If I Were You - 403: Ass Shot

Episode Date: October 7, 2019

In this episode we discuss physical therapy, Succession, and Jake's goddaughter.For more IF I WERE YOU check out our Patreon for bonus Thursday video episodes!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. There's a place on the corner of Cherry Street that I used to go get something to eat Kiss the winner, but wait, he wants a guy to eat and a man, does this make me? Bye Give me some advice If I could email in, things would get better

Choose a name that's fainting one forever Let your jokes rush down on me and take me away Yeah haha Do you know what that was? It was a yellow card cover That's right, Ocean Avenue parody Of all of the pop punk in the world that I love I never got into yellow card

You know, it's funny you say that because my college roommate of three years Pavla, shout out to Pavla was so into yellow card and I think it was mostly younger fans at the time She had this huge crush on the lead singer and I still remember his name because of that Ryan Key

Yeah, which is a great name for a front man of a pop punk band in 2002 He called yellow card the violinist And she was so into yellow card that she like started meeting people from a yellow card message board No, no way, no way I think she even like made some lifelong friends

from the yellow card message board Well, I guess that's nice I guess that's nice as long as they've bonded about something outside of yellow card Remember message boards? Just the idea of message boards My original, the first time I ever used chat rooms was an offspring message board Yeah, for the band offspring

But it wasn't because I liked offspring It was just because that was the only place that I could find a chat room For those of you who are under the age of 30 message boards were like the internet but before any social media It was kind of like omega actually Yeah, so instead of having a Facebook

or a MySpace that you said Oh, I like this stuff Let me find some like-minded people that also do It was a website that was a message board that you said Oh, I can't wait to see offspring in Oakland and then other people can chime in and say, yeah, I'll go to that show with you

Yeah, I guess that's like what the internet was good for back in the day and now it's just a whole goddamn mess I wonder if Instagram killed message boards I feel like they were dead before Instagram came around, right? But like message boards still sort of exist There are still message boards

Remember like on AOL you can access like alt.usenet. It's like pre-internet message boards where I would like post stuff I don't even understand what it was but it was like text only non-website message boards that you can- I was chatting with like other Conan O'Brien fans

in like 1997 Wow, that's- I mean that's early I feel like maybe it was like 1998 I was just trying to cyber with people in the offspring chat Does anybody just want to cyber? I don't even like offspring

It was all 12 year olds all pretending to be 19 all cybering with each other Smash the album is good but I'd rather just smash you I wish I was that clever So this guy was Jackson aka atjants1

underscore on Instagram the third installment of a pop punk parody also calling out my friend John Thorpe who's honestly a herb his band is Club Paradise and they released their latest singer Closer on all platforms so you can find it on streaming

follow us at thisisclubparadise Okay and he'll take one request from each of us Oh, like we can give him a song that we want him to make a cover of? Yeah, can you name another song that you want him to cover?

Yeah, dude, I was so fucking into the starting line Do you remember the starting line? Did you ever listen to them? Is that another yellow card song? No, no, that's a band I was never on their message board Let me see

There's a lot of good Oh, the best of me You know that song, you know the best of me The best, the best of me No, not even close, dude We got older but we're still young You can have the best of me

No song No, I don't know that It's so good Have we done an L? I think it's good, I don't remember now It definitely felt good at the time Have we done an L Scorcho Weezer? Have we ever done an L Scorcho parody?

That transcends pop punk I think we have done that though That's as close as I can get to loving pop punk Doing an L Scorcho That's not true, you love pop punk Yeah, but I never got as into it as you Who did? Usenet news groups, that's what I was on

That's why I'm looking up I'm just trying to jog my memory here If anybody was on that Conan O'Brien Usenet news group, hit me up It's been 30 years, but I'm down to hand They're all dead now, man Of course Alright, thank you

Chance 1 underscore Can you have an underscore at the end of your handle? I feel like that's kind of a cheat I mean, I really appreciate everything this guy's done for us But that's too many plugs He gave us his fucking band His Instagram His friends' band

Their single and their Instagram Yeah, no, that's just his personal Instagram What are we all supposed to do here? That's just too much He gave us a nice little six minutes of content At the top, we talked about Yellowcard He made an original song for us And I want him to do the best of me

Trust me, I want him to do the best of me You also have a request for future work I mean, his Instagram The band single, his friends' Instagram His band's Instagram Yeah, sorry And then I think it was his freaking Facebook page And it go fund me

