If I Were You - 390: Shout Out Lightning Round

Episode Date: July 8, 2019

In this lightning round episode we discuss our favorite weather, our favorite foods, and what Dungeons and Dragons character would Amir be.... WITH A SIDE OF RICE.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Funny to think, it's funny to say, Funny to be attacked by birds this way, Jake, and a weirdo byron. I feel like to drink turkey, all jacked up. Call me Billy Scuff, Larry. Now if I were you, show skits about cash and crunch your board. Get the hell out of my laptop store. The podcast audio settled down.

Time to be amused. Loving fans to be amused. If I were you, show it now. Whoa. Okay. I liked it. That was like Dave Matthews' band Chic, but not quite Dave Matthews' band cover. Right.

It was actually an original adapted from a song of his called Subversion. Shout out to Jake because Amir never does. I don't know what that means. I don't shout you out? I guess. This guy. Wait, you don't shout me out? He said shout out to Jake because Amir never does?

Yeah. That's true. You don't shout me out enough. I never shout out to Jake or big ups to Jake or give it up for Jake. If we're talking to each other, when would I ever say shout out to Jake while speaking to you? When you introduced the show, you'd be like, hey, this is if I were you, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us.

Amir, shout out to Jake. No, that's what I would say if you weren't there. Why would I shout out? What? You could say big ups to Jake then. I'm Amir big ups to my co-host and then I will be like, Jake here, but you never do that shit. Yeah, no, he's right.

It's fine. I don't like it doesn't weigh heavily on me. It is what it is, you know. But it does weigh a little bit, which is I think is too much. I think it does. Yeah, it doesn't weigh, but it chips away. It doesn't weigh heavy, but it chips away. That's bad.

Chipping away is worse than weighing heavy. Yeah. I would say it's this episode is maybe the straw that breaks the Campbell's back. I feel like I've been, I've been an absolute ox. Yeah. I hate to even think of myself as a camel with straw on their back, but like, I think I've been an ox, if anything. So this was written by a friend of yours.

I guess you told them to say that. Yeah, I was just wondering if I could finish. And? I'm an ox. Yeah, I know. My back is finally broken under the weight of all of your, all of your slights. You're not an ox. You're, you're snide asides.

You're a, you're a balsa wood. You're a, you're a dry stick. You're incredibly breakable. I'm not, no, I'm not. I'm a fucking, I have like, I feel like I have the mental fortitude of, of, of like, of an ox in a way. Yeah. I don't think you're an ox.

I don't think you're strong. I don't think you're mentally strong, especially not mentally strong. Yeah, I have like, it's, it's, I think I have like this, this armor and it's hard to hurt my feelings, but sometimes things like a lifetime of snide asides will chip away at my oxen constitution and that leaves me in a vulnerable state, which is not normal for me to be, to be insecure and sad and scared and hurt by you. Got it. Here we are.

Yes. Here we are. This guy wrote this song, which really derailed us is Calvin Yeager. He exposed, he exposed our weak foundation. Oh, you know what? I misread it. It says, shout out a mirror. Jake never does.

Really? Yeah. Which whatever, I guess. That hurts to hear. Why? That one too. All right. This is if I were you, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us.

It's a holiday week Wednesday, July 3rd at the time of recording. This will post on Monday, July 8th, right around the 4th of July. Very patriotic. I thought we'd celebrate not with fireworks, but with a lightning round episode. That's cool. Thank you. So these are questions that we not submitted. How do you say like requested on Twitter?

Solicit it? Yeah. Solicit it. That's right. Shout out to Jake. Finally get the fucking credit I'm due. So we solicited some questions, some quick hits on Twitter. Got over 100.

We're going to try to get to as many as possible right off the bat. Jake, why don't you load it too and then we can just go back and forth. I love that idea. Here's a quick and easy one. Best genre of food says Lucas Meyers. I think it's a real toss up between Mexican, Japanese, Italian, and American. That's a lot. Narrow it down to two.

