If I Were You - 41: Aunt

Episode Date: November 28, 2013

In this episode we discuss embarrassing relatives, emotional cheating, and teenage love.This episode is brought to you by HuluPlus.com -- http://bit.ly/1aJaQzw. Check 'em out for two free weeks of movies/ television shows/ and original content!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

You got a problem and you need advice that's hashtaggedo Well I might know these Jews that have their own podcast show If I were you, show it gmail.com Wicked sense of humor can't believe what they say They'll ramble off for 20 minutes then they'll be on their way And no you won't, it wasn't answered but they don't go for that Yeah, they're aiding through the roof and they don't ride back Singing whoa, whoa, whoa

If I were you, you'll never let me go Why don't you let me go? If I were you, you'll never let me know Why don't you let me know? You, sir, are better than Mr. Rob Thomas himself I know it's hard to compare songs to people That being said, this song Rob Thomas is a good man that said this is better than him as a man

I'd rather hang out and meet this song than Rob Thomas And I'm not saying Matchbox 20, I'm saying Rob Thomas I'm putting Mr. Thomas himself on blast Are you really? I'm actually going to put Rob Thomas himself on blast Right now, right here, on a Monday It's a Thursday It's a Thursday

Thursday blast Well, we're recording it on a Monday, Thursday blast Happy Thanksgiving, Mr. Thomas, this is Thursday blast Happy Thanksgiving, happy Thanksgiving, you guys Yeah, I know what I think about it, it's a holiday We could have taken this off if we didn't have an ad Yeah, what would Mr. Hulu J plus think If we just didn't do it because of Thanksgiving

He wouldn't even notice Yeah, he'd be too busy eating turkey Too busy eating turkey Who wrote this song? Who sent it to us? Rob Thomas himself did not John Galantis John Galantis Great name, great guy, great song

Great holiday, Thanksgiving I'm thankful it's Thanksgiving What are you thankful for? I'm thankful to have the day off And I'm thankful to eat turkey With my friends and family and people I love Actually, by the time you read this, I will have killed myself Read this

Who's reading the podcast? Isn't there a transcript? Never mind why you're killing yourself Yeah, aren't you worried about the broadcast? Why do you think we can read it? Sir, you're just talking to my dangling feet No, you're graphic of yourself No, I'm not actually going to kill myself

Don't worry Damn it But yeah, I totally forgot that this is going to be on Thanksgiving Yeah, not me I hope... I'm thoughtful I hope more than anything else people still listen to the show I hope they do too

I'd be so sad if they did it I'd be depressed I would be so sad and lonely If we started to bail and lose our relationship It would ruin my holiday I'd be surrounded by my friends, family, and loved ones And I would just be checking the SoundCloud stats I hope it's broken

Yeah, if we don't hit 10,000 by noon Eastern I feel like there's a significant drop off Since you've never uttered more truth I swear to God, this is the most honest you've ever been It's true Hey, welcome to If I Were You, the only advice podcast On the internet, hosted by us, I'm Amir And I'm Jake

And actually, I must admit that I do host another advice podcast So your little intro, bud It's done Well, it's the only one hosted by us, me and you So you can host an advice podcast Wow, you really foolproof that one It's bombproof I made it so specific that it can't be untrue

Damn New podcast, new recording location Now the old bedroom of my older brother Downstairs in my parents' house Down in Yair's room Thanks, Yair, we appreciate it My parents are asleep, I'm having flashbacks Of when I was 13, making videos with my friends

While my parents were asleep I can just imagine any minute now my dad yelling For me to stop, for me to turn it down The only difference is now I'm a 30-year-old adult Getting yelled at by my daddy So I think I can finally take him Just kidding, Jerome is more than in shape He is cut, built, and stronger than I

This is also, this, your older brother's room Is the room that I'm sleeping in With the, we're lying on my pull-out couch right now We're, I live in the lap of luxury I'm homeless and scared I don't know where I am going to lay my head next Our parents had children at our age And we are sleeping over at my parents' house

Getting fed by them recording a radio show Yeah, I'm nervous that your dad's going to yell at me At this rate, I believe my children will be 40 years old Playing with blocks in my house And their children will be 65-year-old Getting fed with bibs by their parents And then in four generations 80-year-olds will be completely codependent baby men

That are unable to procreate And eventually within four generations Our civilization will, as we know it, be over I wanted to be a part of that, okay, that bit But you made it about math And how is that fair for me? How is that fair for Opa? Opa was trying to live a math-style life just then

I was just adding 20 years for every regression Yeah, but like 20 years per generation There's like fourth generation It's like, let's just, ugh Let's get to stuff that we can all understand Which is what the show's about Basically, people, you know, life is hard Simply put, life is difficult

