If I Were You - 41: Lightning Round

Episode Date: August 12, 2024

In this episode we guess celebrity heights, french pastries, olympic events, Kendrick v. Drake, dog breeds, and how to make our faces red.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HITGUM original. won't last each effort to try and stop their career from going to shit Second Another podcast Second Each app different from the last Second It's the Swiss Army knife of shows Now let's meet your two pathetic hosts

Second Now let me two pathetic hoes Second Yeah, yeah. I know what you're thinking. Uh-huh. I got the wallpaper up. That's good, you got the sizers up? Did you get, did you glue the wall?

I did the primer. You did the primer. I did the sizer. You did the sizer. I did the glue and I did the do. Did You did the sizer. I did the glue and I did the dew. Did you do the glue on the wall or on the paper? Good question. Each strip was a different experiment.

First strip, we went straight to the wall. Paper was dry. That one was hard because you have to use a laser level to make sure that it's right aligned vertically, perfectly. Any left to right deviation will show in perpetuity as you align the next strip going to the left to right. And how do you shut the fuck up while I'm talking? Because you're not doing a good job.

There's a question related to wallpaper. And do you glue your mouth shut? No. Oh, it was, it wasn't related to wallpaper, sorry. I feel like you really wanna talk about it. I thought you were really trying to change the subject. You just wanna monologue about it? I have to like steamroll,

because like I'm so used to people changing the subject or being happy with that. Because all I talk about is wallpaper, and I guess I exhaust people for some reason. Because it's a lot and it's not that interesting. Like, you know how they say it's like watching paint dry. That sort of this kind of conversation. So you have the laser on one side.

That's the one you're trying to make level. But the actual walls of your house, they're not level. So you're not putting it, you can't put it completely flush on one side and have it be level. So you're not putting it. Correct. You can't put it completely flush on one side and have it be level. So you're actually. That's a good question. Yeah, you're trying to level it.

Yeah, that's actually addressed, yes. Okay. You level the right side of the strip. Imagine a strip, a vertical poster. You can't just shove it in the corner and say, okay, let me left align it with the corner because the corner isn't straight. Right, right, right, right. let me left align it with the corner because the corner isn't straight. Right, right, right, right.

So you right align it with a laser level or a plumb line that you draw so perfectly vertical that you start to, the wallpaper starts to curve onto the other wall from the corner. And then you use an X-Acto knife to slice along the edge of the corner. I see. Okay, so there's a little bit of overlap.

So you want it to come across. A little bit of overlap on the first wall and then a little bit of overlap on the ceiling, which yes, does make it hard. Because it's like gift wrapping a giant flat wall and the glue has the consistency of ketchup. A poster so floppy and wet and sticky, it won't stay on the wall.

Because the primer's not doing its job. So what was the most challenging part? The most challenging part was not yelling at Avital while she tried to align it while I was holding it as hard as I could. And she was getting snippy with me because she thought I wasn't doing my job. I was doing my job by the way.

I was holding it up. It just hurt my shoulders after a while. So I gave it a rest and it would flop down and it would land on her face. The glue would get covered in ketchup glue. Also covered in ketchup because we had hot dogs before. It was viscous. It was slimy.

The glue was slimy. Yeah. Strip by strip it went up, four and a half to be exact. Did it get easier or did it get more tedious as it went on? When you're on the third strip, you're like, oh, we're getting the hang of this? Or are you like, oh my God, this is so hard and it's getting worse as we go?

Every strip is a new challenge because we started at 9 p.m. and by the third strip, we were having to carve around an outlet and let's try putting the glue on the paper instead of the wall and see if that makes it any better. Now it's 12.45 a.m. Is that true? And things are getting, yeah,

and about an hour per strip. Why did you start at nine? Because we had to prime the wall before that and that started at five and you have to give it two hours to dry. So what, does it, you know it has to dry. You could just do it the next day? The wall size.

No, because the fucking mounter was coming the next day and the wall had to be dry for him. It really had to be dry for him. It really had to be dry for him. This is, I think that was poorly planned. I really do, I really do. I made it with a tight schedule in mind so that it could be done as quickly as humanly possible. And is it?

The problem was, drum roll please. I have weak shoulders. We hate it. Oh yes, you didn't see the wallpaper before it arrived. No, it actually turned out well. You can't tell that it was a stressful putting up of a wallpaper because the end result, though hard to do, looks pretty good.

Unless you're looking very close, you can see some minor imperfections, but from a distance, it seems like it's a, it was a professionally placed wallpaper. Wow. Let me see if I can find a picture I can share my screen. And did they, so they mounted the TV. Have you put any of the gallery photos up yet?

No, I did not. Have you watched any TV programs on the TV yet? Yeah, we broke in the TV last night. It was nice. Nice to see the TV. It's good? The picture quality is nice. It's fast. It's smart. So the picture quality is nice, it's fast,

it's smart, so. The picture quality is good, yeah. The Google software is nice. The art part of it is kinda cool. The fact that it becomes a painting at rest. Do you have a painting that you have chosen? Are you cycling? Are there like?

There's a lot of options and we have a temporary one that looks pretty good with the wallpaper but nothing permanent, nor does it have to be. I can draw you something, I was just thinking. It's not that, it's not what you can draw me. Art. It's absolutely not that. Okay, here we go.

Can you see this? This is the before. Okay, so that's the before. I can see. That's the before. Yeah. Yeah. Try to ignore the reflection of my naked body. I have like a pretty soft mons pubis of the reflection.

