If I Were You - 43: Guys Suck

Episode Date: December 5, 2013

In this episode we discuss Christmas gifts, female roommates, and why guys are the worst.This episode is brought to you by HuluPlus.com! Check out HuluPlus.com/Amir for access to thousands of movies and TV Shows: http://bit.ly/1aJaQzwThis episode is ALSO brought to you by 20Jeans.com! Twenty dollar jeans and other awesomely affordable high quailty clothes: http://bit.ly/152P612See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Oh yeah, if I were you, I'll tell you just what I would do. There's no need to be afraid, cause Jake and Amir are here. Yeah, you could email in a question, or you could just enjoy the show. Either way, everything is hashtagged old. Okay. Love it. I like that one a lot. I hated it. Really, you're smiling. I know. What's up? Yeah, I ate a lot of sugar for lunch. That shouldn't make you hateful. What? You're like, you're still smiling and hateful. It's an awful thing. So like, if you ate sugar, it doesn't really, I don't mean like, what, yeah, no, sugar has nothing to do with it. You're a bad guy. Oh, lice. A lot of lice. Not just lice maggots. There's a mouse in there. Nickel. Jesus. Ow. So many. Okay, welcome to If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet that shoots in a different single location every single time we record. I'm Amir. And I'm, I think I'm Jake. I forget. And we are recording this Wednesday night in a hotel room in New Orleans. Should I be looking at that camera?

Oh yeah, we're also... Are we addressing the camera right now? You are. You're addressing the camera. We have cameras with us, so we figured we would videotape, record this episode, and put it online. I don't know what I'm going to get around to actually putting the video up, so for now, just listen to it, and then hopefully sometime this week, I'll be able to upload it. Right. It's weird, so you're like watching, someone's watching this video right now. For now, just listen to it. Okay. Yeah, that doesn't, no watching, just listen. Close your eyes. Pretend that we're not here.

Yeah, if you are listening, we will try to upload the video soon. If you're watching the video... Then we succeeded. Yeah, we might even be dead by the time you see this. That's the magic of the road trip. You're going to ditch somewhere. We've driven, God, I don't know, 1500 miles in the last three days. Yeah. It's a lot. It's a lot of driving.

But we saw a lot of America. We really did. And I'm ready to fly home. I think I'm done. I think I've seen enough. Yeah. I think Mississippi was worth checking out, but I'd like to fly over Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, and all that shit.

And the rest. That might be the rest. What? Just Texas, New Mexico? Oh, Arizona. Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, California. Wow. So we've basically... We've crossed so many states, and now there's just like, there's three. Yeah. In the east, it's all very like dense. And then once you get out west, it's like four states until California.

But that's enough about geography. Yeah. We're trying to go out in Orleans tonight. I was like, it's 11 o'clock. What did you want? All right. So we might as well explain what the rules are. The way it works is people email us at, if I were you, show at gmail.com. They're in difficult places.

They need advice. And so they come looking towards us for some reason, and we sift through all the emails and choose a couple, you know, four, five, whatever, and try to answer them on this show. You over-explained it. Really? You over-explained it. I think. How so?

Let me try it. I'm going to take the reins on this one, Blooms. You think I spent too long, and now you want to explain it again? You overdid it. Let me show you how it's done. What did this feel like? So here's what we do on the show, the podcast. All right. So what you want to do is download the podcast app on Apple.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Chill, chill, chill, chill. I got off through an inauspicious start, but I think I can reel it in. You've already spent more time than I did. Shit. Shit. Aw, damn it, Hurwitz. There you go again.

Your dad was right. Your dad was right. So, yeah, let's read these emails and try to give some advice. We're going to give these real emails fake names to preserve their anonymity. Anonymity. So, let's call them cities that we visited so far. That sounds nice. So this first one comes from a dude named Tuscaloosa.

Tuscaloosa, Alabama. Great city. I'd never been to Alabama or Mississippi before today. Yeah. Tuscaloosa was cool. Yeah, we drove through both. All right. Tuscaloosa writes, So I've been talking to this chick I met on Tinder for a while now.

Jake would be proud. The only thing she doesn't go to my university, she goes to one. Oh, my gosh. See, now that it's a video, I got to just, people know how terrible they are. Do it. I'm like real good. No, I know the sentence now. Yeah, you can read the next one.

Thank you. I like reading it. You read it all the time and I like to do it too. Okay. Well, you should have mentioned something earlier. Instead of just privately stewing. Well, no, I'm doing it. You read out all the dirty laundry.

