If I Were You - 396: Ice Cream Girl

Episode Date: August 19, 2019

In this episode we discuss being newly single, high school crushes, and unrequited love.For more advice, check out our bonus Thursday video episodes on our Patreon.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Folksy. That is a bluegrass chic theme song made by a bluegrass musician with the no good redwood ramblers of Northern California group. Okay. If I like that, I guess I like bluegrass. That's possible. That definitely sounds like Northern California.

That's gotta be coming from Eureka. Yeah. He's got it. There's also a radio host on KHUM, a free-form music station in Humboldt. This guy's like cool Northern California. Yeah. So much north that they look down on San Francisco. You ever think about if you could live anywhere in the world, where would make the most sense

for you to live? Not like where do you want to live? Yeah. Because that's where most people like me. Yeah. When somebody meets you, where would they expect you to live? Nowhere tough. So like I wouldn't come from Chicago or Detroit because I wouldn't survive.

Yeah. So suburbia in a way, a warm weather, like almost like Phoenix, but Phoenix isn't Jewish enough. Oh. So maybe like Los Angeles or like the Valley or something like that. I don't think you look, I mean. The 818 produced me and it's the only place that I could survive. I'm a Chihuahua.

I am a little rat who got by with a lot of help from my friends. And your parents. Yes. I got by with a little help from my mom. I guess I could have been like an East Bay kid like Walnut Creek or some shit like that. Oh, there you go. See those are like Northern California suburbs, but still warm weather. Yeah.

And you? I feel like in my heart of hearts, I'm like some kind of Northeastern state. I would like to think I'm more of a Maine. Then a Connecticut. Then a Connecticut. Because Connecticut is a little more, I'm a little more rugged, a little more in touch with my spirituality and stuff. Yeah.

Like more outdoorsy. Connecticut is more like yachts in rich Republican times. Right. And I'm like upper middle class, but I'm definitely. Yeah. So like I'm super, super conservative, but I'm not rich. So you're a poor conservative Christian. Oh yeah.

So I'm from Arkansas. So in Maine, you're from Maine in your heart of hearts. Where would you say you're from in your fart of sharts? Mission. So like in your fart of sharts. In my fart of sharts, I'm from Michigan. Deep, deep, deep in your asshole where you fart and poop accidentally comes out. So yeah, I'm from Michigan there.

What about you? Miami. Yeah. So still warm, but more like humid, Latin flavor type style Judaism. A Cuban sandwich. Yeah. And it's like so like, it's so hot and humid that I have swamp ass. Like in my fart of sharts, I'm just completely used to the moisture down there.

Whether it's baby food, a shart. That makes sense. Just humidity. It's a, it's a, it's a sweltering rainforest beneath betwixt my cheeks. Right. Actually, can you grab that banjo? Sure. One second.

It's a sweltering rainforest between my cheeks. Is there a famous bluegrass? Cause like I like that, but who should I listen to if I like bluegrass? Blues Traveler. That's cool. I do already like them. All right. So it stands to reason.

Okay. So for you, the only advice show on the web hosted by me, I'm Amir. And me, I'm Jake. We've transcended podcast. The word is obsolete at this point. Right. This is not just a podcast that minimizes it. It does.

It's a show. It's a movement. It's a show. And it's not just an audio only show. Because we sometimes take videos of it. Yeah. Shout out to our Patreon. There's a video of our podcast every single week.

Every other Thursday. Oh, sorry. It's a video show. Not a podcast. It's a video. So a television show, really, if you watch it on TV at patreon.com.j.a. That's correct. You could watch some bonus content for half an hour at a time.

We watch old Jake and Amir videos. There's clips of it on our YouTube channel, which you can watch for free. So if you want to dip your toes, you can do that. Yeah. YouTube.com. If I were you show has clips. There's been twice. And I think I uploaded both times that you've laughed so hard.

It was kind of... Fomented, wasn't it? Yeah. It's crazy. You've puked. I almost puked. Choked. Right.

One time I came really close. I had to spit everything out. And then the second time I really thought, I was like, I don't know what's going to happen here. I'm going to have to throw up if I want to live. Yeah. I was like, I was laughing so hard that I... But I didn't know what to do.

All of those... You were choking. Like the wrong spot. Yeah. It was crazy. It's like you breathed it in. I was... I had like a full-on...

