If I Were You - 39: Would You Do That?

Episode Date: July 29, 2024

In this episode we discuss hypothetical politicians, questions, and try to figure out whether or not Jake would do that.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HITGUM original. It Now let me to two pathetic hoes Suckers It actually does hit different to raise our hands to the insulting version. Yeah. I like that. It's like a kid who's not happy but still has to smile. Yeah, because it's his birthday. I'm mad.

Yeah, you got me kicked. It's not the one I wanted, but I'll smile. I don't even want to smile. I'll just say cheese. Cheese. Oh yeah. That's how cheese really works. Cheese. Oh, damn it. You got me. I can't say cheese without smiling. That's how much I like it. I wonder if there's a foreign language equivalent to saying cheese in every language. Hmm. That's actually a really good question.

It's a really interesting thought. That's a good shower thought Reddit style. Like in France, you wouldn't say, say fromage, which is cheese, but doesn't require you to smile while you say it. Right. Exactly. Exactly.

Yeah. You should, you should r slash shower thought that. I should write a book of philosophy that. You should actually, I should actually be a theologist. I should add to Reddit like a little fucking troll. I should publish my musings because they are a music. By the way, the answer is probably just no, right? I think it's just no.

Yeah. For that one, but I'm filled with life's little sort of idiosyncratic mysteries. Like- Okay, give me that one. Let's move on. But I'm filled with life's little sort of idiosyncratic mysteries. Like. Okay, give me another one. Yeah, like what? Like. Your first one was, is there an equivalent of say cheese in another language,

which is interesting, but kind of try it, go on. What's the second one? Like. Cause you said you had a lot. Like, why do they call it Long Island? It's not long and it's not an island or something like that. Right. Well, that's kind of a bad stand-up joke. I think it is actually a long, it's an island.

That one is, but I'm saying like Rhode Island then. Yeah. There's probably a reason. Yeah. But it's not an island. Yeah. All I'm trying to say. Yeah. I'm just trying to say. I wouldn't necessarily publish a, you're thinking you should like publish a book of like things that you should maybe Google.

Yeah, not really musings. Tales from a boring internet. Just boring Google searches. Yeah, like sort of philosophical wonderings and thunderings about this, that, and not necessarily even the other. Right, the book jacket writes itself. I feel like I'm worried about everything between the two covers.

And you would write the forward. I would have to write the forward. It would be a forewarning. Yeah, it would be a forward that would sort of, sort of like let people know what they're in for, but potentially give the reader a chance to leave. A forward that was untoured, actually. Yes, a backward forward. So yeah, forward I would put at the end. Because this whole book is ass backwards.

Yes, it'll save it for the forward. That's really good. Actually, speaking of my potential musings and my amusing thoughts, our first segment, we should say this is the segments podcast. Our first segment is something we've done before. It's not quite a would you rather, but rather it's a would you do that? Would you do that? Yes, I came up with a bunch of sort of Faustian bargains

to give you. And I- Oh, that's right. And I muse whether or not you would do that. And you tell me whether you would do that. Okay. All right. All right, let's hear it. Okay.

Give me that first Faustian bargain. Here's a fun political one. Great. $400,000 to vote for Trump, but you have to post a picture of it on Maine. You can, after four days, say that you were paid that much to do it and even donate that money to charity.

But for four days, people just assume you're like, you were a closeted MAGA and now you're like finally feeling emboldened to fucking stand up and like tell the world. Am I allowed to lie? Like if I'm allowed to say that I like got the money, can I just be like, oh yeah, I voted for him but as a joke? No, you have to just basically post it and like either without a caption or a caption. It'll be a real vote but could I just be like, yeah, in four days when the statute is up, I just be like, yeah, in four days,

when the statute is up, can I be like- You post it right away, but you can only clarify in four days. Okay, but I think I wouldn't want anyone to know that I did it for money, because then I would be, I'd get that pressure to donate it, and that's not why I did it, you know? I didn't do it to donate money.

So you would do it to earn money. You would pocket the cash, and then how would you justify it in four days? Four, I mean, 400K is a, that's a lot of cheddar right there. And you can do a lot of good with that. I mentioned that I wouldn't. No, you would just sort of get a condo in Delaware.

Yeah. I guess I would post the rest of my ticket, which would show me voting very liberal, all the way down the ticket, you know, voting for AOC or Schumer or whoever is on mine in Brooklyn, you know? And then at the end of the day, Trump isn't really gonna win anything in New York. It's more of a, it's a, I can't imagine. It's a, what's it called? A protest vote against like how Kamala was selected or something like that. Oh, that's yeah, right. So maybe I would, I would just join with the ultra liberal,

liberals who, who hate Joe and Kamala. Right. So I would just be like, I actually, this isn't a vote for Trump. It's a vote against So I would just be like, I actually, this isn't a vote for Trump. It's a vote against the status quo. Yeah. Something that's sort of dumb, but ultimately not like evil. And you get to pocket the cash. So people don't hate you. I do think I do.

