If I Were You - 404: Soup to Nuts (Lightning Round)

Episode Date: October 14, 2019

In this episode we discuss ovens, bedding, shoes, fantasy football, Twitter, and our favorite pasta shapes.For more "If I Were You" check out Bonus Thursday Video episodes on our Patreon.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. If I were you, you got the problem. They're gonna solve them. Take it from me. Just send an email in about your situation. They're gonna help you. It's the show. If I were you. Last name, Gonzales. Let the blowfish blow!

Last name, Gonzales. Gonzales. He's putting it in the theme song for us. So we don't have to worry about how to pronounce his last name. Finally. It's about time. Gonzalves. Yeah, that's Justin Gonzalves. Our most prolific theme songwriter.

He said Gonzalves and you just said Gonzalves. What is it, sis? He said Gonzalves. Sorry, I was so busy not messing up the C being a K. Right, Gonzalves is what we used to say. Now it's Gonzalves. Gonzalves. Let's start over.

Justine? Justine. Justine Gonzalves. Thank you, Justine. No. I appreciate it. I really do. That was, of course, an under the sea parody.

Yes, did we ask for that? No. That's not a thing that we asked. It seemed so out of the realm. Yeah, it's so specific. Yeah, it was strange for me to hear it. Why did he want it that way specifically? I feel like he must have thought of the chorus first, right?

Oh, that's how it works. Under the sea, if I were you. But that doesn't even rhyme. Right, but it's the same amount of syllables. Yeah, if the podcast was called If You Were Me, then Under the Sea would make more sense. But this is If I Were You, not If You Were Me. A advice podcast, only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. Right.

I'm Amir. I'm Jake. You're laying down supine on a couch, back update, feeling better? My back is feeling much better, but it's still a little tender, a little tight, a little fragile in a way. Okay, so we're on high alert. Yeah, like it feels... You're not doing a back exercise. You're not doing a kettle swing anytime soon.

I've done two days of yoga for back pain with yoga with Adrian. That's a YouTube video? Yes. And how was that? Stretches your back? Yeah, Adrian's been taking great care of me these last two days. All right, that's good. It's light back stretching and stuff.

I don't know if this is too much, but I figured we'd do a lightning round episode today. I don't know if you're back and handle that. Well, speaking of injuries though, I saw you tweeted last week that you were having some kind of leg numbness. Yeah, you never stand up and you're like, whoa, I stood up too fast or I'm lightheaded or something like that. Yeah. So it's not exactly that, but it's to the point where I stand up and then I like feel lightheaded. And then it feels like, you know, when you finish jumping on a trampoline and your legs feel like dead? Yeah, a little bit.

So it's like that, but only in my left leg. And then it goes away after a few seconds. That seems weird. So it seems like really, really bad and then it seems fine. So I'm always like, oh, shit. And then I'm like, oh, it's fine. And then I sit down for a while. I stand up again.

Do you like forget that it's going to happen? Yeah. So it's always like when you're getting up quickly, it happens. But if you're thinking about it beforehand, if you're like, I'm going to get up now. But getting up quickly is a misnomer. Everyone gets up at the same rate. I can't get up slower. You just get up.

But I guess you're like not mentally preparing for it. Sort of like a, it's like, oh, I got to get up. And it fades in and out. Yeah, it doesn't happen instantly either. So I get up and I walk a few steps. I'm like, whoa, okay. Oh, this is weird. I'm dizzy.

Oh, this is bad. Okay, I'm fine. Do you still haven't gone to a doctor? No, I don't even know how to specifically describe it, let alone which doctor I go to. You've done a pretty good job with me. All right, thanks. If you're listening and you're a doctor out there, also everyone, I tweeted about it, hoping that it was a common thing.

It's like, oh yeah, left leg numb syndrome or whatever the fuck. But everyone was weighing in that was like, oh, maybe you have low blood pressure. But I checked my blood pressure because my parents have a blood pressure thing in their house. Your dad is a doctor. Doesn't he fucking know? My blood pressure is fine. Interesting. Yeah.

Didn't they say like an iron deficiency too? Could be that. Could be an iron deficiency, but my blood test is normal as of like a few months ago. I don't know. I'll keep everybody abreast, of course. Oh, did I ever tell you, remember last, a few weeks ago, you were talking about your dish, your garbage disposal being backed up? Yeah.

And there was a quarter-second there. Uh-huh. The tenant who's living at my house in LA, that very next week complained that the garbage disposal was broken. And it turned out there was a teaspoon in it. Really? Yeah. And it was jammed.

And it was jammed. So what'd you do? Well, I'm not there, but Miguel went over. And he probably used the tool I used. Yeah. He turned it backwards and he was able to take it out. I asked him too. I could have done it.

Yeah, I know. I should have called you. Whatever you paid him, I would have done it for double. Well, yeah, I know. Well, it's like a celebrity handyman service or some shit. Well, the people that live there probably wouldn't know. I'm an influencer. So I'd be like, hey, what's up?

Let's take a Instagram or whatever. And then I'd monetize it. I could have monetized it. Yeah. How would you monetize it? Like, what did you pay Miguel to fix it? 50 bucks or something? Yeah, he's like 50 bucks.

I would have done it for 100 and I would have posted about it on my Instagram story and I would have tagged everyone there. I don't care about that. It's really easy to do that. Yeah. I don't want you to. For me, I almost prefer to do it in that fashion. Yeah, because then you get 100 bucks.