You accidentally waterboarded. I was going to have to throw up. It was just like, this is going to... You're going to throw up. I don't know how I didn't throw up. Maybe you did. Well, I definitely did something. Well, you threw up water.

Does that count? It wasn't in me and I threw it up. It was like... In your mouth. It was in my mouth. I spit the water out and then I sort of like hacked and coughed a lot. Right. Until you sort of superficially threw up.

Yeah. Your body does something weird when it thinks it's going to swallow something and it doesn't. In theory, I just... I was laughing. I threw something in my throat and then I spit it out. But then like, why did... That should have been problem solved. I'm mad at me.

I'm mad at my bod for that. But not your brain. My brain's... My brain did good. Your brain's fine. My brain was like, don't throw up and I didn't. Yeah. I did alright.

One time my body did okay. It was like Chernobyl. Your brain are like the people inside there and they're like scrambling to figure something out. And eventually they did. We don't know how they got out of it. But your body is melted down to the core. Right. So something way worse than I even realized probably happened.

Yeah. So just like Chernobyl. You'll find out in two years when you start coughing blood. Alright. This is a question from... Is it a lady? No. It's a dude.

A dude with a kind of lady's name. Ooh. Ashley. That's cool. Ashley writes, I'm being kept up at night by this conundrum. I need your help. I got out of a two-year relationship.

I'm 23. A few weeks ago. Ended up on a tinder after a week or so looking for a casual hookup. I met up with this weird but cool Scottish chick and we started sleeping together pretty casually. Just what I wanted. But now she's... Now I'm realizing she's pretty cool and don't like the idea of her sleeping with other people.

Obviously another relationship is the last thing I want. So my question is, should I just stop talking to this girl who I probably have feelings for because I like her too much for the casual thing to work out? Should I just see if she wants to date properly? I don't like this option very much. Or should I just man up, keep it casual and keep hitting up tinder for hookups as well as this girl? Thanks.

Come to Edinburgh. Love. Ashley. We just missed that Edinburgh Fringe Festival. I always wanted to go to that. Yeah. Do we have to have a show to present there or you just want to go for as fans? I would just...

I guess I just want to go to... I don't even need to go for the Fringe Festival. You just want to go to Scotland. Yeah. I do want to go to Scotland. But it often feels like we can only go to these English speaking cities for a show. And that sort of facilitates a more exotic vacation. It's ruined traveling for us when we have to pay for a vacation that we're not getting

paid to go there for. I'm like, why would I go to Scotland unless someone's giving me enough cash to go there? Well, it's just like sometimes I'm like, Scotland, that's a cool place. But if I'm really going to take a vacation, I want to go super far away. Yeah. Scotland's like, I could go there for a show and then continue on into deeper exotic territory. Yeah. Even northern Scotland.

That'd be kind of fun. Deeper still. Deeper still. The Isle of Man. I do want to go to the Isle of Man. The Isle of Flans. So what would you do? If you started liking a casual hookup?

Would you break up with her because you like her too much? Is that weird? I don't think that's ever really an option. Does anybody ever truly do that? It's like saving yourself from yourself. It's always something people say. Like, I just need to cut myself. I need to break this off because I care too much.

That sounds like an excuse. But no one has willpower when you actually like someone a lot. You're done. You're done. You're not going to be able to just cut it off. It's like your brain and your body thing again. Your brain knows like, oh, this isn't right. This isn't logical.

But your body just gets so turned on chemically that they have to have it. That your brain is finally like, okay, fine. We'll hang out. But this is the last time. Or you can just, is it weird that it bothers them that she's sleeping with other guys while he sleeps with other girls? That's a little weird. It's a little hypocritical. Like, I think that if, I think that you're fine.

You're just starting to like someone. This is such a normal behavior. But he doesn't want to get into a relationship again because he just got out of one. Too bad, man. It doesn't work like that. You like somebody. You like somebody. Unless you like actively just never see anybody more than twice and make that a weird, hard and fast rule.

That seems real. I mean, that would have to be a hard and fast rule because it's a hard rule to follow, but you better follow it fast. That's cool. You would be better at doing this than I would. Like stopping something, like being more logical than emotional. Yeah, especially when it comes to a relationship. Yeah, it's tough because you do want to enjoy the single life, but then part of you enjoying the single life involves meeting people. And sometimes you like the people you meet and then it's like, how do I enjoy the single life if I'm enjoying this person?

