If I Were You - 405: Dungeons and Dragons and Sex

Episode Date: October 21, 2019

In this episode Jake discusses checking in his luggage, and Amir discusses checking out his brain. Then we tackle the five second rule.For more IF I WERE YOU check out Bonus Thursday Video Episodes on our Patreon.com/JASee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Beautiful. Was that a cover? If it was, then I don't recognize the song. You know what's odd to me? I didn't recognize the tune of the words, the guitar, the riff, and the music sounded a bit like, you know that song, I Smell Sex and Candy?

Oh, yeah. I Smell Sex and Candy. Yeah, didn't it sound like, hanging around downtown by myself and not having too much caffeine? Yeah. Right? Yeah.

Right? Yeah. Very good. Hey, how are you, man? You know, you were the doctor for a while, a long while yesterday, dealing with your vertigo. I got tests done. Yeah.

Have any of them come back positive, negative, or otherwise? I don't have. Inconclusive, as it were? I don't have tumors in my brain. That's a huge start, right? Yeah, a huge get. That's got to feel good. That's a good...

That's got to feel very... When they're testing for that, like, what is the certainty level that that's what you have? I'm assuming I don't, because then I would be, like, dying. And I feel, like, relatively fine, except for when I stand up. Interesting. Because if that were happening to me,

I'd be like, well, there it goes. I have tumors. I had a good one, didn't I? There was definitely a time in the MRI where I'm like, even if I died, like, 36 solid healthy years is fine. That's bad, man. Yeah, like, I can be happy with that. No, that's insane.

That's officially not a tragedy to me. Really? No, that's a full-on tragedy. You haven't... I mean, you haven't accomplished jack shit, frankly. So I feel like you have so much, or at least I hope you have a long life ahead of you so you can actually get something done.

Yeah. What did you say? No, I think I've done stuff. What would, like, the eulogy... I have to go up there and I'm like, Amir lived a long, good, happy, successful life. He was Adrian and Harold and Kumar 3. Yeah, well, you don't have to read my credits.

We did a web series together. Yeah, I think it would be more about me as a man, but yeah, I'm sure you can read some of the credits. A shot pilot passed on and a pilot script passed on. Holy season three and the garbage. Thumb in three or email on your iPhone. What else? What else?

That was a pass. That was a pass. We got notes. That email bounced back. Yeah. This one's in our court, but I didn't really see it going anywhere. Development's a slow process.

Is all. Anyway, let's bring up who else we got. I guess he didn't have a wife. Here's Avi Tal, who he was living with, not even engaged. She broke up with him. That makes sense. Damn it, really?

Yeah. So what else did they test for? A bunch of stuff that I don't know yet that's like everything from like, what if you got a fungal bacteria in Mexico or like, what if you have an ear infection? And how do they test that? Do they take, they look at the MRI or do they take blood?

Blood MRI, spine stuff. They took shit out of your spine? Yeah, spinal tap. So like, what if there's just nothing that like, is it possible that they're just going to be like, yeah, we didn't really know what the dizziness thing is, but your vitamin D is low. That thorough of a test.

I wouldn't mind having that done. Yeah. Just give me a fucking soup to nuts check up. How much was your, how much of your body was inside the MRI? From my head down to my waist. Wow. They stopped, they said that my dick,

which I can't believe this, my dick was too big to get like MRI. You said it couldn't fit in the MRI machine. Your whole entire body was in it. Yeah. Your head to your waist, but they couldn't fit, your cock? Yeah.

That's what they said. They're like, the cock is, might be too big. I'm like, yeah, I understand that. And they're like, we can try. Yeah. It doesn't matter. It's probably not there anyway. No fucking chance.

No chance. Yeah. No chance. No chance it goes. Wow. That's obscene. It was, it was pornographic. Damn, you're the man blooming pal.

Tumor's up and down my body. You're a fucking king man. Your dick is only big because it's a giant tumor. Oh God. What else do we have to talk about that's darker than this? Howard, how's your ass? Yeah. You know, good.

Things are, things are good. I'm, I go to London tomorrow. That's right. By the time this comes out, this is, you'll be in London. Yes, I will. And it's kind of fun going from the East Coast because I am not even taking a red eye. Like in LA, that's just not even an option. Yeah.

