If I Were You - 421: Thick Chicken (w/Geoff and Reilly!)

Episode Date: February 10, 2020

Newest Headgum podcasters Geoffrey James and Reilly Anspaugh are in the studio to discuss Twitter names, career advice, and eating food like an adult.And for more, check out Geoff and Reilly's new podcast Review Revue on Headgum!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. I'll say, would you get a second opinion? Do you know of any of the five shows? Cause there's this one that I know. And I said, what about the if I were you show? She said, I think I remember those truths and is I recall? I think the kick guy is real hot. And I said, well that a mere guy seems nice.

That's the nicest thing anyone's never said about me. Yeah, a lot of them usually are like consulting to you. Right. Complimentary to Jay. And that one is just sort of neutral about me. He seems nice. Haven't met him and don't care too, but he seems fine. He can assume I'm nice.

That was Luke Karawana, pronounced like marijuana, but with a CA instead. That's really cool. That was neutral milk hotel to you. And he is from Australia. And he does want to give a shout out to his brother, Justin, that Koi boy. Oh, Justin. So thanks, Luke. And thanks, Jeff and Riley for coming in today.

When Jake did not. That's right. Took two bodies to replace one. That's a Riley's clapping. Jeff is sort of pissed. We made like this is what the plan has been from the beginning. Well, yeah. No?

Well, it was an eventual takeover. So we got one down. One down by the end of this, you should be out of the room by the way. Yeah. I don't think so. I'm sort of guiding the conversation along. Right. Usually Jake's here, but he's in New York right now.

I figured since he can't make it, I should replace him not with one person, but with two. So that's why Jeff and Riley are here. We're sort of both equal to half a Jake. Yeah. That's that's fair. And this is the second only the second episode ever without Jake and I both on it. What's the other one? Really?

It was when Jake, I think was sick or traveling and I went to Ben's house and recorded him there. And then I was ill under the weather and Ben was kind of mad at me the entire time. This isn't the second episode without one of you on it. Yeah. I'm hoping the next one will be him with some people in New York and then I won't be on it. Just so you can have a week off.

Yeah. I can take a week off. That's crazy. Wait. And how many years have you guys been doing this? Almost six. Jesus. Yeah.

I'm kind of like sad. Yeah. No, it's like probably more sad than impressive. I've never had like one thing to do. Right. Yeah. All this time you've been the man who's here. Like I've never been busy for two weeks straight.

Yeah. That's fucked. Can I ask you something? Yeah. I mean, don't cut this even if you're uncomfortable with the question. Yeah. I'm already like sad. Ad wise.

How much money do you make per episode? Oh God. I don't feel comfortable answering that. But like, yeah, we have some advertising. That's fine. But we're on air. I know that's why I don't feel. Thankfully, shout out to Gumball.

We have advertisers and it's good to monetize your art as much as possible. Yeah. Totally. So how much? I mean, because I've done the math on the Patreon, you're making over $100,000, no? Yeah. No, we make $211,000 a month. Right, right, right.

So close to two and a half million a year. Two and a half million a year. That's a lot of money. Yeah. I guess. Yeah. I mean, that paid for the place in Bel Air and the place in San Diego. Yeah.

You don't need both, by the way. You really don't need both. Yeah. Just a summer. Summer in San Diego. What do you do in San Diego in your summer? Zoo. Zoo.

Beach. Beach. You're just saying what she says. What do you actually do? The zoo is actually a beach. And vice versa. No. I'll tell you why.

The beach is a zoo in the summer. Let me tell you. In San Diego? Yeah. There's flamingos everywhere and a caged walrus for no reason. Well, thank you guys for coming on the show. I appreciate it. I'm sure Jake does too.

I would like to hear from him. Maybe we can call him in the second half or something. Check in on what he's doing with this hour, hour and a half while we're in here. Thank you for having us. This is the first time I've been on for a real full length episode where the first time I was on was with all the interns and I got a little snippet. And then I was on a Patreon one. That's right.

This is first time full app. No, Jake. I'm here to stay. Jake is gone forever and Jeff and I are taking over the show forever. That's really cool. That's really cool. Yeah. That's awesome, actually.

That actually makes more sense than me and Jake hosting the show. It's just like me, Jeff, Riley, suddenly I'm not here. Jeff and Riley are hosting the show. We're hosting two shows. I still pocket the cash in terms of, oh, that's right. This is your first show as a headgump podcasting duo. Yeah. Yeah.

Why are you mad about that? No, I'm not mad about it. It's just like fucking hell yeah, actually. Fucking hell yeah. Because the issue is, and now you were talking about this right before, is that we haven't gotten any ads. Yeah. That's why I asked earlier.

You've had a podcast for nine days. Yeah. These things take time. I've had one for six years, I'm telling you, and I make what, 290, 350 grand a month. A lot of money. Yeah. That's close to four million a year. Yeah.

That way I have the place in Bel Air, the place in San Diego, and the place in Pebble Beach. Pebble Beach. That's in San Diego. No, it's not. No, it's in North Cal. Northern Cal. That is, that's actually a timeshare, because as I said earlier, I'm only making 412,000. Well, it's only almost four million a year.

Yeah. And that's what the other two properties. Why don't you invest? Why don't you? I don't need to invest. I need to outvest. That's right. I wear more vests than my competition.

Everyone else combined. What do you mean competition? You two. You two are my enemies, mortal and immortal. Well, thank you for having us on. What is your podcast? You guys could talk about it a little bit. Mefrey.

