If I Were You - 397: Cryotherapy

Episode Date: August 26, 2019

In this episode Jake takes control as we discuss bad sex, bad friends, and good olympians.For more IF I WERE YOU, check out our Bonus Thursday Video Episodes on our Patreon.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. If I were you the podcast baby, if I were you the podcast baby starts now. Epic. I love it. Epic too. Same. Because we love wheatus. Do they have any other songs but Teenage Dirtbag, baby?

They didn't need one. They could release that a million times and it would be my favorite band. You guys, that is from Shane Cameron, day one fan and Patreon subscriber. This is my band, Strong Persuaders, which is a parody of Teenage Dirtbag by wheatus. We know. He says, if you end up using the song, it'd be awesome if you plugged our album, Songs from Last Night, available on Apple Music and Spotify. Check out Strong Persuaders and their album, Songs from Last Night.

Check them out. I usually read that emails that come in and I take the lead on that. What's happening now? Because I feel like your watch has ended as it were. I feel like you've been phoning it in almost since episode one, frankly. I've been phoning it in for six years. I've been phoning it in. What do you know is my maximum effort, if you think I've been phoning it in for the

entire run? I don't know what your maximum effort is but I can tell you that you haven't even come close to reaching it. I'm going to take over. I'm going to take charge here as the host. You'd pass the mantle to moi. I'll be hosting this episode. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to, if I were you, the only advice podcast on the internet

hosted by me, Jay Kerwitz. And me, Ebamir. All right. Nice. That was pitch-perfect. I think it's a little low energy but I feel like it's already... Because you're the host doesn't mean you should be giving me notes throughout. I'm not going to give you any more live critiques.

I won't give you any more live critiques. I just wanted to flag an issue that felt a little low energy. Okay. Flag it. It's actually, it's not a big deal because I feel like this podcast right now is already leaps and bounds better than any other one that we've done. Just three minutes from a pure hosting standpoint. I think it's a really strong episode.

So, despite your best effort, you little bitch, you won't be able to ruin it. Oh my God. You think I'm trying to sabotage this? I like that you did a little bit more work. If anything, it's freeing me up to be a little funnier. Should we get right into it then? Why are you asking me? I just like to keep the show moving along, is all.

I prefer to keep the show moving. So, do it. Move it. Don't say you prefer to keep it moving. Actually move it. Saying that you prefer to keep the show moving along, humming along, doesn't actually keep it moving. I want there to be a little bit of less of a like a, like a, he said, he said thing and more of just like a yes, if you could yes and me.

Sure. That would help me host. Yeah. Because hosting is actually pretty fucking hard. Okay. I know. Yes, I know. We're almost that episode 400 and I've kind of taken the reins on all of them.

So, don't tell me how. Well, it's actually a little difficult. So, if you could work with me, that'd be really freaking helpful. By the way, if it's hard for you so far, then maybe it's a little bit too much for you. It's not hard for me. It's not hard at all. I'm just in over my head. Yeah.

It sounds like it's hard. Okay. Well, I had to find a freaking theme. Oh, shoot. I had to find a theme song and the questions. Okay. Okay. So, and now if the least you could fucking do is come up with a name for a lady.

Okay. A lady name. A lady name. Okay. Let's call this lady, lady, like from Lady and the Tramp. Okay. That was, it's a little, it's a little lazy, but fine. That's good.

That's great. Fine. Fucking Amelia Earhart. Nice. That's a historical reference. Can we do something with more of a pun? A pun off what? I don't fucking know.

A pun off what? I don't know. I'm, I'm trying to host. I'm trying to keep the show moving. Fine. I just need you to, okay? A punzel. A pun on the word pun.

That was actually fucking epic and I really appreciate it. When you're mad and when you're happy, you display the same level of angst. Like calm down. I am calm. I'm just a little nervous to be hosting is all. Let's say I am happy. I'm just a little angry. I am calm.

I'm just a little nervous. You're not calm and you're not happy then. You're nervous and you're angry. Look, listen, I'm good. Okay. I'm freaking out just a little because I've never hosted before and I want to do a good job. All right.

