If I Were You - 424: Dead Eyes (w/Connor Ratliff!)

Episode Date: March 2, 2020

Friend and fellow Headgum podcaster Connor Ratliff is in the studio discussing bowling, parents, and his new HG Original podcast "Dead Eyes!"See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Wow, Jake, did you understand what that was? Yeah, I knew every single note that is a carousel cover by the band Blink 182. That's Mark Hoppus on the bass, Tom DeLong on the shredding the guitar, Travis Barker on the drums, and a hell of a fucking song. It sounded like it was mostly music and then a little bit at the end, some lyrics. Right, well, I mean carousel, it's got the iconic opening riff that everybody knows and loves, instantly recognizable, and then the guitar riff also instantly recognizable and enjoyable.

The lyrics are secondary, but the guy did a great DeLong impression, so I would give that intro a flawless 10 out of 10 perfect intro. Connor Ratliff is here listening to you sort of wax philosophical about Blink 182. What do you think of the song? I have only a passing familiarity with Blink 182. I think I know two songs. I know all the small things. Yeah, that was a good one. I like that, and What's My Age Again.

You know more songs than that. Connor, you know Dammit. Oh no, did I just get elevated and sad as to the resident expert on Blink 182 now? Yeah, I can make you an expert. Give me the whole podcast, but I can make you an expert just like me. What other song do you think he knows that he doesn't realize that he knows? I think he knows Dammit. I think he knows, I guess this is growing up.

Did you hear? He fucked her. Fine, he knows Adam's song. Connor, you know Adam's song. I remember the time that I spilled the cup of apple juice in the hall. Come on, Connor. I don't know that song. Now, there's an interesting phenomenon that I found, which is that sometimes I'll sing a song to someone,

and they will not recognize it at all. And I feel like I'm doing a perfect rendition of it. Right. And then they'll play them the song like, oh, I know that. I'm like, what did I do different? I did exactly that song. So it may just be the unfamiliarity. I think I'm not experiencing the phenomenon,

because as I was singing Adam's song to you, I knew I was butchering it. I was like tight with fear. Here, here, I'll do it. I'll do it. Okay. Of apple juice in the hall. Please tell mom this was all her fault. It was not her fault.

Who did Stacy's mom has got it going on? That's Fountains of Wayne. Okay. Yeah. But thematically not a million miles away, right? No, it's probably the same week. That song came out the same week as this other song. It is thematically a million miles away, because Stacy's mom is about a milf.

Adam's song is about suicide. Okay, guys? Yeah. I feel like I'm being lambasted for liking Blink. I don't think so. I remember, I think there's a couple of lyrics that don't have an age well, and what's my age again? Yeah, the state looks down on Sodomy would probably be one of them.

Yeah, I mean, it's not untrue, and depending on what the state is, it could just be a commentary, but there's something about it that feels a little bit gross. I should read the email that this person wrote, which was, Jake mentioned wanting a parody of Carousel by Blink 182 for a theme song, so I recorded it quickly this morning. Yes, I've seen Blink 182 live in several concerts. You better believe that.

I do. The lyric that always stands out to me though in that song is, at the end of that, when he says, with many years ahead to fall in love, why would you wish that on me? I never want to act my age. I think I've always found that to be quietly devastating. Like, it's a funny song.

It's a funny song, I think. It's silly, yeah. It's a silly song. I think the tone of it is like this sort of jokey song, but that's a very dark sentiment to end the song on, I think. I think, maybe he says fall in love once or twice, but I think what he's saying the rest of the song is fall in line. I think the end of it is fall in love.

Wow. I don't even know if fall in line, you're right. Does he say, where's my Asian friend in the song? Or is that like a silly thing they did in concert? I guess I misread the song the whole time. I retract everything that I said. Actually, I appreciate you thinking a Blink 182 line is quietly devastating, so I sort of didn't want to take that

because they deserve that sort of reverence. No, they don't. I deserve it for my rewrite of it. I really thought that was a fall in line. I guess it's still, there's something to it, but with many years ahead to fall in love, why would you wish that on me? I thought like, oh my God, this is really owning the emotional immaturity.

