If I Were You - 434: Animal Crossing

Episode Date: May 11, 2020

In this episode we discuss Mother's Day, office dogs, and Animal Crossing.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. That has to do with females. That's why I'm sending this email. Mostly I'm just trying to seize the cheese. If I were you, here's what I'd do. I would kill myself inside of a Starbucks. If I were you, the show.com I will be sure to write into these two jewels.

Wow. That was nice. That was melodic. Yeah. I think he did a full-on barbershop quartet by himself. He can croon. He can really croon. I never say this, but I really think that guy is better than me. Yeah. You've never thought anyone was better than you. Okay, so now you're probably going to go back. You're going to say that you're better than him. Yeah. He was even hitting some notes that I had to struggle through,

which is pretty fucking good. What you just did just now was the worst singing I've heard. It sounded like a hurt. No, I didn't. You started crying in the end. You're listening to Zoom audio. That's not real shit. He probably put a filter on his fucking voice. It sounded like a whining child.

No, it didn't. That's what I'm listening to, but I think people at home will be listening to your audio of you talking in the microphone so they can weigh in and they can listen at you and tell you if it was good singing or not. Why don't you sing right now for everyone at home, your absolute best crooning, and they'll at you and tell you if it's good. It'll be good. What song?

Are you crying? No, I'm just wondering what song you wanted to hear. Crossroads. See you at the crossroads. Oh my God. Again, because you're not listening to the fucking, you're not listening to the filtered audio, and I'm going to miss everybody, and I'm going to miss everybody.

Jesus, man. Oh my God. Why didn't you wait until you were done crying to try to sing? I honestly thought it would fucking help. In some weird way, I thought my tears would lubricate my throat or some shit. You know, I actually sung this weekend my level best, an earnest attempt at singing. When and where? What was the capacity?

The context being that it was the last episode of the Bahumia campaign. Wow. Bernard Podd, episode 100. Historic. Historic moment. Yep. And Emily, who writes all the music and has released a couple albums of her singing, basically these really nicely composed songs.

Wow. She's been releasing them throughout the campaign, and for the last episode, we played one of the songs, and me and Caldwell and Murph all recorded us singing along to the chorus. Holy shit. For the last chorus. I legitimately got into my studio closet here and I told Jill I had a time like, I have to go in there and sing.

Can you like not listen? And I sat in here and I just like fucking did three takes of me trying to sing a song. And then how did it go? What was the final result? Emily like layered it all in. So it sort of sounds like a chorus of all of us singing the last chorus, and it sounds pretty good. I thought it sounded nice.

Really? It was charming. Let's get just a taste or something. I don't know where it is. I don't know how to, I couldn't find it for you. I don't know where it is. No, I mean like, clearly you memorized the song, so let's just hear a sentence or two. No, I can't.

You're shy. You're hiding behind your mom's leg. Oh, God. You're also crying. I'm nervous, man. That opening theme song was written by Marcus Yetter, and it's a parody of If I Ever Fall in Love Again by Shy. Shy.

Oh, cool. I didn't know. I knew that song, but I didn't know the guy who sang it was named just Shy. S-H-A-I. Didn't Shy have another hit that you used to like? Did he? I don't know. I remember.

What song that you sing in the beginning of Moment of Silence, Jake and Amir? Moment of Silence, Jake and Amir. The Jake and Amir Moment of Silence where Kunal Shah, the programmer is killed, run over by a bus, and the video takes place all during a moment of silence where you're talking. And I come in and I- It's one of the funniest beginnings of a Jake and Amir, I think that I know. There's a school announcement type thing at IAC. It's like, can everyone please stand and give a moment of silence for Kunal Shah,

a programmer who was killed over the weekend. I stand up, we're all like stoic silent, and then like- You think I enter singing a Shy song? Yeah, there's like, you start singing off screen. I don't know what the song is, but I thought it might be Shy. Let me see. I pulled it up. I'm playing it now.

Oh. It's the iPod stuck on Replay's song. Yeah, that's right. I don't think that's Shy. Shorty's like a melody in my head. That was a guy named Iaz, I-Y-A-Z. Oh, okay, you can see why I was confused. Iaz and Shy.

This guy actually who wrote the theme song has a shameless plug and borderline a job application for us. Whoa. Okay, let's hear it. Does he want to work at Head Gum? Yeah, he says if any of the listeners enjoy Netflix show Love Is Blind, then he wants to invite us to check out Love Is Online, which is an online dating experience inspired by Love Is Blind, and has run through his Discord chatroom app,

and he's actually had some successful matches. Interesting. And then he says, if Head Gum needs another podcast engineer, he's available. Wow, okay. So I'll forward that. Yeah. I mean, he engineered the hell out of that song, so that was good.

