If I Were You - 401: The Godfather

Episode Date: September 23, 2019

In this episode we discuss flirtatious dads and depressed teens. We also debut a new potential segment!For more advice, check out our Patreon for bonus Thursday video episodes.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

I think I'm doing okay but I want your advice Am I a dick? Am I a dick or am I right? I can't pretend I don't care I need to know what to do Do you think I deserve this? I'd like to seize the cheese Now I need you to juice I'm trying to decide it Am I right or am I wrong? When you read this call me Crandis In my Coy Diva song If you praise me I'll be chuffed, I'll be chased If you hate me

I'll burn my me and ease Dora, Dora, Dora, Dora, Dora, Dora, Dora The music came from something else and then he kind of tweaked the language to the verbiage basically to be about our show, kind of You're being such an asshole that you tweaked it so, so much It was full of inside jokes What did he say? Crandis? Yeah, that's not in the original

What are you talking about? Yeah, no, it's not in the original I'm a dick, dude, that part is the same, right? I'm a dick or am I right? Yeah It's different, it's fully different What does the email say? Why don't we see like Yeah, the email was like, I kind of changed the song but not really

No way, no fucking way he said that You're twisting it to your purpose You want it verbatim? Yeah My name is Nick Goldston and I'd like to give a huge shout out to Jake for being so good looking and honestly pretty chill He deserves every golden mic he's ever won

Oh, so I see So you're being an asshole to him You're like, you're projecting, you're feeling insecure and now you're trying to belittle him by saying the song wasn't that good but the song was really good, it was objectively great Day one earned big fan Okay, so that's really nice Of what?

Well, I guess he said that I was really good looking so I suppose he's a really big fan of me and I mean our show, so by proxy in a way he's a fan of you even though Let's start from the top and I'll choose a different song It's not gonna because people will be like, they just played a real song We don't have a lot of time, we heard a song

we should just jump into the episode or something But this is the beginning of the next 400 episode chunk Ever to start off in this weird sour note because of whatever, Dick Goldstein What do you mean start up? You've been sour for years and years It's not like we've had it perfect and then episode 400 you turn into a little bit of a needling

Yeah, a diva Dickling ass, man I'm thinking of being a little more of a A roto boy I think this is gonna be my diva century Right, I mean you've always been a diva But now I'm sort of embracing my freak flag Diva

Yeah, I want my diva flag to flow for like the next hundred spots I want your diva flag to fly limp It's half masked And half cocked Half hard This is a fire you, the only advice podcast on the web Hosted by us, I'm Amir Dick, you know 400 episodes and Head Gum is four

Wow It's kind of interesting We had our four year anniversary party last night Last night? Yeah, so this is the beginning of Head Gum's fifth year and the beginning of our 500th episode Which is kind of a coincidence We don't do 100 episodes a year

Right, that's a beautiful coincidence that overtakes me with nostalgia and melancholy in a way I'm sorry to hear that It's a powerful realization Why? That makes me feel small in its presence How many episodes of D&D? That's a good question

I think like 80, 79 or 80 But those 79 episodes have more hours than if I were you Because every episode is four and a half hours long, right? We do do a lot of like over two hour episodes There we go, so it's like double Yeah, still not quite 400 Not quite 400 We got a bunch of segment ideas

In our last episode we were talking about how this podcast even came to be And then started brainstorming possible segment ideas So we wanted to pilot some out today Yeah, well we got some good ones actually I don't know if we do it now or like we save it till later Let's do it after the break But let's do the bibliography Okay, so the bibliography is some questions obviously

One or two Then we are going to take a break Come back segment idea So instead of unsolicited advice It's a nice soothing way to like If you're on your commute, if you're washing dishes This is what's going to happen on the podcast Okay

Don't fall asleep at the wheel But this should lull you into a stupor Where you sort of zone out not of a commute Okay So we'll be answering two questions that have to do with Dads Dads Two dad related questions

And then we'll be taking a quick break Thinking some sponsors Okay Coming back Yeah, I already said this part You don't have to like Now we're rehashing my rehash I want to like do the set up the scene

Content Okay You called it a bibliography earlier Which I don't think is correct That goes at the end of the episode It's like work cited Right, yeah No, it's a table of contents

So let's Obviously that'll all be edited out Hold on On the day Every mistake is kept in On the day Alright, so like just to recap The table of contents

To recap what I'm going to try to say what we'll be discussing today And you keep on interrupting me Being like Alright It's not called the table of contents And actually it is called the table of contents I said it's not called the bibliography