Yeah. They just think you're kind of stupid. I would do, yeah. It's definitely, it's a tough one because it's not like quit forever money. It's not, it's not fuck off money. Thank you. It is a tough one. And does the tax man cometh?

Does the tax man cometh? Totally up to you. I'm giving you 400 K. You can declare it. You cannot, whatever you want to do it. Well, I mean, if you're just giving it, if you're not going to, if you're, the issue isn't whether or not I declare it's the issue, the issue is whether or not you give me a 1099 or if you-

It's not my money. A briefcase filled with $400,000 arrives on your doorstep the day after you post it on the page. Yeah, right. Well, I clearly don't care about the federal government because I'm voting for Trump. Then I'm also just not gonna declare the cash. I am gonna take it.

And actually I might run. I actually might take the money and run. 400K goes a long way and a lot of other places in the world. So I might just ghost. Are you saying in four days would you justify it with that weird like protest vote or you would say it on the day and just never have to clarify that it was a bet or a joke? Yeah, I guess I wouldn't. I would not have an issue in four days just, you know, coming, you know, telling my excuse, whatever it is. Maybe I would say that I was paid to do it

and I'm gonna, and I would be like, I'm gonna donate some of the money. Then people would probably be mad about that too. I'll donate some of the money. Well, I'm gonna donate some of the money. How much? And then I would donate, that's none of your business. $8.

This is my money, this is my decision. This is my vote. I donated $25 to stop the steal part too. It's actually really offensive to ask you. To JD Vans' reelection campaign. To a hillbilly, elegy Amazon rental. Okay, so that was a solid one to get us started. I like when you have to think about it.

Yeah, and would you do it? Yeah, probably. Okay, ready? I'll buy you any house you want, to an extent, 10 million or under. Okay. But you can't get into a car until your 42nd birthday, but I'll buy you any car you want on your 42nd birthday,

to an extent, a hundred K or lower. Okay. That's, I mean, yeah. I, how old are you now? I'm about to turn 39. So it's three years of no car, but sick house. Yeah. I mean, yeah, if you buy me 10 million or under. Yeah. I think I could find a house. And are we talking like closing costs?

Can it go like, can I get one at 9.95? Cause obviously that's gonna go up 10 mil. I'm giving you 10 mil to buy the house. You're giving me 10 mil. You have to cover the overages. In fact, I'm moving it down to nine cause you're already starting to look at gift horse in the mouth. I'm moving it down to nine because you're already starting to look a gift horse.

I don't do it. I don't do it for nine. Really? So I did set a perfect line. 10 really, yeah. 10 really moves the needle for me. 10 is interesting, but I am gonna need you to cover the closing costs.

I'm not covering. At nine, I'll cover the costs. At 10, you have to pay for the overages, but I really can't find you an Academy over a car. I will pay for the final, okay. All right, let's lock that in. You have a deal, three years, because at a house, even at 9.95, even at 9.75,

I don't know if I would go close to a 10 mil, because then the closing costs really start to eat up. To add up at, price like that. Though we're not gonna finance it, it's gonna be all cash. Are you worried about the car part? Maybe it is. No, I'm frankly not thinking about the car part at all.

Yeah, like how do you get to the house? A $10 million house, I will probably be happy living there for three years without even leaving once. But if I have to, I have bought that house all in cash. I'll take out a loan up to 10, up to the value and actually growing in value, I can, I can leverage that house. Where are you living?

My ownership of that house, my nut. I'm living at the house, but I still have the cash on hand. I don't know exactly where the house is gonna be. I maybe, maybe Nantucket, maybe upstate New York. So if Nantucket's just a romantic place for me, that home value's in there. I would fly there. I would absolutely fly there.

I could take a bus. Can I not take a bus? Am I not allowed to take a bus? No vehicle. You. Can I not take a bus? You can not get into any vehicle. Am I not allowed to take a bus? No vehicle. You didn't say any vehicle, you said car. You said car. No, cause now you're starting to.

A bus is not a car. Yeah, then you're gonna start going around. Limo's technically not a car. Well an SUV is a car. Can I take a train? You can take a train. I can take a train. You can take a train.

Okay, then there you go. That's all I need. Maybe I would do it, I would have you buy me a $10 million flat in London, because then I could take the tube anywhere I need to go. Yes, exactly. And you can go with your daughter to the school on the tube. You don't have to ever get into a car with her.

I guess you could also get me a $10 million place in Tribeca. That'd be pretty sick, because I could take the subway anytime I needed to leave the city. Yeah. Yeah, I would do that. Only three years, no cars. Would you be able to visit like family

or do they live too remote? You'd have to, like, would you be able to go to like your parents' house without a car? Yeah, yeah, wouldn't be an issue because I take the subway or walk or city bike to Grand Central, Metro North to New Haven. My parents live a 10 and 15 minute car ride from the train station.

I'm sure I could get in a car for a little bit, right? There's a wiggle room there? You could do over 10 minutes a day. Yes. But you have to promise not to tell me about it. No, I think, and then yeah, I would honestly, I would probably just like, what about a motorcycle? No. No little packs.

