If I Were You - 418: Addiction

Episode Date: January 20, 2020

In this episode we discuss baby names, Foo Fighters, and how Jake's new diet is going.Fore more IF I WERE YOU check out our Patreon.com/JA for bonus Thursday video episodes.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. For those who choose who, have a podcast show called The Firewood U. And I wonder, flash it right into them, and maybe they'll decide to read my letter. I guarantee they'll make fun of me real good. The only thing I'll ever ask of you, you gotta promise to keep Jake that old in mind. The show starts now.

Great, great song. That was gold. It was really gold. That was more than silver, it was gold. I really appreciate that gold song by Aaron Brown from Canada. The man with the golden voice. Nice. He says there are two kinds of people in this world,

people who crushed their New Year's resolution within the first month, and people who crushed them within the first month of the following year. Apparently I'm the latter. Indeed, indeed you are. So this was his 2019 resolution. It was worth the wait. He got around to it. I can't believe he waited that long to hide his voice.

He hit his voice from us. It was an ever-long parody by the fighter's foo. Indeed. You know what foo stands for, right? I guess no. Food. Yeah, it's short for food. No, I think it's short for or long for kung fu.

So they probably had like, let's call us the food fighters. That's fun, it's playful. We had like food fights in our music videos, and then Dave Grohl went to submit it on AIM, and it was like F-O-O-D-F-I-I-G-H-T-E-R. Oh shit, we're out of space, let me get rid of the D. So then it was like, foo fighters, that's fine, that's close enough. You think that that is what happened?

You think that Dave Grohl was submitting the band's name to AIM, and it was too long? Yeah, because this was the early 90s, like copyright shit. It looks like it is. According to Wikipedia, it's an unidentified flying object of a kind reported by U.S. pilots during World War II. You mean World War Foo?

Oh gosh. Oh no. Oh, you're becoming a germ. You're just one big germ. I really am. What happened? Of course you're sick, so you blame me, because that's what usually happens. Whenever we're both sick, it's always my fault, right?

Well, because you're better, right? Yeah, I'm better, that's how it works. So you got sick first. And then you feel better, I'm sorry. Oh, my brother is FaceTiming. Oh jeez, perfect timing. I'll have to decline it, I'm sorry. He'll hear this and he'll understand why.

I'll chat with him later. Yeah, look, I think the way sickness typically works is that one person gets sick, they get another sick, and so on and so forth. But you always think it's me getting you sick. You always do get me sick, fucker. And as soon as I'm sick, you're mad at me because you know that you're going to get sick.

I know that I'll get sick, I know I'm going to get sick. I think I have a fucking perfect immune system except you know how to get past the wall. I'm the you-go of your immune system. I knew it too. As soon as I walked into the room with you in LA and I heard you fucking sniffle, I knew I was done. It was too late.

You sit there, you're almost proud. You fucking love it. Have you ever gotten me sick or it's always the other way around? I don't know. I probably have gotten you sick. Fine, but I'll tell you two times, you got me sick on my bachelor party, I'll never forgive you for that one.

I'm sorry I had to fly to Iceland on a red eye and I didn't feel good when I landed. You're so contagious. Does Jill ever get you sick or do you ever get Jill sick? Jill's, I think we've probably gotten each other sick because she's been sick and we've spent a week in the house with her being sick and I didn't catch it.

Why do you think that what you're currently feeling right now is mine and not hers? I guess because she wasn't sick when I left or when I got back. Maybe it takes too long. I think that it happens pretty fast. I was in an editing bay with you and one other person who was also sick.

So it seems pretty, it stands to reason that that's where the sickness came, right? Plus the travel. When you're going from hot weather to cold weather on an airplane. That's not what it's about. It's about being close proximity with a fucking germ. That's you, man.

Have I ever gotten you sick? Probably, I'm just not a little brat about it. A little what? A little branch out. You're calling me a little brat. You're a twig of it. A little bit of a jerk, right? And then your neck also hurts?

