If I Were You - 43: JV Dance

Episode Date: August 26, 2024

In this episode we discuss how we became fools of ourselves at Harvard, and then we answer questions off of Reddit. Plus, Verdle is back!Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HITGUM original. there. Now here's one more effort for only positive motivations, they swear! Now let's meet you two emphatic hoes. Sadness. Hell yeah, we're finally gonna do that live. IRL, hands up, hands raised. We've got the shows, we've got two shows. Let's not talk about it, it's tacky. Let's promote the shows. The shows will sell or they the shows. Because we actually-

The shows will sell or they won't. Well, we forgot to promote it last week. The less we talk about it, the more exclusive it seems. We didn't promote it when the tickets, they went on sale and we didn't say anything on pod about it. We forgot to do that. We had to-

I put it on my Insta story. That's that. And you sold three and a half tickets in Philadelphia. I don't know how that even happened. Two comps. Yeah, okay. Two's that. And you sold three and a half tickets in Philadelphia. I don't know how that even happens. Yeah. Okay. Comps. So it's three tickets and two comps, which I guess count as a half. I set aside for Philadelphia athletes that don't even know who I am and will not

come to the show. They won't be there. They won't be there. You'll be performing. Shane Victorino, the flying Hawaiian is on the list. Right. That doesn't matter. Because how will you tell him? Okay. Randall Cunningham. Yeah. X Philadelphia Eagle. Sure. On the left. quarterback. punter. On the list. They don't care. They don't know. They don't care. People are clueless to us. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. For all they know, we're two fucking 40 year old morons who have a podcast. That's what we are.

That is what we are. And they don't even know that. They have no idea that you exist or I exist. So they won't come. No. Okay, so let's promote. Let's promote it here then. Yeah.

So why are you making it out like I'm the bad guy? Let's promote it here. What is it? You're the weird guy. You're being weird about this whole thing. JD Vance style. You're calling me JD Vancing me. JV dance.

Ooh. Now that's weird. Where do people get the tickets? Where do people get the tickets? Where do they get the tickets? That's the hard part. Because I don't know where I don't. We haven't quite figured it out yet. We are promoting the show.

I think people know that we have one. I said the date once maybe, September 27th in Philadelphia, September 28th in New York City. To get- And most people listening don't live near there. Right. So this is a waste of everyone's time. Yes, exactly.

And if you go to jaconamir.com, obviously that forwards to our YouTube. Yeah, YouTube channel. So you're gonna wanna go to, it's not that hard, concerts.livennation.com slash jaconamir, segments live, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, 0927, 2024, event 020006107, C7F770D4?G, this is in a letter,

it's just one of those, you know, like the bar, like the, you know, it's like a slash, but straight up. It's not a forward slash, it's not a back slash. It's just a, yeah. It's just a verticill. A vertical dash. A verticill. a vertical dash. A vertical dash.

A vertical dash. Equals sign one asterisk VC five JZ A asterisk underscore GA asterisk OD. Okay. Wait, D or B? D. Oh, it looks, God damn it. Does it keep on going? DQ. It literally goes oh, it looks, God damn, does it keep on going? D, Q, it literally goes for, it looks like pi. It looks like pi.

It's fucking irrational. It's a URL that literally can't mathematically end. But New York's on September 28th. That one's a lot easier. It's eventbright.com slash E slash jig dash and dash Amir dash segments live tickets 98326050607 question mark. I'm gonna babe Ruth call my shot,

point to the crowd and say, by the time you guys hear this, New York is sold out. Really? How does that sound? Really? Yeah. Okay. So don't bother going to inventbright.com slash E slash Jake in the Year segments live. It's a waste of our time.

That show is gone, baby, gone. We haven't sold it out yet. That is over left field. By the time you hear it. Dead center. Yes. Okay. Pointing my, and then I cracked that. Philadelphia is at three. Is at three.

So you're gonna wanna scrub back to the URL that I said that was the concerts.livenation1 and figure that whole thing out. It should be at headgum.com slash live, but I forgot to ask Marika to do that. Yeah, well maybe by the time this one comes out. It's definitely on our Instagram.

Maybe by the time this comes out, it'll be on headgum.com slash live. Cause right now, the only show that's being promoted on headgum.com slash live is a Headgum Happy Hour at the Bell House on Tuesday, May 7th. Yeah, this was last season. Yeah, that was in the spring. That was last spring. Best case scenario, we was in the spring. That was last spring.

Best case scenario, we're in Philadelphia, the 27th, New York, the 28th, and there's a ticket link somewhere, probably in the caption of this podcast. How about that? Well, that'd be great. That'd be great. At the very least, it's in the bio on Instagram.

It's in your bio on Instagram. Even if you have a ticket to New York, don't show up. It's sold out. Well, if they have a ticket, then they, Well, if they have a ticket, then they, well, if they have a ticket, then they helped it sell out. So we will need that ass in a seat. Otherwise. I see.

Yeah, otherwise I guess you collect your money, but you perform to an empty venue and that can't be what you're doing it for. Really? Okay. I think I'm gonna do the COVID thing where I say I have it and people can't get mad at me doing it for. Really, okay. I think I'm gonna do the COVID thing where I say I have it and people can't get mad at me. Yeah. I still get the money.

I don't want this to turn into a spreader event because I am yes, still unvaccinated. My vax has laxed. It's lapsed and laxed and I have the super flu. Okay, we did it. We promoted the show. Yeah, we promoted the shows, even though we didn't have to promote New York

because it sold out. It's definitely sold out. It has to be sold out. For real, it sold out. This actually reminded me that we talked about our live show in Boston like in 2016, Yeah. where the Harvard Lampoon, famous comedy magazine, reached out to us and wanted to have us over slash,

not haze us, but like, what is it called? Like become honorary members? Yeah, we were going to be inducted as fools, as they say. Fools, P-H-O-O-L-S, fools. Oh, I don't even remember that part. Yeah, well, I just, I kind of like searched Harvard Lampoon hazing ritual this morning to see if I could jog my memory.

