If I Were You - 428: Masks and Bananas (w/Jeff and Pat!)

Episode Date: March 30, 2020

In this episode we discuss our self-isolation woes, then call some old friends, Jeff Rubin and Pat Cassels, to see how they're doing. We may even get to a question at the end...For more IF I WERE YOU check out our Patreon.com/JA for bonus Thursday video episodes.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. I need advice from if I were you, show my gmail.com. I'm in a sticky situation. This cheese needs seasoning. Every relationship is perfect every time, except that time is not. John Wolfe is always meddling, pruning things but it's not against the law. Jave's really good at texting, and I'm here in the chipmunk. Will you listen? Yes, bad advice. Just email if I were you, show my gmail.com. No. Thoughts? I thought that was such a good Tom DeLong impression that at first I was like, is this a parody or is this Tom DeLong? Wow.

Yeah, high praise because Tom DeLong has probably the best voice in the modern era. I think it's iconic, it's demonic, and it's melodic. Do you do a good DeLong? Where are you? I think I could. I think I got a good DeLong. So obviously that's a cover of I Miss You by Blink182. This guy writes in Alex, I'm probably a bigger fan of them than Jake. I've never recorded myself singing before, but after I play a few instruments, so I was like, what the heck not? Go ahead and make fun of me. I have nothing to promote, but maybe you can give a shout out to my girlfriend's puppy, Lena. You guys have been keeping me entertained for 10 years.

Alright, shout out to Lena. How are you? Where are you? This is episode three of our little quarantine pod, so I thought I would check in. When are we? Last time we recorded, had I gone upstate? No, you were saying you were heading upstate, but you hadn't hit upstate yet. Yes, I am now upstate. I am in Woodstock, New York. This is Sunday, March 29th. Time has no meaning. I will tell you that being upstate drastically improved my spirits. Okay, so you were suffering a little like quarantine mania madness. You were stuck in a box afraid to go outside and you said,

I'm a big bird. I need to spread my wings and you finally went to Woodstock. You got an Airbnb? Yeah, it felt like when I was at home, it felt like I had manic depression or something. I had a lot of energy, but I was sad. I had no drive to do anything to improve my mood, but then also I had a lot of energy that I wasn't using. It was a weird time. It was depression. I look at what depression is and it's basically everything that we've been feeling to some extent for the last two weeks. I think I heard somewhere that there was some article. I heard somewhere there was an article about just that we are all collectively going through grief, and that makes a ton of sense. Yeah, everything has changed, but it's weird that it's everybody at the same time.

Yeah, and that's I guess the interesting. I don't know. That's one sort of nice aspect of it. Yeah, we're all grieving together. What are all the stages? It feels like I had them all. Denial, certainly, where I was just like, no, no, we're going to keep on living our lives normal. I can still go to a restaurant, right? I can always get a sandwich. I kept on imagining just how I wish we could go back in time and just fix stuff. Anger. I was so mad when they were passing that stimulus bill and they were putting protections in there for corporations with no oversight or something. Yeah.

I was very, very angry. Do you hate watch these press conferences? Not all of them anymore. Really, being in New York felt like I was in the center of the storm, and being up here, I still feel sad about the state of the world, but I feel a little bit less like it's happening to me, and I'm surrounded by very acute suffering, and up here it's just way more remote. There's not people everywhere. It's been oddly calming and nice. Yeah, New York kind of is the epicenter as of now of COVID-19. So you were just in a bubble, a pressure cooker of anxiety in your little apartment.

You're like, if I leave, then I'm instantly swept up in it. Right. Yeah, so I guess it's weird because it's weird to be like, I think I was a victim of it, because I definitely didn't have it nearly as bad as lots of other people. People like lost their jobs, people got sick, people lost loved ones, but still being in the center of all of the, I don't know, it just felt very freaky to be there, and it was not fun. No, I was going to say you actually felt unhealthy. Yeah, oh yeah, there's a world where I think maybe Jill and I had it.

Did you read that stuff about people that had it lost their sense of smell and taste? So I can't smell. Is that good? Is it fine to be clogged? I think that's also a symptom of a head cold, which is still what I think I had. Yeah, there's lots of overlapping symptoms where it's like fatigue. It's like, yeah, everyone is tired right now because we're all stressed and closed and not burning any energy and not being outside.

So it's hard to say what's fatigue from coronavirus and what's fatigue from like coronavirus induced depression and anxiety. Yeah, we all feel sick and some of us have the coronavirus, but we still can't test for it that easily. Yeah, it seems like one of the biggest indicators is the fevers, the chills, the body aches, like that level of fluid symptoms. Yeah, that is... Did you avoid that or did you have that?

We know, we had no fevers and no chills. I definitely felt achy though. I mean, we're soon finding like testing is getting better and better. I'm already reading stuff about like labs, like creating tests that can give you fairly accurate results in 15 minutes. That's going to be like a game changer. That's great, yeah. I still want that test that will tell me if I had it

because that would just be a real game changer for me. That's my selfish test that I want. Yeah, my most recent thing is watching videos of doctors explaining to me how to put away groceries and put away takeout. It's like, forget everything you knew about everything. Now you have to learn new rules to this game of life. And did I mention you have to soak your oranges and bananas now? That's crazy.