Make sure you can't see that. And then expose the bad as deference. That's the before. The before. A little right aligned television over the media cabinet, white wall. Yeah, I can see that. And then, let's see the...

Dying plants, fake plants. This, here we go. Share, after. Very nice, center aligned. Yeah, center aligned, wallpaper wall, painting TV, that doesn't even look like a television. So, from, I know that you said from a distance you can't see any imperfections.

I can see top right corner, little divot, little divot not perfectly meeting the wall. Actually dead center top little bit of a dip not exactly meeting the ceiling there. I'm stopping the share. I'm stopping the share. I'm stopping the share. We had other questions. Does the door hit the end table?

Because I thought that the meaty cabinet was right aligned because the door opens inward and you're giving it space to open fully without hitting your TV or your console. But I'm curious if the door opens into that small. If the door swings all the way to the wall it will hit the end table. Okay. It will not hit the media cabinet, it will not hit the frame. Sorry the canvas TV! Right. Not the frame, now you have me saying it. And yes, the mounter had notes.

What did the mounter say? Notes on the TV? Notes on the entire AV setup. Really? He asked if we were getting a sound bar. I told him I was eschewing the sound bar. I don't believe in a sound bar. The sound from my TV is fine as is.

Do you have an Apple TV? I don't believe in a sound bar. The sound from my TV is fine as is. Do you have an Apple TV? I don't. It's, we have like apps within this smart TV ecosystem, but not an Apple TV. I told you my situation at home, which is that we have an Apple TV and then Jill and I each have the Apple AirPod Max headphones.

Oh yeah, and you guys are listening, watching TV, listening on a headphone. Yeah, the Apple TV can connect up to two pairs of headphones. Oh yeah, and you guys are listening, watching TV, listening on a headphone. Yeah, the Apple TV can connect up to two pairs of headphones. I'm sure it can connect to any Bluetooth headphones, but it seems like Apple likes Apple products, you know? So, but yeah, we're both listening on AirPods Max Pros. Interesting. And that definitely better than a sound bar,

tell you what. The audio is incredible. People don't really do that, why is that the case? That you rarely, like when you're watching on a computer you're always using headphones. I don't know anyone that watches TV with headphones. Yeah, well you do now, that's me buddy. Maybe you're starting a trend.

Or maybe there's something awry that I can't think of. Mm-hmm, it's great, it's great, I love it. Okay, that's the update there. This is segments, the only DIY homerino podcast hosted by us. Homerino. Now I'm fucking, like, if somebody, if you ever need wallpaper, I feel like I can,

I'm your man in the world. Really? Because I did it sort of helping Avital put it up once, twice if you include our bedroom with that peel and stick. So now I can do any type of wallpaper. But you have the laser level, which seems like it's one of the, that's a big piece of the puzzle.

The laser level was a bust for camera. Really? Who's to say it was perfectly straight? Not I, it looked fine. But at the top it was 26 inches away from the wall and at the bottom it was 26 and a half. Okay, how do you center that? How do you rotate it so that it's perfectly level?

The bubbles in the middle. So what'd you end up doing? Is that enough? A plumb line? Guestimating. Guestimating. What's your next home project then? Well now that wall is done in the living room,

okay, what's the wall next to it? Do we do a paint job? Do we change the couch? Do we do this? Do we add wallpaper to the office, et cetera, et cetera? Yeah, and what about the outside? Because you know, you- Not even willing to consider the outside yet.

We gotta start with the inside and move out. All right, nice. Okay, we asked for quick lightning round style, either questions or segments from our audience. That's right, that's right. We got some good ones, I will say. Shout out to the people watching our Instagram story. Yeah, respect, thank you.

One of my favorite ones is one we probably can't do, but let me see if I can find it. Made me laugh when I read it. It was by user fxlpunkrapper, make your face red. Remember that when you were a kid trying to make your face red? Yeah, what do you mean we can't do it?

Of course we can do it. We just, you just stop, you have to hold your breath and you know. But it's like, it's like, I don't even know how to describe it, it's like causing your, the blood to rush to your head or something. Yeah, you have to like find some force. All right, so I'm pressing my hands against each other.

That's number one. And then the other is holding your breath. So I'm gonna make myself real red. You think you can be able to do it? I'll give you a headache. I wonder if the white balance in the camera will just adjust accordingly. Jake is squeezing.

Looks like he's trying to pinch a loaf. His eyes are now closed completely. His hands are clasped like he's praying really hard. Am I redder? I think a little bit. I think, yeah, I think so. I think a little bit. That was not worth it.

That was not worth it. I feel kind of exhausted. Yeah. Yeah. My neck hurts. Yeah. I guess I won't do it, but I'm glad you were. Yeah. Yeah. My neck hurts. Yeah. I guess I won't do it, but I'm glad you were able to do that.

Yeah. I got pretty right. Shane Rover asks, what's your favorite old CH video that you're not in? You are not in this video. CH video that we're not in. Oh, I've said this before. I love the adults video.

You, Streeter, Pat, and intern Max. Well, I'd really like to fuck your wife. You and Streeter talking about, I think the joke is just that you guys are talking like adults, like, oh, how was your weekend? Oh, you know, Tucker is a crazy kid. And then it takes like the most banal dark turn.

It's just like, oh, we're going skiing, me and Cheryl and the kids. Like, oh, well, I'd really. And your character is like, I'd really like to come. Well, no, cause last time you came on the trip, you're drinking really put a damper on the whole thing. Then you grab his wrist. And you're like, I'd really like to come.

Oh man. Yeah, it's great. Good stuff. It's a good episode. But I guess I'm glad I'm not in it because I feel like then I wouldn't be able to watch it as a fan. That's right.