But like, it's ultimately weird because you're like, you want to quote, enjoy the single life, which means you want to be happy. But this person makes you happy. So it's like, why not just hang out with her? The tough thing to me is like remembering that you always return to the balance. Like if you're obsessed with someone and you want to spend all your time with them, that's nice and you can do that. But there will be a day inevitably when you want to have a little bit more balance where you have personal time and time with your friends. Right. So I think it's a dangerous precedent to set that you're like, I'm always available and we hang out nonstop.

So maybe there's like a slowing down version where you're like not completely jumping into this relationship, but you're seeing her once every four days, once every five days. Yeah. You don't need to speed this up. You're going to be fine. That is a common mistake is like, is this so fun? I just spent the last three days with this person and now like we're kind of in love or something. It's been like a week and a half. And it's like, whoa, this is too much too fast too soon.

And then you have to bail. So maybe the most you can do is not leave yourself, but slow things down. I guess that's option B. Just continue seeing her the way you have been because that's evidently working. That's right. You guys are liking each other. And you're not exclusive yet. So you can still do your hanging out with other people thing for now.

Right. But she can too. And that's just one of the pros and the cons of being in a relationship like this. Especially in Scotland, like the rules are so different there. You don't even want to know what the rules of dating in Scotland are. It's just so different there. Do you know any of the rules? What are the rules?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of them are like super antiquated rules about like how to date in Scotland. What's he talking about? What's such a bizarre scene. How to date? When do you go to Scotland? Clubbing and it's all like club culture, body language has a lot to do with it. There's a club culture and body language in Scotland.

Have you been there? Yeah, I've never been, but like just like it rained so much that people are like, they almost are biophysically incapable of finding themselves in a casual relationship in Scotland. Of course, it's Scotland. That doesn't make any sense. And it's such a good goal. Do you think it rained so much that it's changed their chemistry? Yeah, because it makes up for it.

Because like when you're soaking wet, I'm not talking about like vaginally. I'm talking about like your hair's damp. Okay. And if you're constantly like that, you're like, it fucks with you. Even if it rains a lot in Scotland, why do you think everyone is constantly wet? Because a lot of hair, they probably have umbrellas. They don't, because like you're raised in it. It's considered like, yeah, it's considered unskottish to deal with it.

Do you think they just sit outside in the rain all day? I think they wear windbreakers actually, but that still trickles down to their jeans and it gets them wet. And then when you're walking around with wet thighs, you're not really looking to make a wet thigh. In Scotland, of course, I'm talking about specifically. Yeah, I know you're talking about Scotland. We haven't changed the subject. I think we should, but anyway. Yeah, I guess I do too.

And a lot of it is like golf-based. They have like such a rich history of golfing. You're just throwing random shit onto your theories. Like you used, it was antiquated clubbing and body language, a club scene. Yeah. And then you turn that into just, people are different because they're wet all the time. They're wet and they talk like, they're like, can I have like a scorched egg? Definitely not a Scottish accent.

Oh, like, I really like that. That's a terrible New Zealand accent. Imagine being on a date basically and like the person's like, oh, sorry, I don't get what you're saying. So I think you think dating in Scotland is different just because people have accents. I feel like that's what it really comes down to. They're accents and they're soaked. They're wet. They're not wet.

And it's gray all the time. So they're not getting the vitamin D. And you've never been to Scotland, is that right? Never been to Scotland, but I watched a documentary about the fire festival. That's so unrelated. I'm just saying if you want to talk about that for a second. I don't. That wasn't a trip.

I don't want to talk about that. That was a fucking trip. You don't know what you're talking about ever. Why would I want to have a conversation with you about anything? It was like this festival and they could figure it out or whatever. I know what it was. What happened? So did you see the documentary or not?

I fell asleep. I was on my phone and my eyes were dry. It was on. I fell asleep. I woke up at four. Okay. Don't yell at me. And I was back at the home screen.

I watched the trailer. Okay. Half asleep through bleary eyes and it looked like someone got taken advantage of. What happened? Why are you getting upset? You're crying. I'm in Scotland. I really am in Scotland.