It's called Review Review. We take reviews from the farthest reaches of the internet. Yelp, TripAdvisor, Google reviews, Amazon reviews, product reviews. What have yous. And we do improv on the Bish. Nice. And talk about our own experiences. Yeah.

From time to time. I mean, I don't like to share too much information, but yeah. Would you say your life is an open book? Yeah. You can ask me anything. Okay. What's your phone number? 440.

That was in no delay. Next. Last time you cried. Let me think about this for a second. Oh. Last Sunday. When Cully Ryan died. That's nice.

So you say you don't like to open up, but you just not only gave your personal information. Because it's not on review review. I said on review review, I only gave you personal information. But this was your phone number. What's the first time you cried? The first time I cried? Probably the day I was born, right? I don't fucking know.

I don't fucking know. I wasn't there. I was in fifth grade. I can't take the day off learning about geography. Why the fuck would I be at your birth when I was in social studies? Yeah. I'm learning about explorers of California and the El Camino Real. You can take a day off by the way.

That's not, the stakes are low in fifth grade. Sorry, I gotta go to Cleveland to see this fucking baby be born. Yeah, I think he was in Mayfield Heights. I don't think so. Crying. That doesn't make sense. So that's review review. This is If I Were You, the only advice show on the web hosted by me, Jeff and Riley.

Thanks so much for listening. Got some real questions here from real people. Gonna give them fake names you guys can alternate just to preserve their anonymity. What's a good one to start off with? This one is interesting. This one's very apropos, actually. Jeff, do you have a fake man's name? Evanescent.

Sorry. Now is it? Evanescent. Evanescent's Jordache. Evanescent's Jordache? No, it's like the pop punk band Evanescence. Jordache. He's a Jordan, but he has kind of a tooth or earache.

Okay. Evanescent's Jordache writes, dear guys and possibly a guest. I'm in the market to change my Twitter username. Since Amir recently did the old switch up, I'd like some advice in this field. If you guys could give any of your sweet suggestions, that'd be more than fine. It'll be okay. Should I go hobby, job, a pun? I would prefer not to go with my name since it's really long and hard to spell out, evidently.

Evanescent's Jordache. Evanescent's Jordache. All the best, Evanescence. Jordache. All right. Twitter user names, what's yours? Mine, I'm really, really proud of is Riley Coyote. Pun.

R-E-I-L-E Coyote. So you want pun? I went pun. I went reference. That's cool. I went, I love Looney Tunes character. I love cartoons, so I went with that. Jeffrey, what's yours?

Yeah. Don't play no James. Another pun. Yeah. Two right there, right off the bat. We love pun. Yeah. What would like, what would I guess a job Twitter name be if you're not representing the company?

Like if I, I work for head gum, but I'm not going to put like head gum as my Twitter name. That's right. So then. You could be editorial asked. Editorial asked. ASST. No, I know. Okay.

But I mean, that could be for anywhere. I feel like not job. Unless it's like. Does he say what his job is? A play on like. He doesn't say his job. If he's, maybe not the, I guess that I'm thinking of the company name, but if he was like a welder, it could be like some sort of weld.

I'm just going for pun. You could be, you could do a welder pun. Yeah. Like principal welding or something like that. Yeah. That could even be good regardless. Like principal welding. Like instead of principal building from say by the bell, his, his screen name, because

he's a welder should be principal welding. Actually, Evanescence Jordi is probably a veil. That's a veil. If you want to go the, the inside joke route. Is that all he asks? Or did he cut you off? Uh, I think that's it. Yeah.

He wants to know if you should do job pun name based paste. What made you do the old switcheroo? What is it now? Just. Blumenfeld. Just Blumenfeld. Unverified. Unverified.

Don't laugh. Don't actually laugh. Don't actually laugh. That's really fucked up. That's really fucked up. Do you, do you? Sorry. Stop.

Talking about the last time I cried. It's right fucking now. It's right fucking now. I'm sorry. Do you lose the check when you change your name? Is that what happened? Evidently. I was, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

I just was like. Jordi. No, I know. Because you have just 130. My Jordi. My Jordi. Your Jordi. My Jordi.

Prayer. What's your Jordi? Your heart. I have a Jordi. I'm going to school. I have a pounding Jordi. No, like my Jordi hurts like really bad today. You don't even get it.

My Jordi is killing me. Evanescence. Yeah. Pascal Siakam's not playing tonight. Because he has Jordic like symptoms. So the flu. Never mind. Wait, so what made you, what made you do the old switcheroo?

Well, I always found it a little confusing that when like somebody would reference me, it would have to say my old name, which is at Jake and Amir. It's like, oh, I had at Jake and Amir over today and it's like, oh, both of them. No, it's actually just Amir, but his screen name is this. Then Jake and Amir, you know, ended five years ago. So I've always been in the market for a new name. Blumenfeld specifically became available because my brother changed his last name, relinquished his Twitter name, which was Bluenfeld.

I sniped it, switched it up. He changed his, I changed mine to his, and then Jake and Amir just became like a forwarding dummy name. So now my name is just at Blumenfeld. Cleaner, my last name. And people can write it. Oh, I had Amir at Blumenfeld on the show, whatever. Not really a pun, not really a job and not really a hobby. And he said didn't want his name.

Didn't want his name. So don't do what I do, but don't play no James is not bad actually. Well, the problem is I don't, we don't know his name because I would recommend a pun based name like Riley Coyote, don't play no James. Have you thought about changing either of yours or you guys like yours? I will keep Riley Coyote until the end of time. I do feel weird though, like, because I have business cards that I hand out. And so like everything, like my Instagram, my website is all like Riley Anspaugh.