I like the one you were in with Josh Rubin where you guys are eating brownies and yelling at each other. Right, yeah. Chocolate in your mouth while talking about. Yeah. Like, oh I saw your mouth while talking about. Yeah. Like, oh, I saw your girlfriend at the elevator. Do you fuck her?

What? What are you talking about, dude? What am I talking about? Mouth full of brownies. Did you fuck her? I didn't fuck her. I'm sorry, man. Yeah, that's a good one.

That's a very good one. Good stuff. Really good stuff. Himi, name is Evan? Hi, oh, my good Lord. Hi, my name is Evan. Hi. Himi name, him name.

Sound like fricking Joe Biden over here. Read the name. Sleepy Joe and fucking laughing Kamala. Are you kidding me? She's laughing. Would you rather have a tired guy or a girl that laughs? Tell me what's so funny. I've never laughed.

About turning our country into a shit hole. Sorry if I don't think that's funny. Yeah, so anyway, hi, my name is Evan. Best and worst marriage advice. That's kind of fun. You've been married for almost a year now. Your anniversary is coming up in October. October, yeah.

I guess the worst advice would be to spend every day wallpaper in a wall. Right, high stress situations. Yeah, that's probably not something you wanna do. But turning your house into a home, now that's good advice. Oh, that's interesting. Okay, mine is communication, good communication,

patient communication. That's what you don't want because you need to get your way. Or the highway. because you need to get your way or the highway. Nope. Polite, patient, considerate communication, considerate communication. Let's talk about respect. Okay, because I don't get any in my house. A little respect.

I think assuming positive intent, believing that your partner has the best intentions, even if you disagree with them on something. And then bad advice, bad advice? Phones before bed, just phones, phones in general. I think phones are kind of bad, not just for me, but for society. Life, yeah.

For sure, for sure. Spend less time on your phone, more time in the Moom. That's awesome. Yeah. And then you're, in the Moom means watching TV with two earbuds in, so you can't hear the other person airpod maxing it all. Yeah.

Actually, Jill, when we watch TV, the only unfortunate thing, cause I, so I have like, when I'm watching TV, I don't just like channel surf, you know, we're not just like, watching whatever. You're not on your phone talking. Yeah, like when I watch TV, basically watch like an hour a night, maybe less. So it's it's highly programmed. This is on

demand TV. This is discussed, this is chosen. Maybe we're in a show. So I like to be dialed in and not miss anything. Jill used to be a talker during a show. She'd be like, oh, I know what this guy's gonna do. He's gonna do this. Like, oh wait, isn't this guy? And she can't do that with the headphones.

That's why you like the headphones. That's why I love the headphones. Because you're like, okay, here we go. But what she can do and what she started doing because she knows that I don't like when headphones. That's why I love the headphones. Cause you're like, okay, here. But what she can do and what she started doing because she knows that I don't like when she, yeah, when she talks during the TV show. Okay, give me the remote, I'll pause and then we'll talk. Yeah, we'll just be walking.

Yeah, we'll be watching and she'll be like, pause it. And I'm like, I don't want to pause it. I know you don't want to interrupt, but this is a different kind of interrupting. I'm not interrupting, I'm stopping, there's a difference. Now the real problem is with the AirPod Pros, there's just a button so Chill can pause at willy nilly and tell me what's on her mind. She has too much access.

That's funny. So you're saying you do like the headphones or? I love the headphones. I love the headphones. I love the headphones. And her pausing is the least of all of the evils. Okay, let's take a break, come back and do some more segments, lightning round style.

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Yes, yes indeed. I was actually searching for domain names earlier. Do you know the term fly a kite? Like you can go fly a kite? No. Really? Well then you're gonna love fly a bike. I've never heard of flyakite.com. Wait, what is it? Fly a bike?

Fly a bike.com. You can fly a kite. Why did you? Fly a kite, I said. Fly a kite. Fly a kite, you can fly a bike. You really can't fly a bike. Yeah, if you're riding it really fast.

I mean, you're riding it really fast. I mean, you're being an absolute moon raisin. Is it moon raisin or is it absolutemoonraisin.com? Moon raisin.com. And is absolute moon raisin available? Taken. Because that's the more famous phrase. Yes.

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See you later, moon raisins. Thank you to Babbel for sponsoring this episode of our show. Indeed, thank you Babbel. Jake, I don't know if you know this, but the easiest way to learn a language is to just move there, immerse yourself in the culture and the people for years and years and years.

That sounds great. I'll do that, thank you. I was gonna say that it's probably kind of hard to, it's hard to pull off is the problem. Right, right, right, right. Yeah, you can't really do that. Yeah. The second best way,

which is a lot more convenient, affordable, and probably fine is by using the Babel app. Oh, that's nice. Yes, Babel, which are 10 minute lessons that are designed to get you talking really, really fast in a completely new language. Amazing, then you could get dropped off in the middle of any country you want and already speak the language.

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if you go to babbel.com slash segments. Segments. So you can get up to 60% off at Babbel B A B B E L dot com slash segments I love it have Babbel will travel rules and restrictions may apply always thank you Babbel and we're back okay you know the Guess a Celebrity's Age game that we play? Oh yeah. Evgeny Matbebe

asks, Guess a Celebrity that's 5'3". Oh. Not age, but height. That's good. Okay. A five foot three inch celeb. Danny DeVito. I think he's too short, let me search.

Danny DeVito height. Height is great, we should also be doing weight. Height is 4'10", is Danny DeVito. 4'10", okay. That's really short. Okay, I'm gonna guess Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Yeah, that's good, that's actually really good. Dreyfus, height.