That's too poignant for the... They also had a song was, it would be nice to get a blowjob from your mom. So I don't think that they deserve the... Yeah, I thought that that was quietly devastating as well. The idea that you could get head from your mom is just so... That was loudly devastating. I don't feel embarrassed that I was wrong.

I feel embarrassed for them that that wasn't the right lyric. And I feel, and I actually, it sort of ruins a song for me. To me, that was the whole ballgame was that with many years ahead to fall in love, why would you wish that on me? I thought, oh my God, this is really powerful stuff. Fall in line, oh, okay, it's just a little bit of anti-authoritarian rebellion.

Okay, great. It's just about being immature really. Par for the course. Conor Ratliff, new headgum podcaster. Yes. Host and, I guess, brain behind. Dead eyes. Subject of...

Yeah, so everything. Any assignment you can give to dead eyes. Yeah, speaking of things that are quietly devastating. Yeah. Do you have an elevator pitch for dead eyes for some of our audience that maybe isn't aware? Yeah. I was in...

I was cast in a small role in Band of Brothers, the HBO miniseries the day before. I was supposed to film my scenes. Tom Hanks, who was set to direct the episode, looked at my audition tape and I got a call saying, you have to re-audition for Tom Hanks. He saw your tape. He thinks you have dead eyes.

And so I re-auditioned for Tom Hanks. It was immediately fired. And this podcast is an exploration of that. I'll show you, Hanks. Well, it's an exploration from 20 years later. Yeah. Trying to figure out exactly what happened. I saw one person saw like, you know what happened?

You had dead eyes and you got fired. That's what happened. But I think there's already more to it than that. The casting director told you. Well, the casting director actually told me that they've decided to go another way. They're going to go with a more military type. No one directly in the casting process said,

you have dead eyes, you have to leave. The message was relayed to me by someone who worked for my agent at the time saying, you got to get down to London and re-audition right now. It's funny, by the time they fired you, they found a better way to say it. They're like, come in on audition again. Tom Hanks thinks you have dead eyes.

I think it was... And then when you get fired, they weren't like, we found someone with more lively eyes. They were like, we found a more military type. The people in the process probably never intended that message to make it all the way to me. Yeah, totally. And it's possible there was also a game of telephone going on

where by the time the agents assistant was on the phone with me, this is part of what the podcast is looking to... Tom Hanks actually said you have ready thighs. Oh, and by the time it got to... What if he was tired from flying to London and he was like, I have dead eyes. I'd like to meet this guy in person.

No one has ever posited that through, but he was... When I met him for the re-audition, he was in the middle of filming Castaway and he was near the end where his character is completely emaciated. I didn't know about that, so it was already like I walk in the room

and I saw what looks like a dying man. Right, like six on Hanks. Yeah, like... And so, you know, there are... It may be that the resolution of this mystery is that it just confirms what I've always been told, but I also was told two different things. Yeah, right.

And when I told the... I talked to the actor who replaced me in the role and he had his own story of what had happened and how he got the role. Yeah, it's very like a serial, something insanely inconsequential. Yeah. It's funny because it's exploring the way

very small things can be very important to very few people. That's right. But everybody has those kind of experiences where it's like an embarrassing experience that you're the only one who really cares about it. Everyone else just moves on, but you just keep dwelling on it.

Just like Adam Conover said, nobody in the story thought about it ever again for the rest of their lives. But this podcast is also... You know, it's like the act of observing a thing changes it. This podcast means that people are thinking about it.

More people are thinking about it now than ever thought about it when it was happening. You're getting like critical acclaim for this stuff. There was like a Guardian News magazine article written about it. The Guardian in the print edition. To me, I was like, it's great when I get a digital write up,

but when a digital thing gets written about in print, well, now you really mean it. It's written on ink. It wasn't just in their podcast section. It was like, what to do this weekend? You can watch the new season of Better Call Saul and you can watch Dead Eyes. Those were the top two things they led with.

