yourself in the mirror? And I was like, Oh yeah, I guess I do. Like that, me doing that smirk was like something I do all the time. And I just figured everybody did. And my sister was like, uh, I like, I do that too. And then I asked Jill if she did it and she was like, no. And then now I just asked you and you said, no.

So I didn't even know that people didn't smile at themselves in the mirror. That's how natural it is to me. Furthermore, I think it makes you have a more positive outlook on your day. If you smile at yourself, if you treat yourself with a friendly attitude, it's like a daily affirmation, a positive affirmation. Yeah. And then I, now that I've like thought about it and I started noticing it, I like, I cheer myself up in the mirror all the time.

What do you like visually or using words? Yeah. Like sometimes I like just make a silly face at myself. Sometimes I'll, I always, I always give myself a nice smile. I've caught you playing peekaboo with you. Yeah. Well, mirror me is just a, he's a real wackadoodle. He's a clown and I love him.

He always teases me and makes me laugh. He's got angle keys in front of him. When mirror her wits plays peekaboo, I don't know where he goes for a beat. And, and then when he comes back, when he peeks out from behind the hands and I see his smiling face, I say, oh, you got me again. I thought you had disappeared. Got it. Yeah.

So he's always making cute faces at me, smiling at me, playing games with me. And it makes me happy to be there with him. And I miss him when he's gone. And my dad was never around growing up and I didn't need him to be because mirror me would sort of take over for my father or so. Mirror me is the best me. Yeah. So that's my, but that's my advice.

Everyone should smile at themselves in the mirror. Treat, treat themselves with a little bit of positivity and joy. Inject some, some fun nice times into your day through smiles. I think that everybody has a face they make when they look in the mirror. Like I, I do the same face every time I look in the mirror and then friends, family, loved ones all have like a certain face that they make. And it's like the face that they're like either inspecting to see their like biggest insecurity or like looking to hide their insecurity or doing a face

that they think they look best in. Right. I guess I do that too. But every time before I leave, I give myself a smile. What's your, what's your face that you make? I don't know. It's hard to describe. It's just a face.

I guess I'd have to just take a picture. I used to like look over my glasses, but now I don't have glasses anymore, but I still like keep my chin down and look up. Oh yeah. I know exactly. There's videos of you doing this. That's your, I know the face. Yeah.

Jill's also recorded me doing it. Who did? Jill's also recorded me looking in the mirror. She's doing some sort of like voyeuristic. Exposure. Yeah. Visual art shit. Right.

It's invasive. It's totally invasive. I didn't even know that she had come out to LA. It's actually called Jake in a mirror. Oh yeah. So in a way it's kind of interesting. Yeah. No, she's starting a Patreon.

Speaking of Patreon, Jeff Rubin was on our Patreon this week. We're talking about old videos that we made together. That highly recommend. Yeah. That's a, that was a good one. It was, it was so interesting to watch Katan, which is like a video that you forget about because we did it during the first college humor all nighter. So it was like, all those videos are blur anyway.

And it was also like 10 years ago. Yeah. Um, that and the other video that we watched, which is like one of our oldest video, but made me crack up the party planning videos. So funny. Yeah. You know, it's something I noticed in that video that we didn't notice in the Patreon watch commentary.

Tell me. Yeah. When I was talking about fucking interns and everyone goes, you can't fuck the interns. Dan says you can't buck, but fuck the interns. Oh yeah. It's like very subtle. And I like triggered when I was watching the video of us commenting on him, like, oh, I think he's saying but fucking, but I didn't remember that during the actual taping of

the commentary. That's funny. Yeah. I remember him doing that joke. I thought it was good. You can't but fuck the interns. Which is true. Regular fucking's fine.

Um, all right. Back to the questions. Back to the answers. Um, this guy has a question about Game of Thrones, which I thought we should revisit now that the show's over. Oh. And you're such a big fan. Well, was.

Uh, we'll call this guy, um, uh, Jamie Lannister, because that's a character that I remember from the 11 episodes I've seen. Great. I'm having a soul crushing issue here, writes Jamie. To read Game of Thrones or not, it's been seen and heard that Jake dived into the series. And I'm wondering if having watched the show will be like rewatching the show with just more depth. Uh, sorry, this reading will be like rewatching the show with more depth into the characters.

Or will it bring to light new storylines and twists? I could, uh, I wish I could come to you with a dead poor dad or a shitty, slutty wife, but unfortunately this is the drama plaguing my existence. Love Jamie Lannister. Firstly, what'd you think of the last season? Were you as down on it as everybody on my Twitter feed? Yes. I hated it as much and more, uh, as everybody else.