You read all the questions and I wish I could. That's it. Ta-da. Cheers. I like working with you. I hope to continue. That being said, we are on the rocks. Go ahead.

Much like the whiskey I'd like to be drinking later, we are on the rocks. All right. Starting from the top. Now we're here. Tuscaloosa writes, So I've been talking to this chick that I met on Tinder for a while now. The only thing is she doesn't go to my university. She goes to one about an hour and a half away and we really click.

She has double D's, which is tight. Today, Christmas is coming up and so is her birthday, which is on the 27th and we're not dating yet, but we probably will be eventually. Should I get her a gift for both one or none? We've been talking for about a month now. Seize the cheese, Tuscaloosa. It's so funny because every time I'm like, I want to rip into this dude, but then he ends up with seize the cheese and I'm like, oh, he supports me.

But that being said, you're not smart. He's only been talking to this girl on Tinder. She lives an hour away. An hour and a half. An hour and a half away. They've only ever talked on Tinder. Yes. And he's one number.

He just messages her via the app and he's wondering whether he should get her a Christmas gift and a birthday gift or just one or maybe neither because you know. Well, I think because they're not dating. Well, no, they haven't actually met. But they're probably going to date. Eventually. So I think like how much do you want to spend on the birthday? You have $250, $500.

I think that's fair, especially if you love her. Well, he does. He just hasn't met her yet. She's got double D's. Oh, that's true. Yo, you honestly, you got to get her two presents. One for each of the D's. One for each tit.

Yeah, that's what's up. You have to spend $200 per D. She already got you two gifts. She got you two gifts. You got to get her two. All right. Now to meter. Now it's time to meter for the first time ever.

Here we go. This is my girlfriend. I'm going to get her two presents. I'd love to meet you. Can I meet you with gifts like a secret Santa that you know about? I need to meet you before the 25th because I want to come over for Christmas and give you a gift. And then I need to meet you again for date number two with your birthday gift because

to be honest, I need to get to know you to figure out what you like. I got to buy a gift for my girlfriend when I've never seen her face. I've never seen you animated. I see five pictures of you. I think I got a pretty good idea. You have a bio that was 500 characters or less. Yeah. And I see we have one mutual friend, some kid I grew up with.

So I think we're meant to be. I think, yeah. Yeah. And just by a quick little eyeball test in the picture number four, it is a group shot, but I am 50% confident that those are double D's. Absolutely. The double D's. I've got to seize the D's.

Oh, Merce. Seize the D's. Why? What? Why would he get her two gifts? That's more times than he's met her. Zero. You don't get gifts for someone you've never met.

Why are you so sure she's going to be your girlfriend? Why? Yeah, we will be eventually when it's been a month. And you haven't met. And what are you waiting for? So you're going to enter into a long distance relationship, which is, you know, I think dumb. Right.

With somebody that you've never met, that you met on Tinder, while you're in college, she goes to a different college than him. Yeah. So should he get her two gifts or one? Oh, that was the question. Yeah. It wasn't whether or not he should go out with her. Or whether or not you should meet her.

So I guess one, don't even meet her because it's not going to, it's not worth, that way you're saving money because in theory, in your brain, you already spent money for two gifts. That's true. So you're saving money right there. How does he meet someone else with double D's? Oh, gosh. At least within an hour and a half.

By the way, an hour and a half, what is that like? It's a 90 mile drive. What's his Tinder radius, maximum? Yeah, maybe, well, maybe they matched when he was like somewhere closer when they were, I don't know. Maybe she like is from his home. Oh, you know what it is? Maybe she's like an hour and a half away, but with the double D's, like the Tinder

radius starts from the edge of her D's. Ever. Yeah. Yeah. Nipple is five miles away, but then her body is another 100 or whatever. Yeah. Of course. That makes sense.

That actually makes a lot of sense. So for Christmas, I'm thinking you give her a nice sweater. Yeah. Yeah. And then for birthday, let's get a little bit more personal. That's true. Yeah. Almost right.

Yeah. So here's actually a really cute gift that I've always thought about giving a girl is like you get her like really sexy lingerie, right? I don't know why you ask me that. So you get like you get a girl really sexy lingerie. So it's like, oh, wow, this is sexy. This is sweet. I'm like super attracted to you.

But then you also, you also get her like pajama pants and a big t-shirt. So you're like, Hey, I like you no matter what, I want you to be comfortable. But like you turn me on and no pressure. You turn me on and you can also turn me off. So anyway, that's my advice for you. You really want to get her a gift. It's two gifts. You present it to her by wearing the lingerie.

