If I Were You - 385: To Doink or Not to Doink

Episode Date: June 3, 2019

In this episode we discuss oral hygiene, loving thy neighbor, and the Toronto Raptors.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This song is from the perspective of a sad, short, coy, squirrely little Jewish man. If I had a gold in my eye, if I had a gold in my eye, Oh, my mom would hug me too, and I'm just Jake that's cruel. If I had a gold in my eye, if I had a gold in my eye, Well, I would be invited back to game night, back up on the Doctor Dude, alright? If I had a gold in my eye, if I had a gold in my eye, Well, lonely and horny wouldn't be an exact documentation of my life. If I had a gold in my eye, oh, Jake Hurwitz, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you,

If I had a gold in my eye, not so many days on my show, If I had a gold in my eye, if I could be anybody else, If I had a gold in my eye, oh, my life would be complete. Oh, I know I get the turdy this week for wanting it too bad, and you know what? Jake's the man, he gets the golden mic already. That's gotta be a record or something. I'm getting the golden mic in the theme song, you're the man, Jake Hurwitz, And I'm a little turd man collecting turdies. If I were you, show starts now. Huge. Wow. Huge. That is a record, right?

That's absolutely a record. I'm floored. I'm actually humbled, honored and chuffed. I'm right cheesed by this. I can't believe I was awarded the golden mic in the theme song. That's definitely the earliest Eddie mic has ever been given, first time. Nothing's been said yet. It's crazy, but so much has been said. It is crazy. So much has been said through the theme song. I love the idea that sort of my past performance on the 385 shows has sort of like that's golden mic worthy in and of itself. I hate that. That's a danger. The streak was worth the award. That's a really dangerous precedent.

Yeah, I mean, I just, I think, I mean, the song speaks for itself. There's nothing else to be said and I appreciate it and I am humbled by it and I am chuffed. I really am chuffed. That was Jordan Holmes, who wanted to give a shout out to Vikes Improv and Yes, Ampersand at the University of Victoria. Last time he submitted a theme song, he told us to visit Victoria and we mistakenly thought he meant Vancouver, because he actually wanted to us to tap into the flourishing fan base of the Canadian island that he currently resides on. Where is Victoria? I guess it's an island off the coast of Canada.

Victoria, Canada. I'd love to go. I'm a big fan of Canada. I'm a fan of. Nice. Thanks. Made even more so by the Toronto Raptors. Yeah, dude. NBA Finals bound.

Actually, by the time you hear this episode, two games deep into their first NBA Finals ever. Friday the games. Thursday Sunday. Thursday Sunday. Yeah. Wow, really spreading it out. Yeah, the Finals are more spread out because they only want the games to appear on high TV watching days. Of course.

Victoria is near Vancouver. It is indeed an island near Vancouver. So shout out Victoria. Vancouver deserves a basketball team. They had one. Who was it? The Vancouver Grizzlies. Oh, and then they moved to Memphis?

That's right. Then they moved and became the Memphis Grizzlies. Are there grizzly bears in Tennessee? It doesn't matter. There's no lakes in LA either. There's no jazz in Utah. Sometimes the mascot doesn't change. LA has Lake Toluca Lake, Silver Lake Reservoir.

Yeah, that's what the Lakers are named after, the Silver Lake Reservoir. Where were the Lakers before? Minneapolis. That makes sense. 10,000 lakes. That's a lot of lakes. That makes sense. We don't deserve to be the Lakers.

We're mostly a desert climate. The LA Cacti. Actually, I just read this article about how the Raptors were named because they were an expansion team in 1996. So they had hundreds of names that they were considering that were fans submitted. Then they whittled it down to 10. And Raptors were one of them. And they think that went out because Jurassic Park was so popular in 1993 or four that the

Raptors went out because of that. I mean, that totally makes sense. There's no world that Velociraptors are like a well-known dinosaur without Jurassic Park. That's right. You never knew what a Raptor was. A funny runner-up was Soros Rex. So they'd be called Toronto Soros Rex. Oh, that's goddamn.

If I had been awarded the Golden Mic in the theme song, that's such a good pun. I think you would have been a contender. So let's start the episode over. I'll use the theme song for the next episode. No, we're not going to do that. I don't want to get bogged down in this. You were close. I was awarded the Golden Mic earlier.

I can't give it to you now. Sorry. But it was fine. It was a really good pun. Let's just... It wasn't even my pun. I was just... It actually was one of the top 10 options that they were considering.

Is that true? Yeah. And beavers and tarantulas were also up there. Toronto Soros Rex was one of the options. Wow. That's crazy. That is crazy. Oh, and also dragons finished like third or fourth, which would have been cool.

A lot of people are saying with Game of Thrones now, if the raptors were being named today, dragons would probably be the raptors. Oh, definitely. That would have been cool. The Toronto Dragons. That was my... Oh, wait. I didn't go to Hampton High, but the town that I lived in was the Hampton Dragons.

Yeah, you might as well go for a huge mythical beast. The mascot doesn't matter. Right. My high school was the Hornets. Yeah. That's not good. That's an insect. Yeah.