And then a link to a Kickstarter that he's doing We've spent more time making fun of him now Than promoting his stuff Do you appreciate the underscore at the end of the Instagram handle? I feel like that shouldn't be possible I mean, it's definitely possible I feel like that's... It's obviously for somebody that doesn't care

If they have followers or not Yeah, because you can't tell someone My name is at Jake for underscores Yeah, no, that's just not going to happen But I've seen people do cool stuff with underscore Where it looks interesting And if your name is searchable That'll show up

Would you rather have at Jake Hurwitz on Instagram Or at Jake underscore on Instagram? I think Jake Hurwitz Okay, what about at Jake Hurwitz Or at underscore Jake? At underscore Jake sounds awful I would not want that at all Alright, what about at Jake Hurwitz

Or at J underscore Ake underscore Herbitch 69 underscore I want Herbitch underscore That's cool I feel like I can still get that one too We got a few minor updates Before we get into the questions

Updates on what? Two weeks ago, you asked To be someone's godfather Oh, oh my god Last week, Rhiannon Pronounced Rhiannon, I'm getting Said... Sorry, Rhiannon's mother said

You can be my daughter's godfather That's sick You said I want to see photos Of her before I commit And it wasn't... But it wasn't like I want to see photos That makes me sound like So fucking weird

Yeah, which I called you out on You wanted to make sure that she Looked Aryan or some shit to you No, I did not Anyway, this lady Katie says I freaked out when you read my email Never dreamed you'd see it let alone read it on the pod

Which is fair, maybe we shouldn't have at all A lady named Katie That's right But here is my daughter She sent us photos, do you see this photo Of this sweet Rhiannon? Excuse me Oh, she's beautiful

Oh my god Rhiannon Are you ready to commit yet or do you want to see Maybe like a video She's wrapped up in a fox blanket She's on the couch, she's drinking a baba She's watching TV Fuck yeah dude

We can hang, oh and here she is She's like at the park, she's got a dress She has big hearts Sunglasses Yeah, I'm in I can be Rhiannon's godfather Actually, let's ask for a video so you can hear her voice Maybe she has a dumb voice

No, I don't need a video, I'm in You're talking about my fucking goddaughter Right now She might have a dumb voice No, you just made a dumb choice What? You shouldn't make fun of my flesh and blood Like that

You shouldn't be your flesh and blood Family is a blood bond It doesn't matter if we actually share the blood That is my flesh and blood Yes, it does matter That's exactly what flesh and blood means That you share the blood You can't say it doesn't matter if we share the blood

She's my flesh and blood Don't tell me that my goddaughter is not my flesh and blood Yes, that's what I'm saying Your goddaughter is your goddaughter Which is a nice bond, a great bond, a spiritual connection She's not your flesh and blood You're talking about my ancestors No, I'm not

No, I'm not Yes, you are My heir Great grandfather or something Is your ancestor This is my family Fruit from the family tree I'll give you family

But you can't specify flesh and blood You're pissed or something Or something Alright, let's go to another I'm pissed You're talking about Riannan, my daughter Another non-question email we got Something, it says, Jake needs to see this

And it was an ad I don't know if you saw this I forwarded it to you It's an ad for a tube That lets you piss inside of thinner water bottles While you drive Somebody's been sending Something like this on Instagram

It's like this plastic tube It's thick at the top So you can stick your dick in it And then it curves down With a tiny little thin funnel That you can attach to a water bottle Right, it's a funnel, it's a long funnel with a hose This is...

Okay, so this product is Stupid Because your dick is the hose You don't need a second hose This thing is like, put your penis in this hose This hose goes into a bottle Your penis is the hose Your penis goes into the bottle

This is adding an extra step Now you have two things that are... Also, you have two things covered in piss In your car And the funnel doesn't have a cap The bottle at least has a cap It doesn't smell once you cap it I guess it's like a way of pissing

It's a way of pissing inside the bottle But a little cleaner, because the way you do it You need to get a gatorade bottle And there might be some splash That might be a way of pissing into A regular, like, Poland spring bottle Which does have too thin Of an opening

But I don't think you need All of this accoutrements There's a splash guard too I mean, you obviously can't use this one While you're driving You can't improve upon the gatorade bottle You can't improve upon the gatorade bottle Somebody sent me one thing that was close

