If I Were You - 40: Wallpaper

Episode Date: August 5, 2024

In this episode we discuss our origin story, our personal email, and our walls.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HITGUM original. there. Now here's one more effort for only positive motivations, they swear! Second! Another podcast. Second! Each app different from the last. Second! It's the Swiss Army Knife of Shoes. Now let's meet your two emphatic hosts. Second! Now let's meet you two emphatic hoes Sadness Woo!

Change your shirt color now. Why? Because we're both wearing white shirts? Yours is a very wrinkly Henley. They're so different. It's incredibly wrinkly. Yes, you have a crisp little bacon collar going on. That is... You obviously tried that. You didn't hang dry anything.

You washed it on warm. You tossed it in the dryer. You thought everything was going to be fine, but it's not. Is it, Blue and Sal? It's slightly pink, because there was a red sock, and I did it because during which I had a pink sock, AKA a prolapsed rectum. Yeah, good.

Forget I made fun of the shirt, I'm just really sorry to hear everything that you're going through. I'm sitting on a donut. Good, good, you're going through. I'm sitting on a donut. Good, good. You're taking care of yourself now. Hardly, I wish I was. Instead I have a nurse taking care of me. Oh, welcome, welcome everybody.

We are back. It's on Monday. We're not writing an episode yet. No. It's too early for that. That's right. It's actually Monday right now. We're recording on a Monday for on Monday. We're not writing an episode yet. No. It's too early for that. That's right. It's actually Monday right now. We're recording on a Monday for a Monday.

That's pretty early for us. We're normally, you know, last minute. We procrastinated. It's Thursday. So sorry, Grim, we're gonna get you this episode. I promise. I just, I can't upload the video. It's really slow on my laptop.

I shot it in 4K by accident. Oh, I changed that. Yeah, I have been shooting in 4K by accident. There you go. I guess that's the default setting. I don't know. I need to get a new phone also because this is unrelated to anything,

but it like only charges at certain angles. It's like that phase of having a phone. Yeah. Have you done the cleaning? You a phone. Where I don't know why. Have you done the cleaning? You've done the- I tried to do the cleaning with my fingernail. Yeah, get the lint out of there. But it seems like-

With your fingernail. Get a fucking paperclip. Paperclip is too thick. I have to have something as thin and sharp and hard as my fingernail to get in there with a hook. That's not rigid enough. It's thin and it with a hook. That's not rigid enough. It's thin and it's sharp, but it's not rigid enough. It's plenty rigid.

It's actually too rigid. I have a- I've been snorting biotin for a year. My hair and my nails and my teeth are too hard. They're starting to crack. I look like a Chia Pet. But like it only, my phone only charges I'm becoming a cactus.

I'm shoving it. Yes, I have needles coming out of me. Well, here's another question for you. Here's another question for you. Are you, is this any charger at all? This is like chargers around the office or is this your home charger? It's the phone and it's the car.

It's like, I have to like press up into the phone for it to be like charging. It's the foam and it's the car. It's like, I have to like press up into the phone for it to be like charging. It's not great. Yeah, so it does sound like you need a new phone. It sounds like you need a new phone, but I do wish you would try cleaning it with a pin. No reason not to try. A bobby pin.

A bobby pin. Yes, because it has a soft rubber edge, so it's not gonna scratch the phone. It is thin because it's got the flat surface, and it is, yes, rigid, isn't it? Because it is metal, okay? It's got a little bit of give, but you want that spring, you want that scoop, and you want that, okay?

That hock-to-a. That hawk to a. That's right. You don't want to use your nail. That's not, that's not efficient or sufficient. Anyway, this is segments. An ever changing podcast hosted by Osam Amir. I am Josh. Should we do like PTI part in the interruption style,

like tell people what the segments are gonna be or is it more exciting to not know until like we're in it? That's a good question. Well, why don't we'll just ask right now. Why don't we test, we don't usually tell people the segments, right? Yeah. So let's give them a rundown today

and see if they like it or if they prefer to be surprised. Okay. Okay, so today we have got a DIY discussion. Yes. A home repair. Yes. And then and then we've got what was the second one? Oh, it's Gameboy. But for our personal emails, right Gameboy personal email style. And then the third is I've got another real lion or fake line, Jake and Amir. Yeah. Okay. Real lion or line lion Jake and Amir?

Yeah. Real lion or lion? Real lion. Cause lions we've never, yeah. Even I wonder if we've ever said lion on Jake and Amir. What do you think? I would assume so, but I can't really think of anything. I guess the question, all right,

I'll search the Jake and Amir script archive, which by the way, when you go to watch any of the videos, it's just an advertisement for dropout. So I wonder if we should fix that just because we do own the videos now. We can make them go anywhere we want. Okay. Wow.

Wow. There's a lot more mentions of Lion than I would have thought. Now we're playing Game Boy, but with the screenplay. That might actually be more fun by the way. So that's one, two, three, four, five, six. I'll tell you all of them. There's a lot. Jesus.

We've said Lion apparently in Pictionary, which came out in 2008, in Park, in DVD, and Interpreters Part Two, Cheer Up. In 2009, we said Lion twice in Las Vegas, and two months, two million interview. Uh-huh, that's classic. In 2010, we said it thrice, Private Eye part two with Ben. That's where he's the like park,

oh wait no, Private Eye. Yeah, that's different, of course. Private Eye part two, Muffin and Ransom. In 2011, we actually went absolutely nuts. We said lion one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11 times. 11 times in a year? Yeah, that's almost, I don't know.

It's like a quarter a year. Yeah. Okay, that was in ransom, 150,000 Facebook fans thank you video. When did we say it there? Let's just see. I bet this can't be right. Oh yeah.

It's like searching any LIO or something. Right, no, it's searching, the one that is tipping the scales is the word million. Oh yes. Which is probably why it shows up in the two months, two million interviews. No, that one did have a lion in it. Yeah, that makes more sense.