She's five, three, I won. All right, next game. That was so fast. Let me tie. I can try to tie. Well, you did guess once and so did I, so we are tied as of. Joe Pesci, AKA. Joe Rogan. Joe Pesci three.

Joe Pesci. Five foot four. He's inflating that. My cousin Vinny in sneakers. All right, great. Good segments. That's one that could be recurring. Yeah, that one's a little easier than age because there's not a lot of variance.

There's like eight heights somebody can be, but 58 ages. Actually, let's play who's one. Who's the most famous one-year-old? Most famous one-year-old. The Gerber baby? The little baby, yeah, that's good. All right, do you have one?

Of course I do, Of course I do. One second. Okay. Which play on words is a better riff on slice of life? Rice of life or slice of knife? Rice slice of knife. Yeah, because it doesn't mean anything. Yeah, it's just this nice little slice of knife

that I like. Right, slice of rice is really, is like actually nothing. Slice of knife is like wrong in a way that's like you made a mistake which makes it funnier. You know what I mean? Correct, yeah. Okay, cool. Jarrett Ward asks,

debate which Olympic sport you could get a bronze in if you train for a year. Have you been watching the Olympics? Yeah, as much as I can. I have been a little bit busy during the day, so I'm trying to keep caught up. Right now I have the gymnastics on over my shoulder. I do, I love the Olympics.

Track and field is my favorite though. I think that's coming up next week. Yeah. I think, I mean, maybe fucking pole vault. If I had a year, would I still have to like record shit or would I just be able to do pole vault all day? I think you would dedicate your life to the vault. Okay, then maybe triple jump.

These are really, really hard. People always say they dedicated the last four years to this and this is their way of showing off. I'm like, it's way more than four years. Nobody started training at the last Olympics. Well isn't the last Olympics. It's usually a lifelong endeavor. There's an NBA player playing volleyball right now, right? An ex-NBA player, Chase Budinger, went from the NBA to just be a professional volleyball player

and now he's competing in the Olympics as a volleyball player. That's kind of awesome. You basically, you do a sport where you just have the perfect body type for another sport. And you're just like, oh, I guess I can actually spike the ball. It's not hard because I don't have to defend anybody. I'm just fucking hitting.

Jumping high. I also saw that- Wait till Kevin Durant hears about this. I saw there was a, the guy who won the bronze medal for like shooting or something. It was just like a 51 year old guy from Turkey who like, there's, it was on, yeah, it was on Reddit.

There's like somebody who's wearing like two special glasses and this other guy just like comes in, t-shirt, hand in his pocket, shoots, gets a bronze. I feel like that's a new sport. I've never seen just like a straight up handgun at a target like that. That has to be new, right? I don't think it's new.

I think it's probably, yeah, no,'t think it's new. I think it's probably- It's not skeet shooting. Yeah, no, I think it's one of the older sports. I mean, that's- But Olympics wise, I've never just seen a guy with a fucking gun like that and winning a medal. There's a lot of shooting sports. There's that one in the Winter Olympics

that's just like cross-country skiing with shooting. Yeah, that I've seen before. That's a good one. Curling, maybe curling. That one's kind of, well, no, there's a lot of finesse involved. I think seen before. That's a good one. Curling, maybe curling. That one's kind of, well, no, there's a lot of finesse involved. I think we'd have to be a shooting one. I think the easiest way to get a medal

is being the worst player on a team sport. Right. Like I could in theory get a bronze for being on the German basketball team. Yeah. And then just, I'm the 12th man. Right. They don't play me, but I'm on the team.

So I'm on the bronze. You're a bench player. Yeah, you have to fill out the team. That I'm the bronze. You're a bench player. Yeah, you have to fill out the team. That's kind of good. You're more of a locker room presence because they love beating up on you. I'm a team player. I'm a glue guy.

And I still have glue on my thighs. Is the glue on the paper or on the wall in the locker room? That's right. And it's really hard to line it up, obviously, left to right, because you have to make sure that there is no deviation. That's the hard part. Okay, here's a question I don't really understand.

You can tell me. HarryEd17, rank five items without knowing what comes next. Desserts, states to live in, drinks, et cetera. I don't understand. So that's like a, it's a TikTok thing. It's called blind ranking. It's like this filter where they'll give you like 10

athletes or 10 desserts and you don't know what's gonna come next. You're like chocolate chip cookie. All right, I think I'll put it at two, but like if just because something might come up better. I see, I see. So we can't really play that. Not knowing what's next.

Okay. I can give it to you now. I can come up with five desserts. Okay. List of five, of five desserts. You need to Google list of five desserts. You can't just come up with five desserts. Come on man.

I can come up with two. Well, I actually had an interesting dessert last night. It was called a Paris breast. Have you ever had that? No, I've never had a Paris breast. Yeah, well there was a lot of discussion about what it was gonna be. And it turns out it was really delicious.

It was kind of like a donut cut in half with like ice cream and chocolate hazelnut or nougat or something in the middle. And yeah, it looked like a titty. I don't really. Let me search what it is exactly. Oh yeah, I see what it is. Yeah, this is a, it's a flaky donut cut in half and then in the middle, it's like little ice cream nuggets or something. Praline I see, flaked almonds. Mine did not have that.

It was clearly a, it was a variation on a Paris breast. I'm not close to done. I am not close to done. Have you ever had an English pussy? It's a pear sliced in half. Now we can move on. Okay, muffins. Lying rank, you don't know what's coming up next,

but I'm gonna give you five. These are desserts? Muffins aren't really desserts, kind of a breakfast food. I would not consider a muffin a dessert. Okay, cupcake. Thank you, four. Not really dessert.