But I'm fine. I'm just having a little bit of a meltdown on the day. Oh God. Okay. Another panic attack. Oh God. All right. Rapunzel writes.

You're vibrating. Dear, that's right. Dear Ace and Jocelyn. Recently, I went on a great first date with this guy I met on hinge. He's 26, hot and confident. We ate lobster fries and talked for hours about a good mix of personal and stupid shit. Needless to say, I felt very connected to him. So after a few drinks and some kissing, we went back to his place.

Unfortunately, the sex was really bad. Feels free to skip the details. I will not be skipping the details, but I just want to clarify that this is not a case of mismatch preferences. Here's a couple of bullet points for what this gentleman did wrong. Yeah. I'm just curious what the bad sex is. I've never had it, so it'd be interesting to hear what a chew says it is.

Okay. But you might be having bad sex if he didn't know what a clit is and kept sticking his tongue in my vagina. Okay. He had no rhythm or fluid motion like he would go from a slow jog to a sprint and back every 10 seconds. When I got on top to take control, he kept shoving his hips up randomly, almost throwing me off each time.

Huh. Usually, yeah. Usually, I'm really honest with the person about why I don't want to go on a second date. So, should I tell this guy the only reason I don't want to see him again is his terrible sexual performance? He's 26 and attractive, so I feel like someone should tell him what he's doing wrong. Otherwise, this will just keep happening to other women. He's already hit me up twice, but I stalled by telling him I have strep throat.

Koff Koff, thanks for your help. Rapunzel. Oh, interesting. I never thought of sex so much as a rhythm dancing thing. Maybe that's why dancing well is such an aphrodisiac. I see. Like, if you can dance well, you have good rhythm, and then it exudes sexual confidence because it's sort of the same skill set.

This is like a verbatim line from Lonely and Horny Season 2, where I think I say, if you can move... Oh, no, Jeffrey James says it. If you can move on the dance floor, you can move in the bedroom. That's right. That is correct. It does seem kind of like that, but it almost... Having good rhythm and moves is one thing, but just having no rhythm in sex almost feels

like another, doesn't it? Yeah, but I guess it's all under the same umbrella of movement and rhythm and cadence. It's like knowing when and when you're doing it with a partner adjusting accordingly. Right. It's about doing things on a beat or keeping good time. It's more about reading social cues, and if you're jackhammering, that's not necessarily good to go jackhammer and then slow it down, jackhammer, slow it down. Yeah.

If it's not dancing, then what is the best indicator of sexual performance? I feel like... I don't know. Is it SAT score? It's obviously not SAT score, and you only asked because I know you got a perfect math. I mean, if you think about it, if you know geometry, you know sex. If it was SAT score related, it would absolutely be likened to verbal, I think. If anything, it's an inverse relationship.

That's possible too. I wonder, if you can dance well, that's a good harbinger. If you're funny, that's probably good. Improv? I think so. Because timing. It's weird because she said she had a good conversation, and they had a connection, which I would feel like is also really important just in terms of you get a sense of if something's

going well or not, being able to read the room. Yeah. Right. Yes, exactly. It's like performing slash rhythm. It is very performative. For an audience of one, or if you're lucky, 10, or if you're really lucky, a thousand-person orgy style venue.

I think it almost starts to have diminishing returns at that point. Yeah. What do you do when you nut and you're in the middle of a thousand-person orgy? You have to like leave. You have to excuse yourself. Back of the train with me. I have to get to the bathroom, and everyone's sucking and fucking in front of me. I'm slipping and sliding on the cum.

I can't even get my fucking bearings straight. Stop groping me for a moment. I have to get a cum rag. Can we 86 the strobe lights? This orgy is disorienting. The real question, aside from how do you know if you're bad at sex, is should she tell this guy that she doesn't want to see him because the sex was bad? Yeah.

I mean, she doesn't have to give him an excuse. She could just say, hey, I don't think we should see each other anymore. I just didn't think we clicked. The question is, does she then go above and beyond and say, by the way, going forward, I can save you a lot of heartache by telling you this honest little nugget? Yeah. It would be a selfless thing. That's the weird thing, that it's like she's doing a service to future women.