Yeah, 100 bucks and then I can use, I sort of pimp out my social influence in a way. The guy staying there right now is a French soccer player. He has like a million followers. Really? Yeah. He doesn't care about you. So then I would have done it. It's Giroud.

Oh my God. I would have done it for free if knowing it was Zidane staying at your house. He head butts me away. All right. So we did a call to action on our tweets, our tweeters, asking people for as many questions as humanly possible. We're going to try to answer them all in the next, let's say, 12 hours. Okay.

It's a lot of time, but I don't have anything else to do. Okay. Do you have anyone that stood out to you right off the bat? Oh yeah. I had, I thought this was an interesting question, even though I don't have an answer at the moment, but Logan Morrison asks, what is something you do that you know makes no sense or isn't useful, but you do it anyway? Example, checking your phone, even if there was no vibration or notification.

Yeah. Like a phone addiction problem, not so much a weird superstition that we have. Right. Like a tick. I have, I definitely have superstitions that are weird. Oh, here's a good one for me. Whenever I park, I put on my emergency brake, even if it's a flat land. And that's sort of like not, I don't know if it's an east coast, west coast thing, but

a lot of people don't use their e-brake unless they're like, it's necessary on a hill. Right. Like I'll park in my car port and it's perfectly flat and I turn on the emergency brake and then I turn my car off. I don't need to do that. No, not at all. It's interesting. I grew up doing that.

My parents are always emergency brake people and I broke in the habit. I don't. Oh, you don't do it anymore? I think it was because when I got my truck, the e-brake, it's not like just in the console. It's like, that's like easy to put up and down. Yeah. It's like a pedal that you have to press really hard and then like yank this. I like a good hand crank e-brake.

Right. I don't have that in my car anymore. But how often are you riding, are you like driving your car and be like, oh, the emergency brake is on? Well, I can't even move my car unless it's off. Oh, wow. I'll start backing up and it just goes, I was like, oh right, I left it on. This thing that I didn't even have to have.

All the time when I'm at home because my parents put the emergency brake on, I'll just be like driving the car like, this is driving weird. Oh, right. The emergency brake is on. Yeah. Just riding with the e-brake on. That's a good car thing that we don't know. When the emergency brake is on, what does that mean?

Yeah, what is? What does it look like when I'm cranking it? Right. That is weird. And when I'm jerking it off in the car, what does it look like when I'm cranking it? Yeah. What does it look like? Because you're showing up on all those red light camps.

You know what happened to me yesterday? It was the weirdest thing. I was getting into my car, license plate, head gum, and I'm like, it's weird that nobody has seen this or if they have, they haven't put two and two together or tried to get my attention. And it happened on the way home right after I had that thought. Somebody was honking at me and gave me a thumbs up. Oh, that's fun.

Yeah. But it was so weird that I had that thought and then it happened for the first time. I had a really nice fan interaction in New York City last week. I was just walking from the subway and I was walking and somebody just tapped me on the shoulder and I turned and he just showed me his phone and it was listening to NADPOD. Wow. And then he just gave me a thumbs up and kept on walking. He was holding, it was an audio book of Mein Kampf and he gave you a thumbs up and kept

walking. I think my thing that I do that doesn't make any sense is I tried, I had like a weird when I'm leaving a place for a long time, like if I'm leaving my apartment for a few days or if I'm like in a hotel room and I'm checking out, I try to look out the window and have the window be the last thing I look out of in the room. Just in case something terrible happens and you want to die with that image burned in your mind's eye. Yeah.

I mean, it almost feels like as long as I see the sky before I leave somewhere, obviously. The sky in your mind's eye. What's your favorite meal, Nicholas writes, that your parents cook, pat check, diss tweet. Okay. Two. All right. So my mom, my mom makes these bomb-ass calzones. Interesting.

And she also does this really cute little thing with the dough where she writes a letter of everybody's name in the calzones and she takes like specific orders of like who wants what in their calzone. Wow. Me and Micah like meat in the calzone, the triplets in hand are like the lot of veggies, you know? That's cool. My mom sits me down with a fucking kid cuisine and gives me two options, nukit or toaster

oven. Your mom cooks a lot of food. Does your dad cook anything? He grills. So I would say my top two are like when my dad makes steak on the grill, which is very good. And then my mom makes a very good, again, my favorite food, matzabal soup. Soup.

Yeah. He used to call it broiler chicken. And I thought that was just like a nickname for it, but it just, he like cooked it on a char broiler. Yeah. That's another thing I'm not really sure about. Like an oven broils, but what is a broil? Is that like when it's 600 Fahrenheit or something, it's really hot?

Like my oven at home, like when Jill tells me to preheat the oven and it's like the two options are broil and bake and I'm like, both are going to be hot, right? What is broil? What is 450, I think it has to do with like if the heat's coming from just the bottom or the bottom and the top. Yeah. But then if it's heating the box, what is convection? Yeah.

Everything seems to just a hot box or not hot box. I don't know shit. Anyway, my dad's chicken and my mom's calzone. I love that. My mom also makes bomb-ass cookies. Oh, that's right. jakesmomscookies.com, guys. Order yourself a box and order yourself a calzone.

Yeah. You could do a special request for a calzone. Here's a fun one. Jack Shearing writes, is the S or the C silent in scent? Huh. The S, because it's in scent, like sense. Like the sense of smell. Right.