It'd be nice to hire someone on this episode. We haven't done much, so it'd be nice if a job opportunity came up. That would be cool. I feel like we could sponsor this episode in retrospect by Zip Recruiter. Oh, that's cool. And then if we don't get that cash, we can always take it out of Marcus's salary, because he's borderline promised that this would be an ad opportunity for us. Yeah.

And I mean, he has to be working for a sweat equity at this point. Oh, yeah. Besides, it seems like a recession bordering on a depression, so he can't expect cash for that work right now. At best, I'm offering him an externship. Yeah, that's where you work from home for free for the company. But it's only like 60 to 90 hours a week, so that's not that bad. And if we make money from that work, that money is then retroactively counted

against your potential salary, Marcus. So the way it works is that if we cash out on you, you don't see a fucking dime. Okay, he's working for your wolf now. Really? Yeah, he took another job. Wow, yeah. Are they paying him? Yeah, the office ladies.

They're paying him very handsomely. That's cool, actually. That's a good opportunity. Damn. I would do that. Yeah, we're getting sued. Really? For the externship?

Yeah. For the one that I offered? Labor laws, even by saying it. Happy Mother's Day. Happy Mother's Day. Did you call your mother today? Yeah, I did a FaceTime with my mother and my father. Did you do anything special?

We sent them some food, some Jewish daily food for brunch. Of course, nobody could join them because it might end up killing them, so we just sort of enjoyed it from a distance. You don't want to do that? Yeah. Did you call your mom? Yeah, we had a Zoom family call. Nice.

We had everyone on the line. It was real special. Rachel and her husband got a puppy, so that was a highlight. Wow. We got to see the puppy on Zoom. You'll love that. What kind of dog are we talking? It's a Border Collie.

Nice. A black and white Border Collie named Lucy. Oh. Very small. A Lucy for the Luke that I have. They simply must meet a black and white Luke and Lucy. Lucy and Luke. Yeah, wow.

That is cool. Then we made a little slideshow of my mom with a bunch of our favorite photos and stuff, and we presented it. Then my sister Rachel sung a song. It was lovely. That's very nice. I'm seeing pictures on Twitter of some states have overflowing restaurants for Mother's Day. There's some in Colorado and Florida.

People are just sort of saying, fuck it. This is the day that let's fucking go out. We're not going to let this virus beat us. There are restaurants in, yeah, I see Colorado that says there's double what's normally expected on a Mother's Day there today. People just fucking overflowing grab and brunch. That makes sense. Yeah, because Colorado reopened, right?

Yeah. Well, every state is kind of starting to reopen. Even California said they were in stage two of reopening. Have you noticed that? Not really. I'm not going golfing, so I wouldn't see it. I was thinking about taking up golfing. Oh, because it's like socially distant, but still a sport.

Why not? I didn't play golf. How hard can it possibly be? Well, you have chronic back pain, so that's not going to help. You also can't walk very far, and you don't know how to swing anything, whether it be like a bat or a club. You also don't really understand the rules of most sports. So when I try to explain it, you have to get the ball in the hole.

As far as you can't. No. I was going to say in the hole, it has to go in the hole. Even to maybe a driving range once. Which hole? Never mind. Which hole? You already pissed at me.

I haven't even begun explaining the scoring rules. I actually used to caddy, so that would actually make a lot of sense to make the full transformation. I used to caddy, and I love going to the driving range. I do like hitting golf balls. Have you ever done a full 18-hole course? I've played nine holes of golf before, one time in my life. But it wasn't exactly like... I mean, I sort of just walked to the course with people that knew how to play, and I would

hit my ball trying to get it in the same area as them, but I'd lose a couple and I would just drop it. It took a lot of mulligans. I think that's what that's called. Yeah. Same with me, except I went birdie, birdie, par. No. Bogey birdie, eagle.

Hole in one, hole in one, bogey, par, birdie. I set a course record 18 on an executive nine in Los Vuelas. That's right. Cool. Bogey, bogey, eagle, eagle, par, eagle. Me fucking a bird. Eagle, eagle, birdie. Oh, shit.

Hole in eagle. You fucked an eagle. It's clear now that you had sex with an endangered condor of sorts. I can't quite explain it in any other way. How fucking bald eagle. America's mascot. You sick fuck. You're a traitor.

You're a treason, man. A Benedict Cumberbatch. All right. We're getting some questions. Some corona related, some not quite corona related. This one's sort of corona adjacent. I should say this is if I were you. The only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us.

I'm Amir. I'm Jake. Recording this on Mother's Day, Sunday, May 10th. All right. Marissa. I shouldn't have said her name, but you know what? This isn't like an embarrassing question, so we can actually use her name. Wow.

Yeah. Wow. You're violating everyone's trust. This is post-world, post-corona, no anonymity anywhere. Over 500 episodes. Wait, how many episodes have we done? 500 something? Four something.

Four something. Okay. So yeah. Like 100, just close to 500 episodes of us giving. We're lifting the veil. Keeping people anonymous. We've built the trust up and now just fuck it. Fuck it.

