If I Were You - 431: Scam Girls

Episode Date: April 20, 2020

In this episode we discuss jealousy, iced coffee, and Middleditch and Schwartz coming to Netflix this week!For more IF I WERE YOU check out our Patreon.com/JASee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. You will be fine you fucking asshole. That was good. That was Tom DeLong's line from the Mark, Tom and Travis show, Blink 182's live album. So after they play that song, which is Don't Leave Me Off Of, I believe Enema of the State. Mark sings the finishing bar and Tom echoes, you will be fine, you fucking asshole. That's nice. That's nice for Tom. That's nice for us. It was nice for Mark and it was nice for Travis on the day.

It was written by Jack Marshall, long time listener, first time baller. He is a baller. He heard we were looking for some more Blink, obviously, so enjoy Greetings from Brisbane. I was gonna make a joke that they were recording that album in Brisbane. Damn, I wish I did now. Really? Yeah, now the coincidence will always have been after the fact tried to shoehorn it in, but it would have been cool. Yeah, just say it all, I'll edit it in earlier.

Really? Yeah. Mark, Tom and Travis, Mark, oh fuck, Mark, Tom and Travis show. P.S., if you could be so kind, I do a weekly podcast with a fellow stand-up comedian down here called Beer Shark, and we would love a shout out to that. Nice. So shout out to Beer Shark. Shout out to Beer Shark.

That was a really good cover. At first, I thought it was the real song. Yeah. Which would have been fine. I would have played that. I would have just played the song. It sounded really good. It did.

It really did. It sounded musically interesting. The voice was nice. I mean, I can sort of relate to how good the voice is. I could relate. That's truly not far from a voice that I think is good. How fucked up is that? How sad is that?

It sounds like kind of like the simple plan guy's voice, who is essentially, I think, doing an impression of the newfound glory guy. Yeah, everyone's doing an impression of an impression. It started with John Lennon, because you're playing telephone so often by the 38th iteration. It's, hey guys, there's something in the back room. That is Tom's voice, and it's so fucking soothing to me. I think we talk about Tom's voice a lot. But again, I have to ask you, Tom's just at home with his wife or whatever. And he's like, hey, so for breakfast, does he actually talk like that?

Do you guys want oatmeal or is that like a singing affectation? I think he hams it up for the singing, but I think that's his accent. You've seen interviews with him, I'm sure. Yeah, but I've seen the urethra chronicles, like the old Blank 182 self-made documentary. But yeah, when he does the interviews about the alien stuff, which I find a little depressing. I don't like watching those, but yeah, I think that's kind of his voice. You don't like watching them because you think he's kind of right, and you don't want to admit to yourself that there's life on other planets.

So why are we living on ours? That's not entirely it. I guess I haven't explored whether I think he's right or not. I don't think he's right, I guess. Would you say the truth is out there? I'd say the truth is out there. Yeah, I would say he's out there. I mean, he's an astronaut himself.

Well, he's not an astronaut. No, obviously not. Astronauts are trained physical physicists. He does go to space. He goes to space. He's just not NASA astronaut. Can he be an astronaut if you're not NASA? Yeah.

Because Russians, they called cosmonauts. Right. And I don't know why was that different? Yeah, why is that the American term for a Russian astronaut? Because they don't speak English unless cosmonaut is like an Americanized version of a Russian word. But it's the same. The NAUT at the end is the same. They're just going into the Cosmo and we're going into the Astro.

And what does not mean? Because it's also like, it's night, right? Not. Yeah, what else ends with NAUT? Dreadnought. Yeah, fear not. Anyway, you're drinking Starbucks. I'm drinking Phil's coffee.

Life is trending back to normal or at the very least we're forcing it to be that way. There are little tiny little perks of old society that you can cling on to. I am tasting a Starbucks coffee. But instead of walking to one, what did you have to do to obtain yours? I had to drive 30 minutes to one, go through the drive through and was handed a coffee by someone wearing gloves and a mask and I was wearing gloves and a mask. So it doesn't feel quite like going into Starbucks in the old world. But the familiar taste is the same. And now that I'm home drinking it, it brings me back to better days.