Yes. Okay. Train. Bike is fine, bike I'll allow. City bike, e-bike? Not an e-bike, cause that's electric. Not an e-, what about an e-assist? So it's not fully e, I'm not, I'm not like riding on a-

I am now rescinding the offer. The offer is off the table. You will not be getting the house. You will not be riding around with that. I am now rescinding the offer. The offer is off the table. You will not be getting the house. You will not be getting the truck boat. That's 10, 10 million 400. That's 10, four. Gone, just got in the fucking tube. I didn't wanna bet.

I didn't wanna vote for fucking Donald enough car. You're really gonna fucking punish me for that. I think what we're learning is that I would do anything for cash. Okay. I love money. So far, so far. Although last time I said for a hundred grand, would you find out your parents or your aunt and uncle?

And you said, no. So there is a line there. Yeah, definitely. Okay, here's one that's not money related. And I keep forgetting to ask, would you do that? So you got to piss sitting down for the rest of your life, but you'll never get a cold again. You can still get the flu. Would you do that? Getting a cold is probably up there with my least favorite thing in the world.

I absolutely hate getting sick. I would do this in a heartbeat. I piss sitting down half the time anyway. But you couldn't piss on the side of the road. You'd have to sit down on the side of the road and piss onto your feet or something. Yeah, yeah. That would be tough, but I think the trade off of just never worrying about getting a cold.

You would still get sick. You could still get COVID. The flu. The flu, yeah, that would be tough, but I think the trade off of just never worrying about getting a cold, you would still get sick. You could still get COVID, the flu, the flu. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah. Just not a cold. Yeah. No colds game over, especially as my daughter gets older. I feel like I'm going to be getting colder.

You know, if there's a lot of germs into the house. Yeah. Um, yeah, no, I would happily piss sitting down. That's fine by me. Yeah, that's pretty good. I think I would take that too. Again, I'm probably an 80, 20 sitter to standard. At home, I only sit because I don't want to deal with the splashback repercussions, easier to clean, easier to sit. It's the public restrooms. I can never use a urinal again. And then it's like, how often do you get a cold? Like a year could go by, you don't get a cold anyway.

So you're not really sacrificing that much. Right. It's tough. It's tough, but I think I would do it. I hate being sick. Okay. You have an Android phone for the rest of your life. No, no.

Wow. You're already out. I haven't even told you. It's no sickness for your daughter ever. But all right, let's move on to the next one. She's pretty healthy. She'll be fine. She'll be fine.

All right, you have an Android phone going forward and the trade-off is that you and your family, anybody with the last name Hurwitz, gets free coffee anywhere they go forever. So they go into a coffee shop, give me a coffee, yeah, it's on the house. They go to a restaurant, free coffee. They go to a grocery store, you can buy coffee for free.

It's basically you're providing caffeine to your family in perpetuity. The sacrifice you're making is you have an Android instead of an iPhone, would you do that? Yeah. Oh, wow, that's really hard. And it would be hard every time the new iPhone came out. I think I would have to do it

because I spend a lot of money on coffee. Just even personally. You know, I'm buying a cold brew every day. Yeah. So it'd be, I think it would be a little too financially irresponsible to not. And you could probably get into the Android. Like we like sort of poo poo the idea,

but maybe they are like as good as iPhones if you just started from scratch. I'm sure they are. I would be the guy talking about how good the camera is. Yeah. I wonder if I would be, cause there's two types of people. It's either I have an Android because it's better

because look at this camera, look at these features. Or they're like, I have an Android, oh, because I don't really care about technology. I don't care about the phone. So I don't know which guy I would. Or they're anti-Apple, like Apple's so fucked up, they make you get this, they make you get the storage. Like I'm out of that system,

I'm more of a Google guy or Sam's guy. Right, yeah, Google's the good guy. Do no evil, they say. So I'm sure they're fine. Yeah, I think I would do it. Now, my take would be that I don't care about technology. That's cool. Yeah, I mean, it's not life-changing money

because it's like a couple hundred bucks a month. And it is a life-changing thing about your, like you use your iPhone so much more than you drink coffee, but it doesn't ruin your phone. It just changes it, which would probably make it worse. Originally. I also like, I think about like the way I use my phone now and it's like, I, I, I don't use it to the extent that I did like 10 years ago where I liked having apps and whatever, like I,'t use it to the extent that I did like 10 years ago where I liked having apps and whatever.

Like I use text message, phone, email. Like I don't even use Instagram on my phone. So it would be fine. Well, the text messages is one of the worst features. Like you have to, it would come in weird. You'd be the green guy, the green bubble maker. I would make all the group chats green and that would be embarrassing. The interesting thing is people would just I would annoy people but none of that would

annoy me because I don't see that everybody is green on the group thread. Yeah exactly. So it's both selfless and selfish. Yeah. Which is why it's a perfect, would you do that? Would you do that? Would you do this, Jake? Let me ask you this.

Okay. I got a few more. Maybe we could save some for the end. Yeah. You're six foot nine. You can dunk, throw a ball, throw a baseball 80 miles per hour and play tennis really well for the next 20 years, but you're six foot nine.