All right. Next question. I guess. Where were we? Trying to figure out which one we haven't answered yet, you know? Uh-huh. It's tough. Yeah.

I know. All right. Here's a guy. You got one? Yeah. I got one sent from Windows Mail. So what's up with this guy, Bill Gates? All right.

My name is Bill Gates and I'm a junior in high school. I recently had a rather rough conundrum that I need your guys help with. My father owns a landscaping company and during the summer, that's right, during the summer I worked with him to get enough cash to get me through the winter. I'm a landscaper so I go to Wilco Farm Store in my town for supplies, gloves, plants, etc. Because I go there almost every day, I've begun to fall in love with a girl who's a cashier there. Now you're doing a voice of somebody you assume is a landscaper.

I haven't seen her before this last month and I honestly believe she's one of the most beautiful girls I've ever met. We talk on occasion, sometimes at the register or in the parking lot. And when we don't get a chance to talk, I just smile and wave, which she returns. Here's my problem. I really want to get to know this girl. I think I can sense some chemistry between us, but I'm not really sure. On Monday, when I was working in the Wilco parking lot, I saw her pull up in the car

and she asked me if she needed to move. We were spreading bark dust. She didn't want to get her car dirty. I know what car she drives, so today I left a note in her door saying the following. Sure, I may have had bark dust in my eyes, but that didn't stop me from admiring how beautiful you are. Oh no. I also left my email address for her to quote write me back because I didn't want to jump

straight to texting. Did I do something creepy or was that okay? I'm writing this the night of and she hasn't responded yet. How do I get to know her better? Will this be enough? Thanks so much. Love, Bill Gates. Dear, I don't know.

This is one of those things where if it works, it's smooth as hell and if it doesn't, that's the reason she didn't ever talk to you again. He almost took his risk. Usually the advice is like, what should I do to open up a conversation? This guy already did it. He did the scary part. I would have done my number. It's a little more romantic than an email.

It's hard to leave a note. It's putting yourself out there because then you're just staring at your email. What if you see her? It's the biggest risk in the world to leave a note on someone's car. It is scary. I know it's scary, but it's not as scary as saying something. I don't know. I always am afraid to, in person, it's like you're really putting that person on the spot

and they have to answer right away. You're saying like, do you want to go out with me? Oh, that's hard. I mean, totally. Yeah, that's awful. You don't have time to think about it. No, but I mean, there's ways to do it that are more innocuous. You talk about a group hang.

That's cool. Some people from this thing are going to this thing. Me and the guys from the Wilco store, that's where this guy works at, are going to go to this bar afterwards. You should come by and then it's a nice social setting. There's no less pressure. There's no give me your number. There's no give me your, here's my email.

Admiring how beautiful you are. You show up great. And then also, there's thin out like, I can't, and there's a possible romantic continuation with like, I can't, but I want to go to the next one. Here's my number. Right. That kind of, give her like a predate option. I think it's, because for me, I think I'm terrified of rejection too.

So I mean, taking a big swing and leaving a number on a car or fully straight up asking and being like, will you go on a date is a lot. That's why I always tend to do an in-person friendly invite to a social thing. Yeah. And then that's like, getting somebody out of like, your normal routine of talking to them at the register all the time, then you can see if there's actual chemistry if someone's interested. I would say like, do the like, the 2019 way of like, find her on social media, DM, flirt

that way, snapchat. But this guy seems to be like such a, down to earth kind of guy, he's a little landscaper. He's going to a farm store. This girl works at a cash register. It sounds like a 1970s romance or something. Yeah. And the other thing is, this already happened. So there's not really like, we're not giving-

This is what I want to follow a pup. We're giving it, yeah, I want to follow a pup on this guy. Did she email him back or not? And here's what, all right. So here's, here's my opinion on, on what's happened here. Yeah. Okay. You, basically like, flirting is all, it could go either way and, and it can, and romantically

or it can't and like, you'll find out. And basically what he's done is be like, all right, I want to know the answer now. Yeah. It's now it's time. He's biding his time. He's like, it's like a no whammy, no whammy. That's your luck situation. And he's like, you don't want to wait too far cause then it gets too long.

You don't want to start too early. It's about timing it just right. Yeah. So at a certain point he's like, now I want to know now. And he's, I don't, so, and my point is that I don't think him writing this is going to affect the outcome either way. He's sort of like, they were, it was either going to work out no matter what. Yeah.

