If I Were You - 393: Running Late

Episode Date: July 29, 2019

In this episode we discuss racist mugs, smelly thugs, and gift baskets. For more IF I WERE YOU, check out our Patreon -- Bonus videos every Thursday!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Was that a little dicky parody? It was. Good eye. Good ear. And better nose. I have the best nose of all. You smelled it out and if you would believe it, I mean if you can believe it, that was Justin

Gunkalves of course. Oh man, just a fucking beast, a behemoth, a titan of the industry. That was a little dicky parody and he says, shout out his insta, follow me at the best year 96. By the way, it's still private, but I will accept and maybe follow back. Woah, maybe a follow back. Get outta here dude. Somebody told me recently that setting your insta to private could get you more followers

because there's like probably one to two percent of people on your page are lurking and if they can't lurk, they'll follow. I have heard that before, I've heard that and I think that's kind of interesting but I just don't, I don't know, I don't care enough. I want to give it a go, I'm dangerously close to 100k followers and if I can squeeze out like another thousand from going private, I don't know, maybe it's worth it. I'm not like, I'm not bitter, I'm not like mad, but I don't, I have so, I have like, wait, like 30,000 less followers than you?

That's not okay, I'm not mad but I'm like, I'm sad, I'm sad and I'm a little pissed at you. Don't be. Obviously. No, it has nothing to do with like me, obviously it's just like more people want to, I guess see my pictures. Well that has a lot to do with you then. Don't say it has nothing to do with you, it has everything, you just made it like, you

made it entirely about you. I want it to be about me is all. Well, I just, I actually have two theories as to why I have more followers than you. One is cynical and one is natural and organic. Which one do you want first? This, the cynical, is the cynical that you're just more famous than I am? No. Oh, okay.

That's true but it's not what I was going to say. Well, you're an asshole, go ahead. The fact that my name is Amir leads to a bunch of confused Iranian Persians who accidentally follow me because they think they're following their friend Amir something else. Okay, I like that. You'll notice at the bottom of every one of my photos devolves into some sort of farsi chat room with people I assume speaking ill about me because I'm not actually Persian. So here's a question just before you get into your second reason.

If you went private and then you were getting lots of Persian requests, would you accept them knowing that it was likely not requesting to follow you for your Hebrew comedy routine? Yes. You would. Okay. Yeah, I like the fact that I have like a foolhardy 10% of people following me accidentally. All right, cool. All right, so what's the second reason that's more organic?

I post more. That's fair. I post more pictures of me, joke stories. I'm more active on Instagram, so I deserve more followers on there. I don't think you deserve more followers. I post really high quality content, it's few and far between, but each post is meticulously crafted, entirely thought out, mapped, planned for months in advance. You're too precious.

You're getting the highest caliber of content from me, whereas you fart out a story. Yeah, the more you post, the more people share, the more people talk, the more followers you get. I'm going to change my name to the name of a Farsi queen and see if it does anything for me. Yeah. I don't know, Giselle, G-I-Z-E-L, see if that's available. All right, whatever.

Let's record this podcast, I only have like five minutes today, so let's just get out of the way. What? You only have five minutes, these episodes take 45. Yeah, I know, I honestly have to jet now, but I'm doing you a solid, because I'm late. I'm late for, I am supposed to meet Jill and her family. Where? I'm meeting Jill and her family at a restaurant in Midtown for Jill's, yeah, it's Jill's

dad's birthday. All right, I'm sorry, I don't know what to tell you, you're either going to be late to them or you're late. Well, I'm already late, so that's why I really have to jet and find. You're already late. Yeah. You scheduled a podcast for when you were going to be, needed to be somewhere else. That's obviously bad.

I'm burning the candle at both ends to be sure, but I didn't think that I would, I think you can arrive fashionably late to a four-person dinner and that's kind of fine. A four-person dinner, no, you're 25% of the wedding party. Are you showered? Are you ready to go? As soon as we stop, you're going to be able to head over? Yes, I'm ready. My shoes are on, I'm ready to go, I have to do my hair and change, but I'm mostly ready

and I just have to. Your shoes are on, but you have to change. I have to change because I'm not wearing an outfit that I can wear to this dinner because it's- Are you showered? I haven't showered, but I don't need to showered. Yes, you do. I'll just, okay.

