If I Were You - 409: Secret Santa (w/Thomas Middleditch!)

Episode Date: November 18, 2019

Comedian, friend, and lover Thomas Middleditch is in the studio to discuss moving to Australia, the Super Flu, and the greatest gift of all: Sand.For more IF I WERE YOU check out our Patreon.com/JASee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. What? You're just playing that little laptop speakers and you're not going to plug that thing in? No, I'll add that into the final project once I'm editing the episode. And cool edit, bro. Once you're into cool edit, bro. Yeah, once I'm in Premiere, then I start assembling shit. I'll put the song in, I'll adjust the levels. Tell us more about your process. Headgum intro stinger, headgum outro stinger, break in the middle, add insertion dynamically. Dynamic.

So I don't have to do that. And then you log on to Art 19, your email address. Well, you don't have to do the actual email address. And then you're part of the password. Yeah, I don't do the password. Yeah. Thomas Middleditch in the house. Hey, ho.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Thanks, man. Recording in New York City are headgum east offices. Thanks for breaking in our HGBK offices. First guest in the headgum office. That's right. Yeah, and people honestly, they knew that this was going to happen. They've been clamoring for it on the forums, online.com.

They wanted you for episode 400, but that we sped past that. We blew past it. And now we're like at 409. The classic Middleditch 409 bump. This is when the podcast need Tommy. It's episode 409. It's like things are getting a little stale after the 400 rebrand. Yeah.

We're nine episodes. People got stale at like episode, what, 25? Do you guys have a total new format? Yeah. We're not even doing questions anymore. Oh, wow. We do unsolicited advice now. Have you been on during an unsolicited advice?

No. Wow. Wait till after the break. It's going to be insane. You're going to love it. You're going to love it. And is it medical advice? Yes.

It has to be. It has to come from you. Oh, God. I got to figure out what ills me. Actually, my last bit of unsolicited was medical. It was flu shot. Do you get flu shots? Do you believe in that kind of stuff?

Sure. It's not like I don't believe in it. I just haven't. No. I don't know. That's the problem. People just don't actually actively go out and get one. Yeah.

Are you super pro? Super pro. I actively go to a pharmacy, get one, wait in line. But isn't it, but are we, as not a baby or not an elder, you're not really at risk of them getting sick. Yeah. The risk is getting the flu. Oh, okay.

Well, who cares? You're fine with that, yeah. It's been a couple weeks. Isn't it like, aren't by doing all these vaccines, aren't we kind of creating a super flu? All right. Let's get to the show. Thank you.

I was just like inherently skeptical and I didn't really know how to articulate it, but it's super flu. It's a super flu. That's the problem. So the vaccinations are creating a super flu? To spare yourself one or two weeks of not feeling nasty, you're creating essentially the future. It'll wipe out the population.

Which is what we need. So actually, I'm pro for that. You need to get rid of about four bills. You know about the super flu, but you're pro it? Yeah. Yeah. I just, I'm a conscientious objector. You want the super flu.

You want a cooling. Yeah. I want a cooling. A cooling up the herd. We need a big predator to come and gobble us all up. Isn't it like every single movie in the world where like the villain is like, the earth's population is too big and we need to cut it in half? And then the heroes like stop them.

Right. Yeah. But like maybe they're right. Oh no, they're always right. Right. But what about if the villain wasn't a person or a beast, but actually a disease that was killing us from within, not externally? That was the happening.

Really? Yeah. Wait. The happening M Night Shalemons? Yeah. What about the bees guys? The bees. The bees.

The bees and the trees. The bees and the trees. The bees and the trees. Attacked bees. They have poisoned the human mind to make everyone start killing themselves. I tell you, they make me weak in the knees. It was just an invisible disease. This is M Night in the room.

Third night of no sleep. She had my mum along. Yeah. Outbreak was also this. It was just like... Contagion. Yeah, sure. Yeah.

Yeah. Look. Yeah. What do we want to do guys? Do we want to live forever? Do you want to live for a little bit? Probably not forever, right? Well...

It depends. Am I like hot? Am I like, do I feel good? I don't want to be old for a long time. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Collectively. As a species. Oh, you want humans?

Purely so. Do we want to live for a long, long, long time? Not forever. Nothing's forever. Or do we want to like, you know... Call it. So like, you want the human race to die with you? I'm asking you.

Right. Well, no, it's like... Do you want to call it fairly quickly? Or do you want to go on for a bit? I mean, we've definitely had our heyday. We've been around for a long time. Yeah. Like the 70s, 80s, and 90s were awesome.

Okay. Ever since then, things have been going downhill. And we can either follow this course to the bitter end. It does also feel like we peeked like scientifically. You know, like the idea of like moon bases and Mars. Like we went to space, but we're not ever going to live there. Like we're not aware of where to fuck that one up. Soft pitch.

We need more time, right? That's what you're saying. We need more time to do anything. Okay. So soft pitch. What if I told you that I have blueprints? Create a creature. Okay.

Blueprints to create a creature. You got blueprints to create a creature. Listen to me, genetic blueprints. So create a creature that will be our natural predator. It'll breed like bananas. Whoa. You know how bananas breed, right? Yeah.

You're talking about somebody above us in the future. Something to hunt us. Something to hunt us. We need to be hunted. You know, we got to take this 8B down to about 4B. 2.2. Right. Which is what you want.

You just, you went down to 4B. And then you added another 1.8 billion. I'll give you, but I'll give you the 1.8 push. I'll give you the 4B. What's to be nice. Ideally, it's 2.2 billion down from the current 8. But you'll give us 4. No, no.