How about you? Yeah, I got Phil's, which is one of my favorite coffees. Maybe my favorite coffee in LA and because I couldn't have it for a month or was at the very least too afraid to go out and get it. And maybe I still should be. The fact that I have it once in 38 days means it's more special. It feels better. Yeah, that's true. How did you get it?

Did you walk into it? It was pretty interesting. I ordered it online, which is how I normally do. But instead of going into the store, it's blocked off and then there's just my coffee sitting there in the middle of an empty Phil's. I'm like, oh, that's my coffee. And then somebody again, wearing like a hazmat suit gives it to me. I'm wearing a mask and a glove and I take it like it's a sample of contaminated virus that I'm not supposed to get within six feet of. And then I just start, I go to drink.

I'm like, wait a minute. I'm wearing a mask. I can't drink it yet. So I have to drive it to a safe place, wash my hands and then sort of affix my lips to the opening of the lid. I'm like, wait a minute. Did that just undo everything that I've done? I'm wearing a glove and I'm just sucking down this plastic top. The guy at Phil's is still just not wearing a glove or a mask at all.

It's just this greasy teenager coughing into my drink. Yeah. Seeing that you were drinking it directly from the plastic lid on, I would have put it in a glass. I think I would have put it in a glass. You're dead now. Is it not still traveling through the plastic? Is it not being held into the cup? I have no idea.

I really don't. Do I try to minimize the amount of receptacles it's been in? If I pour it into a glass, what if the glass has it? Right. Anything's possible. Anything's probable. Everything's bad. But at least the coffee's good.

When you went to Starbucks, did you also get food because you could? I actually did not get food. You didn't get your classic croissant? No, I did not. But I had gotten it before this at another Starbucks drive-through. So I haven't not had Starbucks for 30 days. I think it's been like two and a half weeks. You know what I got yesterday for the first time?

We're talking real risky shit. I feel bad even talking about this shit. What did you do? I went to a fucking whorehouse. Oh, God. Yeah, that's really bad. That's really bad. Even in like, yeah, I mean, that's bad behavior even when there's no pandemic.

That's just bad all the time. It wasn't even for sex. I went to get a receipt. For another time when you had gone there to have sex. For tax purposes, yeah. Because you had blown a lot of headcum's income. We have to count it against it as like a research expense or something. Now what I actually did was I ordered sugarfish sushi to be picked up.

And you're saying that's risky because sushi is like handmade? Yeah, handmade raw fish. I'm not heating it up. I'm just taking it, opening the box and eating sushi. I haven't had sushi since like February. Yeah, I haven't either. But I'm not sure that I would be like, I guess I've like avoided takeout kind of in general. But I think I would not be like more afraid to eat sushi versus any other takeout.

And I'm wondering if that's not really happening in like New York City right now or people are like not just going to a sushi place and getting takeout. Yeah. Is that like more of a lax California thing right now? It must be. I don't know. I feel like sushi wise, they've always been like pretty good about like cleanliness, you know? Like it is prepared by hand and served raw.

So I would trust their standards more so than like Chipotle, which is a place that has gotten people sick many times. Even before Corona. Yeah. Well, that was, I ate it Thursday, April 16th. So if you guys hear me coughing on Thursday, April 23rd or in a hospital on Thursday, April 30th, you'll know why. Right. But for now, we are recording podcasts just like we always are. If I were you, the only advice podcast on the web hosted by us, I'm Amir.

I am Josh. And as of now, we're still healthy. Still fine. Which is the most you can ask for in this crazy world. You sent me some questions. I did. I sure did. Not once you wrote, but once that you found.

Yes. I didn't have any questions for you, but I did find some in our email. Oh, I like this one called dumb investment. Yes. Yes, indeed. Okay. I am like Jeffrey the dumbass says, we'll call this guy Jeffrey. I love that this, well, you'll see, but I love that this guy calls this thing an investment.

Okay. Right off the bat. He's not even smart enough to know what an investment is. All right. I met a bitch on Tinder who said she liked my hot ass profile pic. She was a dime piece beauty. So I added her on Facebook after we talked a bit. She told me she was a cam girl.

