If I Were You - 44: Awkward

Episode Date: December 9, 2013

In this episode we discuss study buddies, masturbating, and how to act normal.This episode is brought to you by WarbyParker.com -- awesome eyewear for super low prices, and now they have gift cards! Use WarbyParker.com/Amir for free expedited shipping.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

1, 2, 3, 4... Seize that cheese! Hite. Hite. That's a cover of a song by the Raymans, actually. The Ramones. The Raymen. Everybody loves the Raymones. It's a really bad sitcom pitch that I have.

This was 1968, so like, it wasn't even like a play on anything at the time. Was Ray... what is that guy's name? Ray Romano. Was he around then? He was alive, but he was like, maybe eight years old. He wasn't funny yet. No, I mean he was funny, but you know, third graders are funny. They're funny, they're like, yeah, they're silly.

Like, they put potato chips in their nose, that's funny. That's hilarious. Yeah. Anyway, welcome to If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted in a la Quinta in Austin, Texas. I'm Amir. And I'm Jake. You're naked.

I'm nude. You're nude. I'm nude. No joke. Yeah, this is a really compromising... How do we do this? This is so funny and bare bones. We're at a pretty budget hotel.

Yeah. You're naked in your bed, so like under the covers. I've set up shop around you. I've been sleeping for the last three hours. You just woke me up. The podcast was all set up. You handed me a microphone and then I was just like, hey, I don't know if I have the energy to do this.

If I were you, the shop! If I were you, the shop! Yeah, it was pitch black in here. I very slowly taped a microphone to your chest. You sort of stumbled awake, but you didn't realize. You were just like... And then I was like, if I were you and you shot up, what the hell's going on? I tried to get you to stop, but my hands are tied down.

It's too late. I'm already recording and we're here and it's now... A surprise recording. How's it been going for you? How are you? How's it been halfway across America? Yeah, it's been a fever dream. Actually, John and John Carlo yesterday were like...

It seems like... Our night in Charlottesville is just like another world. Do you remember the Gusburger that we had in Charlottesville? Oh my God, yeah, that was so long ago. It seems like that was last year. Yeah. It was like three days ago. We're crazy.

It's a wild ride, this life thing. I highly recommend it. Shut the fuck up, dude. I've been done talking with you. We just started the show. It's entirely you talking. There's literally no other aspect. I guess me talking.

So how does the show work? It's an advice podcast people write us in. If I were you show at gmail.com we sift through the questions, we answer them one at a time on this here program. It's people who are finding themselves in difficult situations and need our advice.

And we do our best to give it to them. Perfect. Well, you said write us in again. So please give me more notes. People write to us. People send us their questions. What else do you like about me? I'm Jewish.

I'm Jewish. These are the two things. I'm doing. I'm doing. I'll give you greasy. But that's uncouth. You're stacked. I'm a stallion.

I guess another thing about you is that you're very argumentative. You asked me to list terrible things about yourself every night. You seem to want honesty, but then you disagree with everything that I say. Bring it.

There are no wrong answers. How low they are blowing. Is you practicing being defensive? What could anyone say about you? I hit you with every single hard truth that I know. I put on clothes and go out for the night and I look

at the mirror and I just say, what are you talking about? How can you? What are you saying right now? You're really going to do that to me? You tried on a shirt the other day and you scowled and said fuck off with that attitude. That was my test.

Am I talking to you? Or are you talking to me? Before I buy a shirt, I have to know whether I can be pissed off with it. Oh cool. This is what the shirt looks like when I turn away. That's pretty good.

We're actually in Austin. I don't even want to say this. I was going to say, we're in Austin. This is so dumb. I hate this. I'm embarrassed now. Tell me what it is. I was just going to say, just know that I think this is stupid.

So you don't have to point it out. We're in Austin, which is where I bought my first plaid shirt. Can we talk about that for an hour and a half? Ego mania. You megalo ass.

You were hosting a podcast. You're speaking on the microphone. Me? Everything's about me. Those of you guys out there listening, think of me. There is no minutia about myself that's uninteresting, for example, where I bought my first plaid shirt. To be fair, I am the one that told you this morning.

Yeah, that's why I was in my brain space. This is where you bought your first plaid shirt. Life after denim. Look them up boys and girls. Alright, let's get to these questions. Alright. These are real emails from real people. We're going to give them fake names to preserve there. Anonymity.