So you're like, this is what I got you. And then you take off your robe and you're wearing lingerie. Let me slip into something more comfortable. And then if this creeps you out, I also got you pajama pants. Anyway, I think that's, I think that's a good gift. All right. Actually, a robe is a good gift. No, not a robe.

A robe is a good gift. No, not a robe. I'm saying separately. Yeah. My advice is to give her a robe because a robe is like a very comfortable item of clothes that a lot of people don't purchase for themselves. A robe and an umbrella. The least romantic gifts you can give her.

I'm a very practical gift giver. Yeah. I say, oh, you know, it's a really, also a really good gift that's super cheap and you can totally, I don't know who. We should preface this by don't give her a gift. All right. And this is also just- Disglaver, don't do the gift.

Tuscaloosa, do not give her a gift. This is for all these people out there that are trying to think of like gifts for their girlfriends for Christmas. People who have actually met each other. Yeah, yeah. So let's say you've met, let's say you've actually started dating someone and you want to get that person to get it. Yeah, say that you've actually like started dating someone and met them and like, you

know, know them and all that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's like dope. Way to go. That's like beyond just matched with them on Tinder. Right, right, right. Like met them, hung out with them. I feel bad being in front of this dude for like, you found somebody, maybe that's good.

Who cares? Anyway, they end up getting married. They have a kid that grows up to be the president. This is playing every day in his crib just to drive him. So what you do is give somebody a really old t-shirt and you say that it's your favorite shirt. So they're like, oh my God, this is like so romantic. He gave me his favorite shirt.

Oh, but doesn't, isn't that also running the risk of you just giving someone an old t-shirt as a gift? Yeah, but they all think they think that it means something. Oh, so they just assume the sentimental values through the roof. All of my exes out there who clutched in my favorite t-shirt just know it was. All right. It wasn't just an eight dollar shirt. I got a Kmart that afternoon.

It was me being honest with you guys, each one of y'all, that made me have this idea for other girlfriends. Can we edit this out? No, actually, this is it. Dope, dope, dope, dope. Actually, don't all your exes live in Texas? Yeah, like I'm George Straight. Yeah.

That's so weird. That's so unique. Yeah. Sorry, go on. Let's go to the next one. Okay. Did you actually give someone a t-shirt? And now you're embarrassed?

No. That'll come out as clearly lying in the video version of the episode. All right. Next question. Yeah. This one comes from somebody, a lady. What should we call this lady? Charlottesville.

Oh, that's cute. Charlottesville. Cool. Charlottesville writes, oh wait, you wanted to read it. Yeah. Motherfucker. Oh, it's a little harder to hold the mic. Remember to speak right into the mic.

It's kind of blocking your vision, right? Hey, guys. What? Hey, guys. Love the show. Ow. Are you taking a shit? Oh, God.

Oh. Hey, guys. Love the show. That being said, I found myself in a bit of a sticky situation. My long distance boyfriend of a year recently expressed to me that he wants to have a roommate live with him as he lives alone in the two bedroom condo. Only issue is he wants it to be a girl. He claims they are cleaner, better cooks, and more studious.

Obviously, being a girl, I told him this makes me uncomfortable. He claims it wouldn't be weird, but I feel like it's a terrible idea. It's not that I don't trust him. I'm just afraid one thing will lead to another since it's an intimate situation. Am I overreacting or do I have a right to be weirded out? Help. Thank you. Charlottesville.

I nailed that shit. Yeah, it was good. I nailed that read. I didn't read that shit before. Yeah, you did. Yeah, I practiced it once. I saw you in the mirror. I practiced it once.

You're practically off book. Easy does it. You wrote that question, I think. It was in your cadence, your voice, and your tone. Real easy bit of advice for this one. Ugly girl. Yeah, you're saying you choose the girl. Yeah, yeah, the lady chooses the girl.

So Charlottesville, you get to choose. I think people do that with nannies. The most unattractive woman you can find. But then her boyfriend's going to be like, well, she looks messy. She's a slob. I can totally tell. She's someone who's not only neat, but also fit. Yeah, because I want my roommate to motivate.

Yeah, and I don't want someone like 7 out of 10. I need her to be like a 9 or a 10. I need a room with a dime. Yeah, I understand. Yeah, that way, because that way it'll motivate me to be a better boyfriend to you. I get it. I get it. So I understand what he's doing.

Yeah, which is what? I will go once up further than your advice of her picking the girl and just say, break up with your boyfriend. Oh, you think he's just trying to hook up with someone? I think he has that in his mind. Isn't that a dangerous situation? What do you mean? Yeah, of course.