Yeah, there's, okay. Is there any way to search specifically lion? Honestly, no, but I'm gonna go through now. I'm going through and I'm gonna see if there's ever a time where, yeah, all of these are million. They're all million. Way more sense, right? Yeah, right? Now we need to know. Did we ever say lion?

Did we ever say lion? Cause there's another million. And there should be a billion or two in there too. Yeah, there was a billion. All right, stop talking. You're saying like a million different things. I say that at one point. Economic crisis too.

We already know it's, oh yeah, million, billion, and trillion in there. Texting, okay, $4 million with us, but they couldn't. Yeah, yeah, I think really is all million and not one lion. Let's find out. We're almost through all of these. Although you can't spell million without lion. Right, but now I'm just like, it's amazing.

Did we literally never say lion? I thought I couldn't remember one. That's why I was so shocked that this actually yielded so many results, but million makes more sense. Right, exactly. Oh, there we go. I found it. We finally actually said it.

Was it in a Ben Schwartz episode? No, it was in horoscopes. Oh yeah, inside I'm a lion or like emotionally I'm an ox or something like that. All right, so you say, you're reading from a newspaper, you will confront conflicts this month, but rest assured you can solve them. Maybe not through, maybe not though.

And then you say, that's vintage you. And I say, that's vintage anybody. No, and then you say, no, because the way it works is that you're a Leo. So that stars look like a lion and it knows that you're gonna, that you're how you're gonna act. I say, try not to learn new things. And then I make fun of you're gonna, that you're, how you're gonna act. I say, try not to learn new things.

And then I make fun of you by saying, the stars look like a lion and it shows how you're gonna act and then you say, yeah, they really do. They look like a lion. All right, so we did say multiple times in at least one video. Yeah, horoscope, that looks like a good video. I don't know if we've watched that on Jake and Amir watch,

but. Probably. Yeah, yeahoscope, that looks like a good video. I don't know if we've watched that on Jake and Amir watch, but. Probably. Yeah, yeah, probably. Okay, here's my home decor DIY week ahead. Okay, not a dilemma, this is a plan. Yes, it's a plan. It's not a dilemma yet, but maybe by next episode there'll be plenty of problems.

Have you ever installed wallpaper or paid somebody to install wallpaper in your house? I've actually never done wallpaper. Okay. Do you like wallpaper? I like it when I see it and somebody else has made a decision, but I think wallpaper is a stressful thing for me

because there's so many options. There are. And that was the hardest part about deciding to do a wallpaper. There's wallpapers in two of my walls already. Right, you like wallpaper. You're a wallpaper guy. Some people are wallpaper people.

Yeah, I like the way it looks. It's like a nice alternative to painting. Yeah. So the goal for our living room is to take down the TV, to put up wallpaper and then to replace that old TV with a frame TV. So it looks like a gallery wall in front of a wallpaper, but one of the paintings is a television.

So you're gonna have a full on gallery wall. You've got different paintings and pictures to put up there. Correct, right now it's just a white wall with like a 2015 Vizio mounted. I've seen the frame as part of the gallery wall. I think it's a good look, I like that. So that was part of Avital's birthday gift.

She wanted to turn the living room into less of a plain space. So I'm like, okay, I'll get the TV and then we can do the wallpaper and all that stuff together. Nice. So Samsung Frames TVs had a monopoly on the frame TV market up until last month.

Really? Yes. Did they have like- That was the first thing I learned. Why? Because there are no other TVs that look like matte art. So I thought like this was a whole part of the television game, but no,

Samsung for the last whatever, five, six, seven years, were the only game in town. Yeah. Was there a reason? And they were charging. Was it just because they were the only ones that knew how to do it? Yeah, or they're the ones that cared how to do it

because the TV itself is not as good as like a really nice TV that's like 4K, ULED, all the stuff I don't understand, really thin. It's not that great of a television, but it looks unlike any other TV, it looks like actual art. Right.

So, and instead of, you know, spending $1,000 on a 65 inch TV, the frame TV is like $2,000 because you know, when it's off, it looks like a painting. Right. No other TV could do that, supposedly, until this other television just launched last month. So I'm like, this is perfect timing. We're finally gonna pull a trigger on a frame TV.

And with all the complaints people have about the Samsung frame TV, there's a new game in town. It's cheaper, it's a brand called the High Sense. I guess it's this Chinese TV brand. Instead of $2,000, it's $1,300. And instead of having to run the Samsung software, which nobody seems to like, it has a Google software. So it's cheaper, it's better, and in theory,

and it comes with a frame, which the frame TV doesn't. So this is perfect. Oh yeah, right, okay. The problem is I still have my old TV on my wall. I still gotta take that down. We still had to choose the wallpaper. We still had to decide what kind of wallpaper. There's multiple kinds of wallpaper,

the design, the technique, all this stuff. So we finally figured all that stuff out. And as you search for wallpaper, every Instagram ad becomes for more wallpaper. And do you want textured wallpaper? Do you want stick wallpaper? Do you want blue wallpaper? So many options.

We actually did a peel and stick wallpaper in our bedroom during the pandemic. You did it yourselves? Yes. Interesting. It's giant sheets of sticker that you stick onto a wall, one column, then you shift over, do another column, lather, rinse, repeat, but those are stickers.

Right. The wallpaper we found isn't a sticker at all. It's old school wallpaper, which means you literally have to purchase wallpaper glue and paint it on the wallpaper or paint it on the wall. That sounds so hard. It does sound very hard and I haven't done it yet, but I've watched a lot of YouTube videos

of people doing it. And making it look easy. Very easy. These guys who have done it a thousand times can just fucking slap it on, exacto knife the edges, figure it out, line it up, no problem, no issue at all. And then everything I look into, it's like, all right, this is how you glue the wallpaper on the wall.