So I have to, then I really have to jet in like two minutes. You really had to jet before we got started. You really had to jet. I have to jet. Right now, you're sort of committed. I honestly, yeah, now we're recording, so I have five minutes max. Let's try to bang out one question and then I really should be at this- We're not banging anything out.

This was a hard reservation. You get, Jill got this reservation six weeks ago. I confirmed, she like reconfirmed, double-checked with me. She knows you were likely to do something like this, yeah. She's texting now. Hold on. Of course. Where are you?

So I have to- Yeah. All right, just let me fire off a quick tech. What are you going to tell her? I said on the subway platform, on the subway platform, sorry, Amir was being a real diva today. I was being a diva. That's why you're on a subway platform.

Well, she knew I had to record a podcast and she said that just I should do it earlier because I promised that I was going to be at this dinner. I was supposed to pick up the present that she got her dad, which I still have to do. Oh my God. Oh my God. I have to absolutely jet soon because- You're a poor husband to her. This dinner I have to be at.

I'm supposed to be at 10 minutes ago with the present. Yeah, having had. Having had. Having had a gift. So let's- All right. Well, let's get into it then. Yeah.

This is if I were you. Advice show, only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. She's fucking calling me. Of course. I'm Amir. I'm Josh. You're not. You're not.

You're on the phone. Holy shit. You picked up. Oh, enough to answer it sooner or later. All right. Let's go. Yeah. Let's get it done.

All right. This is a question, as always, real questions, real people. Send them on down to if I were you show at gmail.com. This one we got just last week is a 25-year-old white guy. Okay. You got a name for a 25-year-old white guy? Todd. That's good.

Todd writes, I'm a 25-year-old white guy. I promise this is relevant. Currently at an MBA program down in San Diego. I got this summer internship at this real estate development office through one of my executives here. The people I work with are a bit more conservative than the people I worked with when I was living in Portland. So maybe I'm overreacting.

But for the past two days, there's been a mug in the kitchen that says, no hobble-o fuck Tardo. Jesus. Really strange. Yeah. There's a decent amount of construction on our floor since I started, and most of the workers are Hispanic. I don't know whose mug it is.

I've been here for three weeks now, and I don't think anyone here would be the type to own a mug like this. However, I could be wrong. They're generally middle-aged white men and women, so who knows? I'm not really sure what to do here. I feel like it's my duty as the intern to do slash say something since I won't be here in a couple of months, and I don't plan on working here when I graduate next year. Hopefully, you can shed some light on what one should do in terms of standing up for

human rights as the new guy in the office. Thanks. Love, Todd. Interesting. So he wants to stand up. He's not saying, should I, he's like, I think I should. He wants to, and he wants our help. Yeah.

He wants to know what to do as some sort of social justice vigilante hero. Yeah. No hoblo fuck Tardo. Speaking of vigilantes, I feel like this is something that John Wolf is known to do to so discord in an office. He'll... What? He'll get an offensive mug.

He'll get an offensive mug. Which is legal, right? Which is legal. You can pick them up on Canal Street. You can order them online. There are mean mugs out there. The world was made with Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve is an example of a homophobic mug.

Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah. And he would pick up something like that and just leave it in the kitchen, in the company kitchen, like a common area. And that's not because he's racist or homophobic. He just knows, he likes chaos, obviously, and he'll sow discord. Yeah. He often sows discord.

Yeah. So, I think first and foremost, you have to be certain that this is not a John Wolf-type vigilante prank. Yeah. And then, okay, so this specific mug, no hablo fucked Tardo. No hablo. Not hablo. Are you sure that that's a fucking gringo?

An anti-Spanish, is that a speak English or go home to situation? I honestly don't know. It's either offensive to Hispanic people or to mentally disabled or handicapped people. The fact that it's no hablo means like, it seems like Spanish specific. That's the one thing I do know. Right. But I think it's like, I don't speak stupid. I think that that's what the mug means, right?

