If I Were You - 416: Foot For Thought

Episode Date: January 7, 2020

In this episode we discuss Jake's surgery, Amir's new Twitter handle, and of course... poetry.For more IF I WERE YOU, you can watch over 25 bonus video Thursday episodes on our Patreon.com/JA!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Okay, was that a string quartet? That was an acoustic cover of Stoney's classic intro theme from Eric Sandhofner. I feel like Sandhofner did his string quartet. I really thought I heard a cello in there. Yeah, Eric or Evan let us know. He said he's been a fan for a decade now. Shout out to 2020, which is wild. Thanks for everything we do.

And if we could plug his Twitter, it's Evan Sandhofner. We're lucky trying to figure out how to spell that. I think it's a fucking cool ass name, Sandhof. How would you spell hoff to Sandhofner? S-A-N-D-H-A-U-F-N-E-R. It's H-O-E-F-N-E-R. Oh wow, yeah, that's hard, H-O-E-N, yeah, okay. One of those, speaking of Twitter handles, Jake, I don't know if you saw.

I saw. Much to my chagrin. I didn't even give you a heads up. You changed, no, I had to see it for myself, just a surprise on New Year's Day. Yeah, so. We're actually New Year's night. For about a decade, my Twitter handle was Jake and Amir based on an old episode we did where I, my character, so obsessed with you, wanted to have your name in the Twitter handle.

And it kind of worked out because most of the tweets were just about videos we made together. Correct. Since then, I've been tweeting, slipping down a dirty rabbit hole of alt-right memes, sort of hateful little asides and asnides, which are snide asides. Right. And as I devolve into this k-hole of sorts, I realized I've been representing you, perhaps, incorrectly.

Is that really why you decided to leave, because of all your anti-stimetic hate tweets? Well, it wasn't specifically that. One thing I never liked is when someone's like, hey, we had Jake and Amir on the show today, or if I did somebody else's podcast, and it was kind of confusing. It was like, wait, so Amir is Jake and Amir, but Jake is also Jake Hurwitz. It was a little confusing. It made a lot more sense when we had the web series. Now we don't even have that.

That's right. Even if they're like, so it's Jake and Amir, why? And then you say, I have a web series, go check it out. Now it's not even helpful for that purpose. So I wanted Amir, which is obviously my Instagram name. That would be ideal, but that's not available naturally. But Blumenfeld, do you know who had Blumenfeld? No.

Your brother? My brother had Blumenfeld, twitter.com slash Blumenfeld, but he, when he married and had a child, changed his last name. That's right. Is he at Blumenrose now? He went from Blumenfeld to Blumenrose, thus, or I think his twitter name is Ben Blumenrose. And then his twitter handle was available. So he's like, if you want, when I change it, you can snag Blumenfeld.

I'm like, okay, how does that work? He's like, I have to leave it and you have to like take it right away or else somebody might snipe it. And then you have to get somebody to get the Jake and Amir handle because somebody might snipe that. So I'm like, okay, this is a good time to change it because. Who'd you get to snipe the Jake and Amir handle? I just created a new username that has been switched to Jake and Amir and then I changed

the Jake and Amir to Blumenfeld. So now my twitter handle is just Blumenfeld, which is cleaner. The only problem is I'm no longer verified on twitter. Oh, interesting. How do you get verified? That's kind of hard, isn't it? Yes, it is. It is quite hard.

But you didn't lose any followers. You just don't have the check symbol. That's correct. So I went to. Everything's the same. I went to re-verify and it was like, yeah, that process is closed. You can't really do that anymore. I was like, all right, didn't think that far ahead.

Blue checkmark is gone. Gone forever. Damn, you hate to see it, man. I don't know if I can continue to do the podcast with you at that stage. No, because if it'll be in this fashion where I have a blue checkmark and you don't, I just feel like we're not on equal ground in a way. I'd prefer, I think, to end our professional relationship. So that way I'm not really hosting a podcast with a nobody.

If that tracks, I don't know if that makes sense on your end. It doesn't. But for me, that's kind of where it has to, where it's going to net out, frankly. I'm still the same person. Obviously, the tweets are all still there. It's just the names different. This artificial blue checkmark, which a lot of people have, is just. Now you're Bloominfeld, uncheck, unverified, uninteresting, and unadored.

Oh my God, I just went to your Twitter profile. It's just, actually, it looks kind of cool to have, it goes like a mirror and then at Bloominfeld right next to it. Yeah, I changed my name, so it's just a mirror and then my handle is at Bloominfeld. Yeah, it looks clean like that. It is clean. Not the checkmark. Yeah.

I don't know. It's nasty. It's nasty to see. It's nasty for me. Actually, speaking of equal footing, your update. Yeah. You know what? I got the surgery.

I lived. Okay. That was good. So what was that about? The foot surgery? You went completely underneath, right? You were like out of it. Yes, I did.

