If I Were You - 389: Sexile Island

Episode Date: July 1, 2019

In this episode we discuss casual sex with a millionaire, coworker crushes, and fantasy basketball drama.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. Whoa, that was Elise with a Pokemon parody cover. How many of our theme songs written by our talented fans reference the fact that we're two Jews? I think 60% of them. That must be the longest running joke on our show because bits come and go. There was Starbucks.

There was Matt Damon. There was the Game Boy. There was John Wolfe. Right, and those still surface from time to time, but the two Koi Jews. Yeah, for whatever reason, has withstood the test of time. Right. I guess it's because it's describing us, the host, and we've been hosting the show the whole entire time.

Oh, that's cool. How would you describe us? We're two Jews. Yeah, two Jews talking. Yeah. Unlike the other shows. Yeah, two Jews talking. I forgot to ask, in reference to last week's episode, I did that Drake impression, which

you seem to really like. Yeah. The one where Drake was asking one of his friends to be his wallet. Yeah. But at the end of the show, you never gave out the golden mic for best podcaster that episode. And so I was wondering if you had given that, and I see where you're going and I hesitate to even bring it up.

Right. Well, I didn't want to make a thing of it, but obviously I won the golden mic that episode. Got it. Okay. I just won the golden mic that episode. You did like the impression? I liked the impression. You don't get the golden mic for an impression.

That's not even an original joke. You just did a, you pretended, you impersonated somebody. Yeah, but you took on his persona. Yeah, in a funny way, I thought. It was actually, it was a case of identity theft, and for that you got the turdy, because that's illegal, bub. Yeah. Yeah.

It was a stolen identity. And I giggled throughout, but obviously I was concerned that you were trying to steal Drake's person. No. No way. Right. So that's a turdy. Do you remember what you did to get the microphone, the golden microphone trophy?

I think it was, it was more of an, it was an all-around, it was an all-around performance that episode. So it wasn't a specific joke? It wasn't a specific joke. Sometimes, sometimes the game ball just goes to the best team player, you know? Yeah. Is it, you don't have to hit a home run every episode. Yeah.

And sometimes I just, I would just say my Drake thing was a home run though, or I think it was. Stole identity. Yeah. There was identity theft. All right. Well, hey, there's always this episode. Which, because we never have ever like rehashed an episode.

Like, I won't dole out the turdy now, but like, I don't even want you to think about it. Let's just start. Well, how do you want me to think about it? You brought it up as the first thing you talked to me. Let's pretend I didn't say anything. I was just curious because you didn't bring it up. I didn't bring it up because I felt bad at this point because I've, how many episodes

have we done? Like 390 something now? Yeah. And late 380s, I think. Okay. Like that's, yeah. 380, 9th or whatever. We sometimes bank these.

I just like, I can't even count all my golden mics at this point. Yeah. It's cool though. I don't win every single one. Ben Schwartz took it home at the last show. That's pretty neat. What did he do? That's actually two on his mantle.

That was two episodes ago. He called half of a fourth skin a two skin. Two skin. Which, don't laugh because that's exactly what I said. It's classic Schwartz. All right. Well, let's, let's see what I can do this episode. I feel like I'll try to be a true player.

You're already trending into Turdy Territory with the rehashing. And I won't, I won't even bring it up. Sorry for even bringing it up. It's fine. Suggestion from Super Producer Mars is a little table of contents to start the show. Of course, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us, Jake and Amir. These are four questions that we found.

I'm going to tell them to you right now just to keep people's interest peaked. Right. Peaked our interest. We got a question about a fantasy basketball mishap. We got a question about a rude dude that left a guy nearly nude. We got a question about casual sex with a millionaire. Oh. And we got a question about falling for a coworker despite the fact that this person

is in a relationship. Interesting. Uh, so that's what we have coming up. Now what happens if we like go long on the millionaire sex question? We now we're on the hook. Yeah. Now we're on the hook to answer them all. Like we didn't get to the relationship coworker thing.

We'll answer that first up next time. Or I was like a cliffhanger. People come back. Oh, that's even better. I was going to say, let's try to answer it super quickly. Oh, that's how about you decide the order? Which one do you want to answer first? Oh, interesting.