Interesting. It's like equidistant between London and LA, right? Yeah. It's a pretty easy flight, evidently. I guess we'll see. I do have a predicament as it were that I would not mind your help with if you have a moment. Okay.

I'm trying to bring only two pairs of shoes. I mean, I'm definitely going to bring only two pairs of shoes. Okay? Okay. Now, here's my predicament. Yeah. I'm worried that it's going to rain while I'm there because London has that notorious drizzly, foggy weather.

Yeah. Sorry. I had kind of a near-death scenario yesterday, so it's kind of hard for me to switch gears. But yeah, it might rain. You were the one that you said you wanted to switch gears. You were like, I'm doing this to distract you from your cock accident. No. Thank you.

Anyway, it'll be foggy. I mean, it might be... Well, the thing is, I think it might be sunny, but man, I didn't mean to steamroll you with my packing if you want to talk about your mortality a bit more. No, it's good. It's good. This is good. Right?

Okay. So the spinal shot, tumor's benign. Yeah. 36 is a good run. Yeah. So I have sneakers. I have a sneaker. And I have a van.

Not even a car. The two shoes. So the two... I'm definitely going to bring some white slip-on vans. Okay? Those are easy, packable shoes that, in a way, can make... It doesn't really dress up in outfit, but it doesn't dress anything down as much as running shoes.

Yeah. And I do want to go on... I want to be able to yog while I'm abroad. Abroad. At abroad yog. Yeah, abroad. And my question is... Should I bring the Nike Shield waterproof running sneakers that I have?

Or should I bring the UltraBoost Flyknit? Or whatever the version of Flyknit is for Adidas? I think you've got to go less Flyknit the better. What with the moisture in the air and all. And I guess it will be chilly. But you can handle that with a sock situation. The... It looks like...

But you can handle that with a sock situation. It looks like the weather is changing and it's going to be like low sixties and sunny, which kind of makes me feel like, shit, am I going to be too toasty in a non-breatable fabric of a waterproof shoe? I'm freaking out. Yeah, you should. It really doesn't matter. I mean, like, do your feet ever get hot in a shoe?

I don't know. If you get hot, yeah, they do get hot in a shoe. Man, sometimes I wish you would have fucking tumors in just that. Oh, what? Jesus Christ. No, I'm just saying, I know that you got, like, shots in your spine, but some people have bigger problems. Yeah.

It's just not really fair for you to, like... Yeah, you were talking about having kind of hot feet? Kind of hot? Really hot? Yeah, that's fine. You're sweating your feet, I guess. Sweaty fucking socks. Yeah, sweaty socks.

On a vacation? Yeah, that's pretty uncomfortable, right? It's almost as comfortable as 40 minutes in an MRI in Santa Monica when your parents aren't showing up to hang out or support you and your girlfriend's not responding to your text, which I noticed something that you dealt with yesterday. Yeah, it was just the reception at the hospital was spotty at best, I guess. Well, your text to me came through complaining that no one was showing up, and it sounded like your parents were able to respond to say they weren't going to be there.

Yeah, they're at Rosty down the street. They're getting dinner at Rosty. Reception and distance wasn't really an issue. No, not at all. Yeah, so I'm just saying we all have problems. You don't have a supportive and loving family, and it seems like you are dying from an ailment, and I guess I could bring a bigger backpack and just carry a third pair of shoes now that I think about it.

Yeah, I don't even think you need a third pair of shoes as much as you do. I mean, you'll have two pairs of shoes. One is as a backup or whatever. So you vote Shield. Yeah, yeah, I vote Shield, I guess. Do you mind if I pull up the weather in foggy London town? Right now? Yeah, I'll just see how good this advice is of yours.

I mean, 59, yeah, it's low enough. It's low enough. You actually might have a point for once blue. So I did give you helpful advice. I mean, you're just madder about it. I want to bring the flynets. They're a bit more comfortable. Yeah, so bring the fucking flynet and like wear it when it's not raining.

All right, fine, but the fucking point of this podcast is for you and I to have debates. So if you're just like, whatever you want, then it's not really anything, you know? Yeah. What is, if we don't have discussions, what do we do? Yeah, I mean, we got some questions made people get. We still answer questions? Yeah, no, that's all we do usually. Who could have, you know, we're recording.

