If I Were You - 436: Brotherly Love

Episode Date: May 25, 2020

In this episode we discuss bad haircuts, good siblings, and love in the time of COVID.For more podcast goodness check out THE HEADGUM PODCAST, with us, Geoff and Reilly:Apple PodcastsSpotifySee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Nice, a new take on a classic. Yeah, it's short and sweet, but ultimately nice and fun to have. It was good to dance to. Yeah, I saw you got up and you were wearing assless chaps and you made that booty go clap. And chapless ass. An assless chap to show my chapless ass. So you mean your ass is just moist and without chap?

Yeah, you don't chap. If there's no chafe, there's no chap, there's no crack, it's all smooth ass. Do you have a hairless ass or do you have hairs on your ass? I have a hairless ass, no hair on the ass. I have a relatively hairless ass, but I feel like there's some hairs on the ass and then I'll also get zits on my ass. Oh, where? Like on the cheek? The lower cheek. Where the cheek meets the thigh?

I'll have some on my apple bottom butt and some on my peach fuzz. Your badonkadonk zit. So I'll twerk it and make you work it. I'll make you pop that zit, then reverse it. Do you ever make it clap? I will. So I've tried to make it clap, but it ends up just popping the zits in between my ass cheeks. And you look at it too, because you can throw it back and look at it.

Yeah, I've dropped the thun thun thun and then it like sort of the pus starts trickling down my thighs and my chapped ass. I wonder if that's a cyst instead of a zit. It is. So my cyst, my assistant has a cyst. Your ass has a cyst, and that's the ass-ist. Yeah, my ass-ist has a cyst, and then that's what sort of pops and pusses every time I make that booty go. Take that, rewind it back. Who wrote the goddamn theme song? Okay, that's enough. That's enough. This bit's disgusting.

You did 80% of that. You said cyst. It's more than enough. It's more than enough. I've got a little bit of freedom. Luke says he's a day one listener, and he wanted to give a theme song ago. Nothing to plug, but call me anything you'd like. P.S. Go Bill. So thanks, Luke. Go Bill's. Hell yeah. We're back on the Zoom, back in the room, Sunday, May 24th.

Zoom room. You got the virtual background of a protest rally? What is that? Yeah, this is an open up Michigan rally that I found online. Cool, and my background is a reopen Huntington Beach rally in which the citizens of this small Orange County town are declaring that they've had enough. Enough is enough, and they want to get their hairs cut. I agree. I'm frustrated as well. I wouldn't go to a rally. It's not my place. It's not anyone's fault. You're rallying against a disease. Fuck COVID. The disease.

Yeah, I also hate it. I agree. It's weird that I kind of... I guess I don't think that society should reopen, but I really want it to. Is it weird to want the same thing as these protesters? Yeah, just not the way they go about it. Yeah, the way your methods are wrong, but the end goal is I do agree that society should be open. That's a better way for the world to be. I like it. So march with us, brother. I shouldn't even be here at the rally.

You're wearing a full hazmat suit. Did you see there was a hairstylist in Missouri that got 90 people infected? Oh, my God. That's so fucking funny. So they reopened it on May 12th, and he or she, it's not the stylist, but I don't know if it was a male or female, was not asymptomatic, but rather quite symptomatic, but they powered through. And as they cut people's hair, of course, they would talk, cough, laugh, and snore. You have to talk to your barber. So you'll rain down the disease on the patrons, and 90 people got sick, including seven co-workers. There was a time where they didn't have the Spritz bottle, so they just sort of chugged a Desani

and sprayed their droplets onto their customers' hair. Yeah, like the blue canister that they used to put the combs in. The barber's side. Yeah, the barber's side works on the comb, but not necessarily on that person's lungs and throat. Too bad. Anyway, I could go for a haircut right now, but if I did, I would do it outside, and I'd be wearing a mask, and as would my stylist. Your stylist.

And actually, my stylist pen would also be wearing a mask. I didn't know you had a stylist. That's cool. Yeah. That's really cool. All right, this is a fire you. If you could get a haircut right now, what would you ask for? The classic? Or would you do something a little different now that you've grown it out so much?

Yeah. It feels like a new style could be easier to maintain. We might as well take advantage of it. I found it really good. I was searching for a photo on my computer, and then I found this photo shoot that we did with headgum t-shirts, and it made me miss having a haircut. I had a nice haircut in that, so part of me just wants to show somebody that photo that I just texted you and have that cut once again.