Very nice. And she wanted to invite me to see her. At first I was a bit skeptical as one would be, but after she said it was free, I agreed to join when she sent me the link to her website. It wanted my credit card information, but it still said it was free. After I agreed to register to the website using my credit card information, I couldn't even find her on it. After that, she sent me the link to another website who asked for my card information that

I ended up giving. This happened three times total. And I can never find her on any of the websites. And that's when I gave up. Good man. After a while, when I checked my mobile bank, my card had been charged from three mysterious sources, of course. The cost was around $90 in total, obviously.

I quickly understood that this must have been from the website's right that I gave my credit card information to. And I started complaining and sending emails to cancel the account and giving me my money back. I haven't gotten any responses yet, naturally, and I am worried that my card is going to continue getting charged. Of course. I'm lost and I don't know what to do.

Please help. P.S., she sent me nudes throughout our exchange saying she was waiting for me. All right. So this guy was scammed. Did he realize, is he joshing or do you think he was really scammed? I mean, this email is so earnest that I really think he doesn't know. And I'm wondering if our fans are getting younger or something. Or are they getting smarter and they're fooling us with their silly emails?

I guess that's possible. But this is truly insane because he said it happened three times, but he's not including the time where it asked for a credit card and he didn't give it. So it happened four times. This is like the... Like it's funny to be like, on the fourth time, it's like, all right, I'm going to give you my credit card one more time, but then that's really it. I'm going to give up after that.

Yeah. Fool me thrice, shame on me. Because two times, we're not quite there yet. It's wild what a motivator being horny is. You will go to some drastic lengths. Oh yeah. Leave your comfort zone. This is just online.

Imagine like, remember bars at 1 a.m., how thirsty one could be, what texts one could send, what stupid things one could do or say. Oh yeah, god damn. Back in the old world. This reminds me of our Tinder episode where you're like, she set up a webcam for me and a few choice bachelorinos. Her name is Lode. That's an L-O-D.

He is fucked. There's no customer service for a cam scam, a scam girl of sorts. You can't email customer service of a website that was designed to scam you. It's not like they fucked up. They're doing what they set out to do, which was steal your credit card information. Thrice over. What you've got to do is go to your bank. You need to cancel this card.

You need to freeze the account. You might be able to sick your mobile bank on these guys to get the funds back. But I would stop going through them, obviously. You know how banks are having a lot of trouble right now with these loans that they have to give out and bail out and they're running out of cash? Do they also have people dealing with a guy whose credit card information was stolen? Or is it all hands on deck on the loans, the trillions of dollars that they lost? I bet.

I don't know. I'm really not sure. Thankfully, I haven't had to contact my bank for anything lately. Yeah. We don't know how busy they are over there in customer service land. Yeah. I would imagine it's quite hard, but at the very least, if you can't get in touch with your bank, you can cancel your credit card and get a new one.

All right. This guy, another question from a pawn shop date dilemma. This one's corona themed. Okay. So we'll call him Alex Cora. Nice. Hey guys. I'm Alex Cora.

Hey, I'm here, an undefeated Golden Mike winner, aka Billy Goat Gruff, aka Josh. What's up, man? Quick online quarantine dating dilemma. Matthew here. I'm 28 living in New Orleans and recently struggled single during this partial end of the world. My ex gave me back all the jewelry I bought her $800 worth when we broke up. I matched with a girl on hinge who got a job at a pawn shop.

Technically essential because it's a financial institution. And as a joke, I mentioned that I was in the market for an air fryer and a pawn shop girl says they come by them pretty often. Would it be in poor taste if I invited to go buy the air fryer that I pawn some of the jewelry for it? Would pawn girl find this petty or funny or as a way of parting ways with the past? Please help. Ooh, interesting.

Yeah. Now, this is a real question. Yeah. None of this cam girl scam girl bullshit. This is like a legit 21st century problem. This is a meat cube, man. Do you pawn jewelry for an air fryer in front of a girl you met on a hinge? Yeah.

Is that a good look? I think it's everything is a good look except I'm wondering like this is cute that he wants an air fryer. I guess I would maybe just go and pay for the like pawn it somewhere else and buy the air fryer because pawn shops, it's not just a bartering system. You know, it's cash. You know? Yeah.