Anonymity. We'll call this first person. Mmm. George W. Bush. George W., right? Hey bros, so there's this girl I really like and she wants to hang out. I really want to hang out too, but she wants it to be with other people. She's afraid that if we hang out alone,

it'll be awkward, which it wouldn't be. We have no problem talking over text, but how do I create the same atmosphere when we hang out? So, I guess my question is, how do I get her to hang out with me alone? And then, if that happens, how do I make it not awkward so she will want to hang out again? Gee, W, it sounds like it might be awkward.

Yeah. If that's a concerning issue for you. Yeah, I'm taking a hang out with this girl, but I don't want it to be, but she thinks it's going to be awkward. It's not going to be awkward. How do I make sure? How am I not weird to her?

What if there's a silence? Then what? I told her I'm not awkward. How do I make it so that's not a lie? Because it's going to be fucking weird. It's going to be real awkward. Let's just let you in on a little secret. I make people uncomfortable.

I am quirky in a bad way. You know, Zoe Deschanel and the new girl, I'm like that but a guy. Adorkable except without any of the redeeming qualities. I'm just a dork. That's it. I am a dark word. A dork word.

A dork word. King dork. King dork word. Dork word. Anyway, so how does he make it not awkward? I feel like you already make it awkward when you're being like standoffish about like you guys are trying to discuss who you should hang out with.

If she's like, yeah, let's hang out with other friends, you shouldn't be like, no, it'll just be us. It'll be fine. Yeah, if anything, hanging out with friends is the least awkward thing you can do. That's what you want the first date or two to be. That's perfect. Yeah, because then you can make jokes in a group.

Maybe people will laugh at them and then like, that's just how you get girls. Yes, yes, yes. It's perfect because then you can just make jokes in a group and make everyone laugh. And then you sort of look over your shoulder to see if she saw people laughing. That happens for you.

I wonder if this guy's just not funny and he's like, I don't want to hang out in a group because then people steal my thunder. Well, if you're not funny, then it's even worse to be one on one because then everything is relying on you. Like in a group, you can at least slink back and like contribute once every six

or have many people lines there are. That's what you should do. You should count the lines. So how many people are there? Let's say you're six and then you want to make sure that you're contributing one sixth or, you know, 13%. That sounds so awkward now. You sound awkward.

Okay, sorry. Sorry, I have to jump in. I haven't said anything in 14 lines. Hey, I also just... Sorry, what were you talking about earlier? The ones right before? He started tickling you. Yeah, what do you do?

What do you do? I think you just have to be... You can never like... The thing is if you win and he hangs out with her alone, then it's just like the energy is so bad. Yeah. It's like, I want to hang out with her friends.

No, no, no, no. It'll be us. It's going to be fine. That's okay. You're starting at a negative. Like, why do you want to be with me by myself? Like, why can't I have my comfort zone there? Yeah, just let her dictate the first hangout.

And then if you're cool and relaxed and chill and perfect and awesome, then yeah, she'll hang out with you alone. Here's an also weird thing. She is afraid that if we hang out alone, it will be awkward. That's not a good beginning of a relationship. Yeah, that's interesting.

Yeah, there's this girl that I really like and she wants to hang out, but she's terrified of the prospect of doing it just with me. Oh, maybe she doesn't even like him. That sounds like what's up. That might be a very sweet way to reject someone. Yeah, no, no, we can hang out. Come to this place that all my friends will be.

No, I want to hang out with you alone. It won't be awkward. Oh, God. Oh, I think you just like poked it. Yeah, I mean, I see this question very differently now. And I would say, leave her alone. You ask. I think you're a stalker for this.

You're annoying to her. Please. I think all you can do, even if that is the case, if she's like, it's because she doesn't like you, then the best thing you can be is to be cool and relaxed and easy going and just put yourself out there in a positive way and hope she reciprocates your energy. Seize the cheese.

You fucking suck, man. What? You quote yourself in a dumb voice. You're trying to move t-shirts. I have a box of unused t-shirts right now. And they say if I use the catchphrases more, they'll go like hotcakes. Last night we went out in Austin.

You wore a backpack with the seize the cheese shirts in it. And we were just dancing, meeting people. You had Jake and Amir loaded on your phone. You had our podcast downloaded. You had earbuds. You were trying to get the DJ to play episode five. It was insane. You fucking did it.