I want 2.2 total. But I'll give you 4 total. Just we need to remove 4. Remove? Right. Once half of the population, once half of it's gone. That's a lot. How do we stop?

That's fine. I'm getting, I can get there. That could be you. That could be half the people. No chance because I have the fucking blueprints. Tommy's going to show them to me. Okay. I need funding.

How do we make sure it doesn't go from 8B to 4B and then just kill everybody? Like if it's breeding like bananas. That's a great question. Thank you. Okay. Every predator has a predator. So we, there's nothing. What if I told you if I have another set of genetic blueprints?

Just tell me right now, how many do you have? Because you don't have to slowly roll it out. You had the one, now you have two. Do you have two total? Oh, you want a number? You want a number to my food chain? Yeah. Okay.

It's not that many. It's pretty chill. How many? You really want the number? I want to know how many people are going to kill the predator or the predator. Okay. Well, I'm still developing. Obviously.

Sure. Obviously. I'll tell you this. It's above 672. There's a lot. There's 672 and it's more than that. That's so many. Yeah, man.

That's so many to kill people. Well, it's not all killing people because it's, they start killing the predators. Yeah. You know that nursery rhyme? Do the little lady swallow the fly? Yeah. I don't know why she swallowed the fly. She'll die.

Yeah. Yeah. But then there's other shit in there too. Yeah. Yeah. The spider went out of sight or went out of sight or not just fly or whatever the fuck. You want to go 672 layers deep up from humans? I ask you again, how long do you want to be around?

You want to call it pretty quick because we're calling it pretty quick without this end of the century. Without this bat dragon. Give me the end of the century. I don't need. I don't need the bat. The dragon. Would you rather accept the great culling or be, then you're the culled.

Okay. Then you are the culled. Also, now this is the best bit. It sounds fairly random. Well, it's all tying into a script I wrote. Obviously, this is mainly tied to a Hollywood script. It's called the cullening. Okay.

And it's about, it's about a really smart genius man who events a lot of genetic blueprints. Would that be played by you? It's a middle-ditch type. Right. Super smart. All the human race, and then some evil villains in suits with some superpowers try to be stopping. One like shitty little nebish naysay or something even too.

Yeah. Yeah. But he's got an alter ego, but he's just a little dick-licker. Like a dick-licker. Who would be that? Can you audition? Would you audition? I'd be interested in playing the lead.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. You would be the lead Tommy. Which type? Yeah. But what do you need? Like what do you need a guy to be like, I don't think that's such a good idea.

I wouldn't even have to break that character. I already don't play it. Yeah. No, it's just great. I mean, just do that. Yeah. And then. Six hundred and seventy-two.

What are you fucking kidding me with that? God. Yeah. There's a great scene where he learns the number, but he's drinking water at the same time. And is it like bubbly water? Yeah. Yeah. It burns his nose when he breaks it.

It's like a less liqueur. It takes with a pompomous liqueur. Does it kind of like burp? Yeah. Yeah. Because it goes up in his nose. Yeah. You know, and the line is, oh, six hundred and seventy-two.

Are you kidding me? Okay. Don't give me a line read, but what do you think about this? Okay. All right. Tell me the number. Tell me the number. Okay.

Well, sir, it's about six hundred and seventy-two. Six hundred and seventy-two. Are you kidding me? Yeah. Great. No spit though. I want to see the liquid. I think you need to dribble a little bit.

Because like in the script, I just dribble it. On the day I'll dribble the liquid, I don't want to ruin my laptop. I don't want to ruin my laptop for the audition. I'll do it on the day. I don't have to do it now. Okay. I guess some people are more dedicated. I'll do it.

I'll do it. Okay. All right. Give me the prompt. Well, at this point, six hundred and seventy-two. Six hundred and seventy-two. This is fucking absurd. I don't like improv.

I already gave you my scripts. Actually. You went off book. You went off book. Are you kidding me? Yeah. You said this is absurd. I can improvise.

You can't. You did like, you did drill. I did drill. You drilled a decent amount, but it needs to be like. Yeah. I should really spray it. You can do it on the day as they say. On the day.

Yeah. I'll do it on the day. On the day. Anyway, thank you so much for considering us. No problem. No problem. This is after all an advice podcast technically for the people who are still alive and or listening.

Right. People who will email us in sticky situations, need our advice, need our guide. Sometimes just me and Jake, sometimes Tommy joins us. Today we have Thomas Middleditch once again live at HG Lightning Bolt BK. Yes. Oh, you have to go. Is that a website? Yeah.

HG Lightning Bolt BK. How do you type that in? You got emojis as a URL. Yeah. No. How do you get this live? Are you high? HG Lightning Bolt BK.

How do you get this live, man? Is that how you go live? You go into HG Lightning Bolt. Look, I just don't understand how you type that in. It's in Spotify, so it's fine. It's an app? Oh, it's a Spotify. HG Lightning Bolt BK.

You sound like my uncle during Thanksgiving. I'm trying to explain to him once again how podcasting works. And it's live? No, it's not live. Oh. We're live now. They're listening it on a tape delay. Well, don't say live.

Oh, it's a tape delay, like the Oscars? Oh, not like the Oscars. So you can't say too many wacky stuff, otherwise you'll get censored? You can say anything. Oh, really? You can say fuck. You can say shit.

It doesn't matter. Aunt Mir? A Mir? No. Aunt Mir. My aunt. Aunt Mir? This is a 25-year-old lady living in NYC.

Bless her. Can we give her a fake name? Tiffany Haddish. Right. Famed New Yorker Tiffany Haddish writes, I'm a 25-year-old lady living in NYC, and I'm seeking the advice from a man and a chipmunk. Hey, oh.

