If I Were You - 430: Dance Party

Episode Date: April 13, 2020

In this episode we take a trip down memory lane and answer some old questions about travel, tinder, and kittens!For more IF I WERE YOU check out our Patreon.com/JA for bonus Thursday video episodes.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Awesome. I would love if this just becomes sort of like a Blink 182 cover theme song podcast. That would be good for me. Yeah. It seems like that's what's happening. Yeah. And that's trending in the right direction. In an ideal world, this feed would just be nonstop Blink 182 parodies and we wouldn't even host a show. We would just sort of aggregate the theme songs. Or you would. Giving me a bit more free time to focus on personal projects.

You sort of want carte blanche access to your free time with regards to still making the cash but working less to get that money. Right. Because there would be six ad breaks in our Blink 182 aggregate pod. You compile. I'll do some ad reads. I'll obviously have to phone it in a little bit so you'll need to fix them in post as it were. The split obviously being between you and I, something like 60, 40, 70, 30 in my favor. And that will give me time and it'll give me access. Sorry. That is so specific and detailed. There's no way you thought of that right now. This has been in the works for a little bit, it seems.

Yeah. So I have a rollout strategy. I have an Excel. I have a PowerPoint. I have a bit of a, yeah, I've got a game plan. Okay. Yeah. This has been, I've been working on this for some time and actually who wrote that song? Yeah. It's Zach Poole. He was saying. Zach Poole and I have been collaborating on this effort. It's a collab. Yeah. It's a collab.

So yeah. So you and Zach, by the way, he's part of a band called Awkward Days. Exactly. Spelled D-A-C-E on Spotify and SoundCloud. I knew that. Yeah. I knew that. So what we're doing is basically a shout out for Blankwin 82 parodies. Ideally we can do maybe 15 minutes worth, quick break, two to three ads.

Yeah. Another 15, two to three ads. Yeah. Another, like maybe just like a closing thought from you. Just like whatever you whip out of your ass and then an ad or two. So that way we're really monetizing the hell out of it. We're going to want to monetize the hell out of it because the ad. Because you want the money, right?

Yeah. The cash is in my favor. I have access. I have control. I just clicked through to their SoundCloud Awkward Days. It looks like they're a few 18 year olds, a few 19 year olds. Yeah. There you are. You're their manager or something. That's right. Yeah. So I actually have a pretty sweet deal with Awkward Days.

I ended up getting them. So I take 90% of whatever they net. Got it. Usually the manager takes 10, but we reversed the shit. And the reason we were able to do that is because I lied and I said, manager traditionally takes 90% and I'm willing to give you a traditional boilerplate deal. And they were like, that seems like a lot.

I was like, look, this is your chance. And they said, no, we're going to pass. And then I had the power of attorney. So I was able to sign on their behalf or forge their signatures. Anywho, I am getting their Spotify royalties. It was pretty easy. So yeah. So that's good. Yeah. Thanks to Zach for writing that email that I was going to say.

And I appreciate the time you took. Yeah. Of course. You're scamming teenagers of me. I'm a nefarious little troll man. Much like Hugo. Hugo style. All right. We are back in action. You're still upstate.

I'm still in LA. We're watching the numbers. Generally quarantining, generally self-isolating, but this has become the new normal. Yeah. It's weird. It's like, where would you go if you could go anywhere? I'm like, I really don't know.

No clue. It's so normal to just like, to feel like you can't move and to see restaurants and bars just be closed. It's hard to imagine. My new scary thing is that I'm getting used to this lifestyle. Now I'm going to have some sort of Stockholm syndrome when everybody's at a party and I'm like, oh, I want to zoom in or something. I don't want to drive right now.

Yeah. I do. It's hard to imagine like just going into the office. But I think it'd be good. I don't know. I'm looking forward to those, the tests that will tell you if you have the antibodies. That's going to be some good shit.

That's going to be, that'll be a nice little development right there. So you're saying just like a quick little swab and then it's like, oh, by the way, you had it or you have the secret antibodies so you're not at risk. You're asymptomatic. Yeah. That would be awesome. I guess the downside would be if I took the test and they're like,

yeah, you never had it and you're susceptible. And I'd be like, oh, well, inside with me then. And now I'm extra scared. Because at least I know it's possible. Right now I'm operating on like 50% scared when I go out because I'm like, oh, you know what? Like the silver lining part of my brain is always just like, I probably had it or I'm immune.

