If I Were You - 414: Amir on NADDPod

Episode Date: December 23, 2019

Special Holiday episode this week -- it's Amir's debut on Jake's Dungeons and Dragons podcast. And no, you don't have to know anything about Dungeons and Dragons to enjoy the show! So... enjoy the show!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Welcome to a special, a little different, not entirely all new episode of If I Were You. That's right. It's very special because it's not even an episode of If I Were You. Yeah. It's the Christmas week. We didn't want to take a full week off. We didn't want to shortchange anybody. Yeah.

We didn't want to do you dirty like that. But we thought, you know, it would be a good little special bonus episode for people that haven't listened to it yet is me appearing on your Dungeons and Dragons podcast. That's right. So if you've been thinking about checking out the D&D podcast, but you haven't gotten around to it yet, we're about to make life very easy. You don't even have to go into a new feed. It's happening right here in this one.

That's right. And this is kind of like a spin. What do you call it? Like a non-canonical. So you don't have to listen to all 100 episodes. This one is sort of a standalone. Yeah. This one is, it's got some inside jokes, of course, but it is not.

It's its own contained little bottle episode. All right. And it's it's almost two hours of me and then it's Jake Murph, Emily Caldwell playing D&D, which I've never done before. Yes. You are improvising in Dungeons and Dragons for the very first time. And as far as I know, your fans, the NAD pod fans loved it. Yes, they did like it.

You're your character. I can't. I don't want to say anything for fear of spoiling it. But I think everyone everyone should listen because Amir really held up his end of the bargain by appearing on this show and delivering what everybody everybody, I think, out there hoped all along. All right, cool. So this is my episode of NAD pod.

And if you are just Jonesing, fiending for more if I were you, there's always our Patreon. I think there's like 25 video episodes of it. So borrow five dollars from somebody and maybe call it a Christmas gift. You can binge through as many as possible. Very true. This week. Very, very true.

So without further ado, happy holidays, merry Christmas. Happy Hanukkah and Kwanzaa and enjoy. What does it even call? Do you know? Yes, I do. It is a Frostwinds mandatory celebration of maximum luminosity, a somber festival, holiday special with Amir Blumenfeld. Wow. And you just memorized that title.

Yes, I sure did. Great man. Have you seen the there's there's art for your character? No. Yeah, I sent it to you on Instagram, but you got to check it out. Sweet. Check out the video or check out the episode. Then check out the art and we'll be back with a regular episode of if I were you next week, December 30th.

Good shit, guys. Welcome to the campaign after the campaign. This is not another D&D podcast. Welcome back to Bahumia, everyone. I'm your dungeon master, Brian Murphy, joined by Jake Hurwitz. Hard one, sure foot. Emily Axford. Why are you looking at a mirror approval?

Jake literally said hard one, sure. And I'm not of yet. I said good. I wasn't looking for approval. I was looking for the disproval. I'm not even going to do my intro because I'm not going to do my intro. Emily Axford. Man's side, side, and everyone's favorite

Christmas binge, Ken Lin taking them to the Grinch. I can't even do except thinking about Jake looking for approval. I can't stress this enough. It was for approval. And of course, Caldwell Tanner love this energy. Love this chemistry right now. Beverly Togold, the fifth Togold, the first Noel. Very good.

And of course, we have our esteemed guest, Amir Blumenfeld. Hello, folks. I don't do my I'm not doing my care. No, because we don't know your character. God, that was scary. What if I just launched into it? It. That was close.

Learned so much. OK, guys, so this is going to be a non canonical holiday adventure. But it is a holiday adventure. Guys, it is the holiday season in Bahumia. Crickmus and Galataronica are just around the corner. The Band of Boobs have taken a much deserved break from their adventuring to give back to the community. Seems like we're getting a lot of those these days.

Yeah. Moonshine has been reading to the old folks at the Crick volunteering. Ain't that something. Beverly has been volunteering at Soup Kitchens in Outer Esri and hard one even set up the S.S. Stormborn to look like a sleigh then delivered Galataronica presents to Galataron in a confusing combination of faiths.

Sounds about right. So you guys all are sitting around a cozy fire inside your stupendous stump when suddenly a raven flutters in bearing a note. Well, as the local as the druid, I want to make sure I keep hard one away from this animal lest he accidentally kill it. You're a bird. You see, it starts to kind of bounce back animal on me.

I minor illusion a bigger bird. Oh, look at that one. Bird 2.0 is here. Let's go catch it. Forget this scrawny thing. While he's trying to come, give me the note and then flee. You see the raven looks over, shifty eyed at hard one, hops over, hands you a little note,

holds its little like raven leg out so you can untie a little note from it. And then I don't give him a quick petty. Flies away, moonshine. You read the notes and it says, greetings, tall dwarf, rat, dinner lady and rich boy. I hope this note finds you well. I sent it like 10 days ago because I cannot afford expedited shipping. We, the Dwarfens of Frostwind, would like to invite you to our celebration

of Winter Glow, or as the Frostwind government calls it, mandatory celebration of maximum luminosity, a somber festival. The Winter Glow is very important to our people. On the last day of the old year, when the clock strikes midnight, there is a flare in the planar rift that shimmers through the whole sky. It is said that during this time, the barrier between us and the gods is the weakest, so we make wishes for the new year. The ritual is particularly important to us Dwarfens,

but we can explain more when you get here unless you don't come. I understand if you don't, I'm used to being abandoned. Best wishes, Katya, I don't have a last name. Again, I was abandoned. I used to sign all my letters this way as well. Well, tick-tape, but still sign off. I don't have a last name either, you know, I was in a card. Oh, Belnor.

Hey, I'm here, let's not forget old Belnor. Hey, Belnor, I thought Alana's like gave you all your memories back and maybe you do know. That's the one thing I just don't remember is my last name. You just did, when you were re-remembering your life, you didn't peep at the mailbox. Right, yeah. Okay.

Do you want us to brainstorm one for you? No, I think we should get on with it. Yeah, yeah. Okay, hard one. How about taking the sleigh up north, huh? Hey, I'd love to. Anything for these Dwarfens. Yeah.

So you guys take off in your sleigh ship and fly towards the city of Frostwind. As you make your way over the ocean, you feel the weather changing. There's a bit of a nip in the air and you see the first snowflake falling from the sky. Oh, I'm cranky. I try to catch it. Holiday tunes. I try to catch it. In this cup.

Bev, go ahead and give me a dexterity check. Okay. Ooh, that's a 19. Yeah, you catch a snowflake. Yes. Oh, it's very cold. Can I create food and water so that it starts snowing more and maybe also some gingerbread cookies?

Yeah, you start using magic to make gingerbread cookies fall from the sky. You're making gingerbread cookies fall from the sky. Yeah. Complete insanity. They're tearing up the ricking. They're still falling down super hard though. Your ship starts rocking. There's the rudder is going.

We're going down, man. We're going down. We lost the mast. Christ, these cookies are hard as shit. Yeah, they got to be so you can build with them. So eventually you guys are in a consistent snowfall as you get close to where you know frost wind to be. You guys see islands below you of ice as you approach the northern continent.

Finally, you can see the planar rift in the sky atop Mount Forge giving the snow below a purple glow. Gosh, it's beautiful this time of year. Yeah, it really is. Can you eat purple snow? I eat some purple snow. You think it tastes fine. I think it's fine.

Do I have a rash? Yes, but you had it before you had the snow. OK, good, good. So you guys have reached. Wait, it's going away. The gash gave me a rash. I got gas rash. Everyone line up for chapstick right now.

So you guys have reached frost wind, but you came up on it a little sooner than you would have expected. It's night and the city kind of snuck up on you. Normally the city is all lit up and bustling with activity and you would expect it to be even more so with this festival happening. But it is very, very quiet and there are no lights at all in the city. You do not see anyone out on the streets. It is eerily quiet.

It would be pitch black if not for the moon and the planar rift reflecting light onto the snow. So you guys pull into the docks. You see other boats here, but no dwarfs, no bustling city life. All you hear is the crashing of waves and the blow, the winter wind. You guys get the distinct feeling that something ain't right here. Not only from the city, but from inside yourselves. You feel weak as you approach this city.

Hard one, you feel less of a connection to your queen's hammer. Bevan moonshine, you're having a hard time remembering your higher level spells. You have all been D leveled down to level three. Here are your here are your new old character sheets. Let me hand them out. No, it's Christmas. How could you? You fucking Grinch.

Guess how much I like this. You just had these ready to go to my character sheet. Get in the candle and a lid on fire. Guess I'll use my old one. Yeah, lighting the candle. Labor was convenient for this episode. Oh, plus two proficiency bonus. I fall in the ocean.

You might drown if you jump in the ocean. You guys are not good anymore. So I feel I feel even weaker than before. And I've had some weak moments down there. Your ears are just full of gingerbread. Ow, get that out of there. At least I'm taller. OK, I guess I'm going to do some kind of arcana check to figure out what's going on.

Sure, go ahead and roll an arcana check. It's going to be a 10. A 10. Moonshine. Is that purple snow? I'm sure of it. Some ain't right. That's all you get with a 10.

Crick rats back. Oh, I want to see is is hard one back in his human form. No, he's just a weakened, normal version of him. Wow, all right. So I am the same height. Just truly like a beanpole, like a just a very thin Christmas tree. Knock it off. Yeah, it's weird because like I I feel sick, but I still look the same.

But hard one just looks like he lost weight. Yeah, we all we all feel and look the same. I don't look worse than anybody else. There's like nothing there. It's so strange. Can I do a check as well? Actually, I want to test my connection to Pallor. Sure. See if if my religion is still working.

You know how like religion does. Shoot, that's going to be an 11 and 11. You feel that it is significantly weakened. Oh, that you are not as powerful of a paladin as you were. Pallor, what's going on? I'm growing up. Nothing. I don't even hear like some classic carols going on. You hear nothing. Oh, my gosh.

Should we head towards the Dwarvenage? Yeah, I think so. So you guys travel to Frostbite, the poppers area of Frostwind and approach the Dwarvenage, this large, simple warehouse style building. The last time you were here, there were windows boarded up, but that was to patch up the broken glass. You could still see fires burning inside.

