If I Were You - 415: Hosting and Ghosting

Episode Date: December 30, 2019

In this episode we discuss our new years resolutions, Jake's foot surgery, and the ideal texting rate.For more IF I WERE YOU check out our Patreon.com/JA for Bonus Thursday Video episodes.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Don't worry, or you'll be sorry. Oh, you're the podcast that if I work you'll show. FGmail.com because you're a dumb hoe. Amir is a chipmunk. He only wants dirties. Jake's mom makes good cookies. Please add me on LinkedIn.

Email in the podcast. Email in the podcast. Email in the podcast. Please add me on LinkedIn. It's Chippy Chip and The Pinch. Nice, Chippy Chip. I like that for you. I thought that was you.

No, I'm The Pinch. I have been for years and years. Yeah. Get your crab claws out. Everybody knows that Jake's The Pinch because I get shit done in a pinch. You can count on me when you're in a bind. That's right.

When the pressure's on, JayMoney gets it done. Chippy Chip is sort of like... It's a little insulting. More than a little insulting. You're nothing more than a chipmunk. You're a little squirrel man. You're basically a woodpecker except you can't fly. You're a wimpy little beaver.

A little woodland bitch. A wimpy little beaver. Yeah. That's who you are. I'm a crustacean, man. I'm a lobster. I'm a crab. I got claws and you better watch out

because you're getting pinched. Nice. That was written by Claire Snitowsky. Nice. That was a great song. I liked it a lot. She did a great job. She says she has a little unsolicited advice for us.

Should we read it? Really? Yeah, sure. If you don't know what to buy someone for a present, think about just one thing that they like. Then look up a subscription box for that specific interest and just order the box for their birth month. Then remove everything from the branded box

and put it in a different box so they don't know that you didn't know them well enough to buy them a real present. So you find out one thing, get them a box. Yeah. Then you take the box, put it in a different box disguising the fact that you got a subscription box. Yeah.

If there was a basketball subscription box, you would order it just for one month, get the free preview or whatever, and then cancel your membership. You put all the contents of the B-ball box and put it in a box that you found. So it's totally free. That's right.

Totally free and it's a series of small gifts that you didn't have to pay for that match their interest. Very cool. That is smart. I like that. I like that for you because you're sort of a little rodent rat type guy that doesn't want to spend cash on his friends.

I like that for you. Claire also says that she has no real plug, but if we can add her on LinkedIn or if you know someone looking for an environmental geoscientist, she's attached her resume. Environmental... I wonder if she studies these little striped rodents from the family Shiride,

which is what a chipmunk is. I'm on the Wikipedia for your family tree right now. It's kind of cool. The Wikipedia for my family tree. Yeah, they're found in North America except for the Siberian chipmunk, which is found primarily in Asia. So I guess that's probably where you...

I'm obviously not that. Well, you came from the other side of a pond. So I was thinking you're probably more of a Siberian chipmunk than a North American chipmunk. Sounds cold, actually, and I'm not interested in doing that. Well, they're found all throughout Asia. It's not necessarily just...

I think they originated in Siberia, but I'm sure that... Yeah, let me read about the distribution. No, you don't have to. You don't have to read about the distribution of the Siberian chipmunk. I don't think so. Interesting. Very interesting.

Yeah, the Germany, Italy, the Netherlands, Austria. This sounds like... This is definitely more you. No. Very cool. It doesn't say anything about their chubby-ass little cheeks and their buck teeth, but it talks about how they live

in coniferous forest and stony areas. It's more scientific than the Wikipedia page. The Wiki page for that species wouldn't talk about, quote, chubby-ass little cheeks. That's not what scientists... They mark their territory with urine, which is something you do. No, I don't.

I just be in a toilet. I guess that's me marking the toilet as mine, but I'm not going around. Is your toilet, right? Yeah, it is my toilet, but I'm not pissing around my house or anything. I have taken a leak around my house. That's just to keep dogs at bay.

Have you ever taken a leak? You see us UP in front of your house? Yeah, I'll pee in front of my house and I'll pee in front of other people's houses to sort of mark my territory, but I'm not going around like a chipmunk. That's what it's about. That is what it's about.

I just want little animals to smell my urine so that they know it's like, okay, that's the last thing. That's exactly what we're talking about with Siberian chipmunks and chipmunks writ large. Yeah. All right. Well, thank you, Claire, for that.

One more problem without you. One less problem without you. Parody. Yes. Appreciate it. This is, of course, if I were you, the only advice podcast on the Internet hosted by us last episode of the decade.

Whoa, 2020. Here we come. That's right. Goddamn. This episode's for December 30th, two days before the decade ends. LeBron James' birthday as well. Shout out to the goat.