Yeah man, my neck also hurts. You're lying down in a very peculiar fashion right now. I don't know what I did but I sort of pinched my neck. My body is falling apart from the foot up. There's everything. And from the neck down. I got a head cold, a neck ache, a fucking bum foot.

You're not resting is the problem. Everything else is kind of fine. You're going out still? Yes I am. I'm not going out. You didn't go to that comedy show yesterday? Well I went to Gabriel's high mighty power hours. I wasn't going to miss that. That's out. That's of course out.

It's cold. You're leaving the house. You're not resting. You're drinking. I should be resting, yeah. And then tonight you're going to another party. Yeah, Vinny's birthday. I'm not going to miss that shit. Yeah, honestly I might. I really might. But that's fine. Because you're already sick.

I guess I'm just looking out for number one. You? Yeah. No, I think I am going to go and I'll probably get some people. I'll probably shake hands willy nilly. Well that's cool. You'll do like a kissing game of sorts. Let's place a bottle.

Have a sip of my drink. This is a nice cocktail. Have a sip. No, really have it. Why don't you take mine? Oh, I can beer and give it to Dave Rosenberg. I don't care. Yeah, you don't. I really don't care because I'm in pain and I want everyone to be in pain.

My neck hurts so I want your neck to hurt. Yeah, it's unrelated. You should have foot surgery. What? Yeah, my neck. I don't know what I did. I like slept on it weird. And on Saturday, what day is today? Today is Friday, so it's been like six days.

But last Saturday I like I could not turn my head to look over my left or right shoulder. That's not okay. It was so tight and sore. Basically, I'm turning 37 this weekend and it's making you age 50 years in the process.

It seems like it. As soon as my as soon as my foot's better, I got to start doing yoga non-stop. That's cool. That's going to be my New Year's resolution. Just fucking yoga. Non-stop, but I was going to say my resolution

was to do it twice a week, which is to me non-stop. Yeah, it is non-stop if you do it for three and a half days straight, twice a week. Yeah, I guess that's what I'll have to do. I'm going to start doing more. Do you don't have any pain in your body? Zero? Zilch? Nothing?

Right now? Fuck off. Earlier today, I bit my cheek, so I feel like that'll sort of hurt. That's good. Actually, that helps a little bit. It's really frustrating about your cheek. It just healed. This is the darndest thing.

And I bit my cheek out of solidarity, so mine is fucking... I'm bleeding. Alright, let's look out for number fun. That's right. Answering some questions for everybody. Yeah. This is a Fire You After All and Advice podcast.

The only advice podcast on the web, hosted by us, I'm Amir. I'm Josh. I'm falling apart, but still with us. Yeah, I feel so sick. If you feel this good in two hours, will you still go to a party? Well, the thing is,

it's not about... I love it. I'm going to go to this party, but I also... I'm getting dinner with Jeff and Dave and Mike, and I made a reservation and they charge me if I don't go. So I gotta do that.

I'm not going to eat that fucking for $80. No, you're going to eat that steak freats when you get there. I'm not going to eat a steak freats. I'm a freaking vegan, dude. I don't eat steak freats. We got some questions about the veganism,

but we'll save that for the break. As long as people aren't coming at me. Here's a question. From a lady, we'll call her Stayfria. What? Very good.

I need your help to help me settle the dumbest yet most high-stakes argue what my boyfriend and I have ever gotten into. One day, when the topic of babies came up, my boyfriend mentions that if he had a son, he'd want to name it Buster. I laughed like any mentally sound person would,

considering I rightfully assumed this was a joke. Months have passed since this conversation and every time you can bring it up, he genuinely wants to name a child that I will have to carry that inside me and suffer for nine months named fucking Buster.

He will rub my stomach and say, can't wait till put little Buster in there. It makes me want to slap him. Now, all of this is hypothetical, seeing as though neither of us want children anytime soon, so if I'm lucky, we will only have daughters and I will never have to even approach this argument ever again.