This time the windows are completely boarded up and you can't see inside at all. And you see the door at the front is this big iron door and is sealed shut. Do we see anything in the windows? Go ahead and give me a perception check. Another nine. That's going to be a 10. You go up and approach the windows

and you would need to like pry it open to be able to see inside. And I don't have my mage hand anymore. I can pry a window. I'm going to go up and try to pry the window so we can see inside. Sweet. Hard one, go ahead and give me a strength check. Fuck. So that's a seven.

Hard one, you start really struggling with the board. Like it's nailed in there pretty good. You start struggling and as you're struggling, you hear this little sliding peephole like this little grill thing that's on the iron door slide open and you hear a voice go, what are you doing here? We don't have any food. We came for a somber government mandated party.

Hard one, short foot. Summer door for himself. Come in quick, quick, come in. I can't. Someone's I think welded this piece of wood onto the. Oh, no, I just nailed it in. My very weak little brother nailed in here. Let me try.

Go ahead and make a strength check. Nineteen moonshine. Oh, actually, 20. Moon shine. You you rip it off. Please do not do that city. It's very dangerous right now. Put it back, please put it back.

You put it back. You see Katia work on that on that board. Very nice. Katia, this teenaged frost dwarf swings the door open, ushers you guys all in, gives you all a big hug, quickly closes the door. You see this big gymnasium style room lined with bunk beds and a big pyre in the middle of the room, burning to keep them warm. You see dozens of little dwarfens crowd around you as you enter.

Tall dwarf, tall dwarf. You're back, you're back to save us. I'm still tall here. What do you need? What do you need saving from? What's going on? You see Katia stands in front of the younger kids and goes, oh, it's terrible. We've had something very powerful stolen from us and it's become a problem

for the whole city. Our first note took so long to get to you, we didn't have time to tell you about it. So we had to find someone else to help us, but he hasn't been very much help. You see rounding the corner. He's a little gnome. Amir, would you like to describe what your character looks like? OK, he's two foot eleven, three feet tall in heels, gold teeth, balding and a vest.

Is he wearing heels? He is not. OK, just that's. He prefers one inch heels is what I'm saying. That's that's the guy you've been. You paid to help you. We we said that we needed help. He was the only one who came.

OK, hi, what's your name, sir? My name is Hugo. Hi, Hugo. Any questions for me? So many. You've been helping out these door friends. What you've been helping doing? Well, we're trying to find something. And once we do, I, you go will be paid handsomely for I am handsome.

Is anybody else have any questions for me? You said you're trying to find something that you need. We thought we thought he was like an adventurer, like a bounty hunter or something. But he says that he is our agent now and manager. And I don't know the difference. Yeah, so basically started in a rough, but an agent helps, you know, set up meetings and stuff and a manager, which I'm also doing.

OK, one that sort of guides your career going forward. And I think he did help. I actually have another question. One just if you are acting as both agent and manager, why are you differentiating the two roles? I see what you're saying. You think there's like a conflict of interest there? Maybe trust. Well, one second.

Trust me, I, you go. I'm very honest. Yeah, OK. So I answer all questions truthfully. You've introduced yourself three times. Very good, then. Let's all agree that was your name. He's been picking a per diem.

A per diem before he even earns anything. You sound like a I'm sorry. You sound like a mooch. You go. I'm a gnome. Can I ask what clan of gnome you come from? That's a great question. And it could be any clan, correct? So, like, for example, my clan, my clan.

And it is a clan is actually the clam clan. K. L. A. M. The clam clan. Correct. Oh, sure. Right, right, right. You know of the clam clan. What made you, what, what qualifications do you have to protect these dwarfens?

Not protect, not protect. He's not agent in our manager. What do you need an agent or a manager? I guess he brokers deal with you, I guess. Katcha, are you trying to get cast in like a Christmas movie or something? No, it's not a, it's not a talent thing. He just started, he moved in, he started,

he's been living here. I've noticed that they're weak. Okay, what precisely are you managing? I feel like I'm being attacked here. Aye, you go, don't appreciate it. You're supposed to attack whatever's threatening the town, have you done that? I'm an agent of chaos and a manager of expectations.

They're looking for something that will make them stronger, better, faster, older, wiser. And I think I have that. I mean, they'll get older naturally, that's just time, tone. Very well. This guy's onto something. I'd love to give you 1% of my earnings

if you could join the team. I'm listening. You go ink, you're, what is? All right, so what was stolen from us? Yeah, that's what I need to know. Right, yes. That was an artifact called the ring. Don't get into too much detail

because then they're gonna start like snooping around and I don't want them taking my 25%, was it? You got 25%? Well, I'm also their lawyer. What, are you giving yourself different titles? They need to find the thing though. All right, you could tell them because I'm that sure that I will find it

before they do, but continue. All right. 30%. Perhaps you can work together. The ring of good fortune was stolen from us. It grants protection to the Dwarfens here. Every year at Winter Glow, we wish upon the ring to keep our fires hot and our bellies full.

We do not have a lot here, but since we've had the ring, no Dwarfens have starved and no one is frozen. You see that as she's motioning, like as she's speaking, it does appear that there's something magical about this fire. Like her hand is just like hitting the fire and not burning her. And you notice as you guys look around that the windows are all boarded up.

Like this should be a death trap, but that the room is not filling up with smoke. Like this is some kind of magical fire. And she continues and she goes, the ring of good fortune was given to us by Ulfgar when the legendary heroes visited a few years ago. He said that no one should ever wear the ring, that the ring is for all of us.

If we all shared it, it would strengthen us as a collective, but if anyone ever took it for themselves, it would draw strength from everyone around them and give them a terrible power. I immediately check you guys fingers. Go ahead and make an investigation check. I got another 19. 19?

Hugo does not appear to have the ring on him. You've been frisked, Hugo. I can't believe you guys didn't trust me on Hugo. You talk a lot about money and percentages. I just, I've got a little bit of a nose for that. So we fear that whoever has stolen the ring is currently wearing it and siphoning strength from everyone in Frostwind.

Worse, if this person is to have the ring on at midnight and make a wish, we fear that they will make some terrible wish and this will all become permanent. Got it. Hugo, do you have any leads? Now Hugo, yeah. Can't walk us through what you've already asked. You just have to speed.

Do you got a file or like a wall full of like yarn? Yes, I have a file and a wall full of yarn, true. That is correct. Let me ask you this, Amir. Sure. Do you think Hugo has actually been investigating this or do you think that he's just been living here for free? In my mind, Hugo's trying to get the percentage up

to the point where he can like start getting work done. Right now he's just negotiating. Okay, so fully does not know anything. Oh, this is the first time like he's hearing about this. Yeah, they were just like, well, he needs you to find another factor. So you're like, got it, let's talk, let's talk money. Until now it's been mostly start paperwork.

Yeah, now that we're agreeing that I will be helping you, I can get to work. Okay, great. All right. And of course this will be strictly on commission for us. Yeah, you guys will split whatever we all find. There's not really money involved. In the ring?

Yeah, because it's pretty priceless to these, sorry, but fucking dwarfs. Is that safe to say? Oh, if you took the time to say that I'm sorry, why didn't you take the time to omit the fucking? I was gonna say something much worse. Hugo was eating corn. Everybody go ahead and give me perception checks.

Everybody, Amir, go ahead and roll, yeah, roll a D20. Is this your first roll? First roll. First roll, baby. Seven. 17. 18. 11.

So you guys all hear the sound of an engine revving. Moonshine and Bev, you guys also hear the distant shouts of rowdy teens. No. Nasty lads. Oh, am I gonna have to face Rust at a level three? I kinda like putting that kid in this place. Is it those graveyard kids again?

That's what I'm wondering. Or not Rust, what's the kid's name? Rodian. Amir, I'm gonna have to face Rodian at a level three. Hugo, what do you know of Rodian? Not much yet, but I'm able to ascertain that he doesn't sound like a very good man. Wait a minute.

I got an important question. Where were you keeping the ring of good fortune? Me? I wasn't keeping it at all. Yeah, Hugo, why don't you go somewhere else? Sorry, of course. I am three foot one, continue. Boy, why did you do this line? He just slipped into two inch heels.

His height changes every day. Wait, Hugo, you stole those boots from a child. Those are child's boots. I'm a woman's too. Hugo's style. That's with a side of corn. He keeps stealing things from us and saying, Hugo's style.

The yarn for your board is just someone's unraveled sweater. This is cruel. Maybe so. Maybe not. He's just like one cold little door thing. Is that your nest in the corner? We did not give him a bed. He tried to fight one of us and lost.

Hugo's style. You know, despite it all, when he says that, I root for him. It's because I'm small. You get it? You see, Katya goes, I had it in the chest under my bed. Okay. I would like to send Papa to go sniff around the chest.

Cause we met a bunch of people on Frostwind and he's got that keen scent. Okay. By the way, save your 5%. We already have a lawyer. That's true. This is a real lawyer. Who?

I gesture to a possum. Ram, ram, ram, ram, ram. That critters know more of a lawyer than say me. Can I have Papa draft up a contract quicker than Hugo? Can we do a lawyer off? Let's do a lawyer off. Hugo, go ahead and make a, let's just say wisdom check. So just roll raw D20.

16. You see Hugo goes toe to toe with Papa drafting up an agreement. Hugo, I'm sorry. I doubted you and I'm really sorry about that. Wow. You, oh, you go cash for that. Nevermind, he is a bad guy.

It's almost, I gave him cash. It's so opportunistic. I'll take a crisp $50 bill. Wow. Awesome. Go ahead and give an investigator a perception check for Papa as he, he gets advantage when he is sniffing. 16.

Papa runs over to the little chest that was holding the ring, sniffs it, scrambles back to you. He tells you that he smelled Katia, some other kids from the Dwarfenage and some of the nasty lads. Smells like teen spirit. Smells like teen spirit.

All right. Yes, we're headed to the graveyard. Hugo, do you have like anything that, this might get rough. I'm curious if you have any fighting prowess. That's a good question. I have 15 intelligence. That's great.

Is that not strong enough for you, wench? Okay, now. All right, I put him in a headlock. Yeah, I don't think he's fighting. Hugo has a weak neck. Just stay in the back is all I'm saying. Hugo's style, indeed. He might make a worthy sacrifice.

He should come with us. Before we go, I made these sweaters for all of you, but it looks like maybe the Dwarfens could use them a little more. Oh yeah, that's nice. And I pull out some custom sweaters I made for Moonshine and Paw Paw and Balnor and Hard Ones is actually a crop top,

so it fits extremely well to one of the Dwarfens. Oh, this is perfect. I make it range in your bread cookies again. Careful, dodge. Shelter under your bed. Ow, ow, ow. They will pierce the skin. They are sharp.

