If I Were You - 39: Facebook Official (with Streeter Seidell)

Episode Date: November 21, 2013

In this episode we discuss masturbation, pornography, and Amir's driving skills. Or lack thereof.This episode is brought to you by HuluPlus.com! Check out HuluPlus.com/Amir for two free weeks of movies and televisions shows. That is, if you like TV and movies...See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If I were you, if I were you, I'd email my brothers to see what to do. If I were you, oh, I would appear, cause it's shaking in here, and if I were you. Lovely. Jazzy. Jazzy. Er, classy. Er, sassy. Soothing.

And soothing was the correct answer. Words. Words. Anyway, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast show on the internet, hosted in a hotel room in Madison, Wisconsin. I'm Amir. And I'm Jake. And we're here with.

Streeter. Seidel. Thanks for the assist. We are on the road, as they say, doing a ton of shows where at this point we've done six of eight shows, one more tonight in Madison, Wisconsin, and then one more in Minnesota. And then we can finally sleep in the same bed for two nights in a row. I think we can finally quit. We can retire.

Yeah. For what? I'm going to die at the end of this. You're raging too hard. Would you say? Who's that's the, um, the, like the tall tale about the guy that, uh, raced against the locomotive machine to like, you know, make the tracks. I have no idea.

Oh my God. Sorry, Jake. Yeah. Jake, uh, cut some mushrooms. Yeah. What was the tall tale about me fucking, fucking going head to head with Jimi Hendrix? Jake also had diarrhea right now. He's vomiting.

He's very sick. I had mushrooms. He was born with a hammer in his hand. Can I, do I need I say more? Really? We didn't know you. Nobody knows. This isn't, if it's not Paul Bunyan or Johnny Appleseed, I don't know it.

Oh my God. Okay. Now I just want to point out, and I know this isn't my podcast. It is today. It's his podcast, but Jake is violating the airplane mode. Thank you, Streeter. On his phone. I'm finding, I can't, I can't not know this.

I like, I just can't deal with all the emails and tweets that I'm going to get. Are you talking about me? Who it is? Are you talking about Donnie railroad tie? No, no. Well, yeah. The guy with the hammer. Yeah.

The hammer guy. Yeah. He raced against the rail. Yeah. And then at the end he became, uh, that's what nails are. And yeah. Yeah. He's a golden spike.

I'm so desperate to find this out. I just Googled Bormsitha hammer. John Henry. You guys never heard the tall tale of John Henry? Isn't John Henry somebody in American history, Streeter? He's a, he's a tall tale. You're thinking of John Brown. So the, the tale of John Henry goes, he was the best railroad track builder.

William Henry is who I'm thinking of. Excuse me. And Clay Henry was the fireman and a subway fan. Okay. Uh, all right. So, so he's born with a silver hammer in his hand. He was the best at building railroads and then eventually the machines were going to take over and take all the jobs away from the guys who worked all day and night building

the railroads. The machines are what they call Chinese people. Yeah. Yeah. The, the Chinese immigrant. So he races against. They damn machines. He races against the machine and he wins, but his heart bursts at the end.

So he, so he ultimately, even though he beats the machine, he dies and the machines. So I guess the machine won. So wait. So how is that you? Because you're, you're partying too hard. How dare you compare yourself to an American hero? Cause I'm working really hard. You know, I'm like out there every night doing shows and then racing against the comedy

machine. And then you're getting hammered. Yeah. There we go. That's funny. Yeah. Well, I'm comparing myself to him because I'm going to die at the end of the tour. I'm trying to take every other night off, but you don't have an off mode.

Yeah. You're trying to take every other, you were out last night. Yeah, but I like, and you were, and you were, and you were out in, you were out in Ann Arbor the night before. But in Boston, I was not. I kept, I try to tell you that the way to make sure that you have a good night is to never go to the second bar. And yes, last night I was at the fourth bar and you went to the second bar three times.

That's when you make all the bad decisions at the second bar. I went to the second bar, then I went to the third bar, then I went out to the fourth bar, check out the fourth bar, returned to the third bar and told everyone the fourth bar was dope. And then I went back to the fourth bar and no one followed me. To that point, I think it was the fifth bar because I don't even remember it. And then I was behind bars. You should have just gone and had a midnight cheeseburger in your hotel room like a non-sad

person the way I did. Nothing like a midnight cheeseburger, which is the name of your new restaurant, which is opening up in Madison, Wisconsin. Madison, Wisconsin. On the corner of state and Maine. Fall 2023. We didn't even get to say that that opening theme song was written by Audrey Scott of the band Sick C.

Yeah. Sick C. She's like, if it's a little rough, I can re-record it, but little does she know. She just used it anyway. And it's great. Yeah. It wasn't rough. I found it haunting. Haunting.

Haunting. You're going to hear that late at night while eating your cheeseburger. I would love that song. Midnight cheeseburger. Where are you? Like, I want to play music. Where's our song? I'm hungry.

Hey, I don't want to hear that song. We just came from eating at a cafeteria and playing our mouths tired, which I really enjoyed. You didn't not even like it, did you? Well, to be it, this is what happened. I ate an egg salad sandwich and a bag of sour cream and cheddar potato chips and washed it down with a lemon lime Gatorade. And that was from a 7-Eleven. So by the time we got to the cafeteria, I was...

You weren't feeling the fried cheese? I had the cold sweats. I was ill, tired, and dead. I had been out until 3 a.m. in Chicago. So yeah, I did not feel like having the chicken patty sandwich that I got when we got to the cafeteria. But it was humorously cheap. Everything's like $1.35.

I miss dorm cafeteria food. I was pounding back those cheese curds. Those cheese curds were darn... I mean, it was like I had finally found my people. Yeah. You look like you belong here. Like, yeah, where people don't look at you weird for just eating straight cheese. When I do that at home, everyone looks at me like, what are you doing?