I also like Greek. Okay. Between two of those ones I mentioned because there's a couple others that I really enjoy. Lightning round. I'll say tell you what, why don't we go. Single elimination style. Can I do Tex-Mex because that's sort of a fusion. That way I get the barbecue and a burrito.

I'll say Japanese street food because I feel like that includes sushi and burgers. It doesn't. Okay. Can I say which one is Pad Thai but also a grilled cheese? Oh, that's fucking true. Food's so good. I'm hungry. Give me a fucking comfort food that has like cereal but also general so's.

Yeah, man. Damn. What is it? What's your favorite genre? I'll go with a real underrated one I think is Thai. Thai really came onto the scene a little later in my life but I'm never disappointed in Thai. Even bad Thai is good to me. Oh, interesting.

I guess I'll- I also don't love cheese enough to go Mexican or American. Oh, gotcha. Thai food is cheeseless. Right. I think, I mean I love Mexican food because I like, I love rice, beans, cheese, bread. But Mexican food does not have enough bacon in it, at least like the non-Americanized versions of it.

Right. So, and for that reason, I will say American food. On the 8th of July, Godist cuisine of all time. We fucking got it right. Big ups to George Washington. Props to John Hancock. Thanks for getting it done. Yeah, I want an impossible burger and a side of rice.

Side of rice. Give me a fucking rib and a side of brown rice. Drive. Yeah. If you have a hot dog, char-boiled, burnt to a crisp, oh and how about a side of rice? He want a hot dog and then on the side of the hot dog is just steamed white rice. Hot dog. I'll have a burger.

And then on the side, yeah. And on the side? Rice. Got it. All right. Any other questions that you found? Oh, let's see. A lot of these are about basketball, which I don't mind, but I don't want to make about

the whole show. I mean, this isn't a buckets episode after all. Oh, I like this question. If you guys had to host another Head Gum podcast, which one would you choose? Wow, that is fun. If we could thieve a show from one of our amazing artists that you can check out on HeadGum.com. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Who would we thieve? I would say Punch Up the Jam, but I'm not talented enough to come up with new songs. All Fantasy Everything seems really fun. You just get to rank your favorite stuff. Yeah. I think All Fantasy Everything is probably one of the coolest formats.

I like Billy and Adam's show. That's a really nice little game that they play. Yeah. I don't mind do that now, but we give advice. But yeah, they take a topic and discuss their previous, present, and future with them. Yeah. That's a good structure. I think it's a really nice structure.

Shout out to NoJokePod. Shout out to All Fantasy Everything. Shout out to Punch Up the Jam and Big Ups to Jake. Thanks, dude. That's awesome to hear. I don't hear that enough. Dream holiday destination. I guess it means vacation.

This is actually very interesting because I'm getting closer and closer to actually going on my honeymoon. Interesting. One year after the fact. Someday I might actually do it. Is it a honeymoon if it's just a vacation with your wife 19 months after the wedding? It's honestly turning to, it's getting to the point where it does not count as a honeymoon. I don't think if you don't take it within a year, it's not a honeymoon. I don't want to air all of my grievances against my wife on this podcast.

I mean, she can't make up her mind. I begged to go on a honeymoon right after the wedding. I've always wanted to be whisked away to a romantic location and spend two weeks driving the Italian coast or hiking the French Alps. But no, I couldn't do that. Not after the wedding. It was too busy. We had already taken enough time off of work planning the wedding. That's right.

I feel like weddings get bigger and bigger now, so you need more time off to plan the thing and then you can't do the honeymoon. Right. And then the plan was to go on our honeymoon this summer, but Jill got a new job. I can't fucking... Yeah, just the dream vacation destination, I guess. I just can't fucking win. Yeah, I mean, you can. Sounds like you're having an awesome time.

You are going to go on a vacation. It just won't be within the random arbitrary 12 month mark, which I'm not really sure what that means. Yeah. Anyway. That's true. No, but we're fighting a lot. I know. Where do you want to go?

Just say Iceland. All honeymoon related. I want to just... I want an escape. That's what I want. Is that too much to ask? Who here thinks a beach is too much to ask for? So I really have been thinking about my honeymoon and what I've wanted to do is the French Italian and Swiss Alps in the middle of summer.