You're often faced with choices, decisions That are, you know, hard to make You can go one of many, many ways And sometimes you don't know which way to go So you ask loved ones, or you can email a podcast Two hosts will go through the emails And choose four questions and answer them Into a microphone recorded, uploaded

For other people to download and listen to That's just sometimes how long it goes As long as your dad doesn't wake up and yell at us to be quiet In which case we'll have to cancel the whole entire podcast This is the only podcast on the internet That hopes it doesn't wake my daddy up With its recording That email address, if you want to email us

Your problems is, if I were you, show at gmail.com If I were you, show At gmail.com We're also accepting theme song submissions That first one was by John Galantis But the next one could be from you That's right, you Todd Murray

Todd Murray I really hope there's a Todd Murray listening Who just crumpled up all the paper up He's like, forget it, I'll never write a theme song That wasn't specific enough Because they didn't mention my middle name They're not talking about me Subbing some down on yourself

Thomas James Murray My middle name's Robert They weren't talking about me I knew it Happy Thanksgiving, mama Mama, papa Oh, you know what? It's also the first name of Hanukkah It's thanksgiving

No, no, no Chag Sameach Chag Sameach Chag Sameach to the Jewish listeners Who are celebrating Shalom Alechem, that was the word I was trying to say What's up Peace to you

Shalom Alechem Shalom Alechem Chag Sameach To our more proud, smart, happy, chosen listeners I feel like they really deserve More than the non-Jewish listeners do And I apologize going forward That you guys are going to be getting the same wrap

What? Now I have to be anti-Semitic to even it out Anyway, whatever you're celebrating today I hope you're eating delicious food Even if you're celebrating yourself Thomas Murray I said Todd Of course

Alright, let's get started This is getting silly We're going to be reading these real emails Giving them fake names to preserve their Anonymity Yay So we'll call this first one from Ariel Ariel

Ariel writes I recently discovered a new band And decided to buy tickets to their concert I asked my friends to come too And they happily agreed However, I mistakenly also told my aunt About the band And now she wants to come to the concert too

I'm not embarrassed by her I just think that she will feel out of place How should I nicely avoid this from happening? Thanks for your advice Love, Ariel That is something you'd want to avoid Yeah Your aunt

Going to a concert It's a new band I'm into All my friends and my aunt Oh, guys Guys, guys, guys, guys Alright, the lead singer is super cute Dibs Oh, there's my aunt

She's 48 And she showed up drunk Alright Why is your aunt here? Why is this happening? Where is your aunt? Oh, my God, your aunt's getting on somebody's shoulders She's exposing her tits

Holy shit To the guitarist Your uncle's here too He's rolling more than face Your uncle showed up He's sucking on a pacifier He bought a gram of Molly from that guy in the corner He's been candy dipping

Oh, wait, that guy's your great uncle I swear to God, your parents are here There's 69ing in the mosh pit This isn't even appropriate behavior for somebody that's 21 like us Let alone not related to you It is such a funny specific relative, an aunt My mom's sister wants to come Yeah, your mom's sister wanted in on the concert

It is also weird because you can't exactly refuse her If she buys a ticket to the concert, she will come Yeah, because it's not like your mom Your mom, you can be like, um, mom, I don't want you to go But if it's your aunt, it's like, you don't have the same It really is just like a half I wonder if you could say something to your aunt Or say something to your mom

A aunt is like a half mom It's like, you feel somewhat comfortable around her But not like 100% enough to yell at her If my aunt Susie was like, I want to come to a concert with you I'd be like, I'd be pumped actually Susie's cool It doesn't work, it doesn't work for me Because you love your mom and you love your aunt

Yeah, my mom's super cool, my aunt's super cool I love if they went to a concert with me I love you mom, I love you on Susie Is there an aunt that you're not as fond of? Um Which aunt do you not, are you not fond of? I love all my aunts I love all my aunts

I love all my aunts On Amy, on Lisa, on Susie Y'all are the best Yay They gave me a Hanukkah gift They gave me gifts and presents On Nancy, on Lisa, on Susie On Brancer, on Brancer, on Vixen

Y'all are the best on Pat You're the best, I love you You give me presents and I want to bring you to concerts How dare you beat your age I'm 28 and I love my mom And I love her because she gives me presents And gives me things that works for me And deals with my problems

I know this is very off base But I really laughed the other day When you explained to me how your mom used to threaten you Which was when you were a child she would She would say If I was being really bad She would say You're gonna, Jake, we're gonna send you

It was like We're gonna send you away to summer camp And everybody else Every other kid in my school was like Yeah, we love going away to summer camp It's great And my mom would say, we're going to summer camp And I'd just be like, no