But he's like, I want to have a roommate. Oh, yeah. I want it to be a hot girl. Maybe he's thinking like, oh, nothing will actually happen, but I just want a girl around. But no, he's just like, yeah, he wants to hook up with somebody else. It's dangerous. It's putting himself in a situation to be a dangerous boy. Trying to.

Yeah. That's why if she chooses the girl, suddenly she's calling his bluff. She should suggest that she moves in. You don't need a roommate. I'll live with you. Who's she kissing? This is her kissing. I'll live with you, buddy.

What? Yeah, why doesn't she live with? Did she mention anything about where she lives? Maybe they don't. Maybe they've never met. Oh, it's a long distance boyfriend. Oh, this is the girl with the double D's. She's already dating him in her mind, too.

The thing is, I got these double D's. God, a long distance relationship plus female roommate. That's damned. No, yeah, you're done. She's damned. You're done. She's damned. You're done.

You're damned. You're out. You're good. You're out. You're damned on distress. Get up on that tinder game. Get up on that tinder game. Do-da, do-da.

Get up on that tinder game. Do-da, do-da, day. Gotta swipe all day. Gonna be. Oh, he hit me. For those of you guys that are listening to the podcast without seeing the video, I pretended to hit him here with my microphone.

He struck me. You guys, now you have to watch the video. That's called incentivizing. That was good. Multimedia, cross-platform, Webisode, Mobisode, hybrids. So, we're gonna walk away. I'm gonna walk away.

Why? I'm gonna walk away. What do you mean, why? You know why. Next question. Break up with your boyfriend. He wants to cheat on you. Oh, my God.

That's such a pessimistic out. This is just coming from someone who does cheat. What if he does actually want it? He wants to cheat on you. Because he wants a female roommate because all guys always want to cheat on their girl. Because he wants a female roommate. That's not a normal thing.

Well, what if he does just, or what about gay guy? Or lesbian? Lesbian, best of both worlds. He can still have an attractive female roommate. Well, now you're stereotyping, actually. How so? I don't understand it, but I don't like it.

I don't know why you're being small. You're trying to make him live with a gay guy or a lesbian. Yeah. I think gay girl is the way to go. I think break up with him. You just want to date this girl. Well, she should test the waters and say something like that.

So she should say go for the lesbian? And maybe see if he like, if he hesitates. I think lesbian is the ultimate answer here. He gets to live with a girl. She gets to not be afraid. Yeah. I think break up with him is the ultimate answer. He is actively trying to cheat on you.

He basically just put out a personal ad. That's what he did. Oh, actually, can I find my roommate on Tinder? I feel weird using Facebook. I don't want to blast all my friends. I think I'm just going to meet a girl on Tinder and have her move in. Actually, I need to vet this roommate first.

So we're going to go out for drinks and then get dinner, just to see if I get along with my roommate. And then I want to hook up with her just to make sure that there's no weird chemistry situation. If there's a sexual tension, it's going to be super weird. You should just get that out of the way. Right off the bat, I'm going to fuck her. And actually, if I, this is crazy,

if I like fucking her, I'm going to keep doing it. And we're going to break up. No, no, no, I'm just going to keep fucking her until I don't like it anymore. And then it's like, OK, she's done. She's out of my life. I already have to tell you about it. Yeah.

I fucked somebody. All right, I fucked someone. I love her. I want her to move in with me. I'm fucking my roommate. Is that a big deal to you? You long-distance lover? Break up with him.

All right, Jake says break up. I say lesbian. There we go. All right, let's take our little break time. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking

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It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful. So you can find that balance better with BetterHelp. All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com if I were you. You do that today. You can get 10% off your first month.

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Thanks, BetterHelp. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow, for years and years and years we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website.

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but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude.com. I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me. Or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life and maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up.

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Everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. But we also, I guess can talk about the road trip so far. Three days in. Three days in.

We're already running on empty. Yeah. Yeah. I took a two hour nap above John and John Karler today. Is that a legal? I don't know. There are seat belts in there. I think we're supposed to use them. That's the cool thing about driving on RV though.

I'm so comfortable all the time. I'm never bored. Just like there's huge windows everywhere. Yeah. Just like walking around. But it doesn't seem legal that you can like click it or take it. You have to wear a seat belt.

Or if you're in an RV, you can lay on a bed on top of the steering wheel. Whenever I'm sleeping up there, sometimes I'll hear the groove pavement going. I don't know how many times John Karler is driven off the road. During my nap, it's like. Brrr.

