If I Were You - 406: Better Late Than Never

Episode Date: October 30, 2019

In this special tardy edition of our show, we discuss where we've traveled, and why Jake almost couldn't make it there. Then we tackle a few Halloween questions.For more IF I WERE YOU check out our Patreon.com/JA.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Me being pegged by a woman, because I really like butt stuff. Is that me being gay? Jake, you're down here. Tota. This is their podcast show. Oh, okay. If you listen to them.

I'll put it in my butt. They'll tell you what you want to know. This is what made me come. Oh, man, he's dirty. He always wins the dirty. He is a chipmunk too. You're a real meanie. He's dirty.

His mind is really dirty. This is as I were you. Railed out by a build-up. If I were you. If I were you. If I were you. If I were you starts now. You've got to have a respect for the classics.

I think we played it cool and cool and cool. You know what's weird? I can't fault that song because it's all stuff that we said. Yeah, we wrote it. I feel like if a new person who had never heard the show before was tuning in, they would have not kept on listening. They would have been like, so this podcast is just two guys that talk about dildos going in them

and asking if they're gay for that. And how would they have... How would they have found my podcast? How would they have found what we're doing anyway? To even try it out. I guess that's true. When were those audio clips taken from? All last episode.

I want to believe that it was 2015. Before the great awoken-ing. Yeah, before Trump got elected. That was written by Giorgio. He says he's in an electronic music collective spiritually based in Venice, Italy called Adventure di Margarita. And in English that means the Adventures of Margaret. Very cool.

An electric music collective. All sounds like people that get laid a lot. Or never. Shout out to his bandmates, Mick, Big G, and DJ Baby J. DJ Baby J. We're recording this very rare on a Tuesday. Not a Tuesday. A Wednesday release of our podcast.

You're not even gonna upload it today? I gotta edit it and by the time I upload it, it'll be like night time. So it'll be like, you know, Wednesday morning commute style. Yeah, very, very interesting. Very late. Is this the latest our podcast has ever been? I know, and we're sorry. Two days late after 400 episodes.

Oh, get off your fucking high horse. Like you've never done anything that late. Yeah, don't add us. Don't add us. Oh, I've been added. I obviously apologize. Stop adding us. Quit it.

But we have a good reason. You were in London. You were in Prague. Then I was in New Orleans for like five days. We were just traveling. We were unable to sync our schedules until right now. Yeah, this is the first time we've been able to. And now we can catch ourselves up.

I can ask you how was England and or Prague? I had such a great time. I really did. You know, you and I went to Manchester before, but we were only there for like 12 hours and we stayed. Yeah. And we stayed in a very small, sad hotel

and it was like cloudy and we were near like the train tracks. Yeah, I would. I would love to see like, we stayed in a hotel, Ibis. That's right. You really don't want to stay in an Ibis where we slept in a bunk bed and the shower.

Yeah, it was a hostile situation. The shower was in the room. It was just like a curtain. There was no privacy. It was a curtain situation instead of like a door. Yeah. Why did we do that? We sold out a show in Manchester

and then stayed at a hostel as if we were backpacking. It made no sense. It really didn't make any sense at all. I think we just found an amazing deal. Yeah. It was like $109 or something. But like, honestly, I stayed. I had a really good deal on my hotel in Manchester this time

and it was amazing. It was really nice. I wonder if it was like a less crowded season. Did you go during the weekend or was it midweek? The show was on Saturday night. I got there on Friday and I left Manchester on Sunday. Damn. And you didn't stay at the Ibis?

I didn't stay at the Ibis for some reason. I stayed at the Whitworth Lock. It was very nice. Okay. I think we also, last time we were there, we were on, I don't know what part of town that was, but it was raining and it was kind of in the middle of nowhere. We went on a long walk,

but it was sort of like through an abandoned mall. We went through the keys. The keys? Yeah. Pronouns or like spelled Q-U-A-Y. That's right. We walked the keys and went back to the Ibis. That's right.

From Ibis to keys and back. And this time, like I went on a run and I ran through a couple neighborhoods and we like went back to some of the neighborhood that I had run through that I thought were cool. And it was amazing. It was a very funky little town. The nice thing about it was just that it was like a really manageable size. So it was like very walkable, a lot of great bars and restaurants,

some really good coffee shops. It was beautiful. It was way better than the first time. I thought I didn't like Manchester. And having gone a second time, I loved it. And you didn't have any food poisoning or back related illnesses? Yeah. No food poisoning, no back related illness.