Some people will tell you to glue the wall. I prefer to glue the wallpaper. Some people will tell you to prefer the wallpaper. I tell you to do the wall. I hope, and then one of the comments is like, I hope you also talk about priming the wall. You gotta prime the wall before that. So I'm like, everything I-

Yeah, the wall's gotta be flat because otherwise what are you gonna do? Exactly. Yeah. Okay. And then everything I find opens up another door. It's like, it not just has to be flat, you have to spackle all the holes, but there's also something called a sizing. You want to sizer the wall.

I'm like, what the hell is that? Well, you know, the glue sticks to the paint and we can't have the glue directly touch the paint. So you gotta put a primer or a sizing, which is another layer that goes on the paint so that when the glue touches the wall, there's actually a middle man in between the two so that it helps stick,

and that when you take the wallpaper off, it doesn't destroy the wall. Oh God. Okay. I go to fucking like Home Depot, Boller Hardware, I start asking them all these questions like, yeah, well technically you do wanna do that, but you gotta do this, and you gotta to do this and you got to have a brush

and you got to have a sponge because the glue gets everywhere and you got to wash it off before it dries and you got to get the tarps so that when you glue it, it doesn't bleed through. I'm like, oh my God. So I have this whole plan ahead of me that I haven't even done yet. So hopefully by the time you guys hear this episode.

What are you planning to do it? Well, it has to happen in phases. I can't even do it all in one day. So where are you right now? Is the TV still on the wall? The TV doesn't exist. What do you mean? I burnt my house down.

I didn't want to buy the sizer. I didn't do the primer. I didn't do the wall. Yeah, right now I'm at square one. We actually, we've chosen the wallpaper, it's coming, but the old TV is still mounted on the wall. I've never unmounted a television. I've never mounted a television.

I've only like told people like handymen where to put it. Yeah, yeah. So you're gonna have to take the TV. Do you still have the receiver just stuck behind the television? Yes. So like I have the mount that's like three inches away from the wall and like everything is stuffed behind the wall like the cable box, the modem, the wires.

It's all just like hidden behind the television. That can't exist anymore. The frame is flush into the wall. Yeah. And you know the frame, it has a tiny little, a very tiny little wire. Yeah. Well that's, oh, that's another good thing

about the Hisense Canvas TV. The Frame TV does not have, the Canvas TV does not have a little wire. It does not have a one box. It's all within the television. That's, you know, I bought a Frame TV and returned it, right? Because of the one box.

Yeah, cause we bought it. We had like, we did our whole house renovation. Like there was a wall where the contractor's like, oh, you're gonna wanna put a TV there. You're gonna wanna put like an outlet there so you can mount a TV. And I was like, no, because I don't really want like all of the, like I don't want all of this stuff

down here. We just wanna have like the living room, no TV. And he was like, no, like let's just, you should just do it. You're gonna, trust me, you're gonna want it. he was like, no, like, let's just, you should just do it. You're gonna, trust me, you're gonna want it. Few months in, we're like, okay, maybe we are glad we did it, let's go, let's get the frame TV, cause it's just gonna sit there and we won't even notice it.

It'll be like art and sometimes we could like watch sports or soccer. Which is where I'm at. And then I, but then we, and we went to the Samsung store, we saw them and we're like, oh, this is great. Let's, let's get it. So we got it. And I was too nervous to touch anything in my house.

I had a task rabbit come over to mount this frame TV. Yeah, which is what I'll be resorting to when I fail to do it myself. He takes it out of the box. He's like, all right, so the TV is gonna go here. And he's like, and where do you want the box to go? And I was like, oh, I don't want that to go anywhere. I thought it was a TV.

I thought it was all contained within the frame itself. Well, no, it's the frame. It looks like a picture frame. Then of course there's a wire and a box. So how does it look like a picture frame? Yeah, that's the monitor, but there still needs to be a computer. And with a high sense canvas TV,

the monitor and the computer is like an iPad, it's all in one. I'm actually thrilled to hear about this. Well, there are no reviews for this TV because it just came out last month. So if I was able to figure all this stuff out, I'll let you know. Yeah, let me know if you like it.

Let me know if you like it. I bought a Google TV and I hate it. So I'm curious to see if yours is better running on the Google platform. Yeah, I mean, everybody has pros and cons, highs and lows for any television. So as long as we get used to it, I'm hoping it works out. But then framing, or like, once I do all this wallpaper,

which I don't even know if I could do, putting that TV up on the wall, it has its own like infrastructure and all this stuff. And it's like, oh, you're gonna, since you can't hide the cable box and the internet, you gotta like literally build it into the wall. Like have you ever seen this? Like you have to literally carve into the wall

and put a media cabinet in there behind the frame TV. It's a real, it's a to do. It's a lot. That sounds great, honestly. Yeah. It sounds really nice. I don't even know if you could frame a TV into wallpaper, quite frankly.

I just assume it'll work. Yeah, I'm sure it'll be fine. But you're gonna have to take the TV off, and then you're gonna have to, are you gonna spackle it? Are you gonna prime it? Yeah, I gotta spackle. You guys never spackled.

Yeah, I'm gonna have to spackle, sand it down, and then put the primer on, whatever,ackled. Yeah, I'm gonna have to spackle, sand it down and then put the primer on whatever, like another invisible layer so that when the glue gets on the wall, it doesn't touch the wall. I don't really understand fully what's going on. I've almost never done a home project that went well. I don't think I've ever, ever done one. Because it's all your first time doing it.

Nobody's first time nails it. You have to do it a hundred times. And then it's like, now I'm used to it. It took me a decade, truly a decade. Like now I know how to use drywall screws. It took me such a long time to even understand the concept behind drywall screws. That's like the plastic one that you screw the screws into.