Who could have a more important problem than me? I really wonder, because I don't know which shoes to bring on vacation. Yeah, and you're bringing two pairs. I didn't mean to call this vacation. You're bringing both. It's actually worth. Yeah. It's actually worth.

Yeah. I just don't know. I'll go Shield. Nice, dude. Whatever. You're mad. Okay. Questions.

Yeah. No, let's go to questions. Problem solved, right? Yeah. Just gloss over it. I'm still going to stew on this for hours after we're done. At a certain point, you're going to have to get on the flight. I know.

Jill's meeting me. I'll have her bring my other shoes. No. Do not have, you already have two pairs of shoes. Do not make your wife bring an extra pair for you. Well, I won't have two pairs of shoes. I'm going to have at least five or six pairs of shoes. I had some shipped to London.

One is going to meet me in my hotel in Manchester. The other one in London. Yeah. And then I'll probably buy another. Are you bringing anything else? Do you have a jacket? What's your jacket situation? That's a great question, man.

Oh my God. So much more important. No. I have a jacket. I have a jacket. It's a blue bomber that is waterproof. No hood, but it's waterproof, and I feel like that's pretty solid. All right.

So this is if I were you, an advice podcast, Jake and I dispense our wisdom. Where we talk about what I pack to go on trips. We just sort of go piece by piece by layering piece to figure out what to pack and what to keep. I think people are interested to know how many pairs of socks I brought. If I brought ankle socks, no show or athletics, because the interesting thing is on a trip like this, you have to perform, you have to commute, you have to travel, and then also you have to exercise.

So what do you wear that you can hop on the train, that you can hop on stage, and that you can go out to cocktails in? It's hard. Okay. So I have a system, and I'd be happy to talk about my system. All right. Real quick. Go through the fucking socks.

Okay. Thank you. So I have six pairs of ankle socks. Oh my God. You were so ready to give that up. You wanted to talk about the socks so badly. I barely offered it. Six pairs.

Got it. I'm interested from a 25-year-old. I also have four pairs of no-shows. Nice. Because no-shows. 25-year-old. Okay. Yeah, from England actually.

So this guy might be able to help you out, maybe if you help him out. Maybe I'll even be at one of my shows. Yeah, maybe. Actually, can he- Bring me socks. If you see me on stage, bring me socks. And a size 11, really anything breathable Nike, ideally waterproof. A 25-year-old male Brit here.

We'll call this guy, I don't know, who's a 25-year-old male Brit? Something or other? Prince Harry. Yeah, Prince Harry. He's a young guy. Yeah, sure. Prince Harry writes, A friend of mine is performing stand-up for the first time next week, and I'm not sure

whether to go or not. We're super close friends, and the concern is that if he's terrible, it will be very awkward giving feedback or forcing out laughter amongst the sea of dead expressions. Normally I would err on the side of being supportive, but what makes this so difficult is that it's overwhelmingly likely that he will be terrible. He hasn't practiced. He hasn't written anything down, and his sense of humor is very niche. I also don't have anybody else to go with, so I'm going to have to sit alone with a role

of supportive friend, and, sorry, sit alone, and the role of supportive friend would solely fall on me. What do I do? Wait, it's- Kind regards, Prince Harry. All right, Prince Harry. It's friend, not romantic thing. Friend, yeah.

Friend, go. You just go. You just go and watch him bomb and say fucking lame crowd. Exactly. And there's a chance that'll surprise you. I remember the first time I saw my sister perform stand-up comedy, and I didn't really know what to expect, but I was like, this is my duty as a brother, and I'd been in the comedy scene.

I knew what bad comedy looked like. I knew it was like an open mic, that it's like a bringer show, and I was like, she's just starting out. If it's not good, just be encouraging, be positive. And then she crushed, and it was awesome. And I was happily surprised that I did not have to lie and say it was good, or my worst fear was that I was going to have to console her afterwards, and I didn't have to do anything. Your worst fear was that you had to be a consoling older brother.

Yeah, clearly, because I'm fucking pouring my heart out to you, and you want to talk about socks. Your worst fear is consoling people. It's not- Okay. First of all, my worst fear was her feeling bad, so then I'd be consoling, and I resent that. And the other thing, my sock game is kind of more interesting than, I'm sorry, but you're

life or death. You're not sorry, you're laughing. You're laughing to my face. Now you're coughing. I'm aghast that I said it. You're agog. I don't know what agog is, but it's clearly that. Yeah, I really think you're agog.