This one's from Marissa. Yeah. This is a new world. There are no fake names. Looks like if you want to ask us something, we're going to out you. And I will say this person's last name too under fucking email address. I don't give a shit anymore. Okay.

Easy does it. Easy does it. All right. Let's just call her Marissa. So my problem isn't that big of a deal, but the world has gone to shit, so I guess nothing is a big deal anymore. Interesting way of looking at it. I've been home from college for about two months and I keep trying to convince my brother

to buy animal crossing because he owns a Nintendo switch, but he doesn't think the game is quote worth it. He doesn't really know what it's about. And I know Jake bought it recently. So could you help me convince him? Thank you for being hilarious and reminding me that it's Monday, Marissa. Yeah. So I did.

I bit the bullet. I got a switch. You pulled the trigger. So first of all, how did you even get a switch? Because I heard there in such high demand that it's impossible to find one. Yes. I tried several times, kind of like wheelie nilly. Like I was in a target.

I was in a Walmart for like groceries and I gave it a shot and it was not ever there. Then I was on Amazon because like I kept on hearing that animal crossing was really soothing. And I kept on. And I mean, I love the show, The Witcher and people told me that I would love to play The Witcher. And I was like, okay, I think I'm interested in getting a switch, but I just wish I had one. I just wanted to like get one on Amazon.

They were over $500. And then I was not going to buy one online. Then I saw on Target's website, I like sorted by zip codes. And there was one three miles away from me that had them in stock. Wow. And I hopped on my bike because they weren't taking calls. I called and they're like, there was like an automated message. It's like we don't have, we're not answering inventory questions.

Got it. Come by or don't. Yeah. And I rode my bike there and I got it. Legit switch or a light? Legit switch. All right. So you can play it handheld or you can plug it into the TV and play it like that.

Correct. So what games did you get? I bought Mario Kart because I know you guys have been playing it. Yeah. I bought one sample round and it's just like, I don't know if I'll ever be able to handle that. It's too much. You guys have already eclipsed like where I could possibly end up, you know?

Okay. I disagree, but continue. Okay. Well, I have it. So I'm down to play. I don't know how any of this shit works. I don't know like how to share my friend code. Am I allowed to do that online or is that going to be like, will I get bombarded?

Yeah. I would share it. I would share it with friends and family first before you put it online because people will know when you're online if they have your friend code. That's something I don't want. Yeah. That's shameful. But like also if you are anyway, so I've been the first game I bought was Animal Crossing.

I'd heard about how soothing it was. Okay. And how kind of like Zen it is. All right. I haven't played Animal Crossing. So first of all, what are your initial reactions? My initial reactions are that the, it's insane. It's insane.

It's kind of funny. It's definitely not. I can't tell who this game is designed for and if it's like good because it's so dumb or if it's like dumb on purpose because like they, I don't know, like game some kind of system to know that this is like the kind of like relaxing, silly fun that people are looking for. I have no idea. Yeah.

It's borderline not really a game, right? Like you're some animated cartoon and you're going around collecting vegetables for a boss man character or something. Yeah. It's not really. So the first thing that happens is you're, you're sort of talking to, I think it's a guy named, I think you're talking to Tom Nook at the beginning of the game. But anyway, he's the, he's the puppet master.

He's the guy holding all the cards. He's, he's the mastermind behind this whole operation. So Tom Nook is selling you an island getaway. It's like you can go and live on a deserted island. Doesn't that sound really cool? Doesn't that sound nice? And you're like, yeah. And it's like, here, okay, here, choose your island, show where you want to go.

And it's like, all right, you think you're going on vacation. You get there. The island's not deserted. There's two other people. My island has Antonio and Aunt Eater and Agnes, a hog. Okay. So I've got immediately Tom Nook is like, all right, like here are your neighbors. And if you can go gather firewood for the fire, it's like, okay, you're putting me to

work. Tom Nook, like I set up my tent and then Antonio asks for help setting up his tent. Tom Nook starts asking me for more and more favors. It's like, hey, you like setting up tents. Will you go, will you go scout a spot? Will you get the, gather the firewood? And you're like, is this a vacation or am I, am I under your employee? He's extorting you.

And then Nook visits you and it's like, there's the matter of the payment. Wow. For this island and it costs 49,000 bells. Bells instead of dollars. Yeah. But so bells are what Tom Nook is charging and you can earn bells by like trading, by making things. There's a guy named Timmy that will buy anything that you collect on the island.

So I'm going around collecting seashells, bringing them to Timmy. He's buying them for like 300, 600 bells. And the entire, so Timmy doesn't care. He will buy literally anything. There's weeds all over the island. You can collect weeds and sell Timmy a clump of weeds for bells. But you're not going to get out from under Tom Nook's thumb this way. Like, I weeded an entire fucking island.