If she's like, you're bad at sex, you should work on it. But I also wonder if it's like too mean. Yeah. If anything, she's doing a service to future women. That was a good pun, but it wasn't any advice. So you're going to have to really step it up here. Okay. Here's the actual advice.

If you want to give him the advice, but have it not seem like it came from you, you wait a year and then write him an anonymous email or note. I would hate to get something like that. By the way, you don't know who I am, but we had sex sometime in the last decade. That's right. You keep it vague. That way, he doesn't blame you, but he takes your notes to heart. I think if you're worried about hurting his feelings, that would probably hurt them the

max. Oh, more so than by the way. I'm not interested and this is why coming from me. Yeah. Because if somebody says that, like if he's hell bent on not letting this get to him, he could be like, oh, like that, we just, we didn't click sexually, but I'm still good. Not like, you'll have him questioning his entire last 10 years of having sex if you're doing it anonymously.

I feel like that's giving him way too much of a complex. Yeah. Which, I mean, he might not be untrue. Like it does take two to tango. Having rhythm with a partner can't entirely be on one person. These three bullet points all sound pretty bad, especially the sort of like random hip dry rating, but depending on like who you're having sex with, there are people that might prefer it.

Right. Yeah. Not knowing what a clitoris is isn't good. Well, it's not like he doesn't. I'm sure he knows. He just, I guess he ignored it. Maybe he knew and didn't care. He felt like vaginal penetration with his tongue was the key.

So would you, I guess as the guy, would you want to hear this? Would it be, you wouldn't want to hear it, but would it be overall good for you? Yeah. I don't know. Cause I've definitely had bad sex before and like known it was my fault. There's a, there's a decent chance that he was like, man, I, I didn't do a good job that time. Yeah.

So I think that that's possible. I would, I feel like, is it crazy to say that it's really rare to meet people you like on the dating apps and even though the sex was bad, it might be worth like learning somebody's rhythm and like working with them. Like the best way to make him better at sex is that you guys keep having sex. So like if you like him a little bit and you want him to get better at sex, you guys continue having sex and you can shape him to your ideal sexual partner or just cut and run, say this strep throat killed you and never talk to him again.

That's, that would be my advice. I think I'm too far gone and this strep throat, it's taken my entire body. By the way, I think I got it from you. Bye. You should learn. What a clitoris is. Thank you Rapunzel. Let's go on to our next question.

Okay. Amir, I am going to need a ladies name. A ladies name. Yes. Another lady. Um, another woman will call her. I'm going to need you to like, do you know what I mean? Cause like when I say I need a name, you got to hit me with a name because otherwise it's

like, I feel like this, we're walking on a tightrope in a way, just trains on the tracks and it's teetering and it's like anything, any little slow bump, any time that we spend discussing and dissecting this episode. Just hold on one second. Cause I just want you to know that like delaying it by not being able to come up with a name Jasmine. Actually really Jasmine. That's perfect.

I was just going to say it. It fucks me a little bit. You don't have to say anything cause I already gave you the name. All right. We'll use, we're going to use Jasmine. Um, but I just want you to know moving forward that I need that name like, don't need to narrate. So why don't you host?

You don't have to narrate. I'll edit this part out. Okay. You won't, you're not editing. I'm still going to edit. All right. Well, fine. You'll edit this part out.

Just, I'm just saying, you might be hoover us. I want everybody to know exactly what it was like dealing with this. Leave it in. Fine. Okay. Leave it in. Okay. I don't give a shit, but just come up with three more names just in case we get to more

questions. So you like hit me with them right away. Cause there's a lot resting on the shoulders of the host. I don't think so. And I feel like, I feel like I'm going to crash and burn if you don't help me out just a little bit. All right. All right.

You guys ready? Yeah. Jasmine writes, Hi guys, long time listener who really wants to go to a live show in San Francisco. Hmm. That's actually a good idea. Yeah. I'll get to the point.

My dad got diagnosed with stage four stomach cancer a couple of months ago. All this was of course, although this was of course not great news to receive things were going relatively okay and that we had a plan for him to go to chemotherapy and then get surgery if he's eligible after the chemo. This is where the story really gets fucked. He has an idiot friend from France who's made a lot of money on bullshit nutrient supplements. This idiot started emailing him that chemo is killing him and that he should not get the surgery parentheses.