You said it was a bibliography No, I did not say it was a bibliography You're going to have to edit that bibliography You should probably edit that out I'm not editing anything out It's all staying in Everything is in We'll be answering two dad related questions

Yeah, we already said that Going to a quick Yes, we know the break And it'll come back And we'll do a segment But then we'll come back By the way, we're running out of time I don't know if we'll be able to do this stuff

We'll come back We'll do unsub Because you keep saying table of contents Can I get through this without being interrupted? Yeah We're going to answer two Don't start with the dad questions Do not start with the dad questions

Okay I just want to get through without being interrupted Is it the only thing? Yes We'll be starting with two dad related questions Then we'll be going to a commercial break Where we'll thank a sponsor You're staring daggers at me

It's like the same as interrupting Okay Alright Take it from where you thought I was staring daggers at you From the fucking jump We'll be answering two dad questions We're going to answer two fucking dad questions

We're going to take a break Maybe We have to go to break now, actually Yeah Obviously And no more segment ideas Oh You don't remember my microphone just broke

That's okay Yep That's alright Head gum has fallen apart at the seams at four That's okay We weren't built to last Four years old The time at which most businesses crumble

Alright, here's a fun one This guy moved from Florida to Wisconsin So we'll call him Aaron Rodgers Nice Is Aaron Rodgers from Florida? No, he's from California, actually Cool One time to cold, though

Yeah I need your help on this one I've been listening and watching you guys Since the Jake and Amir days I was only 11 back then Holy shit Wow Anyway

I moved from Florida to Wisconsin So I can be reunited with my girlfriend And get a job as a sous chef That I've been trying to get Anywho, long story short My former employee and I Are still pretty good friends And text very often

She's pretty chill And always talks to me About her relations shits She has a pretty bad taste In men to date, though So I'm rooting for her To find someone good one day She sent me a text just now

Saying that my dad Was totally hitting on her And was trying to get it in I don't believe her And I still kinda don't But maybe she's right Maybe I'm wrong I don't know

Please help And then he sends the text messages That this girl, ex-friend Sent to him So the girl writes So your dad Totally hit on me yesterday And he goes

No, he didn't And then the face That's the eyes are a dash And then the mouth is one long dash So it looks like three lines And she goes I swear He asked if I had a boyfriend

And why I didn't And in that If I was ever in Jacksonville To let him know And the guy responds My dad's married And has a super conservative Christian And then a gif

Of Megan Mulally cracking up Because he searched L-M-A-O dead As a gif search And then she goes Ha ha ha Well, maybe not anymore And the guy writes

I don't believe you L-M-F-A-O Oh, it's so sad And she goes You should I swear He said he's got a one bedroom In Jacksonville

The ground he's standing on Is crumbling at this moment And the guy goes So if I ask him tomorrow He will tell me the truth L-M-A-O And the lady says I mean, I don't know

LOL He supposedly isn't going With his wife Ha ha The kid says I can't stand his wife though LOL She's annoying

So I guess the dad remarried Interesting She goes Well, she won't be around LOL And the guy says I'll keep my ears posted LOL

And then she says LOL I mean, I told him I talked to you So IDK Why he would think I wouldn't tell you And then the guy

He's speaking emojis And says That's funny AF though LOL And she says Yeah, awkward And he says I still mildly

Don't believe you But at the same time Low-key will die Laughing if true Ha ha Ha ha And she says Better start dying

Mild Wait, he said Mild don't believe you Yeah Mildly don't believe you But at the same time Low-key will die Laughing if true

Low-key will die Laughing I swear if my dad Cheats on his wife with you I will low-key crack up to death Like, everything I know Is about him being conservative And Christian LOL

Feeling mild and low-key Like, everything I know To be true is wrong Raffle, I think LMAO Ha ha Yeah, he said He wanted to fuck me

I'm dying If that's true You've shaken me to my core Megan Mulally gift Are you for real though? Because it's kind of like The conservative Christian thing Is still a real big sticking point

For me SMH LOL I'm fucking shaking my head right now Do you think the dad actually did that? Um, I don't know I guess I do Like, she It's a weird thing for her to make up

Right So, and there's not like any Ambiguity between them About like, are you sure it was my dad? So like, they must know She's like, I know your dad Yeah And he said

It's so specific He said, do you have a boyfriend? Why not? I've got a one bedroom in Jacksonville Yeah Do you have a boyfriend? Why not? It's like

That seems like it can definitely be like Just a parent Pressing a weird boundary Even though they have like good intentions Yeah Like, just waiting too far into your business It could be like a compliment The one bedroom

In Jacksonville is High-key creepy And I'll be mildly sketched out if true LOL So many LOLs Every single message had one at the top or bottom For about seven texts in a row How's that for insecurity?