Yeah, you have to like drill into the wall. Then you hammer the plastic screw and then you can put like a screw in. But that's, I've only gotten, I've only been able to do that because I was like mounting stuff inside of a closet. So I was a little less like scared. But I feel like, yeah, my last apartment I like

was trying to, you know like one of those cool swing lights? I was like, oh, I'm gonna try to mount this myself. How hard can it be? I'm just gonna like, just, I have, I cleared my afternoon. I was like, I have nothing to do today. I'm gonna get this thing mounted and Jill will be so happy

because she'll come home and it's gonna look so nice. I did all the measurements. I started, I did like the drywall screw. I like hammered it in and just like instantly, the drywall was like the size of a quarter. It's like I can't I can't troubleshoot anything. I can watch a YouTube video. I knew perfectly One thing goes wrong. I'm dead. Yeah, absolutely. That's why I instantly called our super and I was like, I'm scared sir I don't know what I did.

I ruined your building. It was so annoying because he was always happy to come up and do, do everything, but he never liked to just do it. He liked me to be there so we could explain the entire time. Like I was ever going to learn anything. Well, that's what I want to do with this wallpaper. Like I can hire somebody to do it, but it's like $700. Yeah. And I'm like, okay, I think I can sort of do it myself.

But then it's like, I want like a friend who's done it before to do it with me. Right, that's ideal, a favor. Cause like already, the $700 person, they come with the brush, the glue, the spackle. You've probably spent $200 on material already. Exactly. And it's multiple people.

I don't think they do it by themselves. I'm just me. How am I gonna take a TV off a wall? It's kind of heavy. Right. No, yeah, you're gonna need a billy. At least two, right? To like hold the TV while I unscrew.

Like that's seems dangerous. Well, you know, the TV is like on hooks. You just need two people to lift it off the hook. Yeah. And then you're gonna lean it against need two people to lift it off the hook. Yeah. And then you're gonna lean it against the couch. And then I take the mount off. And then you'll see the bracket. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Then you're gonna spackle those. Then you'll prime those. Then you're gonna need a sizer. And then you'll do some glue on the wall. Some people say wallpaper, but I say wall. Honestly, a video of us doing this would be good content, but you don't live in LA, so I can't wait for that. Yeah, a video of us doing this would be good content, but you don't live in LA so I can't wait for that.

Yeah, a video of you doing it's going to be even better actually. I'm going to try. You should be an Instagram Liver. But now I need a fourth person. Yeah, somebody actually shooting it, somebody helping me, somebody then me doing, trying to do everything. You know who's good at it? I got to sell the TV.

Jill's dad is actually good at it. Oh really? Yeah, he's a good wall, he's, I mean, he's pretty handy, but he's specifically, he's like very good at doing wallpaper. He does all of the wallpaper. Yeah, cause him and they like have a house in Palm Springs that they like renovate and they, he does the wallpaper.

Ask him if he draws his plum lines with pencil or uses a laser. I will, I will, I will. And it does need to be plum. Yeah, and it needs to be sizable. Which I found out recently means perfectly vertical. Otherwise your wallpaper will be installed askew. Exactly, exactly.

Exactly. So look forward to the update in a week when I realize really quickly I'll have to hire somebody for more than $700 now because now they have to undo all the things that I fucked up. In addition to doing the things that I want. Yeah, it will be more expensive than the original quote. Yes, and I don't know how to mount the Canvas TV. Oh no. I do not know how to mount that at all.

Right. All right. That's just good to take inventory of what you're spending your cash on, where it's all going. It's scary, but it's very helpful. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds those unwanted subscriptions and cancels it. And then it can also monitor your spending and help lower your bills going forward. A lot of these places don't necessarily make it super easy and convenient to cancel. They don't often tell you that you're getting billed cause they kind of

like the idea that you forgot about the recurring charges. That's half their business, quite honestly. Right. And it's not just us. Rocket Money has over 5 million users saving a total of $500 million in cancel subscriptions. Amazing. That's an average saving of $740 a year, sheesh. No, not bad. So stop wasting money on things you don't use and cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash segments.

Exactly. That's rocketmoney.com slash segments and start saving cash as soon as humanly possible. Right on. Saving cash is the best way to make cash because you're no longer losing it. Yeah, exactly. Cash and in cash is king we should say. Exactly right.

So thank you to Rocket Money. Thank you to BetterHelp for sponsoring this episode of our show. Right on. Jake, I don't know if your schedule is ever packed with kids' activities, work projects and more, and you've sort of let your priorities slip. Could be, maybe possibly. So if you find yourself extra stress or extra anxious for whatever reason, the best way to deal with this and unpack these emotions is with speaking to a

professionally licensed therapist. And the best way to do that is with better help. Oftentimes you feel like you have no time for yourself, but therapy helps you sort of deal with all of that stress, all of that anxiety, and helps you just manage it in a better way. I've used therapy and it's been very helpful. Yes, indeed. Indeed it has.

So if you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try because it's entirely online. It's designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable to your schedule. And it's incredibly affordable. You just fill out a questionnaire, you get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge.

Gorgeous. So never skip therapy day with better help. Just go to betterhelp.com slash segments today to get 10% off your first month. Boom. That's better help. H E L P dot com slash segments segments, better help. H E L P dot com slash segments. Segments better help. H E L P dot com slash segments. You'll get 10% off your first month.

And more importantly, you'll get some help dealing with the everyday stress and anxiety of this crazy thing we call life. Exactly. I mean, can anything go right? It seems. What things better help. Exactly. I mean, can anything go right? It seems. What? Things better help. All right, we're back.

Hello, hello. While we wait for my primer to dry, we came up with the idea of Gameboy, who's our old friend from the previous podcast we did. Oh. That's right. In which we try to search our emails for a word that only yields one result.

One result. And then we'll read that email. Hopefully it's a fun personal email. Yes, lion would probably work because it looked like the majority of them were a million. We only found one lion. That's actually true. So do you want to start or should I for guessing?