Interesting. I guess I forgot about that. You can literally just go to a pawn shop and buy stuff with cash. You don't have to buy stuff with things that you're selling to them. Right. What do you? No, you don't. You pawn stuff for cash and they would like, they take cash for their products.

So I think it would actually be weirder to go with this jewelry and like haggle with a hinge match about like how much it's worth. Yeah. Because what if she's like $48? No. Okay. I actually ordered this fucking Pandora bracelet from Pandora's website. So I know it's legit and it has nine beads on it.

Okay. Yeah. You don't want your first date to be a negotiation slash haggle sesh for jewelry that you used to give to somebody else. And there's also like the idea that she might think it's funny that you're pawning an X, like jewelry that you gave an X, but she might not. So you might as well take that part out of the equation because she will think it's cute that you visit her pawn shop to buy an air fryer and you can like do a contactless pickup.

I think that'd be kind of fun. Yeah. And you don't hear a lot of stories about people like shaking a gloved hand and kissing in a mask. Do you have to do one mask or two if you're practicing safe Frenching? Yeah. What social distance Frenching these days? I'm curious about dating apps in general.

Like are people on them more because it's like I'm at home by myself and it's fun to chat with people or you're like this is fucking pointless. I don't need to be on hinge right now setting up dates for 2022. I think it's both. I think that people are... I have a friend that is on hinge and she showed me that like there's like a button that's like Josh wants to like go on a video chat date with you or something, you know? Oh, that's cute.

So like they're setting up video chats as first dates and that's kind of cool. But it's also like I can imagine some people don't really have the mental energy right now, don't really want to meet someone during a crisis. Yeah. But then there are people that are probably distracting themselves with it as well. Yeah. I imagine I'd find a lot of fun and chatting with strangers during the situation if I was home by myself.

You should download hinge. There's no risk. You won't be able to cheat on Avi Tall. Oh, because I can't meet with anybody. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you could like... If I was by myself.

Yeah. Well, it's fine. You're not going to like hook up with anyone so it can't hurt to just like match, flirt. You're a little devil sitting on my shoulder. Besides, if she brings it up, that means she was snooping on you or at the very least listening to your podcast when she promised she wasn't. Why doesn't Avi Tall trust you, dude? All right.

Fuck it. I'll download adult friend finder right now. Why not? It's asking me for a credit card. This is awesome. Three times. All right. Let me sign up for some cam sites during this break.

We'll thank some sponsors and come back with more questions after this. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is.

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It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma. She was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in.

Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like she misheard it or something like that or the way you said it was kind

of like could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an Aura.

Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny.

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All right. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place.

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that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help and it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp.com slash if I were you. Check them out. BetterHelp. And we are back, Jake. Do you have any?

Oh, it's a letter to the fight. Mom, I'm coming. Gross. I don't this week, but I think you might have something. Yeah. You know our good friends Ben Schwartz and Thomas Moodleditch have three, count them three long form improv Netflix specials that you could watch. I think they come out tomorrow, Tuesday, April 21st.

And if you don't trust our words for it, Ben actually sent us an ad. I sold him an ad so that he can talk to you guys directly. Yeah. Awesome. So let's see what Ben Schwartz had to say to you guys about these specials. Ready? Yep. Hey, what's going on?

Is Ben Schwartz a.k.a. Carrot Slat a.k.a. Cherry Dude a.k.a. They have to be I'll make up one right now a.k.a. Carlton Magazine. And I just wanted to plug. I took the stimulus check that I was given from the government and I put it right into these ads.

I mean, I haven't even received the check yet. I'm assuming we get one. And I just paid. I just did these ads because I'm here like, you want to know what a good investment is in yourself. So that's why we're doing this. Middle Ditch and Schwartz a two-person long form improv group that I do with Thomas Middle Ditch a.k.a.

Dubes. What we do is we talk to the audience for a little bit. And then we do a hour long show that has a narrative, which is exciting. So you follow a whole story through the show. We're really proud of it. We've been doing it for a while. We've been touring around. We shot these in New York City.

And then a year before that we did a show on Carnegie Hall, which was so exciting. So if you guys have a chance to check it out, April 21st, Netflix, there are three separate specials, releasing three specials at the same time. And also while I'm here, I want to plug Amir's fake glasses. They're glasses that you wear after you've already had Lasik. If you take them off, you don't do Lasik. Your vision is pretty good, but you realize you look real weird without glasses because that's how everybody knows you.