Or it wasn't ever going to work out no matter what. This act of putting the email on the car doesn't change it. It just gives him the answer sooner and it's a little more painful or joyful. So if you flirt with her for a year and then eventually maybe start dating, you could flirt with her for a year, have it fizzle out and be like, this isn't going to work. Or you can just like height of joy right now. She emails you back and is like, I'm interested in you. Let's hang out cause we're, we're hearing this story from his narration.

So we don't know if she's like, this guy is awesome and he's so cute and I can't wait to see him. Or if it's like this guy who I don't really think about like his one of 40 guys that comes into the store. And it's kind of weird that he asked me out because we didn't really share a connection. And that could, that story could both exist within this framework. We're hearing it from an unreliable narrator. I would imagine it's very different for guys and girls.

Like when I, whenever I was at work, like at a summer job or something, there's like one girl. You're like, this is amazing. Like this, this person here is the most beautiful person in the world. And she probably thinks the same thing about me. Cause it's only us here. But like for girls, it's like, oh, I'm like the one girl here and everyone fucking likes me.

Yeah, that's just sort of how it is for me. And then I went to a different ice cream store and somebody wrote a note on my car there. I have like 80 notes and I can't remember who you are. What was it? Bill? Bill Gates or some shit? Did I ever tell you about the, the girl that scooped ice cream at the Wentworths in my hometown that I was in love with?

No, I was like, let's take a break and you can tell us after. Well, thanks for sponsors and you'll hear the story right after these messages. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the goat father's day gift.

I think it actually is. Yeah. Not just father's day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child.

We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen.

It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo. Yeah. Frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in.

Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like she misheard it or something like that.

Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an Aura.

Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny.

Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame.

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Right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional

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Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lift. Oh, it's a lift. Oh, it's gross. I don't. Maybe. I've still got my love story. Okay.

So let's see if we can glean the advice from how it went down. I'll tell the story and then you can see if there's a moral to it. Got it. Okay. I'm in high school. Pervert. What? Sorry.

We're all in high school. I'm not in a high school. I see. I thought this was like two weeks ago. Yeah. No. All right. So me and my friends are in high school.

There's this ice cream store in Hampton that we used to go to and I, there was a girl that would scoop the ice cream at this store. What's it called? It's called Wentworths. Okay. Great. Old school Hampton staple. Classic.

Classic. Thread at the base of Sleeping Giant. Beautiful. I thought you don't like ice cream. Or is that a recent revelation? During college, I worked in an ice cream store for two and a half years and that ruined ice cream for me. So before that, you're loving ice cream.

I guess I never, yeah. I liked it. I mean, I was never like a fiend for it, but I got to get it. It was good. You would eat it. Yeah. I liked milkshakes. Okay.

And I liked Wentworths because this girl was there. Pervert. And me and my friends would drive to Wentworths all the time, like hoping that she's there. I never, ever had the courage to talk to her, ever. She worked there. She worked there. And then some random thing happened. We were in this...

We took our SATs, like a whole bunch of students in one school and all of the towns kind of took them there. She was there and I almost said something, but I was too afraid. Wow. You saw her out and about Saturday morning at 7.45 a.m. And then I went away to college. I never saw her again until probably six or seven years later. In New York City.

Oh my God. 25 years old. Holy shit. She was working at Grey Dogs. She still works in food services. She still works in food services. But I walked in and I was like, this is insane. Grey Dogs was far too salty for me.

Do you remember the sandwiches there? They were just so salty and the potato chips. I don't know if they handmade them, but it burnt my tongue. You didn't like Grey Dogs? It wasn't for me. It was just... I think they overused the sodium. No way.

You love Grey Dogs. We went to Grey Dogs all the time. I went to fucking placate you. I never once enjoyed myself there. Really? And whether you got the sandwiches, which were too big. They made their own chips. Yeah, they made their own chips.

They were too salty for me. You didn't have to eat the chips. And it's like, you can always go side salad, but then it's like, okay, great. I had fucking... Or just have less chips. A fistful of leaves with my marble rye, pastrami, fucking coleslaw, Russian dressing, salt bomb. I never liked it there.