Maybe a little longer on top. That's a hell of a cut. That's a great cut. That's a hell of a cut. And a long beard. This is right before, I believe this is right before we went to Australia. Oh, because my beard is super long? Yeah.

I remember that tour in Australia where you had an insanely long beard, and I think on one of the last days you went to a barbershop and got it trimmed. That's nice. Yeah. It was a good feeling. We took it for granted. All right, this is a fire you, an advice podcast, hosted by me. I'm Amir.

And me, Jake. Hi. I got a funny email even before questions of somebody commiserating with my spectrum internet woes. Oh, I actually would love an update because there's been some stuff happening, right? Yeah, well, not quite. And I will, let's read this email and hopefully it'll illuminate a few of the strategies that you suggested that I do. Okay, let's hear it. So this is written by a guy named Joel, who lives near me, actually.

Joel writes, Hey, Amir, I too was enticed by the seemingly blazing speeds of the AT&T fiber network. You might say I was looking to get a lot more fiber in my diet, but AT&T had hoodwinked me too. I live in Echo Park near me. And for years, Spectrum had been the only network that could reach my house. But this week, AT&T installed fiber in the area. So I ordered a thousand megabytes from them and was honestly smiling to myself all week, thinking of how fast my internet would be. I get this guy. Smiling to myself.

I waited patiently for myself. I'm in a good mood this week. I waited patiently for my appointment. I prepared the house. I prepared myself. On the day, it's more than fair to say, I put on my Sunday best. And I stood at the door like a kid waiting for his daddy to return from his third tour. The man finally came.

He's sitting on the stoop waiting. Holding a football and a fucking white tuxedo. He came inside and briefly checked the house. He said he needed to check outside. I waited for 20 minutes. And when he returned, he simply told me, No, we can't do it. Why?

I inquired as if daddy told me that he preferred going to war versus spending time with me and that he'd be returning for another tour this time for pleasure. The building next door is in the way. He bleeds. Bleeds like a goat. Okay. I'm dumbfounded. What? He shows me a picture of the telephone pole on the other side of the building that apparently is the source of my much needed fiber.

And you can't get it to my building? No, he says, as if it's a foregone conclusion. Let me stress to you now that my building is a mere 40 minutes, Sorry, 40 feet from this pole. We'd have to build it to get to your house. And so he says, Okay, so can you build it? I can't believe I'm walking him through the process. And he says, No, it's too expensive.

And I said, Are there no other places to get the connection? And he walks over to the other side of my house and we stand at a window. He points to the pole, another pole that's approximately 40 feet in the other direction, clearly hooked up to the house across the street. I can't see through the windows, but if I could, I would have seen them laughing to themselves about how fast they were able to torrent episodes of Westworld. They probably know what happens at the end of season four by this point and they haven't even shot it yet. That pole, he says bluntly. And I said, Okay, we can't connect to that one.

We both stare out the window like two lovers pining over the same woman. This is the first time in my life that I found a pole attractive. I can't stress enough how close it is. We're literally looking at it from my window. No, he says, The man exits my house, leaving me like a feudal surf, able to see the castle grounds, but never to attain royal status a year. I feel your pain. Jesus Christ.

I don't. So this guy lives even closer to five or the knees like across the street. You can see the pole 40 feet from his house. And the guy's like, Yeah, I wouldn't. It can't connect because there's a building in the way. What are they talking about? Isn't it a fucking wire? It is a wire.

It goes from the pole to the house. Like how much closer does a pole need to be? I guess if it's the point is that you have the wire. I guess the wire can't cross the street. Like the wire can go to the building next to it, but not like cross the street over the street. A single wire, maybe not. That does make sense. I mean, you don't really see that.

You don't see that when you're driving down the street. Yeah. Wires that cross. San Francisco. But like, I mean, I'm sure there are wires that cross the street, right? I just, we completely ignore wires, but they must be everywhere. I guess it bumps me a little bit the notion of seeing a wire crossing the street, but it must exist. Yeah.

And then the idea that this guy ordered it, they said it was available and they still couldn't get it. Really makes me think that your theory of just get slow internet and then upgrade it. Hopefully they could just plug it into your house. Makes me very skeptical. Yeah. But at the same time, what do you have to lose? Or sorry, what the hell do you have to lose? My fast.

My fast weekend speed. I see. But like if you ask them to come and connect the slow internet, he comes, you say, why don't you just do the fast one? He says no. Then you could just be like, you know what? Never mind. Don't do anything. You clearly aren't interested in giving me fiber.