So until I'm 59, I'm like a very athletic, six foot nine guy. Yeah, but you're also six nine for the rest of your life. You're just athletic six foot nine guy. Yeah, but you're also six nine for the rest of your life. You're just a six foot nine guy. Six foot nine is, that's an inconvenient. That's why I chose it. It was gonna be like six six and like, that's great. That's fine, I'm awesome still.

Six nine, it's like, oh shit, I have to get special stuff. Yeah, and yeah, I don't think that's good on your joints as you get older. I don't think that's good on your joints as you get older. I don't, I don't think I'm interested in that at all. I don't know if you chose the best sports to lure me. Yeah, well, you'd be able to dunk, which is cool. That's nothing. I don't care. Yeah, throwing a baseball really fast.

Throwing a baseball, that's not that fast. 80 miles per hour. That's really fast. Yeah. I don't know if any like 50 year olds could throw at 80. You'd be like the star of the league if you wanted to do that. And play tennis really, really well. You'd be awesome at tennis. Playing tennis really well is, that's pretty compelling. I love tennis, but I think being 6'9'' is a little too, that's really inconvenient.

Yeah. That's nine inches taller than I am now. It's almost cool and then it's like becomes kind of annoying. Like 6'6 is pretty cool and you can surf well. Yeah, 6'6 sounds awesome. I would take that. You know, I started seeing, you know when I hurt my back? I started seeing like, hey, I don't even know,

this lady that does like body work, that's all about like strengthening your pelvic floor and like posture and breath work. Oh, like a witch doctor or like a phrenologist or sort of like a amateur. Yeah, a witch doctor. She sells cell phone cases I saw. She does that and then she also does breath work.

Yeah. And then she does like the little massage with the chopping on my back. Yeah. She told me that with like my posture, like if I can go back to having good posture, which I never really had. Yeah.

She's like, you could be six foot two, you're six foot two, but the way I hold myself makes me six feet. Wow. And then did she prove that by having you stand in a specific way and then measure you? Yeah, she had me go, she was like, put your back against the wall.

And then she was like, try to get as many points to like touch the wall. So it's like the back of my knees are touching, my low back is touching. Try to get your rib cage and your upper back to touch. Your shoulders shoulders to touch and then like Oh unhunch your shoulders lengthen your neck. Yeah, your head to touch. Yeah and You when you're fully against a wall you're trying to stretch and straight. Yeah, you realize how How like weird you stand but it's not like and- No one's gonna stand exactly that straight, but- Doesn't it hurt to stand that straight?

It's almost like an exercise. It's like you're flexing everything, but at rest, you have to like sort of compress. I mean, it feels amazing. When you, when I like leave the wall after she's manipulated my body into all of the correct positions, I feel incredible. It feels like that's what my body is supposed to feel like.

And then you kind of go back into the old habits and the way your body's learned to hold itself. Now let me sit over this computer like Mr. Burns of a human question mark again, and I'm four foot two. I don't know if that's comfortable, but it puts you in more of a rigid position. So there's gotta be, maybe I'm not six foot two, but I think I could be six foot one. Yeah.

I mean, I wish I had a better. Anyway, I'm not taking the deal. Oh, you're not doing a six nine one. No. Okay. Cause I'm six foot two. Yeah. And I have perfect posture.

It's even hard to like sit with perfect posture. Like it just like you're engaging your back in a way that kind of hurts. Well, you have to see my specialist. She'll teach you how to breathe. Yeah. She'll teach you how to hold yourself. Did you tell her about my balloon sinoplasty that allows me to breathe through my nose

a little bit better? I did not mention that to her. She doesn't even know who you are. So you're not actually seeing someone that's effective because I think a lot of your issues stem from me. That makes sense actually. And all these Faustian bargains that I've taken. I'm deep in your pocket, living in a $10 million house.

And you're living, I'm living rent free in your head and you're living rent free in your home because of me. Exactly. All right, this has gone on for too long. Let's go to the next segment. And if we have time at the end, I can give you some last ones, quick hits. Love it.

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Right on. Saving cash is the best way to make cash because you're no longer losing it. Yeah, exactly. Cash, and in cash is king, we should say. Exactly right. So thank you to Rocket Money. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring

this episode of our show. Indeed. Oh my God, Squarespace is such an easy way to build a website, Jake's done it. Yeah, what's that supposed to mean? Like I'm not smart. Doubt it. Actually, pretty bright.

Yeah, anyway, they make it super simple to design. Anyway, what's that supposed to mean? Like a transition? Yeah. Like to a new thought? Yeah, like a transition? Yeah. Like to a new thought? Yeah, like a transition. Like changing the subject anyway? Design is a cinch, you could just drag and drop.

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You're dumb, man. You're stupid. Yeah, you hinted at that earlier, actually. And even you've built an online store. Even you've made a portfolio. Even you've made an event website. That's right, that's right, that's right. You could purchase a domain name through Squarespace.

So if there's a.com that's been on your mind, like Jake for example, what can people buy? Flipjake.com, flipjake.com. Who's dumb now, dude? Who's the stupid one now? What is it? Have you ever heard of a flapjack? Yeah.