I mean, they're sort of frightening, but they're not really like...they're not fearsome and ferocious. Yeah. When you have a chance between a bee and a dragon, why would you choose the bee? Right. You would run towards the bee. In that situation, you run towards the bee. Watch out, it's the bees. They'll make us honey tonight, which is fine, but don't sting me.

Honey's one of my favorite foods. What's the worst mascot? I guess probably one of the racist ones, the Redskins. Yeah, the Indians. It's pretty bad. It's gotta be bad. What about the beavers? Oregon State is the beavers.

I mean, I think the jazz is really bad. The jazz. It's kind of fun to say, but look out, the jazz is coming. Yeah. Like, here comes the jazz. You don't know whether to say, like, here are the jazz or here is the jazz. Yeah. I mean, that's definitely not a good one.

The jazz are in town. The jazz is here. Terrible. It's just music. Yeah, it's really bad. It's not frightening. I guess it could be loud. That's true.

Yeah. And sometimes you really dance like a maniac and that's a little scary. Yeah. Thunder? I love the thunder. That's a great name. Because it's just an audio. Much like the jazz.

Yeah. But I think that the thunder is kind of fun because it's like very OKC. Like, it is like the center of a storm. Right. There's lots of like. What about magic? That's not even anything. Orlando magic.

That's pretty bad. Yeah, I would have vetoed that if people were like, what do you think of the Orlando magic? It should be an animal or a thing. Magic is just an idea that you can trick people with sleight of hand. Right. But it also, it's a little weird to just make the mascot another, like an animal. Like there's so many animals. Yeah.

Like the Chicago Bears, the Grizzlies. There's like the Cubs. There's just like a lot of bear-based mascots. Yeah. The Bruins, Boston Bruins. Yeah. It's a little old. Yeah.

So you got to, I think you got to go into the fantasy. The fantasy. The wizard's fantasy. That's, but that's like not, I mean, if you're going to go to fantasy, you really, you should call them like the, the Kraken's. Huh? Why not call them the Kraken? I don't know what that is.

It's like a giant squid. The Washington giant squids. No, I said the Washington Kraken's. Kraken's? Yeah. Kraken's. Release the Kraken. Didn't she ever see Pirates of the Caribbean?

Yeah. I don't remember. But Kraken, so that means Kraken is plural already. No, it's one. It is one. A single. It's Kraken. He's asking to release one giant squid.

I guess like, yeah. You would, I think it'd be sort of similar to the Thunder. Like it's, it can mean both, but you really only need one. It's more of a unit. This team is the Kraken. Cause it's also interesting cause there's eight players on the court at all time. No, that's not true. I know.

But like if you, if you really, like if you didn't interrupt me and correct me, people might have not ever said anything. So you, you're suggesting that it's eight players on one team at the same time or it's four on four game. Oh, that's interesting too. I mean, either one is wrong. I'm just wondering which one you meant. It's eight people on the court.

No. If you count the refs. No. If you count the refs, it's 13. Right. Well, I'm saying. Five on five, three refs. So where do you get eight?

Well, cause it's five players, three refs for each team. Oh, I see. So you're saying like, you're like one of those sarcastic fans like, sorry, we couldn't beat you eight on five. It's like those eight players on your team. Yeah. So that's not what you meant. Your hope.

No, I did. No, it really is. It really is. It really is. Cause there's only two refs, so that'd be seven. Right. Okay. Well, so I meant, so like it's, it's five players, two refs in the coach.

So that's eight right there. Yeah. There is three refs. I'm, I just keep the exact, let's see if you'll call me out or if you know anything, but you don't. Orlando Octopi. Who says no? I guess the guy, me who wants to call them the Orlando Kraken.

That's cool. Uh, the Basilisks. Huh? A Basilisks? What's that? It's like another fantasy monster. Uh, oh, the Orcs. But Orlando Orcs.

Orlando Orcs. Yeah, Orlando Orcs. That'd be cool when they played the Wizards. Yeah. Oh man, that would, God, what a fun fantasy league. Now you can get back into fantasy basketball. You finished second in your fantasy basketball league. I did.

Me and Rosie, head to head. And will you ever play again? No, I will never play again. The mark of a great league is when it's over, you never want back in. I mean, I liked all, I like the guys in the league and like that everybody is cool. But like, I don't like fretting. Like I looked, I like set my lineup multiple times, like looking at the waiver wire, do it like proposing trades.

It's too much. Like, it's not that fun to me. It's pretty crazy that you finished second, despite all that. Well, because I was so competitive. I like really wanted to. Oh, so you did, you did play well. Yeah, yeah. I think I did.

I, every time there was like trades proposed, I asked you and Marty. I was constantly like picking up players off the waiver wire, just trying to like get a volume, get enough games going when I had injuries. You're more injured than the players that you were subbing out. Oh yeah. Yeah. Oh, I'm crippled. All right.

This isn't a basketball podcast. That's another podcast I do. This is if I were you, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. I figured since we're both in the same room, we're hanging out. We should invite one of our other friends to join us. Who?

