If I Were You - 42: Poop Fiasco

Episode Date: August 19, 2024

In this episode we discuss our new soccer podcast, egg cracking, and the triumphant return of Poetry vs Noetry.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HITGUM original. The Meet you two pathetic hoes Uh huh Mmm Um, that was really, really pornographic Uh huh Oh, I'm not allowed to have a new catchphrase at 39 I can't opt into that Uh huh Uh huh at 39, I can't opt into that.

Uh-huh, uh-huh. So it's uh-huh, but in a high-pitched, high-energy, slightly sexual, yes, but it's not about that. It's not about that. If other people find it sexual, that's on them. And if other people are turned on by the way I say it, that's their prerogative. I'm just living my best damn life.

I'm just trying out a new catchphrase that is sweeping the nation, that is sticking like glue to society. And yeah, it sounds like a tiny woman coming. And so does a lot of catchphrases. It might be a little sexual, but ah-ha, it sure does stick in your head, doesn't it? Ah-ha.

It's sort of like Mr. Hankey the Christmas Pooh. Heidihoe. Heidihoe. Heidihoe. God, was there anything funnier than Mr. Hankey and his hay day? He had it all. He was a shit and he was for the Christmas.

Actually, speaking of poop, I had an interesting poop fiasco this morning when I was walking my dog. Any relation to Lupe Fiasco? Yes, indeed. Indeed, because I was listening to Lupe Fiasco on my iPod Nano. Oh.

Yeah. So what was the Pupae Fiasco? So I was walking down the street. I, you know, you have the little dog poop bag rolls. I was starting a new roll. And I believe since they're held together by a sticker, when I peeled the sticker off and slid it through the little baggy dispenser, I must have compromised the integrity of the bag because Dingo let loose a big honking shit, a very large poop, and I went, I picked it up in the bag, did the flip to flip it out, and it just all fell directly into my hand. Through the bag, just all in my hand. So what do you do at that point?

I am two blocks from my house. My right hand is covered in dog shit. I got out a new bag with my left hand, picked up the shit and the split bag. And is he ready to keep walking? Cause he doesn't know or care what's going on. Yeah, but he's not like pulling at the leash or anything. He's fascinated by my struggle.

He knows this is the drill. I pick up the poop afterwards. It's taking a little longer than usual, but he's pretty patient. But I just kind of hold my right hand outstretched and I walk directly home. Of course, he does still need to piss. He stops.

So I open my other hand. It's not far off. Because at this point, I'm sort of a toilet for Dingo. He does, sometimes he lifts the legs. Sometimes he does like a little squat thing. And for some reason today, I think maybe because everything was just off, he sort of tried to split the difference

and he half squatted and just pissed directly onto his front paw, I guess out of solidarity. So then I come home, Dingo's paws covered in piss. My hand is covered in shit. I had to kind of like tie him up by the door so I could wash my hands, then go back, clean the piss off of him. Where did you throw away the original shit?

You put it into a new bag. Yes. But your hand, was it, what would you say the consistency of the shit was on a scale of hard as a rock to pure soft serve all the way to liquid. It was thankfully decently hard. I think it was probably a seven. So it did all, and I kind of like instinctively

because it's like falling, I guess. I didn't like try to catch it. Like as soon as I realized it was shit, I moved my hand. But it did, it like, it got pretty, my, I was, it got pretty, I was, I looked at the hand and it was brown. There were three of my fingers were, had brown stains on them. Just a hand wash, not a full shower.

Not a full shower, but it did take a scrub. Like there was actual fecal matter on the hand. It wasn't like I had to like, you know, actually get the shit off of the skin, then wash, then wash again. Sniff, sniffed after the wash of hands. You're like, this is probably good enough. Yeah, I didn't really sniff intimately,

but the whole, I mean, I'd smelled soap pretty severely. So I felt like they were pretty clean. And I washed them, I washed it twice. Thrice actually, because I did twice for the shit and then once post piss clean. So three really good hand washes. Would you have eaten an apple right then and there or were you still needing to give it

a little bit of distance before, let's say eating a barbecue chicken wing and- Yeah, licking my fingers. I probably would have wanted some distance, I think. Yeah. I would have maybe had an apple. I could imagine eating something and kind of favoring my left hand though.

Yeah, like a pear or something. Yeah, I did cook, I cooked eggs after that. Oh, interesting. And I cracked them with my right hand. I was gonna say, I have an egg cracking update. Really? Did you get the video I sent you? You know, I got it, I was on vacation,

so I didn't play it. I got it and I didn't. You saw a video and you were just like, I'll watch it later. I saw a pan and I was like, oh, I bet this is an egg thing. I'll watch it later. So you weren't curious as to how I figured out what to do.