Alpine lakes, snow-capped mountains, valleys with flowers. That's my vibe. That's what I want. But then I've seen some friends been going to Greece and diving off a catamaran into a crystal blue ocean seems pretty fucking perfect too. So I'm torn. So far, two questions up and both answers. You're on the fence, torn. Can't decide.

Yeah. Nothing's right. I'm torn. You're a little late. How about Japan, Tokyo? I'm already torn. That way you can eat every meal with a side of rice. That's my dream vacation is Tokyo.

Never been. Here are great things I want to attend. I feel like the question is what's the question exactly? Dream. Dream holiday destination. Okay. So that's that's the one that we have not been to where we'd want to go. Yeah.

Cool. So I guess in that case, I'll say the Dalmatian coast of Croatia. Very nice. Thank you. Okay. Brittany Howard writes top five things to do in both LA and New York for someone who will be traveling to both from Canada in the near future. Your favorite things to do in both.

She wants 10 things, but why don't we just why don't we give her a few? Yeah. I mean, it's been hard for me to answer much simpler question. Well, actually having five does help a lot. Yeah. Okay. You go to New York. I'll go LA.

Okay. Depending when you're visiting, I think seeing some kind of sports thing is a fun way to like experience New York because you got to get on the subway. You have to like kind of do the transportation. And then you're also surrounded by lots of New Yorkers. So if there's like a Yankees game, a Mets game, there could also be, you know, if you're in the, if it's like, you know, if it's like, you know, if it's like, you know, if you're in the, if it's later in the summer, maybe there's even the U.S. open happening.

That'd be really cool. That's cool. All right. I'll steal that for a Dodger game and then also go West side Santa Monica rental bike, which I don't know how to actually ride, but I hear good things. You can go to Santa Monica, Venice, eat on the near the beach, shop around, enjoy yourself out there. Yeah.

Biking down the Santa Monica boardwalk is cool. Also pro tip. I believe Friday night Dodger games. There's a firework show afterwards. That's a solid tip. Back to the big crap. Fuck. I guess I'll just, I'll, I'm flustered.

So I'll just say, see a Broadway show that you can't go wrong there though. That's solid. You should definitely do that. And I'm going to think harder for tip number three. Okay. A lot of good street tacos. You can almost do like a street taco tour. We're talking taco trucks that are very well respected.

Highly regarded. If you want some authentic Mexican taco trucks, I'm sure there's a blogger website that tells you exactly where to go to eat some of your, your new favorite foods of your new favorite genre of food. This is my shirt. You don't have to worry about it. Broadway is fine. We don't have to actually get you can also, you can see it off Broadway shows.

Yeah. Yeah. We have famous. We're at the Staten Island. Yeah. Staten Island. Yeah. Staten Island.

I'm having a panic attack. I think so. All right. You found another question? Yeah. This one I like. It's gin vodka or tequila and I'll turn it into a fuck Mary kill. Oh, interesting.

I will Mary vodka because that one offends me the least. Okay. I will kill gin because I'm not a fan. Okay. And as for tequila, fuck tequila. I'm not a fan of that either. Wait. Oh, okay.

Yeah. Yeah. Got it. Okay. I think I like tequila the most, but I'm still going to kill it because it gives me the most problems. I see. It hurts you.

Yeah. It hurts me. It hurts me bad. And I'll fuck. I'll fuck vodka because I can fuck with vodka. Nice. And gin. I'll marry gin because I have too much respect for gin to fuck with it.

You know? That's really cool. Thanks. Is it my turn? Oh yeah. It's my turn. Here's a basketball one that's more about Jake. It's how little will Jake care if Kawhi Leonard goes to the Lakers.

This will be instantly dated. Kawhi will have made his decision by the time this comes out. So how little or much do you care? How do you know he'll make his decision by then? He's dragging his feet, but I believe he has to make it for the Lakers' sake by July 6th. Oh, wow. Yeah.

