If I Were You - 420: Road Hand (w/Ana Nicolich!)

Episode Date: February 3, 2020

Friend and fellow Headgum podcaster Ana from Twinnovation joins us to discuss new dudes, old nudes, and using speakerphone in public. For more IF I WERE YOU check out our Patreon.com/JA!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Yo! Please don't meet you bitch, it's about to get real. Yeah, swiping honeys on my tinder trying to hit that. Swiping money from my parents getting thick cash. This foul is some nefarious I'm getting whiplash. I'm too embarrassed to admit I got a dick rash. All alone wishing someone would sex me.

I'm trying to catch a bone like I'm beard or Leslie. I'm looking down the road wondering what is ahead of me. I'm searching for advice hoping someone can help me. Headgum, scout that shit I need. If I were you the show, episodes every week. Hosted by two Hasidic bitches drippin' and steeze. Dispensin' shitty wisdom pretendin' they know what it means. Please!

If I were you, if I were you, if I were you now. Come and listen to if I were you the podcast. If I were you, if I were you, if I were you now. Any sticky situation these boys can solve that. If I were you, if I were you, if I were you now. Jake and Amir sittin' here, put your warmth last. If I were you, if I were you, if I were you now. And Amir is a chipmunk now.

Shut up man! Shut up! Oh, fuck you dude! Alright. Anna, what do you think? That was amazing. I think, do you think that sounds like it would be me if I rapped? Yeah, yeah. I'd actually think that that's what I would sound like.

That was actually written and recorded by a guy named Jacob LeGrand. Oh wow. So I feel like we've said that before the whole Jake sounds like Jake. All Jake's basically sound like. I could see that. Yeah. He says he submitted a theme song not twice but once before and you haven't used it. Which is why I think I'm more than a little coy.

It's truly a gem of me. P.S. give me 20 cents and I'll butt fuck you. Sweet. That's from a video. He didn't just come up with that. That's actually something Amir and I came up with. That's awesome. The reason it's so funny and interesting to say that is because we came up with it

not because Jacob's did on his email. Anyway, Anna, thank you so much for joining us. Oh my God, thank you so much for having me. Anna, to me you have three different last names. Yes, well. Which one do you actually go by? My full name is Anna Merida Nicolich. Okay, and my phone you're Anna Rosenberg.

Oh yeah, well that's my third one, right? Yeah. I use different aliases depending on, you know. That's right. What grift I'm pulling at the time. But I used to really be Anna Merida. Now I'm Anna Nicolich, but maybe I'll just go back to being all three, right? You should.

Okay. Drop Anna actually. Anna Nicolich Rosenberg. Merida is a cool first name. It is, right? I'll say that. What about just Anna? Anna, we've had your fiance on the show a bunch before.

I don't know if people have tied that together. Oh yes, me and Dave Rosenberg are engaged. That's how we met you. Now I steal a lot of my jokes from Dave, and I think he steals a lot of his jokes from you. So we've finally gone straight to the source. So you are me. Yes, essentially. Oh my gosh.

On this podcast, I am you. I'm the Merida transplant. I like that. The just Anna. You're not just Dave's fiance. More importantly, you're Dave's now podcast co-host on Twinnovation, right? Yes. I can't believe it.

I don't know how I conned my way, and now I'm here. Well, he was also pitching a lot of your ideas on Twinnovation. That's definitely true. What role have you absorbed on Twinnovation? What space do you fill for that podcast? I thought I was going to be the host, but I'm definitely not. Dave is definitely the host. Dave is the host.

Dave just took over a dictator and made himself a host, and he introduces himself first every week still. That's nice. I feel like I'm just a moderator maybe when they start going off track. You bring him back. A bit, but we go off track a lot. What is your... Sorry, are you burping, man?

Me? Yeah. I would never. You've burped, I think, multiple times since we started. I'm just trying to rub in the fact that I can burp. I don't fuck off, man. What do you think is your marquee invention? What are you known for?

Oh, my God. Well, I feel like I started out really strong once I joined. I had just had a bunch of ideas, basically, that I just write down anyway, ready to go, but as the weeks have gone on, I'm getting weaker and weaker. You're phoning it in. Well, I'm not phoning it in. It's hard to come up with a new invention every week, like a legit good one. I've been on a guest on Twin Innovation four times, and I think after the second, I have

another idea. How many inventions am I supposed to have? I don't know. I had one a few weeks ago that was called the Quacker, which is just a box that makes noise so that it won't be so awkward when you go somewhere. You know what I mean? No. If there was just a box sitting on the table, and it's an awkward situation, you're meeting

your fiance's family for the first time or something, and suddenly this box just goes like quack, and it's like, what is that? You have to just start explaining what it is and talking about it. Oh, yeah. It sort of just gives you a little… This box is like a conversation starter. Yeah. It's just a little colorful and mirrored box, almost like a children's toy that makes

noise. You could just talk about it endlessly. That's cool. Why does it quack? I don't know. That's kind of what I mean about phoning it in. That's what came to me first. The idea of a box that distracts from awkward situations is good.