Let me see what day you sent it to me because it was right in the middle of my vacation. It was on your birthday, yeah. Was it on my birthday? It was, okay. It looks like, oh, it was on Saturday. Yeah, it was a Saturday morning egg. Yeah, so actually that was the day that I left vacation.

I should have, you know, then I think it was more about it being a travel day, so I wouldn't take it personally. So I saw either, I saw an online video of sorts where somebody said you can just crack an egg by dropping it into the pan and it does a perfect split in half. So I'm like, okay, let me skeptically try that out. Right.

And I drop the egg. Yeah, and it cracks right open, split down the middle. And then you go like this and there's no shell. There's no shell remnants. That was what I told you about dropping it on the plate. It's the same notion. No, you're thrusting and hitting and cracking and opening. I'm dropping it into the pan.

Yeah. Dropping it onto the pan. I said it was dropping it onto the counter. Drop it onto the counter, but then the egg gets onto the counter. Yeah, yeah, exactly. So it's not perfect. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

So it's not good. It's not that it's not good. You get a little egg on the counter, but yeah, exactly. So it's not good. It's not that it's not good. You get a little egg on the counter, but yeah. A little egg goes a long way. Drop the egg in the pan, lift it up, and you can almost do the single-handed one, because at that point, it's a clean break

all the way through, right in the middle. So this is, I guess I'll play the video now. Please, and narrate as you go. Oh, it's got to, oh, it looks like it's got to download. It's really a large file. Okay. Yeah, I shot it in 4K, 4K. Nice.

Wow, you're not concerned. It is, oh, you're doing it one-handed, really impressive. So that is perfect. Oh, you said perfect at the end. That's an egg cut in half, and gravity did most of the work. Yeah, I mean, that's really, that's great. You're not concerned about burning your hand because it is a hot pan that you're dropping it into.

What? You know that it's hot. I mean, it's cooking an egg. I severely burnt my hand. Charmed. I had no idea from what. I thought I sliced it on the shell. No, I can pick it up.

I pick it up in the middle and I'm hoping that like, yeah. And honestly, I think the goal to making good eggs is to not make the pan super hot. Then like it doesn't get burnt on the outside and still kind of runny in the middle. And another fascinating element, cause I thought you kind of did like a scramble situation, but it looks like you're doing your,

do you often do a fried egg? That's what you're, that's what you're doing. You're not like. It begins as fried and as I mix it in the pan and it is nonstick. It becomes by de facto default, a scramble-ish egg. It's a light scramble. More of a broken egg. It's a fried egg with a scrambled-ish egg.

It's a light scramble, more of a broken egg. It's a fried egg with a broken yolk, really. Do you concern yourself with microplastics with the nonstick? Are you fine with that? I do not. I'm 100% fine with microplastic. In fact, I prefer macroplastics.

I ate a garbage bag on the side. Instead of a fork, I ate a garbage bag. Yeah. Instead of a fork, I use a water bottle to just shove the egg in my mouth. Instead of bacon, I'll slice a cup, a red solo cup, and I'll put it in the pan and let it kind of melt. For dinner tonight, I'm having a Poland spring. Bottle. Doesn't matter.

Yeah, I'll eat any. I'm not worried about those little, oh, diseases are on the rise. We don't know why. Do you ever wonder why more people are getting sick and ill than they were 100 years ago? That's not for me to figure out. Yeah, okay.

So you're just gonna consume the Teflon and that's fine. Actually, I've been having a hard time finding a nonstick pan. I'm glad this one is actually working. I don't even know if it is what it is, how it looks, but it's, it feels a little bit different than the usual. Maybe it isn't even Teflon. Maybe we've graduated past it, but it kind of works. Maybe the plastics have gotten so micro that you can't even see that. That's right. Yes, exactly. So thin and small, these microplastics. Okay, this is if, not if I were you,

what's the other one called? Our podcast? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, wait, give me a second. Oh, give me a second. Seconds. Seconds. That's good, Jake, give me your seconds.

It's our second podcast. A healthy portion of segments coming right at you. Yes. And, you know, it's a sort of Swiss army knife of shows. Right, everybody heard the theme. Two pathetic hosts, yeah. So what segment should we start with today? We've already been talking about shit,

we've been talking about plastic. I feel like we need a quick one because we're already pretty deep in it. Right, we're really deep. We could, do you want to preview our other podcast that you and I are gonna start? Oh yeah, well we could talk about actually doing it because I'm still on the fence,

but you want to do a Tottenham Hotspur podcast. That's right, that is right. I came up with a great name for it. That, honestly, the only reason I wanna do it at this point. Interesting, let's hear it. What's the name? The Kois Boys. Yeah.

Because it sort of combines us, the Koi Boys, with that catchphrase or whatever tagline that they use. Game over, the Kois Boys? Come on you Spurs. Yeah. Yeah. Come on you Spurs. Yeah. Yeah. Come on you Spurs. Right. And you want, so this would be a weekly podcast

where I watch the games with you and talk about it? Yes, you'll, you will be watching every single game. This is, this is my dream podcast because I do this anyway. I'm watching all the games. I talk about all the games, kind of ad nauseam. I watch the game. I often watch the, as long as we do well, I then watch the highlights.