I'm agog. Let me look up what the word agog is. Do you know what the word agog is? No. I don't have ever heard that before in my life, frankly. A-G-O-G definition. Very eager and curious to hear or see something. You're absolutely agog.

I was agog. I was agog, to be sure. Yeah, I would agree with that. You do go, worst case scenario, you console, you say the crowd was bad, keep up the good work. There are worse things in the world. Right. You go for your butt, he'd go for you.

You didn't see the movie Joker, right? I did not. Okay. So one of the scenes in Joker, a movie I thought was god-awful, is Joker. I don't think I'm going to see it, maybe someday on a planet. I don't know if I will. Yeah, I want you to see it just so, I don't know if I want you to agree that it was bad so we can talk about it or disagree with me so we can discuss it.

He's a mentally troubled, like literally diagnosable, mentally ill man, like schizophrenic paranoid, can't speak, has nervous laughter, ticks, habits, whatever, and he does stand up at one point. Oh god. And one of his jokes is like, actually, they only show him do two jokes. One of them is really bad because he can barely speak and the other one is kind of funny. This is the joke. When I was a kid, I told all my friends I wanted to do stand up comedy.

This is after he bombed, so he goes, when I was a kid, I wanted to, I told all my friends I wanted to do stand up comedy and they all laughed at me. Well, nobody's laughing now. That is good. So that's pretty good, right? So the whole point of the movie is that that joke is so bad that Robert De Niro, a late night TV host, shows the clip of him, a mentally ill person bombing at a comedy club. That joke and then it cuts back to Robert De Niro and he goes, you can say that again

and everyone cracks up. He just retold the joke. That's the point of the joke is that he was making fun of himself. That's bad writing to be sure. I mean, that would also just never, ever, ever happen. Of course. Yeah. So much stuff in this movie would never, ever, ever happen.

And then, especially because it takes place in the early 80s, so the idea that they tape this set of this mentally ill man and send it to a comedy show to make fun of him and then the joke wasn't that bad and then that's what sets him off on this killing spree is not ideal, not good. Yeah. That's definitely crazy. It was also kind of absurd that this whole point of the movie, the jokers that this joker guy wants to actually tell jokes, I thought that was a little on the nose and silly.

Yeah, that's lame. A side of other, like 300 other things I had problems with, but I'll wait till you actually watch the film. This guy just wanted to be a comedian. He is a joker of himself. Yeah. That's kind of, I mean, the joker, that seems awful. I guess I'll see it.

I'll watch it. The joker to me is like an evil genius. This guy is just a mentally ill guy that had a mental problem where he laughed a lot and then wanted to tell actual jokes, which is a little on the nose. Right. And the joker is like, the one from Dark Knight, like Heath Ledger's joker is perfect. It's like, it's chaotic. It's not like silly or goofy.

It's like the joker is an agent of chaos that like throws things out of whack. Right. This guy maybe is, this is like the backstory of how that evil genius came to be, but I highly doubt it. It seems like he just took a DVD of the Dark Knight and took a giant dump on it for two hours. Right. It ruined another wise good movie.

Wow. What is it? Actually, don't at me. What are his other movies? Hangover, old school, you know, classic comedies like that. Interesting. Yeah. This was his first attempt at like a gritty film.

And people loved it. I thought the reaction was very mixed. I think it got like a huge audience rating, like the people that saw it really, really liked it. Oh, so a critical, not good. No, critically did fine too. It had like 70% on round tomato. People liked it fine.

That's so weird. I'm the weird one. I'm the joker. I've, I've heard a lot of people disliking it. Okay. That's good. But maybe that's just my small circle. Maybe just me texting you every other day from different numbers.

All right. Let's take a break. We'll come back. The questions talk about more socks after this. Oh yeah. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake.

Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the goat father's day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah. Not just father's day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time.

Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes.

We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're, they're great. Really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby and then it goes to their digital photo frame.

This is actually how we, how we told Jill's grandma. She was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife and you're trying to make a joke of it.