I don't know if you've seen him around since you've been in LA, but do you happen to know if the game boys any? Oh. Oh my God. Did you say game? He's already here. Did someone summon the game boy? The game boy was under the couch.

He must have been here for three weeks. I've been edging for three weeks waiting for someone to say game. What if we didn't even get to you today, game boy? I might have died. All right. Well, since you're here, since you're borderline about to orgasm, why don't you try to come up with a word that I can search my email box for and the point of the game is to find an email that uses that word, but only one email.

One email. One email that uses this slightly esoteric word. I will choose the word. Doink. Doink. Doink. It's pretty good. DOI, NK.

Doink, doink, doink, doinky doink. Onomatopoeia. Huge, if true. There's only two emails that use the word doink. Wow. Yeah. Not even a spam. This is a true two.

Damn. Options are doink thy neighbor as you would doink thyself or am I asexual? Ooh. I guess. I feel like I know both of these questions already. I think we should go doink thy neighbor. Yeah, that's at least a dumb title. Doink thy neighbor written by a lady who we'll call doin.

Doin. Doin. Doin. Jolin. Jolin. Jolin. Doinlin. Doinlin.

Right. Hi, guys. Love the podcast. Recently, I went on a Tinder date with a guy where we had a couple drinks, went to his place and made out. We got along fine. The conversations flowed pretty well, but I didn't think our personalities were compatible. I was pretty indifferent about him after the date in terms of attraction level, and I

found it to be slightly annoying. As we were on the way to his apartment, we found out that he lives on the same street as me, about two blocks away. I can tell that he is really into me, and the fact that he is my neighbor would make hookups so convenient. I don't want to give him the wrong idea that I want to be in a relationship, but I'm really intrigued by a friends with benefits situation since we live so close to each other. Should I be upfront about wanting to have a physical relationship, even though he seems

like he wants to date me legitimately? Or should I tell him that I don't think we're compatible so he doesn't get the wrong idea of my intentions and miss out on potential, convenient, other doinkage? Should I do something else? Thanks for your help. Doyleen. Doyleen. Interested in the doinkage.

So wait, so she had a bad date, didn't like the guy, found out he lives close to her and is now considering having a friends with benefits situation. Just that a sheer convenience. That's not convenient at all. Why? If you don't like somebody and then you find out that they live close to you, the opposite of what you want to do is like make it more complicated. Because you might see them on the day, on the street.

Yeah. It seems like having a bad date with somebody then finding out they're your neighbor is like great, more, we need more distance. Yeah. Not like, all right, we had a bad date. Oh, but damn, you live next door? Like, you wouldn't, I don't even know if I would recommend having a hook, like hooking up with your neighbor if you liked them.

Although this person lives on the same street but two blocks away. So not a full neighbor. Just a semi-convenient down those street two blocks away neighbor. Yeah. I mean, I don't know how lazy you have to be to be like, I need my hookup buddy to live two blocks away. Like 10 minutes in an Uber is fine. Let's see where this person lives.

You could be on your phone the whole time. That's an EDU email address so I can see, oh, it's Chicago. Chicago, you're good. You're good. There's so many people in like a Chicago, man. But it also gets really cold. So like if you want some doinkage, you don't want to walk more than 30 seconds. I really think on your block, there's like, there's like 30 more eligible bachelors that

you could hook up with. That'd be cool. A tinder but for your block, like in a densely populated city, you're like just show me the thousand people that live with literally and on my street. I just think that you don't. I've hooked up with neighbors in the past and then your entire life is just like, you're about to leave and then you hear their keys turning, you're like, oh, no, I've got to stay in and or if they like knock on your door, you have to like be completely silent

because you don't want to go to the answer it or you're waiting for the elevator and you hear them coming. So you'll like to plank and you have to pretend you're a fucking welcome mat. I've dove down a trash shoot before, but it was so thin that like my body fell down when my head got stuck and then turns out my neighbor who wasn't even the neighbor that I had hooked up with just needed to like throw trash away. Well, I had to just because I thought that my neighbor might walk in. I just opened my mouth and pretended to be a trash can.

I was probably a trash can for an hour to avoid my neighbor that I made out with three years before that. Yeah. So I just, I guess I would just not recommend hooking up with somebody because hooking up with someone you don't like because of close convenience, because that close convenience will turn into a inconvenience. Yeah. This is almost like two, two cons, but only one pro.

Like you find him annoying and he lives close. So it's not worth it. If he lived far away and you found him annoying, you would never see him than maybe or if you liked him or if you didn't find him annoying, but he lived close, then that's fine too. Right. But because it's both of those things, we recommend not doing that. Yeah. It's all negatives and you're like, but he lives close, like, which is another negative.

If you think about it, this guy I don't like, who likes me, lives close to me. That sounds bad. How quickly can you tell that your personality is not compatible with someone on a date? Are you a quicker or are you like, I don't know. We've only been out once. Right away. Instantly. Yeah.