You'll guess a word that I have to search in my Gmail and vice versa. Why don't you, you guess for my email. Okay. I'll guess maybe something kind of salacious and see if it yields something funny. Yeah. So you're not trying to get down to one email you're trying to search.

I mean, I also don't know why you would search this in your Gmail. Ejaculate or something. Yeah. See if I ever had really bad, uh, cyber sex. Uh, we're not counting spam email, right? Cause that'll yield a lot of, we're looking for personal emails Cyber sex. We're not counting spam email, right? Cause that'll yield a lot of, we're looking for personal emails sent to you or you sent. Precisely, precisely. We'll have to get rid of the spam.

Cause when I archive it, I don't know if it still shows up in the searches. Yeah, we'll find out. Let's search. Let's do moisture. Moisture? Just moisture. Moisture.

Have you ever sent or received an email that said moisture? About moisture. Wow, it looks like I got one from you on June 5th. Two weeks ago? Hey, how's your moisture? Don't ask me why. It was an ad that we read on this podcast.

My line is, not sure how or when you got that idea. Actually for legal reasons, I may shift gears entirely. Moisture wicking shirts available at cost. Oh yeah. I guess I did send you an email recently that say moisture. Does it yield a thousand results? Does it show a scam? Is that what it is? Yeah, it's say moisture. Does it yield a thousand results? Does it show a spam? Is that what it is?

It's many, many. It looks like- That was a bad one. Yeah, moisture. Cause it's during our home renovation, it looks like there's lots of moisture talk. Yeah, a lot of issues with moist. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Why don't you go- Several pages of moisture. Lots of moisture. Several pages of moisture. Lots of moisture. Almost too much moisture. Okay, why don't we say, you know, we don't wanna say boner. So I wanna say,

okay, let's look at. This is hard, cause I've also had Gmail for 20 years. Yeah, exactly. I don't know if it's all in here though. Oh, how about inconceivable? Because that's like an email where you might be irate. Like inconceivable, like this is insane to me. This is crazy to me. That's like, I'm pretty mad, but this is inconceivable

is like, I'm actually fucking livid. Okay. Wow, that's pretty good. There's six. Wow. Yeah. That is good. Six, I mean, it's definitely the leader in the clubhouse. First one is spam, second one is spam, third one is spam.

Fourth one is an email about somebody planning a birthday. Oh no, somebody wanting to go to Sinispia in 2017. The fourth one is a Mike Hardes lemonade pre-roll script from 2014. Nice. Cause it also searches attachments. Right, okay.

And the first email I got that was inconceivable is from you. No way. It was an email you forwarded me actually. Yes, it was an email between you and Jake Laudwick in 2011. Wow, that's so old. It was an email between you and Jake Laudwik in 2011. Wow, that's so old. Yes. It's about, oh, this is interesting actually.

It's like CH history. So it's an email between Ricky and Jake Laudwik. And then I guess he forwarded it to you. Laudwik did? And then you forwarded it to me. Wow, is it gossip? Is it to you? Ladwik did? And then you forwarded it to me. Wow, is it gossip? Is it salacious? It's like half, it's like businessy stuff

where it's like, CH is funding their prank war videos starting with the last one where they went to LA. We only recently moved them from Vimeo to CH, which probably explains why not all of them are tagged. It's like about putting prank videos on CollegeHumor. Like would, oh, here we go. Yeah, this is exactly like the origin of Jake and Amir.

Jesus. No way. Well, look at this treasure trove. Inconceivable. It actually, it's an email. I knew I'd find some fucking dirt. I knew it. So this is where inconceivable. It actually, it's an email. I knew I'd find some fucking dirt. I knew it. So this is when inconceivable starts.

Which by the way, the first three were spam and you said we were ignoring. So I basically got three emails. Yeah. So this is an email from Jake Laudewick in 2007 to Ricky. 2007. Yeah. Jeff and Amir's tastes and captions are great.

He's talking about Jeff Rubin and me, but it's just icing on the cake. What if CH was known for having five original videos per day and not just one off like mementos? Remember the college humor video we made about mementos, like a real life mementos ad? Right. But quick funny shorts featuring the hilarious guys.

It's really not inconceivable. It would have to have the recurring appeal of serial programs mixed with real lifeness of reality TV. Of course, they'd be playing heightened versions of themselves, but it would still be all of you very authentic. So it's like video strategy between Ricky and Jake talking about whether these-

That was Jake to Ricky? Yeah, that was Jake Laudewick to Ricky. And then Ricky says, talking about Jake and Amir, I like their Trustfall video too. I wonder if CH users would as well. We can put it on CH and test it. Remember Trustfall? I have chills.

That's crazy. It really is insane. It's inconceivable. So we just were making, we've always, it's always been part of our oral history. We're like, well, we started making videos for fun and then we put them on College Humor. But this is like, you know what?

Sometimes your history just kind of becomes like something you say all the time and you actually forget it. Like we literally did just like, we made these videos for Vimeo. Oh, interesting. So this, yeah, and this thread is from 2007, but Jake Laudwick forwarded it to you in 2011.

Oh, maybe to- And then you responded, Jesus, this is so crazy to read. Thanks for having our back. Wow. So, so he was must, maybe he told me somewhere like at a party or something that he was the one that pushed it.

That's right. So it's like, by the way, like I'm the one who like told Ricky and Josh to put your stuff on CollegeHumor. Yeah, I could see that. Before that it was just on Vimeo. Wow, that's wild. That is genuinely crazy.

Yeah, and it's an email there from 2007. Yeah, because it was Ricky that reached out to us and was like, do you want to put these on CollegeHumor? Right? That's right. Wow. Wow, wow, wow. And Ricky.

They talk about like the Michael Showalter show and all that stuff. That's amazing. Jake Laudwick says, have you guys watched Streeter and Amir's non-prank war stuff on Vimeo? It's pretty consistently funny. Why aren't they making videos for CollegeHumor?