I thought, well, that's very interesting. You see the Alan Seppenwall tweet saying it was his favorite podcast of the year. Well, he's going to do the podcast. He's sort of a Band of Brothers authority. Like among critics, he's like one of the go-to critics for that. He's going to come on and talk.

That's awesome. Wow. You should do your scene for him, too. He did monologues at Ascat at UCB in New York. I mentioned this. This was before the podcast had even come out and I said, oh, I'm doing this thing.

I mentioned Private Zelinsky. He says, oh, I know who Private Zelinsky is. He was familiar at a level of he knows the character's names for people who appear in one scene of Band of Brothers. That's amazing. Our connection to you was through Ben Schwartz.

Ben Schwartz who's done improv with you recommended the pilot that you had made. I was having no luck. No one would even... I was going to continue this podcast no matter what, but I wanted to do it well because I knew it was a good idea.

I thought it would be a shame if I had to just record this on my cell phone. It would be the worst sounding podcast in history. It'll be sloppy and I'll have no one helping me make it good. And I couldn't get anybody even to email me back.

I was having such trouble and then I think I tweeted something miserable or something where I was like, oh, anyone know how to get a podcast to keep going? And Ben texted me and was like, do you want me to text Jake and Amir? I was like, absolutely. Yes, I would love that. And then we were talking

and you guys were immediately receptive but I'm not used to it. Fortunately, Ben told us about it and now your work with Mike, our engineer in New York makes it sound so legitimate. Shout out to Mike and Harry who like...

It sounds like a podcast that was produced with like 14 producers on Gimlet. It sounds so good. The amount of detail that Mike and Harry go into... I get these emails from Mike and they're just like 100

time codes in a row. And the notes will be things like small coffee or we can cut that. It'll be like, we can cut from 02 to 05. There's a little bit of it. And I have to re-listen following along with the chart

to be like, I don't know what any of these moments are. But he has such a detailed ear and his instincts are impeccable in terms of... We don't need to hear that. Sometimes I find myself... I'll write like five pages of text and I'll feel like it's essential.

And then the cut of the episode will come back and that will be gone. And I'll be like, what happened to all that? And then I'll realize, oh, none of it was necessary. I'll be like, oh, you need good people to be able to tell you like, you know, you don't need... No one needs to know this. And I'm like, oh, right.

I needed to say it. No one needed to hear it. You trusted your editor. Well, it's really awesome. You know, online? Yeah. And the next two that are coming up, I think, are maybe the two craziest episodes. Whoa. Awesome. And would you say the goal is to reach Mr. Hanks himself

or regardless of what happens? That is a goal. But I... When I was pitching this around, there was some of the feedback that I got from the pilot was that, how would this go beyond a fourth episode? Like, what is this? My response was, here are 20 ideas for episodes.

And so I have like... I have a long... I have a long list of goals I want for it. And they include that. But if that doesn't happen, you have to... You have to plan your escape routes correctly.

I always feel like any idea that I have, like, you want to know that, like, if I can't leave the way I came in, is there another way I'm just building? And so, like, ideally you just come back out through the way you came in. But if there's a... If we don't arrive at that destination, I'm confident there are other destinations

that we will satisfy. We will... I think I'm in it for the long haul. And I also... It's episode 5 of 80. At least the David Schwimmer cameo. I mean, we've got to get a Schwimmer on there.