I collected every single shell there is and, and I'm still, I'm still in the whole like 40,000 bells to Nook. So that's when Nook tells you about the Nook mileage program. You can pay your debt to him if you download his app. So this vacation starts turning into, I think like a little bit of a nightmare because like not only do I owe this guy 40,000 bells and the only way I can pay up is by weeding the entire fucking island. Now he, he wants to give me a cell phone.

That's his own proprietary cell phone with his own apps and I can earn miles by doing island work and pay that to Nook. Meanwhile, he's trying to build a society. This deserted island that is my vacation. I'm doing this work so he can build a museum. So he can start inhabiting the island. Okay. So this is a game or you're just describing a weird dream you had.

This is the game. This is the game. And you are trying to earn bells for Tom Nook and to upgrade your shit. Like all you have is a tent, but like they sell stuff in the store. They sell a grill. They sell different clothes. They, they sell stuff you want. Do you like the game?

I like the game because it's kind of mindless, but it's also a little stress inducing because I'm, I'm in debt. I'm trying to like, they need favors everywhere. Like Tom Nook is trying to open a museum. He wants me to collect specimens that he's sending to his friend who wants to study the flora and the fauna. Then the friend moves to the island and they are opening a museum, but they can't open the museum unless I've collected fossils and they're asking me to go collect fossils.

I'm like, who, what am I doing? You're doing chores. I'm doing chores to make this island not the desolate vacation that I came here for. So it's a little, it's a little weird. Meanwhile, I was able to pay off my debt, 49,000 with, with miles from the Nook mileage program, but, but then I built a house and now I'm 98,000 bells in debt all over again, just like that. So is the, is the game incentivizing you to like be addicted and play it and get more

bells or are you just being turned off by it? No, I'm a little addicted. The other weird thing, I don't know if this happens in lots of games, but like island time, island time is the same. Like I set the island time to my time. So like right now it's 545 p.m. It's 545 p.m. on 69 land, which is my, the name of my island. What is it called?

It's 69 land. Yeah, pretty epic. And you can visit other people's islands, right? Like Marissa and Marika have these tags. You can go see them, right? In the game? Yeah. If I, if I had their, their like tag numbers, I could go to their island, but I don't have

any friends. So I haven't been able to visit any other islands yet. Got it. But yeah, it's the weird thing to me is that like time passes the same on the island as it does here. So it's like, I am always wanting to check in because I'm like, oh, it's just like 5 p.m. My island time is not moving. I can't like go to bed and wake up and new, and it's a new day.

I don't pause time on the island. So it feels like you always have to be there like, maintaining stuff. It feels like it's just real life. Yeah. Or like a Tamagotchi, like a, a gigapet of sorts. You have to like keep your little guy alive. Yeah. It's all happening in real time, which is kind of weird.

So did you visit your island today? Yeah. Well, yeah. I went there today because I wanted to see if I could like, what was it? Oh, so I ordered, I ordered some new jeans and I knew they were going to come the next day. So I wanted to, I have, I have like these denim cutoffs that I bought at the, at the nook terminal.

It's like a little shopping. Yeah. Kind of like a red box. I see on Instagram, your mom posted the family zoom, but you're not in it. You didn't go today to the whole zoom. Well, yeah, cause I'm trying to catch every single fish. Right. Turnips.

Right. It's, I don't, I don't have Jill looks pretty upset. Jill is upset. In this screen. Jill's sort of looking around for you. She doesn't understand what it is to be surrounded by oranges. You know, like I've got orange trees that need to be picked. Yeah.

And Timmy, Timmy's going to fucking buy those oranges out of premium. You're also not wearing any jeans. You sold your actual pants to get the jeans in the game or how does that work? Cause you're not wearing this. Yeah. Cause I also needed waterships. Okay. So I needed, I need water shoes.

I need new jeans. And I also have a grill that I'm going to, that I'm going to place and a DIY. Yeah. It's cool. You got a grill. So you're, you're doing like new hobbies, like animal crossing. And then you're also doing like some barbecuing. No, the grill is, the grill is something yak has on the island.

My character's name is yak. I say 69 land. 69 land is real life. Brooklyn is fake life. My real life starts on 69 land. Yeah. I have a, now I know how to cross a river now. I have a pole vaulting thing.

Okay. And the other side of the island, that's wild. That's real. There's weeds there. Yeah, I know. That's money that I can collect. I can make medicine with the weeds. I can fucking sell the weeds to Timmy at a premium because I am $98,000 in the hole to

nook. Are there any like in-game app purchases? Like, is it like, or you can give me 50 bucks and I'll give you 10,000 turnips. Yeah. There's stuff like that. One of the things that you, you like learn how to start crafting and you can like make things, like make an axe or make a shovel, which you need to like dig up plants or to use the axe to hit trees to get things to fall out of them or hit rocks to get the minerals

at them. And there's these, these like DIY cards that you can find. Like you find, you get a card that teaches you how to make an umbrella and you can sell the umbrella or you can use the umbrella. But I think the DIY cards like get more and more complex and interesting to the point. Like right now, all I've crafted is like a flimsy watering can. It's literally called flimsy watering, flimsy axe, flimsy shovel. So, and I know somebody posted online that I saw that has like a gold watering can.

