If I Were You - 402: Duck Butter

Episode Date: September 30, 2019

In this episode we discuss superheroes, our favorite smells, and whether or not we would be a toilet.For more IF I WERE YOU, check out bonus Thursday video episodes on our Patreon.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

When you leave the house in a rush and you drag just a little too much in the car, need a place you can flush and relieve your need to pee. Who knows when the next stop's gonna be? You might not make it that long. Hey, what's that you see down by your feet? Get a red bottle all along. So if you gotta pee, gotta pee, gotta pee. Get a red bottle's what you need. And when you've got the need, you can pee, you can pee. Just freeze, do it carefully. And when you miss slightly, miss slightly, why do my knots feel wet? And when you've got the need, you can pee, you can pee.

Jump it out in a library. Whoa, that was beautiful. That was a parody of a song that I had never heard of, meant to be by Bebe Reha. Interesting. I already submitted the theme song, writes Jay, that you used an episode nine all those years ago. Whoa. I believe you berated me because it was so short and low effort. Well, that was more than deserved. It was earned. And if you use this, please shout out my koi boy CJ. He and I have been watching you guys since Monopoly and you've shaped the very fabric of our friendship. Come back to Montreal.

Thanks, Jay Arsenault. We should go back to Montreal. Montreal is always a fun time. I love Montreal. That was a great song. I feel like I could shoot a music video for that. Yeah. It's just me peeing in a bottle in my car. But it's very soft lighting. Yeah, cinematic, absolutely. That was based on your unsolicited advice from last episode, which was if you need to pee on a long or short car ride at any time, you use a Gatorade bottle. Correct. And just to recap a little, you don't stick your dick all the way in, right?

Just the head through the mouth of the bottle. Have you done it since you've been in LA in that rental? No. Do you have a Gatorade bottle? I did it in the last rental, the one I drove to the headgum party. I peed into that bottle. Yeah. But do you have a bottle in the car rental? Right now? Yeah. Unused Gatorade bottle? I do not. I don't. So I was driving to the valley when I first landed. Yeah, that's kind of a long car ride. It was an hour and 20 minutes.

Oh, wow. That was like a record for me. And I was like, I'll go to a gas station and pee and buy a Gatorade bottle if I have to pee at any point. Yeah. But then it was like, there was like 45 minutes left in the trip and I was like, I only have to pee a little bit. I think I can make it. Yeah. And then, yeah, I just had luck and I was a champion. Champion. I was a big boy. I was at 80 minutes without peeing. That's you being a champion.

I didn't have to whiz. I go five, six hours at a time without peeing. That's insane to me. Do you even do that when you're asleep? There's not a night where sometimes I'll sleep through the whole entire night without getting up to pee, but I usually wake up and have to really pee. Is it noticeable to you? You're like, whoa, I didn't pee that night. That's crazy. Or is it like, now that I think about it, I guess I didn't pee.

It's noticeable. I will wake up and I'll be like, damn, I slept really well. I must have been really tired. I didn't even have to pee. I must have slept so long I only peed twice. Once in my huggies and once on the way to the bathroom. I don't think I ever have a two. I mean, I'm not sure it's happened, but I don't often have a two pee night. This is my Twinnovation idea that I pitched you. You should have been on board for it, a mattress with slats,

so you don't have to get up to pee. You just roll over and urinate. Yeah, I actually think that is a good idea. I think I was just trying to win the game that day. I needed to stand on the shoulders of giants that day, so my idea could be accepted. Or what if you make your entire bedroom out of Gatorade bottles, so your bed is on a giant mouth opening, that way you just have to put your side up against the edge of the bed and piss off the side, and that goes down. If I was a billionaire, I would probably have a house that had tons of little pee compartments for me. That's cool, so you're so rich that you have Gatorade bottles everywhere.

But like porcelain, like crystal Gatorade bottles. Right, and little servants who carry them to and fro. You need to urinate, sir, and it's a crystal cognac. Away with you, Dylan. I've already urinated on Martha. Please, sir, you could pee in my mouth. A little pee, Belle. You ring the bell and a servant comes, opens their mouth, and they're toilets to you.

No, they have a Gatorade bottle, and they hand it to me. What kind of sick fucking future are you designing for me where I just pee in people's mouths? You're a billionaire. You can do whatever you want. You're paying them 80 grand a year. For a six-figure salary, would you have someone piss in your mouth once a year? Yo, you're my toilet now. I think as long as you could do other shit.

You could do everything that you're doing now, and then for an extra $148,000 and benefits, you just had to have, let's say Drake, piss in your mouth once a year. Oh, once a year, yeah. Once a year. I thought you were saying I was his toilet daily for $150,000. $148,000 plus benefits. That's fine. I don't want to use the benefits because I'm afraid of having to explain it to my doctor.

It'd be like, oh, you actually have pretty good blue cross, blue shield, gold one. Well, I need the benefits because I swallow piss once a year, Doc. What's that? Yeah, so I have to pee now. Where's Amir, though? He's my toilet. Yo, you're my toilet, man. Yo, you're my toilet now.