However, is he seriously convinced that Buster is a really cool, sounding baby name? My question is, is Buster actually a cool fucking name and am I just being a bitch? I need your wisdom, desperately. Help me or help him

see this situation clearly. Love you guys so much, been listening for years. Patreon member and I saw you guys in Chicago. Sweet. Hey, thanks. I already told him you can call the kid Buster as a nickname. I don't give a fuck about that, but Buster will never go on a birth certificate. I mean, that's kind of the perfect solution,

isn't it? I don't think Buster is a good name on the birth certificate, but Buster is kind of a cute nickname. Yeah, let me see what Buster Keaton's real name was. Joseph Frank. So not really B. Yeah, I think Buster...

I don't know. I also don't fully... I'm not fully on board with, like, designing a nickname and then, you know, like, you name your kid something and then you're like, my name will be this. I feel like nicknames need to occur a little more naturally. Yeah, like, you don't know what the nickname will be

until they fucking... they happen organically. You don't know what you're doing, Buster. Oh, wait, no, that worked. It did. Although now I'm hearing more, like, abbreviated names or, like, the official name, like, my buddy, Josh Heller, shout out to Josh, had a baby named...

actually had twins, Hank and Lucy, but Hank isn't short for Henry. It's just Hank, officially Hank Heller. Yeah, I love that name, by the way. I told you this, but I had always dreamed of naming my son Hank. Yeah, the HH, Hank Heller, Hank Hurwitz.

Yeah, luckily for for Heller, well, I guess you wouldn't really care if my son was named Hank, but Jill's not interested. Yeah, so that's another example, like, it seems like both parents have to really agree on this name. Yeah, I floated some baby names by Jill that she did not like.

Anything as bad as Buster? Ragnar. I'm, like, kind of hell-bent on naming my kid Ragnar. What's Ragnar? Is that, like, a movie? It's, like, a Norse Icelandic type Viking name. There was a movie called Thor Ragnarok.

Unrelated to that. Yeah, well, I think maybe it's related. It's, like, some kind of, like, war god or something, Ragnar. Yeah, you want to create, like, a little D&D character. Sort of, yeah. I mean, like, yeah, I feel like you grow into your name, right? Like, Buster would

probably be a little bit of a scoundrel, which is a good reason not to name him Buster right off the bat. Only call him Buster if he is a scoundrel. Yeah, Buster is not a real name. I think you have that on your side. Yeah. Steak Frida. Wait, it's like, I'm sorry, I didn't fully understand.

Like, this guy is, like, constantly saying Buster, like, he wants the kid to be named Buster, or it just, like, came up and now it's eating away at her. I think he came up about child names that they like, and then he mentioned Buster, she hated it, and now he keeps bringing it up and just pissing her off.

Yeah, I think that, like, you, whenever you argue about stuff that's, like, so hypothetical and far in the future, I think you might as well just not, right? Like, I wonder how baby names happen.

Like, who, like, what if one person, like, who actually officially inputs it into a database? Do both parents have to sign off, or can the dad just scurry off while the mom's giving birth? Be like, write it down as Buster, but do, like, the birth certificate, just Buster. I wonder, I mean, I bet you can

get away with some John Wolf style baby naming ceremony. Yeah. Like, Glocal will put on, Glocal will put on, like, scrubs, go into the nurse's station and be like, oh yeah, so Mr.

Fritz over there told me that the baby's name will be Buster. Yeah, and then it's, like, officially Buster. And then they'll be like, oh, we thought his name was Henry. And he's like, no, actually. Yeah, they said Buster, so. Yeah, and I wonder when that name becomes official.

Is it, like, an electronic system where they, like, hit enter? And it's like, now, if you ever want to legally change it. Yeah, I don't know. I have no idea how that type of shit works. I told you the story about how my sister Rachel found out when she was 16 that her name was spelled differently, right? No.

