If I Were You - 398: Alaskan Adventure

Episode Date: September 2, 2019

In this episode we discuss Brazilian waxes, renting apartments, and Jake's new career as a development executive.For more If I Were You, check out our bonus Thursday video episodes every week on our Patreon!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Since I'm ugly gotta listen to the podcast Get advice to get me laid at long last Finally I might not be an outcast Seize a little cheese at else my boys don't put me on blast Swipe on Tinder just to try to get a preview With Jake's advice I'll get the show of my cashew Everything I know I learned from these two Jews day one Fana means I've listened since the debut Realize I don't wanna be a virgin Lonely and horny master my perversion Golden Mike seems like Jake is only worthy

How come everybody wanna give him the turdy? Jake and Amir, Jake and Amir, Jake and Amir now I can't tell if he's a human or a chipmunk All right with the red hot chili peps Red hot chili peppers were so famous in the 90s, what happened there? They've only gotten more famous in the late 20's You rarely hear about Flea Is he still playing in the celebrity basketball game on MTV?

Is Anthony Kitas still rocking a long hair at rock n' jock softball? Anthony Kitas, wow, he doesn't even come up when I type Anthony Space on Google Yeah, that's not a good look, what about Anthony Space K? Yeah, number one, don't worry about that Okay, you think he has an Instagram? Let's see Anthony Kitas Instagram Or is it just like a fan gram?

I can't tell if this is him or not, I don't think it's him It really better not be him Because it's a lot of low res images of the chili pepper on tour in Denmark in 1989 It only has 300 followers, I don't think it's him I remember when I visited Israel as a kid, my cousins loved the red hot chili peppers They were like the coolest, they were basically like U2 after U2 But then, what happened in the last 20 years? I guess you could say that about any musician Well Anthony Kitas looks like he has a bowl cut and a mustache now

Which I think makes him kind of cool I guess I still sometimes see them at Laker games Music still definitely gets played Yeah, but are they still making music? It looks like they're still on tour from this post of Flea in Egypt That was March 12th 2012 Wait, he was doing a show in Egypt?

Well look, I don't understand why else he would be on tour with the red hot chili peppers Yeah, he's got a show right now Wow He's got 600,000 followers I think they're doing great, I think they're touring man That's awesome, it turns out I have the problem You do The red hot chili peppers are fine

They're the goats I never like them that much, I gotta tell you I just gotta be honest with you Yeah, no, same, I also never really like them But I mean, Under the Bridge is still a great song Yeah, that song came out 30 years ago That's crazy That song doesn't really seem like a red hot chili pepper song, does it?

Yeah, so we won't give that to them What's another good song of theirs? California Cation, that was more Rolling Stones than them Yeah, I don't think they have a song Every song that is bad is theirs And every song that's good belongs to another band Absolutely Yeah, that's another red hot chili pepper song

Oh, Scott Tissue's there, I wish you saw That's theirs, that's definitely theirs That one's theirs, right? Sarcastic Mr. Know It Oh, he does sound like the Game Boy This guy's right Yeah, he does Jamie Ashworth wrote that he has no musical background

But still wanted to contribute Pretty good for no musical background Honestly, no musical background I don't think the red hot chili peppers had one either Kitas was a soccer player who just found a microphone one day And Flea was his mailman And he's like, I could probably jam out on bass If necessary

This guy says he has no shout outs Except for the two nerds that helped him make this, Jacob and Ryan Only one of them who hasn't landed an intro theme song yet So I really need this Also, you can tell my girlfriend Emily, good luck in law school this year Sounds like he's breaking up with her Good luck in law school Good luck in law school, Emily

Flea should have gone to law school Actually, Flea is a very outspoken Laker fan on Twitter And I have to say I agree with a lot of his takes Really? Yeah, he's like a smart basketball fan That's really interesting Maybe we could get him on buckets That'd be cool

Hey, Flea By the way, I'm going to start hosting buckets with you What? Yeah, I'm going to be the co-host of buckets That's pretty cool Who decided that? Upgrade Not upgrade

It's an upgrade for your pod You don't know enough about basketball I'd have to catch you up every episode It would slow us down I don't need to know a lot about basketball Yes, you do I don't feel like about basketball Have you ever listened to it?