And then you get to Twitter and it's just Riley Coyote. And then I suddenly feel like an infant when I hand it out. If I could change mine to just at Jeffrey James or at Jeffrey or at anything resembling that, I would. But why don't you? Because it's not a pun. You're not even verified. You can do it. You're not verified either.

You fucking idiot. Jeff isn't verified. You can change it if you want. I changed mine and I lost it. I had that shit. Yeah. I had the check and I blew it. I'm a has been.

You're a never was. Yeah. That's worse. That's really good. I don't have the followers. Oh. Right? Sorry to hear that.

So you can change it and you won't lose anything. Yeah. Yeah, I think I can. All right. I'm just fucking. Let me fucking. What a rush. Love that.

I haven't been choked out on an Epsom's early odds. This is a question that made me low. So we need a fake man's name. Riley. Gouch. What's gouch? Is that a portmanteau? It's like couch but like guh.

Yeah, I see. I thought it was like couch. No. No. There's nothing behind it. It's couch with guh. Gouch. Couch with a little guh behind it.

Yeah. I'm a 23 year old male for Michigan rights. Gouch. And I've been in a bit of a bind throughout pretty much my whole relationship. Hope you can help me out of it. I'll get right into it. My girlfriend and I have been dating for just under two years and things are great. And I'm really into her.

The one thing that has me drive has been driving me crazy is how loud she chews. She has great manners, super polite, respectable, always takes care of her appearance. Which confuses me even more as to how she doesn't realize how disrespectful it is when she has food in her mouth. It's not every time she eats food, but if we're eating something heavier. If we're eating something heavier. Like a warm, like a warm. If we're eating something heavier, like a warm bread, a pasta, or rich, or rich, thick

chicken, or rich, thick chicken. I can't help but hear the sounds of her mouth open between every bite. It's not a sloppy wet smack where you can see inside the hole, but more of a popping and chomping of her lips opening between each chew. Try pressing your lips together and then opening really fast into the mic multiple times. Almost like a kissy noise. Oh, that's foul. That's the sound.

It's gross and annoying, and it's all I notice when we go out to eat, which is a lot. It took me months to gain the courage to call her out once, and she just said, it's just because I'm really hungry. Why would you even say that to me? And it ruined our dinner. The only other time she was called out was by her sister, and my girlfriend just looked at her and mocked her chewing as loud as she could. What would you do if you were me?

Is there a polite way to ask her to shut her damn trap? Or should I just dump and change? I've tried eating loud myself, but that doesn't work either. Please help me out. Thanks. Love. Gouch. Really quick.

Jordak's Twitter handle should be rich thick chicken. Oh, that's good. I like that a lot. Rich thick chicken. Or just like thicken, rich thicken. Why are you at thicken, by the way? What's rich about chicken? How can it be?

I've only heard richness in terms of like, yeah. It has to be a chicken tikka masala or like, yeah, cocoa bomb. What does rich mean, really? I always thought of it as like, chocolatey or like decadent. But like, rich can also be fat, right? Indulgent. Yeah, like a short rib is like a really rich taste. Yeah, fatty.

That's why I like it. Fatty and like, rich. I get saucy. A warm bread. Like a thick chicken. Can I get the rich thick chicken and some warm bread, please? Get a pasta. Just any rich thick chicken, please.

That'll be great. Warm bread. So what can you do and why? Can you imagine telling someone to not eat like that twice? Once it ruined the meal and twice for fun? Do you even like bring it up again or do you just have to grin and bear it? One of my good friends, like my childhood best friend. Oh, rich?

Rich, Mr. Thick Chicken. Rich tea chicken. She used to like smack really loud when she ate. So I get it and she still does it. And so it's like, she knows that she does it, which is unlike this lady who kind of, I don't think, from what it sounds like, doesn't think like she gets it. Yeah. But we would tell her and be like, hey man, love you so much.

You've got to stop it. Do you guys eat poorly? I'm a pretty sloppy eater myself. So I sort of sympathize with the lady in this. When you eat sandwiches, it's hard to eat while you're eating. Yeah. I didn't mean for you to say that. I was talking about like, do you eat sloppily?

If you know you eat sloppily, like would you, like have you ever wanted to change yourself or is it just a thing you're like, this is who I am. I can't do anything about it. That's a good question. When I'm by myself, all bets are off. I'm just, it is loud. It is sloppy. I'm shoveling.

And then when I'm with others, I'm like, I usually think before the food comes, I'm like, I should eat this slowly and appropriately, use a fork and a knife if possible. Too slow. And then the food comes and I like go into some sort of like werewolf-esque zombie haze and I like wake up from like, wow, I've been staring at like my plate for 15 minutes and I just look up for the first time in a while. Sometimes horrified because I'm like, maybe I was loud. I lost consciousness.

I was so into the food that I like forgot about politeness manners and any of that stuff. So maybe that's her thing because she actually uses that excuse. She says, I'm hungry, which means like get out of my way. I'm hungry. Do you guys eat differently when you're trying to be polite versus just at home by yourself? I don't think so. You think you're just, if like you're with your girlfriend's family, you're eating just like slowly and quietly as you would at home by yourself watching TV.

Yeah. Well, some people complain I'm a slow eater, which I feel like I started doing when I was young because I heard something that was like, oh, you need to really chew your food. So I feel like I don't have to just- You liquefy it. What'd you say? You liquefy your food. Well, yeah, but that's before I eat it.

So every, I mean, what I've been doing recently is putting it in a NutriBullet. Okay. You're like really chew it. So then you just make it a smoothie. Yeah. It's a paste. It's a milkshake. Where like the liquid is all just your drool or something.

