If I Were You - 40: Sugar Daddy

Episode Date: November 25, 2013

In this episode we discuss prostitution, first dates, and bad gift ideas.This episode is brought to you by OurTunez.com! bit.ly/1fNA7ul . Discover new music, upload your music, and make money from your music all in one magical website...See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to the podcast show, the one with millions of views If you're not sure what to do, email in if I will you Cause it sure will be better marking you When it's on, when it's on, you're gonna miss me when it's on I'll be on my own, won't be picking up my phone I'll be listening to the podcast show You were born with that knowledge When you're born, you're either an XY or an XX

And if you're an XX, you have a vagina and know the cup song And if you're an XY, you're a guy and you... You'll never be able to do it I really hope I got that right When Marina tried to teach you the cup song I got the first... I couldn't master doing the cup, let alone singing That's cause you're a dude

Yeah, I did it one time through, whatever And I was so thrilled and Marina was so happy for me That we jumped up and down and hugging Meanwhile, any girl in the world just knows how to do it With looking at someone do it once Innately Well, thank you that the person didn't write her email I think it's her, but the email address was from someone named Sheldon

Well, okay So thank you, Sheldon Oh, you know me, I'm Sheldon, love the cup song Yeah, Sheldon, you are good Sheldon, you're the best No one's better than Sheldon, I think He or she also mentioned that we had millions of views Yeah, you know that podcast show with the million views

Which I guess is true if you aggregate every single one of our views Over the 39 previous episodes Oh, there you go, that's probably what they did Even though most of them are, I imagine, repeat customers No, no, no, everyone's only allowed to listen to the podcast once 50,000 listens and it's all a new person every time They're unique people, not just unique in that there's no repeats But also that they're all unique people

Yeah, we have like no posers Like snowflakes, each one of you guys Is unique You're all unique Welcome to If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet Hosted by us, I'm Amir And I'm Jake And we are in our fifth location in the last five episodes

Yeah, oh my goodness I think we're the most popular podcast who has zero place to record We are vagabond record We are vagabond We are in your childhood bedroom right now We are recording like we are recording a radio show for six people We shouldn't be having the listenership that we do just record We are vagabond

We are in your childhood bedroom right now We are recording like we are recording a radio show for six people We shouldn't be having the listenership that we do record We are vagabond We are in your childhood bedroom right now We are recording like we are recording a radio show for six people We shouldn't be having the listenership that we do just record We are vagabonds. We are in your childhood bedroom right now. We are recording like we are recording a radio show for six people

we shouldn't be Having the listenership that we do just like by traveling with these microphones in a single recording device We had a green bag filled with microphones and a mixer. We're just like shoving it on a plane This is our livelihood That we have yeah, it looks like I just like have a child with a hobby like just holding it around like a like an audio file Hobo, yes, so here's my carry-on the backpack as many as magazines and this is the way I make all my money Put it right over here. Yeah, can I shove it down deeper because I need to put my jacket here? Also, I got stopped at a I had to go with these the three microphones and the mixer

I guess that we used to play into my computer I did it through a metal detector at an airport and the lady in Minnesota was like what you got there? And I'm like, oh, it's a recording equipment. She's like, oh, are you a musician? I'm like, uh No, I do uh, I do uh, I do a radio show What channel not Not radio as much as it is a it's a podcast She's like all right come with me and she like had to inspect all the equipment Ended up torturing you not because you tried to bring anything in they gave you a full cavity search

They gave me a swirly in a wedgie You are a nerd The TSA I guess screens for that. There was a there was a nerd sniffing dog that started like attacking me I guess it was a nerd sniffing doberman. You're a podcast Math camp in 1988. We think you may have turned. Yeah Were you part of what is known as Mike's math club. Oh god, I don't know. I don't I hardly even remember a pencil through your hand Yes, all right fine. I learned how to do long division in my head do your worst ass So yeah, that was my my nerd terrorism moment flying with the podcast equipment

Look at this like a door-to-door traveling salesman of nerdiness But you know what we haven't missed an episode yet. We really and this is episode 40, holy shit Look what we've done. We are broken humans. I finally slept for 13 hours last night Yeah, after sleeping for four hours a night for the previous 12 if you guys are just catching up I'm here and I have been on a tour with Streeter Seidel and Dave Rosenberg for the last nine days It was hard You don't you don't realize how physically demanding it is to be in seven to seven cities in seven nights and performing too Like it's hard enough to just wake up in Philadelphia. Oh, I need to drive seven hours to Burlington, Vermont today

