If I Were You - 422: Worms (w/Rose McIver!)

Episode Date: February 17, 2020

Friend and voice of Headgum Rose McIver is in the studio discussing salads, weddings, and MSN Messenger.For more IF I WERE YOU check out bonus video Thursday episodes on our Patreon.com/JA.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. Nice. That was Nick Goldston. Rose, thoughts? One of my favorites. Really? Still shocked that people put so much time into doing these for you.

That's so lovely. That song is better than anything we've ever done on the podcast before. I think that's better than the original song. That's right. It was already like an acoustic version of a song we loved. Right. And then he also made it about if I wrote it. Honestly, if he would do me the solid of recording Lit's actual My Own Worst Enemy with that

energy, I would add that to my chill out playlist. He writes, actually, one request. I grew up on Blink 182, Nick Goldston writes. Yeah. And I'd love to do one of their songs for the show. Anything from Cheshire Cat through Take Off Your Pants and Jacket. I know Jake is a big Dude Ranch fan. And I'm personally an Enema of the State fan.

Yeah. And Take Off Your Pants and Jacket. But I'd be stoked to do anyone shout out my friend Alexis who had their question about pasta answered on a podcast once. Let's hear Carousel by Blink 182. Which one's that? Just go ahead, sing a few bars. Okay.

He's... Okay, so Tom... So it's like... It's a really long intro. So fast forward. Okay. Yeah, you're like putting me on. I don't want to put you on the spot.

Three, two, one, verse. Three, two, one, chorus. Everyone else be quiet. I had a gun there in my head. I know. I'm there with you. Ready? Boom.

You. Green light. Go. Now. Now. Alright, well, you tried. So Nick Goldstein wrote that one. Can I just tell you really quickly that Little Known Fact at Intermediate, which is junior

high, middle school, I was in a band called Splinter and we did Blink 182 covers and I did, oh, the small things. What? What you sing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got... You have like drummer energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You have big drummer energy. Actually, I do remember being teased cause I didn't move enough when I was singing at the microphone. I stood too still and I just bopped my knees and the rest of the band were like, you got to loosen up. So you're 13 years old in New Zealand, in a band, 11 in New Zealand, a bunch of other fifth grade New Zealanders. I don't know what grades are. I'd say 10 to 11 year olds and they're singing American songs. With the accents, we worked a lot on the accents. So for example, what would it, like what's in a song that you guys did? I told you, all those small things. And then what was

your job? What was your role in the band? Singing. Oh, no other instruments. Lead vocals. Yeah. Wow. And then who else was in the band? Ben Sludes was on the drums. Nice. We had another girl called Francis Rose. What are the chances? That's my name too. Are you just finding this out? Well, another one. Your name is Francis Rose. Yeah. Thanks, Jake. Francis Rose McIver. Yeah. I will never forget that. Thank you so much. Is it ES or IS? It's ES because I'm a girl. I'm sorry about Jake, by the way. I don't like this dynamic at all. Actually, Jake, what is it? It's usually, anyway, well, no, I don't get ganked up on it. You do the game, I'm really sorry. Either T. Rose or Rose and I tease you. Yeah. Wait, Jake, what's your middle name?

Pen Cooper. You knew that. Pen Cooper. Yeah. I also knew that. It's two. Oh, I remember that. You know, like, I remember it now that you said it. I was talking about middle names. This is Schmuel, okay? You want to make fun of somebody? Classic. S-H-M-U. You're almost done. Halfway through. Is it H-M-U? You're halfway through. Yeah. S-H-M-U, which sounds like a name of a school, you're halfway through. E-L, go to hell. For making fun of my name. Sometimes I wish you would. Schmuel. Rose McIver, the voice that launched a thousand pods, that's right. The voice of our network. You've heard her before, whether you'd like to or not. Rose is actually on every head come podcast. That's right. She's the bumpers. Can you actually

hit us with that? Which is actually more than you now, Jake, because you went on last week's, were you? That's, that is, no, I was on last week's. No, no, no, you weren't. By the time this comes out, we'll have aired the one with Jeff and Riley where you're not on it. Wait, that's an, if I were you? It's an if I were you. So I've been on more if I were you than Jake? That's insane. I thought that you were on review review. Oh no, we did an if I were you without you. Excuse you. Yeah. HMU. This is Jake finding out. This is insane. Yeah, yeah. I wasn't go to hell. You were consulted, but you were insulted. No one told me this was happening. We were going to record our podcast. You weren't here. I'm being like Yoko Ono right now,

like getting in there. Actually, can you step out? Me and Rose will take this one. This is absolutely, absolutely batshit crazy to me. I was fully under the impression that you and I were going to guest on review review. No, I see. You texted me. You said it's kind of hard to do two guests remote. Yeah, like three people in one room, one person across the country, which I still stand by. Yeah, I agree. And I was happy to not do it when I thought I was getting out of doing review review. Okay, let's see. I don't know I was being fucking. You're being kicked off your own podcast. Yeah, this is insane. But you chose to move back to New York. So, you know, I think it's a mere acting out. It's like a child when his parent,

you know, just let him do this. He's going through like a phase. Yeah, yeah. We won't actually air it. Wink, wink. This is, what would you have said if it was like, if you knew it was if I were you? I probably would have said that I should do it. Okay. Well, guys, I'm really sorry. I'm bringing that up. Easy to say now. I can, I guess edit you into the conversation. It's funny because when Rose said that, I was like, I was like, I shouldn't correct her. Yeah, because I was pulling Rose no more than you. This is why you need to pair with a girl. We're talking about this. I'm the cross that I'm tracking story. You really are. You could do one without me to sort of make up for it. No, I don't want to do an extra podcast.