Right. I know, I don't understand moron. Yeah. But in Spanish, for some reason. But it's not, I don't feel like it's calling Spanish that slur. I don't know. Yeah, but imagine someone speaking Spanish. There's enough gray area here to make this mug not worth drinking your coffee out of.

You can just have like a plain mug. Yeah. The question is, is no hablo like specifically Spanish or is it like common language at this point where it's like, hasta la vista fucked Tardo? Right. You wouldn't necessarily think that that's a Spanish specific slur. It's just like, it's common language at this point. I would think that the fuck Tardo is the offensive phrase here.

Yeah. Like that's the name of the line. I mean, I can see like somebody speaking Spanish and then like a closed minded white American saying no hablo fuck Tardo to him. Right. That's true. And then like giggling about it, getting the mug for it. Is anyone in your office wearing a make America great again hat?

That's a good question. That's a good, you know, try to survey that. Well, that's the thing. He doesn't want to like let this be a slippery slope, right? But again, he's saying he's leaving soon. So maybe if you, if you don't want to like ruffle any feathers last day, you steal the mug. I would say, I think you break the mug and then you write a company wide email that says,

Hey, Todd, the intern here. I had a, I had a mishap in the kitchen and I sadly broke someone's mug. It said no hablo fuck Tardo on it. It read. So if this is your, if this is your mug, please reply all and so we know who you are. I'll buy you a less offensive mug, smiley face. And then like, since everyone is in it together, it's this like I am Spartacus situation where everybody starts replying all taking ownership and onus over the mug.

Right. Well, I guess that's when you know you have to quit. But like, what if this is, I feel like an internship, you can be the vigilante. You can leave since you don't, oh, you don't want to work there, but like you still might want to reference like your next job might want to, um, call your boss and yeah, I guess so you don't want to do anything too, too crazy, but I don't think it's that crazy to like just say, Hey, this mug offends me. Sorry.

Sorry. Not sorry. Yeah. So would you steal the mug, break the mug, do nothing about the mug? I think break the mug. I guess I personally would throw the mug away and never say anything about it because whoever bought that mug kind of has a there. It's like right morally for them to like sort of have that as like a nagging thing at them

for the rest of their life. Like what happened to my mug? Where did it go? Like that'll be just a question that hangs over them and they'll never know the answer. It's the guy that shows up in a no hob low fuck Tardo shirt. I guess you'll be able to figure it out. It's just that cafe press had a two for one deal. What if the person writes in all emails like, Hey, someone did anyone take my favorite mug?

It was a red mug and it said no oblo fuck Tardo on it. Yeah. I also had a mug that said no oblo fuck Tardo. I have, I have a mug like that, but I keep it at my house. Mine's a pint glass. I have a mug like that, but it's a thermos. I have a swell bottle that says no hob low fuck Tardo, but I don't think I brought it to work that day.

Yeah. I've thrown it away. Toss it. Here's another question from an office space. All right. Well, I just have one question because I really have to get out of here. No, it can't stress enough how little time it's been. It's been like a little over 15 minutes.

Well, I do just want to quickly answer this because Jill's called me three times. Just one second. We can edit this. Edit this part out of the podcast. Hold on. Yeah. Hey, baby. Oh my God.

No, I know I was, I'm on the subway. I got really sick and I just, yeah, I threw up on the train, but I'm okay. I'm okay. Shit. I'm good. Pathological prick. I'm, I'm actually, I'm, I'm going to get it in taxi. So I'll be there in five minutes.

I'll be there in five minutes. Don't say that. You're lying. Yeah. No, no. Don't order. Oh my God. You selfish ass.

Don't order. All right. I love you so much. I'll be there in five minutes. Oh my God. You're already lying. Just say you can't come. I did get the present.

Don't worry. I got the present. It's going to love it. All right. I love you. All right. Let's, let's fart out one more question. No, we're not going to fart anything out.

Your lies are so easily traceable. They're going to be proven wrong very quickly. Don't say you're going to be there in five minutes. Don't say don't order without me. Well, she's going to be pissed if I'm not there in five minutes. So what do you want me to do? However yell at me on the phone. No.