There's a bunch of articles that kind of cover this, like this like this thing, this mysterious ritual that's inducting the Harvard Lampoon. I guess like back in the seventies and eighties, it was like a wild raucous, like swinging from chandeliers, dancing on table tops type of like, you know, frat. When we were there, I guess we can tell the story now,

but it was a bit different. Yeah, we talked about sort of doing this a week or two ago, but we didn't get into the story because we forgot if we had told it or not. But I guess we've never told this story. Or if we have, we left out some details. And maybe we felt like we weren't supposed to say anything because it is a secret.

It's a secret ritual. It is kind of secretive. Yeah, it seems fine. It's a humor magazine that has a- We also don't really, we don't remember it enough to have a huge effect on anybody. So here's what we remember. They have a castle on campus

that people either live or work out of. And it's like from the 1800s or something. It looked like a Hogwarts type situation to me. They reached out to us. They said they like inducted people like Jimmy Fallon, John Mulaney into the Harvard Lampoon. And we're like, oh, that sounds cool. That sounds like it's an honor.

I'll go anywhere Cohen has been. But you know what, maybe they didn't tell us they were gonna induct us, they just told us to visit. I don't think they, cause I think the induction thing was a surprise. So I think they were just like, you guys should visit. And we definitely didn't know to what extent. And Marty definitely didn't need to be part of it.

Or what did he want to? So Marty was there with us. Marty would often kind of come to these shows as our de facto manager. Just to make sure everything is running smoothly and happily. And if anything went wrong or if we needed anything, Marty could kind of be the go-between

because we were preparing for the show slash getting drunk backstage so it couldn't really be any help. So anyway, it's like 3 p.m. in Boston. We are invited to the castle on campus and we went there and they gave us, it was kind of like we got a tour but we were kind of just milling around

in the front two rooms. And like, it was a little weird. I think they like asked us if we wanted any wine. There's just like, you know, kids hanging out there, reading books, drinking beer. And we were 30 and 32 or something. So like younger than we are now, but still a lot older than 19 and 21 year olds

who were there. So I believe because we had the show later and we were just like taking the train up from New York, we're like, oh, we're not gonna drink anything. We're just, I guess, here to hang out. But everybody was being very like quiet. It was like, it was a little weird. And then they called us into like this other room.

They're like, oh yeah, you come in and check out this room. And we walked in. It was a lot of secret rooms, like bookcases that rotated around and you were in a different place. Yeah. Vibe. We walked into this room.

Yeah, you know, like the stained glass dark. And there was just a kid, I think he was just sitting there wearing a bird mask or like one of those plague doctor masks. It was like two people in bird masks. And after we walked through that door, we didn't see anybody's face for the next hour and a half. Everyone was wearing bird masks.

Yeah, I don't know if they had robes, but it was definitely robe energy slash robe adjacent. Yeah, candle lit lights out, bird mask. We walk in like, oh, hey, and they told us to take a seat. And then they pointed to the floor. They were like, you have to sit on the floor. Sit down. We had to make a decision whether we wanted to go along with this at all,

haphazardly go along with it, or just like buy all in. We still had some power here. The door was still open. You and I are like, we're like looking at each other, we're laughing, like are we actually gonna do this? Are we gonna go through with this? This seems weird. Marty is like, I shouldn't be here.

You guys obviously, whatever this is, you obviously wanna do, I shouldn't be here. You guys obviously, like whatever this is, you obviously wanna do it with Jake and Amir. Marty's like, I don't need to be inducted. I don't need to be a fool. I'll go to Quiznos. I'm actually pretty hungry. I just drove them here. I thought this was a Chipotle, yeah.

But I guess that like they wanted him to stay too, or maybe they also just didn't really know how to handle the situation. So Marty sits down. Some people being like, no, I don't want it. Like it's such a weird moment when someone doesn't want to play along at all. But that has to have happened if it was like,

if it was us today or Jimmy Fallon at age 40, and he's like, yeah, I don't have time for this. Yeah, I'm not doing this. But no, I think there's something about the Ivy League of the Harvard. Yeah, that elite. Yeah, it's the name Harvard and then the lamp boom. They're like, all right, this is as close as I'll get

to being a part of this institution. And you know, I have to be honest, the access that I've gotten in my life as a fool, I don't know if you've ever, if you tried to get on like an overbooked flight or checked into a hotel ahead of time. If you tell them you're a fool. I snuck into a soul house.

Yeah. And they were tasing me. They tased my ass. They'll tase you, but they won't mace you. That's being a fool. Because I'm a fool. Yeah. And I am foolish for trying.

I'll try to, yeah, enter a lounge at the Delta terminal in LAX, tell them I'm a fool. So there was basically- It's like being an Erawan member. After this, there was just like, this is why I think it's okay that we can talk about it. Cause I don't specifically remember, it was very cavernous.

We kept on like going downstairs- Riddles, a lot of riddles. Into like other weird rooms. And yeah, every room that we went to, there was some kind of like riddle that we needed to solve. And everybody was being- To get to the next. Everyone was being mean to us.

Yeah, that was part of the charm slash reason why Marty didn't wanna be there anymore. Yeah, yeah, they were like, they were making fun of us. I can't really remember exactly how, but I remember feeling stupid and like, and that they were doing it on purpose. Yeah, because it's half an honor, half sort of like triggers your,

I'm being bullied part of your brain where you're like, get the fuck away from me. You're younger than me and sort of a bookworm slash comedy nerd. I don't need to be here. I don't have to take this, I'm 30. But I also know that they- We did kind of have to take it.