And I'll tell you what it was It was a friggin' Martinelli's glass apple It's actually kind of what this thing is Which is like that little hose It looks like a little accordion But this thing It could scrunch up and it was Like a little disc

And then you unscrunch it It's the accordion You piss directly into that Okay So you're saying the bottle slash accordion Is all one product You do not need an intermediary Between your dick

And the bottle Like the penis should go directly into the bottle There's no need for a funnel Like P into the bottle Not P into a thing Then into the bottle And I don't want to get too crass Because I know my goddaughter listens to this podcast

I don't think she listens Trust me Rhiannon is allowed to listen to the show She's a big girl Don't worry about Rhiannon Don't tell me how to raise my girl You're not raising her Don't tell me how to raise my fucking girl

I think you're kind of misunderstanding My goddaughter means You think you're raising this child No I am god And this is my daughter The guy in this funnel demo Is not holding the bottle I should say That's a very precarious situation he's in

I mean this is obviously a photo op There's no chance that he's paying You can't just put your dick Into this hose and like P straight up Like you This is not how peeing in the car looks And that's coming from somebody who Has peed in the car

Easily a thousand times You know what this is, this guy has pulled over And now he's in his back seat So car's not moving The water bottle's on the floor And he's got some more room to entertain this idea And obviously if you're going to do that Then you might as well just piss onto the side of the road

Because what this dude is doing here In this photo is just collecting P for some reason Maybe it's like I proud it I pee the bottle out of absolute necessity Yeah but if it's like a crowded area And you don't want to piss on the side of the road Yeah I mean I don't want to piss on the side of the road But like the way this guy is he's in the back seat

It looks like it's just Or you know what it probably is He's in a lift So this guy's like Ubering somewhere and stopping He gets into a lift with like a messenger bag It's like excuse me do you mind I don't even think you ask

You just sort of whip out your hog Slide it into the funnel And let him go to town And be like sorry I know I should be I should be gripping the bottle to make sure it doesn't spill But can you drive a little smoother If you're a real pro Your dick is always in the funnel

And then you're just putting the funnel into a bottle Whenever you see one But you should always have your dick in the funnel And you can direct the pee anywhere And your penis isn't exposed Because it's only pee coming from a funnel Do you think a funnel is called that Because it's a fun tunnel

Yeah I do I think funnel is a fun tunnel I would imagine that's why That word is called that Do you think the channel In England is called the channel Because it's a chill tunnel That's why that's called the channel

So there's a funnel And then there's tunnels Why do you think they call it a tunnel A tunnel is probably because it's a timid little channel Yeah I think so So the tunnel Yeah so the tunnel is a Channel but it's a little shy about it

So it's a timid channel It's like a tight funnel So like a tunnel for short Cool Alright let's get to a real question for Christ's sakes It's about time We'll call this lady Riannan because I guess She's your daughter now

That's right I wonder Katie if you're listening Before you live You might not ever meet Riannan She might live far away It'd be nice to invite her to a live show If we do one near them and I can meet my goddaughter 4 year old at the live show

Alright Don't tell me how to raise my fucking kid I didn't tell you shit She can go to a live show it's fun It's a good time We'll keep it light We don't have to get too crass It always gets crass

She's not 4 She's like 3 but fine Anyway Riannan writes Oh So I don't think we need to tell her how to Dislike Fade away from someone

You can just sort of stop talking to them Yeah Tell them to leave you alone I mean especially like this guy has a He has like an interest in her And she doesn't want to have anything to do with them So she should definitely not feel bad that he also Doesn't share her TV

Yeah my question is Would you date somebody who has TV taste That's so dissimilar from your own I don't It's sort of a Loaded question you know Cause yes I would date somebody

That had different TV taste But it would kind of depend what they are Like I know smart people That like trashy reality Television and even though I don't like Watching reality TV I'm like not gonna knock them For having a guilty pleasure

That's right If somebody is like Thinks all of the Critically acclaimed shows That I like are stupid And loves Charlie Sheen I would imagine that we have Less in common like beyond TV

You know? Yeah it's tough Because like guilty pleasures are one thing Like you say like the bachelor I know a lot of Like genuinely funny nice Interesting smart people that just Enjoy the competition Aspect of those shows or like Watching it almost like as a sociological experiment