Damn, is that true? I didn't know that. He's turning 35 today. Wow. His golden birthday. Well, now, Golden is like, oh, he's turning 30 on the 30th. He's turning 30 on the 30th.

We're turning 35, but it's still on the 35th, which is kind of cool. No, it's on December. That's today, December 30th. Let's try to move on. You don't have to nitpick every single thing I say. Let's just move on, you know? We don't have to harp on every little hiccup

that I come across, but you'd want to, you just want to harangue me, I guess. I don't want to hang me out to dry. Let's get started. No use beating a dead horse, Blumenfeld. I agree. Let's just bury the hatchet. Okay.

And press on my, carry on my wayward son. Right? Yeah. Okay. Thank you. What's that? Fuck off, man. Nothing.

We got a question from a 21-year-old gal in Connecticut. Oh, shit. That's where I am right now. That's right. What's a 21-year-old gal's name in Connecticut? Claire. Oh, all right. Just like the lady that wrote us in.

Oh, wow. Oh, cool. That's what pickle writes Claire, this 21-year-old gal in Connecticut. There's an absolute hunk I've been with. I've been talking to recently. Way out of my league. Tall. Blonde.

You get the drill. Super. I thought we were reviving. Yeah. I thought we were reviving and then he made a joke that said, maybe we're related. Does that mean he's not interested? Why would he give me his phone number over Instagram DM

if he wasn't into me? If he is still interested, I'd still pursue someone that makes incest jokes. Thanks, abusal doozles. Love, Claire. What was the context in which he said maybe we're related? Do they look alike or do they? I don't understand.

Yeah, they either look alike, have the same last name, similar uncles, maybe. And she's like, I don't want to pursue someone that makes incest jokes? Yeah. Or does that mean like, is it like the same kind of thing where it's like, yeah, you remind me of my little sister? I mean, that's a lot creepier than saying like, ha, ha, maybe we're related. Like I would be less inclined to hang with someone who kept on talking about how

I remind them of their sibling. That seems creepy. Yeah. A maybe we're related isn't even necessarily an incest joke if you haven't like hooked up with them yet. Yeah. But it's still like. In fact, actually you're the one that's inferring.

You're obsessed with incest. Me? Yeah. You. I don't know what else I would expect from a Siberian chipmunk. Yeah. I guess a good piece of unsolicited advice is to not bring up the idea or put into the ether some sort of notion that you are related to the person you're flirting with.

Yeah. That makes sense. But at the same time, if someone does do that, it kind of seems fine as long as it's not like direct incest joke. Yeah. If you haven't fucked yet, then you can say as much as you want about being related, I think. Really?

You don't think it kind of ruins the mood a little bit? I guess it could. Well, not to put it like that. You're my cousin in a way. Right up until the moment of penetration, it's fine to talk about being related. Like during foreplay, it's fine to mention that you could be someone's uncle. If you're doing sloppy seconds, you can mention that you're second cousins. And if you're at third, you can say we're third niece and nephew.

Twice removed. And first base is first place for first kissing cousins. But it's a home run that isn't home spun. You can knit that into a quilt and sell it on your cafe, press, web stores. No way. What a stupid quilt that would be. That would suck. I think that's a fine quilt.

That's a weird riddle poem about fucking your fucking cousins. You want to knit it onto a quilt? Well, obviously it wouldn't fit on a t-shirt. It's too... No. It's a little too robust of a saying. Yes. But that doesn't mean that it's not worth putting on a blanket and having it on as a throw.

Yeah, it has nothing to do with the length of the sentence. It was the context of it. Yeah. I guess like, well, you know, I think to each their own. That would be an awful quilt. Maybe, but I think that's the polarization of it is what makes it interesting. Does that mean he isn't interested? She asks.

No, I think it just means he made a bad joke. Yeah. Like, yeah. Maybe he regrets it and maybe he doesn't think about it at all. Right. I think he made a dumb joke that you're reading too far into. It's not that he's not interested, but I also don't think it should. Um, it shouldn't cool you off entirely.

I think it's still fine. Would he, uh, should I still pursue someone that makes incest jokes? I think if they make, it depends on the incest joke. Like, I don't think this guy made a really offensive incest joke. There's been worse. Yeah. I think, I think at least in terms of the joke that he made, it's fine. And if the incest stuff continues, then I guess I probably wouldn't pursue that person,

but for now proceed with caution. And reverence. Yeah. There's not a lot of people to hook up with when you're home for the holidays, especially in Connecticut. I felt your pain once before. So I think this is, this is like in the grand scheme of things. This is still chill and it's worth hanging, especially if you're super attracted to him.