Yeah, I've listened to a bunch of buckets It's mostly like About buckets How many three-pointers could be scored in a quarter That's basketball In 1987 That's all basketball And the fact that you're saying that's sarcastically

That's basketball adjacent Means you're not a good co-host It's basketball adjacent But it's mostly just weird mathematical hypotheticals I think that could really help steer it in a better direction Mathematical Nitpicking critiques Hypotheticals

Yes, you do I never talked about how many threes somebody Get in a quarter in 1987 So you made that up And then you have a note about it You do like random shit like that Who's the tallest basketball player And the shortest basketball player

We did an episode about the best player at every height But we don't do quote random shit like that Has anyone ever done a game Where they only scored one free throw or some shit? Don't say done a game Like just saying done a game Means you don't know enough about basketball You don't say has anybody done a game where

It's not interesting takes To you It's hypotheticals of Yeah, I know what you think Let this be crazy if No, that's not true You're sort of veering in and out of what it actually is So like

Yeah, sometimes we do talk about stuff that happened in the past But then when you say like it veers off into hypothetical takes That's not true You're like sort of clumping it all together In order to make an argument And I don't appreciate it I'm not, I know what I'm saying It's a great show

While it's what I want to be the co-host I just think I can take it in a What you're doing with the show now is nonsensical And I'm saying It's sensical What I could do What I could bring to the table If you're willing to let me co-own the IP

Obviously not that To what you want to start licensing it Is a television show that you own Yes, I think, I mean not right away But I think if you let me in there If I get to I don't trust your expertise Put my stamp on the thing

I think I can really I can make this show saleable In the secondary marketplace Like where? Where can you possibly want to make this saleable? Twitch, bitch Yeah, you want to package it And sell it to some sort of

Hulu, yuhu, hulu There's a lot of There's a lot of different market places Where this show really works And podcasting Ain't one of them You went to Alaskan Came back as like a development executive

This is such an insane term for you I got Wi-Fi and Denali And then what? An LTE in the Kanai Peninsula That's what And now you buy and sell content to Quibi? Yeah, I think I could make a Quibi Of your shitty ass podcast

If you let me own the IP You went to Alaska It's naturally beautiful And you came back And now you're packaging content You're a greedy, bloodthirsty, money hungry I was using a signal booster on a glacier And I saw the landscape

Not the actual Alaskan landscape But the entertainment landscape The line between podcast And YouTube series is blurring Oh my god Do you want to create any content? Or are you just looking to package, sell, distribute? I think if I can own the IP

I don't need to create anything I think I can wedge myself in as an owner Got it So I'll give you buckets But you give me not another D&D podcast I am not the sole owner of that intellectual property I can't do that I heard they kicked you off the podcast, right?

Well, yeah, I'm not on the show anymore Yeah Because you kept trying to quote, own the IP and sell it I was going to take a piece of Caldwell's actual physical brain So I kept the IP Holy shit You're a supervillain You're a supervillain who's trying to monetize other people's work

I steal people's brains and then I go to executives And I say that I own the intellectual property Alright, well let's worry about this intellectual property A show that you I guess do own half of Damn right It's If I Were You The only podcast, advice podcast on the internet hosted by us I'm Amir

I'm Jake And what we do here, answer questions Try to steer people who are lost, confused Sort of meandering their way pointlessly through life And then we say, you know what, this is how we should do it We're experts at this point I'm 36, you're 34 Actually, I just pulled up our email

This one wasn't planned But it seems like something that is right up your alley We usually just sort of force ourselves to be wise But it looks like you might actually have some wisdom for this guy Who's a 23 year old student looking to rent a place in New York City Wow Okay Yeah, I can help

Okay, so what do you want to call this 23 year old New Yorker 23, let's call him Early Jake Okay, Early Jake It'll be like I'm giving advice to my past self That's right, this is a 23 year old student I'm a 23 year old student heading into his third semester at a theater school in Manhattan A few friends and I are planning on getting a three bedroom together And we've been looking around for months

But every landlord is requiring near perfect credit score And my friends don't have a credit since their parents are paying their loans And mine is in the trash, 540 because of loans I know you dropped out of college, Jake But I'm sure Amir can understand some level Since he was the first rodent to be enrolled at a university in the U.S. We have guarantors, but these landlords don't seem to care How do I get a decent place to live when I don't have time to dismantle this classist system

Thanks a lot, Jews, the boy who doesn't want to be homeless, Early Jake No, I disagree with the premise A guarantor will, you can get an apartment with a guarantor Yeah, the amount of hoops that New York landlords make you jump through is so silly I remember the whole, I think that doesn't really exist anywhere else This idea of a guarantor where you have to have somebody who will vouch to pay like 90 times rent Do you remember that multiplier? Is that correct? I don't think it's 90 times rent