I'm like, oh, okay. So there's, there's like, there's more to this game. And are you intrigued to get more? Are you like invested at this point? Yeah, I feel like I want to be the William in Westworld to Tom Nook. And this, I guess only people that know Westworld will understand this. And Animal Crossing. Yeah.

I want to be the guy that topples Nook that beats the game. All right. So Marissa, if you're still listening to this, you can play this clip to your brother and then see like, see, Jake's into it. You will be too. You should get it. How much is Animal Crossing? I really, I think like 50 bucks.

Does it, does it make sense to you that it's so popular or you're like, how did this weird Japanese animation become a global phenomenon? It makes sense that it's popular to me. It's, it seems almost like a video game equivalent of like getting stoned and watching cats. It's like kind of like stupid, goofy, addicting, and you want to like talk to people about it. Yeah. It does feel like you're like in on the joke a little bit. But I also like, I can't imagine, I think I'll be into this game for like a few weeks.

I don't. Oh, you don't think it's in it for the long haul? No, but I mean, a few weeks is a long time. It's really weird playing a game this mindless and dumb when there's like, when like Jill is doing stuff like making dinner or producing stuff for her work. Like actual things and you're building virtual things. Yeah. It doesn't feel as like, like reading or watching a good television show.

It feels kind of like you're, you're consuming something that's worthwhile. I have never done something that was so dumb and such a waste of time. So I feel a little guilty when I play still, but it is, it is an easy way to pass the time. You're like, oh, I can play for half an hour to an hour right now easily. Yeah. Cause there's always, there's always stuff to do on the island. There are times when I'm like, okay, I just want to like, Mike, I'm like going to get, I'm going to go sell Timmy these shells and like that'll be, that'll be it.

Then I'm going to stop. But then I'm talking to Timmy about these shells and I'm like, oh, you know what? Like I actually, I got a fossil. So I got to go see Blathers and I have to give it to him so he can open the museum. And then you see Blathers and he's like, he gives you a DIY card and you're like, okay, well, I at least want to go bring this back to my workbench and see if I can make it. So there's always shit that just doesn't quite let you quit. Between this and DND, you're living in a lot of virtual worlds, which makes sense.

Yeah. This, this one feels like not quite as good as DND cause it's so on the rails. You, you like, there's a lot of reading and like talking shit that you don't want to deal with. You're like, okay, like every time I talk to Timmy, he's like, hi, what can I help you with? And then you have to go like sell this and then he says goodbye. And then if you want to like buy something, you can't just be like, I also want to buy something. You have to like go back, click the button. He's like, hi, how are you today?

What can I help you with? I was like, just fucking Timmy, hurry up. Okay. I'm trying to buy a lawn chair. Okay. Cause I get outdoor decoration points. And dinner is ready. Nook miles.

And that's okay. Quiet chill. I owe this guy 98,000 bells. Okay. I'm not hungry yet. I had an orange in the game, but it filled me up. Fuck. Filled me with joy.

All right. That was a good endorsement of Animal Crossing. Let's take a break. Thanks for the sponsors and come back with more questions after these messages. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct.

I mean, this might be the goat father's day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah. Not just father's day, but if for any not so tech, savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect.

I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great.

Really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo. Yeah. Frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma.

She was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Yeah, really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant.

Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool.

And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. I don't know with an Aura. Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app.

Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly.

You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames. That's A-U-R-A Frames.com.

And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply.

That's Aura Frames. A-U-R-A Frames.com. Okay. Go get your parents something. All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura.

And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area. But BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable to your schedule.

You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. It's incredibly helpful. Therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years. So give therapy a try. It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful.

So you can find that balance better with BetterHelp. All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com. If I were you, you do that today, you can get 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help. And it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp.com.

If I were you, check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. And we are back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a letter to the doctor. Mom, I'm coming. Gross. Yes.

Yes, I do. Everyone out there should change their Instagram bio photos. Whoa, that floors me. Honestly, I mean, I understand that it's a pretty important thing to do. And obviously this is a really important time in human history. But yeah, why do you think we should all band together as a society and do the right thing? Change our Instagram bio pic. It's a fun way to pass the time.

It lets you go back through your phone, through your photos. So it's a little like a time capsule, a bit of an escape. You get to look at happier times and then you get to make a change for the positive update. Oh, yeah. It's an enjoyable practice, I think. So have you used this one before? I'm just like loading up yours now. I don't know.

I think I might have, but I'm not sure. Yeah, it looks familiar, but not necessarily. Like this was what your profile picture was. What was it before? It was a photo, oh wow, now I can't think of it. I think, oh, it was a photo that Jill took of me in Prague. Oh, yes. I was in a hat.