My sister Rachel is, uh, her name is spelled R-A-C-H-A-E-L on her birth certificate. But I guess, like, when Rachel was going into or, like, even shortly after she was born, my mom was just like, oh, I don't want to give her a weird spelling.

Like, I'll just make it Rachel. So she grew up R-A-C-H-E-L. And then when she was 16, she, like, went to DMV to get her driver's license. And they were like, your name is R-A-C-H-A-E-L. You can't just change it. Yeah, how do they know? They knew officially what her name was more than

she did. Yeah, because you, I mean, that's what's on the birth certificate. I think that they take that at the hospital. I'm sure there's, like, electronic systems for it now. They, like, but I vaguely remember my birth certificate, like, being at City Hall when I had to go get my license.

Yeah, I've never seen my birth certificate, I don't think. We have a copy of it, but I think the official one is, like, it's filed in the city you were born. Right, and I was born in Israel, so my birth certificate is just how to spell my name in Hebrew. So, like, when did I choose?

My mom could have been like, yeah, your name is spelled E-M-I-R. We really ought to have a bureaucrat on this podcast. I want to get down to the nitty-gritty of how do you choose a social security number, what's your official name, and when do you give it, and how do you choose it? Yeah, is all that stuff done at the hospital,

or does the hospital call what, your, the fucking, government? I want to say Trump is responsible for writing them all down into a book, but that doesn't make sense. Right, he's, they call him every time a baby is born in the United States, they're like, we need

like, eight numbers, whatever you can come up with, nine numbers, I mean, shit. You know, he's not left or right-handed, that's never happened before. Really, he's bad, he's like, it's not ambidextrous, because that means you're good with both hands. Right, so he has two off-hands, I don't know

how he ever like, how that happened, because you have to like, dump the dexterous. Right, you think just, by virtue of growing up in America, would have chosen a dominant hand, but I guess he never got to that stage. Right, when you don't have to do shit. It's pretty cool actually, it's kind of easy. It's not cool.

Alright, so don't name your kid Buster, you don't worry about it, he's probably teasing you at this point. This isn't a fight you have to have now, not until like, you're on like, month eight of the pregnancy. That's when you start, that's when the fight

becomes real, that's when you dig your heels in. Tell them you just let him tucker himself out. What if two parents can't choose a name, they give birth to a child? Are they like, can you just leave it blank for now, or like, no, we have to write it down, and the nurse just

ends up like, putting in a dummy name for now. I don't think they can leave it blank. Yeah. I would imagine that the mom gets the final say that would be wild if they're like, hey, the parents have to agree. Tad just like

playing a switch in the corner. I really still like Buster, mom recovering from a C section. Is Tetris a name? Yeah, I think the mom chooses. That's insane if that's not the case.

But what if the mom's like, I really can't decide, I'm sorry. I don't know. Maybe they let you take the baby home without a name? Seems crazy. Or the nurse is like, I'm going to have to just choose a name randomly and like assign it, and then you guys will have to change it down the line.

We should look up, what if I can't choose a baby name? Yeah, look it up, let's find out. I would like it'd be cool if someone would let us name a baby. Oh, that's cool. I guess people have asked that before, we sort of gave like half hearted suggestions, but like,

legit, can me and you name a baby? Is anybody listening pregnant? Um, is anybody listening pregnant? Let me Google that. Let us know. I mean, I already have a whole bunch of, I have so many godchildren, and I love them all like they are my own, and they are my own.

All right, if we had to name a kid, what would you go? You to go Hank for a boy? No, because I want to use that phone for my family. I think I can chip away at Jill between now and whenever we have kids. Oh, chip. Chip's pretty good. Chip is nice. Yeah, we don't have to make a whole thing of it.

Chip's perfect. I like chip for a boy or a girl. Or for a girl, it could be chimp. Chimp? Chimp for a girl, chip for a guy, chat for a chap, and slap for an eye. Oh, a pirate's life for me.