I made out. Is one of you guys supposed to be the chipmunk? Jake is supposed to be a chipmunk. I made out with a coworker. It's clear which one is. I made out with a coworker, she writes. I met at a work social a month ago. He works in a different office,

so I wasn't worried when we started going on dates and talking nonstop. It was clear from the get-go that I wasn't into a casual hookup. He wanted me to meet his friends and invited me to things that were weeks away, which made it seem like he was on the same page. This dude even convinced me to go rock climbing with him, which is very out of character for me.

After a few fun dates, I went to Miami for a vacation that I had planned. Before I left, he said that we need to hang out once I'm home and joke that I should bring him back some sand. Oh no. While I was away, he left my last texts unanswered,

still not thinking much of it. My dumbass actually bottled up some sand, thinking it would be cute to give to him. When I got back to NY, I texted him again, but got no response. A day later, I apologized for going,

sorry, he apologized for going MIA on me, but then returned to radio silence, knowing he was suddenly pulling away. I asked him what was going on. He admitted that he got scared, but he'd still love to hang out. After a pint of ice cream and a couple baths later, I'm still feeling bitter and I want to seek revenge.

I probably won't see him in an office setting again. However, we do have a holiday party coming up, so my question is, do I confront him and pour the sand on him? Or do I take the high road? Obviously, I need to keep my actual job in mind. Please help. What do I do to show him

that he can't get away with leading me on? Thanks, love Tiffany Haddish. Good. Okay. The question is, how can I fuck this guy up? Right. So it's not even like, should I want revenge?

I don't think she should want it. She wants to know. First of all, her question is, how do I exact my revenge? First of all, if the CEO of McDonald's has taught us anything, there is no such thing as a consensual workplace environment. She should be fired.

What? She should be let go. Dating a coworker? That's what the Twitter wants, and that's what Twitter gets. You're out of here, sweetheart. You're gone. Now your question is irrelevant.

She wants to know, she should dump sand on this fuck plate. At work. Come on, baby. Relax. What you could do is put it in, I'm just worried about how to do it, because like,

I feel like you want it to be like, thrown in his face, like a martini or something, or like a glass of champagne. Yeah, but if it's sand, it won't do. It might just kind of like, drip it out.

No, no, no, no. Check it out, though. If you empty, and consequently dry, a champagne flute. Of, okay. Oh, champagne. You get it.

It's at the party. Okay, great. Grab this, and you fucking dump it out, so it's not like wet. Yes. So then you put the sand in. I think a cool move would be to

drink it. Bottoms up, drink it, grab a cocktail napkin, wipe it. You'll have to wipe it down. And then you put your sand in there, and you go, hey, do you want to drink?

Hey, how's it going? I haven't seen you in a while. Yeah, I'd like to see you, too. What the fuck are you drinking? It's actually for you here. Holy shit. Come over here. Look at this girl.

She's drinking fucking sand. No, I'm not. I got this for you. I broke up with you. You didn't break up with me. You're fucking insane. What are you, hey, drink this sand.

And then I chuck it on you. Lend it on my shoe, which is fine. It's so muddy, you obviously didn't wipe out that champagne fluid enough. It's like a coarse quicksand on my nice new shoes.

You freak. I think there's a world where he didn't necessarily know he was leading her on. So there's not really a reason to be. He said, I think he's being a little cowardly, but he still did say,

I got scared. I got cold feet. People are allowed to change their mind. People are allowed to change their mind. I don't think he needs to be sanded. Sand him. Don't sand him. Boys and girls always change their mind.

Girls change their mind too. It's okay. Don't take it personally. It just wasn't, it wasn't clicking. What if whatever the bits were that you were excited about, he just wasn't excited about?

Yeah. It's not you. It's not him. It's just a combo of the two. Have you ever done that to getting a gift a little bit too early and then it disintegrates and then you're like,

I still have the gift. You mean, have I ever jumped the gun on my emotions? Yeah. I'm Mr. Full Tilt. Oh, so you go way in, way fast.

Yeah. I'm like, hi, hi, hi. Just been thinking about you. Oh my God. You respond. Well, this is also, I mean, that happens to me too. Like I think I've done stuff

that this guy has done because I get more joy and excitement out of the courtship phase. And other people are more apprehensive during the courtship phase. And get more joy out of a long-term commitment. Sure.

So like that's usually an incompatible relationship where I'm like, I want to go on dates, dates, dates, dates, dates. And then I'm like, oh, okay. All right, we're done

with the dates part. I don't want to do anything else. And if he's 25, if he's also 25. Yeah. Because she is 25. She's 25. Well,

I don't know. The best way to send him is to fuck his friend at work. That's probably the best way to send. Yeah. The guy's name is Sandy. Yeah.

There's nothing. You don't have to do anything with the sand, except I'll give it to the friend after you fuck the friend. Oh, that's like, hey, Mike's going to ask you for this. Right.

Tell him Sandy sent you. And she's dressed like Sandy from Greece. Right. The best way to send him is A, you're fucking fired. But B,

the best way to send him... Stop firing her. You don't know the workplace policy. I'm just tired of this shit. But the best way to send him is to just fucking look banger that night. Go to the work party.

Look awesome. Be confident. Hang out with your friends. And if he's like, hey, what's going on? You want to hang out? Just be like, no, I don't. But nice to see you, man.

And you don't have to be rude. Any time you show that you're butthurt by it, they win. Would it be cool to do, like, as part of... Like, I'm just picking back on your idea,

which I really like. But like, as part of your, your, like, outfit, you do, like, a really sexy, like, vile of sand. No, because of that show. So it's like a super low cut.