A little bit because I need to like make it a little bit more slick because I don't want to put ice in it. You're talking about rich, thick, slick chicken? Rich, thick, slick chicken sounds like a Vegas mob boss in the 50s. Rich, slick, thicken. If you're going to have a half chicken, you're going to be eating it. And as you're chewing, there's some saliva in there naturally. Make it a rich, thick, slick half chicken.

Exactly. It's going to be that, a rich, thick, slick chicken, no matter how you eat it. So I put the half chicken bones and all in a NutriBullet and then spittin' it. Suddenly I'm pulsing. I think I was telling you the other day that like, it's hard for me to eat salad where the leaves are really big because I feel like the dressing gets all over. Yeah, you texted me that out of nowhere. A chopped salad is ideal.

You could sort of scoop it into your mouth like cereal, very small, chopped up, lettuce-y bites. With a spoon. With leaves. And it's just like, you know, a classy salad is like giant uncut leaves that are like drenched in some sort of vinaigrette. How are you supposed to shove that into your mouth without getting- You cut it.

You cut it, right? Cut the salad. You cut the salad. Didn't think about that actually. Didn't you say that your solution was to lubricate it with more balsamic? Yeah, and just sort of slurp it up like noodles. But yeah, I guess just fork it a knife to the leaves then. Yeah.

That doesn't seem right either. Why don't- why doesn't he present it in a different way? Like, hey, I was actually reading that you need to really chew your food before you swallow it or something and that the best way to do that is mouth closed, only chewing. Okay. Like give her a technique that you found somewhere. I see, so it's like, oh, I heard about this new thing. It's kind of like meditation, but you actually just keep your mouth shut when you eat.

Shut your trap. How did he bring it up the first couple of times? He said that- he didn't say how, but he did say that he brought it up and it ruined dinner. Because I feel- maybe you know what? It might be better to do it when it's not in the middle of happening. Yeah. Because I feel like she's going to get like defensive and there's going to be like shame with that.

Whereas like if it's in a neutral place when there's no eating happening, maybe drinking's happening. Yeah. Something when you're not chewing, just being like, hey, like, I don't know. I'm always about like just open communication like, hey, I love you. Maybe you don't. Maybe, I don't know if you've used that word. Yeah, that's true.

I don't know. I don't want to speak, but it's like- It's almost two years. I like you a lot. You should break up. But just be like, hey, like, I really can't do you smacking those lips. Because I still want to be smacking that ass. If you're still smacking those lips-

That's good. Yeah, smacking and smacking. You need to shut your rich, thick trap. Smacking and snacking. Think about that for a second. What do you mean, think about that for a second? To be snacking and smacking. Yeah, rhymes.

Yeah, that's interesting as all. It's interesting as a rhyme. Not everything has to be a groundbreaking revelation. All right. Snacking and smacking. So what, just the idea of that, or that sentence, or are you putting it on a shirt? It's not even a sentence, it's not even a shirt. It's a phrase.

It's just snacking and smacking. Snacking and smacking. That's it. Use it, don't use it. It's not even up to me. Don't use it. Okay. All right, that's fine too.

Eating a rich, thick chicken well, snacking data. Just imagine it, and that's a Sunday. That's good, yeah. A spice rub on my tiny nub. Yeah. I don't know if I already mentioned that. No, that is. A chicken dick of masala.

So it's like your peen in an Indian cuisine. Come on. And did I mention yogurt on the side? And if you're feeling anal, it's a ton backdory style. That's really good. That's really good. So yeah, basically say all of that to her. Hit her with ton backdory style.

Bring it up, not during a meal casually, still in a loving way. Offer a different technique. Offer chew your food until it's liquid and then take another bite. Maybe you can sacrifice something of yourself. Be like, you know what? I won't fart in front of you if you do this. Relationships are about compromise. It's about compromise.

You're negotiating technique. I just want to talk about it for a little bit. You said it's kind of like meditation, but you keep your fucking gum shot or whatever. Is that how you negotiate with other things? Yeah, I sort of like threaten and then back up and promise not to fart in front of you. So when you were buying your house, how did that go? I made an offer below asking. And they say, we have multiple offers above asking.

And I say, okay, can I counter? And they said, sure, how much? And I said, same price, but I won't fart in front of you. So I did. I'm not getting the house. Because they basically never see me. So it doesn't matter. You should adjust your leverage to who you're talking to.

Right, exactly. For me to not fart in front of them is definitely not worth the millions of dollars. You're never going to see them again. No, that's why I ended up getting close to half a million bucks for the Patreon per month. And with that money, I got the Pebble Beach, the Bel Air, the San Diego House, and then something in a veil. Something. Like a little... Wait, so you didn't get it.

You said to no avail. To no avail is to love it. I got a three bedroom townhouse timeshare. To no avail. To avail. To no avail and veil. Do you know Noah? Mr. Veil?

Yeah, my friend and Veil, yeah. So he loves it and he's there all the time, ski and ski out, and I can't get enough of the place. But to no avail, he loves the place. Is it a veil? It's not a veil. It's on a veil. In veil. In veil with Noah.

But to no avail. Veil. Veil. Yeah. And to no a no avail. To no a no avail is to no God. Was he put on on a veil? Was he available for audition?

He was a veil. Okay. Noah Veil was a veil. Yeah, he was on a veil basically. Yeah. So just to recap, your real estate portfolio. Yeah. It's Bel Air Los Angeles.

Pebble Beach. And then I went in on a place to no avail. With no avail. With no avail. With Pebble Beach as a timeshare. Yes. What's in San Diego? Where in San Diego?