No, I love you Please Please don't do this Why are you tearing us apart, mom? I love you so much You can't just send me away so flippantly It's funny that you were like a rambunctious team That just unequivocally loved his mom

I don't want to be apart from you, mommy All right, Jake, you stole vodka from me and dad's liquor cabinet You're grounded Like, mom, I love you I'm so sorry, you're the fucking best I can't believe I let you down I stole the liquor from dad, not you You have to understand

You were collateral damage And I don't know what happened You were collateral damage, mom Don't take me away from you Don't send me away So How does this girl disinvite her aunt? Yeah, I wonder if you can say something to your mom or your dad

I don't know who sister it is But just be like, hey, my aunt is coming Or our aunt, your sister wants to come to this concert And I think it's going to be weird And then you can deal with it delicately Yeah, but maybe it'll be like How sad would it be if it worked Where it's like, oh, I talked to your mom

And she made it clear that you didn't want me to come You know, this actually happened to me Straight up with my uncle One of my uncles loves live music He always loves hanging out And when I was younger, I was like, oh, man It's going to be so weird if uncle John's at the concert What do I do?

But he's just a dude who likes music And who cares? It's fine, it's not like he expects... Your aunt isn't necessarily coming to get drunk with your friends And insert her yourself into your friend group Maybe she just heard the band and thought they were great And she grew up listening to live music And she wants to go see a concert

Yeah, concerts are kind of not intimate So I wouldn't really care It's not like it's a party Or someplace where they would have to talk Or hang out with each other It's just like, once you get there, it's a free for all Your aunt can do whatever the hell she wants Remember that concert we had a few weeks ago?

We got there, I didn't see you for two straight hours What? Big Frida Oh, yeah I actually passed out in the bathroom Yeah We saw you on stage completely Everyone thought you were dead

And we sort of, everyone was like trying to laser point at your dick and laughed It was amazing I'd never seen that many people working unison to embarrass a lifeless dummy before I guess you had individually wronged every single person at Brooklyn Bowl that night They carried you around like King Koopa at the end of Mario 2 Shoulder to shoulder until you eventually were kicked out of the club Everyone applauded louder than I've ever heard anybody be applauded before Because that's when you came too, because you walked back in and everyone tried to kill you

To get finished the deed They booed so loudly, the walls started rumbling Frida himself had to beg and plead Frida herself Whatever There you go, she's a transvestite She identifies as a woman I don't care what she identifies as

I care what I identify her as So a girl Yeah So it works out in this case Thankfully So I would say if I were you I wouldn't think it would be worth it The pros of disinviting her do not outweigh the cons of feeling guilty

Right So take her to the concert It'll be a little weird, but it's gonna be so crowded there We don't even have to take her to the concert She'd be like, yeah, I'm going with my friends I'm glad that you have a ticket I'm glad that you like the music We'll see you there

Yeah There's, I don't think she's not, I mean, it doesn't sound like her It's like, all right, we're carpooling All right girls I talked to my guy Raul And he got the, he got us some blow But we can't, we can't really like cut lines in my kitchen So we have to go to the concert

And just take individual bumps in the bathroom, okay? Jesus You're gonna be the best aunt ever Or the worst Cause I'm haunted Dead or alive No You know you can't keep that in the episode, right?

You're gonna edit that out, huh? I aunt to Edit it out Oh God Next Please, next question For the love of Gont All right, that one got me

All right Question Love of Gont You actually are looking a little gont now a day Me? Actually, no, I'm gain, if anything, I'm gained weight Yeah I'd like to weigh you on my parents' scale upstairs Okay

Oh God Absolutely, actually I just mucused everywhere We are dead, we're done We are at our wits aunt How'd I go from hating it to loving it? It was like when we were making manamini jokes At Manamini, Minnesota

There's a town called Manamini No, Manamini Manam, Manamini? It was me, you and Streeter in a gas station Manamini In a town, small town in Minnesota called Manamini And so me and Streeter were checking out

Like buying stuff from the gas station And there was like this, you know, 20 year old lady Who works there And I'm like, what is this town called? And she said Manamini And I said, is it true that Mitt Romani is from Manamini? And then Streeter was like, you know, yeah Presidential nominee, Mitt Romani is from Manamini

And then I was like, whatever, like I heard he makes homini, yeah Mitt Romani the nominee makes Manamini the homini is whatever And she was stone faced, not laughing And I was like, and I apologize for you Yeah, and then you're like, sorry about them They're like being very immature

And then like two seconds later You made a hot, what did you say? I said, I was like, all right, thank you Oh, by the way, do you have any salami? Do you have any salamani? I really was just like, I was so fed up And then I was like, all right, if I Well, now I have one, I have to say it