Well have you ever heard of a flipjake with two I's instead of A's? Flip jake? I don't think so. What's that? It's my new flapjack. It's a flip. What about flapjake.com?

Let me see if that's available. I really doubt it is. That might be mine. Yeah, because it's like flapjack, but it's like your specific brand of pancakes. Shit. Flapjake. Flapjake is available. I'll take it.

It's actually good. That's mine. It's actually good. So buy flapap Shake. Flap Shake is available. I'll take it. It's actually good. That's mine. So buy flapshake.com. Yeah, and sell it to me. Or maybe somebody wants a.com for their full name. Squat it now before it's too late.

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Hey, hey. New segment, something a little different. Yeah, this one's pretty topical. I don't know if you guys heard Joe Biden dropped out. Kamala Harris is taking up the helm. What? And. Wait, I didn't.

I'm actually pretty behind. I have. Really? Yeah, I have the news DVR. I'm still reading about the assassination attempt. There was a what? I have that DVR and I haven't seen the rally yet. I'm trying to get caught up on the news. So yeah, this actually might be irrelevant by Monday. I don't know how fast

she's going to choose a running mate, but I thought it would be apropos to write Jake and Amir VP pick scroll. Okay. So this is a scroll as us, but suggesting vice presidential candidates for Kamala, Kamala Harris to pick. Yeah, exactly, exactly. So you come in, you come in, you unfurl the scroll, and you say, top 10 vice presidential choices for Ms. President Harris, et cetera, et cetera.

Yeah, by Amir Joseph Robinette Biden Blumenthal. Senator Blumenthal. Did you know that Joe Biden's middle name is Robinette? I did, I mean, I wouldn't have remembered, but when you said that, that reminded me. Yeah. Okay. Okay. So by Amir Joseph Robinette Biden Blumenthal. Yeah. Yeah, I think it'd be funny. So in this world, it'd also be funny if she already picked.

Yeah. Yeah, no, she already, she chose Senator Kelly. So it's too late. Number 10. Pick him again. Would you get Mark Kelly on your ticket twice? Now that sounds pretty nice. Harris, Kelly, Kelly.

Yeah, she picked him, not because you said it, definitely not because you said it twice. Number nine, Mike Pence is fine. He did a decent job in 2009. I didn't notice any issues. He wasn't the job in 2009. I didn't notice any issues. He wasn't the VP in 2009. Also, he was universally hated by the end of Trump's term. His own supporters tried to hang him in a violent coup.

I would say the best thing about him was the fly that landed on his head. Yeah, that's such old news. There's been an assassination attempt since then. So really? On the fly? That's the one thing that deserved to be swatted. Number eight, Tim Cain was great. Why are we trying to reinvent the wheel?

These guys all aged like fine veal. Choose a dude that was there before. Otherwise, you're picking your fucking litter off the floor. So you want Kamala to pick the VP candidate who lost the debate and the election in the 2016 presidential election. Yeah, I mean, we all deserve a second chance, which is why I chose.

Just look at JD Vance. Yeah. Imagine a VP candidate for both presidential selections. Now that's a win-win. Number seven, how about a Reverend? Senator Warnock? Now he's a law. He's a warlock.

He's not, he's a warlock he's a warlock he's not he's a reverend but as you mentioned you wanted a reverend I wanted irreverence let's get a sorcerer imagine a magic VP who can wave his little wand and overturn every fucking elector. Yeah, I think you were onto something with Mark Kelly. Yeah, now that's an insurector. Number five. I think, aren't we on six? Number four. Elizabeth Warren to the floor.

We have our pick and she's gonna select, drum roll please, Mike Pence's fly. Imagine a VT that can land on a fruit, lay an egg and eat it toot. So it's basically the fly from Mike Pence's hair started to turn into somebody Metamorphosis style. And he's still acting as a fly, but he's five foot nine or some shit like that. Fine, great. That's a perfect pick.

Let's lock that one in. Number two. All right, on three. What did Joe Biden do? Number two, WW Joe Biden do. Who the hell did he end up picking? Yeah, they said he can't run to be president, but they didn't say a thing about the vice. What if he's number two in line?

Wouldn't that be nice? He served this country a long time. I think he deserves it. Imagine having your nuts in a vice president, that is. Number three, let's reverse course and choose Harris for VP. She did pretty fucking all right, if you ask me. So why can't she run again, I ask you, friend. Is it because she's trying to be the president?

Yeah, yeah. So you got it with your run. Yeah, you can't do it. You're going backwards. Number five. No, no, no. Turn around. You're reading it from the bottom up now or something. This is taking way too long. You scroll like, wait, number number, number nine, but my Pence is fine. Did we do the fly? You said that, did I? We did the fly. It doesn't matter. We did Pence.

Yeah. Number one, let's, let's go one and done. Who says no to Kamala going, going solo dolo? No, no VP. No VP. Just no problem. She's so young and infallible that the odds of her not making it to another 4 year term are basically not there. So we don't need a backup heir or a child to the throne.