You're going to have to buy me a pony to make up for this. All right. This is if I were you. Advice show that Jake's occasionally on. I'm a mere Francis is across the table from us. Frankie. Thank you. Do you ever get recognized for your voice for a head gum thing? Uh, you know, sometimes at comic conventions, the only time I really get, um, get called out for head gum is at comic conventions where people seem to like, yeah, you've got a lot of fans out there. I don't know if you guys have done signings and stuff, but no signings. We should start doing that. But I'm not sure if they know, if they just hear my voice and then think that's, oh, that's from a head gum or if they

knew it from something else. You never ordered something at a restaurant. The waitress is like, wait a minute, say that again. How many listeners do you have? 40 on our show and another 20 spread throughout the other 40 episodes. I want to wait till Jeff and Riley's episode next week drops without me though. Whoa. It hasn't even gone online yet, but it's viral. You're a virus. A coronavirus. All right. These are, of course, as always, you've been here before. You get it. Real questions from real people. All we need are fake names to preserve their anonymity. They're anonymous. You still can't say the word. How many years is it? Seven. Anonymity. Anonymity. Anonymity. Anonymity.

All right. So do you have a guy's name we can call this person? Blake. Nice. Blake, like Lake with a B. Yeah, yeah. That's really cool. My dudes started watching you guys when you were at College Humor. And obviously, I think you're hilarious and cool and good at math. He's talking about me. Anyway, here's the sitch. So I have this friend who's getting married this summer across the country in North Carolina. I live in Colorado and it's the same weekend as Bonnaroo. My girlfriend already got tickets to Bonnaroo before we learned about the wedding and is going to go to that if she doesn't come with me to the wedding and I won't know anybody else there. At this point, I'll probably bail on the wedding, which I already feel bad about,

but my question is, how should I tell my friend? The bride and I used to work together for three years and then we shared an office and hung out every day. But since then, we've only seen each other maybe twice, three times a year. So I'm not sure it's the biggest deal to her. Well, that's it. Hopefully you guys are having a great day and can help me out. Thanks. Love, Blake. Wow. As somebody that planned a wedding. Yeah. He doesn't have to go, but he won't be their friend again. But he won't stay here. Do you think that? I do think that there were people invited or not invited to my wedding that it felt like our friendship connection isn't super strong,

but this invite is an offer to rekindle it or stay close. And him rejecting that is sort of being like, actually, this chapter of my life is closed, which is fine because it does sound like he would rather go to Bonnaroo than their wedding. Because I'd say as somebody who has never had to plan a wedding, that part of why I wouldn't want a wedding is this. The stress of who to invite, what are they going to say? All jokes aside, I would, it's just the idea of how many people you offend and don't offend and it seems like it's kind of about, it's this inventory, like a friendship inventory happens at a wedding that's like so much pressure. And then the tables, where do the tables go?

Yeah. And who's like, who's part of the bridal party? All that stuff is like, it kind of feels like it does take you back to school in some ways of who's invited to the birthday party. Everyone, it is a ranking because you have your bridal party. It's like the maid of honor and the best man. And that's like, okay, so who's top of like, of all of your best friends, who's the top five? Micah yours? Yeah, Micah was mine. And then even after that, like there's still an order of which people walk down the aisle and stand next to you up there. So then it's like, okay,

so now I have to do another order. And then after that, it's like, who gets the seat closest to the main table? And you absolutely like top hundred in order every time you get married. Yeah, when you put somebody in a shitty seat, that is because you don't care about them that much. There were people in bad seats at our wedding and it's because they were low priority. I think I would go, I would go me, my brothers, obviously, Jeff and Riley, and then maybe Francis over there. And then am I forgetting anyone? I don't think you're forgetting me. I think I go, that's right, but you didn't say where I am. When you say me, that actually reminds me of Streeter. Yeah, me, Streeter. We're not talking about like who's invited.