Four of a celebratory. Four of a childish snack. Okay, what would you rank? Four, I said. Four. Four? Yeah. Okay. Cheesecake. Ooh, that's worse.

That's gotta be four. So then. Okay, so you're already wrong. The whole point is you have to lock it in. Yeah, cheesecake is, oh God, you're gonna say something worse than all of that. Cheesecake is three. Paris breast.

Paris breast? Absolute two energy. Really? Yeah. A banana split. A banana split. I think you're down to just one in three. No, one in five. Oh really? Okay, one in five.

I don't think anything is that interesting about a banana split, but I do love a banana dessert. It's just not with ice cream. It's five. And lastly, pie. This has been a disaster. Pie, I guess, has to go to the one slot, but. Exactly.

It's not really. So you got pie at the one, Paris breast at the two, was it? Yeah. Okay, you're gonna go with Lakers. LA Lakers players who have ever played for them. That's right. Okay.

Okay, five of them. That's right. Okay. Okay. Five of them. Palgasol. One of my favorite Lakers ever. But on a list of the greatest Lakers ever, or are you, are you searching a list of the greatest Lakers or any players ever? Famous ones. I want you to rank them, you know, it's not just like their best points. I whatever. This is just- I'll put Powis three, yeah. Yeah, this is how you feel about them. Okay, Powis three. Elgin Baylor. He was like a Minneapolis early Laker great,

but I never saw him play. Supposedly prototype of the modern NBA player who played in the fifties and sixties, but to me I'll put him fifth, last of this list. Kobe Bryant. Kobe gets my one. He was a Laker from my age of 13 to 33, won five championships, best Laker in my lifetime.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Shit. Some people say Kareem is the greatest basketball player of all time. Not me, which is why I'll put him second. So it's Kobe, Kareem, Powell, somebody, and then Elgin Baylor. LeBron James.

Yeah, LeBron is a great Laker. But four is accurate because he was, you know, in his career, he was mostly not a Laker. These other guys were mostly Lakers. Okay. So that's a fine list. You feel good. And then lastly, Paris Breast.

He went to Gonzaga and played three games for the Lakers in the early 90s. Iconic, absolutely iconic. Okay, what else we got? Oh, here's an Olympic question for you. Yeah. What's more important, total medals or gold medals? So some people are like USA's in first

because they have the most total medals and some people are like, actually Japan's in first because they have the most gold. It's all about the gold. What do you think the ranking should be? Gold, it's gold, it's gotta be gold. Gold. I think, I mean, I think the metal count is great.

Most metals is important. I think most metals is, I would absolutely celebrate that. But I think the more worthy thing to celebrate is most golds, cause you celebrate the gold the most when you win the gold. You can't dilute it by being like, oh, but, and now we have the most total. No, most golds is goaded.

Yeah, but then you wanna, if a country has one gold and 10 silvers, that's gotta be better than two golds and nothing. Yeah, yeah, maybe. But I think that the- There's like a weighted scale that weights gold more heavily, but still takes in consideration. Well, I think that the... There's like a weighted scale that weights gold more heavily, but still takes in consideration.

Well, I think there's two lists. It's a total metal count and a gold metal count. And if I had the option, I would rather be at the top of the gold metal count than total. Okay. But I guess that just means I'm a competitor and you're more of a layman. You know what I mean?

I'm more of a bronzeman who finished third best. Cause anybody can finish first. Like you look at Katie Ledecky and it's like swim as fast as you can. Oh, and now I'm just like lapping the field. To time out a third place finish is nearly impossible. And the risk is so high. Yeah.

If I get fourth, I don't get a medal. Ledecky just only wins. That's not that interesting. You look at all of the, it's like all of the best times for the 1500. It's like the top 20 are Ledecky. Who's finishing third the most? Who's number 21?

Also probably her. Spencer Meisner her Spencer Meisner Spencer Meisner asks when is bedtime and I'm actually thrilled to know this about you What do you think and hold on because I have another question. When is rise time? When do you wait? Yeah, and when do you sleep and do you piss in the night? Do you wake do you stir? Do you toss or turn? And are you a back sleeper, a side sleeper, stomach? Do you have a pillow between the legs?

Do you have a pillow under your knees? What's the perfect amount of almonds? Right, Danny. Well, in like the last 10 years, I've been like a midnight to 1 a.m. ish going to sleep and an eight to nine a.m. ish to wake up. But that has changed since. And this is a Luke update, the dog update.

Remember how Luke was having seizures dealing with a sick dog. So since I got back in May from being abroad, Luke has not had seizures, so prayers up, great job, Luke not having seizures. But the side effect of the seizure medication means he's got a lot of energy, very hungry, very thirsty. So he's like up at like 5.30 a.m.,

he's like, give me breakfast. So like I have to like groggily wake up and like give him breakfast. And like try to fall back asleep after that. Which means like I wake up like between 5.30 and 7.30 every day and like live in this weird liminal half nap, half awake space. Which means I go to sleep at like 10 or 11 now.

I see. That sounds like me, except your dog is my baby. Correct. I have a baby dog and he wakes up and I try to like shift his schedule later and later, but it's too late. It's like he's passing out at 1030, which means I'm passing out at 1030. Literally doing the exact same thing. Trying to get Jemma to wake up at 630 to 645 instead of 6 a.m. on the dot every single day. The difference between five and like 6.30 is so huge. Like when it's dark out and you wake up, it's like this is not sustainable. You don't want that.

