If I Were You - 413: Christmas Tree

Episode Date: December 16, 2019

In this episode we discuss holiday drama, grooming tips, and the going rate for a 6 foot Douglas Fir.Listen to Amir's episode on Punch Up The Jam.For more IF I WERE YOU check out our Patreon.com/JA for bonus Thursday video episodes!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. Beautiful. I know that song. I used to like that song a lot. What song do you think it's based off of? It's that song that's like, it's all about the money, money. Yeah.

Yeah. But I don't know what it's called. It's called Christ Tag by Jesse Jay. Oh, very good. And that's very, very good. And that's Jacob K. A sequel, if you will. On the guitar trombone and his voice.

So thanks, Jacob K. Thank you, sir. It's like the Jason Mrazotaz version of Christ Tag by Jesse Jay. Jason Mrazotaz. You think he ever goes by that? Jason Mrazotaz. Yeah. God, he really deserves that.

In fact, I'm wearing a fedora today in honor of the Jason Mrazotaz vacation. And opened up, buttoned down, hemp sandals and a fedodo. That was Jason Mrazotaz. In O2? Not Style. At the O2 Kids Choice Awards? I don't even know. I have weird style icons.

This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the web hosted by us. I'm Amir. I am Jake. How's the weather in New York City? You know what? Today was actually the interesting combo of sunny and cold. Bright, bright light hurt your eyes, sun shining in your face, but it's 30 degrees. I see.

And it's blustery. It's windy, cold, clear, bright. Your eyes hurts the skin, but goddamn, does it feel good to be alive? So if you're inside and you're just staring out, you're like, oh, I can, my brain can convince myself that it's a nice day out. Yes. I've finally, we've reached the stage in the winter where I stopped judging the weather based on what I think it looks like outside. It usually happens around December. Like, you can't be fooled anymore.

Yeah, because kind of like through November, you know, you can still have those 60 degree days. It'll happen. So you're like, oh, I can get away with a light jacket today. I can, I could even do like a hoodie today. Yeah. So, but then there's a couple of days that really rock you where you go outside and you're like, you thought it was nice, but no, the wind's blowing through your khakis. You needed the long johns. Do you need boots?

Do you check the weather on your app or you just open a window and see? That's like the first thing I do in the morning. I look at the weather on my phone. Do you think most people do that or most people are like, whatever, it's like cold or it's hot, I'll deal with it. That's a good question. I feel like it's like 50% of people look at the, I mean, is the question look at the weather first thing or look at the weather in general before they leave? Yeah, look at the weather in general before they leave. 70% of people, I think, look at the weather in general before they leave.

And 30% are like, I'll just wear a jacket and we'll see what happens. Yeah, but of that 30%, you think there's some people that are like, well, I don't look at the weather because I've opened a window. I bet there's people that do that too. I also open a window every once in a while. I'm talking about someone who just doesn't even care about how warm or cold it is outside. So the question is, I mean, the breakdown is people who look, people who feel and people who do nothing, who guess. Yeah. I think you're at 60% lookers, 10% feelers, 30, no, 20% feelers, 20% don't give a shitters.

Got it. And like in terms of like future rain, they'll just be like, all right, that'll happen or it won't. Like I don't know if it's raining at three, whatever. I don't, I mean, I never, I look at the daily forecast. Sometimes if it's like, sometimes I look at the weekend forecast, but I don't, I'm not like, I don't look at like the weekly forecast to be like, oh, all right, I better be ready because it's going to rain on Thursday. Right. You know, that's, that's a game time thing. And what about umbrellas?

Do you ever use it? I don't ever use an umbrella. So it's pouring rain out. What's your game plan there? I have a car in New York City. So if it's pouring rain out, first of all, if it's really pouring. I won't leave my apartment. Like why would I have to?

That's cool. Yeah. Like what if you have like plans to go to Connecticut? I'll cancel. Oh no, I mean plans to go to Connecticut. I have a car. So I'll just walk to the car. The car is usually within a block.

So it's easy. Got it. I have a rain jacket. I'll wear that. I'll run to the car. I'm good. I'm there. And why are you, why are you anti umbrella?

