If I Were You - 417: Hostel Love

Episode Date: January 13, 2020

In this episode we discuss wedding speeches, popping videos, and the perfect text.For more IF I WERE YOU check out our Patreon.com/JA.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

We just haven't thought of intro music yet, and we wanted to get the show on as fast as possible. So yeah, for now we're going to be, I'll be trying out a different intro song every single week until you guys hate me enough that someone can send in a song that we can use instead. That's right. So this is the first and only advice podcast. Suicide in the Starbucks, I gotta bounce, see my cold of the night box, half an ounce,

frying off some stinky noodles, they won't hurt ya, wanna slap ya on the buns like a cheeseburger, I'll put your mind at ease while I seize the cheese, then I'll tap who's the Ricky Van Veen, I put it to YouTube and DVD, swiping right on Tinder trying to find my queen. I'm an optimist using communism, grandma thinks I'm living with her, but I isn't, let's believe I'm texting bitches when they ask to send them bitches, zero to DS and then fast back, then I get a text from my kick ass dad, said if I were you, yeah if I were you, yeah if I were you I wouldn't do that, yeah if I were you, yeah if I were you I wouldn't

do that, yeah, yeah you'd probably stop doing that, if I were you. Can you tell where he's from? The main streets of London mate. Close, Brisbane, Australia. Close enough mate. I will perform this live for you, he says, if we come back to Brisbane. I'm trying to go to Australia so badly, love that country. That was Dee Heezy and if we want to plug a soundcloud, it's soundcloud.com slash

Dee Heezy. Dee Heezy. He just hit 9000 plays and would love to make it 10k, so check out soundcloud.com slash Dee Heezy for a nice Aussie rapper. Cool, so at least you guys can do it if you haven't given to the Australian brushed briars like I freaking asked you to. Yeah, I hope this guy is doing alright out there, I mean he did just write this fire song.

Oh Jesus. What? We're raising awareness in our own way. It's only fair because California was on fire last December. And that was my fault. That was a sort of, I flicked a cigarette that I tried and I was like, oh. Into a bucket of gasoline that you dumped on a campsite. Yeah, onto some dry brush that I found in Calabasas.

So that one's on me, by bad, but thank you Dee Heezy. Thanks to you guys for listening, this is a Fire You, the only advice podcast on the web, hosted by us, I'm Amir. I'm Josh. Both in LA at this point. That's right. Got to keep people updated about our whereabouts. Sometimes we're there, sometimes we're here, sometimes we're both.

You never know anymore. You really never know anymore. How's your foot? Post surgery, two weeks in. Things are looking nice. Well, not actually they look horrifying, but it feels fine. You sent me a photo and your foot looks thicker than the other. It's a Frankenfoot.

Yeah, it's yellowish. I wanted to post it on Instagram and I was like, this is, will make people too squeamish. You think so? It is. It's twice as big. It's weird because it doesn't hurt, but it's twice as big as my other foot. It is. It's a lot.

It looks like it belongs to a Serbian basketball player who's seven foot two. Just a thick purple foot. It is true that my swollen ass big toe is the size of larger men's big toes. Yeah. It's not like inhuman. It's also a different color. I'm looking at it. It looks like a big pinkish, purplish, thick troll foot.

That'll be the bruising, bub. To the right. It's this really pale skinnier foot. It's a dainty little foot on my right and a thick little mutant zombie foot on the left. And you're telling me this doesn't hurt that much? I mean, it hurts if I put weight on it, but I've been walking around on my heel and this weird little boot that they have me in and it feels fine. Oh, so you're saying like the back of your foot is less in pain than the front?

Right. Before the front hurt so much that even putting weight on the back hurt. Transferred it. Yeah. But now it's really concentrated just in the front four inches of my foot. And as long as that's not touching anything, as long as it's not taking any strain, it really feels fine. That's good.

And I took a shower. Whoa, your first shower. My first shower. How'd that feel? I was honestly terrified the entire time. That water would get into the foot. I think I'm doing better than the doctor would even want me to. Because even though I was in the shower, I was kind of keeping it out of the stream.

Yeah, you're airing on the side of caution. I was quite fearful to be honest with you. It looks like a lot of water got into the foot and that looks like a swollen water balloon. It's waterlogged. Yeah, damaged. It looks like it was plucked from the Titanic. Knowing what the recovery is like, I guess you're not even fully out of it yet. But would you do the surgery on the other foot?

I mean, if I had the same pain on the other foot, I would. Yeah, because it's wild. I don't even feel like the resting pain that I had in my foot before. Even with this pain, you can tell that it's gone. Yeah, I used to just have a dull pain that I got used to kind of all the time. And now I don't have it anymore. So I'm fantasizing about walking without any pain. My god.