His only real chance of survival, but instead of going, but instead go on a ketogenic diet to cure his cancer. We didn't expect this, but my dad drunk the Kool-Aid. Him and my mom, a licensed physician, have been fighting constantly as she knows that a diet will not cure his cancer and his stupid friend is preying on an ill person. My dad for some reason will not listen to her, me, or his other smart caring friends that agree with us. Do you have any advice on what we should do or how we could possibly convince him is having

cancer and excuse to be a total dick to the people who love you and are trying to help? Sorry for the long email. Thanks for listening. Todah Jasmine. Jeez. This one's serious. When I host, I get fucking dark. I get deep.

She actually needs help. Yeah. It seems like, well, just to answer the, does it give you, what is it, excuse to be a total dick? I mean, having cancer is difficult, so it stands to reason that you'll be a little bit short with people because you're dealing with your own shit. Right. So it is difficult.

Does it give you an excuse to be a dick? Let's say yes. Let's say it does. That's it. Yeah. Even though he's allowed to be a dick, he's your dad. You're allowed to give a lot of a shit about this. So I would say that even though it's hard and you're fighting a lot, pedal to the metal

100%, do not give up because the alternative is that your dad dies from going Keto and you wish that you did more. Yeah, it seems like he's maybe afraid of getting chemo and he's like, oh, this seems like a fine out. I can just not eat pasta. Mm. Yeah. That was easy.

You could maybe convince him to go to a therapist because then you're like, I'm not going to convince you to do any chemo, just I'm going to convince you to seek more opinions. Yeah. Although it seems like every single person, I want to say have an intervention, but it seems like they already have had one in various stages, just not everybody at the same time. Yeah. But maybe therapy is a helpful one because right now the choice is chemo or Keto and those are the two things that he's deciding between, but give him one like therapy, which goes

with both chemo and Keto and might be able to get to the root of why he doesn't want to do the chemo. Yeah, which is probably fear. And you could also go hack into his email and just set up a filter for this Frenchman's email address so they can't communicate anymore. Yeah. If this dad is anything like my dad, it should be easy. I'll have carte blanche access to all of his passwords.

He'll text me saying he can't log into his mail saying he has to set it up or change it on his profile. He can't log into his mail saying he has to set it up or change it on his computer, his phone. I have more access to his email than he does. So this should be an issue. It's really interesting because your dad is a really smart guy. Do you think he doesn't get technology because he doesn't care?

He doesn't want to? Yeah. It's like he's already done learning all the shit. He's a physician. He knows how to deliver a baby. He doesn't also need to deal with, all right, I forgot my password and now it has to be the specific kind of 12-digit alphanumeric. Oh, you didn't do a special character and he's like, that's, I think I'm done.

Amir, you do my password. Email it to me and then I'll write it on a frickin' sticky and put it on my computer monitor. And then I'll deliver a baby after that. You think your dad's going to deliver my children? Not unless you're willing to move back to Los Angeles and see him in Santa Monica. That's possible. Anything's in play to see Dr. Blumentfeld.

That would be a really beautiful thing. It could be an honor. Anyway, that is the- Name her Jasmine. Yeah, I should. All right, that is the first half of our show. We're going to go to break. We'll be right back.

Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech-savvy family member that you

need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma.

Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great, really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo.

Yeah. Frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma. She was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice, asshole.

This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like she misheard it or something like that, or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant.

Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. She told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you.

The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something that could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah.

Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that. Yeah. That's a great gift. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift.

And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit AuraFrames. That's A-U-R-A-Frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th.

So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's AuraFrames. A-U-R-A-Frames.com. Okay. Go get your parents something, all right? And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on.

Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult situation. It's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable

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extra affordable. That's betterhelp.com slash if I were you. Check him out. Thanks, BetterHelp. And we're back. Amir, do you have any? Oh, it's a lift. Oh, it's a lift.