Anyway, continue. You're in a shitty mood. No. I don't want to tell this. It's like... Is Grey Dogs still there? Yeah, I think so. I mean, jeez.

Christ. It's a great story. You're in a sour mood. Not everyone worked there. Got a fucking heart attack from the blood pressure. Telling like a love story right now. They had good soup. I remember they had a turkey.

You're waxing meatball. You're getting meatball. That was pretty good. You could do half of a sandwich. What's the opposite of poetic? You're waxing Chaotic about that. That's a cool album title. All right, you walk in.

Who were you with when you walked into Grey Dogs? I was with two of my sisters and I recognized her and we talked at the register. I can't remember if she said something or if I said something, but it was like... Eventually, I was used to work at... We must have had a genuine interaction and I was used to work... Did you still live in Hamden? At first, it's accusatory and then it's like, I'll back off a little. Did you used to work at Wentworths?

I wouldn't have said you used to work at Wentworths, right? Grabbing her wrist. Anyway, it was her. She used to work at Wentworths. It was no doubt in your body. And she was like, yeah, and then we talked a little bit. She's like beaming. It was a good flirtation.

She was flattered that you remembered her. But here's the problem. I had a girlfriend at the time who I was getting serious with. And I really just meant it to be a friendly interaction, but you can't have a friendly interaction with somebody like this who you spent all of high school being in love with. Yeah, there's too much buildup. But then she wrote her number down on... Oh my God.

She's like, let me give you my number. She gave me her number on a plate. That's cool. On the paper plate from Grey Dogs. On a ceramic plate. And I sat down with my sisters and they were like, that was Wentworths girl. That was the Wentworths girl. They all knew about her.

They knew about her. And she was famous to you. But then I was like, I can't even have this. It'll ruin my relationship. It already borderline has. I was like absolutely kidding. But I got rid of the plate, got rid of the number. A year later, I'd broken up with the girl I was dating.

You have to get the number. Well, you didn't take a picture on your phone just in case? No, I shouldn't. For a rainy day. I guess that's... Well, now I'm married. No. This is for someone else and I'm happy.

Yeah, but what if she fucking breaks things up? I guess you can... There's always a chance. Just hang on to every number you ever get. Imagine if she cheats on you or something. Yeah, there's not really... Is there a moral? Yeah, you should have kept the number.

For in between, obviously, you're married now happily or whatever the fuck. But as soon as that other relationship ended, you don't want to like... Yeah, never had the number. I never even learned her name. I guess they probably said it on the number, but I can't remember what her first name was now. If you know this person, don't tell Jake. He doesn't need the plate. I don't need to know.

He doesn't need the number. I don't need to know. Pay it forward. So I guess keep the number? Keep the number. Sure. Or don't and you're going to be fine. You'll marry somebody else.

That's right. Because I guess getting the number was the closure you needed. In a way. Better than a relationship. There's no way that anyone, after you idolize somebody for that long, there's no way they can live up to it. That's right. I think that's too hard.

That's too much to ask. You were already giddy. Right. Nobody stays giddy forever. Can you imagine what the first fight with the Wentworth scroll is like? You were late to dinner. You said you were going to be home. You didn't even pick up the wine.

You said you were going to get wine on the way home. Yeah, sorry. I was just like, at SoulCycle, I completely forgot about you. I figured you would still be here because you've pined over me. I was role-playing as her, getting mad at me. I see. But it does make sense that you would assume that I was the asshole in the relationship. All right.

Next question. Sure. That was beautiful, actually. That was almost really beautiful. All right. Who was with you at Wentworth? Because we need the name of a guy who's also spent the last three years having a crush on a girl.

Ooh. Eddie. Eddie writes. So it wasn't girls. What's that? Eddie's a homosexual man. Which is fine. Which is good.

It's fine. It's great. It's awesome. Yeah. Eddie's a man. You remember Eddie? We stayed with him. He was great.

All right. Eddie writes. She's extremely hot, and I have always considered her out of my league. Despite this, I've always kind of had this thing where we would almost get romantic, but then she decided we should just be friends. Well, we graduated high school, and everyone goes to all these graduation parties, and it turns out she finally likes me enough to go for something. We made out at her party, and it was her first kiss.