Because also, I don't know if it's like a person. I mean, no, instantly. Yeah. Instantly. For like even the hug hello. No, I don't think that instantly. Yeah. Usually I could, I mean, I'm married now, so I don't really.

You don't date that often. You'll still go out. Yeah. Like you'll still like go steady with someone. Right. So like I deleted Tinder, but I still have hinge. Hinge for when I'm hitched. But yeah, an interesting open relationship is you can, you can't hook up with anyone,

but you could still go on first dates. Kind of interesting. Like I'll still let you do the bad parts of relationships, which is like getting to know someone, but nothing else. Yeah, I wonder if like, if you had an open relationship where you can go on first dates. Yeah. That would be pretty, I don't think I ever would. I'll just get, all you're allowed to do is get two drinks with someone, hug them and say goodbye.

But I don't, I always liked dating. I never, I think I hear from people that like are exhausted by it and that never. You never got fatigued from it. That never happened to me. I thought, I always thought it was like, every time I had a date set, it was like, oh, this, like this could go anyway. It'll be kind of interesting. And were your bad dates boring or were they like worse than that?

They were just boring. Like I would be sitting with somebody who like, I had like red flags to me. It was like, I went on one date with somebody who was just like complained about her mom the entire time. And I was like, I think this is like a negative, you have like maybe a negative personality or at the very least like, you have a bad relationship with your mom and I can't relate to that because I love my mom so much. This is a new talk at her.

I'm going to stop you right there, but I love my mommy. I think one of the stories she told, I straight up sided with her mom and I didn't say anything. That's crazy. That's crazy. Damn. But I'm like sitting there being like, your mom's, your mom sounds fine. She sounds cool. You're the problem.

And like being rude to waiters, which I never really saw that much. I don't know. I never, I actually, for as long as I was single, I never really had very many bad dates, but you would know whether the personality wasn't compatible within the first date. Definitely within the first date. Were you somebody that would be like, oh, that wasn't great, but I'll see them again and see if I get to like them more. No, I was pretty, I snapped judgmental, guilty until proven innocent.

Oh, interesting. Yeah. So you would know like within a hug if they were not right for you? Now within a hug, but within like the first three minutes of conversation, voice, opinion, intelligence, height, teeth, eyes, shoulder. You're talking about you. Because you'd show up four foot nine with no teeth, a single shoulder. I only have one shoulder to cry on.

This is me holding up a fucking little notepad. Very nice. Would you see your name was? Turn around. You look like Picasso. How long is your hair? Holding a ruler. I need it for my journal.

Where are you going? Hold on, my car's being towed. No, I think all my quote unquote bad dates were like just an incompatibility thing. This is obviously we're not liking each other, but now we have to go through 30 to 60 minutes of conversation. Yeah, but I think it's definitely different for girls because there have been like, I think I talked about this before, but like at least two or three times when I was on dates and the woman would just sort of sigh and be like, thank God you're normal.

I didn't have to beat a high bar. Every girl that I went on a date with just about was normal. And I think for girls that's like a threshold that actually not everybody needs. Yeah, like the worst the date can be for ladies like dangerous and creepy. Like we would never feel endangered, but that's like something that a female has to deal with. There's a chance that this guy is dangerous and bad. Yeah, the spectrum goes way, way further into the negative. Yeah, for us it's like, oh, that was just, we didn't click.

Yeah. That's as bad as it gets. There was one time where I went with somebody who got really drunk and then and I like at the time didn't have a lot of money and she was like, she got two drinks and was kind of wasted and they wanted to order food. And I was like, oh no, this is just going to be expensive. I was like, I wanted to get a drink because it was cheap. Yeah, I have a funny similar stories.

I went on a first date to David Buster's and it was one of those things where like we were kind of not into each other, but we were like in a very fun, gamey environment. So it was like two bored people walking around to different games. And the way it works, it's like you don't put in like coins or tokens. They have like gift cards. So she had one for $75 that I like I misplaced. I left in a machine or whatever. I couldn't find it because I fucked up.

So at the end of the night, I had to buy her $75 David Buster's gift card and never saw her again. That's so funny. I'm like, I'm sorry, I'll I have to buy you a $75 David Buster's. Was she like a David Buster? Did she love David Buster's? Maybe she got it or something. It's so, so like the date was like, she's like, I have a gift card. We'll go to David Buster's to use it, which is a very fun start.

It is. It's just, it's funny that like it was just sad we spent $6 of it, didn't enjoy ourselves. And I misplaced the card and had to buy her out. God, that's so funny. I guess I could have been a real asshole. I've been like, sorry, I guess I kind of goofed up there. Anyway, it was so awesome meeting you. What you really should have done is just be like, oh man, I'll get you a new one.

Excuse me, gone. Put $5 on it. Let's play one more game. Let's not save it for our one year anniversary and we'll use it then. I have to go. All right. I'm going to play basketball. I guess there's not enough money.

For the whom? Shut out. Or say, all right, I feel bad. I'll refill your card. I do have to go to the bathroom first. And then I crawl out of the crawl space. Crawl into a game. Become a trash can at David Buster's.