But I guess I don't know exactly what the difference is, but there's general anesthesia and then there's local anesthesia. Yeah, I think local is like, isn't local just when your foot's numb but you're awake? Yeah, so they must have done, I mean, I was definitely out. They just didn't put my entire body to sleep. They didn't shut it down. Oh, interesting. So you were more like in a sleep state rather than a coma?

Yeah. I mean, I wasn't there. I felt like they, maybe it's, they like put some kind of, they put a mask on me. I got tired. I blinked. I was awake. The surgery was over. Okay.

That feels like general to me. Yeah. But there's, it was not, it was local anesthesia. Okay. I'll look it up real quick so we're not spewing false information. So all right. Do you fall asleep during local? Wow.

It's really funny. Somebody, one of the things that got filled in was, do you fall asleep during a nap? That's a good question. All right. What about local anesthesia is given directly over the area where you have your procedure. Your healthcare provider may also give you conscious sedation or deep sedation to help you sleep during your procedure. So I guess, I think that is what happened.

Yeah. I don't, I was sedated. I see. What about local anesthesia? So that is when, that's when John Wolf puts you to sleep with, with local, with, with a local anesthetic, but doesn't actually give you the surgery. So you sort of just lose an hour of your time, which isn't illegal. It's fine.

For him to steal time is, is not real theft. Yeah. And he didn't really. Stealing time is a crime you can get away with. He didn't do anything. Stealing time is not a crime. That's right. And he doesn't really do anything.

You just sort of like, you, you lose time and you're confused cause you don't know what he did, but ultimately it's nothing. So what he did was convince the doctor not to give me the surgery. Like I, I went out and he was like, he's allergic to titanium and I feel like the screws you're going to put in the foot are titanium and the doctor was like, yeah, they are. And Wolf was like, yeah, he should have said that on the form, but I'm, trust me, like I know. So, right.

So like we just have to wait for him to wake up and then I woke up and it's like, yeah, he stole my time. So fortunately you did local and not local anesthesia. You wake up after your foot surgery. What's the foot surgery specifically? Did they tell you? Yes. It is.

Oh God. Damn it. It's, um, hold on. Let me, uh, let me look up what it's called. It's, uh, it's called, can't wait, it's going to be so good, osteotomy, osteotomy, osteotomy. So that means sounds like they're getting rid of something. Yes. It was bunion surgery is they got rid of my bunion on one foot though, on one foot, though

the bunion itself was not what was causing my pain. It was, um, it was, it's related because when it, when they move the bunion over, when they shift your foot or whatever, uh, they shortened and tighten up the ligaments and I had ligament damage in my foot. I see. That's what it fucked up. And when they, when they said they went in there and like tinkered around, we're like, yeah, we saw the ligament damage.

They did not mention, like if they saw the damage and like shockingly enough, uh, my doctor who did my MRI and was planning on the surgery, uh, got into an accident just before my surgery and broke his arm. So I had to have another doctor do it who didn't know me at all and I'm going over it with him and I'm like reading what, you know, they tell you what they're going to do. And it's like osteotomy, uh, removal of painful bunion. I was like, well, my bunion is not really, I like it. And I'm like, so you're going to fix like the, the torn ligaments.

And he just looks at me. He's like, the what? As you're falling asleep. I'm like in a gown at this point. Like I'm, I've driven back to New York city on Christmas Eve. I'm like ready to go into surgery and he's just like, what am I doing? Washing his hands, but like not really fully. Just a quick rinse.

You're not using soap. Doc, call the other guy. Have him fucking explain it to you. Eating a kind bar. Sorry, this is my first day. What, what do we have to do? I mean, it did feel like that a little bit. It was weird, but the other nice thing is that like, um, since it was Christmas Eve,

I was like the only person in the, in the surgery center and I got like three anesthesiologists, like five different nurses. Everybody, everybody, uh, I was, I was the only person there. So I was just, I had like many people looking after me, including two Jake and Amir fans. Yeah. I was going to ask where it was. Everybody there Jewish cause that's, that's usually how it works at like my

brother's hospital. Like he has to work on Christmas because he gets like Hanukkah off. Um, I don't, there, I think maybe some people there were Jewish, but not everyone. Definitely not everyone. Cause some people were talking about it being Christmas Eve. I got there and someone was wearing like reindeer. That was the doctor. With a bone saw Rudolph nose and a bone saw.

So you wake up surgery was a success, basically. Yes. They, they say that it went well. I'm back in my room. I'm groggy. They say, uh, but they've texted my wife, Jill comes up. I'm chilling in the bed. They give me saltines.

They give me apple juice. I'm a good little boy. I did the surgery good. And sorry, did you say you texted my wife? I look down at my leg. There's a bloody stump. I look for the doctor, but I only see the Joker. Have you seen Joker yet, by the way?

No, and I don't think I shall. I still really want you to see it, just to commiserate with you. And if you dislike it as much as I do. I'm certain I will, but I will, I'll, I'll see it. I, um, I got a screener, so I'll check it out. So how much pain is there as you leave the hospital? Um, so the doctor gives me my pain meds. He tells me, um, to take it easy.