Wait, what do you do to wash your oranges and bananas? I haven't, but what I should be doing is dunking them in lukewarm, mildly soapy water to disinfect them as much as possible. Of course, for everything that you read and everything that you see, there's a follow-up video two days later by somebody else. Actually, I'm a specific food microbiologist and you're not supposed to use soap. Actually, I'm an orange micro-physicist and you should be using soap. So it's like, how these rules change every fucking 25 minutes and I can't keep up.

The food micro-physicist person that studied the effect of soap on an orange, really, like, why on earth do they get a time to shine? How far have we fallen as a society that the guy that studied the soaps on oranges is like, all right, I guess I'm important. I put up a Twitter poll. I'm like, are you guys washing the outside of your bananas before you peel them? Almost like nobody's really doing this, right? And it's like 25% of people.

I mean, we wash and we try to sterilize our groceries. Are you not doing anything? I'm not sucking on the box that things come in. So I'll get weathens from Amazon and then I'm not instantly chewing on the outside like I used to. Right, that's good. Okay, as long as you're not licking the box. But you might want to just try a disinfectant wipe on the stuff, too. You have a disinfectant wipe?

That's liquid gold, brother. I'll meet you in Kansas City, brother. Come alone. Oh, shit, they're tracing Zencaster. How has your life been? Life is, you know, we're getting used to this new routine, which is slightly better than living in constant fear and dread and the unknown. So I guess we're more comfortable in this new regime of not leaving the house very much, ordering groceries online. We're preparing a lot of food more so than we used to.

So that's been nice. It's given us time to organize kitchens and living rooms and offices. So that's been good, too. There's some positives. Have you done some home projects? We've basically Marie condoed the kitchen, which was a big project. That's cool. Yeah, a lot of dusty soy sauce bottles from 2017 in the back of a pantry that has now been discarded.

That was a good year. That was really cool. You could go to a concert. Damn. Remember eating food family style at restaurants? Remember restaurants. So cool. Just like going into a cafe.

Yeah. Damn. What do you miss the most from Old World Brothers? I really, I do miss, I miss like seeing people and not feeling like people that I saw. It really feels like a zombie movie sometimes where you're like, you see people and you can't just be like, oh, good. It feels a little bit more like there's more of a community online than in the wild. Because when you see someone in the wild, you're like, they might be sick. They think I'm sick.

We can't. We're enemies. Yeah. Like a lot of like my real human interaction has been like skittish, fearful, full of mistrust. And online is way more like lots of beautiful things are happening. And I think that's really nice. Yeah. Have you coughed in a grocery store?

God, no. I would be so fucking nervous to do that. Have you gone to masks and gloves yet? Yeah. The grocery store upstate won't let you in without masking gloves. That's cool. So you guys, how did you guys get masks and gloves? Well, they have gloves outside and my sister also had gloves and Jill has like, I mean,

they're not like the medical masks. They're just like basically scarves and stuff. But that's acceptable for the grocery store. Yeah. I wonder if this thing will end in a specific like time. Like, all right, it's whatever fucking September 19th. And now you can go outside again. Is it like everyone's going to like rush out into the street?

Like a prison's been open for everyone? Or is it like a slow, weird reintroduction where restaurants are still closed because not a lot of them could afford taking five months off? That's what my brother's been fantasizing about is like, you know that like World War poster with what's got the sailor kissing the nurse or whatever. Yeah. Like pieces declared, everybody pours into the streets. We're all happy.

Like, I think he's thinking or imagining the world just being like cured and open for business again. I love that idea. I wish that would happen, but I feel like it's going to be a really slow, slow, painful rollout where like we're allowed to open offices again, but people are still really freaked out by them. So you can go to work, but you have to like have all of these crazy strict sanitation measures and sterilization procedures or whatever.

Yeah. So it's like they open the world, but with a ton of fucking rules and it's going to feel stressful and sad. Yeah. There's no victory day with this disease. It's not like we ever beat the flu either. There's no end to cyclical seasonal diseases, which this might be. That would be truly insane if just every February and March we all self-quarantine.

Yeah. I don't understand. God damn, what a sad fucking world that would be. Well, that's what they're saying. They're like, we might have to like go through phases of self-quarantine until we get to a vaccine and then okay, once we have a vaccine, then what happens? Do we all just carte blanche open the floodgates again? We're not going to go all the way down to zero.

We're just going to be like, all right, we're down to a few hundred cases in California. All right, that's where we were March 5th and we had to self-quarantine then. So at what point can we walk outside and firmly handshake a stranger? Yeah, I don't know. It seems like this is maybe going to like realign a lot of people's like habits and social norms. It feels like even if they're like, hey, everything's fine. First of all, I don't think they're ever going to be like, hey, everything's fine.

They're going to be like, the risk is way lower now, so we're going to go outside. But if that's the message, then you don't like run into someone's arms. You're like, hey, we're allowed to talk to each other. This is pretty cool. Three feet. That's enough. Let's not get much closer than that. Not even a hug, but like you're out on a walk and you run to Jill's friend and there

and her new boyfriend, you shouldn't shake his hand, I guess. Yeah. I think shaking hands might become like, oh, the thing of the past. Yeah. Pre-corona times, we used to shake strangers' hands. Papa, that's so weird. I know, but that's just what we did. You haven't touched me ever, Papa.