I don't know how much you paid him, but the crowd literally stayed there in earnest listening to the first 11 minutes of this show. They realized the beat was never going to drop. They thought it was a remix, but the mix never got read, I guess. They slowly started filing out. You chased people into the street.

Somehow all you brought was double XL seize the cheese shirts. You started charging people a $5 leaving like a bitch fee. Nobody paid it. You ended up moving three shirts because people felt so bad for you. And you looked so proud to have that money. You flaunted the $60 like you were fanning yourself. You went inside.

Like a woman in a kabuki drama. You went inside and made it rain and then screamed at everyone not to pick up the money. He said the rain is not for you. It's for the ecosystem. It'll help make plants grow. Yeah, so... You do you.

Yeah, bustedtease.com. Slash Jake and Amir, please help us out. Move these units, folks. Are we done with this guy? Yeah, dude. And everything got started with this guy. If this lady thinks it'll be awkward, maybe she's right.

Or at the very least go plan her terms and make it not awkward then make her fall for you. But you can't argue your way into a relationship. Yeah, you can't start at such a net negative and get yourself out of this hole. Alright, pal. Now, question number two. The woe.

This one comes from... John Quincy Adams. That's from Beyond the Grey? Yeah, I guess so. I don't know. Do they have email there? That's in heaven. I don't know.

Quincy Adams is very much so in hell. Alright, he writes, Hey guys, so we have one computer in the house which we keep in the family room so that everybody can use it. My dad has started using it late in the evenings after my younger brother and sister have gone to bed, but when I'm still awake and when I go downstairs to grab a snack

or a drink of water, I keep catching him awkwardly staring at the computer desktop background. I'm pretty sure he's up to something. I mean, why would you just be staring at a blank desktop? Do you think he's jerking off in the family room when most of us have gone to bed? And if so, how can I relax in this house

in the evenings knowing that my dad could be fapping away downstairs? His dad, by the way, is John Adams. Right. Please help. Love John Quincy Adams. Oh man. Help me.

My dad's fapping. What? Is that even true? Like, if you just walk downstairs and your dad is just staring at the desktop of a computer, is that like, that's how fast he is? That's how I used to... Like, you hear the stairs and you minimize it,

and you're just like... Well, I mean, I was... the dad was obviously not... maybe he's just not good at this yet, but like, I would have a web page open, ready to go, and then like, if anyone was coming downstairs just, you know, closing everything,

minimizing, and then... In the family room, in a communal room, you would do that? We only had one computer. We only had one computer. So you'd rather jerk off in the family room to porn than like, by yourself, to a magazine in your bedroom?

I didn't have any magazines. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And did anybody ever catch you? Yeah. Are you proud of that? Yo, I got caught mad times.

I got caught... I got caught up on my mom's, got caught up on my dad's, got caught twice by my sister's. Yeah, post-nut. My brother, he knew what was up. At a certain point, this... I got more cavalier with my attitude,

so I would do it during lunches and stuff. Well, I think I got caught masturbating, like, 15 to 20 times, probably. That's what I got. Like, mid. Yeah, I mean, not like... I wasn't gonna be caught, because it's like, it's not necessarily a bad thing,

but it's still like, you don't want anybody there. Right, it's like an uncomfortable thing. It's like somebody walking in on you and you're taking a shit, where it's like, okay, I understand that people do this, but I wish I didn't see it. I don't want to see you like this. Definitely, you wouldn't want to see your dad like that.

Right. My dad is just this unimpeachable, great person who just fixes everything, gets me out of trouble, pays for shit, and made a family. I'm like, if I just saw him with his fucking dick out, looking at lesbian porn, I'm just like, oh, no.

Turn away, turn away. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. It's... Oh, God. No, you do not want... You do not want to see how the sausage is pulled. Oh, shit. Um...

No, so... But maybe he's probably buying you a Christmas presents, buddy. That is the lea... That is lying. You're lying to him. He's on amazon.com and he's getting you Christmas presents. That's what the dad is saying. Don't worry, he never...

Whoa, buddy, you almost got me a... buying you a gift. What were you getting me? I was getting you college threesome dorm room. What were you getting me? Um... College threesome dorm room. Uh...