He's like, um, he gives me like all of the post care stuff. Uh, I leave, I walked out using a cane. Whoa, cane. Feeling like unsteady, but no pain, completely pain free. I'm walking. I like went into a rest stop on the way home. Uh, it's Christmassy. If we're driving back to my aunt's house, uh, I get there.

I'm thinking like this is, it's, it's crazy. I had, I had surgery today and now I'm drinking a beer, singing Christmas carols, pain free science, um, science. But then, and then, then at all the pain, the pain sort of the, the pain begins around, around the time the family is gathered around the tree singing, Oh, holy night. Actually, can you guys knock it off? It really is starting to hurt.

Grandpa Bill, it's no longer a silent night. This is an unholy night to be certain. So what does it feel like? The pain to start, it's like, it really, it felt like someone stuck a letter opener into the sole of my foot and wrapped it up really tight with tape. Jesus on the inside or on the outside of it? On the inside of my foot, it is like a hot, throbbing pain. Like, like he left a pen in there by accident.

It, it felt like, in my head, like I'm imagining if I unwrap my bandage that like it's just an infected wound stapled shut with a tie with bubblegum. It felt like my foot was trying to explode out of the, out of, uh, the bottom. It was like, so I instantly go home. Are you in a sour mood? I was in, I think I was, I was just, no, not like sour mood, but sort of just like silently freaking out. Like, oh God, what if something is wrong?

Yeah. My sister was just like talking to me and she's like, you're like, you seem like you're handling everything really well. And I was like, I actually need to go home. I appreciate that, but I need to go home now. It's hard because you don't want to like, you don't want to alert everyone else, but you also don't want to act like so like proud and confident that they think that everything's fine.

You're like, yeah, I'd look calm, but I want you to know that if you were in this pain, you'd be like crying a lot. So like that's the severity here. I don't want to freak anyone out, but I like, I don't want to ruin Christmas, but, but everyone needs to take care of me post haste. I don't want to make this about me, but I need help a lot. So what, did they give you stronger pain medicine so you can get back on the. So I got, I got something called hydrocodone.

It's like an opioid. It's like Percocet, I think it's like, it's a strong pain. It's the shit that wrestlers get addicted to. Yeah. Um, and part of the issue was that Jill, even like seeing that I was getting uh, an opioid, uh, was so nervous about me taking it that she really didn't even want me to take them at all. Oh, like, because you might get addicted.

Yeah. So I'm in a ton of pain and I like take one and Jill is just like so apprehensive, just like watching my every move. And I, it's like a couple of hours later, I'm like trying to go to sleep. I need another one and she, she's treating me like I'm addicted already. Can you just take an emergency instead? Maybe we have an airborne gummy. Yeah.

She, she wants like, yeah, she just wants me to ice it and go to bed. I'm like, I truly can't sleep. It feels like someone is not, it feels like a raccoon is eating, eating the sole of my foot. So I wake up the next morning, I barely sleep. It's like, maybe I slept for two hours. This is Christmas morning. Like the whole of the night.

Yeah. And everything I say about getting you surgery the day before Christmas, because of how much attention they pay to you is actually bad on Christmas when you feel like something's gone wrong. Cause no one is there. Like the surgical center is closed. Uh, they're like, if you are having problems called your go to the emergency room basically, I don't want to go to the emergency room on Christmas.

Right. I call my doctor, uh, they're obviously closed. They give you like the doctor's cell phone numbers, but it's seven a.m. And I texted my doctor, uh, then I called the other one who had broken his arm. Uh, eventually they get back to me at like nine or 10 a.m. Uh, and the doctor who had broken his arm was just like, I think what happened as they wrapped the bandage too tight. So like your foot is really inflamed.

If the bandage is too tight, it doesn't matter how many pain meds you take. It's probably not going to do anything. Oh, so he has a theory. Does he? Yeah. So I unwrapped the ACE bandage. There's three bandages on my foot. There's like the main one covering the stitches.

There's like gauze wrapped around that. And then there's an ACE bandage wrapped around that. Um, so I take the ACE bandage off instantly feel better. Oh wow. Not like, not like everything is cured, but like the pain medication that I was taking started to work then. Yeah. Cause nobody's squeezing your open like wound basically.

Right. Exactly. And then, um, and then it sort of started coming back and I cut, this is another thing the doctor said I could do. I cut the top of the gauze, uh, just to relieve some of the pressure even from that and instantly felt better. Oh, uh, so, but then I, even though they had said that I'd be able to walk in like a walking boot, I couldn't walk for, um, I guess it's been two, maybe

two weeks now, almost two weeks now. And I can't walk, but I can like, I can, I think I'll be able to walk like tomorrow. I've been like hobbling a little bit when I need to, so like, but I haven't really, I've essentially completely stayed off it where when they talked to me about the surgery, they were like, yeah, you'll be like in a walking boot the day after surgery. Yeah, like start running, they're jogging around now. Yeah, that's, I mean, that there's like no way that's happening. It's so tender, but, um, today was the first day where I feel like I can, I've

been walking on the boot. It feels all right. Are you off the opioids? Uh, yeah, I truly, because Jill was so nervous that it was like, it was not worth it to me. Uh, so I was taking Tylenol and it was, the pain wasn't that bad. I had like other meds for the inflammation, which seemed to be the more painful thing anyway.