Yeah, because once we got through that second room, we're like, all right, the only way out is through. And I think this is also like a very condensed, basically into an hour or two, it's a condensed process of what the hazing ritual is to actually be inducted. If you like go to Harvard, it's like several weeks of these torturous mind games. So,

right. It is kind of like a comedy fraternity. It felt, it was also good that we were there together. Cause I think you and I just kept up. We like the three of us were kind of like laughing at each other, like not taking it super seriously. But I do remember trying to get the riddles pretty hard. I think I remembered guessing, and I was so sure that I was right,

that I was like, there's no right answer because it's about creativity or something. They're like, no. That's a stupid guess. You obviously didn't even apply to this school. There was an intimidation to the guessing of all of their riddles because it's like they're Harvard students and they're clearly kind of smart. So I'm like...

Yeah, and they were still smarter than... Like even a 19 year old Harvard student is smarter than us. Yeah, I'm a goddamn dropout. I'm a goddamn dropout. So like, I feel like all of that was coming back. Did you find any specifics when you searched the Lampoon Hazing ritual? No, most of it was coverage from 1979.

So there was no specifics on exactly what we would have went through. But I think we did like, there's maybe things like you have to, no, I'm not entirely sure. All I remember was being in like different rooms and answering different riddles. Yeah, I remember trying to even write

for my college comedy newsletter and I couldn't, like it was a very like specific style of humor and very like insidery and like very clicky. And I just couldn't penetrate that fortress that they had. So like doing it interesting, even as a 30 something year old at Harvard, brought back those memories as well. Or I'm like, just usher me from room to room. Let me get this honorary anything.

Like, is there a record of any of this? Or is it just like, now you are this, bye. And like now there's no like, is our name there or something? We didn't sign a plaque or anything. No, right? That was the, God, I wish I could remember this, but this again, this is why it's good that I don't,

because I think this is like the most secret part. I think like the final answer to one of the riddles is like they opened the door to the great room in the... Yeah, there was a large dining room. Yeah, like that was like the dining hall, the big giant prize, the showroom basically. And they're like, the answer to life's riddle or whatever is experiencing it with your friends or whatever.

And then we opened it up and there was like a bunch of kids in there and they all like cheered and clapped for us. Take the robes off. Yeah. Yeah. And then it was kind of like, it was kind of worth it.

There was like, there was definitely a moment of euphoria as I'm like, oh, okay, all the teasing is over and these people have accepted me. Look, they're applauding for me. So now you understand why fraternities haze. Yeah. Anyway, Marty and Conan O'Brien are both members of the Harvard Lampoon now because of that.

They're both fools. Faithful afternoon. Didn't they then have a party that night that we went to, like after the show? Yeah. Or was that a separate Harvard invitation? That's what I don't remember. I think we went,

was that, that was just like that insane frat party that we went to, right? And Dave was there. Yeah, yeah. That was, I think it was the same weekend, but it was a different fraternity. Oh, it was one of the, it was like from, it was like that thing from the Facebook movie.

It was a finals party, the final house or whatever. Yeah, we were tapped by two final houses that night. Yeah, we were invited to a finals party and I remember it was so fucking insane. It was just a mansion that was a club. There was a giant ice luge in a formal dining room. Everybody was just smoking cigarettes inside, strobe lights upstairs.

I remember literally dancing on the biggest dining table I've ever seen. Yeah, probably from 1743. There was just somebody walking around in a fur coat. I'm eight years older than anybody at this party. That's the only way to feel like a Harvard sophomore is to be a 29 year old non-Harvard person who's doing a live show in Boston that day.

I needed the confidence of somebody that sold out the house of blues to be able to walk in there. And again, tickets for our Philadelphia show, not selling well. Really bad. We need to go to UPenn. And if there's something I could be inducted to

in Pennsylvania, I think that would be really nice. Fuck, even if it's Temple or Drexel or whatever, I don't care. Our first live show ever, I believe was in LaSalle, our first college show, which is in Philadelphia. That's right, that is right. I don't know, bookends, something there, something special. Do you remember who hosted that show?

It was you and me performing with? I don't remember, Dan Levy or somebody? Dan Levy was the host, you and I, I think he introduced us and it was John Mulaney. God, whatever happened to him? I feel like I haven't heard much about John Mulaney since that night. I guess comedy is not for everybody. Couldn't cut it.

A lot of people can't, I mean, even us were struggling to sell tickets to the L.A. office. It happens to everybody. We've only sold three tickets to Philly. I wonder if he's in the lampoon. I think he is. I think they name dropped him. Did he answer the riddle correctly though?

I wonder if they just sort of ushered him from room to room. See, they must've had such different experiences because when it's just Fallon or it's just Mulaney, they are alone doing all of it. So it might've been actually kind of intimidating. Maybe you get more into it. Yeah. It had like a sleep no more vibe if you've ever done that.

It was like the immersive play experience. I haven't, but it does. I mean, it rings true from what I know about sleep no more. Basically sleep no more, except everybody's teasing you and they're 19. Yeah, exactly. All right, I scroll down memory lane. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode

of our show. Hey, oh, Squarespace. The best way to build a website. Jake, you've used it. Mm-hmm, many times over, many, many times over. If Jake can build a professional-looking website, then you can too. Trust me, this guy's a fucking idiot.

Yeah, honestly, not smart. this guy's a fucking idiot. Yeah, I'm honestly not smart. I am not smart at all. I'm not the brightest tool in the shed. What? Or the sharpest light in the bunch? What? This guy, he doesn't even get these fucking metaphors. He's so fucking stupid, but he's also kind of smart

because he was able to come up with two of them to interchange on the fly. So that's kind of interesting. How do we square that circle, bud? I don't know. How do we square that space? Nice. So if you're thinking about buying a website, a domain,

yeah, you can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace. For example, Jake, what's still available? QuietBud.com? Yeah. Yeah. Wow. QuietBud.com.