So look for those. That's the stuff that Amir does. Look for Jake. I just have beautiful cream. It's the stuff that he takes. He takes from his face and he puts it in a little jar so you can put it on your face to look as beautiful as Jake. So Amir is promoting, you know, he has that stuff, you know, that it shows his default

than Jake, that he's beautiful. But please, Middle Edition Schwartz, April 21st, Netflix, three separate long form improv specials. It would mean so much if you guys listened and watched. It's not a podcast. You have to use your eyes also. But yeah, we work real hard and we're proud of them. Hope everybody is well.

Stay safe. Bye. Very nice. You know, I was actually at one of the shows that they filmed. Oh, so were you? Yeah, I do know that because I was sitting next to you the entire time. That's right. Well, I didn't remember because I also went to their Carnegie Hall show, which I guess

you skipped. Well, I was living in LA at the time. Obviously, I wouldn't fly to New York for a comedy show. For the biggest show ever. Yeah. Yeah. Real nice of you, Bob. But one of the ones that we went to, they shot four.

And I think the one that we were at is one of the three that they are releasing on Netflix so we can speak with personal acumen as to how funny it was to see that. Yeah. Listen closely. You'll be able to hear us laughing in the audience. Cracking up. And I'm sure if you guys listen to this podcast, you'll like Ben and Thomas's shows. I'm sure a lot of you have already seen them live.

But if you haven't been able to, this is a great time to support them. Watch them all in their entirety as soon as possible so Netflix knows, you know, these are some funny guys who are very influential. And let's give them some more specials. And hey, maybe they have two shitty little Jew friends that might want their own special too. Just, you know, catching the draft off their coattails and we can ride that to the top. So you're saying Netflix will be like, oh, Ben and Thomas did so well.

We'll also give Jake and Amir three Netflix specials. What would ours, we don't do like improv or stand up or anything like that. It would be like us doing like the Game Boy for an hour on Netflix. They were like, so it's like, oh, these improv shows did really well. Yeah. Maybe we'll pay Jake some cash to go, oh, into a microphone for an hour. Yeah. Well, who's to say, if these things do really well, Netflix might have the wherewithal to

let us do like a chipmunk bit, a snail trail thing on their prestige platform. Yeah. I mean, David Spade says just being friends with Adam Sandler, like the algorithm loves him so much that it's given him like three or four movies just by being in his universe. There you go. That's all we need. Maybe we can, we'll get all of Jake and Amir on Netflix. Whoa, that's awesome.

So, okay. Why don't we be friend Adam Sandler too? That way we like, we're giving ourselves the best opportunity. So if like the middle-aged in Schwartz shows do well, that's fine. But if not, then like, we're at the very least friends with the Sandman. All we need is more like, so we need like celebrity friends as much as we can get. And then we have cloud and then we have Netflix and then we're rich. Cool.

What's step one of becoming friends with the Sandman though? You have to be like, well, yeah, I don't know how to get access to him. Does he have an Instagram? He might have a gram or like, maybe his daughters have a Tik Tok or something like that that we can sort of weasel our way into. You feel like the best way to be friends with Adam Sandler is to follow his daughter on Tik Tok as a 37 year old guy. Yeah, like a Snapchat.

Maybe like I can find them on social or maybe a yeah, or a niece or nephew. So yeah, you're going to be creepy towards Adam Sandler's nephew and that'll that'll warm warm him to you. Yeah. Like if like if Adam Sandler's nephew is on hinge or something like that and he's said his radius to being bike. I think I'm going to I'm going to end up doing a Netflix special with Micah. We're going to do like a goat show thing.

So how are you going to gain access to that? Like I'm going to friend Adam Sandler's niece on LinkedIn. You're not even on LinkedIn. I'm going to get an account. So you're going to sign up for LinkedIn. Befriend Adam Sandler's niece. Anna Sandler. And then get to the point where Netflix is giving you a goat show podcast special because

you're so close to Sandler's niece that you've become friends with Sandler himself. Any questions? None. I love the idea. And that's why I'm befriended you because as soon as the goat show does well, they're going to be like, do you know anybody else? And then you can start like shoveling off little side projects to me from through Sandler's niece.