I was eating a croissant. Traveling. Oh, I made mine new recently. It was a mask picture. Yeah, which I think is socially conscious. It's good. It makes me a little sad. I like Instagram to be an escape, but you do you.

I'm not going to say that people can't update their photos however they want. I'm just saying it's a nice exercise. All right, that's cool. Yeah, I recently had to find an old photo, so I was looking back like through the years and be like, wow, we used to travel so much, attend all these events, gatherings, parties. They all seem so foreign and alien now. I know. I was looking at like photos from our first NAD pod show, and there's just a giant group

and we're all just like arms draped over each other. Remember how much we just like touch pants so much, just like fucking the pop, the hug. We would hug everyone. Yeah, I wonder why we didn't get the flu more. We often did get sick on tour. So it stood to reason. It makes and it does make sense. But I think the last time I got really sick on tour was like after a show in Vancouver.

And after that, I was like, oh, I just need to wash my hands really well after all of the meet and greets. It only took me like eight years to figure it out, but then I never got sick on tour again. Yeah, I wonder if I'll get sick less now that I know all this stuff about viral infections. Yeah, I think you spend more time washing your hands and avoiding people who are sick. You definitely will get sick less. Yeah, I definitely. I noticed you posted a photo of me and you and John Carlo and Grimm's road trip. Yeah, from five years ago.

I think that's what I was searching for when I found all these old photos. What made you want to post that? You just wanted a little TBT to the better days. Yeah, and the photos look cool now. They're all like, they were developed on actual film. Yeah, do you have the full album of them? Yes, yes. I think I found it on Google Drive, the full album of the photos.

That's right. That was a fucking crazy ass time. Yeah, that was a great week. We literally drove from New York to LA in an RV and had to shoot 10 episodes along the way. But we were also stopping in every city drinking and having fun so we would wake up feeling terrible and had to make like a comedy video where we're both dehydrated and ugly. Yeah, there was that day that John Carlo was so hungover that he was like, he fell asleep on the bench outside of the hotel as we were waiting for the RV to come.

Also, one of my favorite memories is like pulling up out of the desert in an RV at the MGM Grand and like trying to give the RV to valet and they were just like, no. It's funny, by the time we reached Vegas, we were so tired. I think we like we got there like on like a Wednesday in late November, early December. And there was like the whole city was dead and we're like, oh, this is a weird reversal from how we were just spending time in Nashville and Austin. It's true. I think when we were planning that trip, I was like, oh, Vegas will be the most insane night,

but it turned out that Nashville and Austin. Oh yeah, like the cities I thought would be insane were like relatively tame. When we were in New Orleans and when we were in Vegas, we just like kind of like, I guess we hung out for a little bit, but we didn't go nuts. We went ham in Austin and we went hard in Nashville. It was also warm at the beginning of our trip. And then by the time we got to New Orleans, there was like an historic winter storm coming and it was like 28 degrees in Austin and then like a trucker told us that nobody was going to be driving

because of the snow on like the high desert and like he looked at our RV and kind of laughed at us. Yeah, that was that. God, imagine like eating at that burger joint in like the middle of Texas right now. We just got to go to these places that have reopened and don't give a shit. Certainly the disease doesn't exist there. Yeah, it'd be kind of cool. I guess if I took an antibodies test and I was fine, I would just, I'd go and live in Colorado. Walk around.

I mean, sure, I could be a carrier, but it'll be fine. Is that how it works? So I could have the antibodies but still transmit the disease? I would think so because the antibodies just said that like you've been fighting the disease. So I'm not quite sure if it means like the disease is fully outside of your body yet. All right. Yeah. Well, never mind. I'll stay home.

Fine. Fuck. Fuck it. Has your thinking on the timeline of this whole thing changed or are you just trying not to think about it? I guess I definitely, maybe a mix. I'm not thinking about it and I have resigned to the fact that it's like just indefinite. So I'm not, I'm not thinking of it in terms of like, oh, I think like by June, it's going to be normal. I'm sort of thinking like, I have no idea what, when it's going to be normal, but it's not going to be normal soon.

And if I get surprised, that'll be good. But at least now I'm not going to be disappointed. Yeah. Because in the beginning it's always like, when do you think we'll be back in? When do you think it'll be open? When is this going to happen? And now it's been two months and at least I'm like, this is just life now. I'm not thinking about when it's going to be different.

Yeah. Especially because like the things that are reopening, it's not like there isn't going to be a switch where it's like, dope, bars are back open. Same as it was. Let's go. It's like, oh, okay, bars are opening slowly, half capacity. There's tape on the floors everywhere. Like it's not going to be the same. It's not going to be good.