Then that shows you're thinking about it, that you're obsessing over him. Oh, this? Yeah, no. I guess, I guess it. I brought it to Miami. I don't know. It's something, I guess,

yeah, you did ask me to do that, but it had nowhere else to go, so it's around my neck. Anyway, I'm cool and totally over it. Whoa. And then you fall down stairs. The glass vile stabs you in the chest. Yeah.

Don't be, don't turn into, like, like a Kate Hudson scene from a rom-com. So this is more like a living well is the best revenge. I think so. That always sends me into a tiz

when I've been, like, back when I was dating, when I was, if I was, you know, an inconsiderate person or whatever, it just didn't work out or whatever. I would just, if I saw the lady act and all awesome, I'd be like, oh man, I'm an idiot.

And for me, if they fucked my friend, that would be like. Oh, that's how, that's how they get me back. That happened all the time. Really? Yeah. I guess because this guy got scared

that he was, you were moving too fast. Maybe you're like, hey, I'm getting you the sand. And then he's like starting to freak out. So the best way to get him. He asked for the sand. Don't blame it on the sand. He asked for this.

Sometimes it's exciting to get excited about the sand. He probably didn't even like you. He just really wanted the sand. Relax. Relax. Give him the sand.

It's over. Quit being dramatic. Give the guy his sand. You're the one holding out on his fucking gift. Chill out. You're being weird. You're being weird. Give him the sand!

Give him the sand! Give him the sand. The fuck is wrong with you Tiffany? Give him the sand! You brought the sand, you have it. You have the sand. He asked for the sand. You're the one who's

holding out on the bargain. Give me the sand. Give me the sand, Tiffany. Give me the sand now, Tiffany. Get rid of the sand and this whole place blows. Don't do anything crazy, Tim, I'm begging you. I'm gonna pour it out, I wanna pour out the sand. No!

I've never even seen the beach. I've never seen the beach. I've never even seen the water. Man, and then the curse is finally broken. Cause there is no way to give the sand back and be cool. You do not get the power back by going like, oh, by the way, nothing I fucking care. Here's the sand I all got to put up an app.

What is that? Yeah, you wouldn't remember at all. Dude would not remember. I asked for what? You fucking maniac. And at the work party. You're going crazy. All right, multiple options there for her to choose from.

All right, really only one. We presented a menu. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Depends, yeah. All right, let's take a break. Thanks for more sponsors. Come back, answer some more questions after this. Thank you to AuraFrames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast.

You know, AuraFrames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is, yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member

that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah, for me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes.

We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great, really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool.

So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the AuraFrame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife.

And you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit. This is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my god. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant.

It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an Aura. Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device,

anywhere, and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me at a pool or something that could be funny. Yeah, like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah, it's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit AuraFrames.

That's A-U-R-A-Frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best-selling frames. There it is. Oh, wow, this is timely. The deal ends on June 18th, so don't wait. Terms and conditions apply.

That's AuraFrames-A-U-R-A-Frames.com. OK, go get your parents something, all right? And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast. You were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp.

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Check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. God, I've even seen the beach. You did it all for sand, not sand. And we're back. Thomas, do you have any? Oh, it's a lift, dude. It's a bike.

Mom, I'm coming. Gross. What? What? Did that the only time mom, I'm coming? Amir says that. That's a goof. I wasn't actually jizzing at the moment.

What the hell? Wait, do you still love your parents? Yes. But I'm not jerking off every time. You don't. Wait, you don't jerk off? I do, but not in front of my mom. Every time.

In front of your mom. Or behind anywhere. I'm not next to my mommy when I do it. Okay. Anyway, why are we fucking dissecting this? You call to her from your bedroom. Yes. She likes to know.

Okay. Big frickin' whoop. What's your unsolicited? Common. When you finish, Amir. I will. Knock it off, mom. You're embarrassing me.

Oh, I'm nutting. I will. I always do. Obviously. Anyways, Amir, it was nice to meet your mom. What's my unsolicited advice? Oh, well, I was so, I've never gotten to like workout classes and stuff like that. And I just started going to one where it was like a group thing.

It's not fully CrossFit, I guess, but it is that like interval training. High intensity. Yeah. High intensity. High intensity interval training. High intensity. A class of sorts. Yes.

A class. And everyone's Australian. Oh, God. They sound jacked. And there, yeah. And I remember waiting before and hearing the previous class go and you can hear the guy on the microphone. He said, oh, way to go.

I'll see you there. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. A legend. And I was like, God, that's so fucking stupid. What am I doing here? Who brought you? My wife told me to go.

My wife told me to go. You know, I endorphins. They help just crippling depression. Definitely supposed to make you feel better. Yeah. Yeah. And they do for like a couple of minutes. And then I was beating myself up after going here and like embarrassed and embarrassed.

And then I tell you after that class, I was smiling ear to ear. Really? I was having a great time. Like the rest of it. Yeah. Like it kicks you off. All right. A couple of questions.

Do they have one in New York? Well, I don't want to say the name. Well, I will. But it's like it's free promo. Yeah. You got to charge that. Usually I charge that. You got to pay for the juice, baby.

Well, hey, I tell you what, if anyone, if there are any like owners, owner operators of this franchise. You'll work out anywhere. Yeah. Like give me some free passes for fuck's sake. Oh, yeah. These are expensive classes. Yeah.

Well, there's a million of these things. But what's funny? It's funny. Crossfit. When I was before hearing all the guys, you know, oh, you're a legend. I was like, oh boy, these probably these people are probably fucking actors. They're not even really Australian. This is a fake accent.