Oh, you know, there's already one... I'm not going to say who it is. There's already one secret cameo in every episode. Oh, wow. I don't even know if you guys know who it is. Will you bleep it if I say it? Okay. The announcer at the top of the episode

is... What? Yeah, I always wondered who that was. Yeah, but we never want to say it because it's just more fun if nobody knows. How was that? How did you... I'm friendly with her and at one point... I mean, I don't know her that well, but I

asked, hey, would you read this sentence for a podcast I'm doing. And she's like, absolutely. I don't know if I'll ever say it, but I feel like it's more fun to not say it. Interesting. Some people have guessed it, and I just respond with my little dead eyes emojis,

which is its own form of non-denial denial. It's not the eyes emojis looking to the left. But I do think if we don't get Tom Hanks eventually, I think there's other... Even if we do get Tom Hanks, I don't know if that's necessarily the end, because I think this is also... I think Tom Hanks firing me is kind of like

the who killed Laura Palmer of it, and the podcast is Twin Peaks. There's also The Town. There's also just this world of failure, and there's already other stories that we're starting to weave into that are sort of spinning off into little tangents. I think Ben knows Hanks.

Is that safe to say? Ben is going to be on an episode at some point. He has some sort of semi-relationship. I don't want to blow it here, but he has a fun thing that he's like, you know I have this. I'm like, yeah, it's in my notes in my phone for when I talk to you. But I did...

I've had a thing a couple of times recently in New York, a very bad thing where... I mean, not very bad, but it feels bad where someone's waving at you, and then you wave back, and then you realize they're waving at someone just past you. But you've already full-on responded like, hey! And it's happened to me so many times,

and there's no way to recover from that. You're just a person who's like... You can lay beyond or stretch, scratch your ear. I've done it to the point where all you can kind of do is just stand there and look like, oh, you don't know me. I've stood next to him while the two other people, like, trapped at like a traffic light.

You almost have to apologize at that point. Yeah, just like, I don't know what I was thinking. I thought maybe I knew you and forgotten you. So this is what happened with Ben? Well, Ben was like gesturing like, oh my god, and I had peripheral view of him, but I was like, I'm not going to fall for this. And so I sort of actively avoided looking

at him until he was like... You aired on the side of caution. And that was embarrassing, so now I'm back to... There's no happy medium. Now I saw you when you were walking in here waving to everybody. Yeah, just gotta be... Yeah, I'm everybody's friend now. All right, this is, if I were you,

Advice Show. Jake and I get emails from people. Sometimes it's just us answering questions. Sometimes we have a guest, so I'm glad you're here. Maybe you can help shed some light, have some wisdom that me and Jake wouldn't necessarily have. What we do is answer these real questions

from real people. We're going to give them fake names just so they were named anonymous. Kind of like the lady at the top of your episodes. Yeah. So what name do you want to call this male writer? 24-year-old guy from Austin, Texas. Ray.

That's good. Ray writes. I'm a 24-year-old guy from Austin, Texas, and I'm in a bit of a sticky situation. Since I left university, work has taken over my life, and I've lost connections with a lot of friends. However, recently a couple of old acquaintances have moved here with their significant others.

We have messaged a bit on social media about hanging out sometime soon to get back in touch, but here comes my situation. I don't drink anymore. Long story. What do you do for fun with people you aren't very close with that doesn't involve drinking?

How do I find something that everyone will enjoy? This all feels like a first date except for friendship, and I don't want to end up being awkward. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated. P.S. come back to Austin. That's for you too. You have to go back to Austin now too. I'll happily go back to Austin.

Do you drink or are you a non-drinker? I'm a non-drinker. There we go. It's funny because when you say that, people assume like a dark history or something. I just don't like it. I'm so sorry. Well, often I find it easy to be a non-drinker

because when you tell people I don't drink, people tend to, in this day and age, most people will back off. They're just not asked. They don't want to get into it. What's the matter? You're some kind of lightweight? Yeah. I have cultivated my life where I never have

to interact with someone whose response is that. He's punching you in the stomach. All bullies from high school. It's like, oh, I don't associate with them as adults. Yeah. I haven't been not tapped in 10 years, thank God. I...

I do think, like, I've only been drunk to get drunk a couple of times. The last time I did it was for the Chris Gathard show. In your life? Yeah, you can watch a video of what it's like when I'm drunk. I've been drunk, like, maybe three times. What is it like? And I get very emotional.