Yeah. Make it quack, why not? Yeah, exactly. And also, everyone said this was actually my worst idea, so I don't know why I decided to display it on this show. I said, what are you known for? You specifically said I had a lot of good ideas. I'm known for my one flub, a mirrored box that quacks.

I can't remember any of my good ones now. Well, I think Dave is probably known for… Well, Dave is known for, I guess, the no. The meat thing? Yeah. That's not mine. I can't take credit for that. I also think Dave would be known for the true root, which is jarred women's farts that

he was mailing out. That's also not mine, and I'm glad that it's not. Yeah, of course. All right. Yeah. Let's try to answer some questions, because we don't usually have a wise female guest imparting her wisdom. It's usually just me and Jake sort of farting back and forth into each other's assholes.

That's right. I don't know if you've listened to this show in a while, but it's pivoted to smut. Oh, okay. Yeah. Well, I'm glad I'm here. I should say that this is, if I were you, the only advice podcast on the interweb hosted by us. I'm Amir.

I'm Jake. I'm Ona. Nice. Was I not supposed to jump in there? No, that was perfect. That was weird. Sorry, guys. If there's ever like a weird lull in the conversation, we should just start quacking.

Yeah. Ana's wearing a mirrored jumpsuit today. What is that? Never an awkward silence when my suit makes all these noises. All right. We got a question from a lady. Ana, we just need to give her a fake name to preserve her anonymity. Nice.

Ooh, I love that. Yeah. Effie. Effie? Yeah. How do you spell that? E-F-F-Y. All right.

Effie writes, what up dweebs? I'll get right to the problem. I broke up with my boyfriend five months ago and we haven't spoken since. However, he reached out to me yesterday and said that he got logged out of his Facebook account and wants me to resend all the photos and videos from our old Facebook Messenger conversation. What? This wouldn't really be a big deal.

However, in those photos and videos, there are some nudie pics and a few videos that I don't really feel comfortable with him having anymore. When I expressed his concern to him, he said he really wants these pictures and videos because it's the only thing he finds attractive anymore and he still watches them all the time. I don't know what to do. I mean, I knew he had them all this time and I haven't really thought anything of it. But now knowing that he still watches them all the time and it's the only thing he can get off to, it feels like I'm a porn star to him or something.

The videos aren't even good, LOL. Do I resend the photos because he had them before so it wouldn't be any different or can I just not send it to him and blue ball this guy forever? For some context, me and this guy dated for about a year and didn't end up on the worst terms, but the breakup was definitely one-sided. He tried to get back quite a few times. So would sending these pictures and videos be leading him on or would it just be a nice thing to do?

Thanks. Love, Effie. What? Oh my God. What? First of all, you know that this girl is super young, like possibly an actual teenager, like just from the fact that she's even questioning if she should send this ex-boyfriend her nudes. She can't be that young because she's on Facebook.

That's an old person platform. Yeah, that's true. I mean, obviously the answer is just an outright, of course not. Right? Yeah. I mean, that is the way foes on the guy to even ask. Yeah. Like to be like, hey, like I've lost our whole conversation, resend it to me.

Like maybe that's like your ploy, hoping that she doesn't notice. Exactly. But then once she's like, well, I don't want to send you the whole thing. There's some news. She's like, well, actually that's the only thing I wanted. I actually jerk off to them every day. The lie is fully revealed. Yeah.

And now he's like still, he's like, all right, so yeah, I'm just going to come clean. I specifically want the nudes because I specifically need to jerk off to them. Yeah. And she's considering it. Yeah, do you think this is a lie? Do you think this is a lie just to get back into her good graces? I mean, it seems like he could just reset his password, but he's like, I don't want to like go through the whole ordeal of thinking about an eight alphanumeric thing.

Just send me the nudes. Yeah, it is weird that he, why does he want, right? I don't know my mother's maiden name. How would I ever get back into my Facebook now? That is so weird. I would actually think that this guy is creepy and a stalker at this point because five months ago. Yes. And like if he's specifically saying that he wants the photos because he's not over you

and like in a kind of not just like, I miss you way, but almost like a gross way. Yeah. I still need you to, I need these to jack off. Yeah. Is it's a, it's a bridge too far. I feel like he asked because he knew she was the type of person that would even consider it. Yeah. Otherwise it would be a no go.

Not only she considering it, she's considering it enough that she wrote in about it to you guys. And she almost like defensive like, should I do it or do I have to give him blue balls? Yeah. Would it be a nice thing? It's not blue balls just to not give him the old photos of you. That's not blue balls. She owes him a little bit maybe is like the implication. It would be nice.