Oh, and then my main man, Jay, Jesse. When you said me, and then you were like, what about me? That reminded me of Streeter. And when you just said my main man, Jay, and you pointed it, you had looked at me. And I guess, I guess if I'm ranking dead last people, there's a couple of frenemies in my life that I'm not too down to hang out with. No, not quite you yet. Sean Perlman. So I don't even make the rommies of the world. And then a couple of shitasses that I have to invite out of fucking obligation because I accidentally went to their wedding and gave a speech at their wedding. Not you, obviously not you. You're not invited. Who else could possibly be? Because I want it to be a small affair. I think that the

other thing about this is that I sometimes invited people to my, to me and Jill's wedding, our wedding, not my wedding, that we were expecting to come. So like there's a world too where you don't want to go and your friend also doesn't want you to go. Yeah, you've got some nos and you're like, this is great. It opens up. Have you guys had the week before last minute wedding invite? Yeah. I had a couple of those and I take such great pleasure in saying no. A text message. It's like, huh, next week. That's what I got. I got there recently from a friend in New Zealand. I like it. This past summer, a friend texted me and Jill and they're like, hey, clearly this is like someone's full grandma died. Two tables. We're not going to pretend like we forgot your

invite or whatever, but like this opened up. You guys are great. Would you want to come? And we it was the day before the wedding and we went. Oh, that's cool. I do think there's something liberating and like taking all of the stink off like the wedding invite process. And if you want to go, go. And if you don't, don't. And you know, maybe down the track, you have to like have a weird conversation with that friend about it later. But like, I don't think you should go. This guy shouldn't go to the wedding to feel like if he doesn't want to be there, he's not going to enhance their experience. Especially with this attitude. You'd rather be at Bonnerville. Yeah. Absolutely don't do this as a favor because it is not a favor.

You showing up begrudgingly doesn't help anyone. They're probably desperate for you not to come. Eating a $200 steak begrudgingly. You'll either save them cash or get somebody, get free up the invite list for someone else. Jake and Jill will get the invite. That will gladly show up. Do you have to give a reason when somebody says RSVP no? I think you just say, I'm sorry, like we're booked up that weekend. And I don't think that this guy's going to be like looking at social media to see that you're at Bonnerville. You're just shirtless in a fanny pack. Yeah. Maybe don't post. I would steer away from posting. You can hide your story from certain people in your settings. Wow. Have you done that? Not me per se. Don't lie.

No, Jill's the one that taught me. She did it. She's hid her story from people. That's so funny. That happened. Why did she hide it? She stopped posting entirely. I think it was like something like this. She never posts though, so why would that come up? I used to always watch her stories and comments that she was keeping it a-hunted and now she's blocking people. Commenting too much, I mean. I was commenting a lot but it went away. Who did she block? No, no one actually. She did stop. To think of her blocking someone puts me on the verge of tears because I imagine that I can't hear your story. Someone hiding that comment from her. It was a hunted comment. What was the thing we used to be able to do on MSN chat?

You know, I remember you used to be able to like- MSN chat. Do you guys remember that? No, I never did MSN messenger. We were AIMing. We were ICQing. You did shit weird in New Zealand. It was all ass backwards back there. Oh my God. It's still on MSN probably there. What is it? You're plugging MSN messaging a kangaroo or something? That's funny. 69ing a kangaroo or something. Say that. Guys, I'm not from Australia. Where? I'm not from Australia. Okay. All right. My first name is Francis and I'm from New Zealand.

God, it felt so good to get that off my chest. They don't fucking kangaroos there. No. No kangaroos in New Zealand. No snakes, no kangaroos, no wombats, no hobbies, no koalas. None of them. What's a kiwi? Is it the fruit or is it a type of animal? It's a bird. It's a bird, right? Do they have kiwi, the fruit there too? Indigenous? No. Did you ever instant message one on MSN? MSN. I can't believe you guys didn't have that. That is, it was iconic.

It was again, around the same age I was in Splinter, the band. Things were taking off musically for me. We should do Weezer. Or however you would say. It was right after I got that haircut too. We should do Weezer, mate. It was a good year. But no, MSN messenger, it was like just a chat thing. Maybe it's the same as AIM or whatever. But you used to be able to hide when you were online.

And it was a big thing that you'd hide from some people after school. And then somebody would be like, but it shows that she's online to me. Oh wow. Do you remember that? Yeah. You can do that on AIM as well. Invisible mode. Yeah. Oh, that's so mean. And then you'd bust somebody else. It was the original ghosting. Yeah. In plain sight. You would have been a good coach back in the day.

But Jake, were you doing a bit of casual talk throughs? I learned my ways on AIM. My God, I was a king of away messages. ASL? Those were the fucking days. You ever used %n? That would display their screen name in your away message. Oh yeah. How cool is that move? That's so dope. Hey, Bob Rooney, I'm away from the keyboard right now. And it's like, how did they know that it would, oh, they put %n.

So it's displaying my fucking screen name on their A message. You ever not do that? So people thought it was %n, but it was actually just at Joe Winnick's. Oh, that's cool. So you did it like, so he thought you %n, but then everyone would be reading his screen name. That's right. That's really dope. And then did you ever have like a quote in your AIM profile? Like a Dave Matthews quote?