LOL No, I'm not taking any of this seriously LOL Do you ask your dad? Would you ask your dad? Yeah, I would It's so embarrassing No, but like

Regardless of if it's true Yeah I think Here's my question Would you tell someone If someone's mom was hitting on me I would not go to them and be like Your mom was hitting on me

Yeah Like, because you're not going to do anything about it It is just like And it's like He crosses a line And you're like, you have to tell him to stop Right It doesn't seem

If she's like, no, this was funny, it was awkward Then I think it makes it more awkward to tell somebody And also, she hasn't denied wanting to do anything about it either Yeah, it's awkward It's so random He really did it And he mentioned that she has bad taste in men And her liking this guy's dad would be

An example of said bad taste, I imagine Yeah, would this guy be pissed if this girl acted on it? Would this girl ever act on it? I wonder Maybe you asked the dad questions around that But not specifically that Oh, you could say like, I heard you ran into X

Yeah, I heard you ran into Aaron Rodgers Yeah Or whatever My friend I heard you ran into my friend and then see what he gives you Yeah, I tried to fuck her But maybe he'll be like, no I didn't, I wasn't there And then he'll be like, that wasn't my dad

It wasn't my dad! I swear he's a conservative Christian Or if the dad says, no I didn't And then she's like, yes he did, he was there The plot will thick Yeah, the plot thicks I wonder if we'll get a follow-up up from this situation Yeah, I would ask

I would just be like, I heard you ran into so-and-so See what he says, see how he behaves And then you press it a little more She said you were flirting with her Flirting with her is a fun way Because hitting on her sounds like You wouldn't take the bait on that She said you guys were flirting

Then you almost want to fess up Because it sounds like you did well Oh yeah, we know we flirted, but it was harmless Harmless flirting, but there's no harmless hitting on her And that opens the door to him admitting that There was a flirtation or him hitting on her And then after that, you really hammer at home She's like, oh yeah, she said you guys flirted

It was innocent, but we flirted a little bit She said you told her you had a one bedroom apartment In Jacksonville, and then he's caught And at that point, you show up to the one bedroom You have her say, yeah, I'll meet you there Oh, you could do a staying operation Then you show up with not only your mother But the current lady and his friend

And your priest, your reverend, your chaplain Is this considered a conservative Christian being here And make America great again Yeah, why don't you be more like our leader Our fearless leader who actually loves the Bible More than anyone, I think He reads it a lot Do you see that video recently where somebody asked him

What his favorite verse was And he's like, oh, I can't answer that He's like, well, what's just like name What's your favorite part? Like Old Testament, New Testament He's like, I like them both equally He's like, set them up with such a softball question Be like the older new more, both

Yeah, you really have to know jack shit To like not be able to make a choice on older new Just say new, easy All right, next question also about it, dad This guy's pronouns I guess it's not at this guy He says my pronouns are they, them All right, what is a pronoun

If the person is they, them So I say their pronoun Their pronoun Is they, them Cool So we'll call they, them, Theodore Nice writes

Hi, Jake and Amir and Kobe I'm 24 and I moved back in with my parents After graduating college two and a half years ago I'm finally moving out or trying to anyway I've had the keys to my new house for two weeks And I still haven't gotten to unpack anything Because my dad keeps coming over when I'm not home And quote fixing things around the house

Everything he's doing is stuff I don't need done Today he went over to unpack my kitchen stuff And discovered that he's, that he added a fake wall A new shelf and added molding to my bookcase He already suggested adding a fake wall To two of my rooms I told him I didn't want them But every time I say I don't want something

He seems to hear I can't visualize how awesome this is Please do it when I'm not there So I can see how awesome it'll be I took down the fake wall And now I have to spackle and repaint the actual wall Jesus And sand and peel putty off my bookcase

I'm nervous to remove the molding Because it might be more work to undo everything Every time he helps It makes even more work undoing the things And some stuff is just permanently ruined How do I get him to stop working on my house? Do I take my key back? Talking to him about it hasn't helped

Because he gets defensive And how he means well And it won't acknowledge anything that he's refusing to listen to me Is it possible that he's just trying to sabotage me For moving out? I want to be excited about finally leaving home But this whole mess is leaving me With nothing but anxiety and frustration

Please help Did they buy this house? I might have missed that part Uh, no They just moved out They just moved out Yeah, just the child moved out Got it

The child moved away from his parents And the dad is like Their parents I'll build a, that's right Their parents Get with it The dad is like He's fucking pence