I think they should have no budget and simply be responsible for one video each workday. They could put it on the homepage. It doesn't have to be a Vimeo tie-in. Yeah, he's just like, just giving them an idea. Just like, you guys should do videos on CollegeHumor. And he was right. Well, before 2007, like, the CollegeHumor was viral videos.

It was like a guy getting hit with a shovel at a party. Yeah, and articles. So this is like, this is basically, he, I don't know, he had the idea for like Vine. Yeah, just like, just tell him to shoot funny shit in the office and we'll put it on the homepage. Yeah, I mean, cause to us, I remember videos were like, I mean, they were very high effort,

like to do anything on a video. Now it's nothing, but like, a CollegeHumor original took like several months to make. Yeah, like the Mementos ad was like highly produced, but like me, you and Streeter, like wasn't there like, one where like Streeter was doing a character, and he was like on the fire escape, like pretending to masturbate

in front of all of New York City or something. I think that one was before my time. I remember that video, but it was before I got there. Yeah. All right, wow. It's gonna be hard to top inconceivable. Yeah, man, good luck. With the fruitful yield of that

really salacious conversation. Inconceivable. I assume we can read all these emails, because they're 17 years old at this point. I think so, I think so. I want you to search, sponge cake. Two words, but in quotations, so it has to be one thing. Just search sponge cake.

Two words, but in quotations, so it has to be one thing. Quotation sponge space cake, end quote. Okay, so I have eight emails. Okay, that's pretty good. It looks like all of them are from lonely and horny scripts. So because we wrote it into a script, enough drafts pass through your email eight times that it's all from that.

Sponge cake. Right, and it's with you and this, we mentioned this last week, Ruby and Tag, the line is, please do drop it. I'm gonna eat a massive dinner tonight, glazed pheasant in the Scottish fashion, rabbit and carrot stew, and East German sponge cake and wash it down with a bottle of brandy wine.

I will undo what you did and more. I did not want to feel good or happy. Oh, what a jerk. That's the only email with Spongecake? Yes. Well, there's, you know, there's eight of them, but they're all, they're scripts. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. All right. Getting closer. Not quite the oner. So two, two words is on the table. Yeah. Obviously you broke the rule. One phrase or term. So I will...

Search white discharge. I will search you, the word, the phrasing is... You slut. I will search the phrasing, how dare you? The phrasing is quote dare you? The phrasing is, quote, you. Ruined. Space, passionately. You passionately.

No results, yeah. Fuck. You're just hoping to find some sort of romantic. Yeah. I love you passionately. I want to fuck you passionately. I guess you don't really have that, that heart in you. I'll go right back to you then. Quote you passionately for you.

That's not fair. Let's see what you got. I will look it up because I'm curious, but you can't do the same thing. The no, No, none. Well, well, well. If it isn't the pot calling the kettle passionately. Okay.

Two words is on the table. Okay, I got one. Fine. Broken promise, two words. Oh my God, broken promise. That's so fucking sad. Please no results. Thank God.

One result from NRDC insider. Broken promise, a grave mistake. Trump's reckless move on Paris from June 2017. From the NRA. Yeah. Okay, right back on you. Broken Promise. Wow.

Here we go. I guess it does sound a little too poetic. Yeah, one from Planned Parenthood and one from the DNC headquarters. Broken Promise was when you requested all of your donated money to Planned Parenthood back, right? Hey, I did this for like a tax thing, but now that it's January, I was wondering.

And now that I got the write off, I'm wondering if I can have the cash back. It doesn't seem like you have anything to fight for anyway. All right, whose turn is it? Mine, hot sex. Hot sex. Hot sex. Hot space sex. Hot space sex.

15, a lot of them lonely and horny episodes indeed. Damn it. Can be amazing sex. Okay. Jake and Amir. We're getting some Jake and Amir scripts. We're getting some old college humor scripts. Interns? Half birthday sex. We're getting some Jake Neumir scripts. We're getting some old college humor scripts.

Half birthday sex, movie ideas. Yeah, nothing salacious. You sure? For you all do, quote, really fun time, end quote. That's three? That's like, you're looking for like a breakup one? Now we're just trying to search ways to embarrass one another. Just search really fun time, but ultimately end quote.

Search my ex-girlfriend's name. It doesn't really, yeah, nothing really. No quote really fun time? No, I mean there are really fun times, there's just nothing salacious. There's like a recommendation for stuff to do in Sydney, reservation for a mountain, for looks like a Airbnb maybe. Oh yeah, Airbnb.

Jake and Amir, kind of funny. It looks like we had a meeting with a production company in 2015. Did we ever sell that idea, I wonder? I don't know what it was. Yeah, oh, it looks like it was just me. I wonder what- What the hell?

Yeah, that's interesting. Hey, don't tell them you're this. Yeah, no, there's nothing there. Breaking up with me. All one sentence? All one sentence crying. Breaking up with me. Breaking up with me.

Yeah, I mean, there's a lot of forwarded emails from our, if I were you, Gmail. Oh, yeah, there you go. Yeah, and scripts, a lot of scripts that were sent back and forth. Okay, let's try to go back to the one word, one word for each of us. Inconceivable was good.

Inconceivable was perfect. Like a rare word rather than a phrase. Surprisingly, surprisingly. Okay. Surprisingly. Too many, way too many. How about unsurprisingly? Okay, a little better.

51. That's pretty bad. Still not as good as inconceivable. Yeah, inconceivable goaded. Okay, give me one more. Okay, I'll get one more each. Black magic, all one word. Black magic.

It's a B&H order confirmation. Black magic camera, yeah. But is it at least one email? It is two emails actually. There's also one from The Gap. Okay, because you got a black magic set. Black pants, I guess? Introducing the premium black pants.