And I actually felt healthy and good the whole time. London was always, as always incredible. I had an issue that I'll tell you about. Is this shoe related, socks related? Oh, no, the shoe. I'm happy to report that I brought the right shoes. It was cold. It was the weather in London, especially was like a little chilly, a little rainy,

like layers required, not like a sweater, not a light jacket. Oh, wow. It was not flying it weather. It was the shield. It was shield weather and the shields were very good. Was your nose cold? Like is it like so cold that like your nose kind of the tip of your nose would freeze a little bit? Not like that, but it was like hands had to be in pockets.

You didn't need gloves, but you had to put the hands in the pockets. Got it. Did you get a cold? No, I actually thankfully, in a way, got a cold two days before I went. So that sort of immunized yourself. Yeah. I was like, I was flying on Thursday and I started to feel a little sick on Monday. And I was like, you know what?

This is actually better than getting a cold on the road, which is what happened last time. That's right. There's nothing worse than getting a cold while you're in Europe. Cause like a cold, a last, a bad one, a last like eight days. And it's just like, great, I'll, my whole entire trip is ruined and I'll feel a little sluggish and sick and I won't sleep well and my throat will hurt. Which probably happens to us 80% of the time. We're almost always sick.

You always get me sick, I think. That's the thing. You always are afraid that I'll get you sick, but when you're sick, I'm never like, fuck you for getting me sick. Yeah. I'm definitely a real asshole about it. I was like, yeah, Jill got me sick. I was kind of mad at her. Yeah.

You shoved her. Yeah. I also bet I am the one that got her sick. But any whom shoes aside, which were all the right call, I packed pretty well for the trip. I'll say that again. You can say that again. And you did. Well, fans actually aren't that comfortable to walk around in for a long time.

So I could have done a little bit better there. But any whom, any whom. I was, tell me if you know about this rule where you can't travel into certain countries with less than three months on your passport. Did not know that rule. So I, so evidently, if you, if your passport expires in January 1st or just for the hell of it, let's say your passport expires January 24th and you have a return trip from Prague on October 27th. They will not let you into Prague. They will, they will not let you into their country because they're afraid you'll stay there until after your passport expires. Yes, apparently you can.

I don't fully remember because I was so stressed out, but like you can stay somewhere up to 90 days. So in theory, you could stay past your expiration on your passport. So there's a bunch of countries that will not let you into them if you have less than 90 days until your passport expires, which is crazy because you have three months. I have a return trip. I, I'm not telling you I'll leave. I don't love Prague that much. You can do the whole thing in two days, man. Trust me, I'll be gone before January 24th.

But they won't let you in. So I found all this out as I was checking into my flight for Prague and the lady's just like, I can't let you on the plane. Can't let you on the plane. This has got to be like such a prevalent issue that like more people should know about it. Once I started, you know what's weird? I did kind of, I had like heard about it and I looked it up and I looked at a list of the countries that require more than 90 days or some. Some even require like up to nine months of validity on your passport. Like then that's nine months.

The passport then is just is not valid anymore after nine years and three months, you know? Yeah. Don't say it takes 10 years to get a new passport. So you just, you have to do it after nine then. Yeah. Just say you have to do it after nine and have the expiration date be the last day. I don't know. But yeah, they, the lady wouldn't let me on the plane because my passport expired on October 24th and I was trying to fly on October 24th.

So she's like, you can't go. This is devastating to me and Jill who'd been planning this trip. Jill studied abroad in Prague, really wanted to take me. And I don't know what to do. Like shoot, the ladies are like, you can't get on the plane. I'm like, okay, then trips over. I have to go home. And you were basically trying to like guilt this lady who works at the airport.

You're like, all right, I'm just going to go home then. It's going to ruin my trip. A stranger to you. Okay. I'm sad. I'm sad. I don't even care. And Jill and I sort of like switched roles in this moment because I'm usually the one that like is like, there's always a way around something.

We can, we don't have to take no for an answer. We can figure it out. And, but instead I was just, I just shut down. I was like, all right, I have no, I have no way out of this one. We have to go back to London now. And Jill changed my flight to fly out of Prague that night. So the, with me having a flight out of Prague before my passport was going to be expired within 90 days, the lady was able to check me in. I was able to go to Prague.

And then once I was there, once I had flown into Prague, I just didn't go on my flight. Oh, sneaky. It was like some sort of math riddle. Yeah. So it's like, okay, I basically did what they're afraid of. Which is, which is the worst, most annoying, stupid kind of rule where it's like, all right, I'll lie to you right now. You know, I'm lying. And then that's fine.

And like, yeah, that's fine. And, and Jill and I are also being so conspicuous, like whispering. And she's like, so I'm like, okay, yes. So if I, if we change the flight into night, like to 9pm, I can go and Jill's like pulling me aside. And she's like, and then you don't have like, I know. Shut the fuck up. Quiet dude. We're on the same page.