They are dense. They're very painful. All right, yeah, let's mozi on outside. So you guys go outside and you hear this engine that you were hearing is much louder. You see that there are three nasty Dwarf teenagers messing around in the abandoned streets. Two of them are holding up a de-animated iron dwarf,

this broken automaton robot, while another one, driving a snowmobile, rides at it holding a club. The one on the snowmobile smacks the iron dwarf in the head with the club as it rides by, knocking its head clean off. Hell yeah, man. Destruction, cool as hell.

Break it down, suck it. I do agree with that. And yeah, it is kind of chill. Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom. Just going around in circles. Hey, kiddos. You see they all snap their heads turning towards you and the dude on the snowmobile vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom,

turns it towards you. Oh, hey, what's up nerds? What's up dwarfens? Happy winter glow to you all. Shut up, kid. What up, fam? What are you, who are you? You go.

You're the weird old guy that lives at the dwarf in it. What the hell are you talking about? No, I'm you go. I'm the cool, tall-ish guy who's been hanging out. Tall-ish. You tried to, three for two, but compared to these little guys, this dude tried to come live at the graveyard with us

and we told him to piss off. You wanted to be our agent? You said to live outside, man. What we need an agent for? Where did you get a snowmobile? A guy from the freaking guards, man. I stole it. We kick everyone's ass now.

Now, I mean, I guess I don't really support the guards in their kind of authoritarian state, but like that's stealing. And on winter glow of all days. Yeah, winter glow, man. Also, what makes you so much stronger than the guards these days? Well, see, everyone's power got sucked away,

but we don't really have any power. So now we just kick ass. That's kind of a beautiful story a little bit. Can I check all their fingers? What? I wanna check all their fingers. As you go walk up towards them, two of them pull out daggers

and the one dude that's on the snowmobile holds up his glove and he goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, not another step forward, okay? This is our city now. Right, yeah, yeah. I just came because I wanted y'all to show me those fun teen hand gestures y'all do. Yeah, suck, how do you do suck it?

I can't, you put an X, what is it? It's an X. Go ahead and give me a deception check. Nine. You don't actually have any interest in knowing about degeneration X suck it. You're lying to me and I'm offended. Why, you think I'm not interested in it?

I'm curious how you frame your crotch so perfectly with an X. Fuck you, man. All right, that's enough. You go, get him. Yeah, we throw you go out. Wow. Burry them with paperwork you go.

My best. Bastards. All right, all right, I'm just gonna come, I'm gonna come clean. We are looking for that ring. Go ahead and give me an inside check. Shout out to the two crew. You see they look at each other

and turn back to you and go, ring. Don't know what the fuck you're talking about, man. I believe him. It's like a donut for your finger. Anyway, peace out. When he did the peace sign, did I see a ring on his fingers? He's gone.

All right, fuck it, I'm running to keep up with them and I'm casting locate object on the ring. Okay. If it's within a thousand feet of me and or if it's in motion, I know the direction of its movement. I know the direction of the object's location. You see this dude basically left two of his friends

in the dust, hey, fucking the way it up, man. They're running after the snowmobile. You can't keep up with the snowmobile. Snowmobile fully gets away. But it wouldn't be a thousand feet away from me. He does not have the ring on him. You do locate object, you do not find the ring. I guess we beat up the two remaining teens.

Everybody go ahead and roll initiative. There's my fucking knack 20. There it is. What a bullshit to waste it on. Shout out to the two crew. What did you go get? Tell us, Hugo. Hugo rolled an 18, but I'm also down to get brunch.

Good to know, good to know. I don't know if you guys have eaten today at all. We had a lot of very stale gingerbread. I got a 13. You had that, so you got a 22. Oh, even better. Whoa, goodness. Hugo's still eating corn.

Hugo, you are first. So you have the weapons you have on you. You have a rapier, which is a sword, and you also have a short bow. The dude on the snowmobile is still in range to shoot with the short bow, and these two other dudes that are on foot have drawn daggers.

You also seem to be wearing very sharp stilettos. I'm three foot four now, yes. Why did you say short bow with such an emphasis on short? Hugo didn't appreciate that. He'll be using the sword then. Sweet. So you wanna just go after one of the dudes that's not on the snowmobile?

That's right, I'm going after one of the dudes that's not on the snowmobile. So you actually, as a rogue, the path that you have, you can roll two D20s and you pick the higher one as you attack, because you're catching them off guard because you're acting before them. Let's write a shifty little Hugo.

23. 23, sweet. You super hit, so you roll with sneak attack, you roll a D8 and two D6s. Oh, this is so cute. Yeah, look at this. Jake, this is what you were like. Oh, you roll well.

12. Plus four, so 16. Hugo, we have a saying on that pod. It's finish him, describe how you kill this thing. No, you can also just knock him out if you want. It's winter gloves. So I have a sword, right? So I sort of stab him through the nostril.

Some sort of kabob. And then I stare at everybody else, being like, you guys really wanna fuck with me now? You guys thought I was a nobody. You guys say Hugo stabs a rapier through this Frost Dwarf's nose and then just pulls out kabob part of his brain. Yeah, man, anyone can kill a Dwarven.

What? She's a teenage dwarf, man. Oh, fuck man, you killed them, dude. I got blood on my vest for this. Yeah, we tend to just concuss the teenager. I see. The moonshine, that's your turn. How far away is the snowmobile?

I'll say it's about 80 feet away now. 80 feet away, then I am going to... Hugo doesn't have any cards. Hugo's played all of it. Hugo's just got a bloodthirst, apparently. Hugo's kind of a maniac. I mean, you're strangely efficient at what you're doing, but stop, please.

Oh, Hugo, you can also, as a bonus action, so basically at the end of your turn, you can roll to hide so that nobody can attack you now. Would you like to do that? Yes, I would like to hide. Okay, go ahead and roll a d20. Okay. He's so capable, I hate this.

I'm a slippery little Hugo. So it'll be 11 plus your stealth, which I think is eight. Great, 19. So you got a 19, so you just see Hugo disappears into the snow. Bye for now. All that's left is this ear of corn. Oops, I pick it up and drag it down into the snow with me.

It was absolutely finished. I'm gonna run within range of the snowmobile and then cast heat metal on it. Nice. So that the little thing has to bail. Okay, sweet. You cause the object to glow red hot. Any creature in physical contact with the object

takes two d8 fire damage. When you cast a spell, until the spell ends, you can use a bonus action on each of your subsequent turns to do the damage again. Okay, go ahead and roll your two d8 of damage. 11. Moonshine finished him. Okay, what I would like to do is I would like to

heat it in a way that he accidentally, that he falls over in a way that ankles the snowmobile towards me. Sweet. So that then I can jump on, knock him out, throw him over my back and now I'm riding the snowmobile. That's insane. Go ahead and make an arcana check.

An arcana check? Yeah, see how well you're able to use a spell. Five. Five, oof. Moonshine, you heat this snowmobile, he goes, ah, oh my ass, it's all fucking mom, it's burning me, it's fucking burning me. You see, he's all steaming up,

crashes super hard into a brick wall and just brains himself on the wall and just rolls off. Oh, I'm so hurt. I'm pretty sure that was just a concussion and that I didn't kill him. I'm so hurt. Oh, he is still alive, but they didn't finish him. This is bad karma.

Don't worry, I'll come heal you, okay? Winter glow, right? That is Bev's turn. All right, I guess is the- There's just one left. Is the one that you go brained still alive? No. Even if I touch hands with them?

No. Then I guess I rush over to the one on the snowmobile and I'll try and heal them. Okay, sweet. And then I guess as a, I guess that's my action, so yeah, I'll touch hands with them. So you're gonna do a lay hands? Okay, so how much of your, you only have like 10 now.

Oh gosh, 15. Level three, so you have 15. I'll give them five just to stabilize them. Sweet, you heal them up and you just like kind of hurt. I don't think you're correct at all, but I'm sorry about this. Oh, thanks man, appreciate it. Uh-huh, I check his fingers.

That is the dwarf, you check his fingers, he does not have a ring on him. That is the dwarf's turn. That one is going to try to stab you, Beverly, with a dagger. What? Oh, come on. That is a 19 a hit.

Oh, shoot, that does hit now, sweet. Maybe you were right, Hugo. Hugo style. Five, five damage to you, Bev. Where is he? Okay, you see. I don't know, the snow baby's talking to me. Gets onto the snowmobile, other dwarf runs up,

tries to stab you with a dagger, natural three misses, hops onto the back of the snowmobile. So hopefully he was broken if it ran into a brick wall. I'm gonna roll a raw luck check to see how well the snowmobile is holding up. I'll roll it in front of hard one here so we can keep me honest. The higher the better for these guys.

That's a 15. That's a lot. I'm gonna say it's sputtering and fucked up. It has slowed down. It is at half speed, but these guys are able to ride away for 60 feet. That is hard one's turn. Who's near me, a dwarf?

One is dead, two of them are on the snowmobile together riding away. Can I throw a throwing axe at some vital part of the snowmobile? Yeah, we'll just chug it at the snowmobile. Thank you, hard one. It's only a 12. That misses, you're just like throwing way overhead.

I have a second attack, right? No. I don't have two attacks. That is Balnor's turn. Balnor's gonna throw a javelin. Maiming for a leg, but I can't promise anything. Balnor misses, just way overthrows the javelin. That is you go's turn.

Fucking have been out. Save us, you go. You have a bow, you can shoot them with a bow. Ask me nicely, bitch. Can I punch you, go. All right, what do I roll? Just d20. One.

You go, shoot some self in the foot. Oh no, run through your heel. Moonshine, that's your turn. All right, heat metal is within 60 feet, so I run even closer to it and bonus action. It's still going. It's still hot, right? Okay, so bonus action, they each take two d8.

Jesus. That's gonna be 10. Yeah, give me all hot ass. Once again, they both fall off of the snowmobile and it crashes into a wall. They're both just unconscious. Can I do another arcada check to try to steer it in my direction?

13. 13, it starts to turn, it just capsizes and rolls over and is vaguely pointed in your direction. These kids are both knocked out. So you guys are out of combat. Let's go scoop up them youngins. Yep, this was humiliating.