For three years, I was a claw machine just to avoid a debt. I swallowed tokens and grabbed stuffed animals, throwing them down a shoot for people. All right, let's take a break. We'll come back and answer some more questions with the Game Boy. Oh, thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct.

I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech-savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why.

As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great, really easy way to like stay in touch with your family.

You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant.

Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that, or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my god.

Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an Aura. Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement.

So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah, like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You deserve that.

You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah, it's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the Perfect Father's Day gift and visit AuraFrames. That's A-U-R-A-Frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best-selling frames.

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Okay. Go get your parents something. All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a professional licensed therapist, is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area. But BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist.

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Check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. And we're back, Jake or Game Boy. Do you have any? Oh, it's a little bit. Oh, I'm coming. No. Thanks, Game Boy.

Thanks. But I do. Jake does. Okay. My advice. Yeah. And you reminded me of it. Is that people should go to the doctor.

Okay. Always or every day? Jesus. Well, first, actually, when's the last time you got like a physical? When was the last time you like went to the doctor? Years ago. I should do that more often. I don't think I've gone to the doctor in actually like, I don't know.

Yeah. Like who knows what my cholesterol is. Yeah. I don't have no fucking clue. I don't know the last time I got a general checkup. Right. Okay. So that's one thing.

So we should definitely do that. Let's go on. Let's go get a checkups. You want to make a little pact? That'd be a good podcast. The checkup, checkup. So you get a checkup and then we check up on each other. Oh, that'd be really fun to like, it'd be kind of hard to produce, but like a podcast where

your guest is required to go to the doctor and then come to you and talk. They get really alarming news. Results. You got diabetes, baby. There's a theme song for it. So I went to the foot doctor, a podiatrist, if you will. As everybody knows, I suffer from many different foot ailments. Chronic almost.

So I had a friend who also had a foot ailment. It was like, oh, I went to this podiatrist and they're really great. They like found the problem. Like nobody could figure out what it was. They took an MRI, figured it out. They fixed it. She got surgery and is like, and is doing better. Wow.

So, so I was like, oh yeah, maybe I should do that. Because the turf toe that I got with our friend Sean in Hawaii, yeah, still hurts. So this is not your broken heel foot? No, the broken heel foot, like it hurts sometimes, but like overall. Half the time it doesn't hurt at all. So like it's, it really, that's, I think I can like live with that. I've also gotten an MRI on that foot and then and people are like, yeah, I can see like it's inflamed here, but there's not really anything you can do.

No. So I went to this podiatrist. I told him that the like kind of like the joint near my toe still hurts. And it seems like since I have a bunion there, it's like, I just assumed that it was like bunion pain. Turf toe is like when your big toe gets bent back all the way and you feel like something strained. Yeah, exactly.

It's kind of like hyperextending your, your big, like your toe box. So I, that's like what initially injured me. And then I was like, oh, but I have a bunion. So like once that was over, I was like, yeah, I think that like my turf toe did something to my bunion. My like the way the shape of my foot makes it hard to heal. So this was just your estimation. I went, well, I went to a doctor in LA right after it happened who like took an x-ray,

didn't see a break, told like, saw my bunion and it was like, you, like, you should do insoles. You should do like bunion stuff, like toe separators. So he just looked to see if the bones were intact. They were, but he never did an MRI to see if the muscles or the ligaments or the tendons were fine. And I think, I think that doctor was like, we could do an MRI, but it was also, it was like close to with that MRI that I had gotten on my other foot, which didn't do anything

for me. So I was like, I don't know. I'm not going to do that. Like I think, I think it's fine as long as it's, it's not broken. I'm just going to like stay off it. Anyway, two years later, it's still hurt. And then I went to, I, but it's, it hasn't been like limiting my movement. Like I still run, I still bike, I still climb.

It's just less comfortable. Yeah. Like the things that hurt the most are just like walking barefoot to the bathroom. That's like, that you can't do at home. You're wearing sandals, orthopedic. I wear geriatric orthopedic sandals everywhere. I pack them. I, I wear them.

I do not do anything barefoot. I like, and that's because like hardwood on your boned feet presses stuff and hurts. It hurts a lot. Yeah, it's a lot. So, so you're like, you know what, I'm going to go to the doctor again. Right. I'm going to finally get a lot of like hopping on my left foot. Basically pushing off my, my toe box just hurts a ton and like having no, no shoe hurts the most.

So the most painful would be you barefoot on a cement floor hopping on your left foot. Yeah, that would be excruciating. And it's funny because that sounds instantly obviously doctor worthy, but you're like, yeah, but I just won't do that and I'll be fine. Yeah. Well, cause I, cause I have like a bunion and I'm just like, I think that's just bunion. People have bunion pain. So I finally went to this doctor's like, cause you can get bunion surgery.

So it's like, I like, you might be, it might be like good. There's like a 90% success rate. You'll be pain free in like six weeks. And I was like, oh, bunion is like when your big toe jets out from your foot, jets like in this sort of like curving towards the toes towards my little toe, which like makes big joint makes like a little bump outside your foot. Yeah, exactly. It's all mine is like almost the size of another toe.