Yeah. She would owe him nothing for sure. I think he's just trying to like reopen up a conversation with her and he's like, this is his like weird drunken flirtatious way of doing it. Being like, I can't get our nudes. I miss us. Do you have the videos? Just send it to me. If you don't have it, maybe send a new one.

I mean, if this is his game, like if even looking at it from every possible angle, like the absolute worst. The absolute worst is that he's kind of a scumbag who's like specifically just asking for old nude photos because he like can't get over it. And he's like kind of, I don't know, just like an aggrieved stalker. That's absolute worst case scenario. Best case scenario, which is what you're saying is that like he's trying to just keep the door open. This is the worst attempt at flirting I've ever seen. Yeah. So he's bad at that too.

Exactly. And also I don't like that we're trying to make this seem sweet somehow. Like this isn't flirty. This isn't like an olive branch. This is like a pervy, like asking for someone's nudes. How does she trust that? Like he's just going to like sweetly keep these for his own like pleasure. Anyway, it's like easy.

He just, she just asked him to promise. I mean, why doesn't she just give him her Facebook password? That way she's not resending it. It's just letting him have carte blanche access to her messages and information, et cetera. Yeah. That way he can post on the wall. He can respond to the messages. And then he can sort of snoop to see if she's sent the nudes or videos to anybody else,

which he sort of deserves as the ex-boyfriend. He could keep an eye on her goings about, et cetera, et cetera. But also he can keep a spy on her. Directly. If this is his like fat material, he logs on to Facebook every time he wants to look at these. I'm surprised he didn't save them already like to his own device. That's just a mistake. He dropped the ball there.

Yeah. Like she was, she chalked up these nudes to like, you know, that's just like, that's lost. That's a lost cause. He's got them already. But now he's like, okay, so here's the thing. The nudes that you thought that I had that you were maybe like going to just have to be okay with, I don't have them, which is like, that's good. Yeah.

So, wow, my ex doesn't have all these nudes. Exactly. That's a good thing. I've dodged a bullet. He's like, no, so actually your ex should really have the nudes. It would be the nice thing to do. It's a bank robber that's like, when I ran out of here with a bag of cash, I like, I think I dropped some. You guys have my wallet and I think I left my phone too.

I went through all the trouble and I actually feel really sad that I didn't get to rob this bank anymore. I miss this bank. I feel like I left my sunglasses. Do you see them anywhere? Holding the bag of money. I want something to remember you by, so I just want the cash. I fap to the cash. So I think the unanimous advice is to not send him.

Whether he fucked up, he's flirting, he's stupid in his own way. You don't deserve, or he doesn't deserve to have the photos. He fucked up. He deserves varying levels of scorn that we've given him from calling him an aggrieved stalker, bad guy, to a hopeless romantic jackass. But none of them are good. None of it's a free pass. None of it deserves the nudes again.

Certainly not. You can send him just a screenshot of a few PG rated text messages just to piss him off. He's just taking his laptop to the genius bar, to the nerd counter at Best Buy. The next question is, hey, so I lost my Facebook password. My girlfriend won't send me back. All the nudes. What should I do? Actually, the next question is kind of horny related.

Do you guys have a guy's name that we can call this hornball? Horny guy's name, Anna? Jimbo. Classic. It's funny how close you are to the actual name, but anyway, good guess. The last one was Eva instead of Effie, and this one is Jimno, and you guessed Jimbo. I can't fucking believe it. Jimbo writes, greetings, nerds.

I'm a bit of a moral dilemma that I think I need your guidance. I was going to say, they're all bullying you guys right out the gate. Thanks for being here and standing up for us, because we usually take that shit. Farting into each other's dicks. Greetings, nerds. I'm in a bit of a moral dilemma, and I think I need your guidance. The other day, I was driving home from work at night, which is approximately 45 minutes, and while driving, I suddenly became horny and wanted to jack off.

I forgot my Facebook password. I decided in that moment to start playing a little five on one. Nice. While driving at 100 kmph. That's dangerous. That's right, 60 miles per hour. Oh my God. Even loading up some porn on my phone to have an occasional glance.

I would be inclined to not do it again, but it was honestly the best orgasm I've ever given myself. I actually screamed and moaned as I came, whereas normally I'm the silent type. So my question is, is this bad? If no one sees me choking the chicken, it won't hurt them, right? Also, have you ever stroked your snake in a weird, unique, dangerous way? That question is wrong. Chimpo. Five on one.

Oh my God. Okay. This guy got road hand. Road hand is a really good episode title, man. Nice. Consider it dumb. Wow. I mean, I think this guy just needs to like, obviously he's into like risk taking.