Then we made out at subsequent parties. The dilemma is, now she is leaving for this crazy summer college program. She's going to be gone for six weeks, then be back for a week before I have to go to school. Now, at any point in the last three years, I would have died to be in a relationship with her, but the timing is just, I don't know, do you think it's a bad idea to get in this relationship with her even though we are going to different schools across the state?

I'm not going to be coy with you guys. This chica is amazing. I'm talking Moe Caliente. She's an absolute dime, and I'm blown away that she feels the same way for me as I do for her. Not to sound like a diva roach here, but is there any way that we can at least continue to make out for the week we would still have together? I don't want to have to do anything that would hurt her, appreciate any feedback you

can give. This guy actually started making out with his went worse girl. Yeah. Wow. I can't even imagine. Now, she's going to be gone for six weeks and back for a week before he has to go to school. There's really not a lot of time.

There's something in between nothing and a long-distance relationship. Yeah. It's hanging out every time you guys are in the same relationship. Yeah. It's just staying in touch, and she's not going to come back into town and have someone else to make out with. No. Nothing's changed.

You're still number one to her, but it doesn't necessarily mean you are the only one to her. Right. I think it's still solid as long as when you guys are both back home, you're making out. That's great. Yeah. Because she can make out with people while she's away.

You can make out with people while you're away, but then you're back home, boom. You're the ones making out because there's not anybody else that you usually make out with around. Do you think the default is that you can make out with other people until you have a conversation about it, or the default is you have to be exclusive unless you have a talk that says we're not exclusive? I think it's all case by case, but I think generally you can make out with other. If you've only made out at a bunch of parties, there's no fucking rule around that.

God, how amazing and yet terrible the timing of it all. Yeah. It's really, I mean, it's, you also should just be like, just chalk this one up as a win, like an unequivocal good thing that happened. Everybody is so quick to be like, all right, I love this girl forever. We made out. It was great, but now you love this girl forever and you made out and that's great. And there's no but now.

Just awesome. You did it. Enjoy the ride. Congrats, bud. All right. Oh, this is one from, I believe a lady in Australia, an Australian lady. Margot Robbie. That's cool.

I think Margot Robbie is my new Wentworths girl. So you think that you'll see her, but no, I think I'll idolize her from afar and never talk to her. Got it. Margot Robbie writes, love the show. You guys are awesome. I recently downloaded Tinder and need some advice. There's this one guy that I'm really interested in, but he hasn't messaged me yet.

How acceptable is it for me to message him first? What can I say to let him know that I'm interested without coming across as a weirdo? Also I need a funny bio. Help. Hmm. Okay. Why doesn't this lady download Bumble, which is like forces you to make the first move. That's true.

I also, I mean, definitely just send the first message. It doesn't even have to be good. Yeah. That can be completely acceptable. You can let him, since you're a girl, you don't have to have anything locked and loaded that's exceptionally clever without coming across as a weirdo. Right. I think that even an emoji, any, literally any emoji.

Yeah. A wave. That's all you need. It's kind of nice. I mean, everything else sucks about being on the apps when you're a girl. But one nice thing that you should totally just rest easy with is that your opening message doesn't have to be shit. Yeah.

Like you're going to deal with a lot of terrible shit and I would definitely rather be a guy on a girl than the apps. But one nice thing, you don't have to give a fuck about your opening message. It really doesn't matter. Anything we'll do. Clever bio for a girl. Um, I haven't seen a good bio in a while since we're off the apps. Yeah, it's true.

I usually go with I'm taller in real life, but I don't know if that is good. Oh, I get my brothers is if you're under 6 11 swipe left. That's pretty good. Yeah. She could just use that one. That might actually come across as real for that is the problem. I guess it could say if you're over five, if you're over five feet swipe left, if you're over four foot six swipe right.

The thing is guys, some guys will by default swipe right on every single female. Yeah, that's true. So it's like telling people you can joke about swiping swiping left. I think you can go if you're over 6 11 swipe left. Now, what was it? If you're under, if you're under 6 11 swipe left, yeah, you can almost beg people to swipe left and it still wouldn't matter. That's true.