Name your kid, throw him over the ledge, rock the plank, and name her chimp. Squawk goes my parrot, thrust goes my sword, bury the treasure, eat a gourd. Ro-ho-ye-lee-ho-yee-hee

Name a kid, chimp for me. She's a little monkey, can't you see? Toss that baby over a bridge. Eat a fish, over a bridge. Eat a fig.

Make it ranch style. That's with all the fixins, you see? What the fuck was that, man? I'm sorry. I'm feeling very feverish at the moment. I don't even remember

what I said. You're sick. You're absolutely sick. You're ill. You're not well, man. It's 1984 and you're talking like a fucking pirate. Go home. Nobody wants to hear you yell. Good lord.

Alright, let's take a break. Well, thanks for sponsors. We'll look up how to name kids, I fucking guess. And we'll be back after this. Woo-hoo! Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift.

I think it actually is. Yeah. Not just Father's Day, but for any not so tech-savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. For me personally, these things

are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys

in our family right now, but they are they're a great, really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo

frame. This is actually how we how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke

of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my god.

Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite

the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something that could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos

and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit auraframes. That's A-U-R-A Frames.com. And

our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's aura frames A-U-R-A

frames.com. Okay. Go get your parent something. All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in

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licensed help and it's extra affordable. That's BetterHelpHELP.com slash if I were you. Check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. And we are back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lift!

Mom, I'm coming! Cross. Do you? I was going to bring up the meganism again because we got an interesting email about your new diet. But I did want to look get into a quick

question that I found answered. What happens if parents don't give a baby their name? Oh, yeah, let's hear that. Yeah, I didn't quite get to the bottom of it because I only found out a fun article about the UK.

OK. Listen to this interesting thing. This is from todayifoundout.com Beyond giving quite a lot of time for parents to pick a name, unlike a lot of countries on this side of the pond, the UK is also pretty lax about the names you can pick generally having a few guidelines

other than it cannot contain obscenities numbers or be impossible to pronounce. So you can almost like you can have your name be vetoed if you're like want to call him like shitface 69. Really? I guess that's fair.

In contrast, in countries like Norway and Denmark, you're required to pick from an approved list of names. What? You have a list? Yeah, that's right. That's crazy. In 1995, a Norwegian woman, Christy Larson attempted to name her 14th child

Geshe, which in Hebrew means bridge can't confirm, Christy claims that the name came to her in her dream. The state, however, didn't care about her nocturnal hallucinations and fined her $420. Why? Because she didn't choose for the approved

list of names. Weird. Yeah, so I'm sure there's even more to be learned, but that's just what I found out in a quick Google search on todayifoundout.com. Cool. Everyone at home, Google along. Send us your craziest baby naming stories.

Speaking of UK, this guy named London Jackson emailed us about your meaghan diet and said Jake's meaghan diet debate was really fun. I've been vegan for 13 years now and I fully support the meaghan diet every little bit. I just thought I'd share that I have some friends

that call themselves fregan when you're a vegan unless someone offers you something for free that contains dairy or honey or whatever. I have a few friends that I call Gemini vegans because they're vegan unless they're on vacation. Love and support anyone trying to reduce their carbon footprint.

So, just to catch people up you decided to be a vegan in the new year, but not quite a vegan because you're not a strict because you have some exceptions so you called it a meaghan. Which stands for what? It's mostly vegan and also the diet belongs

to me as in meaghan so you can fuck off if you're going to nitpick what I eat because that's my decision. For me I'm a meaghan. Do you get what I'm saying? How's your meaghan diet going

and have you solidified any of the rules around it yet? It's awesome. I killed a pig this morning and I had an acai bowl. You're hurting things. Yeah, because I'm not eating them. I can kill more animals. And then are you

eating any more meat or less meat than you thought you would? If anything more No. Yeah. It's been going good. It's pretty easy. I feel like