It's a condo. Duplex. Triplex actually if you count the third property. So it is a triple. You always count it. So if you count the third, then it is. Yeah. Which it is.

Three town homes. How many units though? Six. So it's not, yeah, so it's a building. Yeah, it's a building. Six units. Two units per unit. So if you count all the units.

12 units. Yeah, 12 units. 12 sorts. If you count all the units. Which you should. You should. For accounting purposes. Right, right, right.

Let's take a break. We'll come back. Answer some more questions about my homes after this. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct.

I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why.

As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to like stay in touch with your family.

You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo. Yeah. Frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the Aura Frame.

We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah.

Kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes.

And we let her know with an Aura. Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something.

That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as

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Okay. Go get your parents something, all right? And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional

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Jeff and O'Reilly, do you have any thoughts or in terms of having unsolicited advice, right? Not so much the little mom I'm coming. I was going to say the guitar riff part, but yeah, the mom I'm coming part is not ideal either. You were saying? You have every power to change it. You play it every time.

And I like it to have it that way. He like having you yelling mom I'm coming in your podcast if people listen to every week. As a goof. As an absolute goof. At this point, it's an institution on this podcast. It's a segment. Yeah.

And now I can't get rid of it. You can change the theme song. You can. We're pot committed. Pot committed? That's a sunk cost. It's not gambling. It's baked.

It's baked in there. Unless you're really betting on yourself that it becomes. It's absolute. A cult classic. Yeah. It is a cult classic. And it is a baked deal. And it's a baked potato.

What's your unsolicited? Hair test. Huh? Get a hair test. What's a test of hair? What is that? I uh. I'm talking about this lately.

Well, people have been asking. Okay. I got a hair test, right? So basically. No. Don't say right like I brought it up. No. You get a little snippet.

Okay. And there you're off to the races. What? Stop telling us 2% of the thing at a time. Just tell the whole story. What do we test? Is it allergies? Is it?

I've been working. You're moving backwards. I've been toying with the idea of getting a hair test. So you have it. Oh. Right. What is it? You get a sliver of hair.

Maybe you're on, you know, a radius of a dime. Okay. Maybe or otherwise. That's a lot of hair, by the way. But continue. Uh-huh. And so what you'll do. The thickness of a dime.

Sorry. Did I? Right? Yeah. Did I step on your toes when you said unsolicited advice? When you said ma'am, I'm coming? I don't remember. But go.

You should have baited him. When your hair is long. Right before you're going to get a haircut. Yes. Snip it. The hair. Okay. Dime radius.

I fucking get the radius. What do they test? And what coin it's a stick has. They test for vitamin and mineral deficiency. What are you deficient in? Calcium. What is that? Can't you just do a blood test?

So you need more milk. You need more milk. She loves milk. Baby. You drink milk? Give me that two percent. Sorry, not two percent. I just thought of two percent because you were talking about fucking hair.

Give me that non-fat milk. What is that? What are you drinking? A glass of it? A glass of non-fat? It's so watery. Oh, yeah. Or a mug.

Or a mug. Or a frothy as it may be. Straight from the carton. What are you eating before or after that milk? You know what's really good? No. Okay. Here's my unsolicited advice.

I already disagree with you. One of the best snacks in the world for those who are blessed to not be lactose intolerant. Or even if you're too blessed to be stressed. Or even if you're too blessed to be stressed. A handful of... Choc. No. Chocolate chips from a bag.

What does it have to be from a bag? Some chocolate. No. Don't specify how I eat the shape of the chocolate. Everyone, just everyone sit down. I am listening. Everyone listen. I am listening.

A handful of chocolate chips from a bag. Okay. Followed up with a few chugs, not even a glass of you chugs of non-fat milk from a carton. Carton? From the fridge. It'll change your goddamn life. That's chocolate milk deconstructed. No, it's not.

Just have chocolate milk. No. Because it is the consistency of the chocolate chips. And then after having a handful of two of those sweet, sweet little chocolate chippy boys, you're going to be like, oh my god, I need some milk right now. No, you're going to be like... I'm going to keep cool. These people aren't like that.

I'm going to go to the fridge and I'm going to... I'm like, I don't need to waste a glass from the carton. Carton is such an unattractive word. That is... Just please try it and please tweet at me or give me whatever. What kind of chocolate chips? What kind of chocolate chips? Where's Ellie?

Semi-sweet. Milk? Milk chocolate? Semi-sweet milk chocolate. Is that like 50%? I don't know the exact percentage. I just pick up semi-sweet bags from wherever you get. Morsels or chips?

Chips. Okay. And then the milk itself, the non-fat. How close is that to water? That's translucent. Pretty... Can you see it through the glass? Pretty adjacent to water.

You can see it through the glass a little bit, right? Jake often makes fun of me for how I like non-fat milk in my coffee. He's like, it's just watery coffee. Yeah, so it's thinned out. It's thinned. I don't like a thick milk. Have you gotten 1% just to test it out? I can do 1%.

I can do 2%. A hole is nothing for you. Hole is not the goal for me. Hole will leave you swole. Hole is fucking disgusting, clotted cream in your throat. Too much. Too much. 2% fine.

1%. Maybe ideal. Maybe non-fat. Non-fat is king. Skim is im. Skim is im. So that's my advice, is chocolate chips and milk is a perfect snack. And then you're saying you can test the vitamin levels of your blood by cutting hair?

Why don't you do the hair? Blood test is more up the moment, right? Hair tells a story. Those are not mutually exclusive things. Like, blood can also tell the story and be of the moment. Blood is news. Okay. Blood is news of the day.