You monster. And I do that here. And they're like, it's good, yeah? Oh, yeah. I'm like, yeah, definitely good. Yeah, sure. Oh, yeah, sure. Oh, you think those cheese curds are good?

You got to go try them down at Cheesy Hut. Actually our mayor is actually a block of cheese. We elected a 40-pound wheel. A wheel, a cheddar. Oh, yeah. It was a landslide too. Yeah. The incumbent didn't even have a stand to chance.

Oh, you can eat the mayor here. Yeah. He's just cheese, then, yeah. You go up and just take a bite, and that's how we vote. So whoever has the least amount of cheese left at the end is the new mayor-elect. Oh, yeah, no. Oh, yeah, no. Oh, golly.

Oh, gosh. Well, our Midwestern accents need to be improved, but that's the gist of it. So you want to explain how the podcast works? Yeah, I have no idea. It's not. I'm a guest. Why would you put that? Yeah, you're right.

All right. Well, so what happens is people email us in their questions, conundrums, sticky situations. We do our best to advise them. Out of these problems, sometimes we do better than others. Sometimes we just berate people. Sometimes we, I don't know, sort of a free-for-all. Yeah, and usually we record it in an apartment. Today we're recording it in a hotel room.

A hotel room in Madison, which is actually really nice. Just to paint the photo, Jake is on a chair next to the bed. Streeter is laying in my bed. No big deal. Gene's on. I'm not even going to think about how dirty they are. They're pretty dirty. They're pretty dirty.

Amir is kneeling on the floor. Your shoes are soaking in the tub, because I guess you're concerned about the germs on them. My shoes and socks are in a vial of rubbing alcohol right now. Amir's been having an absolute meltdown because he doesn't have clean socks. He's been, like, this has been a major source of stress for him all week. Well, this is it. I'm on my last pair of clean socks.

Oh, my God. The end. What will you do? I'll probably wear my gym socks, which are my backup socks, but I don't even want to get into such a terrible situation. Anyway, so these people email us in at, if I were you, show at gmail.com. Feel free to do the same. And we, yeah, let's get to answering some of these questions now.

Let's give this real email a fake name. What about we'll call them names of cities on our tour? So this one's from Madison. Madison. Madison writes in, guys, I need your advice. I met this guy in July at a video game tournament and we really hit it off. We talked for every day. He was super sweet.

We even Skype all the time. We don't live in the same area. Here's the problem. We call each other boyfriend, girlfriend, although it's not official, but he doesn't want to actually make it Facebook official. He still posts little hearts on my wall, likes and comments on my shit, and will call me baby in other cute names. I just don't understand why he doesn't want to be official or at the very least Facebook

official. Any advice or thoughts? Thanks, Madison. So many, so many chicks at video game conventions. He doesn't want to get tied down yet. Oh, so he's like afraid of announcing to the video game world that he's in a relationship. All the other people on Metal Gear Solid are going to make fun of him if he has a girlfriend. You are against Facebook officiality, correct?

Me? Yeah. I, yes, I find it to be abhorrent. You're not even like slightly below neutral. You're like, it's a negative 10 on a scale of negative 10 to 10. I think it's awful. Why do you hate it so much? I think, well, I mean, like you and your wife, I find that, you know, that's normal.

It's complicated between us on Facebook, in real life, we're married. The few times I've entered into Facebook relationships and like they end, you know, inevitably. So it's just, it's such a weird, public, horrifyingly sad thing that like I put like a year of my life into a relationship, it fell apart and then it's just like, oh, Jessica is single. And now I had like three dudes like it and I can now go comment on that, which is nice. No, that's awful. It's like my turmoil, my heartbreak.

So you're more against the breaking up of the Facebook officiality, not the getting into the Facebook. Well, cause as soon as you do, it's just inevitable that you'll have to get out of the Facebook relationship. So you're like, for you, Facebook officiality is like being engaged. You're like, you're only going to do it with the one. I probably wouldn't even want to do it then. It's just like, it doesn't matter.

Would you do it when, if you're married, like at that point, would you be like, this person's my wife or would you still be like, well, but what if we get divorced? I guess if I were married, I would do it. That means a lot to me. Why? I'm unclear on this question. Have these two ever, they've met in real life. They met in real life.

Presumably. It's so complicated and dumb what she's saying. Like we're not, we're not official, but we call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. And you just want to make it Facebook official. Just shut up. It's super confusing. I'm sorry. I'm like cranky, tired, mad, sick and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,

and he's full of cheese curds. Full of cheese curds, to be perfectly honest. But shut the fuck up. Why? It doesn't matter. It's Facebook official. Is it official? Is it not official?

Why don't you, if you care, just be like, Hey, I want to, I want to like make this official on Facebook. If you don't, you can go fuck yourself. I'm going to leave. I would say that's the way to go. It's like, if it's really, even though it's stupid, if it's really bothering you, just bring it up. Right.

If anything's ever really bothering you, you don't like push it down. I think like you can always present something like, Hey, I know this is going to seem small or I know this is going to seem dumb, but it's really bothering me because if the person cares, then it doesn't matter that it's small. It's like, Oh, somebody I care about, you care about is suffering and I should correct it. This could be, this could be one of those things that like, uh, sometimes, you know, you'll find that a girl cares about something that you never even thought for one second.

Yeah. She would care about and then like you're the jerk all of a sudden without even like a totally innocent jerk. Like, Oh, wait, you, you actually care about Facebook? We're like, Oh, yeah, sure. Yeah. Let's, let's totally be Facebook official then. Sorry.