I guess I'm looking forward to summer where in the city we can hang out on roofs kind of far apart and just like see friends. That'll be cool. Yeah. It'll be like bars are reopening and you're like, but the disease is still around. So I don't personally feel comfortable being close to each other and talking into each other's mouths. Yeah. I'm not going to go to like a crowded bar, but I know people that have backyards and roofs here. So I think I'll do like mini-socializing.

Yeah. I wonder when that's going to start just like groups of four or six or eight people hanging out. I mean, that's definitely already happening. It's just not socially acceptable or condoned by the leaders of our states, but it's happening. I have friends that are hanging out with each other. Yeah. And it's like, I guess I could too, but at the same time, like what four person hangout is worth the risk right now? Like it'll be fine, but I'll also might get sick and I definitely don't want to get sick or get someone else sick.

Having two people over in your backyard where you guys are like, have a kind of a nice time, but spend the entire time talking about COVID. I'd rather just zoom. Yeah. All right. Let's see if we can answer one last question before we run out of time. Yeah, let's do that. Then again, what is time?

What is time? Here's a Corona workplace dog question. Oh, okay. Again. Fuck it. Her name is Callie. Yeah. Wow.

Okay. That's right. And this one's deeply personal. Yeah. This one is about a bridal boutique. So let me take the veil off. We'll use her full name right now. I'll only call her Callie.

I work as an office administrator for a bridal boutique, writes Callie that sells wedding dresses. But because of Corona, brides across the nation are panicking and I've been asked to come back to work early to help deal with it. Wow. After weeks of sitting on the phone with crying slash bitching brides, my bosses finally agreed to let my pup into work as a perk. Normally this would not be allowed since our store would be open and brides and their crews would be coming and going. But now that I've had my dog there for a couple days, I can't imagine going back. She's super chill and part poodle, so she doesn't shed that much. And she stays away from gowns and mostly just follows me around and gets belly rubs.

Is there any way I can turn this temporary perk into a forever office dog party? I think there's a high likelihood. I do. Yeah. I'm going to send you pictures of this sweet dog. Okay. Yeah, that's what I want to see. I feel like a lot of behavior that we've adjusted during Corona is going to continue.

Like all of the convenience stuff. Yeah. Well, she can say like, can he just stay until like things are back to normal? And then hopefully your office manager is one of those people that's like, yeah, it'll be back to normal soon. So sure. And then he doesn't realize that like it might be two years of this shit. This is a really cute dog. I think this dog fits well in a bridal shop.

You kind of want like, that's a, that's a Pinterest-y little thing. You have a sweet little poodle laying at the foot of a gorgeous gown. You should post that on the shop's Instagram. So the photo is going to perform really well. If anything, the, yeah, the owner should lean into it. This is some sort of poodle bridal shop now. You've got like a brand ambassador. That's really good.

Do you have any weddings coming up or scheduled or people that you know are like watching the calendar because they're supposed to get married this summer? No. My sister Liza got engaged, but her wedding is next year. Yeah. That really could have been a disaster. We had a family reunion scheduled. Canceled? It hasn't been canceled yet, but I'm not sure it's going to happen.

I mean, it's in July. Yeah. It's going to be a tough one. But it's a 50, it's a 50 person event, definitely with older people. Like the extended Hurwitz family, like staying on a farm with a bunch of like houses on it. Like, yeah, it's a 50 person event where we're all sharing space. I hope it's not canceled. I'm not trying to jinx it.

But yeah, who's going to make that decision? My sister and two of my cousins have been the ones planning it. Interesting. Yeah. It's going to, the weird part is like when the person running it is like, yeah, things are still on. And then everybody's like, well, I don't feel comfortable going rather than the person who runs it saying, all right, this whole thing is canceled. I know. That's going to be the fucking worst.

Or it'll be great because it'll happen. We'll see. That's right. That'll be, that's my new mantra. We'll see. Yeah. What would you bet on right now? I'm going to stay positive.

I think the virus is going to disappear one day and it's just going to be gone. So I think we'll be fine. Yeah. The best is when Trump said that in early March and then people keep bringing it up like, you said it would disappear. And he's like, it will. We just don't know when. It's like, oh, very smart. You got us, dude.

You were talking about an infinite timeline. We tried to, we tried to get you stuck in your little words, but you figured it out. It will be gone one day in the future. You're right. Everything will be, everything will be gone, maybe because of the virus. Well, it is getting closer and closer to him. I mean, it's all the way, it's getting through like people in his family and his daughter's personal assistant.

Yeah. I can't imagine someone that deserves to have it more. He doesn't wear a mask. He travels a lot. He know he doesn't sleep. Him not refusing to wear a mask is so insane. It would be funny to imagine him in a mask though. He wouldn't know how to put it on.

It would look really small on his big orange head. Like, I mean, and that there is, that's the political ad right there. It's not a big deal. It's going to go away, cut to him wearing a mask. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's why he doesn't want to put it on. Right.