You go. Yes, I knew you'd ask me something, like it's my fault. No, actually, I'm seeking your counsel, your lawyer, right? Yes, but I charge six percent now. I've just been promoted. Six percent of what?

You want me to pick these youngins' pockets and give you six percent of what I find? You get such a high percentage and you're sleeping on the abandoned building. You pick these kids' pockets. What's in there? A lot of gold. Oh, what?

They each have like 90 golds on them. And like just random jewels and shit. I thought it was gonna be like dental floss. Do they have any corn on them? They don't have any corn on them. I'm sorry, we can't give you six percent. They don't have any corn. Well, I'll take the gold then.

All right, I guess the deal's a deal. I give them six percent of that gold. Hell yeah. I made $75 off this lady. I feel bad about this. All right, here we go. They have a suspicious amount of money on them. Yeah, you go.

Okay, I was gonna ask you if you thought we should just kill these teens, but let's just take this snowmobile to the graveyard where they hang out, right? Can we wake one of these fuckers up and ask them where they got the gold? Let's hog tie them, wake them up. Okay, you hog tie the nasty lads, you wake them up.

You see one of them wakes up and goes, oh fuck, you kicked my ass, man. You made my snowmobile hot. This one killed our friend. You got damn right, I made it hot. No, she made it hot. You, you unceremoniously murdered their friend and then hit him in the snow.

He had all the time in the world to turn his life around. Can you tell us a little bit about the youngin' that you go off in a nicer remembrance? Yeah, well, he was rad as hell. He basically would go around and usually dwarfens have a soft spot for other dwarfens. He didn't, he would like kick smaller kids

and take their stuff. That was like one of his favorite things, was just like, all right, there's dwarfens in the dwarfenage are sleeping, let's go kick in the door and kick some kids while they sleep. So look, Hugo, you got lucky on that. Hugo is rich.

Hugo is intuitive. And Hugo is justice. We're teaching Hugo. Hugo's only being like validated by everything. Hugo feels three foot seven now. He's on top of the world. He did change shoes again. I'm standing on four years of corn.

Where did you get those fuck me boots, Hugo? Oh, he, oh, he robbed that store I see now. That's right. It was a Hugo boss if you want, if you must now. Yeah, Hugo's full name is Hugo boss. Hugo boss clam. Boundar, would you like either of those to be your last name?

No. Okay. Just checking. All right, all right, youngins, take us to the ring. Take us to the ring? We know you have the ring, take us to the ring. Y'all have too much money on you. No, this is normal amount of money for us to have.

No, it is. I ain't telling you shit. I slap him. Oh, God, make an intimidating check with advantage. Nat 20, bitch! Yeah! As soon as he gets slapped, oh! You hear him fart and shit himself?

Don't slap me, ow! Okay, look, we don't have the ring. Ruskak has the ring, okay? And you guys remember Ruskak was the like head of the nasty lads who were that like all that bone armor that he stole from the mausoleum. Bone boy, yeah. And he was like a little punk.

This kid continues and he goes, we snuck into the Dwarvenage and Ruskak took the ring. And he said that he was going to wish at midnight for everyone else to be super weak so that we would be the strongest. And also, ring is making Ruskak super strong. We live in the castle now, dude.

So Ruskak is in the castle? Ruskak is the freaking king, dude. I gotta tell you something. Dude rules, he's a legend, man. You are making a mistake investing in this guy. You know he's just gonna wish for himself to be strong and y'all gonna be in the dust. Y'all are gonna be working for him.

But do we get to ride around on snowmobiles? Yeah, it rules. Okay, all right. It doesn't rule that much here. Your buddy just got murdered by my buddy. Yeah, you go style. By the way, if she hurt you, I can represent you against her.

That was assault. I actually, yeah, I would depreciate that. And who's gonna represent you in your murder trial? Oh, very coy, very cunning. All right, trial's off. That's a mis-trial. Let's get brunch. We'll talk about it later.

I would like you to defend me against yourself. I would like to charge you with the murder of my friend. No, no, no, forget I said anything. I really think you guys should settle. Ragnarok, was it? Me? The king? The king, Ruskak.

Ruskak? Sorry, I'm just trying to parse all these clues together. What clues do you need? He's the one. Everything's been solved. Hey, stop talking. Let's go see this guy. I have a feeling he's got the ring.

We were told explicitly that he has the ring. Yeah, it's not a feeling, it's a confirmation. All right, follow me. I guess I follow in line, I follow in line. Go ahead and make a raw intelligence check. All right. Hugo's confidence is infectious. Should be plus two.

Okay, so 12. 12, you guys see, Hugo starts heading vaguely in the direction of the castle, like taking the long way. But he is going in the right direction. Hey, boss? Yes? Actually, I know a shortcut if you wanna not waste time.

It seems like a long way to walk in those heels. They don't hurt as much as they think you think they do. All right, let's do the shortcut. Bright blue. It was that way before I put the heels on. Let's take the shortcut, but I'm still in charge. Yeah, sure. Sweet.

You guys sneak through the city, patting lightly through the snow. You see several more de-animated iron dwarves as you travel. You can assume that once Ruskak had this ring, it sucked all the arcane power out of the city. So these automatons are no longer operational. I mean, that's kind of a good thing, right? Yeah, they were pretty bad.

They were kind of a police state. Yeah. Can I do an arcana check to see if we can instill them with power and make them our friend? Sure. That's going to be a 18. You have enough arcane knowledge to know that you do not have enough arcane knowledge to do that.

You would need to be like an arch wizard to make a robot. I whisper, kill you, go. And nothing happens. Yeah, they're broken. They're totally broken. Weird. I thought maybe I could put like a first level spell in it and it would be like, you know,

to become my friend. So the city already made one good friend today. Why would we ever need more? Right, you go. Who? Oh, right, yeah. No, totally. Who go?

Who though? Who though? Let you go. Oh, he's going to use that. That's the billboard for his law office. Hurt? Who though? You go.

Who goes the boss? So the city is still extremely quiet until you reach the cold iron keep. You once again hear the sound of some kind of vehicle going through the snow and you hear many nasty teens goofing around. You guys sneak up, you see that the castle is surrounded by a tall iron fence

but the gate has been broken and hangs open. In the castle courtyard, there is a mural to the three original Dwarven kings but you see that this has been vandalized. There are around 16s messing around in the courtyard here as well as one riding around on a snow plow. Just like ramming it into the mural. This is funny and sacrilegious.

Yeah, do the roll. As far as the castle itself, it's two stories tall but the first story is very tall. The first story looks like a gothic castle built of black stone and iron. There are spires shooting out of the tops of the guard towers with busts of Dwarven kings and big stained glass windows.

You see the castle narrows as it gets up to the second story which is an all glass room with thick panes that connect windows in an octagonal shape. It basically looks like a big lantern. So you guys can think of the castle like a square with a guard tower at each of its four corners and little walkways between them. You can see teens on the walkways up there.

Guys, go ahead and give me your perception checks. I'll tell you how much you see. Good Lord, six. 13. 11. 19 plus something. Nice, just 19 for your, because you don't have plus to wisdom, I don't think.

You guys run in the show. You go, you look up and you see that in these guard towers. They have these big ballistas, essentially these giant crossbows. And you see that at each of the two towers at the front of the castle, there are two teens manning them. And you see throughout the walkways

between the second story towers, you see kids walking around with like rock slings. What do you see, Hugo? Well, it's not good for you guys. It's a series of security figures, teenagers, crossbows, slings, the full nine. There's nine, there's 19s? No, not 19s, the whole nine yards is what I meant.

The walkways, it looks longer than nine yards. Yeah, like I said, these are all, who is this kid? So yeah, so Hugo sees these ballistas up in the towers, and you guys see about a dozen teens between the ones that are up on the walkway and in the towers and out front here. Okay, then maybe we just split up, two of us go to one tower,

two of us that go to the other. We hopefully take the towers in the walkway and then can rain down fire upon these ones around the snowmobile after. So I think the goal, that would be my goal. I like that goal, I'll go with Hugo. Okay, Hugo. Me and this blind buffoon will go first.

Blind buffoon, wish me luck. I mean, you saw your perception, sorry. I shouldn't get into it. What are you talking about? He couldn't see anything on the towers, you guys have to rely on me. I obviously have better eyesight. You stole binoculars from that store.

You're also wearing platform shoes. All right, let's go. Okay, so you guys are splitting up two and two to both towers, sweet. So you guys are basically gonna try to scale the wall and get up to the towers. Can we get over to the towers without the teens in the yard seeing us?

You'll need to do stealth checks. Okay, so I'll say hard one and Hugo are going over to the left, sneaking through the courtyard, trying to have the teens not catch them. Let's have you guys roll your stealth checks first. Very, very quiet, Hugo. 12, I got a nine. Okay, these teens do not have good passive perception.

You guys successfully get by the ones that are in the courtyard. I guess there is a snow plow going off, so. Yeah, yeah, it's just super loud, super rowdy teens. I'm gonna roll. Oh, while I'm stealthing, I go into symbiotic entity. Nice. Okay, moonshine goes into symbiotic entity.

I look like a mushroom woman now. Got it, not good to know. I'm gonna roll two pure luck checks. Ten or higher, the teens in your tower are paying attention. And that means they'll do a perception check to actually look for you instead of it just being passive. So I'm gonna roll in front of you, Jake. Nine, that one is not paying attention.

You see one of the ones up by the ballista just keeps talking to the other one. Yeah, man, she was super hot. We were like hanging down stuff, it was pretty cool. I'm listening very intently. The other one gets an 18, so he is diligent. Shut up, dude, we have a job to do. Protect Ruskak, Ruskak rules.

He's gonna go ahead and make a perception check to try to see you guys. The lower one was you hard one, you got a nine. That is a natural five, he does not see you. So you guys get up to the tower. I turned sideways, I'm very thin. Guys, go ahead and give me athletics checks to, or acrobatics for you go if you would like.

Out of my way, you go, watch this. That's, oh god damn it, that's a nine. A nine? Seven. He did roll a natural one. He rolled a natural one. Okay, you guys both need to roll new stealth checks because you guys are making noise

as you climb up the tower, you cannot do it. The first you little shit. That is a, that's an 11, 18. Okay, you guys break off a few bricks as you're climbing, but the dude above you guys does not see and he seems to be the only one that is paying attention. You guys begin climbing up the towers. Bev and Moonshine, you guys are going to the other one.