But then I'm like, taste. And though, but the worst part is, it's like, I, I basically bent the rules just to get on the flight. I'm not into Prague yet. Like I was not allowed to get on the flight with this passport and, and lying, begging and lying got me on the flight. But it has not gotten me in at Prague. So then we're like waiting in customs in Czechoslovakia or the Czech Republic or whatever it's called. I should say you're recording this from a prison in 1987. And I was like, I have no idea if this guy's going to let me in or not.

Like I'm sweating. I'm so stressed and he's just having a very normal day. I go up rehearsing like a thousand different permutations of how this conversation is going to go. And it takes him three seconds. He just, the green light goes on, door opens. I go inside and then I tried to call and change my ticket to go back. And again, I had the same problem. British Airways is like, you can't fly your passport.

Oh, right. I forgot about the second half of this plan where we're sneaking out of Prague. Right. So now I'm just stuck in Prague. And I had to go, I had to go to the American Embassy in Prague, which was a fun little adventure. And I got an emergency passport and I was able to leave Prague. Wow, that is a good story. And the whole entire thing as stressful as it was, it only cost me a hundred bucks.

It only cost me $5,000. $5,000. And I had to bribe a Gestapo officer to get me a fake passport. And Prague is lovely. I had a great time in Prague. It was great. Beautiful city. Yeah.

I wasn't going to call you out, but I saw in Jill's private close friends Instagram story that you were wearing a fanny pack. That's correct. So was the idea there that she couldn't post it to her main feed because you were wearing a fanny pack or was it just other close friends related content? I was proud of the fanny pack. I think maybe Jill was embarrassed of the fanny pack. I'm not entirely sure.

Because it didn't even occur to me. I was just wearing a fanny pack. It was convenient. That was the day I had to go to the Embassy. I got two passports in there. You want to have that shit tied to your waist. Yeah. It's an external money bill.

Yeah. I think it was just a close friends content kind of day for Jill. It was like, Jake in a fanny pack, close friends, us drinking beer, anybody can see. Jake in a fanny pack, close friends. Well, now you got me insecure about it, man. Now I'm starting to think she doesn't like the fanny. She definitely did make fun of it a lot. How was Nola?

Ooh, great question. Tell me about the sports games. Sports games were fun. I have one semi story, but maybe we'll answer a question, take a break, come back, and then I'll tell my Nola story so we don't get too bogged down in the details of our trips. I love that. Here's an interesting one we got from Israel. We'll call this guy, Yair, which is my Israeli brother's name, who went with me to New Orleans.

Cool. Yair writes, I'm a 30 year old male and my wife and I met in high school when we were 15 and I seized her cheese and started dating her when we were 16. I seized her cheese, a certified 10 new Israeli Shekel coin piece. I married her ass when we were 20 and now 10 years later we have a few kids and we're living the good life. The other day I was Jango, but the internet in the apartment wasn't working and I couldn't get good enough cell service to stream, so I resorted to some high school level shit and started scrolling through old albums of mine on my phone to see if I could find sexy pictures of my wife. I finally found some really hot bikini pics, which did the job seeing as though she was a total smoke show.

So even though she was in a bikini, she was able to get me off. This is very romantic. Yeah. The problem is, do you know what the problem is? I have no fucking clue. He scrolled down so far that he realized that those pics were from when she was 16. Ah, we are of course dating at the time, but in the heat of the moment it didn't register. Did I just J.O. to an underage girl?

I mean, I was banging her then and I didn't marry her at all, but 30 year old me feels like I just jerked off to a 16 year old. Am I a pedophile for that? I'm not sure I'm asking what to do, but I would like to know what you think. Tadarabab, Amir who a chipmunk. So thank you very much and Amir is a chipmunk. I know. You sure you want to give this guy your brother's name? Well, I'm going to say that he's not a pedophile for it, so I'm okay with that.

I would say he's not a pedophile, but I would recommend never having written this email or telling anybody about this at all in the first place. This is the new prisoners dilemma. Yeah, this is just, I don't know. I really don't know. This is really fucking strange to me. Your nose is bleeding. My brain broke. Well, like when you J.O. and you think of old images of, by the way, someone you're married to, they could potentially be under 18, because if you've known her for that long.

Right. Why am I under fucking arrest right now? Relax. I'm nervous. I would be too. I don't know. I agree, but I think it's real fraught, man. It's just not worth it.

Unsent, undelete, rerecord, cancel the podcast. Yeah, I don't know. I really don't know. I don't think, maybe you're not a pedophile, but just don't do it. It happened by accident. It was a mistake. It was your wife. I forgive you, but don't talk about it anymore, man.

Don't do it again. Can he do it again? No. No. I think it's way worse knowing. Absolutely way worse knowing. I mean, let's say she was 18. That would be legal.