I don't want to hurt you. There's so many sad images of doctors coming home and urging their toddlers not to run into their arms because they're still contaminated until they shed their clothes and take a shower. Brutal. That's so sad. I have a friend that's a nurse in New Haven and she just had to move out of her house. She's staying in a beach house away from her family. Jesus Christ.

These aren't truly like- Which sounds awesome. Somebody mentioned that the new soldiers were what nurses and doctors are now. These are the people who are battling the front lines. Literally risking their lives. I watched Outbreak last night. Have you seen it? Yeah.

It might have been in the first rated R movie I saw in theaters. I was like 14. It came out in like 97, right? I think 97 or 95 or something like that. Yeah. Oh, maybe it was 97. Yeah. And then did you see Contagion as well?

I have not watched that one yet. Ooh. That one is really real. Yeah. Outbreak. I've never seen it before. I just imagined that it was like a global outbreak, but it's like- It all takes place in a tiny little town.

Right. So Contagion is a worldwide pandemic and it's like a mortality rate of 50%. It's something crazy. Oh, damn. That's, yeah. I should definitely watch Contagion. Contagion is so scary. It's like where we'll be.

It's like where we'll be in two weeks. That's how scary it is. Jesus Christ. It's so freaky. It's like legit America in April level. Shit. Like it's really fucked up. All right.

Maybe I won't watch it. It like gets to the point where it'll almost be where we will be in May. Like it like really goes there. Like some of the shit I couldn't believe they showed on in the film. It was so dark. Because it looks like the news will be in April. I know. Yeah.

It almost looks like the news except for the leader is competent. Oh yeah. God, that's the other thing that none of the mo- Like all those crazy movies didn't get to add. Yeah. All the movies have a leader that's like we're doing our best. We're struggling, but under my guidance we can get there. And then in actual reality this guy's like I'll say silly things on TV, but look the ratings are up.

Look how many people watch this shit. It's fucking awesome. I'll chastise the reporter. Okay. This is so sick. So many people are tuning into my fat ass because I'll say shit like I want to be opened by Easter. The more I lie the more people tune in. That's good.

The rating is going up too. I guess I'll double down on everything. Why does he deserve that? Why do we deserve that? I guess we live in the country that created that. So we deserve it too. This is my fault is what I'm trying to say. You shouldn't have voted for the guy.

I'm really starting to feel like you shouldn't have voted for the guy. And I swear I'm almost at the point where I'm not going to do it again. Like I'm literally at my wits end with this guy. Yeah. I'm still undecided of course because I want to hear what platform the damn on brings. Like I want to see what tax cuts he suggests but like I'm legit thinking about no longer voting for the bitch. Yeah. It's going to be tough for you to hold your nose and vote for Joe Biden though.

Yeah. I want to tow the party line as it were. Yeah. Up and down the ticket. Do you have a return date or you're just going to wait and see? So we have our I guess our reservation ends in like a few days. Yeah. Our reservation ends in a few days and it feels kind of weird to basically have been here for over a week to have gotten out of the city and to go back where it's like the most rampant.

Yeah. You can't go back now. That's what I am sort of thinking as well. But I mean you guys aren't thinking about it are you? Joe kind of wants to go back to New York and I don't but I also don't know what else to do. You can't say actually let me re-up this place until July 9. Well I think someone else already did that for this particular place so we'd have to find another Airbnb. I see.

We originally booked this one because they had their calendar open but it is no longer the case. Oh yes. No. Those are going like toilet paper. And now I saw that like people are starting to like kind of reject people's Airbnb requests if they're coming from New York City. Understandably so. Of course. So I feel like we're in a good position because we are not in New York City.

We haven't been in New York City. We can theoretically stay up here if we can find the right place. So that's what I'm looking to do. Have you done an Airbnb search in Lincoln, Nebraska? No. Just throwing it out there. No I've not. Lincoln, Nebraska?

Yeah. Let's take a break and then we can get some friends of ours who are still in New York. We can get an update from them. That's what I need. All right let's call them right after these messages. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode but the entire headgum network Jake. Wow.

That's correct. I mean this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah not just Father's Day but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon. These digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally these things are perfect.

I'll tell you why. As you know I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now but they're great.

Really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh that's cool. Anything perhaps a baby and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in.

Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah kind of like she misheard it or something like that or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way. By the way Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my god. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant.

It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app.

Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly.

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Go get your parents something. All right. And use the code head gum for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you. Now back to the head gum podcast you were listening to this show is sponsored by better help. Thank you. Better help.

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That's better help. Help. Thanks better help. And we're back. Thought we'd reach out to some old friends of ours in New York City. Jeff Rubin and Patrick Castles. How the hell are you guys? Jeff, you answer first.

I'm doing good. Okay, Pat. I'm doing terrible. Let's talk to Jeff. Great. You know, I'm healthy. I am responsibly social distancing. I'm watching a lot of TV.

So, you know, pretty much my life, pretty much my life normally, to be honest. Right. Yeah, people like Pat and I, I think are well set up to start spending a lot of time indoors. Like I'm definitely stressed and feeling more anxiety than I've ever felt my life, but the staying indoors all the time part. I'm great. Can I ask not to hijack the podcast, but I'm doing it. What's the most, what's the most random thing you guys have watched that you probably would not watch if you weren't? I have a good one.