It's some like insane amount that's like you have to prove that this guy will pay your entire lease if you should default Right, so it's like you need to make 30x the rent or something like that Yeah, something that's already too much Like, yeah, nobody, it's very rare that people, it's rare that you're like making so much money And you're able to pay that rent when you're a student, absolutely You're like barely making rent every month Yeah, they want, it's like a $3,000 a month two bedroom and they're like You have to prove that you make $95,000 a year

Okay, I don't make $95,000 Alright, can you get a parent or rich person to vouch that they'll pay your rent But they have to make $280,000 a year Yeah Why do you have to have such a guarantor? Like, just know that I have enough money to make rent, that should be enough I think it's because it's really hard to evict people once they're like in an apartment Right

Maybe they have like 30 days or something But then you end up, you have 30 days, then you have to put the apartment back on the market You have to pay a broker, so like the landlord gets fucked if you just like stop paying your rent Have you ever heard of a guarantor actually having to pay the rent once a guy like leaves? I've never heard of a guarantor needing to actually pay the rent It is, like it's a legal document, that person is on the hook I mean, I'm sure that if somebody is willing to be like, I'll pay the entirety of their lease They'll probably also help you out month to month if you really, really need it

I'd rather give you $1,500 than to pay this landlord $93,000 Right Who was your guarantor? My daddy was my guarantor I remember when I, like the first time I didn't need a guarantor anymore Wow, how did you not need a guarantor anymore? Because then I had, I finally had enough money To be like, I will pay it if I can't pay it

Yeah If I fall, then I can have, I'll pay cash Look at my W2 bitch, look at that Although, like you've also heard of like, schemes and dreams from some shady friends of yours that like Just lie about the guarantor, right? Like anybody can sign a document, that's not When you, when you say schemes and dreams from shady friends of mine There's no way that you're not talking about Jeff, right? Oh, am I? I guess, I mean, when you bring him up, yeah, that's true

Can't you see him sort of forging a document about not only his credit score, but his guarantor? Oh, can't I, I actually did see him doing that I don't have to imagine it, because half of Alaska, the trip that I took with him Was him lying, forging a guarantor Yeah, no, you can definitely photoshop those documents I mean, not a W2 necessarily, but like a letter of employment, that's pretty easy Yeah A bank statement, you can definitely fake a bank statement, print it out and give it to somebody

I feel like it's harder to rent in New York than to buy a place in 48 states Yeah, I would, I would say that's, that's definitely possible Credit score, I mean, who the hell knows their credit score before you like have to do something as epic as buy a house Like, I don't know what my credit score was at age 21 I mean, I also, I guess it really, I definitely did not either But I think it matters like where you're looking, you know, if he's looking in the West Village or something Like where it's a super competitive market and people are just generally really rich and buying nice places You can definitely get beat out by a bunch of people because if you're like, I would imagine it's less about the money

And more about like three, three 23 year old dudes who are trying to live in a two bedroom versus one 35 year old woman or something Like a landlord would rather have somebody that's gonna have a lighter footprint And, and also like somebody that doesn't need a guarantor that just seems like a really strong applicant Holy shit, you're taking the landlord side, look at you, you turned 34 and all of a sudden you're talking about 23 year olds Like their little vermin that you're trying to phase out by getting their credit score Yeah, I'm a landlord these days, you know this Yeah, and if somebody wants to rent your place out here, what are you, what are you telling them, you want to see the credit score? Well, I have a, there's a management company that does all that for me, but I do see like

The applicants If somebody is like, oh yeah, they have two kids, I'm like, oh I don't want four people fucking up my house I like it when there's only one person in there That's right So like if I was, if I had a choice, like these are the three applicants, there's a 30 year old bachelor Or a family of four or two college dudes who want to rent your house I'd be like, give me the, I want the bachelor Interesting

You can't actually discriminate based on quantity Is that true? Yeah Is that fucking real, man? Oh no, I don't know, I think I was just kind of being silly, like it's like Well if you're fucking serious, then I'm, they're gonna throw the book at me, man I'm on record Yeah, I don't think that's actually

I'm on freaking record right now, this is public record As long as it's probably like not like ethnic based or race based, anything like that age You can probably discriminate based on the amount of people It's all number based, I swear to God, man This is public fucking record Alright, relax it Jesus, how much IP are you sitting on that you're afraid of getting sued right now by the way Have you been fighting?