He's kind of a baby, too. Yo, Amir, man, you're my toilet. Yeah, I would let Drake piss in my mouth for $150,000. Would you let me piss in your mouth for $150,000? No, fucking way. You would love that because then you would lord it over me. I would have lured shit on my chest for $80,000. That way she'll Drake it all over me for the rest of the year.

I wonder if you could just be a professional celebrity toilet. Imagine that business card. That's got a hurt to give to your girlfriend's old man. Yeah, business is booming. The podcast network is doing well. Furthermore, I have a new gig. Steven Tyler actually went boom, boom on my chest. Speaking of business being booming, a lot of revenue streams,

if you will, that's right. Bono pisses on my face. Elijah would upper decked me. That's when you have diarrhea in my ear. Paul Bettany wiped his ass with my nose. Andy McDowell clogged me. Do you realize how much shit would take to clog me? And Andy Roddick clogged me.

Roddick himself. This song, I wanted to say, should have been a let it be parody. So if there's- Let me pee, let me pee. Let me pee now, let me pee. There will be a bottle, let me pee. So maybe J.R. Senor or some other person out there can do the next one.

Nice. Let it pee, meant to pee. Can I pee? Yeah, something like that. Up to you. Hi, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the web, hosted by us. I'm Amir.

I'm Jake. These are, of course, real questions from real people. We're doing our best to answer them. 400 plus episodes deep up in this business. Is you think there's a world where we pass Jake and Amir for podcast episodes? Like where we make over 800 podcast episodes? There's a world.

It's an incredibly sad world to think about, but it definitely exists. At that point, be how old? Well, I'll be 82 and you'll be 80, which is crazy. Because I'll be almost caught up with you at that point. Percentage-wise, you're catching up with me every year a little bit. Interesting. Who do you think will die first?

Me. That's cool. Yeah. But there'll be more people at your funeral. Yeah, well, because I'm going to die tragically young. But not so tragically young that it's like I won't die in my prime. I'm going to die at like 48. I don't think that's a tragedy anymore.

I think that's not tragically young anymore. I think that's, I mean, well, it would be tragically young to my loved ones. Yeah. Who would be like, he should have had so much more time. Yeah, what happened? But to the rest of the world, I'll have like made my best art, done my best comedy, and most people will be like, oh my god, I didn't know he was still, I forgot about that guy.

Yeah, he was the one that talked about getting shit on and pissed on, right? It was like, Sandy. No, no, no, that was Amir. He'll live to the ripe old age of 90. Andy Roddick speaking at your funeral. I think he made a joke about me whizzing on him, but I'm not entirely sure. Flogging me. Oh my god, he's alive.

Andy. All right. So this is an email we got about somebody who picked up his tinder date at her house. Okay. Rare, but true, I guess. Didn't you do that once? Uh, no. Or no, you went, you went on a, you met somebody in the lift

and they were mad that you didn't pick them up. Is that true? Oh, I met somebody there and they wished, yeah, and later on one of her complaints was like, I thought you'd pick me up. What a strange world. I feel like that's not, would not be an expectation at all. Even remotely these days. Well, this is a 22 year old guy from Wisconsin.

We'll call Yanis Antitikumpo, right? I'm back home for the summer doing an internship and I decided to get on tinder for a low key summer fling until I went back to school. I matched with a girl and headed over to her house to pick her up on her first date. When I rang the doorbell, I got to talking with her mom and soon found out that we work at the same place and she said, it's five desks away from me. I also found out that her younger brother also works there.

So this guy is going out on a date with a girl and the mom and her younger brother are there and work where he works. Then her dad comes in and he's a super muscular cop and starts jokingly trying to fight me. Jesus. After we left her house, she often mentions that her dad is the mayor of the town. I just want to seize the cheese before going back to college, without many people finding out, but now I work with two of her family members

and her dad is the cop and a mayor who could beat me up. Is it still worth going for it and possibly having awkward interactions at work when I see her family or and maybe her dad banish me from the town or something? Or should I keep swinging and find someone else? Let me know what you think. Love, Yanis. I would almost say it's 100% not worth doing. I guess his first mistake was picking her up at her childhood house where her mom,

brother, and father met him on before their first tinder date. Tinder date. That's absurd. I thought it would be behoove me to meet you all before this first drink that I get with somebody. Yeah, no, that's of course not. And then he works with the mom. Did he know that before? It must be like a town where everybody works for the same company.

There are nine people that live there. And they all work at the Walmart. My dad is the chief of the police and the mayor. He's also the grocer and he does it counting. Oh, shit. I'm just reading right now. This email was sent to 1951. Right.

That's why. That was the norm. I'm going to come and take you out. So I'll obviously meet your parents. Meet your old man. And we'll have a time in a living room just sitting waiting for you to debut. And then you'll treat me right in front of your father. I got you a corsage.