So I decided the table of contents. Yeah. That's the contents. But you decide the order in which it'll unfold. Right. Well, the table of contents sort of implies the order. Okay. So it's not quite a table of contents.

That's just for you. This is just for you. So I'm really occurred. I'm giving you. All right. I'll go in reverse order, which I said it then, if that'll mean that I don't get the turd. Sure.

You don't get the, if you correct yourself and do reverse order right now, you will not get the turdy this episode. I don't really care, but all right, here we go. You don't care about the world. I do. All right. Just want to make sure you care. I'm falling for a coworker.

Let's give this lady a name. It could be any name at all. It could be the name of a person in your life. Cheryl. Cheryl. That's pretty good. From another era. That's right.

She's 50. Cheryl writes. At this point, she's got to be 53. Yeah. More than that. 54. For aging her appropriately. That episode was like six, seven years old.

I would think. Jesus. Cheryl's 36. Oh, wow. All right. I mean 56. Yeah. At least.

All right. Hi, Amir and Jake. I put Amir's name in first because he's hotter, funnier, smarter and deserves the golden mic. Jake can eat a freaking seed. I'm kidding. You're both the goat. Wow.

Holy shit. Your face got so like balled up when I was saying the first part of that. You got genuinely mad. That's crazy. And then she said she was kidding that we're both the goat. And it's like I can see you psyching yourself down off that ledge. Right. Not my steaming.

Still. Yeah. I'm about to word you the fucking turd into that. I'm reading the email. You have to read that part of it. You don't have to read every single word in the email. Do you always read every word of the email or just the last of that hurt me? No, I'm going to read the whole thing.

I'm 22 years old and I've been with my boyfriend for five years. Over the course of these five years I've had an odd crush or two, but it was always minor and went away within a couple weeks or days. Well recently I started a new job and one of my co-workers came up to introduce himself and I immediately felt something. My heart started racing and the butterflies in my stomach began to flutter. I've never felt this way about someone before, not even my current boyfriend. Of course I would never act upon these feelings while in a relationship, but I also don't

want to be the type who leaves their significant other for the sole reason of pursuing something new. I honestly have no idea what to do. I literally cannot stop thinking about him though. Every time someone mentions his name my heart palpitates and I blush. I wish I could gush about him to my friends, but obviously that would be fucked up. He also doesn't know that I have a boyfriend and I don't want him to, as to not sever my chance with him, which is dangerous territory.

I feel awful about this and I need ways to deal with these feelings. What would you guys do if you were in my situation? Thanks a lot. That's very... Okay. It's tough. It's scary. I don't know.

Like, what do you... I'm curious what you think. You're more of a, you're a level headed, steady as she goes type guy. Yeah. If it were me and it has been me, I'd just sort of suppress the crush and deal with my relationship. But have you ever had a crush like this with heart palpitations and butterflies at the mention of someone's name?

No. I think... Maybe I'm a romantic, but I feel like there's definitely like, you know, you get like, oh, this person's cute. Like the mini crushes. Yeah. Like, I feel like I can recognize what's a mini crush and a fleeting crush and what's like...

What's a real deal. Yeah. What's a feeling that you should chase? If you never even felt like that about your boyfriend and you feel like that about this guy, like love it for a sight, is that not worth pursuing? I feel like it is. Yeah. It's tough because you have to like break up with your boyfriend and then see if it's

worth pursuing. But in theory, if like emotions and feelings weren't involved, you should just pursue this guy, see what happens, and then after a few months, then break up with your boyfriend. So that's considered cheating. Right. So that's the move that you cannot do. Yeah, even though... The safe one is just hide your boyfriend until you're sure you can be with this guy, then

go be with this guy, but that like is wrong, obviously. Yeah. But I also think it's wrong to try to forget it and stay with your boyfriend and not be fully committed. I feel like you don't necessarily have these feelings, not to this degree, not with this level of intensity, unless you just straight up shouldn't be in a relationship. Oh, I see. I'm not saying that this guy is the one that needs to be the reason you break up with your

boyfriend so you can be with this guy. Yeah. But I think that like the intensity of these feelings that you can have them means that you're the relationship you've been in for five years has run its course. It also... So it's next. Well, two things. One, she's 22 years old, so I kind of want to just say, yeah, break up with your boyfriend.