Not to play you're not thinking of how you're gonna get to the hotel at six and say can I take a nap and everyone is like Yeah, we have to be at the venue at 6 30. Oh All right, you get to the venue you have to perform meet people and then afterwards you're like well I'm gonna rage face because I've never been in Burlington before And lather rinse repeat and the best part is is that it's harder than other jobs So like if there's like a door a doctor a lawyer listening, right? We're In a more difficult place than you yeah, especially if you're a doctor because like you save one person a day Yeah, I saved an entire room

Okay, yeah, they escaped their worries for an hour You don't get a lot of sleep because you get calls from patients in the middle of night I don't get a lot of sleep because I'm in Burlington for one night a year and I have to party That's right. Oh, yeah, I was with 25 people who all had fake IDs and we got into a club, sir How do you like that doc? You you choose to do it because you almost have to I choose to do it because I want to Yeah, you realize that the social pressure is so much more than than the legal and professional pressure that you There's our turning off the podcast

Do you think we have doctors that listen to the podcast my dad says he's listening to a couple episodes Oh, my brother my brother said he listened to a couple and really liked it There you go. So do you think there are doctors with the last years that he liked it? Yeah, thanks You think there are doctors not named Dr. Blumenfeld listen to the show Just that's another peek into how much of a disappointment I am carrying my microphones like my dad is a doctor My brother's a doctor and I carried a mixer on an airplane and got tased It's funny also my dad said you and I

John Henry song after last week Yeah, you reference the John Henry story Nobody else knew what it was and my dad sent you and I saw the song and I called him yesterday I was like did you watch the do listen to the podcast? He was like, oh, absolutely not Mom was listening to it in the car. I did my best to cover my ears and sing la la la to myself Unfortunately a bit of your productivity seep through and I found myself accidentally supporting you for half a second But yes, I'm the ring. I am trolling your subreddit Saying that you're a diva

You know Subreddit username. They used to be funnier where I post videos and say how much better they used to be that's me Thanks dad And that's why you think your mom can do better. That's right. That's right All right, let's get into it the how does this work? This is an advice podcast meaning people email us They're you know difficult places. They're they're sticky situations and they need advice They're so desperate that they come to us these these these two these two borderline

infantile children men that That try their best to answer these questions on their fictional radio show And self-deprecating We're in one of my old children men who have a fake radio show All right, you know what we should do one episode or like they they email us because we're fucking famous and it would Fucking blow their mind to hear that to hear them at least read the words that they type That's considered an honor to them

If I read an email and then say this person is a piece of shit garbage They will clap their hands and smile that I said their name because the name we have so many fans that were considered famous to them I actually hate it right now. I can't even I'm turning this podcast off. All right, so let's we chose Four to five good emails today. So let's do our best to try to answer them. Let's do it This one comes from a lady that will call Sarah Fake name real email ready. Yes Hey guys long time listener first time asking you to for some advice

I'm currently a full-time student studying philosophy of moral ethics in California I also work 35 hours a week as a cashier at a food establishment It's difficult juggling both work and school as my grades are slipping and I'm still in need of much money But recently my roommate and my friend both started an account on seeking arrangements calm Which is a sugar baby sugar daddy dating site? They go on dates with men who spoil them with luxurious dinners monthly allowances and some men who even offer to pay for a sugar babies tuition in return sugar daddies expect an accommodating company and or sex more or less Hearing my friends talk about their easy and hefty incomes

I'm a little tempted to try it out, but I can't help but think that this is some sort of prostitution My friend swears that it's not because you're not obligated to have sex with them But I feel as though that's naive and possibly dangerous Do you think being a sugar baby is ever okay? Or even exceptional to someone like me a young college student who is struggling to keep her head above financial waters? Thanks, Sarah All right, let me tell you something. I have all my sugar babies. I never expect sex from that As a sugar daddy as a sugar daddy as a sugar daddy

Yeah, you actually pay them in sugar daddy's the candy. Yes, and I've been I've been very they are very angry Yeah, they do not like to be paid in candy Foghorn leg learn Oh, yeah, I will sleep with an 18 year old and then I give her some gumdrops Excuse me. I was supposed to get money and I say are you some kind of whore? Said this was an arrangement. I say there is no such arrangement Legally, they can't obligate you henceforth to sleep with me for cash money So what I do is take advantage of a here-to-for arrangement and now last night

I was jumped by eight fraternity members in in the parking lot of a gilsons and And they brought me to my knees What they did was a forcibly raped me and gave me a Package of lifesavers and said how do you like it and I'll tell you what I didn't I Now we have fun. Oh, this is a prostitution website. This. Yeah This is as much as a prostitution website as you can legally do without I had no idea what seeking arrangements Dot-com was I went to it and I'm like and now you are being tracked by