He should just like choke himself like on land, like not in a car, not behind the wheel of a car. This is the first time, I guess, has come on the show and given the advice to choke yourself while you're jerking off. Auto erotic asphyxiation instead of auto erotic asphyxiation. Oh, wow. Just ejaculation. Wow. Okay. It took some time, but if you wrote that down, that would work.

Do you guys think this is illegal? Yes. 100%. Yes. If you got pulled over doing this, you would get it arrested. What's the law? What do you think the law says? Well, it's illegal to use your phone while you're driving.

So it's definitely illegal to watch porn on your phone. Like that alone. What if you're just J and O? Just masturbating and driving has to be illegal. It's distracted driving. Yeah. Just a station wagon full of kids driving right by, seeing this furiously jerking off guy. Oh, yeah.

Is it public exposure or something? Indecent exposure? Yeah. It's definitely that. That's for sure. For sure. At least. You can't drive without pants on?

Yeah. I mean, you can't be nude in public. So that's your car, I don't think, is private unless the windows are super tinted. In which case you could do whatever the hell you want. You think he used, Jake, you think he used your Gatorade bottle technique? I pee into a Gatorade bottle on it. Oh, okay. So I will whip my dick out on the road.

I've done it on the highway. That's true. That's probably minorly illegal or fully illegal. To pee? Yeah, because you're exposing yourself to the station wagon full of kids. That's true. Yeah. And I do a lot of carpooling.

It was the Uber pool he was driving to. So this guy jerked off into a Soylent bottle, we can assume. I guess I didn't think about what he would jerk off into. I imagine if you've got the gall to do this, he's just J-ing-o onto his pants. I was really fascinated by the detail that he screamed when he came. He screamed. The noise is unloading your car, jerking off. Driving.

I think such an orgasm that you're like, oh! Oh my God! The truck going by. On the Autobahn. Oh, I'm coming! Driving past a family that's visiting the Grand Canyon for the first time. I actually just got a car with Apple CarPlay. So I can put any video on that monitor I want, whether it be porn or Waze.

You put video on that monitor? My car has Apple CarPlay. Yeah, it's just like specifically approved apps, like map software. But I can sort of hack it to go to a road that looks like it tits. That way I can still sort of get off. If you drive near a movie theater, they'll give you an ad on Waze for a Catherine Zeta-Jones flick. Then it's cool. Say no more.

I don't know why the hottest actress I could think of at the moment. Catherine Zeta-Jones. Who's hotter than Zeta? He said if people can't see me jerking, it's no harm done. We're partially upset by this because people clearly could see you. If you got pulled over in the middle of this, it would definitely be a problem. Give the road some respect. You've got some beautiful highways in this country and this is not what they're supposed to be used for.

And this guy also, you could definitely get into an accident. It's 100% dangerous. Oh my God, imagine that's what you're known for. He died with his pants down with porn, paramedics coming and finding your wrecked body. That's a good enough reason not to. Just imagine your dick scraping against the pavement. You'd be thrown through your windshield. The autopsy is just like, why were his pants undone?

Why was his dick out? What's the last thing his phone was doing? Oh, he had loaded up porn home. Yeah, and he ejaculated at the time of death. What is your obituary? At least my best friend died getting road dome. It really would. What a fucking thrill though to be like through the windshield, spinning like about to land on the pavement and coming at the same time.

Oh my God. Could you picture? Inception style. Yeah. Just your orgasm as you're flying through the air. 100 miles per hour. Hyperslomo. Yeah.

All right, don't do it. Don't do this. It's dangerous and weird and amoral. But I'll give, count, you know, you got to give an alternative. So he doesn't, he shouldn't jerk off while he's driving, but maybe pull over. If your thing is just in the car, like, I'm so horny, I have to jerk off right now. Maybe you just pull over and you can watch porn there. It's a little, and I think you could be a little private.

You just have a little towel. I think he was into the danger. You think he was into the car factor or like, you can do it in the car. Just don't be driving. Do it in the driveway. Park it in your garage. It's the car. I think it's the risk.

Right. But there's still a tiny risk. Like, if you're on the side of the road, it's like maybe he's into the voyeuristic public thing. Yeah. Which I think is also a little problematic, but less problematic. Yeah, then it's also illegal. Yeah.

If you're into the illegal aspect, doing it in your car, on the side of the road, in like, sort of like a, you know, he's not like a full on voyeur, like jerking off, looking in other cars. That's, I think that's super bad. Right. But he shouldn't jerk off while he's driving because that's dangerous, but I think he can jerk off on the side of the road if he's into sort of like a spontaneous thing. I imagine you two are the parents scolding a 16 year old boy.

I mean, he can jerk off on the side of the road, Cheryl. I just don't want him to be driving. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You have to do it, Brian. What was this guy's name? Jimbo?

