If I Were You - 42: Paranoid

Episode Date: December 2, 2013

In this episode we discuss fianc�s, fugliness, and foreskins.This episode is brought to you by OurTunez.com! bit.ly/1fNA7ul . Discover new music, upload your music, make money, and win a trip to Bonnaroo, all in one magical website...See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

I've never killed myself in a Starbucks I got a handy on a bus, but I'm married And no, I'm not proud of my Tinder matches And they're not a hashtag, no More like a hashtag, no But if I listen to Drake in the mirror every Monday I will finally get enough courage to go Seize that cheese without visible STDs

I'm unstoppable if I fail I'll just YouTube that shit Snapchat my girl a Batman pic Shit that's porn That was the right link I could've sworn If I were you I would listen to these boys They'd tell you how to wax your feet

And never to go zero to D If I were you Listen up and never roam Just an email If I were you, sure would you know that I come So good, so good That sounded a lot like that royal song actually No, I think it was original though

What? It was an original song The words are definitely different than the royal song So that makes it Legal That way we can air it Sir, your honor We can air it because the words are different

And because Lord herself doesn't listen to the podcast yet Yeah In three years when she's like Homeless for some reason again Dreaming of royals who's gonna listen to this podcast And be like, wait a minute They made money off my song But we didn't

Well that's good That's gonna be our case to the judge Your honor Yeah, your honor How is Skye and Megan? Skye and Megan Ta-da Rabah

And yeah, this is If I Were You The only advice podcast on the internet Hosted by us I'm Amir And I'm Jake New location yet again We're back in your basement in Brooklyn This podcast is like an oral history

Of our ridiculous November Actually it's technically December We're recording this Sunday at 11.15pm It's supposed to go This episode's supposed to go up at midnight It's not gonna happen We're cutting it that close This is borderline a live stream

Right, wow Shit, this is definitely the closest we've ever Ever, ever gone from recording to posting Yeah Yeah, well hopefully it doesn't come back To bite us in the butt It should be the same, right? It doesn't matter

Yeah, I think we still do the same thing I mean, definitely I've never recorded this podcast Feeling more depressed than I do right now Is that true? You felt pretty low Yeah, I guess the weekend after my birth Down is really depressed I wanna get to your nervous breakdown

As a break fodder Oh yeah, yeah, I'll save it I'll save it That's good It incentivizes people to listen Why did Jake have a nervous breakdown? Why did he at one point Just let's tease a single moment

You outside of my house Screaming into the palm of your hands Trying to contain this rage that you Just couldn't keep bottled up Fuck, fuck, fuck So that's where we start Let's rewind and explain what the show's about Basically, this is an advice podcast

People find themselves in difficult places They email us at ifirishow at gmail.com We come through all the emails and decide On four questions or five questions To answer over the course of the episode And we do our best to advise these people Out of their predicaments Sometimes we do it well

And sometimes we do it poorly But hopefully it's entertaining nonetheless Yeah That's about right Yeah, that's a quick way to say it I feel like I would write into our podcast As a person right now Okay, good

Oh, because you're in a difficult place A life conundrum if you will But let's save it for the break Let's go into... Yours isn't specific Yours is not a specific problem In an otherwise good life Your life is just a series of shambles

Where do you even begin to fix a broken plate This is you answering my question Yeah, this is great Thank you This is how it feels Is that how it fucking feels? No wonder people love it Alright, let's just...

Let's go right into it, huh? Why waste any time? Well, you're wasting time right now Why waste time as you're like Searching through your email, I think Yeah, why waste time at all? Okay, got it Ready?