Interesting. Because like free agency is such a long time, but they're like, you have to decide by July 6th, like wait months before it's over. Yes, exactly. I mean, like 99.9% of people decide within the first day or two. It's very rare that he's taken this long. It's July 3rd at the time of recording. I'm guessing he decides today or tomorrow.

Interesting. And so you're saying the question is how much will it matter to me? Yeah, do you care at all as a LeBron fan? I'd like to hear your answer before I give mine. I sort of talked about it on buckets yesterday, but I've never cared about anything more than where Kawhi Leonard signs. It's keeping me up at night. It's stressing me out.

I'm refreshing blogs. I'm in the deep web. I'm texting friends trying to find any inside information. Everything is completely locked down. I'm losing sleep. I'm tired, angry, and annoyed. And I'm starting to think he won't sign with the Lakers, so all this will be for naught. So how much do you care, bitch, about if Kawhi Leonard signs with the fucking L.A. Lakers?

Honestly, my question to you was how much do you think I care? I already know that you care the best. Oh. Oh. Sorry. You verbally attacked me, bud. Sorry about that. I think you're kind of invested, but you'll enjoy LeBron and Anthony Davis on the Lakers,

either way. Yeah. I guess would it ruin anything for you if Kawhi didn't sign with the Lakers? Will it diminish the Anthony Davis trade? Will it diminish the Lakers in your eyes? It'll be a lot better with him. It'll be sad if he chooses the Clippers over the Lakers because then it's like, I want to live in L.A., but I want to play with the Clippers.

If he goes back to Toronto, I think that's completely understandable. And that's where I'm leaning right now. I think he's going to just re-sign with his whole team for another year or two. Is everyone else on that team still, though? Yeah. Everyone else is. Danny Green is also a free agent, but he would probably re-sign with Toronto. Oh, right.

Yeah. Danny, I think I'd read that Danny Green was waiting to see what Kawhi does. Yeah, exactly. Interesting. So do you care? Yeah. I guess if he was a Laker, I'd be super excited. But I think if he remained a Raptor, it would also be very exciting.

And I'd probably root for the Raptors next season. Yeah. Again, I can't fault them for staying in Toronto. Toronto did their best efforts to keep this really mercurial, silent, brooding superstar. So it'd be cool if they pulled it off. Yeah. You got a question? Let's see.

Oh, I just saw the, well, J.K. if Kawhi goes to, there's a lot of Lakers questions, huh? I know. I think people understand the stress I'm going through. What's a smart way to get fired from your job? Ooh. Is there a smart way? A smart way?

Well, getting fired is better than quitting because you'll get severance. So right off the bat, getting fired is a smart way of leaving a job. But what's the smartest way of getting fired? That's, I don't know, because you really have to, it'll show up on your resume too. Yeah. You got to think about that a little bit, right? Yeah. Give me like, you don't want to be like...

If they want to call your old boss, if you're like getting a new job, what is two month severance that you get dragged when you get that reference? Yeah. What if you find something out about the CEO and you blackmail him to firing you with like six month severance, that way he has to speak glowingly of you. He gives you cash not to work for the next half year. And then whatever job you get next, he has to give you a good reference. That's solid, but you have to find something to blackmail him about.

Yeah. So you'll plant some sort of CD email material and usually people are up to nefarious things regardless. So it doesn't really... Right. Yeah. This is a smart way to get fired? To blackmail your boss?

I mean, everyone's hiding a pretty evil secret. I know right off the top of my head, I have like, I must have five evil little deeds that I'm like currently navigating in terms of taking people down or lying. Like I got like a five evil deeds that... Just like nasty little secrets that could ruin you on the day. Like how many do you have like just... You don't have to say them obviously because they would ruin not only your life, but other peoples.

But like how many nasty little evil things do you have that are sort of rumbling in your head? Wait, rumbling in my head. Like you can just offhand... Keep you up at night, scare you, make it so you can't look in the mirror for too long. Can I have an example of one of yours? We can edit this part out of the show. Yeah.

So like an example of one of mine is that I accidentally quote unquote ended somebody in high school. Jesus Christ. Like I made someone not be. Persona non grata, body gana in high school. You disappeared somebody. Yeah. I vanished somebody else with one trace.