Yes. That's legal. That's fine. I don't know. It's such a thin line. Such a blurry line. That's what blurred lines is about. I think that was one of the problems people had with it.

There is a very clear distinct line. It's not a blurry line. It's 18. Who knows what it is in Israel? I guess I don't know what it is in Israel. Thanks for writing. Don't do it again, but you're fine for now. Tread lightly.

No more. I honestly resent even being asked, frankly. Because now you're implicated in this shit. Holy shit. I'm going to forward you the pictures too. No, no, no. I feel like I'm on the record on this now and I don't want to be. This plus the Prague thing.

Yeah. It definitely should be in jail. All right. Let's take a break. We'll come back. We'll talk more. Catch up more. I don't even know if I ever introduced this fucking show, which is if I were you, the

only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us late, not only in the week, but late to the intro as well. This is the late episode. Late late. Delate. Do you think delayed is comes from the root late? Hmm. Yes.

I am delayed. That's how it started. And then it became its own word. Yeah. All right. Okay. Take a break. Come back.

Answer some more questions. Talk about some more travels after this. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift.

I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah. Not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. Personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why.

As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to like stay in touch with your family.

You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. That's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo. Yeah. Frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant.

We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah.

Yeah. I just heard it or something like that or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame.

Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app.

I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that.

You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit auraframes. That's A-U-R-A frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEDGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best

selling frames. There it is. Oh, wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's A-U-R-A frames.com.

Okay. Go get your parents something, all right. And use the code HEDGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEDGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a

professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. It's incredibly helpful.

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And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a little bit too hard to find it. Oh, I'm coming. Gross. Yeah. Just a quick piece of advice. Renew your passport, kids.

It's not worth the stress, time, and energy, okay? Don't go to the embassy. Don't go to the consulate. It's not a fun time. Is it? Can you renew your passport any time you want or does it have to be like in the last year? What do you mean?

I got a new passport two years ago. It expires in eight years. Can I renew it right now? I would think so. I would think so. I can't imagine why not. Just get a new picture. Yeah.

I just found out recently that babies can get passports. Yeah, there was a baby getting a passport when I was in the embassy in Prague, actually. Yeah, it's really funny. There's just like a three-month-old baby on a passport. They shouldn't need them, right? Yeah, if you're a baby, that should be fine. It should be proof that you're not illegal. Like scanning the baby's passport, eyeing the baby.

I guess it's like what, to protect from like trafficking or something? Yeah, I don't know. I think I'm going on record of saying babies don't need passports. I'll say that they do because I bet there's some sort of really, really powerful reason that they do like baby kidnapping and trafficking. Okay. Can I change my official stance? I would.

I honestly would. I think babies are the only people that need passports. Mm-hmm. Actually, I think that's a little closer. I really want, like waiting in the crazy custom lines, I just don't, I wish that I could just have, I don't know, that they can have access to whatever they want of mine. Like I don't care about like big brother face scanning anything. I have nothing to hide.

I just don't want to take off my shoes and put my shit into tiny little containers. So you want global entry? I do want global entry. Do you have global entry? No, because I got, there's like that app that's called like mobile passport that's like basically the same thing. Oh, I see. And on the way back, the global entry line was longer than the mobile passport line.

And when I was in the mobile passport line, the guy, there was somebody called me over to the diplomat line and I got to go in where the diplomats go in and that was real cool too. I was a diplomat, dude. For a day. For an afternoon, for an affo. It seems like there should be a new system by now than waiting in line and having a surly officer saying, do you have anything to declare?

And then you say no. And then he's like, why are you here? And you're like for vacation. And then he stamps your passport and you walk past. It really is fucking insane. These international crime were just down to the honor system asking me a question, hope that I don't lie. I don't know.

There must, I mean, it must be like, this is also all like, you got to remember to check your privilege here. Just because like there, it is, we're like the right color that these things don't really apply to us. Like yeah, we're not being racially profiled. No, the fact that I'm like talking to British Airways and like sneaking into Prague is a really good position to be in. Yeah, you can do that because your name is Jake Hurwitz.

Yeah. And that is, I'm a lucky guy, but it does feel like even beyond that, the system is just like a little bit bizarre. Yeah. You're a lucky guy, but you deserve to be luckier. That's honestly exactly what I was trying to say. Thanks for putting it so succinctly. All right.

So I go to New Orleans. I then watch a Pelicans game, great basketball game. The plan is the next day to go to Baton Rouge for the LSU Auburn game because I want to experience SEC football, which is like South, Southeastern Conference football, the best college football in the country. Right. We get there and it does not disappoint. There are probably 250,000 people in and around the stadium before the game even starts.