Well, I'm not anti. I just don't think I don't, I've never like been able to hang on to an umbrella. I think an umbrella, once it's done protecting you becomes a pretty inconvenient device. You have to place it somewhere. It's kind of sopping wet. It's a bad shape and it doesn't feel natural in your hand. You can't put it in a bag because it's so wet. And then later on it stops raining and you just have to walk home kind of holding a

weird little rolled up bag and that's not good to feel that way. Do you have an umbrella in your apartment? Jill has one. Jill has two. Of course. If I'm being honest. Yeah. She uses an umbrella.

She's smart. She uses an umbrella. Yeah. And sometimes you'll like sort of huddle under hers so like she can use it, but then it's not your umbrella. So you don't have to deal with it. Yeah. Oh, that's perfect.

If I can just like duck my head under Jill's umbrella for the brief period that we're walking in the car, that's all I need. Yeah. And then she's off. She takes the umbrella to work. I might have to walk a block in the rain, but what's that? That's fine. I can usually find a stranger with an umbrella that will let me walk with them for a block

hand in hand. Right. So that seems like you're sort of, this is not unlike your flu shot theory. You'll just freeload from person to person without actually doing the work yourself. That's right. I am a pest. I'm a locus. A cockroach.

You're a virus attaching yourself to a host. I am a virus. Indeed. And for you, the weather is just the same every single day, so you don't really have to think about it. Yeah, but I'm still looking at like, you know, when will it rain? What day of the week is it going to rain? I'm always the first to know like, oh, it's raining on Sunday, even though it's Tuesday.

You give a shit that far out. What do you like get, what's the practical thing of having that knowledge? It's Tuesday morning and you know it's going to rain on Sunday. Yeah, I'm like, I know that there's a storm coming, so whenever there's a lull in a conversation, I'm telling the person, by the way, we're supposed to get two inches of rain on Sunday. And if somebody's like... And they'll be like, yeah, I don't know. Is that a lot?

Is that a lot? Well, for example, two winters ago, we only got five inches of rain. So what do you think, two inches on a Sunday? That seems like a lot to me. And they're like, yeah, I guess, man. Hey, don't talk to me anymore. This isn't a pleasant conversation. So you use the information to like, have less friends.

That's your practical use for it. I'll alienate a waiter or whatever. Yeah, okay, cool. But I'm also intrigued as to how much rainfall in inches Los Angeles gets. You like to keep track of that. Do you know how much rainfall we got last year? A lot. We got about like between 19 and 20 inches, which is a lot in LA.

That was good for the drought. That was a drought buster. And this year, we've got like three or four inches. So it's been pretty rainy, but not incredibly wet yet. I can see how waiters are like, yeah, I have another table I have to talk to. And then I'm going to New York tomorrow. It's supposed to rain tomorrow in New York. Did you know that?

It's supposed to rain. This is one of the rare times that I looked at the weekend forecast because we got shit to do. You and I. So yeah, I saw that it's raining tomorrow and on Saturday. Okay, good. And you know, when we go to Atlanta on Sunday, it's going to be raining on Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday in Atlanta too. You know that?

I did not know that. Yeah. So wherever we go, there's this sort of a cloud literally raining on Earth parade. Yeah. That bones me out in a small way because I was kind of looking forward to gallivanting around Atlanta because I like that city so very much. Yeah. In a sunny fashion.

Yeah. But I suppose now we'll just have to Uber and Lyft to the various establishments that we'll be visiting and the folks that we'll be hanging with. Do you think Skeets is going to party with us? Yeah. As long as he has an umbrella, we should definitely party with him. I'd be down to meet up if he has a raincoat or if he has an umbrella on the day. Boots.

So you'll show up with. Do you have duck boots? I'm tired around your air, your fly knit sneakers. Mm-hmm. All right. Enough about the weather. God, you're so fucking boring. Who cares?

This is a podcast about the weather now. I wish. This is actually, like I said earlier, if I were you, an advice show. So let's try to answer some questions. People are in sticky situations. They need our advice. I don't blame them. We know what we're talking about.

I'm ready. Damn, we pros. Here's an insane situation that a 28-year-old finds himself in. We'll call him Joe Montana. Okay. Nice. Here's the thing. My girlfriend and I have recently opened our relationship up so that she could explore

her attraction to women. Aside from the small growing pains, things have been going really well. My partner and I now each have our own girlfriends. And we have gotten particularly close to my partner's girlfriend and her husband. Are you with me so far? Okay. Him and his girlfriend both have girlfriends, and him and his girlfriend is into his new girlfriend and his new girlfriend's husband, of course.