But the trace is a clue that I sit on and I find myself in times of sorrow wondering what came of me. You're a sociopath. You're a psycho. Yeah. So if you could find something like that on your boss, I feel absolutely sick. That's a smart way. Yeah.

That's smart. I have another one. Okay. When Amir finally plays D&D, what class do you think he'd play? Okay. Let's take a break and answer this question on the other side of these messages because I need to ask you a lot of questions about that. Hell yeah.

Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah.

Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma.

Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital

photo frame. Yeah. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma. She was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole.

This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Like she misheard it or something like that or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God.

Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement.

So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah.

Yeah. Exactly. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames.

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Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames A U R A Frames dot com. Okay. Go get your parents something. All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you Aura.

And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible and suitable

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That's betterhelp.com slash if I were you. Check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. And we're back. Okay, read the question again. When Amir finally plays D&D, what class do you think he'll play? So what are the options? I can.

You want me to run them through? Sure. Okay. Buckle up, motherfucker. Never mind. Oh, what are your career influences and what should I do to take my gap year in Germany? Okay. If you want a career as a barbarian, all right, so the classes are I'll read through them

and if any of them spark joy, ask and I can let you know about them. Okay. Well, actually, no, that can just basically tell you as we go through. Barbarian, fierce warriors, okay? A bard, an inspiring magician, clerics, priestly champions, druids, a priest of the old faith, a fighter, a master of martial combat, monk, a master of martial arts, paladin, a holy warrior bound by a sacred oath, ranger, a warrior who combat threats on the edges of civilization.

Oh, sorry. Did I say ranger? Rogue. Rogue, a scoundrel who uses stealth and trickery to overcome obstacles and enemies. All right. Stop talking. That's me. I want the rogue.

I want the scoundrel. I want to be a sharp-witted man who absolutely takes advantage of his foes with my fast thinking and quick-wittedness. Well, you could also be a wizard because that's a scholarly magic user. If you want to be smart, that's like a class you could use your smart. No, I'd really like to be a needle-nosed, mousy little rogue. So you can play a rat-folk rogue. Yeah, and I'm just like, ooh, answer me these questions for.

And everyone doesn't want to deal with me because I kind of reek of shit, but I think that I'm in charge of things that I'm not actually in charge of. Oh, that actually sounds super fun. Yeah, like I'm knowledgeable about a bard just because I never left, you know? Yeah, I like that. Well, yeah, a rat-folk rogue. We figured it out. What is rat-folk?

Well, D&D has classes in races, and of the races, you know, there's your typical stuff like dwarf, elf, half-elf, half-ling, like the things that you see from Lord of the Rings. But then there's also these subraces, like a rat humanoid. Rat humanoid. Yeah. Okay. That's pretty cool. Because that's like the closest thing to a chipmunk.

And what do I care about what a chipmunk would play? I guess you could play something that's like not anything like you as a person, but it's kind of fun that like you are a chipmunk in real life, and then you could play a chipmunk in D&D. Okay. That's nice. Interesting. I mean, I could play a chipmunk, like I could be like, ooh, I'm going to pretend I'm

a chipmunk and whatever, but I'm not, you know that I'm not one. Well, you are a chipmunk, bub. You don't get to decide that, bub. You don't get to decide what you are, man. What did you have for breakfast today? I had. This is so fucked up because for about a week I ate normal shit, and then today I had seven soft acorns for breakfast.

And you asked me, what did I have for breakfast today? Today is the day. Yeah. Wow. I think that's chipmunk food in a way. I had soft acorns and a series of seeds. All right, so glad we figured that out. Yeah.

Aren't I coming on NADPOD if you guys hit some sort of Patreon mark or something? Yeah, yeah. I forgot to ask you about that, but if we hit a Patreon goal on NADPOD, you have to be on it. Okay. We're 90% of the way there also. Nice. So, I do have to do it.