And there was one time where we were doing it for a really long time. I was just like imagining. I'm gonna fall. I'm gonna tip over. Yeah. We're getting sideswiped by a truck and I think I die up here.

But what a way to go. That's definitely how you die. I would die up there if we got into an accident. I don't know because you're at the top. Like if it flips. If it flips over, I'm the first to be crushed. I crushed. I'm crushed.

But what a way to go during a nap. Oh, that was the other thing we did. We shot that Instagram video. Oh yeah. Which was like, we sort of cheated it, but it was still the most dangerous thing. Like this video is on Jake's Instagram if you wanna see it, but.

Jake Hurwitz. But Jake Hurwitz. Jake Hurwitz on Instagram. I was like, A-A-J-A. No, you spelled it wrong. I spelled it wrong. Three times. Then the first four letters.

I had to answer the followers. All right, y'all know my name. I don't, but A-A-J-A-J-A-R-K-J-H-U-R-N-I. Z-Z-Z. We took a video where I'm in the driving seat looking at Jake instead of the road. And I was like off frame, like steering with the little tip of the steering wheel

while John Grimm are one of our camera ops. Yeah, we're traveling with two of our camera operators, our cameramen, our friends, really. Like they've been around since they shot. They shot like some of the first Jake and Amir. Yeah, they also co-write a bunch of the, or not co-write, but like punch up all these scripts too. So they're like writer, director, producer, friends.

Yeah, they're basically the number three and four people behind the Jake and Amir operation. Yeah. So anyway, today Jake was, or no, I was driving. Jake was trying to guide the steering wheel while I looked away from it. Right, and I was also trying to act. Right, because you're like, look at the road,

look at the road. And I'm like, I'm just thinking like look at the road. And honestly, in RV, when you're driving in like a Honda, it's like, oh yeah, just like, I could drive a Honda with my pinkie. Right. On that thing, I was off the line for like two seconds, I was like trying to get it back,

and it's like this beast of, you have to like really put your body weight into it to straighten it out. It's like exercise. So we actually did drift into another lane and all of us hit a car. And then you had a very, you posed a very interesting question, which was, if we died shooting this video

and ended up killing somebody in a car next door, or a car next to us, we crashed into them, we all died, and they found that video at the side of the wreckage, would people be mad at us? I think, yeah, I think our legacy is tarnished. If we die on this trip, I think that like, everyone is like, wow, they were so funny, they were great, like they're people like posting about it.

People are like, we lost, God gained angels today. But if we run the, run our RV into a minivan, carrying a family of four, everyone perishes. Among the wreckage they find this Instagram video, where Amir is full on not looking at the road, all of us cracking up. I die in character, we are, we're devils for that. Yeah, with Satan has gained four minions today.

Each one more evil than the last. All right, well, totally. Luckily we survived, so we don't have to even worry about it. The police see that video and arrest us. Can we do that? Can we be retroactively arrested? What's the statute of limitations up on that? Hopefully, whatever it is, we're safe.

What number are we at? 25? Yeah, 25-ish. So that's, all right, talked about 20 jeans. Guys, check them out, helps us out, helps you guys. Helps us, helps 20 jeans. It's a triple helping situation. Yo, it's over, quit it.

They bought the sponsorship. Oh, I was joking about that. All right, question the third? Yep. This one comes from another lady. Do you have another city that we've driven through that sounds like a female? Ms. Orleans.

Oh, what about Ms. Isipi? Oh, that's nice, that's nice. Ms. Isipi, that's good, that was mine. Jackson, Jackson. Came up with that. Jackson or Ms. Isipi. Yeah, that was me. Right, do you want to read it or should I?

Yeah, I did that, you, please. Hey guys, okay, I've been on Tinder for a really long time and I have around 150 matches. Matching for me isn't the problem and neither is talking to said match. It always seems that once I start up a conversation with a guy, they always end up asking for my number or my Snapchat, which I don't mind at all.

The problem is that then they always ask me for nudes. Often guys even start conversations with something like send me nudes. I even put please don't ask for nudes in my description, but that doesn't seem to stop them. Once a guy, once, once a guy I had been talking to for a while and we were hitting it off, asked for nudes and when I politely said no, he stopped responding.

Is it bad that I just want to talk and get to know a guy and then see where it leads? Advice on this Tinder dilemma or should I just give up on Tinder guys completely? Thanks, Miss Isipi. Who are these guys and how dare they? Well, this is, I think this is the thing. Most guys are these guys.