All right. Jesus. We see each other often and have started a really good Dungeons and Dragons campaign. Congrats. Here's where things get tricky, though. Here, now it's about to get tricky. So far, it's fine. My partner has expressed the desire to have a threesome with her girlfriend and I, which

we are all into. The husband doesn't have a problem with it, and he's even encouraged it. He had made it very clear that it's not a quid pro quo situation, so no obligation to swing. Up until a while ago, it all seemed like it was going to go off without a hitch until the husband expressed the desire to leave his job. You see, I run a ski shop and I told him he could start working with me. He starts on Monday, and on Thursday, I'm supposed to go out on a date with my partner

and his wife. So here's my question. Is it wrong for me to bone my new employee's wife? He's already given me pretty much the green light, but is this going to compromise our work relationship? Obviously, I want to have the threesome, but I also want my employee to be happy, and I don't want to have negative tension hanging over everything. So what do you think?

Should I seize the cheese and slay this three-headed two-pussied beast, or should I take a cold shower and decline the offer? Okay. Thanks. I want to have it all, but I don't want to burn any bridges. All right. Interesting. He's a good boss.

The fact that he cares about his employees this much, you know, like, it's absolutely the kind of guy I'd want porking my wife. Yeah. What a situation. I guess, I mean, it seems fine. Like, you got to also remember that you gave this guy the job. So it's like, you did him a solid there. It's not like you're a mean boss and he works for you, and you're like giving him too much

shit to do and making him stay late, making him work the weekends, and then you're going to have sex with his wife, you know, like, he left his job, you did him a favor, you got him a new one at a ski shop, sounds pretty chill. So now he's, he's already, he's got to come up, you know, like he's, he's doing good. Yeah. And would you, would you, would you feel weird seeing this guy after going on some sort of thrender date with his wife and your partner? Not any weirder than I would seeing him at the Dungeons & Dragons table being like, does

a 16 hit? I fucked your wife. I know you don't care, but it's kind of bizarre that I got to fuck your wife. Yeah. So I think, I mean, if you can, if you feel like it's also fucking, it's just part of the lifestyle. This is like, this is one of the little growing pains that you're, that you're talking about, you know?

Yeah. Would you be, would you be down to be part of this arrangement? No, I wouldn't, I wouldn't at all. It doesn't seem, this does not seem, I'm glad that it works. It works for him. I'm glad that it works for some people. It does not feel like a liberating situation to me to like have a weird little intricate friend group whose feelings I have to care about a lot and who's like sexual preferences

I have to know and understand and respect at all times. Like it's hard enough having one partner. It sounds like all of these partners have two partners and some of them have three and they all share with each other. So like Joe knows how Dan knows how Tom knows how Jen knows how Ashley all feels at what time. It just, it's a lot of stress and anxiety to me. It's, yeah, it's hard to find, how do they find this many people that are down?

Like it seems like these are rare people, but now there's like five of them in this edible arrangement. Yeah. I just don't, like on some level, I like the idea of fucking whoever I want, right? That's cool. Fundamentally, yeah. But what happened, this situation, this is not that. This isn't that at all.

He's already talking about how he's not sure he should fuck this other person. That's right. Like this is an open relationship anymore. This is just a, this is a, what's a better word, like it's not open. This is a jar or it's, well, it's closed, but there's more pieces to it. Yeah. It's like, instead of completely open, it's like there's multiple slightly open doors. Well, actually, you know what it is?

It's like a relationship is a room where the door is closed and an open relationship like this one is a room where the doors are still closed. There's just 19 people in there and you're like, Charlie, may I touch Becky's hair? I'll see it work tomorrow at the ski shop. Yeah. I don't know. It just, it doesn't, it's, it seems like it's a lot to handle. All right.

But this guy shouldn't be extra cautious with the fact that he works with his new girlfriend's husband. That's not related to the partner who's also down to have a threesome with the new girlfriend. Yeah. Or I mean, like if you're going to be extra careful, be extra careful across the board. Like it seems like everything's already set up and, and going, like you might as well have this threesome. You're doing everything else.