Now I sign up to be a sugar father and now there's a white van outside of this house Flowers by Irene and they're sort of tapping into this radio show that we do Yeah, we can't get a signal where they're broadcasting to you. They're too good Sir, I Reason to believe they're not broadcasting or they're not broadcasting anywhere They're sort of saving it locally and they're gonna upload it later. What's these these fucking lame asses. Let's go We have a drug deal to bust so Seeking arrangements calm. Obviously, they can't be like in this website guys pay girls for sex

So they what they do is they sugarcoat it not to no pun intended and they say oh Why don't you become a sugar mama and gain gifts and then hey? Why don't you be a sugar daddy and you can pay for gifts for ladies to? Hang out with you and the entire thing is just like a giant wink to a whole about section of seeking arrangements is all in quotes Yeah, yeah have a date with an escort and then pay her in a tuition or cat not sorry not cash Obviously, but a Bitcoin and To make things even more ironic this girl is studying the philosophy of moral ethics. Yeah, so you get it

So you understand I know you haven't graduated yet The final class is called obviously prostitution and the first two weeks are spent working on seeking arrangements This is the moral fibers here are are non-existent, but it's good that you're asking us because what you're doing is asking somebody who's been on dates and gotten paid for and Yeah, she's saying that it's not prostitution because nobody wants to look in the mirror Oh, right. Yeah, she's asking she's asking her friend. There's no contract But it is a thing that sort of is socially accepted the guys pay and

Hopefully the girls lay I'm being arrested. Oh my god, but it is a thing that sort of is socially accepted the guys pay and Hopefully the girls lay That I'm being arrested. Oh my god. I'm being arrested But it's also like paying for someone's dinner not me paying for someone's dinner and their tuition, right? so like you get you Overreach and you pass a certain boundary where it's like oh

Not like if I pay for a girl's dinner. She doesn't owe me anything. I Like I offer she accepts. That's it the end if I pay for a girl's dinner and then buy her a car She feels in debt to me and the way I want to collect the debt is with sex. That's making it fucked up So this is like seeking arrangements while not explicitly prostitution is much more prostitution than normal Data-ry, which is a little bit prostitution II know I like talk to girls who are like Oh, he like paid for dinner paid for drinks paid for the cab So I felt like I had to at least kiss him or something like no you don't do that to people you like or at a certain point if you're not Enjoy it like if you are starting to feel indebted then you offer to pay and insist on paying for something, right?

And I'm sure if this lady told her parents, maybe they would give her some more money and I don't have money Yeah, that's true But maybe somebody somebody would help if as opposed to doing seeking arrangements calm if they realized how dire of a situation it was Yeah, they're like student loans and stuff for whatever I mean just like Whatever you're like if this is your you know last-ditch effort to go on seeking arrangements Don't and make the thing before at your last-ditch effort, which is donating blood or eggs Yeah, and then after that just drop out of college and admit that you can't pay for it before you turn into a whore

then become a whore Although go to seeking arrangements first then become a whore whore is like legit last minute This I would say a whore don't even put it on your radar never be the whore never that's not even an option No, let's try let's try not to let's try not to be a whore Prostitute anytime anytime you're even debating whether or not this thing is prostitution odds are it's too close to even consider Right, but also I will say that like the guys on this site are Essentially evil yeah on poor women and like offering them money Yeah, these aren't guys that you want to hang out with these are guys who should be donating to charity

There should be scut there should be setting up scholarships and not expecting to fuck students in return All right, so like look all the guys on this site should be round up and shot I don't believe in capital punishment, but I think they all should be dead Wow, yeah stream and the girls the I think the girls on this side are the victims and the guys are like the guys are the Predators whatever the opposite of a victim is a predator, right? Yeah, all right. Okay. I know the word So don't don't don't try to don't try to Fight laugh

Definition of passion aggression Passivision aggression is him So you try to answer another question, huh, you're you're done. Let's make this an 18-minute episode. I'm good Yeah, I'm actually 18 episode is we only have 12 more minutes if we stuck to what we ever really wanted to do This show is sponsored by better help. Thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult anxious stressful situation Talking to a professional license therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that

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We've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and Potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one or you want to sell stuff online You can do an online store. They have 24 7 live customer support email campaigns Data you can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude Com I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me

Or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life And maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season a summer birthday coming up who doesn't want a website So the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace dot com slash if I were you for a free trial And when you're ready to launch just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or Domain again Squarespace dot com slash if I were you free trial everything looks good. Let's launch it Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you Squarespace Alas a lack here. We are all right ready. Yep. We'll call this dude Abraham Abraham writes in Hello, so I met this girl on Facebook and we started chatting and all we both love the same bands movies and shows