Yeah. You know what? I actually, okay. Real, I feel like I might have told this story at one point because I was- Was it last week? Oh, no, you were on last week. Yeah, that's right. I once, because I was in a band in high school. A rival band. Cool. We were called Wally J. Was this before or after you got the tattoo?

It was way before. I think I was 15. But we, I put a song that I wrote into this, into my profile, like hoping that people would think it was like dashboard confessional. That love. And I remember like a few months later, someone like a friend of mine had taken a lyric from the song and put it in hers. Wow. And we never played a show.

She didn't know that was an original line that I wrote. Do you remember the line? It was so emo. It was like, no, it was like something like someday you'll- I mean, this is, the spirit was someday you'll like me, but it'll be too late and I won't be into you. That's cool. That was the spirit. I did not know you went that earnest.

I couldn't have picked that. Oh man, no, it was very earnest. Yeah. Did you write a few tracks? Yeah. I'll think of some lyric string that break. We'll come back and I'll play a song. I'll remember this. I'll remember this line. What was your first email address?

Do you remember what yours was? Mine was my brother's AOL email address. I just used it because I was like 11 and he was 15. So it was Picasso at earthlink.net. Picasso at earthlink. Picasso with a K. And did I mention Picasso had a K in it? Mine was just talk to the hand at hotmail.com.

The number two? Just talk to. No, but it had underscores between the words. That's cool. But for years, my password, until probably I moved to America, my password for everything, way since I got my other email addresses and whatever, it was still not the face. Because I was just talking to them.

I'll talk to them and not the face. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's so all. But it's not the password for anything now, don't bother. Nice. This is iCloud. All right. All your photos were just leaked, by the way. Nudes everywhere.

Nudes and OOTC. Not the face. Just talk to the head. Oh, fuck. I was tragic. Good stuff. All right. Let's take a break.

We'll thank some sponsors and come back with more questions and answers after this. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the goat father's day gift. I think it actually is.

Yeah. Yeah, not just father's day, but if for any not so tech-savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child.

We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great, really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen.

It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant?

Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way.

By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an Aura. Yeah.

Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah, like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah, it's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit AuraFrames.

That's A-U-R-A-Frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best-selling frames. There it is. Oh wow, this is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply.

That's AuraFrames. A-U-R-A-Frames.com. Okay, go get your parents something, all right? And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area. But BetterHelp makes that all easy

because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. It's incredibly helpful. Therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years.

So give therapy a try. It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful. So you can find that balance better with BetterHelp. All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com slash if I were you. You do that today. You can get 10% off your first month.

So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help. And it's extra affordable. That's BetterHelpHELP.com slash if I were you. Check them out.

Thanks, BetterHelp. And we are back, Rose. Do you have any? Oh, it's a left-right device. Oh, I'm coming. Is it the same jingle for that each time? Yeah, that one we sort of kept because we liked it. It's perfect.

Do people submit new ones? They used to, and now they sort of stopped because that one is without flaw. We have no notes. Do you have any unsolicited advice? I don't. Okay, I got one. Okay.

It's sort of a reimagining slash sequel to my first one of getting a waterpick. Do you have a waterpick? I got one, hated it, lost it. So I got one, I think it was about two or three years ago, and then that was our first piece of unsolicited advice. And my waterpick has been slowly declining, and I sort of didn't really realize it until I did

what I think is my new piece of unsolicited advice, which is get a new waterpick. That's right. I've got a better one. Okay. I have a much, much better one. Salad, green leaves, all right? You're making a salad.

You want to wash those leaves, don't you? Of course. How do you dry them? How do you dry them? And you don't want to fill up your kitchen with gimmicks, all right? It leaves gadgets and things. Well, that was a salad spinner.

Salad spinner, right? It's actually like that. You put them on a tea towel, put all the lettuce leaves on a tea towel, grab the ends of it like a little knife. A little knapsack. A little knapsack. Like you'd put it over your shoulder

and you're leaving home. What do you talk about? You bundle it up and shake it. You bundle it up and you spin it around like the centrifugal force. Like a helicopter. Like a helicopter. And all of the water flies off the leaves into the tea towel.

The tea towel? What's a tea towel? Can you translate that for me? Is that like a paper towel? No, it's like a hand towel, except it's a little bit bigger. It's probably 20, no, it's like 18 by 24. Yeah. Or 21 by 24.

What do you call a thing that you use in the kitchen to like? Hand towel. Like to wipe down the counters. It's like grab the hot things out of the oven and... But that's like a thick sort of heat. Okay, my unsolicited advice is get a tea towel. If you go to firmliving.com, I've got a tea towel that I really love.

Oh, really? Yeah, it's a beautiful tea towel. 100% cotton? I think it's 100% cotton. Let's pull it up. Okay. I understand what a tea towel is. But do you also understand?

So you're putting the leaves in there? You're putting the lettuce leaves in there. You're spinning it around. Spinning around how? On a stick? No, no, no. Just clutch the ends. Got it.

Like a spindle of sorts. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, exactly. Whiff around your head like... The spindle, that was what I was describing with the knapsack thing on your back. But that's not what it is. Okay, so you're spinning it around super fast.