6.30, it's like, okay, I fell asleep at 11, now it's 6.30, I slept enough and it's light out. I can convince my brain that that's a fine schedule. Right, yeah. No, I'm trying to go to bed, I'm in bed before 10, every single night. Wow, before 10? Before 10.

Nine, it's like 930, 940, that's TV off, AirPod Max Pro in the cabinet. Putting new ones on to listen to a podcast. Yeah. And then I put on my sleep headphones for bedtime. For white noise. I'm sensory my sleep headphones for bedtime. For white noise. I'm sensory deprivation through and through. Nobody can get a word in podcast hours.

I have an eye mask for when I sleep and when I wake. I have sleep apnea, I have wake apnea. I'm completely deprived. Yeah, so I'm just trying to hit that eight. If I can get, I want eight at least every single night. So 10 to six has been what I'm doing. But sometimes it's like, yeah, 10 to six is nice. That'd be great.

And then the best part is like, I wake up with him and then we're working at nine, recording at 10 and he just sleeps all day. It's like, yeah, that was a really early morning. I'm gonna pass out. Well, I can't do the passing out part. So it's not really fair for you to have energy from five to eight a.m.

And then nap all day. Need to eat, yeah. Yeah, that's not cool. It's fucked up, actually. But he has a sweet head, so I sort of have to deal with it, I guess. If he was ugly or annoying, I wouldn't wanna do any of this stuff.

Yeah, he's funny, so it's fine. Correct. Oh, actually, this is a dog-related question. The Rickster asks, if you were dog breeds, which would you be? I think it's clear that I would be a golden retriever or a golden doodle. I basically would be Dingo.

You'd be a Dingo boy. I really, yeah, I think Jill says that often that we're the exact same. Kind of goofy, energetic, incredibly needy, very affectionate, thrives on praise. And salmon, eats only salmon and combs. Yeah, and we do also both love fish and beef. This meal slash compound that I'm on slash he's on.

I'm eating the dry food. And I'm eating the wet. What about you? I don't know, I don't know what kind of dog that would be. What's a? Shit Sue. Cause you're a shit you. I was gonna say like Boston Terrier, a Cocker Spaniel.

Maybe a Cocker Spaniel. Emphasis on the Cocker. Not quite a spaniel. Damn spaniel. Back at it again with the winter booties. All right, let's take another break and get some more segments slash questions answered after this message. All right, we're back. after this message. ["Assholes"]

All right, we're back. More rapid fire questions slash segment fun. Let's keep them rapid. Evan does things, suggests rapidly name Olympic sports until somebody can't. Okay, Decathlon. Fuck. What's the one where it's like? Okay, Decathlon. Um, fuck.

Is, what's the one where it's like? No way. No way. Ice fishing or some shit. I don't think that is one. I really don't think that is one. Wait, are we doing Winter Olympics too or just summer? That's interesting. Let's just do summer.

Let's just do summer, because that's where we're at now. Individual swimming strokes, like is breaststroke different than butterfly? And is- Or do I have to say like men's 100 meter- Is 1500 meter butterfly different than the 200 meter butterfly? Or are we saying swimming?

Is a sport. Yeah. I think swimming has to be a sport. Right. We can't get into the nitty gritty. Yeah. So okay, you're saying swimming, I'll say diving. That's good.

I'll say track and field, or is that an entire genre? That's such a genre. I feel like you could go into- Okay, sprinting. Okay, let's say water polo. We're still in the pool for me. Okay, let's say badminton. Badminton, very nice. Let's say water polo. We're still in the pool for me. Okay, let's say badminton. Badminton, very nice.

Let's say tennis. Now we're talking racket sports. That's good. Equestrian, horsey sportsies. Horsey sportsies, okay. Let's say soccer or football. Let's say soccer, yes. Let's say basketball.

Let's say three on three basketball. See, that's sort of the same, right? Right, but it's a different players, right? Like are NBA players on the three on three teams? They're not, oh, ex-NBA player, Jimmer Fredette is on the team. It's interesting, interesting. It's three different players,

and I guess America's really bad at it. It's also a different sized ball. Oh wow, so we just don't practice this way. We don't play this sport. Yes, exactly, yeah. Okay, gymnastics. Handball. Handball, very nice.

Surfing. Field hockey. Rock climbing. Breaking, AKA break dancing, which is making its debut this Olympics. Skateboarding. That's really nice. Field hockey, did I say?

You did, and now you're eliminated. Yes, you did. Yes, you did. One slip up and you are done. You don't get another chance. I don't even have another opportunity. No you do not and I won the game. Pretty cool.

Pretty, pretty cool. Well I can't think of another one so that's fine. Joke's on you. You made it seem like you cheated but you would have won anyways. Damn it. LOL. Wrestling.

Oh that's good but the time was up. The time was absolutely up. Weightlifting, yeah, of course. What thing slash hobby slash activity from your youth do you wish you still did today, says MJ Mavroiannis. Thing from my youth, I guess, play GoldEye for two to three hours a day. You'd be fucking goaded by now. Um, I think from my, just that golden eye to the switch.

That's cool. Surprised it wasn't there already. Yeah. Um, I don't know. It's hard to, it's something from my youth that I wish I still have no responsibility or anything, but I kind of like the responsibility. I think he was like thinking of like tennis or something. Yeah, but I played tennis though.

Yeah, I guess I would. Yeah, I quit playing soccer when I was like six, I think. And I kind of wish I continued that because I love soccer now and it'd be kind of fun to be better at it. Yeah, same with tennis for me. I basically took lessons when I was like 12, 13 and 14 and then like didn't play anymore.