Yeah, we can't do that. I'm starting to think it won't work. I don't even think that really wastes his time that much because like he doesn't care if he installs the internet or not clearly. Yeah. It's just, it's a, he doesn't get paid per connection. No, not at all. He gets to just go and you're like, you know what? Can you do fast?

He says no. Then you're like, fine. Then I'm going to keep spectrum. Or keep Time Warner, whatever the hell you have. And then that's it. Why not try it? Why not just give it a shot? All right.

So I'll ask to install internet. They'll say fibers not available. I'll say fine, whatever. Just come and install the 18 megabytes down. Then when the guy gets here, I'll just play dumb and be like, you said it was fiber. Yes. Have you ever, this is, there's like a hack. It's a bait and switch, but in my favor.

Yeah. There's a hack in California that I've used twice. Cause you know, like they have those old school furnaces that take like a pilot light. There was one time where, wait, no, I think I only used it once, but like the pilot light on my furnace went out and they didn't, like the LADWP didn't have or the gas or whatever it is, couldn't come out to my house for like two and a half weeks. So meanwhile I had no heat or hot water for two weeks. And it was like California winter.

So it wasn't like unbearably cold, but it was like very uncomfortable in the house, you know, like below 50 degrees and then you have to take a freezing cold shower. So then during that time I learned that if you say you smell a gas leak, they have to come immediately. And then once they're there, you could be like, can you turn on the pilot light just while you're here and then we'll do it. Interesting. So why don't I just, why don't I take that to an extreme?

I'll just fucking call 911. They say I'm having a heart attack. I think I can't breathe. And then when I get here, I'm like, I'm feeling fine. Can you actually install fiber? No, as you say, I like, okay, you, you call them, you say, I can't get up. I need help. And then they come and then you show them your computer.

I can't get up. I can't get above 15, 15 down and one up. Oh, so when you said I can't get up, you mean I can't get fast upload speeds. Yeah, it wasn't even a lie. All right. How about this hostage situation? So I pay an actor on Craigslist to hold up my house. I'll be like, just fucking do whatever you want.

And they're like, what the fuck do you want? A fucking getaway car, a million dollars, a helicopter. What is it? And he's like, I just want this house to have fucking fiber. And then like, I can't do that. The building is across the street. He's like, I don't give a shit. Find a way.

And then he was like, so method that he kills you. Yeah, but I'm buried in high speed internet. So I don't even fucking give a shit. It's worth it. And bury me in a thousand up. By the way, while we're talking about all this stuff, my brother was like, oh yeah, I guess my internet's a little slow up in San Francisco and upgraded his to Sonic fiber, which isn't available in Los Angeles.

So at the very least, Ben Blumenrose has speeding high internet because of me. I'm glad I can help them out. That is really cool. Actually, I'm going to my parents' house tomorrow for the first time. We're going to go outside in their backyard, maybe swim in their pool. Oh. And I'm going to check to see how fast their internet is because there might be a way I can siphon some of it without the old man finding out.

Is there a speed that your parents' internet could be that would make you move home? Imagine internet so fast you live with your dad for it. Your mom's doing your laundry, cooking dinner again. And guess what? You're getting fucking blazing hot speed from the guest room. I would be so jealous of my mom if she had 200 megabytes up and she didn't even fucking stream Mario Kart for it. No, your mom, she has been streaming.

She has been streaming. Oh, yeah. She has that Twitch channel. She does a Twitch for Ear Wolf. Yeah. She got an Elgato HDS Plus and she's been playing Fortnite and a bunch of tweenagers. Do you think you'll do masks when you are in the backyard with the parents or are you going to be like so far away that that is fine?

Yeah. I think we'll mask it up until we get to the backyard. And then once we're there and we're like six to 10 feet away, that'll be far enough of a distance plus outside for me to feel like at least we're taking it easy. Yeah. That is nice. So you haven't seen your parents since March? No, I have.

They've like sometimes they drop off some stuff or I'll go over there and pick up some stuff but never like in an extended time. I see. So tomorrow's the first time you'll spend time with them. Yeah. And also yesterday was the first time I went to a friend's house. I went to Jesse's backyard and we played video games from 10 feet apart from each other. So starting to creep back, much like the protesters behind me, I'm starting to creep

back into normal life to see what that's going to feel like. Right. It's funny that like playing video games from 10 feet apart outside with your friend is normal life. Yeah. With a face shield. That's how much we miss just like fucking human interaction that I'll be like, oh, okay, you know what?