The water goes off the leaves into the tea towel and out a little bit, so it's better to stand on the balcony if you're gonna do it spin. I see. But it's great. I did it last night. Dried those leaves very quickly. You don't have to hand pat them down,

which can take a long time when you're making them beautiful fresh greens. You have this platform to tell anyone, to give anyone a piece of... Your mind. And it's how to dry leaves. And it's spin, spin salad around your head. I just...

On the balcony. I don't know if she leaves pre-washed. I would like everybody to write in who uses that and just be honest. But just make sure these guys know that they're getting a lot. When they bring me into the show, they're getting valuable advice.

They're getting stuff people use. They're, you know, help me out, guys. Washing fruits and vegetables seems necessary. Everyone talks about it. But then I'm like, I'm just running this dirty thing under sink water. Now it's got dirty things on it in the sink water. I'm never scrubbing it so dry.

When you rinse salad leaves, it doesn't fully... To me, it doesn't fully feel like, okay, the salad's clean now. I'm usually holding them in my open palms and sort of just shaking them dry. Yeah, we do the same thing. And now I'm not helpful in that.

It's sort of wet. Yeah, but then they're soggy in the salad. Yeah, soggy in the salad. That's why I don't really like... I've put them on a tea towel before. I didn't do the spinning thing. I thought you were... I put them on a tea towel,

fold up the tea towel, and it's nice. It's sort of like... Let us by leaf by leaf, right? I bob it like a baby. That's nice. But it doesn't... You'll do one leaf at a time. Get Jolly Jumper.

And you air dry it with your breath. Oh, that's definitely dirty. Per leaf of arugula, and then you lay it out. One day later, naturally evaporating. And then the next one, soap, water, dryer, dry, tea towel, whatever. You just want to rinse off the dirt,

really, off leaves, you know? If you've bought some beautiful, organic produce, and you've got a little bit of dirt on it, it's like it just kind of rinses off that dirt. That's nice. Are you veggie at all? You know about Jake's meaghan diet? What's meaghan?

It's... I've also been thinking about calling it weekend, which is the freaking weekend. It's vegan throughout the week, but not on the weekend. It's basically 75 to 80% plant-based, and then not giving a shit sometimes. Oh, that's a good...

I like that model, actually. So mostly vegan, sometimes not. Yeah, I didn't eat meat for like five years, and it won't fish or anything. And then I went backwards. I was a head of the game, a head of the curve. Started eating it again about five years ago.

Probably around about when I met you guys, actually, maybe 10 years ago. And then I do wish... I'm very mindful that it doesn't feel like a good thing that I do, but I'm not. I haven't made hard and fast rules. But I tend to eat a lot of plant-based stuff, I'd say. The nice thing about vegan or a weekend

is there aren't hard and fast rules. It's just like, yeah, I'm pretty much vegan, except sometimes I don't give a shit. Well, yeah, you need to be a certain personality to be able to do that, because an addictive personality wouldn't work well with that. They would just do whatever they want all the time.

Somebody actually emailed us. I started. Erin says, my version of vegan is veg-ish, vegan-leaning, and sometimes fish. I like that. Oh. Do they fuck with eggs?

They probably fuck with eggs, but she talks specifically about sushi. Nice. Yeah. What are you going to do with sushi? Vegans can't have sushi? Well, you're going to tell me you can't have a sushi? Well, vegans can't have sushi.

Well, like, can't have tuna? Megans can have sushi. You're allowed to have sushi, because sometimes you don't give a shit. That's the point of being vegan. How long have you been vegan, Jake? My whole life, by accident. Sometimes I'll eat meat, and sometimes I don't.

It's very non-committal. I started being vegan in early January. But like... This year. Yeah. So, like, a few weeks ago. Okay. How's the huge commitment going?

It's been really nice. I think most of the time I'm vegan, and then sometimes I don't give a shit. And you get to eat pasta, which you like anyways. Yeah, pasta's good. I really wanted... The thing that I wanted to do most of all is just like introduce a lot more vegetables into my diet,

because sometimes, I don't know, I was like, even when I was eating meat, I was still not eating a lot of vegetables. And now, not eating meat, I'm like trying to get more. Well, now you've got the salad worldly trick. Yeah. You're going to be good for that. And now that I know how to wash my salad,

what if it's raining outside? Do you not have a shelter on your balcony? Get a shade cloth. That's cool. Shade cloth for the balcony. A shade cloth for the leaves. A shade cloth is just a giant tea towel. All right.

We'll get the towel. But yeah, get a new... If you got a water pick when I told you to get one, get a new one. It'll blow your mind. That includes you. Do they have like a newer model? I love one with a thinner profile.

I hate... I just... Again, it's another gadget that you've got to have sitting in the bathroom now. I don't want another thing. But I got a new one and I used it like, whoa, I don't know what I've been using. It's a very weak, loud stream.