That's a lot better than mine. Yeah? Yeah. Mine is ZamZaniel.com. That's not bad either. There's actually two pretty good ones. Right? ZamZaniel.

Yeah, two really good ones. Yeah. Right? Available right underneath your nose and I bet they won't last long so get on it That's right Just go to Squarespace comm for a free trial and when you're ready to launch go to Squarespace comm Segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain, right?

Simple drag-and-drop technology can create beautiful designs instantly. You can create a portfolio You can buy a website for someone else. You can even do an online store. They have AI and SEO. Oh, everything you need to create an awesome. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, quietbud.com. .com.

No, no, no. Again, that's squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash segments to save 10% off your first purchase of that website or domain. Quietbud.com. Nice. Thank you, Squarespace.

Thank you to Rocket Money for sponsoring this episode of our show. Oh yeah, baby. Ah, finding unwanted subscriptions and letting Rocket Money cancel them. What a great way to save cash. It's a wonderful feeling. It's a wonderful feeling to just clean up shop.

Yes, most Americans think they spend about $62 per month on subscriptions. Wrong. But the real number is closer to 300. Wow, wow, wow, everybody. You're probably wasting thousands of dollars a year, half of which you've probably forgotten about. Thankfully you can start using Rocket Money

and they find a bunch of subscriptions and help you just cancel them, get them off your books, going forward forever. Yeah, if you don't think you have the time, you can actually just press a button and Rocket Money will cancel everything for you. That's right, Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions,

monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so that you can grow your savings. Boom. With Rocket Money, I have full control over my subscriptions and a clear view of my expenses. And you can do the same, you just go to rocketmoney.com slash segments. That's right. Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel those unwanted subscriptions

by going to rocketmoney.com slash segments. Thank you, Rocket Money. Welcome back. Hey, hey. I don't even think we introduced the show, it's segments. Segments. After all these years. Yeah.

Yeah, so when you're searching Google for Philadelphia, Jake and Amir live show segments, and we have to figure out what the segments will be for these shows too. That's true. Guarantee poetry or no poetry, right? Has to be at least one. And you said you wanted to do a mystery guest, which seems really hard

because we'd have to sneak somebody into the room that one of us doesn't see. Right. Right. Someone would be backstage with a mic saying yes or no to the questions. That's pretty cool. Actually, actually we'd have a proxy saying yes or no. So the proxy is saying yes or no. Well, one of us guesses.

Wow. So there'll be a mystery guest and a mystery proxy. Yes, exactly. Exactly. Okay, what's this segment? All right, this segment is, well, there's a popular Reddit called Ask Reddit, where people ask questions that they're curious about.

And I decided that we could just kind of make ask Reddit ask Jake and Amir because you know they're asking these are open questions anybody can answer. Why not us? So some user asks what's a toxic trait that you recognize in yourself? I'll give you I'll give you the two top answers. This person says, I'm inflexible, I want to do things my own way. The other person, the person after that says, I don't talk about my feelings at all,

it's hard to know if I'm sad or mad about something. That's interesting, that's very interesting. It sounds like somebody else. I'm sad or mad. Right. Do you think that's me? Well, I think you don't talk about your feelings. Do you think I don't know know I'm sad or mad?

I'm really sad right now and I'm mad that you think that. I do think actually that you mask your feelings, you hide them with humor. By the way, you're doing it right now. Are you okay? But that's not a toxic trait. That's actually my entire- Are you okay?

There it is. Yeah. I don't think we're gonna fucking sell out New York, man. Cry like a fucking loser. I tried to put it out of the ether. You're a fucking, you're a nerd. I guess your toxic trait is that you're really, really mean to me.

So mine is that I don't talk about me being sad, which is like kind of a nice toxic trait, really. Yours is that you're outwardly mean to people, which is probably the worst toxic trait one could have. That's the most toxic you can be. And you don't even recognize it in yourself, so which makes it even worse. I'm brash and negative.

I'm combative and mean. To a fucking fault. Actually, I'll give just a general shout out to Reddit. I've been using Reddit more and more recently. That website is getting better and better. I don't know if you use Reddit like that. But it's like, everything has a community that's like thriving and it has like interesting questions

and answers. Yeah, I disagree. I think that there are, if you know exactly where to look and if you if you find the right community, you can definitely find what you want. If you say and in general, it's a lot more positive than any other internet community I've found. I don't know about that. I think everybody at Reddit is kind of as we call them a circle jerking diva, I think people really enjoy hearing their own take and hoping their comment gets voted to the top. For instance, if you go on the surfing Reddit

and you see anybody looking, what's the best nine foot board or whatever, you'll see a lot of people being like, stay out of the water, you're a bad surfer, you don't like surfing. No way. Really? I mean, not like, not that direct.

This guy's really fucked and that gets up, they're all just mean to you for some reason. Yeah, I'm on the surfing server and it looks like a really nice place, but you're in a pinned post at the top. Please don't talk to this guy. I have a lot of money and I hate the beach. Which wetsuit keeps the sand out the most?

Looking for a surf instructor who can prop me up on a wave long enough to take a picture for my Tinder bio. I want a bookie board and see some tits. Trying to. And I'm all out of tits. How much money will it cost to close down your beach for a photo shoot of mine? Yeah, I'm surprised that the surfers,

which are already a positive community, they're not, they're not, they're not. They're not a positive community. Yeah, no, I think some of them, I mean, just like anything, but you find a lot of gatekeeping on Reddit. Oh man, especially like the parenting subreddits, they can be very, very shamy

about doing whatever you're doing. You're asking advice on like how to do baby led feeding and everybody is like, your baby's gonna choke or whatever. So there's, I agree with you. Here's an example of a good one. We were trying to get like our baby cam, our Nanit to work on vacation where we were staying at a hotel that had an unprotected wifi.