Um, all right. We have actually one last question from a guy who's had a crush on a girl for a while. So maybe that's the theme of this episode. Nice. Who's another guy that you went to ice cream with? Um, Matt. Matt writes, um, my name is Matt and I'm 21. There's this girl I've liked since 10th grade and we've been talking more and more

lately. The problem is she told me she only dates black guys. We're both white. Anyway, I want to know how to get this girl to like me back, but by the way, she's a solid nine out of 10 and I'm probably a two. I'm six foot six, 400 pounds of not much muscle. I don't know if that could possibly be true. Please help me.

I'm not sure how much longer I could be the guy friend with nothing in return. Is it possible that he's six foot six, 400? Yeah, of course it's possible. That's a huge man. He should be playing college football. Maybe he is. That's cool. This guy's the starting right tackle for the Green Bay Packers.

And he still can't get fucking laid. Um, well, if you're, regardless of what you look like and if you look like, can you change someone's mind about who they date? I don't think you can. No. No, you can't. Yeah. Whether it's, I only date black guys or only date these guys or only date that guys or

everybody has rules. Or I date everybody, but I don't want to date you. That's right. You can't change somebody's mind. Oh. All you can do is again, just be good, actively nice and happy in her presence. I'm not saying that people's minds don't change, but they can't change. And there's like, there are ways to like, um, encourage people to change their mind, but

none of them involve trying to convince them to change their mind. Right. All you can do is be the best version of yourself and hope that they notice. All right. That was a quickie. So let's get to one last question from a lady we'll call the Wentworths girl. Oh my God. That's right.

We got to answer as many questions as possible to make up for last week. Right. Hey guys, I'm about to leave for college and I was looking for a fuck buddy to fill the time before I leave. Me and this kid I go to school with used to hook up and we've recently started doing it again, which has been amazing. But the past three times he was supposedly, uh, supposed to come over when I was home alone.

He's bailed on me. His reasons are always really obscure and he always says that he can't come about two minutes before he's supposed to come over. Should I end it with him? Should I stop talking to him for a while and make him want me again? Is it possible that he suddenly finds me unattractive? Love the podcast, but need your advice. Uh, who knows what he's going through, but it's definitely not worth the bullshit of

like trying to schedule with him. Yeah. You never want to block off time for a guy that blows you off two minutes before. And like, since you're not looking for anything that serious and you don't really like him, totally fuck this guy. Yeah. But like, I like the idea of distancing herself and wait till he decides to make a move. Yeah, that's good.

I think he's sort of, he's like a guy who does a little more like, I'll cancel an hour before she sees if she's mad. All right. Cancel five minutes before. Oh, she still wants to hang out. Two minutes before. He really doesn't think that highly of you that you keep coming back and still want to hang out.

Definitely. I, it's really discourteous to cancel right before. Yeah. Even if it's a lunch date, you don't want to do that. I mean, the person was already fully mentally prepared. Yeah, definitely. It's hard to do anything in the world, but like the fact that you got geared up, even if it's staying at home, but like mentally excited to see somebody and have it just like

go away instantly. Yeah. What do you do with your time now? I guess I'll watch Netflix and Krill. That's a, it's a documentary about sea, seer, whale food is Krill seafood or whale food. Krill is fish, right? I know. Well, eat them Krill, net fish and Krill oil, superba.

That's right. Krill are small crustaceans in the order of Euphanesia that are found in the world's ocean. The same Krill comes from a new Norwegian word Krill, which means small fry of fish. So Netflix and Krill to finish my joke is watching a documentary about small crustaceans. Fair enough. All right. That's it.

That's our time. Thanks so much for writing in. If you have your own questions, if I were you show at gmail.com, if you have your own theme songs, same email address, it's all the same. If I were you show at gmail.com, the opening theme song was that one written by the blue grass. Why can't I remember their name? Blue grass singer, Cam from the No Good Redwood Ramblers.

This closing one is another lady, Jem Steller, is this another band? Theme song submissions, I know Michael Bolton. He's super famous. And I have zero music experience, but this was fun to make. Check out my non, me doing non-musical things at its really Jasmine. So thanks Jasmine. Thank you. And thanks Cam.

And thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back of course next week. Remember to follow me on Instagram. Of course. I'm just a little bit fucked at the minute I don't know where I should begin I, I lost my dog quit my job fuck my boss and I'm not sure if my penis is the right size I'm feeling lost down on my luck maybe I should just go and kill myself in a starbucks my tinder date didn't go so hot not sure if I'm a chipmunk or not but here I am what can I hide?

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