It's too late I'm immature I'm still not at that age where I can't say I can't not say the funniest thing Regardless of how mean it is That's true That's why like when I was in college and stuff A lot of people just thought I was mean

Which I probably was, but like I didn't mean the things that I meant I just always said the funniest thing that I thought of And sometimes they'd be mean and sometimes they'd be nice And they wouldn't actually mean anything I think it's always just like, wouldn't it be funny if someone said this right now? Like in my mind, I'm always imagining somebody else like Oh man, it would crack me up if someone yelled this right now I mean you whisper that shit to each other all the time

Like someone says this, someone says this And sometimes we just actually We say it ourselves To make nobody laugh It's just like this Impulse that I can't suppress Literally just for us Selfish

We're selfish smalls We're gaunt Moving on Number two Yay! More on stuff Number two Um, oh another girl

We'll call this lady Ursula Ursula writes Real email Sent to you if I were your show at gmail.com Hey guys, so I started talking to this guy I met on an online dating site We would text all day, every day And it seemed like there was a real potential there Then he got busy with work

And our texting pretty much stopped completely I tried for two months to make plans to meet him But he would have an excuse every time Even though he would always tell me how much he wanted to hang out with me Finally, I got frustrated And told him I was deleting his number As to not keep making an ass out of myself And a few weeks later, I'm back on the online dating scene

And he swiped me right on Tinder And chose me on Quick Match on OK Cupid What's this guy's deal? What's this guy's deal? What's this guy's deal? Ursula, tell you what You're batshit crazy Really? I'm serious actually How did you refer that from this seemingly

Uh, uh, non-toxic email Let me tell you what, dude I am Sherlock Holmes of this type of shit You have a seventh sense Which is, uh, smelling out batshitness You can also see dead people And they are all batshit They're like, oh well I'm dead

I'm like, shut the fuck up You're so fucking ugly So, what this lady said That gave herself away was Numero one, after two months Of trying to hang out with him and failing That's a little crazy If you keep on trying for two straight months

That's just like, that's not Two times is the most, right? Like once is like, oh that's a bad sign And I will maybe fire that second one If I really, really, really like that person And then that's over Most of the time, no And then when that's over, it's like

I will never see this person again Never fucking ask more than twice Jesus Christ Also, she's like, so you know what So finally I was fed up And I told him I was gonna delete his number That's not being fed up That's your one crazy last ditch effort

Yeah Like, alright If you're not gonna hang out with me I'm gonna delete your number Wait, wait, no, no, no I wanna hang out with you You just bribed me into it Okay, yeah, here we go

What date and time Actually, I can't make it Oh, fine, alright I'm gonna delete your number No, no, no, don't Alright, what date and time Do you wanna hang out? Also, I think on OKCupid

Quick match But I know for a fact on Tinder You would not be able to know If he swiped you right Unless you did the exact same thing Right So that means after all of this She still chose him on Tinder

She still chose him on OKCupid So you're the crazy one I guess he's a fucking idiot too But there's no advice for either of you The advice... This guy's deal, this guy's deal Is that he's not interested Right, he's not interested

And it's that easy It's that easy If someone really wanted to hang out with you They would go out of their way To hang out with you If you're offering And he's still rejecting It's not gonna happen

Just stop Just stop Just stop Drop Shut him down Open up shop Aunt Oh

Aunt That's a rough rider's braunt I am sorry I was hard on you I'm sure you're a perfectly lovely lady I just think that you Came on too strong in this scenario Yep

I would advise in the future For you not to belabor A hangout session I would advise for you Not to hound someone for two months And then I would advise you Not to let them know You were deleting their number

If you were fed up And then after that I would advise you Not to choose them Yet again On the very online dating sites That brought you To this awful cycle to begin with

I think our friend Dan Once had a good Bit of relationship advice Is that when it's good It's easy So like when you're like Oh, what does this mean? This is cryptic

It's not around to hang out Sometimes he does Sometimes he doesn't And when it's going good And things are going good Then both people want to hang out And it's very easy Or at the very least fun

Like I understand if it's like If it's a challenge And it's a game It's like oh sometimes she doesn't Want to hang out Sometimes she does And it's like That's kind of fun

Like a cat and mouse game But right now this game is like You are clawing at a mouse hole Where the mouse is not peeking out You're playing tennis against a wall Not against another person And the wall that you're playing against Is like riddled with spikes

So every time like It just doesn't work Yeah The ball doesn't even bounce back It's not fun Make it fun Find someone that it's fun with Yeah

Find a tennis partner Bye Bye Next question Bye Stop Okay Bont

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp Thank you, BetterHelp If you're finding yourself In a difficult, anxious, stressful situation Talking to a professional licensed therapist Is the best way to navigate yourself Out of that difficult place And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist

Especially one in your area But BetterHelp makes that all easy Because it's online therapy Designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable To your schedule You just fill out a brief questionnaire And get matched with a licensed therapist And you can switch therapists at any time

For no additional charge It's incredibly helpful Therapy has helped Millions of people Over thousands of years So give therapy a try It can give you the tools To find a more balanced life

I've tried therapy It's been very helpful So you can find that balance Better with BetterHelp All you gotta do is go to betterhelp.com If I were you You do that today You can get 10% off your first month

So the prices are already affordable Because you're not paying rent For a building somewhere That you have to drive to And wait in a waiting room This is done entirely online But you're still getting professional licensed help And it's extra affordable

That's betterhelp.com If I were you Check them out Thanks BetterHelp To create a professional looking website So if you're building an online portfolio For yourself or a loved one Or you wanna sell stuff online

You can do an online store They have 24-7 live customer support Email campaigns Data You can even purchase a domain name Through Squarespace For example I didn't even look this up

But there's no way you can't buy Amir Blumenfeld Is a good dude.com I bet that's available And you can have it today And you can buy it through Squarespace And build an awesome website dedicated to me Or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life

Maybe you wanna give somebody a gift This season A summer birthday coming up Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that Is to go to squarespace.com Slash if I were you For a free trial

And when you're ready to launch Just use that offer code If I were you To save 10% Off your first purchase Of a website Or domain Again

Squarespace.com Slash if I were you Free trial Everything looks good Let's launch it Just use that offer code If I were you To save 10%

Off that first purchase Thank you, Squarespace Alright Let's go to a question from a dude this time Finally, it's about time Boys only rest of the podcast No more girls No more girls

That's a good chant Because this feels like a sleepover right now Jake and I are both wearing face masks With cucumber over our eyes Talking into these vibrators Oh my god We have to share a vibrator This is how we imagine

Every girl's sleepover is It all ends in two girls Penetrating the same dildo Alright Oh Jesus Christ From that very pornographic thought To this question Hey guys

My name's Prince Eric So my girlfriend Let's call her Hun Bun Is one fine piece of ass My problem She rushes away Right when we're done hanging out We're both 14

And we've been dating for over a month now And we haven't kissed But we hang out almost every day after school And almost every day on the weekends We get along really well But there's almost no physical contact Although I try quite a bit And she doesn't seem to mind

When I put her arm around her But when she leaves She says bye and rushes out Without a hug or anything Do you think she doesn't like me? What should I do? Thanks, Prince Eric Oh Eric

This is our youngest relationship question yet Yeah First of all I feel very uncomfortable With the fact that he called her A fine piece of ass That's I think in some way Your fault

I don't know how I think I'm a pedophile now Just for listening to that Just for reading Just for receiving that email We have to register as sex offenders That sucks I know

We have to go tell everybody In the neighborhood what happened God that sucks That sucks Hey I'm moving next door And I'm actually legally obligated To tell you

I mean this is insane I have a podcast I have a podcast That's where it starts I mean you want the long version of this short The short is that I'm a registered sex offender So yeah I'm a predator I guess And if you have children

Leave them in the yard Don't let them out I mean this is insane It was a 14 year old They wrote in All I did was read back What he said What he said

Your honor Your honor Is this really legal? I don't think she's a hot piece of ass Obviously not I don't think of her like that I trust her I looked at her

She was a goddamn nickel I mean the 14 year old kid Who sent the email in is a smoke show But I'm not I can't attest to the fact That he's with a smoke show This is insane Alright yeah that's it

Lock me up and throw away Okay there are the cuffs This is not Holy shit This is so weird I remember like 8th grade having a Did you have a girlfriend

When you were in 8th grade You know the answer to this I know But it was like a big thing Like we never It was just like At the end of the day We had to kiss each other

On the cheek Goodbye It was the hallway Before we all got on the bus Go up to her Say alright I'm gonna go Bye

And then we kiss each other On the cheek and hug And that was it That was having a girlfriend When I was 14 Well I remember in My earliest I never had a girlfriend

Ever But my earliest My friends Or like girlfriend situations I think it was in 5th grade Where like this trend started Where guys would ask girls out

And I didn't even know What that meant It was just like Yeah Did you hear Adam's now going out with Mindy And it's like

What does that mean He asked her out And she said yes So now they're dating And then at the end of recess They hug And like And like the teacher had to

Like call over like The cool kids Like hey Adam Jordan Mike Come over here So just so you know Like we know that you're Going out with girls

We just want to make sure You're doing it responsibly And I was just like What the hell is this Going out thing So crazy Like how do you Would you hug girls

At the end of recess Like that's what going out It's like dipping your toes in You like figure it out You're like as you get old Like he's dealing with You know I'm just trying to