A little pence bitch Whoa, you can't say bitch Shit Even with somebody's being a pence bitch Yeah, especially that And then the dad keeps coming over And it's like, I'll build a wall Now you have to build a wall

All right, I'll re-spackle All right, I'll create molding I wonder, like, if If they're paying rent They could just kind of tell the landlord Oh, look, hey, this guy Keeps fucking coming over Well, you would say it's my debt

I don't know who this fucking creep is The landlord shoots him I think you can You can, like, ask your dad I mean, that's just if you're paying rent You could ask your dad to stop And be like It's not just me

Like, the landlord Does not want to make any more changes That's good, you blame somebody else I was gonna say ask your mom To talk to your dad That way, it's not coming directly from you That's true But not everybody's mom's around

All right, you ask a surrogate To talk to your dad You find a new mom That's okay So, step one You need a mom Right Okay

Which this person might have Might have, totally But if not, we get a mom Okay It can be any mom To talk to your dad A stranger A stranger's mother

From a mom to a dad Means a lot You're crying It's just so cool to be a mother And a dad You're neither What? You're neither

You're not even a fucking uncle You know how sad that is I'm not even a friend's Have that as kids' uncle A godfather? Why can't I be a fucking godfather? Who would want to know that, kids? That didn't make me a fucking godfather

Lots of people Streeters, you know Give me a fucking godfather Of course not Are you the godfather? Such a cute responsibility You're a godfather, right? I'm not a godfather

But I'm an uncle I'm a funcular If anybody listening is having a baby And they want me to be the godfather Hit me up And then you'll just take care of the baby Should something happen to the parents I mean, it's all more like

I think it's more like a title And that kind of thing Yeah, this is after the parents die All right, so you have to take care Honestly, the godfather thing Was a bit slash joke And I don't know This kid's nine now

It's way past its prime It's not adorable at all anymore No offense, Billy But you're toothless And the ones that are growing in Are growing in fucking crooked Like, what do you want me to pay For fucking braces?

Yeah, I'm not going to do An orthodontist thing I just want it to be your godfather That's an expense I can't bear, Billy You get that And as your godfather I'm going to put you up for Let's say adoption, I think

A godchen Nice Not really You adopted godfather All right So you just pawn them off On another godfather Oh, if I become

So if a godfather becomes the father Like, if I'm a godfather And something happens to the parents I get the baby, I'm the godfather I have to name a new godfather And if something happened to me That godfather would be the new father And like this thing that happened to me

Could just be that Like I didn't want to take care of the kid Yeah This is why you're not going to be a godfather You're already trying to get out of it I'm just saying I'm not trying to get out of it But like if it comes to If like the hens come home to roost

Yeah And I actually have to take care of the thing I'm not interested The thing, yeah A little monster The devil that's come to ruin my life Nobody make me a godfather Not even as a joke

I can't even keep a fucking succulent alive They don't even need water I think what I would do In this situation is It's This is I feel like he's not going to stop You know

So it's almost like If you meet your dad Where he is If like You're starting from one end of the spectrum I want you to not touch my house Yeah And he's starting from the other end of the spectrum

I really want to help With the house You might be able to Have him help with the stuff that you need help with You're like I don't want walls But I have a leaky sink Or I want to change the shower head

On my shower Yeah I see I feel like the dad is using this to process His kid moving away Yeah like I'm still involved Right And I don't think he's going to It's going to be like an ongoing thing

Like where he changes your house Every single day that you're gone There's only so many walls you can build up Yeah High emotional walls Yeah I think that you like I understand they want the need to be like independent

But you're also You are being independent You've moved out And that's pretty solid And your dad is just like Processing it in this weird way And you might not be able to get him to fully stop But you can kind of direct and coach him

By knowing that He's hell bent on helping you somehow Just not in the way that he wants to Right But so if you're like He doesn't know where to put his energy And his anxiety So help him direct it in a way

That's useful for the both of you guys Alright There you have it Two dad questions And now A break Thanks to sponsors And then we'll come back

With a potential segment And No First unsolicited advice Oh we're still doing unsolicited Oh are we retiring unsolicited advice Not really retiring But I figured this segment would take its place

Unless you have one I don't know we might I have to redo the table of contents If this is the situation Never mind Alright well we'll fucking keep it It's fine We'll be back

Thank you to Aura Frames For sponsoring this Head Gum podcast You know Aura Frames is sponsoring Not just this episode But the entire Head Gum network Jake Wow

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We plugged it in Jill's grandma was pregnant Really nice asshole This was actually a really sweet moment For me and my wife And you're trying to make a joke of it I was just being goofy a little bit Like this is how I told my grandma