Yeah, but like I think so then the S must be silent. I don't know. I would say the C is silent because it's an S word to me. But then, well, there's also scent, like it's both, both versions are sent. I don't know why my argument was that scent. That's right. That's why it's a tricky question. I think it's the S and the C make their own sound and it's the same.

It's the and same is spelled S-C-A-M-E. I think the S is doing the heavy lifting because it starts with the letter S. And I'm honestly done answering that question. There's not really a time when an S is silent besides from that, is there? Well, that's a good question. Is there ever a silent S? Psycho? No, that's the P is silent.

Of course. I think S's are just are not silent. So C's are the things that are silent. C's are silent sometimes. A silent S. Huh. Silent S. And now I'm doubting that C's are silent, but sometimes C's are S's.

That's a common question because I searched that and it goes, is S or C silent in scent? Whatever, it doesn't matter. Is there an answer? No, there's no answer. It's either one. It's which one you want. Choose your own adventure. Okay.

Here's a production question. Yeah. Jeffrey Stack asks, do you fly to LA every week or have you been recorded remotely more? Oh, interesting. Yeah. You almost fly every week. I definitely seem to fly every other week. Yeah, at the very least four times a month.

Whether you slice it or dice it in a weekly fashion or not. I definitely fly too much. We do record sometimes across the country, but as of now we're sitting in the same room. Yeah. I'm glad that he can't tell. Right. That's true. Your girlfriend, Avi Tal Ash writes, fuck, I'm late to this, but have you ever made a bed ever in your life?

Yeah, that's kind of a funny that she brings that up. I guess it's a source of tension between us and I can see the relationship frayed. It's interesting because I make, I make the bed all the time, but interesting. I get shit because I don't do it well. Avi Tal does it much better than me. That's what she's bringing up. And she does it much more than me because I usually wake up earlier. So last one to leave the bed makes the bed totally when she makes it.

It looks professional. When I do it, it's like a teenager is trying to please their mommy. I am trying to please Jill. I'm like, if left to my own devices, I used to like not, I wouldn't have a top sheet. It's just like comforter pillows. Yeah. And that's easy. That's an easy bed to make.

You don't have to make it with other kinds of pillows. There's throw pillows. And how do you arrange them? What style? I mean, my style was like minimalist, just like two pillows. Oh, two pillows, duvet, and that's it. And that's an easy, that's easy to make. It looks good, but now, now we've got the top sheet.

We have a duvet. We've got four pillows, regular pillows, throw pillows, four pillows. And then like the fucking, like the, those like big headboard pillows. You also have a bonus blanket of sorts sometimes. Yeah. Yeah. Like, oh, at the foot of the bed is just a fucking bonus blanket. Yep.

Bonus. But you're never using that blanket, right? In the winter, you could use the bonus as the bonus, but like all throughout the summer, you're just putting that blanket on the floor. No, in the summer, I wouldn't, I'm not going to use it. The bonus blanket doesn't even show up on the bed in the summer. Wow. Yeah.

I didn't know you put the bonus blanket away. Yeah. Put it away. I thought it was a decorative blanket, like the decorative pillows. No, I mean, it is, it absolutely is. Yeah. You don't need it. No, but like some bonus blankets, but like, I think it only makes sense as a

decorative blanket when you use it sometimes. So if it's like hot and there's no chance of me using it, I'm not going to like keep it around. It's, it's easy to fold. So it's a nice way to spruce up the bed. But again, it's a bonus blanket. You don't need it. How did the chores break up in your household? It's a, it's pretty amorphous.

The bed thing is standardized. Last one to leave the bed makes it, she makes it more often than not better than me. Dishes, more so me cooking, more so her. But again, switching off sometimes me, sometimes her. Uh, what other chores are there in the world? Laundry. Oh, laundry. That's sort of a team effort.

She, I'll like start it and then she'll, cause she folds her clothes in a very specific way that I can't do. Oh, that's nice. She can fold her clothes and mine, fortunately, but I can't, this is me explaining to her why I never fold her clothes. I can't learn your way, babe. I, a few, a few months ago, or maybe it was a year ago or something. Uh, but I, I was like doing a lot of Jill's laundry and I was just like, how

do you like to fold your underwear? So like, I'll, cause I fold mine a certain way. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Um, so like, and she always folded mine wrong. So like, she would fold it and then hand me like, she'd fold the laundry, hand it to me and then she'd see me like unfold and refold all of the underwear. Um, and then I like set, and I was like, what, how do you, how should I fold

yours when I, and she was just like, I just like, when you do it. Oh, so it didn't even matter how you did it. No, she just wanted, like I, I do all of the laundry. All right. Okay. It's, I mean, it's, no, it's nice. It's, it's disgusting. I like doing the laundry and I don't like cooking.

I like doing all of the cleaning stuff, but I do not. I really, uh, dislike cooking. What's your, uh, do you ever leave clothes in the dryer overnight? Are you in an Insta folder? Um, it depends. It depends what's in there. If I know that it's like mostly. Cause it could be a 30 minute obligation.

Yeah. I, it, sometimes I'll take things that I want to not be wrinkled out, but then you also have like the, the wrinkled guard. Yeah. Um, does he think that works? A wrinkled guard. I don't know. I've also, I've taken more to like hang drying, uh, shirts and stuff.

Oh, interesting. So like I tend to whatever is in the, like, whatever I've tumbled dried, can kind of stay in there. I'll tumble dry low. I really don't give a shit. I love laundry. Why? Cause it smells good and it's clean after.