Like I live in New York City. I would have had it by now, you know? Yeah. But then if I found out I definitely didn't, I'd feel a little more vulnerable. Yeah. I'm going to say, I'm going to go out on a limb and say you probably didn't have it.

Really? Yeah. Wow. I feel like I did. Because you would have been like quite ill. Yeah. I guess that's fair. But I could have been asymptomatic.

25% of people show no symptoms. I don't know. I don't know if that's true. But I'm not willing to look it up so we can claim that. Correct. Cool. No one knows anything. Yeah.

All right. I figured since we're still hopped up in our homes, we might as well try to answer some more questions for more people. Real questions still rolling in via email. But I didn't actually find any questions this episode, unfortunately. And then I thought it would be interesting to play a game.

Oh! Wait. Oh! Are you really isolating with fucking Game Boy? Yeah. So me and the Game Boy. Because the Game Boy, he actually went to, he was in mainland China for a little bit.

So he came back and he quarantined at my house. Oh my God. So maybe you did get sick. I probably did. The Game Boy definitely had it. Yeah. The Game Boy was sort of at a commission for 16 days. A deep cough, high nausea, fevers.

No! It sounds like. Ow! Ow! So he's a robot but he can still get human illnesses. Essentially. That's how fucking powerful this thing is. The nice thing about the Game Boy is that now we're going

to be able to search for questions that aren't corona themed. And we can stop thinking about the fucking thing for a little bit. I see questions from old world. Yeah. Old world. The better world. A simpler time. When the big issue was just like someone not doing their dishes and they live with you.

Yeah. When Gayatee ruled the day. The Gayatee. All my advice is going to be, I just don't fucking worry about it because you're living in a time and place where you don't have to stay inside or an invisible enemy might kill you next. Oh. This person's dead.

We don't have to answer that question. All right. So do you want to search for a specific word? Oh yeah. Well yeah. I mean that's the game. Oh! I'll say the word legalese.

Legalese? Legalese. Wow. Like I don't speak legalese. The way lawyers speak. Yeah. I want to, I'd like a legal drama, a procedural right now, that's a comforting format. This is insane.

I've never experienced this before but I searched legalese and you have won the game. Oh my God. Oh my God. There's literally one. Mary a spam. It's just one real question from 2014. Is it unread? Legalese, no other email in our inbox has that word in it.

I've won the game. I can finally die. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. The Game Boy exploded into a semen ghost and rose to heaven. All right.

Let's get this, let's see what this person wrote in October of 2014 before Trump was president. Jesus Christ. What a world. October of 2014. What kind of problems did this person, could this person have actually had? What was wrong in his life? Yeah, this is six years ago. Hey, Jake and Amir, I'll just get down to brass tacks and make it simple.

I'll cut to the chase and leave out the legalese Japanese bullshit. Okay. I think legally, I think legalese Japanese is from a Jake and Amir, right? Yeah, so that's how I knew it. Wow, okay. There's this kid I know from school who's a bit of a pain in my side, a thorn in my paw if you will. He's a year my younger and a grade below me.

I have no problem with lower grades and have friends in every grade. I do, however, have problems with annoying people. You see, last year I sat at my regular lunch table with my friends and we'd, as we've done since freshman year, I'd always welcome anyone who wanted to join us, especially if they normally sat alone. But one day, one boy decided to sit with us and begins talking away. This is fine at first, but greats after about a week. Every time he saw me in the hall, he'd squeal, hey, Zach.

We didn't give this guy a fake name because I assume he's no longer with us. To all around to here and look at me with those judgmental teenager eyes. He'd do this just to annoy me as he made it so abundantly clear. After the year ended, it was fine. Come this year, problems start again. He continues his squealing techniques and starts following me down the halls to my class. I just started ignoring him and pretending he didn't exist, hoping he'd get the message, but he didn't.

In fact, he sent me one of his own over Facebook, which I accepted. Sorry, one of his sent many of his own over Facebook, which I accepted his request for reasons I'm still not sure of. Here's a transcript of his messages. Hi, hi, hi. Why don't you answer me? Hi. Respond, God.

Danny. And then ask him, damn it. I'm sure you can see. I'm sure you can see how this be an issue. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but he bothers me. What can I do to make it clear that I don't want him to talk to me with warm regards, Zachary. Zachary. Oh, man.

What a wonderful bomb this email is. Can you imagine a problem? So inconsequential as somebody who annoys you when they sit with you at lunch. My God. A 45 minute nuisance on the daily, five days a week, of course. Yeah. I mean, I understand how that was, that was a problem in old world when you, when you could have a table of friends eating lunch, but that is, it's, it's not a factor these days.