Jesus. It's kind of like a religion down there. The full families are there, like grandparents who went to LSU, their children who are now parents went to LSU, and then grandkids who are now college students all at LSU for six Saturdays a year, Tailgate, which is basically this huge city-wide picnic situation with RVs and campers and barbecues and TVs everywhere. We see some RVs that look like they're custom-made for LSU fans, like this purple and yellow giant mobile bus with gator skin interior and people making jumbalaya and gumbo, inviting

you in. We're three Jews from California, so we're the out-of-towners that everyone was being very nice to. We get into the game. It's insane. There's 100,000 people in there all rooting for LSU, harder than I've ever seen any fan root for a team. This is more intense than the one you did last year, which was Georgia Auburn.

Yeah, Georgia Auburn had similar vibes, but LSU is the number two team in the country, so they treat every game, every play like it's the Super Bowl because they can't lose a game. Wow. It's kickoff. Everybody's standing doing this organized chant where they all know exactly what to say, when to say, what to sing, hand movements, arm movements, standing, bowing, jumping. It's literally like praying.

Jesus. It's not only college drunk kids. The row in front of us was a dad, his three daughters, who were all so nervous throughout the entire game, yelling after every second down like, what the fuck are you guys doing? Or screaming at the ref, turning around the entire audience rooting for it together. They end up winning the game, and people tell us to go to, I'm like, what's the college bar around here that people celebrate at? I'm like, I've been to a college bar.

I can hang. But at LSU, since there's 200,000 to 500,000 people all looking to party after these games, the college bar, quote unquote, is this place called Fred's, which is in an area called Tiger Town or Tigerville because it's the LSU Tigers. Of course. And when we get there, it's not even a bar. The bar is too small, so they set up big top style tents like it's the circus. Jesus.

So you go to this parking lot, which is like the size of Dodger Stadium parking lot. There's an entrance called Welcome to Tiger Town. You walk through the gate, and it's carnival style tents, but it's not just one. It's like, you know, on the right is Fred's, which has like its own big top. And then across the parking lot is like another place called Mike's, which is another bar with another big top. Mike's in Fred's. And I walk inside.

It's a $10 cover. I'm going to send you this video that I took once I was in there, just like, imagine a college bar where, I don't know, Moravian or whatever, Eastern, Western Pennsylvania. Right. And then let me send you this video. This was just one of the, let's say, four college bars in. In this big tent area? Yeah, in Tiger Town, Tigerville, whatever they call it.

Did anybody, did anybody recognize you? No. Everybody seemed so young, so drunk, so like completely like, it felt like a different planet. Here, check out the video. I'm watching. This is, looks like Barcelona. Yeah.

It's basically Ibiza under a tent. Everybody there paid $10. And this was one of four bars slash tents in Tiger Town after that. What time is it right here? Only 10 p.m. My, how late did you guys stay? I did one lap and like, I can't move. I can't see anything.

And we basically like, left. Yeah. I guess I would do that too. You didn't get a drink? So many kids. I mean, this looks like, yeah, this looks like a European rave. It really does. That looks.

It's just after a football game. I guess this happens 11 Saturdays a year. I'm wondering like what, what this bar is like on a Thursday in March. No way they keep these tents up year round, right? There's so much infrastructure around it. But like, yeah, I guess why not? Cause there's, there's so many, there's so much cash to be made. Yes.

We should make our own bar. That's right. And it's so funny cause it has like a very like, I look on the map and it's like, oh Fred's, this seems easy. Yeah. Tigerland. That's what it's called. Tigerland.

Fred's in Tigerland. My God. So that was our experience in Baton Rouge. Very nice. But I'm heading back to Fred's this weekend if you're interested. I'm interested. I am very interested. So they're playing, it's a bi-week, so it's going to be a little more chill vibe and I'm

DMing Fred's bar. They're not responding so far, but I said I was down to do like five minutes of podcasting before the DJ set. Five minutes stand up. Yeah. So I'm going to do stand up at Fred's if you're in the area. I'm not interested, frankly. Yeah.

Okay. That makes sense. Right. Cause who would be? You didn't even have any fans down there. You said, they wouldn't even recognize you. They'd be angry at me. And they don't care about you.

They're like football fans. Yeah, exactly. They're football fans. They want to hear music and or DJs and stuff like that. You're like a middle-aged podcaster. Yeah. They'd be like kind of like a wet blanket on their awesome night. People would be mad at me.

A lot of your material is kind of like making fun of Fred's and like at the LSU religion of football too, right? Yeah. Like I'm an outsider for sure and I'm not there to make friends. Yeah. You're there to make cash and that's all you want to do. Yeah. I want like a, I want a percentage of the door.