Showering. Um, I, I got a sponge bath the first week and now I'm, I've graduated to, I can bathe myself. I just put my foot outside the shower with a garbage bag wrapped in it, and I can shower myself. We have to stand on one foot the whole time. I sit, I just sit in the tub and I draped my foot over the side, uh, and like, it's sort of like a half shower bath.

Yeah. And at what point do the stitches go away or you can take actual showers? Um, they're coming out tomorrow. Oh, so then you can, in theory, wear a real shoe in theory, if the swelling's gone down enough, he, the doctor thinks I could wear a sneaker, which is weird. Cause like the boot that they give you, it feels like it's less comfortable on my foot than if I just was wearing like an ultra boost, right? Like the sneakers I wear are pretty comfortable.

It's, I guess this, the thing that this cast has is like, it has a really rigid bottom, so I can't bend, uh, I can't bend my, uh, toes. Right. Which prevents stretching of the wound. Exactly. So tomorrow's the big day. If, yeah, tomorrow the stitches either come out tomorrow or stay in for another week. Wow.

Groundhog's day. What are you hoping for? I mean, I guess I don't mind the stitches in another week. I like showering with a plastic bag over my foot. It's just a bag. It's just a bag after all. Uh, yeah. Once that's, once that's done, I, I think once I can start, um, walking on the

boot too, instead of the crutches, it'll feel, it'll feel a bit better. What's interesting about getting like a physical injury is like all of the things that stressed me out or bumped me out before seem like they're not a big deal anymore, which I think is kind of nice. It's put things in perspective. Yeah. Like now I'm just, now I'm thinking like, Oh, as soon as my foot feels better, everything is good.

Whereas before I was like, Oh, with like this work, this work, this work, it's all stressing me out. It's all too much. Yeah. Now I'm like, okay, now it's only my foot. That's too much. Everything else is manageable. Once you're healthy, how bad could anything be as long as I can walk there?

As long as it doesn't feel like someone is branding the bottom of my foot for an entire night, that's a good way to keep a perspective in the new year. Yeah, I should just like stab myself in the foot every once in a while. Every time I have another panic attack, I'll just, I'll just stab myself in the foot. I also like the idea of you texting your doctor who has a fully broken arm. You're like, my foot really hurts. Like, what should I do about it?

And he's like texting you back in like full body cast. I love that doctor so much. He's so good. He was so concerned. Good man. He's definitely going through his own shit. He's Jewish, so he wasn't celebrating Christmas at least. Uh, all right, let's take a break here and then we'll come back and try to answer

some questions for this is, if I were you, an advice show. The only one on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. And we'll be back after these. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake.

Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the goat father's day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just father's day, but if for any not so tech, savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah.

For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents.

So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're they're great, really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we how we told Jill's grandma.

She was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, uh, this is how I told my grandma.

She was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like a she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant.

It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole

family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah.

Exactly. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit aura frames. That's a u r a frames dot com. And our listeners can use code head gum to get up to 30 dollars off plus

free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait terms and conditions apply. That's aura frames a u r a frames dot com. OK, go get your parents something.

All right. And use the code head gum for 30 dollars off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, aura. And now back to the head gum podcast you were listening to this show is sponsored by better help. Thank you. Better help.

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Check them out. Thanks, better help. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a letter to the fire. Well, I'm coming. Gross. Yeah, you know what?

I think we should we should mention ways to help Australia from burning if we can. Yeah. L.A. was burning a few months ago. And now the entirety of Australia seems to be consumed in hundreds of brush fires that burn across its coastline. Yeah. And all I think about is my goddamn foot. I love Australia.

Let's try to help them if we can. You looked up some places where people can donate, right? Yeah, Australia and Red Cross Salvation Army Disaster Appeal. And everything is just pretty much one Google search away. So find a way to donate every every little bit, every little bit helps. Yeah. You know what? I'm going to put my money where my mouth is.

I'm donating 48 cents. Cool. Sent. I just think it's important that you sent a book of us a stamp. You sent a stamp. Both of us. We can't just say like, oh, donate and then we're not donating. Yeah, I think we should give we can give from the podcast a couple hundred bucks.

People just heard some advertisements. We can just give a percentage of that at 48 cents. Wouldn't want I'd hate to 48 cents. I'd hate to dip into my nest egg too much. You just said that you were you had a new lease on life. You wanted to put things in perspective. You realized that there are bigger problems. So I gave fucking two quarters, essentially.

Not really even two quarters. Less than that. Well, I could deliberately less than that. Why don't you just say 50 cents? You're going to nickel and dime me out over two cents. Fine. I'll give an extra two. Right.