Self isolating. For the first time in my life, I watched at the request of Sean Perlman, Robocop, 1987. Robocop rules so hard. That's a legit good movie, right? I like how Jeff is like, not even a, I mean, I agree with Jeff, but like, not even a hint of doubt. Jake, have you, Jake, have you seen Robocop? I've seen Robocop. I don't know if I remember it well enough to comment on if it's good or not.

I remember thinking it's kind of, it's inherently very, very sad. Because the guy is dead, right? Like, he's not him anymore. Oh, right. That's Jake. That's your thing. You don't like movies that make you feel sad, right? Yeah.

That seems like a problem. Like, that's most movies. Yeah. A lot of art makes you feel sad, but it shouldn't because things should make you feel happy because that's the goat feeling. So what's like, what's a movie you do watch? I mean, a movie that I watch when I want to feel happy, feel the dreams has a nice happy ending. Oh, Edge of Tomorrow, great happy ending. That's true.

Wait, wait, wait. Let me get, let me get back to Robocop. Yeah, true. Yeah. In terms of Robocop, we, after the end of it, I was like, that was awesome. And Avi Tal was like, was that like a bad on purpose type movie where people like that was good? Because it was very like heavy handed and hokey acted. And like, was that an on purpose decision?

Was that just how people acted in 1987? Do you guys know what I mean? Honestly, Jeff, I mean, Jeff, I don't want to, Jeff, I'm sure has more thoughts than I do on this. But I think the answer is actually, yes, kind of, like Paul Verhoeven who directed that movie and wrote it. And maybe, I don't know, he's kind of famous for that style. Yeah. It was almost a satire or almost a comedy really. Definitely.

Yeah. I think that's what makes it such a good movie is that it serves as both like a great action, a very violent action movie, but also like, it's got things it wants to say. Yeah. It was so fun. Like when the first robot did that thing in the board meeting. Yeah. Cracking the fuck up. It was one of the, it was like a Mr. Show sketch.

It was so silly. No, yeah, totally. It's definitely intentionally funny. Like the comedy is 100% on purpose. Anyway, Jeff, have you left the house in a week? Yeah, I've been leaving the house. I've been leaving the house just a little as I've been trying to minimize as much as I do it. I guess I've been doing like yoga.

I actually got a rowing machine like right before all this started and that like really has paid off. I've been doing a lot of rowing. So I'm trying to sort of like stay in motion and exercise, but I am trying to leave the house as little as possible, but I get outside at least a little bit every day. Guys, how awesome would it be if we come out of this and Jeff Rubin is just fucking ripped? Like a Winklevoss twin just rowing every day. He's also taller. The problem is that I live in Brooklyn and it's like actually kind of crowded outside. Like I live by Prospect Park and it's pretty crowded at Prospect Park and even the streets around here, like you have to pass by people on the sidewalk.

And to be honest, I'm like not like the sidewalks are not six feet wide. So you're constantly less than six feet from people and I'm not sure how to handle that. I guess. Yeah. It's kind of a difficult thing to handle. So I usually wait till it's less crowded at night. Streeters have the same thing. I think he lives maybe closer to you than I do. He does. Yeah.

Streeter lives very close. Williamsburg. Williamsburg is not crowded. People I think maybe are. People are responsible as hell in Williamsburg. Thank you. I'd like barely saw a soul while I was there. Where do you live, Jake?

Excuse me? Where do you live? Like on the border of Williamsburg and Green Point. No, no, no. Exact address. Yeah. Really? 580 Metropolitan.

What apartment? What apartment? Say anything else because 4G, can you edit this part out of the show? What's the code to get in? Are you guys fucking? It's 9961 and that's literally. Completely responding for questions which you do not have to do. Pat got evicted.

He needs a place to crash while you're up to date. No, not for three months, bro. That's right. Wait, Pat, do you have a mask and gloves? No. Are you going shopping in grocery stores? I have not in the last week. Like a lot of New Yorkers are like not great.

We're not in the habit of having like a week's worth of groceries or at least I'm not anyway. I don't want to speak for everyone. It's hard. You know, we have small apartments. I think we generally shop smaller than you might in the suburbs or even somewhere like LA. So it's unusual to kind of have to have to store food like this. You're someone in the world who's like when Feiyu Chi goes on the news and he's like,

Hey, just don't touch your face. Some guys like, fuck you. Definitely. Yes, for sure. That's his line of the same. I think there's lots of people who are like shaking hands and like hugging each other as like just like signal kind of what side they're on a little bit, you know? I'm touching my mustache to own the lips.

Exactly, exactly. But here's my question is, are you wiping off like your bean cans when you get home? To me, that's the line. Like we have to go to the grocery store eventually. Like I can't survive without going to the grocery store. I've tried to stock up. I go out for vegetables and stuff. But do you wipe down the bean cans when you get home?

Are you just like? The what hands? Bean cans. We're wiping beans. The Hurwitz Vogel household is wiping beans. We're bean wipers. Yeah. I am starting to do it too.