Yeah, that'd be nice. They could just sort of sit next to you while you eat food. That's, it must be nice. Well, let's answer this question for the future when people forgot that this has ever happened for when the robots are digging through the remnants of society and they have awkward lunches and they want to listen to this podcast and figure out how to tell their friends that they don't want to see them. What do you do?

Did you ever have annoying people in your high school tracking you, following you, messaging you? Yes, definitely. I feel like in high school, I was like, I had this, I like wasn't popular, but I was like a goofy, funny kid. So like the popular kids got a kick out of me and let me hang around with them sometimes, but it wasn't like I was fully embraced and, and had a place to sit at the lunch table. So I kind of like existed in two or like in multiple worlds really.

I also had friends in like my, the hometown I grew up in and I went to a different high school. So I don't know, it definitely rings true to me that I was like friends with people in school that I didn't really like that much out of necessity. So I didn't have to sit alone at a lunch table. Right. So what did you do? I think I feel like I did what anybody in high school would do like this guy and just

like kind of ignored the people that annoyed me when they annoyed me. Interesting. High school seems like a, it's, if this was happening in college or post college, I feel like people are like ready to have conversations, but it's, I can't imagine being like 16 and being like, Hey, I think you're cool, but you're just a little much. So you got to, you got to like turn it back down to like a six from, from this 11. Right. I never had any like annoying people following me, but I would like annoyingly follow people

around. So I was sort of like a dickling and a nuisance to people and people sort of usually for the most part kept away from me, I guess, cause I exuded an air of quiet confidence about myself. But a lot of times my friends would have to sit down and like joke around with me like, Hey, I'm going to need you to take it down to a six or you're creeping us out or like, we don't feel comfortable eating lunch with you right now anymore. And I would, I would laugh.

That doesn't sound like a joke at all. They're not anything like silly about it. We don't feel comfortable eating lunch with you anymore. Well, I was wondering if it was the quiet confidence thing or if it was like, What was quiet about your confidence? It sounded like you said you were following people around and bothering them. Cause I was very, I was thin and pale that year. So like I was often like greasy and pale and I would like, I was the kid who wore shorts

even though it was like 48 degrees and drizzling and they're like, what's wrong with a mirror? And I'm like, I would do characters. So I'd be like, oh, I'm a weirdo, but I would do that for like two years straight. You also had like this back knee that would pus out of your shirt, right? Like your shirt would often be wet and it would look like sweat stain, but it was like it was actually back grease. Yeah. I had back knee.

I had rack knee. So that's like all over my chest and I had B cups that year. And then I also had, I had knee knee. So on my knees was little acne. Yeah. I remember your acne. This is what you told me when you started at college. I remember your acne was so bad that you couldn't wear your back knee and your, and your chest

knee was so bad. Your rash was so bad you couldn't wear a backpack. So you had, you had like, you pushed your books in a stroller at school. Well, what ended up happening, it got onto there. So I had back pack knee. So like my entire, my entire backpack was covered in this rash and then I also had back knee in my, on the back of my knee. So I had back knee, back knee, which is like, you know, where you like, you, where you sort

of bend your leg, there's like the back of your knee is kind of sweaty and swampy. Yeah. The back of your knee had acne. Yeah. So I had back knee, back knee. And then I also had sack knee, which is not, I was going to say, yeah, it's on my testicles. Right. Well, you think that's kind of what it sounds like.

Well, it was inside the scrotum. Right. Okay. So you said people didn't want to, but you also, and you also like annoyed people. Because this is all really like physical stuff and you, I mean, you sound appalling, of course, but you also said you had a quiet confidence and you would be a dickling and a nuisance. For years. Yeah.

For two years, I did this bit where I would have a really loud voice. So like whenever someone would talk to me or call on me at school, I would scream at the top of my lungs, kind of like as a bit and everyone like was in on it. So they rolled their eyes and be like, what's wrong with this kid? Why is he here? He shouldn't be here. His parents. Yeah.

Does that sound like they're in on it or does that sound more like they didn't like it? Right. Because like, yeah, that was the bit that they didn't like it. Well, it's not really. Did you think that was funny? Was that a funny part of the bit to you? No, it was like, I would play along. So I'd be like sad and like talk to them.

I would eat lunch at the principal, right? So like, how long did this, how long did this bit last? Was it all through high school? Yeah. From like 90, I want to say from 99 to 2002. So yeah, that's all, that's all through high school, right? And then it bleeding into college, I would like, yeah, have lunch with my high school principal.