Then I look at all the players' Instagrams. To me it's a match, too. It's a game. For me, it's like always been a match. That's what I call it as a football fan. But for you it's like a soccer game. Well, I call it a fixture. That's how you call it.

I call it a fixture. You call it a match, I call it a fixture. Well, it's a fixture. It's a fixture in my life. Yeah. But it's a match when I call it a fixture. Well, it's a fixture. It's a fixture in my life. Yeah. But it's a match when I watch it. Tell me what you think about the table. What do you think about the table right now?

This table? Yeah. The table? That you're sitting at? So it's, it's normal. What do you want me to say? So yeah, we'll watch every single Tottenham game, match, fixture. Yeah. And then you and I will discuss how we think it went,

what kind of changes Ange should be making. You know the coach is named Ange Pasta Coglu. That's a terrible name. Big Ange, Ange Pasta Coglu? Ange Pasta Coglu? Yeah, when I first saw it, I was like, I'll never know how to pronounce it, but now it's really second nature.

I mean, he has to get the fuck out of there. We can't have that in our fucking system. No, no, he's the coach. He is, no, he is, it's the, Big Ange's system is the one that we want. He is, he is. He has his flying up. Yeah, yeah, he's playing that,

the swashbuckling, dare to dare is to do, That's the Kois slogan. So he's we're finally daring. We are finally doing the fans are chanting. We've got our spurs back and we've got one of the off side. Hold on. What is off sides? It's when you're you're you're ahead of the last defender and the ball's on that half.

I feel like they gotta get rid of that rule. That'll open up the field so much more. If I'm cherry picking, that should be allowed. I think off sides, well, we can talk about this on the Coysboys, but a big issue is the video assistant referee, which is kind of like frame fucking the offside. Oh, it's pinky was ahead of his fucking foot.

It's like, that's not really a competitive. And they'll take seven minutes out of the match to kind of be like, look at that, yeah. Drawing the lines and it's still not even perfect and they still get it wrong. So it kind of just like is awful. Everybody, I think almost universally hates it, but everybody's afraid to get rid of it because the last thing you want is- Offside is awful. Everybody, I think almost universally hates it, but everybody's afraid to get rid of it

because the last thing you want is- Offside is awful. Yeah. I think offside- And this is how the episodes go. It should be up to the linesmen. Yes, we'll take listener questions. People can talk to us about their favorite teams.

The Spurs will play every single team twice. So everyone's favorite team will be covered. Penalty kicks should be worth half. You get a penalty, you make a kick. That's a lot less impressive than like a goal in action. You should have two of those for every goal given when, when a goal scoring

opportunity is taken away. It's like, Oh, I slid tackle and I kicked your shin backs. You weren't necessarily going to score a goal, but now you have like an 80% chance to do it. And then I do an insane goal and actually get a goal and now it's a tie.

No, what I did was better. I outplayed you, you got lucky. It's like if a basketball free throw was worth 23 points, giving too much credence to these kind of easy things or move it back to the point where it's like a 20% chance. Yeah, but I think the beauty of football is that it's so simple. You don't really wanna complicate it by being like,

oh, this penalty is gonna be worth half because- Half. I don't- Yeah, half. I feel like the show- You already have halfs in the match. Yeah, you do have- It's already the first half. Right, yeah, but I mean, points are points.

A goal is a goal. And I have no idea, they've been playing since the 1800s, so I feel like they're probably not gonna change anything for you. That's the problem. They're not thinking about innovating because they've been playing for so long. Well, they innovated with VAR and it's gotten worse.

I think it's probably better to just leave it as it is and just. Right. But the replay is really fucked. Replays I think have fucked up most sports really. Can you think of any sports that have gotten better because of replays and the challenges? It's just not fun.

Because it ends up being subjective anyway. You're just staring at it on a closer lens and then it ruins the flow of the game. And then fans of both teams are like pointing to different parts of the video being like, this is allowed, this is not allowed. Actually, if you look at Slow It Down frame by frame, he beat the out by touching the bag of millisecond earlier,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, it's like it would be a lot more fun. Like don't give baseball a pitch clock, but then take five minutes for a challenge. You know what I mean? Yeah, I mean, honestly, you can get rid of that umpire because I don't know what he can see from behind the catcher anyway.

How can he tell like how low it is? It's like, oh, that was anything low, but I can't really see the catcher from the way. AI really could replace the home plate umpire. And it- Yes. That should not really be happening. But this is all stuff that we'll cover on the Coysboys.