Kind of like I'm not doing such a diligent job of it. I don't know that it's actually doing anything. But like I wasn't doing that for the first week or two. And then like that kicked in. I was like, oh, I found a new level of preparation here. I feel like we're all discovering, we're like discovering these, these new levels that we didn't think we'd be at. Like I remember two weeks ago, I was going to go to a friend's birthday party

and then she canceled it. She's like, we're not going to do it at a bar. We're just going to have a small group of people at my apartment. I was like, okay, that feels safe. But now looking back on that being like, that was insane. I went to an apartment with 15 people. Let me tell you, Jake, three weeks ago, I was at Disney World. I went to Disney World.

I can look up the date for you if I want. I went with Caldwell from your other podcast. We went to Disneyland kind of the Friday before what in my perception was the week where everything like really started happening. And I remember it seems so irresponsible. It seems crazy to go to Disneyland. We were aware that this thing was happening. But I was like, you know, I live in New York.

I'm going to go to the office. I interact with like a Disneyland's worth of people every day anyway. Like if this is going to happen for me, it's... But in your defense, Jeff, like you and Caldwell, like your kids really want it to go, right? Like give them a nice day. But wait, let me finish this thought because I can't stop thinking about it. No, I loved it.

I loved it. I loved it. But so we went to Disneyland. I was like, well, I'm going to have to see everyone when I get back to New York anyway. And I'm going to be on the subway and I'm always going to be interacting with people with no idea that like just four days later that we would all collectively agree. Like actually we're all going to stay in our own houses for an indefinite amount of time. Like that Friday we were at Disneyland.

Like it was out there. There was definitely like increased hand washing presence throughout the park. Like you could see it was on people's minds. But like we had no idea that just like four days later would be like, actually we'll all stay inside forever now, you know? The short film version of that is Jeff on Splash Mountain and then as it hits the bottom it smash cuts to you scrubbing a banana. I'm not scrubbing my vegetables.

I just run the vegetables under cold water. I mean, I've been a banana is a fruit. Same principle though. Yeah, we were talking earlier that I've been seeing stuff online where it's like, you got to dunk your even your peels, the bananas with the peel on through soap and water. Why don't you just like eat the banana? The banana is in the peel, eat the banana and then wash your hands. Like who's saying that?

I guess the virus jumps from peel to fruit. I'm kind of limited. I mean, I'm just like listening to like the CDC basically like the government. I'm doing what they're telling me to do. I'm listening to Trump. Jeff's going back to work on Easter. I like how I invited Jeff and Pat on the show and within 40 seconds we were talking about RoboCop at full volume.

But that was you. You brought up RoboCop. Am I too loud by the way? I know there was a problem earlier. No, you're doing great. I'll adjust the levels in post. So I'm not doing good. Yeah.

Don't you worry about your levels. Jeff, that's too loud. Oh, I can turn mine down. When I, I didn't tell people that I went to Disneyland until two weeks later because I didn't, I was going to be so embarrassed if like I got sick at Disneyland. Like at least if I get sick now, it didn't happen because I went to Disneyland. Yes. Jeff, but it makes sense that you weren't because you have a, you have a, or didn't

your kid fucking tell, I don't know, Pat, what was it exactly? Cause I'm going to cut yours out and use mine. Oh, come on. You're trying to. Tell me the exact phrase and I'm going to cut this out just so I have it. You're trying to recycle Pat's joke. I'm not going to, I'm not going to help you plagiarize me. It was a, you, good thing you have a son.

What was it? It was so funny when you, I'll cut it out, but what was it? Wait, I don't even know how to begin with this. I love that you appreciate it, but can't remember it. Jeff, I basically as a kid and then I'll take the laughter from, uh, when Pat's. Yeah. I had another joke too. And I'm not even telling you.

Jake, what were you saying earlier? I, you got cut off for a second. Just that there's like a, there's like sort of a social, uh, pressure around like how you're quarantining and how safe you're being and all that stuff too. Like the stigma adds, adds a layer of anxiety even over the virus, which I'm not really, I think that's, I think people who are shaming people for like going outside, which you're allowed to do currently. Yeah.

There's a lot of circular fire. I just think it's, this is not the time to be. Yeah. Everyone should be responsible and you should minimize contact, but. Is New York changing even like week to week? It's so weird. It is like walking around in a movie. It does remind me of like the beginning of many movies.

Like a quiet place would be the most recent one where like all the stores are cloned and they all have like signs on them. Kind of like, you know, like closed for virus or whatever. Like, I don't know. I'm kind of reading all the signs on the stores because it's kind of interesting to see the way that they all talk about it. Like it is, it's like the grocery stores open and the shelves are stock. So it's not like quite apocalyptic, but it's very eerie, I would say.

I don't know. It's, it's weird. I'd say it's weird walking around. By the way, really quick. I just want to get this out of the way. I'm so sorry, Jeff. No, no, no, you go. I feel like I didn't realize that no one's going to see the website we're

using to do this. And I just want people to know what my name is on this thing. Robert Downey Jr. Yeah. You put Robert Downey Jr. Yeah. Jake, Head Gum, Jeff and Robert Downey Jr. Which is kind of funny because like imagine if he was on this podcast.

That'd be kind of funny. Yeah. Amir, you should take a photo and then just like write dropping. Oh, that's cool. People might believe that. He's got nothing better to do. Jeff, what were you saying? Yeah.