But he had Sackney, too, so he had something in common. It was a, it was a woman. Oh my God, your sexist. Holy shit. I got you. How did this story, how did this whole entire thing reflect negatively on me in the end? And it really did. The doctor was in and she was a PhD in education and I was at the accusation that she had.

What was it? Sackney? God damn it. What a fucking pair. Did we tell Zach what he should do? I guess ignore this guy. I wonder if he has Sackney, which is Acne all over his person. Yeah, is Zach, yeah.

I think he can ignore this. I think he can stay the course or respond to every sixth Facebook message. It's true, you're not always available if people are like, I know you're seeing this like, hey, hey, hey, say hi to me. I see that you said hi, but I'm doing other shit. You don't have to be at someone's back and call. Yeah, ignoring it like he's doing could help, probably not responding to his Facebook messages would be ideal, keeping him, keeping it at an arm's length.

Right, at least keeping it to an in-person thing. And then when he says hi to you in school, you can be like, hey, I got to run. Just always kind of have an excuse in your back pocket. And I feel like he'll get the hint eventually. Yeah, I just, I don't want to be mean to the kid, but like if he's doing it to annoy you on purpose, you can ignore him. But if he's doing it just because he's kind of a weirdo, maybe you can have a serious conversation about how to make him a little less annoying.

Yeah, if that's the case, I would maybe talk to a teacher and they'll be better at it than us. Yeah. All right, let's take a break and we'll see if I can possibly win the game after that gosh darn hole-in-one lead-off homerun, legalese. That's what he is. Amazing, legalese. All right, we'll be back after these messages.

Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah.

Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not-so-tech, savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow.

We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. For my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're a great, really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool.

So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. Yeah. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice, asshole.

This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, uh, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way.

By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. She let her know with an Aura. Yeah.

Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah.

Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah.

It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit AuraFrames. That's A-U-R-A-Frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh wow.

This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's AuraFrames. A-U-R-A-Frames.com. Okay. Go get your parent something, all right, and use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free

shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult

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that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional, licensed help. And it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp.com, if I were you. Check him out. Thanks, BetterHelp. And we are back. Jake, do you have any?

Oh, it's the left side of the fight. Mom, I'm coming. Gross. No, not this week. I do think you do, right? Yeah, a little tip slash trick that's self-isolation adjacent. If you work in sometime during your day, one to two songs worth of dancing, it sort of pushes aside any level of dread slash ennui you might be feeling because it's hard to

be sad while you're dancing to a song you like. Interesting. Yeah. And you have been doing this? No. You've tried this? I've only done it once to one song this morning and I was like, oh, I remember this sensation like singing along and moving my hands and legs to a rhythm.

It felt very alien in these times, but good to experience on the day. What was the song? It was Body Movin' by Beastie Boys. Did you hear about this dancing thing and then decided to give it a try or did you stumble upon it? You started dancing and you realized you were happy. No, I knew about dancing just because in general, I know what dancing is. Yeah, so then I was like, oh, that's interesting.

And then Avi Talz was playing the song or she's like, let's dance to a song. And I was like, OK, sort of skeptical at first. And then she says, what song? And I said, Body Movin' because the idea was that my body would be moving. And then I was like, oh, I like this song. I know this song. And I'm dancing to a song like, OK, it's kind of like, I liken it to, they say when you're sad, just smile and it tricks your brain into thinking that you're happy.

So it releases serotonin. So it's like that plus music, plus movement. So it's like exercise, things get flowing. And it worked. Yeah. At least for the minutes that I was dancing, I'm like, oh, this is nice. It's sort of like I sort of like retreated back into old world ideology. And did it have lasting benefits like for the next hour or two?

Did you feel fine? Did you feel nice or was it sort of just like right back into the low? Yeah. I think it had had some lasting effects, but I haven't tracked it scientifically yet. Right. You're not feeling like right now, you're not feeling like you danced this morning. Now I am because I'm talking about it. But earlier, like 14 minutes ago, I wasn't maybe maybe subconsciously like, oh, I danced

earlier today. So that means today was a happier day for me. Yeah, that's nice. That is that's that seems pleasant. Remember when we were in Berlin? Oh, yeah. Just in general. Yeah.

Well, just like thinking about dancing, like I'm remembering that like me, you and Marty went to some awesome hip hop dance party and got like so sweaty on a huge dance floor. We were like the only American people there. It was great. Yeah. That was the opposite of what the last month was like. It was traveling plus strangers, plus foreign plus sweating on people slash being carefree and joy.