Okay. Love bunny. One last word. Love bunny, all one word. Love bunny. Love bunny. All one word. Love bunny. Love bunny. I can't imagine. Yeah, neither can I.

Yeah, it's not happening. Fine. Inconceivable was perfect. Inconceivable was the goat. We got there early. It yielded a great result. Yeah. So don't be upset.

That that's gonna happen. You know, it just shows you how this is all fully improvised. We don't know what it's gonna yield until it happens. And sometimes the best stuff happens right, right as soon as we start the game. That's gonna happen. That's gonna happen. Okay, let's take another break.

Come back with our last segment. A game. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show segment. A game. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. That's correct. What's better than Squarespace for creating a professional looking website, portfolio, online store.

Jake, you name it, Squarespace can do it, and you've done it. Many times over to great success, let me remind you. What have you used Squarespace for? Wedding website, product website, personal website. It is just, it's your one-stop shop, okay? For mom and pop. Exactly.

You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. That's right. Are you familiar? Yes, yes indeed. I was actually searching for domain names earlier. Do you know the term fly a kite? Like you can go fly a kite? No. Really?

Well, then you're gonna love. Fly a bike. I've never heard of flyakite.com. Wait, what is it? Fly a bike? Flyakite.com. You can fly a kite. Why don't you?

Fly a kite, I said. Fly a kite. Fly a kite, you can fly a bike. You really can't fly a kite, fly a kite, you can fly a bike. It's kind of- You really can't fly a bike. Yeah, well if you're riding it really fast. I mean, you're being an absolute moon raisin. Is it moon raisin or is it absolutemoonraisin.com?

Moon raisin.com. And is absolute moon raisin available? Taken. Because that's the more famous phrase. Yes. Once I use it. It's like fly a bike. On the show.

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So it's squarespace.com slash segments. Try it out for free. And then when you're ready to launch, if you want to purchase a website, a domain, whatever, you can get 10% off. If you use that coupon code segments. Namaste, thank you. Have a good one. See you later, moon raisins.

Thank you to Helix for sponsoring this episode of our show. Yeah, baby. Jake, you sleep on a Helix mattress. You understand that it's the goat. I do. I've been saying they are the goat for a long time now and I believe it. And you only have one of their 20 unique mattresses.

Imagine what else is going down on that line. I do want to try to collect them all. Have all 20 of them in different rooms of a giant mansion, sleep in one per night and figure out which one is the best. Or in all in the same room. Giant mansion, just roll over throughout the night onto a new mattress.

I mean, that's the dream. When I was a kid, I thought maybe a floor of a house can just be a trampoline. This is the closest version of that. Yeah, yes, yes. And you know how Helix knows which mattress was perfect for you? Because you took that quick and easy,

simple to complete, few questions, little sleep quiz. You must be talking about a different test, but I think we are talking about the same mattress company. I took a test, I took an exam. Yeah, it's a little sleep quiz. You answer a different test, but I think we are talking about the same mattress company. I took a test, I took an exam. Yeah, it's a little sleep quiz. You answer a few questions, you sleep on your side. You like, are you hot or cold? The mattress SAT, that's right.

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And we're back. Yes, we are. And it's time for Real Line, Fake Line, Come Edition. What? or real line, fake line, cum edition. What? The word that I am focusing on is every time we said cum in a Jake and a mirror. Okay. And that's, is it more or less than million?

It's less than million. They're, you know, the Hootie Allen videos go without saying. We said it at the time. Harvard cum, yeah. Yeah said it at the time. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. First line, get off your high horse, you low dog.

Who amongst us hasn't come in a bath? Never said that. That's correct. You never did say that. High horse and low dog had me thinking. It's pretty good, right? Yeah, it definitely sounds like something I once said and forgot about.

Yeah, I should have done something better with that second line. All right, next line. She's gonna come, she's gonna come. You love her, she's gonna camp. You love her. Ha ha ha ha. I'll say that's real from like a table read video.

It's not from a table read video. It is from Jake and Amir pushup contest. Ha ha ha. That's right. Ha ha ha. Yup and down, yup and down. Yeah, then you start, I guess, talking, there's some erotic fantasy of yours.

While you're doing pushups, everyone's like, yeah, urging their partner on, and then everyone sort of starts getting quiet while I'm yelling erotic fan fiction at you. You love her, you're inside each other. It was like all about simultaneously coming at somebody. Is this forever? Forever isn't long enough. Pretty good.

Okay, number one, it's fun to come, especially if it helps you get some. Yeah, that could be a scroll. Number one, it's fun to come. Number one, it's fun to come. Number one, it's fun to come, especially if it helps you get some. I'll say that's not true, fake line. Damn.

It's not true. I thought it was extra dumb because since winter's coming, help you get any. Yeah, I mean, that is something I would put in a scroll about butt-chugging or something, but I guess, yeah, it's okay. Said like Captain Jack Sparrow, where's the cum gone?

Like where's the rum gone? Yes. Where's the cum gone? I think that's also never been said, fake line. That's correct, never been said, fake line. That's correct, never been said. Yes. Never been said.

Perfect so far. You are. Okay, then you say, let's just play mad libs, or as I call them, happy libs, because they make me cum. I think that's true. I think that's a real line. Cause you go, they make me and then you say happy

and I go come. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. That's exactly right. Yes. We say it simultaneously. So yeah.

Simultaneous orgasm. Holding mad libs. Okay. Let's just play mad libs or as I call them happy libs because they make me simultaneous with me. You say come, I say happy. Then after a short pause, you say happy. You nailed it.

Final come based question. Okay. This is for the perfect score, never happened before. Okay, that's very hot. I might lose a little come myself. Oh, that's real. Yeah, that's very hot. I might lose a little cum myself. Oh, that's real. Yeah, that's from... I think that is from one of the table read episodes,

isn't it? That's exactly correct. From the table read. Yeah. You got every single cum baseline. I guess they're just more memorable like that. Yeah, exactly. Or unmemorable based on the ones.