And- Right, you have to like log in to a, you put your last name and room number. Right. And how do you do that on a Nanit? Yeah, on that camera, you need to give a web, like a wireless password. And if there isn't a password, you just can't get it.

So there was like a Reddit community that had an answer and we were able to find it. But I think that YouTube is better. Because whatever I'm looking for, I usually like a video explainer. And I don't like wading through a bunch of comments and some of them are helpful and some of them are like two years old.

So they're kind of out of date. I prefer YouTube to Reddit. Interesting. Yeah, I used YouTube recently to out of date. I prefer YouTube to Reddit. Interesting. Yeah, I used YouTube recently to fix my toilet. And how did it go? Well, water's filling up your Zoom background. I hate for this to turn into a home repair hour, but I don't know if you know a lot about siphon jet clogs.

What did you do? I'll protect my sink. That's when you take a shit on the handle. And that's your most toxic trait. Oh right, we're talking about toxic traits. No, it's like my flush is becoming weaker and weaker and weaker in one of the toilets. And eventually like it took like three, four, five,

and then like it just swirled but didn't flush. Was that in the guest toilet right across the hall? Yeah. I could have told you that toilet had a very weak flush. Very weak. Yeah. It was a real issue. Well now I know why.

Yeah. Yeah, well actually it wasn't until after you got here. Well. It said it found a turd from when you were here that was thick like clay and it latched it latched on to the porcelain. The density of a bowling ball. So it was, so there was like, like a deep clog? It was a, it was a clog like, you know,

like when you flush your toilet, it goes down and up. Oh. A down and up compartment that you can't see like back there. Right, right. You can clear out with like some sort of like acid CLR that you can buy. But a cool thing that I learned is if you turn the water off to your toilet, you can flush your toilet without just the handle.

You just take a bucket of water and pour it into the bowl and it flushes. Oh yeah, yeah. You really have to trust that because you have a bucket of water that's more than the toilet bowl can hold. And they're like, just pour the entire bucket in there. And if it flushes away, that means that there's like a clog

in the flushing mechanism. And if it's totally clogged, then I'll just shoot water everywhere because there's too much room. So like, all right, I hope this works. I take this bucket of water and like pour it into the bowl and it flushes. It sounds like a regular flush,

but I didn't touch the handle at all. And then after that, there's a little bit of water left. It like flushes the water and leaves a little bit left so that when you add that CLR, it can be more concentrated and help dissolve whatever clog you have. YouTube taught me that. And it's flushing better now?

It is flushing better now, yeah. Congratulations. And does that make you happy? Because I think it's important that you talk about your feelings. It actually makes me begrudge my old man. Why did I have to go to YouTube to learn that? Adults, how do you exercise your creativity?

Yeah, no, I was gonna say maybe start a vlog. I guess we already have, then we kind of have the answer to that one. Okay, here's the question. To those who have been cheated on, how did you find out that they were cheating? Do you ever get cheated on? I've never been cheated on.

If I have, then I did actually never found out, but I was like told towards the end of a relationship that she's like, yeah, I ended up kissing this other person at a party. I'm like, okay. But it was sort of the beginning of the end anyway. It wasn't like in the middle of a relationship where I found out or I caught somebody doing anything.

I think I had something similar to that, but I think it was like, it was like after we had, you know, it was like one of those very, very early relationships where like we had broken up, but we were still kind of together, like still jealous of each other. We were on a break.

Yeah, it's like we weren't together, but we were like, but we're not hooking up with anybody else, but she was or something. It was like, I found out about an event, but I was a much, a much worse cheater. I think if I ever found out that I had been cheated on, I would have just been like, that makes sense.

That makes a lot of sense. I'm sure I did way worse. Okay, I deserve that. Okay, this is a nice one. Peeves, poll through guys. I don't know why I'm giving these people credit. They didn't write to us, but just some guy on Reddit wrote,

what is your favorite way to use the word fuck? I probably in a pain like stubbing my finger slash. That's your favorite. You love to be in pain. Yeah. It's a cathartic, like it's such that it's a visceral capital F like scream. I don't get to scream. Fuck very often.

I, I think I say fuck when I orgasm. Oh, interesting. Yeah. So you're like, I am fucking. It's almost like you're reading a chat GPT of like what the experience is like. I am fucking. This is why everyone's cheated on me.

That's your favorite way to say it too. How cool is that? Can I ask you a personal question? No. When you come, what do you say? I wanna know. That is a personal question. Actually, I don't know because I brown out.

So you say I'm browning out. I'm browning out. Oh God. I wake up and it's three hours later. It's like, it's a car accident. I don't remember the whole day. I wake up in a puddle of my own drool. What happened?

Yeah, in an adult diaper full of your semen. My brain acts as though, yes, exactly. I've been through a traumatic event, but it's like the opposite. Yeah. I guess it's an orgasmic trauma. Okay. All right, fine. Do you want another question?

All right, one last one. Ooh, here we go. What's the smoothest pickup line you've ever been told? Been told? I don't think I've ever heard a pickup line that was good or would work. I don't know if girls give me pickup lines. Yeah, definitely nobody.