Basically, Chris Gathard assigned me to host a bachelor party for three people who are going to be married on the show. And they gave me a $100 budget for three men's bachelor parties. And they were all like comedy nerds. And so I bought alcohol for... None of them drank, so I bought alcohol

for me to drink. Okay. And then I got them like Domino's Pizza and I hired some improvisers to do just two prof in front of them. And the... But I got very drunk and I started talking to them about life and being very philosophical

and very emotional. I think the way to avoid... I think in this, in Ray's situation, the first word that popped into my head was restaurant. Because of Ray, the R. R for restaurants. But it also just seems like just go to a diner. Go to a... There's lots of cool...

A barbecue. Go to Austin. Food truck. Have a picnic. There's so much fun to do in Austin. And I also think that unless it's a situation where the temptation is I can't be near... I can't be in a bar or I can't be near alcohol. If it's something like that where you're like,

I don't want to put myself in the path of it. Because some people have that where it's like the adults are while everyone else is getting drunk. But I think go to a movie and then afterwards go to a pizza place or go get Mexican food. It's just like...

There's plenty of fun things that... It won't be awkward if you don't... Just try to put that thought out of your mind that it's going to be awkward. They're just people. They like you. You like them. Especially because it sounds like they all just moved to Austin. And you're like the resident

local Austin expert. So if anything, you can suggest something that's something you can only do in Austin. Let's go hang out at a secondhand shout. Let's go like browse the... There's a lot of fun stories you can hang out. That's right.

If they are the type who... Oh, this is like real professional advice. If they are the type who have a problem with you not drinking, then you don't want to be friends with them anymore. You sound like a lame dad. I really do. Honestly, it's just true. It's always been...

I guess I was never cool, but honestly, I went through six months of being a bad teenager to my parents and I realized that my parents were just two very nice people who cared about me. I was like, why am I asking them to drop me off a block away so that all the people who are unpleasant

who are my age won't think bad? I'm like, I'm glad I have good parents. I don't care what anybody thinks. Do you reach that conclusion as a teenager? I saw anybody get dropped off by their parents when they were coming to my house. They would get nut tapped as soon as they walked in. And they would deserve it

because they were being herbed. And I often had to nut tap myself when no one else called me out when my mom would drop me off. I remember once we were doing a comedy show in New York, I think, and some nervous 16 to 18-year-old lady was like, hey, thank you so much. I'm such a big fan.

And then a car was honking like, Eliza, let's go. Shut up. You're embarrassing me. And so I leaned into it. I'm like, that's your fucking mom? You get picked up by your mom? Hey, everybody. Eliza gets picked up.

You shoved her into a puddle. How embarrassing is it that you get picked up by your mother who cares about you? Good luck getting home. I bet she drives safe. Right. How badly you do need that ride? Yeah.

The most embarrassing thing as a teenager was when your mom picked you up or made you lunch. Was your private chauffeur or something? The embarrassing thing was that they existed. So it was like, shit, my mom or my dad is in public. Someone's going to look at them.

I have no idea why that embarrassed me. But I was like, shit, they'll see my dad. They can't know I have one of those. The coolest person on earth has no parents. And it's the cool orphanate school who has a fucking leather jacket. It's fucking Rufio. He never gets picked up.

I'm walking home. That's awesome, Rufio. And eating out of a trash can. So restaurants, music venues, thrift shops, literally everything but a bar. This would be much more problematic if you didn't live in a really cool place

with lots of fun stuff to do. Go to a sporting event. You can always go bowling. You can always go bowling. Yeah, and I was worried that this was going to get stickier, this question. But I think this is one that we've really solved.

All right, great. Let's take a break. We'll thank some sponsors to come back with some maybe stickier questions. For Connor, after this. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire

Head Gum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech-savvy family member that you need a gift for soon,

these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah, for me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents.

Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into

my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma. She was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant.

Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit. Like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or

something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my god. Jill's grandma is 90 pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with the digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you.