That's not even a prom. They're just going to the drive-in. But you have to wear a flower around your wrist. That's kind of a cool move if you're like picking somebody up for a date. Like bringing them a corsage. Yeah. And I'm wearing a boutonniere. Yeah, I'm wearing a boutonniere.

You wear this fucking, it really is a bracelet made of flowers, right? That's what the corsage is. Yeah, yes. It's a little flower bracelet. And then they have to wear that for the rest of the night? Yeah. That's not nice. That's a, it's like handcuffs.

Right. Yeah, you wouldn't really want that. But like when I imagine prom photos, I don't see like kids dancing with flowers around their arms. You like put it down? I think, yeah, you must put it down at some point. I think it's like for pictures. You're like holding, you have flowers. So there's flowers in the photos.

Awful. I wonder if kids still do that. They must. Probably such a funny thing. Like these fucking dirty tweens hanging out like their 1950s royalty. Did you have a prom date? Yeah. Well, I went with like two female friends because I was like too afraid to ask anybody out.

So you went, you had two prom dates? In a way, I did have two prom dates, but in a way, I had zero prom dates. Very nice. But I don't remember getting a corsage or a boutonniere or any of that shit. You didn't, you must have. Do you have photos of your prom? I do have photos of my prom. I rented a purple tuxedo.

Did you really? Yeah. No, sorry. A regular tuxedo with a purple vest and tie. Oh, so that's like kind of normal, right? My hair was moosed and my brow was grease. My glasses were thin metal and my braces were on. Yes.

Full throttle. Acne, back knee, whack knee. I had two whack knees, so I couldn't dance. It was on a boat. Was it on a boat? Yeah, it was like a docked boat restaurant. And did you that night, did you end up dancing or were you mostly like goofing around with your friends, joking, joking with Jesse?

Barely, yeah. It must have been joking with Jesse. I barely remember prom. Like, I don't remember it very much at all. I don't remember what we did before or after. We must have taken a limo, right? Don't you rent a limo? Yeah, you rent a limo.

You obviously rent a limo. You have to do anything. 17 year olds to do this. All of the parents meet at the house with all of the kids that everyone runs around taking photos. And then you send them off in a limo where they have a dance. And if they drink, they're expelled. And if they have sex, they're cool. I guess like where do they sleep that night?

Is it all at like a house or a hotel? I think that it's funny to look back on prom because it feels lame. Like at my prom, I feel like all of us were, you're going to college the next year. You're like, this is a party. Orderline and adult. You're like, you're, everyone is like trying to get drunk and hook up afterwards. But you can't get drunk at the prom, right? Everyone drinks after.

Do you rent a hotel? I think a lot of people do different things. So now, all right, now I'm coming around where prom can seem kind of cool. Like sometimes you go to prom, but then you go to the after party. And I've seen like, you know, people go to like the shore for the weekend or you go out. Oh, you turn it into a senior trip. Right. You rent a house for the weekend. And like that kind of thing, it always turns into like spring break slash prom.

That's, I think that's what happened. But I did not do that. Our school like broke up our after prom party. Because like the school's sort of still in charge of you guys. Yeah. And where was the after prom party? It was going to be at my friend Steve's house. Wow.

So his parents were just like, yeah, you guys can all party here? No, his parents were out of town. And our school was so small that like we had all talked about how this was like, this is the one, how amazing is it that Steve's parents are out of town? They must have timed it on purpose. On the weekend of prom. They must have known. Yeah.

And like they have to take pictures of their kid, don't they? We're going to go and like get trashed at Steve's for the weekend. You know, like this is perfect. And the school found out and called Steve's parents. So teachers overheard planning. Teachers were so involved in the gossip of my school that they fucking knew where the after party was. They called and got it canceled.

They showed up and got hammered with you guys. Yeah. And then we ended up doing it at some other girl's house, but like her parents were around. It was kind of low key. Oh, that's cool. So you're like not getting too smashed. Yeah.

That was really cool. Or is it like the parents are like, you can drink, but as long as it's under my roof. Funny concept. It's just better that you're doing it here where I know you're safe. Like actually, you're just a really bad parent. I'm going to drink all your alcohol and sort of OD.

I'm going to have my stomach pumped in your backyard. That's good. I'm definitely not going to be a cool parent. It's like like I let the kids drink here because it's better than them doing it somewhere else. Like no, it's not. I guess better maybe than them doing it like in a parking lot somewhere. But you're just, it's still bad doing it at your house.

Yeah. Why don't you ask him not to do it at all? Right. Is it or is that not good? I know you're going to do it. Or is that not being a cool parent? I guess that's fine. Like because you can be like, I know, like I know you're going to do it whether I,

whether I let you or not. Like you could also just be like, you're not going to do it. Yeah. But would you listen to them? I don't know. I think it depends on the character of my kid. That's nice. I'm going to treat my little boy with an iron fist. Even as a baby, I'm going to teach him to respect his old man.