Uh, all right, we got another question about a guy who's married, but in some sort of social media predicament. Ooh. So we'll call him, um, what's a character from the new Star Wars movie? Um, I, jeez, I haven't seen it yet. Probably, uh, friggin Luke Skywalker. That's cool. Yeah.

Luke writes, hi guys, I'm friends with a girl who got into pole dancing within the last year. She posts, she posts videos of herself pole dancing on Instagram pretty much every day. I also have a vocation in post photos or Instagram videos pretty much every day, which she likes a large percentage of. I'm very impressed with her dancing and I feel like I should reciprocate, but it feels creepy in a way. The stuff she posts is very sexually suggestive. I'm worried that me suddenly starting to like most of her stuff

will make things weird between us in person because I'm in a relationship, but my girlfriend doesn't use Instagram, so her seeing me liking things and getting jealous isn't really an issue. Thanks, love Luke Skywalker. Wait, she, he's gonna start liking her posts and he thinks that's, why does he think it's weird? Because she's stripping in it and then it's like, whoa, is this flirtatious all of a sudden?

I'm liking your hot photos now. Wait, it's his girlfriend or his friend? His friend, but he's in a relationship with somebody else. Oh, sorry. I thought it was his girlfriend and he was worried about liking his, okay, this changes things. Yeah, he's in a relationship and his other friend who he usually likes photos of is now posting sexy photos, so it's like,

should I not like this because they're all hot? Yeah, I probably wouldn't. I probably wouldn't do that. I don't know what the right answer is. Maybe it's, maybe I'm not giving it, but I think you just, like other people see it. Just try not to like the thirst trap photos, even if you're not liking it for the thirst trappy reason.

Yeah. Even if you're like, this is, I'm proud of you for being a good dancer. I think you still might as well not like the photo. Yeah, what if you don't like it, but you just leave that as a caption. I'm proud of you for being a good dancer. In a non-sexual way. This isn't hot to me. I am sort of distancing myself from the hotness of it.

I did want to check in and hashtag, let you know that I do congratulate you on being a good stripper, not stripper dancer. Of course, you're not stripping. You're just on a pole. Shit, submit. Right. Perfect. You know what?

Can I, Amir, do you mind if I pick up this phone call that I'm getting real quick? We can leave it in the pod. What? One second. Oh, no, I missed it. Okay. So, yeah, my car broke down

and it got sent to East Rock Auto. Shout out to East Rock Auto. They're great. Okay. I needed a new alternator. What's that? It was hoping they were going to be able to get it to me. It's a thing that charges your battery

or keeps your battery in line. I guess maybe it helps it hold the charge. I'm not entirely sure. Uh-huh. But it's something to do with my car's battery. I thought my battery was dead. Your car didn't turn on. Yeah, my car didn't turn on.

We jumped it. It turned on for a little while. I drove downtown. It didn't turn on again. I called AAA. They told me that it was, uh, that I needed a new alternator. And so now your car's at the shop

and they called you to tell you about your alternator? Yeah, exactly. So I was sort of curious as to what they were saying when they were calling me back. But you know what? I missed the call. There's not really anything I can do about it now. Uh, let's press on.

You can call them back if you want. Uh, yeah, maybe, uh, well, is that insane? Oh, here's a voicemail I can play from them. Okay. We'll splice this into the episode, right? Okay, yeah, yeah. Or put it up to the microphone. Hi, Jacob.

Paul from East Rock Auto. The Toyota truck is all set for you. I'm here tonight until 5.30. Thanks. They have my truck. Oh, it's, it's fixed. Oh, shut up, Siri. This is the fucking riveting ass podcast content

people tune in for. It's me checking my voicemail. It's me yelling at Siri. Now I go to East Rock Auto and I pick up my car. And then aren't you getting rid of your car though anyway? Yeah, this is actually a fun story, especially because my sister, Sarah, listens to the podcast,

but we're releasing this episode on the 30th. People have already happened by now. Okay. But I am giving my truck to my sister as a Christmas gift. So the gift is, here's my broken ass truck. The alternates work the charge doesn't keep. It often dies, but hey, it's yours to deal with. Yes.

You're, thanks, you're, this is why you're fucking rodent, because I do something that's nice for my sister and you fucking just belittle it. Why don't you give her the car you're going to get and then you keep your shitty ass broken down truck. What's your new car going to be? I want Sarah to have that car. I'll give you something, man.