Yes What should we call this person? It's a lady Frau farbissina Frau farbissina That's a fake name to a real email Real person, real problem pseudonym to preserve and an enmity

Ready? Yes Question number one Hey guys Last weekend I went to my friend's engagement party It was really nice Since I've been a pretty solid third wheel from the start Even in the speech

I made a note of the fact That I've heard them have sex More times than I've had sex However, we went back to their place The heating was off And it is Scotland So it was pretty damn cold The couple insisted on me sharing the bed with them

And being drunk and tired, I agreed However, during the night I was shivering And the man put his arm around me to Keep me warm Soon afterwards, he was full on spooning me And I was trying to keep his hands in appropriate places While trying to avoid the boner he was pushing into me And trying to be polite

When I got to the point When he was trying to pull my hips into him And I said I was going to sleep on the sofa He told me not to tell the girl Because it would make her, quote, paranoid I don't know what to do from here I feel like I should tell the girl But she has gone through a really difficult time

And this guy made her really happy However, they're really young, 17 So she would be able to fall in love again, too I really don't want to start something But since then, I don't want to spend too much time with them Am I overreacting? Any advice would be great Many totes

Frow Frow, you're underreacting You are drastically and severely underreacting You're underselling the situation Yes, you were borderline molested Not borderline, you were molested By your friend's fiancé Who's 17

First, yeah, first of all, one piece of advice I think even if you were just like Hey, my friends are getting married, they're 17 I'd be like, yes, stop right there Bad idea Right off the bat Don't get married at 17 That's a little cray-cray

Especially to someone who, quote Spooned and then tried to pull his hips into you And you felt his boner A boner Why were you trying to be polite? Is what I'm wondering So he's groping you, rubbing your body Ways that you don't want

And he's also your friend's fiancé And you are just politely trying to keep his hands In appropriate places Scream murder when that is happening He said he told me not to tell the girls Because it would make her, quote, paranoid No, no, paranoia seems like He's underselling it

Which paranoia is like delusional Afraidness Paranoia is like a fear of something that's not real Yeah, this would be a very substantiated actual fear Right, this way I'm afraid that would make her aware I'm afraid that would out me as a cheatsman A cheatsman of sorts

Don't tell her for fear that she Becomes aware of me being an asshole I'm afraid she'll become so paranoid She'll suspect that I'm doing what I am doing Which is pulling my boner into my friend's Or my fiancé's friend while she's in the bed Yeah, while she's in the bed But she does say this is Scotland

Is that an excuse? Does this happen in Scotland? I've never been there, but I'd like to go I'd like to be a fiancé in Scotland I would like to be spooned to be perfectly honest Scotland By this paranoid bitch's stallion husband This Scotsman, this Scotsman stud

This Scotsman stud with his boner of steel And his roaming hands He's a hero, he's the hero Scotland deserves He's a regular braveheart I really think he's braveheart for this Of course we're kidding He should have his penis amputated He deserves to be punched in the throat for this

His penis is actually half painted blue Half regular, just like a braveheart's face They can take my life, but they can never take my free cum Yo, we still got it We are in Puego today I do think here's what you should do I think you should tell your friend what happened I think you should tell the boyfriend

Actually, don't tell him, he deserves nothing Tell your friend what happened See how she wants to deal with it See how she wants to play it I'd hate to make her paranoid though Yeah, that's the thing I don't want to make her paranoid I don't want her to think aliens are out there

Or something like that Also, I don't want to tell her Because she's been through a hard time Well, this would make it a harder time If you just let her marry a dickhead Literally shoved his dick's head into you In bed In his dick's bed

Yeah, I think this is like She's going to go through another bad thing It's either this hard truth or a harder lie But she is 17 She shouldn't be engaged at this age, I think You might want to vet someone past their teenage years To see if they're an actual good person Well, no, I've been with him since we were 16

So I really feel like I know him How different are you now than when you were 17? I'm a different human Why would somebody hitch their wagon To someone who's still changing? People don't even look the same at age 17 That they do at 27, 37, 47 Right, yeah, of course

You want to wait until the cookie is fully baked Before eating it That is, I can't tell if that's beautiful I think it's profound But I also think you're just talking about cookies You might just be hungry I think you accidentally just thought about cookies The oven just dinged