I basically have traveled between New York and LA where most of the time I can very easily get a vegan option on a menu if I am ordering and at home Jill cooks vegan food and I buy vegan groceries

and then like I went to your house and Avi Tal had made steak and I ate steak. That was part of the meaghanism where it's vegan unless it's free food being offered to you. Yeah, I've heard of freeganism is also freegans

just take stuff out of the trash. That's like another different type of dietary movement. They only take a discarded food. Which I wonder if that's just a joke and not an actual diet. Yeah, I guess meaghanism has been going

A-okay. And does it bother you that you've never felt worse? I guess it's sort of interesting all things considered that I Well, I do wonder I don't think I'm eating healthier I'm definitely eating more vegetables but like

when I was in LA I got a vegan burrito. It didn't seem like it was necessarily good for me. Last night I ordered vegan pizza with my brother Dave Rosenberg. I don't think that was good for me. It was like nut cheese

bread ranch dressing cauliflower. It was like it was kind of like a buffalo chicken pizza but everything was fake but it was still like

it didn't taste like I was eating a salad I'll tell you that. That's right and you're not like you're still gorging yourself so you feel full to a fault at the end of it. Yeah, I think that there's definitely a way to make it healthier. Right now I'm just sort of prioritizing not eating

meat when I can help it but I was in LA I got a vegan burrito. Yeah, so I don't think it was healthy. Damn Daniel But we're only 17 days into 2020

so we'll see what it brings. Are you interested in trying a vegan diet? No, I'm not. I'm quite not. I'm interested in reducing my carbon footprint for sure but not in terms of not eating animals. Yeah. I think that's one of the best ways to reduce

what's that? At the very least fish feels fine. Yeah I don't know. Everything feels fine and also everything feels like at the end of the world because like even the idea of fish feels fine and then you like, I don't know, you learn that

they inject dye into fish and they farm salmon whatever it's all. Everything's terrible. Yeah, and then I think like my biggest thing is like gluten like eating a lot of bread and eating a lot of like all that like what's it called

enriched and scientifically produced and whole food based foods. Right. Like I'd want to eliminate that from my diet before like white chicken meat. Yeah, I could see that but I mean the good thing, I could still have

white chicken meat on my vegan diet because it's like mostly vegan and I don't care if I don't have it. Alright, here's a question from another Brit. Let's stay across the pond. Why not? We'll call this man you know

that famous British man. Boris Johnson. What? Boris Johnson. Boris Johnson writes I'm a 20 year old Brit and I recently started my first 9 to 5 office job. Holy shit, how do adults stay sane working

8 hours doing nothing? I'm looking for advice on how I can make these terrible hours go by faster. I tried listening to a certain podcast Wink Wink to help and learn the hard way that listening to something that makes you laugh audibly can be an embarrassment in the office. Thank you.

We never had to have a bad boring 9 to 5. I mean, yeah but there were times that I was bored at College Humor. Right, but a boring day at College Humor still feels probably more exciting than most office jobs. Yeah, that's definitely true.

It's hard to go from student which is like college student which is definitely not 9 to 5 straight and like, you know, tests that you have to study for, you're sort of making your own schedule into the workforce which is like much more strict. You don't even have exams so you're not like necessarily

stimulated in the same way. It's sort of this weird anti-school. Yeah, that's a kind of insane culture shock I imagine. School to 9 to 5. I mean, what was the worst job you ever had besides head gum?

Besides podcasting guy. I didn't really have any like bad job. Like I was a tutor which was fine. It was nice. I had worked on my like school's newspaper at Berkeley a little bit

but that wasn't like a 9 to 5. That was like helping out as much as possible. And then I went straight into College Humor. You really had it easy, you little shit. Yeah. I worked in a coal mine but that was only for a summer. When was that?