I have a lot of IP Yeah General cleanliness Yeah The buckets That's all me That's so little amount Everything your mind touches

You're sitting on a wad of old napkins from bars With pen drawn scrawlings of quote unquote IP You saw my dad rocking the general cleanliness shirt in that Instagram photo I posted, right? Yeah, how much did he charge you for that? So my dad's an influencer I had to pay him 10K for that post and it wouldn't even live in his feet, it's a month That's not gonna move the needle But I think it's all just reinvesting in this IP, so that's a write off

So you're sort of a development exec and also like an agent to influencers And the only client you have is your dad Yeah By the way, he's not an influencer I was gonna start buying defunct businesses, did you ever heard about this? No You can buy a business Because it's going out of business

Yeah, I could just buy like a defunct business or like a business that's about to go out of business Yeah, like a radio shack or something Yeah And then I own assets What are you gonna do with an old electronic store? What do you want that for? I saw a rye bread factory going out of business when I was in Anchorage I was in rye

That could be mine So what? That's my rye pee You have intellectual property about rye, you think you own the kind of bread? Yeah Actually Moral Alright, so my advice to this guy is to maybe look in a less competitive neighborhood

I don't know where you're looking But I guarantee is that's enough A landlord will let you do that And you gotta do everything you can Like write a letter to the owner, the landlord about why you want the place That also helps Yeah I remember when I was moving into that giant shrub with Dave, Rosenberg and Amanda

We really wanted it and it was a competitive place And I think we got the edge because we all wrote a very nice persuasive letter Yeah, and aren't there like situations of like guarantors paying an entire like years worth of rent And then the renter pays the guarantor back If you have a guarantor that really trusts you, maybe you do that Maybe, but I mean even guarantor, like somebody that's making $200,000 a month or $200,000 a year They're a good guarantor but they can't necessarily pay like Pony up the 12 grand

Tens of thousands of dollars up front Yeah That's a lot Well if you want to be my guarantor, you gotta pony up the cash, mother Mother And let's take a break, we'll come back, we'll answer some more questions after this Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake

Wow That's correct I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift I think it actually is Yeah Not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech-savvy family member that you need a gift for soon These digital photo frames might be the best of all time Yeah, for me personally, these things are perfect

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It's really nice Oh, that's cool So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo Yeah, frame This is actually how we told Jill's grandma, she was pregnant We got her the Aura frame, we plugged it in Jill's grandma was pregnant Really nice, asshole, this was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife

And you're trying to make a joke of it I was just being goofy a little bit This is how I told my grandma she was pregnant Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant Oh my god, Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant, it's pretty cool And you told me with a digital photo frame?

Holy smokes And we let her know with an Aura Yeah Thank you The Aura announcement So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app Add me to your Aura app, I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something, that could be funny Yeah, like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter

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Okay, go get your parents something, alright? And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping Right on Thank you Aura And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to This show is sponsored by BetterHelp, thank you BetterHelp If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist Is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place and it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist

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Gross Yeah Um, I don't know Do you recommend Alaska? Oh yeah, yeah, I would recommend Alaska, 10 out of 10, great state I believe August is usually the rainy month, but thanks to whatever is happening in the world It was warm as hell, and it was sunny

And also half the state was on fire There was a bunch of forest fires in Alaska while we were there Oh, I always assumed it's like always 48 degrees and chilly and rainy It was like a little chilly, the highest it got was like, but I mean it was 68 degrees a couple days, so it was like pretty warm That's enough for a forest fire? I think it might, maybe it was hotter earlier in the summer, but they didn't get any rain, so it's dry Fierce winds below, they knocked down a power line, sparks fly all the next thing you know 5 million acres of forest is on fire, baby

That has nothing to do with you you're saying? Cause it was fine before you three hooligans got there Yeah, so well Jeff had a spliff when we were in town, Pete none And he's like, how far do you think I can flick it? No, it was great, we, I mean it's just, it's absolutely stunning and it's so big, it's so vast Is it bigger than Texas? Yes, I believe it's bigger than Texas, I believe it's twice the size of Texas Or maybe it's roughly the size of Texas, one of the, one of those

Jesus, oh yeah, you can fit Texas into Alaska two times, it's one-fifth of the size of the lower 48 states Yeah, like it's truly baffling, you look at the map It also doesn't make any sense, just like placed where it is, it's in, it's like above the full continent of Canada Yeah, it's basically Canada, we basically sliced off the left-fifth of Canada and was like, this is America too now I flew to, I flew to Minneapolis from New York, my flight from Minneapolis to Anchorage was another five hours It's like Europe, you're closer to Iceland than to Alaska Absolutely, so the, and the reason we own Alaska is because we bought Alaska from Russia, who previously owned Alaska For seven, they also shouldn't own it