Alright, now I know you were talking about cookies Okay, now let's talk about this person I just feel like he's not a good guy He's a bad guy There's no reason to get married at 17 I advise most 17-year-olds to break up Yeah, let alone not get married Be single, finish cooking

Yeah, you haven't figured out who you are either yet Yeah, well, she's not even asking for herself We're trying to get real, real lofty right now Like, my girlfriend's friend or whatever Put his dick on my butt What do I do? We're like, alright Examine yourself Look in the mirror

Are you who you want to be? If you're 17, you're not who you will be yet Yeah You are not you yet You are a teenager You are a half-formed, greasy mutant I don't think you should talk down to the best Absolutely

But I will say, you're right, they're not done for me But things are happening when you're 17 That are gonna, that sort of like Make a foundation for who you become Yeah, and it's failed relationships that helped do that Totally, so they got this, right now What's happening for her is a test Your good friend's boyfriend made a move on you

What do you do? Cause like, this is gonna shape the way you view relationships when you're older He failed the test, but you don't have to Damn right You're a cookie Alright You're a fricking brownie It was perfect

And now we're, yeah, we're getting past the perfect game here You're whipped cream Yep, it's like you're in the 11th inning hitting batters And I'm nuts Alright Alright Next question Yes

Let's do it, let's do it We need a dude's name Do you have a dude? Oh, we'll call this guy Austin Powers Yeah, that was easy, right? Yeah You needed me The titular character, actually

Of course He's a titular for this Question number two, Austin writes Yeah, baby, yeah Oh, very toda No, he didn't actually do that He did not I shagged him, baby

I shagged her rotten, yeah Alright, this is what this person actually wrote in I've got a problem with my penis The fricking foreskin is attached to the head And I can't pull it back Yeah My wing still works I asked my smoke show of a girlfriend about that

But I'm worried about what other chicks are going to think about it I ran a quick Google searcheroo on stuff like this And it's not all that rare of a problem All it takes is a little quick trip to the surgery And a little snip on the attached area I think I want to do it The only problem is I'm going to have to talk to my parents about it

And it seems like the kind of convo I don't want to have I wish there was some kind of way to fix my dick While keeping it just between me and the GF So guys, should I just man up and talk about my cock Or is there another way around this shit? After all, does it even matter as long as my wonderful willy works? Thanks for the help Love, Austin Bowers

I should have looked up a picture of this But I guess it doesn't matter But I didn't want to see a dick No, I don't mind about that He's not asking how to fix it So we can understand there's this type of Dilemma Dilemma

Which is more than just an uncircumcised penis Right You think this is like beyond that I guess So he has foreskin It just doesn't peel back from the head It doesn't matter what the problem is The problem

No, let's get there The issue is Should he be too ashamed to talk to his parents about This problem that he's having in order to have surgery Is there another way around it? I mean if you need surgery I think he has to tell your parents If you're young enough to

Not be able to afford your own health insurance Slash surgery Then you should talk to your parents about any medical problem I wonder if he can just go to the doctor If he can go to the doctor And have the conversation with his doctor And then have the doctor have a conversation with his parents He doesn't necessarily have to be like

Mom, dad, I want to go to the doctor So he can look at my penis Because there's this thing wrong with it Or this thing that I perceived to be Cosmetically wrong with it Maybe he goes to the doctor and the doctor's like Oh yeah, it's like unhealthy because You know bacteria can get in there

And you have to be able to wash your whole penis I mean the force isn't supposed to appeal to that I don't want to talk to my parents about it I'd rather just live my life as a weird penile guy Than ever talk to my mom about my own dick Right now your mom doesn't know you have a dick I'd really hate for her to find out Yeah, it's okay to

Your mom, you sucked on your mom's tit Yeah, like last week dude I swear to god You fucking got to sloppy second with your mom Zero through one and a half You were licking her tit Not to mention, buddy, on the day you were born You were full on insider