It was only for a summer. Where? What's that? I can't hear you. What's that? You're talking softly now. I didn't really do it, ass. I was trying to look cool in front of our frigging listeners. I worked in a coal mine. Well not in the

mine but like there was a trailer at the top and I would like answer people's emails and questions and phone calls. I had a summer job where I was a camp counselor during the day like from 9 a.m. to 2 and then I would work at my dad's

office from like 2 p.m. to 6. Yeah. So that was like a really long day where I mean the parts where I worked at my dad's office was super boring. Working as an assistant in a tax accounting firm's office at age 19.

It's not accounting. It's tax law. There's a difference. Okay. Yeah, I guess. I don't know. What are you still working there? I'm still working. Well, it's a family fucking business. And I think you don't have to call my dad a glorified accountant.

He's a lawyer. Huh? Is that where you were yesterday? We couldn't get a hold of you. I'm a gopher at my dad's law firm. Yeah. So when they need toner you're like a what? Like an intern?

Not an intern. I'm a gopher. As in I get the shit that they need when they need it. I'm kind of like an office manager and I supply the toner. Yeah. What is toner exactly when you say toner? I think it's like ink where

they need to print things legal size on the A16. That's the that's the 8 by 16 paper legal law size. When they run out of that and they run out of toner they ask the gopher and that's me and I grab it.

Sorry. Any advice on how to make a 9 to 5 better? I think you really got to become friends with your coworkers. Your job's not going to get better. The work's not necessarily going to get better. But if you are surrounded by people that you like the sense of camaraderie might make the work

more enjoyable. You'll have a lunch hour with friends. You'll be able to get a drink after work with some some chums. So really just takes one office crush and like that just will make full seasons fly by. Yeah.

I guess I wouldn't necessarily say develop a crush on someone because that could be complicated but get close to your coworkers. Maybe that's a crush. Maybe it's not. Who knows. I'm not going to tell you how to live your life except for getting close to your coworkers in some fashion.

Can you force a crush? I don't think you can force a crush. No. I think that they happen pretty naturally when you're like you have an office crush a work crush. You usually do. Yeah.

Like even if it's not serious you just like have somebody that you are fascinated by. I think that happens. Yeah. It's almost unavoidable. Yeah. It's like in a room there's like this famous math I guess thing.

Nice. The odds of two of them having the same birthday are like 50%. It's much higher than you would think. So if you're in an office with 17 people the odds of two people having a crush on each other probably over 50%. Yeah. 17 people I think the odds of two people

like falling in love over a period of time if those people congregate regularly I think it's high. All right. Let's try to get to one last question. Yes. We'll call this man

Golden Mike. Oh. Very good. I've been a fan of Jake and Amir since it ended in 2015 but I didn't realize you guys had a podcast since then I've listened to almost every episode twice and I can honestly say every Golden Mike Jake has ever won was not only deserved it was earned. Yes.

Anyway. My question might not be one you typically answer so I'll make it quick. That's right. Have either of you ever struggled with an addiction? I'm addicted to smoking cigarettes and weed I'm currently in a place of my life where it's easy to feed my addiction and I'm struggling to stop

any tips or advice would be greatly appreciated or at least two minutes of entertainment while I take a ride on this puff the magic dragon nice. I think I've been addicted to stuff. I don't know there's

I wonder I've definitely had compulsions to do stuff is that addiction yeah I don't know there's like addiction where it's like I can't put my phone down and then there's addiction where it's like my body chemically craves nicotine is that the same thing? Yeah I've never

had anything like that where it feels like I am like I've had things where it feels like I can't stop like putting my phone down I guess like there like times when I was doing lots of drugs but I would never felt like I needed it I couldn't survive without

it you know. It was more like just more fun to have it. Yeah I was like addicted to having fun and I felt like I couldn't have fun without certain drugs but we've had friends who are addicted to cigarettes that tried like there was a book that helped

some of my friends there was like hypnotherapy yeah some of our friends got hypnotized oh Alan Carr's easy way to stop smoking oh yeah I remember that. We had friends that like would read that book and stop smoking for months at a time. We had a bunch of friends who had nicotine

gum the there was a hypnotherapist going through like the college humor offices yeah was there is there anything that you've ever been addicted to though? Me personally no I mean phone is an obvious one that's why I cut the Instagram stories out of my life yeah like what do you have

what do you have habits like I don't know I we'd have to like talk to an actual doctor I think to understand what the difference is between like compulsion addiction habits and all that type of shit yeah is it all the same chemical addiction or is addiction specifically like a scientific craving for something