I suggest she runs this shit all alone. Either that or Pete Buttigieg. I love Pete. Aren't you a Trump supporter? I sort of am a political nomad. I'm incredibly impressionable. You know that about me. I'm a registered independent.

I'm a libtard slash fucking fascist. I go wherever people last posted on Reddit. I have no qualms or moral backbone of my own. I will vote for anybody at any time. Right, I'm a pizza gate guy. Yeah, and then we hear a gunshot and I go, ah, someone just fucking clipped my ear. What? Enough time has passed.

The Jake and the Mir that starts with you wearing the Trump bandaid on the ears, it would be so funny. This one can honestly start with that. And then it's like, oh, you're standing in solidarity because of the thing. I'm like, I got an infected cartilage piercing, you asshole. Attempted what?

There was another version of this that was VP pick ideas instead of the list. So instead of top 10, it's VP pick ideas instead of the list. So instead of top 10, it's VP pick ideas and it's a quick cut episode. I think that could work really well as well. So I'm sort of her aid holding a clipboard and we're just rifling through ideas. Yeah, we do a couple ideas.

When one is good, just stop me. We'll call it there because we only need one idea. So just remember, as soon as you hear a good, just stop me. We'll call it there because we only need one idea. So just remember, as soon as you hear a good one, stop me and we'll lock that in. Yeah. Okay. I also- First idea? First idea is acai, cause they're like, some of them are lunch ideas for later.

And then some of them are like, I will get to the people. Cause I don't like thinking on an empty tank, I need a little fuel. Yeah. So just yes or no on Don Jr. and I don't like thinking on an empty tank, I need a little fuel. Yeah. So just yes or no on Don Jr. and yes or no on acai. Just so I know. Acai. Which.

And whenever I say something good, let's stop. Because again, I don't want to be here. I am phoning it in just a little bit. I am hungry. I had food poisoning yesterday and I feel very depleted. I got a bad night's sleep. I wouldn't mind an acai, an oak berry, a bahia, something like that. Do you want, can I get mine with Nutella? Are you going to order or do I have to do everything? This is me talking to you or talking to the

president. This is you talking to vice president Kamala Harris. Got it, yeah. This is me on the phone with an Acai place actually. Yeah, you can do Nutella. Sorry. Yeah. I can hardly hear you. I think your earbuds are dying or something. And what do you think about Dick Cheney running it back?

Take that, rewind it back. Does Mitt Romney move the needle for anybody? Very centrist. I feel like he's a moderate at this point. I don't even know if he would take it, honestly. I mean, we could fucking throw a Hail Mary and see what happens. I can also do a Chinese chicken salad.

Like, I can do Romney, I can do a fucking coleslaw. Remember to stop me if I say a good idea, because I feel like I'm just gonna ramble. And I don't know, I can do a fucking coleslaw. Remember to stop me if I say a good idea because I feel like I'm just gonna ramble. And I don't know, I personally think I said three or four good things already, but I want to hear it from the horse's mouth. Say yay or nay. I thought you just wanted me to say

when it was a good idea. Somebody shoots my ear again. We can use the ear shot whenever. Yeah. All right, there ear shot whenever. Yeah. Uh, all right. There's an, there's an episode in there. Unfortunately, we won't be able to make it in time. So it'll exist only as this segment, only as this theoretical.

It's here just for you guys. Who do you think she'll actually choose? Um, I guess, well, what did they say? It's between the Arizona guy and Shapiro in Pennsylvania? Yeah. I really don't know. Maybe, I mean. The Jew or the astronaut.

What do you want to be when you grow up? Well, I want to win Pennsylvania, which is why I think that's what it'll be. Oh, you think Shapiro will take Pennsylvania back from Vansylvania? Did you see Vance sort of make a bad joke at his first rally? No, what did he do?

He's like, they think everything is racist. I had a diet Mountain Dew earlier and they probably would say, that's racist. I had a diet Mountain Dew earlier and they probably would say, that's racist. Good Lord. Then there was like a smattering of laughter and he's like, I like you guys. Oh, God, what a loser. It was really bad. And then people were sort of slamming him on Twitter for ordering a diet Mountain Dew, cause that's sort of a cursed drink to begin with, let alone bragging about it, let alone telling people that people would

call him racist for getting it. I did hear that there's like rumblings in the Trump campaign that they regret picking him. That would be really funny if he got dropped. I would love that. You know, he's younger than me. Yeah, 39. That's pretty cool. He actually might have just turned 40.

Oh, really? I think his birthday is coming up. Him and LeBron are the same age and they're both from Ohio. That actually gives me an idea. Wait, August, the Harris. His birthday is three days before mine. Holy shit. And he's the exact same year.

Oh no, he's 39 already. You're turning 39. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, exactly. Damn. Three days older than me. Or a year and three days. That could have been you.

Yeah, I could be on the ticket in some way. I don't know if Miss Harris has, I'm probably not even on her radar as a potential pick. I know she's aware of me. Yeah. We run in the same circles obviously, and because I'm kind of a political operative lobbyist, as you know. You would help her win Bohemia, which has been a traditionally very red land, a red realm as it were. Red dragon, yeah.