We'll be talking, we'll be talking Tottenham, but mostly talking, actually mostly talking Tottenham, and talking a little sports. But I'd really like to keep it Tottenham focused. A completely new podcast? Yeah. Yeah. So we'd have this podcast and also a soccer podcast.

Yeah. That seems like a lot of podcasting. It's not that much podcast. I mean, cause we're both already gonna watch the Tottenham game. That's a foregone conclusion. Well, sometimes they're on it like 6 a.m. on Saturdays. Yeah, you watch the replay. They replay it and they're on Peacock.

It's not really an issue. I don't have Peacock. I'll give you my fucking log in. I'll give you my log in. You don't have the NBC suite? You don't have peacock. I'll give you my fucking login. You know I don't have peacock. I'll give you my login. You don't have the NBC suite? You don't have NBC streaming? I really think you must. I have NBC.com,

cause I have cable. Okay. I don't have the cock. I kind of feel like if you have cable, then you have access to peacock. Yeah, I can DVR it. Yeah. This is all stuff we'll cover on the course boys.

How to look at a fucking TV. 45 stuff we'll cover on the course. 45 minutes on how I watch the game. I have it on my iPad. But you know, a lot of people are thinking about getting into the Premier League because it's a lot of fun. It's great sport to watch the sports. Like I've been saying, have they've they've really gotten significantly worse with all of the commercial breaks, et cetera, et cetera.

And even though VAR is not perfect, football is 45 minutes plus the stoppage time for injuries, but they never cut away. They're not going to a commercial. So it's a lot more enjoyable to watch. And that's why it's not popular in America. I watch the games for the ads. I wanna make sure that the owners are making bank.

Yeah. Don't worry about these, the owners of these teams are making bank. That's not a problem. If you're worried about the owners not being rich, don't be, okay? The owners are rich. I wanna know which team is owned by the most Saudis

so I can sort of root according Lee's. Who's the closest to being a trillionaire who's sort of in charge of this whole rigamarole? I guess Man City or Newcastle are both kind of like sovereign wealth money. That's not bad. That's not bad. But the Spurs are the Jewish team in England.

So we kind of have that going for us. That's true, that's true. All right, I guess we'll discuss on the pod. We had a premier league pod on our Patreon for a little bit. And that was the impetus for me falling in love with Tottenham. And now here I am. Yeah.

I'm fully coys. So it did work in that regard. All right, we'll give it a shot, I guess. First game is on Monday. It's on Monday. A week from today. Yeah. AKA the day this episode comes out.

Right, this episode comes out on their season opener against Leicester City. So, and that game is at 3 p.m. That's a noon game for you. 3 p.m. for me. So we'll watch that. We'll record right afterwards. And we'll.

So if all goes well, you guys could in theory hear a Premier League Coysboys podcast. That's if we get our shit together. Right. It'll come, yeah. Which I'll give like a 40% chance. 40, okay, fine.

All right, let's take a break, come back. And I got some poetry for you. Yes! It's the return of poetry or nootry. We're back. Thank you to BetterHelp for sponsoring this episode of our show. That's right.

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slash segments. I love it. Have Babbel, will travel. Rules and restrictions may apply. Always. Thank you, Babbel. Losers. And we're returned.

Yes, we are. It's been a while because I had to replenish my creative coffer. But now the juices are flowing. You can't bang out a new poem every week. Like nobody's that prolific. I have to wait until my vocabulary resets itself. I actually tried something in July where I was writing a poem every day. And were any of them good enough to share on this podcast?

Oh, no, they're personal, deeply personal poems. They're not for consumption. Let's choose one at random. Let's say the July 1st, your first poem that you wrote. Yeah. Potentially most personal and raw. Right, the day that I was overcome with emotion that I was like, you know what, I'm gonna write a poem.

I have to do this every day. I'm gonna write this and I'll do this every day. I don't, I didn't- Did you make it every day? No, no, but I've probably, between July and now, I think I wrote like seven or eight poems. That's pretty good. Yeah, I did like three days in a row.

Then it was like, then it was sort of a once a week thing. And once a week feels a lot better than every day. Every day is really hard. Cause he ended up just kind of being like, I think I'm forcing it. I think I'm forcing it. Let us fart out a limerick. It's 1140.

All right. Anyway, let's hear, let's hear yours. Okay. So these are, I got four instead of the usual three. What? Wait a second, wait a second. Whoa, you're moving the goalposts on me, but what are you talking about? You can't give me four poems.

I'm giving you four and they're pretty, some of them are kind of like completely new unpoem likes, but let's see how it goes. Well, all right, fine. But this is obviously kind of bunk because it's supposed to be three. Now you're having me choose between, okay. Yeah, it is supposed to be three. But you kept getting it right,

so now I thought I'd muddy the water a little bit. I see. All right, let's hear it. Okay. Okay, this first one is called Ella Telephino. Nice, it's not you, but go ahead. Once there was an elephant who tried to use the telephant. No, no, I mean an elephone who tried to use the telephone.