Yeah, it's soothing. I really like it. All right. Got another one. Um, let's say it has to be good. Oh, here we go. James gnomes, right? Our sandals acceptable.

Our sandals acceptable. I wanted to wear two things, two things about me. Okay. One, you know that I wear, uh, geriatric sandals all the time. That's right. Even at home, I don't travel without them. You can't walk barefoot. No, it hurts too much.

Uh, I wear, uh, geriatric, they're kind of like crocs, except they're a little less offensive. They're still pretty offensive. Uh, they're called Ufos and I wear Ufos at home. Like you have a broad. Yeah. But do you wear them out and about? Um, would you wear jeans and Ufos to a, no party?

No, but if I, like in Nantucket, when I'm like just going to the beach, I would wear my bathing suit and Ufos. Hmm. Um, I think sandals are, I don't like thinking of sandals as not acceptable. Cause like I, I'm a big fan of dress, dressing for the weather. I think they're good in the daytime. And then if it's really hot at night still, it's got to be like a beach vibe. Yeah.

If it's hot, you can wear sandals. Like no one's going to require, I know what you require you to wear. Do you have to be close to an ocean? No, if it's hot, absolutely not. You're in Nebraska and it's 90 degrees. You're wearing sandals at night. I would wear, if it was 90 degrees and if it was muggy, I would wear sandals. Ufos?

I might have to. I also wanted my, this was the other thing. I wanted my fall fashion to be Birkenstocks with wool socks. Like, I mean, if it rhymes, it's back, like back to high school. That's what I used to wear in high school when I was like a little hippie. You'd wear Birkenstocks and socks to work, to school? Yeah. Is that like, what if it's like raining, then the socks get wet?

No, no, it's more like an autumn look. You wouldn't wear it in the rain. So jeans, white socks, Birks. There wouldn't be like white socks. It'd be like gray socks. That's cool. Yeah. Yeah.

Gray socks, brown Birks. That's, I want that to be my autumn look, but Birkenstocks aren't that comfortable on my broken ass feet. What about Birkenstocks? So it's socks that have leather strap. That's interesting. Birkenstocks. I think, I think sandals are great.

Tevas? Oh, yeah. Give me a fucking Velcro Tiva. You would never wear sandals. I don't really wear sandals. I don't, I hardly wear flip flops at all. I find them like too loose. I don't know if it's the shape of my foot or whatever.

They'll fly off me. One of the weirdest things I've ever seen you do, like one of the biggest disparities between us is when we were in Portugal and you, we went to that Nike store. You wanted new shoes and you tried on a pair. They were half size too big. You asked for the neck size down. Yeah. And they're like, this is the only size we have.

And you're like, okay, and you just bought them. Yeah, I'll take them anyway. That is through my other shoes away. That is insane to me. Like it wouldn't fit you or it would like eat you alive. It would eat me alive. That I just like had shoes that didn't quite fit right. Maybe I'm in between sizes and it didn't quite matter.

But like that's, that's crazy. Even like not being able to verify for sure, I wouldn't have bought that. Is it because of your feet problem, your very specific feet issues? No, it's because I'm just like hyper aware of how things like fit in general. But like even like pants, like, oh, sometimes I'm a 31, sometimes I'm a 30. You don't find that to be the case. I do. But like if for that reason, I will most of the time order a 31 and a 32 and then send

back the one that I don't like, right? If I'm shopping in the store and I only can try on like one size, I wouldn't get the size that I, I wasn't positive that I was. I was positive that I was an 11 and a half. We felt it. Yeah, you got a lot of room in the toe thumb area. Whatever. I do like the throwing away of the shoes or like the instant discarding of the old

yeah, that's one of my, one of the best feelings I think is like destroying a pair of vans, buying a new pair and putting the old pair into the, into the new box and like throwing that away. Are you supposed to donate those if it's a really old nasty shoe? No, I don't think you can donate an old ass pair of vans at the Nike store. They have like the recycling shoe thing. Yeah, that's nice. That's a good look.

Uh, one more before the break. Okay. Um, John George, should we answer his? Okay. I know you guys aren't really fantasy football experts or whatever, but who should I start this week? Will Fuller or DJ Moore? Have you played fantasy football ever?

No, I'm actually about to join the fantasy basketball league with Carnell and the Rosie's. I thought you were out. I thought you hated it and you didn't want any part of it. I did. And I didn't, and I did one out, but now that it's like coming up again, I've like forgotten all of the bad parts of it. Interesting.

And I'm just, I'm vowing to be less. The thing that like was hard for me is how competitive I got. So I just need to relax. Yeah, that's not going to happen. Yeah. You're going to set your lineups daily. You're going to check to see how many rebounds cat got in a day game. I really should not do it, but every, like they wanted to just redo the

league and everyone on the email was like, yeah, I'm in. So I didn't, I just didn't want to be like, no. Also, weren't there no stakes in that league? Like the winner didn't get anything. I, there was no buy-in. There was no buy-in. There's no stakes, but I did have to take Jeff Rosenberg to a steak dinner, which I still haven't done.

But that's, you got to the finals and you own the steak. Yeah. It's kind of weird that it's just me, like the stakes are, if you go to the finals, you might have to pony up a $200 steak dinner. Yeah. And so it's better to finish in third. I guess rude. There should be a buy-in and it definitely shouldn't the onus be on the

loser of the finals. I have issues. I'll loop you into the email thread. Who's the commish? I need to talk to him. I realized that you are, oh, it's Carnell. Good luck. Oh, shit.