Just say, if you're going to lie, just say I puked. I don't feel well. I'm going to stay at home. Well, I want to get there for dinner because it's going to be, I think it's going to be really tasty. And I think it'll be a nice time. I will be a nice time because you're not dressed. You haven't showered.

You're 45 minutes away. I don't need to shower. You haven't got a gift. I really don't need to shower. I went on like a run, but I'm not even that sweaty. So I need to change out of my running, my melting, my gym clothes. And then I just need to get on the, maybe I'll call an Uber because I'll, to midtown right now in an Uber is only like 40 minutes.

So yeah. All right. Let's do it. That's all. We really got to get this question answered so I can jet. All right. You know what? Let's take a break.

Well, thanks to sponsors. While you sort this shit out, then we'll answer some more questions after. That's great. But let's take a really quick break. All right. All right. Fine. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast.

You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the goat father's day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah.

Not just father's day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow.

We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great, really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool.

So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma. She was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole.

This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like she misheard it or something like that, or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant.

Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an Aura. Yeah. Thank you.

The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter.

Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. Really iconic gift.

And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames. That's A-U-R-A Frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th.

So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames. A-U-R-A Frames.com. Okay. Go get your parents something. All right. Thank you Aura.

And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place and it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area. BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible and suitable to your schedule.

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So you can find that balance better with BetterHelp. All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com slash if I were you. You do that today. You can get 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help and it's extra affordable.

That's betterhelp.com slash if I were you. Check them out. BetterHelp. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a letter to the fire. Mom, I'm coming. It's gross.

Woo. No, I don't. Neither do you. So let's keep the show moving. Yeah, I was going to say like a shower right after workout might be a good one. You don't want to just sit around in your sweat sometimes. Yeah. Well, I had to do that today because I had to do that today because I went to the gym.

I went on a run and then I had to jump on this podcast before often times you let that sweat dry. And I think that's when like the problems arise, you know, in terms of odor and pores getting clogged. You really want to like one sec. I got to take this. Oh, no. Hey, baby.

No, I'm feeling a lot better. You don't sound it. I'm in a cab. I'm in a cab. You're obviously not in a cab. I'm pulling. I'm on 48th and Park. I'm two blocks away.

Oh my God. I'm two blocks away, baby. Don't worry. Don't worry. She's going to know. Because I need to look at the menu. That's why. Holy shit.

All right. I love you. Bye. Okay. Sorry. I got a little short. I got a little short with her at the end there. Yes.

Why are you apologizing to me? You got short with her. You're telling her not to order. You're still 45 minutes away from her. Well, I'm just worried because I want to be able to see what the specials are and stuff. Just don't worry. The specials are the least important part. I'm just pissed too because the waiter there is obviously rushing them because there's

another reservation because we're half an hour into this one and they're like, well, you guys have to order so we can get the other reservations on time. They should plan for this kind of stuff to happen. They should plan for one. They should plan for one of the people being a complete asshole or having over an hour late. Oh, real nice. Real nice.

I'm an asshole. Yes. I'm an asshole. I told you I had to go in a minute when we started recording. Yeah. I said I had to go. I said I had to jet when we started recording. Right.

And you kept me on the horn for near half an hour and now I'm late. I was already late when we started and I'm even more late. All right. Another workplace question is what I was saying. You need a girl's name. Okay. Let's get it done. Girls.

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. We just have to record. We have to finish. So it doesn't matter. Let's just unname this person. No name. Talking faster won't get us to the 45 minute five fucking Daphne.

Fine. It's fucking Daphne writes what fucking Daphne writes. Go. Go. Go. This isn't like a distance thing where we're trying to finish a race fast. We're going to go for another 20 minutes regardless of how many questions we get through. Oh my God.

Okay. Yeah. Oh my God. You told Jill you were two blocks away. Yeah. I wish I hadn't done that because now I'm going to get caught in my fucking web of lies. Yeah. Yes.

That's what I've been saying from the beginning. Okay. I'll figure something out. I can get myself out of this jam. Don't worry. Okay. All right. Daphne writes, I'm in a stinky situation.