It's a fucking turdy. What? How's that? You get a turdy for your negative ass attitude and your energy towards my Tacoma, which is the goat truck. It's the, it's the best truck of all time. I've had it for like 10 fucking years

and it just broke down today for the first time ever. For the first time ever? Well, the one other time the battery also died. I've had problems with it, but it does, it's never broken. It has never broken broken down before. That's never happened except for one other time. I just jump started a car for the first time last week.

Really? Yeah. And how did that experience go for you? It was a little difficult, but YouTube sort of paved the way. I was scared because I had to use like jumper cables and they're like, don't do this because it'll like, it might electrocute you. So the stakes were high.

Yeah, it isn't scary. I mean, I've been, I've kind of, I've always had older cars. So I've been jumping cars since I turned 16. Have you ever electric? No, but I made sparks fly out of it one time. Yeah. The fun thing about jumping a car is that it makes you feel

really manly and like, you know what you're doing and you feel like an auto mechanic without actually doing anything. Right. It's basically like a children's puzzle. Yeah. You pop a hood, you clip on the four cables and then you start, you start the car, you start the other car and then like the car that was dead comes to life

and you're like, wow, I fixed it. And I, and like there were two hoods popped. I, you know, you've just feel really good, but you don't actually, it's not actually that hard, which is why it's nice. You didn't actually fix anything. You just sort of put a cable on a little node. Although.

Yeah. Well, especially today when, which I've jumped three different cars today alone. Oh. And because my, my dad's car died. So I jumped it, which then I think killed my battery. We jumped my battery. I went downtown, car died, jumped it again.

And it didn't work. So AAA had to tow it. I did. I did learn that. Um, after you start your car, after jumping, you have to like drive it for half an hour because that's what charges the battery. Yeah.

When your bat, when your car is on, you're charging the battery. Yeah. So you can't just apparently it's something to do with an alternator. Oh, interesting. Now I'm learning something new. Cause yeah, my alternator was, so they, the guy from AAA was showing me.

It's like your battery, I just jumped it. It's at 10 volts. Like it should be at 14. It should be climbing, but watch. And then we watched as it went down from like, it was at 10, then it was at nine, then it was at eight. It was like, Oh, okay. So like, even though my battery was just jumped,

it's slowly dying without the alternator. Yeah. Why don't car batteries have like phone batteries? Give me like a percentage. Let me know how close I am to dying. I think some, some cars do newer cars definitely do. Yeah. My car doesn't.

It has the gas gauge of course, but nobody cares that much about the battery gauge of it. Yeah. I guess like, well, if you have like an electric car, it'll show you. Yeah. That's everything. Um, all right.

Let's take a break. We'll come back with some more questions and answers before the decade expires. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct.

I mean, this might be the goat father's day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah. Not just father's day, but if for any not so tech, savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah.

For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents.

So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great, really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby,

and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma. She was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife.

And you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant.

Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. Can we let her know with an Aura? Yeah. Thank you.

The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter.

Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message or display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift.

A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames. That's A U R A Frames dot com. And our listeners can use code head gum to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh wow.

This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames. A U R A Frames. Dot com. Okay.

Go get your parents something. All right. And use the code head gum for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you Aura. And now back to the head gum podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp.

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Check him out. Thanks, BetterHelp. And we are back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a leather device. Oh, I'm coming. Gross. I don't think I do, but what about you, bud?

I have some New Year's resolution that I thought I'd pass on. And maybe you could join me. Maybe our listeners can join as well. I'm curious. Let's hear it. My classic New Year's resolutions, of course, is to use my phone less to read more, to exercise more. These are overarching ones that I do to varying degrees of success,

but never anything completely long lasting. Right. So I thought, let's get specific this year. Let me see if I can do this much. I want to, and I urge everyone to do the same, not view any Instagram stories. That's right. Literally the least you can do. Are you going to post on Instagram stories?

Of course. Because sometimes we promote shit. Yes. So you want people who you rely on to look at and click your Instagram stories to stop. I think that's, I'm not, I'm not even condemning it. I respect it because I agree that Instagram stories are universally bad. Yep. Empty calories.

My life has never, ever been enriched by looking at an Instagram story. I've never, ever watched one and said, I'm glad I did that. Let alone even remember what I saw. That's right. Minutes, turn into hours, turn into, I don't know how many days I've spent this year looking at stories that just sort of enter my eyes and exit through my brain like empty calories flowing through me. I can't remember any of them, like you said.

I'll tell you a couple of the negative things that looking at Instagram or this. All right. So here's my, this is one theory that I have about Instagram stories. Cause sometimes when I have like a ton of emails, a ton of errands, a ton of notifications, just like shit that I have to do. Yeah. I will compulsively look at Instagram and just like click through stories without really like just like letting it wash over me.