Have you ever been caught masturbating? I don't think so. He's like, when you... I'm gonna have, hopefully, one day, I'll have a family. I'm not gonna stop masturbating. I'm gonna have to like... That's not a thing that's gonna happen. When I was younger, I was like, okay, my...

my sisters aren't home, my mom's not home, I'm gonna masturbate or like everybody in my family's asleep, I'm gonna masturbate, I'm gonna go take a shower and masturbate. And then I like, grew up, I went to college and it's like, oh, my roommate's going to class, I'm gonna masturbate. Then I grew up even more, lived in New York alone. It's like, oh, no one's here, I'm gonna masturbate all day. Yeah.

This is the first chapter of your autobiography. This is... And at a certain point, you're like, okay, I'm like, I have a girlfriend, I'm gonna masturbate while she's gone. And then you're like, okay, I've got a wife and a kid, I'm gonna have to masturbate when the kid's asleep or something. But you're gonna masturbate less. I don't know, your life is...

Your sex drive goes down. It is just a series of finding time to masturbate. Life is what happens in between secret masturbation sessions. It's such a funny thing that's like... Like I'm at my kid's soccer game, I gotta run to the car to say that I like forgot like a granola bar for them and I'm gonna masturbate. And then I'm gonna get out there, start handing out the orange slices. This is a dirty little secret.

Catch a glimpse of a Milfa, run to the public restroom and I'm gonna have to masturbate. You know, it's like, you have a problem, sir. No, I mean, it's just like I'm at a funeral and someone's looking exceptionally hot slash sad. So I sort of jump in the grave down there with him and I start to masturbate. Yeah, you were under arrest. That is absolutely uncalled for. You were fapped at a funeral. Fapped.

So what do you... Okay, how do you... To relax or... You can't treat your dad masturbating as this terrible thing that you can't sleep in the same house as. He's a guy like you. Yeah. You gotta just bring snacks to your room, hunker down. Your dad is down there pulling his fucking meat.

You understand your dad. Let's just like, let's just put it out there. Your dad is looking at girls getting fucked and rubbing his penis until it has an orgasm. What do you do when you're at a computer like that? Do you like have like a tissue? You don't... What? I don't know if I've ever masturbated to a like a desktop. You've never?

I feel like I... To computer pornography, I would use my laptop and do it in bed. And what do you masturbate into there? I use... What a personal question that I don't know if I get one. That you totally walked into, you're like, yeah, like I've never done that. When I look at porn, I'm on my laptop in a bed. Like, all right, well now I'd like to know where you come.

I don't know if I want to tell everyone that. I very much need to know. Why do you need to know? Because I'm curious. I'm by curious George at this point. I am driven by the fact that I don't quite know yet. I think that's the last... I'm curious about that.

I think that's the last fact I ever want anybody to know about me. Yeah, I'd like to know where you're not. I'd like to tell you maybe not with other... I'll tell you where I'm not if you tell me where you're not. Of course you'll tell me where you're not. You're an open fucking book, man. There's no secret. Every compartment to your house is open.

I realize you're not an open book, but I just... I peeked into the page and I need to know and I'm like, thumbing through all the pages just trying to open it just on this one page. I'm not going to lie. Part of it has to do with... I'm afraid that what I do jerk off into is... I mean, it's not weird,

but if I say it, you'd be like, really you do that? I mean, I'll just guess the things that I think it could be. Okay. Well, say the three things. If it's a towel or a rag, or like a piece of dirty laundry, or like napkins or tissues, I think you're safe.

If you are jerking off onto a photo of your family, that's weird. If you're jerking off onto a dead cat, I think that's pretty strange. It's tissues. Really? You loser! You fell for it.

I said the three weirdest things. You should be jerking off to a picture of your family. I usually go for the most clean. Like, that's easy to dispose. Yeah. I don't want to use a piece of laundry that I have to, like, what? Then wash? Yeah.

But I don't want to do that. I want to just get rid of it. Yeah, I'm not. That's what I jerk off into, too. Buddy. When you're jerking off, it's like, when you're doing it, you're like, I love this.

It's like porn. Oh, God. I'm like, I just want more porn, more porn, more pulling at my body. And then it's just like, oh, come. Oh, my God, this is disgusting. Hide this away from me.

I hate it. I never wanted anybody to see this seed. It's the opposite of sex, or I need to get rid of me. How do I not cuddle with me? I'm always here when I'm done. I need to masturbate and explode at the end, disappear forever.