I just started a new job as an administrative assistant and my desk is near the front door which is great but it's also near a single person bathroom for everyone upstairs. I don't think this is a problem until the first person came out and left the door open and I got a waft of that poop slash febrize smell we all know and love. Doody. First though. Yeah. Everyone here poops and leaves the door wide open for it to air out and the smell comes

right to my desk. I can't light a candle at my desk and I don't want to spray my own febrize every time someone comes out because they'd feel embarrassed. So what can I do to alleviate my nose and make this job seem not so quote shitty? Hum hum hum. It's tough because you're the new person there. You don't want to be like, can I move desks already? It smells like shit.

Yeah. I mean, jeez. But like that's just that's offensive. It's unacceptable. It's no way to live your life. It's just like inhaling shit and febrize. Yeah. I don't.

Yeah. Maybe you could ask about just like moving your desk away. I think you can ask. You don't have to say why. Or you can say. She's the administrative assistant. Maybe she's like greeting people as they enter. Desk is at the front.

There's maybe something you could do to the bathroom. Like what's what's the deal there? Is there a fan? It sounds like there might not be if people are leaving or opening the door to air it out. Yeah. What about a what about a stick that pushes the door closed every time somebody leaves? Yeah.

That's that's interesting. A stick. Yeah. So you got the stick. Everyone leaves. You take the stick out and then you're like, eh, and then you sort of jam the door closed. You know. Yeah.

That's not a bad idea to have a stick that'll shut the door or like a pole or a rod. Yeah. Having a stick, a pole, a rod, a stinky stick. That's nice. Yeah. A dowel. Yeah. But like.

And when people ask you what it is, you're like, oh, this is my stinky stick. Whenever someone takes a fat shit and doesn't close the door, I get to close it with my stinky stick. Right. And if I, if my stinky stick were another foot longer, I could flush the toilet for you and wipe your ass too. But then I worry that you become, instead of the administrative assistant, you just sort of come, become like a more of a custodian that you're, you're just focused on, on the

bathroom and people's shitting habits. Yeah. I feel like to do your best work. You need to rid yourself of this problem, not double down on like solving it every time someone shits, you know? Yeah. This has to be dealt with and disposed of much like shit itself. What about those little, oh, what about poo-pourri?

We got that at the office and it kind of worked. A big book of matches. I really think there has to be more, there needs to be more options inside the bathroom for the people shitting. That's, that's where this, the root of this problem is for me. So you go straight to the source. You get the poo-pourri, which is the spray that you spray the toilet water surface. And when the shit goes in there, it sort of creates a seal that doesn't allow the aroma

to come out. Yeah. Maybe you just like make a little poop smelling basket for people in the bathroom. That's a one time activity and you're like, everyone please use this. Or like, yeah, you know, that's, that's all you got to do. That's all you can do. There's poo-pourri, some of those like little oil, those like little sticks in the, in the oil that, that smell nice.

Well, yeah, the, the poop sticks, the shit sticks that I was talking about. That's another, yeah, it's another term of the, the shit stick. And then I think the other idea is maybe, maybe you angle your desk away from the bathroom. I don't know how close you are to the, to the bathroom, but if there's like a different angle you could sit at. So the, the smell is hitting the back of your head instead of the front of your face. That might be a little better. Or smells like that though.

Smells feel like more like a cloud that permeate, not like a laser that shoots. Like you can't turn your back on a smell. Right. But you can kind of like escape a smell by like putting your nose into your shirt or something. What about you can never turn your back on a smell? I'm just thinking about like a catch phrase or like an idea or an emotion to tap into in terms of being like a, a febrize or almost like a, what's it called when you have like

something in your car, like the, the tree that you hang in the mirror. The air freshener. Yeah. Like an air freshener. You want to, you want to get into smelling slogans and you couldn't come up with the words air freshener. Yeah. Like, like what's it called?

I just don't think you're there. I don't think you're there. You're not ready. So imagine this, a mother and a daughter are grocery shopping. She's stressed. We start in on a closeup of the shopping cart nipping at the back of her heels. Ah, we've all been there before, right? Sorry.