And then there's stuff like Oh I don't get like That's different to me than like I don't like Succession or Game of Thrones Or Breaking Bad or calling them Stupid like why don't you like them Do you not understand them or you like beyond them I want to know what you don't like

And then liking like network TV shows Like Big Bang Theory and 2 and a Half Men what does that say I think that would be more of my line than like Realty TV shows like if somebody liked Really broad shitty Network comedy If they just liked new NBC lineups

Like they just loved all of the New network Television sitcoms I think I would be like more More unnerved than if they like Reality TV and stuff I'd also be upset if they like Didn't like shows like

Succession and Game of Thrones And some of my like all time faves The wire I know my girlfriend loves Game of Thrones And I found it boring And that's like a source of tension Like how can't you not like that show And I'm like I don't know I guess I just didn't

Find it interesting Yeah I mean Jill didn't like Game of Thrones either But it wasn't really a source of tension I mean she just doesn't like fucking dragons Not liking Game of Thrones I think is more understandable than not liking Succession. Succession is just Such an amazing show

Really great. Every episode is a Gosh darn A Like there's not even like a boring scene Every episode is so Story wise alone let alone the Dialogue and like how everybody's acting And what it looks like. And the performances Oh my god yeah

Did you like the rap? The Kendall rap? Yeah I'm wait you mean like did I Like it like As a musical Piece or as like a Story thing. As a story thing Yeah I agree that it was It seemed like it was maybe a little more for just

The comedy of it than for the Story but I think it still serves the purpose Of the story. Yeah it seemed Like for I mean it was Hilarious but I was like would Kendall really do That or they just like rich people sometimes Act crazy like this. It felt like It was shoehorned into the his specific

Story. Yeah I don't think I don't think it's fully Is in Kendall's character Especially when like last episode He was shattered in the Yeah. In the kitchen of like The guy who He like sort of accidentally

Killed's house Yeah Arito soon he went home that night And started writing his cipher Right but I think that like Story wise you know think about Where Kendall needs to be right now. He's like Completely Kind of like losing control

In drugs And off Rails again and I think that Seen served to show Logan Like his kids Don't get him but Shiv does. Yeah It's also funny that like eight minutes after that Wrap he walked up to this his fling

And was like you said awesome a lot In front of my dad which means you're stupid You embarrassed us. Yeah. You put on a baseball jersey and wrapped You're the bigger embarrassment dude Yeah it's hard to imagine Like why Kendall, like wearing Kendall's head

It's like dad will like this. Yeah If you like he's been He's been his dad's Like agent His little fixer this entire season And then he does a weird wrap But I also think that it's partly because Of him sliding off the rails

If I told you before the episode One of his sons For his to honor his father Would perform a wrap For him Would you have guessed it was Kendall Roman Kendall would have been my last guess Yeah. I would have been

Torn between Roman and Connor And Connor did something pretty stupid The super dad I super love you super dad Super love you super dad But that was like cringy and like seemingly A little bit more in Connor's character And Shiv would never do it at all

Right and she did not Which tracks But I think more It's weird to be like we give the show An A and now nitpick it But hey that's television I think more like I was more confused why

Rea would throw this huge Party for him in the first place Yeah well she doesn't know him She doesn't know him like his kids do But that just seems like such a Strange leap for her to go out on Yeah a big swing Yeah just like and too big of a swing

She's like calculating And smart that's What she showed in the last In the episode before this one And then for her to like be like Completely tone deaf in this one Didn't quite make a lot of sense to me It ended up winning her the job at the end

Did you think he was going to say Rea Or did you think he was going to say Shiv When he took that dramatic beat I knew he was going to say Rea because Now they know that someone has to take the fall Right for that other story Right I wish

Sure only 11% of the Listeners actually watched the show But it's still interesting for everybody Yeah I bet a lot of people hated what we just did Don't add us Alright let's take a break we'll come back We'll answer some more questions after this Later

Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring This Head Gum podcast You know Aura Frames is sponsoring Not just this episode but the entire Head Gum network Jake I mean this might be the goat Father's Day gift I think it actually is

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But they are great Really easy way to like stay in touch With your family you can upload as many photos as you want Directly into my parents Kitchen it's really nice Oh that's cool so you take a photo of anything Perhaps a baby and then it goes to their digital photo Yeah frame

This is actually how we told Jill's Grandma she was pregnant We got her the aura frame We plugged it in Jill's grandma was pregnant Really nice asshole This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife And you're trying to make a joke of it