The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or

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And we are back. Connor, do you have any? Oh, it's a left through device. Music Mom, I'm coming. Gross. Unsolicited advice. Sorry about the whole

mom, I'm coming part. No, that's fine. Yes. And this is just a small piece of practical advice. And I think this is mostly maybe for men, but it could be for anybody. Next time you're in a

pharmacy or drugstore, someplace that sells Band-Aids. Yes. Biobox Band-Aids. Okay. Immediately take two or three of them out, put them in your wallet. And then just forget about it. Wallet Band-Aids. And, you know, take the other Band-Aids home, throw them in the cabinet, in the

bathroom, whatever it is. They'll never need those Band-Aids. The Band-Aids, you might need them. You might need them. To replace the Wallet Band-Aids. To replace the Wallet Band-Aids. But the Wallet Band-Aid is key because once this happens, you will start noticing circumstances in your life that people are like, does anyone have a Band-Aid?

And you will be the person in the room. I need one here. I got a cut right here. I'm always needing a Band-Aid. And it happened to me. I did it. I don't know why I did it originally. But I thought, I'll just put these. They don't take up any room in my wallet. I put them in my wallet. They're thin. And then I was

out with a friend of mine who had a young child and the kid fell and he needed a Band-Aid. He had everything, but he didn't have a Band-Aid. Wow. And I had a Band-Aid. And he looked at me like I was something out of a Harry Potter. You're the savior. No, I was just a wizard. I was at a concert a week later. Okay. The lead singer cut his hand

in the middle of the concert. Does anybody have a Band-Aid? I'll let you have my guitar for a Band-Aid. This was in Williamsburg in New York City. Not Colonial. 1967. And

I hate Ashbury. Hendricks was on guitar. No, this guy was like, does anybody have a Band-Aid? And I announced I have a Band-Aid. And it was like the C parted. Everyone was like, whoa.

Because you brought a Band-Aid to a rock and roll venue. Just that I had one. And people were genuinely amazed because like, why do you have a Band-Aid? I'm like, I always have a Band-Aid. That's very practical advice. And time and time again,

I have needed it, but more importantly, other people have needed it. You could be a little savior. And it doesn't take any effort at all. It's this minimal amount of effort and you are very helpful because when you need a Band-Aid, you need a Band-Aid. Blood. Blood. So I'm going to put you on the spot. Let's see your Wallet Band-Aid.

He's taking out his Wallet. He's showing me the Wallet. It's a Snoopy Wallet. He's rifling. He only has $2 bills. Boom. Band-Aid. One Band-Aid. Oh my God. And a stamp. And a Forever Stamp. You're just the most practical, helpful person. I didn't even know that was in there.

Two Band-Aids. At some point I put a Forever Stamp in there. Hell yeah. You can ship a Band-Aid. Thanks to you. I'm going to take an envelope downstairs. Take your stamp. Put a Band-Aid in it. Send it to my house. This is a variant piece of advice.

But yeah. Get a Band-Aid. Get an envelope. Get a stamp. Mail it to someone you care about. With a little note saying, put it in your wallet. That way they don't have to go through the effort of going to the store and buying the box of Band-Aids. I realize for a lot of people it's a heavy lift. It's also the kind of thing you'll hear,

but then forget about it anytime you're in a store that sells Band-Aids. But you'll remember it in other circumstances. Like, oh, I never did that. But if you mail someone a single Band-Aid, or it's the same shipping with a Forever Stamp, send three Band-Aids.

You can actually put the stamp on the Band-Aid. Because the little white thing that it comes in is technically an envelope. You just have to write a really small address on the Band-Aid. They have to ship it. Would they ship just a loose stamp? I used to... They have to.

I was at a summer camp once and I was sending postcards to my best friend, and they were all joke postcards, but one of them I intentionally... I kept seeing what I could get sent. At one point I tore a postcard, so it was just the little corner of the postcard,

but I kept the part with the stamp, and I wrote the postcard to see if it was like, help, I need something as a tag, and it made it look like an animal and every weird piece of mail I sent him arrived in another envelope with an apologetic note from the post office about we're so sorry that this mail got damaged.