89% complete, a mere guess. If we hit this goal, a mere bloomin' felt will finally enter the 2DO and be forced to learn how Dutch as the dragons work. So, we're 89% of the way there. Oh, I hope I don't hold out and make you guys give me a lot of cash to play. I'd hate for you guys to be deemed as liars or nefarious fools for taking advantage of your Patreon. Yeah, this is actually, you're perfect.

This is in character, absolutely. All right. Connor O'Kevin says, would you rather drink one pint of pee every six months or always have a tiny bit of pee in any water you drink? Wait, sorry. Say that one more time. Excuse me. So, would you rather drink a pint of pee every six months or always have a tiny bit

of pee in any water you drink? Oof. Probably a pint every six months. Yeah, just get it over with. Just like one day, pound, slam, boom, done. Yeah. I think I'd go a tiny bit of pee and just convince myself that there's no pee-pee in there.

I think it would always taste a little, you'd hint a little bit of pee. And then like, think of how often you share, like if I have a water and someone's like, hey, can I have a sip of that? I'd have to be like, you don't, because I drink my water with a little bit of pee. And a side of rice. And a side of rice. So, you're going pint, I'm going for a micro pee-pee. Yeah.

This is an interesting question. Cage Edgar writes, what's the worst form of self-expression? Like, don't find yourself in any way, I guess. Stop discovering new things about yourself in a creative outlet. Yeah. What would you say, fucking painting? The worst? Painting is fine.

I don't mind painting, it's therapeutic and sometimes it's good. Interpretive dance? Yeah, interpretive dance is pretty bad, because it always looks like, regardless of if it's good or bad, it always looks pretty weird. Right. I also feel like there's some writing, painting, music, they all feel kind of personal, like even though they're shared with the wider audience later, and maybe that's the goal. But interpretive dance almost, the whole purpose is that you have to do it in front

of people. Right. So, you can't just interpretive dance by yourself. Yeah. So, it's always about sort of just like, showing off. Poetry's pretty bad. No, poetry fucking rules, I love poetry. Would you rather have skin made of denim or always have to wear a jacket made of you and

skin? It's almost like they're working together to ask us, would you rather have a bad thing once or a little bad thing forever? Well, I think, I guess, you always have to wear a skin jacket, that's pretty fucking foul. Yeah, it's not ideal. I guess I'd rather be denim man, it's like a cool little superhero. Yeah, why doesn't anybody like me?

You're sort of tucked away in an attic somewhere in a Levi's Strauss factory. Man. That's cool, that's actually a good commercial. Yeah, that's a good idea. Here we go. Pleasant Park at Kyle Moore writes, how would you make a PB&J, peanut butter and jelly on both sides of the bread, peanut butter on one side, jelly on the other? These are important questions, Serge, dude.

I mean, first of all, best sandwich in the world is peanut butter layered with bananas drizzled with chocolate chips, bread on top of that. That's the sandwich. That is the PBCCC. Wait, what's this third C? No, sorry, wait, PBB, oh yeah, PBBCCC, PBBCCC. A sandwich so nice, you couldn't name it once. I named it twice the second time, PBBCCC, wait, PBBCCC, OK?

Think of a different name for it. Peanut butter banana chocolate chip. PBBCC. Meanwhile, fire ants are eating your ankle. They've crawled into my anus. Quick, get the, wait, PBB, shit. So you need to do jelly on one side, peanut butter on the other. Flip the peanut butter over onto the jam, because that's the one that's going to adhere

to the bread better. It won't drip, but then once you have that, flip it back over because the jam should sit on top of the peanut butter, it's a little more, because it has sort of like a layer that's protecting from seepage down to the bottom, OK? Yeah, I grew up in an Israeli household, so we didn't really have PB&J. I think the first time I had a PB&J was with your family at age 25. Yeah, remember we gave you your first one, wasn't it in Nantucket? Yeah, so I don't really know how to make it.

I assume I would put peanut butter and jelly on one side and then just close it. I'm not going to put it on both sides like an open-face sandwich and then close that. Uh-huh. You got one? Oh, yeah, this is another food and weather thing. Well, I guess actually it's the first weather thing, but it's another food thing. Anyway, Chaotic Chad writes, favorite food slash weather combo. Food slash weather?