She was pregnant Yeah Kind of like she misheard it Or something like that Or the way you said it was kind of like Could go either way By the way Jill's grandma is pregnant Oh my god

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Jake, do you have any Oh, it's a lift I'm coming Gross Going on a long drive Or a short drive You can bring a Gatorade bottle And you can pee in it

On the road Thanks everybody For a short drive Sometimes I like to have a Gatorade bottle by my Well, if it's in my car There's always a Gatorade bottle For me to pee in too

Should it become an emergency Okay, so you're in LA You're just visiting So you rented a car Rented a car And then do you buy Gatorade anywhere Or you get Gatorade knowing That you'll have to take a piss in a car

If I have an hour-long car ride I bring a Gatorade bottle An hour Yeah Can't quite make it through The hour-long car No fucking chance I mean, sometimes I can

But You talk about it like sometimes Like in an off chance And then off chance I won't have to piss in a Gatorade bottle I mean, sure, it's a possibility I'll always have to pee When you leave

I pee You pee when you leave And then you take an hour-long car ride And you have to pee during the ride And then I pee as soon as I get to a place too Got it So Have you ever done it with somebody else in the car?

Peed into a Gatorade bottle? Yeah Yeah, all the time Have I done it with you in the car? I don't know if I remember that I think I did it with you in the car before On a drive from the office to our old house Your seat

So on Lafayette too So it was really close It was 20 minutes Do you ever do it as a passenger Or just as a driver? I do it as a passenger I did it on my road trip in Alaska a bunch If I'm on a road trip with my brother

And then I've done it with Jillian in the car Have you ever pissed into a piss bottle? What do you mean a piss bottle? Don't get offended, by the way I was talking about Shitting into a fucking glass I'm genuinely curious

Have you ever used a bottle that's already Half filled with piss Or is it only for empties? Oh, no I've never peed into one that I had already I usually dump it out after I pee into it Dump it out on the ground Yeah

And then How far deep does your dick go? Are you hovering over the opening? Or are you completely fucking this bottle? I put my dick fully into the bottle Fully in So that's Fully in

Lid touching your mouth So that's an inch and a half Nice No, I put just the head into the bottle Oh, just the head Yeah And this is while you're driving Yeah

Kind of dangerous a little bit It's really dangerous The fastest I've ever gone Like when I was on a road trip across the country By myself I did it like going 65 miles per hour But it was like Dead of night, no traffic

So you pee But then you have to hold onto the steering wheel And you do it So one hand on the bottle One hand on the steering wheel Yeah I sort of like lean back in my seat Yeah

It's almost like standing And I raise my butt up just a little bit Supporting myself kind of like on the back of my thighs Yeah Put the bottle on the seat Angle towards me Pee into the bottle There's got to be some splashing going on

Because it's like plastic stream hitting The bottle itself is not very big No, it's pretty contained I mean the thing that sometimes will happen Is like your dick is sort of like At an angle to pee into the bottle And like you think it all comes out But then you like put it back in your pants

And you get like a little spurt Yeah A little last minute There was one time where I like Thought I was peeing I was peeing into a water bottle This is before This is why my unsolicited advice is

The Gatorade bottle The wider mouth The wider mouth is the right size It's peeing into like a Poland spring bottle Oh, that's a small hole And I was sure that I was like good And just like And I started peeing

And the next day I just felt like My ass was like so warm and wet And I was like, oh my god I peed just straight onto the seat Straight onto the seat You pissed yourself You pissed yourself that day Don't say you missed the bottle

Well, my dick was out of my pants So I didn't piss in my pants I pissed on my pants Yeah, but onto the seat Sliding down through your ass crevice Slightly worse, yeah Yeah, totally So you arrived to where you need to be

Well, that day I drove straight to like a CVS And I got some resolve so I could clean my car Yeah But yeah, no, I mean it's It's embarrassing for sure I have a small bladder Have you ever looked into it medically? No, because I'm not interested in like take

I guess maybe I should But I feel like it would be the kind of thing Where I like had to take a pill every day or something Yeah, you wouldn't do one pill every day To just pee four times a day No, that's just like You'd rather piss into the bottle It seems like a whole thing

Unlike going to a gas station Just to get a Gatorade bottle so I can piss in it Do you drink the Gatorade? Does that mean you're drinking more Gatorade now? No, it depends I mean, if it's my car at home I, you know, it's been the same bottle for months Oh, you reuse it

Yeah, I keep that bottle on the seat You just dump it out I think we talked about this on the toilet You've been lambasted by it before You have a portable toilet in your car Yeah Have you ever taken a dump in a soylent bottle? A log into a coffee