A producer, an associate producer. I'll follow you on Instagram right now. You don't follow me on Instagram? Well, not yet because you're not worth anything yet. That actually really hurts to hear. Okay, here we go. I post some really good shit on Instagram. What's the last movie and or TV show you watched?

We're talking about Netflix. I'm in the middle of watching Ozark. Yeah, people are loving Ozark, but I haven't started it. Is it as good as people say? Yeah, I really do. I love it. I adore Ozark. I think it's great.

You'll like it too because I think it's funny. Okay, it's like a dark comedy. Yeah, it's dark. It's funny. You would like it. What about you? What are you watching? I just watched Logan Lucky yesterday on Netflix.

Do you remember Logan Lucky? No. So it's Channing Tatum has sort of a mechanic ex football player who's looking to do one last heist to make some cash to make his stepdaughter or real daughter proud because his wife married a rich guy and now he's sort of down on his luck. And then as this movie is starting and I'm watching Channing Tatum,

I haven't seen Channing Tatum in a while. It's nice to see like Channing Tatum act because he's like such a natural and he's not necessarily like conventionally hot, but he is like a super hot body and a cool attitude where I'm like, kind of reminds me of Adam Driver where it's like, this guy is just so cool and confident and tall and jacked that it doesn't really matter what he looks like. He's just giving off an air of hotness.

And then Channing Tatum walks into a bar and his co-star in the movie is Adam Driver. Adam Driver and Channing Tatum are having this hot, cool dude conscience off for the entire movie while they pull off a heist together. They pull brothers. Hot dude on dude confidence. Yeah. And it's a Steven Soderbergh movie, a.k.a. the guy who made the Ocean's Eleven movies,

doing another heist movie with Channing Tatum and Adam Driver and a bunch of other silly characters including Daniel Craig. Wow. And it's good? Yeah, it's pretty good. It came out like two or three years ago and I completely, you know, I don't really watch a lot of movies. What is it called? Logan Lucky.

Cool. I'll check it out. Yeah. Thanks for the record, bud. It's a classic airplane movie, but since nobody's flying anywhere anytime soon, you gotta find time for airplane movies. Did I tell you I was looking for what a cheap flight costs now a day because like who's going into JFK or LAX and flying to another airport?

Yeah, I think I saw it. I think I saw it. You found like a $17 flight. It's right from Los Angeles to Fort Lauderdale, Florida for $17 granted it is Spirit Airlines and it is a red eye and you can't take any bags. Is it a layover? Direct flight, but it's very funny to imagine.

$17 direct flight. Yeah, from Los Angeles to Florida. My God. It's almost like I have to do it for the price of a fucking movie. I can be in Florida. When else could I say that I did that? Were you really thinking about doing it? Of course not.

You have to pay me so much money to fly, to go to LAX, let alone on an airplane, let alone on Spirit Air, a red eye in June. Yeah, I mean, definitely very, very irresponsible, but absolutely it would just be interesting to see what LAX looks like right now. Yeah, or what JFK looks like or like, I haven't seen a lot of images. Yeah, the airports are still open, but like are our flights completely empty? I guess where are people going? I think flights are mostly empty.

Right. But you would think it's like people escaping or people going somewhere remote or like nobody's traveling. We're essential people having to fly. Yeah, that's right. They're like flying nurses out from low concentration areas to high. One of Avital's friends flew to Hong Kong to be with her parents during this and they are like so like organized and the government is like on top of their shit

to the point where as soon as she landed, the government sent her like with a bracelet to a house to be quarantined, sent her a test and then like got the results and told her that like she tested negative and she had to wait 14 days to quarantine and as soon as she was done, she's like, all right, they texted her and like your quarantine is lifted, throw your bracelet away, download this app so we can like trace and track your like every move. Holy shit. If she left the house, they would have known about it

and that's like the type of shit that they're saying they might have to do in America to like once we open things up a little bit just to like test it out like we have to be able to test everyone and the government has to be able to track everyone so that they know like as soon as you have a fever or you tested positive that you have to stay at home and we can trace you by your apps or some sort of like wearable tech that you have to put on. All right. This seems good.