I didn't know you actually gave a shit. What's another example of that? That happens all the time with food. Like one of my wife's birthday. Oh, sorry. Oh, that's a big deal. Do you? Yeah.

Yeah. It's just like, I didn't know I was supposed to remember it. And then like she got really upset when you're like, Oh, well, okay, now I'll try to remember it. Of course. I mean, I always remember. I just never really say anything. I was like, Oh, now I have to get you a gift.

So next year, each year I learn a new thing. You don't know how to be a human, I think. Yeah. I'm learning. Yeah. So every person has a day. Is that? Or do you choose a new day every year?

That's weird. He's probably just still trying to crush. He probably doesn't want to be in a Facebook relationship because he doesn't want people to know. Well, yeah. Well, that's another reason people don't go into Facebook officiality. It's like, well, I don't want all these babes to think that I'm taken. All these other babes on Skype.

Yeah. He's probably Skyping on the side. I'm not even bringing up that. He might have multiple Skype accounts. Multiple Skype roses. The problem is, if he's gotten this far that this girl wants to be official, then you can't hide it. You shouldn't be hooking up with people anyway.

I'm just cutting in. Isn't it weird to be like, yeah, I have an online relationship. We don't see each other ever, but we're official. Yeah. That seems like the worst shit ever. Why would you do that? You know the negative about being far away from your lover? So that's the whole relationship and all the pros of actual physical contact and being

next to each other. That just doesn't exist. We have a masturbation-based relationship so odd. I'm not allowed to meet or talk to anybody in my circle of friends and can't touch anyone in real life. Oh, yeah. I always have to call and check up with a fake online person. It's like online porn that makes you feel guilty.

That's what an online relationship is like. Online porn makes me feel guilty. You ain't watching the right porn. If you ain't feeling guilty, you know what I'm saying? Huh? Huh? I feel like Facebook official is replacing like in our generation, it was like we should have the talk to realize if we're actually boyfriend and girlfriend.

Yeah. That was the big deal. Like, are you guys boyfriend, girlfriend, dating or seeing each other or in a relationship? Now it's like, I don't know for Facebook official yet. That was called DTR, remember? To find the relationship. Oh, yeah. There's something I'm almost in my mind like Facebook like it weakens the relationship.

Like it undermines it. It's like, oh, I have to just I have to show everyone that I have a girlfriend. I have to like be like, oh, this girl is my girlfriend, guys. It seems like insecure, you know? Right. Like your anything you put on Facebook is bragging. Right. So why don't I just like, if I could was capable of love, why don't I just like have a connection

with somebody that's like, I don't care if it's on Facebook or not. Let the relationship see for itself. Listen to you two robots, dude. Don't you think that some girl you were with wants you to brag about her? Like don't you wouldn't don't you think she'd be like, like you're over absolutely overstepping your bounds. I'm sorry. You're sociopaths.

You're two so isolated sociopaths. I know this. It's a three person podcast, but you're ganging up on us. I mean my logic, I think Streeter and his logic and his good points are ganging up on us right now. It's three against two somehow. I'm sorry guys. Let's go back to talking about me being fat and cheese stuff.

This is not cool the way, the way you, you had a good point and it took me down at pay. We sort of build each other up because when it's just us two, who's going to tell us that we're on? I opened the door to this little self positive echo chamber we asked you to be on the, on this show, not cause you thought, we thought you'd come in here and give us a different opinion, which different means bad in our mind. I thought you asked me to be on cause I was already in Amir's bed and you were setting up the lights.

I was falling asleep when you started, you said about kicking me out. You said, let me on the show where I'm going to scream every three minutes and interrupt your podcast. You pulled down your pants, squatted on the bed, pushed out a log halfway out of your ass. I've never seen anything like it. One more push and it's on the sheets. This is what's known as the tipping point.

It's the halfway point. I can either suck it back in or let it flop down. I told them there's no way you can suck that in. You call me Malcolm Gladwell, man. This is the tipping point. It took me 10,000 hours to perfect this. So don't blame or you'll miss it because guess what? I'm David.

Y'all go live. Y'all. You gotta, you're going to have to get out of this room and be a little outliers cause they, they're going to, they're going to take a minute to clean you out of this hotel. Yeah. That's what happened. That's why we put you on the show. I hope that answered her question.

So you were saying it's good to have a lady that you're worth, that's worth bragging about. I felt like, so when, when Vanessa and I started dating, as you know, I was very, Vanessa is your wife. My wife. Now when we started dating, I was like very excited to go on Facebook and be like, this is my girlfriend. I wanted everyone to know.

Like I wanted to brag about it and I'm sure that made her feel good. So I think that's the problem there. Have you ever met someone that you think you'd want to brag about on Facebook? Yeah. Is there someone that you'd want to brag about? There is someone I'd want to brag about. I mean, I've been with people that I wanted to brag about, but I wouldn't put it on Facebook because I know that I'll end up breaking up with them and have to like delete that relationship.

I feel like you think other people care a lot more about your relationships than they do. You know all these people out there watching my status. They do. That does that. Like a breakup shows up in a news feed and that's some, that's shit that people talk about. Not saying to me specifically, but.

Doug, I'm just clowning. No, like it's not. Yeah. Yeah. Of course you're clowning, but it's still, you're putting me on blast. You're putting me on blast right now on a Wednesday. On a Wednesday. I think it's not fair.

We had a long tour. It's a Wednesday afternoon, 4 p.m. Blast. That's too early to be blasted. That's another thing we'd be doing on the tour is putting people on blast. I have to give Dave Rosenberg credit for putting me on blast. The first time we had Dave talked about being put on blast, it was like he can't put me on blast on a Sunday.