If I can just be on a roof and be 15 feet away and we can wave, that'll be good enough. I think you can do that seemingly safe. There's all this stuff about the outdoors being nice and distance being nice. And it feels like unless you're like standing really close to someone who actually has it and they're coughing and hacking, you're relatively safe, all things considered. Yeah. And we've been doing that like a little bit, just like hanging out on stoops in New York City, like from 10 feet away or like walking on walks and stuff.

Distant hangs. Distant hangs all outside. I haven't been in anyone's apartment in like three months. That's fucking crazy. Oh God, no, you definitely can't be in a house. No. And forget about any high rise office buildings. That's a no go.

Well, I go to the head come office because no one else does. That's right. And that's the 97th floor of the freedom tower. God, I wish that'd be awesome. We own an 18,000 square foot loft. No, you have not gone into the head come office in LA, right? I have. I went there last week for a Zoom interview for buckets basketball podcast.

Oh, yeah, you had to. You can't do a fucking Zoom interview. No, God, are you kidding me? Did you have the director of the last dance on it? Yeah. Jason Hare was on buckets. Me and Billy talked to him. Yeah.

He's a huge Jake and Amir fan. Interesting. Why didn't he interview us for the fucking the Jordan doc? Why didn't he interview us for the Jordan doc? Because we had nothing to do with it. He's a big fan. Yeah, but I would have participated and you would have got a chance to meet my ass. Yeah, he met hundreds of basketball players, actual people who are involved with Michael Jordan.

He talked to Scottie Pip and Phil Jackson. Oh, Obama too. Jared Reinstorff. Yeah, Obama. I could have been in the Obama episode. I guess you shouldn't be in like a basketball heavy episode because I don't really have much to say. You have no connection. Read that subject.

Yeah, you're barely watching. Did you even watch Michael Jordan play on TV? I was saying I could be in the Obama episode. That's why. Yeah, the Obama episode was like the first episode. It was a pretty big like leaping off point talking to people who are of importance in Chicago at the time. Why wouldn't have anything to really say about Chicago? I know.

Yeah. I was going to say I could wax on other sports. You don't even like Michael Jordan that much actually. You're a huge LeBron fan. So your interview would just be like, I think Bron's the goat. I didn't really watch basketball. I think LeBron is the goat. That's why it would be a sort of interesting take because I also think that Roger Federer's the goat.

See, this is exactly why. I just think it's worth considering other goats sports-wise. He said he didn't even interview LeBron James about it because he wasn't involved in the NBA then. Why would he interview somebody who actually never grew up watching or playing basketball? Other people that have been in that show weren't involved in the NBA. Like Barack Obama was involved in the NBA. You don't have to bring up the Obama one. The Obama one was because he's the president.

He lived in Chicago. He has a personal connection to MJ as a personal connection to the city. Don't forget about Obama. Nobody else had nothing to do with Chicago or the NBA or Michael Jordan. You couldn't have been in the Obama episode. If he had asked me to do it, I don't know what I could possibly give. You would have declined the interview request. I don't think I would have declined it.

I would have come up with something kind of like eloquent and meaningful on the day. I would have just pulled something out of my ass. Let's say, hey, what do you think of Michael Jordan? Did you watch him growing up? I like LeBron, the steel, the block, the shot, the chase down. Nice. That type of shit. So you watched a basketball game in 2016 and you want to be in a bar.

I have a Haynes beefy tea. Nice. Because Jordan was the spokesperson. Because he's what? Never mind. Forget it. All right, that's a wrap. That's a cut.

Thank you so much for coming. Did I give you anything usable, sir? I'm not even wearing a mic. Jordan, as I call it. A trip over the crap service table. Oh, fuck. You land on Tony Kukoche. Sir, who the fuck are you?

You tall drink of water. You clumsy ass. You pushed me into this Ritz cracker stand. Did you finish the last dance? No, I think I'm on episode nine right now. Oh, wow. No spoilers. I mean, it's wonderful.

Beautiful, beautiful doc. Well made doc and shout out to Jason. You can listen to the whole interview on headgum.com. All right, we're at the halfway point. Let's take a break and thank some sponsors. And we'll be back with real questions and answers after this. Later. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast.

You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day,

but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow.

We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice.

Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. Yeah. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant?

Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Like she misheard it or something like that, or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way.

By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah.

Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah.

Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift.

A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the Perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames. That's A-U-R-A-Frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh, wow.