You guys go ahead and give me stealth checks. I will tell you right now, these guys have a passive perception of eight. So you got to beat an eight. Okay. Oh god. I got a seven. Seven, I got an 18.

All right, fuck it, cannot wild shape into a bird. Not yet, you're going to have to roll initiative. So you go and hard one as you guys are climbing up the towers. You see Moonshine and Bev make a break for it and start running for their tower and you see one of the teens looks over and sees them and goes, oh, we got fucking company here, man. You see the snow plow backs up and goes,

rum, rum, rum. That's the kid making that noise. Yeah, man, fucking boom, boom, boom. Everybody go ahead and roll initiative. You don't have to make the noise. Boom, boom. 23. Seven.

17, eight. So hard one, you are first. Nobody has seen you yet. Am I up on top of the tower or am I still climbing? You have not made it all the way to the top of the tower. I will say if you would like to use your movement, you can get to the top of the tower. I'm going to try to get to the top of the tower

and throw one of the kids off. Jesus. Go ahead and make an athletics check. I'll say 15 or higher. You can make it up there with your movement. We're killing on Cricmus. That's a 25. Jesus, yeah, you scramble up to the top of the tower.

You see two kids up there at this ballista. They are looking forward. They do not see you right now. I'm going to, can I drop kick them both off the tower? I will say you can make an attack with disadvantage if you do that. Fucking hell yeah. Okay.

Roll two, pick the lower one. If you hit their ACL, allow it. 14. They do not have high armor class. Yeah, not them. You run over, double drop kick. Oh fuck no, it's so fucking high up here man. Suck balls off.

You see these two dwarves fly off the tower and just crash into the snow with a sickening crunch. You go taught me to kill teenagers. Whoa, not like that fucking animal. I recorded that, I have that on record. Oh no, not me swearing. High alert everywhere. The dwarves are all freaking out.

The one in the snowmobile is going to ride at you moonshine. Moonshine, I'm going to need you to give me a dexterity saving throw. Okay. Bev, you got that thing plus four or is that, do you have that in the middle? No, I don't have that yet. We are out in the cold.

18 bitch. 18. Moonshine, this one team riding the snowmobile rides at you, puts the shovel down, tries to scoop you, you roll out of the way. There are, there are five more down here. Three of them are going to go after you moonshine and two of them are going to go after Bev.

One of them hits you moonshine for five and then the other two kids go after you Bev. One of them hits for three. Cool. There are four up top on like the walkways. The four in the one walkway are going to run over to the ballista that hard one is at and take some swings at him.

First one hits, second one misses, third one misses, fourth one gets a 15 a hit. My AC is 16 right now, baby. That is three damage hard one. Then the ones up in the tower are going to shoot a ballista down at, we'll say Bev because the snow plows going after moonshine. That's an at one.

They fucking full on break the ballista. They, oh fuck dude, oh this looks so expensive, shit on me man, fuck. You gotta read the manual. Bev, that is your turn. Oh, cool. I'm near the, it's a plow, right? Yep.

Can I just run up the plow and try and launch myself into the cockpit to stab the person in there? They have three quarters cover. So it's going to be a little hard to hit them but they don't have good AC. Oh, so I'm trying to stab into them. Commandere the snowmobile. Yeah, we got to clean up these streets.

19 to hit? A 19 does hit. Go ahead and roll your damage. Oh, it's so little. 10 damage. You stab into it. You incapacitate this kid. Snow plow just keeps like rolling forward

as he rolls over on the wheel. I guess I'm gonna try and get in there. Sure. Yeah, go ahead and give me an acrobatic check. Oh, that's gonna be a six. Sweet. You try to scramble into the helm. You can't do it all in one turn

but you are getting into position for next turn. That is Hugo's turn. Hugo, you are climbing this tower chaos all around you. All right, I continue climbing up the tower. Sweet, go ahead and make an acrobatics check. Okay. Can I lower my hand and try to help him up? Sure, yeah, I'll allow this.

Go ahead and roll with advantage. Roll two and pick the higher one. Come, Hugo. 22. Sweet, you scramble up, hard one reaches his hand down, you take it and he pulls you up. You see that there are four dudes up here stabbing at hard one with daggers.

Holy shit, I didn't need your help but thank you. You want to attack one of these guys? I don't know, I feel kind of bad about the braining the other day. It was two minutes ago, man. Sorry, my whole sense of time is all warped because of the braining. Okay.

I just killed two of these fuckers. Really? Yeah, holy shit, you're worse than me. Okay, I'm gonna try to defeat a few other teens. Sweet sake of the team. Sweet. I can't even try to. Yeah.

So you don't get to roll with advantage this time you just roll regular. Okay. And again, let me know about brunch. Dude, I'm starving. You've had so much corn already. 16. You super hit.

Go ahead and roll two D6s and a D8. 15. So we have a cleave rule, which means that if you do enough damage to one, you can go into another one, so you can kebab three of them. I guess you could say I'm hungry for kebab. I kebab three of them.

You see, Yugo stabs three of them. Through the nostril? Start sending height order. And Yugo takes the lead again. Four teens to two, brother. I have to be honest with you, I don't think I've ever killed anyone before. I've got a freaking out hard one.

I never told you by name. I'm more of a shyster than a murderer. Never. Would you like to hide or anything, Yugo? Yes, please. Okay, roll a stealth check. How do I do that? Just D20.

26. So he just disappears again. Commits murder and disappears. Yugo, it gets easier. We're, Jesus. You abandoned me. I'm shiny. All right, moonshine, that is your turn.

You see, Bev is working on getting the snowplow, and then there are five other dudes down here. Yeah, so we're all up and we're all scrunched together. So I'm going for the middle one, and I'm gonna ice knife them. Which means every creature within five feet of him, which is gonna be all the other four, will, it's gonna, I'm gonna make a range attack.

Whether I hit or miss, everyone's gonna take 2D6 cold damage. Geez, do they make any kind of roll? Dex save or something? Yes, they do. They make a dex save or take 2D6. So I'm going to, I'm gonna fucking miss. I'm not gonna hit him.

Fails all around though. Yeah. Everyone takes three cold damage. Why am I rolling like dog shit? I fucking am never getting leveled down ever again. How dare you Murph. And then I'm gonna spores one of them for six more. Geez.

Yeah, moonshine, you do your ice knife, you take three of them down to two HP, your spores will allow the cleave roll, you take another three of them out. Yes. There's one left. I mean, that's my turn. And that is Balnor's turn.

Balnor runs up, you nasty lads. Shoot him. He's gonna run up and Balnor hits. They're playing grab ass, Balnor. Everybody knock it off. Balnor hits one with the butt of his sword and knocks him out. They're ruff housing on quick miss, Balnor. The ones down here.

Balnor's knocking him out. It makes me look bad. The ones down here are all knocked out. That is back up to hard one. Hard one, you see that there are two still up here on the Ballista at like the right tower. And then you see there are two towers in the back of the castle.

One of them is abandoned and one of them has two dudes on it. And you see like four more dudes running down the pathway, trying to get to you guys. Got it. So the closest folks to me are the ones running towards us. Actually, go ahead and give me a perception check as well.

14. You're a little bit distracted by all the kind of chaos around you, but you do see that now that you're up in this tower, you have a better view of the second floor here and all of this glass. And you can see that this looks to be some kind of King's quarters or something,

like somewhere where somebody would sleep. And you see that there is somebody sitting in a chair, facing away, like looking towards the rift in the material plane. Can I jump on? Can I jump through it? Try to jump through the glass? Yeah.

Yeah, go ahead and give me a strength check. That's our boy. Sweet. Later, you go. Shout out to the two crew. Oh. Oh. And I don't have any luck points.

Hard one. This is so sad. I miss Paw Paw's help actions. Hard one, you rush forward, try to action movie, jump through the window and take one damage and just face plan on it and just bounce back and fall prone onto the tower. Oh, fuck me.

I'll say that's your movement, but you can still make an attack if you'd like. Oh, sick. But I'm down by the glass now? You're like up in the tower and then the glass is like eye level with you now. Great, I'll swing my axe at the glass. Sweet.

Gotta test the shoulder first. 13 damage or 13 to hit? 13 is not good enough to hit to do damage to it. You would assume that this would be pretty hard to break. This is the king's quarters after all. That is the dwarves turn. You see the two that broke the ballista are just gonna pull out rock slings

and try to throw rocks down at, I guess Bev as he's trying to climb into the snow plow. One hits and the other one crits. Cool, great job. The one who crits does a big seven damage. Happy winter glow. And the other one does four damage. So 11 damage total.

You start getting pelted with rocks. Cut it out. As you go in. These damp teens. This is supposed to be a damp piece. Yeah. Mandatory piece. You know how that works.

All is calm, all is bright by the law. And then hard one, you saw that there were some on the walkway like running towards you from the back towers. They are going to approach you and I'll take cracks at you. So there are four of them. First one misses, second one misses.

Third one hits. Fourth one misses. Total of four damage. Sweet. That is Bev's turn. Okay. I guess I'll try and go ahead and get into the snow plow. Sweet.

Yeah, baby. All right. Do I need to make a roll for that? Nope, you're in the snow plow. Can I get a sense of the controls? Go ahead and give me an intelligence check. That's an eight. An eight.

I feel like Bev would have ridden a snow plow before. It is pretty easy for you to get like the accelerator going and moving. You don't know quite how to use like the shovel as a weapon or how to use anything, but you're, you're riding around. Yeah. I'm going to try and ram the snow plow into the tower

to try and make it crumble. Oh, okay. Sweet. Go ahead and make an attack roll for the plow. All right. And I will apply its stuff. Plow, plow, plow. Come on, plow.

Oh, Pelor, grant this plow your holy light so that it may mess up some teens real bad. That's a seven, plus five, 12. Okay. So you got a 12. Okay. So they are going to do a DC 12 dex check. You go and hard one also have to do this. Uh-oh. Sorry, hard one.

You go. Yeah, 16. I rolled an 11. Hard one, you and two of the dudes fall off the tower into the soft, soft snow. Yay. Hard one, you take 10 damage as you hit the ground hard. Oh, I thought the glass hurt.

Two of these teens go down. Bev, you feel hard one just crash into the top of this snow plow that you're driving. Sorry, buddy. It's all good as long as we kill two teenagers. We've got to work on your reasoning. You go, that's your turn. You've got two dudes up here with you.