But like if I kept it up, I'd be awesome right now. Are you gonna force your child to play sports? Yeah, I think about this a lot. I think about this all the time. There are sports that I really need Gemma to play and there are other activities that are just not even on the table that won't be considered.

Interesting. Yes, yes, indeed. It must be hard because like kids sometimes just don't wanna do shit. Like I have a five year old niece and she'll be like, I don't wanna do shit. Like I have a five-year-old niece and she'll be like, I don't wanna go there today. And it's like, am I forcing my child to play soccer or is like, I forced my child to do everything.

And like some stuff they don't want to do. So I can tell it's- Yeah, sometimes they don't wanna eat dinner and they do have to do that. So like not going to soccer practice. And they're like, they don't actually not wanna eat dinner. They're just saying no. So like where do you draw the line between that

and forcing your child to play a sport? It must be really, really hard because also like, I bet if Gemma's like four or five and I have to drive her to soccer practice and she's like, I don't want to go. It's not like I want to go. I don't want to drive her to soccer. So great.

Let's go. Okay, fine. So I think at that age you do want it because it's like kind of like childcare. It's like, I don't want to look at you for an hour. This is like a babysitter. And you'll get running. Running, yeah.

You'll be tired. And that's good. Yeah. And I'll look at my phone. Interesting. Yeah, I don't know. It's hard to, it's hard, hard to say. I don't know that I would make her do anything.

But there's a difference between, oh, I'm making you go to practice because we signed up for it and all that, versus I'm making you go to practice so you can be the best in the world. And we're gonna do it for 12 hours a day. And you always say you don't wanna go because you're currently drying at home,

but then when you get there, you have a good time. So. Yeah. I guess that's, it'll make itself clear as it happens, as everything so far has. Do you have one? Of course. What would your first three acts as president be?

That's from Sam J.C. Interesting. Let's go with term limits for the Supreme Court. That one came up recently, makes a lot of sense to me. Not quite sure if a president should be like, all right, you guys are in and you're in forever. Yeah. It doesn't feel correct.

Lifetime appointments just seem weird in the country that's all about elections and democracy and all that. Lifetime appointment. Can we get rid of the electoral college? I feel like that's a little. That democracy and all that. Lifetime appointment. Can we get rid of the electoral college? I feel like that's a little. That's another bad one. Random.

Yeah, so all of the stuff that makes it so democracy doesn't work, the lifetime appointments, the electoral college, and let's go ahead and say four day work week. President could do that, right? Nobody's really doing anything on Friday. I'd like things to be rigged for my pleasure. I wanna be in charge of what's rigged for me,

not necessarily so that someone else could go in and do the rigging. Yeah, exactly. Staring contest says Mitch Sutfin. $500 to the winner. I think this guy's gonna pay us. So we don't have to risk anything. Now, when I say staring contest, do you think laughing?

Do you think smiling or do you think blinking? Blinking when you say staring contest. Okay, just let me know when. Let's go. Is talking helpful? Ooh, I already feel kind of a burn. I have dryer out here is the thing. I gotta blink, that just hurt.

That hurt so fast. Do I blink that often? Blinking happens so fast, I think I might've just blinked three times during that. I'm like, was that a blink? Was that a blink? Did I blink? I don't know.

People watching at home can tell us. Can you squint? Yeah, that's what I was doing. What am I squinting? I was narrowing my eyes. I was narrowing my eyes. They weren't closed, they were just narrowed. They were at rest.

Make a slit and then look up and down so you're still getting the moisture. Okay. What's a band you wish you liked, says Greatest G-H-X-S-T. That's a good question. A band I wish I had liked. What's a band you You wish you liked. Is it your sister's band?

Fuck you, man. I love Honey Magpie. What piece of shit. There's gotta be like, I'm trying to think of like, what's a cool band right now? That you just can't get into. I was making the claim the other day

that there are no new bands. No, there's, I was just- The newest band is like Mumford and Sons, and then since then, it's just artists. Yeah, oh, I guess that's fair. Yeah, we were away with Sarah and Mike the other week, and they were asking me if I knew all these people who were like, they were like,

that's the most famous musician right now. I'm like, I literally don't know who that is. It was, they forget, Sabrina Carpenter, never heard a single song she's ever made. Sabrina Carpenter is super famous. Mie Espresso is her famous song. Oh yeah, yeah, that's one that they were singing. Take it out of me, take it out of those,

that's the Mie Espresso. I'm like, that's fine. I were saying. Tickety-tack me, tickety-tack no, that's that me espresso. I'm like, that's fine. I don't need to know these things anymore. Yeah. I'm sure she's also. Yeah, Chappell Rhone, Charlie XCX. Those were the ones they said too. I couldn't like, if I saw a picture of them,

I wouldn't know who they were. If they were getting coffee in front of me, I'd have no idea. Yeah, pictures no, but hearing the songs on TikTok and stuff, that's how I know them. Right, yeah, I don't go on social media really or listen to music in my car. I listen to 880 News Radio when I'm driving around.