Can you imagine? You don't know what you got till it's gone. But the first two days, I was like, I would never do this again. I'm in too much pain. And now that it's over, I forget that it even happened and it feels like. That's a very common thing I've seen with friends and loved ones getting surgery, where it's like, when you're in the worst of it, you're like, this was a big mistake. I don't want to do this anymore.

And then at the end of it, you're like, eh, it felt fine. And in a year, you won't even remember the pain. Yeah, it's pain. Like memory is just so strange because I was trying to think of like, did I really not have any pain in my body during my 20s? Like there had to be things that were. Chronic. Frustrating at least. But you look back and just everything feels so carefree and good.

Yeah. Even the times when I was depressed in my life, I'm like, oh, that was the golden years. It seems like humans have a problem with when you're in something, it feels like that's permanent or that's like everywhere. Like I was feeling under the weather on Friday and I like saw somebody like going for a jog. It's like, how can you do that? How can you ever be healthy enough to run? We'll never be well again. Yeah.

And when you're hungry, you can't imagine being full. And when you're full, you can't imagine being hungry. It's just like whatever your current state is, it's hard for you to imagine in the future or in the past. It's interesting. We were like some of the most creative thinkers in the world. Not we, me and you. Just me. I guess like human beings.

But then we're so short. We have no imagination. Yeah. I can't imagine being hungry. Well, you were actually hungry just before you had all the fried rice. And now you're so stuffed, you think you can't imagine ever eating again. That's how I get when I'm hungover. I'm like, I never want to drink again.

Yeah. Because I'm currently feeling bad and I just assume I'll always feel this bad. Lord knows I say that most Sundays. I saw this tweet that had a video that explained that chimpanzees have amazing short term memory. And it had them like doing this computer program where it would flash one through 10 on a screen in different locations. And then the numbers would go away and the chimp would remember where the numbers were. Wow. And like humans can't even do that.

And they're like, because like thousands of years ago, evolution divided us into two groups. Like one of us learned how to talk and the other ones got like amazing short term memory. So humans, while we can talk to each other, like you said, be creative. We have very bad short term memory. Interesting. So like a chimp could meet someone at a party and then say bye and use their name if they knew how to talk. Yeah. There's never like, where did we meet?

How do I know you from? Yeah. We went on four bumble dates and you met my mom. Really? Damn it. But at least I can speak to you. Mace. That's very interesting.

Thanks, man. I mean, you didn't do anything. You sort of just regurgitated the tweet. It's called the Blumenfeld theory. No, it's not. And it's actually named after my Twitter account. At Blumenfeld theory? It's the twitter.com slash Blumenfeld theory.

All right. Let's see if we can answer some questions here. Why not? We got some real questions from real people going to give them fake names, of course, to preserve their anonymity. You got it. This guy's been with his girlfriend for about nine months and he's an avid Reddit user and recently came across a subreddit. So what should we call this guy? R slash soon to be single.

Nice. Sorry. I've been with my girlfriend for nine months and I'm an avid Reddit user and recently came across the subreddit r slash popping. It's a zip popping Reddit. Yeah, I could have deduced that, I guess. I'm not too sure, but I find it relaxing and I hope and it helps me kick back. My girlfriend saw me watching a video on it and called me absolutely disgusting. She compared me to the guy from Don't Fuck With Cats.

That's the guy that murdered cats? I'm not quite sure. I know there's a documentary called that. I don't know what it's about. I believe this dude, it's a documentary about a guy that kills cats on Reddit. Basically, she says he's a monster. She said I should go to therapy, which is an idea I'm pondering with anyway. I don't know what to do.

This is our first major issue in our relationship. Thanks. Love r slash soon to be single. I actually don't think he's going to be single. I think this is going to be fine. If this is your first major issue, then congratulations. You still don't have a major issue. You don't think her being so disgusted and saying you have to go to therapy for this is a major issue.

I wonder if he's overthinking her reaction. Like if she was just like, oh my God, that's disgusting. You should go to therapy and now she's not thinking about it anymore. But because it's something that was personal to him. I see. It feels like it's a bigger deal than it is. That's cool. He's the one who's blowing things out of proportion, not her.

Popping things out of proportion. Nice. Yeah. If this were me, I would sort of treat it almost like porn or a guilty pleasure. It is kind of like porn. You see these intimate moments. Oh, and it's like sort of scratching and tickling weird parts of your brain and dick. Do you like zit popping vids?

I don't. Can I show you one from r slash popping? Sure. Like would you be too gross to watch it? I would be grossed out. I just don't really think it does anything. I guess I'm like fascinated but not interested. Is that possible?