Yeah. Like so many sweaty friends, you know, that like dance move where they you just sort of like pretend to clear a big a big area for someone to dance. Yeah. Do that. Break dance. Yeah. Yeah.

I saw you posted something on your Instagram story, which is like you climbing into Dave Rosenberg's shirt on a dance floor a year ago. Yeah. And you're like, remember when we used to be able to do this? Yeah, it was fun. God, dancing, getting really close to, I mean, not, I mean, I don't get close to strangers on the dance floor anymore, but I did. I would climb into a Rosenberg shirt.

You better believe. I think it was actually Jeff who's shirt I climbed into. Oh, okay, sir. It was kind of dark on the dance floor plus their twins, so it was hard for me to tell the difference. Yeah. Plus I shrunk the video, put that Paris filter. It was dark.

Yeah. You'd really, you'd have to, you'd have to be a really a Rosenberg kind of sword to know. But anyway, that's something I'm looking forward to. Dancing with buddies again. That'll be fun. Yeah. That'll be a good time. You can dance by yourself.

Let me know how it goes. Yeah. It's funny because like I'm, I know that I would feel joy if I moved and danced and was smiling. It seems like the kind of thing that would have to be like, by surprise, like the way Avi Tal was like, let's dance. And then you do, like to me right now being like, oh yeah, I'll try dancing. Like that feels sadder to me in this moment than just lying on a couch.

Yeah. You want someone else to force you to dance. I want to be surprised with it. So you can't be the one you have to have somebody else in your house do it. I guess I could do it to someone else because then it'll give them the joy. That's cool. You can be, you could be the one that surprises them. Yeah.

That's right. Okay. I'll do that. All right. I got a word to search. All right. So some in the game, boy. Oh, did someone say game?

Yeah, I guess I did. My word that I'm searching for is gnocchi. Oh, interesting stuff to spell a little bit too. This is insane, man. I don't know if I did something weird or if I'm searching by only unread messages. But again, this is really a single email from 2014. It's crazy. Holy shit.

The Game Boy has a simultaneous orgasm tonight. This is ridiculous. People don't know how rare this is, but I searched gnocchi. It's just one email unread 2014. Same with legalities. That is, and for both of them, yeah, same episode. That's crazy. Also, miracles, miracles still exist in this world.

Oh my God, I'm dancing. I should have danced to the Blinks song. All right. This lady again, don't need to preserve her anonymity because again, she's a half decade older by this point. Allison writes, this is a pretty specific Tinder question, but I'm hoping you guys can help me out. I currently work as an au pair in Rome and I got Tinder at your recommendation.

Seriously, they should be paying you. I mostly use it to practice writing Italian as I write, swipe every Italian dude and it's an immediate match. But every now and then a cute backpacker, usually Aussie or us American, will pop up and I'm tempted to actually go meet them. Here's where my moral dilemma happens. They always seem a lot more interested when I tell them I'm Italian and even more when I say something like, well, I've never been with an American before.

It's like shooting gnocchi into a pasta pot. What? I don't even get that. I don't know either, but I'm glad she used that metaphor. Yeah, she used it. She clarifies. Basically, I don't want to be another boring Canadian girl in Italy and my accent is flawless, so is this an okay thing to do since I'll never see them again?

They get a great story to take home and tell their friends that they hashtag nailed an Italian chick while they were in Rome, or is pretending to be foreign a moral no-go. I mean, really, I just want my cannoli filled and then send them on their way. Any advice would be hashtag dope. She's a Canadian living in Italy and they're like, hey, how's it going? She's posing as an Italian. That's right. I just want my cannoli filled is maybe my favorite metaphor for sex I've ever heard.

That's great. This one feels like one of those weird things where if it was a dude doing it, I would be creeped out, but since it's a girl, it seems like it's fine. It's okay to lie to guys to sleep with them. I bet they don't mind. You're Canadian, you slept with me under false pretenses. Yeah, it's hard to imagine a dude being very upset if they found out after the fact. Right.

And especially because this has already happened, I say keep doing it. Yeah, I'm sure you did, but also I bet that they wouldn't not sleep with you if they found out you were Canadian. Right. You're saying that even if you told them the truth, it wouldn't change your mind. Yeah. I think it's going to be the same whether you tell the truth or whether you lie. So I guess do whatever is more fun.