Um, he's yelling at me. You already responded to John George. Yeah. I made a joke. Will Fuller on the Texans, his full name is Will Fuller, the fifth. Interesting. Imagine being the fifth. That's got to be a record for athletes.

The fifth? Yeah. There's no, there's no sixth out there. Yeah. Are there, yeah, the fifth is a long line. Yeah. I don't even know any personal of the fifths. It is, it's kind of too bad.

Even if I started now, I'd never lived to see Jake the fifth. Do you have a, a goal for this fantasy basketball draft, a guy that you want now? I want, I want either, um, Anthony Davis or LeBron. Good man. Yeah. I was going to try to steer you into that, but since you're already there, I'm already there. I will say that LeBron seems to be hellbent on getting Anthony Davis bigger

numbers this year. That's good. If you had the choice between the two, it might be AD. Right. I don't, yeah, I doubt that, I mean, I wouldn't choose LeBron over AD. And then what are your thoughts on Kauai on the Clippers with Paul George? Um, I think that would be, that'd be very solid as well. Um, I had Hardin last year, which was really great.

It feels like this is like Hardin's, uh, do or die year and he's going to try really hard also. Do you see he added something to his game? And the one thing he added is just, uh, taking a three-pointer off one leg. So he worked all summer and now he's got this like extra pirouette step back where he's kind of shooting a layup from 35 feet. And does it, does it go in a lot? In practice, it's gone in.

I haven't seen one in preseason yet, but he's already good enough. He doesn't need to add another type of three to his game. Yeah. That's pretty, wait, so it's, but it's Hardin and Russ, right? Yeah. Together again. So that's kind of interesting. I don't like does that each other's numbers.

Yeah. Cause they're no longer like the only guy on their team. I want what I, who I want is Van Vleet. FVV. Yeah. Who might have a bigger role this year. Cause Kawhi's not playing. Right.

Exactly. Uh, all right. Let's take a break. Enough fantasy advice. We'll come back with more questions, lightning round style after this. Hurrah. Thank you to Aura frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum

network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the goat father's day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah. Not just father's day, but if for any, uh, not so tech savvy family member that

you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting. Yeah. Uh, my first child. We got one for Jill's parents.

Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys, uh, in our family right now, but they are, they're great, really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice.

Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we, how we told Jill's grandma. She was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant.

Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit. Like, uh, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like a, she misheard it or something like that.

Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura.

Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me, like at a pool or something. That could be funny.

Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift.

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The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait terms and conditions apply. That's aura frames, a u r a frames.com. Okay, go get your parents something. All right. And use the code head gum for $30 off plus free shipping. Thank you, aura. And now back to the headgum podcast you were listening to this show is sponsored

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H E L P.com slash if I were you, check them out. Thanks. Better help. And we're back. We got a great story, uh, about Shia. Remember that story? Oh, that's right. Uh, Shia LaBeouf, uh, according to this lady had got some breaking news.

Her friend works as a server at Bestia in LA, very close to HGHQ's restaurant. Recently, Shia LaBeouf is becoming in a lot to have dinner by himself. It's a very nice, fancy family style restaurant. That's also incredibly hard to get a reservation at. I guess not. If you're Shia, Shia, you can just walk in, Shia gets the bar. Uh, and my friend told me that he orders a ribeye every time he comes in and eats the whole thing, even though it's a statement to be shared and it's $135.

So he's eating a lot of beef. Uh, and since he's been doing so is so often the weight and the kitchen staff have started calling them Shia the beef. The joke has even come, the joke has finally come to life. Shia is the beef. He was the beef and forever will be the beef. LaBeouf is French for the beef, right? Yeah.

So it's like, not even like that. We didn't make that joke. We just translated that. LaBeouf eats LaBeouf. Shia eating a fat ribeye at Bestia. I had the freaking beef. The joke that we came up with was changing it to Shia the bean at one point. Yeah.

Let us know when he starts eating a plate full of beans on the reg, on the rag. That really is insane though. We should try to get a picture with him and, uh, Jared, who played Mike Fink, AKA Shia the beef. Uh, here's an interesting question. Tamir, whose screen name, or Tamir, whose name is in Yankees. Shout out to the Yankees. Yes.

Yes. Right. Amir, can you talk about your Twitter persona? What goes into you tweeting something? And for Jake, why aren't you more active on the app? So let's start with your questions since it's a faster one. Uh, I just haven't, I haven't like tweeted anything. Yeah.

Do you ever come up with jokes that you like, oh, I wish I could tweet this, but I haven't tweeted in so long. Yeah. I believe I have, like I have drafts. I don't know if there's anything new in my Twitter drafts. I will say because you tweet so infrequently, your tweets are seen more than like somebody who tweets often. So your tweets that are in your drafts will get better play.

Right. Not yet. Hit me with a draft. I think, I feel like I've done this on the show, right? Any new ones since then? Um, I don't know. I'm making you read tweets is very funny. Tweets that you are too embarrassed to post.

Cause I'm not going to, I'm not going to, I'm not going to like break the seal now. I'm saying maybe this is so bad. What is the last one you posted? What was it recent? Um, do you come up with them recently? No, I, the last, I think the one that we, that, uh, that we talked about was, do you think Ross from friends ever gets swimmers here? Yeah, I like that one.