God, can you imagine being the husband that's like on the outside of a threesome and then you go to work at the ski shop and the guy comes in with a fucking shitty grin. How's the powder out there? How's the powder and, and did you pork my wife? Yeah. I mean, last night was a blast. I fucking love this arrangement. Can you restock the beanies for me?

I can restock the beanies and, and I think we're out of fingerless gloves. You might want to grab the catalog. Did she ride you or was it more of an, okay, I was hoping you weren't going to say that she had done that. Do we have these boots in an 11 and, and how many times did you guys fuck? Yeah. I think we do have those check the back and it's hard to say. And the times.

Yeah. It's hard to say because it was just like one long fucking sex party. Okay. So we have an 11 in this, but okay. And, and in terms of the anal, you're fired for yelling anal. I'm sorry. I'm just looking to fuck your wife, but you can't yell that in the ski shop. But I'm not restocking the beanies, man.

It's fine. Jesus Christ, what a complicated situation I want in. I want in bad. Would you do it? You wouldn't. You would never. I'm sorry. No one would ever with you is what I meant to say, but would you?

I think if I did it, it would be like with a new girlfriend that I wasn't very attached to. I wouldn't do it with like a current girlfriend that I was already in love with. Right. Like if somebody. I guess that makes sense. Yeah. Like maybe I would be the third person that's like, well, this is a crazy exciting system

you guys all have going on. Right. You have way less to lose. Would you, if there were, if two people were married and they wanted to bring you in as the third? Would I be the third for a married couple? Yeah. You would absolutely, I just can imagine you wreck, you would wreck a marriage for sure.

I've already ruined a mafia game. It would be that except for a union. I would feel much worse about the marriage that I ruined a mafia game that comes and goes. Yeah. I don't even think that one was your fault. I'll ruin a game night, but I don't want to ruin a game marriage. I assumed I was being the third for a homosexual couple named Brad and Tony.

Yeah, but Tony goes by aunt. That's cool. All right. I'm in. Cool. All right. Let's take a break. Thanks for the sponsors and we'll come back with more questions and answers after this.

Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah.

Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow.

We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool.

This is a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it.

I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. She misheard it or something like that, or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool.

And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app.

Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly.

You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit auraframes. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the

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Okay. Go get your parents something. All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, aura. To the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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Check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Yeah, yeah, I do. You can listen to my boy, me, Amir Blumenfeld on Punch Up the Jam. Punch Up the Jam, baby. Yeah, this was a fun one.

When I was in New York a couple of weeks ago, I was on Meals, Punch Up the Jam podcast. Full disclosure, it is a headgump podcast. But it's a good one. That being said, yeah, we dissect my favorite song, Hook, by Blues Traveler. That's right. And then I assign her with a way of making it better. And I say, the song's perfect to me. It's flawless.

I have no notes. I guess the one thing that would make it better would be to make it about the Lakers. And then she did it. It ends the end of the episode is her doing the Blues Traveler, Hook fast, rapy, party part of the song, but about the Lakers this year. Did you hear it? No, I have not heard it yet. Did you?

God, did you love that? Yes, I did. That sounds like that. Truly perfect. I did love it a lot. What does she say when she says, suck it in, suck it in, suck it in, if you're rint in tin? Well, I don't want to spoil it for you.

You're going to have to listen to the podcast. Fine. But I think I also put it on my Twitter if you want a sneak preview of it. That's probably exactly what I'll do, but I'll listen the whole entire episode too, because it's a good ass show. It's a good ass show, and that was a great ass up, and it was very fun because she hated the song, so she was constantly asking me about it, and I was constantly defending it, telling her that, yeah, this part's great.

Yes, I love that part too. No, I don't think that part's cheesy. I think it's all good. And it is like, I mean, it's a notoriously bad song, I would think. Is it? I didn't know that. When I was growing up, I loved it, and my friends loved it too, but we're all 11, so I don't know if it was notoriously good or bad.

I guess I don't remember now either, but I always thought it was bad. It's not even catchy to me. This is what the podcast episode is about, exactly how catchy it is. It's not. The hook. I hate it. Whoa, don't ruin it. Fine.

Okay. Yeah, I do feel like there was another song on Punch Up the Jam that they did that I was like, wait, that's an unpunchable jam. That song is perfect. Crash Into Me. Yeah. It's like, how could that song possibly be improved? It couldn't be.