I was just being goofy a little bit like, uh, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like a, she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God.

Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an Aura. Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement.

Uh, so you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something that could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah.

Exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. It's a really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames.

That's A-U-R-A Frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait.

Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames. A-U-R-A Frames.com. Okay. Go get your parents something. All right. We're going to put HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on.

Thank you Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable

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extra affordable. That's betterhelp.com slash if I were you. Check them out. BetterHelp. And we're back, Jake. Do you have any? Oh, it's a little dude in the fire. Mom, I'm coming.

Gross. Yeah. You know, I've been reading a book that I've very much enjoyed, a book series actually. Oh. It is the Master and Commander book series, which was recommended to me by none other than Thomas Middletitch. It's like Game of Thrones, but on a boat in the 1900s. 1800s.

But 19th century. Yeah. Yeah. That's right. So, uh, it's, I mean, it's just really, really good. It's the story of, it's called the Aubrey Matoran series or something like that or adventures. And it's the, uh, these two friends, Captain Jack Aubrey and a, the ship's naval surgeon, uh, Steven Matoran.

And they have this really charming friendship and go on all of these crazy adventures together and they're always on ships and they're at war and there are battles and there are love interests and it's just fucking, it's great. I love it. How many books are there? Like if you're into it, you could just read this for months and months. Yes. That was the other thing that I was really excited about because Game of Thrones, I like

burned through and then I, I was stuck and have anything else to read. Uh, but this is, this series is 20 books long, uh, Marty on book six. It's funny. When you were talking about Game of Thrones and how like you would read the books and rewatch the episodes, I was always like, wow, how can something be so good that you'd want to do that? And then I'm like, I guess now I like succession enough that I would rewatch season one. Yeah.

And if there was a succession book that went a little bit further than where the TV show is right now, would you read it? Yeah. I would definitely give it a try. And I'm like, if this is just as good as the show, I would have to read it all. Yeah. That's exactly what happened to me, especially because would you say Succession's first two seasons, uh, you like better than Game of Thrones or is Game of Thrones still your goat?

Um, I think it's interesting. I think Game of Thrones is still my, my goat, but like succession to me has really basically never had a bad episode, even though there are like some storylines, like some elements of like the overall show that I'm like less into, uh, I feel like every single episode, a bunch of stuff happens. My favorite characters do great things. It's super funny. It's really well shot.

It's surprising. It's like overall just consistently great. What'd you do during the finale, like the last five minutes when you saw that huge turn, um, without giving away what the story was? Did you like, I like stood up and like started cheering. Like it was like an awesome sports moment. I can imagine you doing that. My wish.

I saw that. I sort of like felt like it was going to come in the last, in the last like minute. So I had mentally prepared for it, but when it happened, I, my jaw dropped. I turned to Jill and we were both like, wow, you know, is she fully on board at this point? I'm muted. I'm muted. Like muted off. Yeah.

She loves it. I think the last time I felt like that over a TV show was like when Gus got blown up and breaking bad and then he walks out and collapses. Yeah. That was fucking awesome. It was just like a cool stand up and cheer moment of a TV show. Yeah. It's funny.

Like you do kind of forget that Logan Roy is like, he's, he is a bad guy. Yes. It's funny that you're weird because then again, so are his children in theory. Yeah. And so we're like the people trying to take over his company and stuff, but like I find myself feeling bad for him. Like, oh man, like he's going to get pushed out. And then I'm like, oh, he like made people crawl around on the floor begging for a sausage.

Yeah. He is a piece of shit. How good was that Stewie scene where he's like, yes, you will shove my dick in my cock and a million cocks in my balls. Listen, man, like whatever you say, it doesn't matter. Yeah. It's such a great way of cutting them down. He's like, all your threads are fake, so I'm not actually scared by them.

That doesn't work for us. Just so instantly declined. Yeah. God damn. Oh, that like, that's Logan at his most most vulnerable too. Yeah. And I like throw Kendall under the bus during that fucking conversation. Does he?

I don't remember that. He's like, you can have Kendall's board seat. And Kendall's like, oh, wow. Did not agree to that. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. Oh, it's so good.

Yeah. He's, he's fucking bad to him. If you haven't watched Succession, do that. You have 20 amazing episodes to get through. God damn. Wouldn't that be fun? We got a D&D question, which, you know, I propose before I go your trip. Is your, are all tickets sold out?