Hug my girlfriend At the end of the day And then we're just Like oh how do we Now we're boyfriend And girlfriend And my mom Do you even have a date

Where like your mom drove you To the movies with these girls My very first girlfriend Was sixth grade And I think we like We would get pizza together And I would hold her hand And I would kiss her on the cheek

When she left With your greasy ass lips I mean I don't remember that But yeah Like I feel like When I was that young I didn't even have like Sexual urges

It had It was all like Social like Oh I want to go out With this girl Because she's popular And these are like My popular friends

Going out with these popular girls And it was just like Right We want to create this little family But it's funny that Like even by age 12 You basically know Who the cool dudes are

And yeah who you're attracted to Yeah Like the fact that I didn't Do that at age 12 Still sort of manifests itself Into how I act at age 30 Right And the fact that you did have

A girlfriend at age 12 Shows off how you act today still You're still trying to get The most popular girl And hang out with her Yeah It just means different things Except I would never take her

Not Can you imagine seeing her Eat Eating from someone Fuck It's disgusting I just wanted Let's try to earnestly give

This kid advice Should I make myself I mean So let's see what What was the actual question here He wants to know How he can make it So she's a little more

Like physical with him He just wants to hug her Before Well do you think she doesn't Like me is the question No I think of course She likes you That's why she's hanging out

With you so much Okay so she still likes you Right so what you need All the time Is this constant reassurance And I use this too Of like She is

Spending her time with you Time is valuable Even as a 14 year old She is Hanging out with you every day She's going over to your house On the weekends That means she's thinking about you

In a positive way She wants to be around you Do you have anything to add I thought you were still talking Oh no I mean I want to double team this Oh She wants to be around you

So you clearly disagree with me I don't know man I don't know what she wants This is poor kid dude He's our fan He's 14 years old You're checking Twitter right now That's not true

He needs help He wants help He wants How does he get his girlfriend To hug him When she leaves She says bye And rushes out

Without a hug or anything I think you just got to be confident And say Hey where you going Come back here and give me a hug That's such a weird advice to give I'm serious She's got to be like

Hey wait come here I forgot something And then she comes back She says what And then you give her a hug And then maybe she'll think That was a cute little move And then you guys will start hugging

Yeah I mean What sort of What kind of physical contact Should you get at age 14 Hugs Not kisses I mean I feel a little weird saying

Like leaning for the kiss I think Do whatever she's comfortable with When you're comfortable with And both of you feel safe And responsible doing Talk to your parents I will say

If you want to hug her If you want to hug her Before she leaves I say just broach the subject By saying Come here and give me a hug Or something Right should he go for the hug

Yeah I mean He could go for the hug Go for the hug The first one's going to be weird It always is But then after that It will become the norm Yeah and then later on

Going for other stuff Will become very Pressure packed and nerve wracking And that will never ever ever go away Yeah but then it's going to turn fun It's always fun Not at age 14 Or have you thought about

Just playing video games With your friends until you're 18 Don't do that You'll end up like blooms buddy You'll end up like me The worst person you can end up as Or you know what you should do You should find a slut of your chick

Oh Jesus Christ I don't like this I don't Find a slutty 14 year old You're telling him And actually I know a few My cousin My cousin used to babysit this

She's a dime if not a penny She's a dime in that she's 10 Jesus Christ please do That was good though Thank you Yes don't do anything That she's uncomfortable with That's my responsible parental take

And yet you're humping air right now You asshole That being said I am old enough To be this person's father Biologically So I have to side with his parents And say you know what If your girlfriend's not comfortable

You're too young to be dating If your girlfriend's not comfortable Too young If your girlfriend's not comfortable To hug you Then you shouldn't force her To do anything she's not comfortable I'll say force it

Don't say it like I said force it You're just saying not Alright that was good Jake I'm just going to give I wouldn't force the hug I wouldn't force her to do anything I didn't say that I said ask her for a hug

I mean you can make the move And if she doesn't reciprocate Of course don't force it I don't know I just I guess we come from two different places I would say don't force a kiss This is insane And Jake something else

Okay we're done This is absolutely incorrect Be safe and be happy And be courteous We're so nervous We're so nervous We're just getting back to us Please don't arrest me

This is us sitting in court The tape is being played back to us Okay but if you keep listening I will backpedal your honor This is insane Yes I did call a ten year old It's a joke advice podcast But with real, real ramifications

Mercy have mercy on us your judge Break time Break time Break time Break time Break time Break it I wanted to read that email

That we got which was a follow up To the advice that we gave Oh yeah Back in like episode 11 or 12 Let me find this email Alright so this is the email from It was the guy The answer where we gave