Pull over. That's all we're saying, Jim. Listen, I've had my fair share of jerking off on an airplane, trying to get off, all going through the speed of sound. I mean, we've all been there. Cheryl, what? This is us in the hospital. All right.

We're just happy you're okay, Jimmy. We knew you were going to jerk off in the car. We just want you to be safe about it. That's all. Oh my God. We're a condom. Oh, man. Imagine like fucking an airbag, as it deploys.

That's enough. Break your dick. I'm just describing the movie Crash. I'm trying to scare him straight is what I'm doing. Yeah. What's something else that he could sit in and that would risk his life while jerking off? Maybe.

What about VR? Ooh. I mean, what about VR? So your VR sort of rad racing. Yeah. Mario Kart. NASCAR track. Oh, I always thought we were talking about VR points.

So you're just being like, he should just do a VR racing game and masturbate. That's kind of interesting. Yeah. Yeah. That is interesting. He should do that. So you're racing, but sitting on a flashlight. Yeah.

That works. Yeah. I don't hit that. It checks out. Okay. All right. Let's take a break. Well, thanks to sponsors that are fucking left after this deviant ass half of a podcast

episode. And we'll be back with more questions and answers with Anna after this. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift.

I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah. Not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why.

As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great, really easy way to like stay in touch with your family.

You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma. She was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame.

We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife and you're trying to make a joke of it. Oh, I was just being goofy a little bit like, uh, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah.

Yeah. Kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame.

Holy smokes. And we let her know with an Aura. Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app.

I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something that could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as

your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames. That's A-U-R-A Frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames.

There it is. Oh wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames. A-U-R-A Frames.com.

Okay. Go get your parents something. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. Thank you, Aura.

And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist, is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable to your schedule.

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That's betterhelp.com slash if I were you. Check them out. And we are back. Anna, do you have any? Oh, it's solicited. It's fine. Oh, I'm coming. Gross.

Any advice I would have would be unsolicited because no one has ever asked me for advice. We're asking you. Now it's solicited. I mean, I was talking to you earlier, Jake. I have one, but I'm scared to do it now. I don't want to be a bully and I feel uncomfortable with it. What was it? Should I do it?

Yeah, you should do it. Well, will you edit it out if it sounds too mean or no? It's too late. I'm already keeping it in. I have so many, but I don't know. I always have to go here. It's like the quacker, but okay, ready? You should stop making John Mayer's Instagram personality acceptable.

Stop making that okay for him to do. Me personally? Yeah, you personally. And you. What the hell am I? I don't know. What do I do? I just think, you know what?

He's not funny. Everyone thinks, oh, he's like the voice of the people. He's so hilarious. He's commenting on everything, comments by celebs, enough, enough. It's not funny. You want to take away John Mayer's Instagram presence? I want everyone to be like, John Mayer? You mean like the guy that sings, your body is a wonderland?

Like, why would I care about what he's writing on Instagram, right? I love John Mayer. Oh my God. You're turning on me. No, I can't see. Let's talk about something else. Don't talk on speakerphone in public. Jake loves that too.

What are you talking about? That's also really rude and unacceptable, almost as unacceptable as John Mayer's Instagram Don't talk on speakerphones in public. Yeah. Yeah. That is rude. That's psychotic. Why is that ruder than having a conversation in public on its face?

Because a speakerphone is so loud, you don't want to hear the other side of a conversation. You don't want to hear any side of a conversation, not even the first side, right? Right. Yeah, I would agree with you. So, we're talking too about, I think it's easy to tune out a conversation when it's just one person. It's not easy to tune it out when there's just a back and forth going. And I'm also thinking people on the train or people sitting in a coffee shop or something.

People walking around, I don't necessarily mind. Yeah. I mean, if it's just in passing, I guess, yeah, that's fine. But oh my God, waiting in line at the store, someone in front of you is having a conversation on speakerphone. Are you serious? I feel like, why don't you just start flossing or take out a full-screen television and start watching something on full blast?

Yeah. I think doing anything without headphones on your phone is rude. It's rude. I've been around people just watching a video on their phone. This is insane. You're accosting my space. Yes, exactly. But is it any louder than a conversation?

If two people are talking next to you, why is it worse than if one person is talking on the phone next to you? I don't know, but I just know that it is. I know in my gut that it bothers me more to hear someone talking on speakerphone than to just hear someone. Also, there's ways to talk on the phone that are more discreet and quiet. If I'm in public, I'll be like, hey, yeah, I'm in the supermarket right now. It's unnatural.

It's not what it is. It also shows a lack of giving a shit about the people around you. I think it's not necessarily like the type of conversations or whatever. It's the type of person who thinks that speakerphone conversation in a coffee shop is a normal thing is going to be inclined to have a bad conversation. Exactly. You saying I'm in the supermarket like whatever, you're the kind of person that I would listen to the speakerphone conversation because you're a normal person.