Get on top of it, quick, quick, quick. Just convincing people who are hopefully watching you Truman Show style that it wasn't that big of a deal. Did we answer this guy's question? Well, I masturbated. I poured myself a glass of red wine. Yeah. On the rocks.

I'd log into a bar and be like, Malbec, rocks. Excuse you? I want a glass of red wine on the rocks. I feel like people might do that. Really? No. Everyone does everything. Ice in the wine glass? Everyone does everything.

The weirdest thing you can say right now is someone does it. White red wine rocks? Yeah, someone has that. I'm going to order that in Austin tonight and watch as they laugh. There are certain people who like red wine chilled. You're not supposed to drink it chilled. I said milk, that's foul to me. That's more normal than the red wine one.

No. Why are you... What clothes is on, sir? At this point, I will say that it's really hot under these covers and I do very much so not want to be under here. If you're cool with it, I'm going to take left leg here, just like this.

This is all right. I'm going to put it up above the covers. Can I take a photo of this on Instagram? People have an idea about what I see right now. I would very much like filter approval. I will give you final filter approval. I will upload it when we upload the episode. This is just a very...

I can't tell if this is sad. But it's definitely something. It's definitely weird that you took a picture of it. You took a picture of me in a bathtub today. I did. Now people are going to be clamoring for that. Oh, God, this is... That is the saddest picture I've ever seen.

How many other podcasts? It looks like my leg got amputated. I feel like... When I think of podcasts, I think of Mark Marin in a radio studio in his house. And then I thumb over to us and it's you, Naked, in a Lakinto holding a flaccid microphone.

A flaccid microphone is a great way to describe this. Everything about this photo is flaccid. It's yellow. It is very flaccid inducing. The photo is already yellow. Oh, this is actually really nice. This is... Oh, that's warm.

Give me my phone! Dick! Should we take our break now? We have the 25-ish minute mark. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge.

It's incredibly helpful. Therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years. So give therapy a try. It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful. So you can find that balance better

with better help. All you got to do is go to Better Health betterhelp.com if I were you. You do that today. You can get 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere

that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help. And it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp.com if I were you.

Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow! For years and years and years we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design

to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one or you want to sell stuff online you can do an online store. They have 24-7 live customer support, email campaigns, data.

You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace. For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a gooddude.com. I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website

dedicated to me. Or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life and maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season. A summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to squarespace.com slash ifiru for a free trial

and when you're ready to launch just use that offer code ifiru to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, squarespace.com slash ifiru free trial. Everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code ifiru to save 10%

off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. What can we talk about that we haven't already? We almost got stuck in New Orleans. We did. That was fun. Yeah, for an hour RV was in a parking lot surrounded by cars that you couldn't maneuver.

So let's start it by we walked into the Hyatt in the French Quarter. Which I would recommend no one stays at. Wow. Based on that nice thing to say right now. I actually think yeah. Oh wait, no, no.

That's right. I had a total change of heart. Based on when we first got there, I would say never stay at this hotel. They totally redeemed themselves. So we walked in I'm sorry, I don't even know why I said that. I am just really hot so I'm in a place of hate. I'm being bothered

in general right now. So we walked in we had been driving all day and all night. Ten hours in an RV. Stinky SRV. It's like 11pm. Getting to a place feels so good because you don't have to be in the RV anymore. We pull in and we're like alright we're checking in. Yada yada. We have an RV

and they're like oh yeah we can't help with that. Like we can't park there and I was like I'm not I understand it's a big vehicle. So I was like just tell me where to put it. Yeah what should I do? Like yeah I don't know. Alright well this is hospitality. You're supposed to like help. Let's work together at the very least

and they're talking to the valet and she has the valet and she's like yeah can you guys park in an RV and they're like oh no. I was like well where should I go? And they're like well we don't know. Has this never happened? I guess out of here right now. Bye. And next I can look up places for you to park and I was like

oh yes that's all I need. Thank you. She's like yeah we just it's only showing me like RV like resorts. You probably don't want to stay there. No I don't. I want to stay here. I'm here. I don't know. So I was like just standing there

backing away. I was like this is insane. I haven't been helped and I'm leaving. And I'm a paying customer. I'm in a strange city and I don't know where to go and all I want to do is give you my money so I can stay at the hotel. You locals that are paid to help people