After months of chatting and Skyping she wanted to meet me in person a month from now She is a smoking half French half Italian, which is the complete feature most guys want I guess which will make me nervous when I see her face to face How can I play it all cool and hope for the best? How do I avoid awkward silences? I am also considering learning a bit of French phrases to impress her Should I go for it or avoid the risk of making ridiculous mistakes in French? We are meeting at her city and where should I take her a restaurant movie parks? Thank you guys feel free to make fun of me in whatever wild idea you can come up with

But please don't forget to give advice to love Abraham Furthermore What is a restaurant if I take her to one do we sit down? An order food well after shoving carbon nutrients in my mouth Where do I get the green paper that people don't get mad at people after they take stuff for in a park? Will there be grass? If so shall we sit on it? Do I have to compete with the trees for oxygen or do they get it somewhere else? Whatever wild way you can imagine to make fun of me. I know it's gonna be hard

I know it will be a stretch as this is the most normal email anyone's ever written And I do understand how life works and it's definitely not sent from an alien. Love. I I I I kill kill kill seek destroy I know you need a I know you need a computer to send an email, but I feel like this is our first email actually sent from the computer Yeah Not from the person itself. There is a just a just a computer On a date the first sentient being Hello podcast show I met a girl on the book Facebook a girl shows up in the park just to fuck

It's a walking Dell desktop with the body I'm deep blue. I'm not what you expected. Am I? Bonjour We we bonjour from I Beat Gary Kasparov and chess in the 90s and yet I still can't get pussy pussy pussy

destroy and awkward silence How is that fair? How did this happen? I took you to a restaurant movies parks parks or I was instructed on how to avoid Say something say something say la vie I Don't meet this chick, man You're done. I felt bad because I'm like, I don't want to make fun of this guy too much What if he's uh, you know English isn't his first language and so I did a little bit of research and don't worry He's Canadian so so that explains why he's weird

Obviously we love Canada not everyone in Canada is weird just 99% of them Sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry about that. I I Think you know what he said feel free to make fun of me and whatever wild idea we can come up with we did that Yep, he gave us the green light We came up with a wild idea that he wrote a weird email Yeah, you can imagine and then but he did say please don't forget to give advice too. So let's so next question Luckily we're the host of the show. We can do whatever the fuck we want at a movies restaurants or parks

Yeah, jeez well, I think it's hard to go from online meeting someone online to meeting them in person There's that like That uncomfortable like oh my god, this is you're real. We're really doing this am I what they expect? Is she what I expected, you know, well the question is how can I play it all cool and hope for the best? How do I avoid awkward silences? Where we are meeting at her city and where should I take her a restaurant movies parks? I Guess restaurant and parks are better than the movies because the movies you don't get to talk to her Yeah, face her that's a tough first date, right? Yeah movies are not a good first date

What about a good second date Movies are third date. You've never been on a third day. I've never been to a movie with a girl Have you not I? Went well for so if I had like a girlfriend. We've been to the movies I went on one movie date in the last eight years What movie was it? Sherlock Holmes You

Should have taken her to a restaurant park How was it it was So our advice it's weird movies are weird cuz you just you go there. Yeah, you say hi You make small talk till like the movie itself starts. So it's like really you're not even facing each other It's super weird, but there is there are like opportunities for intimate moments. Oh like if something's scary or funny Yeah, or like just the fact that you have to sit very close to somebody. Yeah, it's super like classic Date is like getting popcorn in the soda and like sitting. Yeah, should I hold her hand or not? That's kind of cool. It's kind of cute, but not on the first date pal

Also, you're a robot so it won't matter once you see your circuitry instead of human body the movies just playing on your face. Oh My god, you're a fucking DVD player. I love you Have you any interest in? But in a light season through it starts flickering His mouth opens and it starts rejecting on a wall. He is just Tim Riggins. You can make your face fucking Taylor Kitch. It's perfect Congratulations, that's our advice turn into Tim Riggins. I think that You almost have to just like when it's this kind of thing You have to embrace the

Discomfort because it's like it is a little weird, but I think if you're cool with it That'll make her cool with it And if you guys can like talk about it, then it's some of the best conversations I had after meeting up with somebody on Tinder or something or about how weird the like the fact that we've met online was Right, you just embrace it head-on right, but you don't want to sit down like I can't believe I'm eating you crazy like First get to know or talk about some stuff and then later on you just dive into like It's pretty crazy that we're actually finally meeting and then you guys can talk about that

Like have you done this before all that stuff, you know All right So at first act cool Then then once things are going good break the ice by bringing up the fact that you guys get online Shed your cool skin and show her that you can be vulnerable, but you're comfortable well with being vulnerable So if you were to rank restaurant movie parks restaurant first idea parks second movies third I