Did they? Dave's The Goat. I believe they did their best. I don't know if they fucking did, because I think the song's perfect. Of course. So what you feel about Crash Into Me is what I feel about hook by Blues Traveler. Mm-hmm. That makes sense.

All right. We got a few Christmas related questions. Nice. Happy holidays, brother. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway. I mean, Merry Christmas.

Sorry. What was the outcome of the war on Christmas? I know it's over, but I don't know who won. You won. Really? Yeah, you won. So now we say happy holidays instead. How cool is that?

That's awesome. Take that Christmas. All right. This is a 23-year-old lady who's living at home with her mom. So we'll call her, um, Marky. Cindy Lou Who. Who? Cindy Lou Who.

Cindy Lou Who. Is that a Christmas reference? Yeah, dude. She was the girl on the Grinch. From the Grinch, he stole Christmas from everyone, but specifically, Cindy Lou Who is the one that kind of caught his ass. Okay. So Cindy Lou Who writes, Christmas is around the corner and I have a decision to make regarding

spending Christmas with my mom and sister or with my boyfriend and his brother. My mom isn't really into Christmas, so I don't think she'd mind, but I also don't want to leave her all alone with just my annoying older sister. But it would technically be my first Christmas with my boyfriend and he loves Christmas and wants to hold it at his apartment. So where should I spend my Christmas morning? Thanks, love. Cindy Lou Who.

It's a rite of passage that you start spending your Christmases with your significant others. That's like, that happens and then if all goes well, you, you marry them, you have kids and then you start having the Christmases all back together again. You, if you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours and that's what you have to tell your mom. This is a good sort of microcosm is why I dislike this time of year is because of all the logistical nightmares and I always feel like I'm pissing someone off, disappointing someone, letting someone down, giving the wrong gift, going to the wrong place, figuring

out the schedule, traveling, it's cold weather. I'd prefer to fast forward to January 4th. Yeah. Well, you are a Grinch. I'm surprised you didn't know Cindy Lou Who because you stole Christmas. The real Grinch doesn't even know about the Grinch movie. That's, I guess that's probably accurate if there is a real Grinch. Although it is easier when you're Jewish dating a non-Jew or the other way around because

then it's like, oh, Christmas with the non-Jewish family. Yeah, that's true. Joel's family doesn't do anything for Christmas and I get to just, just do her with family Christmas. That's right. You steal that. Which is kind of nice. Another problem is my mom's birthday is the day after Christmas.

So then it's like, okay, I can spend, I can spend Christmas with the non-Jewish girlfriend if necessary, but then I might be not in Los Angeles. So we have to fly during December 25th day or the day after and that makes it even a bigger headache. Yeah. I don't know. I like, I just love the holidays in general. I like any like mandated family time.

I think that's, I think it's nice. Thanksgiving. That's the perfect amount. You got a long weekend. It's still not freezing cold. End of November. Why are we all coming back together four weeks later and doing it again? Because it was so fun the first time and Thanksgiving food is bad.

So like, it's nice to come back and just get presents and you don't really have to worry about the meal. I don't want mashed potatoes, mother. Stick my stocking filled with joy. I think Christmas Thanksgiving has too many like regimented traditions. It's like, you have to make turkey. You have to make pie. You have to like, there's just, there's too much and every, everyone does it the same.

I think Christmas is like, there's so many different traditions that you can kind of make it your own. You can Carol, you can just sit around the tree. You can make cookies or rice, sit by the fire. You can make rice if you want to, you can make rice if you want to, you can leave Santa behind everyone's caroling and you're singing that behind a piano. That's not tuned because Jews don't rice. And if they don't rice, then they're no friends of Santa.

Nice. We're going to do Jingle Bell next. Thank you, Jake. Jingle, rice, jingle, rice. Wait outside. Wait the fuck. How did I do? Silent rise. Holy rice. See, you can make Christmas anything you want.

That's why it's the goat. And you get presents at the end of the fucking day, don't you? Have you ever gotten, have you ever, have you ever gone to a Christmas tree thing and done that whole thing of like, choosing a tree and wrapping it in a net and bringing it home? Yeah, of course, yes. As an adult? Yes.