I was just being goofy a little bit Like this is how I told my grandma She was pregnant Yeah kind of like she misheard it Or the way you said it was kind of like Could go either way By the way Jill's grandma is pregnant Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant

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And it's extra affordable That's better help H-E-L-P dot com slash if I were you Check them out, thanks better help And we're back Jake do you have any? Oh it's a lift through the fire Mom I'm coming

Gross We're gonna have to change that out Because it's a little crass And my goddaughter listens to this show Oh my god Godmother I'm coming Easy You're not even the godmother

Cool it You're gonna have to cool it But pop the brakes there Do you even know who her godmother is? No but I'm gonna have to I guess I'm gonna have to be with her If anything happens to Riannan's mom So we should figure that out

We should definitely meet Somebody tweeted at me that said That story we had about two godparents Having to raise a child together Is already a movie Interesting that makes sense Oops Oh yeah two things

I have unsolicited advice But unrelated Just because I was thinking you said That thing about movies And you know every once in a while you see a movie That just would never get made today Meet Joe Black is an example of a movie That just doesn't make any sense

It's such a strange idea And in the early 2000s Or the late 90s I guess Brad Pitt will do it So it'll be a movie I saw the talented Mr Ripley last night Have you ever seen that movie? Yeah I saw it years ago

Brad Pitt is in that one too No it's Matt Damon and Jude Law It's a really good movie Where it exists in like Modern day Because it doesn't make any statement Not really it's just like A strange journey with Matt Damon

Being a weirdo That's the log line But it's really fun to watch because Matt Damon And Jude Law are young and hot Yeah that's good Not really my unsolicited advice though It's like a con man right Some guy like pretends to be friends

Or pretends to be rich or something You're just like why is this happening Why is he suddenly being a con man All I remember is that somebody Got killed on a boat Like got whacked in the face with an oar Yeah that's It's such a really bizarre movie

Any whom My unsolicited advice Is physical therapy Whether you need it or not Honestly yeah a little bit If you have any pain It's probably due to like how you move And you should go check out a physical therapist's office

And see what's what It's almost like regular therapy You don't have to be suffering To get some use out of it Totally and I confided in my physical therapist today And they were not interested Yeah you opened up I wept

For 10 straight minutes Well that was because your back hurt Yeah so I pulled my back Or something I fucked up my back this weekend Which happens to you like 4 times a year Yeah I believe it

So the last time it happened was in May And before that I think it had been a year But it's twice this year already Yeah And it's I guess It just feels like a pinch Or like a quick pull, a pop

And then it's just like I'm laid up for 3 days You don't know what causes it Like Sometimes it's really straight forward Like I'm climbing and I pull on something And I feel it in my back Last in May I like lifted a kettle bell And it just I like felt a little pop

Right But like my back just seizes up I go into a hunch There's like a ton of nerve pain It feels like spasming Just like crippling Blinding shooting pain In my back

I believe There was not any like inciting incident But I played a lot of soccer on Sunday Or on Saturday with my dad And his like pick up soccer crew Yeah they beat you up Honestly it's a bunch of like Some guys are as young as like

There's some like yell kids in their 20s But most of the dudes are Over 40 A lot of people in their 50s I mean my dad's in his 60s And they run circles around me I'm not good But I have a lot of heart

I cover a lot of ground Because I'm bad at soccer I have to run around a lot I cannot be fatigued Indifatigable or infatigable I'll go indifatigable I think it's indifatigable But I was feeling

My legs were just feeling super tight My hip flexors are super tight And then I was on Sunday Just trying on a pair of pants And there was no pull But just all of a sudden my back just started like Locking up And

On Monday when I My sister came over to help me Because I couldn't do shit And the elevator She was buzzing and I couldn't even get to the door When I finally got there I like inched my way up I let her in

And I was in so much pain That I couldn't move I couldn't sit down I couldn't even get down All I could do was stand still And then eventually it was like seizing so bad That I fell on the ground Oh my god

That's awful Truly insane A doctor had to come to the house Because I couldn't leave He put you down He gave me a shot in my ass Jesus Are you sure this was a doctor?