I'm the dude that started the petition. Your finger was hovering over whether it should be racing funds for Alabama abortion or getting people to rewrite the last season of Game of Thrones. And he said, fuck it. I got to trust my gut. Yeah. You know what? I couldn't be mad about both things.

I did. And I'm pissed about Game of Thrones. Okay. Yeah. But who'd you donate more money to? Oh, I donated a thousand dollars for them to reshoot, uh, starting from the end of season six. Wow.

Oh, so people didn't even like season seven. I thought all this stuff was just about season eight. I think season seven is like where it started to diverge. And I feel like season seven being kind of bad, like just shows how much trust and buy-in all of the fans had because like when dumb shit happened, we're like, it's okay. They have a plan. Like this has to happen quickly here because like season eight is going to be awesome. Right.

So you had, you gave them the benefit of the doubt, six great seasons and then a seventh that could have gone either way. Yeah. Yeah. Is every season a book? Like how many books have there been? I think, I believe there's been five books. Okay.

I think there's five. And then how many more books? Um, he's, there was supposed to only be one final book, but apparently he is doing two books now. He's split that one up into two books, the winds of winter and a song of spring or something like that. Got it. And will it follow the same story as the show, but just do it better?

Or will he be like, nah, fuck that. Bran is not really. I've heard different things. Uh, one, the thing that I've heard is that, that like brand that, um, George R.R. Martin did intend to have Bran sitting on the throne at the end, which I like, I do think is fine. I'm not going to like say that Bran shouldn't be on the throne. I just think the way they got there is hand-handed and sloppy and incredibly dumb. Okay.

So I imagine since there's not really a timeline for George R.R. Martin, uh, Hill and the books are already so dense, like they slashed so much out of them for the TV show. Um, I think that the books will stay good. I would be, I guess I, I'm definitely going to still read the books. Um, I would also recommend reading the books to anybody who loved the show still. Did it retroactively ruin the books for you? How bad this TV was? Are you treating it like this weird fan fiction experiment and the actual show ended in season

six? I think I'm close to retroactively ruining the show for me. Wow. Like, I'm not sure I can, I'm so mad at this season that I don't think I can go back and just like watch episodes of the show like I was doing leading up to the season because I was so excited. I would just like watch a random episode and be like, Oh, I can't wait. Um, for a while, I feel like it's, it's that bad breakup thing.

So I need like, uh, I need, what is it, eight months off? It was a bad relationship. Yeah. So then I'll be, oh, we can be friends again, maybe in like a year or so. I can watch an episode. I don't think I'll ever be able to watch an episode from this season. Do you think the show would have been just as bad if the books had already existed or were the books helping that much?

I think that the, I think that this, it wasn't necessarily about like the, the books and the source material material. It was really like just bad writing, um, and not enough time. Like the way Cersei died is kind of cool to me, but the fact that she like didn't have any screen time or like make any last ditch effort or like, I don't know. She just didn't do anything like cool this season. So I think that, um, yeah, I don't know. I guess I think that the, I don't think the show needed the books to, to figure out the

plot points, but it needed more episodes and more screen time for it to do everything well. Yeah. Common complaint was that everything was rushed. Yeah. And I think it was, it was so, like it was so rushed that like, it wasn't like things had to happen. They just straight up cut so much out. Like the fact that John stabs Daenerys and then it just cuts and it's six weeks later

and he's a prisoner makes truly no sense. They were two minutes before that is slitting the throats of it, like soldiers who surrendered because they were once loyal to Cersei. Uh, and then, then a guy stabs their queen and that guy was just a prisoner. That's not how it works. The city is surrounded by unsullied in Dothraki. They're like murdering indiscriminately. The queen is killed and that guy goes, and then the guy that does it goes to jail.

Are anybody, are any like mega fans coming to the defense of this last season in the subreddit? I have not seen any. I've seen, the only thing I've seen is like, we should be grateful that the show is so good and like these people did such a great job with their performances and yada, yada, yada. I agree. The show is, they, they did something very cool, but like also they bungled the ending so bad that I think they have to like apologize to you, to me personally. No way.

At least let them issue a me a culpa to everybody watching. Like you can't, I think it's gotta be a fucking, I need, I need a, I need a personal apology in like face to face, by the way. No. I don't want like a letter or a phone call. A personalized handwritten apology to you is not enough. You just want to meet the cast. It's clear you just want to meet the cast.