Oh, it's a lift. Oh, it's a lift. Oh, it's a lift. Oh, it's a lift. Oh, it's a lift. Oh, it's a lift. Oh, it's a lift. Oh, it's a lift.

Oh, it's a lift. Oh, it's a lift. It's a lift. Oh, I don't, but I did see recently that you did cryotherapy. Oh, yes, that's where I went into a hyperbaric chamber and cried my eyes out, right? Yeah, so what urged you and what was it good or was it like one of those snake oil salesman things where it didn't actually do anything? So I'll tell you what happened.

It had never occurred to me to do cryotherapy. It was a birthday gift and it was a surprise birthday gift from my brother. It seems like a good gift because you're always into like new medical schemes and dreams. Yeah, I'm always down to see if some weird, weird new therapy will heal my chronic foot pain. That's, I'm game for that shit. Yeah. Wait, real quick, what is cryotherapy for those of you who don't know?

Okay, I mean, I barely know, but you basically climb into a tube that they make really, really cold with, is it nitrogen? I think it's nitrogen. Yeah, dry ice or something. Yeah, it's some, whatever it is, the temperature goes down to like negative 200 degrees Fahrenheit. You're in there for three minutes, super cold and it's supposed to like help fight off random diseases, but it also helps with pain and inflammation. That was the reason that I went in there.

Okay. And yeah, they, so you wear gloves, you wear socks and slippers and you're underwear and aside from that, you're in nothing. So your legs are bare, your chest is bare, arms are bare, back's bare. You get into a container that sort of, it's like a standing up tanning bed where your head is poking out the top and then they just let a rip. It starts to get cold. You feel like, oh, I just jumped out of the ocean and there's a breeze.

And then you're like, I just jumped out of a frozen lake and there's a bluster. And then right by the end, you're like, this is, this is too cold. I feel like I'm in pain, but then it's, by then it's only like 20 seconds left. So you sort of just like tough it out. So it's almost like a frog in boiling water. You don't get it and it's instantly the coldest you've ever been. It gets colder and colder and colder. Right.

And it's only three minutes. So you really can, you can like mind over matter. You can, you can do it. I was also in the room with Jill and Micah. So it was kind of funny. They were like distracting me. You got it. But it did.

I mean, it was, it, I'm not sure if it like felt really great after because it almost feels like, you know, going skydiving or something. You did something that was so far out of your comfort zone and you lived. So you're like a little euphoric. But also I didn't have a foot or I've been having like random pain in my hands a little bit lately too. And it was, all my pain was gone for the day. So wait, what is your hand pain?

I don't fucking know, man. I really don't. You're dying. I think so. Do you still have hand pain? Yes. Yeah, I do. But it's not too bad.

Is it joints? Is it wrist? Is it the palm? It's joints. And I guess it almost feels like I have arthritis or something like gripping. I can't make a really tight fist. Got it. I think like it started hurting.

I think when I was like riding my bike too much, it almost seemed like I was gripping my handlebars too tight and they were just sore from that. I see. And then like going rock climbing. It hasn't like allowed them to heal, but I think it'll be fine. It's not too bad. Okay. I appreciate your concern.

So overall, are you digging the cryo? Do you prefer it? Do you, is it, what am I trying to say? Do you suggest? No. Do you recommend it? Do you recommend it? This is why I'm the fucking most man.

I'll actually delete that part out. I would say that I recommend it at least once. I don't know if I'm going to keep on doing it because I actually, since it was a gift, I also have no idea how much it costs. If it was like more than $50, I don't think I would do it again. But it does seem, it seems like a kind of fun thing to do, like almost in the way that like getting a manicure or a pedicure before you go on vacation. Like I would, I would totally do this.

I did this on my birthday to like feel really, really good throughout the day of my, of my big party. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, it's almost like a massage or a sauna, but in reverse. Yeah. Would you, would you ever try?

I guess I would try it, but it doesn't, I wonder if it actually does anything. It's, yeah. I don't know. I'd only be pseudoscience, but Tom Brady does it. So. And he's chiseled his shit. Yeah. And he's a Super Bowl winner.