Well, he'll have to because he's growing up in a house where you're, you're like drinking celebrity piss and shit. All right, little Amir, junior, whatever the fuck. You have to be better than a couple of that shits in my dad's face. Okay. Everybody go to your room. You shouldn't watch your old man have to do this. Martha Stewart is coming over and she's fling finger blasting herself

into my fucking nostril. Jesus Christ. Go to, go to sleep. You go to sleep. Owen Wilson's going to cockslap your old man. Who are these people, dad? They must be 90 at this point. You would have loved Owen Wilson.

Dustin Diamond. He's D list. So I just let him spank me for $30, which is how much a candy bar costs now. So this kid is probably barking up the wrong tree. He's met too many people. He's in too deep. He has to take a step back.

This is just a tinder day. It seems like he wants a casual thing and he's treating it like a very serious relationship. This is not casual. You've blown that. Unless you have an amazing time with this lady. Straight over. If you like her, then I don't think it's bad that you met her family. But if you're trying to be very casual, then this like,

this adds a little bit of baggage to that for sure. All right. Okay, let's take a break. We'll thank some sponsors. We'll come back, answer some more questions after this. Sick. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode,

but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time.

Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents.

So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great, really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant.

We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit. Like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant.

Yeah. Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame?

Holy smokes. And we let her know with an Aura. Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app.

I'd love to upload just a picture of me at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah, like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah, it's a great gift.

A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames. That's A-U-R-A-Frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh wow, this is timely.

The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames. A-U-R-A-Frames.com. Okay, go get your parents something. All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping.

Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a professional licensed therapist

is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area. But BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge.

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That's betterhelp.com slash if I were you. Check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. And we are back. Here's something exciting. Yeah. In addition to the ads we just heard. Yep.

I up and fricking sold one to a family member. You said that's something interesting. So like that's sort of interesting that you're sabotaging the podcast. You know how we have like Squarespace, MyBookie, yada, yada, yada. Yeah, like Marty, Marika, like these people, we have a sales team.

Yeah, Headgun has a sales team. That strategically goes out and finds partners for specific shows and negotiates and inserts them dynamically into the episode. Totally. It's a one-stop shop. They do everything for us. My family member opened up a restaurant

and they wanted a live read. That's, I mean, you should just do, so like we have an unsolicited advice segment. Why don't you just say like. They actually wanted a very live read. Okay, well, I don't. To the point where you have to read the copy. I'm not going to read it for your family.

Your family member, if they opened a restaurant, congratulations, say the name of it. People will go to it and let's get back to the show. Because then it feels like cheesy or we're decompartmentalizing. It feels cheesy to try to like say it naturally. It feels less cheesy than. Because they want, they want it to be like an ad read.

Like do you remember how like Joe Namath was a spokesperson for like Gillette? Sure, yeah. So like it wouldn't make sense if like the CEO of Gillette's uncle did that. It had to be like a celebrity. So you're saying like I'm the celebrity in this case? Exactly.

Okay. So like. That's kind of cool. Yes, I'm interested in that. Like Michael Jordan did Wheaties or whatever. Right, I mean you could just say like, I do have to, what weird old callbacks. They want you to be the spokeswoman of sorts

for this restaurant. Sure. They sent me the ad copy. So all you have to do is read it and then try to read it like naturally. Can I do, I'm two questions. Because why don't you just keep on saying my family member. It's such a vague generalization.

Like most, I feel like you could say cousin, aunt, uncle. It's in between those two. Yeah. It's like right in between uncle and cousin. Aunt? Yeah. It's like my cousins, my cousin's dad married my mom's sister. So like it's.

Your cousin's dad. So your uncle married your, your, your, your uncle married your aunt. Yeah, yeah and they're opening up a family. Okay, so they had an incestuous relationship and they're opening a feedback. Kind of, yeah. And they wrote ad copy for me to read. And then for us to get paid.

Okay, well how much did you, we can edit this part out, but if you negotiated the. I get 10% off every dish that's ordered with the coupon code, which I think is in the ad. That's not like a lot of money. Depending on how many people go. Yeah, but it's so like geographically specific. The restaurant is actually in pretty disarray.

They're like hanging on by a thread. So the quicker we can get to the ad copy, the quicker. It's just unfortunate that you're not going to get us paid. We're getting a 10% of what people order. If they go to what you're calling is a restaurant that's hanging by a thread. Yeah. Okay. Um, you got the ad copy.

Yeah, I have it. All right. So, um, have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn grill? That's right. Wait, uh, I was just, that's, that's cool how they got it. Oh, shit. That's cool how they got in there. I was saying.

Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn grill? That's right. A new Native American themed restaurant, Jesus, that caters to two different clientele, women and moose. What does a moose eat? Great, great question. What's that? Great question.

Fat ass pork. I just feel like this is a little problem. Your, your Israeli aunt and uncle opened up a Native American themed restaurant that caters to women and moose. I guess so. What does a moose eat? Take it from there. What does a moose eat?