Are you guys wearing masks because mass is an interesting one to me. I mean, I think if you find like, I actually found some N95 masks that I had when I, from when I lived in LA, like I just bought a bunch of earthquake stuff and I had some and I donated them to the hospital. So please do that if you find some N95 masks, but sort of like T-shirt masks or something like that. I'm kind of starting to come around on the idea of it, not to protect myself necessarily, but just because I think if everyone does it, then it'll

offer a greater level of protection for everyone. You know, it protects other people. So I kind of want it to be like socially normal for people to do it. And I think part of doing that is wearing a mask myself. Now, I don't have a mask yet, but this is something I've been thinking about. I'm wondering if you guys are wearing masks. I'm wearing the mask from the mask. Somebody stop him.

Nice. Jeff. Sorry. Sorry. In the nice, so in the, where I'm staying upstate, they won't let you into the grocery store without a mask. Really? Or like a scarf or a handkerchief over your, over your mouth.

Where are you? I'm in Woodstock. And what's the address there? Really? Do I really? 6870 Glasgow Turnpike, but I don't. I don't even know. Like how do you get masks?

Like what, where's the mask store? I have no idea. Yeah. It's like make one with sewing. I'm like, you got to be kidding me. I got like all day in the apartment. Then I can't regret it. I didn't buy, I didn't stockpile masks before this happened.

And now I assume. Pat, you can use a, you can use a diaper. Yeah. Why would I have diapers? Pat, take a picture of you wearing a diaper on your head, like a helmet. Okay. Oh my God, dude. He's going to do it.

Wow. Wait, I heard that. What do you guys think like will be like, obviously there's so much going on. Like we've changed our lifestyle so dramatically, so quickly. Um, and like, I guess there's, this will end, things will return to normal one day. And I guess like, what do you think sort of the lasting impact of it will be? And obviously there's a lot of businesses that'll go to business. There's a lot of really sad things, but I'm just wondering like culturally, like it's

like, um, if you ever go and visit Asia, like there's a lot of people wearing masks and it's because they've gone through things like this. And I'm wondering like if we'll just mass will become commonplace and like, what kind of cultural changes do you foresee kind of like sticking around? Like do you think zoom parties will ever be a thing again? Like after this is over? I hope not. Yeah.

I think zoom parties are kind of fun though. Yeah. Zoom parties are fun. I'm playing a lot more video games with friends. I don't know if that'll stick around, but I think one of the lasting things will be like touching strangers, shaking someone's hand when you walk into like a store. Right. Yeah.

Grow hugging people that you don't necessarily know. Maybe that'll be more of a stigmatized going forward. Yeah. That's what I think too. The reason I love zoom parties is because I feel like for years people have been like, ah, we want to come to your thing, but we can't because we have to watch our dog tonight or our kid is sick or like we don't want to drive in the fog or whatever. And now it's like, nope, all those excuses are bullshit now.

Between dog and fog, all your excuses rhyme. I mean, I can tell your line. That's your takeaway? I'm sorry. I'm stuck in a bog. All right. Do you want to, you guys want to try to tackle one question? This is an advice show after all.

Jeff, we need a 21 year old girl's name from Melbourne, Australia. We've got to give her a fake name. Manny. I've been waiting for this. I've been dreaming for years of what my theme names would be on If I Were You. What would the theme I would pick would be? I'm going to guess this is a grassy, Jeff. Is it a grassy?

It is a grassy theme. That's correct. All right, Jake, why don't you just give her a name? Jeff's obviously not taking this. I said Manny. I'm just joking. Manny. Manny writes, so my boyfriend has been looking at moving out of his parents' place for a

while. He's 22 and shares a bedroom with his 19 year old brother. He found a place with three other girls aged 25 who he says he really vibes with. Now I'm not the jealous type and I am fine with the idea of him living with other women, but my issue is this. In Australia, we are moving into complete lockdown slash isolation because of the coronavirus. My boyfriend is the only person I have been seeing outside of my household and the same goes for him with me.

But he told me already that if he moves in with these girls, I am not allowed to visit as the girls don't want anyone in their house and he would not be allowed to leave and come back with a potential infection. I trust my boyfriend, but I don't know how long this isolation is going to last and I think the only man locked away with three women he vibes with would be tempting. So my question is this. Should I bring it up? Should I tell him I'm not comfortable with him living with these girls considering the

current apocalypse? Or should I just make up an excuse about the economy being shit right now so it's a bad time to move? I don't know. Any other ideas would be welcome. Sincerely thanks, Manny. Manny? Manny?

Manny. Man. That is a tough one. I love that third option. That's so inventive. Yeah, they're all about him, her putting her foot down and not letting this guy. She just wants to know which route she should take. Repeat the third option?

Yeah, give me my options again. The options are should I bring it up? Should I tell him I'm not comfortable with him living with these girls considering the current apocalypse? Or should I make up an excuse about the economy being shit right now so it's a bad time for him to move? So they're really only two options. I don't see those as mutually exclusive.

Yeah, the first two are literally the same. The third one could be done in conjunction with the first two. It is difficult. Like I really, I mean, doing anything right now is so difficult, just like moving under normal circumstances is difficult. And it's like, it seems like not a terrific, it's funny that he made it to 22 and he was like, now's the time to move out of my parents' house. I picked my moment.