It happens from time to time. But at one point I did mail something that was literally a postage stamp, sized piece of thing, and then I wrote the address on the other side of it, and it made it in the mail. But it arrived in a baggie. It arrived like...

So they put it in a baggie for you? Yes. Write your address on the back of a stamp. They'll have to ship it. In theory. In theory. Everyone should try it. That's your other piece of unsolicited advice. That one's just a fun little joke that you can play on society.

Sometimes I imagine if I put a sticker on an envelope, well, that gets sent. Are they making sure that that's stamp? Because some stamps don't look like stamps. They just look like stickers. You write a sticker that says forever. Yeah. Can you make that? Is that legal to make stickers

like an American flag sticker? I would say that we should not give this as advice because it sounds like a felony. Very good. It sounds like mail fraud. That was a test? Yeah. I won't advise breaking the law. The cops can leave the studio. All right, we all...

That was a sting operation, Connor. You guys blew it. You'll never get me. Let's see if this is a sticky enough situation for you. This is a man from Iowa. Where are you from? I'm from Iowa. In my mind, same state.

Let's call him Merle. I like that. It's a girl. A girl named Merle. I need a little help. I'm a 25-year-old girl from... I don't know why I said Iowa. Oh, yes, I do.

She's from Canada, but her boyfriend is moving to Iowa. He's from the states. Let's call him Merle. I've been dating him for three years. He's going to grad school in the fall to Iowa State. Because he got a scholarship. I'm debating whether or not to go to because I've always wanted to get my MBA

and they have a decent business school there. But Iowa is like super frickin' random. It is weird... Is it weird or sad for me to select a business school just because my boyfriend is going there? It's not like undergrad where you have to find yourself or whatever, right? I definitely wouldn't select Iowa

if I was single and going to grad school. So is it bad for me to choose it because he's going there? I'm confident that our relationship will last, but on the off chance it doesn't. I'm just going to have to live in Iowa and we'll obviously run into each other in Iowa, right? That's obviously a worst case scenario,

but that would really suck. One must also keep in mind that the favorable cost reduction that involved going to the same grad school in Iowa, cheaper tuition, cheaper rent, etc. Also, PS, he wants me to come. I'm not just inviting myself on his grad school journey. That's good.

Would you move to Iowa for someone? This is a tough one. It sounds like she really doesn't want to move to Iowa. Iowa State, where is that? I don't know. Jake, do you know Iowa State? It looks to be about an hour outside of Des Moines. Oh wow, so it's not even Des Moines.

I'm going to look at it on the map. Oh no, sorry, half an hour outside of Des Moines. I mean, it's basically Des Moines. But I mean, Iowa City is kind of the more fun one. Yeah, that's like the cool... That's the Austin of Iowa. Yeah, University of Iowa. That's that Iowa City shit.

That's where you want to be. It would be sad to move to Iowa for someone. Then you guys break up and now you just live in Iowa. I think Iowa State is probably a fun school. It's really big. And I mean, it's also not sad to do something that would make you happy. Like to go to the same school as your boyfriend

wouldn't be a sad one. It's not sad to make you happy. There's the Christian Peterson Art Museum. There's the Farmhouse Museum. That's just two that you Googled right off the bat. Is there bowling? Do they have a bowling lane? There's always bowling.

You can always go bowling. You said business? The Ivy College of Business? I don't know. Looks like there's a lake and a Starbucks and a pizza shop near the lake. Jeff's Pizza Shop? What else do you need? How's the weather in Iowa? You lived in Missouri.