This new one is like a silent assassin for me. It's like... Does it hurt at all? It feels like a power drill. No, but it just feels a lot cleaner than my last one. Maybe I would be interested in getting a new one. I've sort of fallen out of love with my water pick. Yeah.

Start. Get yourself a water pick that can do both. Clean your teeth and I'll watch a movie with it. No, Joe. Maybe you should do a tutorial video because my problem with them was a lot of splash back and yeah. You want to splash it towards your throat. Maybe for Patreon, there could be like a special video of them.

Yeah. I will... I have two videos on the Patreon. It seems like some weird Japanese fetish site where it's just like me using a fucking water pick. It's like ASMR or something. Yeah. With milk instead of water.

Have you ever used milk instead of water? No. I didn't... Yeah, I've never done anything. Didn't you use milk instead of water and you sprayed it up your ass? That's a separate Patreon that I'm starting. That's right. Okay, we got another question from a 22-year-old guy in Canada.

That's right. A Canadian. Rose, you get it. You lived in Vancouver for five years or so. What's he asking about? Well, about Tinder. So why don't you give this guy a Tinder-based Canadian name? Think about it.

Think long and hard. Tinder-based Canadian name, Chad. That's great. That's awesome. 22-year-old guy who lives in Canada named Chad. He's recently moved there from Nebraska. Of course. Following Jake's advice from early episodes,

I am on Tinder looking for love. I do pretty well for myself match-wise, but I never seem to get it moving forward than that. Anyway, a few weeks back, I matched with the perfect girl for me. We have the same interests and conversations, and it was going smoothly. Untypical of me, I asked her out. And to my surprise, she said yes.

Bear in mind, a year of using the app, and I have never went on a date with anybody. 30 minutes before the first date, she texted me that she's running a bit late. I say no problem, and I arrive only to receive another text saying she has to cancel. I completely understand, and she offers to reschedule for two days later.

Second date comes around, and this time I'm running late, so of course I inform her. But when I arrive 15 minutes late, she's nowhere to be seen. I text her and she sends me a long apologetic text saying she got sick. I told her it's fine,

but I'm not interested in arranging the third time. Am I the asshole here? I really like this girl, but I'm afraid of being ditched twice. I will be starting whatever this is from a position of weakness. How might I approach suggesting we try again? So he doesn't worry about losing the upper hand,

saying that you're... I'm not going to schedule a third time. Good luck, babe. Hey, how's it going? Chad here. Everyone deserves a third chance at love. But this time I'm going to be running late, just like the second time.

Uh, should he try for a third? Two strikes throughout, three strikes? Did he say he really likes this girl? He had a great conversation with her. So they talked on the phone? No, they probably just messaged. Okay. I think he's excited about the potential.

He's been burned twice. That's right. I would say it's not worth trying to schedule a third time, but not out of the upper hand thing. It just sounds like she is. Where in Canada is he? He might be quite remote. Imagine if he...

We might be deep like in the woods Edmonton. These aren't to a penny. It's a Saskatchewan. Yeah. The middle of the city. And I get that. You know, maybe the stakes are a little higher

if it's really slim pickings. That's right. What's the least amount of effort he could put into a third meetup? Like telling her to come to your work as you're getting out of work. Just DTF, question mark. That's cool.

They're not beating around the bush, babe. We clearly have sexual chemistry. I guess, I mean, I would just say like, no worries if you ever want to do anything, just let me know. But you don't have to be like, I think the weird thing is being like, this one didn't work out.

Well, when can we reschedule? That's getting a little bit desperate. I think you... Because like it's also not that cool to feel so upset. Be like, all right, well, this one didn't work out, but let's not do this again. Yeah, I'm never doing this.

Never again. Yeah, it's like more jilted and sad to like be really had and fast about it. I think the coolest thing you can do is not give a shit. Like you tried twice and now you're just like, I'm over it. What about just like, no worries, hit me up if you're free sometime.

Yeah. And then... Hey, I know he didn't hit me up. You have to be able to commit to the not following up on it. You follow up on it, you dig in the grave. I think maybe you do something like, no worries, like not even ask her if she wants to reschedule. Oh, that's cool.

Okay, that maybe send... That's like, you get a text like that, and that like, that like makes your stomach tie itself in a knot a little bit. Kind of, maybe I'd be like, well, he seems pretty hardcore and he needs to chill out a little. Like no worries. He's like emo, but we haven't even met.

Like I would maybe read that as too hurt. Okay. So there was a Wally J song that... Sorry, this is your old band? This, yeah, this reminds me of a Wally J song. Is it a cover? Because it's another song. It's not a cover song.

No, I think you say a friendly no worries, like truly don't worry about it. We'll try it. We'll try again some other time. And then you texture sometime when you're out already, maybe with some friends, maybe some kind of like really low stakes. Like, hey, I'm out at this bar if you want to come around.

Sorry, still busy. Then at least, yeah, if she says that, then it's 100% over. I guess I feel like with this stuff, I have never been on Tinder. I'm out of the game for that stuff, but like the stakes seem so low. It's not like you're publicly being embarrassed. Like I would be so direct because what's to lose?