I was calling him out for some shit and then I thought he was like, I'm like Monday blast. It was like, you know, really the only day I could be put on blast is Wednesday. By then I really deserve it. Just blasting each other on an hourly basis. I deserve to be put on blast for my actions. That's true. You true street. Let's at least try to give this girl advice.

I don't know if we've actually given her advice or just launched off. Oh, you know what? Hold on. Let me segue this, man. I would say put that dude on blast if it's bothering you. I was literally saying the exact same thing. Put that dude on blast. Sorry.

I'm going to put you on blast right now and I don't think you're going to say that same thing. How dare you? I should put you on blast for not trusting me on my goddamn show. Who's on blast though? Now I'm confused. This is like a Abbott and Costello routine. Who's on blast?

Yes. No, no. Who's on blast? Yes. The guy on blast. Yes. Second blast. Exactly.

Who's on blast? A modern vaudeville routine. But you just said this girl should STF you and now you're telling them to tell the boyfriend that it bothers you? Dude, I'm fucking coked out of my mind. I'll tell her anything. I'm sorry. I'm not allowed to contradict myself on this show.

Jake's been trying to get sniff in every city and guess what? He's succeeding. I succeeded, dude. I got fucking yip that yim that yay to rest stop. His teeth are ground down to a fine powder. Oh my God. I just, oh my God. I'm actually like a friend up.

I just like, Streeter introduced me to a friend on the street. That's true. I got Jake addicted to a friend. What is it? Oh, the nasal spray? The friend. Dude, I'm friend up right now. We're so friend out.

We've been calling it nerd coke. You guys are, you guys are looking forward to having been congested. We're talking about it. I start licking my lips. I'm like, I'm like fucking itching for that friend right now. It is addictive, right? Isn't that a thing? Yeah, highly, highly.

It's not chemically addictive. You get addicted to smelling things. And then you stop taking it. You can't smell anything. You're all stuffed up. And you're like, I need that friend. That friend. Give me that friend.

I remember asking you on day two or three, what was the last day of your life that you hadn't been, hadn't taken one pill or done one chemical thing? And you said it's been like what? Five? Yeah. Almost a decade. I bet you have medicine every day over the counter side. Oh man.

That's what they call me. Streeters walked into like, we did it in Arlington and in Ann Arbor. He walks into like a kid in a candy store. He walks into Walgreens. So giddy. So happy. And then you come over. Like both times he bought his shit.

I thought it was like a display near the register of medicine was like so many different medicines. When you guys were hungover at Weber's hotel, who knew the remedy over the counter side? They'll pick you up nice. You were like a leave coffee, a little affrin. Is that why you're drug lord? Is that why you married a doctor? No, she actually is.

She gets furious with me about the amount of over the counter medicines I take on the rank. Did she write you prescriptions? She could. I think she could, but she wouldn't. I think you lose your license for that. Does your dad write you drug prescriptions? Your dad checks out your vagina all the time.

My dad's a gynecologist. Yeah, he gives me a vagisil and tells me to rub it on my lips if I want to feel something. Mears looking a little yeasty right now. Takes me to this vagisil. He used to call me and my brothers the yeasty boys actually. The yeasty boys. I came over your house once. You, Yair, and Ben were all in stirrup in the living room.

He was administering a pap spear to each of you guys. He called it a group anal pap and we did that bi-weekly. We tested positive for shit in our rectum, which is actually very healthy for growing boys. Stirrup. I actually don't talk about my family. Really? No, yeah.

You're going to put me on blast for that? Your brother's on blast. I'm not going to stand up for that. I'll dare you, man. Whoa, what's that noise? I think it's a choo-choo train. It just ran to the window, looked back with a smile on his face. I think it's a choo-choo train.

What other kind of trains are there, man? Only choo-choo. Exactly. Choo-choo. Just like me with that cheese. Choo-choo. Choo-choo. Choo-choo.

Choo-choo. Me and that apron. Choo-choo. Get a ride on the apron train. Choo-choo. Choo-choo, baby. I got a bouncer kicked down a stalled door the other night. I was in there in the bathroom.

I just fucking leaned over the rail with a fucking apron up my nose. You want some of this nerd coke? I thought he was going to kick me out, but he stepped in, locked the door behind him, and fucking made me give it to me motion. It was crazy. You have such wild nights. I do. I did an apron with a fucking bouncer in Chicago, man.

I did an apron. I snorted a Flintstone vitamin. I ate a whole freaking kielbasa. Oh, yeah. Oh, gosh. I took a leave and I just passed right out then, yeah. Yeah. I stayed awake for 36 hours in a hot dog's line, actually.

Started hallucinating. That shit will check your ego. It really will. It had a bacon and snake dog there. Snake dog. All right. Should we move on to the next question? Sure.

We spent more than enough time on that one. More than, actually. Is there another leg of this tour we can call this guy? Chicago. Like a rich, sounds like a rich air or something. Sir Burlington writes, So I have a question slash need some advice from you guys. How do I quit jerking off?

Last time I quit jerking off, I quit for a week and I legit felt better and wanted to actually converse and listen to women rather than just wanting to plow through them and get the hell out of my house. Keep up the good work. Hey, you guys used my question. Thanks.

Oh, my God, it's Burlington himself. Sir. Hello, I'm Sir Burlington. How do I stop jerking off, boys? I have a problem, you see. Hey, man, you know what they say, quitting jerking off is easy. I've done it a thousand times.

Oh, Mark Twain. 1988. Holy shit, that can't be. He lives. So... Well, have any of you guys ever tried to quit jerking off? I've tried to like take... I mean, I would never be like, I quit.

I would be like, I'm gonna take a break because I just came and I need like a two-hour fresher. Let my seed grow a little bit. I don't think I've ever tried to quit. I mean, quit, that's so final, you know. Yeah, you don't quit. I think of anything I've... Like, I've realized that I accidentally quit

for like a month. Oh, Jesus Christ. You would go a month without jerking off? Dude, when you live with a woman in a loft where there's no other room to go to, I mean, you kind of, yeah. Sometimes you just don't have time.