So like, what an advantage you have if you're a normal, non-creepy guy. Every date I've ever been on, like from, I think I've never been on an okay Cupid date even though I use it, but any Tinder date, oh yes, I have, I went on one okay Cupid. Anyway, whatever, every single one I've ever been on, they're just like, it's like impressive

that I'm not crazy. Yeah, they're not like, oh my god, you're so funny, you're really smart, they're just like, you're not weird. We've been talking for 30 seconds and you haven't asked to see me naked. You didn't show up and you weren't a foot and a half shorter than me. You don't have a boil on your face

that you hid in all your pictures. What a sad state of like, should she give up on Tinder guys? I feel like she should just give up on guys completely. I think she should take out, don't ask me for nudes. Oh, you think that like, I think that like gets them the idea. Yeah, it's like, don't ask me for nudes. Guy sees that and he's like, oh,

that means she's made the mistake of sending nudes too many times. Maybe she's weak and I'll bring it up. Or another way to think about it is she's like, actively saying, hey, I don't want you to, I don't want to send you naked pictures and nine times out of 10 guys are still like, I just want to see naked pictures.

What, if you're just normal, any guy that's listening, who's on Tinder or otherwise, if you're just not a creep, what a huge advantage you have over 95% of the population. Just don't be an asshole. It's so easy. I like naked pictures, it's just hard to ask for them. Yeah, okay.

We love to volunteer. Yeah, you shouldn't, right, every guy wants to see naked pictures, no guy should actively ask for them. Especially right off the bat, like, that can't be successful. Never. And even if it is, what are you getting? Like, just don't you want to like,

actually meet the reason you're using it is to have sex, not to jerk off. Yeah, you can find it, right? There's videos of naked women. Yeah, yeah. Do that. They're the only people that are sending news like that quickly are other dudes pretending to be girls.

And it's so funny, like, to be a girl that uses Tinder is like such a different experience than a guy. Like, all guys are so like terrible that like, when a girl uses it, if she swipes a guy to the right, odds are he probably already saw it because he's using it so much more actively because he wants to see new chicks.

And it's probably just like a high success rate of like, okay, match, match, match, match, match. Right, an attractive girl probably cannot swipe to the right without matching. Right, and it's such a high quantity, but it's such a low, low quality. Which is insane. I really think that these guys can do better.

Why waste, like, it's insane. You'll, real sex is way better than... A single nude photo. Yeah. Okay. I think my advice is to any girl to not to use Tinder. Right? I can't believe girls are on Tinder.

Snapchat too. Oh, you're done with Snapchat? I deleted Snapchat. Really? Garbage. Stupid, stupid shit. I mean, that's what I thought and you agreed and you had it and you used it.

All the time. Yeah. And now I don't use it, my life is infinitely better. People use that shit so much. It's so weird. I was at a family dinner the other night and there was like a teenage lady there and she was Snapchatting a bunch.

I'm like, do people, yeah, do people use Snapchat? Like, oh, all the, like they use Snapchat instead of text. Yeah. Like pictures, text, which I, maybe I sort of understand because it's like really passive, it's like passive texting. Like sometimes I want to text someone

and I don't even have anything to talk to them about. I just want to be like, I'm thinking about you. But I have to be like, all right, what can I say? Like, oh, this is something that reminds me of that. I'll say that. Right. I'm thinking about this. Like, but Snapchat is just so like, it doesn't matter.

Here's a picture of my face with like crazy Thursday afternoon. And then you send it to multiple people. Right. You get all these replies back. So it's just like, people thinking of me, people thinking of me. Oh, me, me, me, all right, me, the world's me, me. And it's almost like it's bad on purpose by design.

And that's what people like about it, that it looks so rough. It's garbage. Fuck Snapchat. I'll go on record right now. I don't care who's, I don't care who's, who works at that multi-billion dollar corporation. Yo, how's that?

Jake, I heard what's coming for you, huh? Yeah. Yo, fuck Snapchat, follow me on Instagram. A-J-J-K-L-A-R-A-Z-W-H at ALL.net, y'all. All right, what is this girl asking for? It's what it got next week. I'll have Snapchat again. Yeah, just hearing about it really just,

I'm interested again for the first time. Yeah, sort of explaining it, made me realize I like it. All right. Advice on this Tinder, should I give up on Tinder guys completely? Oh, no, but I mean, just keep on doing what we're doing. And as soon as somebody asks you for a nude block, and they're normal guys out there.