This is a commercial about smelling and she's taking her hit somebody's heels. That's the first. Yeah. She's taking her, taking her paper bag and one of them just tears open at the bottom and it spills loose quinoa everywhere in the parking lot. People are honking at her. It's hot. The daughter as a goof just keeps like running in that fucking shopping cart into her heels,

right? Is it okay? So it's not a mistake. People are honking. It's a newly resurfaced black top, sorry, don't interrupt me. It's a newly resurfaced like black top. Don't interrupt. Is this a pitch?

No, we're a brainstorm. Sorry, don't talk. Can you stop talking? There's heat waves coming out of the asshole. It's so hot. It's like a desert oasis. She finally gets into her car after picking up the loose quinoa, which is nearly impossible by the way.

Those things are so small. Do you have any idea how small like loose dry quinoa is spilled out onto a parking lot? You told me not to talk to you. You're asking? Sorry, don't interrupt me. And then you enter, you enter the car and she sees, boom, we rack focus from her nose to the air freshener and over black or maybe like a really dark blue. We see the text.

What? Sorry, can you not interrupt? We see the text. What was it again? Of course, of course, you already forgot. You wanted to shoot a commercial where someone spends the entirety of it picking up loose quinoa from the hot, from the hot asphalt. You couldn't even remember the dumb slogan you came up with.

You want to put it over a blue screen again? You'll never, yeah, you'll never forget your first shit stick. That was so far from what the original idea was so far. You can't turn your back on a smell is what you said. Then you pitched a commercial where some woman's daughter runs over her leg with a shopping cart. She picks up quinoa and perfect. No, it's not.

I'm feeling like draper ish. You've brought no one to tears. It's so stupid. I don't even know what you're trying to sell. Oh, uh, Camry Toyota Camry Toyota Camry's with you can't turn your back on a smell. Yeah. Well, it's a conjuring an image of like a terrible, terrible day. It's a December to remember sales event.

It's a December to remember sales event, actually. So that's why it's a car commercial. So you're not even pitching a commercial. You're pitching a sale. Yeah. So it starts off with like $100, $200 for the car and then like, we'll go up from there until people stop buying them. Draper never pitched sale ideas.

Coupons like pricing. He doesn't say pricing. That's what the work complete soup to nuts digital ad agency. So we'll do pricing logos, taglines, commercials, whatever, jingles. Sorry, well, you're quickly on your on on the pricing front, because I do want to get to jingles. What was the pricing for the Toyota? We started at 100 and then we add a dollar to every car sold until people stop buying them.

OK, so the first Toyota I could buy for $100. Yeah, and then the next one would be 101, right? And then 102, 103 until we reach whatever sticker prices. OK, and that's when people and so these manufacturers are losing tens of thousands of dollars on a car with that price point. Yeah, at the front. But then in the back end, you start making it back when people start buying Toyotas for fifty, sixty, seventy thousand dollars.

No, they'll only do that up to a point. No one will buy a Toyota for seventy thousand dollars. It stops being a sale. It starts being a huge markup on on a mid class car. OK, OK, OK, relax. OK, so so you can't do the pricing. Let's hear the jingle. Well, now you're all in my head about this shit, but it was I was thinking of like

so like I'm not even like that musically talented, but you're not. And I'm musically talented at all. You're also bad at setting the price and coming up with the commercials. But let's hear the jingle because you said your your soup to nuts ad agency does jingles. Toyo Toyo, I'm loving it. So you mispronounced. First of all, bad voice, terrible singing voice. You mispronounced the name of the company.

Toyo Toyo. And then you said I'm loving it, which you stole from McDonald's. I didn't. I mean, stole. I stole a car. I didn't steal a jingle. So you stole a car. I took a car when I took my mom's fucking car as research. OK, as research for how to sell a Toyota and set pricing.

You stole your mom's car. Oh, my God, stole. You said stole. She asked me to move it to the driveway. I took it for a year. You're a bad son and you're a bad executive. Don Draper doesn't do this. But Dick Whitman does.

He sure does. Sorry, I have to take a call. Oh, my God. Hang on one second. Yeah. I'm sorry, baby. I got in a car accident. I was two blocks away.

Liar. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It was crazy. Honk, honk. No, I'm OK. I'm OK. I'm going to be there and I'm just I have to hoof it. So I'll be there in 30 seconds.