I just have to lice all the carpet. It's a bad time to move. Yeah. I guess you gotta talk. I mean, look, that guy should move out of his parents' house. It sounds like he found, I guess I'm curious, like, do you believe her? And not that she's lying to us, but I just don't know if she knows herself. Do you think under normal circumstances you think she'd have an issue with this?

Or do you think it's really like the corona thing is really the thing that puts a twist on that makes it like hard for her to accept? I think that she's, she would have a problem with it always, but the fact that it's like now that to the 10th degree where it's like, not only am I moving in, but I can't see you and you can't see me. So it's going to be me and these three lady roommates for the foreseeable future. Yeah. It's basically her worst nightmare.

It feels like one of the circumstances is that this guy is clearly like trying to keep her away. Right? Like, if he was behaving more normal, like, I'm going to move in, but you can, you can visit that's, you know, that, that have to be a condition for bringing on new roommates. But can she, is that responsible? Can she visit? I think that like, if you're moving into a new place, you're just as at risk of being

quarantined or as at risk of carrying the virus as, as she is. So like, you guys should both be able to go there at the same time. That's true. Yeah. It's kind of clear to me, it's clear to me that this guy is doing all of this on purpose. He wants to be quarantined with his three hot new roommates and they're, they're definitely hot. What if she, yeah, she is Australian.

What if she says I'll move in with you? So it's like, yeah, maybe we'll both live together. So it's me, you and the three chicks. I forgot they were Australian. That's great. It'll be sweet days. Yeah. I guess I think if these three people are willing to accept one more person, it's not unreasonable

for him to say to them, also, my girlfriend's going to come over sometimes. She, we've already been in touch with each other for the past two weeks. So she's sick. I'm already sick and she's not seeing anyone but her family. So I'm not, it's not really expanding your circle any wider than just the guy himself coming in. And I guess he should explain that to them. I want to know why we're trusting Australians who got Tom Hanks sick.

It was actually the, it was the other way around. He's the one who exposed that entire continent to the virus. He's like, yeah, he's like the frog and the Simpsons. Yeah. He's patient zero. What do you guys think RoboCop would do? What would RoboCop do? Kill, destroy.

He'd be, he'd be responsible. He'd be great. He'd be actually great. I mean, he's very like, he's a, he's a peacekeeping. Yeah. And I want you to tell Avi, tell them Peter Weller's performance as RoboCop is legitimately great acting. What was the question again?

How do we solve this coronavirus crisis? Do you think anybody's moving? Do you think anybody's moving in New York City? The people, so I live in a building and there's one apartment above me and there, there's people above me that are subletting from the person who usually lives there. And they were subletting because they were going to move somewhere in April 1st. And they, I don't know these people well and I don't talk to them daily, but they, I was just like, oh, good luck.

Like, cause like, I don't know if movers are working. Like, I don't know how that works. And like, I just, I don't know what those people are going to do and I feel for them. It's like everything, just doing everything is more stressful right now, you know, like the second and third order effects of this thing are just so hard to keep track of. Let's get quick answers. What would you do starting with Jake? Jake, what would you do if your girlfriend was moving into a house with three hot Australians

for the foreseeable future and said we can't hang out with each other? And does she vibe with these guys? Does she vibe with these guys? She vibes. Quick vibe check. Is she vibes with these guys? She really vibes. Wow.

Wow. Wow. Did you? Did you do? Yeah. I, I, I guess I would be like, yes, go for it. And you're, and congratulations. You're also single.

So you can see this through if you want to, because I think that it would be very. So you just break up with it right there. I think it's pretty clear to me that the guy is. Yeah. I think Jake's on to something. I'm like giving the guy the benefit of it down here. But there are, there is a tone of this is like, of some passive aggressive. This is true dream scenario for this guy.

I mean, I don't, I'm giving away a thing here, but this is basically like a great like Nancy Meyers movie basically. Yeah. And I think that's how the guy's looking at it. I don't think anyone could look at it in the other way. You guys realize like 900 900 coronavirus scripts are being written right now. That's what I want to say about the zoom parties earlier when I'm in a zoom party. I feel like I'm in the opening scene of a movie that takes place like during this time period

and like they want to establish the time period. So like we're all in birthday hats on a zoom birthday party. Like it just feels like this weird period detail that like will always be like, remember we did zoom parties? Like it's just so specific to this like current moment. I'm ruining. Also I'm ruining me. I'm sorry.

I'm ruining your quick answer. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Jeff, what was your quick answer? I think, you know, I think, I think try to reason with the women to let the girlfriend

come over. And if they don't want to do that, then they're not going to be great roommates anyway. And if the guy doesn't want to do that, they should break up anyway. Dude, listen to yourself. Try to reason with a woman. Good luck. Oh, come on. And the show.

I don't agree. Before you get yourself in trouble, dude. Oh, come on. You can't get canceled. Everyone's fucking running around like their dick just fell off. It's true. Now's the time to do something racist. You can steal City Hall.

No, get me off of the spot. What are you talking about? All right, Pat. Yeah. I'm hanging up. Pat, a final word. Do you want to say something racist? No, but I'll say something offensive.