Although there were a few fake ones that I definitely thought were real. Whereas the cum gone, I really thought was gonna get you. Yeah, that definitely sounds like something if we haven't used it, we can easily do it of walking into like the AVN awards, dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow.

With your dick out, blurred. Where's the cum gone? With the something about Mary hair. Apple Jack Sparrow. Your dick out, blurred. With the something about Mary hair. All right, solid. I'm just realizing this episode comes out on your birthday. Oh, wow. We should have been. Yeah, your birthday is on a Monday, August 5th. Yeah, today is my birthday then.

A Monday birthday. Do you know how you'll celebrate? You know, I was actually born on a Monday, August 5th. Yeah, today is my birthday then. A Monday birthday, do you know how you'll celebrate? You know, I was actually born on a Monday. I was born on Monday, August 5th, 1985. Interesting. So this is, I thought it happens in seven year cycles, but this is your 39th birthday. Yeah. Maybe it was a leap year or two in there

that nudged it along further. Exactly, it must be. Do you celebrate the weekend before? Do you do something the night of? I'm not like a big birthday celebration guy. So I think I'll do, I always like to just do like a family dinner the night of my birthday. Maybe I'll do-

Monday night. My vision was that I wanna do a 39 mile bike ride. So it's like I ride for a mile for every year. And aside from that, I just wanna hang out with my baby, my dog and my wife. The big three. I'm a fucking loser. Yeah.

Yeah, not even your fucking brother. Well, I'll go on the bike ride with Micah. That's awesome. Yeah. It'd be funny if if you take an epic fucking spill on mile 38, like you fucking Superman or whatever it's called. And you literally and figuratively never make it to 39. Do you know what I mean?

I was gonna say literally and figuratively eat shit. Like you fucking, your wheels get like in one of those like cracks. Superman, Superman that hoe, I don't poo. And then I'm, I'm mounding. And then like into fucking manure. Where like it literally, it is in you by the end. Eating.

Yeah, like almost like you swallow it out of a Pavlovian reflex to shit being in your mouth. What are you gonna get me for my birthday? What gift are you gonna get me for my birthday? I got you a gift. What gift will you get me? What did you get me? I can't remember now, but I think I got you something.

Oh, you got me tennis lessons that I didn't use. That's right, that's right. I did get you tennis lessons that I didn't use. That's right, that's right. I did get you tennis lessons that you didn't use. That means you didn't get me anything because I never took the lessons. I spent the cash. You never got charged. It was not cash. I Venmo'd him. It was not. Get that money back.

He absolutely did not fulfill his promise. He did not. Well, you didn't fulfill the promise. He did not pay in kind. I paid in kind. You didn't give your time. Venmo request, full refund. How about I personally request that you go get the tennis lessons? Cause you're not a pro.

You're not a pro. Shift it over to a TaskRabbit to help me put the wallpaper. To help me mount the TV. Yes. It's too heavy to remove. I need the prime, cause I am past my prime. I don't have the tools.

I don't have the wherewithal to get it done. And I need help. Is that too much to ask? No, I have a couple of things that I would like so you can text me on the side, on the sly. I'll let you know. I'll send you, I'll make an Amazon wish list. How about that?

I saw that. Your OnlyFans already had one of those. Yeah. Have you been getting those? Have those been coming in? Nobody. So my OnlyFans I heard is in the bottom one person. It's like the least subscribed to OnlyFans and it is free.

It's free to subscribe. And it's all, I'm just trying to build that base so I can charge on a per message basis. Like, unlock this photo. Yeah, yeah. But I can't gain a subscriber, I can't get, so I also got traffic data from my Amazon wishlist. It's never been visited, not even clicked on.

So I guess no one's horny. Yeah, I mean, I click on it all the time, visited, not even clicked on. Not even by you? So I guess no one's horny. To see if the link works? Yeah, I mean, I click on it all the time, but I think it logged my IP address before it was like actually, so it's not like counting towards a unique impression. All that's on there is a a Razor Scooter. It just says a scrub daddy.

Yeah. A scrub dad. A latex suit with a ball gag and a Razor Scooter, so I can make some really hot content. Don't make me invest in myself because I don't want to go already more in the red than I actually am. I paid someone to set up this OnlyFans.

I paid someone to design this. Yes, I should have done it. I should have used Squarespace. I really should have used Squarespace. Okay, all right, that's it. I should have done it. I should have used Squarespace. I really should have used Squarespace. Okay, all right. That's it. That's your birthday episode. I don't know how many episodes have come out

on your actual birthday, but this might be a once in a lifetime event. Yeah, it's pretty exciting. We should have had an entire segment based on like, my oral history or my favorite birthdays or what I want, what makes me happy, how I feel about aging. There was so much to unpack and discuss and it would have been a nice time

for people to reflect about me, but instead they're gonna listen to this whole episode. You're turning 40 on Monday, not 39. So I lied about my age to try to drive up subscribers on my OnlyFans. Yeah, cause once you're over 40, you're technically a DILF. Right. And like that puts me in this fucking category.

That I can't compete with. Yeah, the DILFs, the DILFs are- They're as dad bods. Yeah. I'm not there. And I have a sad bod. Yeah. All right. Thank you for listening. Thank you for watching. Of course, we're on YouTube as always,

and we're still on Patreon, patreon.com slash J.A. watching and sometimes writing Jake and Amir videos. That's right, and actually all I want for my birthday is for you to subscribe to the Patreon. Me? Yeah. Fine. That's awesome.

This sucks though. $4.99, oh my God. Now we're splitting your money. Now we're splitting hairs. And we'll be back next week, which will I guess be August 12th, somebody else's birthday probably. Hope so.

All right, ciao for now everybody. Bye. That was a Hidgum original.