I'll be there in 30 seconds. Please. Liar. Instantly provable. Please don't order or if you really need to order, text me a picture of the specials or text me the specials. But I'll be there. Honestly, just don't even order because I'll honk, honk.

We're moving. Sorry, we'll I'll be there in 30 seconds, 30 seconds. I'm hoofing it now. She's going to know. She's going to know. I love you so much. I love you so much. Nice.

All right. I bought myself not much time, but. No, not much time. 30 seconds is what you buy yourself. Any little bit helps. So let's close out this Bias. Yeah, this is a question from another dude. Any ideas for a name?

Let's yeah. No, I'm a friggin Chad. Chad, whatever gets it done, I just have to. I have to be in midtown an hour and a half ago. So yeah, yep, whatever gets it done. Here comes Chad. This bachelor has finally settled down and found someone he truly likes.

Here's some context. We've been dating for four months and she said, I love you for the first time a few days ago. So I'd say things are going well. She goes out of her way for me in a lot of ways, like bringing me meds when I'm sick, being my chauffeur around town. However, we both had our birthday this month,

which are two days apart. I went all out and booked us an Airbnb for the weekend, planned activities, got her a portrait of her dog. I paid for everything, and it ended up being a $300 weekend. Her gift to me was a gift basket. Maybe $50 worth of items. I'm not someone who wants the equivalent gift,

such as $300 worth of items, but come on. I was slightly annoyed, but didn't get really pissed till I found out she is currently broke because she overdrew her account. The reason? She spent $300 on clothes this month on herself. That's right, she is a shopping addict and buys herself everything.

She said she almost got me a shirt, but it was $20 and too expensive. Are you fucking kidding me? You need three body suits, but can't get a damn shirt for my birthday? Am I being dramatic here? I feel like this was super selfish and she could have gotten me a little more

instead of putting herself first and spending so much so as to overdraw her account. She definitely has a problem. Let me know and I appreciate any advice you can give. Seize the cheese. Ha ha ha, seize the cheese indeed. Does he want our advice? It sounds like he came to his own conclusion.

He's mad at her. She has a problem. All right, thanks guys. She got a gift basket and it should have been a shirt in addition to the basket. Yeah, I want a shirt in a basket. I want a tisket, a tasket, and I want a gift basket. What's a gift basket?

What do you think's in that for a birthday? A birthday gift basket? I would say. A candle and a summer sausage. No, it's gotta be like, I would hope it's, at the very least, I hope it was like, she made it. So it's like, oh, this guy, he loves famous Amos cookies.

So there's some cookies in there. And maybe a baseball hat and like a framed picture of them. I feel like it's mostly like food and little stuff, inside jokes, you know? A pez dispenser. You want it to be a thoughtful gift basket. You don't want it to just be a regular gift basket. So number one, I'd look at that.

If she put thought and time into it, then it actually is a good gift, even though you don't think the money adds up. Two, I feel like the problem is not that like, she didn't spend enough money on you or that she's a shop. I mean, it sounds like she has, you guys just don't have a lot of money. So you guys shouldn't stress about getting each other gifts.

Yeah, she's over drawing. It seems like there's two issues here. One, you're sad that she didn't give you a gift commensurate with your own. And two, you think that she has some sort of spending issues like financial irresponsibilities. Which financial irresponsibility is maybe, that's definitely more valid

because it's not good to overdraw your account. And if you want to spend a long time with somebody, you do want to learn what their spending habits are and where their values in that sense lies. That's like one of the things that Jill and I had to talk about before we got married. But I don't think that like stacking up what you got her versus what she got you is very healthy

or fair. The other thing I would mention, he's like, everybody has different love languages. You know this, right? Oh yeah, like gifts, acts of service, physical affection. Yep, and it sounds like she maybe gives you acts of service, i.e. driving you around town and hand delivering your medication.

So like she does shit for you. She says she loves you. She's, and she's proving it in certain ways, but you think she hasn't proved it with her gift giving, which I think as long as she's doing the other stuff, that's fine. Yeah, don't worry too much about how much money she's spent on you.