And his hands probably don't hurt. Maybe they do. You really never know. Yeah. It kind of makes you, it shows you how impressive Tom Brady is at age 42 still playing NFL football. I know. Cause then I, it's, it's crazy. And I like ride my bike over the Williamsburg Bridge and I have to take two weeks off.

Because you're a hands. Yeah. All right. That is the unsolicited advice. Let's get right back into this show. Amir hit me with another girl's name. Well, another girl's name. This is ladies choice, baby.

And are you like stalling? Cause I told you just have these names ready to go. And I feel like you maybe just were like, Oh, a girl's name because you weren't thinking of one. Moana. Great. All right. Moana writes, Hey Jake.

Hi Amir. So I've been, uh, so I've had a running problem with guys my whole life. Not that they don't like me, but as soon as I get into a relationship, they leave me for someone who is either mean or hardcore. I've had three out of three relationships in this way. The first two both broke up with me for my friend. So I know exactly how she flirted because she showed me the texts. She would flat out insult them.

Not in the flirty teasing way, but she would pick out their insecurities. One guy, one of my exes asked her out and she laughed in his face and told him he was far too short. This is how she does it. I don't get it. She has told me I need to start doing the same because guys like to feel frustrated, which I get, but when I like someone, I like to make them feel really good. I've always pictured myself in a relationship where we are so comfortable.

We don't need to play games like that. Should I start bitchy, bitchy teasing or continue being sweet in the hopes the right partner comes along? Thanks a million Moana. You have to be a bitchy tease, whether that's you being yourself or not. The end game, the goal of dating is that everyone is just becomes a nasty version of themselves until we all die. All that shit about.

So like in an ideal world. In an ideal world, everyone's breaking up with everyone for someone else who's been mean to them and they are really upset and mad and then someone else is even meaner and they're like, oh, you make me even sadder. I should be with you, et cetera, ad infinitum. Yeah, meaner, madder, greener, sadder. Everyone's recycling but bummed because at the end of the day, they're all getting teased about their short cuttings, Cummings, their insecurities.

If they're shorter than average, that will be brought up. If their teeth aren't straight, that won't be good to them. Thin hair, do care, constantly scare. Why are you bad? In any regard. In any regard. Did you notice that she's had three of her relationships and this way and two of them, her friends stole?

Like doesn't it almost seem like you don't have to be a bitch to guys. You have to not be friends with this lady who keeps on stealing your boyfriends. They like bad bitches. That's their fucking problem. That is a fucking problem. But this is crazy. And this friend was like, she showed me the text and she said he was too short. She was flirting with your boyfriends.

I think sweet people attract sweet mates. I've seen couples where I'm like, oh, both of these people are very sweet. They probably didn't play any nasty mean games to each other. And then you see couples that are both too cool for school constantly ribbing and being sarcastic because they were also themselves and they created a situation where they attracted the other type of person. Yes. The best thing you can do is be yourself because I think even if you're not mean and you try

to be mean to like get someone to like you, it's not going to be authentic. Also, definitely stop being friends with this friend of yours. She's not a friend. You know what? She's such a nasty bee that she's not only attracting guys, but this lady, it's working for you. What do you wait? What do you mean?

That's right. Oh, like I'm saying that Moana is even falling into her trap. I see. Yes. Yes. She's mean. It's right. She's not just mean to your exes.

She's mean to everyone. Most of all, you. And for some reason, she's your best friend. This is like that thing, the game. Do you think there's any honesty and truth to this theory that negging makes people into you? I mean, there must be. I know it works on me.

So it's definitely possible, but you like when ladies are mean to you and they flirt with you, not, not like fully mean, but I think that like, uh, you know, having, having to win someone over is definitely a fun part of the game. Uh, yeah. But do they win you over by being? I really depends because I've definitely had people who try to be mean to me and I'm just like, I don't have time for this. I don't care.

I guess actually it's probably less about the actual attitude and more about the person. Like if I like somebody just based on their physical appearance, they could be mean to me and I would be like, that's fine. And then if I don't like someone off the bat, I don't feel chemistry and they're mean to me. That doesn't, that wouldn't change anything. Yeah. There's also an idea that maybe negging and stuff attracts people short term, but not

for the long haul. And it seems like you're more interested in the long, right? If you're, she, she says, I've always pictured myself in a relationship where we're comfortable and we don't need to play games. That's like, then don't try to play games because then you'll just be with someone who likes games. That's right. If you, if you want to play games, you'll attract a player.