Yeah. It was a thing. I remember Streeter and Sarah used to fucking love it. Yeah. There's like websites. Oh, look at that. That caterpillar. Oh, wow.

There was a website. He doesn't do anything for me though. Back when websites existed, there was one called Pop That Zit or PopMyZit.com. Yeah. Pop That Zit. That was Streeter. Streeter fucking was watching somebody just like get a fucking snake bite. Like an oil.

Yeah. Lansing a boy. Some of them are not zits. Some of them are like fucking crazy cysts. Yeah. They go beyond just popping. Popping is too playful for what was going down. Which is a guy like setting a little like needle on fire and lancing something.

Right. I mean, there's the fetches. It was popping off. I don't know. It was popping. You like it. You clearly like it. I don't like it enough to actively seek it out but when I see it, I'm like, ooh, I'm curious.

I'm like, I don't know what it is. It's a weird level of excitement. Do you like popping zits? Right? We've popped each other's zits on our backs and necks. Yeah. We'll get into that shit. Yeah.

I'm not into watching. I'm into fucking doing. Just fucking squeezing. I like to work with my hands. Yeah. I want to pop that zit. I want to stand on the sidelines. Jake and Amir video idea I had that we never shot, which was you popping a zit on my back

and then it's like the POV of the zit and I would like throw like vanilla pudding in your face. It would like explode so thick. It would be like a goop of pus. Oh, we should do that. Because then you should start like spraying me with like red paint too. Cover it. It's a life of its own.

Yeah. I do like popping, especially on myself. Yeah. On others, fine. And then seeing the videos is a whole different thing. But this guy, I guess, got in, quote, trouble from his girlfriend. You're saying maybe she's just being playful a little bit. Yeah.

I could imagine that she's just razzin' him. Just rippin' him a little bit about it. I don't think you should defend it and be like, no, I love these zit videos. Don't turn it into a thing. Yeah. But I don't know. It's kind of, if she's like, that's disgusting. You need therapy.

You could just be like, all right, I won't show you when I watch that anymore. But everybody needs therapy. So I will go, but I barely think the popping thing will come up. Definitely don't go to therapy and say that it's because of the popping. Don't let your girlfriend think that she sent you to therapy because you have a problem with zip up. Also, look at the sidebar of that Reddit. How many people are in that Reddit? I bet it's a fuck ton.

It didn't look very active. I don't know. Let me check it out. rslashpopping. Shout out to Jake and Amir Reddit, rslashjakeandamir, which is popping. This one only has, oh, that gets pretty high, 240,000 members. Yeah. So I feel like if your girlfriend is like, you're discussing, be like, well, me and 240,000

other members disagree. Yeah. 48,000 of whom are online right now. You think the pus that's coming out of these zits is the same as like mucus coming out of my nose? Like how much white paste can I create from my body? Is it that different, those two things? I feel really stupid because I truly like just read about this. What if snot and pus were two different things?

It's not snot and pus. I think it's like a blocked, it's a blocked, it's a blocked pore. I think that's what it is. It's a blocked pore and you can't sweat it out or something. It's solidified oil or something. Okay. Like the oil that your skin makes, it gets like stopped all in one location. Right.

But is that oil the same as mucus? The same as snot? I don't think it's the same as snot, but it's sweat. I don't think it's the same as snot. I'm not sure what snot is, to be honest, though. Snot, I remember, is like protein and sugar or something. Like mucus is like short for like mucus polysaccharide or something like that. And your nose makes that to-

I think your whole body makes it. Makes mucus. Oh, is mucus snot? I think mucus is snot. We got to get a doctor on here. If you think mucus is snot, it's snot. Very good. Shout out to Dr. Presley, my buddy.

I'm going to get her on this podcast one day. You think she knows the answer to this stuff? Probably. I mean, you talk to doctors. They don't know what the fuck they're talking about. Look at the guy who cut you up. Yeah. I mean, that guy didn't know fuck it.

Fuck all. Nice. He didn't know fuck all at all. I have four toes. They're all swollen. He jacked my pinky tail. Were you able to text your doctor the other day? I did text my doctor the other day and he told me he couldn't get me the meds.

I forgot my medicine in- Sadie's juice. I forgot it in New York. I'm in LA and my foot was hurting. I was like, all right, so I'll just, oh, I don't have it. Roughly through your backpack, like a fiend. But like when you're texting somebody like, oh, I forgot my pills. Can you write me a new prescription?

You really seem, it's not a good look. No matter how many times you write LOL in the text. I bet you think I'm a fucking addict. Haha. I just need it. LOL. It's all. Because I'm in pain, doc.