But I'm telling you when you're huffing away doing the ropes or something and it comes up to you. It's like, I'll see you there. I appreciate your work ethic. And you're like, oh, all right, he sees me. I truly, a Jacked Australian yelling at me is exactly what I like. Oh, but it's all positive. That's right.

That's what I want. Yeah. It's like encouragement. I straight up downloaded the Chris Hemsworth workout training app for this exact reason and deleted it because it didn't have enough of it. I tell you, I always said I'd be embarrassed working out with a bunch of people next to me. Yeah.

It's way more embarrassing working out. It's me awkward working out either by yourself or like one-on-one with a trainer. Yeah. With someone, with a group of people you're looking around, you're saying, oh, I'm not doing it together. We're all doing it together. Yeah. It's fun.

I don't mind going to the gym and just like moving around and like lifting some weights, whatever. But like, I could never go to the gym by myself and do a high-intensity workout. Yeah. You never push yourself as doing it with me. And someone sort of being like, and now you're on to this. All right, switch. Yeah.

You have a big open room like a Pilates room or a yoga studio or something and you have like a mat and a kettlebell, that kind of thing. Yeah. And they have these, well, they've got some machines, like they have this, what is it called? But it's like, if you're doing cross-country skiing or something and you're just pushing your arms. Yeah.

So you're yanking these ropes down. It's like a rowing machine, but you're yanking ropes. Yeah. For ski time. They also have a rowing machine. That stuff makes me kind of sick, like if I haven't worked out in a while, do you ever feel like you're going to puke or pass out? I have to have an anacet before I do that exercise.

If I don't, it is crippling heartburn. Yeah. Like I tried to do CrossFit. I mean, I did do CrossFit, but like I remember the first few times, I'm like, I'm so light-headed at the end of it. I'm weak. The thing that messes me up light-headed-wise is the assault bike. Interesting.

That fan bike? Yeah. I love that thing. It's a beast. I gotta do this. I never thought it would be that hard. It's so hard. It does not look hard.

I like to be drenched in sweat when I'm done working out. She gets you toasty. That's what I want. I tell you what. That's what I fucking need. Well, next time I come to LA, will you do it with me? Yeah, sure. Yeah.

And I want to take you to this place that's in Studio City because you literally walk down a street of CrossFit, BodySculpt, this thing. It is like LA row, mind and body row. Do you feel better after it? Do you feel different now? I feel like who am I? What am I doing? I come from the country town in Canada, but yeah, no, I do feel good.

I feel good. I like the results. I'm not here to bulk up. I just want to be a little tight little twink and I want to look in the mirror and go like, yeah, are you already at that point where you're seeing results? I mean, I'm not a different person, but yeah, it's, you know, because like a skinny guy can get. You got some abs.

Well, skinny, you can get skinny fat, which is like slim, except for like here and here, like a couple of different spots and you just look, it looks bizarre. Looks like you made a character in a video game and more like you fuck with the sliders a little bit. I want better proportions. I don't need to be bigger necessarily, but I'd like my gut to be applied to my calves. Yeah, and I'd like my, you want thick calves. I would do one careful though, because then you can't, you know, you got to stay away

from tapered jeans. You got to get like straight, like fucking go for it and just like, yeah. I'm good at a hammer loop on that thing. I love to need fucking carpenter jeans. Can you imagine seeing my calves in carpenter jeans? No, probably not. I don't know why. I'd also like my love here.

What are you looking at on your laptop? I'm on the gap right now. You want me to order you to carpenter jeans? Are you at 34? You need a hammer loop. Buddy, I'll tell you what, you need a hammer loop. OK, that's good. It's good advice.

I hope so. Find a gym that forces you to exercise harder than you can ever exercise yourself. I think maybe that sounds dumb, but I feel like it did help. I do think I think it's really hard to motivate to go to the gym by yourself. And even if you do go to the gym by yourself, it's hard to like get a fucking really good workout. Yeah, yeah, because if it's just yourself, I'm like, all right, this is kind of hard. I'm kind of done.

But if somebody's yelling at you, you're like, oh, I feel bad stopping. I mean, you even working out with a buddy. You started working out with Billy and you go to the gym for longer. You do more sets because you're a little more accountable working in front of people. Yeah. Can I just add? No one's yelling. I don't want to go to a place where they're yelling.

It's even encouragement. It's positive encouragement. Yeah, I'm not talking about negative yelling right now. And they're doing some of them are doing dad jokes. Like it's real fun. It's silly. I think we have a great time. It's the hottest thing you could be too.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I wish I could be off like an Australian man. You know, you can if you go to Australia, then you're like the hot foreigner there. No, I will be. You're the American. I was like, ooh, I really like that American accent. Most of the time, when I was backpacking and living there way back when, yeah, for like four months, I mean, just probably about some of the time you guys go on tour,

you know, whatever. And I don't know if you go on tour for four months. I was on tour for two weeks in Australia and it fucking changed my life. I wanted to live there. A lot of Aussies I met were like real kind of like, I don't know, we'll kind of crass. Oh, yeah, fit income. Like, OK, Jesus, take it down.

But I always thought like the sexiest version of Australian is like it would be like like stiff, the Aussie version of Stifler's mom, like an older woman who's like, oh, how you going, Jake? Oh, yeah, you're the, you're, you're the son, you're her son's friend or whatever. Like, oh, yeah, Amir's upstairs. Why don't you just come downstairs here with me in the rumpest room? It's so weird. What's the rumpest room?

It's just, it's like a rec room, I think you guys have. And why did you, you playing rugby with my son? Why don't you take your shoot off? I can see Tom and I know it's Tom and like, you talk, I'm like, I'm like half hard right now. You're fully hard. I can see it coming out of the room. That like turned me on a tiny bit.