Somebody who's just like, oh yeah, we can talk speakerphone style. That's insane. Yeah. No self-awareness. It's too much for me. What if I'm next to you at a restaurant and I'm full blast listening to John Mayer's Instagram? I'm having a ball obviously because he's the man, quite frankly, and really funny.

You're looking over at me. Are you saying something? You're having a conversation with John Mayer's Instagram? Yeah. I'm talking. He can't respond because it's prerecorded, of course. Why are we even going through that? You're just sitting by yourself talking about how great John Mayer's Instagram is.

All right. Separate question. Are you confronting people about this? Are you the type of lady that says, can you get off your phone? Oh, no. I dream of being that kind of person and I'd like to think of myself as that kind of person, but ultimately I'm a fucking coward. I would never call someone out for fear that they would attack me.

By the way, no one attacked me who's listening to this. Anyone that's listening to this, I can't take bullying. If you think I'm annoying, you think I'm not funny, just turn the other way. Ignore me. I won't be on the next episode. I'm like, just please don't bully me. Please. Please.

Just begging people not to call you out. This is a very funny way to start every podcast. I can't take it. By the way, I know I'm broadcasting myself, but I do have thin skin, so not even a constructive level of criticism. I can't handle it. Don't worry. I won't be here next week.

Anything you say won't have an effect going forward. I'm gone. Look at the motivation. Everything you say can and will be used against me and my psyche. I can't handle it. Please. Stop enough. Yeah.

Definitely the most sensitive, weakest person you've probably ever had on your podcast. You don't come across as sensitive or weak. You come across as ... I just start crying. You're strong in your resolve, or at the very least, that's the persona you put out there. You're confident in your weakness, which is interesting. Oh, God. Thank you so much. Jake, did you have any unsolicited you want to talk about, or is that pretty good?

That's pretty solid. We've got three pieces of advice here. We have Newt or John Mayer's Instagram. Don't have speakerphone conversations and leave on it alone. We got a question from a croc thief. I know Jake loves his crocs, so this one probably really rang true for him. This one speaks to me. I don't know if you have crocs at your house, but I've got office crocs here.

I think that was actually unsolicited advice for me a few weeks ago. Get yourself some office crocs. To have crocs. I've got House Oofos. What are those? They are recovery sandals. Oh, right. Oh, yeah.

Your feet. That's right. I'm wearing a shoe. The boot is gone. The boot's gone. Cool. Yeah. How is your foot nowadays?

I'll tell you one quick, sweet little anecdote about my foot. Part of my cut was a little sensitive and tender and hard to the touch, and I was like, I wonder if this is where the screw is because it was so sensitive, and then I squeezed it and a huge ball of pus popped out. Oh, my God. It was awesome. Wow. It's so much more satisfying than is it because it's thicker, pusier, and is not going to

be a blemish on my face anymore. Exactly. It was awesome. You could really go for something like that. Yeah. It was so great. It was great. Wow.

Fine. That's awesome. Yeah. I didn't know there was a screw in there. There's a screw in my toe. Yeah. Two of them, I think. I wouldn't have taken you for a croc, man.

Yeah. Well, I'm surprising in a lot of ways. I'm a major croc head. Wow. I'm a croc fiend. I love this shit. It's because my feet hurt or used to. Now my feet feel great.

Maybe I'll get rid of the pus screw. I really do. I don't like crocs per se. I love comfort. Yeah. I love feeling completely comfortable. I feel that. Don't let Anna bully you.

You can say what you really think about crocs. Okay. Crocs also look cool. No, they do not. I feel like... All right, everyone. Get Anna. Out of run, Instagram.

You hurt her. Bully her. She must be bullied. I know. I'm slowly realizing. It's like, wait, now they're just going to bully me more. Well, no, now we've called for it in a weird way. So if they say anything mean, you will know, like, oh, they did exactly what I wanted them

to. Right. It's all about the mental gymnastics that we do on ourselves to protect our ego. Yeah. Yeah. A Jedi mind trick. All right. We need a name of someone that could be either a lady or a dude because I'm not really sure.

Cool. Unisex. Alistair. Alistair. It seems like such a guy's name. Oh. No, because it's Alice. Yeah.

Oh. Oh, Alistair. Yeah. So you're like, wait, why did you say it? It's too late. They're gone already. Okay. I'm a 25...

I should have read literally the first five words of this question, which is, I'm a 24-year-old girl from Canada. I need your help. Alistair, right? I'm currently in my master's at university and I'm living with my cousin and his friend. I'm in the same house that I lived in, my undergrad. One of my friends from university left his pair of custom crocs at my house two years ago.