Give me ramen on an overcast day. It's 61 out. Oh, and guess what? I'm having pork broth in a bowl with a side of rice. You do? You love soup. You love hot soup, so your weather is going to affect the food, right? Like, your food is going to have an effect on the weather.

You're thinking, food and what do I need the weather to do? It was sunny out until I had the ramen, and now that I have the ramen, it affects the weather. But you're talking about cloud form. Yeah, your favorite thing, you're like, I'm thinking of food and then I'm going to think of the weather to match that. I would think, for me, I'm thinking weather first. So I'm going like 75 degrees crisp, low humidity with a nice breeze, and I'm eating fish tacos and guess what's on the side.

What? Rice. Yeah, no, I figured as much. By the way, your favorite food and weather are both LA staples, so I don't know what you're doing out there. It's 80 and sunny today in New York, okay? I'm going to get fish tacos and a side rice. With Glen Rice.

He's an old basketball player. Of course. What grades are you guys climbing these days, right? Shark attack. I am climbing fours and attempting five on the V scale. That's pretty solid. I haven't climbed in a while. I feel like you could still, but you're exercising.

I feel like you would still get up a V3. Thanks, man. I appreciate that. What else to do is just how strong your hands and arms and fingers and that kind of stuff you can't replicate in a gym. Yeah, it's true. I miss climbing a little bit, but I also know that it hurts me a lot. It does hurt you?

Yeah, just like whenever I have a small ache, like a bruised rib, climbing hurts that. A bum ankle climbing hurts that. Climbing really just like finds the thing that hurts a little bit and makes it a focal point of pain. That's interesting. I have pain almost all the time and I don't have it when I climb. So maybe that's why it's a better sport for me. When I run, I'll hurt for like two straight days.

Interesting. And I still do that anyway because I like to run so much. All right. What do you got? This question doesn't really make any sense to me. I'll ask it. Why not? Max Heckert says, what percentage of people do you think subscribe to the notion of, I'm

not starving, but I could eat, but with pooping? Does that make any sense to you? No, but with pooping. Like I don't have to go to the bathroom, but I could shit. Is that, what do you mean? Star from the top. What percentage of people do you think subscribe to the notion of, I'm not starving, but I could eat, but with pooping?

Oh, I see. So what percentage of people are like, you know, I don't really have to take a shit, but I could shit. I, yeah, I mean, you can't do that. You can't just, you can't force yourself to shit. Yeah. What are you, are you waiting for the last possible moment sitting down and it's an instant expel?

Are you like, all right, it's that time of day, I'll sit on the toilet and wait and see. I never wait and see. If I don't have to shit, I don't shit. That's awesome. But I'm not like, I don't wait till I, it's an emergency either. If I'm like, oh, I feel like I have to shit. I can always just shit.

That's awesome. I don't really have like, like, I, you know, I'm not that regular, like the same time every single day, but I'll like take a shit, you know? Yeah. Yeah. But are you, are you well one a day or? Yeah. Or no, I'm probably like one every six and a half weeks, but it's like, yeah.

Oh, wait. No, I'm actually, so like, so I'll shit every six and a half weeks. It is. That's so different. It's as small as a marble. It's as small as a marble, but it's as, it feels heavier than a cannonball. Like I'll, I've chipped the porcelain on my toilet with the density of, of this marble. It's basically like a black hole.

Yeah. So. And that's once every month and a half. Nicholas asks. No. No, I'm not done. By the way, do you know what the densest material on earth is? The heaviest metal.

Oh. Mercury. It's actually osmium. That's right. The heaviest metal is osmium. So for whatever reason, you seem to be shitting osmium every month and a half and you should get that checked out. Right.

How heavy is osmium? Uh, couldn't tell you, 22 grams per cubic centimeter. Does that answer your question? Uh, yeah, it does. Chad Benson asks, what is the best condiment? Uh, ooh, goat condiment. My goat condiment is barbecue sauce. Yeah.