Really? You've gotten a tree? Yeah. Where did you put it? Where did I put the tree? Yeah. In my parents' living room? Oh, I see. But like, not like, I'm living here now and I'm going to get a tree and put it in my house.

Jill would never allow that to happen. She's a grinch in the same fashion that you are. But even before Jill, you never like, I'm going to get a tree just for me. Yeah, I mean, I usually spend like the full two weeks before Christmas at home. So it's it's never made sense for me to like get a tree because you really just want it to be there on Christmas. And it's nice to see it. But like, if I'm I'm not going to like get a tree for five days

just to let it die while I go home. All right. If I had like kids one day and I and we're doing Christmas like at my house and like, I'll definitely definitely do a tree. Let me ask you about the process since I've never done it. OK, you go to the tree place. Are those trees planted in the ground or they've already been sliced and diced and they're being propped up dead?

There's all different kinds. There are some places where the trees have already been cut down. They're already wrapped up even and you just point to a tree, you pick it up. It goes home with you. OK, then there are some that are like out there on display. You're like, this is the one they wrap it up for you. They put it in the car. They send you home.

Then there's some where you it's a tree farm. You walk out, you grab a saw, you walk out, you choose your tree. You cut it down yourself and bring it back. I've done that before, too. That's that's really fun. That's very traditional. That's that's the original. You're literally fucking sawing a tree down at its bark.

That's if you're if you really love Christmas, that's the kind of shit you do. If you're doing like hot cocoa, decorating the tree. If you've got like the box of ornaments, you put the star on top, you've got the stockings, you you string in popcorn. That's for that level. Gingerbread man, cookie type shit. That's that level.

That's that train around the tree. That's that cut your own fucking tree down on a farm. Shit. OK, so you cut the tree down. You're bringing home. How's that tree standing up? You got a Christmas tree stand. What's the Christmas tree stand? It's a big like

aluminum or metal saucer. It kind of it looks I guess it looks like a big planter. And you put the tree in there. There's like a little clamp that you screw in to stand it up right. Stabilize the tree, stabilize the tree. And then it just stands right up in the corner. But that tree is basically in a big metal

planter. You I think I mean, the tree is dying. It's not like it's but it's it's alive. You put water in there. Oh, really? It's like a plant that you can keep alive for a few weeks. Got it. What's the going rate for a solid six foot tree over under 100 bucks? I was I'm actually not sure off the top of my head. I think it's under 100. I guess I would guess like 79 bucks.

It's pretty good for a tree. I don't know if I'm right to be honest with you, though. Yeah, could be way more than that. I guess any other questions. Your daddy usually pays for the tree, right? I mean, I usually do. But I couldn't I'm sort of a piece of shit. So like I couldn't even tell you like how much my breakfast cost this morning.

I don't really look at that. I'm a I'm a I don't know. This the average Christmas the average price for a living Christmas tree was sixty three dollars last year. It rose to seventy three dollars this year. OK, so yeah, I was actually pretty fucking close. Is that what is how your family does the slicing and slicing and dicing or they have the plastic kind?

We did the slicing and dicing when we were younger. But I mean, now we now I don't even know if we got a tree last year, actually, like because the kids are so spread out this year. No, we actually did get a tree last year. We we just pick it up at Home Depot, though. We do the easiest thing. Sounds pretty sounds pretty magical. And you get the gift from Santa.

Gifts. Well, yeah, gifts from Santa stockings. That's beautiful. You just sort of see with your family. Yeah, we sing with the family. That's I love my old man. He hates to sing. Sorry to hear that. Yeah, we never had a tree growing up.

Yeah, well, I do. He had a big skin. Go along, Amir. He used to say whipped it past the back of my head. I'm really sorry to hear that. That sounds awful. Do you want to do you want to spend the Christmas with my family this year? My dad wouldn't allow that.

I'd miss the big game with him. He's a huge Alabama football fan. Roll Tide, he used to tell me. I think you are making it seem like you were some kind of like high school or college athlete who was forced to play football against his will. And I just you're not very athletic at all. You you would have never, ever. Never made it to first string.

First string. Never made it to second string either. What string did you make it to? Yeah, I was a backup oboe player in the in the band, the Jewish choir. OK, and your dad would throw footballs at you. Not footballs. Um, what's it called? Plates, pig skin.