This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames A-U-R-A-Frames.com. Okay. Go get your parents something. All right.

And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist

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And we have returned. Hola. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a little bit. Mom, I'm coming. Gross. Yeah. You know what?

I do. Really? Naps. Naps, folks. You pro. You anti. Is it new to you? It is.

I'm pro. It's not new, new, but I did just recognize how powerful. They can be. Okay. A 10 minute nap really goes a long way. Interesting. I feel like there's times when I am like, feel like I'm tired and burnt out. And I'm like, I could take a nap, but then I'm like, no, I'm too wired.

I won't be able to sleep. For example, I was feeling like that yesterday. I was feeling like really like tired, but also a little like frantic manic energies. Like I couldn't focus on one thing. It felt like there was a million things on my mind that I like couldn't quiet down. Uh-huh. Um, which is to me, I'm like, that's the lot. Like I won't be able to sleep, but then I like put my head down.

I shut my eyes and in like two minutes I was out and I just passed out. Like a power nap, 10, 15 minutes fully recharged. I woke up and I'm like, wow, I'm really glad I did that. So. Interesting. I said, I've taken a nap when you think you shouldn't or you think you can't. It actually helps. Do you remember what time that nap was?

Um, that was at 11 45 p.m. And so I left from around then until like nine. That's that sleep. You had a 10 hour overnight. Okay. That's not a quote power nap. You were tired because the day was over. No, that was it.

I took a, I think it was like a 4 35 p.m. nap. That's good. Yeah. It was a nap was like, I, I try to do it when it's still light out. Like once it's dark, I'm like, I can't nap. And sometimes 5 p.m. is like a winter nighttime nap, which really fucks me up. And then I like, I, I agree with you. Like as soon as I hit REM, like that's enough.

Like it's almost like you're dunking your head underwater into subconscious and like you emerge feeling a little more well rested. There's like diminishing returns because sometimes a nap can feel so good and you give in and you're like, I'll sleep for an hour and 15 minutes. Yeah. And then you wake up and you're like, I, I'm, this is weird. It feels like you're waking up in the middle of the night and you're really out of sorts. I think a 10 minute nap is, is like a fucking, it's like taking a limitless pill.

Although I will say, I think the 10 minute naps that I'm talking about and you're talking about only exists like when you also got a full night of sleep, like if you only slept two to four hours the night before, cause something went terribly wrong. You probably need more than that 10 minute extra recharge. Definitely. Yeah. We're talking about after a full night of sleep, but then also a full day. Yeah.

A full, definitely after a full, like an active day. Yeah. A little turbo boost to get you to the end of the day. And I have a, I've grown to recognize the kind of tired that I need to have to fall asleep. Like there's some that just like, I feel kind of like exhausted, but not necessarily sleepy, but then like there are certain levels of tired that are reachable. Like, Oh, I feel myself like sinking into the bed, sinking into the subconscious,

sinking into the REM. Yeah. Wait, you're talking that with like a nap or just in general? With a like pre-nap, I've come to recognize what kind of tired requires a nap and what kind of is just general, maybe more boredom than exhaustion. Yeah. I think in the, in these last few months, I've like just learned to just give in to sleep when I feel it coming.

That's probably for the best. Yeah. Like, Oh, I'm getting tired. I could sleep. I'm going to do it. And then I just instantly go to sleep. And then do you wake yourself up? I mean, if it's, if it's a nap, then I, I can count on myself to wake up in like 10

or 15 minutes. I don't usually set an alarm. You go to the bed or you do it on a couch. Couch. I, I couldn't do a bed nap. That's too much for me. Yeah. A couch nap is perfect.

That's all you need. Yeah. I'm pro couch for a nap, of course. All right. Let's see if we can answer some question as. Let's do it. People are still in a state of flux, even though they're being locked down. They're still confused about the opposite sex, if you can believe it.

I can. Um, here's an interesting one. From a 20 year old Canadian lady we'll call Alanis. Nice. Like more is that? Yeah. My boyfriend of five years and I got into an argument weeks ago, not relationship threatening, but it still irks me today.

Back in the 80s or whatever, some countries made couples getting married have blood tests to prove that they weren't related. A couple from Britain, I think, who was in love for years got tested and they were unknowingly siblings. They were both adopted so they never had ties to or knew their biological family. Just by chance they met up, fell in love and stuff. Devastating. But they stayed together and just couldn't have a potentially, uh, just couldn't have potentially fucked up inbred babies.