I do know that about you. Actually. You also like teriyaki. Yeah. I was going to go teriyaki because you can't really put barbecue on the goat food. A side of rice. A side, well, if you're going to go to a side of rice, then you're going to want a soy. A soy or rice.

Yours is hot sauce, sriracha. I put it on everything. I love it when things have that kick. Actually. Fuck off. I like honey mustard. I was going to say. I didn't realize.

It's okay. Oh. It's okay. Oh. You kind of verbally attacked me there, dude. Sorry. Yeah. I forgot that you also like a sweet mustard.

That was a little, it was a little emotionally abusive, man. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry about that. I just thought you liked spicy things, too. Oh, really? You really hurt my feelings with the way that you yelled at me that way, with no regard to how, how, how it would affect me.

Yeah. Sorry about that. It's fine. James' argument says, how do you shart in social situations? I don't. Jesus. Sorry. How do you hide a shart?

So you shart, what do you do? What would you do? Excuse yourself. Immediately excuse yourself. You go to the bathroom and then what? Throw away your underwear. You throw it away. Yeah.

Wipe with it. Throw away the underwear. Wipe, clean yourself. Go back. It's fine. Okay. Do you go home? Do you leave the underwear under a, a, a clump of paper towels in the bathroom?

I guess I'm imagining this happening like in a bar, in a public bathroom. If you do it at a, at a friend's house, it's a little harder because you do, you have to, you have to find a way to throw the underwear out. Yeah. I guess I, you'd, I guess you could bury it. You could probably excuse yourself. Go to, go out to your car, go to the street. That's good.

I forgot something in the street. Oh, I have a, I have a white wine in my, in my whip. Hold on. I'll go outside. And then you have to drive to a store and get white wine. Yeah. And you're still completely filled with the sharp because you haven't discarded the underwear yet.

Right. You start sweating. You fully shit your pants. You have diarrhea. You have to go home. You have food poisoning, bud. Three days later, they want to know what happened to the white wine. If you have food poisoning, you got to just go rice all day for three days.

Ever heard of the brat diet? I prefer the rat diet, rice, applesauce and rice. On the side. All right. Last question from each of us. Ready? Yep. Ooh.

I want to answer this. Little grimmas, grimmas says, have you ever, have you seen each other's nuts before? I've seen yours. Have you seen my nuts? I guess I've seen you naked. I don't know if I've specifically seen the nuts of you. All right. I want to see your sack.

I've seen your cock. I've seen your ass, but have I seen the fucking testes? I've seen your rosebud, but I want you to grab your cock and dangle your nuts. Well, yeah, I teabagged you once, but you were asleep. And a side of nuts. I teabagged you when we were living in Los Feliz together. So that was when you were 34 and I was 32. That's the oldest person you think ever teabagged somebody.

That's a good question. Probably 58. Yeah. I would say that too. This is kind of a hard one, but hopefully you have an answer. Proto Tom Tom Troy 8 writes, what's the least romantic thing someone has done for you? Least romantic thing? Someone's done for me.

It's kind of hard. Yeah. I guess there was one time I gave a girlfriend in high school a necklace that I thought she had wanted and like I'd saved up and I had like a lot had gone into me getting this necklace and the first thing she said was that it was the wrong one. That's pretty unromantic. What about Dave urging you to have a threesome with him? Oh yeah, that was another weird one.

I came home from a bar with somebody and Dave was just like on the stairs like pointing to himself sitting three-way and I was like, no, and then he got mad at me. That's got to be the, because that's the opposite of romance, but still in that genre. The least romantic thing someone's ever done to you. What do you have an answer? I mean my Dave anecdote about you was my answer. Yeah. All right.

That tracks. That's fair. All right. Thanks for listening everybody. Thanks for writing in. The opening theme song was Calvin Yeager. The closing one is a different Calvin Yeager song. Okay.

There are so many. We can use another one. That's it. If you have your own questions, we usually get them at ifirishowatgmail.com and as always we'll be back next week. If you're listening right now, don't go back in time and spoil where Kawhi ends up because I still have faith that he'll end up on the Lakers. I think he will bud.

Thanks man. I needed to hear that. All right. Later everybody. Peace. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

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