You called it a pig skin. So it was I'm confused that he would throw like a porcelain like a porcelain. Like whatever you eat out of like it's dinner time. You're getting what is that called? The saucer is yeah, I mean, it's called a plate. Yeah, I used to whiz that by me frisbee style. You didn't get it in the back of the head, right? I was going to say, if you didn't know what plates were called,

and I guess a bunch of them must have hit you in the head. I'd love to try that hot cocoa you were talking about. What is that like, like chocolate, but like a drink that's warm to have it. Wait, hey, dude, your dad's behind you. Look out. No, it all sounds great. It all sounds magical. Hanukkah's fun too.

But what are you going to do? Hanukkah's great. I love Hanukkah. That's a that's a that's a great one too. Actually, speaking of Hanukkah, we have a question from a 25 year old Israeli. Nice. Yeah, that's Hanukkah. So that's Hanukkah.

We'll call her Shoshana because that's an Israeli name. Twenty five year old Shoshana writes. First, though, I'd like to offer both of my cats as God children to Jake. I'll let you know that I named one of them after his D&D characters, Father Balnor, in great honor and respect. Balnor, you better show him or some respect. Put some respect on Balnor's name, Blumenthal. Sorry.

All right. What did I say? Balnor, you said Balnor and it's Balnor. He doesn't have a canonical last name, you little piece of shit. So you better respect that too. Now to my issue at hand. I'm flying over to Berlin next week all by myself to party at lesbian clubs and for a concert by J.I.D., a rapper from Atlanta.

Tight. It's a dream come true as most of my favorite artists never get to Israel. So I'm wondering how to make this trip unforgettable and actually meet him, get a selfie and maybe give him a gift. Maybe that's too much. How do I get his attention? Do I arrive after or before the opening at the venue to hope to catch him? Do I get to go backstage?

Do I throw myself on stage? Should I wait around till afterwards? How do I get his attention? Help, Toda and Happy Hanukkah. Love Shoshana. All right. So she she lives in Israel. Someone's coming.

Who's the who's going to Israel? No, J.I.D. is going to Berlin, where she's also going to be. Oh, I see. She's going to a Berlin club to see a DJ or a rapper. I see. I would not go there early, stay late. They've got to leave the club at some point. Yeah. And you just got to stay.

We experienced this like in a small extent with our live shows. Like we try to meet people after the show who got like a meet and greet pass. But then afterwards we just walk outside and there's usually like, you know, five to 30 people who are just hanging out waiting. Yeah. To catch us for free. Right. And that's how you game the system. You just told everyone the goddamn cheat code. Well, the problem is sometimes they don't.

If you're that way, it's kind of a crap shoot because sometimes we don't go out that way. Right. I mean, if you're really famous, I don't know how famous this guy is, but like if you're really famous, you have a handler and like a car waiting for you and they whisk you away. Right. So you don't get to do that. You and I are, yeah, we're fucking D-list celebrities. So they're like your show's over.

Call a fucking Uber. Bye. Yeah. We have to wait outside by ourselves. And remember that one time that bouncer kicked you kicked you out into the alleyway in a puddle. No, where I just performed here, sir. He threw me out. DJ Jazzy Jeff style. Like I was trying to sneak into the backstage area that I belonged in. You signed your last autograph.

He picked you up by the collar of your of your shirt and the small of your back. Said, who do you know here, bro? I was like, who do I know here? I am here. You turned to me. I shook my head. No, when he tossed you through the saloon style doors right into a dust bowl. So this lady, I don't, yeah, I don't know how popular J.I.D. is either. So you're going to be the kind of guy who's just hanging out after the show or not.

Yeah. I mean, I think no matter what, you kind of got to just hope to catch him afterwards. And if you try to get backstage and maybe you can't, but maybe you can at least give him a gift, give him a note. Sometimes people will bring presents that people leave for us backstage also. So like that's a possibility. So this guy is this guy is a million followers on Instagram.

He's pretty popular. So here's what you have to do instead. Just try to enjoy the moment of being there at the show with everyone else. It's already really cool that you're from Israel. This guy's from the States. You guys are going to go to you're going to be at the same show and Berlin. You'll have an awesome time. That's enough. That's really, really good.