Can you, do you need a shout out? I'd know they are sold out. We're sold out in Manchester, sold out in London. Don't even bother showing up at this point. Even if you bought a ticket. We're, well, we're selling, I had some t-shirts made in Manchester. It was actually a real pleasure dealing with some international printers. They're so charming.

They said, cheers a lot. You think we should bring that to America? Cheers never made it over, but it's such a big thing. Yeah. Cheers would be nice. I could say cheers. I could start saying cheers, I think. Yeah.

Definitely because I've been reading this book that's, has so many British characters. You're an absolute Anglophile. My ancestors are from Jolly Old England. So it stands to Riza. For Sue. So this is a D&D based question. Okay. And it actually gets a little hot.

High hard one and loser doesn't, that doesn't play D&D. Ouch. Wow. I've DM'd for this group of two dudes and three girls that were friends from high school for a couple months now. And it's been pretty cool because we are all well into role, the role play of it. And we got really invested in the characters. After all sessions, I got to hook up with one of the chicks.

And she told me that she was a, she was a virgin and felt really anxious about having sex. And I may have had the most stupid idea ever. I told her that we should role play it as her character that was a tiefling bard. She really enjoyed the sex and so did I. Now every time we hook up she gets into character and it's getting weird and I get conscious on how bizarre the situation is. Sex was really good though and she is very pretty and I want to date her and I think

she feels the same way. How can I tell her that I don't want to keep having sex with her, with her without the role play though? Thanks. Love. I'll give you this guy name. Is there a British person in your D&D? A British?

Well, I guess Apple Scrumper because she was played by Siobhan Thompson. But it, well, yeah, we'll just call him Apple. Okay, Apple. Do you know what a tiefling bard is? Yes. A tiefling is a Dungeons and Dragons race that is sort of like fairy-y, but they have horns and a tail. And they're usually like purple or blue.

And a bard is a class, which is like usually some kind of performance-y based class, like a singer or a play or an actor or something. But they have, they'll do, or dance or something, but they have weapons and spells and stuff. So would it be nice to have sex with a tiefling bard? Yeah, that's one of the hotter classes I would imagine. It's sort of like having sex with a ballerina in the real world, I would, I think. Have you combined your passions yet? Have you done research into D&D role-play sex porn?

No, no, I don't, I've not. I've never even looked at like fantastical porn, like Lord of the Rings or Game of Thrones style porn. Which definitely exists. Definitely. And that like would seemingly be up my alley, but it doesn't interest me. I guess porn is fantasy enough. It's a different kind of fantasy.

Yeah. I don't need double fantasy there. I think I also like the fantasy that I need in porn is to pretend like everyone likes it, no one's getting paid. I don't like seeing people in a whole bunch of like weird costumes, it like becomes way too real that it's produced and weird. Yeah, so it's like two negatives makes it even more obvious that it's fake. Man, I think this is like, I feel like this is pretty straightforward though.

Like, it is great that you did the role-play to make everybody feel comfortable, but you don't have to continue it, but you also don't have to be like, we have to end the role-play because in retrospect that could make the good sex uncomfortable, you know, like coloring it in a negative way. Like, oh geez, I was being so awkward. He didn't even like that. He hates it. You know?

Yeah. So I think what you do, especially if you like her, you want to date her, you sort of transition by saying, let's do one where we're just us and that's nice and you don't have to say that at the sake of saying, this other thing is bad, so let's do this. You just say, let's do this new thing because it will also be good and then you move forward without having to turn your head back in a negative way. Let's try to role-play as a guy who doesn't want to fuck a tiefling bard anymore and then you be yourself.

I don't want to. I thought you were asking me to do it. That was him talking to her, right? Yeah, yeah. Great. So you don't want to. Unless. You don't want to role-play having sex with me.

Should we? I. What episode are we on? Four of five. Let's do it at five thousand. Just fucking start making smut and it will be a Patreon video episode. That's right. In 500 years, we'll just fuck on camera.

We'll have to at that point. Because who cares anymore? All right. Last question. Yeah, I'm ready. If you are, bud, this one made me laugh. I guess we should go for one last British man, Andy Murray. Andy Murray writes, I've been into this girl for a while now and everything's going great.