I was looking at you. And she's a little like, and she's got a nice, you know, Aussie white wine. Oh yeah. She's maybe a shard. I don't know what they grow out there. I don't know either, man. I'm starting to sweat, man. You're freaking me out.

You're turning us on too much, man. I don't know what the wine is. Don't just get at the wine. God, I would, I would enjoy that, that reaction to just someone who's listening to his podcast, like walking their dogs, being like super confused, picking up shit, being like, man, I don't know what to think right now. Don't subscribe to this, but I'm holding a bag of shit. That buttery charred sounds pretty hot, actually.

They're drinking it in a rumpest room. You have got a movie on. Why don't you sit down next to me and have a watch? I don't know. No, I might have been telling it. Where's her husband? Oh, he's hardly here. Don't worry about him.

I don't know. Oh, you're funny. Amir's improv class. Not really. I'm barely funny. I think you're hilarious. Really? Yeah.

She's eating a cheeseburger. It was a McDonald's commercial. The whole time. No. All right. It's your sand. We were talking, we're answering a question from a 25 year old female in New York.

Why don't we shift gears to a 26 year old female living in Indiana? Erie, Indiana. That's right. Oh, for a while. I don't know why, but yeah, sure. What? You need a name? No.

OK. Lisa. Lisa Duprein. Lisa Duprein, right? Hello. No, wait. Lisa Duprein, Lisa Duprein. Lisa Duprein, all right.

Lisa Duprein, a living here in the Erie, Indiana. What a funny accent you have. Actually, it says I'm originally from NY. Shout out to the Roundhouse in Beacon, which I'm pretty sure is where Jake got married. That's true. It is the wedding spot in Beacon, but check out draft industries for insane beers and whiskies if you're ever back in Beacon.

I did, actually. I appreciate that. Anyway, my brother's girl. Congrats on the gray sweater you're wearing, Drake. Oh my God. How did she notice? Where is Lisa Duprein? Duprein.

My brother's girlfriend broke up with him last week, ending their eight-year relationship. It wasn't a horrible fight. It was just like, this isn't working out anymore. Here's my beef, though. The last few years, my mom's side of the family has started doing Secret Santa. There are about 15 of us who participate and we draw names the following year on Christmas Day when we're all together.

A lot of the cousins who are close to my age have significant others who celebrate Christmas with us and thus participate in Secret Santa. Since we already drew our names, someone in my family just won't be getting a gift, I guess. Also, what about the person who has her throw her gift in the trash? Give it to me. I don't know. I'm sure some people have already bought gifts, so we can't redraw names.

My brother and his girlfriend have only been broken up a few days. When is it appropriate to bring up this issue? And what do you think we should do about it? Help. Love. Lisa. I'm surprised at the wholesome nature of this, of this quandary here. What are they going to do about Secret Santa?

How is one person not going to get a gift? What's the math on that? Because she pulled her name. She pulled her own name? No, last year, this late girlfriend, we'll never know who she had for Secret Santa. We'll know afterwards when there's 14 gifts and 15 people. I can understand being a little stressed about it, because even if they get over it, if the brother is okay by the time Christmas rolls around, this will inevitably come up.

It'll be a sad moment when it's like, oh, I didn't get a gift. Well, also, because Carol's not here. And then whoever's not here is too, yeah, yeah, yeah. Although, isn't there like, won't it work out where like, some person gave a gift to her and she's not there and then some person was supposed to get a gift from her? So that gift can just go to her. But what if like, generic enough, but if it's like, what if it's specific? Yeah, what if it's a My Little Pony?

Right, what if it's something that Carol loved, like a My Little Pony? And then it's applied to Uncle Carl? Usually gifts, because he doesn't get a gift. The majority of gifts can just be thrown away with him. What do I want with this fucking thing? Oh, shit. What do I want under the girl's toy? Sorry, Tony.

I wanted the new tackle box. I said it, I put it on the chalkboard. You got Betty a new tackle box. You could take her. I would love that, but you can't give yourself a gift. That's also in the rules. What the fuck do I want with this pony? I hate this family.

I fucking hate you all. Her brother starts crying. Shut up, pussy boy. Pussy boy. You little pussy boy. I guess my initial question, and she can't answer this because she's not here, unless we get her on the line. Probably not.

But is there a lot of secret Santas are like limited in price? Like they're silly gifts, but maybe this is how this family gives gifts. So if it's like a $20 an under, like easy on the stress, don't let it ruin your life. But if it's like, no, this is our, these are main gifts. We go all out on this, like Keith got a Sega Genesis last year. Right. I guess if it's that big, but if it's 15 people and there's like cousins and significant others, like I wouldn't ever invite like a significant other to a secret Santa where like it's a $200.

Eight years, though, they've been together eight years. And what if they said we don't believe in marriage? You're like, why aren't you married? They're like, we're not going to fucking get married. Quiet, Uncle Carl. You guys won't tie the knot. I found in Vietnam and you guys aren't going to make this shit legal under the eyes of God.

You're both pussy boys. You're both pussy boys. And I'm sorry, I know you're a woman, but you're also a pussy boy. What about just, I think that what she should do is buy a $25 Starbucks gift card or any other equivalent corporation. And then that person gets the generic gift card. But it's, I mean, no, it's not perfect when it's like someone. Oh, shit. Someone doesn't have that gift.

She could just jump in and be like, actually, Santa got you something and it's a little gift card. Now I got, oh, great. Now I got to go out and buy myself a gift. Uncle Carl. This is bullshit. None of your business. Somebody else got the gift card.