I agree with their choice to stay together since they didn't develop their love knowing that they were siblings. But my boyfriend was absolutely disgusted by this and said that if we found out we were related, he would leave me no doubt. So my question is, what would you guys do in such a situation? Should I be mad? Is there, is this a test proving that my boyfriend doesn't love me unconditionally? Jake, if you found out that Jill was your sister, would you still have married her?

Thanks, love, Alanis Morset. What a specific quandary. Um, I mean, I don't think so. Whoa, that was a fast response. Yeah, I would be really, really surprised. We look so unalike. That's right. At the very least, cousins.

I think, I do think that like, maybe cousins is too far too. But if we were like loosely related, second cousins, third cousins, I'd think that'd be fine. Yeah. If I found out we were brother and sister, that's definitely a deal breaker. That's a game changer. That's an opt out scenario. But I wouldn't even have to make the choice because Jill would do the exact same thing.

Let's bring her in right now. She has a completely different answer. What's up, brother? No. You divorce her, but she ends up getting married to Micah who doesn't have any problems with it. I do. I don't know.

I think that things like this come up in relationships every once in a while. And it's always kind of weird because they're just, they're like hypotheticals that won't happen that feel like they create a gap all of a sudden. But it shouldn't be there anyway. This girl's probably not her boyfriend's sister. Right. So it's fine. It's almost like the guy should have just said, yeah, I would stay with you.

And honestly, so should you, knowing full well that this would never come up. You might as well err on the side of unconditional. Oh, absolutely. I would rail my sister knowing that. I would feel so joy to know that I Frenched my own sister. Smoking like a guy that doesn't have a sister. That's true. I wonder, yeah, I would.

That's an interesting experiment here. Does this guy have a sister and do you have a brother? Right. Cause maybe he's just like, oh, I don't want to kiss my sister knowing that he has a sister. But if he doesn't have a sister, then it's like, you don't really know what it's like. I won't even shake my sister in law's hand knowing that it's borderline incest. It's despicable. Disgusting.

And this was before COVID. Jesus. I will at most bow to somebody across the Thanksgiving table. Anything beyond that is just uncouth. It's perverted. It's perverse. Is this a test proving that my boyfriend doesn't love me unconditionally? I guess he doesn't love you unconditionally because this is a condition that he wouldn't fuck you if you were siblings.

I think there are reasonable conditions that anyone would really agree to. Unconditional love is kind of a bizarre concept if you really think about it. Right, if he found out that he's been murdering animals in his spare time or being mean to kids or kicking old women as they cross the street, that's something you wouldn't love about him and that's a condition. I understand that there's aspects of that. Maybe there is something wrong with him that made him kick an old woman that was crossing the street and it's not that he's not worth loving. It's just that there's something that needs to be fixed, et cetera, et cetera. But even that, I feel like there's still conditions that you could make that would go so far beyond the pale that you couldn't love that anymore.

Unconditional love, in theory, is a farce. In practice, it probably makes a lot more sense because people don't often go so far to the extreme. This is you giving your vows. So, yes, I will stick with you through thick and thin, obviously, but there comes a point. I wouldn't fuck my sister, guys. Why am I on trial here? Well, you just, here's a 23 in me. Will you spit into this tube? Will you spit into the tube, Jill? We really should have done this before the ceremony. I think that it's good, ultimately, that he wouldn't marry you if you were his sister.

Apply that to anyone else in the world. If your boyfriend was dating somebody else and he found out he was their brother, would you be like, oh, you should stay with them or would you be like, you should break up? Yeah. It's hard when it's happening to you, when you're your boyfriend's sister, and you're like, oh, shit, we're related, what are we going to do? Alright, not grounds for dismissal. Not grounds for dismissal.

Seems relatively logical. It's fine. In fact, it's good. It's a notch in his belt that he's being honest with you. I think it's good. I think it's ultimately good. It's actually really good. It's not really good. He's a hero, in a way. Hero, yeah.

Whoa, another 20-year-old female who's in Philadelphia. Oh. We'll call this one Jewel. She's from Alaska, then. Well, America. Still. Hey guys, I've been listening to you since day one and never sent my email, but now I must seek your advice.

I'm 20 and I moved to Philly a few months ago, but I have not had the desire to hang out or hook up with anyone. Last week, however, I started talking to this super cute guy from Bumble and we really want to fuck. The downside? We're in quarantine. I've been completely isolated for two months, but I don't know his situation. I haven't had sex in eight months and need this dry spell to end.