And I'm not going to tweet that one. I think we talked about on the podcast. I also have a draft that just says, what about me period? That's a good tweet. Cause that's the subtext of every tweet. Right. Exactly. What about me?

That's like the Anthony Juslinick joke that thoughts and prayers. Don't forget about me. Yes. That's right. I guess I stole it from that. Anything else in there? Um, you might be rich, but are you Kiehl's in the guest bathroom rich? See, these are good stuff.

Why are you sitting on? Not good, you asshole. You're teasing me. Oh, I tweet stuff. That's much low barrier to entry than that. I would, my Twitter persona is like, I have like a few, much like Jake and Amir episodes. I have a few styles.

There's basketball jokes. There's Trump retweets. Right. I like the Deer Diaries. Yeah. The Deer Diaries. I don't have a specific persona, but if it makes me laugh, I'll usually post it. And if it doesn't do well, guess what?

You can delete it. And who's going to call you out on that? Or if it doesn't do well, I like when you say, I'm serious. That's what I want to retweet myself without having to actually retweet myself. Uh, I also, I like the, the insane, uh, the insane stories. Like when you're like you, you making up something that's currently like you live tweeting something that's happening. Yeah.

Like, oh my God, I'm hearing this couple and they're having this weird argument. This is what they're talking about. Okay. The whole entire wait staff just came out recently and said like, now I'm chanting too, I would say this is a flash mob, but how'd they get me to do it? Yeah, that one's good. Yeah. It's, I think when you like ones, you chime in to my tweet, Twitter threads.

Yeah, that's right. Yeah. You say, I hate this or what are they doing now? What did you recently respond to my tweet? I hate this. Oh, you, it was like a poll. Yeah. What's more, what sparks more joy?

Oh yeah. Seeing a blimp in the wild, when someone has your B day, finding $10 in your jeans or a crisp high five, and then somebody had a really funny response that goes, what do you mean by in the wild? And then I'm like, you know, like, and I send them a video of me seeing a blimp in the air. He's like, okay, got it. So you just mean seeing a blimp.

Right. They're all in the wild. But it is exciting. You look up and there's a blimp. I guess if you're at a, like an event, you expect the blimp. That's true. And I was just on a walk near Dodger Stadium. That's a blimp in the wild.

It's near Dodger Stadium. It's not really. It's in its natural element. I'm in the wild. You're not that either. You're in Dodger Stadium. I'm attacking its airspace. So what can I get you to tweet something?

Uh, what can you do to get me to tweet something? The Kiehl's one, for example, is a solid get. I, I would never. Why? I couldn't. I'm too nervous. Why? Why does it nerve wrack?

You're not that shy. Yeah. You have two podcasts with nine more on the way. I, yeah, I don't know. I don't know why I just like. You post on Instagram. Yeah. Twitter just makes me, it's such a, like, it's such a swing.

If I paid you cash, would you tweet that? Um, I guess if you gave me like a thousand dollars, you wouldn't tweet that for fifty dollars Venmo'd to you? No way. Why? Why? I would, I honestly, I was afraid when I said a thousand that you're going to pay me and I'd have to do it.

It's not, this is how much Kiehl's should pay you for sponsored content. You still wouldn't do it. Oh yeah. That's right. A thousand dollars to tweet. You might be rich, but are you Kiehl's in the guest bathroom rich? Yeah, I would never. That's funny.

And it's weird because I read it on this podcast. Is it based on the same people? Is that based on the Kiehl's conditioner? I haven't the shower that you've used in my home. Um, I, I know, I don't think it was. I feel like it was, it was based on like me wanting to get Kiehl's for my bathroom, but being like, this is so expensive. It is nice.

It is nice. And I recently have gotten it and that would be my unsolicited advice because it makes taking a shower nicer. Yeah, and it's, it's expensive, but it also takes like six months to go through the bottle. It's, yeah, it does. It takes you a long time. Um, all right.

So mostly soccer podcast asks, have either of you been following the Premier League this year? I've fallen off. I've also fallen off without the podcast. We're not as into it invested. It's weird. I like look at the schedule sometimes just to see if there's any like games that I want to see, but I think it's also just been that I've been traveling

a lot on the weekends. Right. And so Saturday mornings are less accessible. Yeah. But when, when, once I'm like settled in a little bit more, I, I definitely will watch, I have chosen my team. They are the hotspurs. Yeah.

I kind of, I'm torn between the hotspurs and West Ham. And of course those are fierce rivals and you're not supposed to root for both. When I, I'm going to London, uh, this week, this podcast comes out this Monday. I will be in Manchester on Thursday night and lunch in London on Sunday. But no games. There, there's a gig. There's like a match matches. There's a Liverpool man United game on Sunday.

And you leave Friday. I leave. It's, it's in Manchester and I leave. Sunday, it's, it's on the day that I leave. Oh no. And then I'm, then I leave in, that I leave London. I'm in London only Sunday to Thursday. So there's no games.

And I'm so, I'm devastated. Why would you stay in Manchester to watch the match? Because that our show is on Sunday in London. I have to be back. I was sure that there was going to be a match on Saturday. Most of the time they're on Saturday. Dang it. There, I wanted to go to a, I really wanted to go to a game.