You just like, who cares if the person doesn't respond? It's not like you have to take it personally. You're not running into them at work every day and having to like walk with your tail between your legs. Why not just be a little... Like basically say, sorry, do you just not want to hang out? LOL. Because then she will say yes.

And then that'll hurt. Yeah, yeah, I wouldn't do that. That's made me too far even for me. But like, I'd probably just go... What are we, babe? I'm starting to question everything. If I got sick, would you stay with me? You know, like ask something normal like that.

You gotta like weigh like what you want to say versus like what's the benefit of it. Like when this does happen, every fiber of your being probably does want to be like, okay, so like you obviously don't care. This is, we'll never see each other again. Fuck you, whatever. But like, that doesn't take you anything.

Yeah, but I would just, I feel like if I'd been rejected three times, I'd probably just be like, okay, cool. Let me know sometime if you're around, have a good week, you know, whatever, just something friendly and dismissive. Yeah, friendly and dismissive. Friendly that it's fine, but like with zero indication that like, it's, that it's so fine that it can happen again. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, leave that seed like just around, but... What if you say like, ooh, two strikes on you, here comes another change up. Don't whiff, babe. Meet me at here at 11 p.m. If you're really sick, I can make chicken noodle soup. Do you want to foul that one off? We don't even have to meet.

I'll leave it at your place. Is that a meat cute if it's just soup? That's a meat sad. Nice. All right, one last question from somebody from Australia. Okay. It's basically where Rose is from. Okay, Ross.

Classic. I'm from the limestone coast of southern Australia. Southern? He was going to try to let that fly. The southern coast of Australia. And I need your help. Given that you both worked in a shared office space, I'm sure you'll be able to come to my aid.

Someone at my work has worms. And given that you've both had worms recently. The discovery was made by my boss after using the toilets and the situation seemed simple. Everyone would take anti-worming tablets and it would be done with. Wrong. I worked out the amount of tablets in the pack and it was the perfect amount for each person in the office.

After a few days, there were still two in the pack. Okay. After bringing this up, everyone claimed to have taken a tablet. Why lie about that? The problem has been persisting. I found this coy little parasite openly mocking me with their existence on multiple occasions over the last few months.

Enough is enough. How does he notice worms in the bathroom? They don't flush the toilet ever? Yeah, someone left shit in the toilet and there was worms in the shit. I wouldn't straight up kill myself if I saw that, I think. Okay. Also, is it literal or is it?

I thought it was like a sort of a bug, but are they actually little worms? That's a good question, I don't know. In order to beat the worm, I had to become the worm. I started doing some digging, nice. After some investigating, I've narrowed it down to two people. My question is, how do I proceed with this? Do I confront the two individuals

and tell them that I know it's one of them? Or dare I say both of them infesting our workplace with this parasitic poop? I'm writing this immediately after finding another worm in the toilets. So maybe they flush and the worm sticks. I mean, I don't know where he works, but this isn't his job, right?

Do you, are worms, is this contagious? Is this a thing? Well, I think it's contagious. It's like head lice, I think. I've heard of worms in dogs. I've never heard of a man having a worm. No, I know people who get tapeworms. Can you pass it on?

Will you look and see if worms are contagious? Tapeworms. Because I feel like... They are, I'm pretty sure. They're like, yeah. I'm pretty sure it's... Well, maybe I'm confusing with ringworm, which is... Yeah, I'm hesitant to dole out memories.

Tapeworms are not contagious. Okay. Tapeworms aren't, but I think... Are any types of worms contagious? Regular worms. Like, I can give you one. Like, yeah, so if he sits on the toilet, will the worm crawl up his ass?

Yeah, so you've seen parasite, right? It's sort of about that. It's not about that at all. Is it not? I fell asleep at the beginning. Oh my God, no. And just woke up talking to you guys right now. Wow, that's disgusting.

That's a really disgusting workplace problem. Imagine the boss like, all right, everyone's taking worm pills because I've been noticing worms in the toilet. One for everyone. Hey, there's two left. Somebody didn't take their worm pill. What is the job?

What is the job, did he say? They're a worm pill distribution company. And this is just some sort of weird team bonding exercise. I mean, it's Southern Australia. Anything is probable. This whole fucking thing is a mess. It's next to Tasmania. I did hear about somebody intentionally

getting a tapeworm to lose weight. Jesus, there's got to be an easter egg. In LA. Right. Like, Doc, can I have a parasite? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it does all of the digesting for you. And then you pass it and it's like.

It's eating for two. Yeah. Not to be eating for poo. Not to be gross, but I heard the way to get rid of a tapeworm is to starve yourself and put meat on your tongue. I think that wasn't. I haven't fucking come out.

That was an urban myth. Yeah, no way is that true. All right. No way. Fuck, really. God, keep fucking imagining. I'm going to bait the bitch. I got to wait until she goes right up to the lips.