It's been five years and now start a new one. And then two, it's like, it's not like if she breaks up with her boyfriend and it pursues this crush, he might not be interested in her. So it's weird to like break up with someone and be like, all right, I'm willing to date you now. And he's like, oh, I'm not interested. And then you're like, shit. Totally.

I agree. You can never break up with somebody for a crush, but I think that you can have a crush that makes you second guess your relationship and decide to be single because what you're really... What she's desiring here is like, I don't want him to find out I have a boyfriend. I want him to think I'm single. The only way to accomplish that is to be single. So you're saying...

All you can do is be available for this guy. But the employment equivalent is like, I got a new job interview. Should I quit my job and interview? Or would you be like, no, keep interviewing and then wait until there's a job offer? So she stay in this relationship and see if this guy gives her a relationship offer? That's different, Amir. That's different because her boyfriend doesn't give her dental, does he? He gives her mental.

That's right, a headache. I think you should stay at a job that you don't like even if you have a job interview. If you've got friggin' dental, you're getting insurance, if you've got a paycheck, I think that's better than quitting everything to pursue your passion and then screwing yourself by going broke or not having health insurance. But what about this? Is there a half measure where it's like, let me take it a step further to see if this guy's even interested in me?

What if he has a girlfriend? Would you still break up with your boyfriend? Is there a non-cheating way you can continue the crush just to see, get some more information? Yeah, break. I mean, it depends how honest you feel like you can be with your boyfriend, but maybe you could say like, I have feelings for somebody, I don't know what's going on, but I think we need to break so I can see what's what, what's Gucci. But then you feel that for God.

But you have to be like, I want to break so I can fuck this guy at work and then I'll let you know. I'll see if I got it out of my system or if he's so hot, I need to continue doing it. So sad for a boyfriend or for anybody to just like get dumped so they can fuck somebody and then like, it doesn't work. And then they come back and they're like, actually, I will be with you and they're like a little sad. Like, what's wrong, babe?

She's like, oh, nothing. I'm sorry. Like, no, it's okay. And then you're like consoling somebody, not knowing that you're consoling them because they're sad because they can fuck someone that wasn't you. Or another way to look at it is, oh, they're 22. This couple can break up. She can date this guy.

She can date another guy. And then like five or six years down the line, get back together. That's a very common story too. Totally. And I think that's plenty healthy. Like I now being like married, I almost like I'm happy that every that like I didn't stay with somebody for like all of my 20s that I that like both of us had other relationships and stuff.

There's like, there's not a lot of like questions left out there. Right. You figured out what you needed through the other relationships. Right. So don't settle down with this first guy that you met at age 17, break up, experience heartache, experience a new relationship or not. And then if... And I'd caveat that by saying it's fine to settle down with somebody that you've been

with forever if you're happy. Like... If he still... But like the idea of this, your current guy still giving you butterflies and all this stuff seems unsustainable. Right. I don't think that like somebody you've been with for five years is still going to give you butterflies.

But there are other feelings that creep in that prevent you from having heart palpitations at the sight of somebody else. Yeah. That's interesting. If you like, if you're in a fully happy and joyful, committed, lovely relationship, can you still get butterflies from a crush? Yeah. Is every relationship not crush worthy, but is every relationship, regardless of how good

it is, not good enough to prevent against a crush because a crush is so exciting? Well, I think there's no such thing as love because every relationship could be broken up by Scarlett Johansson or Jake Gyllenhaal. Those two people. Yeah. Sure. Just like... Yeah.

Yes. That could be a cool game show. Right. I want to test my relationship with someone. So like, I love my girlfriend. Let's see how strong our relationship is. So in the game show, Jake Gyllenhaal hits on her at a coffee shop. They have an amazing conversation.

He says, this is nuts, but can I take you out to a coffee? Can I go on a date with you? And it sort of tests her. Right. And if she says no, then I know she is truly the one. And Jake Gyllenhaal can marry us. And if she says, yes, I emerge from a one-way mirror and I break up with that person. And if she says no, then Jake Gyllenhaal says, good, I'm ordained and I'm going to conduct

your marriage now. Obviously. And then she finds out that you are a guy that went on a game show to have your relationship tested by Jake Gyllenhaal. She would probably break up with you or at least not want to marry you. And then maybe it ends with her going on a real date with Jake Gyllenhaal. That's cool. It's a movie.