Dear me, I'm not certain quite that even now I've got it right. However it was, he got his trunk entangled in the telefunc. The more he tried to get it free, the louder buzzed the telephi. I fear I'd better drop this song of Elephop and Telephong. It is, it's not for me, but I think it was wildly creative. It was fun. That feels like a poem written by a poet who is like

it was like a good actor who's like, I'm going to star in a romcom. It's that's that's what it felt like. Somebody just flexing a muscle that they don't often use. That's my my initial. that's my gut take. Let's move on. Jesus in Jacksonville. Okay, this could be you. Do you think Jesus was in Jacksonville?

Did he celebrate at Melting Pot and bowl with Willie Dennis? Did Jesus ever shop at Dillard's or beat the heat in Township Square? Did he score a bingo at Arlington's or cash his checks at the Winn-Dixie Dock you teller? Do you think Jesus was at Palestine Park? Did he get high with skaters, beats, and punks? Or did he end up like Von Weedeking and proselytize with Ginsburg? Don't smoke, don't smoke, don't smoke. It's a $9 billion capitalist communist joke.

Hmm. Okay. I, all right. I don't necessarily like it, but I don't think it was you now. Wood. Wood? Wood.

W-O-O-D? Correct. We age in darkness like wood and watch our phantoms change. Their clothes of shingles and boards for a purpose that can only be described as wood. You see what I mean by different kinds of poems here. Yeah, yeah, very cryptic, very cryptic. This is my, I do like this kind of poetry.

I think if you had read all three of these, and there is one more. Yeah, I know, I know. So if you had, if you'd read these three, I would be pretty confused. I think I'd guess would, but I feel like this last poem will be you. So let's hear it. This one's called Shopping at Erewhon with the Boys.

Now. Marty and Cohen took me as shopping. There's no way this is a real one. Actually, this is not too dissimilar from that joke. It's called wallpapering. Oh, wow. As you know. Yeah.

We've talked ad nauseam about my wallpaper fiascos. My parents argued over wallpaper. Would stripes make the room look larger? He would measure, cut, and paste. She'd swipe the flaws out with her brush. Once it was properly hung, doubt would set in. Would the floral have been a better choice? Then it would grow until she was certain it had to go. Divorce terrified

me as a child. I didn't know what led to it, but I had my suspicions. The stripes came down." Hmm. God. That last poem really does nothing for me. And that's why I would think it's you, but there's this element. Ella Telefino, once there's, from the top. It's like, I feel like this last one should be you, but with the wallpapering that you did recently, and I don't think you'd write about your parents. In a way that's like, that's why I did write

about my parents or like even in that context. Did you go directly at my doubt? You're like, oh, he doesn't think I'm dumb enough to like write a poem called wallpaper. But then I'm like, are you double faking me? But could you be double faking me and doing something with your parents which would really trip me up?

Let me hear Wood again. Let's see Paul Allen's poem. Okay, Wood. Yeah. Wood is the most, like the poems we have been doing. Right. A classic capital P poem called Wood. We age in darkness like wood and watch our phantoms change.

There are clothes of shingles and boards for a purpose that can only be described as wood. So yeah, it doesn't mean anything. And it's not so it's not true. We age in darkness? That's actually not correct. We don't. Not even metaphorically do we do that.

I'm sorry. Let's eliminate a poem. Let's eliminate a poem. We're going to eliminate the elephant telephone poem. Ella Telefino? Yeah, Ella Telefino. By Laura Elizabeth Richards. Okay. It's a real poem. Ella Telephony, I should say. Ella Telefino. Yeah, Ella Telefino. By Laura Elizabeth Richards. Okay.

Is a real poem. Ella Telephony, I should say. Ella Telephony. I remember that one because I learned it in elementary school. Oh really? Wow. Yeah, Ella Telefino.

Ella Telephony. It's whimsical. I would like to read her other work. Does she only do children's poems or is that kind of like a departure for her? I thought it was super modern, but then when I searched it online, she was like born in 1850.

So I guess she was being funny back in the 19th century. Wow, so it's even funny than I thought. What was the second one? I literally don't remember. Oh, the Jesus one. Jesus in Jacksonville, yeah. See, I kind of feel like that could be you as well because it feels a little bit like you just went

to the Jacksonville Wikipedia and pulled up a bunch of- Spammed it. Yeah. Why don't I, I'm gonna eliminate wallpapering. Eliminate wallpapering? Yeah. Wallpapering is a real poem. So you are down to Wood and Jesus in Jacksonville.

Let me pull it up again. Let's- Yeah, wallpapering is a poem that I searched. I searched wallpaper on Poetry Foundation. And that was one of them by, let me look, Sue Ellen Thompson. Sue Ellen Thompson. It's not a bad poem, Sue Ellen Thompson. Sue Ellen Thompson.