Custom. And my cousin's friend, let's call him Tyler, moved in shortly thereafter. Since he moved in, he started wearing my friend's crocs around the house. I asked him about a year ago if the crocs were his and he said yes, even though they're not. A couple weeks ago, my friend came over, saw his crocs. They're very distinct. They have a different color back and an NHL team logo on them, of course, and took them

home when he left. The next week, my roommate Tyler sent me a message asking where his crocs were. When I said I didn't know, he said that they are his dad's crocs and that he has the sentimental value attached to them. Then he basically accused me of stealing them because there are only three of us in the house and I'm the only one who thinks he would take, who he thinks would take them. I don't know how to deal with this. I feel so awkward being at home because he wants me to just give back his crocs.

Do I explain how they aren't his? Do I offer to replace them? Do I offer to replace my friend's crocs and give Tyler back these? This is such a strange situation that I got placed in the middle of help. Oh my God. I'll tell you, I have one, I have a piece of advice just in general that this conversation reminds me of that any time you want to help someone come clean by asking a question, are those your crocs?

Just don't because then they will lie and then it gets you deeper and then you intended. If you're like, I know these aren't your crocs, there's a better way because they'll disappoint you. If you're like, are those your crocs, they won't be like, oh no, I found them. They'll just say yes. At this point, you have to lean into the lie because what are you going to say? Oh, no, they're not mine. I just took them.

Yeah. But how can you have sentimental value attached to crocs that were not his? I know. Was your father like fucking Mario Batale like, I don't understand, how can you have sentimental crocs? It was, yeah, it's actually Mario Batale's daughter writing. I could see that. Also, for him to accuse you, you could just be like, I feel like you can extract yourself

from this situation by just being like, I don't like to tell you, I didn't take the crocs. Yeah. And that's it. And also just really express how ridiculous and disinterested you are the entire thing. Be like, are you serious? Like you're accusing me of taking your crocs? Double down at that point.

That's true. You can lash out. Yeah. If you guys were in this exact situation, what would you do? Get new roommates. I would. You would move out. Yeah.

I would just be like, hey, starting a text thread between you guys, so and so, these, you say these were your crocs. So you say they belong to your dad, sort it out, and then I would leave the text thread. Oh, OK. That's grown up. I like that. Yeah. I don't think you can leave a text thread with only three people.

I think, oh, really? Jeff Rosenberg started a huge group chat text message thread for his birthday with like 17 numbers I didn't know, and then left. So I think it was one of the most egregiously obnoxious things you could. I hate a group thread that's like an invite where you like don't know everybody. Right. Insane. No one should do that.

No, I totally agree. Then you're getting all the other responses for just the numbers you don't know. Oh, it's awful. It's so bad. But then you can leave it as well. Yeah. As long as there's more than two people left. Then I don't want to go to dinner with like 12 people who I just like, oh, yeah, you're

the guy that left the thread, right? Yeah, that's right. I'm Mario Batali's son. I think on his instinct to be like above the fray on this is like so right. Like you're not think of where you are. You're like you're in this like whirlwind of like who's crocs or who's. Yeah. Getting accused of stealing crocs.

Yeah. You could totally just be like, hey, I don't care. You guys are children. Yeah. You guys are insane. Yeah. You're arguing over crocs. Exactly.

I'm going to like, I'll throw out all the information I know. Have at it. Yeah. Don't involve me in this shit. Yeah. People have real problems. Like I have other things to do with my day than like fight about these crocs with you. That's a good thing.

You start the text thread and then you're like also here's some charities that you guys consider giving to you at this much time. I guess you learn something new every day. People have the sentimental crocs. That never belonged to you to begin with. Yeah. What point did these crocs after a year take on so much sentimental value that they were like at first found crocs, then they're my crocs and then actually they're their family

heirloom crocs. Yeah. What? These are legacy crocs that were handed to me by my father. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. You rarely hear things that are that have sentimental value to two people that don't know each other.

Yeah. Also, it's weird that they both care so much about them. Like hypothetically, if I had a pair of like little shitty plastic sandals and then one of my... You're talking about crocs. That's what they are. And then one of my roommates or whatever like stole them out just be like and then like went so far as to be willing to lie and be like, these are my dad's like these are important

to me. It's like he clearly needs these more than more than I. Right. That's true. I did, I lost a pair of crocs once and a pair of crocs of mine were stolen from me. Okay. Yeah. And it does, it hurts.

It's staked. You wrote this question. I brought a pair of crocs to the beach and I went back and I, you know, like you leave your shoes by the boardwalk and I went back and they were gone. Also, what the hell is a custom croc? Like, did it have like clips on it? Like you put little clips in the holes. They describe the custom crocs, right?

It wasn't custom as like made specifically for this person. It was just like, there was like an NHL team on them or something. Oh, okay. So not necessarily custom, but like. Were yours custom? No, they were just navy blue. Oh. Now I've got the beige outside and those are real.