A mocha coffeeist And a fucking diarrhea I could turn any soylent into a mocha coffeeist There's gotta be a point in time Where you're gonna like accidentally drink piss Yeah, I could Or somebody else Someone else is more likely

I mean, I know every time that there's a Gatorade bottle That it's for piss Yeah, do you get yellow Gatorade? Yeah, I do Oh Cause that also is like, that saves me when I'm like When I'm driving and need to dump it out It just kind of looks like I'm getting rid of warm Gatorade

But that'll do that regardless of what color Gatorade you get Oh, that's actually very true Sorry, yeah, no, you're right It's not like, whoa, that was yellow Gatorade Let me see your fucking receipt Or I'll think it's piss Yeah, this was blue Gatorade You're under arrest

What? Dog's piss on the ground, officer How is that any fucking different? Cause you dumped out your urine in a library Oh, I get that Sue me I will Really?

Yeah I don't have a lot of cash to my name Of course, you're a homeless person That pisses into Gatorade bottles Been sued before is all All right, new segment idea Taken from, let me find this guy This guy actually provided us with a bunch of segment ideas

Great Grayson Miller writes Ideas for segment pitches It broke it into easy, medium and hard Easy, steal from game shows Price's right style, Amir is really good at math The newlywed game, how well do you know each other? Another easy one that I want to do

Steal for morning radio talk shows AKA pick a weird recent study and neg on it You know, those studies that's like best city to move to I never really thought of it, but I do often hear Like morning radio shows, like a recent study suggests And so I was like, how do people find those studies? Or like, are they made just as like TV and radio fodder? So I did a Twitter search

For recent studies? Yeah, I did a recent study suggests And there's a bunch of them that people tweet about Very interesting Here's one that's the most apropos According to kcrg.com High school students who don't date

Are less depressed than their counterparts who do That's right A recent study published in the Journal of School of Health Reveals that adolescents who choose not to date Fair as well as or even better than Their coupled counterparts in social and leadership skills They're also less depressed That does make sense

You dated in high school and I did not But would you say you were at times depressed Over your dating situation? Yeah, but I mean I guess in high school I was dating someone I dated somebody in high school That like I don't know

It's sort of like sometimes when you're dating in high school Because everyone's so close It will cause a rift with your friend group I dated someone in high school that caused a rift With my friend group Because it was like taking somebody else's ex-girlfriend Or something And it's like

I guess it's hard to be happy when Half of your friends hate you Yeah, that's not a good situation I guess you're also I feel like you tend to be more codependent In your relationship in high school As you get older You can be in healthy relationships

Where you have your independence still You know who you are I haven't met a lot of people in high school relationships That are like, yeah And we each have our independence We're our own person When you're 17 You're like all in or all out

You lost against the world Everyone put us in All our friends hate you Just the way I wanted it And then when there's a breakup It's like, how am I supposed to deal with that Plus studying Right, it's the end of the world

And now I have to fucking learn calculus I don't think so My heart's in a wrench Your first relationship was not till college? Yeah, it was like End of high school into college I think that was when my first relationship was too Oh no, wait

Yeah, I'm trying to think I don't think I had a girlfriend During high school During high school It seems like a hard thing to do Yeah No, I definitely did not have a girlfriend during high school I had one in eighth grade and one senior year

So always at the end of your schools Right, when I was the king Yeah Anyway, so if you don't have a girlfriend Or you're not dating in high school Maybe you're lucky Yeah Unless you're depressed

And then you're just not one of the lucky ones in the study Yeah, of course these studies can sort of Validate any claim People can say, oh yeah, recent studies suggest the opposite too It's also, didn't the study, the quote was They are as happy or happier Yeah So it's just like they're not less depressed

But some of them are the same Equal Yeah Excuse me Researchers collected self-reports from 10th graders Along with teacher surveys on their dating habits And emotional behavior information Funny that they talked to teachers

Did the teachers know who's dating who? Like are they clued in? They must watch high school Kind of like a reality show Yeah, no, yeah, they definitely know And they talk about it Like did you see Steve like broke up with Cheryl? Yeah, that's gotta be

That's probably one of the fun parts of being a teacher Right, I wonder if it's like If they're looking at it like, oh god, these kids are idiots Or if they're looking at it like, this is really interesting That's funny, they're following it like it's a reality show Game of Thrones style And then like But the teachers can't ask

So they just always have to be around, overhearing And then they share information Right, they're kind of like Varys in Game of Thrones Yeah, they just like to linger Did you hear what happened? And then maybe they start causing the Oh Steve, I hear you're single That's not true, really, that's not what I heard