Would say parks first restaurant second movies third keep in mind this guy's in Canada. It's probably negative 19 degrees Celsius right now Yeah, don't go to a park ass You changed your mind so quickly. Well, I forgot he's well. He's going to her city. Where's she live? Oh, Miami, Florida perfect go to a park All right, that's it. That's good advice play it cool No awkward silences fake you till you make it if you pretend to be comfortable You'll actually end up being comfortable, right? It's kind of like

I think a lot of people have this thought or maybe I've just had this thought where I'm like What if I don't drink and I just act drunk? suddenly I'm saving money and I feel good the next day and Nobody knows that I didn't drink. Yeah, I've had that thought but I've never actually followed through on it because like all you have to do is act more courageous and Silly right. I guess I've been to like concerts and Bars where I like don't feel like dancing and I'm like if I just like five second burst of energy right now start jumping up and down

That's all I need because as soon as I do one other person I know we'll start jumping up and down and dancing right and then it's like I feed off their energy Then more people come it's like it's an energy feet. Oh, I love it. I need to go to a fucking bar right now It's it's 1138. Well, so someplace was open you're saying. No, I'm not You're hurting me Let go of me. You're on tinder So someplace is open you're saying Yeah, there's a brunch spot. There's a sports bar where I can have a go through a danger. It's a liquid brunch, buddy

Yeah A liquid drunch All right, should we get through one more question before our break time? What's that? How long we've been going? 30 ish minutes. Let's I think we should take the break now. Yeah, that's true. We're forcing it Don't force it. That's what that's advice for this robot guy. Yeah, don't force it. Uh, abraham abraham Abe bought 192 So any good stories from the road that you want to bring up? Oh god, we really had a good time on the road

Didn't we it was like a new adventure every day. Yeah, it was like a video game like rampage where it's like, all right I beat chicago You've earned an arbor. Oh god now done with an arbor moving on to Madison, wisconsin. Yeah, every single day I thought that I couldn't go anymore and then every single like by the afternoon by the show time I was like, all right, let's turn on. Let's do it Uh, let's highlights and lowlights for each of us. Okay. Uh, I guess my Uh, low light was oh, I know you're low light. What do you remember? Uh, when you did laundry in Madison

That would oh, I thought you meant low light at the tour. That was the low light of my life Yeah I was well, I needed to do laundry. I ran out of socks and underwear So I put all of my dirty clothes in a bag and started walking the streets of Madison looking for a laundromat It was 29 degrees 29 degrees We went to the saddest most decrepit little laundromat with a sign that said it was closed Yeah, it's like next one. Uh, go to our other location on 701 east johnson, which is like a mile and a half We're like, oh my god, and we're so we just started just to walk back up to state street

Which is like their main campus drag, right? And uh, you ran into Oh, some girl was like, oh, I was at your show. She's at it. Yeah. Yeah Um, and then you were like, where is laundry? I was I was the robot You clean now you clean now a laundromat, please and she's like, uh, she couldn't think she's like Do you want to just do laundry in my building? Which I didn't know if that was a polite thing or she actually wanted me to Oh, man

I mean it ended up being a highlight because it was so funny. Well, I did I did take her up on it I'm like, yeah, okay. Let's go to your building and let's do laundry and she's like, oh, uh, okay 30 years old just at least 10 years older than this girl She brings me back wait She brought me you and streeter back to her room and she's like and some of her roommates knew who we were and some didn't So she's like, hey guys, uh, jaykin amiri here Amiri has to do is laundry and then one of the girls are like, oh wow cool And then the other was like, what the fuck is going on?

Who's your creepy uncle that's here wanting to wash his clothes in our washing machine Then we put all of her stuff in the washing machine She gave you a card the one thing she said was please don't lose this card, which you lost twice Dude, I didn't lose it at two times. I reached in my pocket. I'm like, oh no. Oh god. Oh guys Oh golly. I lost the card. I lost the frigging we also never got her Room number so every time we went back we were like afraid we wouldn't be able to get in Yeah, we had to leave come back when the washing machine was done Leave come back when the dryer was done and then knock on her roommate's door and return the card

Yeah, and then fold everything that was the sad thing I guess because it was funny when it was just like, oh, we're jumping the laundry This is so funny and then like but by the end when it was just like time to switch it over Then time to come back and fold it It's like, all right. We've we really made a day of this, huh? Streeter and you both took a photo on your instagrams. Oh, yeah Of me asking for permission. Oh, I also at one point I asked to go to the bathroom I need to uh do my laundry and urinate. I thought it'd be fun if I just went into the bathroom and they heard the shower

the shower going They just heard the shower I'm allergic to dove Can you just take a look at this rash or any of y'all pre-med Cops come. Holy shit. I assure you. I was invited to this lady's apartment. Oh, that's good That's a good low light. Uh, the low lights are also highlights because they're humorously said, right? That's true But I oh wait, wait. No, go ahead. I was gonna say you should talk about your highlight of uh, dave Throwing down. Uh, my highlight is also potentially a low light. It was like it was also in madison