So that would that make you knock it off? Nickel and dime is like a. That's basically what you gave. You gave yeah, you gave less than nickels and dimes, 48 cents, so little. Fine. All right, we'll do it from the podcast. Send it to me first and I'll send it to Australia. Coward.

All right. New year, new us. I asked on Reddit. That's right. Throwing it back. We have a very active subreddit. If you haven't been if you haven't been hanging around there, it's r slash Jake and Amir. People still in there.

People still hanging out in there. And in fact, I asked if anybody had any questions for today's episode, hit us there. We got about 70 of them overnight. That's right. So if you're looking to connect with some other Jake and Amir fans, I know my Twitter handle is different, but Jake and Amir fans still exist on our subreddit. Here's some questions. All right.

First one from Dublin yay. Very good. Hey, Amir in the pinch. I just started re listening to the podcast to make my commute more bearable and I noticed how much mature, how much more mature you guys got from seven years back. Do you ever listen to old apps? And if so, what do you think of your old selves? P.S. Go bills.

Dang. Uh, do you ever listen to old episodes? I don't. I'm kind of nervous too. What do you, what makes you nervous about it? Like, what if we were a lot happier then? I mean, I don't think I was, but we were definitely more carefree. Yeah.

Do you feel like though that you always feel more carefree when you look back on stuff? Yeah, because like I, I'm sure that I had cares. I was, I wasn't like things weren't, I was stressed about money back. Yeah. You were just stressed about different things, but like, I guess every, I mean, every year you get older, you get a little more weighed down with like responsibility in college. You don't have very many.

When you get out of college, you're figuring stuff out. 10 years after that, you have more responsibility. House payments, car payments, health issues. Yeah. That's, that is fair. So I would assume we were like lighter. Yeah. I guess so.

But I mean, maturity, I don't know. Yeah. Well, I was definitely, I personally was less mature. You were always kind of mature. Yeah. I was kind of a dorkist back then, but I wonder if that comes through in our podcast. I don't know.

Maybe we should listen to like episode 14 and see what we sound like. Didn't we listen to like an early question one time? We listened to like something from a long time ago. Yeah. And our voices were pretty much the same. And I was like, oh, it seems the same to me. Let's stop listening now. Please turn it off.

Please. I don't want to, I want to, I want confirmation that I was glad then. I don't want to grow. I don't want to grow as a person as all. So we don't listen, but we should. It might be healthy or it might, or it might make us cripplingly depressed. That's cool. Molotov beta writes, how does it feel like to fulfill the fantasy of being a

diva roach named Hugo? Follow up. That, uh, what was the best quote day off you've had recently? Oh, okay. Well, I guess the first questions for you go, how did it feel like to fulfill the fantasy of being a diva roach named Hugo? It was fun. You were going to be a diva roach when you started.

I knew I was going to be like a slippery little elf man who is constantly trying to troll and ruin things, but I didn't realize I'd be successful in my mission. It's, it is crazy how, how much chaos you brought. In 44 straight minutes. Um, so that was fun. It was fun to see just the, uh, like the details of D&D. I didn't realize how much like actual dice rolling and luck is involved. Yeah.

And you are, you were lucky in fucking us. Yeah. I hit the big numbers when I needed to. What was the best day off you've had lately? I don't know. I feel like we've had three months off. We like, this is our first day back. Ask me what my favorite day of work has been recently.

Yeah. The holidays are insane. It's like once, once Thanksgiving starts, you're like, uh, it's, we're essentially off till nobody's working. Nobody's working. Nobody's working. But we did, we worked pretty hard through November and December. I think this year it's been like three, it's been like three straight weeks of Sundays.

Basically. Yeah. I guess since December 18th, we haven't done anything. That's cool. Day off with a setting. See, I told you we were sadder now. Um, well, because after my surgery, I couldn't, I like couldn't walk at all. My family, uh, was on, we went away for like a long weekend for Christmas.

Um, my immediate family plus significant others and they like had stuff to do. They like went to a winery. They went on a hike, they went on walks, they went into the town and I couldn't do anything. I couldn't even like, it even hurt to be upright on my crutches cause like the blood would flow into my foot and it would just be really painful. So I straight up had to just lie on a couch all day and read my book and it was so nice. Yeah. It's like forcing you to be lazy for your own self-good.

So it's none of the guilt of laziness. Yeah. Cause I think sometimes when you have a day off, you're like, even if you're like, I'm not going to do anything today. I'm just going to watch TV and read all day. Like noon one PM rolls around. You're like, Jesus, I haven't even left the house. I really got to at least take a walk.

I got to do something, uh, but not me. In fact, I think my foot still hurts seven months later. It's been nine months, Jake. I have a toe ache. You have an ingrown toenail now. Yeah. It's going to be weird. We're like, can you imagine like working out again, like sprinting and doing squats?

Like, doesn't that seem so far away? It does, but that's also like what I fantasize about. That's why I got the surgery because doing exercise where I bent my foot and like pushed off was like not painful in a way that made me not do it. Like I still did run, but it didn't feel that great. I had to like go, go through the pain. If I can like go on a jog pain-free, I'll feel like I want, I want to do squats. I want to do high intensity workout.