Other than that, you bring nothing to the table. She will choose the astronaut and she will get Arizona back. I also know about space, okay. I wonder what is an astronaut now a day? Anyway, we can look into that later. Segment over. Thank you to BetterHelp for sponsoring

this episode of our show. Right on. Jake, I don't know if your schedule is ever packed with kids activities, work projects, and more, and you've sort of let your priorities slip. Could be, maybe, possibly. So if you find yourself extra stressed or extra anxious for whatever reason, the best way to deal with this and unpack these emotions is with speaking to a professionally licensed therapist and the best way to do that is with better help. Exactly. Oftentimes you feel like you have no time for yourself, but therapy helps you sort of deal with all of that stress, all that anxiety and

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What? Thanks BetterHelp. Thank you to Babbel for sponsoring this episode of segments. Woohoo, folks. Jake, I don't know if you know this, but the best way to learn a language is immersion. Yeah, I actually did know that. Yes, you can live where the language is spoken and use it every day.

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There's literally a huge population, roughly the size of I'll say Georgia using Babel. That's really good. That's really good. Can you actually speak Georgian? I cannot. That's absolutely amazing. But fact check me, 16 million people is my guess.

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Yeah, 16. Okay, you are six million off. There are 10 million people in Georgia. Damn it. But Babel's not gonna make you better at math, loser. Oh, nice. Muy bien, muy bien. You can get 55% off at babbel.com slash segments.

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All right, we're back. Let's go non-consecutive segment, segment one and three. I don't know if we've ever done this before, but we're bringing it back with a few more Would You Do That's. Yes, dude, I love Would You Do That. Trump style is trying to become 45 and 47. Would You Do That is trying to become 45 and 47. Would you do that as trying to become the first and third segment of the episode?

Whoa, could you do that? The Grover Cleveland. Once a day, you hear a balloon pop, and if you're holding a drink, you have to drop it. But your back wouldn't hurt again. Wow. Um, yeah, I would do that like ever. My back would never have back pain.

Yeah. Yeah, of course. Yeah, of course. Yeah. That's like something I'm dealing with now. But also a loud boom, like at 3am might be very jarring. Or if you're at a restaurant, you have to drop a glass a lot. Like you have to sort of deal with the daily repercussion.

Right. What are the odds that I would, in a 24 hour period, I would be holding a drink. Like it probably would happen so infrequently that I think my back flaring up would happen more frequently. Yeah. But if you're like holding a cold brew on a subway, crowded, hear it pop, oh! I think I'd be aware of, frequently. Yeah. But if you're like holding a cold, we're on a subway crowded. Right. Hear a pop. Oh, I think I'd be aware of, I would know that this was like what my lot

in life was though. So I'd probably like do, do everything I could to not hold a drink. Like right now I'm, I have a coffee, but it's on the table. I wouldn't have, I'm not holding it. I wouldn't have to drop it. You'd still hear the pop, you'd still be freaked out. Yeah, that would be, the pop would be kind of annoying. I could see that. But I'm thinking, I'm future-proofing. Like when I'm in my 60s, I could imagine my back hurting way more than it does now. Right now it's very manageable.

But like, I get worried about, yeah, yeah, exactly. So if I could just take that off the table, I'll never have to worry about that. That seems worth it All right, finally an easy one for you Mm-hmm. All right You could do a backflip wherever whenever But you have to wear a thumb ring would you do that a But you have to wear a thumb ring. Would you do that?

A thumb ring. You get to choose the ring, but it needs to be a thumb ring, one. But then you could just sort of, you know, impress people. You can do a backflip. That's pretty sick. Yeah. And I could land it every time. Yeah.

Yeah. Two feet to two feet. Imagine you on the beach fucking doing a backflip. That's pretty cool. Yeah. Hey, have you seen the guy with a thumb ring at the party? He could do a backflip. Right. Thumb ring guy? What a loser. Or you go thumb ringless and you can't do the backflip, which is where you are now. Right. Yeah, I think doing a backflip would be really cool, but I think the novelty doesn't last super long because I'm not meeting that many people these days.

Right, it would be the people that you already know. Yeah, there'd kind of be one round. I feel like it would be about a year of me showing off this backflip before people don't really need to see it anymore. Yeah. We know you can do the backflip. Are you still wearing the thumb ring?

I feel like we should go to the thumb ring. Yeah, we record some segments. You see a couple of backflips. I come again. Maybe you want to see the backflips again. But the third time are we doing backflips or is that not really happening anymore? Everyone's seeing the party trick. Yeah. Yeah.

But I don't go to parties, I think. It's not, the trade, the, you asked me 10 years ago, I would do the backflip. I wanted the attention. Now I don't really see an opportunity for it. And the thumb ring? Yeah, that just, that seems like something I would just kind of like be aware of all the time. Yeah. I like my wedding ring. I like having a ring. Yeah.