Great question. Fat ass pork here at the blue corn grill. Our pork is so thick and wet, your fattest daughters and moose will leave wanting more. Jaymore, who roasts things? I honestly didn't, but it's cool to hear it coming out of you. That's right. Every other Thursday we have comedian Jaymore in the house doing karaoke. Why not comedy?

Great question. Save it for trivia night, Haas. That's interesting. That's not interesting. Not trivia night. There's, so there's a trivia night that they don't actually mention. They just talk about doing karaoke with Jaymore on Thursday. I knew Jay was there last Thursday.

Actually, it comes, it comes back. Here we go. Got it. That's right. Every Saturday is trivia night, Haas. Winners drink free milk on the side of every meal. That's good. On the side.

Yeah, you don't just sit on the side. Because it's a drink. Answer a question right. Do the notes at the end. Fine. Answer a question right. Get a glass. Drink them all for the grand prize.

I have questions about that and I'll flag that because like you drink, you get a glass of milk for every question that you get right. And then if you drink all the milk, you get the grand prize. Seems a little complicated. Which I guess comes up. That's right. Drink them all for the grand prize, fat ass. Located on the corner of five major highways,

Blue Corn Grill is now closed. No. That's right. You waited. You lost. So better luck next time. Coupon Coat, fat ass. So it is closed.

So it's closed. It must have closed while you were reading it. I'm sorry to hear that, man. I'm absolutely sorry to hear that. I'm sorry that we did this ad at all. Imagine that. We could have gotten the grand prize. So we also, our payment was 10% of all sales.

And now it looks like we won't be getting any of that shit. Now it's closed. So we just advertised it for nothing. Fuck. That hurts to hear. Yeah. That sucks. Because I have next Thursday open to my calendar.

I was going to go to the J. Moore karaoke night. Right. Yeah. I was going to go to Milk Trivia. It's not Milk Trivia. It's General Trivia. Winter gets a glass. You know, J. Moore is lactose intolerant.

You think he would ever do Trivia night, get diarrhea, and then shit on your face. That's right. There's a new restaurant opening up down the street. J. Moore drinking cottage cheese and taking a dump in your soup. And if you need to go to the bathroom, Amir Blumenfeld is the bathroom. Fat ass.

All right. Thanks for reading that, by the way. Yeah, of course. Regardless of what happens, I think they'll appreciate the fact that we took the time and effort to read the ad. I hope so. An ad I'm calling ad astra.

Ad astra. To the stars. I'm mad astra that I haven't seen that yet. Starring Brad astra. Nice. Thanks. All right. Here's a question about ball sweat.

Oh. You know, a sweaty grundle. It's called duck butter. Duck butter? Do you ever call it duck butter when you're growing up? No. When I was a kid, my friends and I called the ad ball sweat duck butter. I don't know if that was like a thing that only me and my boys did.

We'll call this guy Donald. Okay. Why? Because duck. Okay. Donald duck. Nice. Yeah.

I'm a 22-year-old from Australia, and I want to know if it is weird if I sniff my own ball sweat. Like when I'm alone or getting changed, I'll rub my fingers in between my thighs and groin. And if it's sweaty, I just sniff my fingers. I don't know why, but I enjoy the smell. Am I weird? Is this okay?

Are there any habits that you two do when others aren't around? Much love Donald. P.S. bring NADPOT to Australia. Hell yeah. I would love that. I fucking love Australia. Yeah. Is this...

Can you resonate with this? Like have you ever smelled your own duck butter? I don't think that that would have an appeal to me. I understand. Like it is weird, but it also is okay. Are you more likely to smell your own fart versus others? Yeah. I think people definitely have like a higher tolerance for their own bodily odors.

Yeah. Like it's not that bad because it came out of me to me. So I'm smelling my own fart in a car. It's like, wow, that was bad, but it's not like, fuck me. That's bad. I have to get out of here, roll down the window. Yeah. It's like, oh, wow, that's bad.

I can't believe that's what my insides smell like. I would say this is totally akin to smelling your own fart, which I think is one of those things that is like, more people do it, but it is not something we should talk about. It's fine that you do it and you didn't have to write this question. So for the first time, we're saying don't, you shouldn't have. Yeah. Our advice is just do it.

Just like, I don't need to know about it. All right. Yeah. Do whatever you want to do. I don't need to know about it. I really don't fucking need to know about it. Do you smell your own farts? I don't think, I'm not like in an active way.

But if you fart in a car, are you sniffing it? Like, huffing it? Yeah. Like, are you, are you trying to get down there and sort of sip it? Like you're like out of desert oasis? No, I'm not. Oh, sweet, beautiful. You fucking, you love the smell of your own fart.

I want to get close. I think sometimes I'm like fascinated by the smell of my farts. I'm like, wow, that is, that's a weird one, but not, I'm never like, this is really foul or this is really good. I wouldn't be like, this fart smells nice. Yeah. I like the smell of weird stuff though. I like the smell of gasoline.