I just bought out. It's a chore, you know, it's a chore. She likes it. You're giving her work. Sweetie, sweetie, baby, do you like it? I love, do you like it? I find. You go to Starbucks.

Yes. You don't go to intelligentsia. You don't get real fucking coffee. I didn't know so much about the coffee in my life. Starbucks is a hipster, Uncle Carl. Still Starbucks is bullshit. They burn it. It's trashed.

So much better coffee out there. What's your favorite drink, intelligentsia? Well, I go and I subscribe to Beanbox. Is this so sponsored by Jesus Christ? Are you sponsored, Uncle Tony? You have a fucking coupon code. It's more like a wine clip for coffee beans. Anyway, what's your alternative milk of choice, Uncle Tony?

Well, I like the taste of almond, but oat is more responsible. God, you're a hip. Fuck. What a fucking cool 91-year-old. 91s. You fought in Vietnam when you were 40? Yeah, that was an old-time rap. I had to get in there.

I was passing through Trutonage. I just wanted to fuck some shit up. Some Charlies. You do Secret Santa with your family? Yeah, I do. So? Is it small gifts or big gifts? It's, I think it's like we do $25 to $50, pretty small.

It was a nice though. Like, you can get thought, you can get, well, you can get thoughtful for no dollars. Let me just add, but you can, you know, you can do something nice. Yeah, our significant others involved. Yeah, significant others are involved. If that, yeah, I don't know. It's always, it's kind of dependent.

Yeah, when is the cutoff? It's like, when do you take a version of the family photo without them? Sorry, significant others have not been involved. Oh, really? Whoa, whoa. It's just the immediate. It's just kids. What about wives and husbands?

Wives have not been involved in the past. Wow. Sometimes Jill will get something little for like my sisters and my brother. That's in traffic. And they all get something for her. But like for. Is this for Chanukah? This is for Christmas.

But the her wishes celebrate Christmas and Chanukah. The Protestant side of the family. Pick a lane, pal. I didn't fight for fucking this shit. Christmas, Christmas. Thank you, thank you, thank you. A thousand times Christmas. Yeah, it's a superior holiday.

Isn't that right Amir? Yeah, I mean, I grew up celebrating Chanukah most of the time. Now that we can finally say it, Merry Christmas, Jake. The war on Christmas is over, like the war on Vietnam is over. Took the same fucking time. Took one great leader to fucking establish it. And you love intelligence. Yeah, yeah, what a fucking enigma you are, Uncle Tom.

You can't. Coffee box and vote for Trump. Yeah, I'm straight. He probably drinks nice cop's coffee to you. All right, let's get to one last question before we have to get it. Did we solve this first thing out of here? I don't think we did really. I think, yeah, you said get an anonymous generic gift.

An anonymous generic gift. And the other thing I would say is just be there for your brother right now. Like, that's, you don't have to worry about it. But he said it wasn't a big fight. They're like, they're cool with it. But it said there was no reason. But the brother, did it say the brother is fine with it? I mean, after an eight year relationship,

how fine can you possibly be? Here's a gift. It's less has been on the decline for like three years and nobody has the energy to break up. You could buy him. You could buy your brother. She could buy her brother like a like a foreign bride or something like that to be like here like fill your heart with this.

She's from that's a solid. She's beautiful right that she's scared. She doesn't know English. She was abducted and brought here and she's really upset. But like you're a nice person. Yeah, a woman, yes. Croatia. No, I'm not going to support the Russian economy.

There are fucking enemies in here. They're trying to take over Ukraine right now. So what do I care about any of that shit? Whoa. You're a traitor. Uncle Tony has it out for me. I think it's because I'm Jewish or some shit. I don't know.

I'm tying me this whole night. Something about you. I don't know. Yeah, I think you do know. Yeah, I got in a couple ideas. I bet you do. One last question about baby moons. What?

Have you guys ever heard of a baby moon? Oh yeah. I don't know. Well, this guy explains it in the question. Why don't you read this question, Thomas, since you're so good at reading. And I've been reading this whole time. Yeah, that's kind of, that's fucked up.

Yeah, this is from a dude, an American dude. But if you want to give him a funny name. You give me the name and that way I'll be the... Right, okay. God, I don't want to go back to something you've already done before. I won't remember it. But then it's fun.

I don't know, I won't remember it and I'll be embarrassed. So this guy's name is Raya and he's from Denmark. Okay. You're shape-shifting. Have you ever heard of a baby moon? I didn't tell my wife and I started trying for a baby. She says it's some big trip like a honeymoon you take while you're pregnant.

Who came up with this shit? Fuck if I know. Well, my wife is pregnant now and keeps mentioning exotic places we should go for a baby moon. Problem is we're just coming up on an anniversary trip we're taking and just built a house about six months ago. So we spent quite a bit of money.

This is just a bastardization of anything Scandinavian, I guess. I know we're going to spend even more money over the next nine months preparing for the baby. So it's probably not the best idea to take this big trip. Plus the baby moon would use up my very limited PTO. I'd be using to get some time off when the baby is born. Pay time off, yeah. So she's not from Denmark?

Yeah, they'd give him a year. I've mentioned it to her when the topic comes up but she keeps talking about it like it's going to happen. We probably can, no, we can probably afford it but I just don't think it's smart. Do I risk letting our kid live in poverty for the rest of their life or do I think of a way to squash my wife's dreams?

How do I seize the cheese in this situation, please? P.S., I've only listened to the first 40 episodes so far so I don't know if you've already covered this. Toda, Raya. Very nice. Thank you, Raya. Thank you, Thomas. Baby moon, you've heard of it before.