Yes, if you didn't worry about the basket, I just don't think it's ever good to be like, I didn't like what you got me for my birthday. Yeah, you never want to be mad at a gift. The fact that you got a gift is good. Yeah. I think you should worry about the gift that you need to give.

Jill's father, is it? Yeah, so I was, so he has this cool old watch that never worked and Jillian and I had this nice idea. She like took it from his jewelry box and we brought it to this like watchmaker in Lower Manhattan and he said he could fix it. Yeah. And I was supposed to pick it up and I have,

so actually the thing is I was also supposed to fuck. I was supposed to drop it off there last week because otherwise he's not even gonna, yeah, so this watchmaker, I don't know how long it takes to fix a watch, but I was supposed to give it to him two weeks ago. Yeah. But yeah, we chatted on the phone and he said he can fix it.

I just have to give it to him. You realize you're getting further and further away from this dinner and you're lying about being closer and closer to the dinner. You really need two weeks. Excuse me? Are you talking to me or are you on the phone again? No, sorry, I'm just a little distracted

because I'm looking up how to get to this watchmaker because I have to, I can't show up empty-handed is the thing. You can't show up. You told her you were soaking wet, getting honked at, afraid, crying. That was like 10 minutes ago. You said you were 30 seconds away.

How many missed calls do you have at this point? I have 14 missed calls, but they're not all from Jill, is what I'm gonna say. Don't say, yeah, yeah. I have 14 missed calls. How many are from Jill? 10 are from Jill and two are from her dad. That's still 12.

Two are from her mom. I got it. God, fucking. They're all from the dinner. Who are you, AT&T? You look at my phone bill or something. No, I don't care about your fucking phone bill. The guy at it.

The watch shop is closed. Great, good job, good job, Bloominfeld. You kept me on the fucking podcast for 45 freaking minutes and it closed. That's a normal amount of time to do a show. So now I'm showing up empty-handed to this dinner. I wanted to record at five and you said, actually can we push to six?

I'm running late. And then at six, you said, hold on a second. What I said was I'm running. Let's record at six. I'm running late. I had to go on a run. Don't just be like, oh, Jake is late to shit. I was not late to shit.

I had a plan. No one to blame. I was exercising. No one to blame but yourself. I was exercising, really? So I can't exercise? I have to be at your vacant call to record a podcast? No, I was exercising.

So I said, let's record the podcast later. And now I had five minutes to do the podcast and you made me fucking stretch it out to where we're closing in on nearly 50 freaking minutes. And now I'm late to dinner and the watch shop is closed. So I'm showing up empty-handed to this dinner. And honestly, I wonder if I'll even get to eat because Jill just texted that they didn't order.

Of course you don't get to eat. They did order. You're worried about being able to eat? You're not gonna be able to eat. You're not gonna be able to eat. Okay, let's just end this show quickly so I can get there. I can get there. I'm gonna try to text.

Yeah, that's our time. You got your own questions or theme songs. Send them to ifirishow at gml.com. Opening one written by Justin Guncalves as usual. And this closing one is written by Thomas Meskill who makes music under the name AP Macro Economics. Very cool. Wow, he weird-outed myself

and parroted a song of himself called Flower Child. Hope we like it. So thanks, Thomas and thanks, Justin. Thanks to you guys for listening. Of course we'll be back next week. We're always back next week. Every week. Now I'm just gonna quickly call Jill.

We can, but we can stop recording. Fine, stop recording. Oh, hi, yeah, you ordered? Okay. Oh my God. Can you explain why you ordered when I'm standing outside the restaurant trying to get in? Try.

Trying to get in. You don't know how a fucking door works. I can't find the door, babe. That's why I'm laying. This restaurant that you chose is, it's, I feel like it's the skull and bones. I can't get in. Oh my God.

Okay. I'm outside. You're not. I can't believe you ordered. You're not. I can't believe you ordered. All right. All right, I'll be right in.

I found the door. Jake and Amir have advice that you should hear. One's a nerd, one is fun. One cool dude and one chipmunk. If I were you, here is what they would do. Might be dumb, won't be right, but Jake will get the golden mic. Listen to if I were you.