You don't have the privacy. You don't need the privacy. You just go into the bathroom, pretend you're taking a shower. That's so sad. It's not sad, it's fucking coming. It's fun. Take your iPhone into the bathroom. Why don't you just actually do it in the shower?

Why do you have to use your iPhone and pretend you're a shower? I'm just saying that's what I would do. I would have an imagination. You can hear the sounds of what? Like the girl moaning. Use your brain. It's nicer to have the sounds. All the sounds are in you, Peter.

If you just listen to them. I think there are... They've done studies that are like, it's bad for guys to watch porn. The way you watch porn is detrimental. It's okay to jerk off, but you should maybe watch less porn. There was that article in New York magazine about that.

Porn is ruining a generation of men because you can just see anything you want whenever you want it. So real sex is becoming boring. Although I'd never found that. Yeah, I'm still not bored. But I do think that when I was younger and I would have to jerk off

with using my imagination, it took less time. Now I'll sit and watch porn for like an hour. Wow. That's like a time suck. You won't even be masturbating, too. You're just watching it as a fan and a critic. When I was younger, it was like,

you have to do it in the next 15 minutes or your mom is going to be like, I know you're not taking a shower anymore. Isn't that a funny thought that your parents would get mad at you for masturbating? I remember having that thought, like, I can't get caught because mom and dad will be furious.

I don't think they'll be furious. I think it'll just be terribly embarrassing. Yeah, I know. I mean, now that's what I realize it would just be embarrassing, we had a question last week about a mom who was... The name deserved to be parents. Take that child away.

I'll tell you this, the one time I had sex, it was so much better than masturbating. I'm looking forward to that again. You're saying the one time you had sex... You're married. Yeah, on our wedding night was the time. So when we're ready to have a kid,

we'll do it again. Oh, no. That's awesome. You had laid? I had laid, dude. You had laid? I had lain with a woman once. Oh, my God.

Tell me everything. Tell me everything, man. I wish everyone could see how Jake's shivering with excitement. Jake's quivering at a rate that makes him look like a hummingbird. Oh, no! He's just a blur at this point.

He's actually flying. Jake's flying around the room. He can fucking float. He's like an electron. You can never pinpoint his exact location. He's everywhere and nowhere at once. I swear to God, the only thing that's tethering into the room right now

is that he's holding the mic. It's like watching a dandelion float around. It's unbelievable. He's turning into different feathery particles. At this point, he's more of an idea than a person. He's more of a presence than a human.

No, we can't see. We know what the soul is. It's a bright, bright light that's even lighter than whiteness. I can't even know how to describe it. I can't help but feel like we've gotten off track. That happens a lot on this show.

This question is, how do I stop jerking off? I guess, don't. I think that would be my advice. I think there is a reddit called we can directly do a reddit. That's the answer to every question. I think it's called NoFap.

What is it? Interesting things that I've never been doing? I think Sam Rice sent it to me once. It's like a support group for dudes who are trying not to jerk off. If you have a sponsor, like, hey, Streeter, it's Jake.

I'm feeling low. I'm going to jerk off. I kind of want to grab it with my hand. I want to touch it, man. Stay strong. Stay on the phone with me. I'm going to come over right now. You think wet dreams are... Wet dreams are something they look forward to

because it's like, oh, I didn't masturbate, but I still came, or it's like cheating. No, I had a wet dream. I think that's natural. I guess I have no idea. These people are cannibals to me. It's disgusting what they do. To me, it's like an insult

to me. We made a deal with the universe where it's like, we know we're going to die, which is horrible, but what we got instead was it feels pleasant when we pull on it. We have pleasure buttons. That's there as the trade

for knowing you're going to die. Why would you not want to pull on it? Just go back to distracting yourself from knowing that you're going to die from death. It's just like, oh, man, someday I'm not going to be here, but I'm going to yank on my dick and it'll feel good for the next 10 minutes.

I'll take that deal. This is Adam talking to God. Let me just present you with the other deal. Oh, my God, it's working. Holy shit, this is great. You can live forever. I'm totally fine with my own mortality. As long as I get what?

70, 80 years? This is amazing. You had a funny joke on stage. If guys could have multiple orgasms, there would never be guys because we would have gone extinct at the first dude. He would have just had an orgasm and been like, whoa, that was amazing.

Oh, hey, it still feels good. Let me just do this again. And then he would just starve to death in two weeks. That would have been that. Have you guys ever tried to parrot masturbation down? Like, oh, I do it too much? Yeah, I've parroted it down before.

We're like... Um... It's okay to go on a diet. You just don't want to fast. I use it almost strategically sometimes where it's like, oh, I feel like the wife and I got a hotel tonight.

I better beat off in the morning so that in the evening I have more stamina. I think it depends on your mood. If I'm feeling like really turned on before I'm going to go out, I'll jerk off so I have stamina. Sometimes if I'm in a relationship,

I'll have to not jerk off because, like, then I won't be able to get as hard later. Because you find the person you're with repulsive now that they're committed to you? You get less attracted to the person as time goes on. Strange. I don't feel that at all, but all right.

Well, you've got your soulmate. Your wife's a goddamn smoke show, all right? We don't all get Vanessa. Jake loves my wife. She loves Jake. You know what? Honestly, that's just something Old Street's going to have to live with. And I actually would love this opportunity

to just say, Vanessa, I love you. So do I, baby. Vanessa, come home. And then come home, after you go home with him. Or just text me. Just let me know where you are. Tell me everything. I don't care if you drink in my house,

as long as you do it safely. As long as I'm there. So the advice is to not stop jerking off. Yeah, don't stop jerking off. You get crazy too. I feel like you need to get rid of it sometimes. Or you get a little crazy. Come as poison, expel it from your body.