Got it. So you have six toes at this point. So, so he's like, yeah, you can like get this bunion surgery. It will reduce your, it'll, you'll basically be pain free after this is over, which you can't even imagine. No. And, and also like I did that like, I think it was like six, six weeks on the knee scooter when I broke my heel and it didn't really help that much.

And so I'm like, and it was also, it sucked so much like I'm still scarred by it. So I didn't, I didn't want to do that again. I didn't want to like be on crutches for two months. It's like, it's the pain's annoying, but nothing is more annoying than like being immobile. And then he was like, you're, you'll be in a walking boot pretty much right away. In four weeks, you'll be 80% recovered. I was like, oh, it feels like I'm at like 60% right now. So he did an MRI.

Oh yeah. So he did an MRI. And he said, he said that I tore my ligament. I just have a torn ligament. For the last two and a half years he's been walking on a torn ligament. Yeah. Of my left foot. Which he could have fixed right away, but you just never got an MRI.

Correct. So now two and a half years later, he's like, by the way, I can sew it together and it'll heal. Yeah. So like my, my quality of life from, I could have like, not shoved insoles into my wedding shoes. I could have like, I just could have had like a pain-free, basically last two years, could have been pain-free. But I opted, if, if I had done six months of recovery.

Yeah. Or no, sorry, six weeks of recovery. And then like six months of like the last 20%, which is just kind of like light activity. Like I think he said, I can still like exercise. I would have the last two years pain-free. I would not have had any foot pain. Do you know what ligament it is? Is it like your big toe or?

Yeah. It's like, it's in my big toe. And I think maybe like, it's, oh, he said, so there's, I guess there's two ligaments. There's one on like each side of your toe. Like one, it's sort of like, you know, holding it, holding it straight. And the one on the outside of my toe is torn, which is like allowing my toe to curve in a little bit more. Not like strained or sprained or slightly.

It's just completely torn, disconnected. Yeah. Just torn. When you took a tumble in Hawaii, it snapped. I don't know, he did, he said torn. I think that like, I don't know what torn means if it's just like, it's frayed and it's like a little longer than it should be. Or I feel like snapped would have been more noticeable.

I would think so. Maybe it's like a thick rubber band with like half of the, half of the width is cut or something. I guess that's what I imagine. It's also like, as soon as he told me that, I was sitting in my car when he told me, and my foot instantly started hurting more. Like as soon as you know, like it's not just, it's not just my bunion that, that I get really, really from my insoles from. It's straight up.

It's the mental awareness that you are strained, broken and torn. Yeah. So what's the plan? My plan now is to schedule a surgery for, I think I want to do it like in November, because I kind of, I don't want to like, be on a boot for four weeks in the summer again. See you. It's just not, I've been doing this for two years. I think I'm just going to continue.

I want to have one last, one nice summer. Surgery a day before Thanksgiving, then you just lay down and force people to feed you through December. Yeah. That's what I want to do. And in late January, you emerge again. And then I, yeah, then I get back on, back on the climbing wall. That'd be fun.

God, can you imagine no pain in your foot? No, I really can't. What would you complain about 24 seven? I mean, you won't shut up about it. I guess I'll probably talk about other pain than I have somewhere else. That's cool. Yeah. I hurt my finger.

Just, can you just fix everything? Just put me in a medically induced coma and do every surgery possible. All my appendages. Make me a bionic man, please. Like doesn't your back hurt sometimes too? Yeah. My back, well, I pulled it. I mean, I always try to, after I come back from an injury, I like try to strengthen whatever

it is that I hurt. So I don't hurt it again. Yeah. And I like had, so I've been trying to do like all these core exercises so I don't hurt my back and every once in a while, those core exercises will make me pull my back. Jokes on you, I guess. All right. Let's try to find one more, two more questions that we can answer.

Your turn to play the game. All right. Here we go, Game Boy. I'm going to search steroid, singular. Ooh, there's a lot. There's 17 steroid questions. Here we go. My boyfriend is a complete lunatic help.

Yes. Hey, assholes. We'll call this guy Gary. All right. Hey, assholes. I'm in the middle of a crazy ass situation. Me and my boyfriend just broke about three weeks ago and the result of it was because of his own securities, I'm a gay 19-year-old male who is completely open with my sexuality.

Me and him have been through a lot during the short period of time and I won't get into the details, but with him being bipolar and having a personality, sorry, yeah, and having a personality, I'm almost scared of this asshole. He keeps contacting me through various social media networks. I've blocked him a million times and I don't know what to do. Part of me still cares for him, but part of me wants to just completely get rid of him and forget that we've ever been together. Please help me.

How do I get rid of this steroid taking prick? PS, Jake, you're really sexy. Oh, thank you. So that was all one long sentence. Right. So that's an example of why we usually screen questions. I would not reach out. I would continue blocking him.