And I think it's satisfying to know that you're like getting rid of notifications cause those don't mean anything. And you're like, I'm going to clear this feed. I can't clear anything else. I have text to respond to. I have things to record. I have places to be, but I can click through this and it'll be empty and it'll be done. Yeah.

But I never even get, I never get to the end of it. There's always more. I like, I watched five, six, seven and I'm like, I have to stop. There's like 80 more and I'm not going to be able to watch them all. Oh yeah. I don't, I don't get through it either, but I think that there's something satisfying about like click, click notification, clear, clear, clear. I do it with Twitter sometimes too.

Like just here's a blue button and now it's not a blue button anymore. I did good. There's some kind of like weird Pavlovian response to be like, this, this thing has been activated. Um, so I think that's, that's, first of all, that's just my theory. My, here's something negative that I think happens from Instagram stories. I will be at a party catching up with someone I haven't seen in a while and they'll be like, Oh, I was just in Paris and I'll be like, Oh, I saw like, like it matters.

Like I, like their Instagram story of the Eiffel tower conveys anything of the emotion and the adventure of their, like of the journey that they were on. Right. Like I feel compelled to say that I saw it on Instagram. So it like, aside from being a time suck, I think it downgrades your conversations when people tell you about their lives. If you, if you like have seen it already on Instagram. Right.

I don't need to catch up with you. I already know what you saw and what happened. Right. And I think you still do need to catch up with people, but I think it gives you a sense that you don't or that you already have caught up that you've, that you're up to date. You're up to speed on somebody. Right. Um, and here's my last thing that I would say about Instagram stories.

If you eliminate Instagram stories, if you don't look at them, all you have less left is Instagram posts, which are all so bad. Have you thought about that? Yes. Why not just give up Instagram entirely? Because the posts, I'm thinking about like, oh, okay, so maybe if I don't look at Instagram stories, I look at my posts and what am I, that's all garbage too, man. And then at that point, why are you stopping at Instagram?

What are you checking Twitter for? There's insane. Just look at it. Instagram. It's so dumb. You can just look at it once a day before bed and see everything in nine minutes, but instead you're checking it 34 times a day for 30 seconds. Yep.

But. Oh my God. Instagram stories are so dumb. You said you moved Instagram from your, uh, home screen. Did that do anything? Um, oh, yeah, I guess a little bit. I, I definitely, I don't know if it's, if it's made like a major impact on like how often I look at it, but it makes me a little more conscious, conscious every time I do.

I'm like, here I go. You know, it's not just like, it's not a robotic click. It's like a, oh, where is it? Oh, it's on this page. Oh, you're looking at Instagram. Good for you. Oh, good for you. It makes, it gives you a tiny little sense of shame, which you deserve.

Do you think you'll join me in this experiment? Yeah. I guess I'm at least, I'm, I'm curious. That means you'll never do it. Not never ever. They make them so goddamn enticing. I think I would be more likely to do something like look at Instagram once a day or like, yeah, I would, that's, that would be more my thing.

Right. The ones that are right before bed or right when you wake up, like a morning digest. Limit the time. Cause I think what I have more of a problem with is the amount of times all of my apps get open. Like when I'm just standing there, I'm like, I'll refresh New York times. I'll refresh Twitter. I'll reflect, refresh my email.

Look at Slack. I'm just like trying to find something to do with my time. You know what I've been doing since I've been home is just leaving my phone like upstairs so I can actually talk to people without being like looking at my phone. Yeah. And then do you ever notice like whenever there's a lull in the conversation and six people are on their phone and yours is upstairs? Yeah.

But then I sort of just sit there smugly and I'm like, I'm better than my mom. Do you ever say that out loud? I'm better than everyone. I said that out loud last night, but it was at 2am and I was in my parents room. I was trying to sleep and I was trashed. And I was using my phone cause I didn't look at it all day. So I'm sort of scanning. I backed my truck into the shed.

I'm scrolling on Snapchat saying I'm better than my mom. I'm better than my mom. Look at me. I'm better than my mom. Yeah. All right. That's my unsolicited. Let's see if I can follow it.

I like it. I mean, I do think that there's no point in the amount of the amount that we all look at our phones. That's true. Do you remember that guy, Dan, who worked at the bar that was doing that phone, Lightbox or Lightphone? Yeah. He had like a little flip phone that didn't have any apps on it.

Yeah. It was, it's his friends that started this thing. It is, it's called the Lightphone. It like only does emails and texts. Yeah. It seems like it needs, it seems like you need maps, but you know, let's get lost again. We don't get lost anymore. Do you realize how fucked up that is?