It's not a bad poem, but I don't really feel like it says enough. Okay. Sorry, Sue. I'm sorry, Sue, it's just not funny. But you still didn't think I wrote it. Yeah, no, I mean, well, but I really think it was mostly the wallpaper of it and the parents of it.

I was like, I just don't think Amir could go there. So it wasn't about the poem's quality. No offense to Sue. Okay. Can I hear Jesus in Jacksonville? It's a long one, but here it goes. Do you think Jesus was in Jacksonville? It's a long one. Yeah. But here it goes. Do you think Jesus was in Jacksonville? Did he celebrate at Melting Pot and Bowl with Willie Dennis?

Did Jesus ever shop at Dillard's or beat the heat in Township Square? Did he score a bingo at Arlington's or cash his checks at the Winn-Dixie Dockuteller? Do you think Jesus was at Palestine Park? Did he get high with skaters, beats, and punks? Or did he end up like Von Wiedeking and proselytize with Ginsburg?

Quote, don't smoke, don't smoke, don't smoke. It's a $9 billion capitalist communist joke. Okay. I don't- Could not be more different than Wood. Yeah. I feel like at the end of the day, do you think Jesus was in Jacksonville?

It's just not a question that you would ask. And I come back to the fact that Wood is really a meaningless pulp. So- I can't stress enough how little we age that wood is really a meaningless pulp. So. I can't stress enough how little we age in the darkness. Let's go ahead and guess that you wrote wood. Wood by Richard Brodick.

No way. Shit. We age in darkness like wood and watch our phantoms change their clothes of shingles and boards for a purpose that can only be described as wood. That's right! I wrote Jesus in Jacksonville. Do you think Jesus was in Jacksonville? And you are right!

I did just fucking spam Wikipedia and put in as many references as humanly possible. Yeah. And tried to write kind of an anti-poem, a poem that's not poetic at all. Just like, hey, do you think this happened? Do you think this happened? I wonder if he did this.

I gotta be honest, I really don't, I don't hate the poem. It's, it ends with a very interesting, like cadence, it's just a quote. Yeah. I also should have get, I almost said this out loud, but the word proselytize, I just think that's like, that's a word that you like.

Man, that irks me. It was the last, there was, I was gonna go on for like way too long and be like, and you're like, usually the really, really long ones are not it. But like, I'm like, I'm running out of steam here. And the more I write, the more I can give away. That was another reason though, I was like, this one, it seems too long for him.

Because wood is short, it's cryptic. Like I mentioned, I feel like it's pretty meaningless. And yeah, that seemed like, you know, it seemed a little bit all ends well yet-y at the end of the day to me. And I kind of cheated because I did take that last quote from a different poem. Oh, that's a huge cheat.

That's a huge cheat. That's because- That's an Alan Ginsberg poem. So that's why I wrote, did he proselytize with Ginsberg quote? And then I quote. Oh, and then you quote. I see. All right. Well, no, that's, I thought, yeah, I knew that it was a quote that wasn't your words, but I, I thought it was interesting that a poem would end with a quote and you didn't steal that. You didn't steal the, that somebody else ended their poem with a quote.

You just stole the quote. That's right. So that's good. There was actually a, there was a last stanza that I didn't read. Let's hear it. Because I sent it to Avital and she's like, I would just end it with a quote.

Yeah. So this is what I didn't read. It's impossible to say whether this would have tipped you off, but now you'll definitely say it would have. Here it is, ready? I felt that he was there when we protested Bayer Burns, then ate Greek sandwiches at Christo's. I thought he preached at Bishop Kenny

and taught at modern day, but I know Jesus wasn't Jacksonville because he told me he was there. Ooh, I like that. I think if anything, that would have made me really commit to Wood. Wow. Yeah.

So I should have kept it in. I thought, yeah, that really wraps it up nicely. I think that was a good poem, man. Jesus was in Jacksonville. Are we, do you think between this and what he saw, are we getting better? You didn't read the ones that you wrote every day, so I can't really say it.

Well, I think, I mean, I think I'm based, I established myself as a poet when I wrote what he saw. That was a really great poem. And it got you, and it got you bad, and it got me good. But see saw. And now, what was it? Do you think Jesus was in Jacksonville? Or is it just called Jesus in Jacksonville?

No, just Jesus in Jacksonville, yeah. Jesus in Jacksonville. I think that's kind of your best work. We're getting to the point where we could put together a book of poems. Interesting. So let's scrap the fucking soccer podcast. Like that's just gonna waste our time on the path

that we wanna take towards being literary published poets. Yeah, literary giants, titans of the industry. I mean, what poet isn't rich as fuck? Laura E. Richards was a billionaire. She owns Aston Villa. It's amazing. It's amazing. How dope is that?