You gotta earn this booty You gotta earn this booty And this is the thing that they do on car talk Which I model everything that we do after As much as I can Right They will follow up with someone Who they've given advice to

And ask if they were correct Right so we This kid asked a girl out a couple times And she said no And he asked us should we Should he ask her out again Ask her out again And we basically said no

She already said no a bunch of times And then we got into this This bit about how Maybe a girl just keeps saying no Because she's telling the guy That he's gotta earn this booty But in fact that's not the case If somebody says no to you many a times

It's time to pack it up Right You don't wanna make her feel uncomfortable So he said he responded Or he emailed us in And gave us this follow up to our advice And he said hey guys I heard you guys were thinking about

Doing a where are they now episode You called me Gunther to preserve my anonymity And gave me some fake advice about dealing with a girl You told me that I was being a stalker And made it clear that I couldn't earn this booty Turns out you were correct But there's a silver lining to the story I cried in front of her

And less than a week later She sent me an apology text For the way she treated me Now it's awkward between us And I still can't get over her But at least I'm feeling better Do you know what silver lining means, Gunther? What is what?

That is so ridiculous There's a silver lining to the story I broke down in front of her I wept openly In front of the girl that I liked And not one, two, three, or four But five days later she finally reached out And said she was sorry

So yeah Oh and don't worry It's weird between us now I assure you to make matters better It's weird So just to recap They were big fat tears in front of the girl I liked a delayed apology text

And now lasting awkwardness So at least I have that going for her Why is this a silver lining? This guy really didn't understand silver lining's playbook This is how did it start? Turns out you were correct But there's a silver lining to the story This is so weird

Why are you feeling better? At least I'm feeling better Everything went as bad as it could You cried in front of her I guess it's nice to purge your feelings I'm really happy that it worked out At least in your eyes Yeah, at the very least you think you did a good job

I love Gunther, dude I think you're great, man I'm not trying to be a jerk I mean... Silver lining Where is it? Man, we have good news and bad news actually The bad news is I feel like you're going to die in the next week

But there is a silver lining to the story It's going to be painful and difficult Anyway, I'm Dr. Gunther And you can call me later At least I'm feeling better about things There is a silver... He must hate silver He must think silver is a terrible thing

Silver lining is a bad thing Yeah, the worst thing of all is that there's a silver lining Jesus He's more of a gold fan It's feeling like gold 24 karat gold Slick Rick gold So fresh

We really shouldn't sing songs that we don't know the lyrics to Yeah, that's a good call So if we gave you advice in the last 40 episodes Please let us know how we did If you followed it or not And we'll call it the follow-up pup We probably won't call it that Okay

I would just imagine that we wouldn't What'd you say? Or did you think follow-up pup Was like a good thing I thought it was good until you made fun of me And then I realized it was... I think they call it on cart talk, stump the chump Yeah

Oh, that's what you told me That's why we came up with follow-up pup Cause I was like Wait a minute, stump the chump does not make sense For what it is It's true, maybe it's not stump the chump though It is It absolutely is

Don't bother looking it up And tweeting at us or emailing us, please Thank you Once again, happy Thanksgiving Happy Hanukkah, absolutely Happy Thank you Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving Those are like two of the most gluttonous holidays For them to overlap like this Is like a once in a lifetime opportunity That's on point, that's on point It's gonna get greasy and full Yeah, Hanukkah is already the Thanksgiving of Judaism But for it to like happen during the Thanksgiving of America

I mean, there's not enough food There's not enough food in the world I don't eat a lot The weird thing about Thanksgiving is that I always eat a lot And so every meal feels like Thanksgiving to me Right, you always overeat I've never ever seen you just eat an appropriate amount of food

If anything during Thanksgiving I don't eat a lot As much as I usually do because I don't like turkey You don't like turkey? It's okay It's pretty much, I mean I wouldn't want to eat turkey Yeah, Indians, pilgrims, the turkey was definitely deep Okay, that was a good idea But

I would have preferred a sack of lamb Yeah, I don't feel about meatloaf though Still into corn, still into stuffing, mashed potatoes Yams, still cool, they're all good Yo, how about meatloaf instead of turkey, boss? Hey Hey That's what a turkey, that's the sound a turkey makes

Alright, should we get to the last question here? Yeah, why not? Alright, people got a feast to get through here So this one comes from someone we'll call Sebastian Sebastian writes Do you think this is a good idea? Do you think it's good to cheat on my girlfriend? This is a good idea

It's actually a terrible idea Because let me tell you what, number one, Tinder's not about sexting Nobody's sexting on Tinder, as far as I can tell I don't think that you are going to get into a sex relationship right off the bat Also, you're matched with mutual friends, like your friends They know that you have a girlfriend, it will get back to your girlfriend Alright And then your excuse of don't worry, I only wanted to sext them