I think you get four full seasons there except for maybe nowadays. Yeah, now it's what? Now it's just summer all the time. Fucking global climate warming bullshit. I'd be wary. I mean, if you have these doubts

if you think the relationship is strong is it strong enough to survive remaining long distance? That's very strong. For another two years. But there are these doubts as far as like wanting to she knows what she wants to do

she wouldn't choose Iowa otherwise. On some level, I think sometimes these are questions we know the answer to because it is just like which is more important to you. Right. It sounds like she doesn't have well, there are some doubts

built into that question of she's speculating about a possible future where they live in Iowa and they're no longer and she's stuck in Iowa. Of course. But that's the worst case scenario. The best case scenario is that she grows away for an even more because they live together in such an isolated state.

Higher risk, higher award. And she's in Canada right now. Which is sort of the Iowa of countries. What a random place. I'll be honest and I don't know if this is good advice. But if I lived in Canada I wouldn't move to Iowa. Interesting.

If I lived in Canada I wouldn't leave Canada. Because you're already in Canada. Yeah, I'm already in Canada. That's great. If I lived in Vancouver, Montreal or Toronto I wouldn't leave Canada. And if I lived anywhere else I'd move to Iowa. If you lived in Edmonton

you wouldn't say Edmonton. I'd fuck with Edmonton and I'd fuck with Calgary. Winnipeg I'd I'd stand Winnipeg. So you're just saying you wouldn't live in the wilderness. I'd live in the wilderness. Because I feel like you can do the same thing in Iowa. I'd live in Des Moines or Iowa City

but I wouldn't just live in Iowa. But I do think that there's I don't know. It's not that hard to do a year of business school. If it's not going well, if you don't like it you can just you can murk out. She can give it a shot.

Transfer. She doesn't have to stay there. Take it one year at a time. So you're saying try and I'm saying don't try. I'll be the tie breaking vote. And I think you do go to Iowa but you're ready to leave at the drop of a hat.

Buy a hat. Buy a hat and make it clear that at the drop of that hat you're out the door. Make the metaphor literal. You can always go bowling. Actually let's verify that. While you verify that

I just wanted to say if you do end up going to Iowa get a bandaid put a bandaid in your purse for the love of God. Bandaid please. Where do you keep the neosporin? You got the bandaid, where you got the neosporin? Is that like in your back pocket the whole time?

I never have a neosporin. That's something you deal with when you get to a second location. Love that. It's really cool. You're looking at bowling alleys near Iowa State. Yeah. So far I've seen the Iowa State bowling association but that's in Des Moines.

Yeah that's totally different. And honestly not worth the 30 minute drive. Yeah. While you look that up I'm going to say once again dead eyes on head gum. You can listen to the first five episodes at headgum.com or really anywhere everywhere you listen to your podcast.

We're not here to tell you where to listen. You can listen on Spotify, Apple, one of these third party apps. It's all good because it's all a head gum. There's a place called Underground. And? It's in Ames, Iowa and it looks really fun. Ames sounds fun. That's where Iowa State is.

There's a lot of stars out of five with 17 reviews. Wow. So there's something going on there. And it's going to be so fun and cheap and affordable it'll be like $3 bowling. Yeah that's right. That's just how much it costs here in Iowa. You can always go bowling.

If you want to write in your own theme songs or questions send them to IfIWereYouShow at gmail.com. That opening one Nick Payne was Jake's favorite the Blink 182 song. This closing one is by Jake Morrill He should move to Iowa. It would be great if you could plug my music on Spotify

which you can find by searching Joy Captain. This is a really good theme song actually. Cool. It's a good name. Thanks Jake for writing in. Thanks Nick for writing in. Thanks for coming to LA Connor. It's so great to be here. I love seeing a head comes offices here. Yeah and keep making those dead eyes

because I'm on the edge of my seat. Literally right now I'm on the edge of my seat. We both are. It's just comfortable to be there. We'll get it out and of course we'll be back next week. Oh is there anything else you want to plug? Twitter, Instagram, social media handles how do people find you?

At Connor Ratliff on Twitter. You can also come see me most weeks at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in New York City. Hell yeah. Thanks again Connor. Thank you. See you guys soon enough. Bye everybody. Ciao. Thank you.

That was a hit gum podcast.