And also you already did this and congratulations way to go. I'm going to respond to these people and ask them for an update six years after the fact. That's a fun idea. A real follow up pup. A pup is now a dog. A follow-og dog. A follow-along dong. All right.

Do you have another word to search? I don't know, man. I feel like this is such a perfect game. Do we really want to? Do we want to mess it up? Don't we want to just go out on this fucking W? Or should I come up or should I just come up with a word that there'll also be only one of?

Oh my God. Can you imagine three in a row? I mean, two is absurd, but three, that's not going to happen, right? Lily pad. That has one word. Oh, it's Lily pad two words. That doesn't count. That wasn't a pitch.

It wasn't a pitch. It wasn't a pitch. I was talking about something different. You can actually still throw a ball in a perfect game. You can even hit a batter in a perfect game, can't you? Oh, no, wait. That's just a no hitter. Yeah.

Perfect game is no one on base. Okay. Let's do, oh fuck, god damn it, god damn it. This is so, there's so much pressure. We can brainstorm too. Like I can pitch you some ideas. Okay. Yeah.

Let's make it a group effort. That'll take a little bit of the pressure off. Yeah. Something normal, but not. We also have, we have a food and we have like a law thing. Yeah. I was trying to think of something in nature. That's why I said lily pad, but maybe there's something.

What about engraving? That is interesting. I feel like that might yield spam. More than, oh, like, yeah. So it wouldn't be quite a perfect game, but still, if there's only one question, we'll still allow it to be a no hitter. Yeah. That's true.

But let's brainstorm for two more seconds, at least. Your pitch is engraving. Yeah. Mine will be. And really take your time here. Ember. EMBER. Yeah.

All right. EMBER. Oh, no. I think that's going to be bad. I think there's going to be a lot of them actually. I haven't searched it yet. Search. Well, let's go head to head right now.

Okay. If you want to go engraving, you'd go engraving. Okay. Yeah. Not quite close. What do you mean? Not quite close. 15 emails, nine from Apple, three answered, and then three unanswered.

Oh, fucking horse shoe. That's one word. I think horse shoe is one word. Okay. How'd I do? Clote. Yes. Horse shoes was in an email.

Does that count? Oh, I don't know. Because it didn't yield a result. Yeah. Wait, did it yield one result? One red result. Yes. Wow.

But not just one only one. Oh, wait. It's one result that was red. Yes. But it was horse shoes. A single email. Yeah. I mean, I'll take that.

I think that's a lowercase w. I'm counting it. Yeah. Especially because horse shoe is one word. That's right. Hold on. Because lily pad is one word. Really?

No way. Is it? No, it's not. Just sort of if you search something on the internet, it will show you an incorrect spelling of it. Right. Okay. That's the beauty of the internet.

You could just sort of pump it full of fake news just to see what happens. That's right. Okay. I spelled it wrong with multiple L's as well. Anyway, go ahead. Avery writes, Hey Jake, I need a texting Casanova and a real life Casanova for this one. This one Cali hipster smoke show girl tweeted at me calling me a cutie. We are now texting.

I'm into her and she is into me. Now for the first hurdle, the first date, I have a pretty good plan of a game of horse shoes. Did someone say game? Horse shoes. Oh. In the back, followed by a movie. The only thing I'm having trouble with is asking her out.

Should I text her or should I do it in person? How can I go about this? Help me, Jake. She is queen of the hipsters. Why does he keep specifying that she's a hipster queen? There's no such thing. Wait, how does he know this person? She DM'd him, I guess.

She DM'd him. They've been messaging. He wants to ask her out. Yeah. Should I do it in person? How the hell are you going to ask her out in person? Yeah. You don't have to do it in person.

She's online flirting with you. I think you definitely don't have to do it in person. Text her. Well, not now. I told her we're done isolating. But yeah, after that. Yeah. Again, this email is seven years old, but I'll reach out and be like, hey, I think you should

text her. Yeah, we're married with three kids by now. Awesome. That'd be awesome. That's how it goes. I guess you're welcome. Sorry for the delay. Let us know what happens, and we'll get back to you in 2027.

Wow. Yeah. I think that you definitely text. We're past the point where we're asking someone out has to be done in person. Or like, you know, there was like that debate, like, oh yeah, like he asked me out, but it was over text. Do you remember that? Yeah.

Back in the day when texting was, wasn't basically the equivalent of speaking to someone. Yeah. I also remember being like reading Tinder messages and people being like sort of weirded out that they were going to meet someone from online, and now that's like just so normal. Yeah. I have an insane update for you. Absolutely epic slash savage. What?