That's right, Sharon just told her best friend That she's thinking of breaking up with you Mr. Blumenfeld, you're a chemistry teacher Get the fuck away from me She's getting lunch with Luke Yeah, I'm gonna tell on you You're gonna get fired for this They slit your throat in the cafeteria

Like Littlefinger Now I'm part of the story too Sansa, please Alright, solid segment Recent studies suggest Recent studies That's good Cool, and one final question

Let's do it Oh, this one might be a mini one But might turn into a real one This is from You know what, it's not even embarrassing So I'm gonna use this fucking guy's real name Whoa I'm gonna give a shit

It's Tom Should I get AirPods? Pros, wireless, cool, rich Con, expensive Thanks for the help, love Tom So, if one of the cons is that they're expensive And the pros is that you're rich A pro is that I'm rich

And I can have them And a con is that they're too expensive For me to afford It seems like AirPods have taken that classic Apple 180 of like it came out and was like The fuck is this? This is stupid I remember when iPads No one needs an iPad

Just get a phone or a computer And then like two years later Everyone loves AirPods Like when did that reversal happen? Yeah, I think that first people to use them Were just like, wow, they don't fall out of your ears Not having a cord is great Yeah

They do kind of look like cigarettes That come out of your ears Yeah, they don't look like super cool I mean, I think wireless Your buds, they don't have to be AirPods, right? Like they'll work Your phone will work with anything It's just Bluetooth

I wonder, like there's definitely a cooler look Than the AirPods But you have AirPods You know what's funny? When I was in Atlanta on the D&D tour Which we didn't really talk about And you didn't ask me at all, so But it was fun, it was nice

Yeah, I talked to you about it last week And then also before we recorded And I think on camera, on microphone I asked you, oh Yeah, all right, cool Oh, I'm sorry Whatever, whatever, I'm sorry You just accused me

And now you're just sort of brushing it off I went on a run in Atlanta Uh-huh And it was really hot And my plan was to like run around Like near the hotel And then get back and jump on the pool And I did just that

And I left my AirPods in Did you say that's a con? That's a con Well, it's a con for me That my AirPods are broken now Oh, that's it A little bit of water, it's over, game over It's not like an iPhone

Yeah, I definitely like Swam around for a bit So it wasn't like a little stunk Oh shit, they're wet, no, like they were They were in you, yeah Submerged But yeah, I would think Like you can put the iPhone in

Yeah, also like the AirPods come in that case That looks like dental floss That seems like it would be waterproof Oh, I had them in loose Yeah, loose, they were in my pocket Yeah Tape to your thigh And then one of them just sank to the bottom

And I stepped on it You found it in the filter Yeah, of course So, but one of them still worked I just the right one worked for a little while And now it doesn't work anymore And I was actually contemplating Just like this guy, like

Do I replace, they're expensive Yeah, how much are they? I think they're like 200 bucks Yeah And when I say I think I know Because I went and I looked And you almost purchased them I almost purchased them

But I was like, I just, I can't The right one still works sometimes Oh, I see, you don't want to pull the trigger yet But now, now that I'm thinking about it I am going to check out, like just wireless Uh, your like, what are they called? Well, not ear buds Ear buds

Not pods God, fucking pods Buds Why does everything have to be a god damn pod with Apple? Yeah, I don't know The podcast, the iPod It's an air pod They want to like keep it consistent

Fuck those guys Well, you have all of those things I love their products Yeah You did already order a new iPhone Yes, I did And that's what I was thinking about getting the air pods But now I'm going to search and see if there's anything that is just like

Looks cool and isn't an air pod Because black would be better Black would be better And like, they have like, you know, a little more support in the metis Yeah My metis I think is too big Your metis is too big Whenever I have to use ear pods, buds

They fall out of my metis I don't know if I'm not using the metis correctly You're wearing cans right now so I can't see your metis Yeah, right here Yeah, turn your head That's it It's cavernous You think it's too deep?