All right. Time to hurt them. So just roll a d20 and then you roll a d8 if you hit. Woo. 18? 24. 24. So just roll a d8.

He wasn't kidding about you go style. Opa, you go style. It's back. Six. Six, okay. You take another one down. There was just one up here with you. Would you like to hide?

Yes, please. Go ahead and roll d20. Coward. I'm a slippery man. You go says bye-bye. How can we not see him? His vest is so bright. Yeah, 17.

Sweet. You go hides pretty well. Moonshine, that's your turn. His blood is blending in with the vest. Can I get up to the tower? Go ahead and make an athletics check. 17. 17, Moonshine.

I'll say it's gonna take your action and your movement to get to the top. Okay, but can I get at least within 60 feet? Certainly, yeah. All right, then I'm just gonna thorn whip one of those little bitches out of there. Oh God, okay. One of the ones up by the ballista.

The broken ballista that's slinging rocks. 12 hit. A 12 does hit. Yeah. All right, you whip him out. He's gone. He flies off the tower. Ah, no.

I spores him on the way down just to make sure he's dead. You go taught me this. Jesus Christ, you guys, this is getting way out of control. I thought we would just like steal some coins and now I've killed you. God, I feel like 15 people.

This is Balnor's turn. He pulls out a javelin. I got him, you go. Oh no, no, watch out. He throws the one that's here. You go style. You go style, Balnor. No, I'm not a murderer.

He got a two, whips past you go's head. Ah, Jesus Christ. What have you done to my friends? That's back up to hard one's turn. Where am I? I've fallen from the tower. You're like on top of the snowplow with Bev. Oh shit, I could have also,

if I'm, I could have also bonus word healing, healing word, hard one. Yeah, might as well. Might as well. Thank you. It's gonna be a nine. Awesome, I love that. Thank you very much.

Sweet, hard one. You still see two that are up on like the second level. One is up in the tower and one is up in the other tower with Hugo. Got it. Help me. You're bad at hiding, Hugo. Goodbye.

I'll throw my, I can't get there in this turn. You can throw a javelin. Yeah, I'm gonna try. I don't think I have a javelin at this point, but I have a throwing axe. Throwing axe is fine, same thing. Yeah, I'll throw, I'm gonna throw a throwing axe at that guy.

Nat 20. My curse doesn't apply in this. No, it does. That is really funny that you've been rolling in the hole. You can't not, you can't not destroy him. You, Axe flies up, hits him in the chest. It pales him through the nostril. It pales him through the nostril.

And then Hugo flies off of the tower. Do not wake me, that's liability. That's Hugo style. We go down for these war crimes together, Hugo. We are finding the nearest confession booth after this, and we're all cramming in there. You'll never, you guys will never see me again. You're murderers.

That is this last worst turn that is on the other tower. Hugo showed me the light. He is going to run. He just takes off running away. Moonshine, don't go towards Hugo. He's not gonna take an opportunity attack from Hugo. I know, he's on the other tower. He was slinging rocks at people.

Don't worry, Hugo, I got him. Please do not hurt him. That's best turn. That's my nephew. You do look like someone's uncle. I'm two foot 10. Do I see Hugo? You're wearing flats, Hugo.

He took the heels off of your posture. He's wearing so many shoes. Is the door to the base level of the castle open? Yeah, I want to drive the plow inside. Sweet. Bev, as you enter, go ahead and make an intimidation check. Ooh, that's gonna be a 21. Jesus.

Bev, you crash the snow plow through the archway. It breaks off some of the stone and makes room for you. You start riding into the first level of the castle here. You see that it's this great hall that's already been destroyed. You see they've broken up the giant oak tables and have just made big pyres. You see that there were like seven nasty lads here

fucking around. They see the plow. Kalu Kalei, mother truckers. Oh fuck, we have the kid. You see seven of these kids just start diving out windows and running in. I'm laying on the horn. You lay on the horn.

Wait, is hard one still on the roof? Oh yeah, he can be. Yeah, hard one's just hanging onto the roof. Move, move. The nasty lads ditched this first level. There's nobody else down here. Awesome. So you guys are effectively out of combat.

Let's call this little Rusk Gak motherfucker down here. Yeah. Oh yeah. Get him out of his comfort zone. Rusk Gak, Rusk Gak, Rusk Gak, Rusk Gak, Rusk Gak. Rusk Gak. Come join us, you go. Hard one, can you get higher? Rusk Gak, we got the necklace of good fortune.

You guys here, no response. All right, okay, I guess we have to go to him. Can I look at my amulet as a bonus action? Sure, cool. Can I take a little gander at that? Actually, I'll wait. Amy Gander. It's just one hip dive at this point.

Nevermind, then I will take a look. Oh, you saw him, right? Yeah, I saw him. So you guys all meet up. You guys are on the first level now. Do we see like stairs leading up to the second level? Yeah, you can go up there through the tower. Yeah, it looked like Rusk Gak to me.

All right, you go. Yes. Dispatch us, give us a rousing speech to inspire us to battle. Well, whatever I felt ferocity until I saw you murder a teen through his nostril. Please don't recall that with such vivid detail. That's gonna haunt me for the rest of my life. I wanted to steal some cash from these dwarves.

What ended up happening was me murdering four teenagers and assisting in the death of countless others. I'm no hero. I'm a lugo or loser going away. Goodbye. No, I don't know. I'll see you here, okay? Glad he feels bad about it at the very least.

Yeah, you give us the order, we're gonna go. Let's do this. Okay, all right. You don't wanna say let's you go? Let's you go. Can I pick pocket a couple of cheese on the way? Wait, so just I'm going or? Okay, so you guys rush up the tower.

But we're sneaking, we're stealthing. You're sneaking, okay. Everybody go ahead and give me stealth checks. 14. Nine. 20, not net. Wow, 16. Sweet, so you guys sneak up.

Moonshine, you're being a little noisy. Sorry, y'all. She had beads for dinner. Yeah, pop off farts. Man. Papa, don't respond to your own fart. Man, he scares himself. Papa, don't blame it on Moonshine.

Man. Man. Papa, play it cool when you pass it. Man. Papa's yapping as you guys sneak up the tower. You enter the second floor. You see there is no fire here, no light, other than the eerie purple glow from the rift piercing

through the windows of the satrium. You see that this was clearly the king's chambers. There's a bed, some bookcases, a large reading chair facing out towards the mountain with a view of the rift. You see a large burly dwarf in armor made of bones, facing away from you, looking at Mount Forge. And as you guys sneak up, you hear him. You've made enough noise.

You see his head leans back a little bit. And in this voice that is, sounds almost demonic. Like he's been taken over by this kind of like arcane energy. You hear him go, it is almost midnight. Almost time to make my wish. I am already the strongest in Frostwind. And soon I will be the strongest in all of Bohemia. I rule, I kick ass, you guys suck.

Well, maybe you haven't met our friend, the child killer. That's honestly more a nickname than anything else. We call him the teen cleaner. Wee teen cleaner. Shove a child by accident earlier today. Fies the teens and cleans them up. You see Ruskak stands up and turns around. He always wore this armor that was made of bones

that he stole from the mausoleum. But now he is unnaturally buff. And it's way too small for him. You see that there are huge gaps in the armor through which nearly translucent skin pokes out. Huge muscles with straining unnatural veins. Arcane energy crackles around him and his eyes glow purple.

You see the ring. It is this ring of blackened iron glowing with the same light. It looks like it would be quite difficult to get off. You see where the ring is on his finger looks to be the same width as like it always was. But he's got like big meaty giant hands on either side, just super puffy.

Hard one. He stole your bulk. You're right. Everybody go ahead and roll initiative. Another Nat 20 on initiative. This episode is a curse for me for rolls. 22. 17.

22. 15. Okay, you go, you are first. You go wants to hide. Just right up the bad eye. That's right. I'm out of here. Go ahead and make a self check.

All right. 12. Sweet. You go, you try to hide. You don't do a particularly good job. No. That is moonshine stern. You see you goes just hiding behind a pillar

with he's got his hands over his eyes like a toddler that's playing hide and seek. You go, this room is mostly glass. What were you thinking? You're not exactly earning your 38%. You got 42%. How much would it hurt if I threw you go at him?

How would I roll for them? You can find out. No, that seems rude. Okay. I guess I'm down to just two first level spells and can trips. So is there an open window? No, they're all thick and closed.

Okay. THICC. Like hard glass. Yeah, closed off emotionally. All right. I guess I'm just gonna try to hit him with ice knife. I don't got shit else to do. Ice kebab.

Does a 15 hit. A 15 does hit. Yeah. Okay. You cannot stop me. I am power. Just knife goes right into his chest. Ow.

Oh my God. Wow. Your bone shirt is so small. It's like a little bone bib. Ow. Three damage and then it does a dexterity save. Fails. Takes 11 more and then I spores him for six.

Geez. Nice. Moonshine, yeah. You run up, you throw the ice knife, sticks in his chest, spores him, do all this poison damage to him. You see, it rocks him back. He is tough for you guys,

but you guys recognize as seasoned adventurers, this is just a pumped up punk. Yeah. That is. That's for you go. Bev's turn. You go style. The guy that really killed him.

Getting back into it. Yeah. Hide him behind a pillow. Two heroes in this journey. Me and what's her face? Hard one, that's your turn. Whatever. My name's Margaret.

Margaret's sideburn. Margaret's sideburn. I don't want this guy knowing my name. That's fair. You can't idea us. I am going, I'll swing my axe at, I'll swing my axe at Russ Gack. Sweet.

Oh, damn, 10. 10 does not hit. Oh wait. That's it. I'm gonna use my action surge. Yeah. I get it. You're trying really hard, man.

What, you can't hit me? Oh, I can hit you. Oh yeah. You look pretty weak. I can also hide like some other heroes. I'm kind of on his side. Whose side? I crit.

That's a 19. Sweet. Nice. 27 damage. Jesus. Yeah, you mess him right up. You slash into him, he staggers back. You'll go help.

Yeah, sure. Let's finish this, fucker. Which fucker? Whatever, whoever's more hurt. Babe, that's your turn. Yugo style means less and less now. All right. Jesus Yugo, is that another shoe change?

I'm three foot nine. Can you pass a DSW I didn't see? You found stilts there? I'm gonna try and hit Raskag as well. Sweet. Is 14 hit? It does. Woo, all right.