Yeah, I mean. I think it's also like, the best case scenario, she meets somebody that just wants to fuck her. Like, it's nudes, yeah, those guys are garbage. But then like, you meet, if you actually hit it off and you meet somebody, chances are he just wants to like sleep with you, no strings attached. But maybe that's what you want too.

And so people do get relationships off of Tinder. So if I were you, I would not be on Tinder. But Jake's advice is keep going and you'll find. You're saying, delete Tinder? Yeah, that's my advice for any girl. But for every guy, your advice is download Tinder. I mean, in my quote unquote world where everybody follows my advice,

Tinder's obsolete because only guys use it. Tinder is Grindr. Tinder, Tinder and Grindr merge into one Tinder app. Speaking of guys and their brains, that actually leads pretty well to our last question of the day. Which is pretty great. I'll let you read this time.

This one comes from someone we'll call. New Orleans. New Orleans writes, here's my situation. Lately I've become increasingly bored and subsequently have more time to jack off. I still watch my fair share of porn as much as the typical 20 year old dude watches, but lately I've been getting into some pretty weird shit.

And I'm not referring to weird shit like pregnant porn or anal enema gaping. Instead I've turned my attention to Tinder. I swipe right for everybody, maybe a hundred every time I take a shit and periodically throughout the day when I have nothing to do at work. Fuck, I'm sorry.

I swipe right for everybody, maybe a hundred every time I take a shit and periodically throughout the day when I have nothing to do at work. As a pretty good looking Christian white man, I get my fair share of matches. This is where shit gets weird with me. I sift through my matches and look for potential targets.

I.e. hot girls or at least girls that are decent looking and also give off that vibe that they want or even need, the deacon. Most of my success comes with the latter group. I start off every conversation the same way. Hi, blank, smiley face, what are you up to? Then I slowly escalate the conversation sexually and see how they respond.

If they bite, I get their number and it's off to the races. Soon we are sexting hardcore. Descriptions of what we're going to do, pictures. I've even had a girl send me a vid of her finger blasting the wound that never healed between her legs. Usually I drag this out until I get my nut and then I block the number of my phone

and delete it as well as block them on Tinder. I do this about once a week or whenever the mood strikes me. Sometimes I'm stoned, sometimes I'm completely sober. I have a girlfriend and a healthy sex life with her and I have no intention of making contact with any of these girls at any point. Is this cheating?

Should I stop or just continue my pimp reign on these Tinder hoes? Should I see a doctor? Norlunds. Yes, this is by far the worst person that's ever written to the show, right? He's a sociopath. Yeah, you're a sociopath, but he's insane.

He calls these girls targets, so he already feels like he's- But you're putting him on blast. I absolutely am putting him on blast. You don't have to put him on blast. He takes advantage. This is the guy that we're talking about in the last question. He's sick.

You wouldn't make fun of a deaf person because they couldn't hear, would you? That's a choice. This is a choice. It's not a choice. The deaf person didn't choose to do it. His head ain't on straight. His head ain't on straight, bud.

This is you. This is me. This is you. So am I the worst person that ever hosted a podcast? Maybe? No, this is even more fucked up than anything you've ever done. I think this guy is a piece of shit.

He's like Patrick Bateman. He's a sociopath. I would say delete Tinder, lose your phone, and go to jail. Please, in any order. I don't care. I think you should be an at least juvie for this. Usually I drag this out.

I mean, all these quotes are, I hope he's trolling us and that this isn't real, but because all these quotes are so amazingly terrible. Poor girl that just wrote in like, hey, I really want to meet a guy, but they always ask me for news. What do I do? Should I keep the app?

Should I delete Tinder? I target potential victims and I sex them, make them feel vulnerable. I keep their fucking sex pictures and videos and then I delete their names and contacts. I drag this out until I get my nut and then I block the number in my phone and delete it as well as block them on Tinder.

He's gonna end up matching with one of his girlfriends friends. And yeah, this, like already the first paragraph, second paragraph makes him seem insanely terrible and then he ends it with, also I have a girlfriend? Right. Awful. Here's another funny line.

Or at least girls that are decent looking and also give off the vibe that they want the deacon. They want or maybe even need the deacon. Nobody needs your deacon. Also, he's like, it's usually the latter group, obviously. Yeah, no. I don't think smoke shows are sending you those pictures. No smoke shows want slash need the deacon.

If he has a single white Christian male, you're a white supremacist on top of everything. How dare you bring religion into this? You racist sociopath. You evil, evil man. What do you use for the main profile picture? You got a dog in there? A dog?