That's very true. So take our advice Moana. Let's read our final question, which comes from a guy no longer ladies choice. My perfect game is over. Oh, okay. A dude will call Al-Adeen. Why? Oh, I see.

I see. Very nice. Um, Al-Adeen writes Shalom. I love the show. Jake and Amir lonely and horny and the podcast network. Thanks bra. Here's my problem. Me and my girlfriend met on Tinder and had been going out for three months.

However, recently we both picked up an extra shift at work and our days off rarely line up. If they do, we're too tired to actually want to do something. We don't talk as much. And when we do, it feels like I'm making the effort. A few days ago, a girl I made out with in college posted a video of her ribbon dancing on Instagram. Hot.

Yeah. We stayed friendly after college, but haven't spoken in the last two years. We also live in different cities and a quick Facebook check showed me she just started dating a guy a month ago. But that ribbon dancing video, she looked so hot. I couldn't not message her. So we get the chatting and our conversation is a rapid back and forth. Not fun, flirty, but innocent texting about where we are in life and what's going on

kind of thing. And eventually the conversation ends up at strip clubs. She says she would be interested in seeing a male strip show and I impulsively tell her that if she ever comes out West that we should go to the magic Mike show in Vegas. She thinks this is a great idea and we talk a little bit more before she goes to sleep. I have a girlfriend. She has a boyfriend. Can a guy and a girl go to Vegas together as friends?

Did I really do this or am I asking for trouble? I want to go, but also recognize it might be a huge mistake, but I also want to go. I know if I go and we get drunk, I will try something. I might act like I won't, but deep down I know. So I'm not going to try and lie to you. Toda Al-Adine. Yeah. I think if you're in a relationship, you can't get drunk and go to Vegas and then go to a

strip show with a member of the opposite sex that you made out with in college and still have a crush on and think is hot due to a rhythmic gymnastics video. I would agree with that. I also love the sentence, I want to go, but also recognize it might be a huge mistake, but I also want to go. It sounds like that's two votes for going. It's just a run of I want to go is with a tiny little this is a bad idea in the middle. No.

Yeah, go ahead. It opens with a this is why I mean my girlfriend don't really make sense if you think about it. Yeah, I would say regardless, I mean, you might as well not cheat on your girlfriend because it sounds like you guys should break up with or without this ribbon dancing thing. Yeah, between like she has to pick up an extra shift at work and it's just like the most boring mundane shitty relationship stuff. And then it's like, but this other chick, what does rhythmic gymnastics and wants to

party in Vegas with me? By the way, not rhythmic gymnastics. It's ribbon dancing. Okay. Isn't that the same shit? I don't fucking know, dude. I don't think so. Ribbon dancing doesn't sound like it's as hard.

I don't know for a fact, but I but I do pretty much pretty much know for a fact that I would be good at ribbon dancing. Really? Like what do you have to do? You just it's all the ribbon. You're saying anybody can ribbon dance well because the ribbon is cheating. Show me a good dancer sands ribbon. Yeah.

Rhythmic gymnastics is actually hard. Ribbon dance. That's like, let me, I'm just going to search ribbon dancing very quickly. I think rhythmic gymnastics is like the ribbon, but also a ball. Oh, I see. You got the, you got the ribbon. You got the ball. Interesting.

I looked up ribbon dancing and on the, on the side from Wikipedia, it says ribbon and then rhythmic gymnastics. So maybe they are related. Okay. So how about this question for you? If you were a single man and somebody is like, I want to set you up with a friend of mine who's an Olympic athlete. What do you think the hottest Olympic event would be for that person to compete in?

Like what are you hoping for at that point? What do you remember when I went on the date with the Olympian? Oh, right. The winter Olympian, right? Yeah. No more specifics. Knock it off. Wasn't she a loser?