Dick and balls Yeah, your head You were face deep in your mom's muff Your mom's clit just scraped against your face As the doctor pulled you out of her pussy Okay So I assure you it's okay that you fucked your mom For nine months

Right, I don't know like when a dick is formed But it was in your mom, pal And that is fucking foul That's disgusting She also probably bathed and cleaned that dick That you don't want to talk to her about For about four years Rubbing your dick

Yeah, just like there was probably like Poops smeared on your balls as like an infant Your mom's wiping it with a sponge or whatever the fuck So let's say this guy's sixteen Eleven to sixteen years ago Your mom was just cleaning that dick So you don't have to worry about talking to her about A little problem that you're having

Trust me, she's okay with it No one should have any shame in front of their parents My parents have seen me at the most vulnerable The worst ever, you know Can you imagine him just being like So mom, I have this problem My foreskin is still And then the mom's like

Ew, oh my god, I can't believe you brought this up Ear muffs, ear muffs Austin, you fucking psycho, I'm your mom TMI, Austin Don't bring that shit in here Yeah, I think it's, I mean It's like ripping off a bandaid I know you don't want to talk to your mom about your pain

But you just got to mention it Just be like, hey, I want this done It's, I don't know Or, wait a minute, it is like ripping off a bandaid Oh, just pull back Have you thought about, yeah Grabbing, just with your thumb and index finger Just hold on to one end really tightly and snugly

Sort of give it a little shake like you're washing out a sheet Oh, wait a second, it worked And then rip it, rip it off like a bandaid And oh, we're good No one come to a convo with my mom, actually At least my smoke show of her girlfriend doesn't care He doesn't really have a smoke show of her girlfriend, right? Hey, my penis is all fucked up, but it's cool

Ask my fucking hot ass girlfriend I'm just worried about future hot girlfriends that I'll have That I might care about it more than my current hot girlfriend does Keep in mind, she is hot, she is my girlfriend, she doesn't care And I have her But I'm just worried about other hot girlfriends that I'll get And I'm not just jerking off to a picture in a magazine of Natalie Portman, okay? No, no, no, no, she is a, I assure you she is a smoke show

I mean, why wouldn't she, why wouldn't she, why wouldn't she be, why wouldn't she be into me? So the advice is talk to your mom, tell her that you have a weird penis Whatever you do, don't talk to your dad about it He will smack that foreskin right off of you Oh, yeah No son of mine's gonna have a problem with his penis That's a, that's a, that reflects poorly on the father, actually In fact, Austin, I'm really disappointed that you brought this up

How do you think this makes me feel as your father, I burst Austin, here, look at my dick I'll show you what it was supposed to look like You're, yeah, you're not shit Oh, God Poor skin that it completely envelops the entire thing Yeah Yeah, it's like a stocking

Jesus Christ Uh-huh Yeah It's, it's so loose, it jiggles out I'm a monster I really am, Austin It covers the entire butt, it looks like you're wearing a beige color, tidy whitey And I wish I was

That's just awful I'd love to take it off, Austin Your old man is a, uh, I fucked a beige sock and it never came off And you know what, I was too afraid to talk to my parents about it It grew, it grew, it grew, and now look at where I am It looks like I got an elephant trunk, but I swear to God My dick is a peanut at the top of this long skin shaft Long skin shaft

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Let's launch it Just use that offer code If I were you to save 10% off that first purchase Thank you, Squarespace Alright, that's more than enough actually You're disgusting me Jesus Nah, just kidding

You're cool, you're cool You're good Sorry, I'm about to cry Yeah Question numero 3-0 Numero 3-0 Moving right along Let's do it

I like it, this is an efficient episode That's what we came here to do Surgical, precise Question number 3 Do we have another dude In the Austin Powers arena That we can name this guy? Dr. Evil

Do you not know characters in Austin Powers? There's something about a miniature hymn Alright, miniature hymn rights $1,000 Alright, Dr. Evil writes Hey guys So I recently got off school for winter break And so did my girlfriend