Do you have to get the surgery on your other foot? If this is successful? No, cause my other foot doesn't have any pain in it anymore. I think some people do if they have bunions that are painful in each foot, but mine in my right foot is fine. My feet will look weird, I think, because I'll have a big bunion on my right foot, nothing on my left. Oh, that's cool.

But aside from that, shit's fine. Uh, crazy really Moorish writes, Hey dudes, quick question. Do you wash your legs in the shower? I do, but my flatmates think it's overkill and that the water just washes that bit. Am I weird? PS, any plans to come back to London? Wait, say that again? Do you like actively wash your legs with soap or do you just like let the water trickle

down and that's pretty much good enough? I, what do you do? Before, before I admit to something gross, let me know what status quo. I think I wash, I have a theory on what you do. I wash like my private parts and then invariably my thighs and quad area. I don't, I don't think I bend down and like scrub my calves. Oh, interesting. I, I put soap all the way down to my ankles, but I do not wash my feet.

Yeah. And it seems fine. Like the water and the soap trickles downhill. Yeah, it just seems like kind of risky to be standing up in the shower, go one foot and like put soap and make your, the bottom of your foot super slippery. Yeah. Do you need to actively clean the bottom of your foot? I imagine that's the cleanest part of your body.

You just put it in a sock. Yeah, but I mean, it definitely gets sweaty. It's kind of nasty. That's true. All right, I'll give myself a foot scrub. Thanks Craig for a more really Moorish. Yeah, we should do that. Beko underscore AU writes, Hey, is there anything you wanted to show or film on

Jake and Amir that you were unable to? Oh, there, I remember I wrote an episode that took place in IAC before we moved across the country and we never ended up filming it. And then it never made sense to do it in LA. And then we ended the series before we ever got to do it. It was, there was the only thing that I remember about it. It was like a Jake and Amir where you were, where I was going home to Connecticut for the weekend and you were coming along with me for like a road trip.

Oh, I remember it now. Okay. So the joke that I remembered that I wanted to make is like you somehow like bump me out of the way and you're going to be the driver. Uh, and then you sit in the car and then you're like, Oh damn, this is unfortunate. And I go, what? And you say, I'm a righty. And you say, this is a left handed car.

Cut to an accident where it flips five times. And I think that was the premise because, uh, I remember we were going to do an episode that was us upside down in the car. That's right. I do remember that idea where it starts with an accident and then the rest of the episode or even multi-parter is us waiting for the ambulance to arrive and we're upside down. Right. So that was, that was the premise and that was why we didn't film it before we left

because getting a car upside down turned out to be impossible. We, and they weren't, it wasn't going to be able to happen. But yeah, the, the, the beginning was that you were, uh, going to try to go home with me for the weekend. All right. There you have it. It's not like anything special effects, just the idea of me going home with you that we never shot.

Yeah. Well, I mean the, the entire thing, but the only thing that I remember is that I like the joke of you thinking that there was one handed, the left handed cars. Bad user name now, bad you writes, hi friends. My girlfriend and I have the perfect relationship. One thing we are debating at the moment is if we should hyphenate our last names when we get married. Our last names are Lee and Lou.

She wants to hyphenate it to Lee Lou. I don't want to hyphenate it at all. I don't care if she wants to keep her last name or take mine. I just don't want the last name to be Lee Lou. I think it sounds childish and sing-songy and our children, if any, will get bullied for it. Thoughts? I guess I agree. Lee Lou.

I mean, it's kind of cool. I think it's just, but if you're not into it, I don't think that it's the right move. Yeah. I mean, I did get a Twitter name out of my brother doing this, a similar, although they didn't go hyphenate. They went like an amalgamation. And it's not like his wife wanted to and he didn't or the, it was a mutual decision that everyone was into.

Compromise. This one seems to be a Lee Lou based non-compromise. Yeah. So if I'm fully against, she's fully for, I don't think that the person who wants to change the name or to combine the name is allowed to win. The person who wants status quo gets to keep the name. What about the last name of Quo? Status Quid Pro Quo.

My status is Quo, as is my last name. John Quo. As is the Quid. Hi, Pinch and Amir. I recently racked up $15,000 of credit card debt and need to start living within my means to pay my money back. Amir, you mentioned something like a 3, 7, 10 plan a while back, but what are their money saving techniques did you two use as poor 20-somethings?

Yeah. What was the 3, 7, 10 plan? $3 for breakfast, $7 for lunch, and $10 for dinner. It's $20 a day on food. Oh, I see. That, I think that was like when I first moved to New York and the idea of spending $7 on lunch anymore is like seemingly impossible. Sandwiches used to cost $7 and now they're like $14.50.

Right. $10 on dinner is also funny. If you entirely eat at Bodega in New York, you could definitely do it. Just like, I think you get a $5 to $6 sandwich. For some reason, like Bodega breakfast sandwiches never cost more than like $1.50. Like everything else has gone up 80% to 200%. But like a bacon and cheese will always be $1.75. Yeah, it's crazy.