Oh, I guess if one, I was taking it as just like somebody told you to use a pickup line or a pickup line that you had tried. Oh, like a guy told me to use this pickup line. I think I remember in, we were like at a bar, it was a long time ago when we were touring in DC and if you remember when I was growing my big ass beard with the bet that I had with Streeter Yeah, this was a time when not a lot of people our age had beards. I guess they weren't as trendy as they are now

so I Felt pretty self-conscious of this beard all the time. And somebody walked up to me in the bar and told me that they liked my beard. And I remember thinking that was awesome at the time. That's the reason people do that. The whole point of, it's like peacocking as they say. It's like, I'm gonna wear this thing or this thing or have this thing. I'll stand out.

And then somebody has something. Yeah, somebody can compliment. It's a conversation starter. It's an icebreaker. Cool this, nice that. Has anybody ever come up to you? Has anybody ever come on to you? I'm sure they have.

And I don't remember what the heck they said. I remember once a lady constantly flirting with me by saying that I had to stare into her eyes when we cheered. Oh, that's cute. That's pretty flirtatious because I would always look at the cup. Like, no, stare into her eyes when we cheersed. Oh, that's cute. That's pretty flirtatious. Cause I would always look at the cup. It's like, no, stare into my eyes.

Whoa. Okay. Wow. I guess it, it, it made a mark if I remember it. Yeah. That's so hot. My God, I'm turned on. I am fucking, I am fucking.

And then she's like, oh, actually, I think you have a stye. That's why I want you to look at me. That's why I wanted you to do that. Yeah, okay, confirmed. This is a wandering eye. Yeah, your left eye can't focus. I think you have strabismus or a lazy eye.

I recommend a subreddit to diagnose the entire thing. Medical stuff is also very good at subreddit. I know you got like random medical things here and there. Avital and I find that talking to people who have suffered through this thing or like combing through an entire community of people that have this thing is so much better than talking to a doctor.

Yeah, I can see that, but then I also sometimes, if I have something wrong with me, I'll look, like when I hurt my back, I was looking to see if it was, you know, what is this thing or whatever, and then you just find somebody who's had chronic back pain for three and a half years and they can't solve it, and you're like, okay, I don't know if this is helpful or scary to me, because I don't think I have that,

and I don't know if I want that, but it's like going to WebMD when you're like, I have a tickle in the back of my throat and being like, I think I have throat cancer. Throat cancer. Yeah, it's always throat cancer. Yeah, there's, and it's like the people that are posting, they are the people that are struggling.

Nobody's like, oh, I'm totally fine. And I'm on a back subreddit. My dog is healthy and I'm on epileptic dog. This is just totally cool, don't worry about it. You just end up reading horror stories, which I guess is maybe nice and cathartic because then you think about how your life is not as bad. A group therapy.

Yeah. All right. Solid seg. Thank you to BetterHelp for sponsoring this episode of our show. That's right. Jake, I don't know if your schedule has ever been packed with like activities, work projects, family obligations. For sure.

And it just feels overwhelming at times, I wanna say. That can happen, that can happen for some. Of course, so if you're feeling like you have no time for yourself, non-negotiables like therapy are more important than ever. That's true. Yeah, feeling overwhelmed, stressed no time for yourself, non-negotiables like therapy are more important than ever. That's true. Yeah, feeling overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, depressed. These are kind of normal feelings

for a modern person like yourself. And the best way to deal with those emotions is to speak to a professionally licensed therapist. And the best way to find that is by giving better help a try. Exactly, you gotta take care of yourself, fam. Yeah, I use therapy and I find it very helpful. So if you're thinking of starting therapy,

just go to betterhelp.com slash segments today. It's entirely online. It's designed to be convenient, flexible and affordable. You fill out a brief questionnaire, you get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. Whoa, beautiful.

So don't skip that therapy day. Visit betterhelp.com slash segments. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash segments. And they got some low, low prices. And if you sign up today, you can get 10% off your first month. Right on. So that's even more affordable.

You don't have to deal with those awkward waiting room interactions or being in the same room as someone it's entirely online. And again, that's just betterhelp.com slash segments for 10% off your first month. Hell yeah. Thank you, BetterHelp. Right. Thank you to Helix for sponsoring this episode of our show.

Wahoo! Jake, you sleep on a Helix. I sure do. So you know how easy it was to take that quick, simple little sleep- for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wahoo! Jake, you sleep on a Helix. I sure do. So you know how easy it was to take that quick, simple little sleep quiz. Why don't you fuck off with that attitude? Why don't you fuck off with that attitude?

Cause I studied for years and I took the exam and I passed the exam, barely by the way, barely. Cause it's not that easy. There's no pass or fail. It's just how do you sleep? Where do you prefer? At the end of the day because it's not that easy. There's no pass or fail. It's just how do you sleep, where do you prefer, firmness. That's all that matters. It is pass, fail.

And I almost failed, but I got it done. I got it done. Right. So you take this. Yeah, you take this quiz. I have a great mattress. I know you do. Because after you take the quiz,

they send you a personalized mattress shipped directly to your door, free of charge. That is correct. And there's no better way to test out a new mattress than by checking out Helix. And it's not just us. This is an award-winning mattress. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

The number one mattress picked by GQ and Wired, and it comes with a 10 or 15 year warranty depending on the model. Yeah, GQ and JQ, that's Jake QT. Jake Quarterly. Helix is offering 25% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners if you go to helixsleep.com slash segments.

Segments. That's helixsleep.com slash segments. Segments. That's helixsleep.com slash segments. It's the best offer yet and it won't last long. With Helix, a better night of sleep starts now. Thank you, Helix. Handsome. All right, we're back. Let's do a classic, an old,

an old segment that I wanna bring back, not because it's necessarily a fan favorite, it's just fun for me to play. Okay, let's hear it. And I'm talking about a game I invented that I'll take credit for. Yeah. It's called Virtual.