But one on each hand would probably be a little little much for me and I wouldn't want two on one. Yeah. Would you do the thumb if you were gonna do the thumb ring you would do it on the non ring finger hand. I think I would have to. Yeah I would be on this hand. Thumb? man. And like, I think maybe any other finger I might even consider. Really? Yeah. Like an index finger, like an aura ring that tracks your health or something. Yeah, like I might do an index finger. I would, I think I would take the deal for an index finger ring on the right hand. Really? Index finger ring and you would do the back flip. Thumb ring on either hand, you're out.

Yeah. It's a very specific thing. It's like a, what does the thumb ring really denote? Vitality. Yeah. It is funny how it's like, might as well just be another finger, but there's something different about the thumb of it all. Yeah.

Okay. Here's the last one for you. Okay. You have to smoke one cigarette a day or take a shot of whiskey every day before noon, before noon. So it's not like before bed you get to take a shot of whiskey. Okay. Yeah. Not like before bed you get to take a shot of whiskey. Okay? For a year, straight, every day, a cig, or a shot,

before noon, okay? Yeah. Got it, got it. Would you do that? Oh wait, sorry, then that's it. But it gives you the ability to speak any language fluently for that year, or would it last once that year is up as like every year you do it, you get a year of fluency.

Oh, so I would. So interesting. So I could do it for a year and then the next year following year I'd be fluent and I, and then I'd lose it after that. Correct. If you don't, if you don't continue this smoke or the whiskey before noon a shot I See so I basically have to do this every single day to be fluent

And this seems like one of those ones that I should take because being fluent in any language feels like it unlocks so many doors for you, but language feels like it unlocks so many doors for you. But that just sounds so uncomfortable. I couldn't, I don't think I would want it. I wouldn't, I wouldn't want that feeling. But I'm not like a nightly cigarette might be like a nice calming thing anyway, although there are health and you said it had to be before noon. No, the whiskey shot is before noon. The cigarette can be anytime. Interesting. I wonder how bad smoke, I mean, it's not good, but smoking one cigarette every evening can't be that bad. Can't be awful.

For a year? For one year you're giving me a fucking emphysema for that? I barely had one. And some of the days you don't even do the cigarette. It's the whiskey. Could I do a year on and a year off? Like I smoke for a year and then I can speak for a year. Then I smoke and speak at the same time.

Or am I always going to forget the languages unless I'm smoking? You have to sort of bank it. So for one year straight, if you do this cigarette or the whiskey before noon, cigarette, whenever the whiskey shot before noon, before noon, it needs to be a morning whiskey. Okay. Then you get the year after that of fluency. You want to keep it going, you got to keep the cig going or the whiskey before noon. I got it. The cigarette makes it

a little more compelling. I still think in my gut, I'm just like, I don't want to do this. What about in your lungs? Yeah, it seems like I should do it. It seems like I should do it. Because speaking any language would be so nice. But it's also not healthy. Yeah, it's really bad.

I think I wouldn't do it. I think I would not be interested. You had a phase in LA where you would like smoke a cigarette every night. Yeah, and I did enjoy it. I used to smoke a cigarette on the way home from the office. And then you used to have that shot of whiskey every morning too. So like this is sort of what... Yeah, this is kind of how you used to... Our first year in LA, I basically got drunk every night. I remember I used to be like, oh yeah, just like a little nip of whiskey.

And then I'd have like a huge glass. Yeah, just a taste. Yeah, and you weren't fluent in basically even English by that point. You were so hammered to probably speak. I definitely didn't feel good. So no, I don't think I would do it. Final answer.

And you? I would say yes to all these things and I have. That's why I'm living in this 10 million dollar month. That's why I will be voting Donald. That's why I will be smoking the sick. And then I speak the rest of this episode in perfect Italian. And did I mention I'm 6'9 and can a fucking 80 mile per hour curve. I guess the curve going 80 is good. That's kind of cool, right? Yeah. All right. Let us know.

Would you do that? This is a, we keep doing this. We could turn it into a book and sell it at an urban outfitters. That's good. A coffee table book? Yeah. Would you do that? Would you turn this into a coffee table book? No, I wouldn't. That sounds like it would take a lot of effort.

What if you were 6'3"? If I could do it and be 6'3", I would do it. And add a juice every morning. Yeah. And a cigarette after that. You vote for Jill Stein and somebody gives you $1,000 one day. That's not enough. But you don't have to tell anyone. Yeah, cigarette after that. You vote for Jill Stein and somebody gives you a thousand dollars one day. That's not enough. Well, you don't have to tell anyone.

Yeah, that's fine. Uh, all right. That's it. That's our episode of segments. Thank you for watching. If you are on YouTube, thank you for listening. If you are doing that, thank you for watching us on our Patreon, patreon.com slash ja. We're making weekly videos there.

Exactly. If you thought writing this episode of Jake and Amir was fun, wait till you see the scrolls we've written there and the scroll episodes we've watched. We're re-watching, we're re-writing. We're doing it all at patreon.com slash J-A. That's right. And as always, we'll be back next Monday.

Adios. Bye everybody. Ciao, buongiorno, Lila Tove. Oh my god. Oh my god. He can do it. Anyhow. Anyhow. That was a Hidgum Original.