Kids don't get lost. That's everything. I don't know if I need maps that often. Oh. Sorry. What are the most part? I was just trying to have this like revelation, but no, you're right. You don't really.

Yeah. Sorry. I'm sorry. Kids don't get lost. You want more children getting lost? Yeah. Not like in a bath. I was just saying that like the childhood wonder man has gone a little bit.

Right. Well, my net worth is tied up in this podcast a little bit, but so like, can we not go on record saying Amir Blumenfeld wants to lose children because like, you get a cancel like a cancel. That is not ideal for us. Yeah. I don't want kids to get lost. I mean like lost in like, yeah, lost in a book or something.

I don't know. They should always have their phones on and listening to this show. I think. Sorry. You just, you turned it into children should listen to the show. They should always have their phones on and listening to the show. Can you just like. I don't say the wrong things.

I'm this close. You are. The year 2020. Yeah. So let's do New York's resolution. You don't pitch children getting, getting lost and then you also don't insist that they listen to our show. No, I'd stop.

I think that's. Children can do whatever they want as long as they have maps I think is not solicited advice. Fine. Fine. Awful. We have a lady who's in a New Year's Eve dilemma. We have two days.

She has two days to listen to this. There's just time. By the way though, I just, I don't have a New Year's resolution. So I think I have to, by next week, I've got to come up with one. It's too early for me to have a New Year's resolution. It's going to be to get jacked. All right. Go ahead.

That's your, that's your New Year's and every Tuesday resolution. Yeah. Non-stop. All right. Eve writes, I'm going to a party on New Year's Eve with my boyfriend and his friends. My other friend, let's call her Ella, wants to come to the party with me and has pretty much invited herself. This would be fine if she hadn't slept with the host of the party.

His name is Jake earlier this year and then he ghosted her. And I know he wouldn't want me to bring her. So what should I do? I don't want to be rude to Ella and leave her out of my New Year's plans, but I know Jake won't want her there and he may even say that she can't come if I ask him. But if she's, but what if she's already invited herself? Do you see my quandary? Thank you.

Love Eve. I think if it's a party that you can just bring this person, it's not your problem that you're bringing her and it's more Jake's problem for sleeping with someone and ghosting them. Yeah. Do you feel bad bringing someone that the host ghosted? Like, what are you bringing her for? I ghosted and I'm a hosting now.

I ghosted and then I hosted. You don't, the host can't ghost. You can't spell ghost without host. I just don't. Yeah, like I think if it's a big enough party, it doesn't really matter. And if, as long as this girl Ella is not trying to go to confront Jake, because then you're sort of like enabling a weird confrontation and maybe it should just happen. Not at a party, but it's, yeah, that's what I'm curious about.

Does she only want to go to be like, Oh, well, then you ghosted me and here I am. That's right. Eve brought me so you can't get mad at me. I think that it's, it seems like it's more like I want to go to a party. I don't care about Jake ghosting me anymore. Or maybe she's like, maybe I'll still hook up with him if she still likes him. You never know. But I, as long as Ella hasn't like given you any signs, like I want to go so I can

cause a scene, then it seems like it's going to be okay. Yeah. Ask your friend if her intentions are true. I wonder if you even have to ask the intentions. It's also like, I don't know. This is so, Ella doesn't need your invitation to go. She already invited herself. She knows the party.

She knows the host. She had sex with him. She can definitely just show up. All you're doing is giving her a ride and you're probably taking an Uber. So you could just be like, I didn't, I don't know. Hey, I'm just here at your party. Thanks for having me. I didn't, did you hook up with Ella?

Weird, uh, by, uh, I'm going to go get punch. We don't have punch. I specifically didn't have punch because I knew Ella wouldn't be here. Sorry, you didn't have punch because you know how much Ella likes punch, but she wasn't coming so you didn't have it. I was afraid she'd want punch. You guys are both clearly obsessed with each other. Maybe you should, maybe you should be together.

I love her. I just can't deal with the punch talk anymore. The ghost reappears. It's a disaster already. So yeah, you can bring don't, you don't have to ask for permission, right? Yeah. No, I don't think you have to ask, I asking for permission inserts you in a way that seems like more meaningful than it you need to be.

This is not your drama. You're just going to a party. That's right. You didn't ghost anyone. You're not hosting a party. You are not even like, yeah, you're fine. You, whatever is going to happen, it's going to happen with or without you. Um, all right.