You do? Yeah. You like the smell of gasoline. I love the smell of gasoline. I also, sometimes I think that like, when I, I'll like smell my armpit and I'll smell really bad and I'll be like, oh my God, and I'll smell it again, just to sort of like. BO. Yeah.

Like take a little, it's almost like a sense of wonder. Like, wow, I can't believe I smell like that. Yeah. I understand it. I just don't think that it has to be made a thing. So you, you are fine with the curiosity of bodily smells. Is there anything that you smell? I'll smell my farts.

I will smell my pits. I'll smell my oils and I'll smell all around my boils. I smell my essential oils. I'll pop a zit and snort the pus. Oh yeah, popping a zit is another one that's kind of like that too. That's like a gross private thing, but it is also like fascinating. Yeah. But popping a zit almost crosses the barrier where like you will find people that want to

pop your zits, but you never would find somebody that's like, oh, I like the smell of your farts. Yeah. Why is that? I like the smell of your BO. That's really good. That's like a really nice wedding vow. I love the smell of your BO. I love the smell of your farts.

So embarrassed if someone said that to me at a wedding. I love the smell of your farts. You could in theory have positive fart sweat, right? Or fart smell. Like if you only ate aromatic foods. No, I don't think that would work like that. If you put like a rose up your colon so that like the methane sort of mingles with nice flour stuff.

If you only ate pouperie. That's good. Would you marry me? It's a corsage. Enjoy the smell, but don't be so loud about it. You're disgusting. Here's a follow up from yesterday's, or sorry, last week's episode in which you wanted to be somebody's godfather.

Oh. Katie Evans writes, you can use my real name. I don't care. This isn't incriminating. You guys are the best. Listen to the last episode and just want to let Jake know that he can be my child's godfather. Wow. She has a godmother, but we didn't have anyone else to ask.

So congrats. You are Rhiannon's godfather now if you want to be. Rhiannon's? Yeah, R-H-I-A-N-N-O-N. Did she attach a picture? What? If I'm going to be a child's godfather, I'd like to know what the little bugger looks like. The fuck is wrong with this lady is giving you

fart-blunch access to her daughter post-mortem. It's not, you know, that's not what a godfather is. You don't give fart-blunch access to a kid if you're the godfather. I'm raising the little bitch. I'm not raising you. All right, careful. You're talking about my fucking godson or daughter. What is it?

Goddaughter. I'm talking about my fucking goddaughter. Okay. Now look, I'm interested. I need, I'm going to need a wallet-sized photo. And not like a computer print. Not on printer paper. I'm going to need hard stock.

No. Wallet-sized photo of this kid. This is crazy. We're not going to- So when I'm talking to the guys at work by the water cooler, I say, look at little Rhiannon. Rhiannon. I could go Rhiannon and on and on about her.

And actually, is that a boy's name? Rhiannon. R-H-I-A-N-N-O-N. I don't know. I don't know anything. Well, it's your child. It's your godchild. I'm going to need a wallet-sized printed photo of my godson or daughter.

We're also going to have to find out how to pronounce their name. Rhiannon. Rhiannon. Rhiannon. Uh-huh. Rhiannon. Rhiannon. Rhiannon, miss.

But yeah, I'm, I'm tentatively interested. And I, it's not that I want a photo to see if like- It certainly sounds like that. I just want to make sure that they- I just want to make a decision based on what they- I want to make sure that they're a cute kid. That's all. Okay.

That it's like- You're not discriminating. What the fuck are you talking about? I don't know if you want to know they're like- I honestly hesitate to even say this. Good, you should. But- This is insane.

It sounds like- No. You're eager to know their race. Is that fair? It's absolutely unfair. I'm saying that I want to have- I want to have- Good or bad.

What do you mean good or bad? I don't care if it's a bad rate, like one of the bad ones- See, this sounds like you're having the problem. This is insane. We all know what I'm talking about, right? When I say the one true good race. Ty? Ty, yes.

We all know I'm talking about Southeast Asia. But I just don't think Katie Evans produced that. You're going to get in trouble, man. Rihannaan. That's a good sitcom idea, actually. So you're the godfather. Godmother is another friend. Parents die in the fucking cold open of the pile.

And you guys are forced to raise this child together. Yeah, and what it actually is, if I can build on that- Well, I'm not done pitching. Okay, go ahead. It's a game show, but continue. It's a- congrats. Okay, but it is, it's the godmother is someone that I don't know. Exactly like this.

Yeah, it's like a- Oh, is that what you were pitching? When you said another friend, I thought you meant like one of my friends. Not her friend, yeah. Right, so it's someone that I don't know. They- the parents die. Yeah. We have to get together.

Yeah. For the sake of this child. For the sake of young Rihannaan. Yeah. And then, guess what? What? It turns out this godmother is a friggin' detective. Oh my god, she knows all about your sordid past.