Well, Alaska at least like, sort of touches Russia, like if you look at a world map it like follows Oh yeah There's like the Bering Strait or whatever it is That's right And yeah, we bought it for seven million dollars Wow The guy who did it was named Seward, I think he was the Secretary of State or Secretary of Defense or some kind of government job He was high, right? He like sort of did it on a whim

And then he woke up He was absolutely baked Yeah, and he's like, I'll fucking, I'll take the Alaska chunk off your hands for seven million cash In a fugue state, he bought a state, he bought a fugue state And it's now the, he bought it for the price of a three bedroom townhouse in the lower east side The funny thing is, this is all something I read on Wikipedia when I was in, when we're looking at, we were like kind of curious about the same stuff But they called it Seward's Folly because everybody thought it was a mistake to buy Alaska Everyone thought that America got a bad deal

And then like a few years later, they just discovered all of the gold and oil in Alaska And it's like So then he's like, oh, who's the Folly now? Like yeah, but he didn't know there was oil, whatever You had no idea there was like an oil Seward Yeah, but I did it anyway and now you guys can suck my dick Actually, I'm gonna buy fucking Greenland now No, because you might not get lucky with the oil thing again, whatever I could with

Now it's not that crazy that Trump wants to buy Greenland He basically bought a shitty painting for ten million dollars and then they found a really expensive document behind the canvas He's like, I knew it would pan out It's like, no you didn't Told you He just got lucky, Seward But yeah, it's gorgeous Let's see, we went to

We started in this town like outside of Anchorage called Girdwood It's just like on the water, nice and pretty But then we drove from there to Denali And Denali National Park is crazy You know what you don't know about Denali? So it's the tallest peak in North America that we know Is that where Mount McKinley is? Yes, but it has been changed to what the natives called the mountain Denali

Oh It was always Denali, we changed it to Mount McKinley And now it's been returned to its rightful ancient name of Denali Who did that? I didn't know that I wouldn't have approved that I guess the government made good, Seward's second Folly It was actually, it was a Yukon Denali product placement That's right

And then the other peak is the Toyota Sienna Ridge Yeah, I see it now, it's the hashtag Yukon Denali tent Oh, there's people giving out red bulls at the top, this is cool Those aren't tents, those aren't tents, that's a Nissan Cube You can see that the tent is a square Yeah, that's really cool actually Yeah, so it's all car related shit Can you drive to the top or like that's like Mount Everest, you can't ever get there

Yeah, like you cannot get there, it's like a multi, it's like a 14 day hike or something You have to acclimatize half the people that try to summit don't Or 60% of the people that try to summit don't because the weather is so insane up there Wow, so it is like a little Everest But this is the interesting thing about it So it is, it's not as tall as Everest But if you look at, if you just like slice off just the mountain part Like the floor to the mountain

It is 8,000 feet taller than Everest But Everest is part of like the Himalaya range So it's already so high above sea level Oh, so just the mountain itself is bigger than Everest But like Everest happens to be plopped on like this huge head start That pushes it higher up It's cheating basically Everest is cheating and Denali, which I'm going to still call Mount McKinley

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but that's how I want to call it Absolutely, it should be Mount McKinley, named after our president You're so fucked up Yeah, named after our 25th president actually, William Mcfrickin-Kinley And I'm not going to apologize for that You said sorry, but that's what I'm going to call it So you did apologize

They're named after the great William McKinley actually And we'll call it the great Mount McKinley Because he's making the mountain great again He looks down on Everest He looks down on Machu Pichu Which I'm actually calling Teddy Roosevelt Island Yeah, so that's Everest Or sorry, that's Denali

Jesus, you almost had me say Mount McKinley We did some cool shit up there We took like a flight scene tour because you can't just like walk to McKinley And it's all so often shrouded in clouds So we like literally flew over it, which was crazy Like you're flying above all these ginormous mountains And then you break through the clouds You go above the clouds and then you see like

Basically twice the size of all the huge mountains you were already flying over Is Denali, it's nuts That's cool Did you go to Moose's Tooth? I'm just looking at a map right now and there's a smaller mountain called Moose's Tooth I don't think we did That's cool Yeah, no

How did Mike break his wrist? Oh yeah, alright fine, that's what I'll... I have two really quick stories, okay? Alright So I got there Jeff is like... They're texting me like where are they picking me up and then It's like, yeah, we've...

I think he said like we got a story or something And I was like... And I joked that it was a bear attack And then Jeff... Oh, they got there before you Yeah, they were there two days before me I see So, and I was just...