Hair is a movie. What? What is hair telling you that blood doesn't? Blood is news. Hair is a movie. Hair has more information per capita. And so you get to know your defension in over time, not just that day, right? Why do I give a fuck if I don't have enough vitamin A 10 years ago?

No, it's months ago. So it tells a story of the last trimester, really. And then you get to know what supplements to take. So I'm... She's got me on a glycine. She's got me on a magnesium glycinate. Who's she? You're fucking barber?

No! My nutritionist ass. So you got drug tested for weed, and then they said you're actually low on calcium, and now you have a nutritionist. And it's worse than weed, they said. They said, oh, that person sold you opium. Yeah. So instead of being tested positive for a cool thing, you have osteoporosis.

And you need more milk. Yeah. So anyway, I've been taking vitamins and I feel good. Okay. Drinking some chocolate milk once a day. For the protein? Yeah. And for the culture?

Clay Thompson style. Yeah. All right. That's pretty good. Two good pieces of advice. Get your hair tested and drink milk, I guess. With chocolate chips. Let's try calling Jake, see if he's available.

Maybe he can weigh in on what's going on. I'll try FaceTiming him. Should I say your exact address? You don't have to say my address. My home address? Why would that have anything to do with what we're doing? Well, I just... People could send him gifts.

No. We were talking about FaceTiming and Jake, and you're like, oh, should I say your address? I don't know. It's just like phone numbers address. It's all information. Yeah, I guess. It's dialing. Maybe he's in a movie now.

Had the night off, so maybe he's taking it. I don't think he's watching a movie. That's cool. He lives in New York. Maybe he's like at a dinner. Imagine going to the movies in New York. Yeah, that's fine. Imagine it.

There's so much you can do and you're going to be like, I'm going to go to an AMC. Yeah, it's not necessarily an AMC. Yeah. You can't go anywhere. Oh, that's cool. Denied. Classic. Should we try and then he picks up for us?

That would be a slap in the dick, actually. He might call back at one point in the episode, so I'll leave my phone on extra loud mode. Nice. Which is a rude mode, but here we are. All right, should we try to answer a few more questions? Riley had a poem prepared. What? I know that you haven't rehearsed it, but let's just go with it.

I know you haven't made it or rehearsed it. Just go with the thing I did. Three, two, one, poem. Milk, milk, the glorious silk. Coming out of a fucking caterpillar. Why don't you do alternative milks? You don't trust them? They're fine.

But I wouldn't drink it straight. I can do an almond milk or an oat milk in my coffee or what have you, but I wouldn't be like, give me a glass of that almond stuff. Yeah, that's true. I had a really spicy immunity shot at Daniel's the other day, and it was like burning my lips, and I knew I needed. But I'm like, do you have any milk? And he's like, we have almond milk. Do you want a glass of almond milk? And I let my lips burn because I wouldn't drink a glass of almond milk.

So you drink for fun a glass of skim. Your mouth is on fire, and you're not even fucking with almond milk. That's how little you want it. Yeah. Because it's too thick. It's too thick. You say as you die. It's too thick.

Quick, the antidote for your snake bite. It's this shot of almond milk. Let me die. Tell my mom I love her. It's too thick. All right, we got another dude's name. Jeffrey, what do you got? I'm going to have to go with soy-like-tein.

That's cool. So it's like an ingredient in something. All one name? That's his first name. Okay. But he's kind of a Kobe figure because there's no one else named soy-like-tein, so he can kind of, he doesn't need his last name. Legendary, I love it.

Ever since I was a kid, right, soy, I have enjoyed comedy, and I really look up to you guys for some reason. I found that the podcast was the perfect place to ask for your device. I'm a young 19-year-old man living in North Carolina, and I'm currently full-time in school. I guess my question is, what do you guys recommend for someone to get started in the business of making people laugh? Sketches, stand-up, et cetera?

It's just a matter of, is it just a matter of start making content and don't stop until you're recognized? Is there a smart location to move to, or there a specific agency or person I need to talk to? I want this to be my career, and I really enjoy allowing people to forget their troubles by hearing a good joke or a funny sketch like you guys when I'm having a shit day.

Any advice would be helpful since I really don't have a starting point in mind. As far as my name, I usually go to Jake Mir Blumenwitz, so that'd be ideal. If by chance you do read this email, I wanted to say thank you for everything. Cheers, love, soy, lectithin, lecithin? His last name is xanthongum.

So after that super, super kind email, he is debased by you naming him soy-lectin-z. Xanthongum. I didn't know it was going to be that heartfelt. You're a bitch. But when I named them, so you guys were in college recently, now you're in the biz as it were,

what do you wish you knew as a 19-year-old that you know now? It could be anything. It can even be bad advice that you want to sort of take this guy off the scent so that there's less competition out there for you too. Yeah, don't make anything. Don't make anything.

Don't share it with people. Move somewhere rural. With no comedy community. It needs to be rural. As rural as possible. How important is it, do you guys think, to move to LA, New York, San Francisco, Chicago? Some place like that.

I feel like I'm happy with where I am now, but I feel like just for the experience of doing it, the experience that I had had the experience of living in a Chicago or an Austin or a Portland before I moved to LA or New York. Oh, like a stepping stone city to the bigger city. Yeah, but I came here for college,

so I feel like it's different. I think it also depends on what kind of comedy you want to go into, because there's so many different ways to kind of break into it. If you're more improv, Chicago would be a great place to go and even New York or LA.