It gets rotten and then those are bad sperm and then they infect all the other sperm. Yeah, your balls just get bigger and bigger and bigger like a water balloon filling up in a spigot until it's finally... You want to be walking around like you've got two oranges in a garbage bag? Absolutely not.

Hell no. We will go. Hell no. They will grow. So that's our advice. Don't actually... What's a good amount? One a day? Once a day? Whenever you're feeling it, as long as it's not inhibiting you from hanging out with your friends.

Yeah, you know what that's what it is? It's like smoking weed. Go ahead and do it right up until you're putting off and not doing other things so you can sit there and smoke weed by yourself. Right, yeah. As soon as you're just jerking off, I should go see my family.

They're like, no, I'm going to sit in my room and tug my stick so I don't think about how I'm going to die. Am I the only one who does that? No, totally. I jerk off thinking about death, but I'm weird. Yeah, no, the character. The grim reaper.

Grim reaper porn. So bony. So clokey and bony and siffy. Is masturbation to you like medicine is the street? Do you remember the last day you did masturbate or do days go by where you don't masturbate? Days go by where I don't masturbate.

It's not like an everyday thing for you. Can I tell you a funny masturbation story? No, we're okay. We're actually running out of time. Thank you so much. So when you get to college, there's often a massive drop off and you're jacking off because all of a sudden you're in a room with three other dudes

and you don't know them and you're like, well, I'm not just going to jerk off in here. So it becomes very scarce. Five minutes locked the door. You so casually care about your roommate schedule. So you're going to stay the whole class, right? I knew my roommate's better. I knew my roommate's schedule better than I knew mine.

Like, oh, shit, when do I have lab? I knew when Ken had lab. I would skip class when Steve and Matt were at class because that would be my jerk off. They're all at home. So whether you guys are going to go to class. I'm also not feeling well. Can we just all jerk off right now?

All right, so that's what happened. My friend Tim, my buddy Tim and I, we lived together and like, at some point we became good enough friends. We were just like, you know what, dude, I really want to jerk off. Can you leave for 10 minutes? And it was amazing and then eventually

we just got to the point where we'd be like, I'm going to go up in the loft and jerk off. And I'd be like, all right, cool. I'll stay down here and jerk off. And it was the greatest arrangement ever. You just like, as you get lazier and lazier, you stop shaving, you start growing your hair out, you start eating like shit.

And you're like, and you know what? I'm not going to leave the room when you jerk off. It was one of the best things that ever happened to me in college because all of a sudden it was like, yeah, now I'm comfortable in my own dorm. Yeah. You broke a wall down there. Yeah, we did.

With your cum. Yeah. And also Tim and I eventually started hooking up with each other a lot. My masturbate. Yeah, we did. During graduation, instead of walking, you guys rolled on the stage 69.

You know what, man? Let me choke on that trash hat for a minute. Trouts now. You know, it's not gay if you're both jerking each other off, because it's like you're tugging on your own dick. It just happens to be someone else's. It's called the virtual reality. You ever have a jack-off race with your friend

where you jerk each other off and see? Oh, the oogie cookie? Sorry, Tim. He's like a professional businessman now. I'm like, we used to agree about jerking off and what? Yeah, don't bring him down to your level. He has a real job. I got a goddamn reputation.

None of these people know I masturbate. You're a garbage can comedian, but I'm doing something here. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist,

is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place, and it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist,

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They have 24-7 live customer support, email campaigns, data. You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace. For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy Amir Blumenfeld is a gooddude.com. I bet that's available, and you can have it today,

and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me. Or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life, and maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to squarespace.com

slash if I were you for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code IFIWAREYOU to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, squarespace.com slash IFIWAREYOU. Free trial. Everything looks good. Let's launch it.

Just use that offer code IFIWAREYOU to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. We usually take a little break now. Is there anything that we haven't talked about about this tour that we wanted to? Probably. I said trout snout,

so I feel like that was the one thing I wanted to get in. On blast. Yeah, on blast trout snout. Goose meat. Yeah, Streeter started calling a vagina as goose meat, which I think makes a lot of sense if you think about it. We're calling dicks trout snouts

and vaginas goose meat. And sex was drilling for corn. Oh, yeah, that's right. Drilling for corn. I thought a vagina was trout snout. It might have been. I don't know, man. No, because goose, it was goose.

No, that would make goose meat the dick. No, no, no. Goose meat and trout snout were both vaginal euphemisms. Was trout snout not a butthole? You know what? I mean, I feel like, you know, use it the way you want. Use it when it feels right. Yeah.

To me, trout snout felt like dick, but to you it might have felt like butthole and you might want to drill that corn. That's true. That's you doing you. We're not going to, we're going to knock that. We're like a bunch of children, which is fine. Like we're all, we're 30.

Jake's getting close to 30 professionals. And when we're in a car together for four hours, all we do is make like duty and poopy jokes and like say things like trout snout and then crack the fuck up for like two hours. Make weird little raps. What was the rap? Yo, that loose meat, that goose meat.

Oh yeah. Let me get that poosy, that goose meat, that loose meat. I'm going to lose me in some goose meat. That's the cut. I feel like men like reach 11 years old and then we're like, well, this is good. I'll stay here mentally forever. Have fun women.

You suck. You just, student just had the vision of driving off the road on the way to Minneapolis and just ending it all. I could kill us all. Which Amir tried to do, I think, when we drove from Burlington. That's actually, I feel like you should do a, we should do a special,

or you guys should do a special episode where you just talk about Amir's fucking insane driving. Let's talk about Amir's driving on our break. It is funny because my friends at home make fun of me because I'm a very cautious, like nervous, slow driver. They're like, oh, Amir doesn't know how to take risks. He doesn't drive very cavalierly.