Right. Which again, no one is there to see you. So why would you get there? No, they're there to like just drink, party, listen to music, celebrate their team's win. Yeah, exactly. And I'm just there saying, Hey, is anybody here from out of town? Yeah. Right.

Why would you be? Who would be caught dead in a place like this if you're from literally anywhere else? It's like, it's wild to me that you recognize this and you still want to go. Isn't that going? Yeah. So I'm going to be there on Thursday. Why? But that's the thing.

I'm asking like, you know that it's. Midnight. That's such a bad time. I go on it. That's a bad time. They're, they're, yeah, they're away this weekend, right? Yeah, they're away, but they like do a pregame on Friday morning and then that leads into the game on Saturday.

So you, but you're going to be there Thursday night. So no one will, I guess, I guess have fun. Sorry. Yeah. Have fun. Have a good time, man. Thank you. And I'm getting you a ticket too.

I'm not going. You are? No, I'm not. Speaking of fans, we got a question from a guy who signed it off with, I'm a virgin. So we'll call this guy Virgil. Nice. Virgil says, I made a Tinder earlier this year. If yesterday I saw a girl and with a bio, not really a hobby, but I've been pretty into

Crazins recently. Love it. I had never seen another diva roach to share a beef with on Tinder before. So I super liked her. I had a bio with a reference to Jake and Amir too for that matter. She matched with me in about 45 minutes and I told her that I was planning on going dickless for chickless if she hadn't matched with me. Love it.

Figured she'd respond in kind. Oh. I like saying in kind. In kind. I thought she'd respond in kind, but instead she said, I was just about to talk to you, but my approach would have been a little different, haha. I figured maybe for whatever reason she knew about the Crazins reference, but not the dickless for chickless.

So the next message I sent her was, your bio is a Jake and Amir reference, right? Next thing I know, the complete queen unmatched me. Did the bitch get skinned? Did the bitch get skittish when she found out what alpha webby award winning taste I had? Was she a bot? Was she a John Wolf style who references things to get boys excited and then blue balls them right before they sink the game winning three? Where did I go wrong?

I'm a virgin. Oh man. I think if it's possible, we've influenced this kid too much. I no longer like him. My God. Yeah, it could be a John Wolf style. I'm planning on going dickless for chickless and then she's like, haha, it unmatches you. There's other references you could have made, man.

You should have done a one almond thing. You think she left because of the reference? I don't know. Like her bio is so a Jake and Amir thing, right? Yeah, Crazins. It's possible. I wonder if it's possible that she saw it somewhere else and took it. Oh, like she had no idea.

Like what if she was on Tinder? She saw a dude with that bio and she's like, that's pretty funny. It's like a weird random thing to say. I'll put that in my bio. There's no way you like that as a standalone joke. I'm not really a hobby, but I've been pretty into Crazins. That's good. That's a standalone joke to you.

Yeah, I like it, but I wouldn't imagine someone who has no idea who I am would like it. I think there's room in the world for those as standalone jokes. I could imagine somebody seeing that and being like, that's a good bio for my Tinder, which means nothing, you know? Yeah, but then when somebody gives you another one, I'm going dickless for chickless if you don't match with me. She didn't respond in kind. She responded in mean.

Yeah, I guess there's just no matter how much you think they know our videos, I feel like on a dating app saying you're going to cut your dick off for Michael Chickless is just not the move. Yeah, regardless, you did say the word dick in the first message. Right. So avoid that in the future and you'll be fine. You know what? Odds are you might find another woman out there who likes both the Crazins and the dickless

reference. I do like keeping a Jacob and your reference in there might help you find some common ground with one of these babes. Here's a Halloween themed question for us just in time. Halloween. Are you doing anything for Halloween? I don't know. I feel like I missed the party when I was away, like all of my friends went out this past

Saturday. Yeah, Halloween feels like that was another thing at LSU, it was not only that, but also Halloween so people were dressed up. That's super fun. The weekend before Halloween like happens and then by the time Halloween rolls around you're like, wait, wasn't that last week? Yeah, especially when it's like it's on a Thursday this year, which is like Thursday is kind of a party night.

You could totally go out on a Thursday. Yeah. And then do you wear the same costume twice? I don't know. Yeah. I think I'm just like in my old age, I'm past going out on Thursday. I don't want to be hungover when I have shit to do. Yeah, on a Friday.

It's crazy that a few years ago I was that was just like fine with me like, yeah, I'll go out till 4 a.m. on a Tuesday. Yeah. Wednesday will be a wash, but I'll just be in the office. But I'll just be in charge of things. Yeah. Insane. I think that's the difference between being an employee and being the head of a company.