The high behind the low. I feel like we have more fun in college towns than big cities Like an arbor and madison were more fun than like philadelphia and boston, right? Well, I mean, I had fun in every city. We love them all. No, no, this is nothing to do with the people there The crowds were evenly great throughout. It was just whether or not we had a crazy story from every location Right. I think we just need a smaller place like boston's so huge. Yeah, we didn't really know what to go Um, we need one street with a pizza place on it. I had a really fun night in boston. No, oh never mind then Well, you went you just went back to bed. No way. All right, whatever. Okay. Anywho, anywho, uh, dave So we're in we're in madison. Uh, we stayed at this bar called hawks like all night

Closed up. We all left. We were walking back to some Girls apartment with a bunch of it with like it was like 10 of us and we're all gonna go smoke weed Even mind you're nine years older than every other person. Yeah. Oh, hey guys. I failed out of college eight years ago Can I smoke weed in your apartment? It's so great. How like I still get to do this stuff and it's fun for me and fun for them like mean what like if I just Didn't have a podcast and an internet web series. You'd be a creep. Yeah, nobody allows me to go back to a dorm and smoke weed A borderline shouldn't be doing it anyway Not borderline shouldn't

So anyway, we're walking along the street and uh, we were with like four girls five guys. I don't even remember but We turned the corner and some drunk kid uh Just groped one of the girls we were with like grabbed her waist lifted up her skirt and grabbed her butt Jesus and I yeah, and Everybody just kept on walking and I was like I didn't understand what just happened and I so I went up to the guy I was like, what did you just do?

And he was like nothing man. Nothing. I was like, no, what just happened. Why did you do that? And then she came back. I was like, did he just touch you and she's like, yeah, it's fine Oh my god, that's the state of college now that that's fine. I was like, no, it's not. Why did you do that? I was like, I was drunk, but I wasn't gonna actually like do anything. Right. You just you just wanted to make him feel like Yeah, I just like couldn't I couldn't like go back to the house having not any said anything. I was just regretted it before you knew it Before I knew it was friends comes up to me He's like walk away walk away and as soon as that happens nobody walks away

Because it's not like I'm like confronting a guy who just gropes somebody and then his friend says walk away And I'm like, you're right. Bye. You're the voice of reason a terrible person's friend. I was like, he's like walk away I was like, no And then it just I like wasn't even turning around at all and then all of a sudden I see Dave's hand on the drunk dude's neck. He just throws into the crowd Which is pretty much the most awesome thing you can do Yeah, just like just settling everything a choke slam of sorts like you groped this girl We know shut up man walk away choke slam

And it was just it was great and then that just like everything exploded and then I don't remember what happened But we were like Every people were pushing each other holding each other back Dave like the drunk I got up Dave went and choke slammed him again and then uh And then we just I don't really remember what happened the guy who was like walk away. I was like, please please. He's drunk. He's drunk Which is not an excuse. No, it's a terrible excuse, but At least he was starting to say please instead of like walk away, dude

It's cool because when I was in college, I wouldn't dare pick a fight with anyone But now that I'm uh 10 years removed I can hang out with a huge dude like Dave Rosenberg And then I'd be I'd be down to pick on some turds Dave just gets to fucking jokes. Dave also was the next day It was like I was afraid to hit him because like I don't know how strong I am Like I could punch him and break my hand and nothing happens or I could punch him and he dies Yeah, that's awesome Uh, so yeah, good good two good stories. I feel like yeah, we could talk

But I feel like we could keep on talking about these stories for Maybe we'll we'll save it for breaks for future episodes. Yeah um Great tour And if and if we we want to go to other cities don't think that this is going to be the only tour Yeah, we're hoping to do it in the spring. So like luckily a lot of people came out and It impressed the venues and hopefully we'll be able to do it again. Yeah, um, all right back to the questions Back to fucking Madison, dude. That's what I want

Let's let's uh call this person Isaac Isaac writes Hey boss, I have a girlfriend who is super cute funny hot sexy beautiful and funny She's a goddamn pair of nickels. Nice The problem is she's fucking dumb as shit and says and does the most dumbest shit I've ever seen It really pisses me off sometimes, but I still love her other qualities. I think I should break up with her Thanks for the advice Yeah, we think so too. Yeah