are not doing that. But we went outside and there was this this rogue hero valet man Tony was like um yeah you can put it right here. He's like we have to we'll have to move it in the morning but we'll find a way. He told me about this lot that was like a couple blocks away that

didn't have there was no garage so I was like yeah you can stay here. And I was like but we needed to move it by like 7am so we went out we got like a little tipsy I did. You guys didn't drink at all actually How dare you I came back to shit phase

you all were sober and good. We were playing Clue. And we just walked up to Tony and I was like if I give you $40 will you just go and do it put it where it needs to be and he was like yeah so he did and then he told then he like gave us the keys back

told us where it was all that so I guess when Tony had parked it it was an empty lot. Yeah. Cross dissolved too. When I when we got there I was surrounded by cars there was no chance in hell of me getting out yeah I back up

just like almost hitting everything this thing was like 25 feet long yeah some lady was like who's waiting for my spot is like trying to help me and she she tried for 10 minutes and then eventually gave up she's like yeah you're not getting out and we're all waiting for you at the hotel you're like are you here

and you just texted back. Yeah the car stuck. Yeah. I guess plan B is uh waiting another 14 hours for everyone to leave and then leave at 1 a.m. Yeah we needed to drive all the way to Austin and meanwhile this whole building is like uh that the parking lot was in like people doing construction

so like all these construction workers were coming down and oh man you're never getting out you're never getting out. This is my job and I can't I don't even see a way out of this. Oh no y'all yeah yeah y'all can't get out of that oh no no he just walked by and started yelling negativity

and then some other dude was like yeah you just need the extract here to move uh it's like all right if you do you know who's it is and he's like yeah I think it's the window persons so he like goes he disappears into the building I have no idea if he's helping me or not you just look up and he's eating gumbo

on a beam oh yeah no about that car shit I don't forgot a few minutes later somebody else comes out he's like yeah this um we don't know who any of these cars are and then he's like because it also was like served as a parking lot for the city right finally you have to walk up to people

one by one did you park in this lot sir no all right next person so this dude comes out he's like yeah I got the window the window guys numbers he calls them is he's uh they don't answer yeah I don't know next all right I'm fucked

completely fucked and then finally and then oh then he comes back out he's like got in touch with the window guys like so filled with hope is like this is like this is it something has to give I'm gonna get out of here it's been 45 minutes and he's like yep not his car like oh

I like no and now like even the people that were like sort of half helping me are just gone right I turn and there is a guy in a Hyatt a college shirt a hero emerges like guardian angel right after your dark night of the soul you're always lost moment my protector

who I was like I waved my hand through him to make sure he was real and he was not he was not he was like he almost ran away because you touched him he started groping his chest I heard you're stuck here mr. Hurwitz like all right here's what we're gonna do he's just like talking me through this

calming presence I backed up got as close to I could on one side like all right what we're gonna do now is pivot and he's like coaching me through like turning the wheel is like alright little bit little bit little bit stop and they turn it back little bit little bit

it got it was a game of your hip not you're hypnotized it was centimeters like at one point we were I was like he would go little bit little little bit and I would go back is like oh a hair literally a hair

and we were like this thing the RV every time you take your foot off the break and just creaks and lurches like there's no there's no hairs if I took my foot off like I could go three centimeters or could go a foot and a half like there was never controlling it that's a lot of hair and but

eventually and he was just like looking me in the eyes like when you be the front of the RV is like all right come to me little bit it was like that scene in Austin Powers where he's just like going back and forth yeah in that small hallway and tighter you did like a 48 point turn it took like five full minutes I I don't know how many

how much oh my god back and forth but I finally we got out of it I like wanted to hug this dude you told me to give him money yeah we gave him money yeah so you'd bribe the first guy and then you gave another guy money to get him out of the car I don't think I think you just not get it bribing

yeah but it's $40 ah you fucked me all right here's $40 to the person that could save me all right so you paid $80 well Tony Tony helped he just didn't know he didn't know it's not on Tony that's all in all we did get out of New Orleans alive just an hour later than we wanted to parking

um shit I am the parking king let it be known let it ring throughout the land all right let's go back to answer questions all right one last one mmm maybe even two no okay um uh no oh no

oh no this one comes from a lady we'll call Martha Washington Martha Washington very coy this is coying of her although she didn't choose that name you know that right

what a coy little a coy little cunt I think oh my god the coyest cunt don't say the C word coy um all right I've been uh Martha writes I've been