It's not a game show. It's a movie idea. Trademark us. And then the male equivalent is Scarlett Johansson. Right. The first movie idea. All Dogs Go to Kevin. Yeah.

I feel like we could talk about it because it was bad and nobody would ever make it. Yeah. I think we have talked about it on the show. Have we? We've talked about All Dogs Go to Kevin. Maybe so. You can give us a quick elevator pitch if you want. Our agents asked us to come up with a movie pitch so they could like send us out on general

meetings. And we went back with All Dogs Go to Kevin. It was a rom-com about a guy named Kevin whose job it was to kill dogs and make it look like an accident when people laid their dog down but couldn't euthanize the dog. Yeah. It's like if you grew up with a dog that was annoying, it's the equivalent of saying, oh, he moved to a farm upstate. Right.

You want to get rid of the dog so you hire Kevin to kill the dog. That way you're not the bad guy in front of your kids. Yes, exactly. You didn't take the dog to the vet to put it down. Kevin came and killed the dog. It was a dog assassin. Yeah. In most movies, you want to save the cat moment, a moment where our hero saves a cat to make

him irredeemably a hero in the story. Right. He's just the opposite. He's just a full-on bad guy. Yeah. This is a kill the dog moment. Well, he's, but all of these dogs were like, they need, it's a mercy sometimes to kill a dog.

Yeah. Like they're sick and the dad didn't want to pay for surgery. Well, that's, I mean, no spoilers. You got to pay for the surgery. And Kevin will do that sometimes. Sometimes Kevin will kill the dog. I really feel like I'm going to get added to death here. So just don't do that.

But just know we didn't end up going through with the movie. But no, I have another opinion. Oh. Sometimes, like when I've been like passively interested in looking and adopting a dog. Passively interested in looking at. So you're not even fully interested in looking. No, I'm looking. Passively interested in adopting.

So I'll like look on pet finder. I'll send links to my wife. I'll talk about maybe going to a meetup where we adopt a dog, but then I don't go. Oh, why? Cause I am nervous for about the actual commitment, but I feel like sometimes I see on these like pet finder things, like this dog is really good, but it needs medicine five times a day and it has to like walk around on these wheels things. At a certain point, are you like, why are we even, why are you even trying?

These dogs should absolutely go to Kevin. They don't deserve my love. If they're in this bad shape. Just keep talking. Try to get yourself out of this. You're saying sick dogs don't deserve to be adopted because nobody can love them. Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry. Let me rephrase that because I'm worried about coming off as wrong, but like literally a dog with a broken foot should not be a dog. I accept the turtle. I'll take the turtle. Oh my God. I shouldn't have said that.

It should be one of those inside thoughts that never come out, let alone into a microphone. I really shouldn't have said it. In fact, the only way to fully make up for it is to adopt said dog. No. Can you imagine you with a cute little boy that needs medicine five times a day in a wheelchair? That's just a lot. I know, but it's cute, right?

It's really sweet. It's really good. And everyone should do it. And if you need me, I'll be at a fucking puppy mill cranking out French bulldogs. I'm adopting eight and starting a breeder. All right. Next question. Right.

Casual sex with a millionaire. Ooh. That's right. Casual sex. Actually, this is kind of a long one. So let's take a break right now. We'll thank some sponsors. We'll come back and we will get to three more questions guaranteed.

Promise. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the goat father's day gift. I think it actually is.

Yeah. Yeah. Not just father's day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child.

We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen.

It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma. She was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in.

Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, uh, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah.

Kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes.

And we let her know with an Aura. Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something.

That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as

your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames. That's A-U-R-A Frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames.

There it is. Oh wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames. A-U-R-A Frames.com.

Okay. Go get your parents something. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right.

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All right. That's better help Peter. It's better help. It's better help. It's better help. And we're back. Jake, did you have any.