I want his advice. You look up to him. Pimp. Oh my God. This sexting Casanova? Yeah. I think he's a hero to you now. Sexting really doesn't do it for me.

It like, I understand it as like, it's sort of like foreplay. It's like an exciting little flirtatious appeal. But I would never be like, all right, yeah, we sexted now, goodbye forever. I'd be like, okay, we sexted now, I need to fuck. Well, he drags us out until he gets his nut. Yeah, I mean, I understand getting a nut.

Obviously. Dude, I'm with you. All right? I get it. I'm mere as a loser, but I'm cool. This girl's gotta get that nut. Yeah, and as a white Jewish male, I get my fair share of matches.

But I don't target these people. Steal their sexuality, pump them and then dump them. I feel like I've used to it in quite a few cities and I've never, ever, ever felt like a vibe of that I could ask a girl for nude pictures. The goal is always to meet in person. All right. Fuck off.

I mean, the theme of today's episode is that boys are horrible. I think that the guys are terrible and if you're not terrible, you're already in the top 1%. That's the theme of life. Guys are, girls are so great. And girls, the worst. Guys suck.

Men are, I'm a feminist, I think. In a weird way, I am a feminist. I'm a femme fatale, femme nazi, some sort of Lafemme bot. Cheetah. I think I'm a femme bot. You think you're a robot? Jesus, yeah, guys suck. We're garbage, we're the worst.

Girls are thoughtful, smart, kind. Yeah, but there's a silver lining for the guys listening is that if you are slightly thoughtful, slightly kind, slightly smart, slightly funny, you're in such a great position. Your competition is so awful. You're a rare breed, friends.

You're already, you're being judged against garbage trash. I don't want everybody to be good. For girls, it's hard to stand out because most girls are nice, kind, compassionate people. If you're nice, kind, and compassionate, you're an average woman. If you're a nice, kind, compassionate guy,

you're a fucking Don Juan. So you know what? Guys rule. Keep acting terrible. Don Juan. Keep making us look better. Yeah, dude, you make me look so good, you know what I'm saying? Wait, me or?

Guys in general, y'all make us look good, you know what I'm saying? So, how dare you stick your tongue out at the end of the show. Miley, Miley, Miley, Miley. All right, we've done enough. We've gone on our little exhausted diet tribe. Until next time, thanks so much for listening, everyone. You can email us if you find yourself

in your own sticky situation, difficult place, and need our advice. That email address, again, is if-i-were-you-show-at-gmail.com. Boom. We're also still accepting theme song submissions. Oh, we didn't even mention that the awesome one at the top of the show was written by someone named Rory Powers.

Shoot, we forgot to do that? So check out Rory Powers. Rory. And we're gonna end with our favorite, the Stoney, our remix or extraordinary version, just because we have a cool little outro. A video made by another super fan of ours. Yeah, you're like transcribing the outro.

I think just let it happen. All right. Yeah, I try to let people into the process. So now, here comes a video, I will describe it to you. And now, what I do is press the space bar indicating the end of the show. I'm such an asshole because you do all the work. You're gonna edit this after we're done.

You're already on Bourbon Street. Oh my God, you have beads. Where did you get that foot long? Holy shit. I sucked a transvestite dick. And while I was doing it, they were like, I'll give you the beads for free. Let me finish.

You already have a, I'm editing it. Oh shoot, what did I say? Wasn't trans, somebody wrote in that transvestite was a transvestite word? Yeah, transvestite is technically a, what's it called? A slur? Yeah, slur. You're supposed to say transgender or transsexual.

Transgendered. So we're ignorant on that. Either way, I'm sucking this tranny stick. Say tranny, then people at least assume you mean transgender or transsexual. I mean, I obviously like, I'm not a hateful, like I don't hate on them because I'm blowing them. Either way, you're holding a yard of margarita.

Let me think, no. You're already fucking parting it up. I'm sitting at home tweaking the audio levels of this podcast. But that's fun for you. Yeah. You love audio. Yeah, we're both doing what we love.

And it's so different. That's why we get along. Oh, don't touch me. Okay, I tried to put my arm around you. I know, I didn't like that. Yeah. Thanks for listening, everybody. Actually, thank you for listening, everyone.

We'll be back on Monday. Pace. Text me. Stop it. That's it. That was our episode. Thank you again to HuluPlus.com for bringing us back on a Thursday.

That's right, on a Thursday, you can go to HuluPlus.com slash a mirror for a free extended two week trial of access to watch thousands of TV shows and movies. Sounds good to me. Thanks for listening, guys. Bye.