Doesn't carry much weight Sext? Don't worry, I would just use it to talk dirty to girls You're such a scumbag dude Don't worry, I only wanted to emotionally cheat on you You know, the more damaging kind God, it's so foul You just want to tempt yourself, and you know

Oh, maybe I will meet someone who's prettier and funnier than my girlfriend And suddenly, uh oh, my relationship is weakening because of it This is sort of interesting though I feel like this is in line almost with the porn thing But it's like, is it cheating if I'm getting off to watching other people nude having sex Is that so different than me getting off to texting with somebody? Yes, because it involves somebody else Alright, fine, what if it's like a live cam girl who's like a paid stripper

But I'm like texting, or I'm chatting with her on one of those nude cam websites I think that's closer towards the emotional cheat of tindering but not quite there Because that cam girl, odds are she won't have a crush on you Oh, I see, so you're saying like, if there's like a chance of a reciprocal Yeah, if it's being reciprocated then suddenly it's like, oh, now I'm in a relationship that's not with you Right, that's not like, oh, this, my boyfriend's just going to like fap to some like nameless faceless asshole somewhere And then this is like, okay, you shared something, you like got off with somebody else It's the equivalent of like, if you go to a strip club, that's sort of cheating but not really

Because the girls are like, not interested I was trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, sir, you are a dirt bag You should not be in a relationship Also, it's not fair to the other girls on Tinder that like match with you, talk to you It's like, oh, don't worry, I'm only doing it to tease you Right, that's not fair Yeah, it's just bad all around, it's a bad, bad idea You are a bad man, you get coal on Christmas now

Although maybe Alright, let's zoom out a little bit Zoom out Maybe his relationship isn't going so well if he's considering doing this And maybe he should be on Tinder because he should be in a relationship with somebody else Well, that is the case, then he should not be in a relationship and then he should get on Tinder You can't do it the other way around, buddy So if you're really eager to tind, you should break up with your girlfriend

And if you can handle not tindering, then stick with your lady Right, you gotta, if you want to go on a Tinder bender Tinder bender You gotta, you gotta, you can't let this relationship linger, linger And if you want to binge on hinge Tinder bender, you gotta binge on hinge and Okay, Cupid What was it?

Okay, Cupid, I'm so gay, stupid Did we say that in a box already? Yeah, I think we said all this before Total It isn't, it's a Thanksgiving special So yeah, any other advice, any other advice for this guy? No, I would say get out of your relationship or at least don't download Tinder It's that easy

There you go Tinder is not for people who are in relationships Yeah It's barely for people who are not in relationships Somebody when we were on tour, somebody was like, you know, Tinder owes you money because like I am obsessed with it And I like, oh fuck Tinder Yo, pay me, man Why would they ask you?

You already You'll never talk about it again You will definitely talk about it again I can't wait until the next big Tinder thing comes out Oh man, it'll be soon How is your Tinder going? I'm swiping and sometimes matching and sometimes chatting but I have yet to meet up with someone It's tough, I'm very all over the place

It's hard to find me in the same city for two nights in a row Right, get a match in Chicago and then you're in fucking Philadelphia No, I'm going to get a match in Philadelphia I'm in Burlington, I just can't figure out where I'm going to be In fact, I keep moving I don't even feel like I'm with anyone anymore He's crying, you're with me, you're with me Come here, we're together, we're together always

My dad opens the door Jerome, I'm sorry Alright, let's end on that kind of creepy tone actually Yeah, absolutely, it was creepy Thanks again for listening to the show, spreading the word We appreciate it, we love you guys Truth And keep emailing us your problems

That email address again is ifireushow at gmail.com We're still accepting theme song submissions That first one was from a guy named John Galantis And this next one is from somebody named Toran T-O-R-I-N-O What did you send me about the cup song? We called that woman Sheldon Oh yeah, we called her Sheldon but it was not from Sheldon

No, it was actually She said, thanks so much for having my song play At the beginning of your video, the song was sung by Sophia And it was written by Sheldon So if we could plug Halifax Studios' YouTube channel There it is, so thank you Sophia and Sheldon for doing our last week Or on Monday's episode theme song So yeah, I'm glad we got to correct that

Once again, happy Thanksgiving Happy Hanukkah, happy holidays Thank you so much Alright, we love you Ciao, bye Ciao Ciao baby, ciao Italian Jerry Seinfeld

Ciao Bella I messed up and you don't know how to patch it up again Just write an email to if I were you, show And you'll find a friend Cause if I were you If I were you If I were you I'd pour my heart out that letter

And send it to those you saw Cause if I were you If I were you If I were you I'd send that email to shake in a mirror And they'd tell you what to do Cause if I were you Thanks y'all