He hasn't driven in a while. And then I drove with you guys and it was the exact opposite. You were like, you were a drunk driver with a death wish. Here's what it is. I think it's like LA, there's lots of like traffic and lights and signs and that confuses you. Because when we got off, that shocks you.

That shocks you. That's too much stimulus for you. When we got off the exit to go to that gas station, it was like a stop sign. The gas station was across the street and you crept for maybe 30 seconds into the lane to the point where like, you were in the lane, you had made the turn, but you're still looking over your shoulder.

So cautious that it becomes dangerous again. Right, right. But like on the open road, when we were on the highway, you were doing a hundred in the rain, in New Hampshire. We're on a road, by the way, like that's the scale. Like I understand if I'm driving down like I-95, I-91, these are highways that I've been on. I know every turn.

I know all the exits. I can go fast. Stop bragging. I'm saying, I know how 95 works. Trust me. Exit 22 to 64. Because I'm going 95. That's my territory.

You know your roads. So there's some roads that you're like, okay, I'm going to take you these up here. I know there's like a pothole. I know there's a quick turn. We've never been to New Hampshire. I feel so at home in America that like every road is my road. So scary.

You don't know what there's going to be. Yeah, and that's the fucking adventure. I don't want to go on that road because I'm scared. No, every road, every road leads me to a new place. And I want to tackle it head on. I want to go 105. So bad. Amir's driving was so bad on the way from Burlington to Boston that I got sick.

Sick. Sick. And had to leave the show the second I was done. And you did a semester at sea without ever feeling nauseous. I've never felt nauseous in a car ever. And we were swaying back and forth. And I remember- He was complaining.

He was windy. He was windy. That's his lie. I was looking at the trees. The trees weren't moving at all. So how would I swerve the car left and right? Because you were just going with your hand. You were just moving the wheel.

I swear to God, I think we got from Burlington to Boston in one hydroplane. I think we drifted. I think we drifted across New York. We drifted. There was the one time that I was like really scared. We were going around a bend. There was- Keep in mind, this is a guy who has unprotected sex for a living.

For him to be really scared means a lot. And I don't need- It was crazy. A merge, a turn, a driving rain, and an unfamiliar road. Amir is doing 95. One hand in the steering wheel, the other in a Chex mix bag. I'm on the verge of vomiting in the back seat with a fever. I'm not even eating.

David has his head to his knees. He's praying to the only God that he knows that we at least die quickly. Because he's accepted the fact that we're crashing toward demise. All these brake lights are on and all I feel is not the car slowing down, not you releasing the brake, but accelerating. As if we can go through them somehow. And I only got into two accidents. I remember trying to get Amir to slow down.

You were doing it too. I realized that we live our lives in bits. We're always doing a bit. Amir really thought we were doing a bit. I was like, dude, slow down. You have to stop. I'm not. I don't feel well.

He's like, okay. Did you say speed up? I was like, oh my god. I'm gonna fucking throw up back here. And the bitcoins were crashing at that point. Yeah. We were crashing and the bitcoins at the same time. That was the other thing from this trip that's been fun.

Oh, just tracking how bitcoins are good. Yeah, watching fortunes being made and lost in our car by the minute. A million dollars on bitcoin on this very trip. Oh my god, so close. The problem is he lost 1.2 the next day. So he's in the hole for 200 grand. Ah, now we had fun. We do.

The thing is I'm not offended by this because I am a bad driver. I'm willing to admit that. It's not like you're attacking something that I think that I'm good at. You're a bad writer. I've never seen anyone, you suck at writing. I've never seen anybody drive so much like a grandpa up on the steering wheel while going so fast. It's at least unique. Give me that much.

It was unique. It was a unique move. I've never seen it before. Hands at 10 and 2, eyes looking very alert. But you're going over 100 miles an hour. 158 miles an hour sideways through a hail storm in a New Hampshire windy riverbrook brook road. By 10 o'clock you mean checks mix. By 10 and 2 you mean 10 o'clock and then two bags of checks mix.

By the drivers, whatever, the stick ship thing. Stick ship, that stiff dick, that loose meat, loose meat. That's another fun thing we've been doing is rapping about people's names. The meet and greets afterwards. We ask the guys their names and we ask the girls their names and we just always turn it into a rap about that person having a huge dick. Which works 40% of the time and then someone's like really shy. He's like, hey, my name's Colin. You guys are like, Colin, Colin, slob on his bobbin.

I'll fall down. He's like, oh yeah. Can I just actually have a- There was also that kid yesterday. My brother's sick and he really is a big fan. What's your brother's name? Jason. Jason.

I'm Jason. That's Tayson. There was also that kid yesterday that said his name was Jesus and we were just like dead silent. Why don't you have a big hand? You want a big button? All right. Let's at least answer one more question. Then we can legitimately call this an advice podcast.

Fair enough. Y'all ready for this? Look at all like passive aggressive. Well, you're the one who said you had to get out of here and start masturbating. I know. Before five. Is it five? Oh my god.

All right. Ready? Yep. I'm barely going to have an hour. Hey dudes, Boston writes. Hey dudes, last school year this girl and I began talking and I really liked her. After a while I asked her out and she gave me the I'm not interested in a relationship right now spiel. Shortly after that she just became pretty unresponsive in real life and over text to me until summer

break when we plain stopped talking. Shortly thereafter, I began working out and eating right to rebuild the confidence as this particular rejection really got to me. Fast forward several months and I'm now a buff and a cool. Suddenly she's all interested in me. I kind of like her back still, but it annoys me that she only likes me now that I'm in good shape. I feel like if we do enter into a relationship, I'll always feel like she doesn't exactly like me enough to go out with me if I were in less shape. Less shape. I'm worried this could be a shallow relationship.