She wrote Ella Telephoni and then fucked around and bought Brighton Hovalbian. Nice dude, you're getting into the football. Do you have a team that you would like? You'll end up loving Tottenham. You'll fall in love with Tottenham. But like, is there a team that they would play? And you'd be like.

What if they're bad? They, you know, they might be. I think that they're, no matter what, they're gonna play with heart. Their games last year, even the ones that we lost, were always very, very exciting. They were like a, they were the neutrals team to watch because they were always high scoring games.

Who's the? Not always, but yeah. Who's the- Not always, but yeah. Who's the first match against? Lester. Oh yeah, you said that. Newly promoted Lester. Okay, all right.

I'll watch one match. What's the worst that could happen? Yes, dude. An earthquake? We already had one of those today. Yeah. Okay, let's take another break. Come back and do one more segment.

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Yeah, I'm honestly not smart. I am not smart at all. I'm not the brightest tool in the shed. What? Or the sharpest light in the bunch. What? This guy, he doesn't even get these fucking metaphors. He's so fucking stupid, but he's also kind of smart

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That's a lot better than mine. Yeah. Yeah. Mine is ZamZaniel.com. That's not bad either. There's actually two pretty good ones. Right? ZamZaniel? Yeah, two really good ones. Right. Zams annual.

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We're here with Jake and me, the author of Jesus in Jacksonville, the number one poem that's sweeping America. Ah-ha! Remember that? No. Here's a game we played the other way around about a month or two ago,

in which you asked chat GPT to come up with a mere Blumenfeld trivia, and I tried to play it. Yeah. I believe you did pretty well. I did pretty well for AI that was consistently giving you incorrect answers. That's right. Yeah. Cause I guess we're not famous enough for it to know anything about us.

Yeah. Just guessing and hoping that nobody cares. I asked chat GPT, can you give me 10 trivia questions about Jake Hurwitz multiple choice ideally and let me know what the correct answer is? Spit it out in two seconds. Yeah, of course. And I said, give me 10 more difficult, true or false Jake Hurwitz themed questions.

Boom, done instantly. Great, and you can tell. And some of them are right and some of them are not right at all. Okay, let's hear it. Here's an easy one. What am I playing for? You're playing for anonymity.

If you get 10 in a row correctly, no one will ever know who you are ever again. That's a threat. Kinda cool, right? What's Jake Hurwitz's new catchphrase? Ah! Holy shit, it's that after the minute. Here's an easy one just to start.

What's the primary genre of Jake and Amir? A, horror, B, drama, C, comedy, or D, documentary? Let's go ahead and say comedy. That's correct. Great. Okay, but here's when it starts getting a little more. Inaccurate. Questionable.

All right. What is Jake Hurwitz's role in the Jake and Amir series? A, writer, B, actor, C, director, or D, all of the above? Oh. Well, it should be D, all of the above, but I'm guessing that it's not because you said it was questionable. I guess it'll credit me with actor.

I'm sorry, it was D all of the above. I led you astray. Yes, you did. Okay, great. You're an asshole. You're a liar. You're a cheat. You added four poems.

It's obviously you're not playing by the rules anymore. What is Jake Hurwitz's educational background? A, Harvard, B, Yale, C, UPenn, or D, New York University? Okay, so none of them are accurate, but I do often lie about going to Yale. So let's say Yale. The answer is A a Harvard University. Of course, of course.

I don't know where deep in the algorithm of chat GPT, it's scraped that little nugget, but yeah, maybe because we performed there once and there was like, that's close enough, good enough. That's true. Okay, good for me. I did, we did get to join, what club did we join? Oh, the Lampoon, we got inducted to the Lampoon.

So maybe that was it. Maybe that's it, it's on my Wikipedia or something. Did we ever talk about joining the Harvard Lampoon? I remember like when it happened, it was kind of secretive. So maybe we didn't. I feel like we did. I think we told the story. People should let us know because if we didn't,

then we should tell the story story because it was very funny. It was weird. Yeah, we got low key haze for an hour and a half. And they also hazed Marty. Cause I guess they like started, they had us like. I'm just here to drive them to the show. You don't have to put me on my knees and yell riddles. They like had us over and then we, yeah,

we like moved into another room and they're all wearing like bird masks or something. And Marty is like, I'm gonna, I don't think I should be here. And they're like, no, you should. So Marty's been inducted as well. It was like that SNL sketch where Chris Farley's accidentally on a Japanese game show. Oh yeah.