I'm gonna go ahead and divine smite on this one. Sweet. I pray to Pelor and say, please, on this winter glow eve, bless my sword so that it might be in the style of Yugo. Opa, Yugo style. You see, Bev, as you make that prayer, you see that there are like little strings

of arcane energy coming out of you and going into Raskag. And Raskag just mockingly goes, oh, Pelor, please help me, please help me. It's shut up, dude. That's actually pretty funny. Okay. Your prayer went to Raskag.

What? I still get to divine smite though, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I just heard it, man. You're praying, that's so funny. Praying is not funny. Unless you want it to be,

unless it's like a foam little joke, unless you have an inside joke with God. Which is what I consider you. 22 damage, starting to look pretty messed up. Great. That is Raskag's turn. Raskag is going to- What's that, Yugo?

Yugo has hidden. You guys are all up in his business. So moonshine through an ice knife, so it's just Bev and hard one. I'm gonna say he's gonna go after hard one, hard one attacked him first. He's going to try to power bomb you. I learned this by watching this on the WWE Network.

I learned from watching the WWE Network too, so don't fucking try it. That's a 17 to him. That works. You guys see him kick hard one in the stomach. Hell yeah. Pick him up for the power bomb. Yugo, double team man.

I'm in. Yugo, you're asking to get thrown. That is 12 damage to you, hard one. Ow. Slams you down, go ahead and give me a, oh, you are grappled. So he slams you down and he keeps hanging on. That is Balnor's turn.

Balnor's going to run forward. Get off of him. Balnor misses big time. Just whiffs and keeps running forward. At the end of Balnor's turn, Ruskak is gonna take a little villain action. You see he holds his hands up and he goes, you cannot defeat the coolest,

raddest, baddest dude and the strongest guy ever. And he clenches his fist. You see this burst of arcane energy coming out of the rift and breaking all of the windows in the room. Everyone go ahead and give me a dexterity saving throw. 11. Shout out to the three Kree. 17.

18? Sweet. Do I have to add anything? Yeah, you did it right. Very proud of you. Okay, so Moonshine and Bev, you guys both take seven damage and you go and hard one, you guys take three.

That is back up to you go's turn. You see Ruskak looks at you, you go and goes, you and me, we could take out all of them and then I'll share the profits with the rig with you. I'm in brother. Where are you going to attack? You go. Hard one, hard one.

I'm taking attack on hard one. That's gonna hit. Go ahead, because Ruskak is right next to him, you can roll two D6s and a DA. I invoked you go style, how could you? Oh my God. What, so many. 16 plus something plus the four.

Oh, I'm down. You guys see, you go goes up and stabs hard one in the back. Anotionally or physically. Hard one goes down. If I was gonna go down anyway, this is how I want it to die. That is moonshine's turn, moonshine. You got Hugo and Ruskak here.

I think I'm just gonna try to push Hugo out the window. Wait, can I hide? Oh wait, do you want to hide at the end of your turn? Yeah, can't I? Go ahead and roll a stealth check. Later skaters. Nine plus eight. Okay, 17, moonshine go ahead and make a perception check

to try to find Hugo. You can't find me, I'm the Hugo man. I only got 10. You can't find Hugo. All right then. All right. I guess we should have known he wasn't on our side when he was stealing from the dwarfens.

I guess I'm just gonna, I guess I'm just going to attack Ruskak. Okay, not my friend. I feel justified but sad. I'm starting to regret killing teenagers for you, Hugo. That's gonna miss. And then I guess I'm just gonna spores in the general direction that Hugo was.

Go ahead and make an attack roll with disadvantage. Like spell attack. Yeah, to find Hugo. You're just like spitting in the general direction of Hugo hoping you hit him. 14. That misses Hugo. That is hard one turn, hard one go ahead.

Hey, I thought we were on the same D. Hard one, give me a dead saving throw. That isn't not 20. Not 20? Hard one, you keep up. You kick right back up. You got one HP. And you still have a turn, you still have a turn.

I was stabbed by a coward. Can I try to find Hugo? Yeah, go ahead and make a perception check. Damn, it's only a nine. You can't find Hugo. All right, so I'll attack Ruskak with my single turn. Okay. You know what, fuck it.

I'm gonna throw an axe in a general direction that I last saw Hugo. Can I make an attack with disadvantage? I've sown discord amongst the group. You're actually united on Saul against you. Yeah. Ruskak, help. I'm dying, man.

Why are you like this? That's a 15. You do hit Hugo. Go ahead and roll your D6. You throw an axe. That's seven damage to Hugo. Hugo, you are hit with an axe in the leg. It pierces your thigh and sticks in there.

My thigh. Luckily, I have two. That is coming to go. That is Ben's turn, okay. Bev, you and me, let's attack. I don't really give a shit. As soon as I saw you steal all those shoes and also that gold and then kill that child,

I knew you were bad news. Do I see Hugo as he revealed himself? No, you guys heard it yell as hard as I heard it. There's like a god with the ring and we all need to kill Hugo. With my divine sense, can I sense his rotten heart? No, okay. Shit.

I am going to look for Hugo as well. Make a perception check. Hugo. That's a 15. 15 does not find you. God damn it. You make an attack roll with disadvantage if you want to throw something.

You can run, but you can't hide. Only I can hide. I'm Hugo. Can I cast compelled duel on Hugo? You can't see him. Oh, do I have to see him? Yep. Yeah, I'm going to try and find him.

Just this once. I'm going to try and find him. Go ahead and throw a javelin. You have disadvantage. Bev, I know you can hear me. You, me, and that bad guy. It's more annoying than I can hear you. So you know he's bad.

God damn it. That's going to be a nine. You miss. That is Ruskack's turn. Ruskack is going to, still has hard one grappled, is going to try to crush you hard one. Go ahead and make a strength saving throw. That's a 10.

Good luck, brother. You killed me. All right, everyone, I'm sorry. I should have healed you. I was just enraged. He picks you up again and spikes you on your head for 22 damage. Oh my God, that almost auto kills me.

Hard one crashes so hard into the ground. That is Balnor's turn. I can't help but feel partly responsible for that. Balnor swings at Ruskack and he hits. Is there a jail in this building? I just wanted brunch. And he does five damage. You could have gotten brunch.

Ruskack's looking pretty messed up. You also had brunch. You ate corn all day. I also had eggs. Yes, he really did. You really were working towards some way of us rancheros. I would have preferred nachos, sure.

At the end of the round, at the end of Balnor's turn, you see he once again clenches his fist and you see more arcane power surge from the rift into you guys. Everybody go ahead and give me a wisdom saving throw. Oh, I'm dead. I got a seven. Okay, shout out to eight great guys.

I got an eight. Okay, you guys are temporarily possessed. You go, you see Bev and Moonshine both get purple glows in their eyes. You guys just have to make melee attacks against each other. So Moonshine, take a crack with your staff and Bev, take a crack with your sword or your javelin against Moonshine.

Ugh. Ugh. 21. 21 as well. You guys both hit each other. You just see them both with purple eyes beating the shit out of each other. This is kind of cool.

Here you go. 12. I hit you for seven. Well, you did 12 damage. Yeah, because I'm in, I do 2G6 right now because I'm in fungal form. Jesus, I'm almost down. Okay, yeah, you fuck them right up.

Oh, wait, no, no, 10. Pardon me, 10. Okay. Jesus Christ. Still not great. Oh, Ballonore passes his saving throw. Ballonore goes, what are you guys doing? You guys come to and you see

that you are fighting each other. Ugh. Moonshine, what are we doing? You go to turn. I don't know, I'm sorry. Oh, hello. It's me. What would you like to do?

I guess who's the weakest person left at this point? Who looks worst, Bev or Moonshine? I think I'm doing okay. I think he has to make an inside check to determine that. Yeah, go ahead and make an inside check. Yeah, forget it, I'll attack Beverly. Okay. No.

He's overplayed his hand. What do I do, roll or die? I just roll to hit him, Jesus Christ. I go up to shake Beverly's hand but I'm actually planning on attacking him. He's so, so much discordant. Also not noticeable. I have to be a holiday special where everyone dies

and the guest kills everyone. 18 plus something. To hit? That hits. 2d6 and a d8. Maybe you shouldn't have de-leveled us and made him so powerful. He's just the same level as you guys.

He's just a fucking rogue. You guys could have killed Ruskak, instead you all took shots at Hugo and you couldn't see him. Because you guys could have killed Ruskak and then dragged Hugo out. I don't give a shit about Frostwood anymore. Now I just want to kill Hugo.

Ruskak, pray for me brother. Hugo is a long lasting problem. We got to get rid of him quick. Nine plus something, four. 13 damage, I'm down. These steps, Beth goes down. Moonshine that is, oh wait, do you want to hide Hugo? Yes please.

Go ahead and make a roll, let's tell Jack. I never liked you guys. Only three, oh no, plus eight, 11. 11, okay. Moonshine that is your turn. I'm not taking a chance here. I'm going to cast Fairy Fire and tackle him out a window. What did I do?

Hey, we can talk about this baby. Fairy Fire, you're not invisible anymore. I can see you and I just want to tackle you. Go ahead and make an opposed athletics check against Hugo. Hugo, you roll one as well. You have a minus one. I got 14.

Seven, you got a six actually. Because you minus one to that. Oh, six. 14. 14, just wait for him. Just tackle him out a window and then land on him. Jesus Christ. You tackle Hugo, you get super low on him

and pick him up, run towards the window. You guys both fall out. I guess actually I could just throw him. I guess I just throw him. I'm going to have you make a dexterity save to not fall. Because it's a lot of momentum for you to run towards as he's like wrestling. If we both die, that's fine.

Okay. It's worth it. Clegane ball style. My dexterity is 15. Hugo, you can make an opposed dexterity check if you want to pull her. All right, I'll pull her. What do I do?

And what do I need? You need to beat the- 15. You got to beat a 15 on your dex. Three. Mochai, do you successfully throw Hugo out the window? As he's falling. There you go.

As he's falling, I spores him for six. You spit on Hugo. You do six damage to him. Hugo, how much health do you have left? I'm down to eight. Okay. You're going to take a little bit of damage as you fall. Let's see if it's enough to knock you out.

Hugo, you hit the ground with a crunch and take 12 damage. You are just knocked out. You are not outright dead. So you- Negative four? Yeah, that knocks you out. You spit on Hugo and throw him out the window. Hugo.