Yes. Well, now I understand what it is. Yeah. I guess you could do a moon for anything. I like the idea of a baby moon. I mean, your life's about to change forever. You're not going to have like solo dolo time with your significant of.

Yeah, your sigo. It seems nice. It seems like a real treat. But can you do a staycation, baby moon? Oh, staycations, boo boo, I say. Yeah, well, like a local. I was going to suggest. All right, yeah, please.

Let me piggyback this because I think this is good. Just something like do you have to fly from fucking Denmark to Hawaii? No, no. Scandinavia is a glorious place. Oh, yeah. You know, there's lots of great places. You can drive the coast, man.

Do a little something, something that's maybe a little bit more on the budget. She needs a little room springer before the little baby happens. And I think you do too. You're going to want it. So not a quite a staycation, but a local-ish place. And she's pregnant, so it can't be like, you know,

acid and MDMA and fucking whatever else. Don't get on a flight, but like a nice Airbnb by a good bottle of wine. And drink it in front of her. You can have a glass of wine with a baby. This is so fucking good. You can have a glass of wine. Your dad's an OBGYN, call him up.

Yeah, and he's strongly, strongly against any alcohol that baby is in vitro or vitro. He gets trash during his delivery. My dad gets trash, but he doesn't suggest the lady does. No, I do hear that a glass of wine is indeed OK. Yeah, and also, well, I guess you can't have, you shouldn't have like shellfish, like raw seafood or something, because of the mercury or, I don't know.

Yeah, there's lots of rules. There's probably all these rules in the books. They're in the books, you see. Yeah, Google the books. Google the books. After you Google the books, yeah, just do try to make a compromise of some kind. I think there's, you go, hey, I'm just concerned

about the old finances, the pennies of the bank. The books. The books. I don't want to cook these books. I want to make sure the books are nice and tight. And it starts in the right place. It's not like he's like, I want to do a weekend with my boys. Yeah.

Or like, I want to spend money on a campsite. Yeah, he says, I want to spend a weekend with my boys. Don't bleed your dry. What? Don't bleed your. The campsites. Yeah. Yeah, I guess the campsites will do that.

Yeah, he's saying. Not if you're owning one. Oh, what? In the fucking. To chain, to chain, to chain. I own a series of campsites. What? Yeah.

You're dropping this ball on us now. When I first started making money in Hollywood, I was like, OK, well, easy. I know what I'm going to do to invest it. OK. I own seven different campsites. What are they? I employ over 200 women.

What are they? OK. And they're all live. What's the main one called? Your campsite. Well, Edie Macaroni live. Yeah. Dot com.

Dot com. How many women does that one employ? 22 women. Oh my god. Is that just the name or are they actually doing that? The Macaroni. Yeah, they're doing it. Some do it with ketchup.

Some do it natch. Some put broccoli in it. That's nasty. Yeah, I know. Oh, it's not sexual. It's just like eating. Yeah. So it's like I can eat across the table for somebody.

We're rivaling YouTube. Wait a minute. That's our biggest competitor. Macaroni videos. What? YouTube, a multi-billion-dollar corporation owned by Google is what Eat Macaroni Live is competing against. Yeah, man.

It's a tough biz. But we're doing great. There's lots of those videos on YouTube, too. I know, but you don't pay for them. Yes. That's the difference. Right. That's good on YouTube.

That's the difference. You got to pay for the quality. Not really. Pay for the ketchup. Stay for the macaroni. All right, that's it. That's our time. Thomas, do you have anything to promote before we go?

I saw you on various talk shows. So I know you have something to promote. Well, sir, depending on this is coming out really civilly soon. We'll call this a Monday release. Monday, November 18th. Well, then you tune yourselves in every Sunday until it's done to a little twinkle-toe show called Silicon Valley. We're in the last season.

I want to say the first or second time you did our show was right before Silicon Valley came out. Oh, I was like, oh, excited. That's right. It was the billboard. Yeah, we saw the billboard. I can't remember if we saw the billboard or if Tom had a photo of the billboard that they were going to release. It was so, I mean, that's so exciting when you first,

that was the first time that it ever happened to me. Right. And you're like, oh, my God, I made it. And now you're five years deep into it. Oh, seven it's taken. Seven years to shoot six seasons. So this will be the sixth and final season. Six and final season.

I genuinely do think it's our best work and the show really sticks to landing. Wow. Like in terms of season finale, I'm sure there's going to be. Yeah, series finales. Yeah, yeah. I'm sure there's going to be some people going boop boop boop boop. Right. But I really, it's great.

Wow. It's fun. Do you remember reading the last episode and you're like, wow. Yeah, like satisfying. Like I had a good meal. I got all teary. Oh, man. Yeah, it was real.

It's been, it's been a real joy. Sweet. So that's Sundays on HBO. Sundays on HBO. Watch that. Sweet. Opening theme song was written by, oh, is the Pina Colada. I don't know if I ever said who wrote it.

We just sort of skipped overhead. That makes sense. John Mars wrote that and he has an Instagram where he posts little tunes and ditties of the like at John Mars Z tunes. Mars with a Z at the end. And this closing theme song is a singer songwriter from London. Wants to give a shout out to his siblings, James, Sophie and Johnny and best mate, Will, his SoundCloud is SoundCloud.com

slash Andrew Lavis. Andrew hyphen L-A-V-I-S. So thanks, Andrew. Thanks to John Mars. Thanks to Thomas for stopping by. Oh, yeah. If you have any questions or theme songs of your own, send them down to ifirishow at gmail.com.

We'll be back next week. Bye, everybody. Later. Bye. You'll come with walls, trust these two bros, because you'll leave without a care. If I were you. If I were you.

If I were you. If I were you.