Stand up. You could really do anywhere. And like kind of practice anywhere. I don't do stand up, and that really scares me, so I don't know a lot about that. And then in terms of like sketch and stuff, that also you can do anywhere. But if you want to find a bigger group of people

to do it with, then you might want to go to an LA, to a Chicago, to a New York. Yeah, and just make comedy with like-minded comedy folks. Yeah. Try to meet some comedy friends. Create some comedy with those friends. Yeah. Put it online, or just have fun.

Live shows. Do you guys ever do improv and or sketch? Yeah. I mean, well, we do the sketches here, but I did improv all throughout college. Oh. And I guess I haven't done it in a while, but I used to do it like throughout the city too,

and so like UCB taking classes and stuff. Is improv super important with sketch writing, or is it sort of a different part, a muscle? I think it depends on how you write. Like when Jeff and I write together, we improv a lot. Like we'll just kind of start doing bits, and then whatever we kind of tap into that we really like or think could be expanded upon in a more structured way,

we write that. But I've written with other people who are not, who haven't done improv and who don't approach from that angle, and they do it more from a story point entrance. So I think it doesn't hurt. I feel like just tangible pieces of advice, because somebody called me from Drexel, because they called here and they wanted an internship,

and they might intern here. What? You answered the phone and offered... Marty did! A Drexel dragon? A fucking job? Um, but I feel like if you're in college, the smartest thing to do is go to New York and LA for either one, whichever is more accessible to you, and intern every summer in those cities

to build up your professional, like, contacts, because you're really going to need those when you're done. That's true. And then during the school year and even during the summer, do improv, do sketch, do stand-up, whatever you want to do, make videos, and find your friends,

and then just like once you're ready to move to New York or LA, which you'll have to do eventually, you'll have contacts already from your internships that you can send your samples to, send your materials to, and that's how you'll get your first job probably. Wow, that's very tangible advice. Like, make yourself and share it with people that you trust,

because it's like you're not going to learn if you don't get feedback on anything, and that can hurt some times, but it's better to learn what you need to improve than to sit in a basement writing things that are bad that will make no one laugh, not even your mom. Mommy and daddy are fighting in the corner.

And not even your video can make a smile. I want to make people laugh, because my dad never cracks a smile. He's not proud of me. He's not proud of me. My mom doesn't make me ever laugh. Ever what? Draft.

Your mom doesn't make you. You mean home from the war? Home from the war. Oh. Beer's on tap, and I'm drafted in the Army. Beer's on tap, and you're drafted in the Army? Uh-oh, John Hughes is on. Let's all sit down and watch Breakfast Club.

Tag yourself. Now, tag yourself. Are you the nerd or the hot girl with the panties that are raised above her friggin' head in 16 candles? I didn't want to hear that. You made me listen to that. How fucked up is that for me

to have to sit here and have that in my ears? Beer's on tap, and I'm drafted in the Army. The girl with the high-waisted jeans from 16 candles? The fuck is wrong with you? How did you start in comedy, Amir?

Doesn't matter. After that? That's a moot point. The point is over. Touring? I did similar to you guys. I wrote for free throughout college. So, you know, learn

while in your spare time, write. I wrote for College Humor. And then, as soon as I graduated, they got money to make a book. They hired me and a few others. And I had a full-time job writing comedy right out of college, which was, you know... Sergeant Teller?

Serendipitous. $34,000. In New York? That's nothing. In New York, it didn't get me very far. But fortunately, my mother had a friend with an apartment in the Upper East Side that I could live in the first summer. Don't enunciate that well.

I'm squatting. I am writing. And I'm eating bagels with cheese. Please? For dinner? Chinese food made me sick. And I kept all day in the summer.

In the summer, yeah. I gained 41 pounds that fortnight. 14 days. Two weeks. Three pounds a day. The wrong way. Do not muscle?

No. Not even fat. What was it? Water weight? Pure milk weight. Pure skim on a day. Pure skim on a day. Whole milk makes me laugh. And I don't know how. All men, milk.

Wait your thing. Wait your thing. Wait your thing. Get that shit away from me. I'm going to let them burn my lips. Hurt from the shot I took. What was in the shot that it was spicy to you? Garlic.

And naan. A warm bread and a thick chicken. The richest shot of all. Chicken. Ramen broth. Top. It solidified in my mouth.

Glass of fat. It was good to eat. Have you ever felt oil separate in your own cheeks? I'm talking coconut and olive oil and it is in my ass. I hated today. This was the worst hour of my life.

Of course. I know. It was a little bit of prep which sucked and now. You didn't have to prep. You did all the work. We didn't do anything. We just walked in. Listen to us singing, dancing. Jake didn't even pick up. He's having a fucking hell of a time. He's in a movie in New York.

He's shooting a movie right now in New York. He's in a movie and we can't fucking get to the bottom of these questions. Did we answer this guy's question? Oh yeah you did. You gave more than enough advice. Probably a world record for us. That was a really nice email. Tell us again one last time about your podcast.

Review, review. Review, review. It's a great time. It's a fine time. It's an awesome time. We have fun. We read reviews that are very, very silly. And then kind of like here you come up with funny sketches that are based on the reviews.

I would say it's like if you like if I were you, you'll like review, review. Of course. Instead of emails in, it's reviews that we find from people. It's reviews out. If you don't trust us, you're listening to this because you like Amir.

Amir will be on our show tomorrow. Sick. What? That's great. Which episode was that? That was karaoke bars. Karaoke bars. Which I was surprised to learn you guys didn't frequent in college or beyond. The only time I've ever been to, I've been to karaoke bar twice.