I would make sure that, I don't know, when people are that insane and trying to reach you, is it better to keep your distance and avoid them or does that just make them go crazier and crazier? I think, I guess the one thing that I always come back to when there's issues of mental health in a relationship, I think it's really sad, very hard, but it's not your responsibility. You're a 19 year old. This guy has issues that he needs to work out and you, even though you, you actually can't help him.

There's ways to support him if you really want to buy in, but I think the best thing to do is contact people that are closer to him, like his parents, his brother, sisters, best friends, teachers, somebody who can help that isn't as tied to it as you are. Yeah. I also remember, this is like a lighter version. I remember breaking up with someone and then trying to be like, I'm not going to contact her. I'm not going to respond.

I'm not going to do anything. I'm going to distance myself and be very cold. And then that just made the other person angrier and frustrated and sad because we were in a relationship and now I'm just acting mean to her. So then eventually I was like, I had a conversation with her where I was a little more warm and amicable, but explained that we were broken up and that seemed to help. I don't know what this guy's done though, but maybe sometimes there is something too like giving the other person a little bit so that they understand and don't grow frustrated and

angry again. Yeah. I think everybody is, everyone's different. And so if you are just straight up blocking this guy and ignoring him and he's freaking out, you might want to just give him a tiny little checking to be like, hey, I see that you're trying to contact me, but this is what's best for me. I think it's what's best for you. You need help from somebody else.

Right. Like just a, you're not being, letting them know that they're not being completely ignored, left alone, left in the dust, that you've thought about what is going on. You haven't forgotten about them. Yeah. All right. Let's see if we can get one more question. Do you have one last word so that we can play the game?

Oh, tartar. Tartar. I was thinking more of like a beef tartar, but I think if you do it as one word, it's going to end up being like tartar. Like, wow. Again, a true two, a non-spam, nothing else. Two questions we've never answered before, each with tartar. God damn good at this game.

A hole in two twice. Almost harder than a hole in one once. I'd say so. All right. Do you want dental disaster or Filet-O-Fish ruined my life via rat battle at Billy Scafuri? I will tell you that the Filet-O-Fish ruined my life via rat battle at Billy Scafuri appears to be a two page long rant about the Filet-O-Fish episode we did two years ago with Billy. Okay, well, shout out to Billy.

It was a terrible Filet-O-Fish that we got. Let's go with dental disaster. Dental disaster seems more manageable right now. And apropos as we talk about surgery that you're getting. So this one was written by somebody. We'll call, she said she's in a pickle, so we'll call her Vlasik. Very nice. Also, shout out to my dentist who I, well, I'll talk about it after you read the question.

Another surgery. The year, being 33 has been my year of just freaking going to the dock and fixing my problems. Me and my boyfriend have been dating for two years. It's going great. He is the love of my life. Here's the butt. He never brushes his teeth. He uses mouth, he uses mouthwash to freshen his breath before work.

And that's as good as it gets. He brushes once in a while, but it's few and far between. And he has a lot of buildup of tartar. Is that the same tartar? Buildup of tartar? Yeah, tartar. And I mean, tartar is two words, I believe. No, I see.

Buildup of tartar and shit visible on his teeth. I can't find a way to bring it up. As this point, I'm resolved to wait until we get married, add them to my dental insurance plan, and make appointments for him and for us to go together for routine cleanings. That way, it's up to the dentist to scold him for his dental hygiene. That could be years help. Okay.

Real quick, your boyfriend's not going to listen to the dentist. Like, nobody listens to the dentist. It's hard. Like, it will mean more coming from you. I listen to the dentist a lot, but I guess I'm a different guy than this guy that brushes his teeth, quote, once in a while. I think you have a basis of caring about dental hygiene. And so, if the dentist gives you advice, you're like,

oh, I'll heat that. That's great. You care about your teeth. This guy doesn't care about his teeth. If the dentist says something, it's not going to make him start caring about his teeth. God, it must be hard not to brush your teeth more than once in a while. I mean, that's, you look in the mirror, you see, like, everyone should smell. You feel it.

You do smell it. You smell your own breath. I mean, that's awful. This, you should totally say something. You should absolutely, like, this isn't just a cosmetic thing. Yeah, it's not like I wish your ears were smaller. Yeah, there's things that you can't come back from, like, gum disease and, like, you might need a root canal.

There's shit that you, like, you might lose his teeth. Yeah, you've got to say something. Yeah. Definitely say something. Also, like, routine cleanings aren't going to, he needs, like, good daily dental hygiene. Yeah. Have we talked about the water pick recently? Can't recommend it enough.

Love the water pick. I started going to a dentist in Williamsburg, and I'm, like, sort of, I have a crush on her. So I've been brushing very often. Actually, I've been brushing not at all, and keep on going back. I went, like, four times in three weeks. Why? Well, so I- One's just to drop off flowers.

I did a, she really, like, can't, there's everything she suggests. I'm like, yes, of course, let's do that. Let's do that. Like, I need to remove both your front teeth and replace them with white veneers. I need to put your big toenail as your molar. Absolutely, dentist. You've got it. I love you.