I think I joked that there was a bear attack And then Jeff was like, it's a doozy And then they pulled up and Mike's arm is just in like There's a Jerry-rigged splint It's like... It was an ice pack You know like that black athletic tape that people... Yeah

That athletes kind of used to like... I don't know, it almost looks like a design or something Yeah So Mike was wearing an ice pack That was taped onto his wrist with a bunch of those things Okay We went, we like ate sandwiches On this beautiful rock

Overlooking the ocean, we drank some beer And I was like, Mike, do you want to like go to the hospital Or the doctor or anything? He was like, no Everyone I talked to said If it was broken, I would know it It was like, I think it's going to be fine And the next morning it was like

It was still in a lot of pain It was like, how's it feeling? It was like, it's real bad And then I... Maybe this is my unsolicited advice Whenever somebody says If it's broken, you'd know it Don't listen to them

Because that's what I did with my heel when I broke it Everyone was like, if you broke it, you'd know Yeah And the thing is like They just don't know how tough Mike is Like he broke it It was broken And he rode...

He got back on the bike that he fell off of Oh yeah, wait So how did it happen? You never noticed that So, alright, this is what... Yeah, I'm sorry This is a terrible story It's all in order

Alright Before I got there, Mike and Jeff were riding e-bikes They went along this trail in that town, Girdwood And Mike, who does not know how to ride a bike He doesn't know how He learned... Like me? Yeah, he's like you

So he's learned to ride a bike late in life Like when he was in his 20s So he can do it... I think you can get it going You can ride a bike But you would not trust yourself on an e-bike Going 25 miles an hour, would you? No, of course not

As Mike should not have trusted himself on a bike Maybe he's got a slightly better handle of it than you do But he learned late And so he's riding this e-bike with Jeff And a bee flew into his face A bee? And a bug did this to him? And he moved...

I guess he moved his hand to hit the bee Or to swipe it away And his bike went off the track And he flipped over the handlebars What? He flipped over the handlebars? He flipped over the handlebars And then he got back on the bike And rode 17 more miles

And fell off the bike again Jesus During this ride Probably because he couldn't grip the handlebar Because his wrist was broken Yeah So the next morning I was like Let's just go to the ER

Our day that day was driving to Denali And we were going to go on this flight at 4.30 But it was only a three and a half hour drive And we had time We can just go to the ER So we went to the ER And we were trying to save time We called ahead

And we were like, hey, can we make an appointment? And they were like, you're going to be fine And we walked there No one It was utterly empty Right Because it's Alaska 820 people live in Alaska

And we walked in And they were like, hey, we called My friend heard his wrist There's like four nurses They just wave us right back in We go directly into their office They don't even make us wait behind the glass To get our information

We're just in there We're all hanging out Yeah We go into a room to wait for the doctor We don't have to wait for the doctor He comes in immediately He starts like kind of pressing Mike's hand And turning the wrist around a bunch

And he's like, this is exciting Nobody's ever hurt themselves here It was weird Because there's not a lot of people But it does seem like Alaska's kind of a dangerous place More people live in D.C. than in Alaska And I guess everyone in Alaska Despite how dangerous it is

They just know how to handle themselves Yeah Because they're all in Alaska They've seen some Alaskans More people live in North and Or South Dakota than in Alaska It's 737,000 people in all of Alaska That's nuts

Yeah That makes sense It's so empty Three and a half million in Connecticut One-fifth of those people in a state One-fifth the size of America That's how spread out it is Yeah, that makes sense

It's beautiful All right, so the doctor is Like turning Mike's wrist around And he's saying, does this hurt? Does this hurt? And Mike keeps on saying no And the doctor at one point goes, few So we're like, wow, all right

Maybe we're good And I start to feel stupid For even suggesting that we go to the ER And then they take him through And they like wheel in this like Kind of like New Agey X-ray Like that they He doesn't have to go to an X-ray room

It comes into the room They're taking all these X-rays Me and Jeff are like looking at them As they're showing up on the screen And it looks good to us And we're like, hey, it's going to be all right And then the doctor leaves We start like kind of like making plans

For the day And the doctor comes back And he's like, oh, I hate to ruin your vacation But your wrist is broken You need surgery Surgery It's broken so badly That he needs surgery

Like right away? Yes, it almost It almost made us have to Like literally go home Oh my God Yeah, but the doctor was like You have to see He's like

The first thing he said is like You can't go to You shouldn't go to Denali You have to see an orthopedic surgeon But then that guy wasn't even going to be open For two days So we were like Can we just

Why don't we just go And then we'll come back And he said that that was fine But they wrap So they wrap Mike's arm in like this Way more professional splint Than just like The shit that we got from CVS