Same one. Right here. Of course. The first time I was with Riley. It was fine. You guys both love singing. Immersed yourself in the karaoke culture. I will take you to a few places that know me

by Japanese name. What's your Japanese name? It's way too offensive to speak out loud, but just know it looks like this. No. This is bad. You did the Shakira tongue thing from the halftime show. Which by the way was fucking awesome.

You guys like the halftime show? It's better than Levine. But when he took his shirt off and danced. California across the abs? That was so hot to hear. Unoriginal. All right. So the review, sorry, not the just review review.

Just review review. You can listen wherever you listen to podcasts, including wherever you listen to this podcast. Give it a shot tomorrow. Amir's on the episode. If you like it. Hell yeah. If you like it, give us a five star rating on iTunes. It really helps us. Oh please do it. With the charts.

Do you ever review your own reviews? So we've just now, since people have started listening, got starting to get emails and people sending their own reviews or reviewing the podcast in a funny way. That's cool. So we're going to start reading them live

when we start recording for the future. But we're only releasing banked apps from the fall so far. We have about five of those more. And there's only been two episodes, maybe three episodes. So now's your time to get in on the ground floor. You don't have to catch up and listen to

200 episodes of review review. You can be a day one. You can be a day one. It still counts. Because it's week two. Okay, you can be a day two. You can be a day three. This is week three. That's pretty good. That's pretty fun. A day three, that's great. Day three is really good. Yeah, that's top five days.

My mom hasn't even listened to it. My mom isn't even day one or two. Okay, so you can still beat Riley's mom to the punch. You can still beat my mom. Oh, my mom's listened to it. She's supportive. Sorry. What the fuck did you just say? She really cares about me. She's day one.

She's a day zero because she listened to trail. She actually edited the first episode. So she's a day negative one. And it was tight. It was really good editing. The opening theme song. Gosh, what was that one? Oh, yeah. That was the breakfast at Tiffany's cover. This closing one is a you made it weird cover.

That's right. Theme song parody of a different theme song podcast. He says, nothing to plug in particular says John, but if you can give a shout out to all the Jeremy's out there, you're doing great. Shout out to the Jeremy's out there. You guys friends with any Jeremy's?

No. I wish. It's a little bit of an older person's name. I don't really know any younger Jeremy's. Jeremiah, of course. Jebediah. Jerry, Jerome. Not a lot of Jeremy's out there, but

I don't know. There's something about that in terms of how certain names. This is a disc jockey at three in the morning before he plays the next song. Are you going to, sorry, on the next episode, can you review the editable arrangement I sent you? That's right. You did send me an editable arrangement today.

Yeah. I didn't fully appreciate it yet because I haven't gone home. But my girlfriend said it was Did you actually send one? Oh, I actually sent it. Jeff loves sending random gifts and not telling people about it. I have yet to be on the receiving end.

What's another example of that? You're never in town. I am. Another example is I sent George Saba. It's just like a bag of fruit. It's so humid. It's a sack. I sent George Saba,

aka Man George, a hat that said it was a vintage hat. It was camo print and it said there was a duck on it. Did he know it was from you? So he didn't. So basically what happened was he didn't even open the box because he didn't order anything.

That makes sense. Two weeks after he got it, finally his roommate, my friend Kirsten, was like, hey, this came for you by the way if you want to open it and he opens it and he's so confused. There's no note. I didn't say anything to him. Of course. And so they spend, they have a little pow wow at their house. Yeah, they're talking about it. They're talking about it.

They're throwing out names who it could be. Everybody says no. Finally I get a text and he's like, that says honkers. And I was like, yes. And he's like, I've been talking about this for 45 minutes. So I wasted his time. I gave him a hat. In that order. Wasted his time, gave him a hat.

I've both wasted his time and gave him a way to get shade on the day. So he has, he has you to think for that. Now, if anyone ever gets any weird gifts, we can assume that it was you who sent it. Yeah. At first it's like a little confusing. Who did this? Who done it? Now, Riley's going to get a fucking, I don't know,

inflatable tube one day and she'll know it was from you. I got a gift recently that I thought was from Jeff because it was. Oh, this was creepy. I thought somebody found your address. So I was, I was traveling over the holidays and I came home and there was a box and within the box

there's a fragile on it for Delay and I open it and it's a mug and it is a photo that I took. It's a photo that Jeff took. Oh, sorry about that. No, that's not the photo. It's a photo of me sitting on the couch in the office

holding up my phone because I, Al Pacino and I have very similar eyes so it's me, it's just me making the same face as a young Al Pacino. So I took a photo of that. It is a photo of clearly like like a computer, someone had taken a photo of that photo on a computer

screen or something and put that on a mug. So I see that and I immediately assumed that it's from Jeff. It's not from Jeff. I texted everyone, I possibly think it could be days ago, but I put on Instagram, I'm like, hey, got this mug if anyone, like very kind

but if anyone, could you please tell me who sent this? And now I start to get worried because I'm like, someone has my home address and someone's not telling me who it is. Finally, my mom goes my, hey, your sister, like was it from Shutterfly? She goes, oh yeah, your sister sent me something from there, you should text her. And it's from my sister

and the gift wasn't even for me. She goes, oh yeah, that's actually for Daniel. I hope he enjoys it. No, no, sister sent you a gift for your boyfriend. My boyfriend a gift delivered to me, but it now resides in his cupboard. I, I

have no notes and there was no note. So congrats to Vanessa. Yeah. Mazel tov to all. Shout out. And to all a good night. All right, check out review review and we will be back of course right here next week with Jake

herwitz if you can believe it. Yeah, he'll be back. Maybe he'll call me back by then. Bye everybody. Bye.