Am I overthinking this? Shall I stop being such a prude and go out with this nude love Boston? Yes. Yeah. Yes. It sounds like if anything she did you a favor, right? Right. It's weird that he's like, hey, I liked this girl, but she wasn't physically attracted to me.

Then I worked out and now she's physically attracted to me. Yes. That's why you worked out. Right. Your goal was accomplished. Yeah. It sounds like this dude was just bragging. He just wanted to brag about how he's in shape now and girls like him.

I really wanted to hike up this mountain, but I wasn't in good enough shape, so I worked out and now I can do it, but it's like, is this mountain a jerk? Am I overthinking this hike? Should I just sack up and take the hike? Being physically attracted to someone is a major component of liking them. If he wasn't her type and then he worked out, she liked muscles. Here we go. You uncracked the code. What's the point of like, if you're not physically attracted to someone, then just be their friend.

All relationships are just like a friendship where you also are attracted to the person. Right. She doesn't sound like she was that mean. She was like, I'm just not interested in a relationship with you. She wanted to be his friend. Isn't that what she said? This is a long time span too. I'm not interested in a relationship right now.

Right. Then the end of school, then summer, then next year comes. It's like maybe she changed her mind. Doesn't this remind you of a movie where the girl doesn't want to date the nerd? Then the nerd becomes cool and then the girl's like, ooh, I'm into you. And then the cool move is the nerd being like, well, I'm going to reject you now. Isn't that more of a victory than actually going out with someone? That's petty.

The victory is hooking up with the person you wanted to hook up with. Not with rejecting her like she rejected you? What do you get from that? There's always somebody that liked you all along, which is like super romantic. Right. You know the trick is you got to take the girl's glasses off and then you realize how pretty she is. Because we all know glasses make you an ugly. Oh, yeah, totally.

We're really ugly. What? What happened there? Sorry, we had a little audio glitch. This is my throat. So you don't think there's anything to rejecting the girl? Not really. I mean, I guess it depends.

You still are into her and you can't fault her for just being physically attracted to you. You just called yourself a buff and a cool. So you're aware that you're a smoke show. You deserve it. She's a little jealous of you right now. Dude, you're perfect pecs and you're rippling abs. Are you kidding me? Why doesn't this dude flip the situation on himself and be like, there's a girl who's a bust.

But you guys get along as like buddies and she's interested in you and you're just not attracted to her. She goes away, comes back in like six months looking hot. Like, you know, I feel like that's totally understandable. Remember when, remember like in high school when like someone would go away for the summer, you come back. And someone who was not attractive all of a sudden was like super hot. Totally changed the way you thought about them. What'd they do over the summer? Grew tits.

Wow. I mean, there was one summer that I grew a foot and I grew my hair super long and I came back to school and I got one hand job that year. So like, things changed. I literally, when I had my driver's license test, this girl I had a crush on was like, if you get your license, call me. Like, holy shit, that changes the game. That was the last time a government document got anyone laid. But like, that's crazy. She was basically like, if you don't get your license, you are not cool to me.

And if you do, then you are. I think this dude should, should hook up with this girl or like go out a little bit and see if, you know, whatever. Stop worrying about it. Stop being such a dork. I think you should emotionally abuse her in some way. At the very least, yeah. Why don't you just, you just go back, you fuck her, you fuck her over now. You know what you should do. You make her feel rejected.

You make her get fat. It's about revenge. Yeah. You can be like, I love you, but I'd love you even more if there was some more cushion for the push. I wish she had a little meat on damn bones. Yeah. I want some cheese curds up in this. Yeah.

Yo, you get that fatty goose meat. You get that fatty ass goose meat, though. I like my goose meat a little, a little. My salty ass trowel. Well, marble goose meat for this trout snout. All right. There it is. Go for it.

She's the reason you lost the weight and became buff. So at least, at least enjoy it. Yeah. Otherwise you did it for nothing. Who cares about health reasons? Right. It's like you grew a garden and there's all this delicious food and you're like, no, it's just because I watered it and took care of the garden that the food grew.

I'd hate to cheat. Reap the benefits of your efforts. I'm overthinking this garden. Cool. There it is. That's our first hotel podcast. We're performing tomorrow or Friday in Minneapolis. This is the one episode that's going to come out before the tour is over.

So if you're listening in Minneapolis, there's still tickets available. I assure you. So please check out collegehumor.com. C-H on tour to watch us hang out, make jokes, have fun, relax, die, live. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Goose meat. Hashtag goose meat. Oh my God.

I hope that becomes a hashtag. The first theme song, we're still accepting theme song submissions. They're coming in fast and furious. We really appreciate it. That first one was from someone from the band, or Audrey from the band Sick C. And this last one is from someone named Grandmaster Kate. Street or anything you want. I'll pluggy plug before we get out of here.

No, you know what? I'm just going to say no. And I'm going to say thank you guys so much for having me on your podcast. What a pleasure it's been to be on tour together. You're the best. And I am just going to plug Streeters book white wine. Just because he didn't ask me to. Just because he gave me $25.

I feel like it'll be a pimp move if I take a knee and you come to bat for me. I'll sell you this. It's the best book I've written this year. So check out Streeters white wine book. And yes, thank you so much for listening, everybody. See you on Monday. That's it. Thanks again to huluplus.com for bringing us back so early.

Huluplus lets you binge on thousands of hit TV shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smart form or tablet. So you can help support us by checking out huluplus.com forward slash amir. And that'll give you an extended free trial. Thanks y'all.