Okay. I mean, if, if the king of the north delivers the apology and you get to hang out for an afternoon, that's fine. No way. In character, you want the actor to be in character to deliver the apology to you and then you want to hang out with that character? Yeah. I want to, I don't want to hang out with Kit Harrington.

I want to hang out with Jon Snow. Okay. So as the apology, you want everyone to get back into costume, apologize to you in person and then you get to hang out with them and they can't break character. Yeah. I want to be in Westeros for a year. You're asking for more every time. Now you want them to rebuild sets for you.

You want to visit the set. Not. Where do they shoot it in fucking Scotland? Not the set. I want to visit Westeros. Well, that can't happen. I'm sorry. I want to be, I want to be like a lord of Winterfell for a year in Westeros.

You want to have some sort of medically induced coma dream that lasts a year where you're part of the universe now, Nick Arcade style. You've completely enveloped yourselves into the book. And during the show that you're currently in, you want characters to apologize to you. Exactly. No, no. So you got it. I don't get it.

You get it. That's way too much. I'm glad you get it. Have you seen videos that are now surfacing of like character or actors guessing how the show will end like two or three years ago? Oh no, that's really fun though. What do they say? I think the lady who plays Sansa, again, I'm not a hundred percent sure,

was being interviewed at a junket with the guy who played Jamie Lannister. And she's like, I think Bran will end up on the king's throne. And then Jamie Lannister seems to like know how it ends because he was like trying to actively convince her that that's not how it works almost as if he knows. And he's like, no, that wouldn't work. That wouldn't work because like, yeah, it just wouldn't work. Forget that. Like don't even record that.

That's really interesting. That's crazy. Like stop this interview right now. That's so absurd. You'll ruin the show, Sansa. I got to send you that link. Who's that actor? He's not American, right?

No, I've seen his name, but he's like, I think he's like Danish or something. Yeah, he looks like Hugo Mortensen's hot younger cousin. Yeah. All right. One last question before we get out of here. Yeah. Another lady, who plays Sansa? Do you remember the character's name or the actor's name?

Sophie. Sophie writes, two years ago, I kissed a guy my friend was into. She had moved away and I initially picked him up at the bar, so I didn't think it was that big of a deal. Oh, and I had made out with his friend the same night and ended up, quote, picking him in the long run. I told her shortly after this happened and apologized. Flash forward to today, we're roommates.

And I heard from a third person that she's still mad at me about this. Between the grudges she's holding, other drama we had and her overall negative attitude, I don't want to live with her anymore. The lease is up in August and I want her to move out and a cooler person to move in. How do I go about doing this? Or should I just find a new place and roommate? Thanks. Love Sophie or Sophia.

Sophie. Yeah, Sophie. What do you think about this one? I don't think you can force someone else to move out. I think if you don't like the person, you got to leave. Yeah, I'm with you. Like between this grudge, her negative attitude, and other drama, like it sounds like you guys have an awful relationship, right?

It's not like, you just told us like one thing that's sort of like an insight, like this is like the straw breaking the camel's back, but it sounds, your living situation sounds untenable to me. It's not working out for anybody, including you for this thing that you did two years ago, you're saying? And there was no other reason. I bet if we talked to the roommate, she'd be like, all right, here's what's really going on.

Yeah, every time we should do another podcast where we call the person that the question's about. Oh, that's cool. The other perspective. The other side. The other side. If I were you, quote, the other side, a luminary exclusive.

Ooh, there's two sides to every story. That's good. And we'll even have piano music in the background. Yeah, like an investigative deep dive. Yeah, into like what this relationship was like and why. That's cool. And it would cost cash. Yeah.

And someone should give us cash. Yeah. Luminary should give us a budget of what is like serial's budget probably. Probably like 150 grand in episode. Right. So if we got that, we could probably do the episode. More than that. All right.

So if we got like 500 grand in episode for that deep dive podcast on like the shitty roommate thing, we could probably produce each episode for like 240 bucks. We'd like underpay a producer. Yeah, cheaper. And then we're pocketing what is like 500,000 minus 240 bucks. It's like 499,760 bucks. OK.

And then we split that evenly. You and I. So that's divided by two. What is that? It's like 249,880 bucks. So like that's pretty good. And if you think of that as like that's per episode. That's 10. Like a 10 episode series.

What's that times 10? Ah, 2,499,880 bucks. That's actually pretty freaking good for 10 weeks of work. Right? Yeah, it's a lot. My head's starting to hurt. But then you got to put like taxes. Oh, all right.