She's been traveling all sorts of fun places With her family LA, Hawaii, etc. But I've been stuck at school working at But I've been stuck at school Working my job as a library clerk But I've been stuck at school Working my job as a library clerk

As you can imagine, the library is completely dead This time of year So I'm bored out of my mind Manning the circulation desk My girlfriend knows this But she keeps sending me snapchats And texts while I'm at work About how much fun she's having

I'd be lying if I said I weren't I'd be lying if I said I wasn't extremely jealous And I know I should be happy for her But there comes a point When it almost seems like she's Consciously rubbing it in my face How could I tell her to cool it Without coming off as an uncool dude

Thanks, Dr. Evil You are absolutely an uncool dude Yeah Just based on the fact that you work at the library Nerd alert, nerd alert, nerd alert Alright, back to the podcast Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa The nerd guns

The nerd sensors Are firing on all cylinders Oh wait, it's actually just because it's on us Yeah, we have a podcast We have a podcast Podcast is Do you know how hard it is to explain that to people? Everyone is like, oh, what do you do like aside from

Working at College Human I'm like, um, you know I'm a radio DJ I have a podcast They're like, that's not a thing, right? Oh, so you, uh You broadcast your own little radio show, do ya? Yeah

Hey, things will turn up Things will turn around Uh-huh Actually, they won't Thanks, clerk at 7-Eleven They won't turn around I think our plan is to, god Keep doing it or some shit

Yeah, I guess like in an ideal world I actually do it more In a weird way, I have so much creative control That I like having a God, podcast I'm so sorry Get out of my store What is happening?

You're not allowed in any 7-Eleven I'd like to at least have a slushie, please Absolutely You'll pay double The drink of nerds I know I've deserved it So this guy is shallow I think, yeah, you're

Your heart's in the wrong place And your attitude is bad There's no redeeming characteristic here I think a nice thing would be to be happy For your girlfriend Which you sort of understand You're like, I know He says like, I know I should be happy

For her, right? Yeah Okay, but you don't really know that Because you're not doing it Well, maybe he's just being so honest Like he's not letting her know Or at least I hope At least that's my advice

Don't let her know that you're ever At least 1% jealous of her Yeah, don't do that You have to be 100% supportive, excited Act as though you're there When you get these snapchats Right, try to like match her Not even, not only just match her

But beat her Be like, I'm so happy for you That's awesome, you're the best Like, ramp up the contacts Send her boring snapchats of you And be like, wish I were where you were You know, like Then maybe like, actually

You'll get yourself into it And you'll end up feeling the way you should Actually, the next emails from this girl Was like, my boyfriend keeps sending me Boring ass snapchats While I'm kite surfing in Hawaii It's really harsh in my buzz My, my loser boyfriend

Works in a library And listens to these nerdy Jewish kids Talk on some fucking fake radio show I went hang lighting the other day And he snapchatted me a picture of a book I almost wanted to puke But only dust came out I mean, he is just a goddamn boar show

Is it cool? How do I tell her to cool it Without coming off as uncool? We're gonna answer a different question Whether or not you should tell her to cool it And the answer is no You should not tell her to cool it Don't tell her to cool it, boys

If anything, tell her to ramp it up Yeah, say more pics Turn that jealousy into like a fire that fuels you Or just like, you know This is also some advice If you can't shake being the jerk that you are I think you can like Don't be like, yo

You're pissing me off with these But try to steer the conversation In another direction You know, talk about something Aside from vacations And maybe you guys can agree On some other subject that you can enjoy Like if she sends you a picture of

You know, her at the pool You respond like How about you turn the camera around And send one of you in that bikini, babe And then she's like Oh, oh my god Now I'm getting hot You pervert

You sexy fucking librarian Yeah, you want one of my tits You fucking library bitch Here it is Oh god And then it's like Your girlfriend's fucking tits And then you're like

Oh shit I'm gonna put my dick in this book God Check this out Here's my dick I'm gonna do an index card So you can see That it's half the fucking size