How do I not fuck him? Or is it okay to? He could have easily, he could easily drive to me and we could have a magical time. Or we could get the virus and die. What do I do? Please help. Thanks. Love you.

I think there's ways to have sex while socially distancing. Interesting. Outside. You're talking about, oh yeah. Reverse cowgirl or doggie style where you aren't face to face at all. Oh, interesting. I know I could probably do it because I have a six foot hog. So like I'm still six foot away from someone while fucking going to town

because my hog is so long. Well, six feet. You couldn't be six feet and go to town and still fucking someone because actually from six feet it would only just touch. Yeah. You'd actually have to have a 12 foot hog. Like I do. What?

Yeah. So that way you can be six foot long and six foot inside someone. That's right. 12 foot hard. But when I spit, I can't quite reach your mouth. I don't know. I think if I were, it's hard for me to give advice because I am like married. I get to live with someone.

I have companionship. I think if I were single and I was living by myself, I would have broken the rules. I would have like found somebody on one of the dating apps been like, have you been quarantining? Are you relatively safe? I wear a mask when I go outside. I'm pretty cool. I don't feel sick.

I want to see you. I would do that. Yeah. I'm sorry. But would you recommend it? The podcast is called If I Were You, okay? And I feel like I can't with a straight face and all the mattresses. And since we're recording this as a video, you feel like you're extra on the spot?

I can't. Yeah. I would do it. I would have. I am sorry. I don't know what to say, man. Yeah. And this is why she shouldn't do it because this guy's probably also given into temptation

with more than just you, I think. I could, yeah. I think it's definitely worth thinking about that in your calculations that you might be being honest, but he's solid chance he's lying. Yeah. And it's that fine. There's still, there's always a risk. There's always a risk.

And I think kissing, maybe sex without kissing is less dangerous because you're not swapping spit. Yeah. No oral stuff. I mean, just no kissing, okay kids? Yeah. If you go straight to the sex and never actually, and you're both wearing masks. And if you're fucking do it on the roof, okay?

Can you do it outside? Can you do it outside? I mean, there's a bunch of follow up questions that will raise or lower his risk profile. Does he live with roommates? Do his roommates go to work in a factory? Are they a doctor? They come home every night. Does he live by himself?

Has he been quarantined? You don't quite know the answers to all this stuff. And also like putting yourself at risk, does that mean, like, that means you're not going to be able to like see your parents or see your friends or you'll, you know, that makes it. So you are putting people you love and care about at risk as well. That's right. If you're going to like hang out at an old folks home, maybe don't have sex with a stranger

right now. Yeah. I would like to know the people that are getting sick right now in Los Angeles, like at a hospital today, getting admitted. Have they been as careful as me and just randomly got it on a walk? Or is it like these are people who are going to work every day or providing some essential service and accidentally came in contact with the virus? I think I heard in New York that the most of the new cases were like nonessential workers

who had been at home. Like they don't know exactly where they're catching it, but like basically people that had been self isolating, but they're more at risk people, like people, older people, that type of thing. I see. So not necessarily, basically I want to go one by one to the people like, are you like me? Did you stay at home mostly, but you went to Whole Foods once and handled an avocado?

Or is it like, are you going to fucking parks and protests and swimming pools and talking to people and public a lot? Right. Are you wearing a mask outside? I'd love to know. Yeah. How come they don't have that data? They must, but I think it's just also fucking messy.

Yeah. We know like the numbers, but we don't know quite the stories behind the numbers. Maybe because of privacy laws and stuff like that. Maybe. I think it's all just also happening in real time. So we can't just like, hey, all the people that got sick yesterday, they were all wearing masks, but like they're all going to different hospitals, like compiling all that information is hard.

Yeah. Unless, I mean, it's probably unlikely, but you can't do shit. I'm just thinking outside the but a little, if I started a Tumblr, I guess an only fans of sorts in which I, yeah, in which I zoom or actually I wear a GoPro on my face. You're making it so convoluted. A Tumblr or only fans where you have a GoPro or a zoom, so you have decided on any platform or any equipment yet. And then for $8 a month, I will go door to door at a fucking hospital interviewing people

who are sick and ask them their age, their gender, their race, their story. It will be done in privacy. It will be done in confidence. It will be done in privacy. It will be done in jest. Yes. You are jest. What?

You're infinite jest. And that I'm long and no one's ever finished me. That six foot hog. With a 12 foot hose. Yeah, I want some more data is all. I don't know. Is that too much to ask? No, I don't think so.