How this you you think this person is dumb and this person who you describe as cute funny hot sexy and funny You wrote a bad email pal. You're the dumb one. I think Me i'm the dumb one She is fucking dumb as shit and does the most dumbest shit I've ever seen. Yeah If someone's dumb as shit, she's gonna do the dumb shit. You know, you're very this whole email is very repetitive and redundant You're redundant of yourself. Yeah, which is the least of our concerns I guess the most of which is you shouldn't be dating someone that you consider dumb as shit Yeah, somebody that you disrespect so much

Um, I still love her all their qualities like that. She's hot I love that about her and she's funny enough to note it twice in a single list of adjectives Uh, this this we don't have to go into much detail about this one This this guy was it was just a silly funny email Guy who's so so dumb that he calls his girlfriend dumb and asks us if you should break up with her Basically, if you think your girlfriend is dumb Dating her is dumb That's a good tip that I have is always date and go out with someone who's smarter than you

That's true. That way you You want to be the person although maybe it's kind of dangerous where do you want to be the person where guys are like How did he get her or do you want to be the kind of guy where it's like? Why is she or why is he dating her? That's tough. I think you what would you rather have Neither what you want to be is like, oh, they're perfect for each other So that's better than whoa. How did he get her? Isn't that kind of exciting though? It's like whoa, this guy's must be so cool that he was able to get someone so smart and funny and beautiful

Yeah, but I guess that like makes I think if I was dating somebody smart funny and beautiful My friends wouldn't be like how did he get her they'd be like? Oh, you're so lucky. I'm so jealous. Maybe they'd be like you don't deserve her If they were my real friends They would if they really knew me they'd understand and definitely her friends should know that Yeah, this podcast is really backed me into a corner So I guess the sweet spot is going going out with someone who you think is slightly smarter than you That way you're not intimidated people aren't making fun of you But at the same time you're not dealing with someone who's like opinion you don't respect

And maybe she thinks you're smarter than her because it's nice to go out with somebody who respects you Yeah, your respect or maybe intelligence is so subjective that you guys can both be smarter than each other in different fields It's perfect Now now fucking I'm just gonna I'm just gonna go after a road scholar. I love you What? I think I'm in love with you Holy shit You're smarter than me and you compliment me in perfect ways

Taking your pants off and I urge you to stop I've never realized it till now What are you you're in an orgasmic state? You're living your life in a state where you're just about to climax. Oh god. I wish All right one last question, okay You can go to bed. I'll I'll do this one solo. Thank you. You have you've only slept 12 hours last night. Do you realize that I have um No home I'm homeless

I'm homeless of myself. I uh, do you think that's okay because you're not even bringing it up I've been on the road for nine days and The and when I went home when I when I was done I came to your parents house and I'm sleeping on a pull-out couch How was that fair and then you're gonna go And then I go back. I take a red eye back to new york Pack up all my stuff, which means I won't have a bed The next day we drive across the country And then at the end of that staying back at my parents home for three days at which point I fly back

To connecticut for the holidays. So I guess I'll have a home at my parents house Starting december 17. Yay Mommy daddy, I'm coming home. Please bite me things What do you mean you didn't get me gift mom dad? It's christmas time and I want a car I really do I want a car and a new apartment when I move back to la because I don't have a home no permanent mailing address. Oh, no Speaking of gifts, let's get to this last email written by jacob Jacob right I did not write this. I'm jacob. All right. Just so y'all know

Jacob someone else, right? That's a fake name. This is a real email Oh, we didn't even mention that email address again is if I were you show at gmail.com If you find yourself in a sticky situation a difficult place and you want our advice Email the show if I were you show at gmail.com write us in He writes So I've been with my girlfriend for over a year now and the other day we were talking about christmas presents And she said she might get me a phone case with a photo of the two of us on it, which I really don't want I don't want to seem like the sort of guy who puts his girlfriend's face on everything he owns

She's my ipod background, but that's a different matter She's also a bit over protective of me and I feel like she might just want to get me this so it warns other girls off I wouldn't mind if she wanted the phone case for her, but for me it's hashtag. Nope My question is how do I kindly let her know that I don't want that as a gift toda for the awesome podcast guys Jacob Oh, man. That's really tough. That is a that is a sticky terrible difficult place. He's he's stumped us and time And unfortunately we're at time nowhere. You gotta I guess wear that case with pride now, bud We'll uh, we'll be back next week. She also got me a jacket with a picture of us on the back of it

And a tattoo for my face that says go fuck yourself every other girl Oh God a bad iphone case you have to deal with that. Yeah, that's like a that's like a gift of responsibility It's like giving someone a cat. Oh I really think like the The the thing that you should have done what you already didn't do unfortunately is never go out with her That was gonna know what I was gonna say is like we should have when it first This is the kind of thing that like when it first comes up if you say something it's not a big deal