Last question ready, but have fun. Yeah. Okay. Have fun. Um, we'll call this guy, uh, Australia because he's from Australia. Cool. So I met this girl and she's great. We hit it off immediately and I've had four nights of passionate sex, been out

a few times and nonstop communicating ever since I've known her for about six weeks, but the trouble is she's gone off to Europe for 10 weeks. Here's the thing. I really want to message her the whole time she's there from back home in Australia and ask her about the trip, et cetera. But I want her to, you know, live her best life and I don't want to be hurt. I don't want to be the reason that she doesn't have an amazing time and fuck heaps of hot Italians or whatever.

I've developed a strong connection and aim on continuing it when she's back home. I don't want her to go fuck heaps of dudes, obviously, but I also don't want to like rob her of any fun experience. I guess my question is, do I cut communication while she's traveling or does that send the wrong message? Thanks. Day one. Love you guys.

Australia. I love the Aussies heaps, heaps. He's going to fuck heaps of guys. Mate, we'll sort it out. We'll sort it. Don't worry. Call that a knife. This is a knife.

It's a knife. And we lost all of our Australian fans. Wow. Oh, of course. Roddy Roo. Walla la loo. Do you text at all? Do you text too much?

Do you let her decide the tempo of texting? I think I really like this guy's mindset. Like he wants, he likes her. He wants to talk with her, but he doesn't want to rob her of the experience, but he doesn't want her to fuck heaps of guys. But he also was like, Hey, live your best life. I think that's kind of that. Take that in your heart.

Moving forward, you can contact her as you probably less than constantly, like less than you'd want to check in, ask how things are going and follow her lead. Like if you check in, you say, Hey, and she's like, doesn't respond for a few days and doesn't give you a lot. Then like, yeah, give her a little space. But if she's responding a whole bunch and like reaching out to you first and sending you pictures of her trip, then communicate as much as it's a dance. Just feel what is natural based on what you're getting.

Here's what I say. You set the tempo at one text per day. Then based on her response time, you adjust accordingly. If she takes three days to respond, you can't go faster than 50% of that time traveled. Okay. So you text her Wednesday at 11 PM. She doesn't respond until Thursday at 11 PM.

You better not text her back until Friday at 11 AM. That's right. If you could do it too fast and too like out of her tempo, she's going to be off put. If you waited her tempo, that might also be too slow. She's traveling. You're just at home. Why are you waiting a day?

So you have to set it at exactly half the distance to her goal in order to achieve the goal of texting her, keeping the lines of communication open, but not freaking her out or distancing her too much. Um, I couldn't have said it better myself. I think, well, I could have said it. You sort of like, you sounded a little, um, I'm pissed. Yeah. You sounded unhinged.

It was a weird rant. I'm erratic. But like, if you had written that down and submitted it to me and I said it in a normal voice, I think that's good advice. You freaked out. You kind of freaked out a little bit. It felt like you spiraled into madness as you said it, but it was mostly like, I'm sweating.

Yeah. It felt like it was mostly about like the, it was like the cadence of your voice, not actually the content of the pitch too. Yeah. The pitch too. Yeah. You're still loud for some reason. Why?

I don't understand it. Yeah. Like, why am I mad? Now you're seeming like you're crying a little bit. You're. But I'm not beat red. What's your hair is matted? Yeah, it's greasy for the first time for the first time.

I've never had like a greasy haircut now. The question though, to me is I agree with everything that you said, yeah, but setting the pace here's like, what is the first? It's the first few text messages that are the hard ones. It's the pace setting. It's you need the, the lap car. So like you send that first text. She's on the flight.

You send the, you send the first text like that night. Maybe like, Hey, I hope you got there safe. I hope you're settling in. I have a great trip and like, let me know how it is or something or some kind of inside joke, yada, yada. Do you really? You're smothering me. That's a good text.

That's fine. That one she's there. Do you really, you're saying set the pace at one a day. Do you really send a text the following day after you say, I hope your flight was good, have an amazing trip. You're going to set the pace at one a day. And you're going to be like, Hey, just checking in. What's for brekkie today?

Set the selfie. Would you have an amazing time? I want you to experience everything. Uh, right. Ever caught a toast? Did you bring any Vegemite? Mr. Heaps, have you fucked an Italian yet? Hey, as your boyfriend in Adelaide, I'm on the next flight to Florence.

How's the gang bang in Venice? Send me your Airbnb information. I'm starting to freak out. Do you really send the text the next day? I think you have to send the send the welcome to your welcome to the rest of your life text, have a good one. And then you have to wait. You have to wait.

Are you telling me there's no Wi-Fi anywhere you've been? It's not like I'm asking you to check into an internet cafe. WhatsApp is free once you've dialed up. All righty. Miss your heaps. How many Italians have you fucked? Milady, because I'm starting to get a little creeped out. That you're not interested in me.