It's a full snake. It drags you in. It takes your head. You turn inside out. That's what parasite was about. Oh, thanks. Don't worry about who took the pill and who didn't. There's worm in your fucking toilet.

I've never heard of such a workplace. Quit. Yeah. The shit wouldn't fly in America. Move to North Urn or Australia. Isn't it? Yeah, that is how you would say it. North Urn.

North Urn. You did South Urn. Yeah, but instead of South, I did South. Yeah. But instead of North, it is North. It's Northern though, but not North. It's North. North.

Northish. We're like North Eastern, Western. South Urn. North Urn. I don't know what you're trying to. Are you trying to prove that you were kind of right? Yeah, like South is the only one that we sort of alter. I think Northern we alter.

Not as much as South. Not as much, but we alter it. Do we? Rose, I'm sorry you have to see this. I don't think we alter Northern. Now that you're saying it, Northern, we don't. North stays North. Now what's this?

Any of these things? Northern. It's Nor. It's Nor. Northern. Yeah, but even if you're just saying North, it's Nor. Nor. It's North or Northern.

Nor. The Nor stays the same. It's a little bit more on the Nor. Either or, it's more the Nor. Rose, I'm sorry you had to be here for that. I'm just concerned about the worms infestation. I'm still a little. Oh right, this guy's workplace.

Don't worry about accusing someone who didn't take the pills. Imagine the guy who, what are the odds that the guy that has the worms didn't take the pills? If anything, he'd be most into taking the pills. Are you taking a worm pill if you don't have worms? I wouldn't really not want to. This is illegal to offer medication to your company. Everyone has to take a worm pill?

Like I take a shit at home, there's not a worm there. So I'm not going to take this. Holy shit, why are you so anti the pill, Jake? I'm starting to think you're a worm. It starts creeping. I can see him behind your fucking uvula, it's your friend. I blink sideways. Jake's a worm, it's obvious.

Have you heard about that worm that climbs into your foot when you're walking along like a fear? I'm going to really ruin some tourist industry. That's a shoelace. No, no, no. It like goes up through your heel. No. It goes into your bloodstream.

No. And it's like along the Amazon River somewhere. Jesus, no. That sounds awful. I don't think you can take a pill for that one though. Jake, you seem like you would have that issue. Yeah, how is your heel? It's great.

Is it good? The heel's good. I love you can, you can see how supportive these shoes are. There's a good heel on them. It's a great heel. That could be your answer. That's a full-on platform. That's a, yeah, that's a fake sketcher.

Give me one more week to walk through these. It's not a sketcher. It's not a sketcher. It's not a sketcher. You wearing skitch's shape-ups? Okay, we're not doing this. You're doing a sketch, is that your workout? Okay.

You're using your platform to support platform shoes. Look at this thick, thick toe box. I'm trying to get that extra inch. Nice. You guys are six feet now. You guys, why don't you host this podcast without me from now on, huh? You would love that, right? All right, cool.

Francis and Shmoomoo. Francis and the Shmoom. It's Frank and the Shmoom. Nice. Frankie and the Shmoom! Right there, radio! Can somebody please draw a Frankie and the Shmoom poster? You're listening.

If you're listening, you're talented. I'm serious. It's Adelaide XM. I know you've got it in you guys. Frankie and the Shmoom. It's Frank and the Shmoom. Frankie and the Shmoom. All right, Rose, is there anything you want to promote?

Now that you're here, people are listening. What do you want them to do? I'm on the market for a job, so anything, any submissions would be good. Like a casting director, if they're listening. Yep. If the casting director is listening. A lot of industry people listen. All the industry folks who listen past the shit worm thing.

Yeah. And are still here. Rose is available. Yeah, know that I'm available. Yeah, no. Instagram, Twitter, TikTok. I'm not on TikTok yet, but yeah, all of the above. And I did a show, but it's actually getting its name changed right now.

So we don't know what it is yet. Yeah, I'll get back to you read that. What was the old title? Well, it's currently, I don't know if I'm allowed to say it's changing its name. Okay. I've gone too deep. All right. We've said nothing at all.

No. So no, that's my promotion. I'm working on publicity. I'm working on something I'm not allowed to talk about later. Opening theme song that my own worst enemy cover by Nick Goldston, this closing one, is an equally good cover, but kind of sad. Wish. By Splinter.

It's a tears in heaven cover. You know, the saddest song ever. Jesus Christ. Why are we doing this? It's a beautiful song, but it felt more of a closing ballad. Yeah. If you have your own theme songs or questions, submit them to IfIWereYouShow at gmail.com. More bonus video episodes on our Patreon at patreon.com slash ja.

So if you're jonesing for more, we got more for you. And we'll be back next week. Maybe it'll be me and Jake. Maybe you just want to, I don't know, we'll figure it out. I'm just saying, you won't be. Right. I know. Let's see what it's going.

Do you know my name? Would you say my name? If you read my question, did you play the game? To find my question. About being new. And sending news. Cause I'll hear these truths all.

If I were you.