I ordered time Postmates and he's like I have an idea This is fucking insane But hear me out This dude gave me a shot He was Trying to examine me

I was on my couch I could not turn over It was so painful that I couldn't turn over Did he flick the needle? Doctors seemed to do that before sticking needles up your ass If I know anything I was in such blinding pain That I don't remember

I blacked out Did you cry? No I did not cry But I yelled Made guttural sounds I wonder if crying would have helped Probably

It would have been a release I was depressed enough to cry On Sunday when it happened Because I was so looking forward To seven straight days In New York and doing errands And getting stuff done

Going on runs in the park On Sunday I was limping back To my apartment I was dejected Down and out I was so sad But anyway This morning

Jill had made an appointment with a physical therapist And this lady Was like just seeing all of the ways That I was moving She was like put your hands on your thighs And just like slide down bend as far as you can Get down I could like basically get to my mid thigh

That I couldn't bend over at all Turning to the left and right She was like asking me where my pain was And then she just massaged my back And rubbed Put like There was some kind of stone involved She massaged my glutes

And I got up and all of the pain was gone She You cheated on her, Jill She massaged my glutes And the doctor gave me a shot in the ass I ended up having a fucking Three way Everyone's massaging people's asses

That's why I love physical therapy It was a fucking Lemon party Granted today I was in way less pain Today is Thursday and this happened on Sunday So I was already Able to like stand up

Right and walk and stuff But like I was still very tight And this lady I Asked I was like if I came in here on Monday Like when it was the height of the pain Would you have been able to get this result And she was like We're closed on Monday

And then I was like if you If we met on Monday And she said yes I don't know if I believe her It's definitely worth a try if you have chronic pain Or if you Pull your back like I did It would have been so sad if you were like

If I came in on Monday and did this Would you have been able to help And she says we're closed on Monday And then you had no follow up questions Very good That was a test to see if you knew your hours I have no follow ups You caught me

You know what I meant Dude You're making fucking pain And you're being like a smart ass about it Speaking of smart ass Will you inject my ass Yeah But I really think physical therapy

Could be the goat move I wonder if I should do it Do you have any chronic pain No but I can figure something out Like maybe if I twist an ankle Or if like I sleep On my like a really bad pillow And my neck hurts and shit

Yeah that's interesting She did say that like Your body can get tight When it's like doing a lot of work To stabilize you in a way that should be Like natural and taking minimal work Which kind of makes sense to me Like I feel like it all stems

From my hurt feet And my balance is weird because of that And I walk weird because of that So like I'm Putting a lot of extra pressure On my body To just like hold myself together Jesus

So I'm like so now physical therapy Is like the idea of Retraining my body to just Be like naturally strong Yeah you think you'll be able to do that though I guess you're aren't you getting foot surgery Yeah I'm getting surgery On November 26th

And right before surgery You can also ask for the anesthesia to be administered Through your ass Look at a shot I'm also getting my wisdom teeth out On November 5th I'll get the shot for that On my ass as well

It won't numb my gums But at least I won't know where I'm sitting Whether it's on my ass or not I didn't know I feel like you would have already had to get your wisdom teeth out Right? You know that's the interesting thing I have gotten my wisdom teeth out

But only on the right side My wisdom teeth is just Coming out Yeah it was weird I like I had pain on my right side And I went to the dentist in Connecticut They removed my wisdom teeth

And I got like a follow up check With another dentist And he was like why did they only do the right side And I was like I don't know That's all they did And he was like mad at them If they put you under They would just do everything

When did you get your other wisdom teeth out? That was in 2013 Fun fact That was one of me and Jill's like Original dates Really? I don't even remember you getting your wisdom teeth out It happened just before we moved to New York Really?

Yeah You must have not complained about it Yeah I guess I didn't I guess complaining is sort of something I do now Yeah 34 Yeah I'm 34 right? No wait I'm at 33 or 34

I know you're a bed ridden so maybe you're 94 I think I'm 34 You think? I'm honestly not sure Of course you're 34 your birthday was in 85 Yeah I know I know I know No you don't I know

You just tried to change your fucking birthday on the podcast thinking I wouldn't know I think I'm 29 dude I don't think so I have another question we can answer Alright Question made me laugh I'm a 24 year old guy Do you know any 24 year old guys? Kyle Kuzma Kyle Kuzma writes

Nice I'm a 24 year old guy and I've gotten a friendship problem I need some advice on So I was recently moving out of my apartment and needed some help Moving a couch A friend of mine offered to help However on the day of she didn't answer my call Or text confirming if she'd still be able to help me