So you discover, like what's the newest song you enjoy? That dude, Yost or Yost, I believe it's pronounced, from Australia, who DM'd me when I was in Australia and I met him, and then I went to his show, and I really like his music. I wish I liked his music. No, I love his music. He's such a good guy. Yeah, I don't know if there's any,

there's just like an old band that I wish I like had an appreciation for, the way that Jeff likes Grateful Dead or something. Oh, I think Grateful Dead might be mine, because they're playing at the Sphere and everyone says it's awesome, but I'm like, I don't know slash like any Grateful Dead or something. Oh, I think Grateful Dead might be mine because they're playing at the Sphere and everyone says it's awesome, but I'm like, I don't know slash like any Grateful Dead songs. So like, I don't think I want to waste my Sphere experience

on a Grateful Dead concert. Yeah. I gotta wait until it's like somebody else that I kind of like, like Queen or some shit. Right. Although I hear Freddie Mercury died, so I don't even know if they can do that. That's actually fair.

But maybe at the Sphere he could come back. Yeah, there was a Queen with Adam Lambert tour. That seems like we could do that. There was another one last question about music that I thought would be good. Oh yeah, okay. Ever Shed J says, one sentence take on the Kendrick Drake beef.

Are you familiar? I'm definitely familiar. I don't know. I'm familiar. I don't know the details. My one sentence take is, I still love old Drake music. So whatever stance that is.

I'm not gonna- But do you like Kendrick music? I do like Kendrick music, but I just feel like, I think Drake music is really, I think Drake's music is very fun. And I like having fun. And I like the idea that music is light and enjoyable.

I don't want to listen to beef. You're a pedophile. Right, that's- Full stop, point blank, no ifs, ands, or asses about it. That's your take on it, that I'm a pedophile? Certified lover boy, certified pedophile. Jesus Christ. I'm sorry, I'm just quoting the man.

My one sentence take is that, Not Like Us seems to be the song of the summer, so I guess he won that beef. I don't know if you know that rap slash song. Yeah, no, I know that one. Yeah, so his diss track became the most popular song in America, which is like, I mean, that's the ultimate W

and the ultimate L for Drake, unfortunately. But the song of the summer is about you sucking. That sucks. Everyone's dancing to it at bar mitzvahs and it's all about how much you suck. I guess my take is really that I don't like either guy enough to care who wins or anything. And I'm just like, I'll just keep on enjoying the music.

That seems fine. Yeah, that's fair. But it must suck for Drake, a guy that sort of had an awesome life to lose this little beef in such a fashion. For sure. I bet he's surrounded by people that are letting him think he didn't lose. Yeah. Like it's actually not that good of a song, even though everyone's playing it at every party,

wedding and bar. It's not on the radio, dude. They're probably listening to it on Spotify. I like Sabrina Carpenter more. Whoever that is. All right, is there one last one we can go off to? Let's find it. Okay, one last question.

Unsolicited advice, somebody said. Austin Garza. Unsolicited advice, somebody said. Austin Garza. Unsolicited advice. I mean, the headphones while watching TV things seems to be. Yeah, that's pretty unsolicited. That's unique. And that's been great, yeah.

That's uniquely yours. I also, I think I've said this before on If I Were You as unsolicited advice, but I've gotten very much back into thrifting. I used to like, when I was in high school and college, maybe even when I was in New York, early college humor, I was like, would buy everything at thrift stores. And then I started being like, oh no, that's like dirty.

I'm gonna get, I want my clothes to be new and whatever. Maybe around the time when like tight jeans were so in. It's like it needs, everything needs to be form fitting. Right. And then when Gemma was born and she spit up on my shoulders all the time, I just like went to the store and I got a bunch of t-shirts that I was like,

I won't care about these. And lo and behold, I'm back in. I love buying thrift clothes. You don't have to be so precious with them. They've seen it all already. You're not gonna like- They don't fit me very well is my them. They've seen it all already. You're not gonna like. They don't fit me very well is my problem. Like I always feel like they're uncomfortable

or cut in a weird fashion. Like modern clothes I'm so used to and like the cropped shirts, the thick threads, like the weird collars, the short sleeve longs. I don't know, I can't find one that's comfortable. Well, it's easier to just go to J.Crew and be like any medium shirt will fit me here. If you're gonna go to the thrift store,

you have to buy it. You have to find like 10 shirts that you like, and then you have to try them all on, because they're not all gonna fit right. But when you find one that does, then you can rest assured, you can wash and dry it, and it's gonna fit the same, which is kind of nice. I got a shirt the other day with a,

is it this one? No. It's like the one where the label and the tag is like by your hip. Why do they do that? That's the worst possible location. It's like that can't be good. Like even cutting it is,

it just scratches your stomach all day. Yeah, it's wild. That's, it shouldn't be allowed. It's like, yeah, well we went tagless up here. So you'll feel it on your rib cage. It sort of tickles you. And if you try to get rid of it, it scratches you. Yeah.

Yeah. Just write the tag in, like why tags at all? Why tags at all? I guess is my unsolicited advice. No more tags. Just write it onto the fucking fabric. Print it directly. What does the tag say?

How to wash the shirt? I'll figure it out. You don't have to tell me how to iron it. Yeah. Don't iron this shirt. That information can be on the hang tag where the price is and everything. Yeah, and then we cut it off.

If you need to, it's there. But generally we can, you know, you can also, you can Google it at this point, but you can ask AI. And the tags are like a little booklet. It's a fucking booklet. It's like four pages up there. Just help me cover my nipples and we'll move on.

Well, I buy a lot of the shirts with the nipples. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the open nipple. All right, that's it. Thanks to everybody for coming up with great segments and questions for us. Appreciate it. Solid app, thank you for watching. Thank you for listening. We'll be back next week.

And for more of us, visually you can watch us on Patreon, patreon.com slash J.A. Ja. Weekly Jake and Amir watches over there. That's right. So shout out to you guys, and we'll be back next week. All right, see you then. Bye.

Bye. That was a Hidgum original.