Virtual. And it is Verbal Wirtle. Okay, that's five, we're doing five, yeah. Virtual is Verbal Wirtle. Are you still playing W, we're doing five. Yeah. Wurdle is verbal Wurdle. Are you still playing Wurdle? Are you still playing Wurdle? I'm actually not. And I should, I used to just try to get it in one.

So I'll like open Wurdle once a day and write tiger. And it's like, if it's not tiger, I'm out. Yeah. Or begin or like some word. But now like it's been so long. I'm like, what if they already use tiger and I'm just spinning my wheels for nothing. Right.

Yeah. Cool. Good for you. I hope you broke the cycle. Okay. I got a word, so you guess. Is it Tiger? You got it in one. Amazing, fucking amazing. No.

Well, the joy of Virtle is that one, people can, it's almost like an exercise in trying to keep your mind acute and aware and being able to figure out in real time which squares are green and yellow. And then you have to figure that word out based on those clues. So give me your first guess.

Plate. Plate. Okay, plate. It's actually hard for you as well. Yes, it's really hard for me. Green, sorry. What? Gray. Asshole. Let me it's really hard for me. Green, sorry. What? Gray, asshole.

Let me start with the top. Gray, gray, gray, gray, gray. It's an all gray or an Earl gray as they call it. Really? You just eliminated P-L-A-T-E. That's wild. How about crowd? Wish I did something with another vowel, but crowd. Yellow.

Okay. Gray. Gray. Gray. Gray. Gray. All right. So all we have is a C. Okay.

Oh, and I should say you guys can play at home. I totally forgot. Oh, spunk. With a C? Of course not. No, no, no, I'll give it to you. I was gonna say. I forgot this is hard mode.

You have to use the C. Okay, I do have to, I have to use the C. Okay, so where would the C go? Well, there's no E, so OCT, it's not UCT, it could be UCT. OCT. It could be UCB. Okay, okay.

Oh my God. Um, okay. Okay. Um, Oh my God. Uh, this is a tough car game because you have to give it your utmost concentration. You probably would drive into a wall at this point. So I said plate. Okay. So S C, uh, uh, score, score, not score.

Uh, scour, scour, scour. No, we already said crowd. Fucking hell. Um, you can give up. I should say you can totally give up. I'm not going to give up, but there's. Okay. S I like SC, but maybe I shouldn't like SC as much as I do.

Maybe it's going to be CK. Um, okay. Uh, not shock. Obviously it's not a shock. Well, I mean, you can just say just to get some more information. It's not like you have to get pluck. Oh no, there's no, I mean, you can just say just to get some more information. It's not like you have to get. Pluck, pluck. Oh no, there's no, I already guessed P. That's great.

This sucks. No, no, no, no, wait. Hold on. Hold on. It's funny that you spent four minutes debating a word and then chose the worst. It's like frat, fric, fric. No, yeah. Well, yeah, fric. Yeah. I don't even think that's a word, but I'll let you have it. Okay. Just because we really have to get a third guess. We have to move on. Yeah.

Gray. No F. Gray. I already did an R. Yellow, yellow, gray. So I know there's an IC. This is obscene. And you're on, your three guesses deep. You only got three guesses left. Stick, no wait, but that was yellow. No, okay, hold on. Hold on.

Stick is. Do you want it? No, I don't. Are you locking it in? No, I don't want to lock it in. But there's an S. Have I guessed S yet? I don't think so. No, you guessed crowd and frick.

Yeah. Okay. Okay, all right. So there is, so there's, I think there's an S. Should we take this long, of course? It's really hard to fucking do this game. S, C,

Shit. That's our time, I don't know what to tell you guys. Jake milked the clock. He's stalling, I guess. I'm not stalling. I'm trying to run out. It's hard to think of the, it's really embarrassing. This is embarrassing.

This is embarrassing. I really, I would challenge anybody to sit in this hot seat. Okay, this is, it honestly is exactly what I felt like at the lampoon. This is exactly how it felt. It's like, now I'm nervous that I'm so dumb that I can't think of a word

and it's kind of making my brain shut down. But I know there's an S and a C and an I. I don't know there's an S but I just. Why do you know? Because I feel like you were really eager to give me stick. And I feel like, okay, how about, but not stack, and it's not stuck.

Could it be stuck? No, it wouldn't be, because I think it, was there a K? But then I did plate, what did I say? Plate, crowd, what was, oh, frick, yeah, yeah, it's not that, it's not stuck. You just want me to guess that, it's not Stack. You just want me to guess it, you piece of shit.

Scion. S-C-I-O-N? Yeah. Okay. I know I already guessed it out with the crowd. Everybody at home could shut up. Yellow? Yellow.

Yellow? Right, because I didn't move that. Gray, gray. And you are four guesses deep. I didn't learn anything. And you have not gotten a creative. I didn't learn anything. You have five and six left. There's, but there's an S and there's a C.

Oh, I should say this word is so weird. You probably have never heard it. Nor do I think I'm spelling it correctly at all. Okay, maybe it starts with an I. The word was fric. Fric. Oh my good Lord. This is so sad.

We've never done this before, but I think we have to cut this. Like we can't let this get out. Yeah, we can't release this, right? We cannot release this. All right, what's the goddamn, what's the word? It's an illegal episode. No, you're not giving up.

You have five, you have another guess. I have one more guess. Is this crazy? Or do I have two more guesses? I have six, yeah. Okay. You got Plate, you got, what was it? I don't know. Frick, Scion.

Yeah, Scion, crowd, I think. I think I, let me guess the first word again. Just like erase everything that I have ever even said. Let's start from scratch. Oh my God. It's gotta be it. That's a seven letter word. We'll have to move the I.

Okay. I ca, I ca, I ca, I ca. I see. No. What? Why would? Why would it be that? I cash I cash. I is that even a word? Is I cash a word? It has to be right? Is do you think this word is easy?