Um, Irene Walton, homemade by Irene. Real life friend writes best part of a chocolate chip cookie. That's, I mean, I don't feel like there's a best part, like aside from the, the chocolate. Yeah. And I would say the cookie part. Well, I mean, it's the mix, but you do like, if you see a chocolate chip cookie that is like really chippy, are you like, I don't want that. That's too much chocolate chips in this.

I could say that. Yeah. And I also don't like when they're not melted. Like a melted chocolate chip is so much better to me than the hardened one. Yeah. I mean, I would agree with that, but I would also agree that like, you probably can't make a chocolate chip cookie that has too many chocolate chips for me. And as I should be chippy.

I rarely see the chocolate chip cookie without the chocolate chip. And is that the same thing as a sugar cookie or is a sugar cookie separate from that? I think sugar cookie is a, is a different kind of thing. Yeah. So can you make a chocolate chip cookie without the chocolate chips? Yeah. My mom's done that before. And what's it called?

Um, I don't know. I don't know. Let us know Irene. Please. Uh, any other questions? Let's see. Who takes a mirror to the vet? What's it like being friends with a chipmunk?

A lot of chipmunk related questions inspiring every single day that, that, that you are able to just get through life in a chipmunk body and a chipmunk face with a chipmunk attitude, uh, and just sort of blend in with society. Cause I know that society isn't built for you. It wasn't designed for a chipmunk. And the fact that you get by, it's pretty neat. I don't think so. It's pretty cool.

Thank you. Um, yeah. Oh, congratulations. Here's a nice question that I like. Alexis locksmith underscore, of course, writes favorite pasta shape. Oh, that's a good one. It is a good quote. Oh my God.

And her Twitter bio, it, look at that top, it's pasta in the same way that you have a cookie. Um, yeah, that. Okay. I think I'm going to go tagliatelle. I like the thicker noodle, thick broad, and it usually comes with some sort of ragu. Yeah.

Give me a fat noodle. I want the fattest noodle. I want the thickest noodle. I want my fat, she has here is kind of like an elbow. Yeah. Elbow macaroni. Yeah. It's pretty good too.

Like a pasta salad. I really like, uh, I mean, I'm a big Annie's head. So I like the shell. If, but like, if we're talking like a, like a big, thick shell, a larger shell is really solid. That's nice. Uh, what's your favorite kind of pasta sauce? We're talking sauce.

We're talking sauce. Give me a bowl on Yays. Really? Oaks. You like beef. Wild boar ragu. Like duck ragu. You do like a ragu.

I do like a goo. I like the goo and it's ideally rag based. Yes. And I'm a cheese dude. I'm, I'm like in, uh, but I, my absolute fave is vodka sauce, vodka is the goat cause you get the tomato, you get the cream. And does it taste like vodka a little bit? Or am I making that up?

No, no, it doesn't taste like vodka at all. Is there vodka and vodka sauce? I think there is, but I think like the alcohol part of it is like cooked off. Right. Like, you don't need an ID to buy vodka sauce. You don't get drunk off of it. Maybe the OG version had vodka and now the mass produced kinds don't. I don't know.

My, but for my birthday this year, I went to little Italy with Jill and Micah. And little Italy, little one of those classic Italian checkered tablecloth. Oh yeah. We have white tablecloth, eight outside, bottle of shitty ass wine and a huge plate of pasta of pasta with vodka sauce. You carboloaded. It was amazing. It was, you feel disgusting after, did you feel sluggish?

Does it slow you down now that you don't have a lot of carbs? Um, it didn't really, I know, not really. I mean, it, I think it would, I definitely felt full, but I didn't feel like sick full. Right. Uh, and we also like took a long walk to get there. What are your thoughts on low key, gnocchi? I like gnocchi, but I tend to not order it. I would prefer to be with someone that gets it and then I can have like two pieces.

That's ideal to me. Okay. That's cool. Uh, best song right now, karma loves coup. Dude, I kind of suck at listening to music right now. You're not listening to anything. I don't listen to shit. I'm a little behind, but I like Billie Eilish is bad guy.

I see. Yeah. I don't listen to any pop music. I even know old town road when I brought it up to you recently. Yeah. And I think it's a problem because I, whenever I'm commuting, I only listen to podcasts. Yeah. I just listen to podcasts.

I wonder if podcasts is affecting, uh, top 40 music. I would think that it is, but maybe young people are just still listening to music. I, but I don't listen to any music. And when I listen to, if I like listening to Spotify at all, I listen to, um, it's like, uh, it's a playlist called deep focus. And it's just like instrumental, trans-y music that might be like in a music video or something that like gets me into a flow state when I'm responding to emails. What's the goat soup to dip your nuts in asks round stone seven.

Um, I guess like a, like your actual ball sack. Yeah. It's going to, like you're from soup to nuts. It's a tea bag, a chowder. I guess a matz ball soup because it's already has nuts in it. That's cool. I don't know what I would want. Balls are already there.

Oh, a French onion soup because the melted cheese on top might prevent you from actually getting your nuts too wet. Yeah, but it's still really cheesy on the nuts. What a shit, what a waste. It would be such, if it's such a hassle to clean soup off of your balls. Give me a thick chowder so that I don't have to completely penetrate the broth. Yeah. Yes.

You know, having a Roth IRA, I have a broth IRA as in I invested my 401 cake, my four hundred one cakes, Roth IRA, and I dipped my balls in broth. Uh, how is Jeff going to deal with his owl problem? Which is a reference to the last headgum video. Uh, I guess his house has an owl problem. If there's any issues with that, how would Jeff deal with it? I could imagine him killing an owl. Yeah.