I'd say tell him to move out immediately. All right, great. So I can move in. Because my 901st script is actually a porkey style wacky adventure in which I have to move in with 25 quarantined Australian ladies. Like three's company, but more than three people. I don't know. All right.

I also do want to go to Australia. Not right now. At some point in my life. So that's, that's unrelated. Guys, I feel bad about my racist thing. Don't be racist. I've heard of people being racist. Here's why I feel bad is I've heard from Asian friends that they are facing racism here

in fucking New York. I don't want to sound like dumb, but I thought we were better than that in New York. And it's like, it's very upsetting to me. So I feel bad about that. No one be racist. I'm afraid of yours going to not include that and also make my joke his joke. Oh, wait, wait. Can you guys be quiet for a second?

Actually, Jeff, I don't think we should be racist because I've been hearing things about what was it in New York where people are, what was the term? Nice. Offended by. Listen, everyone, everyone in the world thinks I'm Robert Downey Jr. So I'm, I'm, I'm clear here. I'm not even on this podcast. I'm just the star of, you know, that movie.

You can't name one of your own. All right. Everyone will attend this show or this episode by saying one thing people can watch or do that would help pass the time. Cause I think that's the most important thing right now. What are you guys doing to pass the time? What do you guys recommend people do? Jake, start with you.

I hate to admit it, but I started watching love is blind because I was doing a puzzle and reading a book upstate sitting by the fire. God, your life sounds horrible. Doing wholesome things. It's, it was really nice, but Jill was watching love is blind and I, and she kept on laughing and I kept on like just walking over and glancing at the TV and be like, who's this? Like, what's this? And then, and now like one hour later I was gripped and it's, it's utterly insane.

It's an insane show. You threw the book into the fire. Yeah. What's, what's the premise of that show again? I forget. It's like 30 men and women go into pods where they can't see each other and they go on dates basically where they're just, they're just talking one another. They cannot see each other.

And then of those, all of those people, they sort of like choose who they vibe with the most. They fall in love with a stranger through a wall and then propose, get engaged and then see each other for the first time. But it's like, It's like an emotional glory hole kind of. Yeah. It's exactly what it is.

And it's kind of crazy just to like watch people date and like fall for one another and like some people like really like fell in love. They're like crying. They're freaking out. And then others are just like this people. They're so stupid. It seems like they're just not all there and that they shouldn't be allowed to be on TV. But I don't know.

It's all. Is this the first reality show that you've been, you're not even willing to admit you're watching it now. You're like, I was reading a book and Jill wouldn't show that show. That was honest. I was reading a book at the same time. No, I was doing cool. I was doing cool wholesome shit.

And now I'm watching. This is the only reality TV show I watch. And that's actually I watch grand designs, which is like a it's like a house, a house building, house renovation, no house construction. Are you guys watching this? What's this tiger show that everyone's talking about? It's a documentary on Netflix. All right, Jeff, what's your suggestion?

Better Call Saul is like the only thing I'm like, it's the only thing keeping me sane right now. Like everything is chaos. I'm losing track of what day it is. But Monday nights, it's Better Call Saul and it's like for an hour, everything is uncomplicated and good. And so it's so good. It's so good.

I've been really like really looking forward to those new episodes Monday. And I think a lot of the old all the old ones are probably on Netflix or whatever. So if you haven't catch it, watch it yet. Even if you haven't seen Breaking Bad, I would say it's actually crossed the line recently where like, I think a lot of people like I don't want to watch Breaking Bad because it's like crime and drugs is just inherently uninteresting to me. You I would give Better Call Saul a chance because it's like kind of bringing that same craftsmanship to a less violent but still just as good story.

It's really great. That's cool. Pat, what's your suggestion? All right, we're out of time. No, you know, I mean, it's not a suggestion. It's the last thing I did TV wise is I watch all three Oceans 11 movies. So Oceans 11, Oceans 12 and Oceans 13 and really just I love those movies. My thing is that we're all going to live.

I've got a Nintendo Switch. Keep talking about it. I've been getting into Mario Kart. If anybody wants to play me on Mario Kart on this live stream, I think just Jeff that has it, but I'm down to play Mario Kart. That's a great way to pass the time. Yeah, Mario Kart rules. All right, guys, thanks for joining us.

Thanks for talking to us. No problem. Thanks for catching up. I'm so glad you're into video games. The silver lining. Yeah, finally, some good news. Thanks for having us. Thanks for having us.

That was so fun. Of course. And if you have your own questions or theme songs, you can always email it to if I were you show at gmail.com. Our email box is still open, of course. The opening theme song was that Blink 182 cover of I Miss You, which was written by Alex. This closing one is an a cappella. Let me look up who wrote it.

And Avengers Endgame is on iTunes. So if you're a fan of me, Robert Downey Jr., the most successful actor in the world. Yeah, plug in Dolittle. Do you know if no movies, if there's no more movies for the rest of the year, Dolittle's going to be like the number eight grossing movie of the year. Wow, good on them. I think you're right. I think people need to watch something and why not do Dolittle?

Yeah. All right. It's kind of whatever. Enough. That's absolutely enough. This closing theme song was written by Jordan Holmes. Pat, I'll leave you in the room so you can continue talking after we're done recording. And we'll be back next week.

Bye, everybody. That was a hate gum podcast.