Oh, it's extraordin- Mia cross. Yeah. Do you remember that commercial I directed for V8? Yes. Why wasn't I invited to be in it to be in it? I wanted to be the lead instead of Ken Jong Well, he's more famous and more funny and talented and better and And I guess sir under to an extent a real professional

But could they get could they get him though? They did get him they did yeah All right, and I bet like they would have chosen him And you were doing it for free was I considered to be an understudy for the role, okay? Okay, so what about that one then? They made a bunch of hangover kits and apparently there are still some left and somebody texted me and They're these cool kits and you can actually just get them for free All you have to do is go to dr. Ken approved comm and it sounds like this is a just a straight-up advertisement But I really think it's just a little hack you can get these free kits interesting

Yeah, so I've been trying to tell everybody dr. Ken approved comm it comes with an eye mask that comes with a neck pillow Oh, it's like there's kind of real shit in there. It's like stuff. You get first class on a plane Yeah, and they get it for free and they ship it right to you and there's a sticker of Ken Jong on the box And I think that's fun. That's pretty cool. Yes. All right cool. What's that URL again? Dr. Ken approved comm baby slash us I Don't think so. Did you just go to the URL? No, I was just hoping that I was involved in some way Oh, yeah, you want to if you want to start directing commercials with me I would love that. No, I don't want to direct commercials as much as I do want to star in them

You want to be the spokesperson for everything that I do? Yeah, but I don't want to be on the hook to be like a brand ambassador either So like I want that's like the entirety of what the job would be right so I want to be like, oh Coca-Cola wants a mirror to whatever so they send them a check for a hundred and eighty thousand dollars and then in so doing I'm In in some way Spokesman for the shit even though it's pretty much sugar water That's rotting people's teeth. So sorry

So you want to get the cash from Coca-Cola even though you are seeming seemingly taking a pretty hard stance against them Yeah, or McDonald's or whatever basically Why do you want the cash from these places that you don't like? They're fine. They're fine You said Coca-Cola with sugar water that was rotting people's teeth. I imagine you're gonna say something disparaging about McDonald's It's not healthy. It's not healthy. No, it's not good for you You want to be a brand ambassador you want a hundred and eighty thousand dollars from them when you say a hundred eighty thousand Do you think you could actually get that much? For you, I don't think so because you don't even have a concept of how a commercial would work

I want to be I want to be you can't be a brand ambassador if you are gonna talk shit about them Who came up with that not not not not I'm loving it. I Don't know Agency executives that work for McDonald's got it I thought it was like Justin Timberlake and he was making money on the back end the back end He made money on the front end. You think he was getting a piece of every Big Mac They sold that he was getting a quarter for every pounder Very good good enough

I already took the dirty man. The Golden Mike's yours this episode. Oh my god I Holy shit, that's Historical your first one. How does it feel? I? Honestly don't know what to say slash expect. I mean I sell the thing I want to sell the award the trophy for it to the highest bidder I want to turn it into money for me to have it in a way

You can sell your goddamn turdy for that To disrespect the the sacrosanct Golden Mike what that is It's sacrilegious, but the golden mic is now mine for the episode. Oh my god the turdy becomes yours You can you tried to hawk the golden mic? Yeah It instantly too You didn't even have an acceptance speech your acceptance speech with how can I sell the bitch? Mine was an acceptance speech spelled the ex ce pta nce

Except can I sell it? Yeah, and that joke just earned you the turdy. How about we both have the turdy and nobody gets the golden mic For the for my dog slander. I'll all accept it. So two turdies. No mic. We'll see what I can do by the end of the episode All right, here we go casual sex with a millionaire, right? We'll call this guy Justin Timberlake I've been talking to this very attractive girl and we've hit it off really well She is currently working in a luxury retail where she meets a lot of wealthy people Basically, I found out the other day that she has been having casual sex with a very very rich older man And he recently cut things off with her because he found someone who is more age appropriate This information left me feeling some type of way

First off, I'm a virgin so I feel inexperienced in that regard and second I've probably never I'm out to having the type of money that this and power this dude had had Basically, I feel like a huge loser and I don't think this I'm worth this girl's time Any advice on anything would be great I just really needed to vent and get an outsider perspective on this We're 21 and the big fish is 43 Big fish. That's right. Wait. So a girl he likes Is having casual sex? No, she cut