I know I had, like, I got a deep cleaning of my gums, because, like, from, for me, I had years of buildup that even the water pick, it was too hardened to get to. So I've, like, but I've gotten a fresh start now. So she's chiseled away the hardened food. She's chiseled away the hardened food. Part of your teeth. And since then, like, flossing has been a dream. There's no pain when I floss.

And my gums feel healthy, eating easier. I don't know. It's bad when you're in the chair. But once you're gone, once you, like, have a fresh start and you can, like, keep it up, having good dental hygiene is so, so nice. I guess it's kind of like, it's kind of like working out. It's hard to start. But then once you're going in a routine, it starts feeling good.

Right. Once you make it a habit, like, now I've, there were times when, like, if I had, like, a long day or if I had, like, two drinks or something, I would get home and be like, not going to brush my teeth tonight. Or I'm not, I guess I would always brush my teeth. But, like, maybe I'm like, I'm not going to floss. And then, like, you don't. I'm so used to, I don't think I can floss.

And then you don't floss for, like, oh, man, I'm blacked out. I don't know if I got free floss last night. You're flossing right now. Just the dance, though. So I, now it's, like, part of my nightly routine. I basically can't go to sleep unless I floss. Oh, you need to floss? You absolutely need to floss.

But this guy's not even brushing. That's square one. Yeah. So I think you could talk to him about it. Nothbrush is not clean your teeth. You need to scrub. I think you could talk to him about it from, like, a health standpoint. Be like, I don't care about the smell or the look.

That's shallow. But you might get gum cancer and die or, I don't know, do some research about what happens in places where people don't brush their teeth. That's fair. I think it will mean more coming from a place of, you look ugly to me with the tartar on your teeth. And I think that's fair.

I think that's like, it's not like saying you're not tall enough or something. It's just objectively unattractive and unhealthy to have, like, your teeth covered in tartar. It's a problem that you need to fix. There's always something, huh? Love of your life, been dating for two years, no problems, but then the tooth thing comes up. But the bad tooth, the bad dental hygiene,

bad oral hygiene is such a deal breaker. There could have been a lot of other buts, but this one really gets me. Where do you land on dandruff? Do you care about that? Well, because dandruff, I think, can persist despite your best efforts. Some people just have dry scalps. So I think that's okay.

Like, I get dandruff unless I use dandruff shampoo. So there's been periods in my life where I got the dusty shoulders, which seems to be the equivalent of the non-brushed teeth. It's interesting. That doesn't bother me as much. Interesting. If I saw somebody's dandruff, I don't think I would mind at all. Cracked lips, dry lips.

Oh, that one bothers me. Yeah. Yeah. That one bothers me. What else is there? What else bothers you? Runny nose. Constantly runny slash pretty nose.

That's a really high-gift thing. That's just... Yeah. Acne doesn't bother me. That's like sort of a hygiene thing, washing your face. Yeah. But acne is kind of like a genetic thing. Another one of those despite your best efforts.

Right. Teeth are kind of... Oh, long nails. Unruly, unkempt nails. Yeah. What about toes? You like funky, weird, cracked-up toes? I wouldn't...

I don't think I would care either way if somebody had nice or bad feet. Interesting. I mean, my feet are disgusting. Yeah. Who are you? I think maybe that's... I also had dandruff at one point. So it may be like...

Well, I had tartar too and it's gross. So I don't think it's like that. It's like whatever you seek to avoid, you also seek to avoid and you're a loved one. Yeah. That's nice. That's beautiful, actually. That's really awesome.

You're frozen. All right. That's it. That's our time. Thanks so much for listening. We'll see you in Chicago, Head Gum Live, June 14th, 15th, and 16th. Our show is almost sold out.

Yes. Help us cross the finish line. Come party with us. It's going to be a fun weekend. If you have your own questions, your own theme songs, anything, send them to IfIWereYouShow at gmail.com. Actually, you know what? The opening theme song was so good.

I want to play it again because playing it just once isn't good enough. I love, love this one. Let me give him another shout out. He was Jordan Holmes. If I had a million dollars parody by the Bare Naked Ladies, this one is If I Had a Golden Mic. So thanks, Jordan. Thanks to you guys for listening.

We'll be back next week. Bye. Oh, my mom would hug me too. No, I'm just Jake. That's cool. If I had a golden mic. If I had a golden mic. Well, I would be invited back to game night.

Back up on the Doctor Dude, all right. If I had a golden mic. If I had a golden mic. Well, lonely and horny wouldn't be an exact documentation of my life. If I had a golden mic. Oh, Jake Hurwitz. If I were you. If I were you.

If I were you. If I had a golden mic. Not so many days on my show. If I had a golden mic. I would fuck with anybody else. If I had a golden mic. Oh, my life would be cozy. Oh, I know I get the turdy this week for wanting it too bad.

And you know what? Jake's the man. He gets the golden mic already. That's got to be a record or something. Getting the golden mic and the theme song. You're the man, Jake Hurwitz. And I'm a little turd man collecting turdies. If I were you show starts now.

That was a hate gun podcast.