I'm gonna put my dick in dickins, baby Oh shit Dickins, dickins I'll show you a tale of two titties It's like two cities My dickins are dickins And I'm going by committee My hard thick dick

It's in the dickins Thickins, sickins Don't dismiss them It's the Dewey Decimal System Categorize my balls, yo Ho So yeah, that's where you want to get You want to turn

We're gonna figure out a way that you could be having Snapchat sex with your girlfriend Okay Suddenly, that's a good news for you And for her Yeah, there you go Have you ever felt jealous of a loved one? Me?

Yeah Mmm Yeah But yeah Did you let her know? No You followed your own advice Before you even gave it on the show

It's crazy That's why it's called If I Were You Oh, because that's what you would have done Because that's what you did do Uh-huh I was you That's beautiful Oh, shit

Oh, god Yeah, wow That moved me Why? That was kind of lame to be moved by your own words, huh? No, it's kind of small in lame, actually Happens to me a lot I know it does

I saw a notebook You had a composition book Of meaningful quotes And they were all attributed to you It was titled Words That Moved Me By Me For Me For Everyone Actually, speaking of crying Why don't we now get to your nervous breakdown?

Yes So we're recording this on a Sunday Going out on a Monday Not two days ago on a Friday You were hightailing it back from Northern California To Southern California in a rental car Down to my parents' house So that you can what?

Let's see Where did all of this come from? So after the tour, I went to Los Angeles Yeah To have to spend Thanksgiving with my brother Okay We drove up the coast of California Beautiful

Camped in Big Sur Beautiful, gorgeous, great Good stuff We saw my cousins in Santa Rosa Beautiful, relaxing time Yeah, it was super lovely Perfect Did you decompress?

Yeah, I did decompress a little bit Did you detox? Yeah, I detoxed a little bit I mean, it was always like It's very relaxing But I still wasn't home I was still living out of the bag But it was nice

It was great seeing my brother Awesome seeing my cousins My cousin has a little five-year-old And she's just like Lovely times She's like medicine It was great She's the best

And then Then I had to get back to New York By Saturday morning So I could move My movers were coming Saturday at noon So I needed to take a red eye Friday night On Thanksgiving Day

I realized that I never bought my flight home So Thursday you're like Oh, Friday night Time to check when my flight is Uh-oh, I didn't buy one Did I not buy one? I'm just searching on my phone My cousin's like

Hey, will you play Barbies with me? Yeah, of course Fuck, where's my... One second Uncle Jake needs to buy some shit Whoa, Jake I remember this The reason I thought that I booked the ticket

Is because a month before I had priced out all these flights Found out the one that I needed Was like, oh, wow $244 for a non-stop red eye That's great Okay, I'll do this Anyway, time to shut up my computer

And assume I purchased the ticket So I never did I ended up buying a $500 ticket With a layover through Philadelphia One where I had to not only Get onto a... To like change terminals But I had to get onto a shuttle bus

That took me outside of the airport And they're freezing cold At 5.08 a.m. At 5 in the morning But before any of that even happened So I've got this red eye That I need to catch I need to drop my brother off

At school in Santa Barbara Which is about 300 miles south Of where you were And just like, as we're going We're not making any progress Getting later and later I... Finally, like, I just like

After I dropped him off I like, my ETA was like 7 p.m. I needed to drop the rental car Off by 8 It's like, all right, this is okay But I don't know what... I don't know what the fuck happened But at one point it was like

Yeah, I'm not going to get in Until 7.45 And I still needed to like Change my... I needed to like grab bags I needed to bring the rental car Yeah You need to do a lot of shit

Return the rental car Get to the airport Drop off your bags at my parents' house Yeah, and your parents Had people over for Hanukkah dinner Yeah, and you come over to my place You're frazzled as all shit And there's just like