I've been studying on a regular basis with a guy from one of my classes we get along very well he's a nice guy and more to the point of my quandary he is easy on the eyes I don't feel any strong emotional connection and I'm not in the market for a relationship but I

certainly wouldn't mind getting physical a study buddy with benefits if you will my problem is I have no idea if he would be open to such an arrangement I am terrible at reading these types of situations and rarely am I able to tell if someone's interested in me unless it's blatant

considering we are in the same program at school and thus in a lot of the same classes I don't want to misread the vibes and make a move and face the awkwardness of a flat out rejection what are some tips and advice for subtly testing the waters to see if he'd be interested in hitting this or wants to keep it strictly

what are some tips and advice for subtly testing the waters to see if he'd be interested in hitting this or if he just wants to keep it strictly to hitting the books Toda Martha Washington Martha

Martha you coy deeper you coy baby what do you think what's a good tip for a lady to test the waters to see if a guy's willing to have sex with her here's how you test it you ask if he wants to study with you

and if he does then he desperately wants to fuck you that's a nice way to do it and he masturbates thinking about having sex with the girl he's studying with so if it's like if you don't know if a guy

as a girl if you don't know if a guy just wants to have no strings attached physical intercourse with you he does yeah that's a good tip so like if you're studying with him and you're like ooh studying with benefits

not that studying itself is a benefit of course education and knowledge is more beneficial than any orgasm this is very very very very much so that was coy so yeah he wants this yeah he desperately wants it so for example what you can do is um

anything like for instance this question turned me on to the point that I like want I want to fuck you oh my god you're starting to straddle me from one question

that's it I am taking the other foot out I'm hot enough I think I'm full alright you are still under the covers a little bit alright wearing some sort of down toga

yes okay so some things you can do uh smash smash your bookshed what's it called slam your bookshed slam your bookshed and say hey do you want to have sex with me

that would be something that he'd be into or you can be like text him and be like hey after our study session let's have sex yeah oh you know it's cool if you're like if he answers a question you're like

oh okay now every time you answer a question correctly I'll remove an article of clothing yeah and every time you answer a question correctly I'll um

sit on your dick whether you get it right or not tell you what we don't even have to study anymore there's not a ton of advantages towards being a lady in the romance department um but this is one huge huge one

it's uh when you want to have sex with a guy uh and not necessarily make it an emotional thing or uh get into a relationship uh

nine times out of ten that guy is probably down if you're a guy and you want to do that to a girl odds are it's not going to happen right because that's what all guys want

yeah so like you're you're you're you're literally shooting no I shouldn't say literally you're figuratively shooting fish in a barrel you're literally

that's that's that's what we're recommending for the first date you might have missed read the question so you're at this barrel factory right and you have a loaded gun and there are fish there yeah

so Martha Martha Martha Martha would that be easy to shoot fish in a barrel yeah absolutely all you have to do is get over the uh

emotional uh ramifications of staring at fish dead in the eye and blowing its guts out but beyond that I I think I could do that you think you could do what I think I could get over that

yeah I'm sure it's easy I think I could get past that yeah then I'm just capable of shooting a fish right and it's cold dead salmon eyes would you ever shoot a cat fish in the mouth yeah you would

why not I don't know I don't even know what I'm thinking about this I don't know why either I think at a certain point a fish becomes too big to kill it has feelings no

dolphin you wouldn't shoot a dolphin no I would shoot a dolphin you would not that's a smart mammal I don't know would you shoot a would you shoot a trout

I'd shoot a trout barracuda you're just on the Wikipedia page for fish I know these are salmon would you would you shoot a koi fish would you