She was and then the guy cut it off with her because he found someone more age appropriate And he's like, I'm a loser to you because you were got just got cut off by a rich man Does he is he dating her or is he what's his relationship to to the girl? Uh, he's been talking to a very attractive girl and they hit it off Got it. So his self esteem is just really low because this girl used to fuck a rich older guy And he's like, who am I to follow him the rich older man? This is It's so fucking It's so fucking

Silly, but I think we should start a go fund me for this dude What? Like you're saying we raise cash. So he becomes a millionaire too If we do like a go fund me or a kicks like what other I feel like every other cause out there is worse So this what's the cause exactly? How would you explain it to us to make him feel like more of a big shot? To make him feel like he's worth a damn To build him up stand on the shoulders of giants So he can feel tall and big and rich and powerful. He's already so we can win the day

He's already talking to this girl and they've hit it off really well Yeah, but they they'll only hit it off in so much as a little wiener man can hit it off that doesn't have any cash I guess if his wallet's not as big as his cock His cock's not as big as his heart We have to fill his cock and his wallet with cash. Well, he's 21 with coins We can only wait until he's 43 So that by that time we can't change his age But we can change his his sense of self-worth this guy for whatever reason thinks he's a loser

And he doesn't think he's worth this girl's time even though this girl's giving him time You're trying to change his sense of self-worth. You're gonna you're trying to like adjust his re is like his persona Yeah, non grata. That's right, and I'm trying to adjust his station. Yeah, I'm taking actual Steps here. I feel like you're just working on the symptoms and you're not fixing the underlying issue Because if he has cash, he'll find another reason to feel like a loser What would he how on earth would he feel like a loser if he had cash? He should get a nose job That exactly so if he if he has cash and then he's like, oh everything's good except for my nose sucks

He should get a nose job nose job easy even if his nose is small. You can always get a bigger. Yeah, or just different If you want to get with enough money, you could give yourself a fucking beak How's that that'll set you apart can a billionaire have two freaking noses a billionaire can have as many noses as he wants You could have fucking feathers on his ass That's cool. He could have blades on his dick and he can stick one of his noses up at society and still have one left over to Smell the fucking roses. Yeah, you could put a you could put a rose on your ass Why? You put a nose on your ass a what nose on your ass. No, why a rose on your ass?

No, because I really you send a feather in your ass I said feather on your ass and a nose on your ass. So you can smell the smell of your own farts Why the feather? Because you do whatever you want You have a fucking billion dollars I don't know if I can answer it anybody you're I have a nose on my ass A nose on my knee. I feel like you have more of an issue. I have a nipple nose Yeah, then this guy and a belly button this guy's already coming off as a pretty low self-esteem man

Who thinks he's a huge loser for no apparent reason? And you're yelling at him to get a nose on his ass and a feather on his ass. That'll fix it. No You're only concerned with this other guy that you do not know is that he has a million dollars and so many people in the world have lots of money like It just seems like Uh detrimental to compare yourself to To everyone let alone ex-girl ex-men in her life not even current men. Yeah, I mean

There's I feel like once People are broken up. What do you why what it's even left to be jealous about they're not together Also, she's interested in you. You're you don't say that She doesn't like your respect you if she is liking and respecting right It's and it's such a dead-end road to be like somebody you used to hook up with makes me jealous like that's Not a thing that's happening anymore So get over yourself. Enjoy this lady if she's liking you then you are worth it

Your house is worth whatever someone's willing to pay for it So your worth is whatever that she's willing to tell you to pay to give you money Oh, you could ask her for money for great call for the feather so ass. Yeah So you're worth a damn especially if she'll give you cash How about you shove a chicken up your ass because then you got a little beak instead of a rose bud And then some feathers on your ass, which for whatever reason jake thinks is an important thing to have It's called peacocking blooming. It's called stick a feather in my ass and call it riceroni How about this next question about a rude dude that left me cold and nearly nude