I do Yeah, you're just not thinking of a very obvious word. Mm-hmm Right. I don't even think you'll get the sweet catharsis of like, oh right. Yeah, you'll just be like, oh, yeah Yeah, it's like disc but not that yeah might as well be disc. Mm-hmm. Okay and dices Yeah, might as well be disc. Okay, dices. Sure, could be dices. You can guess that and see how it does. Yeah, why not?

Just because you have fun. Oh no, I already, I have crowd as a D in it. Oh hell, this sucks ass. This absolutely sucks. You can't, it's- I think I could tell why you stopped playing Wirtle. No, Wirtle is a lot easier. You can, you know, you don't have to do this in Wirtle

because you can see all the things you've already guessed. It's really hard to keep track. That's the Joy Slice challenge of Wirtle. Okay. Which is once again, verbal Wirtle for turtles. Coins. C-O-I-N-S coins. I keep on guessing this goddamn O, just whatever.

I don't care. Yeah, now we're at the I don't care. I don't care. Flipping the Monopoly board over. Yellow. Gray. Yellow. Yeah, because I haven't moved any of these letters around.

Gray. Yellow. And now you definitely don't remember and you have one last guess. You have yet to get a green because you don't deserve a green. Okay, let's just look at my keyboard. I can do that, right?

Jesus, you just texted me, please just let me know what it is. That's so fucking pathetic. All right, bye. Oh my God. I know that it's not spice, but I'm just gonna say spice. Spice. I know. It's yellow. Yellow. Spice. Spice. I know. It's yellow, gray, yellow, yellow, gray.

Gray. I know that. What's the goddamn word? The word is music. It was just music. I don't know what else to tell you, man. I'm sorry. It was M-U-C-I. Music to my ears.

That is music to my ears. Because now it's your turn. You little piece of shit. Yeah. Let's see how easy this game is when you play it. Okay. Go ahead. I've got the word. Let's see how easy this game is when you play it. Okay. Go ahead.

I've got the word. I guess I'll start with music just since it's on the brain. Okay. See short circuit again. Gray, yellow, gray, yellow. Oh. Oh. Gray. Wow. So it has a U and an I as well.

Let's do fluid. Green. Green. Green. Green. Green. Green. Yeah. I almost didn't guess fluid because the eye wasn't green in the first guess when you said yellow for some reason, but I thought you messed up. I overrided what the true sense of the game was and figured that the Virtle Master would be wrong and I was right you were wrong and I got it in less than a minute and I did get it in two. Let's promote our new Tottenham podcast. Let's close this goddamn show.

Let's talk about the new show that we have over on Patreon. Oh yeah, the Coysboys. The Coysboys. Coysboys is a totally new podcast we have on our Patreon. Jake is walking me through the world of English Premier League football. Yes. Through the lens of the Tottenham Hotspurs.

But I'm not ready to commit just yet. I'm sampling other squads. No, you're pretty fully coys. You've been to a Tottenham game. The only other team you really could root for is Burnley, but they've been relegated. So it's kind of the only Premier League game that you have been to is a top game.

That's the only team that you've been to. I would like to see them play every squad once. So I think I can put them above Leicester City, however it went. Because we saw them play Leicester. And what did you like about the ways that the Spurs played that game? They passed really well, and they had a lot of chances

at goals, though they didn't actually find the back of the net more than once so it was a one-one draw which was not super exciting but at the very least they were attacking a lot they weren't on the defense. Tottenham had like 15 shots 13 corners it was it was an exciting game frustrating but exciting anyway it was a fine draw. Check us out if you're if you're on a Premier League journey because I know a lot of people are. It's over on patreon.com slash j a. Yeah. And that's in addition to the jaykenamere watches that we still have up there. Exactly. If this goes well, that's potentially another 38 episode

podcast this year. If we if we cover every single one after every match. Yeah, we'll be. It'll have to be otherwise. How will you become a fan? Seems like a lot. Yeah. No, it's not that much. The first game was, yeah. Second game is really early on Saturday.

7 a.m. your time. 7 a.m. that's not that bad. You can get up for that. I've gotten up for a game at 4.30. It's really early. It's way too early, 4.30. Why would a game start that early? Well, because overseas it's starting at 930. Or maybe I was visiting LA at the time.

Why would it start that Burnley? Nice. That's right. Another team. I'm learning. And you can too on patreon.com slash J.A. Right on. And thank you guys for watching.

And again, get tickets to that Philadelphia show. Sorry, the New York show is sold out. I don't know what to tell you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. on patreon.com slash J egg right on. And thank you guys for watching. And again, get tickets to that Philadelphia show. Sorry, the New York show is sold out. I don't know what to tell you guys. You snooze and lose. The tickets were fast and fierce at NYC. So if you're halfway in between Philly and New York,

you can actually see our, the first segment show will be Philadelphia. That should be an even more exciting show. So we'll see you there. And we'll be back next week. Goodbye for now. Right. Ciao everybody. That was a Hidgum Original.

Hi, Nicole Byer here, newcomers with Lauren Lapkus and Nicole Byers doing a live-streamed fan choice episode for the finale of our season on iconic sports movies. That's right, you can finally tell us what we should watch and on September 5th at 4 p.m. Pacific Time we'll recap the winning movie and improvise a sequel with our friends Paul Scheer and Rob Hubel live. Head to my Instagram or head gums to vote on the movie and then head to moment.co, C-O slash newcomers to buy tickets. Again, tune in September 5th at 4 p.m. Pacific time. If you can't watch it live,

the video on demand replay will be available for 10 days. It's gonna be very fun. Don't miss it. Get your tickets at moment.co slash newcomers. Bye!