So he said I can't do it. I guess he couldn't do it unless it was in New York or in adjacent state. But I asked your dad who said I could just pick up ibuprofen and take three of them. And I did that and I took four. Wow. Yeah. Tylenol Motrin? Just the straight up ibuprofen.

Classic name, not even like the name brand shit. Yeah, it was like the fucking chemical. Yeah, the CVS brand ibuprofen. Straight up, yeah. I do be profan. Nice. Why? Your hands are trembling a little bit.

If you could text your father again. Yeah, he just says take an Advil or something. Do we have? Do we have any here? All right, let's take a break. Jake will get fucking roided up or whatever he needs. That's right. Doing steroids.

We'll thank some sponsors. We'll come back with more questions and answers after this. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift.

I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. As you know, I am expecting my first child.

We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great, really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen.

It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. Like a photo of anything, perhaps a baby. And then it goes to their digital photo frame. Yeah. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in.

Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Like she misheard it or something like that.

Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura.

Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny.

Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame.

Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit auraframes. That's A-U-R-A frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames.

There it is. Oh, wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's A-U-R-A frames.com. Okay.

Go get your parents something. All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp.

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Check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, let's do this. Mom, I'm coming. Gross. I'll tell you what.

I'll tell you about something that I'm doing. I don't want to. That's the Scientology. I don't want to preach too much about going clear. But do you guys feel stress? I'm serious. Do you ever feel stress? Can you take a free stress test?

Really quick. Can I give you a free stress test? Yeah, I guess. Give me a free stress test. I have recently started eating a mostly plant-based diet. Whole food plant-based? Yeah, whole food plant-based, vegan, adjacent, vegan-ish. I'm calling it megan because it's mostly vegan.

And it's also a diet for me. So you can fuck off if it's not vegan enough for you. It's a diet for my friend megan. I watched the documentary when I was recovering from my surgery. So I'm in a vulnerable state here. You've already changed your diet according to some documentaries before. This is not your first documentary. It turns you into a thing.

I am quite impressionable. I'm a documentarian's dream. Yeah. Give me 90 minutes and I'll change what I eat for you. Well, because I'm also always looking for diets. To be healthier. Yeah, and I like to try different ones. The year of my wedding, I cut out grains entirely.

No sugar, no grains for basically a whole year. Wow. And I honestly felt pretty good on it, but I just lost too much weight. And then I was like, I'm going to just eat whatever I want and work out really hard. A billy diet. Yeah. Well, I mean, not like what Billy eats.

Billy's fucking insane. Good as much as you could eat. Yeah. So I did that for the last year-ish. And now I'm into this other thing. Okay. So what is the thing and what was the documentary? So the documentary is called Game Changers.

Sounds like a game changer. Yeah. Game Changers, I am day after surgery. I'm like my most lethargic, lowest low. Energy. And I'm watching this documentary about all these like elite athletes, like the strongest man in the world, an ultra marathoner that like set the record of running

across the Appalachian Trail. That's like two marathons a day for 75 straight days. That seems hard. Yeah. Football player. I forget his name from the Titans. I think he retired now. But anyway, all of these people who-

Was it Eddie George? Maybe so. That's cool. But I don't know. Awesome. Eddie fucking George in my doc. It's an honor. I know his wife's name because she's the vegan chef

that I follow on Instagram. Got it. So I saw all these people started, they switched from like protein from meat based diets to protein from vegetables diets and they all started performing better. They had like increased recovery time and better performance and stuff.

Okay. So I was just like, yeah, that seems cool. Maybe I'll try that. Also, like aside from getting shredded, it seems like it reduces your, well, definitely does reduce your carbon footprint too. Right. Because you're not eating meat.

Yeah. But without meat, where are you getting the protein? Like- No eggs. No chicken. The stuff is in all your meals. I guess like beans, lentils, soy protein. The thing that got me was like, he talks about,

he's talking to the strongest man in the world. This guy is like, when you work out, you say you want to be as strong as an ox. But what does an ox eat? They eat vegetarians. You don't see ox eating lean chicken. And I was like- Pushing the world's strongest man.

It's like, oh yeah, that does make sense. And there was the documentary guy saying that the animals are actually the middlemen. They get the protein from plants and vegetables that they eat and we get the protein from the animals that we eat. But we could just go straight to the source. That's why I've been eating dog food. They're also talking about-

They're like finding- People talk about the caveman diet being like all meat and stuff. But a new way they have of discovering and reading fossils has shown that cavemen mostly ate vegetables. So you're eating rice on this vegan-ish diet? Yeah. Vegans can have rice. Yeah.

But it's not like plant-based. Can you eat bread? Yeah, whole bread. So you can have like a whole wheat bagel? Yeah. Sort of the opposite of what you used to be doing. I used to avoid bread at all costs. And not like grains.