So yeah, that's taxed on like at like 35% probably. Yeah, 35. Yeah. So like what's my, you know, like what's the damage there? What do I have to pay to Uncle Sam? And what do I get to pocket? What did I say? It was 2,499,880.

Yeah. So then we got 35% going to the freaking government obviously. So what's that? 35% is like 5%, which is like 10% divided by two. So it's back to the 2,499,880, but divided by two is like 124,940 times seven. So that's, let's see, 124 is like 12 and a half times seven. 11 times seven is 77 plus another one and a half seven, which is 10. I think it's close to like, fuck, I want to say like a million.

Maybe a million one. Bucks? I just did so much math for you. And then your one follow up question was the unit of measurement. Yeah, it's always been bucks. Everything I've been saying has been dollars. You're so dumb. You're not doing any of the heavy lifting.

I came up with the freaking idea. Yes. Sorry. Bucks. Bucks. Everything's in US dollars so far. Do you want me to convert the currency? Yeah.

Oh, shit. To what? Can you convert it to Icelandic Kroner? Because I think that's where I'm going to buy the. Fuck. I might buy a summer house here. 17,000 to one. Yeah.

17,430,000 Icelandic Kroner. That's actually not bad. Can you do me a favor? If you're on your computer, you just open up a new channel. I'm not on my computer. Yeah. All right. Do Zillow and Akureti.

There's nothing. It doesn't exist there. They use a different website, I guess. Okay. All right. Then that's all. That's all. Now you don't want to do the podcast?

No, I don't. I got so far. If I'm not going to be able to use Zillow to find my summer house in Iceland, then I don't really see the point. But that was cool. All right. All right.

Let's wrap it up, bud. You got to leave. You can't kick a roommate out, but you can kick yourself out. Yeah. I would say that is accurate. Unless you did something so bad. And this seems like it's a toxic situation.

I feel like just get out entirely. Let's start clean. I think that's what we do. Okay. All right. Yeah. There it is. Yeah.

Enjoy. Thanks for listening, everybody. If you have your own questions, your own theme song, send it all to ifirushowatgmail.com. The opening one was written by Dalin, Adam Dalin. This closing one is written by Jerry Grimes. So thanks, Jerry. Thanks, Adam.

Thanks to you, Jake, for joining us. Oh, by the way, you never gave out a award for this episode I'm realizing. Oh, yeah. So I won the golden mic and you got the 30. So congrats. Congrats. What?

Congrats to who? All around. Congrats to me. Congrats to you on taking home the 30. Yeah. Good job. And congrats to me for taking home another GM. Pretty fun.

Good stuff. Good old stuff. I love it. We're going to be in Chicago. I should say there's about 50 tickets left to our Chicago show, headgum.com slash live. You can see us June 14th, 15th, 16th with all of our favorite headgum friends.

Come on down. It's going to be a party. Yeah. We'll see who wins that golden mic live. What do you think? That'll be cool. Oh, they're doing. We give them out during live episodes.

You decide that you get one during live episodes too. Yeah. I've won every live episode we've ever done. What did you win for this week, by the way? What do you mean? Which joke did you have that was the best? You said you got the golden mic. Right, right, right, right.

I think it was sort of like an overall performance thing. And then me for the 30, was it, do you think maybe I didn't win a 30, but I didn't win a golden mic? No, I thought you were being cagey about being like a, you know, the fact that you're a chipmunk. So I feel like every time I have to pull that out of you, it's. That's a 30. Yeah, that's a little bit of a 30, just to me.

That was like a turd based performance in a way. Yeah. I think that I won the golden mic. I had fun doing the show with you, man. Let's just try to stay positive because I think it's important for us to sort of like, you know, present ourselves as like a, like a strong unit. And I don't want, I don't want this to, you know, reflect poorly on you really. Smile at yourself in a mirror.

Is that what you said? Was your advice? Yeah, that was my unsolicited advice. To smile at yourself in the mirror. To smile at yourself. You're not smiling at me. You want to create a positive day for you when you smile at me. All right, we'll be back next week.

All right. You fucking prick. Suck my dick. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. You're gonna kill myself because no one wants to fuck me. Persistence, persistence creates distance, cause resistance in this instance. I regret every choice I could possibly make because it's a horseshoes or hand grenades. You're always innocent.

Shame burns like hell. Call on a pinch of partners. Well, give me what I would need to get through if I were you. Just tell me what to do if I were you. Make an unwind. South America. South, South, South America. South America.

South. South. Jamaica, mom. I thought you made a mom. Are you too high? South, South, South America. Feel free to not hold your applause to the end. They're not doing that.

That was a hit gum podcast.