Let's call him yankee doodle dandy, right? I'm an 18 year old from the uk very ironic name for yankee Uh, he's currently on holiday in tenorife, which I looked up is an island off the coast of africa kind of like a hawaii type place Cool Last night my three friends who i'm here with went out and I decided to stay in because I was very tired And I wanted to listen to the new nad pod Yeah, that's what's up. Oh, yeah, brother at 1 a.m The friend who i'm rooming with let's call him john wolf came back with a girl Pretty standard so far what i'm actually pretty freaking cheesed about is this is the severance package the roach gave me

I had 10 seconds to put on some slides and retreat into the hallway He assured me they were just stopping by for a bit and then heading out Obviously they were in there all night and now tenorife tenorife is a fairly warm place But it gets quite chilly at night as such I was left shivering in the open air hallway in shorts for two hours Until my friends got back and let me sleep in the crevice in between their two beds I told john wolf that he should have given me a little more time to leave And also that he should have told me that he wasn't going back out

Maybe he even should have asked my friends who were still out to give him their room key so that he can go to bed there He said he'd probably do it again and he did nothing wrong. That's right. My question is how do I respond? Should I bring a girl back and lock him out before he can? He's the one who convinced me to stop sleeping around so I also think he's fucking hypocritical or whatever But he just got out of a long-term relationship. So I guess it makes sense. Should I leave to emphasize my point? I don't know why it hit me so hard It's possible that I don't even have the right to be angry at him to be completely honest I'd probably do option one and bring a girl back here

Uh before he could but he's better looking taller and funnier than I am We got a lot of low self-esteem boys writing us in this 18 year old was sexiled and he doesn't know how maddy should be about it Yeah, how mad should he be? Would you say all's fair and love and floor that he had to sit sleep on after two hours? I think the friend owes him an apology, but it's also the kind of thing where like It's it's only hurting you more if you like demand one don't get it and then you like continue down this downward word spiral So this friend says I did nothing wrong and I would do it again. Do you just have to say fine? I'm mad at you then Yeah, I think you just got to be like, okay

That means you're an asshole and then kind of like talk shit about it with other people. That's cool Maybe like hope that his reputation Gets around and hurts him living well is the best revenge, but so has taken somebody down to pay, you know Yeah, like they say that living well is the best revenge, but I think like Making like ruining someone's reputation is actually really solid revenge, too So living well is probably number two behind living poorly and then smearing the name of somebody else Oh, it's beaking of smearing. So living well is the best revenge

But the other other than that you could like take a shit in this guy's backpack And that's better than living well So taking a shit in someone's backpack is the best revenge after that it's living well living well And I feel like if I took a shit in someone's backpack, that's me living pretty goddamn large Yeah, especially if you don't take credit for it, right? He'd be like, what the hell is that? Yeah, that's really fun. Your backpack smells like shit, man. Oh my god. There's a log There's a really big log in it. I'm serious, bro Look at this and on the day you sexiled me

To a fucking island called tenorife uh, yeah, I feel like I feel like all you can really do here is guard against it happening again because he's he's he has explicitly stated that He that he feels no remorse He's a pretty next time he like comes back and he's like, hey Can you just give me the room for five minutes like really five minutes this time? Like no, I'm not gonna do that. Would you if you were the sexiled man, would you like knock and be like, hey

Knock it off. Let me back in. Yeah, definitely. Would you be like, I'll bro code it up and sit here in silence cold It really I think it really depends Like it depends where my alternative to sleep is in a hallway at an outdoor hallway in tenorife Yeah, I'm not gonna sleep outside for anybody. I don't care. I'll you'll pound I'll knock on the door until somebody lets me in but if like if if I had to like go down to my friend's room and sleep on a couch Which he ended up doing but he had to wait two hours for his friends to come back, right

Yeah, I probably I think I don't know. I don't think I would have I don't think I would have left the room in the first place really That's sort of like what do you do when you're on a Uh bachelor trip in your sharing rooms. It seems like a recipe for disaster. Yeah I mean, it's definitely changed as I've gotten older though. There I feel like there were times when I when When you we were young this was an expectation almost. Have you ever sexiled or been sexiled? I don't I mean not definitely not in any like memorable way