I guess so. Yeah, I can't. I don't feel like I can be hungover. All right, here's the question. OK. We'll call this person Jack Skellington. Nice. Hey, Jake and Amir, I'm in a little bit of a pickle.

You see, I'm a female office worker. Uh-oh. Jacqueline Skellington. Right. And I work in a very typical office space. Cubicles, the constant sound of typing on a computer and stressed out bald guys walking around talking about numbers. With all hollows Eve coming up, a department very close to my own has decided to decorate.

Not sure what they were going for, but in one of the rows, they just laid a trail of hay on the ground. Just hay, nothing else. Hey. The hay has been there for two weeks and Halloween is still a week away. The problem is that the smell of hay is getting worse. It smells like something is mutating into some kind of work fermented hay. I think I might become allergic to the dang stuff and it's in the row right by the entrance.

So every time someone opens the door, a waft of fresh wind gets turned into the horse's dream smell. Should I bring this up to my boss and have them remove it? Or should I wait out a week, wear a mask and to work to protect my delicate nose from the stench of this hay? Any advice would be greatly helpful, thanks. She's got hay fever. What is the correlation between hay and Halloween, like haunted hay rides?

I guess it's like, I don't know, maybe like just like a fall thing? It doesn't make any sense to me. Have you ever done a haunted hay ride? Yes. I think I have. Oh yeah, I definitely have. What's the deal there? You're in a car in a field with hay?

You ride on like a big open bed of a tractor trailer style thing with like hay on the ground. You just sit there and instead of walking through a haunted house, you kind of like drive through a field or an obstacle course and shit jumps out at you throughout a farm. I see. I don't like scary shit though. That's not me. I don't like haunted rides or haunted houses. I don't like being shocked, grabbed, frightened.

I don't like ghost pools, switches. I don't like being touched, haunted, spooked or scared. Oh, what was that? Oh, I'm just here to ask you if you have the $25 for the hay ride. $25. No, that's terrifying. That's the scariest part of this whole place. I think, I don't know, yeah, you can, I feel like if it were me in this situation, I usually

don't say anything and I would just suffer for a week and have it be over. But if it's like actually making you sick, you're well within your rights to request that it be removed. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Hay is, I think you can be officially allergic to it. Oh yeah. And I feel like if it stinks, other people probably think so too.

Right. I think it's definitely one of those things where as soon as you say something, people will be like, oh yeah, that is really bad. We should get rid of that. Yeah. Nobody's going to, I don't think anyone's going to defend the hay. Yeah. Maybe put up a small pumpkin.

Yeah. You're ruining Hay-O-Wean for us. Yeah. Have you seen our Halloween decorations going up in Brooklyn still? Oh yeah. I saw the most charming thing last night, which was just like my neighbors putting up cobwebs with their kids. Yeah.

I feel like Halloween decorations didn't used to be such a thing either. I cannot stand the, I would never, ever. Well, I guess maybe if I'm a dad someday and a kid is like really wants to do decorations, I would probably give in, but fake spiderwebs are just, they give me like just the tiniest little bit of anxiety. Because it's dirt. It's hard to clean and they don't like the way they feel and they're hard to hang out. That's the scariest thing of all.

Yeah. They'll just be around forever and then like. You ever carve a pumpkin? Yeah. Fuck it. Oh, fuck it. Oh, fuck a pumpkin for sure. You'll fuck a pumpkin.

Yeah. For Halloween. Slice a butternut squash in half lengthwise and microwave it and fuck it. I swear, I think that's how bisque is made. The art part is making sure the seeds don't get too warm on my balls. Sorry, I asked if you carved a pumpkin, huh? You holding a three-year-old boy? Hey, hey.

Cool it. Actually, that actually brings me to another funny email we got. Should read this before we go. This one made me laugh. Did you get this one? The application for another God daughter? Oh, yes, I did. Let's read that.

So in the past couple weeks, you've sort of taken on the responsibility of being one of our listeners, their daughter's godfather. Riannan, that's right. My goddaughter. I got a video of her dancing to, I forget what song it was, but she's super cool. Riannan's cool. I got another email from Matthew wanting to throw his hat in the ring, AKA his child in the ring, doing some thinking regarding Jake's recent promotion to godfather.

And I've got to say, I'm a bit disappointed he took the first goddaughter that came his way. Whoa. Don't you think he should have weighed his options? Okay. Okay. Okay. My daughter, Everly, just turned one and we are prepared to offer not just Jake the

role of godfather, but we would like Jill to be the godmother as well. Whoa. If anything were to happen to my wife and I, this arrangement allows Jake to remain with Jill instead of having to marry a random godmother. We would be honored. I have attached pictures. We live in New Jersey, so you don't even have to uproot your life. If you were called into the line of duty, just think about it.