You fly out of the castle. You land with a crunch on the ground, just looking up at the chaos around you. Whoa, what have I done? As you fade. Thank you, Mochai. Hard one, that's your turn. Go ahead and give me a death saving throw.

It's a four. That's a fail for a hard one. I agree. That's your turn. I don't care if we all die. Go ahead and give me a death saving throw. Okay. That's 14, save.

That's a pass. That is Ruskak's turn. Ruskak is going to run forward and attempt to tackle Moonshine out the window now. Moonshine, go ahead and give me an- I go limp and I let it happen. An opposed strength check. Opposed athletics.

Ooh. 17. He got a 23. Okay. He picks you up and he tosses you. Let's do another either athletics or decks. I'd prefer to do athletics. 13.

He got a 21. He successfully tosses you out the window. Moonshine, you fall. You take 12 damage. I'm still sad. Moonshine, you land. You roll your ankle. You're super hurt, but still up.

Balnor is going to run forward and attempt to throw Ruskak out the window. Balnor. Balnor saved our souls. Hell yeah. Balnor got, that's a 22 right off the bat. Let's, so Ruskak has a plus six. Ruskak beats him.

Ruskak has a 25. Stops him, gets low. Stops him from throwing him out. Balnor is going to take an action surge and he's going to try again. He does. Shout out to the two crew. That is only an eight for Balnor.

That is, let's see what Ruskak gets. Ruskak gets a 13, but it is enough to stop him. That is back around to Hugo's turn. Hugo, go ahead and just roll a d20. And this is to start doing death saves to see if you die. So I need four more. So you need to get a 10 or higher. Just, it's a random luck check.

Just roll. One. Wait, really? I know, sorry. Seven. Okay, so that's one fail. You have to have three to die. So you have one fail.

So that's it. That's it for this turn. I can't believe I'm rooting for you to die. And Hugo's style. Yeah, I just want to let you know, I think I could only kill Hugo right now. I want to make him, I want to try him for his crime. Yeah, he's fine right now.

I'm feeling just, so I can't do anything then. You can start climbing back up. All right, take a shit in you. In Hugo's mouth, I spores him to give him one more failed death. Oh my God, so you have two fails, Hugo. I just wanted brunch. No, you didn't.

I start climbing. Moonshine, you start climbing back up. Go ahead and give me the athletics check. Okay. 12. 12. Okay, you get up a little bit of the ways. That is back to hard one.

Hard one, go ahead and give me a death save. That's a nine. That's two fails. I'm not gonna be able to save any of us because I don't have any spells left. That is Beverly's turn. I gotta get back up. That's gonna be a death save.

To 10. That's a pass. Okay, great. That is Ruskack's turn. Gonna try to throw Ballnore out the window. Good luck, brother. Shut up, you're dead. Throws, successfully throws Ballnore out the window.

Does he land on Hugo? Can we roll over? Long check to see if he lands on him. He doesn't land on Hugo. What a yacht. Ballnore does take 12 damage though, and he's quite hurt now. Hits the ground pretty hard.

That is Ballnore's turn. Ballnore's just gonna run back and try to climb back up. He does an athletics check. He gets up a bit of the ways. That is back up to you, moonshine. Okay, I'm gonna try and I'm gonna climb in and get to hard one so I can do a medicine check.

Okay, did you use my amulet yet? No, I will also look at the amulet. You take a bonus action, use the amulet. Go ahead and make a wisdom check, a medicine check to try to stabilize hard one. This would just stabilize him, right? So he wouldn't have to do those anymore, because I can't, I don't have any heal.

Yes. Ooh, 24. Hard one stops doing death saves. Yeah, it's stabilized. Okay, so hard one won't die. I will spores Rusk Gak for six. Okay, sweet. Rusk Gak is quite messed up.

Okay, sweet. That is, we actually skipped Hugo. Hugo, go ahead and give me a death save. Wait, this is my final one. See if you fail it. If you fail it is. Come on, Hugo. Over 10, Hugo style.

Five. Hugo, what is the last thing Hugo says or thinks as he leaves the world? You are the first guest to come on the show and die to a round of applause. This is equivalent to dead eye, I'd say. Yes, I guess it's the same said dog. Hugo, any loud words?

Bury me at three foot three. Oh my God, Hugo is dead. Hard one, you are out. Bev, that is your turn, give me a death save. Don't give him a funeral. 13, I think I stabilize. You stabilize, you're still out. That is Rusk Gak's turn.

Rusk Gak is gonna try to slam you, moonshine. Okay. That's a 21 to him. It hits. 15 damage, moonshine. I'm down. Oh shit. Balnor.

This is Balnor's turn. The world rests on your hands. Okay, we're gonna do this. I'm gonna do this in front of the table for the fate of the world. I'm gonna do this. Balnor versus Rusk Gak. I will tell you that Rusk Gak has 11 HP left

and Balnor has six. Can Balnor look at my amulet? Balnor can look at your amulet and he has second wind. Okay, first thing Balnor does is second wind. He gets a D10 plus two hit points. So he gets seven back. So Balnor goes back up to 13. He looks at Bab's amulet and gets another 10.

There you go. He's back up to 23. Balnor takes one swing at Rusk Gak. He's gotta get a 14 or higher to win. Come on. That is a 12 to hit. He misses. He deserves this.

That is Rusk Gak's turn. Rusk Gak takes a swing at Balnor. Shout out to the two crew. That is only an eight to hit misses. You're fucking lucky, Hugo. Moonshine, you also have to roll a death saving throw. Fail. Fail.

Okay, that's a fail for Moonshine. That is back down to Balnor. Balnor takes another swing at Rusk Gak. Shout out to the two crew. He misses. That is Rusk Gak's turn. Rusk Gak hits. Rusk Gak picks him up and slams him for 11 damage.

Balnor is still standing. He's got no way to heal though. Balnor is going to swing at Rusk Gak. You might turn to a do a death save. Oh, Moonshine, go ahead and do a death save. Another fail. Fail. That is Balnor's turn.

That is an at one, but he rolls again. He's lucky. Yeah. That's an at 20. Woo! Everyone's cheering, but Hugo. I am good. Hugo's being tortured in hell.

Playing against myself. Okay, Balnor. Okay, so Balnor is going to roll two D8s and a plus three. So Balnor needs to get 11 here. A total of 11 to kill him. I'm going to roll in front of everyone. Go ahead and save Christmas, Balnor.

Come on, Balnor. Wait, is that an eight? Oh, so he only gets nine. Balnor does nine damage, gets Rusk Gak down to two. Thank you for taking this seriously, Balnor. Balnor. I don't regret anything. Balnor is at 12.

That is Rusk Gak's turn. Rusk Gak still has him grappled, is going to try to crush Balnor. Balnor needs to do a strength saving throw. Balnor is pretty good with strength saves. He's got a plus five. He's got to get a nine or higher on this roll to survive.

Oh, no! With a sickening crunch. Rusk Gak power bombs Balnor into the afterlife. And that, my friends, is a total party kill. Wait, but we don't know if I survive. Rusk Gak goes over and kills you. God, merry fucking Christmas. Happy witch-

Total party kill. Happy holidays, everyone. That is where we will end our session. Oh my God. At least Hugo died too. I was like, we're fucked. Hugo's gonna fuck it. If we're dying, Hugo's not.

If Hugo, we go. Nice. No, we go, exactly. Don't let him promote buckets. That's pretty good. Don't let him promote buckets. Yes, wow. What have I been up to?

Wow, I wasn't expecting this. Yeah, so Balnor is killed with a devastating power bomb. And Rusk Gak goes over and unceremoniously executes each one of the knocked out people in the room. Hugo is already dead outside. What about Papa? Papa... Scrambles away to save you, please.

At least you couldn't kill him, Hugo. Let's not forget that the Dwarfens are all fucking fucked. Oh yeah. What does this mean? You killed 11 of them. Papa, Papa runs around, tries to grab a piece of hair from each person and scrambles away.

Perhaps there's hope for the future. Maybe Papa can somehow get to Mimaw. Papa can get everyone reincarnated. Perhaps Papa can save Christmas. Does Papa grab a strand of Hugo's hair? No. I feel like Alanis watches this timeline and is just like, nah, that's a miss.

Good Lord. Well, guys, we'll talk about this over on the Patreon. I love that we got a total party kill on our holiday special. Yeah, no, funny. Does that happen every episode or? First time. He's just eating a pizza.

Amir directly got everyone killed. He attacked you, knocked you out, then you guys were so mad at him, you used every round to fight, to try to find him. Yeah, iTunes, Patreon, is this what you fucking want? We should have never had him on. We should make shirts that say, Opa, Hugo style. You ruined Dungeons and Dragons.

Hugo also died, that's what's so funny is that nobody got what they wanted, just end of the world. Amir got what he wanted, because he doesn't care if Hugo lives or dies. It's Hugo, not Hugo with an H. Murph. Jake, you're off the podcast, I'm sorry.

What? He's selling Discord even after he's gone. Good Lord. Guys, we'll talk about this more in the short rest, over on patreon.com. That's NADpod, that's N-A-D-D-P-O-D, don't sing yet. Right, so. Okay.

Guys, thank you so much for listening. We got some things to plug, I guess. I'm not gonna plug anything. How could we plug anything? We're all dead. Happy holidays to everyone. Amir, thank you so much for coming by. Thank you, and happy Honda days to everybody out there.

Amir, you got anything to plug? Just keep listening to this show, you guys are kicking butt. Hugo, I'm sure we'll be back soon, right? Totally dead. Hashtag, Hugo-style, if you want Hugo to be on every episode going forward. You're saying Hugo, later skaters.

Good Lord. Check the store for Hugo-style shirts. Oh, sold out. Check the store for later skaters merch. It says later skaters on the back, it's just a gnome with shit in his mouth. Thank you guys for listening. You guys can follow us on Twitter at thmerfismete.

I called, he's called the wall. Addie Axtred, Emily. I had Jake Hurwitz as Jake. Amir, what's your Twitter? You got anything? I had Jake in a mirror. I had Jake in a mirror. We share it.

You guys share it. Just like you share everything, a death, a total party kill. Lord. Awesome. You guys can tweet about the show using hashtag NADPOD, that's N-A-D-D-P-O-D. We are, we are,

the youth of the nation. We are, we are, the youth of the nation. Youth of the nation. Youth of the nation. That was a hate gum podcast.