I think there there were times when I like that where we tried to sexile someone and it didn't work And then you had to get your own hotel room or something. Yeah, you spent 240 dollars like Either failing to hook up or actually hooking right or having sex in a hallway somewhere Like where this guy had to sleep is where I've probably The reverse sexile but yeah, like there was I remember like Did you have like and you're like freshman year of college? I remember all of my My friends were on one floor and we're like, oh, it's so like if there's a rubber band or if there's a sock

Tire right around the door That means like I'm getting laid. You got to wait and then for an entire year. No one ever had anything on their door There were no ties to be had that year No, but you've had like have you ever had like sex in the room and like just assume the room it was sleeping That seems to be more prevalent than this full-on sexile. Yeah, I've done that. Yeah. Have you? Yeah, I think that's happened to me before Awesome. Thanks, man I've ever been that guy That's like I can hear you

Um, I can hear sex now. I would like that's the thing though. Like I would rather Sleep in a room where two people were having sex then have to like go outside and sit like wait in the hallway While they had sex I can fall I can sleep through that there needs to be a system in place basically Yeah, I think if you're in the room, you should not have to be roused and have to leave like if the room is occupied You should you You can't kick someone out, but I think if like that dude went home first and had somebody over You're you're allowed to like Maybe be like hey, don't come back in right away. Yeah, it doesn't take that long. Nice. I know when I do it. It doesn't

But I yeah like going having him like sex out for an entire night when he had nowhere else to sleep They probably just passed out. He's like shit for three hours. That's why I should have knocked Um, all right. We are running out of time. Let's get to this fantasy basketball question real quick Because it's kind of a funny question, but no real answer Canadian dude we'll call him Wayne Gretzky Ended up auto drafting his fantasy basketball team and he ended up winning the league I did feel sheepish about this because my team was auto drafted I made sure to keep quiet and not say much and enjoy the win to myself

But after the win the guy who I beat in the finals made a couple comments regarding how my win was unfair because of the auto draft And how I should be penalized for the win I was understanding but it's been months after my victory and he still brings it up every time that there's a conversation about the upcoming year My question is how should I handle this? Should I keep quiet? Should I be more vocal? Was the auto draft win unfair? Most of the guys support me and are and are on my side But there are two guys that give me grief about the win. Thanks about reading the question as I patiently wait for your advice So for those of you, you don't know if you're not at the time if you're not there to draft your team during a fantasy draft

The program will just give you the best available player And it's usually considered a part or bad thing, but if every team is so bad the computer actually beats your friends Which is embarrassing for them, right? I think that you should just give it right back to these guys Like you you made all of your choices and you couldn't beat me Yeah, you're a human and you lost lost to a yahoo auto draft function Also, like fantasy basketball, you have to set your lineups every day. You have to like It's an active thing like he it's more than just the draft Yeah, you probably like I bet you had players that got injured. You had to like

Pick people up off the wire. Maybe you made a trade or something He does in the first paragraph. He says he made a trade uh getting rid of curry and getting kawai. So that also helped him Yeah, what do you think? Yeah, tell all your friends to fucking Suck suck it dude. That's cool. Yeah Hey, suck it friends That's cool. Yeah. Hey suck it actually just play this for them. Hey friends suck it You're the way you're gesturing to your crotch is like your hand is really small I'm doing the suck it but I can only use my one left small hand

Your hand is tiny and my my wrist is Your stump your your supine on the couch your stomach is is out suck it you're motioning towards the left part of your Belly not not even your balls above it. Yeah, yeah, like just over your navel to be sucking it I don't think you know what suck it is suck it dude Unstick your fingers. They're so tightly wound. Uh, all right. Thanks for listening. Thanks for writing in if you have your own questions Your own theme songs. It's all if I were you show at gmail.com The opening theme song was written by Elise this closing one is written by

It's a theme song based on a true story. Shout out to sammy on the piano I have nothing to plug but we recently started a band and would like feedback on our name barely legal What do you think about that for a band name? Not great. Too pornographic. Yeah, hard to find Hard to find for a name of a band. Yeah A searching barely legal is not going to yield results related to your band And then it says psr band also does porn so maybe Look two for one action. All right, cool. That works then. All right. Thanks, Cole. Thanks, Elise Thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back next week. Ciao. Peace

The morning I sleep She stole my Which is right where she Out of work Hey That was a headgum podcast