We've had some really long chats and both seem to be into each other. There's only one negative. We were at a house party flirting the roof off and I was seizing some serious cheese, if you know what I mean. Huh? Oh yeah. We were sitting down on the lawn eating pizza looking at the stars when she dropped hers cheese side down on the grass.

She then picked it up as if I didn't notice and started eating it. Now I'm not the cleanliest or I'm not the cleanest or a germ freak by any regard, but it makes me feel ill thinking about all the dogs that would have urinated and shat on that yard. And if she's willing to put up with a German-festive pizza in her mouth, despite the obvious, what else is she willing to put in her mouth? In all honesty, I think that we could be soul mates, but I'm seriously struggling getting past this hurdle.

Is there anything that your wife or girlfriend has done that has grossed you out and how have you gotten over it? I would appreciate the feedback. Man, good question. Well, has Avi Tal done anything that was so gross that you couldn't get over it? She's, she's picked up our dog's shit with her mouth. That's not bad, though. I mean, obviously you got over it.

Yeah, I got over it. And I'm like, you should use the bag. And she's like, yeah, of course. She's like, of course. Yummy shit, yummy shit. Now that actually, none of that has happened. She hasn't, she hasn't eaten shit or eaten the pizza off the grass. Obviously she never ate shit.

Like, I know you're, you don't have to like make a joke like that intense and then tell me you're kidding. You know, the dog did once urinate. OK. In her mouth. Really? As a goof, as a goof. OK, is that one for real, though? Because now I don't fucking know anymore, man. That one is fake.

But what actually happened was a lot worse. I don't, yeah, I don't think. Obviously, Jill's never done anything that I couldn't get over because we're married. Right. But is this a thing that would be a non-starter? I don't think it would be a non-starter. It's really, it's more funny than anything. I also might be a one off where you guys drunk, maybe.

Yeah. And here's my theory. You want to hear my theory? Yeah. I don't think that this is like ground pizza and she's like, that's fine. I don't care if things fall on the ground. I think she was just like enjoying the moment and didn't want you to think that the like that the pizza fell or she didn't want to do something awkward in front of you. It wasn't like she doesn't have hygiene.

It doesn't care about eating pizza from the grass. She just wanted to be chill in front of you. Unbeknownst to her, this is now backfired extremely because it looks like she eats dirt pizza. But I think you should get over it and forget it ever happened because she probably thinks you don't know. Yeah, maybe this is a one off and you don't know if this is a one off or reoccurring character until it happens again or doesn't.

Right. Well, you could you could construct a way to make it happen again. OK, what are you thinking? You you say, hey, let's meet. I have a and then you show up with a pie, a pizza pie, a pizza pie. You're like, oh, hey, how's it going, Sally? Yeah. And then you walk towards her and stumble fall, dumping the pie onto the ground. Yeah. And then you say, well, this pizza is obviously inedible, I suppose.

Thoughts and then see how she reacts. And if she's like, no, it's fine. It's just pizza. Then you sort of like you have to see where she draws the line. So like the next day you like oatmeal for to meet me at the south lawn. And then the bowls tip over. And obviously oatmeal is a little more viscous, a little more wet. That's like it's sticking to the grass. It's so thick.

And does she leave it or does she scoop it back into the ball? Yeah. Does she say this is fine? Does she use her hands to like sort of like strain the fucking oatmeal off the blades and then just sort of flick it back into the bowl or is she like, this is too much for me? That's a great question. And if she does like lift it up, then like, all right, last last things last before I call this a day, because after all, it is three strikes and you're out.

You you show up having had chicken soup, but you have a bowl for her. So it's completely wet. It's water. It's liquid at this point. Right. And you say, meet me on the lawn. Because oatmeal can still be scooped. That's right. Fashion. At this point, she will, if she does want to salvage the oatmeal, she'll have to suck on the dirt.

Right. Which is foul to think, but like maybe she's down. And that's like is there a world where she she shoves the clumps of dirt mud because there was broth in there. And at that point, you know, at that stage, it is more dirt than food because the the the water from the soup has gone gone down into the soil. Deep, deep, deep, probably not to be to be gotten. It would be dirt flavor. It would be soup flavored dirt that she were consuming.