But I mean, the other alternative is that he might get it, which would be also worse. Yeah. And then there's calling it a hoax to needing to be intubated. There is theories that he had it like early on and because there were like a few days that we didn't see him. Oh, that's interesting. That is very interesting. But for whatever reason, he won't get sick.

Have you taken to mask shaming when you see people without a mask? Do you say anything? No. Then again, I don't see a lot of people without a mask. Cool. I do it. Have you shamed? I've been trying to like find a way to, it's really anxiety inducing to go out in the city

and like be in close quarters with people that aren't wearing them. So. Yeah. There really isn't that in LA. Like I'm not walking around a Hollywood Boulevard. Yeah. And for the most part, like in New York, when people are sitting in parks and they're far away, they can take them off when people are like alone on the sidewalk, you can take

it off. But then like you see people that are just jogging down the sidewalk, not wearing a mask or you are like exercising in the park and you're in someone next to you, like throwing a frisbee and not wearing a mask. It's, it's just crazy because you, you do feel really anxious. You feel upset by it, but then you also don't want to like yell at someone. That's not fun. And you don't know what they're dealing with.

So. Yeah. It's, you have like all this pent up rage just because you want to scream at someone to wear a fucking mask. Um, but then it also doing that doesn't really make you feel any better. It doesn't improve. Yeah. It's not like they're then going to put on a mask.

They just don't believe in it. Um, do you find it hard to breathe under the mask or are you getting used to it? Yeah. No, it sucks. Um, it's crazy. It's awful. I hate it. It's, it's truly terrible.

I hate wearing a mask. Um, where'd you get yours? I got mine on like Sarah Schneider made me one actually. She's nice. Yeah. She's been selling masks. Very, very comfortable. I'm, I'm actually in the market for a new mask.

Where do you get the, where have you gotten your current mask? I got a few on Etsy and a few from like family members, but I can go for like a, there's some cool Laker masks in the NBA store. Maybe I'll upgrade my shit. I've seen a couple of people with like really nice looking minimal masks that looks like they don't hurt their ears at all. Hmm. Like I want that like performance fabric, like super soft, tiny bit of sheen, like

just with a really low cut like, uh, scoops under the eyes. My, my least favorite part of the mask is like that it can cast a shadow up your eyes and like, I don't know. Yeah. You want, you want that Nike dry fit deep V. You want a deep V mass to show off your fucking jacked upper lip. I want a performance mask and I feel like we all masks became a requirement before we've, we got a chance to optimize, to optimize the mask.

So we have like an uncomfortable annoying thing that everyone has to wear or will die. Yeah. That's not fun. And it's not hot looking yet. We're a sack over your face. Make sure it crinkles like a dry diaper. Yeah. Maybe we'll get there.

Hopefully we'll get some mask sponsors on the pot. I would love some free masks and I'll shut some people out. That's cool. That's what I want. Yeah. I'm in the market. I got a black mask, which is pretty nice, but I'm in the market for some nice patterns. Yeah.

That'd be cool. We should, yeah. And it's kind of a, it's kind of a waste. I feel like I, I went through braces and all that and now like nobody sees my teeth and like might not become an issue anymore. Your teeth are kind of fucked up. Your teeth are ugly. Yeah.

You have low gums. Like this is, this is a waste. You are a waste. I have a hot mouth for nothing. You lost two teeth. Yeah. You don't have a canine right there and the one on the bottom. Yeah.

But other than that, other than that, you're good. All right. That's it. That's our time. Thanks for listening. Happy Mother's Day. Stay safe. Stay indoors.

The opening theme song was written by Marcus. Susie Q. Let me see who wrote this situation right here. Okay. Susie Q. Susie Q. You can pull up Animal Crossing while they look it up. All right.

Thank you. Yeah. I got fucking oranges to hawk. All right. Susie Q. Oh no. It's actually by Chris McAleenan. That's a cool name.

Okay. And he wants to give a shout out to his podcast, Live in the Dream. Hey. It's a music and art podcast. That's kind of what this one is. Whoa. He said he had third eye blind on. What?

Oh, I see. Yeah. All right. So thanks, Chris. Thanks, Marcus. Thanks to you guys for listening. Send the masks and any emails or questions down to if I were you show at gmail.com. That's right.

I'm serious. Email me a mask. I'll print it. We've 3D printed mask. That's fine. Yeah. I've seen that. I've seen it.

Didn't Jeff do that or something? Yeah, he did. I don't know if it works. Well, he has corona, so I don't think it did. And for more questions and answers, videos, you can check them all at patreon.com.com. We have weekly videos every Thursday. Oh, yeah. And we'll be back here on, let's say next Monday.

Yeah, I like that. That'll work. Same as always. Cool. Later, everybody. Peace. Oh, if I were you Oh, if I were you Oh, if I were you Tell you what I'd do If I were you

I'd try to seize the cheese Get down on my knees I might even say please I swear I'm not a sleaze If I were you