Did you email one of these people and they already responded? No, but I finally searched Ember, which we didn't search, and it's one unread email from 2014. I would. I hate. Oh, good Lord. I can't believe we didn't search that one. I would have assumed something was broken with our Gmail or I was searching by emails

from 2014 that haven't been read. Like it's literally all emails from 2014, one of them, and then never since all unread. But Ember comes up because that's, well, I'll read this email because it was a, it's a cat name basically. Oh, oh, interesting. I really felt like Ember was going to yield more results. God damn. That's awesome.

All right. Tell me. Right. This summer, I have been volunteering at my city's local animal shelter. In other words, I'm spending all of my free time playing with a bunch of kittens and there's this one little tuxedo cat who is literally my soul kitten. I need this kitten. I even named him.

He's got a little white diamond on his head, so I named him Neil. That's right. But I have a problem. I already have a cat that we adopted eight years ago and my dad is pretty strict about not getting another pet. I don't understand why if he's afraid of the commitment of having another animal around for 10 years, then he shouldn't worry because I'll be graduated from college in three years and I'll be taking the cats with me when I move out.

He said that his current cat, Ember, will flip out if we get a new cat. But I've read that if you get a younger cat of the opposite gender, your current cat will adjust much faster. Apparently, if you have a female cat and bring home a young kitten, the cat will usually mother the kitten. So here's what my friend and I are thinking. Since I can't persuade my dad to let us adopt another cat, I'm going to just adopt the kitten behind my parents back.

My mom will totally love a new kitten. She's just saying no because of my dad. So my question is, what do you think I should do once I get the cat? Should I make up some story about how nobody wanted this kitten and they were going to euthanize it if I didn't take it? Should I tell them to stop being asses and let me keep the damn kitten since I'll be moving out in just a couple of years? You don't understand.

I seriously need this kitten. What should I tell them so that I can keep this beautiful kitten? Thank you for the help. She needs the kitten. Yeah. You need the kitten. It's so funny to be like, why are you upset? I'm going to be moving out in a couple of years.

It's only three years. You'll only have something. You'll only have a pet you don't want for a couple of years. God. That's such a long time. Have you ever lived with a cat? I've never lived with a cat. Yeah.

When I was a kid, we had like seven cats at one time. Jesus. Yeah. Like hamsters just not in a cage. You don't have to do much to a cat, right? I feel like if you already have one cat, another cat really doesn't up the ante that much. You're already cleaning out a litter box. You're already putting out cat food.

You've got cat fur on your stuff, so it's not like, I can imagine a resistance from going no cat or two cat, you know? Yeah. Yeah. I'm pro her getting the cat and I think she should lie, say that it was going to be euthanized. She rescued the cat. Then she's a little bit of a hero in her parents' eyes. It's literally her save the cat moment.

Yeah, exactly. What do you think? Yeah. I feel like you can hide the cat in your room specifically, right? Like cats, they almost like to be enclosed, right? You're not supposed to take a cat outside. If you just keep her in the room, weeks can go by before your parents even find out. Yeah.

Well, I mean, there are outdoor cats, but I get your point and I think that could definitely work. I did something like that when I was a kid. I feel like that's definitely like a sitcom thing where like kids hide the animals from their parents. Yeah. And then it's like, wait a minute, what is this kitten? Yeah.

But I fell in love with it. I can't return it now. Well, definitely email her. I want to find out. I want to see a photo of this cat. I feel like she took the cat. Yeah, I took the cat and now she's three years into college with the cat. She's a senior in college.

Let's see it. What if I email her and the cat writes back? You think Neil would write back? Hey, this is the cat. I heard what you said about the euthanized shit. You think it's funny to joke about my demise? I know I was just a kitten, but now I'm a fully formed adult male cat. And I'm going to kick your ass, Bloominfeld.

Did I ever tell you the story about how I choked on a cat's tail once? No. It looks like we're out of time. I'll say it for a second. How did you... I thought it was... How did you have a cat's tail in your mouth? It got wrapped up with something else that I was...

Somebody did... A cat's tail was a hot dog and gave it to me in high school. I was kind of treated like, yeah. Not a hero. What's the opposite? Like in scoundrel? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Take cats and use them to troll me in a way, and I ended up... You were so unpopular that they would try to trick you into eating cat's tails. Where did you go to high school? No, I was saying that we ran out of time, so I can't get into it too much. You got into it pretty deep. You said that you were treated badly in high school, then the kids tricked you into eating cats.