Oh, the beige. Give me a grayish croc. What croc? Half gray, half beige, all croc. What colorway are those crocs? Those are must crocs. You wanted them to blend with the leg? It's a must croc.

Combined with the leg, a hairy pale beige croc. That would be a cool fucking custom croc. Nude crocs that have like toenails painted on, but it looks like your foot. Wow. Caveman crocs. Get me a pair. Save it for twinnovation. That's actually true.

You could do like hobbit crocs, Frodo style crocs with a little fur on the top. Yeah. Bring back crocs. Like, crocs deserve another moment. I think Jake is desperately trying to. That is true. They're clogs. They're like wooden clogs that are plastic.

That are plastic, but they're very lightweight. I implore you to try on my crocs. Could you run in them? If you had to. Wow. They have the strap, which is really nice. You could slip into them just like slippers, but then if you're going to go on a distance, you fold back the.

You activate them. Yeah. You fold back the strap. I don't think you could haul ass, but you could jog. You could catch a. You wouldn't want to, but you could catch a train or something in them. Okay. I tend to not want to go outside in my crocs.

I don't have my crocs are for inside. Okay. They're like indoor sandals. Yeah. If you're running in your crocs, something went terrible, sprinting in a croc. Yeah. Well, you're running away from somebody who thinks those crocs belong to them. Get back here with my father's crocs.

Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. When would you ever be running in crocs? To protect them. To protect the crocs. We must protect the croc. All right.

Anna, we talked a little bit about Twinnovation, but why don't you give us a heart sell? What do you have to promote? It can be this podcast, but it doesn't have to be. Oh, wow. Well, Twinnovation is all I have. So I definitely am going to go with promoting Twinnovation. By a fluke, I ended up as a member of Twinnovation. It's a podcast that I do with my fiance, David, and his brother.

I want to say Jim Rosenberg. Jimbo. Jimbo. Yeah. Jimbo. John Rosenberg. It's three of us. We talk about inventions.

And schemes. Don't forget the schemes. We have schemes. We have dreams. We argue. We bicker. We go off course. It's a whole lot of fun.

It's a blast. Twinnovation's been one of our favorite shows for a long time, and I'm glad that it has new blood and it's got a new lease on life. Thank you, Dave. People should definitely give it a chance if they used to listen. They should come back. Yes. Absolutely.

Oh, yeah. We've got a lot going on over there. And where can people find you on Soche? Anna Nicolich. That's A-N-A Nicolich on Instagram. But we might go just Anna. We might just go A-N-A. We'll see if anyone has that.

That's cool. Someone had it as a completely empty account with no posts on it for the longest time. Where is it now? I think someone actually snatched it up. Damn. Damn is right. I really want, Amir has Amir, and I really want At Jake, but the guy that has At Jake does some shit.

Really? Yeah. He's active. That's amazing that you have just Amir. Yeah, thank you. I was, how do you feel about that? It was exciting at the time, and it's only aged gracefully, the fact that it's me to have it that way is not only a highlight of my life, it's actually a highlight of yours.

It is. It's something to aspire to. In actuality, it was like a friend of mine who worked at Facebook that's like, you know, I could probably give you this account name because the guy who's using it is like, has stopped using it years ago, so it's legally back into our possession. Whoa. That's so cool. I stole it.

That's amazing. All right. The opening theme song was written by Jacob LeGrand. This closing one wants to be anonymous, so thank you, anonymous blues writing man. That's cool. Very cool. If you have your own questions or theme songs, send them all down to IfIWereYouShowAtGmail.com. We got more stuff on our Patreon, more IfIWereYou episodes, more Jake and Amir watch episodes.

We just posted this week, my speech at Jake's wedding. Anna, have you seen that? Anna was there. Yes, I saw it live, and I did see you talking about that. That was an amazing speech. Yeah. Thankfully, Mars, a super producer, Marissa, recorded it without our permission, and then we're like, this is great.

Subtitle it for us, please. Yeah. I can sell the greatest day of my life, I think. I think you can give me one thing. We have new episodes with Finn Wolfhard coming out there this week or next. That's right. Whoa. Thank you, thanks.

Stuff at Patreon.com slash J.A. Anna, thank you again for coming by. Thank you. This was amazing. You were amazing. Wow. That's the nicest thing he's said to anyone, not even a guess. Just anyone.

Sorry, I'm stirring up John Mayer's Instagram, but you were amazing. I'm DMing John Mayer telling him he said he sucks. But he'll finally come on our podcast and defend himself now. We'll be back next week. Bye, everybody. See you. Bye. Hey, you got the blue, yeah, those watery eyes, well, if I were you, here's my last

ditch at nice, you know this won't help, it'll only make it worse, but Starbucks is close and I've prearranged her, so you do you, if I were you, show at gmail.com.