I mean, we already have on record him strangling a pigeon or two, I bet. And in Jake and Amir universe, you killed an owl and say, who gives a shit? That's right. And I'm wearing doves on my feet. So anything's in play. A headgum battle royale who wins. Oh, who's like the strongest. Yeah.

Who are we including all the podcasters? Oh, if that's the case, then Gabriel's. You think Gabriel's can beat up Billy? Hmm. That's a good question. Billy's too nice. Well, Gabriel's is really nice too. That would probably be the last two people who were left standing.

Yeah. I'd pay a lot of money to see them wrestle. Yeah. I wonder who wins. Cause Gabriel's is also powerful. Yeah. He's high and mighty, but Billy's just shredded. Gabriel's, I mean, Gabriel's did like powerlifting, like Olympic style lifting.

Yeah. And he plays rugby. That's true. But so did Billy. He played rugby in college. Man. Yeah. I don't know.

Way in. Actually, that could be your tweet. A Twitter poll, who would win in a fight? They're both from Long Island. Yeah. So that's the kind of tweet that I could tweet because it's, it's like vaguely promotional. Yeah.

That's good. So I can't just tweet a straight up joke. Do the kills one and then add hashtag sponsored hashtag at the end for bathrooms. Uh, all right. A few last really quick ones to go on lightning, lightning, lightning, uh, uh, which alcoholic drink is best for someone who's dieting and don't say water. I vodka soda, vodka rocks. Yeah.

It's usually like the non-wheat, non-carby ones vodka. Yeah. Isn't tequila also like fruit based and not, yeah. I think vodka and tequila are the better ones. You want the grain free, the gluten free. Uh, I like drinking is one thing. It's, I, for me, it was always like when you're drunk, the hangover, you end, you end up eating garbage.

What's the goat fabric? Ask Chris Cud. Um, modal. Modal, micro modal. Is there anything more goat than cotton? I like a dry fit. What do you mean a dry fit? Like the, uh, like the Nike, yeah.

Workout gear. What, what fabric is that? Oh, I kind of like fleece too. Oh yeah. To keep warm. Terry cloth, Terry cloth. Give me a nice tech French. Perry.

Uh, did Amir actually go nude in the episode of lonely and horny with Ben Schwartz? I take my dick out and sort of play with it. Oh, they asking if that's your actual penis. Yeah. No, that was a rubber penis that we got. Yeah. Olivia asked that. It was a very realistic looking, but you did go nude in the, uh, lonely and horny

episode where you're in VR, like jerking off into VR thing. Yeah. That was actually my, my D and then we made a mold of it to make the fake rubber dick. Right. So you have seen his penis. Don't worry. Ever.

Uh, last question. Isaac Bird writes, do y'all prefer a day in or a night out? Night out over day in. Yeah. I'll have to agree as much as I'd like to choose two different answers. A day out is, I might prefer over a night out though. Cause day out leaves you feeling healthy at the end of it. A night out, not so much.

I like a half and half for the day. Like I like to do a bunch of errands or a bunch, like a little adventure in the morning or a hike and then come back and like have a relaxing afternoon. Recharge, recharge, recharge on your phone while taking a nap. Yeah. I also like cooking breakfast at home and like having coffee at home on a Sunday and then like going out in the afternoon. A half and half is really perfect.

Okay. I think spending all day in is a little too much. But between those two, day in or night out. Night out every time. All right. Okay. That's it. Try to answer as many questions as possible.

If you have your own questions, generally you want to send them to if I were you show at gmail.com. That's also where you send theme songs. We got a good one, but it was kind of long. So I'm going to leave it to the end right now. Uh, it is a, uh, a parody of you and I by Ingrid Michelson. Oh, I love that song. Yeah.

He's not a singer by trade, but would appreciate his old bands. Shout out for his old bands page, which is day sleeper one.bandcamp.com. Thank you, Richard Barlow. Thank you, Justin Gonzalez. Yeah, Gonzalez. Gonzalez. Gonzalez. And thanks to you guys for listening.

We'll be back next week for more if I were you. Of course, you could check out our Patreon, patreon.com. Please do. Ciao, everybody. Worry there, my gullies. Your Patreon has all my money, but we have your podcast on the free. Jake's golden Mike win streak improves. The turdy is a missed lose and Crandis will not miss a single show.

Oh, let's give out advice from the chipmunk and the pitch as well. Let's give out advice to keep us out of the city. Hey, that would be swell. Let's give out advice to keep us out of trouble or a prison cell. If I were you, if I were you, if I were you. Well, you might be a bit confused and you might have a dime to lose. If you fuck your friends, ducks, mom, sisters, arms. Which one is it?

Sail, Sal or Sand? You know you have to seize your cheese. Mum, turn down the podcast, please. The pilot's being passed on by TruTV. Loblo, howl no. Oh, let's give out advice from the chipmunk and the pitch as well. Let's give out advice to keep us out of the city. Hey, that would be swell.

Let's give out advice to keep us out of trouble or a prison cell. If I were you, if I were you, if I were you. Let's give out advice from the chipmunk and the pitch as well. Let's give out advice to get us out of the sticky. Hey, that would be swell. Let's give out advice to keep us out of trouble or a prison cell. If I were you, if I were you, if I were you. That was a hit gum podcast.

That was a hit gum podcast.