Eight people having a lovely dinner Being like, hey, Jake, sit down Eat, come on, relax I didn't... Oh, I did tell you this In the... I was in the driveway I had to piss so bad

That I was peeing into a bottle Because I didn't want to like Run into your house And just go right to the bathroom So I was like peeing into a bottle It sprayed everywhere Got all over my jeans All over the seat of my car

Which I sat in So I just came in Incredibly uncomfortable Reeking of piss And sweat And just like... I was exhausted Adrenched like, oh my god

And I needed to Scarf that dinner I'm like making small talk With like eight different people And then your two nieces too That was lovely I had a good time there It was just very frazzling

As people grilled you About your situation That was out of your control Then while you were looking While you were talking I was looking to see If Enterprise, the car rental Place is even open yet

And it wasn't Yeah And then you're like It doesn't matter I'm just gonna drive there And drop off my car Which I thought that like It was like the movies

Or a library Where you're just like I can like drop off the keys In a box I swear to God I've done that before I got there All the gates are closed

Well before you left I walked you out to your car To drive back to Enterprise And you shouted into your hands Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck

And you said You never had a You never had a nervous breakdown Or cried from stress But that's as close as it got Yeah I could imagine I mean I wanted to

I just couldn't I wouldn't I didn't have enough time to cry If I like If I could have just sobbed I would have And I would have been a great relief Cause I got there

I got to the rental car place I hid the car on a side street I called you I was like I need you to just like Come and return it in the morning And I had to return my car in the morning Yeah

Oh my God So I took a bunch of pictures I mean I'm like Running around with my bag Trying to get a ride to the airport With my ex-girlfriend And you send me like A picture of where your car is parked

You hid the keys under the license plate Hoping to God nobody steals this rental car Yeah Luckily nobody did I was on the hook for it Yeah And then you made your red eye Middle seat

Middle seat through Philadelphia LAX to Philly Middle seat I asked so many times to change it And everybody was so rude to me I like I got there and I was like Trying to smooth talk the dude

I was like Yo is there an extra seat It's all full I was like Well like What happens if people don't check in It's like Oh yeah

Maybe I was like Cause there are lists Just like smiling But And then I waited till everybody got on the plane I went up to the ticket agent I was like Hey is there a middle seat

She's like No it's all full I was like Well did everybody check in She's like Yeah you see all this blue That's everybody checked in And there was like

Four or five yellows I was like What's the yellows Like that's people that haven't checked in yet I was like That's what I was asking That's my seat Can I

What about the yellows She's like It's all full And I was like Alright And I went in I was like I'll ask another flight attendant

I don't know why I felt entitled to like somebody's empty seat But I just felt like the universe owed me a solid And you didn't get it And then I got here I got all the way back to my apartment After two flights And the heat was broken My apartment

I just wanted to sleep for two hours before the movers came And it was just a frigid frigid icicle house Thirty six hours later We're here right now Twelve hours after that You're listening to this That's how time works people And guess what

Twelve hours from now We are on the road to Los Angeles yet again We're driving The adventure continues So hopefully we'll have more funny stories from that Should we get to this last question Before we run out of time Before I break into a thousand fucking pieces

Alright Let's do Let's get to this guy Ready We'll call this guy Mini me Whatever happened to Vern Troyer It doesn't matter

Alright I ate Shasta McNasty You really did Alright Shasta McNasty What an obscure reference Alright Hey guys

I recently started a new college And things are going pretty smooth But I have a problem with the ladies I'm fairly unattractive And rather nerdy I'm into anime, video games, etc I have no problem with myself The problem lies in that

There's a girl that I've been talking to Who's very similar to me She's into a lot of the same things I am And personality wise We are fairly similar Perfect, right? Wrong She's butt ugly

Scraggly pube hair Horrible face And generally unavoidably ugly features I thought she was too ugly to date But her personality is very redeeming I realize I'm being a hypocrite But I can't get around the way she looks Help

No No You don't deserve help You deserve no help Wow What an amazingly self-aware email It's not self-aware I feel like he's