I mean, we all want it. I thought of an idea for our, we're starting to do bonus videos on our Patreon where we just record this zoom. So for this Tuesday, remember the idea of us taking an SAT? Yeah. So like we get a practice SAT and we start answering, see if we can answer questions from it almost together, sort of dip our toes in the water. Like, do I remember what this fucking analogy is?

Nice. Yeah. Do you have an essay? Is it, are we doing, do you have an SAT question right now? I don't, but for Tuesday I'm saying we can try to stump each other with SAT questions. I really like that. Let's see if I can pull up an SAT question. Okay.

Just want to see how. Something English or math, verbal or math? What do you want? I mean, I want math, but I'm afraid it won't translate very well when you start describing to me like the sides of a triangle or something. Right. Okay. So let's do.

A sample verbal. Let's do reading comp and give me 48 minutes to read a fucking story and answer three questions. Should we do a vocab one? Okay. A vocab. All right. Let me see. I'm trying to think back to my days of studying words from a book called Wordsmart.

That's like SAT words that are meant to stump you or something. Okay. Here we go. Yeah. Ready? Yeah. Yeah. Sullen is to smile as A, gleeful is to joy, reluctant is to willingness, respectful is

to courtesy, evasive is to fear, composure is to conscience. Wow. So right off the bat, none of them stick out to me. Sullen is to smile. So when you're not sullen, you smile. So I have to say when you're not X, you're Y. So read when you're not the first word, you are the second word. Right.

Well, sort of. Sullen is to smile. Yeah. Okay. And then give me the options again. Gleeful is to joy. When you're not gleeful, you aren't joy. No, that one's not correct.

Right. Reluctant is to willingness. When you are reluctant, you aren't, oh yes, it's that one, reluctant and willingness, opposites. Yes, that's correct. Yes. I got a 1600. Honestly, I think it's correct.

I can't click through to the answer. So I think it's correct though. We should definitely do this. That's very fun. Yeah. I also had some. You're not taking a sample SAT. Some weird flashbacks trying to figure this out to my high school days in a cold room.

I wonder how people are taking the SATs now. There's a couple of schools I read that weren't using them anymore. Isn't like the USC system going off the SAT? Oh, yeah. They're like just not counting test scores. Yeah. Like University of California schools are not doing that. I was also saw like the other day like AP Bio was trending because like kids were taking

that AP Bio test online and tweeting about it. I'm like, how do you take an AP test while you're at home using the internet? That seems risky behavior. Yes. I would have been cheating so hard. I'm sure they are. All right. That's it.

That's our time. Let's get this puppy online just in time for Memorial Day. Happy Memorial Day, everyone. Happy Memorial Day. The unofficial start of summer. Let's fucking go. Let's go ham. Let's go out.

Let's go out. Let's do this. Let's fuck on a roof, kids. Go to your friend's house and stay 31 feet away and eat a hamburger through a mask and leave. Perfect. The opening theme song was written by Luke. This closing one was written by somebody else.

Let's see. Oh, Reese Alexander who made a John Wolf style song. Okay. Very interesting. He has a YouTube channel. He has a YouTube channel called Ignore the Spots to plug. So check out Reese's YouTube channel. And if you have your own questions or theme songs, send them all down to if I were you

show at gmail.com. We still need it all. We're still recording. Always. In our own special way. And we'll be back next week. More videos on our Patreon and more of us talking on the Head Gum podcast. That's right.

That's Jeffrey James hosting. It's us too. It's Riley. We're going to get some more Head Gum friends and family on there as soon as possible. It's a good time. Subscribe to the Head Gum podcast. It's been a mess both times in a fun way, I think. Yeah.

If you guys like this show, you will definitely like that one. So check it out. And we'll be back next week. See you guys. Bye. Later. What gets him off is just knowing in the back of his head that people are scrambling. That he's disrupted.

Yeah. The status quo. Things are different because of him and always for the worst. He's a villain. Yeah. He's a villain. He's a social villain for sure. He's a villain.

He's a social villain for sure. Sometimes a lot of it is with me being a public nuisance, a dickling and a chaos creator. Yeah. I know how I let the moon. Yeah. I didn't say I am John Wolf. How is he still around? How is he still alive?

How is he not in jail? It's crazy. Because technically none of the things he's doing is illegal. John Wolf went to a crowded school and put in it. He actually passed the buck onto a 75-year-old and they suspected Wolf and they tested the disease. And it was hers. He must have...

He fucking... I don't know, dude. That was a hate gum podcast.