Quit it. Quit it. That's enough. Oh, you know, no, she did a biathlon, right? She, what's the one where you do the skiing and shoot it? Yeah, that was her biathlon. That was biathlon. All right.

Yeah. Yeah. That's biathlon. She was a biatholist. Yeah. I would probably hope for, oh, I mean, God, they're all so gorgeous. Track and field. Oh, really?

You just want to fucking sprint her? Yeah. Strong legs. Damn. Too late. You got to fucking shot put her. Fine. It's Steven Adams sister.

She's six, five, two, 40 and can throw you the length of a football field. Honestly, great. I don't care who you are. You're strong and fucking powerful. Crush me, please. What about a diver? High dive. That'd be great too.

There's truly no, no, no Olympian that I wouldn't be in love with just like based entirely on the fact that they might have been around Michael Phelps once. What about dressage? So it's not quite horse racing. You're just sort of riding a horse as it does interesting leans and jumps. Yeah. I guess I would be pretty fine. Who's your favorite dressageist?

Probably Alyssa Milano from Canada. Really? Why? Are you nodding to her? No, I think that like she's pretty cool, but I prefer, I can't find one. Sorry. Yeah. And not like in my Wi-Fi doesn't work.

I think in like a doesn't exist. They're all, no, they're all, they're just like all too good. They're all, they're all tied for first. What's yours? Sport that I want someone to be Olympic medalist. Yeah. Diving would be pretty cool. Swimming would be pretty cool.

What about a pole vaulter? That's really hard to pull off. To pull off. Nice. What did we tell this person to do? Oh, I forget what the question even is. Oh yeah. To break up with your girlfriend.

Shit. Can a guy and a girl go to Vegas together as friends? No. No. Should I really do this or am I asking for trouble? Yeah. I want to go, but I also recognize I'm making a huge mistake, but I also want to go. Go.

You can go. Like everything that you're worried about is solved if you break up with your girlfriend, which based on the first paragraph you want to do. Yeah. It sounds like it's in the cards anyway. This was a leading question. Yeah. I mean, the fact that you are, it's like if I go, I'll hook, I like, I'm going to try

to hook up with her. So is that a bad, is that a mistake? Is that okay? Even if you didn't hook up with her, even if you guys would just like went to Vegas to see a strip show and came back, that's also not fine to do while you're in a relationship. Nope. Like it's also not fine to DM her based on this video. None of it is fine.

All of it had to be done in secretive. Yeah. Like all of it had to be a secret. You might as well just not. If you're not in a relationship, you can do anything you want. Wait a minute. If you're single, you could do anything you want. Yes, exactly.

So you can go to Vegas or not. Including go on a date with Ula Salzgeber, a German equestrian and Olympic champion of dressage. We know who Ula is. Okay. I'm just saying you could really go on a date with Ula if you were single. She sounds Icelandic. She's German.

Okay. She's not Icelandic. Take up with your girlfriend. Thank you, Aledine. Thank you, Amir. This has been If I Were You. If you've got any theme songs or questions, send them over to IfIWereYouShow at gmail.com. Our first song was obviously, obviously from Wetus themselves.

And if not Wetus, then I think it was a guy from Strong Persuaders from Shane. Or to check them out on Spotify. Our closing theme song, I actually, I couldn't find one. So I figure I'll just, I'll just, I can close it out myself because I feel like that's what the, I feel like that's what the host does when, No, the host finds two theme songs. That's part of the deal. You find two.

Well, I couldn't find, I couldn't find two. Okay. So what's the plan here? I couldn't find two. So I'm going to close it out because I feel like the host just gets the job done. Okay. So what's, yeah. What's it?

I'll just, do you have an instrument or are you going to go acapella? I don't have an instrument. Okay. I don't have an instrument. I'll go acapella. It's, you can auto tune it in post if you want to make it sound really good. Okay. Well, that's only if you want to make it sound really good.

It can definitely be pretty good. Hell, I came up with a friggin original theme song of the show. Remember? Episode one. That's me. So I can do that shit. Um. This is the end of the show.

The show is over. That's been if I were you. Hosted by Jake and his friend who is a Jew. All right. The end. I hated that. Same. That was a hate gum podcast.