But now I'm like, okay, so as long as I'm not eating meat and I'm mostly eating vegetables, I'm not gonna begrudge myself a fucking whole wheat bagel if I want one. So you can have like some little cream cheese, bacon. How long have you been going with this vegan thing? What day is today? The 12th of January. I started on January 2nd.

It's only 10 days. And you haven't had anything? Or you have slipped a little bit? No, this is why it's vegan. I'm allowed to have whatever- If I like want something, I'm gonna eat it. I'm still like- Like I'll have a salmon.

Three quarters of the time I am vegan. But this morning I was with Jill's parents and they had eggs. Like I'm not gonna say like, I'm not gonna eat these eggs that you prepared. So I had eggs this morning. Yeah. That seems like good. That seems like good.

So it's like vegan with a lenient slant. It's vegan. Yeah. It's my diet. It's for me. It's for me. Vegan is mostly vegan. Mostly vegan.

If I'm cooking for myself, it's vegan. If I'm ordering for myself, it's vegan. And then if I go somewhere where like someone's made me dinner, I just am gonna eat that. Okay, so it's like a polite vegan. It's vegan without pissing people off. Kinda. And I think I'd have tuna fish if it came up.

In fact, do you mind if I stop this record for a second and post it at sushi? I'm vegan, right? Like most of the time. You're not. Well, most of the time I'm vegan. Monday through Friday, eat vegan. And then I have a tuna sandwich on Saturday

and somebody gets to be like, you're not a vegan. Yeah. Like, yeah, I guess this meal isn't vegan. But fuck you. You eat meat nonstop all the time. You don't care. You'll eat jerky at a gas station. You're really nilly.

I mean, I'm also, I've only done this for 10 days. But I'm just saying, it is weird that you, once you announce that you have like this sort of like holier than now strict type diet that people imagine, everybody wants to poke a hole in it. That's right. Like, oh, you'd have, you never have butter. Yeah.

I don't know. Sure. Maybe like, if I'm at someone's house and there's like fresh baked bread, I'll eat it and maybe it was made with butter. I don't care. I don't care at all. You're a very rare breed of vegan that quote doesn't care at all and we'll eat tuna.

Yeah. But like, most of the time, if I'm vegan, if I'm making like. So I would say you're not vegan. I guess that's. And that's fine. I'm not saying that's bad or good. Right. But I'm saying your, your label is wrong.

And then you would snap back and be insane. I'm not vegan. You're not vegan either. I'd be like, yeah, that's correct. I'm also not. I'm vegan. Change your name. Change your name to me.

I am, I am vegan. Okay. Cause I, I do think that it's good. Mostly vegan. It's the environment to mostly eat plant based. And it's, and it's. I mean, I do agree that like, I don't understand why diets are so like strict like that. Like vegans can't ever do this.

Like, can't you just eat less meat? Can't you just eat less grains? Can't you just eat less sugar? Why do you have to be like, I'm never going to have any. I'm never going to have it. I'm going to have a cheat meal and then gorge myself. I think it's because people some, it's a slippery slope where you're like, I'm vegan most of the time or I, I don't eat, I'm on like Atkins most of the time.

I don't, I don't stay away from bread, but then you have a cheat meal and you're like, your cheat meal starts on Sunday, but then you're like, I'm going to have a cheat meal on Saturday night. Yeah. First meal Monday morning. I'm not, I'm going to ease into my week. Then before you know it, you're off your diet. So people like to stay strict to their diet cause it's easier than going off and on.

But for me, that's not the case. I like, I do like leniency, like less, less meat. And for me, it's way less meat and way more vegetables. What about Jill? You're at home. She's cooking food. She's also meaghan. She watched the documentary.

So she's down to vegan. She's, she's more, she's more vegan than me, but she's still meaghan. So she'll occasionally have the meat. Yeah. And Micah's meaghan. What does Micah do now that he is by himself at home? He cooks like beyond, beyond burgers. Yeah.

A lot of fake meat. Fake meat. And I love fake meat. Fake meat's great. I had a soy, soy riso burrito the other day. It's easy when you're contained it at home. Like I'm only going to buy this. I'm only going to make this.

Like you said, the hard part is I'm at a restaurant or I'm at a company dinner and everyone's ordering sushi. Yeah. And I think it's, since it's trendy now, it's gotten easier. Like I'm, when I, I was like ordering food the other night, there's so many completely vegan places in LA. Yeah. And even the places that aren't vegan have like a vegan, a gluten free, a vegetarian. So what'd you eat Friday night for dinner?