I'm fairly unattractive I bet he's a fucking I bet he's a dog's anus this kid But it's so funny that she's Perfect, right? Wrong She's butt ugly You just said you were ugly

Yeah Except you're ugly inside and out And it seems like she's just ugly out Yeah If anything She shouldn't go after you Yeah Your personality is not redeeming

Your hers is Yours has failed Yeah, what are you bringing to the table? You have You already said you were unattractive Rather nerdy Okay But at least you have a nice personality

Oh wait, no you don't Because you're emailing us To write about this woman who you say is ugly And you don't know whether or not you should date her I have no problem with myself Right, we can see that You should have a problem with yourself Change

Be different The way you are Don't Scraggly pube hair Horrible face And generally unavoidably ugly features Don't do you Don't do you

Change who you are Change you The man you are Needs to not be That That way What you are now Shouldn't be you next time we see you

Let's just simplify it You as You is Is bad Not good Be another way The way you are now is not a good way that you are You should be a way that's not the way you are

Change to be different will be accepted Good Good job Not you Someone else New guy New guy New guy

New guy Whoa, new guy actually writes into the email Hey guys, I'm fairly unattractive and rather nerdy Luckily for me, I found a woman with a similar personality Who accepts me for who I am Holy shit, we're both not traditionally attractive But that doesn't matter because we get along so well Because of our personalities

We laugh about the fact that you know Some people look at us and think we're conventionally unattractive But you know what? To us, we're perfect What we have is real Oh my god You changed, man Holy shit

You changed, dude That's amazing In real time Did you see that? Congratulations, you It's a miracle You're not longer you We saved him

We saved him We can rebuild him And he should be rebuilt Oh man For right now, he is not good You are not good, sir But thanks for writing us in At least we've been able to at least guide you

In the right direction You're like a blind hamster Hitting a wall over and over And we lifted you up and turned you around Facing the road towards recovery I hope I wish Per chance I dream

You You beautiful hamster, motherfucker You You lovable You lovable hamster roach You rodent bastard I saw a mouse at LAX today I don't know if you have anything to say about that

I saw a fat fucking cockroach in this basement No It was funny Good thing you're leaving this place Ooh, this cockroach infested basements I'll miss it I'm gonna miss it too Hey, this continues our streak of like

Four or five consecutive podcasts Recorded in different spaces Yeah, and it's only gonna continue This is a wild ride It really is We are untethered in flux Yeah But uh

Can't think of a guy I'd rather be there with Than my own person And hey, you're not too bad yourself Brother Maybe Jeff and Dave And that'd be it You are definitely in the top five-oh Well, Marty and Steve

Pushes you Oh, Streeter, you're six Top ten though, not bad You don't get a medal But at the same time You're gonna be in a top ten list Yep Oh, unless we're talking about King Girls

Cause then Woof Game changer How so? I mean, they're easily just like Well, my family, friends Sarah, Amanda I'm in the top ten

Let's leave it at that Family count? That's absolutely legal Family count It does not count Family does not count Alright, you're nine You're nine, chill

It's good Stop thinking about it Cause I'm afraid the more time you spend The more people that you John and John Carlo pushed you to eleven, buddy I'm sorry No! Eleven is the worst

Prime number in the world Plop Alright, that's our time Thanks so much for listening, everybody And if you have your own problems You can email us at Ifirishowatgmail.com Also, that opening theme song

That was an original That was one of a kind We take new theme songs Every single episode And open and close the show with them So that one was by I think Skye and Megan were their names And this last one

Is by somebody named Andrew Andrew, thanks bud Think you can beat him? We'd love to hear you try Oh no I thought you were gonna die You said oh no Cause I only fell asleep

Instead of dying I wished you would Oh no I closed her eyelids And it turns out you were only asleep I was not dead Damn it Alright, cool

See you Thursday, everybody Say bye Peace Peace Text me Take it up with you Hope you get the advice you want right here