It's amazing. New York's the best. But then if you go to like another restaurant, it's like, yeah, that's this salad is $18. Yeah, this isn't a Bodega salad. This is sweet green and it costs $14 for this. For a bowl. And if you want there to be protein in it, you better cough up another eight. I mean, oh, did you say salmon?

That's $1,000. That's an $18 salad. But did you want grilled chicken on the chicken salad? That's another $9. Dark meat chicken? That's $12 and you have to be my servant. Provocato, that's another $18 salad. And you're first born.

Making your own food is a very classic way of saving cash. Like it is kind of sad. I mean, I guess it's just sad to me to like make a salad at home, bring it in and eat it while everyone else goes out. Like going out for lunch is like a fun way to break up your day. But some people really do take great joy in making their own lunches. Yeah, I go back and forth. I made my own lunch today.

It was nice. I like that every once in a while. Especially because I very rarely make myself an unhealthy lunch. So when I'm cooking for myself, it tends to be healthier than if I'm going out. Because if I'm going out, I'm like, oh, I should get a salad. Oh, but there's a BLT. So that's what I want. Yeah, it's always better when you pay more.

But then if you think about it like, all right, you're saving $8 per meal times 30 meals a month. You're saving a lot of money. Right, exactly. And if you're trying to do that, you can definitely do that. Hey, Jake and Mir, a few quick questions, writes Jos Winsky. Wipe while standing or sitting, bidet or no, shaver, wax, alcohol, or weed, toadah, jizz.

I love that jizz. Nice. Sitting. Of course. I don't have a bidet, but I do love a bidet. Like when I visit Headcom at Lay, and there's a bidet. Oh, baby. Do we have a bidet in the New York office yet?

Not yet, actually. I should do that. Alcohol or weed? Alcohol. I don't like weed at all. That rhymes. Oh, wow. I've not stopped rhyming.

Bidet, yay, alcohol, I don't like weed at all. What was the other question, jizz? Actually, you're more of a Vicodin man now. Fair. Did you start, I remember when Avi Tal got eye surgery. She's like, I can see why people like painkillers. Like it makes you feel a lot better very fast. Can you understand why it's such a addiction issue?

Honestly, I guess I can. It was interesting because the painkiller made my foot feel a bit better, but it didn't eliminate the pain. But if I had any other, like if I had like a crick in my neck, I wouldn't have it if I took the painkiller. Like it's very strong. So like small aches and pains do kind of go away. Yeah.

It really is like, I remember getting it for like my neck thing. They would give me like a intravenous hydrocodene or whatever. And I was like, ah, this feels so good. I guess that's why people love heroin. Right. I never got that feeling from it, but I'm sure. You should take more. It does make sense.

Yeah. Okay. Wait, so I have another thing, but first I want to know if you wipe sitting down or standing up. I already know these answers here, I think though. Yeah, yeah, sitting. I don't understand how you can wipe standing up. It clenches your butt cheeks shut.

Yeah, it's bizarre. You're also, I guess you like alcohol more than weed, but you don't really like either. Yeah. That's a good question. When I was drinking more, I probably preferred alcohol. But now that I'm like a little more of an indoor cat, maybe I do prefer marijuana, though I rarely do both.

But like if I, if you were to force me to like go home and ingest one or the other, I think I would prefer weed at this point because it like mellows you out. Well, if we were, I think that there are two different things too though, like if we were to give you the choice of go out and get a drink with some friends or go home and smoke weed and watch a movie or something, which I guess those, that's just like how I imagine those drugs working.

If you're staying at home, it's weed, but if you're going to go out, it's alcohol. Like which kind of night would you prefer? Yeah, probably. Home being baked or out being drunk? Probably home just because of the lack of hangover too. Right. And so this, I, for Jill's, for Christmas, I got Jill Lasik.

Whoa. Yeah, she hasn't gotten it yet. That was, that was the gift that I'm, that I'm going. A prop of it. Yeah. Well, I got her, I like booked her a consultation and set it all up. Wow. Does she want it?

She, she does want it, but now she's scared. Of course. But she, she went, she got the consultation. She is a candidate. They said it would work, but now she's like, she's sort of nervous. Yeah. I think Jeffrey is also like in the same space where he's like, he's a candidate and he's, was going to get it,

but then he had to push it and is thinking about it as well. What, like, it's crazy to me for, I mean, especially for you. So like, would you, do you recommend it across the board if you're, if someone is a candidate? Yeah. Or you like, it's not for everyone. I mean, it is not for everyone because it's like somebody pushing and prodding. Some people are like, I don't want anybody close to my eyes ever.

I can't have that. Like, oh, it freaks me out for somebody to get that close. It is very invasive. It's not painful, but somebody is pushing, pulling, squeezing, slicing your eyeball for sure. Totally. But the idea of not having to wear contacts or glasses anyway, and ever again was worth it to me.