That was when I got my soy riso burrito. And then Saturday, I had like chips and salsa. Question mark. And then I sort of, I felt anemic, so I fainted. So I don't remember what I ate on Sunday. I had, I definitely was not fully vegan on Sunday. I had a croissant in the morning. Of course.

And that's fine too, because I'm not vegan. I'm vegan, man. I do like the way eating more vegetable makes me feel though. You do, you end up eating more healthy stuff. Right. I think because like, I used to think that I used to, you know, 10 days ago, I really used to think that like you need a big piece of meat and then sides. Yeah.

And my sides were never that healthy either. So. Potatoes. Potatoes are fine. Yeah. And I, chicken's fine. I've said this before, but vegans shouldn't be allowed to have french fries. Like that's our food.

What? Sorry. You don't get to have that is what I'm saying. Well, if anybody's interested in going vegan. Yeah. Just do it. Yeah. Just do it because you don't have to commit to anything.

Yeah. That's cool. It's like a pescatarian. Yeah. Just make a couple vegan choices throughout the week. Yeah. A lot of people do that. Like vegan until dinner or vegan Monday through Friday.

Yeah. Like having two, two of your meals a day would be vegan or meatless Monday or whatever. Yeah. I think it's a nice little practice. Every little bit helps. I mean, I'm going to have a lot of eggs. Eggs are the goat. Especially goat eggs.

I fucking love goat eggs. All right. This is a question about a groomsman speech. Ooh. Doesn't seem to be embarrassing. So I'll just use his real name. Oh, wow. Getting loose.

I don't give a shit. My best friend is getting married next year and I would love to have my speech written out scroll style. We've always loved your videos and became best friends because of them. Having the same sense of humor and always spitting off Jake and Amir inside jokes at each other. He's the sweetest person in the world, so I know this surprise would be the highlight of his webbing.

You should definitely change his name, asshole. You're going to ruin his surprise. All right. I'll just bleep it out. I'll use his real name. It's just a guy trying to make a surprise over for his full name. I was wondering if I could get some of your ideas for the scroll, i.e. what to say on the scroll or perfect rhymes to have in the scroll speech.

Much love. Oh, here we go. Insert animal for first name and beverage for the last. Okay. Raccoon Pepsi. Okay. Very good. Raccoon Pepsi.

Raccoon Pepsi. Scroll idea for a goonsman. That's a big swing if not everyone at the wedding is a fan. Yeah. I would almost make my advice to not do this, but I'm so flattered. Maybe this is more of a bachelor party idea. That's fair. That is fair.

Yeah. Or like a, I think a bachelor party idea is good. Maybe like a, I don't know, a speech with the boys before the wedding. Take it from someone who had to do a scroll in a serious venue by accident, me. You don't want to be at number nine drinking swine butt chugging a fucking Advil. Which was that list was top 10 babes to bone, which has not aged well and barely was aging well when we wrote it in 2012. Though to be fair, most of it was about like hooking up with like Ethan Hawke or Justin

Bieber or something. Yeah. But it was at a, what was it? We performed at a, somebody hired us to perform at like a Boston university, but it wasn't just a comedy show. It was like an awards show. For teachers. And I thought we talked about this on the podcast before.

Maybe we have. It was like the worst show that we've ever done. So it was just like a guy who was planning is like, oh, these guys are really funny. And we're like, all right, we're just going to do like whatever we usually do, which is like silly weird sketches. And he's like, that's fine. I'm sure it'll go over well. Yeah.

But we get there and it's like a dinner luncheon situation where everybody's at roundtables eating meals. Yeah. Older ladies and gentlemen who had never heard us. And they're getting awards for like campus social justice and nice things. Just things that were serious somber affairs. And most generous teacher at the school award. And I'm saying number four, Megan Fox, munching on her naked box.

I can't believe we read the whole list. At a certain point, I just turned off the shame part of my brain and powered through. It was at least nice for me because all of my reactions were what the audience was feeling. Like, how dare you say this? You're disgusting. You're a bad person, man. Stop talking. It's amoral.

I think I started improvising at one point because like it just needed to go shorter. So skip to the end. Skip to the end, man, please. I was surprised you finished. I remember thinking that. And not in a good way. Not like pleasantly surprised. Wow.

I was proud of you. Like surprised, proud of you for powering through. Yeah. Like in a bad way. Like you shouldn't have. But not like in a way that's like, oh, you shouldn't have. Like in a real, you really shouldn't have done that. I bet the person that invited us was like, not expecting us to do a really offensive

list. Yeah. So shame on us in a way. Yeah. In a way. But we could have gotten a little more insight. So shame on them again. Okay.