They gave him some pain medication We went to Walgreens And bought us a hoodie And cut off the One of the sleeves That should do it Who needs a surgery When you have a hoodie with a sleeve

But yeah He needs to get surgery He's doing it Probably ASAP Now that he's back Jesus And they have to like Bolt his wrist bones together

I think that's what they're going to have to do I forget which bone it is But like It's If you look at the x-ray The bone is separated Pretty far from where it looks Like it should be

Which is weird Because you and Jeff You and Jeff said it was fine Yeah Doctor are you sure I took a pretty cursory glance At the x-rays And couldn't see that

Big of a break But When they printed out the x-ray Those were on pretty Those were on like iPhone size screens When they printed it out Even I could see it

And I'm I'm a real dumbass And I'm hardly a doctor If I could see how bad the break looks It's not like a hairline fracture It is It's a displaced fracture Jesus

I wonder if he just never Went to the ER Never got an x-ray With the bones heal itself No He would have to eventually get surgery I'm sure he would get home And Sarah would make him

Go to the ER So That's And that's basically what happened to your foot Now you need surgery too At one point Yes Precisely

So when you hurt yourself Don't think that you can hack it I do I believe that people are tougher than Other people think When they say like If you broke it You'd know

Don't listen to that shit If it hurts even a little Just go see Why not? Because it's a Bummer of a vacation Thing Yeah

Nobody wants to spend Part of the vacation In an ER But it actually was Kind of interesting Like I felt like My trip to Alaska Ended up being really

Well-rounded Because of like All of the different People that we met Like we met the guides On the tours But then we also like Actually went into

Like the Anchorage ER And like we were Wandering around their hospitals So it's just a strange place to be You don't ever expect to You'll go to the Anchorage emergency room That's right We also went to the state fair

So it feels like We just like Saw every little corner Of that state Yeah You saw how the city folk lived How the rural folk lived How the doctors lived

And now And then we saw Denali And then Mike will sue The e-bike people And then he'll have to hire An Alaskan lawyer So we're going to go to the Trial in Alaska

All right, one last thing Real quick The other place that I stayed That I want to mention Is called Orca Island Cabins And that was like All of the yurts On the coast

In like near the Kanai Peninsula In like There are all these like Fjords basically In the The lower part of Alaska Yeah

And this place was like Fucking magical We just stayed in a yurt On the side of a cliff Wow Going into this amazing cove We saw We saw Orcas swimming around

In the cove Whale watching from your cabin Yeah And then they also have like Kayaks and paddle boards And stuff And I did stand up paddle boarding And I was

There were So many jellyfish In the cove I've never Basically all In all of The coastal Alaska I've never seen so many

Enormous Fucking jellyfish Why would you do a stand up Paddle board When you're surrounded by Jellyfish? That seems like some sort of Fear factor challenge

It was That's why I wanted to do it Because I really Well I've never done stand up Paddle boarding And I Really wanted to

And then I was like I'm not gonna let these Jellyfish Fucking stop me I'm not gonna I just won't fall off And it's hard to fall off A stand up paddle board

You like fall down It's not like surfing Where you fall off All the time Right It's not like so wobbly That you like can't It's more like

This thing is gonna Stay upright It's not gonna flip Got it It's like a boat You're standing on A kayak of sorts Exactly

So like when I Fell I like Could fall onto my Knees I see I never fell in the water But I did jump in

A couple times Because the water was so clear That I could see Where the huge Jellyfish were So if I was If I saw one that was Like pretty deep down

And a little far away I was like Okay, so I see that one And there's nothing around My boat So there's not one here And I could jump in And it was

Lovely Wasn't it freezing? And I was also wearing A wetsuit No, it was pretty warm Whoa I just looked up Orcas Island

And did you know that Oprah bought A eight million dollar Estate On Orcas Island And she called it Oprah's Island Oh, I guess there's

One in Washington That's the one she bought Unrelated to Alaska Interesting I just got excited Because it was the Same amount of price That the United States

Paid for Alaska Is what Oprah paid For her estate On Washington's Orcas Island Well, they're calling it Oprah's Folly That's crazy

I guess she made a mistake But she's convinced There's oil Under this cabin I was also talking To people about Buying property in Alaska Not that I actually

Wanted to But I always get curious About real estate, you know Yeah But they said Only one percent Of Alaska is privately owned Meaning the rest is what?