Cool. I'll, you should FaceTime jail for me. Is she like nervous about the actual procedure of it? Yeah. Makes sense. All right. It is a laser in your eye. Last question.

I'm looking for a good one. Okay. Um, 70 questions and they're all garbage. Thanks for nothing. Some of them are about basketball. I don't want to end on a basketball one. Some of them are about, if I ever want to do D&D again, I feel like we covered D&D.

Oh, here. Oh, wow. Jake, what's your, I want to answer this other one, but yeah, go ahead. Oh, wait. It sounds like you might have found it. Is it the favorite poem? Yes.

That's what I want to read. All right, Jake, what's your favorite poem? I read good poems cover to cover after you suggested it. And now I have an English degree question mark. Anyway, Jake, favorite poem, Amir, any good reading recommendations these days? Love you guys and hope you're well, especially Jake's mom. I have a couple favorite poems.

I'll give my top two. I unabashedly love Mary Oliver. I think she's, by any Mary Oliver book, and it's filled with great, great poems, but Wild Geese, one of her more famous ones, is up there as one of my favorite poems. My other is First Lesson by Philip Booth. That one is in the book Good Poems,

and which is like a curated book of poems, but that's, I think that's my top favorite poem of all time. Will you recite a few passages for us? I'm really curious to hear just the first stanza. Do us the favor and just recite the stanza, first stanza, or maybe the first half of it, if there's... Yeah, I could, I'll, I guess I'll do... From memory, please.

I don't know it from memory. Okay, so First Lesson by Philip Booth. Lie back, daughter. We're out of time. Let your, okay. Of course, yeah, I'm sorry about that. If I were you, if I were you. You can keep going if it's actually enjoyable.

No, it doesn't matter. If you're into poetry, you should read it. I don't want my favorite poem of all time to be tainted with haters. So if you're really interested, check out First Lesson by Philip Booth, and then let me know on Twitter how much you liked it. And if you didn't like it, you can go,

fuck off, because that's beautiful. What about you? What's your favorite? I guess, what books are you reading now? You don't like poetry, right? No, I never got into poetry. I read it, it confuses me. It like pisses me off a little bit.

I'm like, why is this good? I don't get it. Am I stupid? I get like anxious and annoyed at like, why people like this thing and I can't quite understand it. That happens with me with a decent amount of poetry. And then sometimes it doesn't.

I think that's, that's like liking poetry, actually. You might, you might just be a good critic. You might enjoy it if you find a poem you like. Yeah, to be fair, I haven't given it much of a shot. Avital is always trying to get me into poetry because she likes it too. No, I should, I should share poems with her. That's nice.

Don't fucking talk to her about poetry. Amir, any good reading recommendations? I'm just saying, we give us something to talk about because we've been reading. What's that? Nothing. I've been in this habit of reading a book, starting strong and then slowly grinding to a halt

and stop, stopping to read it before it ends. And the most recent version of that is I'm reading Dan Gerwitz told me just to read Norm MacDonald's biography that he wrote. And it's kind of like absurd. It's barely even real, but he writes in a very funny way because it's Norm MacDonald. I think it's called a memoir.

That's good. I read half of it so far and it is indeed very funny as is Norm MacDonald. So I guess I could recommend it at this point. Norm MacDonald's a memoir. Nice. All right, first episode in the books of the new year, of the new decade.

Thanks so much for everybody for listening, whether you started in 2013 or if this is your first episode. For real. Opening theme song was written by Evan. This closing one was, it comes from Iceland. Finally. I fucking love it. I want to go shake the hand of whoever wrote it

because I love Iceland so much. It's Egiel Sigarsveinsen. So thanks, Egiel. Thanks to you guys for listening. If you have your own questions or theme song, send them all down to IfIWereYouShow at gmail.com. We should also mention that we put Lonely and Horny Season 1 on our Patreon.

Shit, we should have done that at the goddamn top. But yeah, Lonely and Horny Season 1. It's all out there on Patreon right now. Yeah, our Patreon now is like 30 or so, Jake and Mir Watch episodes, 30 or so, If I Were You, bonus video episodes, and now all of Lonely and Horny Season 1. Yeah, so if you're waiting to support us until we had a library worth supporting,

I think we've reached the threshold. I think this is a library. Okay. This is our life's work. For Christ's sake. Sweet. Thanks to you guys for listening and we'll be back. Of course, next week.

Ciao, everyone. Hey, dude. Hey. How was your day? It didn't really go well. It didn't go great. Tell me what's wrong. Are you okay?

No, man. No way. So I got beat up by a kid. He was seven years old. I was on my first date. Seesaw at all. Do you think it's all good? Think I still have a chance?

Dude, I'm not the right person to ask. When I was in trouble and shat my pants in front of my family and all of my friends, I heard of two Jews sharing their views on what they would do if they were you. So I'll seize the cheese and write the little piece. I hope I get an answer. I will pull my mind at ease

because I want my grandest. Seize lots of teas. I'll never forget how she left me in the leaves. That was a headgum podcast.