She texted me back three hours later And said so sorry My friend and I went on an unexpected Shop unexpected shopping spree LOL We're about to eat but I can totally help out afterwards If that works for you That'd be funny if he called her bluff

Yeah just waiting on you So whenever after shopping spree After you eat I'll be here At this point I had asked a maintenance guy at my apartment To help because I had to be out of the Apartment on a specific day and I couldn't afford To wait for her

It's got to move it back in LOL It's the next day now And my question is What do I do now? Do I tell her she did a sucky thing After all she's the one that offered to help I wasn't even planning on asking her

Or do I just let it go It's not like she can go back in time and help me out PS we've only been friends for three weeks Should that factor in at all Weird It's hard to know if somebody's your friend Until it's like two years in It's such a gradual fade

Well here's a pretty solid test Three weeks of friendship She offers to move a couch and then Doesn't show up and has an abysmal excuse She's shopping To spree instead It's so weird Moving a couch requires

Just two people So if you don't show up it's not like Do you still need help You were the only thing You were the hell You went on a shopping spree LOL And don't tell me that you didn't look at your phone For three hours because that would be a world

Fucking record Nobody goes on such an insane spree But they don't even look at their phone Yeah if anything you look at your phone More you're taking pictures Sending it to people asking what they think of your spree Yeah you're waiting in line When you're at these stores too

That's prime phone time Oh yeah and by the way It's not like oh sorry I'm ready to come over It's like I went on a shopping spree And now I'm going to eat And I can still totally come after I've done two things That I prioritized over helping you

But I also would Two Theories It is the nascent stages Of a friendship If this is the kind of thing that you want To establish That you don't like to be bailed on

That you want A dependable friend Maybe it's worth saying But also It's the nascent stages of a friendship And it's kind of weird to get into A fight you know Yeah you don't want to be like

You really disappointed me three weeks into the friendship I don't know if our friendship can last the full six weeks Now I think I would probably just Be a little passive aggressive And Like when she said If that works for you

I would have just responded like No I'm all good Or something like that Something where she would be like is everything okay And then you have to answer yeah it's fine I'm just a little bummed you ditched me No you would I would even answer I would just like be curt

Cut it off Say you don't need any help Imagine that she'll eventually apologize And say that she's sorry And if she doesn't Then I would probably Hold a petty grudge for a long time We'll call that strike one

And see if she fucks up As a friend of her again Moving the couch is also A very difficult thing She never confirmed and You didn't really follow up I guess I need to know the timeline I'd like to read all of the text messages here

Yeah see like was it like Hey can you help me out October 29th And then like nothing else happened For three weeks it couldn't be that Because they've only been friends for three weeks Right I do want to know Like the extent of the promise Was it like a casual like yeah if you need help let me know

And then it's like day of He's like hey I need help Yeah Then it's totally She's in the right I think Yeah it's also easy to say Like a week and a half And then like when push comes to shove

But I want screenshots I want to follow up pup and I want screenshots Alright if you're listening Kuzmo We need more information Not enough information to answer I want to do a good job with this one My god daughter is listening after all Yeah

I want to make her proud I don't think she is listening I want her to have respect for her old man is all You're not her old man I guess that makes me old fashioned But I think a job well done Is a prime example For a young one

Yeah I think that's I think that's pretty damn important I guess I do Yeah I guess I just want to be a role model is all I know what you want I understand what you want I think it's a little cheesy

But I like to set an example I like to set an example for my My fucking kid She doesn't know who you are She doesn't fucking know who you are Of course she doesn't Her mom just listens to your podcast Rihanna we turn the other cheek

When they go low we go high She's not listening You can call me anything you want You can say I'm an idiot But I like to set a prime example for my You shut the fuck up you little piece of shit Shut the fuck up You gotta stand up for yourself too

Can I say whatever I want or can I not Because you're getting really mad at me I try not to lose my temper when my kids listen to the fucking podcast You're losing an extra hard Knowing she's listening She's like Rhyling you or some shit She's

I guess I'm a little on edge because I'm a new dad Okay I'm sorry if I'm a little fucking A little frazzled right now That's to be expected This is all sprung on me super fucking Last minute I don't think you should do this

Job I think it's like getting to you in a weird way I resent that you even call It a job it's a privilege To raise little Rihanna That's cool Alright That's it those are our shows Sorry those are our questions that's our show

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