So. Oh, right. List ideas. Top 10 reasons not to be wed by raccoon freaking Pepsi. If you do decide to go for a scroll, let us know what theme you want. And maybe Jake and I can even write a few of them. That's right. That could be our gift to you.

All right. One last question. Yes. Uh, okay. This guy is a 24 year old dude from Washington in desperate need of the perfect text. Ooh. Okay. Let's do this.

George. George writes, I'm currently in the Abu Dhabi Airport at 2am on my way to backpack around Europe for two months. While I'm there, I have plans to visit my ex who's 25 and French and lives in Europe. We're going to travel together for nine days in Prague and Budapest. You know, do the whole hostel thing. Yeah. Here's the tricky part.

I'm in charge of booking the hostels and I'm not sure what kind of room to get. Do I go for the cheap dorm beds for us? The private room with two single beds or the private room with a single double bed. We have been flirting for a little bit over text and I feel like we might hook up in which case the single bed private is the way to go. But how do I book this room and tell her ahead of time without coming off like a sleazy ex who just wants to bang? I'm totally cool.

Not hooking up also. I'm just afraid if I go ahead and book single bed private, she doesn't want and she doesn't want to do anything. It'll be an awkward disaster. My request is for the perfect text to ask her what kind of room to get. George. George. Wait.

So the three options are public. Which is we can discount. Bunks or whatever. Yeah. And then there's another one which is single beds but in a private room. Yeah. Imagine two cots in a single room. Yeah.

And then there's one double. One double. Obviously, you can't do the double bed. It's way too presumptive. The double bed, it's like, oh, the one where it's like, oh, it's just one bed. I think regardless of like anything that the two single beds in a private room is the best case scenario. Because if you want to hook up, you can put the beds together or sleep in a single bed

together. Yeah. But it's like, I don't even think you need to say like, what type of room should we get? You should just be like, hey, good news. I got us private rooms. We have our own beds. That's like the best sleeping scenario you could ask for. Yeah.

You're sort of avoiding the worst situation. One, we can get rid of the public one right away. Obviously, you don't want the public one. Yeah. That's a bad one. And then you being like, I don't want to like, but she's traveling with you for nine days. And you guys were intimate before. I don't think you guys need like a public room barrier to hooking up.

No. Or like you can easily sleep in a single bed in a room that's private and not hook up and that'd be fine too. Yeah. If she thinks you guys are going to hook up, then getting a double bed is like the wrong decision or like getting two separate beds is the wrong decision, but that's not even like that bad. Right.

If you're not hooking up and you get a single bed, that's not a good look. The other thing to remember is if you're in charge of booking these rooms, she's probably not looking. She doesn't even know what the choices are. Oh. So I think the most gentlemanly thing to do is to just get the single bed or single room with separate beds. So that way there's not really like a, should we get us, I don't know.

But I guess it's a little bit tricky. But it's not trickier than like, really what you want to do is take off the table, take double bed off the table and then if you're looking at public room or private room, anybody in the right mind wants the private room. Right. So you just do that. So is the perfect text out there? Do you text at all?

Yeah. I wonder because like you can also just be like, this is the room we got. I asked for a private room. They gave us this one if she's upset that it's not a double bed. It's better to have her be like, oh, why didn't we get a double bed we can share? And then you can call ahead and see if you get the other ones changed then for you guys to get there. And it's a double bed.

And she's like, what did you do? Yeah. What did you think this was? Yeah. She's not going to say that if there's two beds, it's like, what two beds? What did you think this was? Yeah. I guess you're not going to hook up.

If you're like still concerned, you could center like the first hostel that you guys are staying in. You say this room, this room, this room, like, hey, which one, which one of these looks best to you? Cause maybe there's like a price thing involved there too. Yeah. So you're saying even if you're in charge, if you send her the three options and you're like, which one of these do you, which one do you like?

That's the hot's question mark, circle the one that you want to sleep in the tater for your taut. So specific text or no text? It's really what this guy feels the relationship is at. I would probably, I'm trying to think what I would actually do in this situation. You think you would just book? I would just book the two single beds, not even text. I believe that's what.

If you put the situation on her, then she's in the same predicament. Right. I don't think anybody wants to be like, let's get the double beds. So this is something you guys will have nine days to discuss. You don't need to be heavy going into it. And if you guys hook up and you guys are both into it, you can switch moving forward. On the day. On the day.

All right. Let's try to answer one last question real quick. Okay. This guy's from New Zealand. NZ. But you can call me Russell Westbrook. Okay. I'm super fucked while writing this, but like most people, I need your advice with a relationship.