Yeah, you gotta kill this little thing when it's an ant by the time it's like a by the time it's a hamster a dog You can't really run out over with a collar at this point. She's like chosen the picture Maybe she's like sent it to the whoever's gonna make it. It's a thing and you come and you talked to her It's like, oh, yeah, I stewed over this and I weighed the pros and cons and I realized if I have this I wouldn't get to Fuck other girls like you fear You need to Oh, yeah, it's too big. It's not even about fucking other girls. It's just embarrassing. Oh, yeah, dude. I know I that's like that's that's like a thing that says make fun of me

That's like a thing where you can't take your phone out in public anymore. Yeah, you're a girl. I did I even beyond her just being like clingy and jealous and All that it's like this isn't going to be an ugly iPhone case Yeah, nobody has a photo on the back of their iPhone case that looks cool Yeah, unless it's like an ironic one of a kitty cat or something, you know, you should get is get a mophie, which is the This episode is brought to you by mophie

Yeah, I should I fuck mophie But here's what this thing does uh It It's like a case that uh is also a battery a second battery So you can your phone can completely die and then uh charge So you should say oh my dad got me a mophie and it makes your phone bigger So it doesn't fit in normal cases case because I want to use the mophie because I'm like so concerned about my battery life

That's good. So you say get like an addition to your phone that uh prohibits her from ever giving you her a case with your picture on it What about this, uh, I really want this, but I'm afraid people will make fun of me Is that a bitch move? Yeah, I mean, I think you can pass it on to other people like oh everyone's gonna like give me a hard time They're such ass. Why do you care what other people think? I don't know. It's just annoying. You know how it is when people No, I don't care. I'm proud that you're my boyfriend. Yes, you are proud of that Uh, I have You don't will you marry me? I have a mophie

I think you you can't pass it off to other people because then it's like Why do you care what they think and then you like and then you're also lying just you don't want it You don't want it. Oh now you're telling me that lying is bad After you just told him to get a mophie. Well, mophie's not a lie A mophie. A gently. Oh, it genuinely won't fit the case It's a white lie because you're getting it for the wrong reasons But you're all right. Yeah, mine is a white lie your thing I think I'm not saying not to lie

But I think although my thing is even less of a lie than yours because my thing is I don't want it because people will make Fun of me that's 100 true But like that's not a lie. She can spin that on she could spin that on you and make you recount your words recant I'd love to recant them actually. I really think that you ought to just be like I don't want this It's not the display of affection that I want to make for you. It doesn't make me feel good about us It like I think what if it like it cheapens the relationship? That's what I think I think it like weakens. I think it weakens it. I think it weakens and cheapens it. Yeah, it's a weakening cheapening

Freakening weakening and actually your the alchemy relationship is a bleakening I do think that you can just be like this is You understand baby that this is lame, right? Yeah You get that I don't want to be with someone that thinks this is cool Two options if you really like your girlfriend and you just don't want her to be so Um, what's the word? Cheekening Yes, then you should just tell her like hey, I don't I won't like this gift. I'm just being honest with you

I love you. I respect you Which is why I'm going to tell you the truth that I will not like and I will not use this case She's so over protective that she wants the phone to also be protected in this this picture of her Yeah, and this you is uh, I know that this this gift is sort of like Inconsequential, but it's indicative of this bigger problem that you don't trust me that you're over protective And I think if you keep that behavior up, I'm gonna have to break up with you. Well, you switch it up. Yes Or You say I'm sorry. My daddy got me a movie

So hey, you make the call. I think we've given you two very solid options here Yeah, one increases your battery life of your phone and the other uh Changes your relationship. Maybe for the worst forever. So I don't know you choose what you want it tis the season, right? There you go. Uh, all right. That's our time. That is actually our time. That is our show Um Email address one more time if you got your own little thing of magic is if I read your show at gmail.com We're also still accepting theme song submissions every single episode has a new theme song Both at the top at and at the end that first one was from someone

Who I believe was named Sheldon or maybe was writing from an email address named Sheldon Let us know maybe we'll correct it in a future episode and this last one is by somebody named Derek So thanks again for listening everyone And uh, yeah, have a good have a good monday and if it's not monday have a good tuesday And if you're still haven't listened to this episode by a wednesday, just give up. We don't need these Shut up. How dare you go listen to it on a wednesday? All right, thanks guys. Bye If I were you if I were you I know exactly what to do

Jake and Amir will help me out. They'll find a way to ease my doubt Because all I want is to be there for you and that's why I listen to these two They give me some bomb ass advice. Hopefully they'll change our lives. So come on darling Have no fear our fate is in the hands of Jake and Amir. He's the cheese And you do you maybe we can work this through if not, I'll kill myself at a starbox