I don't know if it's like They fall out like Like there's too much Yeah, like there's too much space around them Like they jiggle, they're loose Yeah, like when I wear the regular ones with wires, they'll fall out if I'm running If I was playing beat saber yesterday, mine kept falling out That's so crazy

And I'm like shoving it in tight I'm like, I don't think I should even be shoving it in this tight Maybe I have a greasy metis You know, there's a Is it possible I have a waxy oily metis? Yeah, your metis might, it might not be like the size It might just be like The shape or the oil of it

It's frictionless I think like you have like secretion And oil, yeah And like your metis secretion It's a slick metis Yeah, I was gonna say it's a slick and slippery metis Yeah There's a sheen to your metis

I think I bought some like Some exercise headphones that were like They're connected by a wire But they're like Yeah But they're behind your head They're Bluetooth, yeah

But that was like a year ago now And anyway, they came with like three different sizes For like the pod itself I see Like you could, and it was this little rubber thing So you could have the small one, the medium one, or the large one I would opt for the large one, the metis to be As airtight as possible

Well, the other possibility though Is that you have a really tiny metis So you can't get it past Like the little area where it needs to lodge Oh, interesting, yeah I envision mine as just an open hole I didn't know that there was like a thin part And then it's wider behind it

That sort of locks it You have to like dock it It's a lock, it's a dock and a lock Interesting Were you playing Beat Saber yesterday? I did play Beat Saber And did the air buds of it all stick in there Or were they...

I think I was playing it during the party So there was No air buds part of it It was just ambient noise Everybody was... Maybe I put them in I mean, I definitely didn't notice I don't have the problem where they fall out

That's cool That's just you, man So you pro air pods or not? Uh, yeah I think if you think that they're... The pros were all of the... What was it? Was cool, rich

Wireless Cool wireless and rich Yeah I'm for you getting them I also think that it's worth every once in a while Splurging on yourself For something that you think about a lot Because you'll feel great every time you use them

And you use your phones a lot Did you like using them when you did have them? Yes, I loved them You can run with them and they didn't jostle I would do like high intensity workouts with them They never jostle They're so slick, it's like plastic I don't know, I feel like the other ones are like

Wrap around your ear Or they're like a little more matte Where they stick better These things totally worked for me I went on like trail runs with them Then it fell out But I mean, if it's just straight up For like walking to work and stuff

It's great It's also really nice for like Just actually sitting at your desk and working Because like you can... If you need to get up You just get right up You don't have to like unplug yourself It's kind of nice

Yeah, it's a cool system Do you ever just like keep them in all day And you're like, I'm not even using them I just realized Yeah, hopping a pool Yeah Right, that's how they got ruined Runed indeed

I like my wireless headphones Like my whatever, Bose Yeah, well because you have a strange metis Yeah, and then they just cup my entire skull Wireless is definitely good My problem with wireless Is that it's not everywhere yet And you have to charge it

Yeah It feels weird to have to charge your headphones Right, because you have these like A nice little minimal wireless thing But like actually there's more wires Because you have to charge them And it also of course comes with a wireless case It has to be wired eventually

Right You're not completely ditching the wires God, if planes could do Bluetooth I mean that's got to be so far away They must just not even care Oh yeah, why don't they? They have Wi-Fi But then you still need to plug in to watch the TV

Yeah That's an annoying thing Yeah, and if I didn't have to do that I still have wired headphones Because I'm like, I only use them when I fly Right Alright So get the AirPods

Or do some research and see if you There's another kind of earbud that would work for you But do go wireless Why don't they make the AirPods different colors? Like why is it just white? It's insane that it's only white Like everything is a variety of colors All their products are product colors

They should absolutely make different colors If they did like an olive green one I would get it right now What kind of phone did you get? I got the Space Gray Oh really? I don't do color phones Because I put a case on it anyway

Right, but it's nice to have that like Because there's going to be three cameras on your phone now So that little bit of colored plastic will peek out Right, that's interesting But yeah, I like the classic Alright Alright, that's it The end

Table of contents over Episode done Now it's time for the bibliography We're excited The study we referenced today was KCRG Didn't the podcast get in trouble for plagiarizing? Oh

Thank you to the Journal of School Health For doing that study just for us Appreciate it Thanks to you guys for writing in If you have your own questions or theme songs Send them all to IfIWereYouShow at gmail.com The opening theme song was written by Nick Goldston Alright, I'll admit it was good

And this closing one is a Frank Sinatra parody By Christos So thanks Nick Thanks Christos Very excited for the song Thanks to you guys for listening For more IfIWereYou You can always look

Check out our Patreon Patreon.com.j.a Bonus Video Thursday episodes Woo We're like 25 of them now They're good too Check them out Alright, we'll be back next week

Bye If I were you If I emailed these two Jews With all my problems to solve They'll let me know what to do Who knew that I'd be writing an advice show The freak of these comedic guys know I'm feeling like rolling the dice though

Holy guac here suddenly before me Hashtag doping you podcast episodes Maybe this'll be the one where they implore me Fun shit again No, I bet my email's still in their inbox Unopened screw you I'm finding another show It's been three years and no word

I'll match this, this, this silent treatment with my own I don't deserve this, this silent treatment That was a headgum podcast