I mean sure we'll shoot a beta fish those things deserve to be put out of their memory an Alaskan tooth fish how do you know are you on a Wikipedia page no I think that's what Seabass used to be called Alaskan tooth fish

yeah and nobody bought it because it sounds like you're just biting into teeth yeah don't quote me on that but there is a fish that people eat now and I think it's Seabass and I think the original name for it was something tooth fish

right and they changed it and it's like this huge marketing win because like it's like calling a cow horse yeah or calling it a beef tooth cow nobody wants to eat that

a gassy shit maker and then so like this like marketing agency is like so take your tooth fish and call it a chilean Seabass and suddenly people will want to eat it yeah

and it's true the power of the red word it's amazing so you don't have to misread anything or read anything or subtly do anything Martha just be open with your feelings and luckily for you

this guy probably wants to bone you too yeah let us know how that works out I'd like to hear a follow up on that one I'd love to hear it in lura detail actually he says god no I actually might write fanfic about it how dare you you broach that to me

this is a studying relationship and if you're not gonna if you're not gonna open this book and learn with me then I bid you a Jew actually more than a Jew I mean like I and okay maybe we will have physical intercourse

but I want to be in a relationship with you afterwards that means something for you to ask this to be zero strings there are many strings attached and they're all more than attached we're marionettes okay and we are dangerously intertwined

we're stuck we're like a cord we're even having this conversation we're in a Facebook relationship we're Facebook official and life unofficial now I'd like to speak to your father and purchase a ring

then and only then can we kiss and then only then can we study you fail every test oh what are you doing I'm grabbing this water here you touched my foot yeah it was an accident

and I realize it means a lot because a naked in a bed staring at you but we are just friends alright one last question hey guys let's call this person oh Millard Fillmore

very nice hey guys I already sorry hey guys I'm a big fan and got obsessed with Tinder thanks to Jake

I already met with a girl by having a gym day with her and we seem to hit it off however I'm not sure what she wants she sent me a pic later during the day of her abs

so I sent one back and as soon as I did she immediately texted asking if we should hang out again does this girl want to make a move on me the night we hang out or is she planning on friend zoning me help

dude alright alright it's fine this is an emergency yeah help we need to he had a gym date and she texted him a picture of her abs oh god that's and then ask if you want it to hang out again this is a

I'm sorry dude this is a friend zone she's absolutely putting you in the zone you got a read between the lines bud no you know this is a friend zone you're firmly in the zone of friends yeah

look around it's every other friend zone guy that she did this to this serpent she texts her body parts you thought you were running down towards the touchdown but you reached the friend zone

the ESP friend zone I'm sorry buddy you thought you were playing baseball around in the bases but it's football and you're in the friend zone yeah do a friend zone dance friend zone because friends don't bone

this girl obviously likes you what are you talking about I think if you meet on tinder have a good date then she texts you a semi-shirtless picture and asks if she wants to hang out that's the opposite of friends this is not it

how dare you make us read this question there are people who are in actual difficult places you're just bra- he's just bragging I think it's a humble brag not even humble he's just bragging

this guy and the last girl should go out as like the least self-aware couple they're just like hesitantly in love with each other what should I do I asked her to marry me and she said yes does she just gonna friend zone me

I think I might be the best friend zone she might just be my life partner I feel like I'm in the soulmate zone I don't even think I can get my nut off I think I'm gonna have to sneak down into the living room and jack off while my kids are awake wow oh my god this is all all these questions are weaving together a tapestry

it's one family this long long form improv that we've we've devised we've gathered we've ascertained we are kings we're more we're less than kings

we're princes I am at the la quinta I am the king of the quinta what does quinta mean I don't know okay did we ever mention who that first song is from no

so that first we're bad at that yeah yeah we can I always like say the name and then the show starts and I am my brain is off to the races where every episode starts and ends with a new theme song

that you guys can submit to if I were you show at gmail.com that first one was from someone named digdog who actually runs the seize the cheese twitter account oh there's a twitter account called seize the cheese and this last one is from somebody named

snow weasel snow weasel weasel oh the weasel nine of our fans understood that and the other 49,993 now I shouldn't be

humble brad cut this joke cut this joke in edit humble brad I'm an ass don't forget the hundreds of thousands of followers on soundcloud 250,000 facebook fans

and uh yeah a couple hundred thousand twitter followers too 43 episodes and I had not been ashamed as I am twice in this episode we're referencing where I bought a shirt and then how many people listen to our show and also where you jerk off into oh my god

this is the most oh my god things finally got real they finally did we made it we started from the fake bottom and now we're real uh so thanks for listening everyone pete

text me no my girlfriends are dying my total smoke show but she's dumb as a brick so she's just got to go she's picking her nose and she's growing a mole

so I'll email it into if I were your show if you've got tender problems leave it to Jake to solve them he's kind of a beast in that regard no need to make a fuss just sign up to Hulu Plus

with Kiko Demir it's not that hard cause he's cheese