I don't know what else we need to learn. I don't want that to be the takeaway here. I don't know how it could be. Didn't your principal ever try to stop? What did he say to those kids? He was eating a microwave dinner, so he was looking down, and I was eating. I was like, oh, that's funny. I think I said it to myself, this is a fuzzy hot dog or something like that, and I ended

up eating most of it, but by the time I got to the base of it, I had to... That's where the bones... You did devour a cat. Yeah. So you're a cat-able. You like that? That's good. Like a cat-able for a cat.

Yeah, that's right. That's right. And you think that's golden mic-worthy, but none of my bits were. You fucking tortured a cat as a teen. Yeah. You get a turdy for that. You get a turdy for cat. Nice.

If I didn't already take the golden mic, you would have gotten one for that pun this week. That was really good. But you said you can... That was quick. You can give away two, right? I can get two. You can get two in a... Once you've got one, you can be showered with them, but you can't have a dual golden mic.

You can have multiple turdies, and you'll actually get a second turdy for not knowing the fucking rules. Another two-turdy episode for Blumenfeld. And for you? I only got the one golden mic, but I only really needed the one golden mic. And I think that me being so humble in that regard almost is golden mic-worthy, but I won't give myself a second golden mic, not so late in the game. And that's actually double the humble for that.

E. For that double humble. Double humble is a golden mic, so I'm going to take two, but I'm going to be humble about it. You're not. It's not a big deal. I'm honored. It's not what it's about, but it means a lot.

It's everything, but it's not why I do it. This happens. It's a byproduct of me leaving it all out there on the field when it comes to this podcast, doing it for the love of the cast, and I appreciate the golden mics. I appreciate the fans. E. Who are you talking to? You gave yourself the award for being humble.

Who are you fucking thanking right now? I didn't give myself an award for being humble. I did it for being double humble. Double humble. Did I refuse the award? I refused the award twice. E. No, you didn't.

You accepted two. E. Yeah, I accepted the first one because you have the award one. The second one I didn't want because I wasn't going to take it just for being humble, and then I was going to take it, but I was like, it's too late in the game. It's too late to award a second. Right. And I feel like me honoring that rule so hard after refusing it the first time, that

was double mic-worthy, golden mic-worthy, excuse me. You're double. You're double humble. E. Yeah, double. That's a good pun. I would honestly give you a golden mic for that if it wasn't so late in the game. You can't have a mic, a golden mic awarded this late.

This late in the show. E. You just gave yourself a second one this late in the game for not accepting it, which is like a fucking paradox. E. Well, that was like two minutes ago. That was like two minutes ago. It was late in the game, but it wasn't like under the wire.

Plus you already have two turkeys this episode, so you can't get the golden mic. E. I don't think that you can do that. E. You're fucking, what are you talking about? You're literally making up the rules as you talk and you're saying, I don't think you can do it. You don't have to think.

You just have to say it. E. Yeah, no, I don't think you can, I don't think you can eliminate a turdy, but even if we did at this stage, you'd still have a turdy standing in your name for this episode, so. I just don't know what it buys you, and I don't think it's worth changing the rules for it. E. Sweet.

All right. Thank you. E. Yeah. E. Wow. Thanks. That was pretty gracious of you.

I'd give you a golden mic if they were. E. Yeah, if it wasn't too late in the game, I know. E. If it wasn't too late in the game, two have been awarded. You already have two turkeys. You already know. E.

Yes, I do already know. E. All right. E. Prick. E. What? E.

Okay, I'll go ahead and cover, of course. And this closing one is written by Trey. He's a big fan, and his brother, I don't know. My brother, Trey, showed it to me three years ago, and he wanted to submit a song. This is Lucas Piscitelli. E. Okay. E.

My artist name is Lucas, but spelled with that A that's attached to an E. What are those? E. Oh, it's like a Gaelic thing, right? E. Yeah. So, Lucas, but it's like L-U-K-A-E-S. E. Locate yeah, or his Instagram Lou Piscatelli. So thanks to Lucas. Thanks to Zach. Thanks to you guys for listening

Keep sending emails and theme songs to if I were you show at gmail.com. Keep staying inside Keep staying quarantined wash your hands be healthy be happy. That's right. And we have more we have yeah start dancing We have more if I were you On our patreon patreon.com slash J a Every Thursday, that's right. See y'all next week Later Too many times I'd scratch out too many rhymes I'd look back too many times I'd look back too many

Now yeah I think I've been so fucking done. Yeah. Yeah, not finished with them once. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah More That was a hit gun podcast