She's posing with pumpkins. Yeah. She's got a sweet bow. She's got a nice topknot. She's eating an apple cider donut. It's just very adorable. Everly, I like donuts too. We have so much in common.

We could have so much fun together. I can probably have, what are the chances that something happens to Rhiannon's mom and Everly's parents? You know? I feel like... Yeah. It's got to be like one in a million, right? Right.

So I think I could take on both. I don't think that's a problem. And I would also love to accept on behalf of Jill, she's in. And that would mean, though, also that if something happens to this guy's wife, but not him, that would mean he gets to marry my wife. In the next two weeks, both of these parents, including you are dead and Jill's left with three godchildren. It's just someone playing this podcast in court, fast-forwarding to all the pedophile

shit in the beginning. It's after the gourd fucking. It comes right after he talks about fucking the gourd. Yeah, he talks about stealing a passport and it was Jill's idea, so she's sort of next of kin. So this oral agreement actually stands because they went to the embassy. Yeah. Jill would be a great godmother.

We're in. We're in. All right. Sweet. And this also, Rhiannon lives in Philly, so this is perfect. You could do a Tri-State tweet up. Yeah. I mean, essentially.

We definitely could. If we do a show in Philly or New York, I mean, I don't see why there's a reason why both of my goddaughters wouldn't be in the audience. You think they'll have to come to our show? I think they should come to their show. I think they'd want to support their goddad. Their god? You?

Yeah. I'm their godfather. I'm like, if I have a comedy show, they'll probably want to come. The one-year-olds? Yeah. Well, I mean, yeah, I think they'd want to see, they'd want to see the show. And they'd want to... If we do a show and the one-year-olds don't come, you don't have the right to be sad about

that. I wouldn't be sad about it. I'd be pissed. I wouldn't be like... I wouldn't be like... My parents are at the kids. I'd be mad at everybody. Yeah.

I can tell. You're already kind of mad. Yeah. I'm in a bad mood today. Because of that. Yeah. Because of that. Because you suggested my goddaughter wouldn't want to go to my goddamn show.

Jesus Christ. That's awesome. What if it's a NADpod show? That's a little too... That's more of like, you got to be 18 to go to those shows. Why? That show is so much more PG than this one. No, no, no, no, no.

This show is better for kids. No, it's not. I think I would know. I have two daughters. Sorry. I think I would know. Four minutes ago, you were fucking a squash. You were doing that.

So tell me what show is good for kids. You were doing that. You made that joke. You made that inference. You were cracking up. You couldn't get enough. It was a good joke. Was it...

Oh, by the way, we haven't talked about this in a while, but do you think that joke was good enough to win like a award or a gold mic or anything like that? Well, I think you actually... You won the tourney when you said babies shouldn't have passports. What? You kind of said that, too. No, that was pretty fucked up when you said that. I didn't say that.

Because babies need protection, and I know that because I'm a father two times over, and that's why I get the gold and mic this week, because I am responsible for two frigging lives and you don't have to do anything except for fuck gourds all day. Why? I don't do that. I was joking about that. You were joking. That was the sadistic part, that it really didn't seem like it was a Josh.

I guess it did. No, it didn't. It definitely seemed like a Josh. It wasn't a Josh to you. I was obviously joshing. You were obviously just like... It was almost like you were confessing, and that was the fucked up part. I don't think so.

I found it to be nasty. I found it to be abhorrent. I found it to be low. You were laughing. No, I didn't. You can play it back. I didn't laugh. Okay, I'll play it back.

All right. Don't, don't, don't. All right. That's it. Thanks for listening. Thanks for submitting your theme song, submitting your questions, submitting your children. Thank you for submitting your children. You can send it all to ifirishow at gmail.com, opening theme song.

Remember the Giorgio electronic synth pop? Oh, yeah. This closing one is written by Daniel, who says, I'm normally a pretty good singer, but alas, I'm sick and I sound terrible. Also, it took me like an hour, and I didn't put a lot of reference in it, but it's still pretty chill. Use this song. This night will go down in history.

It's forever night. And I ask you to mention my Instagram, Daniel Boney NYC. Sometimes I put covers on there and shout out to my wonderful girlfriend, Sunny. Wow. You didn't want to wait for your shot to wait till like a week until you felt better. I love that. The confidence. You had to go for it.

Come for the English words. Stay for the Hebrew words at the end. Very nice. Thanks to everyone for listening. Again, apologies for being delayed. Indeed. I'll see you back next week. Bye, everybody.

Peace. It was on sale for $16.95. Kangaroos are the only thing that make me feel alive. If I were you, here's what I'd say. Baby, I miss you every day. But now I'm in Antarctica and doing well. And I'm the protector of the nightly apparel. Don't get blue.

It's them and you. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up.