I've been going out with my girlfriend for six months and we've been having a lot of fights recently, like a lot, almost two a week. I just graduated high school and I booked my gap year trip before getting with her. But I've sort of delayed it because I fell super in love with her and I thought I wanted to stay in NZID just for her and to go to uni. Side note, she's been with four other guys and I've only been with her and that's something that really bothers me. To stop being a dickhead and cut a long story short.

Should I just continue with this relationship and go through with all the fights and doubts or board my flight on the 1st of March to Europe and fuck heaps of bitches. I'm not the best looking guy, but I give good dick. I love this show and I have nice smelling balls, bro. I'd really appreciate any help on this queue. Go OKC Thunder, by the way, they'll beat the Lakers in the first round. Fuck, this is a long email. Good night, brothers.

He lost due at that last line. It's funny because since he sent this, the Lakers beat the Thunder without LeBron and Anthony Davis. I hope he wasn't watching that game. That's awesome. But that aside, the real roller coaster of emotions, this guy is drunk. He even says so in the email. It seems like he doesn't want to be with this girl anymore.

I think that, right, the options are like, should I continue with this relationship that's bad or go and fuck lots of, as he said, bitches? It's, I mean, that's clear. Yeah, but he's also like a kind of guy that's only, he said he's only slept with this one girl and really bothers him that his girlfriend has slept with four. So I don't know if I really trust his ability to go off and fuck heaps of bitches in Europe. I think the third option that's left unsaid is that there's probably some work you could do on yourself to make this a better relationship.

For instance, the jealousy. You say it's unsaid in NZ? Unsaid in NZ. That's nice. Yeah. I think the jealousy is not a good look. I think that your general doubt in the relationship, that might be a source of the fights. So it's worth thinking about what's causing the fights and trying to fix that.

And maybe you'll go back to feeling like you're in love with her and then it's worth staying and going to uni. But in its current form, the relationship isn't worth not having that kind of awesome experience gap year. Yeah. 15 years old, you're fighting with this lady. You're not a fully formed adult yet, it seems. Yeah.

I also, I think it's bad to compare sex numbers with people. It's just not, it doesn't tell the full story at all. Yeah. Unless it's like perfectly even and never really works out very well. But even if it's even, it's weird. I mean, it's not worth it. But I will say that in the grand scheme of things, four versus one, that's pretty close actually.

Yeah. You guys are both under 100. Fuck, you might even be both under 20. I mean, they are. Right? Hell, they're under five. They're both under five. Yeah.

I was going to say 10. Yeah. Well, that too. So five is even less than that. I thought you were good at math. I was. I got kicked in the head. I have a snot infection.

So go to Europe is the short answer to this long email. Yeah. I think of all the options, one of which he didn't mention and I gave him, the coolest one seems like go on your gap year. I don't think that a high school relationship as good as it might seem is worth bailing on the experience of traveling the world for a year. And this guy doesn't even seem like he's in a good relationship anyway. Yeah.

And I will say that it seems like it's partly to mostly his fault. That's right. That's also correct. But congrats on your balls smelling good. That's fun. That's nice. Go Thunder, I guess. You know why he's a Thunder fan from NZ.

Ryan Adams. That's right. Well, Steven Adams. Yeah. Steven Adams. Ryan Adams. Singing, right? Who hates New Zealand.

You fool. Steven Adams. All right. Thank you for writing in. Send those questions and theme songs to ifiroshowatgmail.com. The opening one was written by Dee Heesey. Remember that one? Yes.

That one was written by Dee Heesey from Brisbane, Brisbane, Vegas, Bia Bia. And who wrote the closing one? I don't know, man. You get the emails. You choose the songs. That's, I barely even working. Why the question? Yeah.

Let's figure it out. Mitchell Wells. Nice. Oh, huge NADPod fan. Bring back Old Cobb and the Vicious V. That's right. That's, oh yeah, brother. You got it.

You've been on NADPod now. You understand. Old Cobb? Old Cobb. The Vicious V? He has a really fucking sexy abdomen. Has Ugo come up a bunch in the show since I left him? Do people talk about him in passing like if you guys are walking down the street in the

game? There's been some good Ugo art on the Reddit. There's some very good Ugo fan art. Ugo's got a fan base. I'll say that for him. I'm thinking about doing like a Ugo style vlog. Ugo spin off. Yeah.

Or it's just Ugo playing D&D by himself. All of the biggest villains in NADPod should all be at a campaign together. If you want more, if I were you, you can always check out our Patreon, which is patreon.com slash J.A. By the way, Lonely and Horny season one is up there now. So if you've been waiting until our Patreon was rife with content. It is now rife. It really is.

You should go check it out. It is officially rife. Sweet. And we'll be back, of course, next week. Thanks for listening, everybody. Bye. Wouldn't it be rife? This has been a top five podcast production.

So check us out and where you can find podcasts.