I think addiction I mean addiction is a much much more serious thing than being quote unquote addicted to your phone but there are I mean there's definitely resources for stopping smoking. Me and Amir clearly aren't a good

one but we told you about two different a book and a hypnotherapist so there's two ideas. How was that not enough for you? That's why you listen to the pod because me and Amir are addiction specialists. You went to

through a little cigarette thing a little bit right? I was never addicted I like you still like smoking cigarettes because I thought it made me look cool. Yeah but then like you were you would have like this like evening cigarette or like driving cigarette. I did on the way I think

it was just like it was definitely because I was when we first moved out to LA I think it was like a little stressed or something because that was when we were writing the pilot and I would have a cigarette in the evening as a way to unwind. Yeah like a nightcap a night cigarette yeah

I guess but I don't think I was ever addicted because I don't if I didn't have that it would be fine I wouldn't be like in a bad mood I guess that's like a slippery slope on your way to being addicted to cigarettes I definitely could have become addicted but I don't think I ever was. I wonder if caffeine

also like you have oh yeah multiple coffees a day. I guess that's an addiction actually my body would go through withdrawal and has when I like didn't drink coffee. There have been times when I I don't drink coffee in the morning and I like start to get a headache and you hear about

people that try to quit caffeine and get migraines for the day or for a few days or something. Yeah whenever I'm sick like in the heart of the sickness I don't crave that iced coffee that I use. Yeah that's happened to me where I'm like sick and I don't

want coffee but then in the afternoon I'll start to get a headache and I'll be like why do I feel sick why do I feel sick or I'm like oh yeah I need to just have a little coffee right. It just feels fine more fine because it's coffee instead of like why do I have this headache oh yeah because I haven't had whiskey today

yeah I mean there's coffee is definitely one of those acceptable addictions. I want to be addicted to water. Do you not drink enough water? I don't drink enough water. My brother was thinking that I might drink too much water. Oh you pee too clear. Yeah I thought that like

there wasn't really too much you couldn't really drink too much water but maybe I'm like flushing out my systems maybe that's why my neck hurts. Yeah I think you could drown your body. Yeah I'd be really nice for you and I to just like spend a day with a with like

a some kind of smart person. Not just a smart person but like like a body expert a fitness expert I don't know a jacked doctor that could tell us everything that we need to know. An Arnold Schwartz a doctor

of sorts. Yeah that would be nice alright that's it that's our time thanks for emailing us if you have your own questions or theme song submissions send them to if I were you show at gmail.com the opening theme song was written by Aaron Brown. I thought it was Dave Grohl.

This closing one was is a jazzy number written by Brian Payne. Oh I love a jazzy number. I should say we have more if I were you waiting for you on our Patreon if at patreon.com slash j a. That's right

and some Jake and Mir watch videos over there. Lonely and horny is over there. One over there working on getting lonely and horny season two over there. Come on dude. We're busy we're busy over there and a headgum video you can watch right now with Finn Wolfhard. That's right that is right the wolf

for the wolf. That was a very fun day. Finn was in our office we created some quality content we laughed we recorded it and it's online youtube.com slash headgum. Check it out. Alright and of course we'll be back next

week where both of us will feel a hundred percent how cool is that. I cannot wait I really can't. It's gonna be so good. Folks now we've got a premiere comedy duo for you all. I think y'all will enjoy them there something else in fact

one of them is a full grown chipmunk it's really spectacular not only is he a full sized chipmunk he can read, write and answer people's questions and he sounds just like a person's really something else. Anyway

without further ado I give you If I Were You