This seems good. This is the world I wanted to live in. The Donald is going to be in charge of it. So like, you know, like he's not going to do anything that farious with our whereabouts or anything like that. Yeah. No, I think it'll be fine. Yeah.

But you know, you'll be able to go to Starbucks without a mask if this is the case. Will I? No, you'll still have to wear it just for peace of mind. But then at least the government will know that I did. Bingo. Cool. What kind of what kind of coffee did you get? A Grande black iced coffee.

Just black. Yeah. I got that like from a store like a big carafe of grocery store Starbucks black. I can. I can. And I did. And that's not the same? No, it is the same.

I just needed to drive this morning. Some days you're like, I don't have, I can't, I don't feel like doing anything, but I need to do something. So I'll do something really low maintenance, like drive my car for half an hour. Yeah. And then you want to give yourself a destination, even if it's a dumb one. So that was it. That's cool.

You know what I did? I on a walk recently, I didn't listen to a podcast. I listened to music. It's sort of adjacent to my dancing advice from last week. Yes. Yeah. You do have to remember to listen to music. It's funny how music will improve your mood.

Yeah. And I rarely just, it feels like a waste of time to listen to music. I'm like, wait, I have nine podcasts to get through about the situation and various comedy or sports news that I need updated. And it's like, well, or I could just listen to music and just sort of like, you know, bob my head while I enjoy the sunshine here. Yeah. I think you don't need as much news as you think you need.

And you do need a little more like me time. Yeah. Everyone's got to work on their, like their mental health and their attitude at this, at this point, you know? Yeah. Did you drive by yourself? No, drove with Micah. You also want to take some alone time too.

Don't forget to take some time for yourself. That's right. I have been going on bike rides solo to solo. Wow. I was, I was bluffing. Oh. The fact that you need to do that by yourself is kind of really messing up. You're a mental coward.

A lot of people are counting on you. All right. One last question. Sure. This one is called struggling boyfriend. Okay. Okay. It was written from the, the struggling boyfriend.

So we'll call this man. I don't know. Who's a struggling boyfriend nowadays? Chad. Chad. Yeah. Chad's are struggling. Chad's, Chad's name got a bad rap for a long time.

And now he's just like socially isolating by himself. Chad. I'm having some issues with a lady friend of a year. I'm a 19 year old male in college named Chad, dating a high school senior long distance. That doesn't sound easy. On the night of anxious curiosity, I asked my girlfriend to answer some questions about her ex. You know, as one is want to do.

Yeah. Don't worry. Those always end up great. Knowing that she only had, she had only gotten to first base with him. I thought my questions would come. Oh my God. Would calm me. I am calm knowing you only frenched him.

Woo. Mario Kart. I asked my girlfriend to answer some questions about her ex. Well, boy was I wrong. Turns out she used to, oh my God. Turns out she used to constantly get to third base on campus. She even, she even initiated encounters where they went behind a building and she wrote him.

This all comes as a shock, right? She told me that when we got undressed for me that I was the first person that she was naked for. When I was deep down, I know nothing is wrong with her past. And she started dating me because I won't let her do things like that. Oh no. But I cannot get the image of her riding him out of my mind. It is in my nightmares.

How do I get this insignificant dweeb of an ex out of my head? Oh my God. That backfired. You loser. You shat loser. I love calling something eating away at you insignificant. This insignificant dweeb. Is he or did he fucking ride your act?

Ride your current girlfriend and now you can't get that image out of your head. Yeah. Oh, I think about this fucking loser day and night. This fucking dweeb is his fucking probably riding with somebody else right now. Also, he asked about his current girlfriend's history to make him feel calm. He doesn't sound very calm at all. And she started telling him about the actual shit that went down. He started freaking out and now he's having nightmares about it.

Yeah. It's always a dangerous game to basically form the answer that you need to hear in your head and then ask someone after because then there's just no world where the answer is satisfactory. You're like, okay. All right. I need to know that my girlfriend basically only pecked this dude and she hated it and she only cares about me and she just wants to ride me and be naked for me and me only.

Okay. That's what she'll say. Babe, what did you do with your ex again? He figured me on campus. I rode him behind the bleachers on campus. Quiet. It was so hot. Silence.