Owned by like Government And like Maybe like Oil companies and stuff But like it's really hard To just straight up buy Land in Alaska

Yeah But there's a bunch of Really cool futuristic Looking houses for like Four hundred and thirty thousand Dollars Where? Anchorage

Well, that's not really Alaska They say Alaska Is twenty minutes outside Of Anchorage Wow You went to Alaska For eight days And now you're looking down

On Anchorage I would say Anchorage Anchorage is Fucking Canada Alright, it's not Alaska Anchorage, I did go to a bar My last night in Anchorage And it was pretty

It was pretty great Actually, you, me and Marty Would have fucking loved it People were getting Turned up in downtown Anchorage It was like An album release party

For this Anchorage-based Rapper So he was doing like A bunch of his original songs And they were all really good But then also kind of like In between sets

He was borderline Just doing karaoke Drake songs And so like Drake was playing Drake was rapping And this dude is just Sort of also doing it

And it was great There are no rules in Alaska Drake's not going to sue anyone Was this dude Drake and Travis Scott All doing, all playing one show That's cool Alright, let's get to

One last question Before we have to get the F-O-H Okay This one's from a lady We'll call Oprah Very nice Hey guys, lately

I have been wanting Some more female friends I have about three friends Which do you guys find Sad by the way? Anyway, I work as a beauty therapist So I do waxing for people And a lot of my clients

Are girls around my age A few of my clients Who get Brazilian waxes And I get along really well I know the details about Their personal life And vice versa But we have never communicated

Outside of the client Therapist relationship So my question is Is it weird to add one of these Friends on Facebook And spark up a convo online? I know they're first and last names And have even stocked

If you want instant Facebook The weird part is that I've seen Their vagina up close and personal And they are a client of mine Or should I look for friends elsewhere? Thanks, love Oprah That is interesting Is it?

Is this just Brazilian waxes Or the fact that she's a beauty therapist Means there's therapy involved Or is that just what she calls herself? I think that's, I think it's I would imagine it's like Beauty therapist is more just like A cosmetic thing than actual therapy

Got it, yeah, yeah So she waxes these ladies' vaginas And is like, is it weird to add Then go ahead and add them on Facebook I feel like you could add them on I personally think it's always weird When people add me on Facebook I just don't use Facebook

And I don't understand people that do Yeah, what if you just follow them On Instagram and see if they follow back Yeah, that seems like the more normal one And then you can comment on their stuff DM, I feel like that's a slower Entry into hanging And it has nothing to do with the fact

That you've seen their vaginas But I think that that's always a little I mean, maybe they want to be friends With you too But if you thought about that Then you could give them discounts on their Brazilians Oh, that's cool I would get a bajillion Brazilians

A bajillion is when you Wax Jillian's vagina Knock it off, that's my wife's name I'm serious, oh yeah I mean, just anybody named Jillian Yeah, anyone named Jillian I might get a bajillion actually tonight Cool it

I'm just having fun, man I'm just getting a little wasted I'm not, I know you're having fun In fact, why don't I sell you the IP For a CISO show that I'm developing Fine, I'm interested If it's IP related then I actually am interested Alright, what would you do if you were her?

Would you add on Insta, see if they follow back? That way it's not like forcing their hand But if they follow back then you can, you know Slide into their DMs, make a few jokes About how you know what their Vijay looks like It's all fun This is an Insta play, if I've ever seen one Yeah

It's an Insta play guys And it's a little more passive than a Facebook ad Correct Nobody uses Facebook anymore anyway Correct Alright, cool, that's it Thanks for listening, hope you enjoy It's your Labor Day weekend

Or at least the end of it We'll be back as always next week The opening theme song once again Was written by Jamie Ashworth Righto The Red Hot Chili Pepper song Cool

And then this closing one is a little more chill But still a cover of Sound of Silence By Simon Agarfunkel Love that A Sound of Silence cover Written by Coleman in Tampa So thank you Coleman Thank you Jamie

Thanks to you guys for listening For more if I were you We release videos of it On our Patreon bonus Thursday videos At patreon.com slash ja So you can always get more there And we'll see you in Alaska Maybe we should do a

We could do a live show in Juneau or something That's what's up, I'd love to do that Did you go to Juneau? Juneau I did not Nice Yeah, you also broke your wrist I see That's right In solidarity

Mike did it Alright, see you next week Bye, later Hello Crandis my old friend I've come to seek advice again Because my girl has been out cheating And all this cheese that she's been seizing And the pinch has won

His thousandth golden mic That's so tight If I were you show Uncountless threads I post my views I wait a week for these koi jewels To berate me with their insults And point out all my glaring faults But the chipmunk

He makes everything go well Amir Shmuel On the if I were you show