Not my sordid past. We try to solve the murder of our friends. It was you. It was you that killed the friends to get you closer to this hot detective type. The ultimate twist. Who's that race that I was talking about earlier. And then it all comes back where she thinks it's romantic, the final twist. And just as we go in for our screen kiss, we get stabbed by Rihannaan.

The child did it to you. Because she grew up hating you. Knew that I murdered the parents. Batman style. Yeah. Who murdered Batman's parents? Is that Cannon? Was it like the jokester?

It wasn't the jokester. Was it the Riedler? It was not the Riedler. Was it the Pongwing? It wasn't the Pongwing either. I think it was Puisan Yves. Who? Puisan Yves.

Was it the Catwoman? Pies and Ivi. Pies and Ivi. Pies and Ivi. So one of the, did one of the bad people in the Batman universe kill Batman's parents? I don't remember. I think it was like somebody that worked for somebody. Spider-Man was the same way, right?

Uncle was killed in front of him? Yeah, but that uncle was killed by like, somebody, it was like a petty criminal that got away. Got it. And that like, taught Spider-Man, like that I, at least in the movies actually, I don't really fucking know. Superman was also orphaned. Didn't he have to like, leave his planet? Yeah, his parents sent him away.

I think most like, most superheroes have mom, your daddy issues. Why didn't any, like, yeah, is there a superhero that like, grew up in a nice house? Well, Superman did with his adopted parents. No, I'm talking about. But as Peter Parker, his aunt and uncle raised him really nice. Yeah, where's his parents? But like, I want like a superhero raised by his parents in a non-broken home. Raised by his parents, right?

You're the broken home. What? You're broken. Fine, his or her parents. Oh, Wonder Woman. Was what? She was raised in a great community with her mom. Really?

Mom and dad? I don't know, well, in Wonder Woman, they live on an island that is only women. Oh, that's right. I don't know if there are, how people are born on that island. I don't know how it works. It seems like to make a superhero, you have to have a fucked up childhood. You gotta have a chip on your shoulder. That's right.

Like, no superhero also got like SAT tutors and like had a fine high school experience. They got a used car with their parents' help. That's cool. They were 16. And now you want to fight crime? No, you don't. You just want to become an accountant in Gotham. You want to freeload off fucking Batman and or Superman.

Yeah, something always has to happen to someone's parents or loved ones to like make them fucked up. Either that makes them the villain, because that's also happens to all the villains. Oh, right. It's all like, this is the same thing in Mindhunter. They seem to make like every evil person as a result of something fucked up that happened to them. I think, but I think that's like close to being true. Yeah, like nobody's just like, yeah, he was a nice guy, but that's what you also hear about other serial killers.

Oh, there's a nice guy who was a quiet guy and then he snapped. Yeah. But then you look back and you're like, oh, no wonder he snapped because he had this fucked up childhood. Yeah. Nobody like, like if I was a serial killer, would I be the first one with like a non-troubled past? Right. And that's what got me off. Yeah.

But I bet once we started digging, we could like just say that things were troubled in your past, because I do, you also like to find a reason. That's cool. It's like, if you all of a sudden did it, we would like go back through your parents and be like, oh, like they were like this and that probably fucked him up in some way. But like if you're normal, you would never second guess any of the things that they did. Like, you know how they locked you in a basement for three and a half weeks? Yeah.

Yeah. Like that doesn't really come up because you're pretty much fine. You pay your taxes on time. But then like if you snapped one day, then like the being in a basement for three and a half weeks would like, that would like a bell would go off. Yeah. Well, he's, yeah, he was like. Like my mom used to yell at me and make fun of me a lot growing up.

I feel like I have sort of a hall pass to kill older women, but I just don't take it. Oh, yeah. Interesting. I'm just like a nurse. Like instead of. There's not really a hall pass. You still get in trouble. Yeah, but it's like more understandable.

I guess like they would be able to do a sympathetic profile of you. Like Charles Manson was in and out of like foster care. Mom was like abusive. Dad wasn't there. Right. But like if I convinced people to kill people, people would be like, what the hell? You don't even have a reason. Yeah, I just thought it was your dad's a kind of colleges.

And your mom was always private school for Christ's sake. What's the point of this? All right, let's try to answer one last question. Sure. My friend and I had a roommate last year. It was his first year of college. So he basically partied every night was very loud, rarely clean. Now, don't get me wrong.

He was a nice guy, but my friend and I didn't want to live with him anymore. So we decided to find a new place without him knowing. Once our lease was done, we told him that we were going back home for the summer and we'll contact him if we get another place. But what we actually did is move into a building one block away, just the two of us. It's been a year now and we still haven't told him that we lived together without him. Should we tell him the truth of why we moved out or just keep lying? Keep lying.