I think about it all the freaking time. And now I will too. And now I will too. Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answers to. That's the long and the short of it. But this is too late for that advice. Now what can he do to get this insignificant dweeb of an ex out of his head? Right.

You can't put the genie back in the bottle. I think you just got to be like, well, you should really just recognize that this is insignificant. You guys are young. He's a freshman. She's a senior. We'll probably end up having lots and lots of experiences. And those experiences don't make you who you are.

Your sexual experiences in the past are not the main thing about you. And it feels like a lot of the time that's what dudes in relationships will think. Your number is really high. So you're gross. Yeah. And the more people you date, the more people, those people will have dated. They'll all just get cloudy and who knows who the fuck happened before you guys ever hung out.

So it's insignificant now and it'll become more insignificant as time goes by. Right. Just focus on, I guess, who your girlfriend is to you and take that for all you need to know about her. And if you want to go deeper, maybe examine what gave you this night of anxious curiosity to begin with. Yeah. The bigger issue, anxious curiosity killed the cat.

Yeah. I mean, there is a lot to deal with with insecurity. And you can also talk to your girlfriend about that. And she can be sensitive to your insecurity as you're trying to get over it. Yeah. I mean, it's a classic 19-year-old problem. You're a 19. That's what happens.

That is right. At age 19, everyone's been with one or maybe two humans. Yeah. And I don't want to discount it too much because I know that I've also been there at 19. So I guess I'll just say that. Yeah. I've been there at 19. Yeah.

You'll be laughing at yourself at age. How old am I? 42. You're 50. How long has it been? That's our time. Thank you so much for sending those questions and the theme songs. The opening theme song was that Blink 182 by Jack and this closing one is an epic rap

song submitted by Alexander Moravsik or as he calls himself, Henry. But this guy is that fucking Princeton. Whoa. This is a Princeton student. A Princeton rapper. That's right. That Ivy League rap. Yeah.

It's really good, but it's a few minutes long. So I saved it for the end. So you guys can enjoy that right now. Thank you, Alex. Thank you, Jack. Thanks to you guys for listening. And we'll be back as soon as possible. Stay home.

Stay safe. Stay cool, dudes. Oh, yeah. Who is this? Hey, Shakeade. You got a mere B for you. Should I patch him through? Yes.

No, you should not. Everybody sit down day one. Stand up. Roll your eyes back. Like Amir just said. Don't fucking speak unless you've seen 800 episodes and still fucking scream out grandest at the live shows. Hey, dinner tonight.

I know a Mickey D's without a Mickey in sight. Let me know what you like. I mean, our nuggets all right. A place to break bread. Maybe share some advice. Times have been tough. Slept at the office a bunch. My dad moved out.

He ain't been calling enough. How did I fuck up? I mean, I read Leeran's blog. I ain't a non-reader, yet I'm getting raw dog. I got to get away a staycation of sorts. I pack really light all I wear on my shorts. Laugh at that wow. Talk about a tough crowd.

I'll kill another owl. Who gives a shit now? Gone 17 moons. Oddly 21 sons. Catch me with a champagne flute in my buns. I'm Rodrigo. Oh, from USA Rice. A dress for Halloween like a passion of Christ.

Let me ask you a question. Do I have swag? I carry odds and ends in a brown paper bag. A shit in my khakis. Read guns and ammo mags. I even showed up to my own wedding stag. I wear a fedora because they're all the rage. I fuck on Tinder unless the girl's underage.

Or if it's a cam, I'll send her my wage. Chomping on yams, I circle jerk to her page. Ha. Do you think the beat's slowing down? Let's go double time. Make the shit wet and brown. I'm making a racket, submitting a bracket by energy. Like I'm six inches deep.

I'll call you a diva, but really, you're either a murfer or a patty. Either way, I would leave you. Now pick up the phone because I'm pinging a bowl. I don't have a home and I'm 30 years old. My name must be Rick as I keep getting rolled. Don't hospitalize me. I'm too fucking cold. Now don't you get it?

Motherfucker, I'm the milk man. Roll a D20. Now we getting bucket buckets, man. So take a seat. As two Jews give no fucks, if the pod doesn't help, I'll kill myself in a star box.