And actually, that's enough. It'll be unforgettable and it will be bad unforgettable if you try to give him a present and you can't. So you might as well just commit to to what you have under your control, which is have a really good time. Yeah. No expectations. That's my new answer. All right. Last question.

OK. This guy who will call Sandy Kofax writes, I've got a query only a chipmunk and a man with crab claws can possibly solve. Hey, I've been sexting with this girl. And we were planning on, quote, hanging out pretty soon. But I've recently discovered she has a fairly large bush. This is a huge turn off for me. So is there any way I can hint at her to shave it before hanging out

without being called the total DB? Also, if you were me, would you still hook up or not? Love your boy, Sandy Kofax. Nice. Um, yeah, no, you don't you don't get to tell people what they do with their pubes, unfortunately, for you. How intense is this sexting that he already knows about this before they've hung out? Maybe there's pics being exchanged.

Oh, wow. So unless you're describing in detail, you could thrust your hand through my massive bush. It's like, wait, you took me out of the moment, babe. Yeah, I mean, you can't do anything. There's not anything to do. You either get over it or you don't or you don't hook up with her. Yeah, that's fine, especially not for the first time.

Maybe if you guys have a loving relationship and start talking about grooming habits, you can get to it eventually, but you haven't even met this person yet. Yeah, you're going to need to to learn to love the bush. Yeah, maybe that'd be that that would be the greatest gift of all. You talk about, like, what should I get my friend for Christmas or Hanukkah or whatever, the idea that you can gift someone with some sort of certificate, the ability to love the bush. I think even for a young man to give his mommy, that would be such an amazing gift.

Anyway, Mrs. Hurwitz, thanks for letting me spend Christmas with you guys. I don't know if I can really put this into his stocking, but my gift to you. I might be able to put it into a song. Love the bush. Love the bush. My dad throws a play to you. It was worth it.

It was finally worth it. Jake, hit it. Love the bush. Love that rice. Eat it nice. Eating bushes, lots of lice. Hey, nice. Imagine having crabs during Kwanzaa.

Sorry, man, I'm really fucking high. I don't know what to tell you. Yeah, I know. I tried to hide it. You did an edible before this one. You were sleeping during our mid-show break. You took a two and a half minute power nap, you said. It was so fucking fucked up with me, and I'll never do it again.

Powerful. I'm just. You're sleeping. You're drifting into sleep right now. I'm trying to get acclimated for the New York trip tomorrow, and I'm afraid that I'll be super soaked the entire time. Yeah, you're going to be wet. You're going to be cold.

You missed the one bright day. All right. Thanks so much for listening. Thanks for submitting your questions. If you have your own theme songs or questions of your own, send them all down to ifiroyoushowatgmail.com. For more, if I were you, you can always check out our Patreon, patreon.com slash j a.

That's right. An episode every single week that you can't hear unless you're a member over there. And you can even see it. That's right. Look at us answering questions. If you think this is funny, wait till you see the faces I make. The opening song was written.

All right. That was the Jesse J cover. Jacob K and this closing one. Yeah. Closing one is take your time. Best advice. Yes. Best.

No. Yes. No. Yes. No. No. All right. It's your the it's a goddaughter theme song.

And we've gotten so many requests for Jake to be the godfather of people that this is an actual song. That's awesome. Me and my godchildren really appreciate it. I love all my godchildren with all my heart. Shout out to my don't my boys and girls out there. All my sweet little godchildren, a.k.a. My real children, a.k.a.

I am a godfather and also a real dad. Now this is appreciated. This is Mimi Millard. Thank you for considering my application to be Jake's goddaughter. And I look forward to hearing your adoption attorney very soon. Original song by Mimi and Kai. We're in D.C. Do a show here.

OK, Mimi and Kai. We should and thank you to Jacob K and thank you guys for listening. We'll be back, of course, next week. Always. Ciao, everybody. Peace. I want to be your goddaughter. I really have nothing on me.

I want to be your goddaughter. I really have nothing on me. I would be the code of your adoptions. Renew your passports and be in your bottles. Yeah. I really have nothing on me. Your goddaughter. I want to be your goddaughter.

Oh, she's beautiful. Oh, my God. Mariah has nothing on me. If you want some crazins, man, I got them souped in. Let's all be your best daughter. Yeah. Your goddaughter. I want to be your goddaughter.

Those words were out of context.