Like there's no reason to be like, I got a level with you. Just so you know, we lived down the street and never fucking told your ass. This would turn him into a serial killer. He would kill two strangers every week and they're like, why did he do that? He's like, yeah, because his roommates left him. Wait, are they like, we don't want to hang out with him anymore anyway? Yeah. Oh, so yeah, if like the relationship is over, you don't have to like say anything.

But they still seem like in the neighborhood because it's like, they moved one block away and didn't tell him and he's still there. I think you could just be like, yeah, sorry, it didn't work out. Work out. You said you were going home and that you'd contact me. Where'd you end up? I guess if he's like that, you can kind of be like, you understand. I'm fucking crazy.

I wouldn't want to live with myself either. Yeah. Do people who are loud and rarely clean know that they're bad? Are they like writing emails being like, my roommates are all anal and shit. Like I can't even take a dump without them watching me. We should search our email for like neat freak. Yeah. My roommates are date freaks.

You're either a disaster of a loud, rarely clean person who calls people neat freaks or a neat freak where other people are the disasters. I've lived with too many people who call themselves neat freaks and they're not. You're the neat freak. I'm a neat freak. I'm an actual one. And a lot of people like to describe themselves as a neat freak because they're like, oh, I have OCD.

I like neat things to be clean. Like no, you don't, you don't. You're brushing your teeth for the ninth time today. But as a neat freak, when you live with a normal person or you're like, this guy's a fucking mess, are you like, no, they're average and I'm a great freak. Yeah. I know that I'm a, I know that I'm a neat freak. I wouldn't be like, you're disgusting.

But I would be like, that's, that's a bridge too far for me. The cereal bowl is still in the sink. Yeah, that'll bother me. That needs to go into the dishwasher ASAP. I will, I, I can't eat a meal unless all of the dishes from the meal are clean. Oh, you clean all the dishes before you even eat. If it's, I mean, like if it was a hassle to make it. If Jill's made a big dinner or something and there's like pots and whatever, like I'll,

I'm like cleaning as we go. And there's like, are you done there? There's like still pasta in the pot. I do it all the time. I'm just like, let me put some actual soap on the right. Start watching a spatula. I was using that still. But then like maybe I'll let something, I'll like let something soak while we eat because

like I want to eat while it's hot. She's like made it. But if it's me eating by myself, like if I make myself lunch or breakfast or something, everything is clean and finished so I can eat and then just leave. So you clean the pan that made a hot dog before you eat the hot dog. Yes. You don't just leave the pan in the sink. We're like, I'll do this after I eat.

Correct. Okay. What about putting stuff in the dishwasher? Do you pre clean or do you put it in there soiled? I will rinse. No, no, like actual food chunks. But like, yeah, it's, it's basically clean. But not like, all right.

Let's say you have a plate with potato chips around the plate and then a sandwich. You finished the potato chips, but the sandwich is still there. Are you soaking the right side of the plate so that it's nice and clean for the rest of your sandwich so there's like a sponge with soap to the right of the sandwich that you've yet, you have yet to eat. Correct. And then you lift it up and you take a bite and then when you put it down, that area that the sandwich is no longer there, you start scrubbing that vigorously.

So what I'll do, what I'll do is like, I'll lift up the sandwich. I'll wipe the entire thing. Underneath it. Yeah, underneath it. It is crystalline, perfectly clear. With soap and water. Soap and water, hand-dried. And dried before you put the sandwich back down.

Then I put the sandwich back down. I chew, I finish, lifts the sandwich up, wipe it down. Rinse your feet. Dishwash it maybe. You're a freak. You're a freak of me. I'm a neat freak. That's your supervillain name.

Neat freak. Neat freak. Oh, here he comes. He's a crumb. Get him. Do you ever have ants in your house? I've had ants in my house when I lived with you. It's because you left the fucking crust in the trash can.

You have ants in your house all the time. Of course. You have a fucking crumb. I'm a crumb man. I'm a crumb bum. Neat freak and the crumb bum. Oh my god, we should make a fucking graphic novel. That's really cool.

All right. I'm going to delete this part. If you hear this, I've made a terrible mistake. Well, we should really just ask other people to do it because that's kind of like RMO. Okay, so design a cover of a comic book. Neat freak and crumb bum. And I just have-

The Jacob Year, finally we're making a superhero show. All right. So send that as well as any questions or theme songs he might have to, if I were you, show at gmail.com. Opening on with J. Arsenault. This closing one is a crash into me, Dave Matthews' band style cover, by Nick Goldston, who wrote last week's theme song. So Nick wrote a Dave Matthews cover for you, Jake.

You can listen to it now. Fuck me, yes. Finally. And of course, we'll be back next week. And for more, if I were you, you can always just listen and watch on our Patreon. Patreon.com slash J.A. That's right.

There's video episodes of this here podcast. Thanks for listening and we'll see you soon. Bye. Tell me what I can do to fix my romantic politics. Should I tell her I'm in love or find a Starbucks close enough? Holy guacam, so lost and confused. But I know what to do, email too, if I were you, show at gmail.com. That was a hate gum podcast.