Australian pirate now. What happened? I've decided to walk the plank with you. You have broken my heart and I have to shart. Nyer. No, but I do miss you, so call me back. Pirate's life for me. All right, babe.

Remember when we went on a, I believe it was Australia, New Zealand or somewhere and I was sort of dating someone and then there was no communication over it. It got like very cool and casual to the point where we didn't text for the entire time. And then I got home and the relationship basically ended. Like I texted her that I was back. She didn't respond and we didn't see each other for years. I do. I remember that incredibly well.

We were in, I believe it was, it was Australia. We were gone for like 10 days and in the middle of that trip, you guys, the text thing had slowed and you were like, I don't even know if we're going to see each other when we get back. We got back. I remember you texted Shalom with an exclamation point. And you never heard back from her and I never reached out again. No, you did.

Don't you remember this part? No. Three years later, we were at our sister's brewing company and didn't you guys meet up and you found out why she goes to you? Yeah, sort of. It was basically like neither of us were that interested in repursuing the relationship once I had returned. And so when I sent her Shalom exclamation point, she's like, that's it.

I'm not going to text you after that. And then she didn't respond to me and I was like, that's it. I'm not going to fire another text message. And I guess it was for the best. It had thinned to the point of like barely even acknowledging you coming back. And that was it's yeah. So I guess there is a risk when both sides, both sides have thrown their hands up. Yeah.

But like that wouldn't have happened if you were super into it, like because you would have gotten back and you would have been like, hey, I'm back. I've missed you. I want to tell you all about my trip. Let's get dinner. And she wouldn't have been like she wouldn't have not responded to that. Yeah. Or if she was super into it, she would have been excited to receive

the Shalom exclamation. Right. So I think as long as one party is super into it, there will at least be some kind of there at least will like have to be some kind of clarity. Like if you missed her the entire time, but felt like you didn't hear from her enough and then she gets back and you're like, hey, I want to hear about the trip. Like then at the very least, you guys would have like a breakup. You won't get completely ghosted like Blumenfeld did. I was I was a ghost by a host.

Yeah. Well, I guess the ghost reappeared a few years later. That was that was I don't really that was I remember firing off those texts three years later. I don't know why we did that. Yeah. I don't even know if it was three years. I feel it's just like eight months. I thought it was I really thought it was it was at least a year. I don't think I've seen that person since that refiring.

So I guess it wasn't meant to be. Yeah. You're getting surgery soon. By the time this comes out, it'll have been done. Yeah, I will either have a fixed metatarsal or I'll be dead. So after after all, yeah, after all the hooting and hollering on this podcast, I feel like it's the end of an era.

Your your foot pain might be coming to a close. My foot pain may actually be coming to a close. That would be absolutely incredible. I go under the knife on Tuesday. And it is it's Friday right now. So I've got I've got four days going to go into surgery in four days. Yeah. And then by the time this comes out, it'll be like a week after that.

So we'll be able to fill people in in the new year. Oh, yeah, baby. Well, Godspeed, I hope you survive it. Thank you. Yeah, me too. I think I got my pre-op and they said I was healthy. I had a good blood pressure, they said. That's good. And I'm not allergic to anesthesia, so I have a good chance.

All right. So if you have any questions for us or theme song submissions, the email address for all of it always is if I were you show at gmail.com. Claire wrote the opening one. This closing one, you know, it was really good. And I can't remember if we used it before. So if we used it before, I apologize, but it's good. So and if you're hearing it again, you're welcome.

It's by Rob August. So thank you, Rob, for submitting it twice for us. Thank you, Claire, as well. Thanks to you guys for listening throughout the decade. Here's to another 10 years together. Damn, love it. 2020 through 2030. Yeah, you know, next we should we should do like next week,

we should just do like a year or a reflection on the decade. A decade or a year. Yeah, that's what we should have done for this podcast. But all right, I'll delete the idea and we could just start it again. Oh, awesome. All right, cool. All right, cool. We'll be back next week. Bye, everybody. Peace.

Tell me about a time you had a situation you didn't know how to seize the cheese. You'd have the best advice taken chipmunk. You're there to sense. But mostly wish you time on the podcast. Well, some feel myself in a star. But so I turn to safety situations

and misunderstandings as big fun fight to choose. Better than no attention at all. My turn. The podcast down. I'm calling to say that out loud. Jump out of time. You are a situation you didn't know how to seize the cheese.

You'd have the best advice taken chipmunk. You're there to sense. But mostly wish you time on the podcast. Well, I'm for you. That was a hate gun podcast.