I don't know what's going on. I just asked the concierge. Yeah. as Farley's accidentally on a Japanese game show. You're like, I don't know what's going on. I just asked the concierge. Yeah, that's a good story. Let us know if we have told it before because we can tell it as best as we can recall again. Before Jake and Amir, what was the name of the sketch comedy group

Jake Hurwitz was a part of? A, the Harvard Sailing Team. Oh. B, Kids in the Hall. C, The Lonely Island. Or D, Saturday Night Live. Oh my God. See, I think that when I did this for you,

it also thought you were a member of The Lonely Island. So I'll choose C, The Lonely Island. I'm sorry, the correct answer is Harvard Sailing Team. They just really think you went to Harvard. My association with Harvard is so deep. That's so weird, because it's a rival school to my real alma mater. Y'all are-

I guess. Shout out to Billy and Adam, who were actually part of the Harvard Sailing Team. All right, then I said, enough of this, give me some true or false questions. True or false, Jake Hurwitz was born in New Jersey. I think it's false, I think it's false. It's true, it's true.

What part? Jake Hurwitz has won the Webby Award for his work on Jake and Amir. That's true. That is true, correct. Jake Hurwitz and Amir. That's true. That is true, correct. Jake Hurwitz and Amir Blumenfeld first met while working at a fast food restaurant. Oh, false, but they probably think that it's McDonald's

because it's featured so heavily, so I'll say true. No, they said false. They met at college while working for College Humor. Not true either, but okay. Jake Hurwitz has a background in music and played in a band before focusing on comedy. That's actually, that's minorly true. I did used to play in a band.

True is correct. They didn't know that though. They didn't know about Wally J. Jake Hurwitz once appeared as a guest on the WTF with Mark Maron podcast. I wish, that's false. False, that is correct. Jake Hurwitz directed a feature film

called The Fourth Dimension. I'm just gonna guess true because I want it to be true. Unfortunately it is false. They're right about that one. And lastly, Jake Hurwitz has been involved with the writing for a television show, Adam Ruins Everything. I think that they think that's true.

That's correct. You were in an episode. I was in an episode. I was in an episode. I think, was I in two? And did you improvise? I'm pretty sure I didn't. I don't think I had a very big role. It wasn't necessarily in two.

That's correct. Yeah, there wasn't space to do that. What was your episode of Adam Runs Everything? I think it was about, I wanna say it was about plumbing or something like that. Toilets? I was just playing a guy on a date with Hailey Marie Norman who I met there and then ended up casting in Lonely and Horny.

So you were out best for everybody. Yeah, I think this like date thing was like, we're on a date, she gets locked in the bathroom and then Adam teaches her about plumbing. Or maybe it's the other way around and I don't know. She teaches Adam about plumbing? No, it might've been me that got locked in the bathroom and somebody taught me about plumbing.

I literally have no idea. We should watch that for our Patreon. It's a great call. Jake in a mirror watch, Jake learns about plumbing and Adam ruins everything. Or Jake waits in a bar while Haley learns about plumbing. Adam ruins everything. It was such a small role.

Hey, there are no small roles. You know that. Yeah. This one was. This was the exception that proves the rule. Yeah, there are no small roles except for Jake Hurwitz's role in Adam ruins rule. Yeah, there are no small roles except for Jay Kerowitz's role in Adam Rood's everything.

Yeah, all right. Pretty good AI trivia. You know, we're not there yet, but we're definitely trending closer to there. I mean, I think it's gonna solve cancer. I really do. The thing knew I was on Harvard's sailing team. How do you explain that?

I wonder what a Jesus in Jacksonville poem chat GPT could write. See, that's art that you can't get from a computer, unless the computer is you. Have we done chat GPT poems versus us? I think we did. Yeah, it was, well, not all chat GPT poems. I think I like-

But one of the fake ones. Yeah, one of the fake ones was, oh yeah, I think it was like, I wrote one, there was a chat GPT one and the fake ones. Yeah, one of the fake ones was, oh yeah, I think it was like, I wrote one, there was a chat GBT one and a real one. And unfortunately I had asked the chat GBT to write in the style of Mary Oliver, and it just name dropped, they like name checked Mary Oliver in the poem.

Like as I walked through the same woods that Mary Oliver did, and I like didn't clock it until I was reading. That's a classic Mary Oliver move is to like mention herself in third person. Emma, she's goaded. She's absolutely goaded. All right. That's it. Thank you for listening.

Thank you for watching. Appreciate it. If you want more on our Patreon is Jake and Amir watch and potentially a new podcast called the Coys Boys, a limited run English premier league show about soccer, life and love. It'll only be 40 to 60 episodes this year. That's yeah, it's still a lot.

60 is more than one week. Well, yes, they're in the Europa tournament. And then also you have to think about the domestic Cubs. We're gonna obviously watch their Carabao Cup games and their FA Cup games. Carabao. Especially, yeah, the Carabao. I care about the Carabao. Nice!

Yes! Thank you for, yeah, letting us know what segments we should do next, including whether or not we should talk about the fateful night we got hazed by the Harvard Lampoon, which I think makes us part of the Harvard Lampoon now. Yeah, us and Jimmy Fallon forever. All right, sweet. See you guys next week. Ciao.

That was a Hidgum Original.