That's. Yeah. And once you want that. And if she does, do you want that to be in your life because you'll never be able to discard food? No, because she'll eat trash and dirt and grass and dirt to be with you. Yeah. And that would be like, that's that's where I have to draw this really wet, dirty line. I think we solved that one through and through.

Cut to them just sucking dirt for the rest of their lives. And they live happily ever after. What do you think of the five second rule? Are you picking stuff off the ground now a day? No, I don't do it at all. Like, were you a little more lenient in your younger days? Yeah, in my younger days, I used to do it for a reaction. But now I am very stressed out about getting sick.

I don't like to be ill. Yeah. And what about what about if it's at home and you drop like a piece of sandwich? If it's on the floor, just it's a no carpet. The most the some. Yeah, nothing. I won't do it. What I would do is sometimes if I if I'm at a restaurant and something falls off of my plate onto the table,

that's that's like a dependable up a dependant, like depending on how hungry, depending on the establishment type of thing. You know, yeah, like say you're at a McDonald's and you drop a fry onto the table from the tray. Do you eat that onto the tray? I think the tray is fine. Oh, tray is fine. So it comes. It goes it.

You're eating on a tray, but you drop off the tray onto the table. Yeah, I'd like to think I'll put it back on the tray and I'll consider that an emergency fry. And if at the end of the fries, I still want another fry. I'll be like, fine, fuck it. What's the big deal? Well, so that would be your last fry. Yeah, the last fry would be a freaking table fry. Because you got to think that I eat it right away

because I'm just like, I need to not think about it. I'll end up eating this, but I'll feel guilty or I just like going to just like put it in my mouth and forget it ever happened. And if you're, let's say you have two Filet-O-Fish on a tray and you're walking back to the table from the McDonald's counter and somebody trips you and then the tray goes flying and the Filet-O-Fish sort of opens and then it lands on the ground, sauce side down. So there's the slice of cheese and the tartar sauce.

The tartar sauce is on the ground and then you sort of you pick it up and you scoop it, you scoop the sauce that like hit the ground with your index finger. You're sort of scraping it off and then you reassemble the sandwich. Are you going to eat that sandwich still? I, I, I, I'm a gog. What? I'm a gog. So you're eager to hear or see more about this sandwich?

Uh-huh, I'm eager. I'm a gog to hear what you'll do of it. I got to fucking eat the, it's a Filet-O-Fish. You can't just buy another one. Yeah, they don't have another half piece of cheese. They're out of half pieces of cheese. They'll have to do it with a whole slice. At that point, their sandwich is ruined.

Disgusting. Uh, all right. That's it. That's our time. Those are our questions. Thanks for writing. And if you have your own theme song or question, send it to if I were you show at gmail.com.

The opening one was that sex and candy parody. That's what it was like. Well, or it wasn't a parody. I don't know. Did I say who sang it or did we get into like some weird tangents? We got into some weird tangents, frankly. It was by Tommy. Tommy Doughty.

So thank you, Tommy from Canada. Well, okay. And this closing one is a Drake cover. Um, fuck yeah, from somebody named Chris Willis, a trio of parody songs that he whipped up. The first song is a Drake parody of the song with you. That is a reference to the garbage disposal anecdote from the 400th episode. Shout out to my wife's Instagram, Heather D W.

Um, because she told me I sounded bad in it. So thanks, Chris, for sending it anyway. Okay. And thanks to, uh, Chris's wife, who says that he sounded bad in it. And thanks to you guys for listening. Uh, more, uh, if I were you, of course, on our Patreon, that's patreon.com slash J A bonus Thursday video episodes right on. And, uh, we'll be back of course next week.

Maybe Jake will be back from London town. Indeed. I'll tell you guys how my shoe debacle turned out. There's a chance we have to record that episode on Monday. So if it's Monday and it's not out yet, no, it'll be out on Tuesday, but with British anecdotes. And I'll tell you all about my shoes. Okay.

Everybody's curious. Thanks for listening, everybody. Bye. Right. Is this car talk or some other type of show home improvement thing? I'm hoping my disposal is still broken. Georgia quarter couldn't break through Allen wrench and a corkscrew. You get that photo that I sent you.

It'll be fine. Cause I'll pay a guy. That was a hate gun podcast.